October 20, 2023 • 27 mins
You know those friendships that you just can't live without, the ones you cherish as a respite from the chaos of Hollywood? My best friend Estie and I had one of those. But after Estie’s recent move to Oregon, I've been forced to confront the harsh realities of Hollywood friendships.
From the toxic to the genuinely beautiful, I'll take you on a deep exploration of the friendships I've come to appreciate in my time as an actor. I'll also share how wise one veteran actor Kevin E West helped me redefine my understanding of friendship in the industry, and the valuable lessons I learned about recognizing a fair-weather friend.
Navigating Hollywood isn't always a walk in the park, especially with social climbers lurking in every corner. It's like trying to balance on a tightrope – maintaining an open heart, yet being cautious enough not to fall prey. In this tricky balance, I've gleaned some insights about the underlying societal pressures, cultural norms, and personal goals that drive this social climbing phenomenon.
More importantly, I’ve learned to prioritize putting myself first. I invite you to join me as we embark on a journey of self-care, empowering not just ourselves, but each other, in the unforgiving world of Hollywood.
The Hollywood Reporter
"Why Nobody in Hollywood has Any Friends"
Mind Body Green Article
"13 Types of Friends You'll Have in Your Life, From Bet to Toxic"
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tiwana (00:02):
Welcome back to Acting Lessons Learned.
I'm Tiwana Floyd and I sharethe lessons I've learned and
still learning as a workingactor in Hollywood, and I hope
my stories help you to prosperon your actor journey.
This is Episode 133.
Let's discuss HollywoodFriendships.
Cue the dramatic music Dun dundun.
(00:23):
If you're an artist residing inHollywood, you've likely
experienced at least one orthree toxic friendships that
eventually went bad.
And if you're like no, tawanna,I haven't had any bad
friendships in Hollywood, I'llgive you BoomBastic side-eye
asking if not a toxic friendship, how about a horrible roommate
(00:44):
situation?
And if you still say never hada toxic friendship or a crazy
roommate in Hollywood, tawanna,you are an anomaly and I hope
you never have to deal witheither of those situations.
What prompted me to write aboutthis topic is Estie, who I call
my bestie, my longest andgreatest friend in LA for 16
(01:06):
years, just moved to Oregon lastweek and I'm sad we have so
much in common.
She was my food snob companion,my short-stayed travel buddy,
my red and rosé wine aficionado.
We both love pretty things,deeply discounted fashion and
posh experiences.
(01:27):
Her frat boy comedy was aperfect pairing for my dark
sense of humor Y'all.
She even plucked my chin hairsthat would grow during my drive
from LA to Orange County tovisit her.
Now that's a friend.
Estie is the most generousperson I've ever met, yet she's
fiercely protective of herboundaries and loved ones.
She's a Leo son.
(01:48):
I'm a Leo rising.
I adore her and I value that.
She's not an actor or an artist.
Estie is everyday people and wehave everyday people
conversations, unless she'strying to catch me up on the
latest scandal of her favoritereality shows, which, oddly, she
and my mother have in common.
Estie has been my lovelyrespite for authentic fellowship
(02:12):
and the best thing about her isI always feel safe in her
company.
She is my confidant.
She has never tried to beanybody else and has never tried
to work an angle.
We can just be in each other'scompany with no pretense and no
mask, through tears, overstuffedbellies, tipsy stumbles,
heartbreak and finding the lovesof our life.
(02:34):
Her relocation has left me in amelancholy mood, but I know
this move will be the best thingfor her future, so my happiness
for the next phase of her lifesupersedes my melancholy Quite.
Frankly, I don't know how longI'll remain in SoCal.
(02:55):
Estie planned this move aboutsix months ago, but the grief
only settled in as we got closerto the date and it's been a lot
to handle, you know.
Sometimes it's like am I sad?
Why am I sad?
Oh, your friend just left.
That's why you're sad, girl.
It's okay.
It's okay to sit in thesefeelings.
(03:16):
I've had surprise tears creep upon me at varying moments and we
cried together, me and Estie,as I told her what her
friendship has meant to me.
During our favorite pastime,splitting a rib by steak,
truffle fries and a wedged saladat Morton's, using gift cards
from Costco because we love adiscount.
I am incredibly grateful forour time together.
(03:40):
I mean, what are the odds thata black girl from the Bronx and
a Korean girl from Marylandwould move across the country
and meet on a job in OrangeCounty to become close friends?
We most definitely won thefriend lottery.
They say friendships are areason, a season and a lifetime,
but I know our friendshipwasn't a season.
(04:00):
We'll still go on our girls'trips and I'll visit her in
Oregon because it's not that faraway and she'll come here as
well.
But the reality if I'm keepingit at 100, is long-distance
friendships change, so we'll seewhat it looks like.
Thankfully, I still have my EastCoast homies here in LA,
crystal and Anthony.
(04:21):
All three of us are Gemini, sowe stay productive and it's
seldom that our schedules align.
Crystal is in her mom's onlygroup between age, college
preparatory life and, aunt, thatdude is the wind.
He's not in the wind, he is thewind.
So I ask myself, do I want tostart cultivating a new serious
(04:43):
friendship all over again?
I don't know.
I'm like dating that's justhard.
And if I start thinking aboutall the past failed Hollywood
acquaintances, ships and the tworoommate situations I endured,
I'm like yeah, nah, I'm callingno whammy because I'm no longer
willing to press my luck onfinding my new best friend, and
(05:05):
the non-toxic people I've met inLA have already been
categorized into varying degreesof friendship.
Estee is irreplaceable.
She has been the constantcomfort in my LA experience.
Now, those toxic relationshipsthat I won't talk about left me
questioning how in the hell didI prematurely give these folks
(05:26):
the title of friend when theyhadn't even earned it and
probably never would have?
But when you're a transplant,especially in a metropolitan
city, you're looking for peopleto connect with to.
Like Andre 3000 says, I needsomebody to smooth that thing
out a little bit, and I do havea few friends for that.
You know the term friendship.
(05:47):
It's used so loosely in LosAngeles and it kind of makes me
cringe every time I hear or sayit.
There's someone who said Ithink it's Kevin E West.
If Kevin, if you're listening,be like yeah, that was me girl.
I think it was him that saidlisten, stop calling everyone
your friend.
If you stay in LA long enough,you'll find out you have fewer
(06:07):
friends than you think.
And I'm paraphrasing and evenmade a comparison to LA
friendships, to a revolving doorwhere people come and go in and
out of our lives, and I caneven hear my mother is all too
familiar voice saying that girlis not your friend, tawanna, you
better watch yourself with her.
Wait, let me back up a bitbecause let me rephrase that
last, that last portion it's notLA that makes people phony,
(06:32):
it's Hollywood, the 30 mile zone, aka TMZ.
It's no secret that Hollywoodhas a systemic problem that
often brings out the worst inpeople.
Hollywood is the phony with itssmoke and mirrors, botox,
facelifts, non-aging celebrities, people afraid to say what's
truly on their mind for fear oflosing opportunities.
(06:53):
Hollywood is the culprit.
In 2019, the Hollywood reporterreleased an article titled why
Nobody in Hollywood has Friends.
And it commented, and I quoteFriend in Hollywood is a
malleable term, one that has itsown definition, not to be found
in a dictionary.
(07:13):
In Hollywood, it's toofrequently the core of a
maelstrom that pits oneindividual against another.
The history of Hollywood isfull of faux and fractured
friendships, end quote.
And then it offered an exampleof a very public Hollywood
BFFude between Michael Ovitz,co-founder of CAA, and Michael
(07:35):
Eisner, former chair of Disney.
Wow, hollywood is full of fauxand fractured friendships.
That statement should be in theunofficial Welcome to Hollywood
handbook for everyone movinghere, and I say unofficial
because the official one won'ttell you the truth.
I feel like knowing this wouldhave helped us move a little
(07:57):
differently, right, like thepeople who moved here, like, if
you knew that you can like,really just like, suss people
out a little bit more.
I did a Google search onfriendship classifications,
wondering is there a list of thetypes of friendships?
And there was.
I found an article onmindbodygreencom titled 13 types
of friends you'll have in yourlife, from best to toxic,
(08:21):
written by contributing sex andrelationships editor, kelly
Gonzalez.
There's a link to the articlein my description if you'd like
to read it.
But Kelly segmented the 13types into two groups eight good
types and five toxic types.
The good types the best friendyou know you're right to die.
Reliable and trustworthy, likemy ST.
Two social friend you know thatfun person for the events and
(08:44):
the social settings.
Three the low dose friends.
We like them but only in lowdoses because they're a lot and
not always in a bad way.
Four group friends you mostlyonly hang out with them in a
group.
Five situational friends weconnect meaningfully in a
specific setting or a situation.
(09:06):
Six work friendsself-explanatory.
Seven lifelong friends All yourhomies back home that you
probably grew up with and you'restill in contact with and they
don't want to meet none of yournew friends because they know
your new friends are trash, orlet my friend say it.
And then eight life stagefriends who you connect with
(09:26):
over similar life stages.
Then there's the toxic types,the one-sided friends you know
that one person who does all theinitiating, the planning, the
supporting, the tending to thefriendship, while the other just
sits back and takes.
Two the ambivalent friendsPeople don't quite come through
the way they say they will.
Three codependent friends Ifeel like this is a major one in
(09:50):
Hollywood because of theloneliness factor when friends
become overly reliant on eachother for their sense of
self-worth.
Four toxic friends those whosepresent behavior and friendship
negatively affect you and yourwell-being.
And five fake friends Someonewho calls themselves your friend
but doesn't actually behavelike a friend toward you.
(10:12):
You know, I want to add to thetoxic friend and what that looks
like to me.
It's those people who pop offdue to their dysregulated or
undisciplined emotions.
And then there's the regardlessof whether they know someone,
people who talk bad abouteverybody.
They see those who aredisrespectful, mean, rude or
(10:32):
liars.
I maintain firm boundaries withthese types.
I've been in LA a very long time18 years is a long time and so
I'm a member of many creativecircles and communities.
So I know a lot of people inHollywood, like a lot Like,
probably, and I think, prettymuch anybody who lives in
Hollywood.
If you're a part of all thesedifferent circles and
(10:52):
communities, you know a lot ofpeople.
So I definitely had to learn tocategorize and compartmentalize
everyone that I'd meet, andI'll admit I'm not easy to
befriend.
As one of my homeboys back inNew York said damn Tawana, like
you really hold your cards closeto your chest, like why are you
so guarded?
I'm like a cat.
I feel your energy across theroom and I'm deciding if I'm
(11:15):
going to walk right past you orif I'm going to rub my body on
your leg.
And I'm mostly going to keepwalking past people Because
folks be crazy.
I often get invited for coffeeor cocktails and I'll oblige,
depending on who the person is,because I do enjoy getting to
know people.
But when it comes to meals, Imuch prefer to have meals with
(11:37):
my situational, my group or mylow dose friends or my best
friend.
But anyone I meet with that Ifeel energy deficient after
spending time with becausethey're probably energy vampires
or complainers or rude ornarcissistic or only ever talk
about work or the industry.
Then I will see less of themand sometimes not at all.
(12:00):
It took a long time tounderstand that I had to
recognize my tolerance levelsand identify people, the people
whose company I genuinely enjoyand didn't mind spending time
with, because when I first gotto LA I would just meet up or
hang out with anyone who askedme, because that was the culture
here.
That still is the culture here,and many creators are lonely.
(12:22):
I experienced loneliness atfirst Living in Hollywood, away
from family and long termfriends caused me to seek
companionship with folks whoweren't grounded or even happy
with themselves.
It's heavy, oh my gosh.
Ok, I'm going to share thisstory as ambiguously as I can.
So about eight years ago I raninto a guy I knew who had been
(12:43):
trying to date me since I movedto LA.
I was single, he was single,and I said, ah, why not?
I'm not doing anything, whichis a terrible reason to start
dating anyone.
So he came to my house one day.
We were kissing and suddenly Ifelt nothing for him, like no
passion, just cold, like nothing, no heat, no fire, just done.
(13:03):
And I literally stopped him andsaid you know what?
My head isn't in the game.
I don't think we should blurthe lines, because you know he
was a cool dude, but I justdidn't think that this was look,
I wasn't into it.
And he respected my wishes.
About a month later he called meout of the blue to chat and he
revealed that when he saw melast that kiss, that night of
(13:26):
that kiss, he was coming out ofa destructive relationship, he
shared the deplorable details ofhis last girlfriend and that he
was so happy to see me becausehe needed love.
Oh my god, I was so disgustedand I said so you were trying to
date me.
After that I explained to himthat he was irresponsibly
(13:49):
attempting to bring his unhealedheartbreak into my peaceful
life and he didn't understandwhat I was saying.
Thank goodness for emotionalenergy transference, because I
unknowingly picked up onsomething and I lost interest
and he still didn't get what Iwas saying.
I just left it at that.
But it was the first time Irealized people will really try
(14:10):
to ruin your life to save theirown.
There's no way he would havebeen a good match for me.
I have that Instagram video inmy head saying it is poor
spiritual hygiene to giveeveryone access to you Took me
damn near 40 years to learn that.
I want to go back for a momentto my previous episode, number
132, where I discussed thesignificance of discerning
(14:33):
community building overnetworking.
Toward the end of that episode,I briefly touched on the
insincere and one-sidedindividuals who tried to network
up for selfish reasons.
After I posted that episodeactually a couple of days, which
always happens to me I'm like,ah, I should have talked about
that.
I missed an opportunity todiscuss social climbers, so I'm
(14:55):
going to do it here because theyare especially prevalent in
Hollywood and it's a constantpractice for me to recognize
them and disallow them to be inmy cipher.
The Cambridge Dictionary definessocial climbing as an act of
trying to improve socialstanding by befriending those of
higher class, often achievedthrough strategic connections
(15:18):
and relationships.
Now it's easy for me to think,oh, a higher social class
pertains to affluent individualsor celebrities who have higher
levels of disposable income,power, control and thus I can
remove myself from thinking Ihave something a social climber
wants.
No, I really can't.
In Hollywood, having a highersocial status often means more
(15:40):
access to entertainment and workopportunities and people.
For actors it can mean you havean agent that somebody wants to
be signed with, or you have agood relationship with a
particular casting director theywant to audition for, or you're
always invited to popularevents where you can bring a
plus one, or you're part of anin-crowd.
(16:00):
Maybe you're the strongestactor at your drama studio and
this person wants to learn howyou do it, or simply say that's
my friend.
So I have to say, tawana, youcan't be too friendly, because
social climbers exist and it'snot just for rich people.
My curiosity had me research tosee if there's any behavioral
(16:23):
disorders linked to socialclimbing, and I found that the
mental pathology that causespeople to be social climbers can
be individuals with differentunderlying mental health or
personality issues, likenarcissistic personality
disorder, histrionic personalitydisorder, avoidant personality
disorder, antisocial personalitydisorder, generalized anxiety
(16:48):
or social anxiety disorder.
But the source that I foundwasn't a credible authority on
mental health connections andsince I'm not a licensed
psychologist for thisconversation, I'll use the last
one I found, which claimedsocial climbing can be a natural
human behavior, often driven bysocietal pressures, cultural
(17:09):
norms or personal goals, andthis is probably why social
climbing is so prevalent inHollywood Natural behavior
driven by societal pressures,cultural norms or personal goals
, all of which are significantdrivers.
Creatives in Hollywoodexperience, and not just in
Hollywood.
Social climbing happens in anyhighly competitive occupation,
(17:32):
in any metropolitan city or assimple as high school, because
life is high school, perpetuatedright.
I joked earlier about being acat and protecting myself, but
seriously, I'm guarded because Istruggle to keep my heart open
when meeting new people, I thinkprimarily because I was raised
in New York City and it'sdangerous to be too trusting.
(17:54):
Now that I'm in Hollywood withthese malleable ideas around
friendship, I discovered thatsome people I've let into my
cipher were dishonest anduntrustworthy, some of them
schemers or predators, and so Iremain guarded and cautious
because I don't want to be hurtor betrayed again and at the
(18:15):
same time, I don't want to livewith a closed heart.
I want to remain open, I wantto connect authentically with
people, but I'm clear that manyof the people I meet in
Hollywood are not looking forauthentic connections or, when
they are, their fear ofaccomplishing their goal causes
them to deviate fromauthenticity.
(18:36):
Lately, I've been pondering howto balance being cautious and
available while maintaining ahealthy mind, spirit and
boundaries.
It boils down to characteranalysis.
I work to understand people thesame way I try to understand a
character I play.
I observe them, the things theysay, their integrity towards
(18:58):
themselves and others.
What is their backstory?
If I'm privy to any of theirbackstory, what causes them to
act the way they do, questioningwhy is there a deviation from
what they may be presenting tome, versus what they say, and
have to be mindful not to ignorethe signs of odd or
(19:19):
disingenuous behaviors.
Also, I have to look at myselfand study where I'm being
dishonest.
Maybe I'm the cause of someoneelse's distrust because I'm so
guarded.
But all of this is exhausting totry to justify and to manage,
and so sometimes I just have torelease it all and say you know
(19:40):
what, god, I can't control theoutcome of this relationship.
You know us, you know ourhearts, so I'm just going to
surrender and dive in,especially with those people who
exhibit characteristics I adore.
However, when the person isextraordinarily toxic or I
witness a harsh aberration intheir behavior, then I have to
(20:03):
say how long am I willing totolerate them?
Because toleration is not good.
Right, it's a derogatory way ofbeing and I don't want to
tolerate someone.
I really want to enjoy being insomeone's company.
All of these questions allow meto measure whether certain
friendships in Hollywood orelsewhere are worth my time,
energy or commitment.
(20:25):
And while this may sound like Ihave Hollywood friendships all
figured out, I don't.
I'm still working on being abetter human.
When I get triggered or someonehurts my feelings or I feel
violated or exploited, mychildhood wounds of abandonment
caused me to throw the wholefriendship, no matter how
lengthy, into a fieryincinerator, never to be seen
(20:47):
again.
Let those ashes flow into theair like bannos in Marvel's
endgame If I miss them over time.
A reconciliation may be needed.
But if I'm glad they're gone, Iam relieved, and then I look at
the lessons that I learned inthat, the good and the bad, and
I thank them, not personally, Iactually thank them in my head.
(21:08):
I thank them for the experience.
I just wished that I couldrecognize a clout chasing social
climber at Tello, but that'snot possible.
Is it Because we don't alwayssee snakes in the grass, spiders
under our beds or the trueidentity of masqueraders and
Hollywood is full ofmasqueraders In some form or
(21:29):
fashion.
We're all trying to besomething.
We're not.
We all wear masks to hide ourhurts, our wounds, our ugly
sides, our crooked teeth.
Some of us even change ournames.
A social climber is doing whatthey think they need to do, and
I don't even think it's personal.
I think it's simply the orderof operations, their order of
(21:51):
operations, and I try not toresent folks, but it all depends
on the offense.
But, like Nina Simone saying, Ihold no grudge but never once
forget.
So the best thing that I knowto do is to always put myself
first, which is hard.
I'm getting better at it, butit's hard because I was raised
(22:13):
to take care of others, to makesure others are good, and now
I'm no longer willing to beaccommodating the same way that
I had been all of my life.
So I'll return back to thequestion, the original question
Am I willing to find a new bestfriend?
I don't, I'm not.
(22:35):
I'm not going to declare, likeJennifer Lewis did on the
Breakfast Club no new friends.
I'm not going to go that farbecause I don't know what the
trajectory of my life holds andI don't want to be in a position
where I'm holding myself backfrom something that a
relationship that could actuallybe really wonderful, like with
Estie.
I didn't know I was going tocome here to meet her, so I'm
(22:58):
not closed off by it or to it, Ijust don't know what it looks
like.
But right here, right now, mybest friends are my homegirls
back home, estie, my bae and allof the rest of the friends and
the people that I know.
All fall into different types offriendships.
And before I close out, whathave Hollywood friendships been
(23:22):
like for you?
Do you also question who shouldor shouldn't be your friend?
If what the Hollywood Reporterstates is true about friendship
being malleable and undefinablein Hollywood, we have to
approach each new encounter withpeople differently If you at
(23:42):
the top said that you had notexperienced the toxic friendship
in Hollywood.
I'm going to implore that youlook just a little bit deeper at
the people around you.
Are there any individuals whotake jabs at your expense and
then say, girl, I was justplaying, or man, I was just
playing, you can't take a joke,I can't.
That's gaslighting.
Don't joke at my expense.
(24:03):
Also, watch those who enjoyyour company and private,
wanting to be all up in your mix, but they never invite you out
to their functions.
And then those who areconstantly competing against you
, who continually one up youlike oh yeah, I already know
about that.
Oh yeah, I did that already.
Oh, you're just learning aboutthat.
Oh, I know that person too.
(24:23):
Pay attention when your realfriends point out things about
the toxic friend, especially ifyou ignore the signs and say, oh
, that's just Mary, oh, that'sjust Paul, that's just the way
they are.
No, those people are toxic andone day their toxicity will turn
on you because, like my mothersaid, not everybody's your
(24:45):
friend, honey.
Okay, enough about that,because there are some wonderful
friendships and let's, let'scelebrate those friendships that
we do truly cherish, thoseequitable friendships who are
our confidants, who help us tothrive, who we help to thrive,
who, when you're in theircompany, you feel energized.
(25:06):
Let's celebrate that Cheers tofriendship, whether it's in
Hollywood or London or Chicago.
Around the world.
Friendships are hard and I don'tthink it's just Hollywood where
the definition changes.
I think age changes, I thinklifestyle changes and it's also
not easy to unfriend someone,especially when you care about
(25:28):
them.
But we do the best we can and Iguess the old adage goes make
sure your side of the street isclean and the rest will follow.
Thank you for listening.
You know this is just somethingthat's been coming up in
conversations with a lot of mypeers lately and a lot of my
Hollywood friends.
And you know we, a lot of us,are restructuring.
(25:50):
I feel like there might be areckoning happening cosmically
around relationships, especiallywhen it comes to friends, and
it's okay.
It's okay.
Nobody really tells us thatfriendships end and we don't
have to feel guilty about it.
So I hope that you're having awonderful friendship.
I hope that you have awonderful roommate situation.
(26:12):
I just overall hope that youare thriving in life and that
you have someone to share thehappiness with.
If you enjoy this episode andyou'd like to support acting
lessons learned.
Why don't you share thisepisode with a friend or another
episode that you liked?
You can also leave a rating offive stars or kind review.
If you'd like to buy me acoffee, the link is in the bio,
(26:34):
along with the links for the 13types of friendships, as well as
the Hollywood Reporter article.
Let's join together and putourselves first, especially
those of us who have been taughtto put others first.
No more.
The time has come for us to befirst.
Be well, I'll see you back herein two weeks.
Bye.
Welcome back to Acting Lessons Learned.
I'm Tiwana Floyd and I sharethe lessons I've learned and
still learning as a workingactor in Hollywood, and I hope
my stories help you to prosperon your actor journey.
This is Episode 133.
Let's discuss HollywoodFriendships.
Cue the dramatic music Dun dundun.
(00:23):
If you're an artist residing inHollywood, you've likely
experienced at least one orthree toxic friendships that
eventually went bad.
And if you're like no, tawanna,I haven't had any bad
friendships in Hollywood, I'llgive you BoomBastic side-eye
asking if not a toxic friendship, how about a horrible roommate
(00:44):
situation?
And if you still say never hada toxic friendship or a crazy
roommate in Hollywood, tawanna,you are an anomaly and I hope
you never have to deal witheither of those situations.
What prompted me to write aboutthis topic is Estie, who I call
my bestie, my longest andgreatest friend in LA for 16
(01:06):
years, just moved to Oregon lastweek and I'm sad we have so
much in common.
She was my food snob companion,my short-stayed travel buddy,
my red and rosé wine aficionado.
We both love pretty things,deeply discounted fashion and
posh experiences.
(01:27):
Her frat boy comedy was aperfect pairing for my dark
sense of humor Y'all.
She even plucked my chin hairsthat would grow during my drive
from LA to Orange County tovisit her.
Now that's a friend.
Estie is the most generousperson I've ever met, yet she's
fiercely protective of herboundaries and loved ones.
She's a Leo son.
(01:48):
I'm a Leo rising.
I adore her and I value that.
She's not an actor or an artist.
Estie is everyday people and wehave everyday people
conversations, unless she'strying to catch me up on the
latest scandal of her favoritereality shows, which, oddly, she
and my mother have in common.
Estie has been my lovelyrespite for authentic fellowship
(02:12):
and the best thing about her isI always feel safe in her
company.
She is my confidant.
She has never tried to beanybody else and has never tried
to work an angle.
We can just be in each other'scompany with no pretense and no
mask, through tears, overstuffedbellies, tipsy stumbles,
heartbreak and finding the lovesof our life.
(02:34):
Her relocation has left me in amelancholy mood, but I know
this move will be the best thingfor her future, so my happiness
for the next phase of her lifesupersedes my melancholy Quite.
Frankly, I don't know how longI'll remain in SoCal.
(02:55):
Estie planned this move aboutsix months ago, but the grief
only settled in as we got closerto the date and it's been a lot
to handle, you know.
Sometimes it's like am I sad?
Why am I sad?
Oh, your friend just left.
That's why you're sad, girl.
It's okay.
It's okay to sit in thesefeelings.
(03:16):
I've had surprise tears creep upon me at varying moments and we
cried together, me and Estie,as I told her what her
friendship has meant to me.
During our favorite pastime,splitting a rib by steak,
truffle fries and a wedged saladat Morton's, using gift cards
from Costco because we love adiscount.
I am incredibly grateful forour time together.
(03:40):
I mean, what are the odds thata black girl from the Bronx and
a Korean girl from Marylandwould move across the country
and meet on a job in OrangeCounty to become close friends?
We most definitely won thefriend lottery.
They say friendships are areason, a season and a lifetime,
but I know our friendshipwasn't a season.
(04:00):
We'll still go on our girls'trips and I'll visit her in
Oregon because it's not that faraway and she'll come here as
well.
But the reality if I'm keepingit at 100, is long-distance
friendships change, so we'll seewhat it looks like.
Thankfully, I still have my EastCoast homies here in LA,
crystal and Anthony.
(04:21):
All three of us are Gemini, sowe stay productive and it's
seldom that our schedules align.
Crystal is in her mom's onlygroup between age, college
preparatory life and, aunt, thatdude is the wind.
He's not in the wind, he is thewind.
So I ask myself, do I want tostart cultivating a new serious
(04:43):
friendship all over again?
I don't know.
I'm like dating that's justhard.
And if I start thinking aboutall the past failed Hollywood
acquaintances, ships and the tworoommate situations I endured,
I'm like yeah, nah, I'm callingno whammy because I'm no longer
willing to press my luck onfinding my new best friend, and
(05:05):
the non-toxic people I've met inLA have already been
categorized into varying degreesof friendship.
Estee is irreplaceable.
She has been the constantcomfort in my LA experience.
Now, those toxic relationshipsthat I won't talk about left me
questioning how in the hell didI prematurely give these folks
(05:26):
the title of friend when theyhadn't even earned it and
probably never would have?
But when you're a transplant,especially in a metropolitan
city, you're looking for peopleto connect with to.
Like Andre 3000 says, I needsomebody to smooth that thing
out a little bit, and I do havea few friends for that.
You know the term friendship.
(05:47):
It's used so loosely in LosAngeles and it kind of makes me
cringe every time I hear or sayit.
There's someone who said Ithink it's Kevin E West.
If Kevin, if you're listening,be like yeah, that was me girl.
I think it was him that saidlisten, stop calling everyone
your friend.
If you stay in LA long enough,you'll find out you have fewer
(06:07):
friends than you think.
And I'm paraphrasing and evenmade a comparison to LA
friendships, to a revolving doorwhere people come and go in and
out of our lives, and I caneven hear my mother is all too
familiar voice saying that girlis not your friend, tawanna, you
better watch yourself with her.
Wait, let me back up a bitbecause let me rephrase that
last, that last portion it's notLA that makes people phony,
(06:32):
it's Hollywood, the 30 mile zone, aka TMZ.
It's no secret that Hollywoodhas a systemic problem that
often brings out the worst inpeople.
Hollywood is the phony with itssmoke and mirrors, botox,
facelifts, non-aging celebrities, people afraid to say what's
truly on their mind for fear oflosing opportunities.
(06:53):
Hollywood is the culprit.
In 2019, the Hollywood reporterreleased an article titled why
Nobody in Hollywood has Friends.
And it commented, and I quoteFriend in Hollywood is a
malleable term, one that has itsown definition, not to be found
in a dictionary.
(07:13):
In Hollywood, it's toofrequently the core of a
maelstrom that pits oneindividual against another.
The history of Hollywood isfull of faux and fractured
friendships, end quote.
And then it offered an exampleof a very public Hollywood
BFFude between Michael Ovitz,co-founder of CAA, and Michael
(07:35):
Eisner, former chair of Disney.
Wow, hollywood is full of fauxand fractured friendships.
That statement should be in theunofficial Welcome to Hollywood
handbook for everyone movinghere, and I say unofficial
because the official one won'ttell you the truth.
I feel like knowing this wouldhave helped us move a little
(07:57):
differently, right, like thepeople who moved here, like, if
you knew that you can like,really just like, suss people
out a little bit more.
I did a Google search onfriendship classifications,
wondering is there a list of thetypes of friendships?
And there was.
I found an article onmindbodygreencom titled 13 types
of friends you'll have in yourlife, from best to toxic,
(08:21):
written by contributing sex andrelationships editor, kelly
Gonzalez.
There's a link to the articlein my description if you'd like
to read it.
But Kelly segmented the 13types into two groups eight good
types and five toxic types.
The good types the best friendyou know you're right to die.
Reliable and trustworthy, likemy ST.
Two social friend you know thatfun person for the events and
(08:44):
the social settings.
Three the low dose friends.
We like them but only in lowdoses because they're a lot and
not always in a bad way.
Four group friends you mostlyonly hang out with them in a
group.
Five situational friends weconnect meaningfully in a
specific setting or a situation.
(09:06):
Six work friendsself-explanatory.
Seven lifelong friends All yourhomies back home that you
probably grew up with and you'restill in contact with and they
don't want to meet none of yournew friends because they know
your new friends are trash, orlet my friend say it.
And then eight life stagefriends who you connect with
(09:26):
over similar life stages.
Then there's the toxic types,the one-sided friends you know
that one person who does all theinitiating, the planning, the
supporting, the tending to thefriendship, while the other just
sits back and takes.
Two the ambivalent friendsPeople don't quite come through
the way they say they will.
Three codependent friends Ifeel like this is a major one in
(09:50):
Hollywood because of theloneliness factor when friends
become overly reliant on eachother for their sense of
self-worth.
Four toxic friends those whosepresent behavior and friendship
negatively affect you and yourwell-being.
And five fake friends Someonewho calls themselves your friend
but doesn't actually behavelike a friend toward you.
(10:12):
You know, I want to add to thetoxic friend and what that looks
like to me.
It's those people who pop offdue to their dysregulated or
undisciplined emotions.
And then there's the regardlessof whether they know someone,
people who talk bad abouteverybody.
They see those who aredisrespectful, mean, rude or
(10:32):
liars.
I maintain firm boundaries withthese types.
I've been in LA a very long time18 years is a long time and so
I'm a member of many creativecircles and communities.
So I know a lot of people inHollywood, like a lot Like,
probably, and I think, prettymuch anybody who lives in
Hollywood.
If you're a part of all thesedifferent circles and
(10:52):
communities, you know a lot ofpeople.
So I definitely had to learn tocategorize and compartmentalize
everyone that I'd meet, andI'll admit I'm not easy to
befriend.
As one of my homeboys back inNew York said damn Tawana, like
you really hold your cards closeto your chest, like why are you
so guarded?
I'm like a cat.
I feel your energy across theroom and I'm deciding if I'm
(11:15):
going to walk right past you orif I'm going to rub my body on
your leg.
And I'm mostly going to keepwalking past people Because
folks be crazy.
I often get invited for coffeeor cocktails and I'll oblige,
depending on who the person is,because I do enjoy getting to
know people.
But when it comes to meals, Imuch prefer to have meals with
(11:37):
my situational, my group or mylow dose friends or my best
friend.
But anyone I meet with that Ifeel energy deficient after
spending time with becausethey're probably energy vampires
or complainers or rude ornarcissistic or only ever talk
about work or the industry.
Then I will see less of themand sometimes not at all.
(12:00):
It took a long time tounderstand that I had to
recognize my tolerance levelsand identify people, the people
whose company I genuinely enjoyand didn't mind spending time
with, because when I first gotto LA I would just meet up or
hang out with anyone who askedme, because that was the culture
here.
That still is the culture here,and many creators are lonely.
(12:22):
I experienced loneliness atfirst Living in Hollywood, away
from family and long termfriends caused me to seek
companionship with folks whoweren't grounded or even happy
with themselves.
It's heavy, oh my gosh.
Ok, I'm going to share thisstory as ambiguously as I can.
So about eight years ago I raninto a guy I knew who had been
(12:43):
trying to date me since I movedto LA.
I was single, he was single,and I said, ah, why not?
I'm not doing anything, whichis a terrible reason to start
dating anyone.
So he came to my house one day.
We were kissing and suddenly Ifelt nothing for him, like no
passion, just cold, like nothing, no heat, no fire, just done.
(13:03):
And I literally stopped him andsaid you know what?
My head isn't in the game.
I don't think we should blurthe lines, because you know he
was a cool dude, but I justdidn't think that this was look,
I wasn't into it.
And he respected my wishes.
About a month later he called meout of the blue to chat and he
revealed that when he saw melast that kiss, that night of
(13:26):
that kiss, he was coming out ofa destructive relationship, he
shared the deplorable details ofhis last girlfriend and that he
was so happy to see me becausehe needed love.
Oh my god, I was so disgustedand I said so you were trying to
date me.
After that I explained to himthat he was irresponsibly
(13:49):
attempting to bring his unhealedheartbreak into my peaceful
life and he didn't understandwhat I was saying.
Thank goodness for emotionalenergy transference, because I
unknowingly picked up onsomething and I lost interest
and he still didn't get what Iwas saying.
I just left it at that.
But it was the first time Irealized people will really try
(14:10):
to ruin your life to save theirown.
There's no way he would havebeen a good match for me.
I have that Instagram video inmy head saying it is poor
spiritual hygiene to giveeveryone access to you Took me
damn near 40 years to learn that.
I want to go back for a momentto my previous episode, number
132, where I discussed thesignificance of discerning
(14:33):
community building overnetworking.
Toward the end of that episode,I briefly touched on the
insincere and one-sidedindividuals who tried to network
up for selfish reasons.
After I posted that episodeactually a couple of days, which
always happens to me I'm like,ah, I should have talked about
that.
I missed an opportunity todiscuss social climbers, so I'm
(14:55):
going to do it here because theyare especially prevalent in
Hollywood and it's a constantpractice for me to recognize
them and disallow them to be inmy cipher.
The Cambridge Dictionary definessocial climbing as an act of
trying to improve socialstanding by befriending those of
higher class, often achievedthrough strategic connections
(15:18):
and relationships.
Now it's easy for me to think,oh, a higher social class
pertains to affluent individualsor celebrities who have higher
levels of disposable income,power, control and thus I can
remove myself from thinking Ihave something a social climber
wants.
No, I really can't.
In Hollywood, having a highersocial status often means more
(15:40):
access to entertainment and workopportunities and people.
For actors it can mean you havean agent that somebody wants to
be signed with, or you have agood relationship with a
particular casting director theywant to audition for, or you're
always invited to popularevents where you can bring a
plus one, or you're part of anin-crowd.
(16:00):
Maybe you're the strongestactor at your drama studio and
this person wants to learn howyou do it, or simply say that's
my friend.
So I have to say, tawana, youcan't be too friendly, because
social climbers exist and it'snot just for rich people.
My curiosity had me research tosee if there's any behavioral
(16:23):
disorders linked to socialclimbing, and I found that the
mental pathology that causespeople to be social climbers can
be individuals with differentunderlying mental health or
personality issues, likenarcissistic personality
disorder, histrionic personalitydisorder, avoidant personality
disorder, antisocial personalitydisorder, generalized anxiety
(16:48):
or social anxiety disorder.
But the source that I foundwasn't a credible authority on
mental health connections andsince I'm not a licensed
psychologist for thisconversation, I'll use the last
one I found, which claimedsocial climbing can be a natural
human behavior, often driven bysocietal pressures, cultural
(17:09):
norms or personal goals, andthis is probably why social
climbing is so prevalent inHollywood Natural behavior
driven by societal pressures,cultural norms or personal goals
, all of which are significantdrivers.
Creatives in Hollywoodexperience, and not just in
Hollywood.
Social climbing happens in anyhighly competitive occupation,
(17:32):
in any metropolitan city or assimple as high school, because
life is high school, perpetuatedright.
I joked earlier about being acat and protecting myself, but
seriously, I'm guarded because Istruggle to keep my heart open
when meeting new people, I thinkprimarily because I was raised
in New York City and it'sdangerous to be too trusting.
(17:54):
Now that I'm in Hollywood withthese malleable ideas around
friendship, I discovered thatsome people I've let into my
cipher were dishonest anduntrustworthy, some of them
schemers or predators, and so Iremain guarded and cautious
because I don't want to be hurtor betrayed again and at the
(18:15):
same time, I don't want to livewith a closed heart.
I want to remain open, I wantto connect authentically with
people, but I'm clear that manyof the people I meet in
Hollywood are not looking forauthentic connections or, when
they are, their fear ofaccomplishing their goal causes
them to deviate fromauthenticity.
(18:36):
Lately, I've been pondering howto balance being cautious and
available while maintaining ahealthy mind, spirit and
boundaries.
It boils down to characteranalysis.
I work to understand people thesame way I try to understand a
character I play.
I observe them, the things theysay, their integrity towards
(18:58):
themselves and others.
What is their backstory?
If I'm privy to any of theirbackstory, what causes them to
act the way they do, questioningwhy is there a deviation from
what they may be presenting tome, versus what they say, and
have to be mindful not to ignorethe signs of odd or
(19:19):
disingenuous behaviors.
Also, I have to look at myselfand study where I'm being
dishonest.
Maybe I'm the cause of someoneelse's distrust because I'm so
guarded.
But all of this is exhausting totry to justify and to manage,
and so sometimes I just have torelease it all and say you know
(19:40):
what, god, I can't control theoutcome of this relationship.
You know us, you know ourhearts, so I'm just going to
surrender and dive in,especially with those people who
exhibit characteristics I adore.
However, when the person isextraordinarily toxic or I
witness a harsh aberration intheir behavior, then I have to
(20:03):
say how long am I willing totolerate them?
Because toleration is not good.
Right, it's a derogatory way ofbeing and I don't want to
tolerate someone.
I really want to enjoy being insomeone's company.
All of these questions allow meto measure whether certain
friendships in Hollywood orelsewhere are worth my time,
energy or commitment.
(20:25):
And while this may sound like Ihave Hollywood friendships all
figured out, I don't.
I'm still working on being abetter human.
When I get triggered or someonehurts my feelings or I feel
violated or exploited, mychildhood wounds of abandonment
caused me to throw the wholefriendship, no matter how
lengthy, into a fieryincinerator, never to be seen
(20:47):
again.
Let those ashes flow into theair like bannos in Marvel's
endgame If I miss them over time.
A reconciliation may be needed.
But if I'm glad they're gone, Iam relieved, and then I look at
the lessons that I learned inthat, the good and the bad, and
I thank them, not personally, Iactually thank them in my head.
(21:08):
I thank them for the experience.
I just wished that I couldrecognize a clout chasing social
climber at Tello, but that'snot possible.
Is it Because we don't alwayssee snakes in the grass, spiders
under our beds or the trueidentity of masqueraders and
Hollywood is full ofmasqueraders In some form or
(21:29):
fashion.
We're all trying to besomething.
We're not.
We all wear masks to hide ourhurts, our wounds, our ugly
sides, our crooked teeth.
Some of us even change ournames.
A social climber is doing whatthey think they need to do, and
I don't even think it's personal.
I think it's simply the orderof operations, their order of
(21:51):
operations, and I try not toresent folks, but it all depends
on the offense.
But, like Nina Simone saying, Ihold no grudge but never once
forget.
So the best thing that I knowto do is to always put myself
first, which is hard.
I'm getting better at it, butit's hard because I was raised
(22:13):
to take care of others, to makesure others are good, and now
I'm no longer willing to beaccommodating the same way that
I had been all of my life.
So I'll return back to thequestion, the original question
Am I willing to find a new bestfriend?
I don't, I'm not.
(22:35):
I'm not going to declare, likeJennifer Lewis did on the
Breakfast Club no new friends.
I'm not going to go that farbecause I don't know what the
trajectory of my life holds andI don't want to be in a position
where I'm holding myself backfrom something that a
relationship that could actuallybe really wonderful, like with
Estie.
I didn't know I was going tocome here to meet her, so I'm
(22:58):
not closed off by it or to it, Ijust don't know what it looks
like.
But right here, right now, mybest friends are my homegirls
back home, estie, my bae and allof the rest of the friends and
the people that I know.
All fall into different types offriendships.
And before I close out, whathave Hollywood friendships been
(23:22):
like for you?
Do you also question who shouldor shouldn't be your friend?
If what the Hollywood Reporterstates is true about friendship
being malleable and undefinablein Hollywood, we have to
approach each new encounter withpeople differently If you at
(23:42):
the top said that you had notexperienced the toxic friendship
in Hollywood.
I'm going to implore that youlook just a little bit deeper at
the people around you.
Are there any individuals whotake jabs at your expense and
then say, girl, I was justplaying, or man, I was just
playing, you can't take a joke,I can't.
That's gaslighting.
Don't joke at my expense.
(24:03):
Also, watch those who enjoyyour company and private,
wanting to be all up in your mix, but they never invite you out
to their functions.
And then those who areconstantly competing against you
, who continually one up youlike oh yeah, I already know
about that.
Oh yeah, I did that already.
Oh, you're just learning aboutthat.
Oh, I know that person too.
(24:23):
Pay attention when your realfriends point out things about
the toxic friend, especially ifyou ignore the signs and say, oh
, that's just Mary, oh, that'sjust Paul, that's just the way
they are.
No, those people are toxic andone day their toxicity will turn
on you because, like my mothersaid, not everybody's your
(24:45):
friend, honey.
Okay, enough about that,because there are some wonderful
friendships and let's, let'scelebrate those friendships that
we do truly cherish, thoseequitable friendships who are
our confidants, who help us tothrive, who we help to thrive,
who, when you're in theircompany, you feel energized.
(25:06):
Let's celebrate that Cheers tofriendship, whether it's in
Hollywood or London or Chicago.
Around the world.
Friendships are hard and I don'tthink it's just Hollywood where
the definition changes.
I think age changes, I thinklifestyle changes and it's also
not easy to unfriend someone,especially when you care about
(25:28):
them.
But we do the best we can and Iguess the old adage goes make
sure your side of the street isclean and the rest will follow.
Thank you for listening.
You know this is just somethingthat's been coming up in
conversations with a lot of mypeers lately and a lot of my
Hollywood friends.
And you know we, a lot of us,are restructuring.
(25:50):
I feel like there might be areckoning happening cosmically
around relationships, especiallywhen it comes to friends, and
it's okay.
It's okay.
Nobody really tells us thatfriendships end and we don't
have to feel guilty about it.
So I hope that you're having awonderful friendship.
I hope that you have awonderful roommate situation.
(26:12):
I just overall hope that youare thriving in life and that
you have someone to share thehappiness with.
If you enjoy this episode andyou'd like to support acting
lessons learned.
Why don't you share thisepisode with a friend or another
episode that you liked?
You can also leave a rating offive stars or kind review.
If you'd like to buy me acoffee, the link is in the bio,
(26:34):
along with the links for the 13types of friendships, as well as
the Hollywood Reporter article.
Let's join together and putourselves first, especially
those of us who have been taughtto put others first.
No more.
The time has come for us to befirst.
Be well, I'll see you back herein two weeks.
Bye.
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