September 17, 2024 • 11 mins
Have you ever found light in the darkest of times? Join me, Miss T, as I share a deeply personal recount of my second year in recovery, a journey marked by the emotional peaks and valleys of navigating mental health challenges. Reflecting on the significance of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, I open up about my battles with suicidal ideation and experiences with hospitalization.
Together, let’s explore how small acts of kindness and moments of brightness can make a difference. I encourage you to spread positivity, embrace all things bright and glittering, and be the rainbow in someone else's life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Hello and welcome to another episode of A Spectrum of
Hyperfixations.
I am your host, miss T, and theT today stands for trying,
because I feel like I am justconstantly just trying,
(00:52):
constantly just trying trying tokeep my thoughts positive,
trying to improve my self-image,trying to not fall into old
trauma patterns, and sobasically just trying.
And also this continues to betrying a new thing for
podcasting um, trying to findout how to get the audio good,
um, trying to figure out what totalk about and trying to have
(01:16):
the courage to finally just postit.
So I didn't want to publish anyepisodes until I had sort of a
decent catalog built up, likeI'm talking maybe five to six
episodes and the.
The first two episodes Irecorded were done back in
August, the first one beingafter my birthday, which was
(01:39):
August 7th, and you'll hear mereference it in the the first
episode, and then the next onewas later in August, and now
we're in September.
We are in the beginning ofSeptember and I didn't want to
wait any longer becauseSeptember is an important month,
it is something close to myheart and that is suicide and
(02:01):
prevention awareness month.
Will, you know, probably talkabout it at length at some point
on episode for this podcast,because I mean, it is something
that you know I hyper fixate on,because it's something that is
still very much with me, andthat is when I fell into severe
(02:23):
suicide ideation, to the pointof being hospitalized, and that
was a very unique and traumaticexperience because you go to get
help and then you're stuck inthe ER for 51 hours Great and
(02:44):
basically in solitaryconfinement.
So, um, I might link, you know,uh, episodes of other podcasts
that I've guested on where I'vetalked about this.
Um, but, uh, just, this issomething that is on my mind and
this is something that I wantedto, you know, really just get
out there and post thesepodcasts too in order to, um,
(03:07):
maybe speak more this monthabout my experience and all.
But currently I am kind of in abit of a valley, I guess, and,
um, I didn't realize that thismonth would feel as heavy as it
does, and I'm kind of realizingthat year two in recovery is
(03:31):
much harder than year one wasand I expected it to be easier,
if anything.
You know, year one I found lifecoaching and life coaching
school.
I learned a lot through thatschooling about emotions and
your brain and the stories weall tell ourselves, and just
(03:52):
also digging into trauma andlearning more about that,
learning about myself, andcontinuing to read up on autism
and it was just year one was,you know, kind of laying
groundwork.
And now I feel that year two,my, my brain is kind of like hey
(04:16):
, so you did all of this innerwork and you've really grown and
now we're going to show you allof the dust bunnies that you
banished to the corners of yourmind and we're just going to
bring those up so you canprocess them now fully, because
you are more capable and youhave more tools in the box.
And the thing is, it feels likereally, really hard.
(04:38):
It feels really overwhelming,almost even more so.
But the good thing is is thatI'm able to better recognize it.
Um, I have been able to movethrough it a bit quicker, to
come out to the other side of it, but it's still.
It's like it's very, very hard.
(04:59):
And right now I'm in one ofthose lulls where, you know, I'm
just self-deprecating a lot andwanting to isolate and all of
these things.
So I was kind of wanted to uhagain, I'm just repeating myself
a moment.
(05:19):
Um, again, this is a learningwe're trying.
We're trying.
So for this episode I wanted tojust pick a card at random from
a deck of playing cards that Igot from archer and olive.
It was in their, I think it waslike in their mental health box
(05:42):
, subscription box or some sortof box last year or earlier this
year, I can't honestly remember, but they do like really nice
boxes where you uh, this one hada journal, it had washi tape,
it had a stick of playing cardsand it kind of is like mental
mental health encouraging cardsor just reflection cards that
(06:06):
either ask you a question orgives you a little thing to do.
Each card suit represents acategory of prompts or
activities to be a guide as youprioritize your self-care.
That's what it was theself-care box.
So let's just pick a card offthe top.
This happens to be the I could.
(06:30):
I was looking for a blank cardsuit.
It only shows me a book.
So card two of books.
So this says reflect on a recentact of kindness you have given
or received.
How did it impact you?
So I was thinking about thisbefore I started recording and
just my mom surprised me bysaying that she was going to
(06:55):
give me an early Christmas giftwhich was going in halfsies on a
VIP ticket to LindsaySterling's Snowballs concert
that is coming here in Decemberand I had told her, you know,
like I really want to be a keybecause I really want to do
great with her.
Like, we saw her at the BachCenter in July and it was the
(07:21):
first concert that we've seenthat wasn't her Christmas one
and I was just blown away.
And I've been listening to heralbum the newest one, duality
pretty much every day since atwork.
It's a good vibe, it's goodjams and just excellent, and I
I'm like I want to do the VIPexperience.
(07:42):
I want to just meet her and bein her amazing presence because
she just seems like the genuinehuman being to be kind and, um,
just generous and incredible,and I want to feel that energy
exchange.
So I was at work and I lookedwhen the pre-sale went on and I
(08:07):
saw the cost and I got bummedand and I'm like I can't do that
and so I texted my mom and toldher that I was like don't worry
about getting VIPs, we'll justget.
And she texted me back and shesaid too late, merry, early
Christmas, I will gift you partof this.
(08:28):
And I legitimately startedcrying and luckily I was down at
the film machine where nobodyelse was around, pulling old
recorded documents for mycorporate job and I started
crying because I was just likein awe and just felt so loved,
which has been a struggle thesepast few weeks too, of just
(08:50):
feeling unloved and unworthy.
You know all those yucky thingsthat go into you know that that
downward spiral that I'm soafraid will happen, and I am so
excited.
I've heard it said that it isvery important to keep something
on your calendar to lookforward to because it just like
it, keeps this excitement andthis um, now I'm not even sure
(09:16):
what to call this notexpectation, but again, just
something to look forward to,something to be excited about.
You know, because we can get socaught up in just the, the
humdrum of everything and, uh,you have nothing to look forward
to.
You know, as a kid, we lookforward to summer vacation, we
would look forward to christmasvacation, all the vacations, and
as an adult you really don'tget any of that.
(09:38):
So it's even more important tohave something on the calendar
where you can indulge yourself alittle bit of fun.
So that was the kindness that Ihave received and I want to
pose that question to you, takesome time to reflect on it.
Uh, have you given it, have youreceived it, and what was the
impact on you?
(09:58):
For me, it was a feeling ofbeing loved that someone
genuinely wanted to help mefulfill.
You know, this kind of dream Ihad and, uh, very much looking
forward to it.
I cannot wait.
This year I have met Kevin Smithand Jason Mewes and Rob Garman
(10:22):
on the cruise at SKU If you arefamiliar with the SKU universe
or whatever from director KevinSmith, and then now at the end
of the year, I am going to meetSterling and it's it's gonna
probably feel really powerful,because Decembercember is also
the month in which I went intothe hospital, so I know that
(10:45):
that is just going to be reallypowerful.
I expect myself to be a cryingmess and I hope I can get out
the words to her to at leastthank her for just what she is
doing.
The light she is in the worldand that's what I kind of want
to leave you on today with ishow can you be a light in the
world and how can you be in thelight of somebody else?
(11:08):
You know, if you're feeling inthe dark, how can we help?
You know?
How can you be reached?
How can we just you know, shinea light on this?
So please drop me a line Be arainbow.
(11:33):
I love rainbows, I love glitter, I love all the things, and we
will talk later.
Bye, love you.
Hello and welcome to another episode of A Spectrum of
Hyperfixations.
I am your host, miss T, and theT today stands for trying,
because I feel like I am justconstantly just trying,
(00:52):
constantly just trying trying tokeep my thoughts positive,
trying to improve my self-image,trying to not fall into old
trauma patterns, and sobasically just trying.
And also this continues to betrying a new thing for
podcasting um, trying to findout how to get the audio good,
um, trying to figure out what totalk about and trying to have
(01:16):
the courage to finally just postit.
So I didn't want to publish anyepisodes until I had sort of a
decent catalog built up, likeI'm talking maybe five to six
episodes and the.
The first two episodes Irecorded were done back in
August, the first one beingafter my birthday, which was
(01:39):
August 7th, and you'll hear mereference it in the the first
episode, and then the next onewas later in August, and now
we're in September.
We are in the beginning ofSeptember and I didn't want to
wait any longer becauseSeptember is an important month,
it is something close to myheart and that is suicide and
(02:01):
prevention awareness month.
Will, you know, probably talkabout it at length at some point
on episode for this podcast,because I mean, it is something
that you know I hyper fixate on,because it's something that is
still very much with me, andthat is when I fell into severe
(02:23):
suicide ideation, to the pointof being hospitalized, and that
was a very unique and traumaticexperience because you go to get
help and then you're stuck inthe ER for 51 hours Great and
(02:44):
basically in solitaryconfinement.
So, um, I might link, you know,uh, episodes of other podcasts
that I've guested on where I'vetalked about this.
Um, but, uh, just, this issomething that is on my mind and
this is something that I wantedto, you know, really just get
out there and post thesepodcasts too in order to, um,
(03:07):
maybe speak more this monthabout my experience and all.
But currently I am kind of in abit of a valley, I guess, and,
um, I didn't realize that thismonth would feel as heavy as it
does, and I'm kind of realizingthat year two in recovery is
(03:31):
much harder than year one wasand I expected it to be easier,
if anything.
You know, year one I found lifecoaching and life coaching
school.
I learned a lot through thatschooling about emotions and
your brain and the stories weall tell ourselves, and just
(03:52):
also digging into trauma andlearning more about that,
learning about myself, andcontinuing to read up on autism
and it was just year one was,you know, kind of laying
groundwork.
And now I feel that year two,my, my brain is kind of like hey
(04:16):
, so you did all of this innerwork and you've really grown and
now we're going to show you allof the dust bunnies that you
banished to the corners of yourmind and we're just going to
bring those up so you canprocess them now fully, because
you are more capable and youhave more tools in the box.
And the thing is, it feels likereally, really hard.
(04:38):
It feels really overwhelming,almost even more so.
But the good thing is is thatI'm able to better recognize it.
Um, I have been able to movethrough it a bit quicker, to
come out to the other side of it, but it's still.
It's like it's very, very hard.
(04:59):
And right now I'm in one ofthose lulls where, you know, I'm
just self-deprecating a lot andwanting to isolate and all of
these things.
So I was kind of wanted to uhagain, I'm just repeating myself
a moment.
(05:19):
Um, again, this is a learningwe're trying.
We're trying.
So for this episode I wanted tojust pick a card at random from
a deck of playing cards that Igot from archer and olive.
It was in their, I think it waslike in their mental health box
(05:42):
, subscription box or some sortof box last year or earlier this
year, I can't honestly remember, but they do like really nice
boxes where you uh, this one hada journal, it had washi tape,
it had a stick of playing cardsand it kind of is like mental
mental health encouraging cardsor just reflection cards that
(06:06):
either ask you a question orgives you a little thing to do.
Each card suit represents acategory of prompts or
activities to be a guide as youprioritize your self-care.
That's what it was theself-care box.
So let's just pick a card offthe top.
This happens to be the I could.
(06:30):
I was looking for a blank cardsuit.
It only shows me a book.
So card two of books.
So this says reflect on a recentact of kindness you have given
or received.
How did it impact you?
So I was thinking about thisbefore I started recording and
just my mom surprised me bysaying that she was going to
(06:55):
give me an early Christmas giftwhich was going in halfsies on a
VIP ticket to LindsaySterling's Snowballs concert
that is coming here in Decemberand I had told her, you know,
like I really want to be a keybecause I really want to do
great with her.
Like, we saw her at the BachCenter in July and it was the
(07:21):
first concert that we've seenthat wasn't her Christmas one
and I was just blown away.
And I've been listening to heralbum the newest one, duality
pretty much every day since atwork.
It's a good vibe, it's goodjams and just excellent, and I
I'm like I want to do the VIPexperience.
(07:42):
I want to just meet her and bein her amazing presence because
she just seems like the genuinehuman being to be kind and, um,
just generous and incredible,and I want to feel that energy
exchange.
So I was at work and I lookedwhen the pre-sale went on and I
(08:07):
saw the cost and I got bummedand and I'm like I can't do that
and so I texted my mom and toldher that I was like don't worry
about getting VIPs, we'll justget.
And she texted me back and shesaid too late, merry, early
Christmas, I will gift you partof this.
(08:28):
And I legitimately startedcrying and luckily I was down at
the film machine where nobodyelse was around, pulling old
recorded documents for mycorporate job and I started
crying because I was just likein awe and just felt so loved,
which has been a struggle thesepast few weeks too, of just
(08:50):
feeling unloved and unworthy.
You know all those yucky thingsthat go into you know that that
downward spiral that I'm soafraid will happen, and I am so
excited.
I've heard it said that it isvery important to keep something
on your calendar to lookforward to because it just like
it, keeps this excitement andthis um, now I'm not even sure
(09:16):
what to call this notexpectation, but again, just
something to look forward to,something to be excited about.
You know, because we can get socaught up in just the, the
humdrum of everything and, uh,you have nothing to look forward
to.
You know, as a kid, we lookforward to summer vacation, we
would look forward to christmasvacation, all the vacations, and
as an adult you really don'tget any of that.
(09:38):
So it's even more important tohave something on the calendar
where you can indulge yourself alittle bit of fun.
So that was the kindness that Ihave received and I want to
pose that question to you, takesome time to reflect on it.
Uh, have you given it, have youreceived it, and what was the
impact on you?
(09:58):
For me, it was a feeling ofbeing loved that someone
genuinely wanted to help mefulfill.
You know, this kind of dream Ihad and, uh, very much looking
forward to it.
I cannot wait.
This year I have met Kevin Smithand Jason Mewes and Rob Garman
(10:22):
on the cruise at SKU If you arefamiliar with the SKU universe
or whatever from director KevinSmith, and then now at the end
of the year, I am going to meetSterling and it's it's gonna
probably feel really powerful,because Decembercember is also
the month in which I went intothe hospital, so I know that
(10:45):
that is just going to be reallypowerful.
I expect myself to be a cryingmess and I hope I can get out
the words to her to at leastthank her for just what she is
doing.
The light she is in the worldand that's what I kind of want
to leave you on today with ishow can you be a light in the
world and how can you be in thelight of somebody else?
(11:08):
You know, if you're feeling inthe dark, how can we help?
You know?
How can you be reached?
How can we just you know, shinea light on this?
So please drop me a line Be arainbow.
(11:33):
I love rainbows, I love glitter, I love all the things, and we
will talk later.
Bye, love you.
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