October 9, 2025 • 36 mins
Miranda shares how we can create the life we want by letting go of fear and embracing our authentic selves through the removal of protective armor that no longer serves us.
• Exploring how our "armor" protects us from vulnerability but also prevents authentic connection
• Teaching children to question their protective responses rather than automatically armoring up
• Understanding how burnout happens when therapists try to "save" clients instead of supporting their journey
• Recognizing when comparisons to idealized therapist images cause us unnecessary suffering
• Learning to pause and reconnect with our true desires and dreams
• Identifying generational patterns and cultural expectations that form our protective barriers
• Finding humor and joy as tools for connection even during difficult conversations
• Acknowledging that asking for help builds community and allows others to experience the joy of giving
When you find yourself getting stuck in old patterns, put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and ask yourself: "If I gave you permission to dream big and have whatever you wanted come true because you're worth it, what would that be?"
A Hero's Welcome Podcast © Maria Laquerre-Diego & Liliana Baylon
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Maria (00:02):
Welcome back listeners.
This is your co-host, maria,and I'm here with my lovely
co-host.
Liliana (00:07):
I was going to say Maria, but no, I'm sorry,
miranda, but no, that's me.
Hello everyone, we're here withour special guest that I was so
excited that I jumped in rightaway.
To Miranda, how do you want tointroduce yourself to our guests
?
Miranda (00:22):
to our listeners.
Well, I'm Miranda.
I live in rural Nebraska, soright in Smackdown, in the
center of the state, but I getthe beautiful opportunity of
working with a various group ofpeople in three different
offices.
And I also get to travelglobally and teach and coach.
I've been doing this for about15 years and when I tell people
that they're like, I'm like.
(00:42):
I know years and when I tellpeople that they're like, I'm
like, I know.
Liliana (00:47):
If you follow Miranda in her Instagram account, you
see the pictures where she'straveling and she like I just
love what you're doing, by theway.
Miranda (00:57):
Oh, thank you, it's really opened up a new chapter
of like how joy can show up andreally this topic that I'm going
to be talking about, like youget to create the life you want
and let go of the fear thatholds you back oh, you get to
create yeah, you're your authorof your whole story and you can
(01:18):
rewrite your chapters, you canedit it, but it doesn't
determine your destination oh,so let's start and let's preach.
Liliana (01:27):
Please tell us more.
Miranda (01:30):
Well, I feel especially the way I was growing
up like you're taught andyou're giving these expectations
and these boxes that you haveto check and you're like, oh, I
can be successful if I do ABC,but then pretty soon you're like
that's not fulfilling.
So I'm going to do more andseek more and try and be more,
and then that's exhausting.
And then you end up depletingyourself and you're like, why am
I not good enough?
Maria (01:51):
and that's not true, yeah like I call all my clients yeah
, that's such a common beliefyeah I'm not good enough yeah,
people, people are leaving me,people are rejecting me, they're
challenging me.
Miranda (02:04):
Oh, my god, it's me.
No, it's not.
It's the fact that you'redifferent and you're reflecting
your light to them, and it's toobright for that moment.
And I use the word armor a lot,with a lot of people I wear
because we have this protectivegear we put on.
Whether you're in lawenforcement or a mom or a woman,
we put this on as a safety andthen when our light starts to
(02:26):
peek through, it really makespeople go.
Oh, and that's when that innerturmoil can really start to come
up and shake that insecurity.
Maria (02:36):
I love that.
So this armor that you'retalking about this is something
that almost everybody wears.
It's something that we grow upwith knowing.
How do you, how do we use that?
How do we use that information?
How do we use our armor?
Miranda (02:51):
So I love watching my kids.
I have three beautiful teachersevery day that teach me that.
When they get feedback fromfriends or adults and I see
their little heart dim, I'm like, ooh, let's talk about that
piece you just put on.
I'm like, ooh, let's talk aboutthat piece you just put on.
They're like mom, it hurt myheart.
I said I felt that.
And they're like I felt stupid.
I said okay, is that true?
(03:12):
And they're like no, I said soyou put that on to protect it?
I said but let's not put it onto wear, let's talk about it.
Let's hold that for just asecond and look at the wisdom
that maybe you can't see.
And they hate this.
Sometimes we're in the car.
I'm like, well, let's do this.
And they're like oh, mom.
And I'm like hold on, I've usedthe OxiClean guy like all week.
(03:34):
Wait, there's more.
But seriously, like what wisdom?
Like, had you not done that?
Like what would have happenedto the person that you're
protecting?
Or, um, you've raised your handand you got the answer what
would have been the drawback ofyou not even trying?
And they're like well, Iwouldn't have known.
I'm like perfect, and are youmaking it so other kids can make
mistakes and it's okay, andthey're like, oh yeah, I'm like,
(03:59):
okay, that's a beautiful.
So we talk about those littlenuggets.
I and I guess I'm grateful forthe awareness that I have
because as a kid, like my momand dad were great teachers, but
it wasn't like the felt sensewas brought in.
It was like oh, here's right andwrong and we love you, but that
guilt and shame that was stillkind of attached to like some of
(04:19):
it, because they didn't knowhow to support me, because I've
always been my own person with avery, very strong, big
personality, and so I think theytried to protect me.
Liliana (04:30):
Yeah, but is it a big?
Because I don't think it's abig personality.
I think that when we talk andour field has been talking for
Especially the last couple ofyears Of being authentic, you
embrace that, which is, you'renot excusing yourself for who
you are or how you respond oranything that you do, and I
(04:51):
think that is a bill forbeautiful mirror for all of us
and give us permission to do thesame thing right and even in
this as you're talking, at thisarmor, which I started thinking
right away because my ADHD likekicks in right away and I was
like, oh, so personal andprofessionally Got it Personally
, as you're talking beautifullyand reframing this for your
(05:14):
children to be curious, toattune, it's such a beautiful
job that you're doing with them.
Side note fucking ungratefulkids, right, because my kids do
the same shit.
Like are we going to right,cause my kids do the same shit,
like are we going to do this?
I was like, uh, excuse me, comeback to the conversation.
Um, but personally, think aboutall the projections and
(05:37):
expectations that we borrow andwe hold in that it's getting
heavier and heavier for notbeing actually congruent to what
we're called to do or what wewant to do.
And then, but bring itprofessionally.
When we have this beautifultemplate, we're children going
to school, getting our master'sprogram and then the projections
(06:00):
or that armor starts buildingup, because all the shoots are
like you need to be trainingthis, you should be doing this,
you should be working with thispopulation, you should be
working with medicaid.
Like it's all these shoots andhow do we learn?
Like how it gets so heavy.
Miranda, that's what I'm sayingso.
Miranda (06:21):
I love how you're using your hands because when we
, when we say that I'm like,where do you feel that at in
your body?
Because that's how you're usingyour hands.
Because when we say that I'mlike, where do you feel that at
in your body?
Because that's where you'reprotecting and a lot of times
it's in your central part,because that's where your
creation hub is Like if you'retalking energy hubs, it's your
solar plexus, where you createyour authenticity from there.
And when you're like God, it'sso heavy.
I'm like, if you're shrinking,like that, that's your body's
(06:47):
feedback to say hey, that's notyours and that's not what you're
meant to be.
And when my clients say I'msorry, I'm like pause.
Every time you say sorry, youapologize for existing, and
that's bullshit.
Yeah, I said you don't need toapologize and take up space.
You're a gift.
I'm like you get to take upspace and you get to share that
with people.
Yeah, but I think we're soingrained to be good and perfect
(07:09):
and like if I'm doing all thesethings, I'm enough and that's
an arrival fallacy, right likethere's always going to be
something else.
But let's not take away theamazing joy in the moment
because you're not present now.
This is a lesson.
I actually had to get a tattooon my arm to remember.
It says be here now.
But you know I am a hardlearner, so as a reminder got it
(07:38):
.
Maria (07:38):
Can we see the tattoo?
Where do you put it?
Miranda (07:41):
it right here, didn't it just sit here?
Liliana (07:43):
now, girl, talk about the lessons that we have a hard
time.
I just share before coming inright about needing oxygen.
Maria (07:52):
Mine breathe I love that.
So, miranda, you're you'retalking about doing this with
clients, but I'm seeing a directline for therapists also
struggling with this idea.
Yeah.
Miranda (08:10):
Well, how many times as a therapist do we feel like
we have to save our clients orbe everything that they need and
then we end up being sodepleted that we can't support
ourselves and go home Like ourbrain makes like 35,000
decisions in a day and we gohome what's for supper?
And you're like I have no ideawhat my name is right now and I
can't even form a sentence.
(08:31):
That's the last question I wantto have answered.
So then we have that guilt oflike oh my God, I'm not being
present for my kids, oh my GodI'm not taking care of myself,
oh my God I'm not doing off, andI'm like stop, we're taking
away the gift for our clients Ifwe solve all their problems for
them, if we do everything forthem.
(08:52):
There's gifts in them havingstruggles and challenges and we
get to help hold them in ourarmor of strength and our
resilience so they can re-puttheirs together.
Maria (09:02):
So they can re-put theirs together.
Yeah, I love that.
I love that I also.
I mean, attached to that isthis default answer of like I'm
fine.
Yeah, bullshit, you're likedescribing the hamster wheel on
fire.
Miranda (09:20):
And I'm like, yeah, but it's fine.
So anytime I like what, I'mguilty of that too.
I'm like, okay, fine, what areyou really wanting to say?
And what are you afraid ofsaying that you've been told you
can't because you're not safe,it's not going to be fixed your
burden, what is that?
And then I'm like no, no,you're going to take a deep
(09:42):
breath because your brain isbeautifully protecting you, but
I want your body to feel that.
So, as a therapist, I'm finewith the amount of paperwork and
stuff like that.
Nobody's fine Like that in andof itself overwhelming.
So like, let's just take amoment and say I am overwhelmed.
I don't understand all thesechanges.
I have no idea.
I don't even feel like I canserve my clients the way I want
to serve them without being toldI'm doing something wrong.
Yes, I love them with my wholeheart, but I can't say I love
(10:02):
them with my whole heart.
But I can't say I love themwith my whole heart because
that's unethical and I'm like Iwill not stop doing that, I will
not stop hugging them, I willnot stop showing up for them and
I will not stop loving them bythe way, I have never stopped
hugging them or giving them akiss, because culturally that's
what we do.
Liliana (10:21):
I tell my instructor.
Miranda (10:22):
I just blame it on the redhead.
It's a little spicy, so you,you're gonna come in for a hug
and we're gonna make it count Ilove this conversation.
Liliana (10:35):
I feel like maria and I cannot stop like smiling and
like all the way through oureyes, right, which is there is a
movement we're going through,something where we're trying to
figure out who we are, thatwe're being carrying in is just
too heavy, and I think,collectively, that's what we are
(11:09):
naming, even though we're usingdifferent words.
This armor is just too heavyand I need you to see what I'm
carrying.
And can you allow me to seewhat you're carrying?
And then, what do we want to doabout it?
Maria (11:25):
The question go ahead.
Well, no, I just love that and Ilove the tie to like narrative
work right, like from thebeginning you're like this is
your story, you get to be theauthor and at any point you can
pause and decide if you want tokeep going, if you want to edit,
if you want to pivot.
And I think part of that I mean,especially when I, for whatever
reason, I am stuck on thetherapist, that I am doing
(11:47):
consultation and supervisionaround right now because
everything feels so heavy forthem.
And what's been coming up a lotis this feeling of like I'm
failing, I'm not strong enough,I'm not fast enough, I'm I'm
just like if I were juststronger or better at this, then
I can, you know I could do more.
And it's, it's refreshing tosay like, okay, let's look at
(12:11):
one the systems in which you areworking are designed for you to
fail.
Yeah, let's, let's just behonest.
And two, what I'm hearing fromyou this morning is some of that
armor doesn't need to be thereanymore.
Yeah, right, and then not tosay right, because taking off
all of our armor feels veryvulnerable and may not be safe
to do so.
But for some of us maybe thereare pieces that we can take off
(12:34):
in certain situations or spacesor with certain people and let
our light kind of shine throughand breathe a little bit.
Miranda (12:44):
So I loved how you said that you're working with
therapists that are like I needto do more, be more thing.
I'm not fast enough and my, myquestion that zings them is who
are you comparing yourself to?
Yes, in this moment, who areyou thinking you should be like
Because they're a seasonedclinician 40 years and they're
stepping out of retirement?
You're not going to look thesame, your caseload isn't even
(13:11):
the same, and they're steppingout of retirement.
You're not going to look thesame, your caseload isn't even
the same, and you're negatingyour gift you're giving to the
clients that you have.
God, like I still get emotionalwith this Like you're missing
your beautiful, joyous gift,your authentic service, when you
compare yourself when youcompare yourself, yeah Well,
it's often compared to thisfalse idea that never existed.
Maria (13:29):
right?
These are this ideal therapistwho gets put out into the world
by, let's see, professors orpractice owners or businesses
who were never cliniciansthemselves and they're looking
at numbers.
They're not looking at the workwe do.
Right, we are not.
We are not factories that grindout material.
(13:51):
Right, where you need aproductivity, you need to make
72 wrenches each day to beproductive, right, we are in the
messy, messy business ofhelping messy, messy people with
their lives, of helping messy,messy people with their lives.
There isn't a productivitymatrix that captures all that
goes into having a session,having a client, because it's
(14:12):
beyond the session, right, likewe can be honest about that.
Having a client is not just anhour a week on your schedule.
It's so much more than that.
Miranda (14:24):
Yeah, because then you put it in your bag of I'm not
going to think about it, whichis also BS, because it looms in
your depths of your brain oflike oh my God.
And then I'm like so what I'vethat one was something I had to
really work on is like notcarrying that forward, because
then it feels like you're doingthat resistance exercise as a
football player where that bandis just going to pull you back
and I'm like hold on, I knowthey know how to get ahold of me
(14:45):
and I have, for certain, madesure they know that.
So now we get to build the trust, now we get to build the
consistency and congruency andto teach them that somebody is
actually speaking truth,somebody's actually following up
, showing up the way they saidthey were.
It's probably a bigger giftthan anything we could do.
Yes, yes, yeah, like we wearthis armor, but then we forget
(15:07):
about all of our superpowers.
Yes, because our cape is sotightly wound up in that metal
of like.
I don't know if I can do thisyet, because I don't know if I'm
ready.
And what does a mama bird do?
She just kicks her baby birdout of the nest and goes.
You got this my bad.
Maybe he wasn't ready quite yet.
Liliana (15:26):
That'll buff out a couple of weeks and it will be
here, but I wanted to.
I was trying to remember thename of the movie and this is
where my adhd and maria knowsthat, right, like it goes.
And then like, damn, it comeback.
It'll come back, but I don't, Idon't want to miss it because,
(15:46):
um, there was a movie that I waswatching yesterday I have to
have noise when I'm working inorder for my brain to function
and I was seeing that movie andI cannot remember.
But you guys tell me if youremember the name of it where
she says I volunteer, Ivolunteer, and she uses the
Hunger.
Games.
Thank you, I could not come upwith that thing and what did I
come on?
(16:08):
I was anyways, I had in thebackground and they said a
phrase and I came back to itbecause they done on me that
that's exactly what systems do,which is they're having this
conversation, um, and it's atthe beginnings, before they they
in and he says they're talkingabout hope.
We need to give them enoughhope for them to believe, but
(16:29):
not enough that they dosomething about it.
Yes, right, and I rememberbecause, like yesterday, I'm
like hold on, I'm like writingit down and I'm like, oh, that's
what it is right.
When we're carrying that armor,when we're in systems, whatever
system, that is right.
When we're carrying that armor,when we're in systems, whatever
system that is, it doesn'tmatter either personal or
professionally.
The idea of these systems, whenwe're talking about the
(16:51):
therapist, is to make youbelieve that there's something
else out there that you canreach, that there's an image, a
status that you should reach,but the reality is that they
don't want you to also to hopeenough, because they have to
maintain you there until yousaid not only I do not volunteer
(17:11):
, I'm fucking out, like I'm done, which is exactly what you're
saying.
Which is, how do we go back tomake you aware of all these
gifts, so that the hope iswithin that external.
Miranda (17:26):
Do you want to know what I do with them?
Tell me, okay, I want to dowith both of you.
I want you to close your eyes.
Liliana (17:32):
Okay.
Miranda (17:32):
Put your hand on your heart, take a breath in and let
it out.
And if I gave you permission inthis moment to dream big and
have whatever you wanted cometrue, because you're worth it,
what would that be?
Because it's here, it's nevergone full body chills.
(18:05):
What an invitation to tap backin mm-hmm, but even right, yeah,
to get pause yeah learning topause in a world chaotic.
Liliana (18:23):
That is the resistance, that is the challenge, that is
the hope, that is what is goingto keep us going right, even in
this moment.
As you said it, I couldn't stopbecause I feel teary right away
, because my answer came out.
You're already doing it, um howcool does that feel?
Miranda (18:42):
Can you thank yourself for allowing yourself to be
here?
Liliana (18:47):
So thank you, right, because the only thing I can do
is like the tears and the smile,like, oh, I'm already doing it,
but how many of our colleaguesof our friends are not given the
permission to do that becausealso all the other barriers that
they have.
And how do we help them seewhat are the barriers, what is
(19:11):
the system and then what areyour gifts?
We can have awareness of allthis around to see where it can
be being power within.
Miranda (19:25):
I love that.
Maria (19:25):
Well, yeah, and so if you're listening, pause, go back
.
Yes, go through the exerciseyourself and find out what what
you're calling is.
What is your bringing up othermovies?
But like what's your heart'sdesire, like what is it that you
were given to share, and areyou in a place where you can
share it?
Miranda (19:48):
And I'm going to deepen that.
And if you find that challenge,it's like I don't know, write
that down, because what are youreally obligated to?
Is it the like action thatyou're attached to?
Is it the fear of rejection?
Because if you can sit withthat and identify where that
comes from, you will be free.
Yeah, that's that hook thatkeeps you like I don't know if I
(20:09):
can do this.
I don't know.
And you're like no, I can, andremove that obligation with love
so you can preserve therelationship.
Yes, I can still be this but Idon't have to do this.
Is there a?
Maria (20:25):
common obligation that comes up in your work.
What are some of the commonhooks that keep us?
Miranda (20:31):
in not?
I think a lot of times as atherapist, specifically it's not
wanting to break the mold anddo something new or different,
or or what if people don'tunderstand?
Like this is how my brain worksand this is really effective,
but this is so new I'm like, oh,I can't do this.
Or how do I tell somebody Idon't want to work with this
(20:52):
population and not be labeled asa bitch or picky or demanding.
I don't want to do that.
Liliana (20:58):
Thank you for naming it .
It's unembr.
Embrace that right now.
Miranda (21:03):
Because you asked me what my limitations are of my
things and I tell you and you'relike well, but we have like
seven of them in our referralpile and we're really
overwhelmed, so you're justgoing to have to take it.
They're not going to beeffective, the clients aren't
going to find it successful.
So let's stop asking them iftheir truth isn't going to be
(21:23):
heard.
Maria (21:24):
Yeah, I love that.
Miranda (21:27):
Practicing that vocal like no breathe Cause.
That's a hard word for a lot ofus, because is it something
that brings me joy and energyand pulls me out?
And if it's not, then that's ano yeah, yeah it yeah, yeah,
it's.
Maria (21:43):
it's what's aligning, right like, is this in line,
aligned with what I want to do,what my values are, what my
beliefs are, versus what I'mtold from, I mean not even just
in grad school?
Right, we're talking like youngage, you systems and family
systems, structuring us in theseboxes.
This is what's expected of youand you will only find success
(22:08):
or be fulfilled if you checkthese boxes which we have laid
out for you.
Miranda (22:13):
So the other day I was sitting with like where did I
lose my feminine energy andreally put up my shield for
masculine to protect and be, andlike I'm going to be one of the
boys, I'm not going to let any?
I named it on Saturday, thirdgrade.
I wore this cute dress.
I'm standing outside the bus,my crush is on the bus and a
girl to pants me and I.
(22:34):
I still go back to that momentand I remember crying and I'm
like his eyes.
I'm like I'm not safe being afemale.
I'm not safe looking pretty.
I'm not safe doing this becauseI made myself look like an ass
and now to overcompensate forthat, I'm not going to let
anybody come in and hurt me.
So I'm going to be better,faster, smarter and funnier and
(22:54):
not feel things and use humorbeautifully, as this big armor
shield is like, oh God, theseare too big, really fucking
funny.
And then I'm like, oh, but Ihave really wise words to say
and big feelings to feel thatserve just as much as that, yeah
, and so these last three yearshave been a lot of really,
really deep peeling back of thatand so it's never too late
(23:16):
never too late.
Liliana (23:17):
I just want you to know that I had the same experience
and it was in third grade and Iwas like are you fucking kidding
me?
But it was like a voice tellingme but you're one of us.
You're not a girl, and I waslike what?
And from that moment on I'm oneof the boys and I did
(23:39):
everything to become one of theboys.
Miranda (23:44):
So then, the part of us that's disconnected and
shielded is like I want to befound attractive, I want to feel
wanted, I want to feel pretty,but I don't know how I knew what
I am.
I'm like what do you want?
Like what's your intention?
I feel like I'm a tool, like Ican't trust this, and then
they're like oh, you're justreally hard.
I'm like tool, like I can'ttrust this, and then they're
(24:06):
like oh, you're just really hard.
I'm like yeah, because I'm oneof the boys I'm hard ass.
Take that, you know what I mean.
Liliana (24:08):
Like so we deflect it beautifully.
It's a dance we do without evenknowing we're doing it.
Oh, I'm, I'm reading a.
Well, I finished actuallyreading a book, uh, the author
Anna in her book because youknow we're friends and she
doesn't know yet um, she talksabout an example, uh, talking
about these gender expectationsand how her son has long, uh
hair.
And they get to the elevatorand a lady was like are you a
(24:30):
boy or a girl?
And and the boy couldn'tunderstand, um, that question.
And the mom, without saving him, says you know, there's a world
full of possibilities.
Maria (24:41):
And.
Liliana (24:41):
I love her answer in that moment and then she talks
about the conversation that shehad with her son.
But I think it's also comingback to we are in a moment in
(25:02):
time when we are saying and wehave, thankfully, people ask
yourself, melinda?
That is giving us permission tosay there is a world full of
possibilities, what I get to beand do and say, and I can be
okay with it, and the more thatwe have people representing and
naming this, then we're able tosay me too.
And there is a place for me,right?
Because in everything thatyou're sharing, this is what I
know right away.
Oh, you're inviting me to haveawareness in the past and with
(25:27):
those prompts, then you aregiving me permission, even if I
don't need it, becauseemotionally I feel like I do.
Like you're giving me permissionto accept who I am and what I
want to do, and then thereframing that is happening
following that, so that thatguilt, that shame don't pop
(25:48):
according to your family culture, culture it doesn't matter.
Like you are reframing it sothat my whole being is okay with
it, until I become so aware ofthe armor, so aware of my gifts,
so aware of, and then I can dosomething different.
Miranda (26:08):
And I want to bring in another layer for this.
So when people challenge us orgive us the most ick or judgment
, they're showing us where ourblind spots are.
They're showing us where we'renot confident, certain and clear
.
So we thank them becausethey're going to be our biggest
teachers, they're going to beour biggest motivator to keep
(26:28):
moving forward.
Yeah, but we get stuck in like,oh, I'm not good enough.
No, like thank you for sayingthis.
Like I work with my mom and Iwore a really kind of fun top.
She goes what's with the spicyoutfit?
I'm like this is uncomfortablefor you, isn't it?
She's like well, you're on aZoom.
And I'm like thank God I'm on aZoom, because if I was in real
person and somebody looked down,we'd not have the same outfit.
(26:49):
I'm like so it's good that it'sjust across the board.
I feel very lucky andprivileged that I get your text
with what shit that you wear.
And I'm like no, you didn't.
And you go yeah, I just said at-rex suit to somebody.
(27:10):
They're like you wore that.
I'm like oh god, yeah, I have at-rex inflatable suit, a cow
suit, a horse.
I'm like having fun and showingup that.
The joy and laughter and joyhumor.
Like I worked with a veteranyesterday and he was in a grumpy
ass mood so I went back to myoffice and put on a little
sticky mustache.
I said I must ask you, are yougonna be grumpy all session or
can we start over?
And he's like what is wrongwith you?
I'm like, oh, you're gonna askme what's wrong with me.
I'm like I'm in a great mood.
(27:31):
I'm like not to point fingershere, but somebody else in this
room is not.
But like we can chip it awayand make it feel safe.
Yeah, if we do that and we keepourselves like that joyous kid
that's inside, yes, Like thatconnects to so many people that
you don't even know.
Liliana (27:51):
Yeah, and especially as the world is so heavy, right,
like, I love what you just did.
You know what you share thatyou did with him, because the
world is so heavy and sometimeswe need that in order just to
laugh and we start with thelaugh and then other doors open.
Right, that is the door of likeoh, I'm safe to be me here with
(28:14):
you and I get to share actuallywhat is happening.
Like, it is a beautiful doorthat you and the therapists are
offering your clients.
Miranda (28:24):
Oh, thank you, I receive that in my heart.
Maria (28:27):
I love that, I love that, yeah, and I'm, you know, I'm
wondering because this arm, I'mfascinated with this concept of
armor.
Is this armor?
Is this resiliency?
Is this just protection andsurvival?
Is this skill building, likewhat?
Miranda (28:46):
All of it, all of it.
Okay, you know what I mean,because I think like if you were
shown like I think it's GaborMate that has this theory that,
like, if you're shown thatyou're not safe, you will
genetically change it in yourgenes to not let that happen.
Whether that be, I'm going toput on more weight around my
belly because I don't want to besexually attractive, or I am
going to have these likeunrealistic expectations that I
(29:08):
don't sleep at all, but then itstarts to morph into that lens
or like a part of us that welook through and it becomes a
reality.
So the more we get used to itand use it, the more it's like
how do I change it?
Because it's a part of who I am, and so then it feels like it
just gets stuck to you.
Liliana (29:25):
Yeah, so in all the therapists who are listening,
who work with not only migrantsbut first and second generation,
that is exactly what we see forthe narrative that our parents
went through that lens narrativethat our parents went through
that lens and then then we adapteven though we're removed.
We do not understand why.
(29:45):
That is exactly it what youjust named.
So thank you, because, like, Ihave to keep like renaming it,
for they're like this is what'shappening, um, but because
there's no training for us towork with migrants.
Maria (29:57):
You just name what I share in a one-on-one
consultation yeah, so some ofthe armor we're carrying may not
even be ours most of the timeit's not.
Miranda (30:07):
Most of the time we're like this little sticky velcro
patch going through the stickersand we're like, what is this?
And you're like, oh god, I'lljust deal with that later.
Well then it gets embedded andyou're like, okay, it's too too
far gone, I can't change it, ittoo much.
And then we just bear with itor push through, or, as we say
in Nebraska, pull yourself up byyour bootstraps.
And I'm like, okay, we're goingto stop that shit.
Like, pause again, pause.
(30:29):
Ask for help, because everysession this last year I've
ended it.
What can I do?
Or how can I show up andsupport you this next week and I
tell you what?
That is one of the hardestquestions my clients have
answering, because they've neverbeen given the space to
actually answer that yeah.
And they're like, well, I'mlike, oh no, no, I'm not saying
I'm a pro, I had to start withlike, hey, can I open the door
(30:51):
as your arms are full of like 20bags?
Liliana (30:55):
Yes, that's all I had to start.
Yeah, that's true, and TrevorNoah did a beautiful podcast
telling how, when we need helpand we don't ask for help,
that's actually where it starts.
We have to learn to ask forhelp, to build the trust, so
that you know when I need youRight.
(31:17):
And to me that was a hardconcept because I'm not used to
asking for help on my migraineand overachiever.
I can do everything by myfucking own.
And I had to listen to thatepisode several times for me to
realize yeah, no, I actuallyhave to ask for help.
Miranda (31:33):
So I guarantee everybody listening to this can
raise their hand.
How do you?
I bet, if you help somebody outand see the outcome directly,
you get this like hit ofdopamine.
You're like, oh my god, thatwas so cool.
Oh, I feel like such a.
You're not allowing somebodyelse to have that feeling when
we don't ask for help.
Yeah, that was a game changerin my book.
I'm like, oh my gosh, that's sotrue.
(31:54):
I love that feeling.
Yeah, okay, and you're givingpresence, you're giving
connection and you're building afamily and community or
whatever, and that's that's also.
What we need to is that realityof like I'm a human being.
I'm not perfect.
Don't put me on a pedestalbecause I'm messy, I'm raw, I
(32:18):
make plenty of mistakes in a day, so don don't treat me with
white gloves.
Yeah, because I get to love youas you show up and you get to
love me as I show up.
Maria (32:29):
Yeah, Well, it's so needed now more than ever in our
lifetimes.
Right?
This, this idea of breakingaway from I don't even want to
say hyper-independence, becauseit's further than that.
It's like I should be able totake care of myself.
I shouldn't have to rely onanyone, I shouldn't need anyone.
It has really taken us awayfrom communities, right and
(32:54):
families, and this is separatefrom the.
We're breaking off fromunhealthy family patterns and
unhealthy.
This is separate from the.
We're breaking off fromunhealthy family patterns and
unhealthy.
That that's separate.
Liliana (33:02):
Yeah.
Maria (33:02):
But this idea of asking for help before we need it or
being willing to accept helpwithout beating ourselves up
about it or feeling sick over itor what, or feeling shame right
Cause I think that's the otherthing that comes up is shame
that I needed help, Even if itis because I'm trying to do the
(33:23):
one trip from the car to thehouse and I've got 20 bags and
I'm like why do we do this toourselves?
Right, but even if it's on thatlevel, right.
This idea of helping andallowing others to help fosters
these connections that remindall of us that we're all humans
(33:44):
kind of struggling and that weonly survive when we do it
together.
Miranda (33:50):
Right, and we're all in this for the first time
consciously, that's exactly it.
Liliana (33:56):
So, with that, because I'm mindful of time, I feel like
this is part one.
I feel, miranda, that you'regoing to have to come back for
part two of this ongoingconversation so everyone heard
it.
Miranda (34:10):
She said, yes, oh, I did.
Liliana (34:11):
That was a hell yeah and with that, thank you,
because maria and I couldn'tstop, like our wheels are just
going with the beautifulconversation that you are
inviting us not only tocontemplate but to accept, right
, even that right, like the giftof accepting today's
conversation.
So, for all of you listeningout there, just wait for part
(34:31):
two.
Um, in the meantime, miranda,thank you.
Thank you for your gift, thankyou for being you, thank you for
those fucking pictures, um,they, I mean, I have to be
careful when I open your text,um, because I have no idea how
hard I'm gonna laugh and wheream I located in that moment.
(34:54):
Yet I love them.
Sometimes it's at three in themorning, sometimes I was like
girl, what are you doing up?
Not sleeping, being?
Maria (35:06):
brilliant.
Liliana (35:06):
Thank you.
Thank you for being you andthen until next time, Thanks.
Amanda Thank you Till then.
Welcome back listeners.
This is your co-host, maria,and I'm here with my lovely
co-host.
Liliana (00:07):
I was going to say Maria, but no, I'm sorry,
miranda, but no, that's me.
Hello everyone, we're here withour special guest that I was so
excited that I jumped in rightaway.
To Miranda, how do you want tointroduce yourself to our guests
?
Miranda (00:22):
to our listeners.
Well, I'm Miranda.
I live in rural Nebraska, soright in Smackdown, in the
center of the state, but I getthe beautiful opportunity of
working with a various group ofpeople in three different
offices.
And I also get to travelglobally and teach and coach.
I've been doing this for about15 years and when I tell people
that they're like, I'm like.
(00:42):
I know years and when I tellpeople that they're like, I'm
like, I know.
Liliana (00:47):
If you follow Miranda in her Instagram account, you
see the pictures where she'straveling and she like I just
love what you're doing, by theway.
Miranda (00:57):
Oh, thank you, it's really opened up a new chapter
of like how joy can show up andreally this topic that I'm going
to be talking about, like youget to create the life you want
and let go of the fear thatholds you back oh, you get to
create yeah, you're your authorof your whole story and you can
(01:18):
rewrite your chapters, you canedit it, but it doesn't
determine your destination oh,so let's start and let's preach.
Liliana (01:27):
Please tell us more.
Miranda (01:30):
Well, I feel especially the way I was growing
up like you're taught andyou're giving these expectations
and these boxes that you haveto check and you're like, oh, I
can be successful if I do ABC,but then pretty soon you're like
that's not fulfilling.
So I'm going to do more andseek more and try and be more,
and then that's exhausting.
And then you end up depletingyourself and you're like, why am
I not good enough?
Maria (01:51):
and that's not true, yeah like I call all my clients yeah
, that's such a common beliefyeah I'm not good enough yeah,
people, people are leaving me,people are rejecting me, they're
challenging me.
Miranda (02:04):
Oh, my god, it's me.
No, it's not.
It's the fact that you'redifferent and you're reflecting
your light to them, and it's toobright for that moment.
And I use the word armor a lot,with a lot of people I wear
because we have this protectivegear we put on.
Whether you're in lawenforcement or a mom or a woman,
we put this on as a safety andthen when our light starts to
(02:26):
peek through, it really makespeople go.
Oh, and that's when that innerturmoil can really start to come
up and shake that insecurity.
Maria (02:36):
I love that.
So this armor that you'retalking about this is something
that almost everybody wears.
It's something that we grow upwith knowing.
How do you, how do we use that?
How do we use that information?
How do we use our armor?
Miranda (02:51):
So I love watching my kids.
I have three beautiful teachersevery day that teach me that.
When they get feedback fromfriends or adults and I see
their little heart dim, I'm like, ooh, let's talk about that
piece you just put on.
I'm like, ooh, let's talk aboutthat piece you just put on.
They're like mom, it hurt myheart.
I said I felt that.
And they're like I felt stupid.
I said okay, is that true?
(03:12):
And they're like no, I said soyou put that on to protect it?
I said but let's not put it onto wear, let's talk about it.
Let's hold that for just asecond and look at the wisdom
that maybe you can't see.
And they hate this.
Sometimes we're in the car.
I'm like, well, let's do this.
And they're like oh, mom.
And I'm like hold on, I've usedthe OxiClean guy like all week.
(03:34):
Wait, there's more.
But seriously, like what wisdom?
Like, had you not done that?
Like what would have happenedto the person that you're
protecting?
Or, um, you've raised your handand you got the answer what
would have been the drawback ofyou not even trying?
And they're like well, Iwouldn't have known.
I'm like perfect, and are youmaking it so other kids can make
mistakes and it's okay, andthey're like, oh yeah, I'm like,
(03:59):
okay, that's a beautiful.
So we talk about those littlenuggets.
I and I guess I'm grateful forthe awareness that I have
because as a kid, like my momand dad were great teachers, but
it wasn't like the felt sensewas brought in.
It was like oh, here's right andwrong and we love you, but that
guilt and shame that was stillkind of attached to like some of
(04:19):
it, because they didn't knowhow to support me, because I've
always been my own person with avery, very strong, big
personality, and so I think theytried to protect me.
Liliana (04:30):
Yeah, but is it a big?
Because I don't think it's abig personality.
I think that when we talk andour field has been talking for
Especially the last couple ofyears Of being authentic, you
embrace that, which is, you'renot excusing yourself for who
you are or how you respond oranything that you do, and I
(04:51):
think that is a bill forbeautiful mirror for all of us
and give us permission to do thesame thing right and even in
this as you're talking, at thisarmor, which I started thinking
right away because my ADHD likekicks in right away and I was
like, oh, so personal andprofessionally Got it Personally
, as you're talking beautifullyand reframing this for your
(05:14):
children to be curious, toattune, it's such a beautiful
job that you're doing with them.
Side note fucking ungratefulkids, right, because my kids do
the same shit.
Like are we going to right,cause my kids do the same shit,
like are we going to do this?
I was like, uh, excuse me, comeback to the conversation.
Um, but personally, think aboutall the projections and
(05:37):
expectations that we borrow andwe hold in that it's getting
heavier and heavier for notbeing actually congruent to what
we're called to do or what wewant to do.
And then, but bring itprofessionally.
When we have this beautifultemplate, we're children going
to school, getting our master'sprogram and then the projections
(06:00):
or that armor starts buildingup, because all the shoots are
like you need to be trainingthis, you should be doing this,
you should be working with thispopulation, you should be
working with medicaid.
Like it's all these shoots andhow do we learn?
Like how it gets so heavy.
Miranda, that's what I'm sayingso.
Miranda (06:21):
I love how you're using your hands because when we
, when we say that I'm like,where do you feel that at in
your body?
Because that's how you're usingyour hands.
Because when we say that I'mlike, where do you feel that at
in your body?
Because that's where you'reprotecting and a lot of times
it's in your central part,because that's where your
creation hub is Like if you'retalking energy hubs, it's your
solar plexus, where you createyour authenticity from there.
And when you're like God, it'sso heavy.
I'm like, if you're shrinking,like that, that's your body's
(06:47):
feedback to say hey, that's notyours and that's not what you're
meant to be.
And when my clients say I'msorry, I'm like pause.
Every time you say sorry, youapologize for existing, and
that's bullshit.
Yeah, I said you don't need toapologize and take up space.
You're a gift.
I'm like you get to take upspace and you get to share that
with people.
Yeah, but I think we're soingrained to be good and perfect
(07:09):
and like if I'm doing all thesethings, I'm enough and that's
an arrival fallacy, right likethere's always going to be
something else.
But let's not take away theamazing joy in the moment
because you're not present now.
This is a lesson.
I actually had to get a tattooon my arm to remember.
It says be here now.
But you know I am a hardlearner, so as a reminder got it
(07:38):
.
Maria (07:38):
Can we see the tattoo?
Where do you put it?
Miranda (07:41):
it right here, didn't it just sit here?
Liliana (07:43):
now, girl, talk about the lessons that we have a hard
time.
I just share before coming inright about needing oxygen.
Maria (07:52):
Mine breathe I love that.
So, miranda, you're you'retalking about doing this with
clients, but I'm seeing a directline for therapists also
struggling with this idea.
Yeah.
Miranda (08:10):
Well, how many times as a therapist do we feel like
we have to save our clients orbe everything that they need and
then we end up being sodepleted that we can't support
ourselves and go home Like ourbrain makes like 35,000
decisions in a day and we gohome what's for supper?
And you're like I have no ideawhat my name is right now and I
can't even form a sentence.
(08:31):
That's the last question I wantto have answered.
So then we have that guilt oflike oh my God, I'm not being
present for my kids, oh my GodI'm not taking care of myself,
oh my God I'm not doing off, andI'm like stop, we're taking
away the gift for our clients Ifwe solve all their problems for
them, if we do everything forthem.
(08:52):
There's gifts in them havingstruggles and challenges and we
get to help hold them in ourarmor of strength and our
resilience so they can re-puttheirs together.
Maria (09:02):
So they can re-put theirs together.
Yeah, I love that.
I love that I also.
I mean, attached to that isthis default answer of like I'm
fine.
Yeah, bullshit, you're likedescribing the hamster wheel on
fire.
Miranda (09:20):
And I'm like, yeah, but it's fine.
So anytime I like what, I'mguilty of that too.
I'm like, okay, fine, what areyou really wanting to say?
And what are you afraid ofsaying that you've been told you
can't because you're not safe,it's not going to be fixed your
burden, what is that?
And then I'm like no, no,you're going to take a deep
(09:42):
breath because your brain isbeautifully protecting you, but
I want your body to feel that.
So, as a therapist, I'm finewith the amount of paperwork and
stuff like that.
Nobody's fine Like that in andof itself overwhelming.
So like, let's just take amoment and say I am overwhelmed.
I don't understand all thesechanges.
I have no idea.
I don't even feel like I canserve my clients the way I want
to serve them without being toldI'm doing something wrong.
Yes, I love them with my wholeheart, but I can't say I love
(10:02):
them with my whole heart.
But I can't say I love themwith my whole heart because
that's unethical and I'm like Iwill not stop doing that, I will
not stop hugging them, I willnot stop showing up for them and
I will not stop loving them bythe way, I have never stopped
hugging them or giving them akiss, because culturally that's
what we do.
Liliana (10:21):
I tell my instructor.
Miranda (10:22):
I just blame it on the redhead.
It's a little spicy, so you,you're gonna come in for a hug
and we're gonna make it count Ilove this conversation.
Liliana (10:35):
I feel like maria and I cannot stop like smiling and
like all the way through oureyes, right, which is there is a
movement we're going through,something where we're trying to
figure out who we are, thatwe're being carrying in is just
too heavy, and I think,collectively, that's what we are
(11:09):
naming, even though we're usingdifferent words.
This armor is just too heavyand I need you to see what I'm
carrying.
And can you allow me to seewhat you're carrying?
And then, what do we want to doabout it?
Maria (11:25):
The question go ahead.
Well, no, I just love that and Ilove the tie to like narrative
work right, like from thebeginning you're like this is
your story, you get to be theauthor and at any point you can
pause and decide if you want tokeep going, if you want to edit,
if you want to pivot.
And I think part of that I mean,especially when I, for whatever
reason, I am stuck on thetherapist, that I am doing
(11:47):
consultation and supervisionaround right now because
everything feels so heavy forthem.
And what's been coming up a lotis this feeling of like I'm
failing, I'm not strong enough,I'm not fast enough, I'm I'm
just like if I were juststronger or better at this, then
I can, you know I could do more.
And it's, it's refreshing tosay like, okay, let's look at
(12:11):
one the systems in which you areworking are designed for you to
fail.
Yeah, let's, let's just behonest.
And two, what I'm hearing fromyou this morning is some of that
armor doesn't need to be thereanymore.
Yeah, right, and then not tosay right, because taking off
all of our armor feels veryvulnerable and may not be safe
to do so.
But for some of us maybe thereare pieces that we can take off
(12:34):
in certain situations or spacesor with certain people and let
our light kind of shine throughand breathe a little bit.
Miranda (12:44):
So I loved how you said that you're working with
therapists that are like I needto do more, be more thing.
I'm not fast enough and my, myquestion that zings them is who
are you comparing yourself to?
Yes, in this moment, who areyou thinking you should be like
Because they're a seasonedclinician 40 years and they're
stepping out of retirement?
You're not going to look thesame, your caseload isn't even
(13:11):
the same, and they're steppingout of retirement.
You're not going to look thesame, your caseload isn't even
the same, and you're negatingyour gift you're giving to the
clients that you have.
God, like I still get emotionalwith this Like you're missing
your beautiful, joyous gift,your authentic service, when you
compare yourself when youcompare yourself, yeah Well,
it's often compared to thisfalse idea that never existed.
Maria (13:29):
right?
These are this ideal therapistwho gets put out into the world
by, let's see, professors orpractice owners or businesses
who were never cliniciansthemselves and they're looking
at numbers.
They're not looking at the workwe do.
Right, we are not.
We are not factories that grindout material.
(13:51):
Right, where you need aproductivity, you need to make
72 wrenches each day to beproductive, right, we are in the
messy, messy business ofhelping messy, messy people with
their lives, of helping messy,messy people with their lives.
There isn't a productivitymatrix that captures all that
goes into having a session,having a client, because it's
(14:12):
beyond the session, right, likewe can be honest about that.
Having a client is not just anhour a week on your schedule.
It's so much more than that.
Miranda (14:24):
Yeah, because then you put it in your bag of I'm not
going to think about it, whichis also BS, because it looms in
your depths of your brain oflike oh my God.
And then I'm like so what I'vethat one was something I had to
really work on is like notcarrying that forward, because
then it feels like you're doingthat resistance exercise as a
football player where that bandis just going to pull you back
and I'm like hold on, I knowthey know how to get ahold of me
(14:45):
and I have, for certain, madesure they know that.
So now we get to build the trust, now we get to build the
consistency and congruency andto teach them that somebody is
actually speaking truth,somebody's actually following up
, showing up the way they saidthey were.
It's probably a bigger giftthan anything we could do.
Yes, yes, yeah, like we wearthis armor, but then we forget
(15:07):
about all of our superpowers.
Yes, because our cape is sotightly wound up in that metal
of like.
I don't know if I can do thisyet, because I don't know if I'm
ready.
And what does a mama bird do?
She just kicks her baby birdout of the nest and goes.
You got this my bad.
Maybe he wasn't ready quite yet.
Liliana (15:26):
That'll buff out a couple of weeks and it will be
here, but I wanted to.
I was trying to remember thename of the movie and this is
where my adhd and maria knowsthat, right, like it goes.
And then like, damn, it comeback.
It'll come back, but I don't, Idon't want to miss it because,
(15:46):
um, there was a movie that I waswatching yesterday I have to
have noise when I'm working inorder for my brain to function
and I was seeing that movie andI cannot remember.
But you guys tell me if youremember the name of it where
she says I volunteer, Ivolunteer, and she uses the
Hunger.
Games.
Thank you, I could not come upwith that thing and what did I
come on?
(16:08):
I was anyways, I had in thebackground and they said a
phrase and I came back to itbecause they done on me that
that's exactly what systems do,which is they're having this
conversation, um, and it's atthe beginnings, before they they
in and he says they're talkingabout hope.
We need to give them enoughhope for them to believe, but
(16:29):
not enough that they dosomething about it.
Yes, right, and I rememberbecause, like yesterday, I'm
like hold on, I'm like writingit down and I'm like, oh, that's
what it is right.
When we're carrying that armor,when we're in systems, whatever
system, that is right.
When we're carrying that armor,when we're in systems, whatever
system that is, it doesn'tmatter either personal or
professionally.
The idea of these systems, whenwe're talking about the
(16:51):
therapist, is to make youbelieve that there's something
else out there that you canreach, that there's an image, a
status that you should reach,but the reality is that they
don't want you to also to hopeenough, because they have to
maintain you there until yousaid not only I do not volunteer
(17:11):
, I'm fucking out, like I'm done, which is exactly what you're
saying.
Which is, how do we go back tomake you aware of all these
gifts, so that the hope iswithin that external.
Miranda (17:26):
Do you want to know what I do with them?
Tell me, okay, I want to dowith both of you.
I want you to close your eyes.
Liliana (17:32):
Okay.
Miranda (17:32):
Put your hand on your heart, take a breath in and let
it out.
And if I gave you permission inthis moment to dream big and
have whatever you wanted cometrue, because you're worth it,
what would that be?
Because it's here, it's nevergone full body chills.
(18:05):
What an invitation to tap backin mm-hmm, but even right, yeah,
to get pause yeah learning topause in a world chaotic.
Liliana (18:23):
That is the resistance, that is the challenge, that is
the hope, that is what is goingto keep us going right, even in
this moment.
As you said it, I couldn't stopbecause I feel teary right away
, because my answer came out.
You're already doing it, um howcool does that feel?
Miranda (18:42):
Can you thank yourself for allowing yourself to be
here?
Liliana (18:47):
So thank you, right, because the only thing I can do
is like the tears and the smile,like, oh, I'm already doing it,
but how many of our colleaguesof our friends are not given the
permission to do that becausealso all the other barriers that
they have.
And how do we help them seewhat are the barriers, what is
(19:11):
the system and then what areyour gifts?
We can have awareness of allthis around to see where it can
be being power within.
Miranda (19:25):
I love that.
Maria (19:25):
Well, yeah, and so if you're listening, pause, go back
.
Yes, go through the exerciseyourself and find out what what
you're calling is.
What is your bringing up othermovies?
But like what's your heart'sdesire, like what is it that you
were given to share, and areyou in a place where you can
share it?
Miranda (19:48):
And I'm going to deepen that.
And if you find that challenge,it's like I don't know, write
that down, because what are youreally obligated to?
Is it the like action thatyou're attached to?
Is it the fear of rejection?
Because if you can sit withthat and identify where that
comes from, you will be free.
Yeah, that's that hook thatkeeps you like I don't know if I
(20:09):
can do this.
I don't know.
And you're like no, I can, andremove that obligation with love
so you can preserve therelationship.
Yes, I can still be this but Idon't have to do this.
Is there a?
Maria (20:25):
common obligation that comes up in your work.
What are some of the commonhooks that keep us?
Miranda (20:31):
in not?
I think a lot of times as atherapist, specifically it's not
wanting to break the mold anddo something new or different,
or or what if people don'tunderstand?
Like this is how my brain worksand this is really effective,
but this is so new I'm like, oh,I can't do this.
Or how do I tell somebody Idon't want to work with this
(20:52):
population and not be labeled asa bitch or picky or demanding.
I don't want to do that.
Liliana (20:58):
Thank you for naming it .
It's unembr.
Embrace that right now.
Miranda (21:03):
Because you asked me what my limitations are of my
things and I tell you and you'relike well, but we have like
seven of them in our referralpile and we're really
overwhelmed, so you're justgoing to have to take it.
They're not going to beeffective, the clients aren't
going to find it successful.
So let's stop asking them iftheir truth isn't going to be
(21:23):
heard.
Maria (21:24):
Yeah, I love that.
Miranda (21:27):
Practicing that vocal like no breathe Cause.
That's a hard word for a lot ofus, because is it something
that brings me joy and energyand pulls me out?
And if it's not, then that's ano yeah, yeah it yeah, yeah,
it's.
Maria (21:43):
it's what's aligning, right like, is this in line,
aligned with what I want to do,what my values are, what my
beliefs are, versus what I'mtold from, I mean not even just
in grad school?
Right, we're talking like youngage, you systems and family
systems, structuring us in theseboxes.
This is what's expected of youand you will only find success
(22:08):
or be fulfilled if you checkthese boxes which we have laid
out for you.
Miranda (22:13):
So the other day I was sitting with like where did I
lose my feminine energy andreally put up my shield for
masculine to protect and be, andlike I'm going to be one of the
boys, I'm not going to let any?
I named it on Saturday, thirdgrade.
I wore this cute dress.
I'm standing outside the bus,my crush is on the bus and a
girl to pants me and I.
(22:34):
I still go back to that momentand I remember crying and I'm
like his eyes.
I'm like I'm not safe being afemale.
I'm not safe looking pretty.
I'm not safe doing this becauseI made myself look like an ass
and now to overcompensate forthat, I'm not going to let
anybody come in and hurt me.
So I'm going to be better,faster, smarter and funnier and
(22:54):
not feel things and use humorbeautifully, as this big armor
shield is like, oh God, theseare too big, really fucking
funny.
And then I'm like, oh, but Ihave really wise words to say
and big feelings to feel thatserve just as much as that, yeah
, and so these last three yearshave been a lot of really,
really deep peeling back of thatand so it's never too late
(23:16):
never too late.
Liliana (23:17):
I just want you to know that I had the same experience
and it was in third grade and Iwas like are you fucking kidding
me?
But it was like a voice tellingme but you're one of us.
You're not a girl, and I waslike what?
And from that moment on I'm oneof the boys and I did
(23:39):
everything to become one of theboys.
Miranda (23:44):
So then, the part of us that's disconnected and
shielded is like I want to befound attractive, I want to feel
wanted, I want to feel pretty,but I don't know how I knew what
I am.
I'm like what do you want?
Like what's your intention?
I feel like I'm a tool, like Ican't trust this, and then
they're like oh, you're justreally hard.
I'm like tool, like I can'ttrust this, and then they're
(24:06):
like oh, you're just really hard.
I'm like yeah, because I'm oneof the boys I'm hard ass.
Take that, you know what I mean.
Liliana (24:08):
Like so we deflect it beautifully.
It's a dance we do without evenknowing we're doing it.
Oh, I'm, I'm reading a.
Well, I finished actuallyreading a book, uh, the author
Anna in her book because youknow we're friends and she
doesn't know yet um, she talksabout an example, uh, talking
about these gender expectationsand how her son has long, uh
hair.
And they get to the elevatorand a lady was like are you a
(24:30):
boy or a girl?
And and the boy couldn'tunderstand, um, that question.
And the mom, without saving him, says you know, there's a world
full of possibilities.
Maria (24:41):
And.
Liliana (24:41):
I love her answer in that moment and then she talks
about the conversation that shehad with her son.
But I think it's also comingback to we are in a moment in
(25:02):
time when we are saying and wehave, thankfully, people ask
yourself, melinda?
That is giving us permission tosay there is a world full of
possibilities, what I get to beand do and say, and I can be
okay with it, and the more thatwe have people representing and
naming this, then we're able tosay me too.
And there is a place for me,right?
Because in everything thatyou're sharing, this is what I
know right away.
Oh, you're inviting me to haveawareness in the past and with
(25:27):
those prompts, then you aregiving me permission, even if I
don't need it, becauseemotionally I feel like I do.
Like you're giving me permissionto accept who I am and what I
want to do, and then thereframing that is happening
following that, so that thatguilt, that shame don't pop
(25:48):
according to your family culture, culture it doesn't matter.
Like you are reframing it sothat my whole being is okay with
it, until I become so aware ofthe armor, so aware of my gifts,
so aware of, and then I can dosomething different.
Miranda (26:08):
And I want to bring in another layer for this.
So when people challenge us orgive us the most ick or judgment
, they're showing us where ourblind spots are.
They're showing us where we'renot confident, certain and clear
.
So we thank them becausethey're going to be our biggest
teachers, they're going to beour biggest motivator to keep
(26:28):
moving forward.
Yeah, but we get stuck in like,oh, I'm not good enough.
No, like thank you for sayingthis.
Like I work with my mom and Iwore a really kind of fun top.
She goes what's with the spicyoutfit?
I'm like this is uncomfortablefor you, isn't it?
She's like well, you're on aZoom.
And I'm like thank God I'm on aZoom, because if I was in real
person and somebody looked down,we'd not have the same outfit.
(26:49):
I'm like so it's good that it'sjust across the board.
I feel very lucky andprivileged that I get your text
with what shit that you wear.
And I'm like no, you didn't.
And you go yeah, I just said at-rex suit to somebody.
(27:10):
They're like you wore that.
I'm like oh god, yeah, I have at-rex inflatable suit, a cow
suit, a horse.
I'm like having fun and showingup that.
The joy and laughter and joyhumor.
Like I worked with a veteranyesterday and he was in a grumpy
ass mood so I went back to myoffice and put on a little
sticky mustache.
I said I must ask you, are yougonna be grumpy all session or
can we start over?
And he's like what is wrongwith you?
I'm like, oh, you're gonna askme what's wrong with me.
I'm like I'm in a great mood.
(27:31):
I'm like not to point fingershere, but somebody else in this
room is not.
But like we can chip it awayand make it feel safe.
Yeah, if we do that and we keepourselves like that joyous kid
that's inside, yes, Like thatconnects to so many people that
you don't even know.
Liliana (27:51):
Yeah, and especially as the world is so heavy, right,
like, I love what you just did.
You know what you share thatyou did with him, because the
world is so heavy and sometimeswe need that in order just to
laugh and we start with thelaugh and then other doors open.
Right, that is the door of likeoh, I'm safe to be me here with
(28:14):
you and I get to share actuallywhat is happening.
Like, it is a beautiful doorthat you and the therapists are
offering your clients.
Miranda (28:24):
Oh, thank you, I receive that in my heart.
Maria (28:27):
I love that, I love that, yeah, and I'm, you know, I'm
wondering because this arm, I'mfascinated with this concept of
armor.
Is this armor?
Is this resiliency?
Is this just protection andsurvival?
Is this skill building, likewhat?
Miranda (28:46):
All of it, all of it.
Okay, you know what I mean,because I think like if you were
shown like I think it's GaborMate that has this theory that,
like, if you're shown thatyou're not safe, you will
genetically change it in yourgenes to not let that happen.
Whether that be, I'm going toput on more weight around my
belly because I don't want to besexually attractive, or I am
going to have these likeunrealistic expectations that I
(29:08):
don't sleep at all, but then itstarts to morph into that lens
or like a part of us that welook through and it becomes a
reality.
So the more we get used to itand use it, the more it's like
how do I change it?
Because it's a part of who I am, and so then it feels like it
just gets stuck to you.
Liliana (29:25):
Yeah, so in all the therapists who are listening,
who work with not only migrantsbut first and second generation,
that is exactly what we see forthe narrative that our parents
went through that lens narrativethat our parents went through
that lens and then then we adapteven though we're removed.
We do not understand why.
(29:45):
That is exactly it what youjust named.
So thank you, because, like, Ihave to keep like renaming it,
for they're like this is what'shappening, um, but because
there's no training for us towork with migrants.
Maria (29:57):
You just name what I share in a one-on-one
consultation yeah, so some ofthe armor we're carrying may not
even be ours most of the timeit's not.
Miranda (30:07):
Most of the time we're like this little sticky velcro
patch going through the stickersand we're like, what is this?
And you're like, oh god, I'lljust deal with that later.
Well then it gets embedded andyou're like, okay, it's too too
far gone, I can't change it, ittoo much.
And then we just bear with itor push through, or, as we say
in Nebraska, pull yourself up byyour bootstraps.
And I'm like, okay, we're goingto stop that shit.
Like, pause again, pause.
(30:29):
Ask for help, because everysession this last year I've
ended it.
What can I do?
Or how can I show up andsupport you this next week and I
tell you what?
That is one of the hardestquestions my clients have
answering, because they've neverbeen given the space to
actually answer that yeah.
And they're like, well, I'mlike, oh no, no, I'm not saying
I'm a pro, I had to start withlike, hey, can I open the door
(30:51):
as your arms are full of like 20bags?
Liliana (30:55):
Yes, that's all I had to start.
Yeah, that's true, and TrevorNoah did a beautiful podcast
telling how, when we need helpand we don't ask for help,
that's actually where it starts.
We have to learn to ask forhelp, to build the trust, so
that you know when I need youRight.
(31:17):
And to me that was a hardconcept because I'm not used to
asking for help on my migraineand overachiever.
I can do everything by myfucking own.
And I had to listen to thatepisode several times for me to
realize yeah, no, I actuallyhave to ask for help.
Miranda (31:33):
So I guarantee everybody listening to this can
raise their hand.
How do you?
I bet, if you help somebody outand see the outcome directly,
you get this like hit ofdopamine.
You're like, oh my god, thatwas so cool.
Oh, I feel like such a.
You're not allowing somebodyelse to have that feeling when
we don't ask for help.
Yeah, that was a game changerin my book.
I'm like, oh my gosh, that's sotrue.
(31:54):
I love that feeling.
Yeah, okay, and you're givingpresence, you're giving
connection and you're building afamily and community or
whatever, and that's that's also.
What we need to is that realityof like I'm a human being.
I'm not perfect.
Don't put me on a pedestalbecause I'm messy, I'm raw, I
(32:18):
make plenty of mistakes in a day, so don don't treat me with
white gloves.
Yeah, because I get to love youas you show up and you get to
love me as I show up.
Maria (32:29):
Yeah, Well, it's so needed now more than ever in our
lifetimes.
Right?
This, this idea of breakingaway from I don't even want to
say hyper-independence, becauseit's further than that.
It's like I should be able totake care of myself.
I shouldn't have to rely onanyone, I shouldn't need anyone.
It has really taken us awayfrom communities, right and
(32:54):
families, and this is separatefrom the.
We're breaking off fromunhealthy family patterns and
unhealthy.
This is separate from the.
We're breaking off fromunhealthy family patterns and
unhealthy.
That that's separate.
Liliana (33:02):
Yeah.
Maria (33:02):
But this idea of asking for help before we need it or
being willing to accept helpwithout beating ourselves up
about it or feeling sick over itor what, or feeling shame right
Cause I think that's the otherthing that comes up is shame
that I needed help, Even if itis because I'm trying to do the
(33:23):
one trip from the car to thehouse and I've got 20 bags and
I'm like why do we do this toourselves?
Right, but even if it's on thatlevel, right.
This idea of helping andallowing others to help fosters
these connections that remindall of us that we're all humans
(33:44):
kind of struggling and that weonly survive when we do it
together.
Miranda (33:50):
Right, and we're all in this for the first time
consciously, that's exactly it.
Liliana (33:56):
So, with that, because I'm mindful of time, I feel like
this is part one.
I feel, miranda, that you'regoing to have to come back for
part two of this ongoingconversation so everyone heard
it.
Miranda (34:10):
She said, yes, oh, I did.
Liliana (34:11):
That was a hell yeah and with that, thank you,
because maria and I couldn'tstop, like our wheels are just
going with the beautifulconversation that you are
inviting us not only tocontemplate but to accept, right
, even that right, like the giftof accepting today's
conversation.
So, for all of you listeningout there, just wait for part
(34:31):
two.
Um, in the meantime, miranda,thank you.
Thank you for your gift, thankyou for being you, thank you for
those fucking pictures, um,they, I mean, I have to be
careful when I open your text,um, because I have no idea how
hard I'm gonna laugh and wheream I located in that moment.
(34:54):
Yet I love them.
Sometimes it's at three in themorning, sometimes I was like
girl, what are you doing up?
Not sleeping, being?
Maria (35:06):
brilliant.
Liliana (35:06):
Thank you.
Thank you for being you andthen until next time, Thanks.
Amanda Thank you Till then.
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