February 25, 2025 • 40 mins
In this episode I interviewed Darla Ridilla, a self-love coach and narcissistic abuse survivor. Darla shares her journey of overcoming trauma and emphasizes the importance of resilience as a daily choice. Our conversation covers topics such as setting boundaries, recognizing toxic relationships, and practical steps for healing from emotional abuse. Darla provides valuable insights on how to rebuild self-worth, the role of support groups, and daily habits to foster resilience. She also discusses her work as a somatic trauma-informed coach and offers resources for those starting their healing journey. Listeners will learn about the misconception of narcissistic abuse and the importance of self-respect in personal growth.
What You’ll Learn:
- How to recognize warning signs in a relationship—like sudden over-the-top praise (“love-bombing”), constant criticism (“devaluing”), and being abruptly pushed away (“discarding”).
- Understand that getting better takes time and learn the key steps that show you’re moving forward.
- Ways to recover from tough times by seeing challenges as chances to grow.
- Why boundaries are important, how to start small, and what happens when people resist.
- Discover how your body holds on to emotions and learn simple ways to release built-up stress (somatics).
- Easy tips—like quiet reflection or choosing better content to watch—that help you heal each day.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
For me, the definition of that is basically no matter how many times I get knocked down, I get back up.
(00:05):
And resilience is a daily choice.
It's not a destination.
It's a journey for sure.
Our body often will tell us if you feel something's off, it probably is.
He seems perfect on paper, but something's off.
Something's really off.
Go with it.
Killing from trauma is a journey and it's not a destination.
(00:27):
But as far as boundaries are concerned, I was afraid to set them because I didn't want to scare them away or upset them or be perceived as being bad or too much because I was told that my whole life.
But what happens is when you start to set boundaries, you are actually telling yourself that you have value.
Boundaries are really about self-respect.
(00:49):
Really decide what your needs and your standards are and say yes to those and no to anything that doesn't honor those.
You're tuned into the Active Action Podcast.
Step into a world of engaging conversations with leading experts where every episode is your chance to learn, grow, and stay inspired.
(01:11):
Whether you're here to discover fresh insights or simply be entertained, we've got you covered.
Visit Active Action Podcast to explore all episodes.
Hello.
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode of Active Action Podcast.
I'm with your Dr. Nazeeb back again.
And today we have a very wonderful guest with us.
(01:35):
But before that, I wanted to take this time to acknowledge my dear listeners to keep sticking with our podcast and also to keep supporting us.
I really appreciate all our audience and also for your very valuable feedback.
We try to honor those feedback and provide you with content that you love and inspire you to stay active and take action like always.
(02:00):
So without further ado, let us begin today's episode and I'll introduce my guest just in a second.
Hello.
Good evening, Dayla.
How are you doing?
Good evening, Dr. Nazeeb.
I'm doing well.
Today we have with us Darla Radilla.
So Darla is an author, speaker, and also, if we might say a residence expert, Darla, would you like to introduce yourself to our audience?
(02:30):
Yeah, sure.
My name is Darla Radilla and I am a self-love coach.
And yes, I have lots to share today, but I'm a narcissistic abuse survivor.
And that really has changed my life for sure.
And resilience definitely is my superpower.
That's wonderful to know, Darla.
(02:52):
From my perspective, resilience is a very good character to have, but also it's very difficult to achieve.
And as people in life, we have to pass certain stage to become resilient to things.
And definitely this is not an easy thing to achieve.
Can you kindly let us know a bit about yourself?
(03:14):
Can you share a bit about your background and what actually led you to this work today?
So my background is I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home.
And when I didn't have good examples growing up of what a healthy relationship looked like, and as well as not having a healthy relationship with myself, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home.
(03:34):
And I grew up having a healthy relationship with myself because I was sent the message pretty much most of my childhood that I didn't matter.
I didn't have a voice.
And that really transferred into my adult relationships, romantic relationships.
Because I didn't have a good relationship with my father, I tried to fill that void with men in my life.
(03:57):
But not only did I have a tape in my head saying you're not worthy of love.
I also had a very dysfunctional comfort zone.
So we tend to do that a lot when we have something that feels familiar, it may not be good for us, but we tend to gravitate towards that.
I had no concept of what a narcissist was.
(04:19):
I had heard of the word, but I had this kind of vision in my head that they were very obvious.
I had no idea that the next year was going to be a whole other set of challenges.
Because if you're familiar with the terms, I was trauma bonded.
I know that these experiences are very difficult to face and no one actually feels those from outside.
(04:42):
You can only understand those yourself as you walk through the path and to cope up with the emotional bonding.
Because emotion is sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse, has many different forms.
And definitely very difficult to get over a relationship.
That actually teaches you as you go through the pain to understand the true meaning of resilience.
(05:05):
Can I ask you one question?
Because when we say resilience is a superpower, we know superpowers in literal meaning are things that are very hard to achieve.
But once you achieve that, you are unstoppable.
So can I ask you, how do you see resilience as a superpower?
How can you define it as a superpower?
Yeah, for me, the definition of that is basically no matter how many times I get knocked down, I get back up.
(05:29):
And resilience is a daily choice.
It's not a destination.
It's a journey for sure.
Just like healing is in any form.
It's interesting you said unstoppable.
I looked up at my vision boards right in front of me and that's my word for the year.
But resilience really is about that decision.
And I got knocked down hard just three months ago.
I went through a very painful breakup.
(05:51):
And it shifted me in a good way though.
But so for me, I've learned to adapt and say it's not happening to me.
It's happening for me.
And I have gotten knocked down many times and I will again.
I will.
(06:11):
So part of my new strategy with resilience that I use this time was I was grieving terribly over this relationship I lost.
So I allowed that.
I put a deadline on it and I said I had up until a certain date that I could feel any emotion no matter how strong or supposedly inappropriate it was.
(06:33):
Because I wanted to recognize that.
I wanted to honor that.
And then when January 1st rolled around, I said that I still I was thinking something today about how I miss something about the relationship.
But the intensity of it has to end.
I have to work on moving on.
So that's what resilience is.
Like, while I had no idea how to fix my life, which was in shambles, I just surrendered to my higher power.
(07:00):
And yeah, it's really about things are going to happen to us.
Death, loss, frustration.
We can't avoid those things.
It's just how we react to them.
And a lot of time I've heard that when this narcissistic abuse or behavior comes and I just want to address it right away.
(07:22):
Not it's completely relevant to a topic, but sometimes people say, oh, I do this because I love you.
I control you because I want to protect you.
But protection and love has different literal meanings and your action actually speaks for itself.
Narcissistic abuse is in no way controlling and loving or protecting a loved one.
(07:44):
So I think that is very important to understand.
Absolutely.
It's narcissistic people are actually usually highly intelligent and there are different levels.
There's a spectrum of them for sure.
Love can be support.
Love can be tough love.
I'm very direct in my relationships when a need of mine is not being met.
I use I statements now, but I am direct.
(08:07):
But I can't control that other person, nor should I.
Right.
Yeah, for sure.
So piggybacking on your experience, darling, I want to ask you there are many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with self-worth.
So how do you begin to rebuild your confidence after you go through something like that or after you have that experience?
(08:30):
Yeah, it's something I still struggle with to be really honest.
There'll always be some form of healing.
So to begin, I really think getting support is very important.
This is a difficult journey, to say the least.
And if you are able to find a friend that is willing to either understand, maybe there's someone who understands it because they've been through it.
(08:55):
If they don't, if they're willing to accept what you say as the truth, whether they believe it or understand it, that's valuable.
Find a support group.
That is a big thing.
Find, when I was in the support group two, three years ago, just being in the same space with someone who gets me, because even licensed mental health professionals, some of them don't understand.
(09:19):
And that's how I got into this in the first place.
And being with someone who understands you, understands the dynamics of it, and understands how hard it is to heal is powerful.
I would also say do research.
I went a little crazy, maybe a little overboard, but I started researching.
I read The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern, and she talked about what gaslighting is.
(09:43):
And it really sparked me.
What is going on here?
This woman just described my life in detail, and she doesn't even know me.
What is this?
But educate yourself.
And if you have to ask the question, is this person a narcissist?
They may be.
Being a jerk is not a narcissist.
So there's one hand, that term is overused, but I think also in the past, we were undereducated about it.
(10:09):
But yeah, it's support.
I think that's really your first step.
I completely agree with you, Darla, that it's very important to find the people that actually walk through the shoes that you walk through and felt how you felt.
And oftentimes I understand people might have difficulties to find support groups or find persons that actually went through the same hardship or the same process.
(10:37):
Do you have any suggestions how they can actually reach out to these people or find the support group?
I know one option is social media, but from your experience, can you share something about that?
Yeah, I did have problems finding it.
I couldn't find an in-person one.
So actually what I did is I went on meetup.com and started searching for virtual support groups.
(11:02):
And I found an amazing support group.
And I would say try different ones.
See which one resonates with you, because they're all different.
But that for me was my saving grace.
While I prefer in person, our world has changed and it's actually opened up.
And there are several on Meetup for sure.
Okay.
(11:23):
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing that.
As we are talking about the healing process and overcoming trauma, I want to ask you, what are some practical steps someone can take when they realize that they're in a toxic or abusive relationship?
There's a couple of things.
First of all, I would think really hard about how do I feel when I'm in this person's presence.
(11:48):
In my previous relationship, I used to base my investment in that relationship on how I felt about them, how in love with them I was, how much I love them.
But now what I do is I think, how do they make me feel?
Do I feel tense?
Do I feel anxious?
Do I feel something's wrong, but I'm not quite sure what that is, because that's a big one.
(12:11):
Often, and this went with me, my stomach turned.
Our body, I'm trained in somatics, which is our nervous system.
Our body often will tell us if you feel something's off, it probably is.
I would also, once again, if you're unsure, go to a support group and just bounce it off of them.
See what they say.
One thing I was going to say, you can go to a friend, but I will tell you often friends may not even know this person is toxic, because they are often very good at acting and they are different people outside of the home than they are inside.
(12:45):
But you may have a close friend that picks up on it.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Darla.
I wanted to just backtrack a bit on this question.
Can you let our listeners know what do you think are some of the signs that they are in a toxic or abusive relationship?
What are those red flags someone can look onto or think of when they are in a relationship that's not going well?
(13:09):
How can they recognize that it is toxic?
Yeah, there's several.
So the first thing is they often what they call love bomb.
That is when they just shower you with attention.
They, this is amazing.
And they usually fast track the relationship as well.
And then there's this very common cycle that happens.
So you have the love bomb and then they'll do what they call devalue.
(13:32):
That's where there's paying a little less attention to you.
Maybe they're making snide comments.
It shouldn't matter who I am inside.
But those are things, right?
And then the final phase of that cycle is discard.
So they may disappear for days or hours or months.
(13:53):
Or if you're living in a home there, they may be giving you the silent treatment.
Or in my case, the final discard was the divorce.
But what happens is with this cycle is it repeats over and over again and it gets faster.
And what happens is when I referred to the trauma bonding earlier,
some of these red flags that happen is they give you that a lot of attention in the beginning
(14:17):
and then they withdraw it.
You'll do anything to get the original version of them back.
Other red flags besides the fast tracking is if it's too good to be true, it probably is.
Also, it goes back to that body sensation.
If you feel a twinge, if you're a guy that says, he seems perfect on paper, but something's off.
(14:40):
Something's really off. Go with it.
Okay. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I feel I'm learning a lot from you.
Yeah, these are some of the exposures.
Unfortunately, I haven't been exposed to that much, but I know a lot of our listeners even
(15:01):
did reach out even asking, oh, Ismael, do you think our relationship is going good if this
happens or how do you think, how do you feel or how do you think that my relationship is
not going good and how I can improve that.
But oftentimes it's really important to identify the red flags or just to understand the signal
(15:23):
or where things going and if you are being abused or not.
So I think this would be very helpful for them to know.
I want to ask you about healing from trauma.
Healing from trauma is a journey and it's not a destination.
So what are some of the key milestones or breakthroughs you have experienced?
Yeah, it's been 11 years and it's been a journey and sometimes it's been very quick.
(15:47):
I'm in a major transformation right now and sometimes it hasn't.
And so it started with that day I left and then a year later when I did not take my life
that I started seeing a counselor for sure.
So that milestone was really big because she got me to understand that I was in an abusive
(16:08):
relationship.
It wasn't complete denial.
I thought she was nuts.
No, you don't know what you're talking about.
So it went from there to I was stopped.
So another milestone was I had already gone no contact and was holding that boundary tight.
But there was a part of me that didn't trust myself long term to still be able to do that
because I was still hurting pretty bad.
(16:30):
So I left the area not only for my mental safety but I did feel physically unsafe.
I'm moving back to Colorado.
I'm not going to Denver because I want to go to a different area.
So this is fast tracking.
I'm taking my power back 11 years later but in between.
So I have continued to be in and out of therapy or counseling through that time.
I'm actually seeing a coach right now.
(16:52):
I started seeing one a few weeks ago again.
And when I've been in and out of counseling, it's given me time for self-reflection.
One thing that really happened to me a year ago, year and a half ago, is I read a book
and realized I thought I loved myself.
(17:13):
You hear a lot about that self-love, the whole Pollyanna kind of thing.
And what I realized is that I didn't even know myself.
That was another major transformation.
So getting to know myself, then I can look at do I love myself, learning my value.
So that was a major thing that happened a year and a half ago.
(17:35):
And then over this past year, also dating differently, having boundaries.
That was another breakthrough.
Having boundaries, not just with others but right now, what I'm working on is boundaries
with myself.
But I hope that helps.
Does that answer your question?
It was a long answer.
No, no, that really helps.
But I recognize many people might think that how do you have a boundary with yourself?
(18:00):
But if you think about it, it is really important.
Even how you mentioned you got to know yourself, I don't think many people realize that even
if you ask someone randomly, do you actually know yourself?
And he or she can tell that, yeah, I like this, I like that, I like that.
Yeah, I like this, I like that.
I don't like this, I don't like that.
(18:21):
So these are my preferences.
But the thing is, what does knowing someone actually mean?
What does knowing your inner self, if you stand facing on a mirror, can you be really
honest with you?
I think that is what knowing oneself truly means.
But yeah, and also having set those boundaries and understanding what is right and wrong
(18:44):
for you and also to mention when you go through a very difficult journey from cutting away
from something, oftentimes you want to want to go back or just check in social media,
just to stalk and do that kind of thing.
But it's very difficult to even have spent some time in the very beginning just to get
(19:05):
away from that.
And I know time is a big healer and readily over and over with time, you get to cope up
with things and I also appreciate your thought on counselors.
They can definitely, a professional counselor can definitely play an important role in helping
you to overcome odds.
(19:26):
One thing I would recommend if someone does see a professional counselor is that this
has been my experience.
When they haven't been, when they don't have lived experience in trauma or narcissistic
abuse, sometimes they actually re-traumatize the patient without intending to, which is
what happened to me a year or two ago.
(19:47):
And it's just that they don't understand the dynamics of it.
It's not that they're necessarily a bad counselor.
I could not counsel someone with addiction or substance abuse.
I've never had substance abuse issues.
So I really don't understand it.
Can I ask you about what do you think some of the misconceptions are about narcissistic
(20:07):
abuse and healing from it?
Yeah, I think there is a stigma or a misconception that only women with low self-esteem are manipulated
by these men, but it's quite the opposite.
Narcissists actually target very strong, successful women.
And part of it is they have this sick delusion that they can actually, a vampire, suck your
(20:32):
good qualities into themselves.
That's one thing.
The other thing is that they enjoy breaking you down and controlling you.
It is their mission to tear you down because they hate themselves so much and think so
little of themselves.
In order for them to feel good about themselves, they have to make others feel bad around them.
(20:53):
And so that's a misconception.
There's misconceptions that narcissists are able to rehabilitate or go to therapy and
fix themselves.
I'm going to say no.
I don't believe that.
I think there are different levels.
Some of them that are lower are self-aware, but they actually, very young in childhood,
(21:16):
had a horrible, terrible wound.
Something bad happened to them.
And their prefrontal cortex is very weak.
And their prefrontal cortex was right here, which is accountability, empathy.
It didn't develop in their brain.
They are not hard-wired to be able to do that.
So that's one thing.
The other thing is that the healing process is very difficult.
(21:41):
When I referred to an addiction before, the way they break you down is very similar to
how cults break people down.
You will do unbelievable things that you would never do.
And so this is a lifetime thing.
I will always be healing.
I don't get to wave a magic wand and I'm done.
(22:03):
That's a big misconception.
Healing is messy.
And from your experience, I would ask you, you went through all the pain and trauma and
you took that to develop and build yourself.
And the self-confidence and the resilient nature you have now is a product that you
achieved many over times.
(22:25):
So can I just ask you, how can someone shift from feeling a victim to become empowered
in your life that you are right now?
Can you share that experience?
Yeah, it's actually available to everyone and they can do it.
I think the first step is really making the decision.
That day 11 years ago, I made the decision.
(22:48):
I don't know how to do this.
Hey, higher power, show me the way.
That's your first step on your shift.
And I would say, be willing to have setbacks, be willing to have it be really hard.
Being empowered and being resilient isn't doing it perfect.
(23:09):
It's also not ever having challenges.
So I say to be strong, you have to be weak.
So three months ago, I was a wreck.
I was beside myself, a wreck.
And that still is resilience because I didn't stay there.
(23:30):
But for someone to shift in the beginning, I'd say, be kind to yourself.
Start doing things for yourself.
You've probably neglected your own personal things, like things you enjoy,
whether that's gardening or going out to restaurants.
Start investing in yourself.
What's going to happen is when you start to value yourself and do the things you enjoy,
(23:52):
that will shift you too.
It's going to make it a little bit easier to set those boundaries and heal.
Yes.
Thank you so much for that advice.
And backtracking a bit, Tyler, when we spoke about boundaries,
it's very important to set boundaries, but people often have difficulties to understand
how to even do that.
(24:13):
So can I ask you, how has setting boundaries changed your life?
And what advice would you like to give others who are struggling with setting boundaries?
Yes.
So 20 years ago, I was codependent and setting a boundary.
Well, I've always been very outspoken.
I'm an East Coaster, so I'm not a fan of boundaries.
So I'm very outspoken.
(24:35):
But as far as boundaries are concerned, I was afraid to set them because I didn't want
to scare them away or upset them or be perceived as being bad or too much,
because I was told that my whole life.
But what happens is when you start to set boundaries,
you are actually telling yourself that you have value.
(24:57):
I would say it goes back to what we just talked about investing in yourself,
because when you start to invest in yourself, you are going to want to have boundaries with others.
And I would say, take it in baby steps again.
You don't have to go boundaries to try it with one person.
(25:21):
Okay, I'm going to start setting this boundary with this person.
And also be willing to say no, be willing to lose people in your life.
Right.
And just take it one step at a time.
Boundaries are really about self-respect.
(25:44):
Like in my relationships, I set boundaries because I have needs.
I think that's actually a really good point.
Really decide what your needs and your standards are and say yes to those and no to anything that doesn't honor those.
Do you feel, darling, when someone is setting their boundaries for their own well-being
(26:09):
and the partner or your close ones, can they take that as a negative approach that now you're descending?
Away from us or now you're descending away from me.
But oftentimes they perceive you differently, to be honest, negatively.
(26:33):
And that can actually demotivate the people who are trying to set that boundary.
So I think it's very important to mention data to set your own standards and to understand your need.
And according to that, even though the negativity might come,
resilience is also a part of facing that negativity.
I can almost guarantee it's going to happen.
(26:55):
Yeah, for sure.
I think it's important what's good for your own self.
Right.
So think about it this way.
They're used to seeing you in a certain way.
Right.
And when you no longer fit the pattern of what they're used to, that's very threatening to them.
Particularly if you're with someone who there you might get really lucky.
(27:18):
Yes, there may be resistance, but maybe you are with someone who's healthy.
A healthy person is going to say, okay, this makes me uncomfortable, but let's talk more about that.
Tell me more.
An unhealthy person is not only going to be uncomfortable with it, they're going to try to stop it.
So a really good example is I'm working with an intuitive coach.
And we were talking about how my mom always tried to keep me small as a child.
(27:40):
And part of it was I've always been this really big person, like big personality, I take up a lot of space.
And my mom didn't like that because she was a small minded person.
And if I'm big, if I'm changing, I'm shedding light on her dysfunction, on her things that she doesn't measure up to.
So that's going to happen in your relationships.
(28:00):
They don't want to change or they're not comfortable with it or they're caught off guard.
Maybe they're not your people.
It's not easier said than done. I get that.
It's tough. But as you grow, I have just outgrown almost every friend I have locally.
And I outgrew my best friend and had to break up with her two weeks ago.
(28:21):
That was really tough.
It's tough.
Yeah.
And she didn't even do anything.
But it was a boundary I had to set for myself because I've changed so much in this past three months that I no longer resonate with her.
And so that's going to happen in relationships too.
Maybe you start to change, but your partner sits there and they're digging in their heels.
(28:43):
If they don't come with you, you might have to say goodbye.
And that might be tough.
Speaking of that, coming back to resilience, what do you think, what are some of the daily habits or mindset shifts that can help cultivate resilience in someone?
Yeah.
A couple of things come to mind that I do every day.
(29:07):
Some people like to meditate. Some people don't. Some people doesn't work for them.
I would just say, even if it's five minutes, take some quiet time.
We are always in our phones and our computers watching TV, always busy.
But what I have found and in those quiet moments is where my biggest truths come to me.
So take five minutes and just sit, even if you just do nothing.
(29:28):
And that's hard for me because I'm always on the move.
The other thing is just be really mindful of what you are putting into your brain.
My personal practice is I have an audio book playing every time I'm in my car and it's a personal development book.
I listen to personal development podcasts every morning while I'm putting my makeup on.
It's just those simple things that are daily practices.
(29:51):
So I know you actually learned a lot from your past and you actually turned some very sorrow
moments into your strength and into the very confident woman you are today.
So I want to ask you about how has your past influenced you and your career today and mission to help others?
(30:13):
Yeah, it's totally fashioned it for sure.
So it's ironic that back in 2013, I'd actually started another business and I was based on the secret and manifestation.
And I was doing self-empowerment workshops, having no idea I was in an abusive relationship, giving away my power.
So it started then.
And last year, it reignited.
(30:37):
I was frustrated.
I was seeing a licensed therapist and she was victim blaming me and she was very abysmal.
She was blaming me and she was very abrasive and demanding.
That's when I started to look for the in-person support groups and so forth.
It started out with me having a free support group for a while.
I decided to actually offer the thing I was seeking.
(30:59):
Because I'll tell you, when I had my support group, I got a lot out of it myself because I'm still a survivor.
And so then it morphed into I decided to get a certification in February of last year.
And I'm just finishing this up.
I have one more little small thing and I have a master's equivalent.
And then it went from there that two months later, I had quit my job and had taken another one.
(31:24):
And three days in decided, no, this isn't the job for me.
And said, I'm never going back to work again.
For somebody else.
I work harder for myself than I do anybody.
But I decided this is my calling.
I have learned so much from my experiences.
And I feel like I have so much to offer because I understand it.
I understand narcissistic abuse.
I understand trauma.
(31:45):
I am every day going through my own healing journey.
And I wanted to help other women that are also through that.
That would be that's a very wonderful and inspiring aim.
And I really wish you a good luck with that.
I know you are a somatic trauma informed coach, but can I ask you what actually inspired you to become a somatic trauma informed coach?
(32:08):
And what does that work involve?
You can't really talk to the benefit of our audience so that if someone is interested, they can get in touch with you.
So, yeah.
So somatics is our nervous system and our body.
So when we have a traumatic event, our brain records the memory, but our body records the sensation.
(32:29):
And I always describe it as a needle in the record of telling my age right now.
The needle in the record gets stuck.
And in our bodies, if we don't sit with that discomfort or if we stuff that memory, it will actually drive our behaviors and decisions in the future.
So what I do with women is we're going to talk about a current event that they want to work through.
(32:52):
And we're going to talk about what current body sensation they have.
So, for example, often when we feel like we don't have a voice, our throat will feel really tight or tickle in the back.
And I'll be like, okay, great.
They didn't hear you when you tried to talk to your husband.
You had this tight throat.
When did you feel like that before?
(33:13):
Often it will go back to childhood.
So we're going to connect it to a previous experience.
And the beauty of the somatics is that I'm going to sit there with them and hold space with them.
This might get a little uncomfortable because now I'm asking them to think about something that was painful in the past.
And depending on that level, it might be really difficult.
(33:35):
Now, the other difference between this and regular therapy is we're not going to talk about your whole childhood and everything that ever happened to you.
We're just going to focus on one event that comes up in that session.
And so I'm either going to let that emotion bubble up and they can react to it any way they want.
Maybe they need to cry.
Maybe they need to yell.
Maybe they need to say whatever that is.
And then we're going to talk.
(33:57):
I'm going to ask questions because you have the answer right here in yourself.
You just don't know it.
I'm going to help guide you to that answer.
And we're going to talk about, OK, if you didn't feel like this, how do you want to feel?
How do you think you can move forward?
And so I helped them come to a solution and a plan to move through that painful experience.
And do you provide the support in person or online as well?
(34:21):
It's all online.
So I do all of them.
Yeah. Currently, I'm always changing what I'm doing.
It's so good.
Currently, I'm offering group workshops.
And I do have one-on-ones.
I do have a VIP day, which is a four-hour intensive session with me.
I used to do just like one-hour sessions.
(34:43):
But I'm finding that just one hour and then they never come back.
I don't think it's really good for them because they may have an aha moment,
but then life gets in the way and they probably, I would forget about, oh, I learned to do this.
OK. Thank you. Thank you for mentioning that.
So I think it would be a bit easier for our audience to understand the work that you do and get in touch with you.
(35:08):
Speaking of that, can I ask you where can my listeners actually connect with you and learn more about your work?
Yeah. Everything's on my website.
So it's highvaluewoman.info.
I actually have a podcast that I released weekly as well.
And I talk about trauma and narcissistic abuse.
And I've been focusing on relationships in particular in self-love right now.
(35:31):
I have a blog. I have free downloads.
Right now, I'm promoting a workshop that I'm doing, and that is about reclaiming your worth.
So if they want to check that out, I'm super excited.
That is a two-hour workshop.
And then you also get 30. You will get 30 minutes privately with me after the workshop to do a follow up.
So also, I wanted to ask you, do you have any resources, books or programs that you'd recommend for people starting their healing journey?
(35:58):
Yeah, absolutely. So that book I referred to earlier, The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern, highly recommend that book.
It was a game changer for me and an eye opener.
I'm training under Caroline Strassen personally for the certification that I'm working on.
I'm doing an additional one on narcissistic abuse as well.
She has a book out called How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse.
(36:22):
I would say anything Caroline does is gold.
She is also a survivor as well and is training. She trained me in somatics.
I took her course and I love her.
The other book that I would recommend is the one that really got me straight on how to know myself was called Single on Purpose by John Kim.
(36:44):
Whether you're single or not, it's really about just getting to know who you are so you can love that person.
Okay. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I also want to let the audience know is that audience, if you go to our activeaction.fm website, in the test, you'll find Dalerie De La.
You'll be able to find all her links in there.
(37:07):
So if you just want to see those to her or get in touch with her, so that information is available.
Also, feel free to send out an email if you want to reach out to Dalerie.
So if you send me an email, I'll definitely forward that to her.
Anything that suits you.
It's all having that right guidance.
It's all about having that right support.
(37:28):
So I it's really helpful to have someone to hold your hands along that way.
Thank you so much, Dalerie, for coming to the podcast and sharing your very words of wisdom.
I'm certain my audience is to back some learnings and understanding on what they have to do to set boundaries, what they have to do to become more resilient.
(37:52):
Why residence is really important in life and even how to walk through the very hard path to overcome fear and to overcome the emotional attachments, which are always necessary and how to learn to be more resilient.
I want to ask a very last question before we end.
I know you have a mission to help women.
(38:15):
So two questions.
So what's your next mission to empower survivors?
And second question is if you want to share a powerful message with our audience, especially our female audience, what would that be?
So my mission definitely is to help women to fall in love with themselves so they can find their dream partner.
(38:38):
But yeah, a powerful message for me.
Not only is it no matter how many times you fall, just get back up.
I would say the most powerful is be kind to yourself and be OK with setbacks.
Tomorrow you can always start over with day one.
For sure.
And I completely agree with you, Dalerie.
(39:00):
And as you mentioned, tomorrow can be day one.
If I connect with that with a very powerful message, one of my recent guests shared was show me yesterday.
You cannot show someone yesterday, right?
Definitely tomorrow can be a day one and it can be a new beginning.
I really appreciate your time, Dalerie.
(39:21):
Thank you again for joining today's podcast.
And I really appreciate the best of luck with all the work that you do.
Thanks for having me. I appreciate it as well.
Dear listeners, so you were listening to our wonderful guest, Dalerie DeLox.
And I hope you got some very powerful messages about resilience.
(39:42):
And also, if you have any questions or get in touch, just let me know.
I'll connect you with her.
And also, again, thank you so much for tuning in to this podcast.
Your support really means a lot to us.
Keep sharing the podcast and your feedback on your comment.
And your recommendation really means a lot to me.
(40:03):
And finally, if you find any value in what we share or the message we spread,
don't forget to drop a coin in our virtual tip jar.
I really appreciate all your support always.
That was it for today. And take care.
I'll meet you in another episode next week.
Up until then, take care, stay active, and take action.
For me, the definition of that is basically no matter how many times I get knocked down, I get back up.
(00:05):
And resilience is a daily choice.
It's not a destination.
It's a journey for sure.
Our body often will tell us if you feel something's off, it probably is.
He seems perfect on paper, but something's off.
Something's really off.
Go with it.
Killing from trauma is a journey and it's not a destination.
(00:27):
But as far as boundaries are concerned, I was afraid to set them because I didn't want to scare them away or upset them or be perceived as being bad or too much because I was told that my whole life.
But what happens is when you start to set boundaries, you are actually telling yourself that you have value.
Boundaries are really about self-respect.
(00:49):
Really decide what your needs and your standards are and say yes to those and no to anything that doesn't honor those.
You're tuned into the Active Action Podcast.
Step into a world of engaging conversations with leading experts where every episode is your chance to learn, grow, and stay inspired.
(01:11):
Whether you're here to discover fresh insights or simply be entertained, we've got you covered.
Visit Active Action Podcast to explore all episodes.
Hello.
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode of Active Action Podcast.
I'm with your Dr. Nazeeb back again.
And today we have a very wonderful guest with us.
(01:35):
But before that, I wanted to take this time to acknowledge my dear listeners to keep sticking with our podcast and also to keep supporting us.
I really appreciate all our audience and also for your very valuable feedback.
We try to honor those feedback and provide you with content that you love and inspire you to stay active and take action like always.
(02:00):
So without further ado, let us begin today's episode and I'll introduce my guest just in a second.
Hello.
Good evening, Dayla.
How are you doing?
Good evening, Dr. Nazeeb.
I'm doing well.
Today we have with us Darla Radilla.
So Darla is an author, speaker, and also, if we might say a residence expert, Darla, would you like to introduce yourself to our audience?
(02:30):
Yeah, sure.
My name is Darla Radilla and I am a self-love coach.
And yes, I have lots to share today, but I'm a narcissistic abuse survivor.
And that really has changed my life for sure.
And resilience definitely is my superpower.
That's wonderful to know, Darla.
(02:52):
From my perspective, resilience is a very good character to have, but also it's very difficult to achieve.
And as people in life, we have to pass certain stage to become resilient to things.
And definitely this is not an easy thing to achieve.
Can you kindly let us know a bit about yourself?
(03:14):
Can you share a bit about your background and what actually led you to this work today?
So my background is I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional home.
And when I didn't have good examples growing up of what a healthy relationship looked like, and as well as not having a healthy relationship with myself, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home.
(03:34):
And I grew up having a healthy relationship with myself because I was sent the message pretty much most of my childhood that I didn't matter.
I didn't have a voice.
And that really transferred into my adult relationships, romantic relationships.
Because I didn't have a good relationship with my father, I tried to fill that void with men in my life.
(03:57):
But not only did I have a tape in my head saying you're not worthy of love.
I also had a very dysfunctional comfort zone.
So we tend to do that a lot when we have something that feels familiar, it may not be good for us, but we tend to gravitate towards that.
I had no concept of what a narcissist was.
(04:19):
I had heard of the word, but I had this kind of vision in my head that they were very obvious.
I had no idea that the next year was going to be a whole other set of challenges.
Because if you're familiar with the terms, I was trauma bonded.
I know that these experiences are very difficult to face and no one actually feels those from outside.
(04:42):
You can only understand those yourself as you walk through the path and to cope up with the emotional bonding.
Because emotion is sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse, has many different forms.
And definitely very difficult to get over a relationship.
That actually teaches you as you go through the pain to understand the true meaning of resilience.
(05:05):
Can I ask you one question?
Because when we say resilience is a superpower, we know superpowers in literal meaning are things that are very hard to achieve.
But once you achieve that, you are unstoppable.
So can I ask you, how do you see resilience as a superpower?
How can you define it as a superpower?
Yeah, for me, the definition of that is basically no matter how many times I get knocked down, I get back up.
(05:29):
And resilience is a daily choice.
It's not a destination.
It's a journey for sure.
Just like healing is in any form.
It's interesting you said unstoppable.
I looked up at my vision boards right in front of me and that's my word for the year.
But resilience really is about that decision.
And I got knocked down hard just three months ago.
I went through a very painful breakup.
(05:51):
And it shifted me in a good way though.
But so for me, I've learned to adapt and say it's not happening to me.
It's happening for me.
And I have gotten knocked down many times and I will again.
I will.
(06:11):
So part of my new strategy with resilience that I use this time was I was grieving terribly over this relationship I lost.
So I allowed that.
I put a deadline on it and I said I had up until a certain date that I could feel any emotion no matter how strong or supposedly inappropriate it was.
(06:33):
Because I wanted to recognize that.
I wanted to honor that.
And then when January 1st rolled around, I said that I still I was thinking something today about how I miss something about the relationship.
But the intensity of it has to end.
I have to work on moving on.
So that's what resilience is.
Like, while I had no idea how to fix my life, which was in shambles, I just surrendered to my higher power.
(07:00):
And yeah, it's really about things are going to happen to us.
Death, loss, frustration.
We can't avoid those things.
It's just how we react to them.
And a lot of time I've heard that when this narcissistic abuse or behavior comes and I just want to address it right away.
(07:22):
Not it's completely relevant to a topic, but sometimes people say, oh, I do this because I love you.
I control you because I want to protect you.
But protection and love has different literal meanings and your action actually speaks for itself.
Narcissistic abuse is in no way controlling and loving or protecting a loved one.
(07:44):
So I think that is very important to understand.
Absolutely.
It's narcissistic people are actually usually highly intelligent and there are different levels.
There's a spectrum of them for sure.
Love can be support.
Love can be tough love.
I'm very direct in my relationships when a need of mine is not being met.
I use I statements now, but I am direct.
(08:07):
But I can't control that other person, nor should I.
Right.
Yeah, for sure.
So piggybacking on your experience, darling, I want to ask you there are many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with self-worth.
So how do you begin to rebuild your confidence after you go through something like that or after you have that experience?
(08:30):
Yeah, it's something I still struggle with to be really honest.
There'll always be some form of healing.
So to begin, I really think getting support is very important.
This is a difficult journey, to say the least.
And if you are able to find a friend that is willing to either understand, maybe there's someone who understands it because they've been through it.
(08:55):
If they don't, if they're willing to accept what you say as the truth, whether they believe it or understand it, that's valuable.
Find a support group.
That is a big thing.
Find, when I was in the support group two, three years ago, just being in the same space with someone who gets me, because even licensed mental health professionals, some of them don't understand.
(09:19):
And that's how I got into this in the first place.
And being with someone who understands you, understands the dynamics of it, and understands how hard it is to heal is powerful.
I would also say do research.
I went a little crazy, maybe a little overboard, but I started researching.
I read The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern, and she talked about what gaslighting is.
(09:43):
And it really sparked me.
What is going on here?
This woman just described my life in detail, and she doesn't even know me.
What is this?
But educate yourself.
And if you have to ask the question, is this person a narcissist?
They may be.
Being a jerk is not a narcissist.
So there's one hand, that term is overused, but I think also in the past, we were undereducated about it.
(10:09):
But yeah, it's support.
I think that's really your first step.
I completely agree with you, Darla, that it's very important to find the people that actually walk through the shoes that you walk through and felt how you felt.
And oftentimes I understand people might have difficulties to find support groups or find persons that actually went through the same hardship or the same process.
(10:37):
Do you have any suggestions how they can actually reach out to these people or find the support group?
I know one option is social media, but from your experience, can you share something about that?
Yeah, I did have problems finding it.
I couldn't find an in-person one.
So actually what I did is I went on meetup.com and started searching for virtual support groups.
(11:02):
And I found an amazing support group.
And I would say try different ones.
See which one resonates with you, because they're all different.
But that for me was my saving grace.
While I prefer in person, our world has changed and it's actually opened up.
And there are several on Meetup for sure.
Okay.
(11:23):
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing that.
As we are talking about the healing process and overcoming trauma, I want to ask you, what are some practical steps someone can take when they realize that they're in a toxic or abusive relationship?
There's a couple of things.
First of all, I would think really hard about how do I feel when I'm in this person's presence.
(11:48):
In my previous relationship, I used to base my investment in that relationship on how I felt about them, how in love with them I was, how much I love them.
But now what I do is I think, how do they make me feel?
Do I feel tense?
Do I feel anxious?
Do I feel something's wrong, but I'm not quite sure what that is, because that's a big one.
(12:11):
Often, and this went with me, my stomach turned.
Our body, I'm trained in somatics, which is our nervous system.
Our body often will tell us if you feel something's off, it probably is.
I would also, once again, if you're unsure, go to a support group and just bounce it off of them.
See what they say.
One thing I was going to say, you can go to a friend, but I will tell you often friends may not even know this person is toxic, because they are often very good at acting and they are different people outside of the home than they are inside.
(12:45):
But you may have a close friend that picks up on it.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Darla.
I wanted to just backtrack a bit on this question.
Can you let our listeners know what do you think are some of the signs that they are in a toxic or abusive relationship?
What are those red flags someone can look onto or think of when they are in a relationship that's not going well?
(13:09):
How can they recognize that it is toxic?
Yeah, there's several.
So the first thing is they often what they call love bomb.
That is when they just shower you with attention.
They, this is amazing.
And they usually fast track the relationship as well.
And then there's this very common cycle that happens.
So you have the love bomb and then they'll do what they call devalue.
(13:32):
That's where there's paying a little less attention to you.
Maybe they're making snide comments.
It shouldn't matter who I am inside.
But those are things, right?
And then the final phase of that cycle is discard.
So they may disappear for days or hours or months.
(13:53):
Or if you're living in a home there, they may be giving you the silent treatment.
Or in my case, the final discard was the divorce.
But what happens is with this cycle is it repeats over and over again and it gets faster.
And what happens is when I referred to the trauma bonding earlier,
some of these red flags that happen is they give you that a lot of attention in the beginning
(14:17):
and then they withdraw it.
You'll do anything to get the original version of them back.
Other red flags besides the fast tracking is if it's too good to be true, it probably is.
Also, it goes back to that body sensation.
If you feel a twinge, if you're a guy that says, he seems perfect on paper, but something's off.
(14:40):
Something's really off. Go with it.
Okay. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I feel I'm learning a lot from you.
Yeah, these are some of the exposures.
Unfortunately, I haven't been exposed to that much, but I know a lot of our listeners even
(15:01):
did reach out even asking, oh, Ismael, do you think our relationship is going good if this
happens or how do you think, how do you feel or how do you think that my relationship is
not going good and how I can improve that.
But oftentimes it's really important to identify the red flags or just to understand the signal
(15:23):
or where things going and if you are being abused or not.
So I think this would be very helpful for them to know.
I want to ask you about healing from trauma.
Healing from trauma is a journey and it's not a destination.
So what are some of the key milestones or breakthroughs you have experienced?
Yeah, it's been 11 years and it's been a journey and sometimes it's been very quick.
(15:47):
I'm in a major transformation right now and sometimes it hasn't.
And so it started with that day I left and then a year later when I did not take my life
that I started seeing a counselor for sure.
So that milestone was really big because she got me to understand that I was in an abusive
(16:08):
relationship.
It wasn't complete denial.
I thought she was nuts.
No, you don't know what you're talking about.
So it went from there to I was stopped.
So another milestone was I had already gone no contact and was holding that boundary tight.
But there was a part of me that didn't trust myself long term to still be able to do that
because I was still hurting pretty bad.
(16:30):
So I left the area not only for my mental safety but I did feel physically unsafe.
I'm moving back to Colorado.
I'm not going to Denver because I want to go to a different area.
So this is fast tracking.
I'm taking my power back 11 years later but in between.
So I have continued to be in and out of therapy or counseling through that time.
I'm actually seeing a coach right now.
(16:52):
I started seeing one a few weeks ago again.
And when I've been in and out of counseling, it's given me time for self-reflection.
One thing that really happened to me a year ago, year and a half ago, is I read a book
and realized I thought I loved myself.
(17:13):
You hear a lot about that self-love, the whole Pollyanna kind of thing.
And what I realized is that I didn't even know myself.
That was another major transformation.
So getting to know myself, then I can look at do I love myself, learning my value.
So that was a major thing that happened a year and a half ago.
(17:35):
And then over this past year, also dating differently, having boundaries.
That was another breakthrough.
Having boundaries, not just with others but right now, what I'm working on is boundaries
with myself.
But I hope that helps.
Does that answer your question?
It was a long answer.
No, no, that really helps.
But I recognize many people might think that how do you have a boundary with yourself?
(18:00):
But if you think about it, it is really important.
Even how you mentioned you got to know yourself, I don't think many people realize that even
if you ask someone randomly, do you actually know yourself?
And he or she can tell that, yeah, I like this, I like that, I like that.
Yeah, I like this, I like that.
I don't like this, I don't like that.
(18:21):
So these are my preferences.
But the thing is, what does knowing someone actually mean?
What does knowing your inner self, if you stand facing on a mirror, can you be really
honest with you?
I think that is what knowing oneself truly means.
But yeah, and also having set those boundaries and understanding what is right and wrong
(18:44):
for you and also to mention when you go through a very difficult journey from cutting away
from something, oftentimes you want to want to go back or just check in social media,
just to stalk and do that kind of thing.
But it's very difficult to even have spent some time in the very beginning just to get
(19:05):
away from that.
And I know time is a big healer and readily over and over with time, you get to cope up
with things and I also appreciate your thought on counselors.
They can definitely, a professional counselor can definitely play an important role in helping
you to overcome odds.
(19:26):
One thing I would recommend if someone does see a professional counselor is that this
has been my experience.
When they haven't been, when they don't have lived experience in trauma or narcissistic
abuse, sometimes they actually re-traumatize the patient without intending to, which is
what happened to me a year or two ago.
(19:47):
And it's just that they don't understand the dynamics of it.
It's not that they're necessarily a bad counselor.
I could not counsel someone with addiction or substance abuse.
I've never had substance abuse issues.
So I really don't understand it.
Can I ask you about what do you think some of the misconceptions are about narcissistic
(20:07):
abuse and healing from it?
Yeah, I think there is a stigma or a misconception that only women with low self-esteem are manipulated
by these men, but it's quite the opposite.
Narcissists actually target very strong, successful women.
And part of it is they have this sick delusion that they can actually, a vampire, suck your
(20:32):
good qualities into themselves.
That's one thing.
The other thing is that they enjoy breaking you down and controlling you.
It is their mission to tear you down because they hate themselves so much and think so
little of themselves.
In order for them to feel good about themselves, they have to make others feel bad around them.
(20:53):
And so that's a misconception.
There's misconceptions that narcissists are able to rehabilitate or go to therapy and
fix themselves.
I'm going to say no.
I don't believe that.
I think there are different levels.
Some of them that are lower are self-aware, but they actually, very young in childhood,
(21:16):
had a horrible, terrible wound.
Something bad happened to them.
And their prefrontal cortex is very weak.
And their prefrontal cortex was right here, which is accountability, empathy.
It didn't develop in their brain.
They are not hard-wired to be able to do that.
So that's one thing.
The other thing is that the healing process is very difficult.
(21:41):
When I referred to an addiction before, the way they break you down is very similar to
how cults break people down.
You will do unbelievable things that you would never do.
And so this is a lifetime thing.
I will always be healing.
I don't get to wave a magic wand and I'm done.
(22:03):
That's a big misconception.
Healing is messy.
And from your experience, I would ask you, you went through all the pain and trauma and
you took that to develop and build yourself.
And the self-confidence and the resilient nature you have now is a product that you
achieved many over times.
(22:25):
So can I just ask you, how can someone shift from feeling a victim to become empowered
in your life that you are right now?
Can you share that experience?
Yeah, it's actually available to everyone and they can do it.
I think the first step is really making the decision.
That day 11 years ago, I made the decision.
(22:48):
I don't know how to do this.
Hey, higher power, show me the way.
That's your first step on your shift.
And I would say, be willing to have setbacks, be willing to have it be really hard.
Being empowered and being resilient isn't doing it perfect.
(23:09):
It's also not ever having challenges.
So I say to be strong, you have to be weak.
So three months ago, I was a wreck.
I was beside myself, a wreck.
And that still is resilience because I didn't stay there.
(23:30):
But for someone to shift in the beginning, I'd say, be kind to yourself.
Start doing things for yourself.
You've probably neglected your own personal things, like things you enjoy,
whether that's gardening or going out to restaurants.
Start investing in yourself.
What's going to happen is when you start to value yourself and do the things you enjoy,
(23:52):
that will shift you too.
It's going to make it a little bit easier to set those boundaries and heal.
Yes.
Thank you so much for that advice.
And backtracking a bit, Tyler, when we spoke about boundaries,
it's very important to set boundaries, but people often have difficulties to understand
how to even do that.
(24:13):
So can I ask you, how has setting boundaries changed your life?
And what advice would you like to give others who are struggling with setting boundaries?
Yes.
So 20 years ago, I was codependent and setting a boundary.
Well, I've always been very outspoken.
I'm an East Coaster, so I'm not a fan of boundaries.
So I'm very outspoken.
(24:35):
But as far as boundaries are concerned, I was afraid to set them because I didn't want
to scare them away or upset them or be perceived as being bad or too much,
because I was told that my whole life.
But what happens is when you start to set boundaries,
you are actually telling yourself that you have value.
(24:57):
I would say it goes back to what we just talked about investing in yourself,
because when you start to invest in yourself, you are going to want to have boundaries with others.
And I would say, take it in baby steps again.
You don't have to go boundaries to try it with one person.
(25:21):
Okay, I'm going to start setting this boundary with this person.
And also be willing to say no, be willing to lose people in your life.
Right.
And just take it one step at a time.
Boundaries are really about self-respect.
(25:44):
Like in my relationships, I set boundaries because I have needs.
I think that's actually a really good point.
Really decide what your needs and your standards are and say yes to those and no to anything that doesn't honor those.
Do you feel, darling, when someone is setting their boundaries for their own well-being
(26:09):
and the partner or your close ones, can they take that as a negative approach that now you're descending?
Away from us or now you're descending away from me.
But oftentimes they perceive you differently, to be honest, negatively.
(26:33):
And that can actually demotivate the people who are trying to set that boundary.
So I think it's very important to mention data to set your own standards and to understand your need.
And according to that, even though the negativity might come,
resilience is also a part of facing that negativity.
I can almost guarantee it's going to happen.
(26:55):
Yeah, for sure.
I think it's important what's good for your own self.
Right.
So think about it this way.
They're used to seeing you in a certain way.
Right.
And when you no longer fit the pattern of what they're used to, that's very threatening to them.
Particularly if you're with someone who there you might get really lucky.
(27:18):
Yes, there may be resistance, but maybe you are with someone who's healthy.
A healthy person is going to say, okay, this makes me uncomfortable, but let's talk more about that.
Tell me more.
An unhealthy person is not only going to be uncomfortable with it, they're going to try to stop it.
So a really good example is I'm working with an intuitive coach.
And we were talking about how my mom always tried to keep me small as a child.
(27:40):
And part of it was I've always been this really big person, like big personality, I take up a lot of space.
And my mom didn't like that because she was a small minded person.
And if I'm big, if I'm changing, I'm shedding light on her dysfunction, on her things that she doesn't measure up to.
So that's going to happen in your relationships.
(28:00):
They don't want to change or they're not comfortable with it or they're caught off guard.
Maybe they're not your people.
It's not easier said than done. I get that.
It's tough. But as you grow, I have just outgrown almost every friend I have locally.
And I outgrew my best friend and had to break up with her two weeks ago.
(28:21):
That was really tough.
It's tough.
Yeah.
And she didn't even do anything.
But it was a boundary I had to set for myself because I've changed so much in this past three months that I no longer resonate with her.
And so that's going to happen in relationships too.
Maybe you start to change, but your partner sits there and they're digging in their heels.
(28:43):
If they don't come with you, you might have to say goodbye.
And that might be tough.
Speaking of that, coming back to resilience, what do you think, what are some of the daily habits or mindset shifts that can help cultivate resilience in someone?
Yeah.
A couple of things come to mind that I do every day.
(29:07):
Some people like to meditate. Some people don't. Some people doesn't work for them.
I would just say, even if it's five minutes, take some quiet time.
We are always in our phones and our computers watching TV, always busy.
But what I have found and in those quiet moments is where my biggest truths come to me.
So take five minutes and just sit, even if you just do nothing.
(29:28):
And that's hard for me because I'm always on the move.
The other thing is just be really mindful of what you are putting into your brain.
My personal practice is I have an audio book playing every time I'm in my car and it's a personal development book.
I listen to personal development podcasts every morning while I'm putting my makeup on.
It's just those simple things that are daily practices.
(29:51):
So I know you actually learned a lot from your past and you actually turned some very sorrow
moments into your strength and into the very confident woman you are today.
So I want to ask you about how has your past influenced you and your career today and mission to help others?
(30:13):
Yeah, it's totally fashioned it for sure.
So it's ironic that back in 2013, I'd actually started another business and I was based on the secret and manifestation.
And I was doing self-empowerment workshops, having no idea I was in an abusive relationship, giving away my power.
So it started then.
And last year, it reignited.
(30:37):
I was frustrated.
I was seeing a licensed therapist and she was victim blaming me and she was very abysmal.
She was blaming me and she was very abrasive and demanding.
That's when I started to look for the in-person support groups and so forth.
It started out with me having a free support group for a while.
I decided to actually offer the thing I was seeking.
(30:59):
Because I'll tell you, when I had my support group, I got a lot out of it myself because I'm still a survivor.
And so then it morphed into I decided to get a certification in February of last year.
And I'm just finishing this up.
I have one more little small thing and I have a master's equivalent.
And then it went from there that two months later, I had quit my job and had taken another one.
(31:24):
And three days in decided, no, this isn't the job for me.
And said, I'm never going back to work again.
For somebody else.
I work harder for myself than I do anybody.
But I decided this is my calling.
I have learned so much from my experiences.
And I feel like I have so much to offer because I understand it.
I understand narcissistic abuse.
I understand trauma.
(31:45):
I am every day going through my own healing journey.
And I wanted to help other women that are also through that.
That would be that's a very wonderful and inspiring aim.
And I really wish you a good luck with that.
I know you are a somatic trauma informed coach, but can I ask you what actually inspired you to become a somatic trauma informed coach?
(32:08):
And what does that work involve?
You can't really talk to the benefit of our audience so that if someone is interested, they can get in touch with you.
So, yeah.
So somatics is our nervous system and our body.
So when we have a traumatic event, our brain records the memory, but our body records the sensation.
(32:29):
And I always describe it as a needle in the record of telling my age right now.
The needle in the record gets stuck.
And in our bodies, if we don't sit with that discomfort or if we stuff that memory, it will actually drive our behaviors and decisions in the future.
So what I do with women is we're going to talk about a current event that they want to work through.
(32:52):
And we're going to talk about what current body sensation they have.
So, for example, often when we feel like we don't have a voice, our throat will feel really tight or tickle in the back.
And I'll be like, okay, great.
They didn't hear you when you tried to talk to your husband.
You had this tight throat.
When did you feel like that before?
(33:13):
Often it will go back to childhood.
So we're going to connect it to a previous experience.
And the beauty of the somatics is that I'm going to sit there with them and hold space with them.
This might get a little uncomfortable because now I'm asking them to think about something that was painful in the past.
And depending on that level, it might be really difficult.
(33:35):
Now, the other difference between this and regular therapy is we're not going to talk about your whole childhood and everything that ever happened to you.
We're just going to focus on one event that comes up in that session.
And so I'm either going to let that emotion bubble up and they can react to it any way they want.
Maybe they need to cry.
Maybe they need to yell.
Maybe they need to say whatever that is.
And then we're going to talk.
(33:57):
I'm going to ask questions because you have the answer right here in yourself.
You just don't know it.
I'm going to help guide you to that answer.
And we're going to talk about, OK, if you didn't feel like this, how do you want to feel?
How do you think you can move forward?
And so I helped them come to a solution and a plan to move through that painful experience.
And do you provide the support in person or online as well?
(34:21):
It's all online.
So I do all of them.
Yeah. Currently, I'm always changing what I'm doing.
It's so good.
Currently, I'm offering group workshops.
And I do have one-on-ones.
I do have a VIP day, which is a four-hour intensive session with me.
I used to do just like one-hour sessions.
(34:43):
But I'm finding that just one hour and then they never come back.
I don't think it's really good for them because they may have an aha moment,
but then life gets in the way and they probably, I would forget about, oh, I learned to do this.
OK. Thank you. Thank you for mentioning that.
So I think it would be a bit easier for our audience to understand the work that you do and get in touch with you.
(35:08):
Speaking of that, can I ask you where can my listeners actually connect with you and learn more about your work?
Yeah. Everything's on my website.
So it's highvaluewoman.info.
I actually have a podcast that I released weekly as well.
And I talk about trauma and narcissistic abuse.
And I've been focusing on relationships in particular in self-love right now.
(35:31):
I have a blog. I have free downloads.
Right now, I'm promoting a workshop that I'm doing, and that is about reclaiming your worth.
So if they want to check that out, I'm super excited.
That is a two-hour workshop.
And then you also get 30. You will get 30 minutes privately with me after the workshop to do a follow up.
So also, I wanted to ask you, do you have any resources, books or programs that you'd recommend for people starting their healing journey?
(35:58):
Yeah, absolutely. So that book I referred to earlier, The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern, highly recommend that book.
It was a game changer for me and an eye opener.
I'm training under Caroline Strassen personally for the certification that I'm working on.
I'm doing an additional one on narcissistic abuse as well.
She has a book out called How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse.
(36:22):
I would say anything Caroline does is gold.
She is also a survivor as well and is training. She trained me in somatics.
I took her course and I love her.
The other book that I would recommend is the one that really got me straight on how to know myself was called Single on Purpose by John Kim.
(36:44):
Whether you're single or not, it's really about just getting to know who you are so you can love that person.
Okay. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I also want to let the audience know is that audience, if you go to our activeaction.fm website, in the test, you'll find Dalerie De La.
You'll be able to find all her links in there.
(37:07):
So if you just want to see those to her or get in touch with her, so that information is available.
Also, feel free to send out an email if you want to reach out to Dalerie.
So if you send me an email, I'll definitely forward that to her.
Anything that suits you.
It's all having that right guidance.
It's all about having that right support.
(37:28):
So I it's really helpful to have someone to hold your hands along that way.
Thank you so much, Dalerie, for coming to the podcast and sharing your very words of wisdom.
I'm certain my audience is to back some learnings and understanding on what they have to do to set boundaries, what they have to do to become more resilient.
(37:52):
Why residence is really important in life and even how to walk through the very hard path to overcome fear and to overcome the emotional attachments, which are always necessary and how to learn to be more resilient.
I want to ask a very last question before we end.
I know you have a mission to help women.
(38:15):
So two questions.
So what's your next mission to empower survivors?
And second question is if you want to share a powerful message with our audience, especially our female audience, what would that be?
So my mission definitely is to help women to fall in love with themselves so they can find their dream partner.
(38:38):
But yeah, a powerful message for me.
Not only is it no matter how many times you fall, just get back up.
I would say the most powerful is be kind to yourself and be OK with setbacks.
Tomorrow you can always start over with day one.
For sure.
And I completely agree with you, Dalerie.
(39:00):
And as you mentioned, tomorrow can be day one.
If I connect with that with a very powerful message, one of my recent guests shared was show me yesterday.
You cannot show someone yesterday, right?
Definitely tomorrow can be a day one and it can be a new beginning.
I really appreciate your time, Dalerie.
(39:21):
Thank you again for joining today's podcast.
And I really appreciate the best of luck with all the work that you do.
Thanks for having me. I appreciate it as well.
Dear listeners, so you were listening to our wonderful guest, Dalerie DeLox.
And I hope you got some very powerful messages about resilience.
(39:42):
And also, if you have any questions or get in touch, just let me know.
I'll connect you with her.
And also, again, thank you so much for tuning in to this podcast.
Your support really means a lot to us.
Keep sharing the podcast and your feedback on your comment.
And your recommendation really means a lot to me.
(40:03):
And finally, if you find any value in what we share or the message we spread,
don't forget to drop a coin in our virtual tip jar.
I really appreciate all your support always.
That was it for today. And take care.
I'll meet you in another episode next week.
Up until then, take care, stay active, and take action.
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