October 29, 2025 • 38 mins
Little Helpers, this is a new era for this community: This is my first episode as the solo host of "A Little Help For Our Friends." It's Dr. Kibby and we're saying goodbye to my beloved co-host, Jacqueline Trumbull as she moves on from this podcast. This will be a new phase focused on what made this community matter from day one: centering caregivers, loved ones, people-pleasers, and supporters who carry the unseen weight of mental illness and addiction.
I revisit the show’s roots in evidence-based tools and how it grew into something braver—real stories about dating, divorce, near-death experiences, and the messy work of healing. I cover ethical storytelling, protecting privacy, and navigating the fallout when personal narratives collide with public platforms, including (gasp!) a legal threat.
The heart of this episode explores identity and roles: how duos create chemistry and cages, how therapists are trained to be “non-persons,” and why an audience hungers for a human voice over a blank slate. I lay out where we’re headed next—deep dives into secure attachment, nervous system regulation, family dynamics, and communication that actually works—alongside a slate of guests from neuroscience, therapy, and creative fields. Expect practical skills, warmer storytelling, and more of the full person behind the mic, from Berlin chapters to yoga studios to the moments that don’t come packaged as lessons.
This show remains the official podcast of KulaMind, a community made for loved ones who want connection, skills, and a place to be seen. It's also the company I literally built from my bed while trying to beat cancer.
Little Helpers, this is your space- Share your stories, tell me when I'm wrong, and shape what comes next. Email me at kibby@kulamind.com.
If this podcast has helped you feel less alone—or if you’re just finding us now—subscribe, leave a five-star review, and pass the episode to a friend who needs a steady voice today. It's our time now.
- If you're navigating someone's mental health or emotional issues, join KulaMind, our community and support platform. In KulaMind, we'll help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and support your loved one.
- Follow @kulamind on Instagram for podcast updates and science-backed insights on staying sane while loving someone emotionally explosive.
- For more info about this podcast, check out: www.alittlehelpforourfriends.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Kibby McMahon (00:00):
Hi guys, welcome to A Little Help for Our
Friends, a podcast for peoplewith loved ones struggling with
mental health.
Hey, Little Helpers, it's Dr.
Kibby, and I have a hugeannouncement for you.
After several wonderful yearsof really meaningful
conversations, A Little Help forOur Friends is entering a new
chapter.
(00:20):
My co-host, JacquelineTrumbull, has decided to step
away from the podcast to focuson new directions.
So today is going to bedifferent.
It's my first solo episode.
I'm talking to myself in avoid, which is really weird.
And I'm going to talk about allthat we've built here, this
community, this podcast.
I'll give a little bit ofinsight on what it was behind
(00:44):
the scenes.
And then going to talk aboutthis next era of a little help
for our friends.
We're still going.
I'm going to take up the mantleand I'm going to try to do
Jaclyn Proud and take thisforward for all of you.
So this podcast has been areally special thing for both me
and Jacqueline and a lot of youwho have been so nice telling
(01:06):
us that you're listening,telling us how you've helped us
in some way by listening tomaybe one of our stories where
we were going through somethingsimilar to what you were.
So this has been just anamazing, amazing experience.
And it's, I mean, I can't getaround that.
I'm I'm feeling really sadtoday.
I've tried to record this abunch of times, and every time I
(01:29):
did, I ended up crying or justgetting so tired and unable to
really gather my thoughts to dothis.
So I have to acknowledge thatthis is a mourning period and
this is grieving a loss.
It was pretty hard to do thispodcast over the years.
I mean, Jacqueline and I havebeen through so many different
(01:51):
things.
We started when it was like inthe middle of COVID.
I think it was 2020, uh, aboutfive years ago.
Oh God, I can't believe that.
So the reason why we startedthis podcast is because I got a
grant for my dissertation.
And the grant uh required me todo some kind of community
outreach to make scienceaccessible to the broader public
(02:16):
outside of academia, which Iloved, which was something that
I've been dying to do.
But I didn't really didn't knowwhere to start.
I mean, I had been an academic,I had been a psychologist, and
I I'll talk more about this, butI have really identified as
someone who's just like the nerdbehind the scenes, right?
So someone who um gets gets thewhole stage together, but is
(02:40):
not actually on the stage.
So doing any kind of publicoutreach or communication seemed
really scary to me.
But I thought, okay, let me,let me, maybe a blog.
What am I gonna do?
And that's when Jacqueline cameinto our program and she had
experience with podcasts throughThe Bachelor, and we liked the
same things.
We liked talking aboutpersonality disorders and
(03:01):
relationships.
So she was like, you know,let's just do a podcast.
So it really was just like afun thing for us to do together.
It was just a fun project.
We didn't really think much ofit or where it was gonna end up.
And we started in COVID, and Iremember that we had a script
and we were so nervous weactually had to record the that
(03:22):
one episode like five differenttimes.
Um, reading, we wanted to be soprofessional.
We read every everything andlike described different um
dialectical behavioral therapyskills to uh deal with the
pandemic, like improve themoment into stress tolerance and
stuff.
We wanted to be like good, goodstudents.
And so the the reason why weput on this podcast is because
(03:45):
at Duke, there was this programcalled Through Thick and Thin
for family members and lovedones of people with mental
illness and emotiondysregulation.
And that was so cool.
That was something that wereally resonated with.
And we wanted to grow thiscommunity.
We wanted to reach people whocouldn't just come into those
classes at Duke.
And we did.
(04:06):
It was just like thisinteresting, this interesting
angle of centering the lovedones, the caregivers, supporters
in the story instead of theidentified patient.
And it really clicked with alot of people.
I think that us, Jacqueline andI both have, you know, we've
(04:27):
talked about this a lot, but Ihave a lot of mental health and
addiction history in my family.
My mom struggled withalcoholism and other emotional
issues.
And Jaclyn's family has alsostruggled with that too.
And be us being like thepsychologists, the ones who, the
ones who are like less crazy,less, less out of control, we
(04:50):
were always seeing our storythrough the lens of these other
people who need more help,right?
Like looking back on thestruggles and traumas of our
childhood as like someone elsewas going through a trauma and
we were witnessing it.
But yet it was still ourexperience.
So that was really confusing.
And so when we started talkingabout how mental health is a
(05:15):
community illness, a relationalillness, that really resonated
with a lot of people.
So doing the podcast, at first,we were like, okay, let's just
get skills out there.
Let's just, let's just get, youknow, some information that we
know from science and clinicalwork and try to spread it to a
broader community.
And it became something so muchmore than that, at least for
(05:39):
me.
I'm speaking for myself, thiswhole episode of speaking for
myself.
What we noticed was resonatingwith our audience with you guys
is getting more personal,getting more vulnerable,
bringing in real stories.
So we'd bring in stories fromour listeners or our friends.
Um, whenever we I want to makethis clear, whenever we talk
(05:59):
about patients, our patientwork, confidentiality and
privacy is number one.
So actually, when you hear ussaying, Oh, we have a patient
who blah, blah, blah, we'reactually changing almost all of
the identifying information.
Um, so that, you know,sometimes when we said a friend
or, you know, a patient, we weremeaning different things and
(06:20):
we're kind of, you know, we dideverything we could to protect
people's privacy.
So I want to say that if weever share the story, um, you
share your story out here, it'sit was intentionally hidden in a
way that would protect you.
So people really liked hearingreal stories.
You know, all these, I see thison social media, all this like
(06:42):
talk about what trauma is andwhat gaslighting is, and person,
narcissists, they're so evil.
But it really seems almost kindof like, you know, fairy tale
language, like so general,right?
It's like almost like thisvillain of the story and how to
detect them and how and how tounderstand trauma and mental
health, right?
But lived experiences reallywere the things that resonated
(07:06):
for people.
Cause I was like, oh, oh,that's what, that's what I've
experienced.
Oh my God, that's I didn'trealize I was in an abusive
relationship, right?
So as we noticed that thestories were resonating with
people, that's when we startedto get more personal ourselves,
right?
And we would tell about ourdating, our dating history and
(07:31):
all of our mistakes.
And it got into the point wherewe're talking about, you know,
my childhood trauma, um, stuffthat I was processing in real
time.
I mean, in this past season,the there's a self-hatred
episode in season five, wherewe're I basically was so
triggered with my own childhoodtrauma that we were gonna record
(07:56):
something entirely differentthat night, and we decided to
talk about that because I hadbeen healing from cancer, and I
was surprised to see that all mychildhood stuff was just like
coming flooding in in ways Ididn't expect.
So, you know, so in many ways,this podcast became like
therapy, you know, in adifferent way.
(08:18):
Um, and a way to connect to youguys and to each other in ways
that we haven't before.
Like I didn't experience thatin other spaces.
So it became really special.
And um it was hard.
There was a lot of downsides toit.
I mean, the amount of legalclearance we needed to get from
(08:40):
Duke and to have a disclaimer atthe end to say that this is
just information, it's not, it'snot therapy, and to protect um,
patient information.
But also just when we weretalking about our real lives.
So there were people who wewere talking about that were
affected and listening, right?
Like our family members, ourfriends, um, all the things that
(09:03):
we were struggling with.
I mean, we had to bring inhere.
Like we I went through adivorce.
Jacqueline went through areally difficult relationship.
I mean, it was crazy.
She broke off the engagement,but we still all had the flights
to the wedding.
So we all went to Portugal andhad like a non-wedding there.
(09:24):
And then both of us got intonew relationships.
And then I got, I had a babyand I had cancer.
And all of that is documentedin this podcast.
It really is such a cool diaryof a friendship and diary of a
crazy changing time in ourlives.
(09:46):
I'm so grateful.
I mean, anyone who's thinkingabout starting a podcast, do it.
Even if it's just for yourselfto vlog, I recommend.
But it I would say it's it wasreally hard.
There was a lot of parts of itthat were really difficult.
The first thing is that we weretrained to be psychologists who
(10:06):
kept keeps everything underwraps, right?
Like the old psychoanalysismodel, the old Freudian model.
It's like you literally arebehind a person while they're
lying down doing therapy.
They don't see you.
You're like a voice in theirhead intentionally.
You're supposed to be anon-person, a blank slate, so
(10:28):
that patients can just projectall of their stuff onto you,
right?
So the the tradition ofpsychology is like you're like
as a therapist, you're anon-person.
And I'm very good at being anon-person in many ways.
Like that is something thatI've gotten very used to.
(10:49):
Um so even stepping into thispodcast was a step in the
direction of I am stepping outfrom behind the scenes.
I am exposing myself in waysthat was really risky.
Like people, like my patientsand people I work with, they can
(11:09):
listen to details of mydivorce.
They could listen to what Iwent through as a child.
They, you know, all themistakes I made in my last
marriage and um what it was liketo go through chemo.
I mean, that's all stuff thatnormally I wouldn't even show
any of my patients.
And now people can listen to itin depth.
(11:31):
So, I mean, a lot of peoplecriticized it.
A lot of people thought thatthat was non-professional, that
was a risk, that um that thatwas a problem for patients.
And we kept doing it anywaybecause we really did feel the
impact of it on some of you.
(11:53):
And I think that psychology isreaching a new era where no
longer are do we trust a blankslate anymore, right?
Well, maybe AI isn't AI ChatGPT is like the new blank slate,
like the new Freudian um thepsychoanalysis, but uh people
(12:16):
want to connect to people.
And because we're behindscreens all the time, we want to
see into each other's lives.
We want that human connectionmore than ever.
And I feel like every time Ishared something really personal
and got really vulnerable,people trusted me more.
I'm sure some people trusted meless, but there were many
(12:37):
people who reach out and said,Thank you for sharing that.
I've been through somethingsimilar, I've had similar
struggles.
Um, and to just connect to thatmade them feel really seen.
And that's all I ever want.
That's all I ever want in thislife is for people to feel seen.
I don't achieve that all thetime, but I try.
(12:59):
That's my main goal.
I I have chronic issues withnot feeling seen.
Um, and that feeling of someoneyou care about or someone you
trust reflecting your ownexperiences back to you.
There's no other feeling likethat in the world for me.
And I know for other people.
(13:20):
So if this helps people feelseen, I'm willing to do it.
Now, there have been a lot ofproblems with it, for example.
Um I'm not gonna go into somany of the details because this
is more Jacqueline's story, butum, the part that is my story
is that we did talk a lot abouther breakup throughout the
(13:43):
podcast um with her uhex-fiance.
And it really was kind of likerevealing the levels of abuse in
real time.
Like at first we were allexcited about it, and then
slowly it revealed itself to bea really unhealthy relationship
for many reasons.
And you can listen to oldepisodes to hear that.
(14:04):
And this was her space.
So, you know, we've hadepisodes about her talking about
the breakup, breaking off theengagement.
And we knew that, for example,um, the her ex and probably her
ex's family members werelistening to it.
So we won really wanted to berespectful and talked more.
(14:26):
She would talk way more abouther own problems, her own stuff
points, um, what she did wrongand what it was like for her.
Um, and still, uh still we gotshit for it.
Um, I'll read you a littleemail that I got from the ex.
(14:46):
Um, and this is directly to me,so I feel like I have the right
to read it out loud, and I'mprobably gonna get in trouble
for this, but I don't sure.
Um, it says, and this is when Iwas fully pregnant, right?
This is, I think, like, I thinkI was in the second trimester,
so I was fully pregnant.
I'm supporting my friendthrough this horrible breakup,
(15:07):
which you know had differentripple effects throughout our
friend group, right?
Like everyone was upset, we'retalking on the phone a lot, like
getting calls from her friendsand family.
And then I get this email.
Um, I'll be just part of it.
So, hey Kibby, before enteringa legal battle that I'd rather
avoid, I figure I'd give you theopportunity to remove from your
podcast the two more recentepisodes on how to spark a
(15:29):
narcissist and on my breakupwith Jaclyn.
My lawyer, John Esposito,parentheses, who's Bill
Clinton's lawyer too, and meansbusiness, is keen on sending you
and Jacqueline a cease anddesist order and is also keen on
initiating a lawsuit fordefamation.
He thinks it's a particularparticularly strong case given
that A, it's clear that you'rereferring to me in the Narcissus
(15:51):
episode, and B, Jacqueline wason the batcher, which means
she's got a lot of clout.
I asked him to hold off on anylegal action for the time being,
noting that first email you andattempt to avoid a legal
battle.
Though I should note he's on aretainer, so I have him for as
many hours as I need at noadditional cost.
Okay, so that was the risk ofdoing this podcast.
(16:13):
I mean, that that email wasjust so insane.
I felt and like it triggered somany things in me.
I was um, so I was pregnant, Iwas so emotionally charged up.
I was like shaking.
I was really scared um to feelattacked like that.
And to be clear, we the how tospot a narcissist was not
(16:34):
referring to him.
I mean, we didn't mention hisname.
We we talked about like pastpeople, um, but he certainly
read himself into that.
So um so we had to take thoseepisodes down, and um, it was
really scary.
And it was so frustratingbecause he was bullying us.
And um, I just love that uhhe's built Clinton's lawyer
(16:57):
means business.
We still we I still kind oflike make fun of that line.
Um, means business.
Uh so yeah, I mean, there werea lot of risks with putting out
these episodes.
And not only that, it was hardto do logistically.
I mean, Jacqueline and I havelived in all these different
(17:18):
places.
We I think we started when Iwas in New York and she was in
Durham, and then uh, and then wehad moves.
Like she moved to New York, Ihad a baby, got sick, right?
These past few years sinceCOVID, we were all over the
place and we would bring ourpodcast equipment to trips.
Um, I remember going toCoachella and sitting on the
(17:43):
floor of my hotel room, waitingfor a quiet moment and uh
getting out all my podcastequipment and doing it, doing
the episode on the floor.
Um and we've done it abroad,we've done it like all over the
place.
So it was really hard to figureout logistically.
And especially as soon as I hada kid.
(18:04):
I mean, I know that people areafraid that your lives change
when you have a kid.
And that's a really validconcern.
This is what I say to mypatients and people who say, Oh,
I'm so scared.
Like things are gonna changewhen I have a kid.
And I'm like, yeah, that's areally real fear.
That's like, I'm supervalidating.
(18:25):
It is.
That is 100% true.
Your life will change.
Um, and it changes friendships.
And I think it was a bigdifference between us.
Like I could kind of feel it.
I went through postpartumdepression, but I could feel
that my life was so different.
My reality was so differentfrom my friends like Jacqueline,
(18:47):
who didn't have kids.
We prioritized thingsdifferently, my energy was
different.
Um, I had less patience forthings.
And, you know, just the kind ofthe flow and the flexibility
and the fun, spontaneity that wedid this podcast was much
harder for me when I had like,let's say, a baby in the next
(19:08):
room that I was trying to putdown so that I could record.
So that was tough.
That was really tough.
And I can't believe that we,you know, we we had a lot of
arguments about stuff like that,and we worked through it and
kept going, you know, adjustingto less frequent um episodes.
But, you know, I did thispodcast while going through
(19:31):
chemo.
I was like losing my hair, Iwas nauseous, I was weak, I
thought it was gonna die, andyet we still showed up here.
And it's interesting to thinkabout what's gonna happen
without Jacqueline.
And I think it's less about thepodcast and more like what
(19:53):
happens when you have a majortransition in a friendship.
When someone's a narcissist orwhen someone is anxious
attachment, and and we want tocategorize people into
something, right?
Like you are a this kind ofperson.
But the more that we've talkedabout these topics on this
podcast or relationships, andthe more that Jaclyn and I had
(20:14):
worked together, it really seemsmore like we are co-creating
dynamics and we are creatingidentities in a relationship.
I was a type of person in mydynamic with Jacqueline.
And in ways that I wasn't thatkind of person when I wasn't
(20:34):
around her.
You get pigeonholed in theselittle roles, right?
These really specific one noteroles, where one of our one of
our listeners, I hope you'relistening to this, she said that
our dynamic was like AdamCarolla and Dr.
Drew on Love Line, and theyhave new podcasts.
So that duo talks about um uhsex questions and um all these
(21:00):
kind of things, like with forfor men.
Um, but Adam Carolla is likethe funny, charismatic, loud
one.
And then Dr.
Drew is like the more serious,nerdy, brainy one.
So I remember I went toJacqueline and I said, you know
that our our our listeners thinkthat I'm the Dr.
Drew and you're the AdamCorolla.
(21:21):
And she was like, Do I want tobe the Adam Corolla?
And I was like, Do I want to bethe Dr.
Drew?
It's so funny to think that ouridentities are in relation to
the people around us.
That's what identity is.
An identity is how you positionyourself and are seen in a
(21:41):
community, in relationships.
I know that we want to figureout who we are, you know,
without any external validation,but that is not realistic.
We grow up with other people.
My identity is how I defined meand my qualities and my
behaviors and choices comparedto someone else, right?
Um and my identity withJacqueline was this Dr.
(22:04):
Drew or this um this moreserious version.
The first thing that popped mymind was Burton Ernie, like I'm
the Bert and she's the Ernie,which is so sad.
But I was like the nerdy oneand she was the fun one.
Like I was the bet, like shewas the pretty one, and I was
the uh like loyal best friendkind of thing.
(22:26):
At least that's how I sawmyself in our in our dynamic.
That dynamic had itsadvantages, right?
When you have a duo like that,you have complimentary
personalities, but it alsopigeonholes you into a role,
right?
I'm sure that all of you inyour family, when you go home to
your family, you are like thehero of the family, or the
(22:49):
scapegoat, or the funny one, orum anything else.
And then when you're with yourfriends, you might be a
completely different person.
And I feel like over time thatpodcast, or at least our
dynamic, put us in those boxesof, you know, the fun one and
the and the nerdy one, eventhough both of us have a blend
(23:10):
of both.
She told these fun, sillystories, um, colorful stories.
And I was a little bit moreself-deprecating and gave a
little bit more of theinformation.
Um, but I think over time, I'mspeaking for myself, Jacqueline,
if you're listening.
Um, I think over time thatreally hurt us.
(23:32):
I think it hurts people to beput in specific roles and
identities and boxed into onlyone thing.
I never really let myselfdevelop other parts of me,
especially in this podcast.
Um, which I will and I'll talkabout what that means for the
(23:54):
podcast, but it it almost becamelike I became a character.
I didn't get become Kibby, myfull self.
And the same thing for her.
And I think that it makes sensethat she wants to move on to
other things.
She's starting um a new life inNorth Carolina with a lovely
(24:15):
fiance, and um uh uh she's goingto private practice.
So her life is gonna look a lotdifferent than all the stories
she shared of dating in New Yorkand all that and going on the
bachelor.
Her life is just verydifferent.
And it makes sense that shewants to make room for that and
to be seen differently than sheused to.
And same for me.
(24:38):
I mean, it is really terrifyingto do this for a number of
reasons.
And you guys who have reachedout and talked to us about your
stories, we could hear a themeof people who really care,
really care for the peoplearound them, identify as
caregivers or nurturing people,or the moms or dads, um, the
(25:04):
empaths, people pleasers, thepeople who we call like the
emotional anchor of the family,who hold everything together,
right?
They so everyone else can stayafloat.
And I certainly identify withthat.
I think my best qualities aremy ability to read other people,
(25:24):
my ability to see other peopleand what they're trying to tell
me and what they feel.
Um, try to figure out how tomake someone happy, right?
And so much in my life, I'velooked down on myself for that.
Like I'm I'm proud because Iknow it's a skill and ability,
but I'm also I also devaluemyself for that.
(25:47):
So there's a real conflictaround the ability to see and
lift and support other people.
Be being other-oriented is badin the society.
At least this is how I feel.
I feel like at the same time,like academia and psychology and
(26:08):
places like here, I usuallyfeel most useful when I could
lift someone else up.
Like people like me more.
My the people in my life loveme more.
Um, this is part of my likecore belief, and it's a limiting
belief, but it's almost likethe more I can lift someone up,
the more valuable I am to them.
Which of course makes sense.
(26:29):
But what that means is that Ihave put myself behind the front
man all the time.
I'm constantly looking forpeople who have charisma and are
easily bring attention tothemselves and who can stand in
the room and flirt and seducethe room and draw the attention
(26:51):
to them, right?
Um, often they are narcissistsor histrionic or something, but
there's something about thatpersonality that I'm drawn to
because I am really good atletting someone else fill the
space.
And they love to fill the spaceand they do it well.
Um I used to be a photographer,right?
(27:11):
I used I am a psychologist.
I let I create the space forother people to shine.
And so it's really challengingfor something like this, where
now I had to step out of thatdynamic.
I have to step out from behindthe stage and get on the stage
and center myself in the story,which is the whole point of this
(27:33):
podcast, is for the people whoare caregivers and supporters to
be seen as the main characterof the story.
So it's a real meta journeythat will all go on.
And I'm really terrifiedbecause I'm like, what if people
just came to listen to JaclynSponge stories?
(27:53):
Or um she was a charming oneand I'm the boring one.
Like, what does that mean?
And I won't know until I takethat risk.
Right?
I can't tell all of you to beyour authentic selves and
validate yourself and prioritizeyourself in difficult
relationships when I'm not doingthe same.
So that will be the new chapterof A Little Help for our
(28:16):
friends.
And still gonna focus on how dowe heal mental health through
connection?
Right?
Let's focus on mental illnessand addiction and all of these
emotional pain as somethingthat's happening within a
family, within a group, within acommunity, right?
(28:41):
It's not just one personsuffering from a mental illness,
it's really a sickness in thesystem.
Right.
I want to keep focusing on thatand really understanding how do
we build family.
I don't just mean biologicalfamily, but I mean family in all
sense of the word.
How do we build secureattachments to the people in our
(29:04):
lives?
Right?
We are so lonely these days.
We are so lonely.
We spend so much time on ourphones looking at windows into
other people's constructed fakelives, and we're not feeling
that connection, right?
We're not feeling seen.
It's we're only feeling seenthrough the through the class.
(29:26):
And people are confused morethan ever.
How do you actually build afamily and a connection?
Is it all about just going nocontact and breaking off and
just being yourself?
Well, some sometimes, sometimesthat's necessary in order to
find yourself and and todifferentiate yourself.
But what does it actually meanto build healthy, connected,
(29:49):
loving, secure relationships?
That is something we'llcontinually focus on in this
podcast.
And I'm going to bring out moresides of me.
I I haven't really talked a lotabout my years in Berlin.
I haven't talked a lot about myyears as a yoga teacher and a
high massage therapist who wasover in a rice patty in Thailand
(30:14):
working with people from allover the world.
I haven't told some of mycrazier stories because I
intentionally, maybe notintentionally, but
subconsciously hid them becauseI was like, I'm not the fun one.
All right.
I'm go, I'm only going to tella crazy story if it's something
that is like a lesson orsomething self-deprecating, but
(30:35):
I'm not going to tell just likea funny dating story, but I have
so many of those.
So there's just going to be alot more of different aspects of
my life and my my deep lifelongjourney of trying to understand
connection.
Um, talk a lot more about that.
We're going to have amazingguests.
We're we're going to we noticethat people are interested in
(30:59):
understanding narcissisticabuse, nervous system, um, the
neuroscience behind attachment,uh, family dynamics, and how to
actually communicate well, setboundaries, and find yourself
and regulate your own emotions.
So I will have tons of guestsfor that.
(31:21):
Um, because I also have allthese friends in like
neuroscience and film andentertainment and all these
places that I haven't pulled inyet.
So that's going to be a reallyexciting chapter.
And as always, the reason why Idid this, the reason why I did
any of this podcast is to builda community, is for people to
(31:43):
who feel alone and unseen tofeel connected and seen.
So cool of mind, I've mentionedthat a bunch of times, but cool
of mind is the community thatwe built for you, for you, our
little helpers.
It is a course, really.
It's an online course where weI teach all I keep saying we.
(32:07):
It's it's so hard to changethat habit, but I'll just start
saying I.
I built cool of mind.
So people like you can have aplace and connect to each other
and learn the skills that Iteach on this podcast in a
community with other peoplestruggling with the same things.
(32:30):
Um, so I'll always talk aboutCool of Mind here.
Uh, but just if you're evercurious, just look on our
website, coolamind.com,K-U-L-A-M-I-N D.com.
This podcast is considered theofficial podcast of Coola Mind.
And I'm never gonna have anyother ads on this podcast.
I really don't like hearingads, but um, I'm gonna
(32:54):
constantly give updates aboutthis cool mind community and I
want all of us to grow together.
So I want this to be somethingfor you.
I want you to feel seen.
So if you want to give us yourstory, us, God, give me your
story.
If you want to give me yourstory, if you want to give me
questions to tackle, um,requests for topics that we
(33:18):
haven't covered, complaints.
I want to hear complaints.
Actually, I found that thepeople who have reached out to
me and said, hey, the thing thatyou talked about was so
offensive.
It didn't give the wholepicture, it didn't represent my
experience.
Those have been the bestconversations because that's
where I'm like, yeah, thank you.
I do this to learn about a lotof different topics that I
(33:41):
haven't delved into myself.
So I want to know where I'mmissing, right?
I'm kind of putting out what Ican read on my own or want to
think on my own, but I want tohear from you.
What am I missing?
Please tell me.
So you could always email me atkibby at coolamine.com, k-a-i-b
Y at coolamind,k-U-L-A-M-I-N-D.com.
(34:04):
Or there is a feature in theshow notes that if all the way
at the top, it says send me atext.
Just click on that and it'lljust let you send a message.
I can't really respond back tothat for some reason.
So if you want me to engage inthe conversation with you, email
is the best, or you can putyour email there.
But please, I want to hear fromyou.
I want to feature you as thecenter of this podcast, which
(34:25):
you always were, but let's learnhow to be seen together.
So I'm so excited for the nextchapter.
I'm also mourning the loss ofthe five beautiful years that I
had with Jacqueline.
I wish her the very best.
I have utmost respect for herand love for her.
And I also want to say that Iheld on to this dynamic in this
(34:49):
podcast with her for even whenit was hard, because it was the
place I felt most connected toher.
And I'm being really honest withthat.
I have a hard time lettingmyself have the space, emotional
space in relationships.
And I feel like it was the timewhere we can talk most in depth
(35:11):
and slow down and give eachother that attention, right?
To have a whole hour where I'mtalking about myself and my pain
and having her just listen.
The only way I can do that withher was to think that I was
doing it to help one of you, tolike um, you know, shed light on
a similar experience thatyou've had, or to just offer it
(35:32):
in some way of service, right?
That was the only way I felttruly comfortable doing that
with her.
And, you know, in ourday-to-day friendship, we would
just be texting each other andkind of like griping about
whatever's going on in the day.
But the podcast was a spacewhere we really sat down, slowed
down, and focused on one topictogether.
(35:53):
And it was one of the bestparts of our friendship.
And I will miss it, but I'mreally sad about it and it's a
huge loss, and I'm grieving it.
Um I felt really seen andconnected with her in here.
And it feels weird to continueon without her.
(36:13):
And I'm sure it's weird for allof you.
But I think it's time for achange.
So thank you so much, littlehelpers, for going on this huge
journey together.
And we're gonna have so manymore exciting episodes and
topics and places, and God knowswhere my life is gonna go.
(36:34):
I mean, I have we're trying tofind a surrogate right now for
the second child and buildingcool of mind and trying to be an
entrepreneur after being just,you know, a woman behind the
scenes.
So there's gonna be so muchahead.
So if you've appreciated thepodcasts for all of our five
years before, or even if you'rejust jumping in and are here for
(36:58):
this next phase, this nextjourney, please subscribe and
leave a five-star review onApple Podcasts or Spotify.
And even better, share thiswith a friend.
Talk to you soon.
See you next week.
By accessing this podcast, youacknowledge that the host of
this podcast makes no warranty,guarantee, or representation as
(37:21):
to the accuracy or sufficiencyof information featured in this
podcast.
The information, opinions, andrecommendations presented in
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(37:43):
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(38:06):
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Thank you.
Hi guys, welcome to A Little Help for Our
Friends, a podcast for peoplewith loved ones struggling with
mental health.
Hey, Little Helpers, it's Dr.
Kibby, and I have a hugeannouncement for you.
After several wonderful yearsof really meaningful
conversations, A Little Help forOur Friends is entering a new
chapter.
(00:20):
My co-host, JacquelineTrumbull, has decided to step
away from the podcast to focuson new directions.
So today is going to bedifferent.
It's my first solo episode.
I'm talking to myself in avoid, which is really weird.
And I'm going to talk about allthat we've built here, this
community, this podcast.
I'll give a little bit ofinsight on what it was behind
(00:44):
the scenes.
And then going to talk aboutthis next era of a little help
for our friends.
We're still going.
I'm going to take up the mantleand I'm going to try to do
Jaclyn Proud and take thisforward for all of you.
So this podcast has been areally special thing for both me
and Jacqueline and a lot of youwho have been so nice telling
(01:06):
us that you're listening,telling us how you've helped us
in some way by listening tomaybe one of our stories where
we were going through somethingsimilar to what you were.
So this has been just anamazing, amazing experience.
And it's, I mean, I can't getaround that.
I'm I'm feeling really sadtoday.
I've tried to record this abunch of times, and every time I
(01:29):
did, I ended up crying or justgetting so tired and unable to
really gather my thoughts to dothis.
So I have to acknowledge thatthis is a mourning period and
this is grieving a loss.
It was pretty hard to do thispodcast over the years.
I mean, Jacqueline and I havebeen through so many different
(01:51):
things.
We started when it was like inthe middle of COVID.
I think it was 2020, uh, aboutfive years ago.
Oh God, I can't believe that.
So the reason why we startedthis podcast is because I got a
grant for my dissertation.
And the grant uh required me todo some kind of community
outreach to make scienceaccessible to the broader public
(02:16):
outside of academia, which Iloved, which was something that
I've been dying to do.
But I didn't really didn't knowwhere to start.
I mean, I had been an academic,I had been a psychologist, and
I I'll talk more about this, butI have really identified as
someone who's just like the nerdbehind the scenes, right?
So someone who um gets gets thewhole stage together, but is
(02:40):
not actually on the stage.
So doing any kind of publicoutreach or communication seemed
really scary to me.
But I thought, okay, let me,let me, maybe a blog.
What am I gonna do?
And that's when Jacqueline cameinto our program and she had
experience with podcasts throughThe Bachelor, and we liked the
same things.
We liked talking aboutpersonality disorders and
(03:01):
relationships.
So she was like, you know,let's just do a podcast.
So it really was just like afun thing for us to do together.
It was just a fun project.
We didn't really think much ofit or where it was gonna end up.
And we started in COVID, and Iremember that we had a script
and we were so nervous weactually had to record the that
(03:22):
one episode like five differenttimes.
Um, reading, we wanted to be soprofessional.
We read every everything andlike described different um
dialectical behavioral therapyskills to uh deal with the
pandemic, like improve themoment into stress tolerance and
stuff.
We wanted to be like good, goodstudents.
And so the the reason why weput on this podcast is because
(03:45):
at Duke, there was this programcalled Through Thick and Thin
for family members and lovedones of people with mental
illness and emotiondysregulation.
And that was so cool.
That was something that wereally resonated with.
And we wanted to grow thiscommunity.
We wanted to reach people whocouldn't just come into those
classes at Duke.
And we did.
(04:06):
It was just like thisinteresting, this interesting
angle of centering the lovedones, the caregivers, supporters
in the story instead of theidentified patient.
And it really clicked with alot of people.
I think that us, Jacqueline andI both have, you know, we've
(04:27):
talked about this a lot, but Ihave a lot of mental health and
addiction history in my family.
My mom struggled withalcoholism and other emotional
issues.
And Jaclyn's family has alsostruggled with that too.
And be us being like thepsychologists, the ones who, the
ones who are like less crazy,less, less out of control, we
(04:50):
were always seeing our storythrough the lens of these other
people who need more help,right?
Like looking back on thestruggles and traumas of our
childhood as like someone elsewas going through a trauma and
we were witnessing it.
But yet it was still ourexperience.
So that was really confusing.
And so when we started talkingabout how mental health is a
(05:15):
community illness, a relationalillness, that really resonated
with a lot of people.
So doing the podcast, at first,we were like, okay, let's just
get skills out there.
Let's just, let's just get, youknow, some information that we
know from science and clinicalwork and try to spread it to a
broader community.
And it became something so muchmore than that, at least for
(05:39):
me.
I'm speaking for myself, thiswhole episode of speaking for
myself.
What we noticed was resonatingwith our audience with you guys
is getting more personal,getting more vulnerable,
bringing in real stories.
So we'd bring in stories fromour listeners or our friends.
Um, whenever we I want to makethis clear, whenever we talk
(05:59):
about patients, our patientwork, confidentiality and
privacy is number one.
So actually, when you hear ussaying, Oh, we have a patient
who blah, blah, blah, we'reactually changing almost all of
the identifying information.
Um, so that, you know,sometimes when we said a friend
or, you know, a patient, we weremeaning different things and
(06:20):
we're kind of, you know, we dideverything we could to protect
people's privacy.
So I want to say that if weever share the story, um, you
share your story out here, it'sit was intentionally hidden in a
way that would protect you.
So people really liked hearingreal stories.
You know, all these, I see thison social media, all this like
(06:42):
talk about what trauma is andwhat gaslighting is, and person,
narcissists, they're so evil.
But it really seems almost kindof like, you know, fairy tale
language, like so general,right?
It's like almost like thisvillain of the story and how to
detect them and how and how tounderstand trauma and mental
health, right?
But lived experiences reallywere the things that resonated
(07:06):
for people.
Cause I was like, oh, oh,that's what, that's what I've
experienced.
Oh my God, that's I didn'trealize I was in an abusive
relationship, right?
So as we noticed that thestories were resonating with
people, that's when we startedto get more personal ourselves,
right?
And we would tell about ourdating, our dating history and
(07:31):
all of our mistakes.
And it got into the point wherewe're talking about, you know,
my childhood trauma, um, stuffthat I was processing in real
time.
I mean, in this past season,the there's a self-hatred
episode in season five, wherewe're I basically was so
triggered with my own childhoodtrauma that we were gonna record
(07:56):
something entirely differentthat night, and we decided to
talk about that because I hadbeen healing from cancer, and I
was surprised to see that all mychildhood stuff was just like
coming flooding in in ways Ididn't expect.
So, you know, so in many ways,this podcast became like
therapy, you know, in adifferent way.
(08:18):
Um, and a way to connect to youguys and to each other in ways
that we haven't before.
Like I didn't experience thatin other spaces.
So it became really special.
And um it was hard.
There was a lot of downsides toit.
I mean, the amount of legalclearance we needed to get from
(08:40):
Duke and to have a disclaimer atthe end to say that this is
just information, it's not, it'snot therapy, and to protect um,
patient information.
But also just when we weretalking about our real lives.
So there were people who wewere talking about that were
affected and listening, right?
Like our family members, ourfriends, um, all the things that
(09:03):
we were struggling with.
I mean, we had to bring inhere.
Like we I went through adivorce.
Jacqueline went through areally difficult relationship.
I mean, it was crazy.
She broke off the engagement,but we still all had the flights
to the wedding.
So we all went to Portugal andhad like a non-wedding there.
(09:24):
And then both of us got intonew relationships.
And then I got, I had a babyand I had cancer.
And all of that is documentedin this podcast.
It really is such a cool diaryof a friendship and diary of a
crazy changing time in ourlives.
(09:46):
I'm so grateful.
I mean, anyone who's thinkingabout starting a podcast, do it.
Even if it's just for yourselfto vlog, I recommend.
But it I would say it's it wasreally hard.
There was a lot of parts of itthat were really difficult.
The first thing is that we weretrained to be psychologists who
(10:06):
kept keeps everything underwraps, right?
Like the old psychoanalysismodel, the old Freudian model.
It's like you literally arebehind a person while they're
lying down doing therapy.
They don't see you.
You're like a voice in theirhead intentionally.
You're supposed to be anon-person, a blank slate, so
(10:28):
that patients can just projectall of their stuff onto you,
right?
So the the tradition ofpsychology is like you're like
as a therapist, you're anon-person.
And I'm very good at being anon-person in many ways.
Like that is something thatI've gotten very used to.
(10:49):
Um so even stepping into thispodcast was a step in the
direction of I am stepping outfrom behind the scenes.
I am exposing myself in waysthat was really risky.
Like people, like my patientsand people I work with, they can
(11:09):
listen to details of mydivorce.
They could listen to what Iwent through as a child.
They, you know, all themistakes I made in my last
marriage and um what it was liketo go through chemo.
I mean, that's all stuff thatnormally I wouldn't even show
any of my patients.
And now people can listen to itin depth.
(11:31):
So, I mean, a lot of peoplecriticized it.
A lot of people thought thatthat was non-professional, that
was a risk, that um that thatwas a problem for patients.
And we kept doing it anywaybecause we really did feel the
impact of it on some of you.
(11:53):
And I think that psychology isreaching a new era where no
longer are do we trust a blankslate anymore, right?
Well, maybe AI isn't AI ChatGPT is like the new blank slate,
like the new Freudian um thepsychoanalysis, but uh people
(12:16):
want to connect to people.
And because we're behindscreens all the time, we want to
see into each other's lives.
We want that human connectionmore than ever.
And I feel like every time Ishared something really personal
and got really vulnerable,people trusted me more.
I'm sure some people trusted meless, but there were many
(12:37):
people who reach out and said,Thank you for sharing that.
I've been through somethingsimilar, I've had similar
struggles.
Um, and to just connect to thatmade them feel really seen.
And that's all I ever want.
That's all I ever want in thislife is for people to feel seen.
I don't achieve that all thetime, but I try.
(12:59):
That's my main goal.
I I have chronic issues withnot feeling seen.
Um, and that feeling of someoneyou care about or someone you
trust reflecting your ownexperiences back to you.
There's no other feeling likethat in the world for me.
And I know for other people.
(13:20):
So if this helps people feelseen, I'm willing to do it.
Now, there have been a lot ofproblems with it, for example.
Um I'm not gonna go into somany of the details because this
is more Jacqueline's story, butum, the part that is my story
is that we did talk a lot abouther breakup throughout the
(13:43):
podcast um with her uhex-fiance.
And it really was kind of likerevealing the levels of abuse in
real time.
Like at first we were allexcited about it, and then
slowly it revealed itself to bea really unhealthy relationship
for many reasons.
And you can listen to oldepisodes to hear that.
(14:04):
And this was her space.
So, you know, we've hadepisodes about her talking about
the breakup, breaking off theengagement.
And we knew that, for example,um, the her ex and probably her
ex's family members werelistening to it.
So we won really wanted to berespectful and talked more.
(14:26):
She would talk way more abouther own problems, her own stuff
points, um, what she did wrongand what it was like for her.
Um, and still, uh still we gotshit for it.
Um, I'll read you a littleemail that I got from the ex.
(14:46):
Um, and this is directly to me,so I feel like I have the right
to read it out loud, and I'mprobably gonna get in trouble
for this, but I don't sure.
Um, it says, and this is when Iwas fully pregnant, right?
This is, I think, like, I thinkI was in the second trimester,
so I was fully pregnant.
I'm supporting my friendthrough this horrible breakup,
(15:07):
which you know had differentripple effects throughout our
friend group, right?
Like everyone was upset, we'retalking on the phone a lot, like
getting calls from her friendsand family.
And then I get this email.
Um, I'll be just part of it.
So, hey Kibby, before enteringa legal battle that I'd rather
avoid, I figure I'd give you theopportunity to remove from your
podcast the two more recentepisodes on how to spark a
(15:29):
narcissist and on my breakupwith Jaclyn.
My lawyer, John Esposito,parentheses, who's Bill
Clinton's lawyer too, and meansbusiness, is keen on sending you
and Jacqueline a cease anddesist order and is also keen on
initiating a lawsuit fordefamation.
He thinks it's a particularparticularly strong case given
that A, it's clear that you'rereferring to me in the Narcissus
(15:51):
episode, and B, Jacqueline wason the batcher, which means
she's got a lot of clout.
I asked him to hold off on anylegal action for the time being,
noting that first email you andattempt to avoid a legal
battle.
Though I should note he's on aretainer, so I have him for as
many hours as I need at noadditional cost.
Okay, so that was the risk ofdoing this podcast.
(16:13):
I mean, that that email wasjust so insane.
I felt and like it triggered somany things in me.
I was um, so I was pregnant, Iwas so emotionally charged up.
I was like shaking.
I was really scared um to feelattacked like that.
And to be clear, we the how tospot a narcissist was not
(16:34):
referring to him.
I mean, we didn't mention hisname.
We we talked about like pastpeople, um, but he certainly
read himself into that.
So um so we had to take thoseepisodes down, and um, it was
really scary.
And it was so frustratingbecause he was bullying us.
And um, I just love that uhhe's built Clinton's lawyer
(16:57):
means business.
We still we I still kind oflike make fun of that line.
Um, means business.
Uh so yeah, I mean, there werea lot of risks with putting out
these episodes.
And not only that, it was hardto do logistically.
I mean, Jacqueline and I havelived in all these different
(17:18):
places.
We I think we started when Iwas in New York and she was in
Durham, and then uh, and then wehad moves.
Like she moved to New York, Ihad a baby, got sick, right?
These past few years sinceCOVID, we were all over the
place and we would bring ourpodcast equipment to trips.
Um, I remember going toCoachella and sitting on the
(17:43):
floor of my hotel room, waitingfor a quiet moment and uh
getting out all my podcastequipment and doing it, doing
the episode on the floor.
Um and we've done it abroad,we've done it like all over the
place.
So it was really hard to figureout logistically.
And especially as soon as I hada kid.
(18:04):
I mean, I know that people areafraid that your lives change
when you have a kid.
And that's a really validconcern.
This is what I say to mypatients and people who say, Oh,
I'm so scared.
Like things are gonna changewhen I have a kid.
And I'm like, yeah, that's areally real fear.
That's like, I'm supervalidating.
(18:25):
It is.
That is 100% true.
Your life will change.
Um, and it changes friendships.
And I think it was a bigdifference between us.
Like I could kind of feel it.
I went through postpartumdepression, but I could feel
that my life was so different.
My reality was so differentfrom my friends like Jacqueline,
(18:47):
who didn't have kids.
We prioritized thingsdifferently, my energy was
different.
Um, I had less patience forthings.
And, you know, just the kind ofthe flow and the flexibility
and the fun, spontaneity that wedid this podcast was much
harder for me when I had like,let's say, a baby in the next
(19:08):
room that I was trying to putdown so that I could record.
So that was tough.
That was really tough.
And I can't believe that we,you know, we we had a lot of
arguments about stuff like that,and we worked through it and
kept going, you know, adjustingto less frequent um episodes.
But, you know, I did thispodcast while going through
(19:31):
chemo.
I was like losing my hair, Iwas nauseous, I was weak, I
thought it was gonna die, andyet we still showed up here.
And it's interesting to thinkabout what's gonna happen
without Jacqueline.
And I think it's less about thepodcast and more like what
(19:53):
happens when you have a majortransition in a friendship.
When someone's a narcissist orwhen someone is anxious
attachment, and and we want tocategorize people into
something, right?
Like you are a this kind ofperson.
But the more that we've talkedabout these topics on this
podcast or relationships, andthe more that Jaclyn and I had
(20:14):
worked together, it really seemsmore like we are co-creating
dynamics and we are creatingidentities in a relationship.
I was a type of person in mydynamic with Jacqueline.
And in ways that I wasn't thatkind of person when I wasn't
(20:34):
around her.
You get pigeonholed in theselittle roles, right?
These really specific one noteroles, where one of our one of
our listeners, I hope you'relistening to this, she said that
our dynamic was like AdamCarolla and Dr.
Drew on Love Line, and theyhave new podcasts.
So that duo talks about um uhsex questions and um all these
(21:00):
kind of things, like with forfor men.
Um, but Adam Carolla is likethe funny, charismatic, loud
one.
And then Dr.
Drew is like the more serious,nerdy, brainy one.
So I remember I went toJacqueline and I said, you know
that our our our listeners thinkthat I'm the Dr.
Drew and you're the AdamCorolla.
(21:21):
And she was like, Do I want tobe the Adam Corolla?
And I was like, Do I want to bethe Dr.
Drew?
It's so funny to think that ouridentities are in relation to
the people around us.
That's what identity is.
An identity is how you positionyourself and are seen in a
(21:41):
community, in relationships.
I know that we want to figureout who we are, you know,
without any external validation,but that is not realistic.
We grow up with other people.
My identity is how I defined meand my qualities and my
behaviors and choices comparedto someone else, right?
Um and my identity withJacqueline was this Dr.
(22:04):
Drew or this um this moreserious version.
The first thing that popped mymind was Burton Ernie, like I'm
the Bert and she's the Ernie,which is so sad.
But I was like the nerdy oneand she was the fun one.
Like I was the bet, like shewas the pretty one, and I was
the uh like loyal best friendkind of thing.
(22:26):
At least that's how I sawmyself in our in our dynamic.
That dynamic had itsadvantages, right?
When you have a duo like that,you have complimentary
personalities, but it alsopigeonholes you into a role,
right?
I'm sure that all of you inyour family, when you go home to
your family, you are like thehero of the family, or the
(22:49):
scapegoat, or the funny one, orum anything else.
And then when you're with yourfriends, you might be a
completely different person.
And I feel like over time thatpodcast, or at least our
dynamic, put us in those boxesof, you know, the fun one and
the and the nerdy one, eventhough both of us have a blend
(23:10):
of both.
She told these fun, sillystories, um, colorful stories.
And I was a little bit moreself-deprecating and gave a
little bit more of theinformation.
Um, but I think over time, I'mspeaking for myself, Jacqueline,
if you're listening.
Um, I think over time thatreally hurt us.
(23:32):
I think it hurts people to beput in specific roles and
identities and boxed into onlyone thing.
I never really let myselfdevelop other parts of me,
especially in this podcast.
Um, which I will and I'll talkabout what that means for the
(23:54):
podcast, but it it almost becamelike I became a character.
I didn't get become Kibby, myfull self.
And the same thing for her.
And I think that it makes sensethat she wants to move on to
other things.
She's starting um a new life inNorth Carolina with a lovely
(24:15):
fiance, and um uh uh she's goingto private practice.
So her life is gonna look a lotdifferent than all the stories
she shared of dating in New Yorkand all that and going on the
bachelor.
Her life is just verydifferent.
And it makes sense that shewants to make room for that and
to be seen differently than sheused to.
And same for me.
(24:38):
I mean, it is really terrifyingto do this for a number of
reasons.
And you guys who have reachedout and talked to us about your
stories, we could hear a themeof people who really care,
really care for the peoplearound them, identify as
caregivers or nurturing people,or the moms or dads, um, the
(25:04):
empaths, people pleasers, thepeople who we call like the
emotional anchor of the family,who hold everything together,
right?
They so everyone else can stayafloat.
And I certainly identify withthat.
I think my best qualities aremy ability to read other people,
(25:24):
my ability to see other peopleand what they're trying to tell
me and what they feel.
Um, try to figure out how tomake someone happy, right?
And so much in my life, I'velooked down on myself for that.
Like I'm I'm proud because Iknow it's a skill and ability,
but I'm also I also devaluemyself for that.
(25:47):
So there's a real conflictaround the ability to see and
lift and support other people.
Be being other-oriented is badin the society.
At least this is how I feel.
I feel like at the same time,like academia and psychology and
(26:08):
places like here, I usuallyfeel most useful when I could
lift someone else up.
Like people like me more.
My the people in my life loveme more.
Um, this is part of my likecore belief, and it's a limiting
belief, but it's almost likethe more I can lift someone up,
the more valuable I am to them.
Which of course makes sense.
(26:29):
But what that means is that Ihave put myself behind the front
man all the time.
I'm constantly looking forpeople who have charisma and are
easily bring attention tothemselves and who can stand in
the room and flirt and seducethe room and draw the attention
(26:51):
to them, right?
Um, often they are narcissistsor histrionic or something, but
there's something about thatpersonality that I'm drawn to
because I am really good atletting someone else fill the
space.
And they love to fill the spaceand they do it well.
Um I used to be a photographer,right?
(27:11):
I used I am a psychologist.
I let I create the space forother people to shine.
And so it's really challengingfor something like this, where
now I had to step out of thatdynamic.
I have to step out from behindthe stage and get on the stage
and center myself in the story,which is the whole point of this
(27:33):
podcast, is for the people whoare caregivers and supporters to
be seen as the main characterof the story.
So it's a real meta journeythat will all go on.
And I'm really terrifiedbecause I'm like, what if people
just came to listen to JaclynSponge stories?
(27:53):
Or um she was a charming oneand I'm the boring one.
Like, what does that mean?
And I won't know until I takethat risk.
Right?
I can't tell all of you to beyour authentic selves and
validate yourself and prioritizeyourself in difficult
relationships when I'm not doingthe same.
So that will be the new chapterof A Little Help for our
(28:16):
friends.
And still gonna focus on how dowe heal mental health through
connection?
Right?
Let's focus on mental illnessand addiction and all of these
emotional pain as somethingthat's happening within a
family, within a group, within acommunity, right?
(28:41):
It's not just one personsuffering from a mental illness,
it's really a sickness in thesystem.
Right.
I want to keep focusing on thatand really understanding how do
we build family.
I don't just mean biologicalfamily, but I mean family in all
sense of the word.
How do we build secureattachments to the people in our
(29:04):
lives?
Right?
We are so lonely these days.
We are so lonely.
We spend so much time on ourphones looking at windows into
other people's constructed fakelives, and we're not feeling
that connection, right?
We're not feeling seen.
It's we're only feeling seenthrough the through the class.
(29:26):
And people are confused morethan ever.
How do you actually build afamily and a connection?
Is it all about just going nocontact and breaking off and
just being yourself?
Well, some sometimes, sometimesthat's necessary in order to
find yourself and and todifferentiate yourself.
But what does it actually meanto build healthy, connected,
(29:49):
loving, secure relationships?
That is something we'llcontinually focus on in this
podcast.
And I'm going to bring out moresides of me.
I I haven't really talked a lotabout my years in Berlin.
I haven't talked a lot about myyears as a yoga teacher and a
high massage therapist who wasover in a rice patty in Thailand
(30:14):
working with people from allover the world.
I haven't told some of mycrazier stories because I
intentionally, maybe notintentionally, but
subconsciously hid them becauseI was like, I'm not the fun one.
All right.
I'm go, I'm only going to tella crazy story if it's something
that is like a lesson orsomething self-deprecating, but
(30:35):
I'm not going to tell just likea funny dating story, but I have
so many of those.
So there's just going to be alot more of different aspects of
my life and my my deep lifelongjourney of trying to understand
connection.
Um, talk a lot more about that.
We're going to have amazingguests.
We're we're going to we noticethat people are interested in
(30:59):
understanding narcissisticabuse, nervous system, um, the
neuroscience behind attachment,uh, family dynamics, and how to
actually communicate well, setboundaries, and find yourself
and regulate your own emotions.
So I will have tons of guestsfor that.
(31:21):
Um, because I also have allthese friends in like
neuroscience and film andentertainment and all these
places that I haven't pulled inyet.
So that's going to be a reallyexciting chapter.
And as always, the reason why Idid this, the reason why I did
any of this podcast is to builda community, is for people to
(31:43):
who feel alone and unseen tofeel connected and seen.
So cool of mind, I've mentionedthat a bunch of times, but cool
of mind is the community thatwe built for you, for you, our
little helpers.
It is a course, really.
It's an online course where weI teach all I keep saying we.
(32:07):
It's it's so hard to changethat habit, but I'll just start
saying I.
I built cool of mind.
So people like you can have aplace and connect to each other
and learn the skills that Iteach on this podcast in a
community with other peoplestruggling with the same things.
(32:30):
Um, so I'll always talk aboutCool of Mind here.
Uh, but just if you're evercurious, just look on our
website, coolamind.com,K-U-L-A-M-I-N D.com.
This podcast is considered theofficial podcast of Coola Mind.
And I'm never gonna have anyother ads on this podcast.
I really don't like hearingads, but um, I'm gonna
(32:54):
constantly give updates aboutthis cool mind community and I
want all of us to grow together.
So I want this to be somethingfor you.
I want you to feel seen.
So if you want to give us yourstory, us, God, give me your
story.
If you want to give me yourstory, if you want to give me
questions to tackle, um,requests for topics that we
(33:18):
haven't covered, complaints.
I want to hear complaints.
Actually, I found that thepeople who have reached out to
me and said, hey, the thing thatyou talked about was so
offensive.
It didn't give the wholepicture, it didn't represent my
experience.
Those have been the bestconversations because that's
where I'm like, yeah, thank you.
I do this to learn about a lotof different topics that I
(33:41):
haven't delved into myself.
So I want to know where I'mmissing, right?
I'm kind of putting out what Ican read on my own or want to
think on my own, but I want tohear from you.
What am I missing?
Please tell me.
So you could always email me atkibby at coolamine.com, k-a-i-b
Y at coolamind,k-U-L-A-M-I-N-D.com.
(34:04):
Or there is a feature in theshow notes that if all the way
at the top, it says send me atext.
Just click on that and it'lljust let you send a message.
I can't really respond back tothat for some reason.
So if you want me to engage inthe conversation with you, email
is the best, or you can putyour email there.
But please, I want to hear fromyou.
I want to feature you as thecenter of this podcast, which
(34:25):
you always were, but let's learnhow to be seen together.
So I'm so excited for the nextchapter.
I'm also mourning the loss ofthe five beautiful years that I
had with Jacqueline.
I wish her the very best.
I have utmost respect for herand love for her.
And I also want to say that Iheld on to this dynamic in this
(34:49):
podcast with her for even whenit was hard, because it was the
place I felt most connected toher.
And I'm being really honest withthat.
I have a hard time lettingmyself have the space, emotional
space in relationships.
And I feel like it was the timewhere we can talk most in depth
(35:11):
and slow down and give eachother that attention, right?
To have a whole hour where I'mtalking about myself and my pain
and having her just listen.
The only way I can do that withher was to think that I was
doing it to help one of you, tolike um, you know, shed light on
a similar experience thatyou've had, or to just offer it
(35:32):
in some way of service, right?
That was the only way I felttruly comfortable doing that
with her.
And, you know, in ourday-to-day friendship, we would
just be texting each other andkind of like griping about
whatever's going on in the day.
But the podcast was a spacewhere we really sat down, slowed
down, and focused on one topictogether.
(35:53):
And it was one of the bestparts of our friendship.
And I will miss it, but I'mreally sad about it and it's a
huge loss, and I'm grieving it.
Um I felt really seen andconnected with her in here.
And it feels weird to continueon without her.
(36:13):
And I'm sure it's weird for allof you.
But I think it's time for achange.
So thank you so much, littlehelpers, for going on this huge
journey together.
And we're gonna have so manymore exciting episodes and
topics and places, and God knowswhere my life is gonna go.
(36:34):
I mean, I have we're trying tofind a surrogate right now for
the second child and buildingcool of mind and trying to be an
entrepreneur after being just,you know, a woman behind the
scenes.
So there's gonna be so muchahead.
So if you've appreciated thepodcasts for all of our five
years before, or even if you'rejust jumping in and are here for
(36:58):
this next phase, this nextjourney, please subscribe and
leave a five-star review onApple Podcasts or Spotify.
And even better, share thiswith a friend.
Talk to you soon.
See you next week.
By accessing this podcast, youacknowledge that the host of
this podcast makes no warranty,guarantee, or representation as
(37:21):
to the accuracy or sufficiencyof information featured in this
podcast.
The information, opinions, andrecommendations presented in
this podcast are for generalinformation purposes only, and
any reliance on the informationprovided in this podcast is done
at your own risk.
This podcast and any and allcontent or services available on
or through this podcast areprovided for general,
(37:43):
non-commercial informationalpurposes only, and do not
constitute the practice of anymedical or any professional
judgment, advice, diagnosis, ortreatment, and should not be
considered or used as asubstitute for the independent
professional judgment, advice,diagnosis, or treatment of a
duly licensed and qualifiedhealthcare provider.
In case of a medical emergency,you should immediately call
(38:06):
911.
The host does not endorse,approve, recommend, or certify
any information, product,process, service, or
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And information from thispodcast should not be referenced
in any way to imply suchapproval or endorsement.
Thank you.
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