June 23, 2025 • 47 mins
Today we speak with Dr. Samantha Harte about her experience living as a high-functioning person with addiction and how perfection masks internal struggles. She shares her journey from overdosing on cocaine as she was accepted into her doctoral program to becoming an author and recovery coach helping others find authentic healing.
• High-functioning addiction often hides behind external success and achievements
• Control and perfectionism become secondary addictions that receive cultural reinforcement
• Traditional recovery approaches can face resistance from high-achievers who struggle to admit powerlessness
• Dr. Harte discusses writing her book "Breaking the Circuit" after losing her sister to overdose
• Trauma-informed recovery approaches help address the underlying childhood experiences driving perfectionism
• Self-compassion and making amends to yourself are crucial parts of healing for perfectionists
• Both Dr. Harte and Dr. Grover share personal experiences of maintaining outward success while struggling internally
• Physical healing and spiritual healing are interconnected in authentic recovery
If something Dr. Harte shared resonates with you, please reach out. Dr. Samantha Harte, responds to her own DMs. Connect with her, book a free discovery call, and don't ignore the call if something pierces you – she's here to wake you up and light your soul on fire.
To contact Dr. Grover: ammadeeasy@fastmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Addiction Medicine Made Easy
Podcast.
Hey there, I'm Dr Casey Grover,an addiction medicine doctor
based on California's CentralCoast.
(00:22):
For 14 years I worked in theemergency department seeing
countless patients strugglingwith addiction.
Now I'm on the other side ofthe fight, helping people
rebuild their lives when drugsand alcohol take control.
Thanks for tuning in.
Let's get started.
This is a really special episodefor me.
Today I will be talking with DrSamantha Hart, who is a
physical therapist, and for me,today I will be talking with Dr
(00:44):
Samantha Hart, who is a physicaltherapist and recovery coach in
Southern California.
She is the author of the bookBreaking the Circuit, and today
we're going to be talking aboutwhat it's like being a very
highly functional person withaddiction and how to heal when
everything looks good on theoutside but actually isn't good
(01:05):
on the inside.
And I really, as you will hearduring this episode, can relate
to this.
Sam was in active addiction asshe was completing a doctoral
degree in physical therapy, andI can relate because I was
suffering from major depression,self-harm and an eating
disorder when I was graduatingfrom UCLA with straight A's and
(01:25):
getting into medical school.
For the person who is highlyfunctioning, who is struggling,
it becomes easy to say nothingis wrong because everything
looks good on the outside.
Control and perfectionismbecome addictive, as it's how to
believe that you are successfulwithout actually having to face
being vulnerable.
(01:45):
This was a fantastic episode torecord, and I am really grateful
to have met Dr Hart.
As you listen to her speak, youcan tell how intelligent she is
, and yet she's had some realstruggles.
This episode is a greatreminder that addiction can
happen to anyone, even if theirlife looks good on the outside.
One quick warning this episodedoes contain some salty language
(02:07):
.
And with that here we go.
Well, good morning, sam.
It is so nice to meet you.
I'm so looking forward tohearing your story today.
Let's start by just telling uswho you are and what you do.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Thank you for having me.
I am many, many things.
I'm a doctor of physicaltherapy and personal development
coach, and today I can safelysay that I help people heal and
consciously create a body andlife that they love.
(02:44):
If you had asked me thatquestion even two years ago, I
would just be Dr Hart which isnot small, it's not nothing and
I would tell you that I helppeople correct faulty movement
(03:10):
patterns and prevent injury.
And so what's changed?
What's changed?
What's changed?
And I would say that when I gotout of grad school and I saw
the landscape of the healthcareclimate, I was newly sober and I
(03:35):
thought this is it, this iswhat I got into, all this debt
for you want me to see four orfive patients at a time and at
best, before insurancedischarges them, give them a set
of straight leg raises to dowhen they get home.
Is this a joke?
(03:57):
And so I remember one of theexciting things about becoming a
PT was that I could have my ownbusiness one day.
So it was always in the back ofmy mind, but I didn't want to
start my career that way.
I needed to get my clinicalfeet underneath me, so to speak.
So I worked for a woman whotruly only saw one patient at a
(04:19):
time, and I did that veryintentionally so I could become
a good practitioner.
And I did that veryintentionally so I could become
(04:50):
a good practitioner.
And then within three years, Iwas% better.
And so I started to ask themand their answer was oh, I go to
a trainer.
I bought a package of Pilatessessions and all of a sudden I'm
thinking, wait a minute, thesepeople who are so much less
qualified are getting threetimes as much money to do the
(05:14):
thing that I would love to bedoing with these patients.
I should offer it.
So I did, and that's how mybusiness was born and I ran a
cash-based PT clinic in SantaMonica for 10 years and the
thing is on a parallel track.
(05:37):
I was in sobriety and we'll getinto that.
You know one of thosehigh-functioning addicts who, on
the evening of getting acceptedinto a doctoral program,
overdosed on cocaine, verybegrudgingly entered the rooms
(05:57):
of AA and didn't go back for ayear and a half until I
begrudgingly went back becausethe guy I was dating caught me
with this prescription pillbottle that was not prescribed
to me, that I was totallyabusing, and I felt like, uh-oh,
he was probably going to leaveme if I didn't get sober, but
not because I really wanted todo any of the work that the
(06:19):
steps were suggesting I ought todo, because that work
threatened my entire identity.
That work meant that thishigh-achieving perfectionist who
was able to control, curate theworld around her, was going to
have to relinquish control overpeople, places, things and
(06:42):
situations.
And I didn't see a reason to dothat at all.
I just knew I had to stop usingcocaine.
And so, as I'm trudging throughsobriety very reluctantly and
having to do the work Now, I didthe work for a long time
(07:04):
without a power greater thanmyself.
My husband, the guy who foundthe pill bottle, who was my
boyfriend, who became my fiance,who became my husband.
He was my higher power.
I didn't know that until hepulled away from me, but he was.
His love for me was what keptme safe and whole in the world,
(07:25):
and until he pulled that away, Ididn't understand how much I
was relying on it.
So I did the steps the best Icould.
I worked through my fourth step.
I unpacked my anger.
I had made amends to him and toa lot of people I had hurt, and
I'm starting to gather someevidence that these patients in
(07:46):
the clinic, who are not addicts,seem to also be suffering from
a spiritual malady.
What do I mean?
Well, I'd have the wife who hadseen every in-network
practitioner for plantarfasciitis and nobody could fix
(08:06):
it.
And finally I'm going.
Well, you have a hip issue.
Nobody's looked at your hip andbecause you have no stability
there, you're dropping intoexcessive pronation and your
plantar fascia is getting yankedover and over again.
So here's what we're going todo about it.
(08:29):
I create this amazing programand then she comes in the next
day and says I'm so sorry, Ididn't get a chance to do it.
Oh, what happened?
Well, my husband was supposedto do this and that and the
other, and then he didn't, andso I obviously had to get it
(08:49):
done.
And by the time I did all thethings, I was exhausted, and in
order for me to have any time tomyself at all, I stayed up late
and blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Or you know, I know you said Ishould be using at least five
pound weights to really buildstrength, but I just, every time
(09:14):
I do that, it makes me feelbulky and I feel I feel big, and
I just I don't, I don't want todo that, I don't, I don that.
And so these people aresuffering from hypervigilance,
taking on the invisible mentalload in their household, chronic
people-pleasing, perfectionism,obsession with the beauty and
(09:37):
body standard, and all of it isgetting in the way of their
plantar fasciitis getting better, and so it was like an itch
that I couldn't scratch, youknow, and when you ask me, who
am I?
The second part of what I saidis that I'm a personal
(09:57):
development coach.
I could also say I'm a lifecoach.
I could also say I'm a mindsetcoach.
I could also say I'm anexecutive coach.
I could also say I'm a soberlife coach.
Kind of depends on who I'mspeaking to, of course.
But why is that part of mydescription today?
Because on March the 13th of2022, I lost my big sister,
(10:18):
jessica, to a drug overdose andin that moment, I decided I was
going to write a book and thebook was going to be about the
spiritual side of wellness andthat I was going to put that at
the epicenter of what I do inthe world, whether it's talking
on a podcast, speaking on astage or treating a patient in
(10:39):
the clinic.
So today, I don't just treatthe body, I treat the body and
the spirit, because I don'tbelieve we should separate the
two.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
I just want to pause and acknowledge the loss of your
family member.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
If I can reflect back what I heard from you, as you
shared who you are and what youdo, I heard two things.
One is that you wanted to seepeople for all of them, not just
one aspect.
I mean, that's always been myfrustration.
(11:21):
I was an ER doc before I was anaddiction doctor and people
come in and it's been like 45years of poor nutrition, no
access to exercise, familydidn't prioritize education and
now we need three back surgeriesand we're dependent on pain
meds.
I was like man, this didn'tstart this week and I can't do
much in the ER.
So I 100% relate to yoursentiment of I actually want to
(11:41):
help all of the person and ittakes attention to more than
just what they tell you is wrong.
And then I also hear you sayingthat about yourself is you want
to work on all of Sam to be thebest Sam you can be.
Do I have that right?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
You sure do.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Tell me about your book.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
So I was in the Austin airport when I found out
she died, with my husband, and Ireally don't remember anything
at all about that day, otherthan wailing on the floor of the
airport.
But my husband said that on theflight back I turned to him and
(12:25):
said I'm writing a fucking book.
So apparently I knew that day.
Now, I think what I knew inthat moment was this was a story
among a sea of stories, itbeing the most painful and
dramatic.
That finally gave me permissionto say I am not recovering in
(12:48):
silence anymore.
I am sharing my story becauseour secrets are keeping us sick
and there are people in and outof the rooms of recovery,
addicted to substance and otherthings, that are suffering in
silence, and I will be thelighthouse.
(13:10):
And so the book started as thestories of my life.
You know, when I sat down, Itook a note from James Clear in
Atomic Habits, who said we don'trise to the level of our goals,
we fall to the level of oursystems, and I thought what is a
system I can put into placethat would actually hold me
(13:31):
accountable to writing this book, which is a huge goal, a goal
that so many people have by theway for their lives.
And I thought I'm going towrite for 30 minutes a day for
30 days.
I'm going to start with that.
No pressure, this does not haveto go in order, I do not have
(13:51):
to start at chapter one, I donot have to know the structure.
I'm just going to pick a storyand write, and so I'm writing,
and I'm writing, and I'm writing, and eventually I work with
someone who's a published authorand I create a book proposal
and then I start submitting andsubmitting, and submitting, and
eventually I work with thishybrid publishing company, and a
(14:12):
hybrid publisher, if you pick agood one, gives you all the
process for a certain feemonthly, which I was okay doing
in exchange for a much higherroyalty split.
And as I got my team assembled,the question became what is
(14:35):
this book for?
Well, it's to help as manypeople as possible.
Great, then, what helped you?
Helped you when I worked the 12steps in my marital crisis in a
more modern and trauma-informedway.
My healing actually began.
That's what this book is goingto be.
(14:57):
This book is going to be amodern reinvention of the 12
steps of recovery.
So I didn't know when I startedthat the memoir was not just a
movement, but it is.
I am trying to become known nowas the girl who 12-stepped the
(15:18):
world.
We talk about it in the roomsall the time.
Man, this is like the best keptsecret.
The whole goddamn world needsthese steps.
Well, who's bringing them tothe world then?
If we're all anonymous, who'sgoing to be the cycle breaker?
Who's going to be the one thathas the courage to say you know?
(15:43):
Much like yoga, these principlesare beautiful.
They're sacred.
There's something ancient aboutthem that many people believe
we shouldn't touch.
But it's also 2025.
And we know a lot more nowabout addiction, childhood
trauma and psychology.
(16:04):
We know a lot more now aboutaddiction, childhood trauma and
psychology.
So how can we take thisbeautiful set of principles if
it's an accordion that'ssquished together, best kept
secret and widen and open it upand bust through the framework
so that anyone can have accessto a spiritual blueprint for how
to get through life's hardestthings.
(16:24):
Anyone can have access to aspiritual blueprint for how to
get through life's hardestthings.
So my book is called Breakingthe Circuit how to Rewire your
Mind for Hope, resilience andJoy in the Face of Trauma.
I purposely did not put the 12steps on the title.
I didn't want to scare peopleaway.
I wanted them to crack it openand give it a whirl right.
(16:47):
And for me you know, speakingabout high achievers and how, in
some ways, how much moredifficult it is to really
concede to your innermost selfthat you need help and that you
actually are an addict.
(17:08):
When I think about who I waswhen I got into the 12-step
rooms, I was just a woman whocame into, came into a childhood
that was wildly volatile, witha mentally unstable mom who was
(17:31):
popping prescription pills, anemotionally absent father and a
very, very angry sister who wasacting out sexually and with
drugs, and control was my drugof choice.
So if I could make my bodyperfect and my grades perfect
watch out world, here I come.
(17:52):
Then everything was okay, andso I was hardwired as a type A
perfectionist genetically, butthen it was so unbelievably
reinforced by the unstableenvironment and those set of
skills really worked for me.
Culturally, you get rewarded forbeing perfect.
(18:16):
How did you get that job?
Wow, you're summa cum laude.
How are you so fit, crowd?
How are you so fit?
Just patting, patting on theback again and again, and so,
all of a sudden, aa's going hey,by the way, even though your
(18:37):
mom told you that there's nosuch thing as God and the
greatest thing about you is yourintellect, and the only person
you can count on is yourself.
You're going to have to getdown with God.
So you're going to have to cometo believe that some power in
the sky, some dude with a whitebeard, is going to wave a wand
and strike you sane becauseyou're acting fucking crazy.
To that step I said fuck you.
(19:00):
Show me, I'm crazy, show me,I'm about to be a doctor.
For God's sakes, I'm living inManhattan in my 20s and I'm
surviving.
I have a job.
I have a boyfriend.
What about me exactly is crazy.
I just have a cocaine problem.
I didn't understand that thesteps were butting up against
(19:25):
childhood beliefs that kept mesafe in a very traumatic home,
and nobody said that to me.
It was just get down with Godor good luck to you.
So when my marriage was fallingapart and this man's love for
me that was my higher power wastaken away, I was truly insane.
(19:53):
In recovery, I was filled withrage, I was filled with anxiety.
I was so sure that something Icould say or do was going to
change this man's mind and makehim love and forgive me again,
because I had been able to do itevery other time in my life and
it didn't work.
(20:13):
And so what started as I'm goingto sleep on a friend's couch
because we're fighting so muchand I had enough sobriety to go
this isn't healthy turned into amonth in a sponsor's apartment,
turned into three months onanother friend's air mattress,
until finally a sober friendsaid you can't live like this.
If you don't want to leave yourmarriage, you need to find a
(20:35):
place that's yours, you need tosign a lease and you need to
heal.
The idea of doing that meant,in my mind at the time, failure,
complete failure meant, in mymind at the time, failure,
(20:56):
complete failure, perfectionismCollapsing Before my very eyes.
But I didn't know what choice Ihad, because I couldn't live in
that house under thosecircumstances, with the fighting
.
I didn't want to get down withGod and I didn't want to relapse
, because my first sponsor whosaved my life, who had 22 years
sober from heroin addiction, herelapsed at the end of my first
year and he killed himself and Iknew if I relapsed I was going
(21:20):
to die.
So I sign a lease and I go intothis empty apartment that
needed to be furnished and I'msobbing so, absolutely depressed
.
That was rock bottom.
That was spiritual rock bottom,a place where I didn't want to
die but I could no longer go onliving with the coping patterns
(21:47):
I had been using and in walks, awoman who has worked the steps
many times in many programs, whosays what if we do the steps on
your marriage?
What do you mean?
Well, I'm not saying you can'tcall the drug dealer and that
(22:10):
it's not a possibility, but Idon't think you're about to do
that.
I think you know you'repowerless over that.
What you don't really know isyour powerlessness over this man
, the situation, the history ofyou cheating on him before you
got married and the way it'splaguing the marriage today.
(22:32):
What if you were powerless overhim Whether he is cheating on
you, because it seems like it,but you don't have no evidence
and he's denying it over thefuture of the relationship, and
that when you try to exert powerover this man and every other
person, place, thing andsituation of the relationship,
and that when you try to exertpower over this man and every
other person, place, thing andsituation, by the way, your life
(22:52):
becomes unmanageable in thefollowing way.
Well, that's pretty easy to seeYou're full of rage, you're
depressed, you're anxious, youhave no sense of self-worth and
you're only okay if he loves you.
So if all of that is true, thenwhat do you have power over?
(23:16):
By the way, I find itfascinating that Mel Robbins'
new book called the Let themTheory, has caught fire
culturally.
Because what is the let themtheory?
It is step one, modernized.
That's what it is.
Let them let your child be upsetthat you took away their screen
time.
(23:36):
You're powerless over theirupsetness.
Let them let them be who theyare.
Let them feel how they want tofeel.
Let them be who they are.
Let them feel how they want tofeel.
Let them think what they wantto think and let me do what I
can do.
I'm powerless over him, him,him.
I'm not powerless over me.
(23:59):
So that's the work we startedto do, and we repurposed the
steps in this way around themarital crisis and the
breakthrough that literally notjust changed my life, but saved.
It was the ninth step, becausehere I am, I'm five years sober
and I'm thinking oh God, amends,you know how many times do I
(24:22):
have to apologize to this manfor all the cheating.
I did seven years ago when Iwas in active addiction, and she
looked at me and she said haveyou ever made an amends to
yourself?
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Nope.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Hadn't even occurred to me.
No one had ever suggested it.
Why does that matter?
Why did that change my life?
Well, let's be really clear.
It was not a white lightexperience where I stood in
front of a mirror and said Ilove and forgive you, sam, and I
(25:06):
was fucking healed.
Okay, because this is thedifference between the land of
positive affirmation andspiritual bypass and doing the
work.
Once this woman gave mepermission, which, at that time
in my life, I needed someone togive me, because it wasn't even
in the realm of possibility, asa professional self lacerator,
(25:31):
that I could let myself off thehook.
Plus, my identity was sowrapped around beating myself up
, which gave me the edge that Ihad that.
Who would I be without it?
I needed this woman to openthat door for me so that I could
consider whether or not I couldbe a woman who, despite
(25:54):
cheating on herthen-boyfriend-now-husband, is
worthy of love and forgiveness.
Because if that was true, whatdid that mean?
Well, that meant that in thedays and weeks that followed,
every single time, which wasconstant, my critical voice
showed up and said this is whatyou fucking get for what you did
(26:17):
, sam.
You get a shitty marriage, andI guess you'll just have to wait
and see.
If your husband forgives you orif you're dissatisfied at some
point, maybe you'll leave.
But I can't imagine that,because then I'd be nothing and
no one.
If that way of speaking tomyself is reflective of a person
who doesn't love and Shit, nowI have to think about that.
(26:41):
Now I have to think aboutshifting my critical self-talk
to a compassionate self-talk.
You know what, sam?
Those things did happen and itreally sucks, and your husband's
(27:06):
definitely still angry about it.
But those behaviors are not whoyou are.
They are separate from youridentity.
And even though you did thosethings and he's not over it you
actually deserve a big,beautiful life and a happy
(27:27):
marriage.
I had to practice coming up withwhat sounded real and true to
me, not something I read off theinternet.
And once I came up with whatthat was, I'd had to double down
on saying it and interruptingthe feedback loop of
(27:48):
self-criticism that was sounbelievably reinforced for
decades.
And so, as I did that work and,by the way, I was depressed
every day in that apartment, Imean I woke up and it literally
felt like a gray cloud was overmy head, following me everywhere
.
But I didn't want to die.
(28:08):
I just didn't know how to livedifferently.
And this was the beginning oflearning how to live differently
.
And in that six to eight monthperiod, the miracle, after doing
the amends on myself, was thatI could hear the whisper of my
intuition.
She told me what my favoritecolor was.
(28:29):
I didn't know, so I decoratedmy whole apartment with splashes
of teal.
It made me feel good in areally dark time.
She also said, because I wasworking for someone else at the
time, I hadn't started strongHeart Fitness yet.
You know, sam, I think you'd bereally good as a business owner
(28:56):
and I think you could make a lotmore money than what you're
doing and help people way morethan the way you're helping them
.
She just started nudging me,she started speaking to me and
she sounded so different than mycritical voice that's how I
knew.
She was clear, calm, curiousand compassionate every time,
(29:20):
versus the critical voice, whichwas just cerebral.
Just cerebral, obsessive, mean,constrictive, gave me anxiety.
There's a physiologicpresentation of a critical part
versus a compassionate part, andthe compassionate part always
seemed to rise up, and I lovethat.
(29:42):
There's some research beingdone right now about, you know,
our gut being like a secondbrain, you bet, and I really
feel like my intuitive downloadscome from there, and since
there's trillions of bacteriainside of there, I don't think
(30:04):
that's outside of the realm ofpossibility inside of there.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
I don't think that's outside of the realm of
possibility, and the beginningof that relationship was the
beginning of my life starting,and every good thing that has
happened to me since, includingthe feeling of I'm writing a
fucking book, has been adeclaration from my intuition,
which I now call God.
You know, it's interesting.
You just shared so much aboutyour life and it reminds me
quite a bit of mine.
So I went through college, atUCLA, with an eating disorder.
People always ask me what myaddiction was.
(30:49):
It was binge eating on food andI engaged in self-harm and too
many relationships to count thatwere horribly unhealthy.
And yet I got straight A plusesone year at UCLA.
I didn't know they gave Apluses, but I literally got 10 A
pluses my sophomore year atUCLA and I went off to medical
school and same thing at UCLA.
And I went off to medicalschool, and same thing self-harm
, eating disorder, perfection, Iagree with you, was my drug,
(31:18):
and I just want to reflect backone successful person talking to
another successful person, thatI'm grateful that you and I
have the social capital to bevulnerable with our own stories
on behalf of those who can't,because when I listen to you
writing your book, sam has beenthrough a lot and by Sam.
Having been through a lot andhaving emerged on the other side
, sam can empower those whohaven't emerged yet, and that's
(31:41):
how I share my own lifeprofessionally.
I got diagnosed withpost-traumatic stress disorder
from my time in the ER and Iknow there are thousands of
healthcare workers nationallywho feel that way but don't have
a voice.
So I am willing, as are you, toshare my own dark secrets
because it can help others.
So I would love to read yourbook.
I love the idea of taking atrauma-informed approach to our
(32:04):
deepest struggles, because as Iheard you speak, I heard adverse
childhood experiences Yep, andwe know how that affects us and
looping together what you do andwhat I do.
I incorporate fitness into myaddiction treatment program.
We're running a Spartan racewith some of my patients this
weekend and I incorporate traumaand a trauma-informed approach
(32:25):
to everything I do.
I actually have my personalCrossFit trainer and I send my
traumatized patients to herbecause she has such an
unbelievable understanding oftrauma and how it affects the
human body.
So I got to say I love what youdo and if only you were not in
Thousand Oaks but Monterey, wecould refer patients back and
forth.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Well, I think we still can.
You know, a lot of people thatI coach are virtual and when the
pandemic showed up and I stillhad my clinic, the beauty of the
model I had set up at the time,which was that I was so
movement-based, could transferon the computer right.
So I was training people.
So I have people on the EastCoast that I'm doing physical
(33:07):
fitness with over the computer,coupled with spiritual work, and
they get all kinds of homeworkassignments.
I mean, it's there's nothinglike being in person, of course,
and the level of care you canprovide and connection you can
make.
But oh, it's, it's possible,and there's so much crossover
that I think it would be crazyfor us not to have each other
(33:30):
top of mind for potentialreferrals.
And, by the way, something thatI've been doing, I have a
really cool story I don't knowif we have time for it that I
could share with you.
That takes us to current day.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Let me just ask one question and then, yes, let's
hear it.
I came into medicine with noidea about life, trauma and PTSD
and if two years ago you'dasked me about PTSD I would have
been like, yeah, whatever.
Having been diagnosed with ithas really changed my
(34:05):
understanding of how profound itis, and one of my patients was
suicidal last week and I wassuper triggered and my staff in
the office yesterday was great.
They totally knew something wasoff.
They checked in on me and, yeah, trauma is so profound
physically, emotionally,spiritually.
I have so many of my patientsthat are my age I'm 41, that
(34:28):
live with chronic pain.
I'm like we're missingsomething here and the trauma is
so profound.
So, as you go into your story,I'd love to just hear a little
bit about how you aretrauma-informed in your work.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
Yeah, here's a really great example.
I like bringing up step twobecause I talked about it
already in this podcast, right?
So traditional step two sayscame to believe that a power
greater than myself couldrestore me to sanity.
And I already talked about allof my objections, and I think,
(35:02):
for the high achiever, the highfunctioning addict, especially
if they're atheist or agnostic,same objections Please show me
where I'm acting crazy, please.
So then, what's atrauma-informed reinterpretation
of that step that can actuallyland safely in someone's nervous
system?
Can I come to believe, when I'mstuck in a perfectionistic loop
(35:29):
and I just want to control theoutcome so badly, can I come to
believe that a different part ofmyself, a more loving,
surrendered, compassionate,curious, open-minded part of me,
can restore me to a feeling ofsafety?
(35:51):
Can I do that?
How different is that?
Because if we're looking at ourperfectionist part as just a
part of us, it's not all of us,it's a strong part, really
(36:12):
reinforced part, culturallyrewarded part.
But if we look at it and we go,huh hey, perfect voice, I see
that you're really showing upright now.
You really, really, really wantto control things.
I'd love for you to tell mewhat you're afraid of and I'd
(36:34):
love to just remind you thatyou've been working so hard
trying to make me feel safe, andI get it and I thank you so
much for your service.
But right now you're actuallyreally affecting my peace of
mind, and so I'm going to letyou speak your mind and I'm
(36:54):
going to let you have a seat atthe table.
That is the boardroom of mylife, but I capital S self,
intuitive self, higher self.
I'm just going to slide intothe seat of CEO.
I'm going to try to redirectthis a little bit, because I
really want to feel better thanthis Right, and so how different
(37:24):
would my experience in recoveryhave been if someone gave me
language like that?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
My perfectionism was my safety.
It was my protection.
Of course it was If I lookedgood and I could lift weights
and I got straight A's.
It had to be fine.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
Exactly Right.
So every one of the steps canbe repurposed in that way, and
the idea is not to piss peopleoff, although it will and it has
, and I don't care.
The idea is to cast the widestnet on who I can help.
Well said, the idea is to castthe widest net on who I can help
(38:03):
.
Well said, you know.
And so, in the spirit of, Iwish you weren't so far away,
right?
I recently met a guy who has 13years sober, who is part owner
in an outpatient facility inTexas, and he said you got to
come and talk to our clients.
(38:24):
They're heavily movement-based,they're really progressive.
They do a lot of IFS work,right, internal Family Systems
work, which is an amazingtherapeutic modality which, by
the way, was so much of what washappening in that period of
darkness where I did the stepsin this new way.
It was actually a verytherapeutic approach that we
(38:45):
were using.
I just didn't know it at thetime, and so I'm thinking, wow,
what an amazing opportunity.
I can go and I can use the factthat I'm a PT and take these
clients through a workout that'sprofessionally guided and
backed by science out, that'sprofessionally guided and backed
(39:08):
by science, I can stretch themand take them through a
meditation, and then I can havea heart-centered talk to them,
give them a copy of my book,give them a fresh way to look at
the steps.
But the last time I had been inTexas was when my sister died.
The two places that I was inwas Austin, and we also had
visited San Antonio, my husbandand I in that trip and so their
(39:31):
treatment facility was in SanAntonio and I thought, well, I
can't think of a better reasonto go back.
Talk about PTSD and rewritingour story and creating new
neural networks, about how mybrain associates the word Texas
inside.
You better believe I'm going togo back so that I don't just
(39:54):
have this horrific, traumaticmemory and I also have a
beautiful one that is afull-blown example of what I've
done with my pain.
Okay, so talk about rewiring.
Right, it was intentional onthat level for me to go, and
here's what's so amazing.
So he's giving me hotels tobook.
(40:16):
You know places to stay thatare pretty close by and I had
booked my flight.
I was so sure I booked my hotel.
My friend goes where are youstaying?
Two days before the trip, Ilook it up, I never booked it.
I'm like fuck.
So now I'm on Expedia likescouring, trying to find, and I
book a hotel that gets goodreviews.
Not one of the checkout.
(40:36):
One woman is busy.
I go up to the other one.
She takes all the information,asks me would I rather be on an
upper level floor or a lowerlevel floor?
I think one other person hasasked me that.
Anytime I've stayed in a hotel Isaid I don't know, upper,
(41:00):
thinking maybe there'll be aview G, gives me a key card,
walks me to the elevator, whichis also kind of rare.
My sister passed away on March13th of 2022 and her name was
Jessica.
This woman gives me the keycard and she says you're on the
13th floor.
(41:20):
My name is Jessica, let me knowif you need anything.
The 13th floor.
My name is Jessica, let me knowif you need anything.
And immediately I'm just shotwith the presence of God, the
presence of intuitively sayingyes to this trip, saying yes to
this hotel, looking everywherefor miracles, and I'm thinking
(41:42):
I'm going to tell this woman.
I'm just going to tell her,even if she thinks I'm crazy, if
I see her again right and laterin the day she was still in the
lobby.
I went up to her and I said canI tell you something spiritual?
And I explained what happenedwith my sister and that this was
the first time back in Texassince then, sister, and that
(42:06):
this was the first time back inTexas since then, the date that
she died, her name and the keycard she just gave me and the
coincidence that her name isalso Jessica and that I just
wanted her to know that I'llnever forget that moment.
And her face dropped and shesaid can I go on a walk with you
(42:29):
for a moment?
So we go down the hall, shetakes me into a corridor where
the stairwell is to the hotel sowe could be alone, and she
starts crying and she says Ican't stop drinking and I think
God sent you here and I don'tknow how to stop and I don't
know what to do.
And I give her a hug and I tellher there is hope and she's
(42:54):
going to have to fight like helland that I'm going to go
upstairs and get a copy of mybook and I'm going to give her
my contact information.
And that's what I did.
And that happened before I evenwent to the outpatient facility
no-transcript.
(43:47):
And I would have never had thatmoment if I wasn't brave enough
to go back to the very placewhere the hardest thing in my
life happened.
And now I don't just have thememory of helping the clients in
the clinic, I have that memory.
I took a photo of the message Iwrote to that woman.
(44:08):
We took a picture together.
I'll remember that on mydeathbed.
That's fucking powerful.
That's the power we get backwhen we're willing to heal.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Well said Well, sam.
Regrettably I have to go seepatients, but I have to say I
already put your book in myAudible queue and I'm going to
buy a copy of your book for myCrossFit trainer.
And I actually just bought alittle free library to put in my
office for recovery books andI'm going to put a copy of your
book in a little free library.
That'll be our first book.
Speaker 2 (44:44):
Oh, to put in my office for recovery books, and
I'm going to put a copy of yourbook in a little free library.
That'll be our first book.
Oh my God, that means so muchto me, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Anything you want to leave us with as we talk about
the life of someone who's beenexceptionally successful, has
fallen down a few times and isnow as strong as ever.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
I got my first tattoo at 37 years old.
I have more than one now, butit says vulnerability is your
superpower, and so I'm going toleave people with that to sit on
and please, please, please,reach out to me.
I am a person who responds tomy DMs.
(45:22):
I do not have a bot or someoneelse managing my social media,
so please contact me at DrSamantha Hart Book a free
discovery call.
Connect with me.
If something I said is piercing, it's for a reason.
I'm here to wake you up andlight your soul on fire, and I
(45:42):
don't want you to ignore thecall.
Speaker 1 (45:48):
With that, I thank you so much for what you do and
for sharing your story with me,and many of my patients listen
to my podcast and I will havesome of my patients listen to
this episode and I appreciateyou for what you do.
Speaker 2 (45:58):
I appreciate you too.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you too, thank youso much Before we wrap up.
Speaker 1 (46:08):
A huge thank you to the Montage Health Foundation
for backing my mission to createfun, engaging education on
addiction, and a shout out tothe nonprofit Central Coast
Overdose Prevention for teamingup with me on this podcast.
Our partnership helps me getthe word out about how to treat
addiction and prevent overdosesTo those healthcare providers
out there treating patients withaddiction.
(46:29):
You're doing life-saving workand thank you for what you do
For everyone else tuning in.
Thank you for taking the timeto learn about addiction.
It's a fight we cannot winwithout awareness and action.
There's still so much we can doto improve how addiction is
treated.
Together we can make it happen.
Thanks for listening andremember treating addiction
(46:50):
saves lives.
Bye.
Welcome to the Addiction Medicine Made Easy
Podcast.
Hey there, I'm Dr Casey Grover,an addiction medicine doctor
based on California's CentralCoast.
(00:22):
For 14 years I worked in theemergency department seeing
countless patients strugglingwith addiction.
Now I'm on the other side ofthe fight, helping people
rebuild their lives when drugsand alcohol take control.
Thanks for tuning in.
Let's get started.
This is a really special episodefor me.
Today I will be talking with DrSamantha Hart, who is a
physical therapist, and for me,today I will be talking with Dr
(00:44):
Samantha Hart, who is a physicaltherapist and recovery coach in
Southern California.
She is the author of the bookBreaking the Circuit, and today
we're going to be talking aboutwhat it's like being a very
highly functional person withaddiction and how to heal when
everything looks good on theoutside but actually isn't good
(01:05):
on the inside.
And I really, as you will hearduring this episode, can relate
to this.
Sam was in active addiction asshe was completing a doctoral
degree in physical therapy, andI can relate because I was
suffering from major depression,self-harm and an eating
disorder when I was graduatingfrom UCLA with straight A's and
(01:25):
getting into medical school.
For the person who is highlyfunctioning, who is struggling,
it becomes easy to say nothingis wrong because everything
looks good on the outside.
Control and perfectionismbecome addictive, as it's how to
believe that you are successfulwithout actually having to face
being vulnerable.
(01:45):
This was a fantastic episode torecord, and I am really grateful
to have met Dr Hart.
As you listen to her speak, youcan tell how intelligent she is
, and yet she's had some realstruggles.
This episode is a greatreminder that addiction can
happen to anyone, even if theirlife looks good on the outside.
One quick warning this episodedoes contain some salty language
(02:07):
.
And with that here we go.
Well, good morning, sam.
It is so nice to meet you.
I'm so looking forward tohearing your story today.
Let's start by just telling uswho you are and what you do.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Thank you for having me.
I am many, many things.
I'm a doctor of physicaltherapy and personal development
coach, and today I can safelysay that I help people heal and
consciously create a body andlife that they love.
(02:44):
If you had asked me thatquestion even two years ago, I
would just be Dr Hart which isnot small, it's not nothing and
I would tell you that I helppeople correct faulty movement
(03:10):
patterns and prevent injury.
And so what's changed?
What's changed?
What's changed?
And I would say that when I gotout of grad school and I saw
the landscape of the healthcareclimate, I was newly sober and I
(03:35):
thought this is it, this iswhat I got into, all this debt
for you want me to see four orfive patients at a time and at
best, before insurancedischarges them, give them a set
of straight leg raises to dowhen they get home.
Is this a joke?
(03:57):
And so I remember one of theexciting things about becoming a
PT was that I could have my ownbusiness one day.
So it was always in the back ofmy mind, but I didn't want to
start my career that way.
I needed to get my clinicalfeet underneath me, so to speak.
So I worked for a woman whotruly only saw one patient at a
(04:19):
time, and I did that veryintentionally so I could become
a good practitioner.
And I did that veryintentionally so I could become
(04:50):
a good practitioner.
And then within three years, Iwas% better.
And so I started to ask themand their answer was oh, I go to
a trainer.
I bought a package of Pilatessessions and all of a sudden I'm
thinking, wait a minute, thesepeople who are so much less
qualified are getting threetimes as much money to do the
(05:14):
thing that I would love to bedoing with these patients.
I should offer it.
So I did, and that's how mybusiness was born and I ran a
cash-based PT clinic in SantaMonica for 10 years and the
thing is on a parallel track.
(05:37):
I was in sobriety and we'll getinto that.
You know one of thosehigh-functioning addicts who, on
the evening of getting acceptedinto a doctoral program,
overdosed on cocaine, verybegrudgingly entered the rooms
(05:57):
of AA and didn't go back for ayear and a half until I
begrudgingly went back becausethe guy I was dating caught me
with this prescription pillbottle that was not prescribed
to me, that I was totallyabusing, and I felt like, uh-oh,
he was probably going to leaveme if I didn't get sober, but
not because I really wanted todo any of the work that the
(06:19):
steps were suggesting I ought todo, because that work
threatened my entire identity.
That work meant that thishigh-achieving perfectionist who
was able to control, curate theworld around her, was going to
have to relinquish control overpeople, places, things and
(06:42):
situations.
And I didn't see a reason to dothat at all.
I just knew I had to stop usingcocaine.
And so, as I'm trudging throughsobriety very reluctantly and
having to do the work Now, I didthe work for a long time
(07:04):
without a power greater thanmyself.
My husband, the guy who foundthe pill bottle, who was my
boyfriend, who became my fiance,who became my husband.
He was my higher power.
I didn't know that until hepulled away from me, but he was.
His love for me was what keptme safe and whole in the world,
(07:25):
and until he pulled that away, Ididn't understand how much I
was relying on it.
So I did the steps the best Icould.
I worked through my fourth step.
I unpacked my anger.
I had made amends to him and toa lot of people I had hurt, and
I'm starting to gather someevidence that these patients in
(07:46):
the clinic, who are not addicts,seem to also be suffering from
a spiritual malady.
What do I mean?
Well, I'd have the wife who hadseen every in-network
practitioner for plantarfasciitis and nobody could fix
(08:06):
it.
And finally I'm going.
Well, you have a hip issue.
Nobody's looked at your hip andbecause you have no stability
there, you're dropping intoexcessive pronation and your
plantar fascia is getting yankedover and over again.
So here's what we're going todo about it.
(08:29):
I create this amazing programand then she comes in the next
day and says I'm so sorry, Ididn't get a chance to do it.
Oh, what happened?
Well, my husband was supposedto do this and that and the
other, and then he didn't, andso I obviously had to get it
(08:49):
done.
And by the time I did all thethings, I was exhausted, and in
order for me to have any time tomyself at all, I stayed up late
and blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
Or you know, I know you said Ishould be using at least five
pound weights to really buildstrength, but I just, every time
(09:14):
I do that, it makes me feelbulky and I feel I feel big, and
I just I don't, I don't want todo that, I don't, I don that.
And so these people aresuffering from hypervigilance,
taking on the invisible mentalload in their household, chronic
people-pleasing, perfectionism,obsession with the beauty and
(09:37):
body standard, and all of it isgetting in the way of their
plantar fasciitis getting better, and so it was like an itch
that I couldn't scratch, youknow, and when you ask me, who
am I?
The second part of what I saidis that I'm a personal
(09:57):
development coach.
I could also say I'm a lifecoach.
I could also say I'm a mindsetcoach.
I could also say I'm anexecutive coach.
I could also say I'm a soberlife coach.
Kind of depends on who I'mspeaking to, of course.
But why is that part of mydescription today?
Because on March the 13th of2022, I lost my big sister,
(10:18):
jessica, to a drug overdose andin that moment, I decided I was
going to write a book and thebook was going to be about the
spiritual side of wellness andthat I was going to put that at
the epicenter of what I do inthe world, whether it's talking
on a podcast, speaking on astage or treating a patient in
(10:39):
the clinic.
So today, I don't just treatthe body, I treat the body and
the spirit, because I don'tbelieve we should separate the
two.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
I just want to pause and acknowledge the loss of your
family member.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
If I can reflect back what I heard from you, as you
shared who you are and what youdo, I heard two things.
One is that you wanted to seepeople for all of them, not just
one aspect.
I mean, that's always been myfrustration.
(11:21):
I was an ER doc before I was anaddiction doctor and people
come in and it's been like 45years of poor nutrition, no
access to exercise, familydidn't prioritize education and
now we need three back surgeriesand we're dependent on pain
meds.
I was like man, this didn'tstart this week and I can't do
much in the ER.
So I 100% relate to yoursentiment of I actually want to
(11:41):
help all of the person and ittakes attention to more than
just what they tell you is wrong.
And then I also hear you sayingthat about yourself is you want
to work on all of Sam to be thebest Sam you can be.
Do I have that right?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
You sure do.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Tell me about your book.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
So I was in the Austin airport when I found out
she died, with my husband, and Ireally don't remember anything
at all about that day, otherthan wailing on the floor of the
airport.
But my husband said that on theflight back I turned to him and
(12:25):
said I'm writing a fucking book.
So apparently I knew that day.
Now, I think what I knew inthat moment was this was a story
among a sea of stories, itbeing the most painful and
dramatic.
That finally gave me permissionto say I am not recovering in
(12:48):
silence anymore.
I am sharing my story becauseour secrets are keeping us sick
and there are people in and outof the rooms of recovery,
addicted to substance and otherthings, that are suffering in
silence, and I will be thelighthouse.
(13:10):
And so the book started as thestories of my life.
You know, when I sat down, Itook a note from James Clear in
Atomic Habits, who said we don'trise to the level of our goals,
we fall to the level of oursystems, and I thought what is a
system I can put into placethat would actually hold me
(13:31):
accountable to writing this book, which is a huge goal, a goal
that so many people have by theway for their lives.
And I thought I'm going towrite for 30 minutes a day for
30 days.
I'm going to start with that.
No pressure, this does not haveto go in order, I do not have
(13:51):
to start at chapter one, I donot have to know the structure.
I'm just going to pick a storyand write, and so I'm writing,
and I'm writing, and I'm writing, and eventually I work with
someone who's a published authorand I create a book proposal
and then I start submitting andsubmitting, and submitting, and
eventually I work with thishybrid publishing company, and a
(14:12):
hybrid publisher, if you pick agood one, gives you all the
process for a certain feemonthly, which I was okay doing
in exchange for a much higherroyalty split.
And as I got my team assembled,the question became what is
(14:35):
this book for?
Well, it's to help as manypeople as possible.
Great, then, what helped you?
Helped you when I worked the 12steps in my marital crisis in a
more modern and trauma-informedway.
My healing actually began.
That's what this book is goingto be.
(14:57):
This book is going to be amodern reinvention of the 12
steps of recovery.
So I didn't know when I startedthat the memoir was not just a
movement, but it is.
I am trying to become known nowas the girl who 12-stepped the
(15:18):
world.
We talk about it in the roomsall the time.
Man, this is like the best keptsecret.
The whole goddamn world needsthese steps.
Well, who's bringing them tothe world then?
If we're all anonymous, who'sgoing to be the cycle breaker?
Who's going to be the one thathas the courage to say you know?
(15:43):
Much like yoga, these principlesare beautiful.
They're sacred.
There's something ancient aboutthem that many people believe
we shouldn't touch.
But it's also 2025.
And we know a lot more nowabout addiction, childhood
trauma and psychology.
(16:04):
We know a lot more now aboutaddiction, childhood trauma and
psychology.
So how can we take thisbeautiful set of principles if
it's an accordion that'ssquished together, best kept
secret and widen and open it upand bust through the framework
so that anyone can have accessto a spiritual blueprint for how
to get through life's hardestthings.
(16:24):
Anyone can have access to aspiritual blueprint for how to
get through life's hardestthings.
So my book is called Breakingthe Circuit how to Rewire your
Mind for Hope, resilience andJoy in the Face of Trauma.
I purposely did not put the 12steps on the title.
I didn't want to scare peopleaway.
I wanted them to crack it openand give it a whirl right.
(16:47):
And for me you know, speakingabout high achievers and how, in
some ways, how much moredifficult it is to really
concede to your innermost selfthat you need help and that you
actually are an addict.
(17:08):
When I think about who I waswhen I got into the 12-step
rooms, I was just a woman whocame into, came into a childhood
that was wildly volatile, witha mentally unstable mom who was
(17:31):
popping prescription pills, anemotionally absent father and a
very, very angry sister who wasacting out sexually and with
drugs, and control was my drugof choice.
So if I could make my bodyperfect and my grades perfect
watch out world, here I come.
(17:52):
Then everything was okay, andso I was hardwired as a type A
perfectionist genetically, butthen it was so unbelievably
reinforced by the unstableenvironment and those set of
skills really worked for me.
Culturally, you get rewarded forbeing perfect.
(18:16):
How did you get that job?
Wow, you're summa cum laude.
How are you so fit, crowd?
How are you so fit?
Just patting, patting on theback again and again, and so,
all of a sudden, aa's going hey,by the way, even though your
(18:37):
mom told you that there's nosuch thing as God and the
greatest thing about you is yourintellect, and the only person
you can count on is yourself.
You're going to have to getdown with God.
So you're going to have to cometo believe that some power in
the sky, some dude with a whitebeard, is going to wave a wand
and strike you sane becauseyou're acting fucking crazy.
To that step I said fuck you.
(19:00):
Show me, I'm crazy, show me,I'm about to be a doctor.
For God's sakes, I'm living inManhattan in my 20s and I'm
surviving.
I have a job.
I have a boyfriend.
What about me exactly is crazy.
I just have a cocaine problem.
I didn't understand that thesteps were butting up against
(19:25):
childhood beliefs that kept mesafe in a very traumatic home,
and nobody said that to me.
It was just get down with Godor good luck to you.
So when my marriage was fallingapart and this man's love for
me that was my higher power wastaken away, I was truly insane.
(19:53):
In recovery, I was filled withrage, I was filled with anxiety.
I was so sure that something Icould say or do was going to
change this man's mind and makehim love and forgive me again,
because I had been able to do itevery other time in my life and
it didn't work.
(20:13):
And so what started as I'm goingto sleep on a friend's couch
because we're fighting so muchand I had enough sobriety to go
this isn't healthy turned into amonth in a sponsor's apartment,
turned into three months onanother friend's air mattress,
until finally a sober friendsaid you can't live like this.
If you don't want to leave yourmarriage, you need to find a
(20:35):
place that's yours, you need tosign a lease and you need to
heal.
The idea of doing that meant,in my mind at the time, failure,
complete failure meant, in mymind at the time, failure,
(20:56):
complete failure, perfectionismCollapsing Before my very eyes.
But I didn't know what choice Ihad, because I couldn't live in
that house under thosecircumstances, with the fighting
.
I didn't want to get down withGod and I didn't want to relapse
, because my first sponsor whosaved my life, who had 22 years
sober from heroin addiction, herelapsed at the end of my first
year and he killed himself and Iknew if I relapsed I was going
(21:20):
to die.
So I sign a lease and I go intothis empty apartment that
needed to be furnished and I'msobbing so, absolutely depressed
.
That was rock bottom.
That was spiritual rock bottom,a place where I didn't want to
die but I could no longer go onliving with the coping patterns
(21:47):
I had been using and in walks, awoman who has worked the steps
many times in many programs, whosays what if we do the steps on
your marriage?
What do you mean?
Well, I'm not saying you can'tcall the drug dealer and that
(22:10):
it's not a possibility, but Idon't think you're about to do
that.
I think you know you'repowerless over that.
What you don't really know isyour powerlessness over this man
, the situation, the history ofyou cheating on him before you
got married and the way it'splaguing the marriage today.
(22:32):
What if you were powerless overhim Whether he is cheating on
you, because it seems like it,but you don't have no evidence
and he's denying it over thefuture of the relationship, and
that when you try to exert powerover this man and every other
person, place, thing andsituation of the relationship,
and that when you try to exertpower over this man and every
other person, place, thing andsituation, by the way, your life
(22:52):
becomes unmanageable in thefollowing way.
Well, that's pretty easy to seeYou're full of rage, you're
depressed, you're anxious, youhave no sense of self-worth and
you're only okay if he loves you.
So if all of that is true, thenwhat do you have power over?
(23:16):
By the way, I find itfascinating that Mel Robbins'
new book called the Let themTheory, has caught fire
culturally.
Because what is the let themtheory?
It is step one, modernized.
That's what it is.
Let them let your child be upsetthat you took away their screen
time.
(23:36):
You're powerless over theirupsetness.
Let them let them be who theyare.
Let them feel how they want tofeel.
Let them be who they are.
Let them feel how they want tofeel.
Let them think what they wantto think and let me do what I
can do.
I'm powerless over him, him,him.
I'm not powerless over me.
(23:59):
So that's the work we startedto do, and we repurposed the
steps in this way around themarital crisis and the
breakthrough that literally notjust changed my life, but saved.
It was the ninth step, becausehere I am, I'm five years sober
and I'm thinking oh God, amends,you know how many times do I
(24:22):
have to apologize to this manfor all the cheating.
I did seven years ago when Iwas in active addiction, and she
looked at me and she said haveyou ever made an amends to
yourself?
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Nope.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Hadn't even occurred to me.
No one had ever suggested it.
Why does that matter?
Why did that change my life?
Well, let's be really clear.
It was not a white lightexperience where I stood in
front of a mirror and said Ilove and forgive you, sam, and I
(25:06):
was fucking healed.
Okay, because this is thedifference between the land of
positive affirmation andspiritual bypass and doing the
work.
Once this woman gave mepermission, which, at that time
in my life, I needed someone togive me, because it wasn't even
in the realm of possibility, asa professional self lacerator,
(25:31):
that I could let myself off thehook.
Plus, my identity was sowrapped around beating myself up
, which gave me the edge that Ihad that.
Who would I be without it?
I needed this woman to openthat door for me so that I could
consider whether or not I couldbe a woman who, despite
(25:54):
cheating on herthen-boyfriend-now-husband, is
worthy of love and forgiveness.
Because if that was true, whatdid that mean?
Well, that meant that in thedays and weeks that followed,
every single time, which wasconstant, my critical voice
showed up and said this is whatyou fucking get for what you did
(26:17):
, sam.
You get a shitty marriage, andI guess you'll just have to wait
and see.
If your husband forgives you orif you're dissatisfied at some
point, maybe you'll leave.
But I can't imagine that,because then I'd be nothing and
no one.
If that way of speaking tomyself is reflective of a person
who doesn't love and Shit, nowI have to think about that.
(26:41):
Now I have to think aboutshifting my critical self-talk
to a compassionate self-talk.
You know what, sam?
Those things did happen and itreally sucks, and your husband's
(27:06):
definitely still angry about it.
But those behaviors are not whoyou are.
They are separate from youridentity.
And even though you did thosethings and he's not over it you
actually deserve a big,beautiful life and a happy
(27:27):
marriage.
I had to practice coming up withwhat sounded real and true to
me, not something I read off theinternet.
And once I came up with whatthat was, I'd had to double down
on saying it and interruptingthe feedback loop of
(27:48):
self-criticism that was sounbelievably reinforced for
decades.
And so, as I did that work and,by the way, I was depressed
every day in that apartment, Imean I woke up and it literally
felt like a gray cloud was overmy head, following me everywhere
.
But I didn't want to die.
(28:08):
I just didn't know how to livedifferently.
And this was the beginning oflearning how to live differently
.
And in that six to eight monthperiod, the miracle, after doing
the amends on myself, was thatI could hear the whisper of my
intuition.
She told me what my favoritecolor was.
(28:29):
I didn't know, so I decoratedmy whole apartment with splashes
of teal.
It made me feel good in areally dark time.
She also said, because I wasworking for someone else at the
time, I hadn't started strongHeart Fitness yet.
You know, sam, I think you'd bereally good as a business owner
(28:56):
and I think you could make a lotmore money than what you're
doing and help people way morethan the way you're helping them
.
She just started nudging me,she started speaking to me and
she sounded so different than mycritical voice that's how I
knew.
She was clear, calm, curiousand compassionate every time,
(29:20):
versus the critical voice, whichwas just cerebral.
Just cerebral, obsessive, mean,constrictive, gave me anxiety.
There's a physiologicpresentation of a critical part
versus a compassionate part, andthe compassionate part always
seemed to rise up, and I lovethat.
(29:42):
There's some research beingdone right now about, you know,
our gut being like a secondbrain, you bet, and I really
feel like my intuitive downloadscome from there, and since
there's trillions of bacteriainside of there, I don't think
(30:04):
that's outside of the realm ofpossibility inside of there.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
I don't think that's outside of the realm of
possibility, and the beginningof that relationship was the
beginning of my life starting,and every good thing that has
happened to me since, includingthe feeling of I'm writing a
fucking book, has been adeclaration from my intuition,
which I now call God.
You know, it's interesting.
You just shared so much aboutyour life and it reminds me
quite a bit of mine.
So I went through college, atUCLA, with an eating disorder.
People always ask me what myaddiction was.
(30:49):
It was binge eating on food andI engaged in self-harm and too
many relationships to count thatwere horribly unhealthy.
And yet I got straight A plusesone year at UCLA.
I didn't know they gave Apluses, but I literally got 10 A
pluses my sophomore year atUCLA and I went off to medical
school and same thing at UCLA.
And I went off to medicalschool, and same thing self-harm
, eating disorder, perfection, Iagree with you, was my drug,
(31:18):
and I just want to reflect backone successful person talking to
another successful person, thatI'm grateful that you and I
have the social capital to bevulnerable with our own stories
on behalf of those who can't,because when I listen to you
writing your book, sam has beenthrough a lot and by Sam.
Having been through a lot andhaving emerged on the other side
, sam can empower those whohaven't emerged yet, and that's
(31:41):
how I share my own lifeprofessionally.
I got diagnosed withpost-traumatic stress disorder
from my time in the ER and Iknow there are thousands of
healthcare workers nationallywho feel that way but don't have
a voice.
So I am willing, as are you, toshare my own dark secrets
because it can help others.
So I would love to read yourbook.
I love the idea of taking atrauma-informed approach to our
(32:04):
deepest struggles, because as Iheard you speak, I heard adverse
childhood experiences Yep, andwe know how that affects us and
looping together what you do andwhat I do.
I incorporate fitness into myaddiction treatment program.
We're running a Spartan racewith some of my patients this
weekend and I incorporate traumaand a trauma-informed approach
(32:25):
to everything I do.
I actually have my personalCrossFit trainer and I send my
traumatized patients to herbecause she has such an
unbelievable understanding oftrauma and how it affects the
human body.
So I got to say I love what youdo and if only you were not in
Thousand Oaks but Monterey, wecould refer patients back and
forth.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Well, I think we still can.
You know, a lot of people thatI coach are virtual and when the
pandemic showed up and I stillhad my clinic, the beauty of the
model I had set up at the time,which was that I was so
movement-based, could transferon the computer right.
So I was training people.
So I have people on the EastCoast that I'm doing physical
(33:07):
fitness with over the computer,coupled with spiritual work, and
they get all kinds of homeworkassignments.
I mean, it's there's nothinglike being in person, of course,
and the level of care you canprovide and connection you can
make.
But oh, it's, it's possible,and there's so much crossover
that I think it would be crazyfor us not to have each other
(33:30):
top of mind for potentialreferrals.
And, by the way, something thatI've been doing, I have a
really cool story I don't knowif we have time for it that I
could share with you.
That takes us to current day.
Speaker 1 (33:44):
Let me just ask one question and then, yes, let's
hear it.
I came into medicine with noidea about life, trauma and PTSD
and if two years ago you'dasked me about PTSD I would have
been like, yeah, whatever.
Having been diagnosed with ithas really changed my
(34:05):
understanding of how profound itis, and one of my patients was
suicidal last week and I wassuper triggered and my staff in
the office yesterday was great.
They totally knew something wasoff.
They checked in on me and, yeah, trauma is so profound
physically, emotionally,spiritually.
I have so many of my patientsthat are my age I'm 41, that
(34:28):
live with chronic pain.
I'm like we're missingsomething here and the trauma is
so profound.
So, as you go into your story,I'd love to just hear a little
bit about how you aretrauma-informed in your work.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
Yeah, here's a really great example.
I like bringing up step twobecause I talked about it
already in this podcast, right?
So traditional step two sayscame to believe that a power
greater than myself couldrestore me to sanity.
And I already talked about allof my objections, and I think,
(35:02):
for the high achiever, the highfunctioning addict, especially
if they're atheist or agnostic,same objections Please show me
where I'm acting crazy, please.
So then, what's atrauma-informed reinterpretation
of that step that can actuallyland safely in someone's nervous
system?
Can I come to believe, when I'mstuck in a perfectionistic loop
(35:29):
and I just want to control theoutcome so badly, can I come to
believe that a different part ofmyself, a more loving,
surrendered, compassionate,curious, open-minded part of me,
can restore me to a feeling ofsafety?
(35:51):
Can I do that?
How different is that?
Because if we're looking at ourperfectionist part as just a
part of us, it's not all of us,it's a strong part, really
(36:12):
reinforced part, culturallyrewarded part.
But if we look at it and we go,huh hey, perfect voice, I see
that you're really showing upright now.
You really, really, really wantto control things.
I'd love for you to tell mewhat you're afraid of and I'd
(36:34):
love to just remind you thatyou've been working so hard
trying to make me feel safe, andI get it and I thank you so
much for your service.
But right now you're actuallyreally affecting my peace of
mind, and so I'm going to letyou speak your mind and I'm
(36:54):
going to let you have a seat atthe table.
That is the boardroom of mylife, but I capital S self,
intuitive self, higher self.
I'm just going to slide intothe seat of CEO.
I'm going to try to redirectthis a little bit, because I
really want to feel better thanthis Right, and so how different
(37:24):
would my experience in recoveryhave been if someone gave me
language like that?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
My perfectionism was my safety.
It was my protection.
Of course it was If I lookedgood and I could lift weights
and I got straight A's.
It had to be fine.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
Exactly Right.
So every one of the steps canbe repurposed in that way, and
the idea is not to piss peopleoff, although it will and it has
, and I don't care.
The idea is to cast the widestnet on who I can help.
Well said, the idea is to castthe widest net on who I can help
(38:03):
.
Well said, you know.
And so, in the spirit of, Iwish you weren't so far away,
right?
I recently met a guy who has 13years sober, who is part owner
in an outpatient facility inTexas, and he said you got to
come and talk to our clients.
(38:24):
They're heavily movement-based,they're really progressive.
They do a lot of IFS work,right, internal Family Systems
work, which is an amazingtherapeutic modality which, by
the way, was so much of what washappening in that period of
darkness where I did the stepsin this new way.
It was actually a verytherapeutic approach that we
(38:45):
were using.
I just didn't know it at thetime, and so I'm thinking, wow,
what an amazing opportunity.
I can go and I can use the factthat I'm a PT and take these
clients through a workout that'sprofessionally guided and
backed by science out, that'sprofessionally guided and backed
(39:08):
by science, I can stretch themand take them through a
meditation, and then I can havea heart-centered talk to them,
give them a copy of my book,give them a fresh way to look at
the steps.
But the last time I had been inTexas was when my sister died.
The two places that I was inwas Austin, and we also had
visited San Antonio, my husbandand I in that trip and so their
(39:31):
treatment facility was in SanAntonio and I thought, well, I
can't think of a better reasonto go back.
Talk about PTSD and rewritingour story and creating new
neural networks, about how mybrain associates the word Texas
inside.
You better believe I'm going togo back so that I don't just
(39:54):
have this horrific, traumaticmemory and I also have a
beautiful one that is afull-blown example of what I've
done with my pain.
Okay, so talk about rewiring.
Right, it was intentional onthat level for me to go, and
here's what's so amazing.
So he's giving me hotels tobook.
(40:16):
You know places to stay thatare pretty close by and I had
booked my flight.
I was so sure I booked my hotel.
My friend goes where are youstaying?
Two days before the trip, Ilook it up, I never booked it.
I'm like fuck.
So now I'm on Expedia likescouring, trying to find, and I
book a hotel that gets goodreviews.
Not one of the checkout.
(40:36):
One woman is busy.
I go up to the other one.
She takes all the information,asks me would I rather be on an
upper level floor or a lowerlevel floor?
I think one other person hasasked me that.
Anytime I've stayed in a hotel Isaid I don't know, upper,
(41:00):
thinking maybe there'll be aview G, gives me a key card,
walks me to the elevator, whichis also kind of rare.
My sister passed away on March13th of 2022 and her name was
Jessica.
This woman gives me the keycard and she says you're on the
13th floor.
(41:20):
My name is Jessica, let me knowif you need anything.
The 13th floor.
My name is Jessica, let me knowif you need anything.
And immediately I'm just shotwith the presence of God, the
presence of intuitively sayingyes to this trip, saying yes to
this hotel, looking everywherefor miracles, and I'm thinking
(41:42):
I'm going to tell this woman.
I'm just going to tell her,even if she thinks I'm crazy, if
I see her again right and laterin the day she was still in the
lobby.
I went up to her and I said canI tell you something spiritual?
And I explained what happenedwith my sister and that this was
the first time back in Texassince then, sister, and that
(42:06):
this was the first time back inTexas since then, the date that
she died, her name and the keycard she just gave me and the
coincidence that her name isalso Jessica and that I just
wanted her to know that I'llnever forget that moment.
And her face dropped and shesaid can I go on a walk with you
(42:29):
for a moment?
So we go down the hall, shetakes me into a corridor where
the stairwell is to the hotel sowe could be alone, and she
starts crying and she says Ican't stop drinking and I think
God sent you here and I don'tknow how to stop and I don't
know what to do.
And I give her a hug and I tellher there is hope and she's
(42:54):
going to have to fight like helland that I'm going to go
upstairs and get a copy of mybook and I'm going to give her
my contact information.
And that's what I did.
And that happened before I evenwent to the outpatient facility
no-transcript.
(43:47):
And I would have never had thatmoment if I wasn't brave enough
to go back to the very placewhere the hardest thing in my
life happened.
And now I don't just have thememory of helping the clients in
the clinic, I have that memory.
I took a photo of the message Iwrote to that woman.
(44:08):
We took a picture together.
I'll remember that on mydeathbed.
That's fucking powerful.
That's the power we get backwhen we're willing to heal.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Well said Well, sam.
Regrettably I have to go seepatients, but I have to say I
already put your book in myAudible queue and I'm going to
buy a copy of your book for myCrossFit trainer.
And I actually just bought alittle free library to put in my
office for recovery books andI'm going to put a copy of your
book in a little free library.
That'll be our first book.
Speaker 2 (44:44):
Oh, to put in my office for recovery books, and
I'm going to put a copy of yourbook in a little free library.
That'll be our first book.
Oh my God, that means so muchto me, thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Anything you want to leave us with as we talk about
the life of someone who's beenexceptionally successful, has
fallen down a few times and isnow as strong as ever.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
I got my first tattoo at 37 years old.
I have more than one now, butit says vulnerability is your
superpower, and so I'm going toleave people with that to sit on
and please, please, please,reach out to me.
I am a person who responds tomy DMs.
(45:22):
I do not have a bot or someoneelse managing my social media,
so please contact me at DrSamantha Hart Book a free
discovery call.
Connect with me.
If something I said is piercing, it's for a reason.
I'm here to wake you up andlight your soul on fire, and I
(45:42):
don't want you to ignore thecall.
Speaker 1 (45:48):
With that, I thank you so much for what you do and
for sharing your story with me,and many of my patients listen
to my podcast and I will havesome of my patients listen to
this episode and I appreciateyou for what you do.
Speaker 2 (45:58):
I appreciate you too.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you too, thank youso much Before we wrap up.
Speaker 1 (46:08):
A huge thank you to the Montage Health Foundation
for backing my mission to createfun, engaging education on
addiction, and a shout out tothe nonprofit Central Coast
Overdose Prevention for teamingup with me on this podcast.
Our partnership helps me getthe word out about how to treat
addiction and prevent overdosesTo those healthcare providers
out there treating patients withaddiction.
(46:29):
You're doing life-saving workand thank you for what you do
For everyone else tuning in.
Thank you for taking the timeto learn about addiction.
It's a fight we cannot winwithout awareness and action.
There's still so much we can doto improve how addiction is
treated.
Together we can make it happen.
Thanks for listening andremember treating addiction
(46:50):
saves lives.
Bye.
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