March 5, 2024 • 31 mins
Have you ever stood at the edge of despair and wondered if there was a way back to hope and healing? Jamie Martinez, biblical counselor and podcast host, joins us to share her remarkable journey through the darkest valleys to the brightest peaks of faith. Her testimony, woven with vulnerability and grace, addresses the hushed struggles with perfectionism, substance abuse, and the aftermath of sexual assault. It's a story that cracks open the doors to the raw realities of mental torment and the profound liberation found in surrendering one's life to Jesus.
Content Warning: This episode contains brief mentions of sexual abuse, suicide attempt and drug use. Listeners are encouraged to approach the content with discernment, listening at their own pace and only if they feel equipped to do so.
Connect with Jamie Martinez
- Podcast: Living Loved podcast
- Instagram: @livinglovedbyjamie
✨NEW HERE? ✨ Meet Jemese LaChel Drewery, LCSW, CCTP - Spirit-filled trauma expert and host of A New Creation Podcast. Through Christ-centered conversations and inspiring testimonies, Jemese guides women to healing, deeper faith, and freedom in Jesus Christ.
🎙 Do you have a faith story to share? Tap here and be our next guest!
CONNECT WITH JEMESE:
📸 Instagram: @jemeselachel
📘 Facebook: fb.com/graceabidesco
🧠 Counseling: graceabides.co
🌱 Mentorship: jemeselachel.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I was thinking man, I didn't even get to meet my
future kids, I didn't even getto man, I didn't get to see that
relationship improve.
I just all the regret and allthe it just flooded my head and
I remember trying to cling onlike no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't wanna die, I don'twanna die.
["i'm Not a Man"].
Speaker 2 (00:26):
["i'm Not a Man"].
Welcome to a new creationpodcast where we are pointing
women towards victory in Christ,one Jesus story at a time.
My name is Jimmy Slashal.
I'm your host.
Let's dive right in.
Before we get too much furtherinto this episode, I'd like to
add a content warning right herefor the listener.
We do speak candidly, my guestsand I.
(00:48):
We talk about rape, we talkabout demonic oppression.
We talk about suicide attempt.
We talk about substance use.
If you know that that issomething that you are sensitive
to, then please use good godlydiscernment before you listen.
I wanna say personally that thisis one of the most powerful
(01:09):
interviews that I have conductedon this podcast.
What we need more of in thebody of Christ is transparency.
We need more conversationsabout mental health and what
people are actually dealing withand how they got through it,
how to make this hope of Jesustangible.
Right, we hear about Jesus andJesus is the way, but how do you
(01:32):
actually walk that out so thatyour life is transformed, so
that you're actually free frommental torment?
We're gonna get into all ofthat.
My guest, Jamie, is gonna shareher story.
Let's go.
Feels like I'm meeting one ofmy social media friends For the
first time.
The internet is just so cooljust being able to do this.
But I wanna introduce Jamie.
(01:54):
I just so highly respectedJamie's work and what she's
doing and it's such an honor tohave you here with us today,
Jamie.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Oh, it's such an honor to be here.
I am so excited.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I could blabber on about what I know of you, but
tell us a little bit about whoyou are, your work and I know
you have a podcast.
We'll share all of that juicystuff at the end of this episode
, but tell us a little bit aboutJamie.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Yeah, so I'm Jamie Martinez.
I'm a biblical counselor andthe host of Living Love, the
podcast where we talk about howto walk in your God-given
identity, and that's the focusof the biblical counseling
sessions.
And I work with kiddos rangingfrom age seven and I have up to
(02:47):
40, you know.
So I see a lot of broad range,but I love what I do because I
get to see God transform parts,even through listening on a
computer or on a phone, like Iget to see God transform parts,
and it's just I love it.
I love it so much.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yeah, and if I'm not mistaken, isn't this, wasn't
this a career change for you?
Weren't you doing somethingelse before God called you to
biblical counseling?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yes, I was actually a special education teacher.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
And yes, that's what I thought.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I adored those students so much Like those kids
were my babies and I wouldalways call them my babies.
Yeah, but when God calls Igotta be obedient.
And man, I'm so glad that I was.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Praise God.
Yeah, this is awesome.
I'm so excited.
Well, I wanna jump right intoyour testimony, but before we do
that, let's pray over ourlistener today.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
So, god, we come to you and just so thankful, lord,
that you are who you say you are, and God, that you're going to
be who you say you are.
And, lord, we pray for thelistener right now, lord, the
person listening that's underthe sound of our voices.
Father, I just pray thatthere's freedom and, god,
anything that's holding themback from experiencing true
(04:19):
freedom in you.
Lord, I break that off.
In the name of Jesus, I prayfor depression to be released,
suicidal thoughts to be released, lord, anything that is within
the testimony that you guided methrough, lord, would that be
their story?
God, would my testimony betheir prophecy?
And, father, I just I thank youso much for the bold heart
(04:42):
that's listening to this podcast.
I pray that these words be yourwords, the story be your story,
and it's only for your glory.
Lord, we do this through you,to you and for you.
Lord, we love you In Jesus'mighty name, amen.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Amen, amen.
So I like to start off withthis question what is your Jesus
story?
Tell us how you came to knowHim.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
All right.
Yeah, this is buckle up, that'sfor sure.
You got to put on.
You know what?
On the roller coaster, you putthings over your head too Like
this is a full blown.
You're going into flips and allthis thing.
It's going to be fun.
No, god changed me complete.
I am completely different fromwho I was 10 years ago.
(05:34):
I, growing up, I was always theoverachiever, I was always the
one achieving and perfectionism,I guess you could even say.
And Jamie and the word drugsnever belonged in the same
sentence.
Until senior year of highschool I started hanging out
(05:56):
with the wrong crowd, and thesewere kids that I knew that I
shouldn't have been hanging outwith, but I always felt alone.
So I was like, oh okay, well, Iguess I'll hang out with them,
you know, and they led me intodrinking excessively multiple
times a week to where I wasblack and out I didn't remember
(06:18):
it multiple times a week andvomiting from alcohol multiple
times a week and started smokingmarijuana, just to just to numb
out because I didn't know thatI had this deep hurt within me
and felt overlooked and notaccepted.
(06:38):
So I would do it to numb outand eventually, within that you
know that group I was introducedto a man that ended up sexually
abusing me, sexually assaulting, and I blamed myself for it.
I thought, you know, this is,if I just didn't allow that to
(07:01):
happen, maybe he wouldn't have.
If I just didn't step foot inthat place, maybe he wouldn't
have.
I blamed myself so much.
And then I spiraled downwards,spiraled.
I turned to sexual promiscuity,I turned to excessive drinking,
(07:24):
more times a week than not, bymyself.
I wasn't even around people.
Most of the time I was by myselfand just a deep, dark
depression, so much that mybrain kind of shut it out.
And I remember one night I wasliving by myself, which I
(07:46):
definitely shouldn't have,that's for sure.
I was severely depressed,suicidal.
I definitely shouldn't havelived by myself.
But I was laying there in bedand I was just so drunk that I
didn't know where I was.
I was just kind of laying thereand I started hallucinating.
That hallucination, which I nowknow was a demon, guaranteed
(08:12):
100%.
That was a demon that I waslooking at and I stared at it
and I remember, so sober, Ithought I've gone crazy, I'm man
, I've gone off the deep endbecause it's just sitting there
and man, it's creepiest,scariest, most evil thing I've
(08:34):
ever seen just stare back at mewith a smile and after staring
at it for what seemed like hours, it told me how to kill myself.
So finally, after hearing itover and over and over and over
and over, tell me how to.
(08:54):
I screamed.
I was like, fine, I'll do it.
And the voice stopped.
So I went and I attemptedShould not be alive today at all
.
No way I should be alive rightnow.
By the grace of God, I woke upthe next morning and I was so
(09:18):
defeated I was like man, I can'teven kill myself, right.
And I know that when I was kindof drifting off, I was thinking
man, I didn't even get to meetmy future kids.
I didn't even get to and Ididn't get to see that
relationship improve.
I just all the regret and allthe it just flooded my head and
(09:41):
I remember trying to cling on no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to die, don't wantto die.
Woke up the next morning Totallyflipped, like man I can't even
kill myself, right.
So I left that apartment.
I moved back in with my parentsbecause I was terrified.
I still saw that hallucinationwhenever I closed my eyes.
And let me tell you, I sat inmy bed for three days straight
(10:07):
and y'all are going to think I'mcrazy, but let this show how
much God can transform you.
I sat there pulling out myeyelashes so that I wouldn't
fall asleep, because that's howterrified I was of this thing.
I was insane and I said youknow what, fine, I'll fill up my
time doing things, becausemaybe that'll distract me,
(10:29):
because sitting here is notworking.
So I was like, okay, I'll gofill my time with that church
that my sister in law told meabout, because, okay, I'll try
to be a better person.
I went to the church and I justheard, as I was going in, all
the voices in my head sayingthat person hates you, that
(10:50):
person doesn't want you here,that person wants to kill you.
I just heard it swirling,paranoid, and I walk in and I
sit down.
I'm trembling from these voicestelling me like, nope, I got to
push through.
I got to push through and Ialmost got up and left, but I
didn't.
And in the message, I don'tremember what the message was
(11:11):
about.
To be honest, I was just sittingthere, I don't remember what it
was about, but the pastor, whoactually recently married me and
my husband, he stopped and heturned in a room full of a
thousand people and he pointedat me and he said God loves you
so much.
(11:32):
He hears your cries, he seesyour pain.
I lost it crying.
I was like what Wait?
The creator of everything hearsme.
No one else heard me.
No one answered my calls when Iwas going to kill myself.
No one else heard me, and thecreator does.
(11:53):
And he started crying, weeping,and he said there's a purpose
for your heartbeat and a reasonfor your pain.
That day and I have that I havea heartbeat tattooed over the
scar from where I attempted andthat day I gave my life to Jesus
.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Oh praise God.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
It didn't stop the hallucination.
The hallucinations got worseactually, which obviously
demonic attack.
But a few days later I was like, okay, I'll go to this student
night and they were talkingabout spiritual warfare.
And I went and I sat there andit's like he read my mail, it's
like he went into my brain.
(12:36):
He was like, hey, if you'restruggling with hallucinations,
thoughts of suicide, addiction,if you're struggling with all of
this, come down to the altarright now and get prayer.
I got up then even all's gettingup and I walked up there.
I was running in my my earswere just clouded with what felt
like static.
(12:56):
I couldn't hear anything.
I heard no, no, no, don't do it, Don't do it, don't do it.
And I ran up there and I justlifted my hands.
There's actually a picture ofit.
I lifted my hands and one oneof the women on the worship team
who's now one of my closefriends she came, put her hand
on my head, started praying veryintensely and people just
(13:19):
flooded and just started praying.
It lifted completely and sincethat day, not another
hallucination, not anothersuicide attempt.
Drop alcohol and I'm completelyfree.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Come on, god is so good.
Yes, oh, I feel the presence ofGod.
Yes, Wow.
And how old were you at thattime?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Oh, it was from 18 to 19.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Just one year, wow, wow it was.
It was the worst year, but alsothe best year.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Right Praise God, wow , wow, jamie oh it's powerful.
Yes, it is that is so powerful?
And I wonder I was.
I mean, we're just going, we'rejust flowing in this
conversation.
I wasn't planning on talkingabout this, but I wonder what do
(14:14):
you think about?
What do you think about peoplewho doubt if deliverance is for
today it is hard to hear a storylike yours and then also
believe that deliverance issomething to.
There's just a lot of feararound that.
(14:34):
Oh yeah, what do you thinkabout that?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I think there's fear because Hollywood portrays it as
they're going to flop on thefloor and start foaming at the
mouth, you know, and that's notwhat it is.
I mean, sure it could be overthere you know, but but what it
is is like surrendering.
What it is is like Obviously,there was significant demonic
(14:59):
influence significant, and itcame through different channels.
I know exactly how it came intomy life.
I know exactly how it did.
But if deliverance wasn't fornow, then you would see so many
people out there after leaving achurch service that didn't
experience anything, yeah, thatwere still bogged down in
(15:23):
addiction, that were stillsuicidal.
You know you would.
You would see so much more ofthat Deliverance.
There's such a misunderstandingof what it is and it might be
you cry, it might be you cough.
You know it looks different,but the deliverance is releasing
(15:45):
the attachment that anythingdemonic has a hold on.
But it's not, it's not scarywhat everyone thinks it is.
I cried, I sobbed my eyes out,but I remember it so clearly
yeah, so it's freeing, it's notscary, that's right, it's
freedom and and, honestly,deliverance is.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
It's Jesus.
It's an encounter with Jesus.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, and exactly he may.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
He may.
He may just lift it.
He may lift it with not asingle person around, because we
need Jesus.
It's Jesus who delivers, right,he will work through people,
but he, he can do it right therein your room by yourself.
Or he may say I need you to goto this church, to this group of
(16:28):
people, and you find it there.
And so it sounds like youdidn't even really you weren't
expecting that.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
No, not at all.
I was.
I was going into it like maybeI'll be a good person, maybe a
better person, but I leftbecause my heart was slightly
open to something.
God showed up and he showed.
And so, yeah, he showed me thathe was real and he showed me
(16:56):
like, hey, watch me, watch mework in your life.
See, you can trust me.
I know you can't trust anybodyelse in your life right now, but
you can trust me.
So when God shows up, man, itcould be in the shower, you know
it could be anywhere, but whenGod shows up, it's transforming.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
That's right, and so it's been just A deepening with
him and a journey with him sincethen.
I mean, like you are doing now.
I imagine you couldn't havepossibly guessed when you were
18, 19, that today that youwould be using your life to help
other people out of kind of thesame torment and things that
(17:40):
that you went through.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yeah, not at all.
If you asked me, I would beActing and singing and I was
going to be a music teacher, andit was just that.
No, I'm so glad I'm not.
I would have never guessed in amillion years that I would have
been a pastor and a biblicalcounselor.
(18:03):
Now, like never, never guessedthat.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Yeah, that's incredible.
And you, I was thinking justgetting ready for this episode.
I was just thinking of all the,the celebrations and things
that I've just seen you sharingon social social media your
wedding, becoming a worshippastor, I mean come on yeah.
And God has utilized all ofthat.
(18:28):
That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, god's man, god's man, God's.
Even when I don't feel likehe'll use me, he uses me and
it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Yeah.
So I don't know.
I just I wonder what you wouldtell someone who is kind of in
that Place of maybe doubt, whichI know you remember because
you've been, you've been therebefore just that place of, yeah,
I don't know how to get out ofthis.
(19:00):
I don't even know the firststep to take, like what, what do
you tell someone who's in aplace like that?
Speaker 1 (19:09):
That doubt is there for a reason.
But if you're like man, I don'teven know where to start.
Start with simply saying, god,help, I need help.
Start with God and reaching outto God and saying, lord, I need
(19:30):
you.
But even before that, maybe, ifyou're like you know, I don't
even know how.
What do I say?
How do I do it?
You know, get yourself aroundpeople that are God-loving
people.
Get yourself going to churchwhen you don't feel like you
want to, because there'sopposition that you're gonna
experience when you feel likeyou don't want to.
(19:51):
But it starts with prioritizingJesus, prioritizing God.
And if you're on the fence like, oh, is this God, God real?
If he wasn't, I'd be dead.
Come on, so he's real.
I can promise you 100%.
He's real and it's just, it'stime.
(20:15):
It's time to surrender, it'stime to say, god, I need you and
I need your help, help me.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yeah, and it's time to stop running.
I think sometimes we don't evenrecognize that we are in that
process of like you're justrunning from God, you know,
seeking out the next substanceyou can use or the next
relationship, or you know, likeeven these quote unquote good
things like career, sure, theseare all things that we use
(20:43):
sometimes to try to run awayfrom the pain, but and I know
you've seen it in your work it'slike we just can't do that.
It doesn't work that way.
You have to surrender thatstuff to him.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Yeah, it never works, never works out.
You can try, but there's aspecific God-shaped hole in your
heart that no substance, nosexual act, nothing can fill it.
Even if you try, it's not gonnahappen.
Not even gonna try to scratchthe surface of what God can do
to fill it.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Yeah, that's right.
So I know a lot of my listenershave a background or history of
like sexual trauma and I'mwondering how did the Lord take
you through that healing process?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Oh man, let me tell you it's an everyday decision to
forget.
It's sometimes it's easier thanothers, but it started with
anger.
I was beyond angry that ithappened.
I was beyond angry that I letit happen and then I shoved it
(21:53):
under the rug until I kepttripping over it and I realized,
man, this is not, this issomething that's huge.
I can't get over this alone.
I went to my pastor at the time.
He's him and his wife areawesome people.
I went to them and they walkedme through a.
I don't know if it was like adeliverance thing, but it was
(22:18):
more of like a let's talk aboutthe timeline, let's get it out.
You know, they were very, verygood about getting it out.
So that way it's exposed.
You know, and I know therapymodes will tell us to not talk
about the trauma that we wentthrough, which obviously we want
(22:38):
to prevent retraumatization.
You know.
But when you get to that pointwhere you're like I don't know
what to do, when you expose it,get it out there, it loses its
power.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
So you get it out there, you expose it.
It loses its power.
However, it still comes up.
Why?
Because the enemy likes toremind you of what happened.
The enemy likes to remind youof one of your darkest days, to
prevent you from running afterGod.
And that's where you take yourthoughts captive.
You say no, in the name ofJesus.
(23:10):
Nope, I'm choosing to focus onthe Lord.
I'm not choosing to focus backthere.
It's hard, but forgiveness Iknow.
You hear that, trust me, I wasthere.
You hear, like I just need toforgive.
No, I'm clicking off, I'm done.
Forgiving doesn't let them offthe hook.
Okay, they did what they did.
(23:32):
Forgiveness is like adouble-sided fishing hook.
You're on one side, the personwho hurts you is on the other,
and the more they weigh down,the more it just digs into you
and causes you pain.
What forgiveness is is it letsyou off the hook.
(23:52):
So that way, okay, I'm tired offeeling this pain and that
person still did what they did.
But it allows you to removeyourself from it and say, okay,
yes, that happened, but I needto regain control.
I need to regain control of mybody.
I need to regain controlbecause I can't just give God
(24:12):
leftovers, you know.
So it's a hard process andthere's no one answer.
But you need that person thatyou can divulge everything and
just say, hey, here's my, here'smy door.
Obviously, maybe a trainedChristian counselor would be
(24:34):
great.
But getting to a trainedChristian trauma counselor that
can walk you through it and walkyou through forgiveness and
leaving in the past andremembering when it comes up
throughout your day Nope, I'mremembering it, forgiven, I'm
remembering that.
It's just, it's in my past.
It hurt me, but look what Godused it for.
(24:56):
God will use it for good, Ipromise you.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
You will, yeah, you will, and I've seen it again and
again, and again, and he, heuses it in the most surprising
ways.
I found like, oh, I was just atthe, actually went to the dollar
store last night and I randomlyran into this lady who was like
she saw something that I saidon Facebook, because I'm very
(25:22):
transparent about my experiences, because I know that God uses
it Right.
And, yeah, she just shared howit blessed her.
And you know, it's justincredible.
You know somebody just in mycommunity who happened to see a
random post.
You know, it's the way that Godwants to use the pain is it's,
(25:43):
it's almost like it takes thesting away of the enemies trying
to to hold over your head.
Oh yeah, god will eliminatethat completely and now that
shame is just gone, you know, ohyeah.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
And I would tell people like I don't know some,
some friends that I developed oror close people, you know, I
would give them bits and piecesof it and I'd be trembling, I'd
be shaking, I'm like, ok, I'mgoing to stop there, let's stop.
But I met my husband and he wasactually my best friend for
(26:20):
like six years now.
And when I told him and justsaid this is what I've gone
through, this is why you mightsee some reactions from me that
seemed kind of outlandish, butthis is why you might see that.
And he was like, wow, I'm, I'mso sorry that happened to you.
I was trembling.
But then he just hugged me andjust sat there and and and
(26:43):
hugged me and when I realizedlike, ok, wow, he's not judging
me, this is great.
And then when I went and toldsomeone in a parking lot of the
gym because God, I crazy a storyI'll do spark notes version of
that.
But I was walking out of thegym I see this woman in her car
(27:03):
crying.
I'm like I'm kind of judging,not going to lie.
I'm like, ok, all right, you do.
You boo, got in the car, droveaway.
God said, turn around.
I did and I went and I walkedup to her and I said hey, this
is weird.
God told me to talk to you, areyou OK?
(27:25):
And she said no, I was justgreat the other day and I just
saw him in here and I was ableto share my story with her and
she came to know Jesus.
So I was trembling the wholetime, but that fear could have
prevented me from sharing thatand someone receiving Jesus.
(27:50):
So don't let the fear hold youback, because God is going to
use your story.
He's going to plant people inyour way that need to hear it.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Amen, yes, they will.
That is so beautiful and thatis so him I mean, he doesn't
waste anything.
I just say that over and overhe, he uses it all.
He uses it all, even the mostvile parts of your story.
You know the things that youthink are just so hideous and
vile.
He uses it and it becomes thisbeautiful thing you know beauty
(28:26):
for ashes.
It's just incredible knowinghim.
Wow, we kind of touched on this, but I usually wrap up with
what would you tell someone who,straight up, doesn't know Jesus
?
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Hmm, Someone who doesn't know Jesus.
So I can tell you that he islove.
And that's kind of confusing, Iknow.
But when you meet this Jesus,and when Jesus comes to meet you
(28:58):
too, it's the most overwhelmingfeeling of love that you will
ever feel.
And when you get into hispresence, oh my gosh it is.
It's indescribable, you can'tdescribe it.
But if you don't know Jesus,it's time to get to know him,
(29:21):
because he loves you.
His thoughts towards you aremore than every grain of sand on
every sea shore.
This Jesus, the Savior of theworld, loves you so much.
And, if I can echo what thepastor said to me, if you're
(29:43):
struggling, jesus says thatthere's a purpose for you,
there's a purpose for yourheartbeat, there's a reason why
you go through the trials,there's a reason for all of it.
But you just say God, I want toknow you.
If this is real, if you're outthere, hello, I want to know you
(30:05):
.
I want to know who you are andI need you because I can't do
this on my own.
But God is love, jesus is love,and he will show you that love
so deeply.
And you don't have to beperfect to come to him.
You don't have to be perfect.
You don't have to have yourstuff together, the ducks don't
(30:25):
have to be in a row, they don'teven have to be in the same pond
, okay, but God loves you justhow you are, so you can come to
him as you are right now.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Amen, so true and so good.
Thank you so much, jamie.
Thank you for your transparency.
I just appreciate that so muchbecause these are the things
that people are dealing with andthey're looking around and
they're like nobody's talkingabout this stuff.
So I appreciate yourtransparency and being willing
to share your story today.
(31:00):
Tell us how we can find you.
If someone listening wants toconnect with your work, when can
we find you at?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Absolutely so.
Living Loved by Jamie.
You can find me on anyInstagram or Facebook or any
social media that you enjoyLiving Loved by Jamie and you
can find my podcast Living Loveon Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yes, and I will include all of those links and
the show notes or wherever youare listening, yes, so thank you
so much, jamie.
This has been such a blessing.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
Thank you life.
I was thinking man, I didn't even get to meet my
future kids, I didn't even getto man, I didn't get to see that
relationship improve.
I just all the regret and allthe it just flooded my head and
I remember trying to cling onlike no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't wanna die, I don'twanna die.
["i'm Not a Man"].
Speaker 2 (00:26):
["i'm Not a Man"].
Welcome to a new creationpodcast where we are pointing
women towards victory in Christ,one Jesus story at a time.
My name is Jimmy Slashal.
I'm your host.
Let's dive right in.
Before we get too much furtherinto this episode, I'd like to
add a content warning right herefor the listener.
We do speak candidly, my guestsand I.
(00:48):
We talk about rape, we talkabout demonic oppression.
We talk about suicide attempt.
We talk about substance use.
If you know that that issomething that you are sensitive
to, then please use good godlydiscernment before you listen.
I wanna say personally that thisis one of the most powerful
(01:09):
interviews that I have conductedon this podcast.
What we need more of in thebody of Christ is transparency.
We need more conversationsabout mental health and what
people are actually dealing withand how they got through it,
how to make this hope of Jesustangible.
Right, we hear about Jesus andJesus is the way, but how do you
(01:32):
actually walk that out so thatyour life is transformed, so
that you're actually free frommental torment?
We're gonna get into all ofthat.
My guest, Jamie, is gonna shareher story.
Let's go.
Feels like I'm meeting one ofmy social media friends For the
first time.
The internet is just so cooljust being able to do this.
But I wanna introduce Jamie.
(01:54):
I just so highly respectedJamie's work and what she's
doing and it's such an honor tohave you here with us today,
Jamie.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Oh, it's such an honor to be here.
I am so excited.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I could blabber on about what I know of you, but
tell us a little bit about whoyou are, your work and I know
you have a podcast.
We'll share all of that juicystuff at the end of this episode
, but tell us a little bit aboutJamie.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Yeah, so I'm Jamie Martinez.
I'm a biblical counselor andthe host of Living Love, the
podcast where we talk about howto walk in your God-given
identity, and that's the focusof the biblical counseling
sessions.
And I work with kiddos rangingfrom age seven and I have up to
(02:47):
40, you know.
So I see a lot of broad range,but I love what I do because I
get to see God transform parts,even through listening on a
computer or on a phone, like Iget to see God transform parts,
and it's just I love it.
I love it so much.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yeah, and if I'm not mistaken, isn't this, wasn't
this a career change for you?
Weren't you doing somethingelse before God called you to
biblical counseling?
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yes, I was actually a special education teacher.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
And yes, that's what I thought.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
I adored those students so much Like those kids
were my babies and I wouldalways call them my babies.
Yeah, but when God calls Igotta be obedient.
And man, I'm so glad that I was.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Praise God.
Yeah, this is awesome.
I'm so excited.
Well, I wanna jump right intoyour testimony, but before we do
that, let's pray over ourlistener today.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
So, god, we come to you and just so thankful, lord,
that you are who you say you are, and God, that you're going to
be who you say you are.
And, lord, we pray for thelistener right now, lord, the
person listening that's underthe sound of our voices.
Father, I just pray thatthere's freedom and, god,
anything that's holding themback from experiencing true
(04:19):
freedom in you.
Lord, I break that off.
In the name of Jesus, I prayfor depression to be released,
suicidal thoughts to be released, lord, anything that is within
the testimony that you guided methrough, lord, would that be
their story?
God, would my testimony betheir prophecy?
And, father, I just I thank youso much for the bold heart
(04:42):
that's listening to this podcast.
I pray that these words be yourwords, the story be your story,
and it's only for your glory.
Lord, we do this through you,to you and for you.
Lord, we love you In Jesus'mighty name, amen.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Amen, amen.
So I like to start off withthis question what is your Jesus
story?
Tell us how you came to knowHim.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
All right.
Yeah, this is buckle up, that'sfor sure.
You got to put on.
You know what?
On the roller coaster, you putthings over your head too Like
this is a full blown.
You're going into flips and allthis thing.
It's going to be fun.
No, god changed me complete.
I am completely different fromwho I was 10 years ago.
(05:34):
I, growing up, I was always theoverachiever, I was always the
one achieving and perfectionism,I guess you could even say.
And Jamie and the word drugsnever belonged in the same
sentence.
Until senior year of highschool I started hanging out
(05:56):
with the wrong crowd, and thesewere kids that I knew that I
shouldn't have been hanging outwith, but I always felt alone.
So I was like, oh okay, well, Iguess I'll hang out with them,
you know, and they led me intodrinking excessively multiple
times a week to where I wasblack and out I didn't remember
(06:18):
it multiple times a week andvomiting from alcohol multiple
times a week and started smokingmarijuana, just to just to numb
out because I didn't know thatI had this deep hurt within me
and felt overlooked and notaccepted.
(06:38):
So I would do it to numb outand eventually, within that you
know that group I was introducedto a man that ended up sexually
abusing me, sexually assaulting, and I blamed myself for it.
I thought, you know, this is,if I just didn't allow that to
(07:01):
happen, maybe he wouldn't have.
If I just didn't step foot inthat place, maybe he wouldn't
have.
I blamed myself so much.
And then I spiraled downwards,spiraled.
I turned to sexual promiscuity,I turned to excessive drinking,
(07:24):
more times a week than not, bymyself.
I wasn't even around people.
Most of the time I was by myselfand just a deep, dark
depression, so much that mybrain kind of shut it out.
And I remember one night I wasliving by myself, which I
(07:46):
definitely shouldn't have,that's for sure.
I was severely depressed,suicidal.
I definitely shouldn't havelived by myself.
But I was laying there in bedand I was just so drunk that I
didn't know where I was.
I was just kind of laying thereand I started hallucinating.
That hallucination, which I nowknow was a demon, guaranteed
(08:12):
100%.
That was a demon that I waslooking at and I stared at it
and I remember, so sober, Ithought I've gone crazy, I'm man
, I've gone off the deep endbecause it's just sitting there
and man, it's creepiest,scariest, most evil thing I've
(08:34):
ever seen just stare back at mewith a smile and after staring
at it for what seemed like hours, it told me how to kill myself.
So finally, after hearing itover and over and over and over
and over, tell me how to.
(08:54):
I screamed.
I was like, fine, I'll do it.
And the voice stopped.
So I went and I attemptedShould not be alive today at all
.
No way I should be alive rightnow.
By the grace of God, I woke upthe next morning and I was so
(09:18):
defeated I was like man, I can'teven kill myself, right.
And I know that when I was kindof drifting off, I was thinking
man, I didn't even get to meetmy future kids.
I didn't even get to and Ididn't get to see that
relationship improve.
I just all the regret and allthe it just flooded my head and
(09:41):
I remember trying to cling on no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to die, don't wantto die.
Woke up the next morning Totallyflipped, like man I can't even
kill myself, right.
So I left that apartment.
I moved back in with my parentsbecause I was terrified.
I still saw that hallucinationwhenever I closed my eyes.
And let me tell you, I sat inmy bed for three days straight
(10:07):
and y'all are going to think I'mcrazy, but let this show how
much God can transform you.
I sat there pulling out myeyelashes so that I wouldn't
fall asleep, because that's howterrified I was of this thing.
I was insane and I said youknow what, fine, I'll fill up my
time doing things, becausemaybe that'll distract me,
(10:29):
because sitting here is notworking.
So I was like, okay, I'll gofill my time with that church
that my sister in law told meabout, because, okay, I'll try
to be a better person.
I went to the church and I justheard, as I was going in, all
the voices in my head sayingthat person hates you, that
(10:50):
person doesn't want you here,that person wants to kill you.
I just heard it swirling,paranoid, and I walk in and I
sit down.
I'm trembling from these voicestelling me like, nope, I got to
push through.
I got to push through and Ialmost got up and left, but I
didn't.
And in the message, I don'tremember what the message was
(11:11):
about.
To be honest, I was just sittingthere, I don't remember what it
was about, but the pastor, whoactually recently married me and
my husband, he stopped and heturned in a room full of a
thousand people and he pointedat me and he said God loves you
so much.
(11:32):
He hears your cries, he seesyour pain.
I lost it crying.
I was like what Wait?
The creator of everything hearsme.
No one else heard me.
No one answered my calls when Iwas going to kill myself.
No one else heard me, and thecreator does.
(11:53):
And he started crying, weeping,and he said there's a purpose
for your heartbeat and a reasonfor your pain.
That day and I have that I havea heartbeat tattooed over the
scar from where I attempted andthat day I gave my life to Jesus
.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Oh praise God.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
It didn't stop the hallucination.
The hallucinations got worseactually, which obviously
demonic attack.
But a few days later I was like, okay, I'll go to this student
night and they were talkingabout spiritual warfare.
And I went and I sat there andit's like he read my mail, it's
like he went into my brain.
(12:36):
He was like, hey, if you'restruggling with hallucinations,
thoughts of suicide, addiction,if you're struggling with all of
this, come down to the altarright now and get prayer.
I got up then even all's gettingup and I walked up there.
I was running in my my earswere just clouded with what felt
like static.
(12:56):
I couldn't hear anything.
I heard no, no, no, don't do it, Don't do it, don't do it.
And I ran up there and I justlifted my hands.
There's actually a picture ofit.
I lifted my hands and one oneof the women on the worship team
who's now one of my closefriends she came, put her hand
on my head, started praying veryintensely and people just
(13:19):
flooded and just started praying.
It lifted completely and sincethat day, not another
hallucination, not anothersuicide attempt.
Drop alcohol and I'm completelyfree.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Come on, god is so good.
Yes, oh, I feel the presence ofGod.
Yes, Wow.
And how old were you at thattime?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
Oh, it was from 18 to 19.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Just one year, wow, wow it was.
It was the worst year, but alsothe best year.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Right Praise God, wow , wow, jamie oh it's powerful.
Yes, it is that is so powerful?
And I wonder I was.
I mean, we're just going, we'rejust flowing in this
conversation.
I wasn't planning on talkingabout this, but I wonder what do
(14:14):
you think about?
What do you think about peoplewho doubt if deliverance is for
today it is hard to hear a storylike yours and then also
believe that deliverance issomething to.
There's just a lot of feararound that.
(14:34):
Oh yeah, what do you thinkabout that?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I think there's fear because Hollywood portrays it as
they're going to flop on thefloor and start foaming at the
mouth, you know, and that's notwhat it is.
I mean, sure it could be overthere you know, but but what it
is is like surrendering.
What it is is like Obviously,there was significant demonic
(14:59):
influence significant, and itcame through different channels.
I know exactly how it came intomy life.
I know exactly how it did.
But if deliverance wasn't fornow, then you would see so many
people out there after leaving achurch service that didn't
experience anything, yeah, thatwere still bogged down in
(15:23):
addiction, that were stillsuicidal.
You know you would.
You would see so much more ofthat Deliverance.
There's such a misunderstandingof what it is and it might be
you cry, it might be you cough.
You know it looks different,but the deliverance is releasing
(15:45):
the attachment that anythingdemonic has a hold on.
But it's not, it's not scarywhat everyone thinks it is.
I cried, I sobbed my eyes out,but I remember it so clearly
yeah, so it's freeing, it's notscary, that's right, it's
freedom and and, honestly,deliverance is.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
It's Jesus.
It's an encounter with Jesus.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, and exactly he may.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
He may.
He may just lift it.
He may lift it with not asingle person around, because we
need Jesus.
It's Jesus who delivers, right,he will work through people,
but he, he can do it right therein your room by yourself.
Or he may say I need you to goto this church, to this group of
(16:28):
people, and you find it there.
And so it sounds like youdidn't even really you weren't
expecting that.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
No, not at all.
I was.
I was going into it like maybeI'll be a good person, maybe a
better person, but I leftbecause my heart was slightly
open to something.
God showed up and he showed.
And so, yeah, he showed me thathe was real and he showed me
(16:56):
like, hey, watch me, watch mework in your life.
See, you can trust me.
I know you can't trust anybodyelse in your life right now, but
you can trust me.
So when God shows up, man, itcould be in the shower, you know
it could be anywhere, but whenGod shows up, it's transforming.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
That's right, and so it's been just A deepening with
him and a journey with him sincethen.
I mean, like you are doing now.
I imagine you couldn't havepossibly guessed when you were
18, 19, that today that youwould be using your life to help
other people out of kind of thesame torment and things that
(17:40):
that you went through.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yeah, not at all.
If you asked me, I would beActing and singing and I was
going to be a music teacher, andit was just that.
No, I'm so glad I'm not.
I would have never guessed in amillion years that I would have
been a pastor and a biblicalcounselor.
(18:03):
Now, like never, never guessedthat.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Yeah, that's incredible.
And you, I was thinking justgetting ready for this episode.
I was just thinking of all the,the celebrations and things
that I've just seen you sharingon social social media your
wedding, becoming a worshippastor, I mean come on yeah.
And God has utilized all ofthat.
(18:28):
That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, god's man, god's man, God's.
Even when I don't feel likehe'll use me, he uses me and
it's amazing.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Yeah.
So I don't know.
I just I wonder what you wouldtell someone who is kind of in
that Place of maybe doubt, whichI know you remember because
you've been, you've been therebefore just that place of, yeah,
I don't know how to get out ofthis.
(19:00):
I don't even know the firststep to take, like what, what do
you tell someone who's in aplace like that?
Speaker 1 (19:09):
That doubt is there for a reason.
But if you're like man, I don'teven know where to start.
Start with simply saying, god,help, I need help.
Start with God and reaching outto God and saying, lord, I need
(19:30):
you.
But even before that, maybe, ifyou're like you know, I don't
even know how.
What do I say?
How do I do it?
You know, get yourself aroundpeople that are God-loving
people.
Get yourself going to churchwhen you don't feel like you
want to, because there'sopposition that you're gonna
experience when you feel likeyou don't want to.
(19:51):
But it starts with prioritizingJesus, prioritizing God.
And if you're on the fence like, oh, is this God, God real?
If he wasn't, I'd be dead.
Come on, so he's real.
I can promise you 100%.
He's real and it's just, it'stime.
(20:15):
It's time to surrender, it'stime to say, god, I need you and
I need your help, help me.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Yeah, and it's time to stop running.
I think sometimes we don't evenrecognize that we are in that
process of like you're justrunning from God, you know,
seeking out the next substanceyou can use or the next
relationship, or you know, likeeven these quote unquote good
things like career, sure, theseare all things that we use
(20:43):
sometimes to try to run awayfrom the pain, but and I know
you've seen it in your work it'slike we just can't do that.
It doesn't work that way.
You have to surrender thatstuff to him.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Yeah, it never works, never works out.
You can try, but there's aspecific God-shaped hole in your
heart that no substance, nosexual act, nothing can fill it.
Even if you try, it's not gonnahappen.
Not even gonna try to scratchthe surface of what God can do
to fill it.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Yeah, that's right.
So I know a lot of my listenershave a background or history of
like sexual trauma and I'mwondering how did the Lord take
you through that healing process?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Oh man, let me tell you it's an everyday decision to
forget.
It's sometimes it's easier thanothers, but it started with
anger.
I was beyond angry that ithappened.
I was beyond angry that I letit happen and then I shoved it
(21:53):
under the rug until I kepttripping over it and I realized,
man, this is not, this issomething that's huge.
I can't get over this alone.
I went to my pastor at the time.
He's him and his wife areawesome people.
I went to them and they walkedme through a.
I don't know if it was like adeliverance thing, but it was
(22:18):
more of like a let's talk aboutthe timeline, let's get it out.
You know, they were very, verygood about getting it out.
So that way it's exposed.
You know, and I know therapymodes will tell us to not talk
about the trauma that we wentthrough, which obviously we want
(22:38):
to prevent retraumatization.
You know.
But when you get to that pointwhere you're like I don't know
what to do, when you expose it,get it out there, it loses its
power.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (22:50):
So you get it out there, you expose it.
It loses its power.
However, it still comes up.
Why?
Because the enemy likes toremind you of what happened.
The enemy likes to remind youof one of your darkest days, to
prevent you from running afterGod.
And that's where you take yourthoughts captive.
You say no, in the name ofJesus.
(23:10):
Nope, I'm choosing to focus onthe Lord.
I'm not choosing to focus backthere.
It's hard, but forgiveness Iknow.
You hear that, trust me, I wasthere.
You hear, like I just need toforgive.
No, I'm clicking off, I'm done.
Forgiving doesn't let them offthe hook.
Okay, they did what they did.
(23:32):
Forgiveness is like adouble-sided fishing hook.
You're on one side, the personwho hurts you is on the other,
and the more they weigh down,the more it just digs into you
and causes you pain.
What forgiveness is is it letsyou off the hook.
(23:52):
So that way, okay, I'm tired offeeling this pain and that
person still did what they did.
But it allows you to removeyourself from it and say, okay,
yes, that happened, but I needto regain control.
I need to regain control of mybody.
I need to regain controlbecause I can't just give God
(24:12):
leftovers, you know.
So it's a hard process andthere's no one answer.
But you need that person thatyou can divulge everything and
just say, hey, here's my, here'smy door.
Obviously, maybe a trainedChristian counselor would be
(24:34):
great.
But getting to a trainedChristian trauma counselor that
can walk you through it and walkyou through forgiveness and
leaving in the past andremembering when it comes up
throughout your day Nope, I'mremembering it, forgiven, I'm
remembering that.
It's just, it's in my past.
It hurt me, but look what Godused it for.
(24:56):
God will use it for good, Ipromise you.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
You will, yeah, you will, and I've seen it again and
again, and again, and he, heuses it in the most surprising
ways.
I found like, oh, I was just atthe, actually went to the dollar
store last night and I randomlyran into this lady who was like
she saw something that I saidon Facebook, because I'm very
(25:22):
transparent about my experiences, because I know that God uses
it Right.
And, yeah, she just shared howit blessed her.
And you know, it's justincredible.
You know somebody just in mycommunity who happened to see a
random post.
You know, it's the way that Godwants to use the pain is it's,
(25:43):
it's almost like it takes thesting away of the enemies trying
to to hold over your head.
Oh yeah, god will eliminatethat completely and now that
shame is just gone, you know, ohyeah.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
And I would tell people like I don't know some,
some friends that I developed oror close people, you know, I
would give them bits and piecesof it and I'd be trembling, I'd
be shaking, I'm like, ok, I'mgoing to stop there, let's stop.
But I met my husband and he wasactually my best friend for
(26:20):
like six years now.
And when I told him and justsaid this is what I've gone
through, this is why you mightsee some reactions from me that
seemed kind of outlandish, butthis is why you might see that.
And he was like, wow, I'm, I'mso sorry that happened to you.
I was trembling.
But then he just hugged me andjust sat there and and and
(26:43):
hugged me and when I realizedlike, ok, wow, he's not judging
me, this is great.
And then when I went and toldsomeone in a parking lot of the
gym because God, I crazy a storyI'll do spark notes version of
that.
But I was walking out of thegym I see this woman in her car
(27:03):
crying.
I'm like I'm kind of judging,not going to lie.
I'm like, ok, all right, you do.
You boo, got in the car, droveaway.
God said, turn around.
I did and I went and I walkedup to her and I said hey, this
is weird.
God told me to talk to you, areyou OK?
(27:25):
And she said no, I was justgreat the other day and I just
saw him in here and I was ableto share my story with her and
she came to know Jesus.
So I was trembling the wholetime, but that fear could have
prevented me from sharing thatand someone receiving Jesus.
(27:50):
So don't let the fear hold youback, because God is going to
use your story.
He's going to plant people inyour way that need to hear it.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Amen, yes, they will.
That is so beautiful and thatis so him I mean, he doesn't
waste anything.
I just say that over and overhe, he uses it all.
He uses it all, even the mostvile parts of your story.
You know the things that youthink are just so hideous and
vile.
He uses it and it becomes thisbeautiful thing you know beauty
(28:26):
for ashes.
It's just incredible knowinghim.
Wow, we kind of touched on this, but I usually wrap up with
what would you tell someone who,straight up, doesn't know Jesus
?
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Hmm, Someone who doesn't know Jesus.
So I can tell you that he islove.
And that's kind of confusing, Iknow.
But when you meet this Jesus,and when Jesus comes to meet you
(28:58):
too, it's the most overwhelmingfeeling of love that you will
ever feel.
And when you get into hispresence, oh my gosh it is.
It's indescribable, you can'tdescribe it.
But if you don't know Jesus,it's time to get to know him,
(29:21):
because he loves you.
His thoughts towards you aremore than every grain of sand on
every sea shore.
This Jesus, the Savior of theworld, loves you so much.
And, if I can echo what thepastor said to me, if you're
(29:43):
struggling, jesus says thatthere's a purpose for you,
there's a purpose for yourheartbeat, there's a reason why
you go through the trials,there's a reason for all of it.
But you just say God, I want toknow you.
If this is real, if you're outthere, hello, I want to know you
(30:05):
.
I want to know who you are andI need you because I can't do
this on my own.
But God is love, jesus is love,and he will show you that love
so deeply.
And you don't have to beperfect to come to him.
You don't have to be perfect.
You don't have to have yourstuff together, the ducks don't
(30:25):
have to be in a row, they don'teven have to be in the same pond
, okay, but God loves you justhow you are, so you can come to
him as you are right now.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Amen, so true and so good.
Thank you so much, jamie.
Thank you for your transparency.
I just appreciate that so muchbecause these are the things
that people are dealing with andthey're looking around and
they're like nobody's talkingabout this stuff.
So I appreciate yourtransparency and being willing
to share your story today.
(31:00):
Tell us how we can find you.
If someone listening wants toconnect with your work, when can
we find you at?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Absolutely so.
Living Loved by Jamie.
You can find me on anyInstagram or Facebook or any
social media that you enjoyLiving Loved by Jamie and you
can find my podcast Living Loveon Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yes, and I will include all of those links and
the show notes or wherever youare listening, yes, so thank you
so much, jamie.
This has been such a blessing.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
Thank you life.
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