May 6, 2024 • 38 mins
When Martyn Stewart first heard the word "cancer" in relation to his own health, his world was upended. Yet, as he reveals in our latest episode, it was the start of a journey that transformed his understanding of life, death, and the power of human resilience. We share a compelling and intimate conversation that transcends the typical narrative of struggle, focusing instead on Martyn's evolution through his battles with prostate cancer, his confrontation with mortality, his unwavering determination to live each moment to its fullest despite the odds and the role that nature has provided throughout.
The notion of mortality often casts a long shadow, but Martyn tries to keep us focussed on finding the light in the present. His story is an ode to the sublime beauty found in life's simplicity. Listeners will be moved by his reflections on the environment, his drive to give back to the planet, and how even in the face of terminal illness, one can leave an indelible positive mark.
As the episode unfolds, we traverse the diverse landscapes of despair and hope, pain and joy, and ultimately, acceptance. Martyn's yearning to capture nature's symphony is a testament to his passion for life, and his insights serve as a gentle reminder to appreciate the now, embracing the small wonders that each day brings. Join us for a conversation that's not only about facing the end but about the art of living meaningfully in the time that we have.
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Episode Transcript
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Martyn Stewart (00:01):
This is Martin Stewart, with a life in sound
from the Listening Planet.
Amanda Hill (00:15):
I want to talk about illness.
I want to talk about what itmeans to face death, and go with
me on this for a minute interms of I was thinking about it
in the car this morning after Idropped off Aldous and all of
us eventually are going to facedeath, but there's something
about being given a terminaldiagnosis that makes you live
(00:38):
differently.
I think, and a couple of myfriends their fathers have
passed away and the three of uswere talking one day about the
fact that we'd never had aconversation with our family,
with our parents, with ourfriends, about what it means to
confront death and what thatmeans for living.
(00:59):
And you're somebody, Martyn,for me, who lives and you live
so vibrantly for me who livesand you live so vibrantly.
And even since the diagnosis,there's not a single day you're
still not picking yourself upand getting on these Zoom calls
and doing all the stuff thatwe're trying to do, and so I'd
really like you, to start with,I want us to be really candid.
(01:22):
I want us to have aconversation that people won't
have about illness, because Ithink it matters to so many
people who are afraid to talkabout it.
So maybe we could start withthe first time the dreaded
cancer kind of entered your life.
It was a long time ago, right?
Martyn Stewart (01:40):
It started in 1994 in Scotland when I was
having problems in the oldurinary box area and then I was
diagnosed with prostate cancer.
So the easiest thing is to falldown this cliff and start
(02:01):
having a pity party and feelingsorry for yourself.
Down this cliff and starthaving a pity party and feeling
sorry for yourself, and it's.
It's that kind of thing whereyou know why me.
And then when, once you getpast that and you say well, why
not me?
You know why someone else showthe fight and spirit inside you
and and defeat anything you can.
(02:22):
My mum used to say she neverused to say many inspiring
things in my life, but she usedto say that, um, there's no such
thing as can't and I.
I used to think well, it's inthe dictionary and I've heard
people say it in school, so itis a word, and then you start to
(02:42):
understand it's a cop-out.
You know I can't do that or Ican't do this, I'll put it off
and I'll do this, that and theother Things like that becomes.
When I defeated that inScotland, it took a couple of
years to be clean.
When I approached it again, Iknew something was going on.
Amanda Hill (03:05):
So tell me, how old were you the first time that
you were diagnosed with cancer?
Martyn Stewart (03:08):
First, time was 1994, so do the math I'm 68 now.
I was 40.
Amanda Hill (03:21):
Yeah.
Martyn Stewart (03:22):
I was about 40.
Yeah, it's about 40.
So 40 years of age and thenbeing told by a doctor that you
know it's not an old man'sdisease, because I used to think
prostate, you get to 70 and youbollocks are dropping off.
You know, you think you smellof piss and you get all those
(03:42):
imagery.
You know, I'm not part of thatdepartment.
Amanda Hill (03:47):
I'm afraid.
Martyn Stewart (03:48):
I can't have that.
But I understood it and Ithought well, I've got a young
girl, she she was 12 at the time.
I thought I want to see hergrow up and I want to enjoy my
life.
And there's nothing reallywritten in front of me that says
(04:10):
that's going to prevent me fromdoing it, unless I get slammed
over by a boss or a truck.
Yeah, I knew what how tonavigate it.
I thought, because of myupbringing, I thought you just
got to get on with it you'reliving in a council estate and
you have to confront all kindsof things that just come at you
(04:34):
and it well, okay, this isanother way of navigating
through life, but I did have thepity parties as well.
I think you need to have those.
You need to get that sorrinessaway from you.
There was a time when I wasdriving down the a9 and I saw a
car approaching and I was sayingwhat if I just turn the wheel
in front of this car and then alittle voice on my shoulders
(04:57):
going you pathetic piece of shit, you know what a coward way out
and you're going to take awaysomeone's family?
So it was confronting all thesedemons.
So when I had it in 2019, I knewsomething was happening.
And then they diagnosed me andI thought, well, all right, I've
(05:18):
had it before, I know how toget through it, I'll just do it.
No, you know, and I did it.
I beat it, you know.
I got to the December and Iknocked the numbers down, but
then whoever it is that createdthis crap decided he was going
(05:39):
to throw a curveball and saywell, you know, you've done that
, here's your next test.
Test you've got bone cancer andthis is terminally ill.
Um, and I?
I had some major problemsbecause, as you say, when
someone tells you terminally illthat there's a, a clock starts
(06:03):
ticking.
Amanda Hill (06:04):
The clock doesn't tick the other way so when you
got cancer the second time, thatwas prostate prostate prostate,
yeah, prostate cancer and thatwas not the terminal diagnosis.
It was the bone.
Martyn Stewart (06:16):
No, no metastasized into my bones okay
and it.
It's one of those things whereit's the look of the draw.
It just happens.
I didn't know what it meant.
I had no idea.
When some doctor's telling youthe prognosis about stuff and
you think, well, okay, you're ina white coat, you're telling me
a bunch of shite, what are yougoing to do for me?
(06:37):
And then you quickly realizewhat terminal cancer means.
Then you've got two battles.
You have two fronts really.
You're trying to beat One.
Are you going to accept it?
Two, how do you become positive?
(07:02):
Through this?
Again You've been positivethrough something.
The word cancer is horrible andyou find that when you have
cancer, people don't know how tosay the word.
Amanda Hill (07:16):
Yeah.
Martyn Stewart (07:16):
And they stay off it and I introduce the word
to people and say, you know,make fun about it.
When we steppeddad had it, Iused to make jokes at him and
the family would stand aroundthe hospital bed going, oh my
God, you know you can't keepsaying that.
I remember it was his birthdayand I bought him something.
(07:38):
I said I didn't bother spendingthe extra money on the
guarantee, you know.
But he laughed about it and Ithought, well, he's seen
something funny from there,instead of everybody being
morbid and you know, taboo, youcan't say these things and I
always just change the rules.
I think, fuck it, but I do thatto myself.
Amanda Hill (08:01):
But tell me, how did you feel?
So when you found out so thatwas 2020, when you found out so
that was 2020 when you found outthat you had bone cancer, is
that?
Martyn Stewart (08:09):
right 2020.
Amanda Hill (08:10):
Yeah, 2020, december, the 30th 2020, some of
the 30th 2020 and god, I've gotso many questions for you, but
first question is um how, whenyou're told something, how long
do they tell you?
What does terminal mean in thatinstance?
Martyn Stewart (08:29):
yeah, what does terminal?
When does the boss come?
When does it pick you up?
Well, they said, based onstatistics and other people's
prognosis, you've got three tofive years to live.
And then all kinds of things gothrough your head.
What are you going to do inthree years?
(08:51):
What if it's five years?
What if they're wrong?
What if they do seven years?
And the first thing you do isyou do research on it and try to
understand what you have.
And once you understand, thenyou know what armory to take
into battle to fight it yeah butwhere I say you have to go
(09:11):
through that pity party.
I I've said this before.
I was laying in bed one o'clockin the morning feeling really
sorry for myself, and I camedownstairs and I grabbed my
phone and I called the suicideline.
I was really on that edge, youknow the precipice of whatever
(09:33):
was there to greet me.
And I remember talking to thisreally lovely lady and I said
I'm sorry to disturb you.
She's saying no, it's okay, you, you're not disturbed, that's
what we're here for.
And I was worried about there'sa thing called a baker act here
(09:54):
, that if people think you're onthe edge of taking your life,
they come and arrest you andlock you up and put you in a
straight jacket.
So my, my concern was gettingarrested and locked up.
At 2 o'clock in the morning,police turning up at your door
with a white jacket, and shesaid no, it's completely
(10:14):
confidential.
I said, well, the fact thatI've called you, dialed you and
spoken to you and opened my mindup is enough.
That's enough for me.
I've just realized what I'vedone and I realize I'm going
against all my principles and Isaid really, I'm okay, you know
(10:38):
I'm fine.
And I hung up and she calledback and she said we don't
normally do this because it'sinvading your privacy, but I
need to know you're okay and Isaid I'm absolutely fine.
I just needed to do that and Ireconnected with natural sounds.
I went over to the beach threeo'clock in the morning, sat on
(11:01):
the sand and cried my eyes outand listened to the ocean in the
morning, sat on the sand andcried my eyes out and listened
to the ocean and I thought whydid you need to do that?
You know the answer with thingslike this if a tree becomes ill
, it attracts a disease or itattracts an infestation of
(11:23):
insects, but it wards it off, itfights it off, and I thought
I've got to find my way oftrying to fight that off.
You know, omit my own pesticideor herbicide that needs to be
done.
So that clock is the worstthing you can confront, that
(11:46):
ticking clock, because sixmonths becomes nine months and
then a year goes by and youthink well, I started taking
pictures of myself and I starteddoing little videos so that
when you do go, you've leftsomething for people to listen
to.
And I wrote a lot of notes and Ihave a journal which is too
(12:09):
long and dealing with peoplelooking at you and showing the
surprise in their face is it'skind of hard, because when you
haven't seen someone for a longtime, you think what they're
gonna, how they're gonna reactto, to how they perceive you.
(12:32):
You know, and up to now it'sbeen okay unless there's been a
lot of lying bastards aroundI've been okay with it.
But you know, you deteriorate.
You know, like three years agoI can't do what I did.
I used to love riding my bikeup and down, keeping a fitness.
(12:53):
I used to walk five miles a daywhere now I do two and a half
miles a day.
I haven't walked a beach forprobably three, four months
because I can't navigate thesand.
It's just too much for me.
So the ticking clock issomething where you know when I
(13:15):
talk to you and you say you'reapproaching 50, I think fuck off
.
Amanda Hill (13:20):
How's that?
Martyn Stewart (13:20):
possible Yet 20 years ago to think you were
going to be 30 years older thanthat?
It's hard to comprehend.
I can look back now at threeyears and go.
Three years that means three orfive years.
So now I'm standing in thequeue waiting to get through the
(13:43):
door to see what's going tohappen to me.
It's weird.
Amanda Hill (13:48):
Tell me what's the.
Give me some of the like.
The hard part in terms of itwent from prostate to bone.
Tell me where you are on yourcancer journey.
Just the fundamental part of it.
Martyn Stewart (14:03):
It went to my bones.
It went to my left hip.
There was a tumour thatappeared there and then the
fragmentation of the bone.
My bones were getting weak, thelack of energy, the fragility
(14:24):
of your skeleton, basically, andhaving to deal with various
chemicals in your body andtrying to deal with the pain.
I've always had a high painthreshold.
I've always been able to sufferpain a lot more than a lot of
(14:47):
other people.
I don't know what that is, Ijust think we just get on with
it.
And I think I've seen I had.
My daughter went through opiateaddiction, so I was very
conscious about popping pills,so I didn't want that experience
(15:08):
.
I hate not being able to thinkstraight.
I can't stand anything thatimpairs my way of thinking.
But chemicals do that and Iunderstand that every time you
have chemo it's like some alienjust invading your body and just
trying to control you.
It's, um, those are difficultto navigate.
(15:28):
That's.
That's pretty hard.
But I said the other day to, orthe other month to the one of
the doctors I said I'm standingin three years, um, where do you
think I am?
And he said well, once itstarts going into your organs,
that's normally when thingsstart to deteriorate.
So I had it in my liver, whichI just got the all clear for,
(15:54):
got it in my lung.
I had it in my in my head.
Um, I have another one now atthe front.
Yeah, I had it in my right knee.
I had a hairline cracker alongthe back of my hip.
Just happens, you know, and youyou're having calcifiers,
you're keeping all types ofthings to keep.
(16:16):
The medical world is amazing,but I think the power of mind is
greater.
I am today is because I allowcertain endorphins and dopamine
and stuff to take over my bodyin positive ways than I do with
some injection.
Amanda Hill (16:35):
Yeah.
Martyn Stewart (16:36):
And I think that's important and the work I
do is a stimulant.
It's no end of joy to be ableto sit cramped in a chair
hurting your fucking backlistening to shit you've done,
you know recording but it but it.
It's pleasing.
(16:56):
I mean stuff like today talkingto shireen.
It has a, has a positive effecton me.
There's, it's, it's that hopedrug, you know I've got
something when we went to, whenwe went to abbey road.
The boost from that and seeingwhat we've achieved in such a
(17:21):
short time I I know, I knowsometimes it feels like eternal,
but what we've achieved andwhen you stand back and you you
suck all that in, that's likehaving a shot of philip.
Amanda Hill (17:34):
You know, it's just how do you think, how do you
feel it's changed your approachto, to living?
Because you've always.
The thing that's so interestingwith you is is that you've
always been somebody who has ledsuch an incredibly rich and
adventured and you know outdoorlife, and so many people, when
(17:57):
they find out that there's theyhave some sickness, suddenly
lament all the things theyhaven't done and all the things
they'd like to do.
But you've always done thesethings.
You've always been out in thewild, exploring, living, just
living.
How was, how was the term, thediagnosis of change, your
approach to how you are leading,how you're living in the
(18:18):
present?
Martyn Stewart (18:19):
I think I've always appreciated things, just
just the smallest things.
I've always appreciated itwhether someone makes you a cup
of tea, you're taking your timeto do something like that and
waking up in the morning.
I love waking up in the morning.
I love the differences that theday brings and the, the
(18:40):
delivery of things which a lotof people just take for granted
and we charge ourselves everyday to go and achieve something.
And yet when you stand back andthe saying smell the roses.
If people did that more oftenand valued what they already
have and what is there which isfree.
You don't have to have thisracing mentality and I think
(19:04):
being able to experience thedaylight and the night is
something that's worth strivingfor.
I love life.
That question that Archie saidat Abbey Road what will you miss
the most?
That's the craziest thing.
(19:25):
I miss everything.
I never take anything forgranted, nothing.
If my pen works, you know if itruns out of ink I don't scream
and throw it across the room andsay what, what the fuck is life
doing to me?
I think the the ability to beable to see things and and
others, and love and have peaceis.
(19:47):
I've learned that.
Over my lifetime, though, I'vegot such a negative family that
I think why don't you justunleash the shackles?
Why don't you let them go?
You know, just walk, go and dosomething, enjoy it.
Stop living back in the past.
If you want to go back in thepast, look at the joyful
(20:10):
memories.
Look at the wonderful thingsthat you've been able to do that
many other people haven't beenable to do.
Look at the news, for christ'ssake.
Look at people suffering acrossthe world and tell me that your
situation is worse than them.
Look in the mirror every nightand say thank you so much for
(20:31):
giving me today.
I love that, I love that andthat lesson's free.
You haven't got to go andwithdraw money in a bank account
to go and get that.
Amanda Hill (20:43):
It's just there.
Do you think about death?
Martyn Stewart (20:46):
In a horrible way.
I do Because I don't believe inGod, I don't believe that
there's another world afterwards.
I don't believe that there'ssomething there after me.
So death is the end.
I think you live on throughother people.
You know the memories that youcan have a conversation about.
(21:06):
You know old Jack down the road.
You know he was 96.
You know he used to fight inthe war and he did that and the
other and his wife and him weretogether for 40-odd years.
All that's gone, you know, justends.
So I cling on to the life ofevery day.
So I have these dreams now andagain that there's these white
(21:29):
faces in masks that are pullingme into a hole.
And those dreams come, probablyonce a month or something.
Sometimes they were comingthree times a week.
So I am petrified of dying.
I don't want to die.
You've been invited to thisamazing party.
You get out of your nappies.
(21:49):
You stop shitting through everyorifice in your body.
You get to a point where you canwalk yourself and you don't
have to depend on other people.
You become self-sufficient andlife becomes beautiful.
I've not got one bad memorythat floods me and makes me
think I don't want to talk aboutthat.
(22:10):
I'll talk about everything andmake a joke about it, and I
think that's how life should be.
My brother, alan, was asnegative as they come and he was
encapsulated in negativity.
He just couldn't see.
He would see the beauty, but hewould try to find something
negative about it.
(22:31):
I think how can you live likethat?
There's so much talent in yourbrain, in your body, in your
bones, so much to live for.
You've got to bring this shitbaggage from your past into your
present and then upset therhythm of your life.
And once you're gone, you'regone Until someone tells me
(22:55):
something different.
There's this bonus at the endof life I'm frightened of dying.
I don't want to die.
I don't think I'm frightened ofdying.
Now, let me put that right.
I think I've got used to die.
I don't think I'm frightened ofdying.
No, let me put that right.
I think I've got used to theidea of dying.
I don't want to die.
That's it.
I don't want to like.
I don't want to go to a partywith some person who's going to
(23:17):
bore the shit out of you.
You're stuck in the kitchen,you don't want to do that and I
look at death that way because Ithink there's something about
the um, because death is justnot something we talk about.
Amanda Hill (23:31):
People don't talk about death and I'll just write
this essay at school recentlywhere death arrived five minutes
early.
It was such a brilliant pieceof writing that the whole essay
was about death arriving fiveminutes early and it really made
me think about you know, youlive so much of your adult life
(23:54):
thinking that you're immortal.
You don't conceive of the notionof there being an end to this
mortal existence it's a reallygood thing, and maybe it's only
been in the last five yearswhere I've started to feel that
sense of mortality, notnecessarily for myself, because
I think I'm still invincible,but really because of the fact
(24:14):
that you start to realize you'renot strong as you used to be,
the people around you gettingolder, and I think it's.
I think it's really interestingthat the one thing that all of
us are going to end up having todo is the one thing that none
of us ever want to talk about.
There are lots of my friendswho've gone through a relative
dying, but nothing was prepared.
(24:36):
No, you're not prepared for it,but even not just kind of even
on the emotional lack ofpreparedness, but even on the
where have you put all yourdocuments?
How do I know how to help lookafter everything that you wanted
me to look after for you onceyou're not here?
So I've now started to becomeobsessed with making sure that
my life is tidy and thateverything is in order, and not
(24:57):
because I'm focused on dying,but because I'm focused on, but
that's you, though, you're justorganised.
Martyn Stewart (25:05):
I don't think you'd leave anything untied.
When it came to your time, Ithink everything would be in
order and straight in nice pilesand notes with everything.
Amanda Hill (25:17):
But this might sound crazy, martin which is
you're the first person in mylife that's ever been unwell,
first person in my life that'sever been unwell, and you're the
first time in my life that I'vehad to confront something that
is so painful to me, and I'venever been through that with
anybody and and so I'm almostI'm learning so much from you
(25:41):
about how you're handlingeverything and I see the way
that I might have a headache.
I don't know, I can't tellmartin, I've got a headache but
it's subjective, but we go to.
When we went to abbey road,everyone was exhausted because
it's working all day.
It's kind of engaging withstuff all day, but you're still
there.
I literally had to kick you outthat one day because I could
(26:03):
see you falling over like you'rethe last person to complain.
You're the last person still atthe party, you're the first
person to get there.
You're still.
In spite of everything, martin,you're still just like making
everyone who's got this healthydiagnosis look a bit pathetic,
and the fact that you'reprepared to talk about something
(26:25):
that for so many other peoplebe taboo I'm learning from.
I'm learning from you about howto be graceful in in a
situation that is so painful.
But you're still graceful,martin, and quite rock and roll
about it but it's, it's a.
Martyn Stewart (26:44):
I think living is a privilege.
Amanda Hill (26:47):
Living is a privilege.
Martyn Stewart (26:47):
I think it's something we all have, but we
don't see it.
I've said to you before that myreason for being here, or the
rent I have to pay, is forexactly that.
I don't have a given right todo anything.
My, my mentality is isdifferent.
(27:11):
I don't have a right to be ableto have a nice easy pathway to
something and and.
I and I like that.
I like the fact that there areroad bumps and I like different
curves in the street.
And when you get to aT-junction, if you go the wrong
(27:31):
way, you know you can alwaysturn around and go back again.
And I think if you adopt thatattitude, there are people I
feed off to, including you, ofthat positive energy.
And when you harvest that, it'salmost like plugging in a Tesla
(27:53):
, if you like, and saying, okay,I'm charging my batteries off.
I find being around negativepeople draws out your kind of
energy, just fucks you up.
So I try to avoid that.
But at the same time, I feellike it's a duty to be able to
tell them that it's not that bad.
(28:15):
It's not that bad, but yourenergy has done a lot for me.
In the couple of years thatwe've been doing this has done a
lot for me.
In the couple of years thatwe've been doing this, I've got
to know you as a person farbetter than I knew you as a kid
practical jokes, messing around,laughing, doing all kinds of
(28:36):
stuff, monitoring what I wasdrinking, how many fags I was
smoking in the back garden, allof that.
And I've got to know thisbeautiful young lady now who is
just from tip, smoking in theback garden, all of that.
And I've got to know thisbeautiful young lady now who is
just from tip to toe, just awonderful human being and things
like that about living day today.
It's there in front of us ifyou want it.
Amanda Hill (29:00):
Do you feel that we went to see Hamilton the
musical, and Indy must have been, let's say, 14.
And she starts crying andcrying and crying when you get
to the song where he says why doyou write like you're running
out of time?
And she's crying in the theatre, she's like Mum.
I know why he writes like he'srunning out of time and indeed,
(29:23):
the entire audience knows why hewrites like he's running out of
time.
Indeed, the entire audienceknows why he writes like he's
running out of time.
Everybody knows the end to thisstory and there have been times
when we've been workingtogether and I've been with
India, and I've cried like thatbecause I felt like I'm running
out of time for you and I can'twork hard enough and I can't
work fast enough and I can't getenough done.
(29:43):
I can't get enough done, and doyou feel an urgency about any of
the things that you still feellike you want to do and I'd love
to understand, like, what's,what's the kind of the urgency
in your like soul or the fire inyour belly?
That's like I have to do this.
I have to.
There are a few things I'vestill got to get done, and these
(30:06):
are those one of the biggestthings that drives me is not
letting you down but we could beworking each other too hard
because you're very trying notto let each other down.
Martyn Stewart (30:15):
You keep stoking the fire.
I don't want to let you down,but I don't want to let you down
and I don't want to let myselfdown.
I don't want to let what areand I don't want to let myself
down.
Amanda Hill (30:26):
I don't want to let myself what are the things that
you feel most excited about,most excited to, because I don't
agree with you, by the way,about that.
This is the end.
Martyn Stewart (30:39):
I believe it's the physical end maybe I'll be
the fertilizer for a plantsomewhere but there's.
Amanda Hill (30:46):
there's something about you know, when you talk
about the fact that living is aprivilege and we don't have a
free ride.
I believe that we live on bythe acts and the deeds that we
do, by the what we bring backand I talk to my kids about this
all the where you have a dutyand obligation to give back to
this world and this beautifulplanet we are able to inhabit.
(31:10):
And I feel that we do live onin those things and I think the
work that you've done lives onin so many people's hearts and
minds and will drive so manypeople.
You will have shaped so manypeople's lives, martin, and I
think it's not the sametraditional, physical mortal
coil, but we do live on.
Martyn Stewart (31:30):
I think we live on through others.
Amanda Hill (31:33):
We live on through others.
Martyn Stewart (31:35):
I think we do, I think.
Amanda Hill (31:38):
We live on through the ideas that you've planted
into the universe right, Withoutquestion, you live on through
ideas.
Martyn Stewart (31:43):
I just believe in the present and I believe
that we make the best of what wehave and that's why it hurts me
so much to see so many peopledisregard beauty.
That that hurts, that's themost painful thing.
I think I have problems withthat.
I I have more problems withthat than my own health.
(32:06):
I have problems seeing howman's inhumanity to man, but
most of all to the planet, Ihate.
I hate it.
I hate that with vengeance.
I can't stand to see suffering.
I can't stand to see the animalworld suffering, can't stand to
(32:26):
see the abuse.
You know that's there.
That propelled me, thatempowered me to go and do what I
did.
I think if I can get thestrength back and stuff, I want
to continue to do that.
But I get more pain from seeingthe planet suffer than I do in
my own health and I don't wantTell me about.
(32:51):
I've told Becky this I don'twant a funeral, I don't want a
service, I don't want peoplestanding around crying and
listening to some of myfavourite music.
I don't want that.
Amanda Hill (33:02):
Okay, so what do you want?
Martyn Stewart (33:04):
I just want to.
You can't stuck in a plasticbag and thrown into a bin no,
you don't.
Amanda Hill (33:11):
You don't.
You want your ashes to go to.
You want your ashes to go toScotland.
I do.
Martyn Stewart (33:15):
I want that, but I don't.
I don't want a church serviceor a service, I just don't want
that but you have to find a wayto let people celebrate you
celebrate.
Celebrate like I'm alive yeahcelebrate, you know, have a
drink anytime you want, not at aparticular day and time, on a
sunday at 11 o'clock when hisbody's gonna be burnt to shit.
(33:39):
I don't want that, I don't.
You know, I went the earlystages, I I went to Spotify and
I got a funeral list and I'mpicking these songs and I'm
sharing it with Becky and I saiddelete, that would ya.
You know, I don't want that.
It it it, it it it it it it it,it, it, it, it, it it it it.
(34:01):
He's got the song, he's.
So he loved the song and heused to wear tartan trousers and
he fluffed his hair up and dyedit yellow and he did you know,
I don't want.
I want someone to be able to oneday in a kitchen say, oh, do
you remember him?
Oh yeah, that was cool, let'shave a drink, not a collection
(34:24):
of people feeling really sad.
I want people to wear yellow.
I want people to dye their hairyellow if they want to do that
and and get drunk and you know,do whatever it is.
I just don't want that it's.
It's all my, I know it's, butit's also negativity.
(34:44):
You've been able to make melive on a lot more in people's
minds than that would havehappened two years ago.
Amanda Hill (34:54):
But I think the biggest thing, the only thing
that makes me sad, the onlything that makes me sad is that
I wish we'd started this year oh, yeah, yeah and I I see how you
know you and I talk about whenwe first started doing this, how
I think people just thoughtyou're bonkers, like what are
(35:16):
they doing and why?
Martyn Stewart (35:18):
are they doing?
Amanda Hill (35:19):
it and talk about kissing frogs.
It's more like that chickennicking that goes around saying,
hey, do you want to make bread?
And everyone says, do you wantto make bread?
And everyone says, I don't wantto make bread with you, but I
want to eat the bread.
And now you suddenly see thatpeople are finally really
getting what we were trying todo.
And how do you give nature avoice in every means possible?
(35:41):
And I'm seeing this tiny flamethat we started a couple of
years ago just becoming like sobright now on people's minds.
And I've never felt so.
I mean, I'm breathless withexcitement and how I feel when I
wake up in the morning.
And that's my only, that's myonly sadness, martin is.
(36:02):
But you know I also, even withyour illness, I have to come to
terms with the fact that wemight not have started this
without you getting out and I'vethought that many times but
maybe what I mean by maybe, whatI mean by the imminence of
death is so many things that youthink you can delay.
(36:24):
You realise you can't delay andI'm trying to work out the
learnings that I'm taking fromthis in terms of if you hadn't
have been sick, you'd still beout in the field all the time,
martin.
You wouldn't have had the timeto do any of this, you certainly
wouldn't have had theinclination to.
I would still be.
Martyn Stewart (36:41):
I'd still be travelling, you'd still be
travelling.
That's something I miss rightnow is the ability to get out,
and do you know the?
yeah last week I wanted to go upto okinoki swamp and stick a
couple of boxes up there,because the the birds are flying
north now from their winteringgrounds and there's a lot of
(37:02):
warblers and a lot of groundbirds and a lot of birds of prey
that go through the swamp areaand there's some fantastic
sounds and as winter comes intospring there's a change in the
sound signature and I justcouldn't do it, you know, and
I'm thinking to myself nowshould I go tomorrow?
(37:24):
If I go tomorrow, it's afour-hour drive.
I've got treatment on Friday.
Am I going to be right forFriday?
Well, should I go Saturday?
Then Then I can do it untilTuesday.
Those are the handicaps that I'mfacing.
I can't say to myself I want todo this, that and the other now
(37:46):
, because then I'll startoverlooking all the other things
.
So I like to take it one day ata time and just enjoy what I
have.
If I start thinking I'd like togo there, I'd like to go there,
I'm going to start gettingdisappointed.
I just want to live.
You've just experienced anotherjourney on the listening planet
(38:15):
podcast.
Dive deeper into the world ofnatural sounds by connecting
with us online.
Visit our website or follow uson social media.
Let the symphony of naturesurround you wherever you go.
Happy listening.
This is Martin Stewart, with a life in sound
from the Listening Planet.
Amanda Hill (00:15):
I want to talk about illness.
I want to talk about what itmeans to face death, and go with
me on this for a minute interms of I was thinking about it
in the car this morning after Idropped off Aldous and all of
us eventually are going to facedeath, but there's something
about being given a terminaldiagnosis that makes you live
(00:38):
differently.
I think, and a couple of myfriends their fathers have
passed away and the three of uswere talking one day about the
fact that we'd never had aconversation with our family,
with our parents, with ourfriends, about what it means to
confront death and what thatmeans for living.
(00:59):
And you're somebody, Martyn,for me, who lives and you live
so vibrantly for me who livesand you live so vibrantly.
And even since the diagnosis,there's not a single day you're
still not picking yourself upand getting on these Zoom calls
and doing all the stuff thatwe're trying to do, and so I'd
really like you, to start with,I want us to be really candid.
(01:22):
I want us to have aconversation that people won't
have about illness, because Ithink it matters to so many
people who are afraid to talkabout it.
So maybe we could start withthe first time the dreaded
cancer kind of entered your life.
It was a long time ago, right?
Martyn Stewart (01:40):
It started in 1994 in Scotland when I was
having problems in the oldurinary box area and then I was
diagnosed with prostate cancer.
So the easiest thing is to falldown this cliff and start
(02:01):
having a pity party and feelingsorry for yourself.
Down this cliff and starthaving a pity party and feeling
sorry for yourself, and it's.
It's that kind of thing whereyou know why me.
And then when, once you getpast that and you say well, why
not me?
You know why someone else showthe fight and spirit inside you
and and defeat anything you can.
(02:22):
My mum used to say she neverused to say many inspiring
things in my life, but she usedto say that, um, there's no such
thing as can't and I.
I used to think well, it's inthe dictionary and I've heard
people say it in school, so itis a word, and then you start to
(02:42):
understand it's a cop-out.
You know I can't do that or Ican't do this, I'll put it off
and I'll do this, that and theother Things like that becomes.
When I defeated that inScotland, it took a couple of
years to be clean.
When I approached it again, Iknew something was going on.
Amanda Hill (03:05):
So tell me, how old were you the first time that
you were diagnosed with cancer?
Martyn Stewart (03:08):
First, time was 1994, so do the math I'm 68 now.
I was 40.
Amanda Hill (03:21):
Yeah.
Martyn Stewart (03:22):
I was about 40.
Yeah, it's about 40.
So 40 years of age and thenbeing told by a doctor that you
know it's not an old man'sdisease, because I used to think
prostate, you get to 70 and youbollocks are dropping off.
You know, you think you smellof piss and you get all those
(03:42):
imagery.
You know, I'm not part of thatdepartment.
Amanda Hill (03:47):
I'm afraid.
Martyn Stewart (03:48):
I can't have that.
But I understood it and Ithought well, I've got a young
girl, she she was 12 at the time.
I thought I want to see hergrow up and I want to enjoy my
life.
And there's nothing reallywritten in front of me that says
(04:10):
that's going to prevent me fromdoing it, unless I get slammed
over by a boss or a truck.
Yeah, I knew what how tonavigate it.
I thought, because of myupbringing, I thought you just
got to get on with it you'reliving in a council estate and
you have to confront all kindsof things that just come at you
(04:34):
and it well, okay, this isanother way of navigating
through life, but I did have thepity parties as well.
I think you need to have those.
You need to get that sorrinessaway from you.
There was a time when I wasdriving down the a9 and I saw a
car approaching and I was sayingwhat if I just turn the wheel
in front of this car and then alittle voice on my shoulders
(04:57):
going you pathetic piece of shit, you know what a coward way out
and you're going to take awaysomeone's family?
So it was confronting all thesedemons.
So when I had it in 2019, I knewsomething was happening.
And then they diagnosed me andI thought, well, all right, I've
(05:18):
had it before, I know how toget through it, I'll just do it.
No, you know, and I did it.
I beat it, you know.
I got to the December and Iknocked the numbers down, but
then whoever it is that createdthis crap decided he was going
(05:39):
to throw a curveball and saywell, you know, you've done that
, here's your next test.
Test you've got bone cancer andthis is terminally ill.
Um, and I?
I had some major problemsbecause, as you say, when
someone tells you terminally illthat there's a, a clock starts
(06:03):
ticking.
Amanda Hill (06:04):
The clock doesn't tick the other way so when you
got cancer the second time, thatwas prostate prostate prostate,
yeah, prostate cancer and thatwas not the terminal diagnosis.
It was the bone.
Martyn Stewart (06:16):
No, no metastasized into my bones okay
and it.
It's one of those things whereit's the look of the draw.
It just happens.
I didn't know what it meant.
I had no idea.
When some doctor's telling youthe prognosis about stuff and
you think, well, okay, you're ina white coat, you're telling me
a bunch of shite, what are yougoing to do for me?
(06:37):
And then you quickly realizewhat terminal cancer means.
Then you've got two battles.
You have two fronts really.
You're trying to beat One.
Are you going to accept it?
Two, how do you become positive?
(07:02):
Through this?
Again You've been positivethrough something.
The word cancer is horrible andyou find that when you have
cancer, people don't know how tosay the word.
Amanda Hill (07:16):
Yeah.
Martyn Stewart (07:16):
And they stay off it and I introduce the word
to people and say, you know,make fun about it.
When we steppeddad had it, Iused to make jokes at him and
the family would stand aroundthe hospital bed going, oh my
God, you know you can't keepsaying that.
I remember it was his birthdayand I bought him something.
(07:38):
I said I didn't bother spendingthe extra money on the
guarantee, you know.
But he laughed about it and Ithought, well, he's seen
something funny from there,instead of everybody being
morbid and you know, taboo, youcan't say these things and I
always just change the rules.
I think, fuck it, but I do thatto myself.
Amanda Hill (08:01):
But tell me, how did you feel?
So when you found out so thatwas 2020, when you found out so
that was 2020 when you found outthat you had bone cancer, is
that?
Martyn Stewart (08:09):
right 2020.
Amanda Hill (08:10):
Yeah, 2020, december, the 30th 2020, some of
the 30th 2020 and god, I've gotso many questions for you, but
first question is um how, whenyou're told something, how long
do they tell you?
What does terminal mean in thatinstance?
Martyn Stewart (08:29):
yeah, what does terminal?
When does the boss come?
When does it pick you up?
Well, they said, based onstatistics and other people's
prognosis, you've got three tofive years to live.
And then all kinds of things gothrough your head.
What are you going to do inthree years?
(08:51):
What if it's five years?
What if they're wrong?
What if they do seven years?
And the first thing you do isyou do research on it and try to
understand what you have.
And once you understand, thenyou know what armory to take
into battle to fight it yeah butwhere I say you have to go
(09:11):
through that pity party.
I I've said this before.
I was laying in bed one o'clockin the morning feeling really
sorry for myself, and I camedownstairs and I grabbed my
phone and I called the suicideline.
I was really on that edge, youknow the precipice of whatever
(09:33):
was there to greet me.
And I remember talking to thisreally lovely lady and I said
I'm sorry to disturb you.
She's saying no, it's okay, you, you're not disturbed, that's
what we're here for.
And I was worried about there'sa thing called a baker act here
(09:54):
, that if people think you're onthe edge of taking your life,
they come and arrest you andlock you up and put you in a
straight jacket.
So my, my concern was gettingarrested and locked up.
At 2 o'clock in the morning,police turning up at your door
with a white jacket, and shesaid no, it's completely
(10:14):
confidential.
I said, well, the fact thatI've called you, dialed you and
spoken to you and opened my mindup is enough.
That's enough for me.
I've just realized what I'vedone and I realize I'm going
against all my principles and Isaid really, I'm okay, you know
(10:38):
I'm fine.
And I hung up and she calledback and she said we don't
normally do this because it'sinvading your privacy, but I
need to know you're okay and Isaid I'm absolutely fine.
I just needed to do that and Ireconnected with natural sounds.
I went over to the beach threeo'clock in the morning, sat on
(11:01):
the sand and cried my eyes outand listened to the ocean in the
morning, sat on the sand andcried my eyes out and listened
to the ocean and I thought whydid you need to do that?
You know the answer with thingslike this if a tree becomes ill
, it attracts a disease or itattracts an infestation of
(11:23):
insects, but it wards it off, itfights it off, and I thought
I've got to find my way oftrying to fight that off.
You know, omit my own pesticideor herbicide that needs to be
done.
So that clock is the worstthing you can confront, that
(11:46):
ticking clock, because sixmonths becomes nine months and
then a year goes by and youthink well, I started taking
pictures of myself and I starteddoing little videos so that
when you do go, you've leftsomething for people to listen
to.
And I wrote a lot of notes and Ihave a journal which is too
(12:09):
long and dealing with peoplelooking at you and showing the
surprise in their face is it'skind of hard, because when you
haven't seen someone for a longtime, you think what they're
gonna, how they're gonna reactto, to how they perceive you.
(12:32):
You know, and up to now it'sbeen okay unless there's been a
lot of lying bastards aroundI've been okay with it.
But you know, you deteriorate.
You know, like three years agoI can't do what I did.
I used to love riding my bikeup and down, keeping a fitness.
(12:53):
I used to walk five miles a daywhere now I do two and a half
miles a day.
I haven't walked a beach forprobably three, four months
because I can't navigate thesand.
It's just too much for me.
So the ticking clock issomething where you know when I
(13:15):
talk to you and you say you'reapproaching 50, I think fuck off
.
Amanda Hill (13:20):
How's that?
Martyn Stewart (13:20):
possible Yet 20 years ago to think you were
going to be 30 years older thanthat?
It's hard to comprehend.
I can look back now at threeyears and go.
Three years that means three orfive years.
So now I'm standing in thequeue waiting to get through the
(13:43):
door to see what's going tohappen to me.
It's weird.
Amanda Hill (13:48):
Tell me what's the.
Give me some of the like.
The hard part in terms of itwent from prostate to bone.
Tell me where you are on yourcancer journey.
Just the fundamental part of it.
Martyn Stewart (14:03):
It went to my bones.
It went to my left hip.
There was a tumour thatappeared there and then the
fragmentation of the bone.
My bones were getting weak, thelack of energy, the fragility
(14:24):
of your skeleton, basically, andhaving to deal with various
chemicals in your body andtrying to deal with the pain.
I've always had a high painthreshold.
I've always been able to sufferpain a lot more than a lot of
(14:47):
other people.
I don't know what that is, Ijust think we just get on with
it.
And I think I've seen I had.
My daughter went through opiateaddiction, so I was very
conscious about popping pills,so I didn't want that experience
(15:08):
.
I hate not being able to thinkstraight.
I can't stand anything thatimpairs my way of thinking.
But chemicals do that and Iunderstand that every time you
have chemo it's like some alienjust invading your body and just
trying to control you.
It's, um, those are difficultto navigate.
(15:28):
That's.
That's pretty hard.
But I said the other day to, orthe other month to the one of
the doctors I said I'm standingin three years, um, where do you
think I am?
And he said well, once itstarts going into your organs,
that's normally when thingsstart to deteriorate.
So I had it in my liver, whichI just got the all clear for,
(15:54):
got it in my lung.
I had it in my in my head.
Um, I have another one now atthe front.
Yeah, I had it in my right knee.
I had a hairline cracker alongthe back of my hip.
Just happens, you know, and youyou're having calcifiers,
you're keeping all types ofthings to keep.
(16:16):
The medical world is amazing,but I think the power of mind is
greater.
I am today is because I allowcertain endorphins and dopamine
and stuff to take over my bodyin positive ways than I do with
some injection.
Amanda Hill (16:35):
Yeah.
Martyn Stewart (16:36):
And I think that's important and the work I
do is a stimulant.
It's no end of joy to be ableto sit cramped in a chair
hurting your fucking backlistening to shit you've done,
you know recording but it but it.
It's pleasing.
(16:56):
I mean stuff like today talkingto shireen.
It has a, has a positive effecton me.
There's, it's, it's that hopedrug, you know I've got
something when we went to, whenwe went to abbey road.
The boost from that and seeingwhat we've achieved in such a
(17:21):
short time I I know, I knowsometimes it feels like eternal,
but what we've achieved andwhen you stand back and you you
suck all that in, that's likehaving a shot of philip.
Amanda Hill (17:34):
You know, it's just how do you think, how do you
feel it's changed your approachto, to living?
Because you've always.
The thing that's so interestingwith you is is that you've
always been somebody who has ledsuch an incredibly rich and
adventured and you know outdoorlife, and so many people, when
(17:57):
they find out that there's theyhave some sickness, suddenly
lament all the things theyhaven't done and all the things
they'd like to do.
But you've always done thesethings.
You've always been out in thewild, exploring, living, just
living.
How was, how was the term, thediagnosis of change, your
approach to how you are leading,how you're living in the
(18:18):
present?
Martyn Stewart (18:19):
I think I've always appreciated things, just
just the smallest things.
I've always appreciated itwhether someone makes you a cup
of tea, you're taking your timeto do something like that and
waking up in the morning.
I love waking up in the morning.
I love the differences that theday brings and the, the
(18:40):
delivery of things which a lotof people just take for granted
and we charge ourselves everyday to go and achieve something.
And yet when you stand back andthe saying smell the roses.
If people did that more oftenand valued what they already
have and what is there which isfree.
You don't have to have thisracing mentality and I think
(19:04):
being able to experience thedaylight and the night is
something that's worth strivingfor.
I love life.
That question that Archie saidat Abbey Road what will you miss
the most?
That's the craziest thing.
(19:25):
I miss everything.
I never take anything forgranted, nothing.
If my pen works, you know if itruns out of ink I don't scream
and throw it across the room andsay what, what the fuck is life
doing to me?
I think the the ability to beable to see things and and
others, and love and have peaceis.
(19:47):
I've learned that.
Over my lifetime, though, I'vegot such a negative family that
I think why don't you justunleash the shackles?
Why don't you let them go?
You know, just walk, go and dosomething, enjoy it.
Stop living back in the past.
If you want to go back in thepast, look at the joyful
(20:10):
memories.
Look at the wonderful thingsthat you've been able to do that
many other people haven't beenable to do.
Look at the news, for christ'ssake.
Look at people suffering acrossthe world and tell me that your
situation is worse than them.
Look in the mirror every nightand say thank you so much for
(20:31):
giving me today.
I love that, I love that andthat lesson's free.
You haven't got to go andwithdraw money in a bank account
to go and get that.
Amanda Hill (20:43):
It's just there.
Do you think about death?
Martyn Stewart (20:46):
In a horrible way.
I do Because I don't believe inGod, I don't believe that
there's another world afterwards.
I don't believe that there'ssomething there after me.
So death is the end.
I think you live on throughother people.
You know the memories that youcan have a conversation about.
(21:06):
You know old Jack down the road.
You know he was 96.
You know he used to fight inthe war and he did that and the
other and his wife and him weretogether for 40-odd years.
All that's gone, you know, justends.
So I cling on to the life ofevery day.
So I have these dreams now andagain that there's these white
(21:29):
faces in masks that are pullingme into a hole.
And those dreams come, probablyonce a month or something.
Sometimes they were comingthree times a week.
So I am petrified of dying.
I don't want to die.
You've been invited to thisamazing party.
You get out of your nappies.
(21:49):
You stop shitting through everyorifice in your body.
You get to a point where you canwalk yourself and you don't
have to depend on other people.
You become self-sufficient andlife becomes beautiful.
I've not got one bad memorythat floods me and makes me
think I don't want to talk aboutthat.
(22:10):
I'll talk about everything andmake a joke about it, and I
think that's how life should be.
My brother, alan, was asnegative as they come and he was
encapsulated in negativity.
He just couldn't see.
He would see the beauty, but hewould try to find something
negative about it.
(22:31):
I think how can you live likethat?
There's so much talent in yourbrain, in your body, in your
bones, so much to live for.
You've got to bring this shitbaggage from your past into your
present and then upset therhythm of your life.
And once you're gone, you'regone Until someone tells me
(22:55):
something different.
There's this bonus at the endof life I'm frightened of dying.
I don't want to die.
I don't think I'm frightened ofdying.
Now, let me put that right.
I think I've got used to die.
I don't think I'm frightened ofdying.
No, let me put that right.
I think I've got used to theidea of dying.
I don't want to die.
That's it.
I don't want to like.
I don't want to go to a partywith some person who's going to
(23:17):
bore the shit out of you.
You're stuck in the kitchen,you don't want to do that and I
look at death that way because Ithink there's something about
the um, because death is justnot something we talk about.
Amanda Hill (23:31):
People don't talk about death and I'll just write
this essay at school recentlywhere death arrived five minutes
early.
It was such a brilliant pieceof writing that the whole essay
was about death arriving fiveminutes early and it really made
me think about you know, youlive so much of your adult life
(23:54):
thinking that you're immortal.
You don't conceive of the notionof there being an end to this
mortal existence it's a reallygood thing, and maybe it's only
been in the last five yearswhere I've started to feel that
sense of mortality, notnecessarily for myself, because
I think I'm still invincible,but really because of the fact
(24:14):
that you start to realize you'renot strong as you used to be,
the people around you gettingolder, and I think it's.
I think it's really interestingthat the one thing that all of
us are going to end up having todo is the one thing that none
of us ever want to talk about.
There are lots of my friendswho've gone through a relative
dying, but nothing was prepared.
(24:36):
No, you're not prepared for it,but even not just kind of even
on the emotional lack ofpreparedness, but even on the
where have you put all yourdocuments?
How do I know how to help lookafter everything that you wanted
me to look after for you onceyou're not here?
So I've now started to becomeobsessed with making sure that
my life is tidy and thateverything is in order, and not
(24:57):
because I'm focused on dying,but because I'm focused on, but
that's you, though, you're justorganised.
Martyn Stewart (25:05):
I don't think you'd leave anything untied.
When it came to your time, Ithink everything would be in
order and straight in nice pilesand notes with everything.
Amanda Hill (25:17):
But this might sound crazy, martin which is
you're the first person in mylife that's ever been unwell,
first person in my life that'sever been unwell, and you're the
first time in my life that I'vehad to confront something that
is so painful to me, and I'venever been through that with
anybody and and so I'm almostI'm learning so much from you
(25:41):
about how you're handlingeverything and I see the way
that I might have a headache.
I don't know, I can't tellmartin, I've got a headache but
it's subjective, but we go to.
When we went to abbey road,everyone was exhausted because
it's working all day.
It's kind of engaging withstuff all day, but you're still
there.
I literally had to kick you outthat one day because I could
(26:03):
see you falling over like you'rethe last person to complain.
You're the last person still atthe party, you're the first
person to get there.
You're still.
In spite of everything, martin,you're still just like making
everyone who's got this healthydiagnosis look a bit pathetic,
and the fact that you'reprepared to talk about something
(26:25):
that for so many other peoplebe taboo I'm learning from.
I'm learning from you about howto be graceful in in a
situation that is so painful.
But you're still graceful,martin, and quite rock and roll
about it but it's, it's a.
Martyn Stewart (26:44):
I think living is a privilege.
Amanda Hill (26:47):
Living is a privilege.
Martyn Stewart (26:47):
I think it's something we all have, but we
don't see it.
I've said to you before that myreason for being here, or the
rent I have to pay, is forexactly that.
I don't have a given right todo anything.
My, my mentality is isdifferent.
(27:11):
I don't have a right to be ableto have a nice easy pathway to
something and and.
I and I like that.
I like the fact that there areroad bumps and I like different
curves in the street.
And when you get to aT-junction, if you go the wrong
(27:31):
way, you know you can alwaysturn around and go back again.
And I think if you adopt thatattitude, there are people I
feed off to, including you, ofthat positive energy.
And when you harvest that, it'salmost like plugging in a Tesla
(27:53):
, if you like, and saying, okay,I'm charging my batteries off.
I find being around negativepeople draws out your kind of
energy, just fucks you up.
So I try to avoid that.
But at the same time, I feellike it's a duty to be able to
tell them that it's not that bad.
(28:15):
It's not that bad, but yourenergy has done a lot for me.
In the couple of years thatwe've been doing this has done a
lot for me.
In the couple of years thatwe've been doing this, I've got
to know you as a person farbetter than I knew you as a kid
practical jokes, messing around,laughing, doing all kinds of
(28:36):
stuff, monitoring what I wasdrinking, how many fags I was
smoking in the back garden, allof that.
And I've got to know thisbeautiful young lady now who is
just from tip, smoking in theback garden, all of that.
And I've got to know thisbeautiful young lady now who is
just from tip to toe, just awonderful human being and things
like that about living day today.
It's there in front of us ifyou want it.
Amanda Hill (29:00):
Do you feel that we went to see Hamilton the
musical, and Indy must have been, let's say, 14.
And she starts crying andcrying and crying when you get
to the song where he says why doyou write like you're running
out of time?
And she's crying in the theatre, she's like Mum.
I know why he writes like he'srunning out of time and indeed,
(29:23):
the entire audience knows why hewrites like he's running out of
time.
Indeed, the entire audienceknows why he writes like he's
running out of time.
Everybody knows the end to thisstory and there have been times
when we've been workingtogether and I've been with
India, and I've cried like thatbecause I felt like I'm running
out of time for you and I can'twork hard enough and I can't
work fast enough and I can't getenough done.
(29:43):
I can't get enough done, and doyou feel an urgency about any of
the things that you still feellike you want to do and I'd love
to understand, like, what's,what's the kind of the urgency
in your like soul or the fire inyour belly?
That's like I have to do this.
I have to.
There are a few things I'vestill got to get done, and these
(30:06):
are those one of the biggestthings that drives me is not
letting you down but we could beworking each other too hard
because you're very trying notto let each other down.
Martyn Stewart (30:15):
You keep stoking the fire.
I don't want to let you down,but I don't want to let you down
and I don't want to let myselfdown.
I don't want to let what areand I don't want to let myself
down.
Amanda Hill (30:26):
I don't want to let myself what are the things that
you feel most excited about,most excited to, because I don't
agree with you, by the way,about that.
This is the end.
Martyn Stewart (30:39):
I believe it's the physical end maybe I'll be
the fertilizer for a plantsomewhere but there's.
Amanda Hill (30:46):
there's something about you know, when you talk
about the fact that living is aprivilege and we don't have a
free ride.
I believe that we live on bythe acts and the deeds that we
do, by the what we bring backand I talk to my kids about this
all the where you have a dutyand obligation to give back to
this world and this beautifulplanet we are able to inhabit.
(31:10):
And I feel that we do live onin those things and I think the
work that you've done lives onin so many people's hearts and
minds and will drive so manypeople.
You will have shaped so manypeople's lives, martin, and I
think it's not the sametraditional, physical mortal
coil, but we do live on.
Martyn Stewart (31:30):
I think we live on through others.
Amanda Hill (31:33):
We live on through others.
Martyn Stewart (31:35):
I think we do, I think.
Amanda Hill (31:38):
We live on through the ideas that you've planted
into the universe right, Withoutquestion, you live on through
ideas.
Martyn Stewart (31:43):
I just believe in the present and I believe
that we make the best of what wehave and that's why it hurts me
so much to see so many peopledisregard beauty.
That that hurts, that's themost painful thing.
I think I have problems withthat.
I I have more problems withthat than my own health.
(32:06):
I have problems seeing howman's inhumanity to man, but
most of all to the planet, Ihate.
I hate it.
I hate that with vengeance.
I can't stand to see suffering.
I can't stand to see the animalworld suffering, can't stand to
(32:26):
see the abuse.
You know that's there.
That propelled me, thatempowered me to go and do what I
did.
I think if I can get thestrength back and stuff, I want
to continue to do that.
But I get more pain from seeingthe planet suffer than I do in
my own health and I don't wantTell me about.
(32:51):
I've told Becky this I don'twant a funeral, I don't want a
service, I don't want peoplestanding around crying and
listening to some of myfavourite music.
I don't want that.
Amanda Hill (33:02):
Okay, so what do you want?
Martyn Stewart (33:04):
I just want to.
You can't stuck in a plasticbag and thrown into a bin no,
you don't.
Amanda Hill (33:11):
You don't.
You want your ashes to go to.
You want your ashes to go toScotland.
I do.
Martyn Stewart (33:15):
I want that, but I don't.
I don't want a church serviceor a service, I just don't want
that but you have to find a wayto let people celebrate you
celebrate.
Celebrate like I'm alive yeahcelebrate, you know, have a
drink anytime you want, not at aparticular day and time, on a
sunday at 11 o'clock when hisbody's gonna be burnt to shit.
(33:39):
I don't want that, I don't.
You know, I went the earlystages, I I went to Spotify and
I got a funeral list and I'mpicking these songs and I'm
sharing it with Becky and I saiddelete, that would ya.
You know, I don't want that.
It it it, it it it it it it it,it, it, it, it, it it it it.
(34:01):
He's got the song, he's.
So he loved the song and heused to wear tartan trousers and
he fluffed his hair up and dyedit yellow and he did you know,
I don't want.
I want someone to be able to oneday in a kitchen say, oh, do
you remember him?
Oh yeah, that was cool, let'shave a drink, not a collection
(34:24):
of people feeling really sad.
I want people to wear yellow.
I want people to dye their hairyellow if they want to do that
and and get drunk and you know,do whatever it is.
I just don't want that it's.
It's all my, I know it's, butit's also negativity.
(34:44):
You've been able to make melive on a lot more in people's
minds than that would havehappened two years ago.
Amanda Hill (34:54):
But I think the biggest thing, the only thing
that makes me sad, the onlything that makes me sad is that
I wish we'd started this year oh, yeah, yeah and I I see how you
know you and I talk about whenwe first started doing this, how
I think people just thoughtyou're bonkers, like what are
(35:16):
they doing and why?
Martyn Stewart (35:18):
are they doing?
Amanda Hill (35:19):
it and talk about kissing frogs.
It's more like that chickennicking that goes around saying,
hey, do you want to make bread?
And everyone says, do you wantto make bread?
And everyone says, I don't wantto make bread with you, but I
want to eat the bread.
And now you suddenly see thatpeople are finally really
getting what we were trying todo.
And how do you give nature avoice in every means possible?
(35:41):
And I'm seeing this tiny flamethat we started a couple of
years ago just becoming like sobright now on people's minds.
And I've never felt so.
I mean, I'm breathless withexcitement and how I feel when I
wake up in the morning.
And that's my only, that's myonly sadness, martin is.
(36:02):
But you know I also, even withyour illness, I have to come to
terms with the fact that wemight not have started this
without you getting out and I'vethought that many times but
maybe what I mean by maybe, whatI mean by the imminence of
death is so many things that youthink you can delay.
(36:24):
You realise you can't delay andI'm trying to work out the
learnings that I'm taking fromthis in terms of if you hadn't
have been sick, you'd still beout in the field all the time,
martin.
You wouldn't have had the timeto do any of this, you certainly
wouldn't have had theinclination to.
I would still be.
Martyn Stewart (36:41):
I'd still be travelling, you'd still be
travelling.
That's something I miss rightnow is the ability to get out,
and do you know the?
yeah last week I wanted to go upto okinoki swamp and stick a
couple of boxes up there,because the the birds are flying
north now from their winteringgrounds and there's a lot of
(37:02):
warblers and a lot of groundbirds and a lot of birds of prey
that go through the swamp areaand there's some fantastic
sounds and as winter comes intospring there's a change in the
sound signature and I justcouldn't do it, you know, and
I'm thinking to myself nowshould I go tomorrow?
(37:24):
If I go tomorrow, it's afour-hour drive.
I've got treatment on Friday.
Am I going to be right forFriday?
Well, should I go Saturday?
Then Then I can do it untilTuesday.
Those are the handicaps that I'mfacing.
I can't say to myself I want todo this, that and the other now
(37:46):
, because then I'll startoverlooking all the other things
.
So I like to take it one day ata time and just enjoy what I
have.
If I start thinking I'd like togo there, I'd like to go there,
I'm going to start gettingdisappointed.
I just want to live.
You've just experienced anotherjourney on the listening planet
(38:15):
podcast.
Dive deeper into the world ofnatural sounds by connecting
with us online.
Visit our website or follow uson social media.
Let the symphony of naturesurround you wherever you go.
Happy listening.
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