March 25, 2025 • 51 mins
A Year to Live
Apprenticeship of the Unknown
Ep 1: Darkness, Surrender, and the Poet Within with Sarah McCash
In this first episode of A Year to Live, David Morin and Sarah McCash dive deep into David's life-changing experience of a darkness retreat four years ago. What began as a casual phone call between friends turned into a moving, unfiltered conversation that helped shape the very structure of this podcast.
As Sarah prepares for her own darkness retreat, she reached out to David to reflect on his experience. Together, they rehash his transformative journey of surrendering to darkness, embracing the unknown, and discovering the poet within.
This is not a polished studio interview. It's a real, spontaneous phone call full of raw, honest, and unexpected magic.
*A Note on the Title*
A Year to Live is inspired by the book of the same name by meditation teacher and author Stephen Levine. While this podcast is an independent project, the heart of this idea—that reuniting with your mortality can radically transform the way you live—finds its roots in his work. May this serve as a living continuation of that invitation.
Meet Sarah McCash
Sarah McCash is a Manhattan-based storyteller and death doula, obsessed with all things death, mortality, and soulful transitions. Her presence is equal parts deep feeler and curious seeker. As someone called to care for the dying, Sarah brings a refreshing enthusiasm to conversations about grief, fear, intuition, and awakening. She’s a member of David’s first A Year to Live cohort and has agreed to document parts of her journey through recorded conversations like this one.
In this episode, we discuss:
- The Power of Surrender: Why facing the darkness and confronting our deepest fears can lead to profound personal transformation.
- Darkness Retreat Experience: What it's like to spend days alone in pitch-black darkness, and how it can awaken new parts of ourselves.
- Uncovering the Poet Within: How David realized he was a poet during the darkness retreat and the poetic journey that followed.
- Intuition and Spiritual Growth: The importance of listening to your intuition and how it leads us to the places and experiences we need most, even if we're not "ready" for them.
- The Sacredness of Darkness: How the darkness serves as an ancient teacher and a place of deep self-discovery.
Resources:
Join David's Cohort. If you're ready to explore your own mortality with a small group of other seekers like you, book a call with David here or send him a message on IG. https://calendly.com/morindavid9113/60min
David on Instagram: @mor.intune
More from David Morin:
- Listen to his previous podcast: Art 2 Heart
- Explore the mini-series on Spotify: Meet You There (co-created with a public media journalist)
Thank you for listening! If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, rate, and review.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What's up everyone?
(00:01):
Thank you so much for beinghere.
My name is David Morin.
This is the Year to Livepodcast.
I am so, so excited to be doingthis and I'm so excited that
you're here.
So for those of you who don'tknow me, for those of you who
do, here's a reminder of forJourney here briefly.
I am a former sales guy, turnedpoet, turned death doula turned
(00:26):
prison facilitator toward.
Embracer of the unknown and allthere is to be uncomfortable by,
I've got off the deep bend folksand there's no going back, so
here we go.
What this is is I recentlyopened my own container and
cohort for people to explorethis year to live process, to
(00:49):
explore the question of what itwould mean if you only had one
year left to breathe, one yearleft of sunsets one year.
Left of your morning routine orlack of morning routine, one
year left of sleeping in right,52 Sundays, however you wanna
see that.
And so in sitting with thatcomes a large degree of
(01:14):
discomfort for many evolutionaryand society reasons, which we
will not get into right now thissecond, but.
This containers where peoplejust contemplate with that idea
every day, and it's consideratea daily microdose of mortality
for mother nature, if you will.
And so a year to live, I wouldbe remiss if I didn't say the
(01:39):
inspiration is by thisincredible meditation teacher,
death doula, writer, poet, resthis soul.
His name was Stephen Levine.
He wrote a book of the same namecalled A Year to Live, and after
working with so many people whowere dying and sat bedside with
them, he realized that almostall of them would faced with a
(02:03):
certain reality, with acertainty of a diagnosis that
they only have a few years, afew months, one year, six
months, two years left to livethat.
All of them, many of them, mostof them, I don't have a
percentage.
Most of them use this as asecond chance at life.
(02:27):
They said, oh shit, I've alwayswanted to travel and I've never
freaking traveled, and I onlyhave one year left to live.
I'm traveling, I'm leaving myjob, I'm getting a new job.
I'm building my dream house.
I'm getting a divorce.
I'm tearing my house down.
I'm gonna learn the guitar.
What has been on your heart ifyou only had one year left to
(02:47):
live?
That is the point.
So I took this class.
It was offered through the, uh,the executive director of the
Elizabeth Kubler Ross Foundationin Mexico.
An incredible teacher,transpersonal psychologist,
death doula, artist, speaker,thought leader, innovator.
She's incredible.
Her name is Wilke Roig.
(03:08):
She facilitated this class.
There was about, there's ahandful of us in there, but
during my year to liveexperience, I took it very
seriously.
I showed up every month halfwayin tears, some, some months
most, but I committed sofiercely to this idea because I
wanted to learn how I can betterserve people who I know are
dying with my death doula haton.
(03:31):
And I had a profound healingjourney through the process.
And so here I am, I wanted tospread this to others and um,
what you can expect here is I'llbe talking to one person, maybe
a couple outside of our monthly.
Private group calls, but thesewould be more public calls or
(03:52):
that we would just talk on theside to process what they're
going through.
Um, I want to be clear that I amnot here to tell anyone what to
do with their lives.
I am not anyone's guru.
I am a student of mortality.
I have taken the front row seat.
This is me being the nerd of allnerds and saying, I took notes
(04:12):
and I'm gonna help everyoneprepare for this test.
Right.
I haven't even taken the test.
I'm just taking this class againand I'll probably take it every
year for the rest of my life.
But we are students of mortalitytogether and all I am doing is
helping others sit with thisidea because it's so damn scary.
(04:33):
It's so damn scary.
And I am convinced that we allcan arrive at our own answers.
We all have very unique lives,very unique.
Childhoods unique traumas.
Unique.
Unique wins.
We all have very unique livesand we're gonna have a very
(04:54):
unique dying experience when thetime comes.
And so this is up to us.
It's up to you to to get youranswers and find your own peace.
And I believe that sitting withmortality, if this daily
microdose is the key to findingthat peace and stillness except.
We need to be able to explore itand contemplate on it enough in
(05:16):
a, in a safe and appreciatedspace.
And because so many of us cannottolerate these conversations
longer than a few seconds,that's, that's where my
superpower comes in.
I'll sit with it.
I'll let you roll in the mudwith it and you can just, uh.
Find some peace through it, somestillness, and I'll be here
(05:37):
throughout the process.
I know it's not super goodselling point, but it's, I'm not
even selling, it's just what Ido.
I help people look at the mud,sit in the mud, love the mud,
and realize that they are themud.
Alright, so I will probably haveanother episode where I go more
into detail, but I want tointroduce this next, uh, this
(05:57):
first episode.
It started with a phone callfrom a wonderful friend of mine,
uh, Sarah.
Ash, I met her through anothergreat friend of mine, Alvin, my
desired doula buddy.
Thank you, sir.
For ever grateful for, for youfor this connection.
Um, Sarah and I hit it offimmediately.
Um, actually we were introducedvia text last year at an end
(06:19):
well conference, which is aconference for kind of death
nerds and death workers.
And, um, we didn't, I didn'trealize I was at the same
conference as her.
I arrived at the conferencewhile we were text messaging and
I said, Hey, I have a busyweekend.
Lemme just get to you next weekand we can find a time to chat.
I had a busy weekend'cause Iwould be at this conference and
it turns out she was at the sameconference, so we didn't get to
(06:40):
meet there.
I think we passed, we, wecrossed paths once, but we
reconnected shortly after andshe is a part of this.
Journey that I'm facilitatingfor people who want to explore
their mortality with a pretenddeadline of one year out into
the future.
And anyways, before thatstarted, we were just having
phone calls and we were havingsuch great phone calls, and I've
(07:02):
been having such amazing phonecalls with so many people over
the last couple years that I'vebeen saying I need to record
this phone call.
And I never do this time I did.
So this episode is a recordedphone call just on Apple record.
Every few minutes you might hearlike a little beep beep, beep
beep, like super short minorthat shows it's still recording.
You might hear sirens, um, youmight hear whatever it is on the
(07:25):
phone call.
It's pretty raw.
I edit it as best as I could,but I wanted to leave it pretty
raw for the most part.
So thank you for being here.
In this episode, uh, Sarah isexploring doing a darkness
meditation retreat.
She learned that I had done ofone, so she called me to ask
about my experience and Irealized that it really do much
(07:46):
justice to this experience andtalking about it.
So I'm actually really excited.
She really helped me relive theexperience of how much fun and
sacred and beautiful and.
Life changing.
It was for me.
If, if you're unsure what adarkest meditation retreat is, a
darkest meditation isessentially where you, uh, are
just in a pitch black room forone day, two days, three days.
(08:08):
I did mine three days, um, like,like two days.
But where you're just in a pitchblack room, you have a shower,
you have a bed, they bring youfood without compromising light,
and uh, you're just alone withyour mind.
So I did that in 2021.
Um.
And my life changed since then,and you'll hear in the rest of
(08:29):
the episode.
Thank you for being here.
Enjoy this episode.
Talk soon.
David (08:33):
mine's recording.
Is it recording for you yet?
Sarah (08:35):
This call will be recorded.
Okay.
David (08:38):
All right.
Sarah (08:40):
All right.
That's cool.
I'm excited.
Okay.
That's so funny.
How I just recorded like that byaccident.
But, um, yeah, nothing's anaccident.
David (08:47):
Nothing's an accident.
Sarah (08:48):
I know, you're right, I love that.
Yes, you're right, nothing isThat is my new mantra, nothing
is an accident.
Okay, yeah, I love that.
Um, well, let me David, David, Ihave a question though, so Okay,
did you do any prep work beforeyou decided to do No, very
little.
Oh, I had a few months.
You never did like, retreats?
(09:10):
You never did silent retreats orany of that stuff?
No,
David (09:12):
no, I never did anything.
Yeah, I went straight for it.
Sarah (09:15):
No.
David (09:17):
Yeah.
I, I mean, yeah.
I mean, that was it.
I had done some guidedmeditations.
I was doing yoga, but I wasdoing a lot of guided yoga, but
no, a lot of it was like, yeah,I'm not prepared to go in there,
but it's what I got to do kindof thing.
Sarah (09:33):
What?
So like, you know, okay.
David (09:35):
They had a screening call like you set up a call and you
don't just sign up and show uplike before you pay you have to
set up a zoom call I think wehad a zoom call or a whatsapp
call and they just they okay Ithink we spoke for like 30
minutes They kind of wanted tohear where my heart was and what
my intention for doing it wasand stuff like that.
And then, yeah, they, theyrecommended three nights for
(09:56):
beginners and they, theywouldn't let Okay.
Any beginners, um, book overthat many days.
Sarah (10:02):
This is what like, baffles me.
You said you were scared of thedark because I'm scared of the
dark.
How did you even like Yeah, Iwas really scared of.
David (10:09):
Is there a
Sarah (10:09):
reason why you're scared of the dark?
Like you just, as a kid, alwaysbeen scared of the dark?
Yeah, just
David (10:13):
as a kid, I was always scared of the dark.
Um, I was always scared of thedark.
I, I always needed like somelight on to sleep.
Yeah.
You know, I just remembersometimes as a kid, I think I
would watch scary movies andthen I'll just be terrified.
And like, I, I have, you know,there's memories of like peeing
my bed from being so scared andstuff.
So like, yeah, I don't, I don'tthink it was.
(10:34):
Completely rational anymore.
I think it was just fromchildhood, and even I what I
remembered vividly too isGrowing up.
We used to clean my mom's churchor the church we grew up going
to we would help clean it And sowe'd go like on a random weekday
to clean it And you're in thishuge sanctuary, and when we
turned the lights off, it wasalways terrifying.
Sarah (10:56):
I mean, in the church, I'd be terrified, too.
I mean, like, there's a deviland an angel, that war.
I guess
David (11:01):
so.
I don't know, but I just, Ithought about that when doing
the darkness retreat.
It's like, man, I was always soscared of church.
Like, that was a holy place.
Why, why was I afraid of thedarkness?
That's
Sarah (11:11):
so, that is so interesting.
I love how you say, like, Whywould I be scared of church?
That's a holy place.
That's so, that's so true.
So true.
David (11:20):
Yeah Yeah, and then when I first got there There was a
guide who walked in with me andhe kind of showed me some, uh,
breathing exercises that I coulddo during the dark.
And he was there if I asked anyquestions, if I had any
questions for him before going.
And, uh he lit a candle andbefore he left, he's like, you
(11:44):
can blow this candle out.
Now you can blow it out latertomorrow.
The choice is yours.
This is your experience I waslike, all right Stop
Sarah (11:55):
it.
He just like give you a candleand you can like blow it out
whenever you want There's nolike
David (12:03):
oh my god.
Well, I mean, yeah, we had aminute to sit down and talk and
stuff and then That was kind ofafter before he left um,
Sarah (12:10):
but what was the room like i'm curious like like It's
obviously this, the bathroom,right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a
David (12:18):
bathroom.
Yeah.
So, um, obviously before I letit out, I kind of reorient
myself in the room.
Um, there's a, it's like kind oflike a L shape, like a really
thick, short L.
Um, there's like a bed when youwalk in.
Um, there's like a table areawhere there's water up against
the wall.
(12:38):
And then there is a bathroom anda shower.
They kind of occupy the samespace.
They're very close to eachother.
And I don't remember if therewas a shower mat in there, but
yeah, I was in the same placebasically.
Um, so I would always showerafter using the bathroom just to
play it safe.
I
Sarah (13:02):
mean, this is so funny.
Cause like, I was thinking like,okay, when the lights it's out,
like.
Then you had to reorientyourself kind of like feel your
way through like yeah, well, youknow Completely dark that is
where my head went.
David (13:17):
That is where my head went.
I was like, oh, I got to figureeverything out Let me check
everything out in my bags.
And that was me trying tocontrol the situation, you know
Find out where everything is.
And so I'm over here getting toOCD mode.
Where's all this?
Where's all this?
Where's all this and then I justheard like this very calm and
silent whisper amid all thechaos in my In my head and it
(13:37):
was just like blow it out And Iwas like, what the fuck?
I was like, who is that?
And I was like, no, I gotta doit.
It said it again.
It started.
Oh my goodness.
It said it again.
It was like, blow it out.
And I was like, fuck.
So I just listened and I blew itout right then and there.
Okay,
Sarah (13:53):
so you blew it out.
And then what, what was theinitial first, like, body
response or your mind?
David (13:59):
I felt consumed.
I felt,
Sarah (14:03):
I
David (14:04):
felt, I felt baptized.
Sarah (14:07):
What?
The moment you blew out thecandle.
Yeah,
David (14:10):
I felt consumed.
I felt reunited.
I felt whole.
I felt peace.
What?
I felt like I got a big hug.
It was insane.
That was euphoric.
Sarah (14:23):
Wow.
And then like, but like the, butthe moment, the feeling that you
felt before you blew out thecandle, you were saying like,
felt like OCD, you need to like,you need to control the
situation.
And then like that moment youblew out the candle, it was like
you were consumed and baptized.
That was
David (14:41):
surrender.
That was surrender.
What?
That was surrender.
Sarah (14:46):
David, I
David (14:46):
cannot imagine.
That feeling, that feeling wassurrender.
Oh my God.
I just put two and two together.
That was it.
Yeah, I was experiencingsurrender.
I was like, none of it matters.
None of it matters.
Sarah (15:01):
If that first second was like pivotal and so monumental,
like I can't imagine the nextlike 72 hours.
So, I mean, like, I mean,there's, there was no screaming,
no panic attacks, no, like,
David (15:17):
Well, yes, there, there were.
Um, but that was to, because Iwas dumb and so in my organ, I
still tried to organize my stuffin the dark.
You know, there was meditationpillows, so I made sure that I
put a pillow at the, at eachedge, because I, at each, at
each edge of a wall because Ididn't want to, um, stub my
(15:38):
toes.
Sarah (15:38):
Yeah, yeah.
David (15:40):
So I was like, let's, let's pull number one, then I
can roam around freely.
And um.
Yeah, I did that.
I, I was like pacing a lot, youknow, like you just learn to
listen to your mind But I wasdumb and I had taken some
edibles with me some weed.
Sarah (15:57):
Yeah
David (15:58):
Yeah, I was
Sarah (15:59):
wondering if they allowed to take edible.
Okay.
Why was that a dumb thing?
David (16:03):
because well, so To backtrack real quick, when you
said, like, if they would check,or, um, when I was first talking
to them about wanting to do theretreat, I told them that I was
also considering doing peyote,uh, peyote, um, during that same
visit to Mexico, and theystrongly discouraged it.
They're like, no, no, no, no,no, you don't want to do that.
(16:24):
And I was like, what?
Sarah (16:25):
What is it called?
Like
David (16:26):
peyote, peyote?
What is that?
It's like a cactus.
I think it's, I believe it'slike a hallucinogen from, uh,
uh, plant medicine from cactus.
Or something like that.
Oh my God.
Sarah (16:36):
I never heard of that.
Okay.
I
David (16:38):
could be wrong, but I know it's, it's a, it's another
part of like Mother Nature'smedicine out there.
Sarah (16:42):
Okay.
David (16:43):
And um, but they strongly discouraged it.
And I was like, well, I'm tryingto get like as much healing and
reflection as I can get.
And they're like, well, you'd belike, you might get more lost
and visit two differentteachers.
Oh, wow.
I was
Sarah (16:56):
like,
David (16:57):
oh sure.
So I was like, okay, that makessense.
And they're like, the darknessis a very ancient teacher.
It's potent.
Oh my goodness.
Enjoy and have the darkness onits own.
You'll have plenty to learn andshe's fucking right.
It's like four years ago and I'mstill learning from it.
Sarah (17:13):
But I love that they said the darkness is your ancient
teacher.
That what they said.
David (17:19):
The darkness is an ancient teacher.
Sarah (17:21):
Oh my.
God, I never heard of that waybefore.
Okay, so what, so what happenedwhen he took the edibles?
Like he had two different, what?
I started freaking the fuckhappened, the
David (17:30):
fuck out?
When the paranoia came in, oh, Iwas freaking the fuck out.
I was like, well,
Sarah (17:35):
what did it look like?
A freak?
I'm like, freaking out too.
Like, you're alone in the dark,in silent.
Like,
David (17:41):
yeah, I was freaking the fuck out.
I was like, oh my gosh.
I'm I, I just.
Help them kidnap me.
I was like, I'm locked in thisroom Um, I was like what's gonna
stop them from coming in whenI'm sleeping and actually
kidnapping me I was like not adamn thing.
And so like there was waterjugs, you know, there's big five
gallon water jugs.
Yeah, I Was moving them in thedark to cover the table or to
(18:05):
cover the entrance?
I was like if they come now,they're gonna come up against
this water.
I'm gonna hear it.
I'm gonna hear it And I wasdoing that.
I was freaking out.
Like I cheated.
I got on my phone and I waslooking up reviews and I was
like, bitch, you did this.
I was like, you did all thisalready.
(18:25):
You're sick.
You did all this before.
And then I called a friend.
I called a friend on WhatsAppand I was like, Hey, could you
look up reviews here?
I think I'm being kidnapped.
Sarah (18:43):
Stop it.
Stop it.
I love it.
David (18:48):
He's like, you're just freaking out.
I like had to bring myself out.
I was like, no, no, I'm fine.
This is what you wanted.
I'm here.
So it was awful.
I was panicking a lot.
And then I eventually, like Iturned on the candle again for a
(19:09):
little while.
Sarah (19:10):
So they let you turn light up the candle again.
Like what a match?
David (19:14):
Yeah, I found the match.
Well, I had my phone.
So I use that as like the light
Sarah (19:18):
I always wonder how do you find the match?
Okay, awesome.
Yeah,
David (19:21):
or I would just set it where I Okay, you know, but um
Yeah, and I just fell asleep andI kind of slept it off and I was
like that was dumb Oh
Sarah (19:33):
my gosh, yeah Okay.
So the first, that was a crazy24 hour journey.
The first 24 hours.
The first 12 hours.
David (19:44):
Yeah.
The first 12 hours.
Sarah (19:45):
Okay.
David (19:46):
Yeah.
And then
Sarah (19:46):
you slept and then when you woke up, I'm curious, like,
like, because there's no senseof time or, well, you had your
phone, so you could like, arethere's rules that you can have
your phone for time or?
No, no,
David (19:58):
obviously you're not supposed to have your phone.
Um, you're not supposed to haveany kind of light.
And so, I, you know, I was justexposed to my mind.
I had a front row seat to mymind.
And I was just like, I wasobsessed with the time.
I was obsessed with the time.
Because I woke up and I waslike, what time is it?
What time is it?
What am I going to do?
(20:18):
Like, is it breakfast?
What's going on?
What time is it?
What time is it?
And then I couldn't decide ondoing anything because I didn't
know what time it was.
Cause it's like, Oh, I mightwant to, I might want to
meditate, but it's like, Oh, butif they're going to come, I
don't want to meditate yet.
So I was just going around incircles and circles and circles.
And then I was like, what thefuck does it matter?
(20:38):
I'm here for two days.
Oh
Sarah (20:43):
my
David (20:43):
goodness.
Yeah.
You know, um.
Kind of just like seeing it forwhat it was, and it's like, what
the fuck are you going crazyabout, dude?
Sarah (20:54):
Oh my goodness.
So then like, were you able tosurrender to time at some point?
Or you like Um,
David (21:00):
well, I, I think taking naps helped.
I remember taking a lot of naps.
Okay.
They, they told, they told methat, um, that's what the body
would naturally do.
That normal
Sarah (21:08):
body would naturally be quiet.
Yeah, that's what I waswondering, like, okay.
Yeah.
It's like
David (21:11):
going into the womb.
Oh
Sarah (21:13):
my goodness.
I love that.
David (21:14):
Going to the womb.
Yeah, you're going into thewomb.
And, um, yeah, so I took somenaps.
I took a lot of showers.
Um, I would do meditating.
That was when I did the who am Imeditation.
Um, I just sat on the meditationpillow and I was just asking
myself over and over, who am I?
(21:35):
And, um, you know, like whenthey teach us to meditate, it's
always like, you know, justacknowledge those thoughts that
come in and let them go andreturn to the breath, return to
the breath.
So every time I was doing Who AmI, I would say Who Am I out
loud, I would have a bunch of,um, lines and rhymes just like
come to my mind, you know, likeI was, because I had just
(21:58):
started writing poetry like,like two or three months before
that.
And so it was consuming me.
I had even written poetry rightbefore going in.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
So I do this Who Am I meditationand like, fuck, it's just
nothing but poems, nothing butlines.
And I'm like, get the fuck outof here.
I'm trying to meditate.
Like, and it's like, they werecoming even louder and faster.
(22:21):
And so I just like kind of puttwo and two together and I was
like, Oh shit.
I'm a poet.
Oh my
Sarah (22:29):
God.
David (22:30):
Out loud.
I fell back, like, on the floor,I felt pushed down by the energy
of it, and I felt consumedagain, like, that baptism
feeling, I was just laughing soloud, and crying, like, in the
fetal position, it just, like,it felt like a reunion, I was
(22:50):
like, this is who I am, I'm a
Sarah (22:51):
boy! Oh my god! Wow!
David (22:55):
Yeah, it was crazy.
And so that was just euphoricfor a few hours, for I don't
know, the rest of the night.
I couldn't even tell you whatday or time that was.
Um, yeah, that was, and I waslike, oh shit, this is what I
came here for.
Like, this is what I came herefor.
Sarah (23:12):
Wow.
I'm just processing this all in,like, um, you know, like, I just
imagined, like, you know, I wasjust thinking, like, how you
were, like, um, you know,meditating, and you're like, get
my thoughts up, my rhymes, mypoems, and meanwhile, you're
like, who am I?
Who am I?
And then you realize, oh my god,I'm a fucking poet.
(23:32):
And then, like, I mean, like, ohmy god, just like that
paragraph, just like that scene,it's just so powerful.
That's such a You know,ourselves at war with each
other, you know, like trying tolike, and then somehow try to
embrace those two worlds, likethose two parts.
Um, wow.
(23:53):
That's so crazy, Dave.
Beautiful.
Like, just like this, you know,that this awakening, realizing
that coming to your heart, thisis who you are.
A poet, David, I am a poet, youknow, and then like, and then
you fell backward and baptizedagain.
Motherfucker.
I had a couple
David (24:10):
of, uh, I had a couple of soul orgasms, I guess,
Sarah (24:15):
I think it is soul orgasm.
Can I ask you a personalquestion?
You don't like do people likemasturbate there or they're like
against like, I'm just curious.
David (24:24):
I did.
I did.
Well,
Sarah (24:26):
are you not allowed to?
That's like a natural thing.
No, you can do it.
David (24:29):
I
Sarah (24:29):
mean, yeah.
Okay, I was wondering, I'm like,I wonder if like, Maybe you
probably
David (24:33):
wouldn't want to, but you know, there is, there is
something to be said about alsohaving a very healthy and, um,
sacred relationship to oursexuality.
Sarah (24:41):
Oh, totally.
They say it's like a portal,like another way of, um, you
know, embracing, the sexualityin yourself is also another way
of connecting to oh, yeah Godyourself, but I was just like,
oh when you said soul orgasm.
I love that soul orgasm Yeah,
David (24:59):
you know i'm glad you asked but that was actually
That's probably been my most, Idon't know, like enjoyable,
memorable experience ever doingit.
Sarah (25:07):
Oh, that's so
David (25:08):
special.
I was like, Oh shit, this iscrazy.
And then just went back todefiling it with porn, but we're
only human.
Sarah (25:18):
Oh my God.
I love it.
So this is now the second day,right?
So the second baptismal, thesecond day, I think
David (25:24):
is by the second day where I experienced that
because.
So I was in there.
I was in there two nights.
I was supposed to be in therethree, but there's actually a
Misunderstanding or a mistakewhen I first got there And I was
it was starting a day later thanI had planned and expected
Sarah (25:41):
Okay
David (25:42):
So if I had remained with the original plans I would have
gotten out of that third daythat that morning
Sarah (25:51):
and gone
David (25:51):
straight to the airport Oh.
And I was like, no, fuck no.
Sarah (25:56):
Yeah.
I mean, I, when I said, Oh, I'mlike, Ooh, that's like, I don't
know.
You might go to PTSD goingstraight to the airport from
David (26:03):
exactly.
I need time to integrate andjust process.
And so.
Right, right.
So I got out a night early.
I decided to do it like lastminute.
I knew going in that that wasgoing to be my last night and
the next morning.
Okay.
And I was like, how did you do
Sarah (26:15):
that?
Did you like, like, Hey, like, Ididn't wait.
I just left.
No,
David (26:19):
no one was there.
So I just left.
I left the money in like a cashthing and I sent them a message.
Oh
Sarah (26:24):
my
David (26:24):
God.
Yeah.
I just left.
Um, yeah, I felt like I'd gottenwhat I went for after the
poetry, like baptism, you know,I was like, that's what the fuck
I came here for.
I was like, let me get out ofhere.
Let me go enjoy the beach andI'll go home tomorrow.
Sarah (26:40):
Oh my goodness.
So let me back it up a littlebit.
So when you got out, like.
Do you remember what your bodyfelt?
Your mind?
Like, everything?
Like, like, this, I mean, Idon't know.
Like, now you're out of thewomb.
I felt
David (26:53):
high.
I felt high.
I just felt so high on life.
Like, I couldn't, I couldn'treally, I don't know.
Like, I just, I was so excited.
I was overwhelmed with life and,like, with joy and purpose and
love and, yeah, it was just sucha big natural high.
I remember just going to thebeach, walking around, and it's
like, I was, I had too muchenergy to just sit.
(27:15):
I was freaking out.
I should have, I should havewritten, but I just went for a
walk, and I remember recording avideo.
I'll probably look for it.
I recorded a video talking tomyself and posted it on my
Instagram at the time, I think.
Sarah (27:29):
Oh, that is amazing.
Are you allowed to recordyourself, like, in the silent
retreat?
You know, like, just like,ordinarily?
I think you
David (27:37):
can.
There's, um, there's, uh, AubreyMarcus.
He had, he had made, like, adocumentary of his darkness
retreat.
Sarah (27:43):
Oh, okay.
I
David (27:44):
personally wouldn't.
Okay, why?
Well, unless I knew I couldtrust myself to, like, Actually
not change my behavior becauseof it, but I feel like I feel
like subconsciously if you know,you're being watched I don't
know.
It's like are you gonna that'sso true.
Sarah (28:01):
I didn't think about that.
I probably like don't forget tosubscribe
David (28:06):
People can do that like maybe my I'm just not at a level
of my relationship to my ego orwhatever Right some people can I
will need more time, but if I doit again, I would do seven days
Sarah (28:20):
What the fuck seven days David
David (28:23):
I think so
Sarah (28:24):
you said seven
David (28:24):
yeah,
Sarah (28:26):
there's seven days Okay, I I'm gonna I mean
David (28:29):
There's seven ten, you know, these were initiations
back to the day of ourancestors.
You'd go into a cave for amonth.
Oh
Sarah (28:39):
My god, I mean that that's I you know, it's amazing,
you know, it's so crazy and likeThe way that you did it, I love
it because it's like, at the endof the day, it's your intuition,
right?
It's your intuition, the highercall, it's calling you.
David (28:56):
And I think if there's gonna be a sub step of having to
be ready.
It's not your intuition.
That's where you like you becomelouder than your intuition
because you're never fuckingready Every fucking great story
of anyone who followed theirtheir inner calling, They were
never
Sarah (29:12):
fucking
David (29:13):
ready
Sarah (29:14):
That's so true.
I love that.
Thank you for the reminder.
You're right like Every greatleadership, every great person
that would never read it, ordidn't want to yet, and then,
like, surrendered.
They didn't
David (29:25):
want it, or they were just thrust into it.
Yes.
Um, the, yeah, the doing is the,is the preparation.
You become prepared in thedoing.
Sarah (29:35):
Mmm.
I love that.
Can you say it again?
In the doing?
David (29:39):
You become prepared in the doing.
Sarah (29:43):
God, like, but so how old were you when you did the silent
retreat, the dark retreat?
David (29:48):
I was 20, 28, 29, 30, maybe I was turning 30.
You know, it's funny.
I did it during 4th of Julyweekend.
So that was like my independenceday.
Sarah (30:01):
Oh my God.
That is so crazy.
Oh my goodness.
So you want to do it again?
Like, I think it was awesome.
I think it was inspiring thatlike you were able to do that.
And like, um, I love yourprocess.
No, I was thinking about it thepast week.
I was like, Oh my God, I keptthinking about it.
And all my friends are like.
Even my former therapist likealmost had a heart attack when I
(30:24):
told him and he and he does like10 days silent retreat And he's
like he looked at me like he'slike hey, I mean, he's ready
white and he got more white Iwas like Josh and he's like
Sarah I was up that exists.
I'm like, yeah um Interesting
David (30:44):
how, how, how, it's so scary for everyone and when you
get to the bottom of it, it'slike, you're just with yourself,
why is that so sca The fact thatthat scares you should scare
you!
Sarah (30:54):
I, I know, but you know what, I'll be honest with you
too, I'm scared of findingmyself again, and you know,
like, um, I'm finding the Sarahthat the child, like Sarah that
I was before.
And then I know the type ofperson I am is that once I know,
(31:15):
like, once I'm awakened, Icannot go back.
I will go a hundred, I give ahundred fifty percent and like
being in this journey, you know,and it's like,
David (31:25):
So is it part of like the, you know, Cypher, I think
Cypress or Cypher in, in Matrixwhere he's like, I want to go
back.
Like, I want to stay asleep.
Ignorance is bliss.
Sarah (31:35):
Sometimes, yeah.
Like, I remember telling myguide, like, Man, like, this
awakening part of remembering,like, you know, I'm assuming,
like, we all go in the stages ofawakening, right?
Stages of spiritual, like, um,You know, spiritual growth, like
in every cycle that we gothrough.
But, um, and I, I remembersaying, wow, it's a, it's a
(31:57):
little lonely.
Like, you know, was it thisbetter?
Was it really good?
But then I know in my heart andsoul and like.
No, this is the right thing.
This is like, um, this is thereality.
Like, this is the real, youknow, like, experience of full
joy and love and grief andanger.
This is the real thing.
Um, I just know, like, I willeven go further and, and, Love
(32:21):
life even more.
You know what I mean?
I don't, I don't know how toexplain it, but it's like I
can't, it's like, I guess it'slike a relationship, right?
Yeah.
Like you're just dating and astime goes, you get really
invested in it and then you putmore energy into this and like,
um,
David (32:36):
so I'm what it's calling you.
What, what's calling you to go?
Sarah (32:40):
I don't know that there's part of me that's part of me
that's scared of the, like, howstrong I am.
Like, I'm, I think, I don't knowif I believe in past life, but I
do, I believe in everything.
I believe, like, somewhere I wasa fighter, a fighter and a lover
at the same time.
And so, I'm trying to like,figure out what that means, what
(33:01):
that looks like.
Um, and I think it's, um, Ithink like part of me is like, I
wake up so many times and I'mlike, Oh my God, I'm a
storyteller, but how do I tellstories?
Like, how, how is this going tobe a life?
Like, how do I like, you know,make a living out of this?
How do I, you know, like, and Iget all in my head.
(33:22):
So actually next week I'm goingto a storytelling workshop in
Miami, which I'm like.
Kind of like not excited justbecause um, I met some of the
people there through zoom Andi'm not trying to be like, I I
don't want to be Not i'm notsaying judgy, but it's like the
questions they asked like we hadto do a cyber david Like the
(33:43):
questions are like, what arethree things you value?
What makes you feel alive?
and like I was just kind of sadby the responses the response
was like Um, seeing my businessthrive makes me feel alive.
Um, and I wanted to like, yeah,that's great.
But what's more like once you,once your business is gone, what
makes you thrive?
What makes you alive?
(34:05):
Um, and then I realized, oh man,I'm probably at the wrong
storytelling.
I realized I looked it up,David.
It's like a storytellingconference for those who are
like already have the lifecoaching business.
I didn't even realize.
I was like, fuck, I'm in thewrong one.
David (34:22):
Well, hey, there are no, there, there are no accidents.
Do you remember?
I know
Sarah (34:25):
that.
Oh, you are right.
I love that.
Thank you.
So, um, well, there, obviously,
David (34:29):
obviously there could be, but listen to your intuition.
Like, well now that, you know,it's like a mistake, your
intuition still might be, Hey, Idon't give a fuck.
We're still going
Sarah (34:37):
Yeah, well, I'm gonna buy 'em and it's gonna be warm.
You know, here it's frickingcold in this New York City.
I'm like, oh my God.
But no, I, I think it's justlike finding my.
My ground again, you know, andthen I know this time around,
like, I am going to go like,I'm, I'm 100 percent committed,
if not even more, just like, um,but I think it's, it's just
(35:00):
like, it feels so fast.
I'm just so shocked how, like,um, everything's already lining
up.
I just, I just can't grasp.
I just can't hang on.
Like, I, so fast.
I'm like, oh my God, like, it's,it's happening.
Like, it's, it's, um, I'm here.
I'm, I'm, I'm following myintuition.
I, I, right now I'm reallyfollowing my tuition and a lot
(35:21):
of people going against me.
It's so crazy.
Like there's my old friends thatI love and dearly are like, I
don't know.
It's just not in the same.
Um, I mean, they love me and Ilove them, but it's just like,
they have a lot.
I'm rightfully so they have alot of like, um, concerns.
And then like God brings newpeople in my life, like
(35:42):
spontaneously.
I'm like, what?
Oh my God, I needed you.
Like my new soul sister that Imet, like my new soul brother
and stuff.
But, um, but it's like been sucha gift at the same time.
But anyways, yeah, so the darkretreat was in my mind the last
like couple weeks.
So I was like, oh my god I'mgonna call it
David (35:57):
Especially if it's been that long.
That's I think that's how youalso know when it's really your
intuition Like you said it'sbeen two weeks if it if it
wasn't intuitive calling youprobably let go after a few days
But because it's like lingeringand still there, you're like, oh
fuck no, this is a real desirethat I have to follow.
Sarah (36:13):
Ah, okay.
That's how I
David (36:15):
interpret it, you know, like, I think, I think there's
certainly like a learning curveto knowing when it's your
intuition.
It obviously smart starts withlike small decisions, but I, I
knew for me that I could trustit was my intuition for the
darkness retreat because I hadthat feeling already when I did
the peace core.
I didn't, I didn't know why Iwas doing the Peace Corps, but
(36:36):
like I followed that feelingthat was tugging me.
It was like, no, this is what wehave to do.
Trust me.
We have to do this.
And I was like, all right, I'mtrusting that.
And like that experience wasinsane.
I didn't really heal completelyout of that until.
Like through the darknessretreat is what really helped
bring me so much healing becausethat that experience broke me
(36:56):
for several years Turned me intoa shell, but it like ripped me
open.
Sarah (37:02):
Oh Wow So did you do the Peace Corps like right before
you went to the silent retreat?
No, the Peace Corps was
David (37:10):
from 2015 to
Sarah (37:15):
Oh, okay.
So you did for a couple ofyears.
Okay.
Yeah.
David (37:17):
And then I was, I was kind of, uh, I was in a pretty
dark place from like 2018 to2020, 2021.
Oh,
Sarah (37:27):
wow.
David (37:28):
Um, and then that's kind of, and then I started writing
and that started giving me alittle bit of life.
And then the darkness retreat.
And then from there, a yearafter the darkness retreat, I
quit my job.
Sarah (37:40):
Wow.
David (37:41):
Wow.
And then, um, yeah, a year,like, I don't know, I want to
say like a year and a half.
It's funny that you mention thatand maybe it's the direction
you're going, but I think a yearand a half after my Darkness
Retreat is when I Explored apast life regression for the
first time and that was also aninsane experience, which
connected me back to thedarkness, actually, which was
(38:01):
insane to give a little teaser.
Oh my goodness.
Tune in next week to David andSarah.
Sarah (38:11):
I know, seriously.
You're gonna be something.
You know what?
Okay.
I imagine my dark retreat.
I think I'm probably going toscream for like 24 hours.
I don't know, I what,
David (38:26):
even if that's your experience, if you're okay with
like just accepting that beingyour experience for a day, then
like so be it, maybe it's whatyou need to get out of you, you
know?
Sarah (38:36):
I mean not like scream, I think I'll be screaming out of
terror, I'll be so afraid.
I mean like, I mean this is whyI'm afraid of the dark.
I mean, um, yeah, a combo oflike watching scary movies, but
there's another part of methat's afraid of the dark.
I feel that I don't know.
I, I sense energy and I'm afraidof the energy that I will sense
(38:57):
and feel.
And so, and a lot of it comes inthe dark.
I just never embraced that.
I always thought it was like,you know, in the Christian
upbringing, especially SDA it'sconsidered dark and demonic or
all that stuff, but I don'tknow.
But, um, Yeah.
So I'm afraid of like, whatwill, what will resurface?
Will it be my head or will it bereal?
(39:19):
If it's real, how do I embraceit?
You know, but
David (39:23):
that makes sense.
Um, that makes sense.
I can definitely relate with myreligious upbringing as well.
Um, you can get a blindfold.
I took a blindfold.
I started actually, I guess Ilied.
I did prepare with a blindfold.
Sarah (39:36):
Okay.
Where did you do it in your ownroom?
Or,
David (39:39):
I mean, I would just put the blindfold on for like 10 or
15 minutes at a time just to getsmall doses.
Okay.
Just like when I wake up, Iwould do that and I would just,
I don't know.
I would kind of just like reenvision where everything in my
room is and just startpracticing that kind of spatial
awareness.
Sarah (39:53):
Okay, I mean my best friend Kurt, he's so crazy.
So Sarah, why don't we lock youin a basement and like, I was
like, no, you're not gonna lockme in a
David (40:02):
basement.
No, don't associate anythingtraumatic with it, um, more than
I swear I already do.
But it's called the MindfoldBlindfold and it's got like a
styrofoam.
It's got a styrofoam, um, filterto it kind of and uh, it's not
comfortable to wear for likesuper long periods of time.
But it does eliminate all lightlike you can look straight up at
the sun and you won't seeanything.
Sarah (40:25):
Okay.
That's very cool.
Thanks for sharing that.
Okay.
Oh, man, that was so, um, thankyou for sharing your experience,
man.
Like, it really helped me like,it validated a lot of my, my
fears and like, my curiosity toand like, um, And I can't wait
for you to do seven days.
(40:45):
But if you, if you could, ifyou're really a poet, I wonder
what else is out there for youin seven days, like, like,
seriously, like there's going tobe like.
Some other like another part ofDavid that you didn't even know
that was part of you or youprobably did
David (40:59):
I would be in like major receiving mode At least that
would be my intention eventhough I would have that
intention with a lower intentionand be open to whatever comes
up, you know, but After threedays is when the DMT in your
body will be naturally startkicking in.
What is DMT?
DMT is an ingredient that's in alot of other hallucinogens of
(41:20):
plant medicine.
Like our body can, can create itorganically under the right
circumstances.
And, and if you're in darknessafter three days, that's, that's
a circumstance where it'll starthappening.
So basically from, from whatI've read and what I've heard.
From days four to seven, threeto seven, will just be like a
(41:40):
lot of hallucinations and like alot of insane soul journeys of
just experiencing, it's, it'sbasically like, well, like what
a plant medicine would do ordarkness is just an organic way
of getting there.
Sarah (41:54):
Oh, wow.
David (41:56):
Yeah.
And so from day four to sevenwould be a fucking trip and a
half.
So that's, that's what I kind ofwant.
Sarah (42:02):
Yes, I, I think you're the right person.
I guess.
That's what I feel ready for, atleast.
I'm happy to hear your story.
What?
David (42:10):
That's what I feel ready for.
Sarah (42:12):
Okay, dude.
I, yes.
I totally, totally, um.
Rooting for you.
I really I'll be rooting for youon the sideline But um, oh my
god, David I think that's likeis that are you gonna do at the
same place where you did it at?
David (42:27):
Yeah, there's like a different owner.
It's a new probably because itwas also very hot Like I think
that was just a feature butthere's an AC in the pictures,
you know, and I was like, ohI'll be able to have a little it
was hot in that
Sarah (42:38):
room
David (42:39):
and I get there and they're like, hey the AC is
broken It is what it is.
You don't have to stay but youcan still stay And I think
that's just kind of what theytold everyone, like, Hey, you
want to do a darkness retreatwith AC?
Get the fuck out of here.
Sarah (42:52):
Oh my God.
That is so crazy.
I don't know if that's what it
David (42:59):
actually was, but yeah.
Sarah (43:01):
You did it.
Oh my goodness.
Well, like my last question.
So, like when you were in thedarkness, what did darkness look
different from what you did?
Darkness have it come in adifferent form, a different like
senses.
Yeah.
When you're in that in thedarkness for that, you know for
two days,
David (43:18):
I mean, it was just all encompassing I don't it was
everywhere.
I don't uh
Sarah (43:25):
Okay.
No, I was just wondering likewhat if it looked different if
it's the same and you know,like, um Um, yeah, I was just
wondering about darkness, likewhat would it look like?
Yeah, no,
David (43:35):
I think at one point I fooled myself into thinking I
can see the wall in front of meor something like that, you
know, or and I would reach forit and I would like kind of
trip.
I was like, oh, there's nothingthere.
I guess my mind's just trying tomake something up, but I didn't
see anything.
Like it honestly was like theblindfold.
If I turn the, if I keep theblindfold on for 24 hours, it
would kind of feel the same.
(43:56):
The energy would be verydifferent.
Oh,
Sarah (43:58):
wow.
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
David (44:00):
Um, I, I would feel remiss if I didn't, uh, offer to
share the poem I wrote beforedoing it.
Yes.
So, uh, this poem is what Iwrote before and then the very
ending of the poem, which Ishared with you in a previous
call.
I think yes, you did.
Um, that's, that's at the end.
Okay.
(44:20):
Do you want to hear thebeginning part?
Yes,
Sarah (44:22):
of course.
Please.
David (44:30):
The sirens are awesome.
Sarah (44:31):
I know it's like New York city, man.
It's like crazy.
It's been going on actually forthe last like half hour.
I'm like, what's going on in NewYork.
David (44:38):
It's all good.
All right, here we go.
All right.
I was going to take a deepbreath.
I'm going into the dark.
I don't mean to sound so stark,but the darkness has called me
(45:00):
more than anything I've embarkedon.
When I say darkness, I mean apitch black room.
Not where I meet my doom, butwhere I can face my doom.
A place to confront my own mindwithout my phone, books, music,
(45:22):
or sight.
This was existence before cominginto light.
Before my mom pushed and pushedwith all her might.
Before I ever had a sense ofwhat's wrong or what's right.
This is how I meet myself andfind my own light.
(45:44):
To be honest, I'm terrified ofthe dark.
I must be insane, but eventuallyI have to go against my own
grain.
At 29, I've never felt moremisplaced.
I'm living in this permanentstate of disgrace, doing
anything but looking life in itsface.
(46:06):
I swear my dreams are rich, butmy ambition is lost I'm like
that tooth in the corner thatnever gets flossed.
I swear the world is my Racheland I'm the Ross.
I'm begging to be seen withoutconsidering the cost.
Once I'm in the dark, I don'tknow what I'll do.
(46:32):
I'll probably start by doubtingmy entire career and then
imagine movie trailers for mynew life's premiere.
I'll feel like I'm losing mymind before reaching a new
frontier.
I read that after 24 to 36hours.
A higher consciousness appears.
(46:53):
It'll give me new intuition toface my fears and the wisdom to
transform all of my years.
This is my way of confrontingdeath.
My final destination, but I livelike infinity is left.
Can't you see?
(47:13):
The darkness will be there atthe end.
After my thirst to live devoursmy why, Once the water to my
river runs dry, And when tearsof love are all I can cry, The
darkness will be there whetherI'm ready or not, So before I go
(47:35):
back, I have to know I've giventhis all that I've got.
The darkness was a mutual friendthat introduced me to myself.
It gave me a hug and showed mewhere I lost the remote to my
(47:59):
soul.
I once threw it into the blackhole of yesterday after I put my
heart on mute and ate a tub ofwhat ifs while binge watching my
regrets.
David, are you still watching?
(48:22):
No, I'm listening.
Sarah (48:32):
Oh, I love that fucking poem.
I'm like, Oh, like everythingmelts inside.
Like my body's like, Oh, I canbreathe.
Oh, thank you for sharing yourgift to this world and being you
and claiming yourself andfinding who you are, David the
poet.
(48:53):
Thank you.
Really, thank you.
David (48:56):
Thank you.
You've really helped me to reexperience how beautiful all of
that was.
Sarah (49:03):
Does it feel like it was like yesterday when you wrote
that poem?
Like, it sounds like It's like,it's like as if you were living
in that experience.
Like, I feel it, like when youshare that poem.
Yeah,
David (49:15):
it, it, it just takes a life of its own.
And I remember just like writingit down before I got to write a
poem.
And that's what came in.
And I was like, Oh shit.
And yeah, I'm like, even towardsthe end, I had to just close my
eyes.
I was like, these words know me.
Sarah (49:32):
Oh, thank you, David.
Thank you for taking your time.
I appreciate it.
I mean, so much.
Of course.
Ah, thank you.
I'm looking forward to more, um,stories, more, um,
David (49:45):
yes, more, I'll tell you about the past life regressions.
Sarah (49:48):
Oh, what?
Wait, what?
David (49:50):
The past life regression that I did.
Sarah (49:53):
Okay.
Yes.
That'll be our next one.
That was
David (49:54):
insane.
For sure.
That's all good.
I'm so mad.
Sarah (49:57):
I can't wait.
David (49:58):
And if you do the darkness Oaxaca, Mexico, so I
can send that to you or.
Maybe you'll find it.
Yes.
Sarah (50:07):
Yes.
You can send it to me.
I'm open to anything for sure.
David (50:09):
Right on.
And
Sarah (50:10):
I
David (50:11):
actually might want to ask to post this call as like an
episode.
Sarah (50:16):
Yes.
You know, I I'm serious.
You know what it is?
It's like, I realize like phonecall podcast, like not podcast,
but phone call.
It's just like the most, it'sjust.
Unfiltered and real and like,you know, it's just, I love that
phone call conversation everytime I'm talking to my dear
friend, but oh man, I wish werecorded that.
It was so good, you know, butnow I'm like, when I heard
Alvin, I was like, oh my God,Al.
(50:38):
And then like, um, I'm like,okay, when I meet with David, I
want to record a conversation.
I think it's just, there's somuch beauty and so much lessons
and so much life in it.
We got to
David (50:49):
loop Alvin into one of these.
Yes, I know for sure.
Sarah (50:53):
Yes.
David (50:53):
All right, my friend.
Thank you so much.
I hope you came for
Sarah (50:57):
it.
Yes.
Likewise.
Thank you for sharing beingvulnerable.
Appreciate it.
David (51:02):
All right.
Have a good night.
Cool.
Sarah (51:04):
You too.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey y'all.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
If there's anything you'd liketo hear more of, if you have any
questions, uh, feel free toreach out to me on Instagram
directly@mor.Intune, MOR dotNTUE.
(51:25):
I'll also have a link in theshow notes if you wanna send me
an email if you are interestedin confronting your own
mortality the last day to joinmy group.
Is Wednesday, April 2nd.
So about a week by the time thiscomes out, which will be very
quick.
Um, I will be opening new onesor even doing one-on-one
guidance if you're interested.
(51:45):
Feel free to let me know.
Follow the call if you got it.
That's all we can do.
Alright y'all, thank you so muchand have a great rest of your
day.
What's up everyone?
(00:01):
Thank you so much for beinghere.
My name is David Morin.
This is the Year to Livepodcast.
I am so, so excited to be doingthis and I'm so excited that
you're here.
So for those of you who don'tknow me, for those of you who
do, here's a reminder of forJourney here briefly.
I am a former sales guy, turnedpoet, turned death doula turned
(00:26):
prison facilitator toward.
Embracer of the unknown and allthere is to be uncomfortable by,
I've got off the deep bend folksand there's no going back, so
here we go.
What this is is I recentlyopened my own container and
cohort for people to explorethis year to live process, to
(00:49):
explore the question of what itwould mean if you only had one
year left to breathe, one yearleft of sunsets one year.
Left of your morning routine orlack of morning routine, one
year left of sleeping in right,52 Sundays, however you wanna
see that.
And so in sitting with thatcomes a large degree of
(01:14):
discomfort for many evolutionaryand society reasons, which we
will not get into right now thissecond, but.
This containers where peoplejust contemplate with that idea
every day, and it's consideratea daily microdose of mortality
for mother nature, if you will.
And so a year to live, I wouldbe remiss if I didn't say the
(01:39):
inspiration is by thisincredible meditation teacher,
death doula, writer, poet, resthis soul.
His name was Stephen Levine.
He wrote a book of the same namecalled A Year to Live, and after
working with so many people whowere dying and sat bedside with
them, he realized that almostall of them would faced with a
(02:03):
certain reality, with acertainty of a diagnosis that
they only have a few years, afew months, one year, six
months, two years left to livethat.
All of them, many of them, mostof them, I don't have a
percentage.
Most of them use this as asecond chance at life.
(02:27):
They said, oh shit, I've alwayswanted to travel and I've never
freaking traveled, and I onlyhave one year left to live.
I'm traveling, I'm leaving myjob, I'm getting a new job.
I'm building my dream house.
I'm getting a divorce.
I'm tearing my house down.
I'm gonna learn the guitar.
What has been on your heart ifyou only had one year left to
(02:47):
live?
That is the point.
So I took this class.
It was offered through the, uh,the executive director of the
Elizabeth Kubler Ross Foundationin Mexico.
An incredible teacher,transpersonal psychologist,
death doula, artist, speaker,thought leader, innovator.
She's incredible.
Her name is Wilke Roig.
(03:08):
She facilitated this class.
There was about, there's ahandful of us in there, but
during my year to liveexperience, I took it very
seriously.
I showed up every month halfwayin tears, some, some months
most, but I committed sofiercely to this idea because I
wanted to learn how I can betterserve people who I know are
dying with my death doula haton.
(03:31):
And I had a profound healingjourney through the process.
And so here I am, I wanted tospread this to others and um,
what you can expect here is I'llbe talking to one person, maybe
a couple outside of our monthly.
Private group calls, but thesewould be more public calls or
(03:52):
that we would just talk on theside to process what they're
going through.
Um, I want to be clear that I amnot here to tell anyone what to
do with their lives.
I am not anyone's guru.
I am a student of mortality.
I have taken the front row seat.
This is me being the nerd of allnerds and saying, I took notes
(04:12):
and I'm gonna help everyoneprepare for this test.
Right.
I haven't even taken the test.
I'm just taking this class againand I'll probably take it every
year for the rest of my life.
But we are students of mortalitytogether and all I am doing is
helping others sit with thisidea because it's so damn scary.
(04:33):
It's so damn scary.
And I am convinced that we allcan arrive at our own answers.
We all have very unique lives,very unique.
Childhoods unique traumas.
Unique.
Unique wins.
We all have very unique livesand we're gonna have a very
(04:54):
unique dying experience when thetime comes.
And so this is up to us.
It's up to you to to get youranswers and find your own peace.
And I believe that sitting withmortality, if this daily
microdose is the key to findingthat peace and stillness except.
We need to be able to explore itand contemplate on it enough in
(05:16):
a, in a safe and appreciatedspace.
And because so many of us cannottolerate these conversations
longer than a few seconds,that's, that's where my
superpower comes in.
I'll sit with it.
I'll let you roll in the mudwith it and you can just, uh.
Find some peace through it, somestillness, and I'll be here
(05:37):
throughout the process.
I know it's not super goodselling point, but it's, I'm not
even selling, it's just what Ido.
I help people look at the mud,sit in the mud, love the mud,
and realize that they are themud.
Alright, so I will probably haveanother episode where I go more
into detail, but I want tointroduce this next, uh, this
(05:57):
first episode.
It started with a phone callfrom a wonderful friend of mine,
uh, Sarah.
Ash, I met her through anothergreat friend of mine, Alvin, my
desired doula buddy.
Thank you, sir.
For ever grateful for, for youfor this connection.
Um, Sarah and I hit it offimmediately.
Um, actually we were introducedvia text last year at an end
(06:19):
well conference, which is aconference for kind of death
nerds and death workers.
And, um, we didn't, I didn'trealize I was at the same
conference as her.
I arrived at the conferencewhile we were text messaging and
I said, Hey, I have a busyweekend.
Lemme just get to you next weekand we can find a time to chat.
I had a busy weekend'cause Iwould be at this conference and
it turns out she was at the sameconference, so we didn't get to
(06:40):
meet there.
I think we passed, we, wecrossed paths once, but we
reconnected shortly after andshe is a part of this.
Journey that I'm facilitatingfor people who want to explore
their mortality with a pretenddeadline of one year out into
the future.
And anyways, before thatstarted, we were just having
phone calls and we were havingsuch great phone calls, and I've
(07:02):
been having such amazing phonecalls with so many people over
the last couple years that I'vebeen saying I need to record
this phone call.
And I never do this time I did.
So this episode is a recordedphone call just on Apple record.
Every few minutes you might hearlike a little beep beep, beep
beep, like super short minorthat shows it's still recording.
You might hear sirens, um, youmight hear whatever it is on the
(07:25):
phone call.
It's pretty raw.
I edit it as best as I could,but I wanted to leave it pretty
raw for the most part.
So thank you for being here.
In this episode, uh, Sarah isexploring doing a darkness
meditation retreat.
She learned that I had done ofone, so she called me to ask
about my experience and Irealized that it really do much
(07:46):
justice to this experience andtalking about it.
So I'm actually really excited.
She really helped me relive theexperience of how much fun and
sacred and beautiful and.
Life changing.
It was for me.
If, if you're unsure what adarkest meditation retreat is, a
darkest meditation isessentially where you, uh, are
just in a pitch black room forone day, two days, three days.
(08:08):
I did mine three days, um, like,like two days.
But where you're just in a pitchblack room, you have a shower,
you have a bed, they bring youfood without compromising light,
and uh, you're just alone withyour mind.
So I did that in 2021.
Um.
And my life changed since then,and you'll hear in the rest of
(08:29):
the episode.
Thank you for being here.
Enjoy this episode.
Talk soon.
David (08:33):
mine's recording.
Is it recording for you yet?
Sarah (08:35):
This call will be recorded.
Okay.
David (08:38):
All right.
Sarah (08:40):
All right.
That's cool.
I'm excited.
Okay.
That's so funny.
How I just recorded like that byaccident.
But, um, yeah, nothing's anaccident.
David (08:47):
Nothing's an accident.
Sarah (08:48):
I know, you're right, I love that.
Yes, you're right, nothing isThat is my new mantra, nothing
is an accident.
Okay, yeah, I love that.
Um, well, let me David, David, Ihave a question though, so Okay,
did you do any prep work beforeyou decided to do No, very
little.
Oh, I had a few months.
You never did like, retreats?
(09:10):
You never did silent retreats orany of that stuff?
No,
David (09:12):
no, I never did anything.
Yeah, I went straight for it.
Sarah (09:15):
No.
David (09:17):
Yeah.
I, I mean, yeah.
I mean, that was it.
I had done some guidedmeditations.
I was doing yoga, but I wasdoing a lot of guided yoga, but
no, a lot of it was like, yeah,I'm not prepared to go in there,
but it's what I got to do kindof thing.
Sarah (09:33):
What?
So like, you know, okay.
David (09:35):
They had a screening call like you set up a call and you
don't just sign up and show uplike before you pay you have to
set up a zoom call I think wehad a zoom call or a whatsapp
call and they just they okay Ithink we spoke for like 30
minutes They kind of wanted tohear where my heart was and what
my intention for doing it wasand stuff like that.
And then, yeah, they, theyrecommended three nights for
(09:56):
beginners and they, theywouldn't let Okay.
Any beginners, um, book overthat many days.
Sarah (10:02):
This is what like, baffles me.
You said you were scared of thedark because I'm scared of the
dark.
How did you even like Yeah, Iwas really scared of.
David (10:09):
Is there a
Sarah (10:09):
reason why you're scared of the dark?
Like you just, as a kid, alwaysbeen scared of the dark?
Yeah, just
David (10:13):
as a kid, I was always scared of the dark.
Um, I was always scared of thedark.
I, I always needed like somelight on to sleep.
Yeah.
You know, I just remembersometimes as a kid, I think I
would watch scary movies andthen I'll just be terrified.
And like, I, I have, you know,there's memories of like peeing
my bed from being so scared andstuff.
So like, yeah, I don't, I don'tthink it was.
(10:34):
Completely rational anymore.
I think it was just fromchildhood, and even I what I
remembered vividly too isGrowing up.
We used to clean my mom's churchor the church we grew up going
to we would help clean it And sowe'd go like on a random weekday
to clean it And you're in thishuge sanctuary, and when we
turned the lights off, it wasalways terrifying.
Sarah (10:56):
I mean, in the church, I'd be terrified, too.
I mean, like, there's a deviland an angel, that war.
I guess
David (11:01):
so.
I don't know, but I just, Ithought about that when doing
the darkness retreat.
It's like, man, I was always soscared of church.
Like, that was a holy place.
Why, why was I afraid of thedarkness?
That's
Sarah (11:11):
so, that is so interesting.
I love how you say, like, Whywould I be scared of church?
That's a holy place.
That's so, that's so true.
So true.
David (11:20):
Yeah Yeah, and then when I first got there There was a
guide who walked in with me andhe kind of showed me some, uh,
breathing exercises that I coulddo during the dark.
And he was there if I asked anyquestions, if I had any
questions for him before going.
And, uh he lit a candle andbefore he left, he's like, you
(11:44):
can blow this candle out.
Now you can blow it out latertomorrow.
The choice is yours.
This is your experience I waslike, all right Stop
Sarah (11:55):
it.
He just like give you a candleand you can like blow it out
whenever you want There's nolike
David (12:03):
oh my god.
Well, I mean, yeah, we had aminute to sit down and talk and
stuff and then That was kind ofafter before he left um,
Sarah (12:10):
but what was the room like i'm curious like like It's
obviously this, the bathroom,right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a
David (12:18):
bathroom.
Yeah.
So, um, obviously before I letit out, I kind of reorient
myself in the room.
Um, there's a, it's like kind oflike a L shape, like a really
thick, short L.
Um, there's like a bed when youwalk in.
Um, there's like a table areawhere there's water up against
the wall.
(12:38):
And then there is a bathroom anda shower.
They kind of occupy the samespace.
They're very close to eachother.
And I don't remember if therewas a shower mat in there, but
yeah, I was in the same placebasically.
Um, so I would always showerafter using the bathroom just to
play it safe.
I
Sarah (13:02):
mean, this is so funny.
Cause like, I was thinking like,okay, when the lights it's out,
like.
Then you had to reorientyourself kind of like feel your
way through like yeah, well, youknow Completely dark that is
where my head went.
David (13:17):
That is where my head went.
I was like, oh, I got to figureeverything out Let me check
everything out in my bags.
And that was me trying tocontrol the situation, you know
Find out where everything is.
And so I'm over here getting toOCD mode.
Where's all this?
Where's all this?
Where's all this and then I justheard like this very calm and
silent whisper amid all thechaos in my In my head and it
(13:37):
was just like blow it out And Iwas like, what the fuck?
I was like, who is that?
And I was like, no, I gotta doit.
It said it again.
It started.
Oh my goodness.
It said it again.
It was like, blow it out.
And I was like, fuck.
So I just listened and I blew itout right then and there.
Okay,
Sarah (13:53):
so you blew it out.
And then what, what was theinitial first, like, body
response or your mind?
David (13:59):
I felt consumed.
I felt,
Sarah (14:03):
I
David (14:04):
felt, I felt baptized.
Sarah (14:07):
What?
The moment you blew out thecandle.
Yeah,
David (14:10):
I felt consumed.
I felt reunited.
I felt whole.
I felt peace.
What?
I felt like I got a big hug.
It was insane.
That was euphoric.
Sarah (14:23):
Wow.
And then like, but like the, butthe moment, the feeling that you
felt before you blew out thecandle, you were saying like,
felt like OCD, you need to like,you need to control the
situation.
And then like that moment youblew out the candle, it was like
you were consumed and baptized.
That was
David (14:41):
surrender.
That was surrender.
What?
That was surrender.
Sarah (14:46):
David, I
David (14:46):
cannot imagine.
That feeling, that feeling wassurrender.
Oh my God.
I just put two and two together.
That was it.
Yeah, I was experiencingsurrender.
I was like, none of it matters.
None of it matters.
Sarah (15:01):
If that first second was like pivotal and so monumental,
like I can't imagine the nextlike 72 hours.
So, I mean, like, I mean,there's, there was no screaming,
no panic attacks, no, like,
David (15:17):
Well, yes, there, there were.
Um, but that was to, because Iwas dumb and so in my organ, I
still tried to organize my stuffin the dark.
You know, there was meditationpillows, so I made sure that I
put a pillow at the, at eachedge, because I, at each, at
each edge of a wall because Ididn't want to, um, stub my
(15:38):
toes.
Sarah (15:38):
Yeah, yeah.
David (15:40):
So I was like, let's, let's pull number one, then I
can roam around freely.
And um.
Yeah, I did that.
I, I was like pacing a lot, youknow, like you just learn to
listen to your mind But I wasdumb and I had taken some
edibles with me some weed.
Sarah (15:57):
Yeah
David (15:58):
Yeah, I was
Sarah (15:59):
wondering if they allowed to take edible.
Okay.
Why was that a dumb thing?
David (16:03):
because well, so To backtrack real quick, when you
said, like, if they would check,or, um, when I was first talking
to them about wanting to do theretreat, I told them that I was
also considering doing peyote,uh, peyote, um, during that same
visit to Mexico, and theystrongly discouraged it.
They're like, no, no, no, no,no, you don't want to do that.
(16:24):
And I was like, what?
Sarah (16:25):
What is it called?
Like
David (16:26):
peyote, peyote?
What is that?
It's like a cactus.
I think it's, I believe it'slike a hallucinogen from, uh,
uh, plant medicine from cactus.
Or something like that.
Oh my God.
Sarah (16:36):
I never heard of that.
Okay.
I
David (16:38):
could be wrong, but I know it's, it's a, it's another
part of like Mother Nature'smedicine out there.
Sarah (16:42):
Okay.
David (16:43):
And um, but they strongly discouraged it.
And I was like, well, I'm tryingto get like as much healing and
reflection as I can get.
And they're like, well, you'd belike, you might get more lost
and visit two differentteachers.
Oh, wow.
I was
Sarah (16:56):
like,
David (16:57):
oh sure.
So I was like, okay, that makessense.
And they're like, the darknessis a very ancient teacher.
It's potent.
Oh my goodness.
Enjoy and have the darkness onits own.
You'll have plenty to learn andshe's fucking right.
It's like four years ago and I'mstill learning from it.
Sarah (17:13):
But I love that they said the darkness is your ancient
teacher.
That what they said.
David (17:19):
The darkness is an ancient teacher.
Sarah (17:21):
Oh my.
God, I never heard of that waybefore.
Okay, so what, so what happenedwhen he took the edibles?
Like he had two different, what?
I started freaking the fuckhappened, the
David (17:30):
fuck out?
When the paranoia came in, oh, Iwas freaking the fuck out.
I was like, well,
Sarah (17:35):
what did it look like?
A freak?
I'm like, freaking out too.
Like, you're alone in the dark,in silent.
Like,
David (17:41):
yeah, I was freaking the fuck out.
I was like, oh my gosh.
I'm I, I just.
Help them kidnap me.
I was like, I'm locked in thisroom Um, I was like what's gonna
stop them from coming in whenI'm sleeping and actually
kidnapping me I was like not adamn thing.
And so like there was waterjugs, you know, there's big five
gallon water jugs.
Yeah, I Was moving them in thedark to cover the table or to
(18:05):
cover the entrance?
I was like if they come now,they're gonna come up against
this water.
I'm gonna hear it.
I'm gonna hear it And I wasdoing that.
I was freaking out.
Like I cheated.
I got on my phone and I waslooking up reviews and I was
like, bitch, you did this.
I was like, you did all thisalready.
(18:25):
You're sick.
You did all this before.
And then I called a friend.
I called a friend on WhatsAppand I was like, Hey, could you
look up reviews here?
I think I'm being kidnapped.
Sarah (18:43):
Stop it.
Stop it.
I love it.
David (18:48):
He's like, you're just freaking out.
I like had to bring myself out.
I was like, no, no, I'm fine.
This is what you wanted.
I'm here.
So it was awful.
I was panicking a lot.
And then I eventually, like Iturned on the candle again for a
(19:09):
little while.
Sarah (19:10):
So they let you turn light up the candle again.
Like what a match?
David (19:14):
Yeah, I found the match.
Well, I had my phone.
So I use that as like the light
Sarah (19:18):
I always wonder how do you find the match?
Okay, awesome.
Yeah,
David (19:21):
or I would just set it where I Okay, you know, but um
Yeah, and I just fell asleep andI kind of slept it off and I was
like that was dumb Oh
Sarah (19:33):
my gosh, yeah Okay.
So the first, that was a crazy24 hour journey.
The first 24 hours.
The first 12 hours.
David (19:44):
Yeah.
The first 12 hours.
Sarah (19:45):
Okay.
David (19:46):
Yeah.
And then
Sarah (19:46):
you slept and then when you woke up, I'm curious, like,
like, because there's no senseof time or, well, you had your
phone, so you could like, arethere's rules that you can have
your phone for time or?
No, no,
David (19:58):
obviously you're not supposed to have your phone.
Um, you're not supposed to haveany kind of light.
And so, I, you know, I was justexposed to my mind.
I had a front row seat to mymind.
And I was just like, I wasobsessed with the time.
I was obsessed with the time.
Because I woke up and I waslike, what time is it?
What time is it?
What am I going to do?
(20:18):
Like, is it breakfast?
What's going on?
What time is it?
What time is it?
And then I couldn't decide ondoing anything because I didn't
know what time it was.
Cause it's like, Oh, I mightwant to, I might want to
meditate, but it's like, Oh, butif they're going to come, I
don't want to meditate yet.
So I was just going around incircles and circles and circles.
And then I was like, what thefuck does it matter?
(20:38):
I'm here for two days.
Oh
Sarah (20:43):
my
David (20:43):
goodness.
Yeah.
You know, um.
Kind of just like seeing it forwhat it was, and it's like, what
the fuck are you going crazyabout, dude?
Sarah (20:54):
Oh my goodness.
So then like, were you able tosurrender to time at some point?
Or you like Um,
David (21:00):
well, I, I think taking naps helped.
I remember taking a lot of naps.
Okay.
They, they told, they told methat, um, that's what the body
would naturally do.
That normal
Sarah (21:08):
body would naturally be quiet.
Yeah, that's what I waswondering, like, okay.
Yeah.
It's like
David (21:11):
going into the womb.
Oh
Sarah (21:13):
my goodness.
I love that.
David (21:14):
Going to the womb.
Yeah, you're going into thewomb.
And, um, yeah, so I took somenaps.
I took a lot of showers.
Um, I would do meditating.
That was when I did the who am Imeditation.
Um, I just sat on the meditationpillow and I was just asking
myself over and over, who am I?
(21:35):
And, um, you know, like whenthey teach us to meditate, it's
always like, you know, justacknowledge those thoughts that
come in and let them go andreturn to the breath, return to
the breath.
So every time I was doing Who AmI, I would say Who Am I out
loud, I would have a bunch of,um, lines and rhymes just like
come to my mind, you know, likeI was, because I had just
(21:58):
started writing poetry like,like two or three months before
that.
And so it was consuming me.
I had even written poetry rightbefore going in.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
So I do this Who Am I meditationand like, fuck, it's just
nothing but poems, nothing butlines.
And I'm like, get the fuck outof here.
I'm trying to meditate.
Like, and it's like, they werecoming even louder and faster.
(22:21):
And so I just like kind of puttwo and two together and I was
like, Oh shit.
I'm a poet.
Oh my
Sarah (22:29):
God.
David (22:30):
Out loud.
I fell back, like, on the floor,I felt pushed down by the energy
of it, and I felt consumedagain, like, that baptism
feeling, I was just laughing soloud, and crying, like, in the
fetal position, it just, like,it felt like a reunion, I was
(22:50):
like, this is who I am, I'm a
Sarah (22:51):
boy! Oh my god! Wow!
David (22:55):
Yeah, it was crazy.
And so that was just euphoricfor a few hours, for I don't
know, the rest of the night.
I couldn't even tell you whatday or time that was.
Um, yeah, that was, and I waslike, oh shit, this is what I
came here for.
Like, this is what I came herefor.
Sarah (23:12):
Wow.
I'm just processing this all in,like, um, you know, like, I just
imagined, like, you know, I wasjust thinking, like, how you
were, like, um, you know,meditating, and you're like, get
my thoughts up, my rhymes, mypoems, and meanwhile, you're
like, who am I?
Who am I?
And then you realize, oh my god,I'm a fucking poet.
(23:32):
And then, like, I mean, like, ohmy god, just like that
paragraph, just like that scene,it's just so powerful.
That's such a You know,ourselves at war with each
other, you know, like trying tolike, and then somehow try to
embrace those two worlds, likethose two parts.
Um, wow.
(23:53):
That's so crazy, Dave.
Beautiful.
Like, just like this, you know,that this awakening, realizing
that coming to your heart, thisis who you are.
A poet, David, I am a poet, youknow, and then like, and then
you fell backward and baptizedagain.
Motherfucker.
I had a couple
David (24:10):
of, uh, I had a couple of soul orgasms, I guess,
Sarah (24:15):
I think it is soul orgasm.
Can I ask you a personalquestion?
You don't like do people likemasturbate there or they're like
against like, I'm just curious.
David (24:24):
I did.
I did.
Well,
Sarah (24:26):
are you not allowed to?
That's like a natural thing.
No, you can do it.
David (24:29):
I
Sarah (24:29):
mean, yeah.
Okay, I was wondering, I'm like,I wonder if like, Maybe you
probably
David (24:33):
wouldn't want to, but you know, there is, there is
something to be said about alsohaving a very healthy and, um,
sacred relationship to oursexuality.
Sarah (24:41):
Oh, totally.
They say it's like a portal,like another way of, um, you
know, embracing, the sexualityin yourself is also another way
of connecting to oh, yeah Godyourself, but I was just like,
oh when you said soul orgasm.
I love that soul orgasm Yeah,
David (24:59):
you know i'm glad you asked but that was actually
That's probably been my most, Idon't know, like enjoyable,
memorable experience ever doingit.
Sarah (25:07):
Oh, that's so
David (25:08):
special.
I was like, Oh shit, this iscrazy.
And then just went back todefiling it with porn, but we're
only human.
Sarah (25:18):
Oh my God.
I love it.
So this is now the second day,right?
So the second baptismal, thesecond day, I think
David (25:24):
is by the second day where I experienced that
because.
So I was in there.
I was in there two nights.
I was supposed to be in therethree, but there's actually a
Misunderstanding or a mistakewhen I first got there And I was
it was starting a day later thanI had planned and expected
Sarah (25:41):
Okay
David (25:42):
So if I had remained with the original plans I would have
gotten out of that third daythat that morning
Sarah (25:51):
and gone
David (25:51):
straight to the airport Oh.
And I was like, no, fuck no.
Sarah (25:56):
Yeah.
I mean, I, when I said, Oh, I'mlike, Ooh, that's like, I don't
know.
You might go to PTSD goingstraight to the airport from
David (26:03):
exactly.
I need time to integrate andjust process.
And so.
Right, right.
So I got out a night early.
I decided to do it like lastminute.
I knew going in that that wasgoing to be my last night and
the next morning.
Okay.
And I was like, how did you do
Sarah (26:15):
that?
Did you like, like, Hey, like, Ididn't wait.
I just left.
No,
David (26:19):
no one was there.
So I just left.
I left the money in like a cashthing and I sent them a message.
Oh
Sarah (26:24):
my
David (26:24):
God.
Yeah.
I just left.
Um, yeah, I felt like I'd gottenwhat I went for after the
poetry, like baptism, you know,I was like, that's what the fuck
I came here for.
I was like, let me get out ofhere.
Let me go enjoy the beach andI'll go home tomorrow.
Sarah (26:40):
Oh my goodness.
So let me back it up a littlebit.
So when you got out, like.
Do you remember what your bodyfelt?
Your mind?
Like, everything?
Like, like, this, I mean, Idon't know.
Like, now you're out of thewomb.
I felt
David (26:53):
high.
I felt high.
I just felt so high on life.
Like, I couldn't, I couldn'treally, I don't know.
Like, I just, I was so excited.
I was overwhelmed with life and,like, with joy and purpose and
love and, yeah, it was just sucha big natural high.
I remember just going to thebeach, walking around, and it's
like, I was, I had too muchenergy to just sit.
(27:15):
I was freaking out.
I should have, I should havewritten, but I just went for a
walk, and I remember recording avideo.
I'll probably look for it.
I recorded a video talking tomyself and posted it on my
Instagram at the time, I think.
Sarah (27:29):
Oh, that is amazing.
Are you allowed to recordyourself, like, in the silent
retreat?
You know, like, just like,ordinarily?
I think you
David (27:37):
can.
There's, um, there's, uh, AubreyMarcus.
He had, he had made, like, adocumentary of his darkness
retreat.
Sarah (27:43):
Oh, okay.
I
David (27:44):
personally wouldn't.
Okay, why?
Well, unless I knew I couldtrust myself to, like, Actually
not change my behavior becauseof it, but I feel like I feel
like subconsciously if you know,you're being watched I don't
know.
It's like are you gonna that'sso true.
Sarah (28:01):
I didn't think about that.
I probably like don't forget tosubscribe
David (28:06):
People can do that like maybe my I'm just not at a level
of my relationship to my ego orwhatever Right some people can I
will need more time, but if I doit again, I would do seven days
Sarah (28:20):
What the fuck seven days David
David (28:23):
I think so
Sarah (28:24):
you said seven
David (28:24):
yeah,
Sarah (28:26):
there's seven days Okay, I I'm gonna I mean
David (28:29):
There's seven ten, you know, these were initiations
back to the day of ourancestors.
You'd go into a cave for amonth.
Oh
Sarah (28:39):
My god, I mean that that's I you know, it's amazing,
you know, it's so crazy and likeThe way that you did it, I love
it because it's like, at the endof the day, it's your intuition,
right?
It's your intuition, the highercall, it's calling you.
David (28:56):
And I think if there's gonna be a sub step of having to
be ready.
It's not your intuition.
That's where you like you becomelouder than your intuition
because you're never fuckingready Every fucking great story
of anyone who followed theirtheir inner calling, They were
never
Sarah (29:12):
fucking
David (29:13):
ready
Sarah (29:14):
That's so true.
I love that.
Thank you for the reminder.
You're right like Every greatleadership, every great person
that would never read it, ordidn't want to yet, and then,
like, surrendered.
They didn't
David (29:25):
want it, or they were just thrust into it.
Yes.
Um, the, yeah, the doing is the,is the preparation.
You become prepared in thedoing.
Sarah (29:35):
Mmm.
I love that.
Can you say it again?
In the doing?
David (29:39):
You become prepared in the doing.
Sarah (29:43):
God, like, but so how old were you when you did the silent
retreat, the dark retreat?
David (29:48):
I was 20, 28, 29, 30, maybe I was turning 30.
You know, it's funny.
I did it during 4th of Julyweekend.
So that was like my independenceday.
Sarah (30:01):
Oh my God.
That is so crazy.
Oh my goodness.
So you want to do it again?
Like, I think it was awesome.
I think it was inspiring thatlike you were able to do that.
And like, um, I love yourprocess.
No, I was thinking about it thepast week.
I was like, Oh my God, I keptthinking about it.
And all my friends are like.
Even my former therapist likealmost had a heart attack when I
(30:24):
told him and he and he does like10 days silent retreat And he's
like he looked at me like he'slike hey, I mean, he's ready
white and he got more white Iwas like Josh and he's like
Sarah I was up that exists.
I'm like, yeah um Interesting
David (30:44):
how, how, how, it's so scary for everyone and when you
get to the bottom of it, it'slike, you're just with yourself,
why is that so sca The fact thatthat scares you should scare
you!
Sarah (30:54):
I, I know, but you know what, I'll be honest with you
too, I'm scared of findingmyself again, and you know,
like, um, I'm finding the Sarahthat the child, like Sarah that
I was before.
And then I know the type ofperson I am is that once I know,
(31:15):
like, once I'm awakened, Icannot go back.
I will go a hundred, I give ahundred fifty percent and like
being in this journey, you know,and it's like,
David (31:25):
So is it part of like the, you know, Cypher, I think
Cypress or Cypher in, in Matrixwhere he's like, I want to go
back.
Like, I want to stay asleep.
Ignorance is bliss.
Sarah (31:35):
Sometimes, yeah.
Like, I remember telling myguide, like, Man, like, this
awakening part of remembering,like, you know, I'm assuming,
like, we all go in the stages ofawakening, right?
Stages of spiritual, like, um,You know, spiritual growth, like
in every cycle that we gothrough.
But, um, and I, I remembersaying, wow, it's a, it's a
(31:57):
little lonely.
Like, you know, was it thisbetter?
Was it really good?
But then I know in my heart andsoul and like.
No, this is the right thing.
This is like, um, this is thereality.
Like, this is the real, youknow, like, experience of full
joy and love and grief andanger.
This is the real thing.
Um, I just know, like, I willeven go further and, and, Love
(32:21):
life even more.
You know what I mean?
I don't, I don't know how toexplain it, but it's like I
can't, it's like, I guess it'slike a relationship, right?
Yeah.
Like you're just dating and astime goes, you get really
invested in it and then you putmore energy into this and like,
um,
David (32:36):
so I'm what it's calling you.
What, what's calling you to go?
Sarah (32:40):
I don't know that there's part of me that's part of me
that's scared of the, like, howstrong I am.
Like, I'm, I think, I don't knowif I believe in past life, but I
do, I believe in everything.
I believe, like, somewhere I wasa fighter, a fighter and a lover
at the same time.
And so, I'm trying to like,figure out what that means, what
(33:01):
that looks like.
Um, and I think it's, um, Ithink like part of me is like, I
wake up so many times and I'mlike, Oh my God, I'm a
storyteller, but how do I tellstories?
Like, how, how is this going tobe a life?
Like, how do I like, you know,make a living out of this?
How do I, you know, like, and Iget all in my head.
(33:22):
So actually next week I'm goingto a storytelling workshop in
Miami, which I'm like.
Kind of like not excited justbecause um, I met some of the
people there through zoom Andi'm not trying to be like, I I
don't want to be Not i'm notsaying judgy, but it's like the
questions they asked like we hadto do a cyber david Like the
(33:43):
questions are like, what arethree things you value?
What makes you feel alive?
and like I was just kind of sadby the responses the response
was like Um, seeing my businessthrive makes me feel alive.
Um, and I wanted to like, yeah,that's great.
But what's more like once you,once your business is gone, what
makes you thrive?
What makes you alive?
(34:05):
Um, and then I realized, oh man,I'm probably at the wrong
storytelling.
I realized I looked it up,David.
It's like a storytellingconference for those who are
like already have the lifecoaching business.
I didn't even realize.
I was like, fuck, I'm in thewrong one.
David (34:22):
Well, hey, there are no, there, there are no accidents.
Do you remember?
I know
Sarah (34:25):
that.
Oh, you are right.
I love that.
Thank you.
So, um, well, there, obviously,
David (34:29):
obviously there could be, but listen to your intuition.
Like, well now that, you know,it's like a mistake, your
intuition still might be, Hey, Idon't give a fuck.
We're still going
Sarah (34:37):
Yeah, well, I'm gonna buy 'em and it's gonna be warm.
You know, here it's frickingcold in this New York City.
I'm like, oh my God.
But no, I, I think it's justlike finding my.
My ground again, you know, andthen I know this time around,
like, I am going to go like,I'm, I'm 100 percent committed,
if not even more, just like, um,but I think it's, it's just
(35:00):
like, it feels so fast.
I'm just so shocked how, like,um, everything's already lining
up.
I just, I just can't grasp.
I just can't hang on.
Like, I, so fast.
I'm like, oh my God, like, it's,it's happening.
Like, it's, it's, um, I'm here.
I'm, I'm, I'm following myintuition.
I, I, right now I'm reallyfollowing my tuition and a lot
(35:21):
of people going against me.
It's so crazy.
Like there's my old friends thatI love and dearly are like, I
don't know.
It's just not in the same.
Um, I mean, they love me and Ilove them, but it's just like,
they have a lot.
I'm rightfully so they have alot of like, um, concerns.
And then like God brings newpeople in my life, like
(35:42):
spontaneously.
I'm like, what?
Oh my God, I needed you.
Like my new soul sister that Imet, like my new soul brother
and stuff.
But, um, but it's like been sucha gift at the same time.
But anyways, yeah, so the darkretreat was in my mind the last
like couple weeks.
So I was like, oh my god I'mgonna call it
David (35:57):
Especially if it's been that long.
That's I think that's how youalso know when it's really your
intuition Like you said it'sbeen two weeks if it if it
wasn't intuitive calling youprobably let go after a few days
But because it's like lingeringand still there, you're like, oh
fuck no, this is a real desirethat I have to follow.
Sarah (36:13):
Ah, okay.
That's how I
David (36:15):
interpret it, you know, like, I think, I think there's
certainly like a learning curveto knowing when it's your
intuition.
It obviously smart starts withlike small decisions, but I, I
knew for me that I could trustit was my intuition for the
darkness retreat because I hadthat feeling already when I did
the peace core.
I didn't, I didn't know why Iwas doing the Peace Corps, but
(36:36):
like I followed that feelingthat was tugging me.
It was like, no, this is what wehave to do.
Trust me.
We have to do this.
And I was like, all right, I'mtrusting that.
And like that experience wasinsane.
I didn't really heal completelyout of that until.
Like through the darknessretreat is what really helped
bring me so much healing becausethat that experience broke me
(36:56):
for several years Turned me intoa shell, but it like ripped me
open.
Sarah (37:02):
Oh Wow So did you do the Peace Corps like right before
you went to the silent retreat?
No, the Peace Corps was
David (37:10):
from 2015 to
Sarah (37:15):
Oh, okay.
So you did for a couple ofyears.
Okay.
Yeah.
David (37:17):
And then I was, I was kind of, uh, I was in a pretty
dark place from like 2018 to2020, 2021.
Oh,
Sarah (37:27):
wow.
David (37:28):
Um, and then that's kind of, and then I started writing
and that started giving me alittle bit of life.
And then the darkness retreat.
And then from there, a yearafter the darkness retreat, I
quit my job.
Sarah (37:40):
Wow.
David (37:41):
Wow.
And then, um, yeah, a year,like, I don't know, I want to
say like a year and a half.
It's funny that you mention thatand maybe it's the direction
you're going, but I think a yearand a half after my Darkness
Retreat is when I Explored apast life regression for the
first time and that was also aninsane experience, which
connected me back to thedarkness, actually, which was
(38:01):
insane to give a little teaser.
Oh my goodness.
Tune in next week to David andSarah.
Sarah (38:11):
I know, seriously.
You're gonna be something.
You know what?
Okay.
I imagine my dark retreat.
I think I'm probably going toscream for like 24 hours.
I don't know, I what,
David (38:26):
even if that's your experience, if you're okay with
like just accepting that beingyour experience for a day, then
like so be it, maybe it's whatyou need to get out of you, you
know?
Sarah (38:36):
I mean not like scream, I think I'll be screaming out of
terror, I'll be so afraid.
I mean like, I mean this is whyI'm afraid of the dark.
I mean, um, yeah, a combo oflike watching scary movies, but
there's another part of methat's afraid of the dark.
I feel that I don't know.
I, I sense energy and I'm afraidof the energy that I will sense
(38:57):
and feel.
And so, and a lot of it comes inthe dark.
I just never embraced that.
I always thought it was like,you know, in the Christian
upbringing, especially SDA it'sconsidered dark and demonic or
all that stuff, but I don'tknow.
But, um, Yeah.
So I'm afraid of like, whatwill, what will resurface?
Will it be my head or will it bereal?
(39:19):
If it's real, how do I embraceit?
You know, but
David (39:23):
that makes sense.
Um, that makes sense.
I can definitely relate with myreligious upbringing as well.
Um, you can get a blindfold.
I took a blindfold.
I started actually, I guess Ilied.
I did prepare with a blindfold.
Sarah (39:36):
Okay.
Where did you do it in your ownroom?
Or,
David (39:39):
I mean, I would just put the blindfold on for like 10 or
15 minutes at a time just to getsmall doses.
Okay.
Just like when I wake up, Iwould do that and I would just,
I don't know.
I would kind of just like reenvision where everything in my
room is and just startpracticing that kind of spatial
awareness.
Sarah (39:53):
Okay, I mean my best friend Kurt, he's so crazy.
So Sarah, why don't we lock youin a basement and like, I was
like, no, you're not gonna lockme in a
David (40:02):
basement.
No, don't associate anythingtraumatic with it, um, more than
I swear I already do.
But it's called the MindfoldBlindfold and it's got like a
styrofoam.
It's got a styrofoam, um, filterto it kind of and uh, it's not
comfortable to wear for likesuper long periods of time.
But it does eliminate all lightlike you can look straight up at
the sun and you won't seeanything.
Sarah (40:25):
Okay.
That's very cool.
Thanks for sharing that.
Okay.
Oh, man, that was so, um, thankyou for sharing your experience,
man.
Like, it really helped me like,it validated a lot of my, my
fears and like, my curiosity toand like, um, And I can't wait
for you to do seven days.
(40:45):
But if you, if you could, ifyou're really a poet, I wonder
what else is out there for youin seven days, like, like,
seriously, like there's going tobe like.
Some other like another part ofDavid that you didn't even know
that was part of you or youprobably did
David (40:59):
I would be in like major receiving mode At least that
would be my intention eventhough I would have that
intention with a lower intentionand be open to whatever comes
up, you know, but After threedays is when the DMT in your
body will be naturally startkicking in.
What is DMT?
DMT is an ingredient that's in alot of other hallucinogens of
(41:20):
plant medicine.
Like our body can, can create itorganically under the right
circumstances.
And, and if you're in darknessafter three days, that's, that's
a circumstance where it'll starthappening.
So basically from, from whatI've read and what I've heard.
From days four to seven, threeto seven, will just be like a
(41:40):
lot of hallucinations and like alot of insane soul journeys of
just experiencing, it's, it'sbasically like, well, like what
a plant medicine would do ordarkness is just an organic way
of getting there.
Sarah (41:54):
Oh, wow.
David (41:56):
Yeah.
And so from day four to sevenwould be a fucking trip and a
half.
So that's, that's what I kind ofwant.
Sarah (42:02):
Yes, I, I think you're the right person.
I guess.
That's what I feel ready for, atleast.
I'm happy to hear your story.
What?
David (42:10):
That's what I feel ready for.
Sarah (42:12):
Okay, dude.
I, yes.
I totally, totally, um.
Rooting for you.
I really I'll be rooting for youon the sideline But um, oh my
god, David I think that's likeis that are you gonna do at the
same place where you did it at?
David (42:27):
Yeah, there's like a different owner.
It's a new probably because itwas also very hot Like I think
that was just a feature butthere's an AC in the pictures,
you know, and I was like, ohI'll be able to have a little it
was hot in that
Sarah (42:38):
room
David (42:39):
and I get there and they're like, hey the AC is
broken It is what it is.
You don't have to stay but youcan still stay And I think
that's just kind of what theytold everyone, like, Hey, you
want to do a darkness retreatwith AC?
Get the fuck out of here.
Sarah (42:52):
Oh my God.
That is so crazy.
I don't know if that's what it
David (42:59):
actually was, but yeah.
Sarah (43:01):
You did it.
Oh my goodness.
Well, like my last question.
So, like when you were in thedarkness, what did darkness look
different from what you did?
Darkness have it come in adifferent form, a different like
senses.
Yeah.
When you're in that in thedarkness for that, you know for
two days,
David (43:18):
I mean, it was just all encompassing I don't it was
everywhere.
I don't uh
Sarah (43:25):
Okay.
No, I was just wondering likewhat if it looked different if
it's the same and you know,like, um Um, yeah, I was just
wondering about darkness, likewhat would it look like?
Yeah, no,
David (43:35):
I think at one point I fooled myself into thinking I
can see the wall in front of meor something like that, you
know, or and I would reach forit and I would like kind of
trip.
I was like, oh, there's nothingthere.
I guess my mind's just trying tomake something up, but I didn't
see anything.
Like it honestly was like theblindfold.
If I turn the, if I keep theblindfold on for 24 hours, it
would kind of feel the same.
(43:56):
The energy would be verydifferent.
Oh,
Sarah (43:58):
wow.
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
David (44:00):
Um, I, I would feel remiss if I didn't, uh, offer to
share the poem I wrote beforedoing it.
Yes.
So, uh, this poem is what Iwrote before and then the very
ending of the poem, which Ishared with you in a previous
call.
I think yes, you did.
Um, that's, that's at the end.
Okay.
(44:20):
Do you want to hear thebeginning part?
Yes,
Sarah (44:22):
of course.
Please.
David (44:30):
The sirens are awesome.
Sarah (44:31):
I know it's like New York city, man.
It's like crazy.
It's been going on actually forthe last like half hour.
I'm like, what's going on in NewYork.
David (44:38):
It's all good.
All right, here we go.
All right.
I was going to take a deepbreath.
I'm going into the dark.
I don't mean to sound so stark,but the darkness has called me
(45:00):
more than anything I've embarkedon.
When I say darkness, I mean apitch black room.
Not where I meet my doom, butwhere I can face my doom.
A place to confront my own mindwithout my phone, books, music,
(45:22):
or sight.
This was existence before cominginto light.
Before my mom pushed and pushedwith all her might.
Before I ever had a sense ofwhat's wrong or what's right.
This is how I meet myself andfind my own light.
(45:44):
To be honest, I'm terrified ofthe dark.
I must be insane, but eventuallyI have to go against my own
grain.
At 29, I've never felt moremisplaced.
I'm living in this permanentstate of disgrace, doing
anything but looking life in itsface.
(46:06):
I swear my dreams are rich, butmy ambition is lost I'm like
that tooth in the corner thatnever gets flossed.
I swear the world is my Racheland I'm the Ross.
I'm begging to be seen withoutconsidering the cost.
Once I'm in the dark, I don'tknow what I'll do.
(46:32):
I'll probably start by doubtingmy entire career and then
imagine movie trailers for mynew life's premiere.
I'll feel like I'm losing mymind before reaching a new
frontier.
I read that after 24 to 36hours.
A higher consciousness appears.
(46:53):
It'll give me new intuition toface my fears and the wisdom to
transform all of my years.
This is my way of confrontingdeath.
My final destination, but I livelike infinity is left.
Can't you see?
(47:13):
The darkness will be there atthe end.
After my thirst to live devoursmy why, Once the water to my
river runs dry, And when tearsof love are all I can cry, The
darkness will be there whetherI'm ready or not, So before I go
(47:35):
back, I have to know I've giventhis all that I've got.
The darkness was a mutual friendthat introduced me to myself.
It gave me a hug and showed mewhere I lost the remote to my
(47:59):
soul.
I once threw it into the blackhole of yesterday after I put my
heart on mute and ate a tub ofwhat ifs while binge watching my
regrets.
David, are you still watching?
(48:22):
No, I'm listening.
Sarah (48:32):
Oh, I love that fucking poem.
I'm like, Oh, like everythingmelts inside.
Like my body's like, Oh, I canbreathe.
Oh, thank you for sharing yourgift to this world and being you
and claiming yourself andfinding who you are, David the
poet.
(48:53):
Thank you.
Really, thank you.
David (48:56):
Thank you.
You've really helped me to reexperience how beautiful all of
that was.
Sarah (49:03):
Does it feel like it was like yesterday when you wrote
that poem?
Like, it sounds like It's like,it's like as if you were living
in that experience.
Like, I feel it, like when youshare that poem.
Yeah,
David (49:15):
it, it, it just takes a life of its own.
And I remember just like writingit down before I got to write a
poem.
And that's what came in.
And I was like, Oh shit.
And yeah, I'm like, even towardsthe end, I had to just close my
eyes.
I was like, these words know me.
Sarah (49:32):
Oh, thank you, David.
Thank you for taking your time.
I appreciate it.
I mean, so much.
Of course.
Ah, thank you.
I'm looking forward to more, um,stories, more, um,
David (49:45):
yes, more, I'll tell you about the past life regressions.
Sarah (49:48):
Oh, what?
Wait, what?
David (49:50):
The past life regression that I did.
Sarah (49:53):
Okay.
Yes.
That'll be our next one.
That was
David (49:54):
insane.
For sure.
That's all good.
I'm so mad.
Sarah (49:57):
I can't wait.
David (49:58):
And if you do the darkness Oaxaca, Mexico, so I
can send that to you or.
Maybe you'll find it.
Yes.
Sarah (50:07):
Yes.
You can send it to me.
I'm open to anything for sure.
David (50:09):
Right on.
And
Sarah (50:10):
I
David (50:11):
actually might want to ask to post this call as like an
episode.
Sarah (50:16):
Yes.
You know, I I'm serious.
You know what it is?
It's like, I realize like phonecall podcast, like not podcast,
but phone call.
It's just like the most, it'sjust.
Unfiltered and real and like,you know, it's just, I love that
phone call conversation everytime I'm talking to my dear
friend, but oh man, I wish werecorded that.
It was so good, you know, butnow I'm like, when I heard
Alvin, I was like, oh my God,Al.
(50:38):
And then like, um, I'm like,okay, when I meet with David, I
want to record a conversation.
I think it's just, there's somuch beauty and so much lessons
and so much life in it.
We got to
David (50:49):
loop Alvin into one of these.
Yes, I know for sure.
Sarah (50:53):
Yes.
David (50:53):
All right, my friend.
Thank you so much.
I hope you came for
Sarah (50:57):
it.
Yes.
Likewise.
Thank you for sharing beingvulnerable.
Appreciate it.
David (51:02):
All right.
Have a good night.
Cool.
Sarah (51:04):
You too.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey y'all.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
If there's anything you'd liketo hear more of, if you have any
questions, uh, feel free toreach out to me on Instagram
directly@mor.Intune, MOR dotNTUE.
(51:25):
I'll also have a link in theshow notes if you wanna send me
an email if you are interestedin confronting your own
mortality the last day to joinmy group.
Is Wednesday, April 2nd.
So about a week by the time thiscomes out, which will be very
quick.
Um, I will be opening new onesor even doing one-on-one
guidance if you're interested.
(51:45):
Feel free to let me know.
Follow the call if you got it.
That's all we can do.
Alright y'all, thank you so muchand have a great rest of your
day.
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