December 25, 2023 • 22 mins
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S6 BONUS II - Introducing Santa Maybe, A Criminal
CW/TW - holly jolly follies. This show/episode does contain satire and the only character based on a real person is Santa Claus. Any other names or likenesses are purely coincidental.
Santa Maybe, a Criminal is a limited true-crime satire podcast created by Jason Usry.This is the "First Day of Christmas" - "A Partridge in a Pine Tree"...When Santa Claus is provided hunch punch instead of his usual milk and cookies he finds himself on the other side of the law in a small south Georgia town. What's worse is... he's not just suspected of a DUI; he's suspected of vehicular manslaughter. The victim? Ruthie Barker Guest, a grandma delivering scuppernong preserves to her neighbors on County Line Road. Richie Buck, a pest control technician, carpenter and wise man in his church's Christmas program learns of this and is determined that Santa is innocent and should be freed.
CREDITS -
Head Elf, Jason Usry. Co-Executive elves:Rebekah Sebastian, host of DIE-ALOGUE a true crime conversation. Dr. Shiloh Catanese & Dr. Scott Musgrove - hosts of the LA Not So Confidential Podcast...and our legal elf Michelle Kaz.
It is written and produced by Jason Usry.Besides host Richie Buck, this week’s cast includes (in order of appearance)…Santa Claus voiced by Pat PiconeRodney Dale Murphy voiced by Frank Barnas – follow his podcast Voca Vacay to hear about his and his wife Marie’s travels around the globe.Sheriff Bradley Dewberry voiced by Kevin Grogan – follow his podcast End of Watch with Bootsy + Sal to hear he and his co-host Lou Valoze’s unfiltered take on current law enforcement topics.
Get extra content by subscribing to the Santa Maybe, a Criminal Patreon Page.
Music and Sound FX sourced through Epidemic Sound, Soundstripe, Audiio, Motion Array, and Audioblocks.
Additional music and atmospheres are provided by Captain Fathands.
Santa Maybe, a Criminal is an Ear Cult Production and is distributed in association with Glassbox Media with support from Crawlspace Media and all the creators included here.Instagram: @santamaybeTwitter: @santamaybeFacebook: @SantaMaybePodcast
Thanks and until next time, remember: BE. NICE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
An afarious nightmare contains themes that maybe explicit or triggering. For some specific
warnings and disclaimers will be mentioned inthe show notes. An a farious nightmare
assumes all parties that are mentioned inthese cases to be innocent unless proven guilty
in a court of law. Listenerdiscretion is strongly advised. You can help
us grow the show by leaving usa five star written review on Apple podcast
(00:21):
or Spotify, or you can joinour Patreon for lighthearted bonus content with this.
Welcome to season six. Hey everyone, Week two of Our Little Break
and It's Christmas, which probably meansthat right about now, Amanda's getting wine
drunk and watching children terrorize our houseand you know, leaving trash and wrapping
(00:42):
paper everywhere. Yeah right, thereis no way. I'm probably wine trunk.
Not me, not at all.I don't do that. I'm not
probably wine drunk. I'm definitely winetrunk. Yeah. Okay, So today's
episode is about a partridge and apine tree, not a pear tree,
(01:03):
so, not a fir tree,not any other evergreen tree, but a
pine tree. Amanda, does thereseem to be a problem? Sorry,
I think this is actually Southern comfortpartridge and a pear tree. I heard
you the first time. Oh mygod, it's a pine. Okay,
(01:23):
So, while Amanda is experiencing thejoy of the liquid Holy Spirits, we
wanted to introduce you all to JasonUsri aka Ritchie Buck of Santa Maybe a
Criminal. This is a limited crimesatire podcast about the holly jolly follies that
Richie Buck experiences each day in allseriousness. Please listen and head on over
(01:45):
to Santa May Be a Criminal andhit subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts.
Make sure you leave a five starrating and review and tell him how
awesome he is with that. Hereis Santa May be a Criminal. This
(02:31):
podcast is made possible by Better Elf. Are you having trouble with your life?
Is the stress of shopping for theholidays a bit much? Right now?
How about the all consuming dread offamily coming over for Christmas? Well,
you ain't alone. Better Elf ishere to help you become the elf
you were always meant to be.You can speak to a licensed therapist at
a time that's convenient for you.They're around when you're sleeping and even when
(02:53):
you're awake, every single day,even on Christmas ain't that a gift?
And right now for listeners of thispodcast, you can get twelve percent off
of Better Elf, So why wait? Have high elf esteem and discover the
best version of yourself with Better Elf. It's advertising a satire and that elf
(03:16):
is not a real product. Ifyou email health services, reach out to
a licensed professional appall one hundred andsixty to help. This program contains talk
about criminal activity. It may painta not so flattering picture of one of
(03:38):
your childhood heroes. It even includesa few cusswords and may not be appropriate
for your young uns, so youmight want to ear muff them or send
them outside to play. Thanks forlistening. The following is a collect call
from a person for privatizing asatility.Yep, you heard that right, Santa
(04:05):
Claus. My name's Richie Buck.I'm a pest control technician, carpenter,
sometimes wise man in my church Christmasprogram and as unbelievable as it might sound,
I'm here to save Christmas. Thisis an ear cult production brought to
(04:31):
an association with Cross Space Media.Santa may be a criminal A twelve part
Yule Tide investigation and this is thefirst day of Christmas. A partridge and
(04:57):
a pine tree. It all startedalmost a year ago on Christmas Day when
(05:19):
a story fell into my lap hardlike a fat kid on a mall.
Santa, You see, my cousinhad a life changing experience on Christmas Eve.
It was that damn bird. That'sRodney Dale Murphy. He's my mama's
(05:42):
brother's son. Rodney his wife Lyndalive on a twelve acre plot of land.
Some would say it's in the middleof nowhere or b f e around
here. We just say it's inthe county. He'd been outside our bedroom
windows since Thanksgiving, just a chirpingand a chirping, And it was Christmas
Eve. I could tell the incidentwas still fresh on his mind. Anyhow.
(06:04):
I wanted to get to sleep,so Santa would come on and bring
me them cammel waiters I'd ask for. I'd been real good so far too,
no rest or anything the whole year. It was no secret in our
family. Rodney was a troublemaker.He'd had his run ends with the law.
(06:25):
He almost expected to call at twoo'clock on a Saturday morning. You'd
have to go up to the jailand bail his ass out. But he
was right. This year he'd beengood, or as Santa had reckon he
was on the nice list. Rodneyoffers me a cigarette. I refuse,
but he lights on up makes memiss the day as I used to smoke.
(06:54):
Anyhow, we'd had a little shindig that evening. Linda tucked the
kids in and realized we didn't haveno milk. I was like, shit,
what do we do now? Imean, we had the cookies,
but you ever tried to eat oneof Linda's peanut butter cookies without milk?
I had, and he was right, it was damn near impossible. It
(07:16):
was like a quick sand got inyour gullet. Why don't you go to
the store. I wish I coulddescribe the look Rodney gave me after this
question. It was sort of crossbetween you're kidding me and what plan are
you on? Then? You knowwhat? Gators is closed after eight on
Christmas Eve. Besides, neither ofus should have been driving anyway, not
(07:41):
that that ever stopped them before,or any of us for that matter.
But I ain't here to throw coalanyhow. Gators was a legendary store in
the county. How's it going anymaters up and home of the best damn
frieda maters you ever hate, Thankyou y'all to do. I'll be back
for beer in a little bit.Unfortunately, where there's friars, there's smoke,
(08:03):
and where there's smoke, it burneddown four or five times, only
to rebuild bigger and better with morefryer space than before. But that's when
I had the idea. Rodney leadsme over to a red and white cooler,
one of those textured feeling ones thatstay on front porches in the South,
(08:28):
Like if you pick it up,there's a perfect clean cooler shaped rectangle
next to the rocking chair that thingsseen better days, ain't it. He
opens the lid and wham, I'mslapped in the face by the smell of
hooch. The strong stuff took afew seconds from my eyes a hot water,
and but when they did, Iwas able to see what looked an
awful lot like pink lemonade. Iknew it wasn't, but I also knew
(08:50):
exactly what it was. Hunch punch. Want some were you rich kids or
Yankees out there? Hunch punch iswhat us rednecks like to mix together to
get a hell of a lot ofus drunk. On a weekend night.
It's a mixture of grain, alcohol, fruit bits juice, and when it's
made right, it'll sneak up onyou and pull your drawers down before you
(09:11):
even know it. Want some,damn it? I did, but I
decline, partially because it's ten am, but partially because I don't know how
long this particular batch has been sittingon this particular porch. But Rodney,
Rodney takes a drink. Oooh,make you want a tongue swipe your mama.
(09:35):
In case you haven't noticed, Rodney'san interesting fella. It's like I
was saying, we were out ofmilk, and I didn't know what in
the hell I was gonna do aboutthat. Gators was closed, so were
all the other stores in a thirtymile radius. But I didn't want to
upset Santa, so I got anidea. I had plenty of this left
(09:58):
over. Rodney goes on to tellme that since he and Linda were out
of milk on Christmas Eve, theydecided that Santa I could probably use something
a little stronger than drry. Bythe time he ended up at nineteen County
Line Road, we call that SouthernHospitality. I joined him in a couple
of nearby wooden rocking chairs, andhe explains how the rest of the night
unfolded he'd fallen asleep in this veryrocker. Then it was that damn bird.
(10:24):
The bird, as I learned,is a partridge. He'd seen it
nesting near the top of a seventyfive foot tall pine tree at the edge
of his woods, which was weirdbecause partridges don't fly at all. Maybe
they can climb now, I mean, things change, And every time I
threatened to shoot him, Linda wouldpitch a hiss. He did tell me
(10:46):
we couldn't kill a patridge during theholidays, that God would punish us,
and Santa wouldn't come. That's crazy, he'd come. You'd just get a
sack full of coal. Maybe thatbird had a death wish. If he
did, he found a hell ofa good spot. Well, the bastard
woke me up on Christmas Eve,so that's when I decided it was over
(11:07):
for him. Apparently, when thatpartridge in that pine tree woke him up
that night, Rodney figured Santa wouldbe none the wiser. He'd already seen
on the local news at Noah,that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association.
Not the dude with the arc wastracking him across the Atlantic. Ain't no
cell reception out there, he reckoned. No way he'd get the late addition
(11:28):
to the naughty list. He'd sufferit for next year. When I figured
Santa wouldn't know, I grabbed mytwelve gage and I marched my happy ass
right outside. That's when I seenit, what Rodney saw after the break.
(11:54):
It came from behind those trees overyonder. My cousin, Rodney Dale
Murphy's telling me about the unbelievable experiencehe had on Christmas Eve. It's the
whole reason I'm telling you this story. He's pointing out across his backyard,
past the rusting hull of a babyblue Camino, to a straight line of
planet pines. Sort of looked likeour high school marching band ready to play
(12:16):
Hey Baby on a Friday night.See, I walked out here and stood.
I guess I stood right about here. What time do you think it
was? I don't know, twelvethirty one. Anyhow, I aimed my
gun up at that tree right yonder. Wasn't it dark? There was that
look again? You know, Igot flashlights on all my guns. Besides,
(12:37):
I could hear him flitting around upthere. I was gonna end him.
Didn't give a shit what lind didsay. Then it appeared it.
You can't see Rodney, but he'slooking out over the tree line, cigarette
trembling, Twin's lips. I've knownsince I was born, and I can
(12:58):
tell he's telling me the God's honesttruth. Okay, what did it look
like? Well, it was likea bright red night. For a second,
I thought was just the hunch punchcatching up on me. Then I
thought it could have been a star, but it got closer than closer.
(13:20):
He trails off here as if he'strying to access an incomplete memory. Then
I woke up. Woke up,yep, you know how long he'd been
asleep? Asleep? I wasn't asleep. They knocked me out. My head
hurts something terrible. My ears wereringing. It was like those little bells
(13:41):
they put on the horses and thebeer commercials. Could they've been the bells
that sometimes end up on reindeer duringthe holidays. Are you trying to say
it was Santa knocked me out?Could it have been? Nah? I
don't think so. I just anunidentified flying object. You thought it was
(14:03):
a UFO. What else could itbe? Before I go on, there's
lots of us that think there mightbe aliens out there, and I guess
a UFO was not that crazy ofan assumption. It was Christmas Eve?
Could it have been Santa? Youthink I wouldn't know Santa? If I
seen him, I could tell Rodneywas losing his patience with me. We
(14:24):
were cousins, but we hadn't reallybeen close in years. I had to
try to get the interview back ontrack. He led me to his front
door. I come inside here andI noticed a few things ain't like they're
supposed to be. First of all, it smelled like nutmeg, and I
hate nutmeg. Second, I noticedthat our stockings were full, slap full
(14:50):
of charcoal, like for the grill. What else could I use it for?
But jokes on, Santa, Ineeded charcoal, just run out.
But as I looked around, Irealized there are other things that weren't right.
Shit was out of place, lookedlike we'd been robbed. There were
also some broken shingles on the floorin front of the fireplace. So I
went outside. That's when I sawwhat absolute hell my roof had seen.
(15:16):
I grabbed my phone and called thesheriff. I'm sure Bradley Newberry or the
scriven kind of Sheriff Department. SheriffDuberry is a towering man, the kind
who looks like he was either predestinedylaw enforcement or the kind that was supposed
to spend time on the inside.He has a thick salt and pepper mustache
spread over a tanned face, squarejawed, and solid. He looks like
(15:39):
he could easily thrive on either sideof the law. You know I'm here,
I do, and you don't mindme recording? Long? You don't
mind me recording? He points upat a CCTV camera in the corner of
the room, and I realize whereI am, the green metal chair,
I'm sitting in the dull, beigewalls. He was sitting right here with
me. The sheriff nods. I'dobsessively watched that interrogation video, trying to
(16:04):
read Sen's behaviors, trying to pickup the cues in a speech, trying
to understand that lack. Then oneday it disappeared from the World Wide Web.
Thankfully, before that happened, I'dsaved the videos onto my computer.
Still I had questions, did youhave the interviews removed from the internet?
He shakes his head while glancing atmy recorder. Then he folds his arm
(16:27):
as if he's not going to justhand over information. He expects me to
work for it, all right,Nobody said saving Christmas was going to be
easy. Can you walk me throughwhat happened that night? I was on
patrol near Little Rocket Creek. Ialways worded Christmas Eve into Christmas Morning.
But at least one of my deputiescan stay home with their family. That's
nice. We all trying to endup on that list, ain't we.
(16:48):
I went on the World Wide Weband figured out how to submit what was
called a foyer requests. For thoseof you who are knew at this,
that's a Freedom of Information Act request. It allows you to access all sorts
of hand and dandy information, policereports, maps, diagrams, charts,
and you've seen the dash can,dash can and body audio of the incident.
(17:15):
What in the h eeve double hockeysticks stopped the car got out?
Eleven o eight dispatch. I'm onoff County Line, my marker nine with
(17:36):
a signal seventy one. It's aslag slay, red in color, appears
to be unoccupied. I ain't joking. It looked like a wooden vanity plate.
M R Y c R M S. Mike Romeo, Yankee, charl
(17:59):
Romeo, So Mike Sierra, notag and approach the this vehicle, this
this sleigh. Easy, easy,And that's where my phone rang. Hello
(18:19):
Rodney, when the hell do youwant? What Rodney didn't know is that
the sheriff was dealing with something ahell of a lot more serious that was
slightly damaged. Ry next time onSanta, maybe a criminal? What exactly
(18:44):
Sheriff Doberry found at the scene ofthe stop sleigh and how he got a
jolly man in a big red suitinto custody. Plus the department's best detective
is assigned to the case, andafter looking at the first bits of evidence,
I have to confront the possibility thatSanta may be a criminal. Santa
(19:08):
may be a criminal was conceived inthe Christmas section of a hobby lobby in
Valdosta, Georgia by head Elf JasonNussery, Co Executive Elves Rebecca Sebastian,
doctor Shiloh Catanese, Michelle Kasuba,doctor Scott Musgrove and a few more rogue
elves. Stay up to date andensure your space on the Nice List by
(19:32):
leaving us a five star rating whereveryour ears are right now, then go
and rate us five stars everywhere else. The show is written by Jasonussry and
hosted by Richie Buck editing support byDick Buck, Sound design by Ricardo Buck,
show art by Richard Buck the third. Music and sound effects licensed by
(19:56):
paying through the Nose to multiple royaltyfree music and sound effects providers, not
the least of which are Epidemic Sound, Motion Array and Sound Strike. Additional
musical contributions at slay by Captain Fatthands. To check out the cast for this
episode, as well as their otherprojects, visit the show notes and check
(20:18):
out Santa Maybe dot com. Youcan also add people to the Nodier Nice
List by email in the North Poleat workshop at Santa Maybe dot com.
Santa Maybe a Criminal is an earcult production presented in association with the Cross
Based Media Network. Hey everyone,Jason head off here and I want to
(20:49):
slow it down for a moment forsome real talk. While we're having a
sleigh full of fun with the show, we wanted to take a quick moment
to recognize an important nonprofit organization inthe true crime community this week. It's
an organization that I'm proud to bea small part of. It's crime Stoppers.
Crime Stoppers is comprised of hundreds oflocal crime Stoppers programs just in the
(21:10):
United States, including my local chapter. Local crime stoppers programs are nonprofit organizations
led by citizens against crime and isbased on the principle that someone other than
the criminal has information that can solvea crime. It's one of the best
ways to keep your neighborhood safe.Visit crime Stoppers USA dot org to find
a local chapter and learn how youcan get involved. Catch you next week,
(21:33):
and always remember be nice. Thankyou for listening to A Nefarious Nightmare.
(22:11):
Music used in the theme was originallyby ghost Stories Incorporated, remixed by
Ryan rc X Murphy. Additional backgroundmusic is provided by Epidemic Sound. A
Nefarious Nightmare is scripted, researched,and produced by Courtney Fenner and Amanda Cronin.
I'm Lanie Hobbs and as always,be vigilant for when you mess with
(22:32):
the bees, you get the hive.
An afarious nightmare contains themes that maybe explicit or triggering. For some specific
warnings and disclaimers will be mentioned inthe show notes. An a farious nightmare
assumes all parties that are mentioned inthese cases to be innocent unless proven guilty
in a court of law. Listenerdiscretion is strongly advised. You can help
us grow the show by leaving usa five star written review on Apple podcast
(00:21):
or Spotify, or you can joinour Patreon for lighthearted bonus content with this.
Welcome to season six. Hey everyone, Week two of Our Little Break
and It's Christmas, which probably meansthat right about now, Amanda's getting wine
drunk and watching children terrorize our houseand you know, leaving trash and wrapping
(00:42):
paper everywhere. Yeah right, thereis no way. I'm probably wine trunk.
Not me, not at all.I don't do that. I'm not
probably wine drunk. I'm definitely winetrunk. Yeah. Okay, So today's
episode is about a partridge and apine tree, not a pear tree,
(01:03):
so, not a fir tree,not any other evergreen tree, but a
pine tree. Amanda, does thereseem to be a problem? Sorry,
I think this is actually Southern comfortpartridge and a pear tree. I heard
you the first time. Oh mygod, it's a pine. Okay,
(01:23):
So, while Amanda is experiencing thejoy of the liquid Holy Spirits, we
wanted to introduce you all to JasonUsri aka Ritchie Buck of Santa Maybe a
Criminal. This is a limited crimesatire podcast about the holly jolly follies that
Richie Buck experiences each day in allseriousness. Please listen and head on over
(01:45):
to Santa May Be a Criminal andhit subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts.
Make sure you leave a five starrating and review and tell him how
awesome he is with that. Hereis Santa May be a Criminal. This
(02:31):
podcast is made possible by Better Elf. Are you having trouble with your life?
Is the stress of shopping for theholidays a bit much? Right now?
How about the all consuming dread offamily coming over for Christmas? Well,
you ain't alone. Better Elf ishere to help you become the elf
you were always meant to be.You can speak to a licensed therapist at
a time that's convenient for you.They're around when you're sleeping and even when
(02:53):
you're awake, every single day,even on Christmas ain't that a gift?
And right now for listeners of thispodcast, you can get twelve percent off
of Better Elf, So why wait? Have high elf esteem and discover the
best version of yourself with Better Elf. It's advertising a satire and that elf
(03:16):
is not a real product. Ifyou email health services, reach out to
a licensed professional appall one hundred andsixty to help. This program contains talk
about criminal activity. It may painta not so flattering picture of one of
(03:38):
your childhood heroes. It even includesa few cusswords and may not be appropriate
for your young uns, so youmight want to ear muff them or send
them outside to play. Thanks forlistening. The following is a collect call
from a person for privatizing asatility.Yep, you heard that right, Santa
(04:05):
Claus. My name's Richie Buck.I'm a pest control technician, carpenter,
sometimes wise man in my church Christmasprogram and as unbelievable as it might sound,
I'm here to save Christmas. Thisis an ear cult production brought to
(04:31):
an association with Cross Space Media.Santa may be a criminal A twelve part
Yule Tide investigation and this is thefirst day of Christmas. A partridge and
(04:57):
a pine tree. It all startedalmost a year ago on Christmas Day when
(05:19):
a story fell into my lap hardlike a fat kid on a mall.
Santa, You see, my cousinhad a life changing experience on Christmas Eve.
It was that damn bird. That'sRodney Dale Murphy. He's my mama's
(05:42):
brother's son. Rodney his wife Lyndalive on a twelve acre plot of land.
Some would say it's in the middleof nowhere or b f e around
here. We just say it's inthe county. He'd been outside our bedroom
windows since Thanksgiving, just a chirpingand a chirping, And it was Christmas
Eve. I could tell the incidentwas still fresh on his mind. Anyhow.
(06:04):
I wanted to get to sleep,so Santa would come on and bring
me them cammel waiters I'd ask for. I'd been real good so far too,
no rest or anything the whole year. It was no secret in our
family. Rodney was a troublemaker.He'd had his run ends with the law.
(06:25):
He almost expected to call at twoo'clock on a Saturday morning. You'd
have to go up to the jailand bail his ass out. But he
was right. This year he'd beengood, or as Santa had reckon he
was on the nice list. Rodneyoffers me a cigarette. I refuse,
but he lights on up makes memiss the day as I used to smoke.
(06:54):
Anyhow, we'd had a little shindig that evening. Linda tucked the
kids in and realized we didn't haveno milk. I was like, shit,
what do we do now? Imean, we had the cookies,
but you ever tried to eat oneof Linda's peanut butter cookies without milk?
I had, and he was right, it was damn near impossible. It
(07:16):
was like a quick sand got inyour gullet. Why don't you go to
the store. I wish I coulddescribe the look Rodney gave me after this
question. It was sort of crossbetween you're kidding me and what plan are
you on? Then? You knowwhat? Gators is closed after eight on
Christmas Eve. Besides, neither ofus should have been driving anyway, not
(07:41):
that that ever stopped them before,or any of us for that matter.
But I ain't here to throw coalanyhow. Gators was a legendary store in
the county. How's it going anymaters up and home of the best damn
frieda maters you ever hate, Thankyou y'all to do. I'll be back
for beer in a little bit.Unfortunately, where there's friars, there's smoke,
(08:03):
and where there's smoke, it burneddown four or five times, only
to rebuild bigger and better with morefryer space than before. But that's when
I had the idea. Rodney leadsme over to a red and white cooler,
one of those textured feeling ones thatstay on front porches in the South,
(08:28):
Like if you pick it up,there's a perfect clean cooler shaped rectangle
next to the rocking chair that thingsseen better days, ain't it. He
opens the lid and wham, I'mslapped in the face by the smell of
hooch. The strong stuff took afew seconds from my eyes a hot water,
and but when they did, Iwas able to see what looked an
awful lot like pink lemonade. Iknew it wasn't, but I also knew
(08:50):
exactly what it was. Hunch punch. Want some were you rich kids or
Yankees out there? Hunch punch iswhat us rednecks like to mix together to
get a hell of a lot ofus drunk. On a weekend night.
It's a mixture of grain, alcohol, fruit bits juice, and when it's
made right, it'll sneak up onyou and pull your drawers down before you
(09:11):
even know it. Want some,damn it? I did, but I
decline, partially because it's ten am, but partially because I don't know how
long this particular batch has been sittingon this particular porch. But Rodney,
Rodney takes a drink. Oooh,make you want a tongue swipe your mama.
(09:35):
In case you haven't noticed, Rodney'san interesting fella. It's like I
was saying, we were out ofmilk, and I didn't know what in
the hell I was gonna do aboutthat. Gators was closed, so were
all the other stores in a thirtymile radius. But I didn't want to
upset Santa, so I got anidea. I had plenty of this left
(09:58):
over. Rodney goes on to tellme that since he and Linda were out
of milk on Christmas Eve, theydecided that Santa I could probably use something
a little stronger than drry. Bythe time he ended up at nineteen County
Line Road, we call that SouthernHospitality. I joined him in a couple
of nearby wooden rocking chairs, andhe explains how the rest of the night
unfolded he'd fallen asleep in this veryrocker. Then it was that damn bird.
(10:24):
The bird, as I learned,is a partridge. He'd seen it
nesting near the top of a seventyfive foot tall pine tree at the edge
of his woods, which was weirdbecause partridges don't fly at all. Maybe
they can climb now, I mean, things change, And every time I
threatened to shoot him, Linda wouldpitch a hiss. He did tell me
(10:46):
we couldn't kill a patridge during theholidays, that God would punish us,
and Santa wouldn't come. That's crazy, he'd come. You'd just get a
sack full of coal. Maybe thatbird had a death wish. If he
did, he found a hell ofa good spot. Well, the bastard
woke me up on Christmas Eve,so that's when I decided it was over
(11:07):
for him. Apparently, when thatpartridge in that pine tree woke him up
that night, Rodney figured Santa wouldbe none the wiser. He'd already seen
on the local news at Noah,that's the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association.
Not the dude with the arc wastracking him across the Atlantic. Ain't no
cell reception out there, he reckoned. No way he'd get the late addition
(11:28):
to the naughty list. He'd sufferit for next year. When I figured
Santa wouldn't know, I grabbed mytwelve gage and I marched my happy ass
right outside. That's when I seenit, what Rodney saw after the break.
(11:54):
It came from behind those trees overyonder. My cousin, Rodney Dale
Murphy's telling me about the unbelievable experiencehe had on Christmas Eve. It's the
whole reason I'm telling you this story. He's pointing out across his backyard,
past the rusting hull of a babyblue Camino, to a straight line of
planet pines. Sort of looked likeour high school marching band ready to play
(12:16):
Hey Baby on a Friday night.See, I walked out here and stood.
I guess I stood right about here. What time do you think it
was? I don't know, twelvethirty one. Anyhow, I aimed my
gun up at that tree right yonder. Wasn't it dark? There was that
look again? You know, Igot flashlights on all my guns. Besides,
(12:37):
I could hear him flitting around upthere. I was gonna end him.
Didn't give a shit what lind didsay. Then it appeared it.
You can't see Rodney, but he'slooking out over the tree line, cigarette
trembling, Twin's lips. I've knownsince I was born, and I can
(12:58):
tell he's telling me the God's honesttruth. Okay, what did it look
like? Well, it was likea bright red night. For a second,
I thought was just the hunch punchcatching up on me. Then I
thought it could have been a star, but it got closer than closer.
(13:20):
He trails off here as if he'strying to access an incomplete memory. Then
I woke up. Woke up,yep, you know how long he'd been
asleep? Asleep? I wasn't asleep. They knocked me out. My head
hurts something terrible. My ears wereringing. It was like those little bells
(13:41):
they put on the horses and thebeer commercials. Could they've been the bells
that sometimes end up on reindeer duringthe holidays. Are you trying to say
it was Santa knocked me out?Could it have been? Nah? I
don't think so. I just anunidentified flying object. You thought it was
(14:03):
a UFO. What else could itbe? Before I go on, there's
lots of us that think there mightbe aliens out there, and I guess
a UFO was not that crazy ofan assumption. It was Christmas Eve?
Could it have been Santa? Youthink I wouldn't know Santa? If I
seen him, I could tell Rodneywas losing his patience with me. We
(14:24):
were cousins, but we hadn't reallybeen close in years. I had to
try to get the interview back ontrack. He led me to his front
door. I come inside here andI noticed a few things ain't like they're
supposed to be. First of all, it smelled like nutmeg, and I
hate nutmeg. Second, I noticedthat our stockings were full, slap full
(14:50):
of charcoal, like for the grill. What else could I use it for?
But jokes on, Santa, Ineeded charcoal, just run out.
But as I looked around, Irealized there are other things that weren't right.
Shit was out of place, lookedlike we'd been robbed. There were
also some broken shingles on the floorin front of the fireplace. So I
went outside. That's when I sawwhat absolute hell my roof had seen.
(15:16):
I grabbed my phone and called thesheriff. I'm sure Bradley Newberry or the
scriven kind of Sheriff Department. SheriffDuberry is a towering man, the kind
who looks like he was either predestinedylaw enforcement or the kind that was supposed
to spend time on the inside.He has a thick salt and pepper mustache
spread over a tanned face, squarejawed, and solid. He looks like
(15:39):
he could easily thrive on either sideof the law. You know I'm here,
I do, and you don't mindme recording? Long? You don't
mind me recording? He points upat a CCTV camera in the corner of
the room, and I realize whereI am, the green metal chair,
I'm sitting in the dull, beigewalls. He was sitting right here with
me. The sheriff nods. I'dobsessively watched that interrogation video, trying to
(16:04):
read Sen's behaviors, trying to pickup the cues in a speech, trying
to understand that lack. Then oneday it disappeared from the World Wide Web.
Thankfully, before that happened, I'dsaved the videos onto my computer.
Still I had questions, did youhave the interviews removed from the internet?
He shakes his head while glancing atmy recorder. Then he folds his arm
(16:27):
as if he's not going to justhand over information. He expects me to
work for it, all right,Nobody said saving Christmas was going to be
easy. Can you walk me throughwhat happened that night? I was on
patrol near Little Rocket Creek. Ialways worded Christmas Eve into Christmas Morning.
But at least one of my deputiescan stay home with their family. That's
nice. We all trying to endup on that list, ain't we.
(16:48):
I went on the World Wide Weband figured out how to submit what was
called a foyer requests. For thoseof you who are knew at this,
that's a Freedom of Information Act request. It allows you to access all sorts
of hand and dandy information, policereports, maps, diagrams, charts,
and you've seen the dash can,dash can and body audio of the incident.
(17:15):
What in the h eeve double hockeysticks stopped the car got out?
Eleven o eight dispatch. I'm onoff County Line, my marker nine with
(17:36):
a signal seventy one. It's aslag slay, red in color, appears
to be unoccupied. I ain't joking. It looked like a wooden vanity plate.
M R Y c R M S. Mike Romeo, Yankee, charl
(17:59):
Romeo, So Mike Sierra, notag and approach the this vehicle, this
this sleigh. Easy, easy,And that's where my phone rang. Hello
(18:19):
Rodney, when the hell do youwant? What Rodney didn't know is that
the sheriff was dealing with something ahell of a lot more serious that was
slightly damaged. Ry next time onSanta, maybe a criminal? What exactly
(18:44):
Sheriff Doberry found at the scene ofthe stop sleigh and how he got a
jolly man in a big red suitinto custody. Plus the department's best detective
is assigned to the case, andafter looking at the first bits of evidence,
I have to confront the possibility thatSanta may be a criminal. Santa
(19:08):
may be a criminal was conceived inthe Christmas section of a hobby lobby in
Valdosta, Georgia by head Elf JasonNussery, Co Executive Elves Rebecca Sebastian,
doctor Shiloh Catanese, Michelle Kasuba,doctor Scott Musgrove and a few more rogue
elves. Stay up to date andensure your space on the Nice List by
(19:32):
leaving us a five star rating whereveryour ears are right now, then go
and rate us five stars everywhere else. The show is written by Jasonussry and
hosted by Richie Buck editing support byDick Buck, Sound design by Ricardo Buck,
show art by Richard Buck the third. Music and sound effects licensed by
(19:56):
paying through the Nose to multiple royaltyfree music and sound effects providers, not
the least of which are Epidemic Sound, Motion Array and Sound Strike. Additional
musical contributions at slay by Captain Fatthands. To check out the cast for this
episode, as well as their otherprojects, visit the show notes and check
(20:18):
out Santa Maybe dot com. Youcan also add people to the Nodier Nice
List by email in the North Poleat workshop at Santa Maybe dot com.
Santa Maybe a Criminal is an earcult production presented in association with the Cross
Based Media Network. Hey everyone,Jason head off here and I want to
(20:49):
slow it down for a moment forsome real talk. While we're having a
sleigh full of fun with the show, we wanted to take a quick moment
to recognize an important nonprofit organization inthe true crime community this week. It's
an organization that I'm proud to bea small part of. It's crime Stoppers.
Crime Stoppers is comprised of hundreds oflocal crime Stoppers programs just in the
(21:10):
United States, including my local chapter. Local crime stoppers programs are nonprofit organizations
led by citizens against crime and isbased on the principle that someone other than
the criminal has information that can solvea crime. It's one of the best
ways to keep your neighborhood safe.Visit crime Stoppers USA dot org to find
a local chapter and learn how youcan get involved. Catch you next week,
(21:33):
and always remember be nice. Thankyou for listening to A Nefarious Nightmare.
(22:11):
Music used in the theme was originallyby ghost Stories Incorporated, remixed by
Ryan rc X Murphy. Additional backgroundmusic is provided by Epidemic Sound. A
Nefarious Nightmare is scripted, researched,and produced by Courtney Fenner and Amanda Cronin.
I'm Lanie Hobbs and as always,be vigilant for when you mess with
(22:32):
the bees, you get the hive.
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