S3 E19: CRABS!!!!!!!!!

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Ever wondered how a simple car ride or a shower can turn into a hilarious adventure? Join us as we recount our latest escapades, starting with the DMCA's unexpected impact on streaming and segueing into some laugh-out-loud moments involving awkward body positions. We'll also share a story that's both cringe-worthy and comical about measuring our manhood with paramicrometers. And just when you think it can't get any more bizarre, we'll tell you about our surprising encounter with furries at a local flea market.

Our recent D&D session was nothing short of chaotic brilliance. Picture this: a character's unexpected pregnancy results in a party wipe, thanks to disastrously low dice rolls and a horde of newborn slimes. Add to that some dragon seduction, dragon reproduction, and the hilariously awkward situations that arise in our fantasy campaigns. We reflect on the secrets our characters keep, the wild decisions they make, and how unpredictable these epic adventures can be.

Finally, grab some popcorn for our breakdown of the absurd plot of a low-budget movie about mutant horseshoe crabs. From a dream involving ball bearings and a swan-worshiping cult to a climactic battle between a giant shark mech and a colossal crab, this movie review is nothing short of a rollercoaster. We also sprinkle in some of our personal stories, like near-arrest experiences and a kayaking trip that took a turn for the worse. This episode is packed with laughs, bizarre anecdotes, and the kind of madness only the ADHD After Dark Podcast can deliver!

Twitter - https://twitter.com/DarkAfterAdhd

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
All right, welcome to the ADHD After Dark Podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
Well, I hear a news today.
It seems my life is going todrop.
I close my eyes, begin to pray.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
It seems I'm trapped in my own world.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
It seems I'm trapped in my own world.
I'm trapped in my own world.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
I'm trapped in my own world.
I can't wait to see what the AIthinks.
You just said I can't wait tosee what the ai thinks you just
said you gotta avoid the nc.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
Uh, whatever it's called strike, I forget what
it's called oh, the video gamevoice actor strikes no, uh, it's
where, like you play music onyour channel, you get that dmca.
That's it.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Oh, let me tell you this much, you are not gonna get
a dmca violation for thatexactly exactly that was my goal
there.

Speaker 3 (01:11):
Oh man, I have no idea what you guys were saying,
but apparently you just gottaget the vibe and just do all
your vowels harder than yourconsonants and you got it.
I think it was just because youknow I pulled a murky.
I made myself a stiff drinkbefore this.
I made myself a black russianoh, there you go.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
I had to.
I made you drink on on mondayyou hated me and then you had to
write an apology letter.
I'm sorry, I'm such a piece ofshit.

Speaker 3 (01:47):
And our dear listeners, if you're curious
about that, you can actuallyprobably still check out the VOD
on twitchtv for slash game boatTV, or you can just wait until
it's out on YouTube, wherethere's some funny edits around
it, cause we like split it intothree different videos All right
guys, I finally got a devicethat we can use to measure our

(02:07):
dick sizes.

Speaker 4 (02:08):
Oh, finally, oh, paramicrometers.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
Yeah, that's about how big mine is 11.7 millimeters
.

Speaker 3 (02:19):
That's about the size of that one dude.
Your fiance was telling usabout that.

Speaker 4 (02:24):
She almost had a thing with oh no, yeah, that guy
, that was pretty terrifying soI found out that if I bend down,
like, like, if I was trying tostretch and I grab my cast, then
my dick, I get what you'resaying.

Speaker 2 (02:40):
I'm like it sucks into you and you're like it's so
uncomfortable, yeah for me it'slike I'm in a long car ride.

Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah, you're saying when, like it sucks into you and
you're like it's souncomfortable.
Yeah, for me it's like I'm in along car ride.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
Yeah, you're in a car ride, and you're, you're in a
car ride and you're at thatweird angle where like you're,
you're, you're like this, butlike it's sucking in and it gets
to that like critical masswhere the head just kind of you
guys your problem is you'retaller than myself yeah, so we
have a lot of posture is more,we have a lot of.
You're taller than myself.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
Yeah, so we have a lot of your posture is more,
you're more sucked in, as, whereI have a lot of room in my
vehicle, I'm kind of more leanback.

Speaker 1 (03:13):
Bro, I drive a fucking Tahoe.
Let's not talk about vehiclesize right now.
I'm too tall for my fuckingTahoe dude.

Speaker 3 (03:18):
I used to be in a Captiva which you know, so got a
bit.

Speaker 1 (03:25):
If I sit straight up in my Tahoe, I have such a huge,
like long upper body torso thatlike my fucking head hits the
ceiling and I'm like, I'm likedisproportionately long, I'm
like my head's hitting theceiling and if I didn't have the
ability to like move my chair,my legs would be like fucking
dangling off the edge like this.
Like we, I can't touch thefloor, but my head can hit the

(03:47):
ceiling.
I don't know how you fix thatproblem, oh, but yeah.
So like you see what what Imean?
It's like there's like a littlepoint like once it passes.
Once it passes that point, it'slike one of them fucking wrist
straps that just curls up, I wasin the shower and I was like
you bent over to get the soap,and then it went.

Speaker 4 (04:08):
No, I was washing my legs.
Yeah, that's what it was.
Oh, my Scrubbing down likescrubbing down by my calves and
my ankles, and I was down.
I was like okay.

Speaker 1 (04:17):
And then you felt it yeah, yeah, imagine that, but
you don't have control over it.
It just kind of happens.
It's super uncomfortable.

Speaker 4 (04:24):
The shower was, you know, wasn't the warmest of time
well, yeah, like now.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
Now to make it uncomfortable, like once it
sucks in now, keep it there forlike 30 minutes without trying
to like make it obvious thatyou're trying to like get it out
.
You know I came up with thewhole strategy of just get a
boner to reverse it.

Speaker 3 (04:46):
Have you ever done that E Several times.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
You're like man, I'm sitting here and I'm just
grabbing my dick and I can't getit to fucking come out.
So then you make the lessawkward decision, to be like I'm
just going to think about titsand try to get a boner.
And then it just goes andyou're like okay, cool.

Speaker 2 (05:05):
Now it's fixed and I'm not grabbing my dick anymore
.
But then you have the otherproblem of now.
How do I get this now?
How do I?

Speaker 3 (05:10):
get this huge boner to go away I mean, at that point
you just start thinking of likekittens or puppies or something
, something innocent all Ipicture is that doesn't work for
me down the highway once it'sup it's not that it's like once

(05:32):
it's up, it's like there's afucking lever that like won't
let the, won't let it go down.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
It's fucking, you're furry, yeah, okay.

Speaker 4 (05:41):
I did see a.
There's like a flea market ishkind of thing set up, uh in like
the downtown of my town theother day and we were going to
breakfast and there was ashitload of furries at this,
like flea market, farm marketkind of thing, and I'm just like
was it all right?

Speaker 1 (06:00):
was it like last weekend?

Speaker 4 (06:07):
Yeah, this past weekend.

Speaker 1 (06:12):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (06:15):
How many of them do you think were going to the con
that me and E went to?
Who knows?

Speaker 3 (06:19):
Probably a fair amount of them.
Let's be honest, that's areally tiny con.

Speaker 1 (06:27):
It was a very small con.
The thing I hated the mostabout it.
E was literally like half ofthe artists.
They were like, hey, I 3dprinted stuff off the internet,
now I'm selling it.

Speaker 3 (06:33):
Yeah, I was like, okay, cool, but now I own a 3d
printer, so now I don't need tobuy any of that it was just one
of those that I thought it wouldjust be kind of an e thing and
I saw some of the programsthey're supposed to be doing and
then, once we actually gotthere, it wasn't like anything
they were promising oh, you'rethe best storyteller out of the

(06:55):
bunch we can.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
You, I'm bad at telling stories, but you
remember the one story from thednd session with the?
Uh, the slimes, oh yes youwanted to enlighten murky on
what happened in this guy's dndcampaign I'm gonna try to
remember to the best of myability.
Coco might have to fill in somegaps yeah, I can fill in some

(07:16):
gaps, but it was.

Speaker 3 (07:19):
It was ever the funniest thing that I ever heard
in my entire life like okay, souh, coco gas shannon, myself
went to what was supposed to bea dm roundtable discussion.
Yeah, you go in.
Uh, originally it was we werelooking to learn about dming

(07:41):
better, like.

Speaker 1 (07:42):
that's what we thought it was.
We were looking to learn aboutDMing better, like that's what
we thought it was going to be.

Speaker 2 (07:45):
That's not what it was supposed to be about.

Speaker 3 (07:48):
Dude never fucking showed up.
The dude never showed up.
So thankfully, there wassomebody who worked with the con
before who was there and he waslike hey, I host a similar
thing.
However, we're going to retoolit to something that I'm a
little more familiar with, so itjust kind of turned into weird
stories that happened duringyour campaigns.

(08:10):
Yeah, they were weird.
Yeah, uh, and this one guy wentup and he was talking about
something that happened toanother player during his
campaign that directly affectedhim and the rest of the party.
Yeah, and the other one ofthose the other character.

Speaker 1 (08:30):
The character was a succubus and they were trying to
if I remember correctly, theywere trying to um seduce like
the merchant or something likethat right.

Speaker 3 (08:41):
Yes, they were trying to get more items, but didn't
get the item and ended uppregnant instead yeah, so he
might suck.
This is being played by a manyeah, so they rolled.

Speaker 1 (08:54):
they rolled bad twice and they're like well, you, you
persuaded him so badly that nowyou're pregnant and you still
didn't get the extra item.
So get fucked, so get fucked.
Yeah, so get fucked.
But E, what happened was, wasthat like the next session or
like the same session where theywere like, well, fucking,

(09:14):
whatever his name was ispregnant.
So fucking, let's just skipahead nine months and figure out
what to do from that.

Speaker 3 (09:20):
Yeah, it was one of those that they tried working
with the succubus being pregnant.
Then they felt kind of awkward,so they're like let's do a
little bit of a time skip andlet's skip to the.

Speaker 1 (09:29):
Let's skip to the birth.
And then they had him roll.
What a d100.
To see what came out what theoutcome was going to be roll a
d100 to see what came out.
He rolled a fucking one or someshit like that.

Speaker 3 (09:43):
A nat 1 and he was two slime cubes.

Speaker 1 (09:46):
I forget what they're called popped out of the
succubus's vagina and thenproceeded to party kill the
entire party.
So the dude got pregnant, gavebirth to slimes that then
slaughtered the party so theyhad to start a whole new
campaign with a whole bunch ofnew also that happened on

(10:07):
session 3 yeah they were likethey just got to the end where
they all beat they almost madeit to the tutorial boss and he
just watched this fucking ladygive birth to slimes and kill
the fucking kill their team.

Speaker 4 (10:29):
I'm going to roll to see what level the slimes are.
Fuck you guys are.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
You guys are.

Speaker 4 (10:38):
Everybody have their extra characters.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
How about a?
Does anybody have that extracampaign?
I didn't spend too much time onthis one, so we can just go to
another one you know, uh, youguys fucking shit the bed on
this.
So we're just gonna nuke thisworld, start over I feel like I
feel like on session three, ifthat happens, I feel like the dm
at some point has to be like itwas all a dream.

(11:03):
Surprise, it didn't actuallyhappen.

Speaker 4 (11:08):
Because so help me, god.
If you do this again, I willfucking kill all of you for
every campaign, forever.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
Yeah, yeah dude, he told that story and I fucking
died dude.

Speaker 3 (11:20):
It was the funniest story that was said.
Yeah, I was half tempted totalk about the first time I ever
DM story, but I was like Idon't think, so I don't think
it's funny.

Speaker 1 (11:30):
I was almost hoping to talk about the dick in my ass
comment, but like that onewasn't, that one wouldn't have
been funny, like with how I tellstories and you had to be there
kind of moment stories, um, andyou had to be there kind of
moment.
It was definitely a you had tobe in the room especially
because somebody just told astory about getting pregnant,
giving birth to slimes andtpk-ing the party.

(11:52):
So I was like, well I, I don'tthink dick in my ass can really
compete with that feel likesomebody kind of won this was
the second story, you knew you,you were out man.
Yeah, I was like yeah, okay, sothat's probably not a good one.

Speaker 4 (12:05):
I had someone fuck a dragon and have 19 dragon babies
.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
Yeah, tempt the DM with seducing the dragon and see
what happens.

Speaker 4 (12:16):
You got to roll for top or bottom.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
You seduced the dragon.
You think you were going toleave.
You're staying.
You're married now.
You ain't Leaving this room.

Speaker 4 (12:25):
Hey, just so you know , the DC is really high for top.

Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (12:32):
I mean you're going to be a boss.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
You're going to be whatever the dragon says you are
, do you think?

Speaker 3 (12:38):
dragons within the D and D universe and I'm sure it's
explained somewhere.
Do you think they have cloacasor do you think they have
reproductive organs?

Speaker 4 (12:45):
Yeah, probably a cloaca okay if they're wide
enough to fly.
It would be like avian, like insome form bird lizard don't
dragons lay eggs yeah, they,they do, I believe.

Speaker 1 (13:06):
As far as I'm aware, they don't give like birth so
you know there's no reason tohave all the other stuff.
Probably probably not good forthe, for the uh, the spermies
getting really warm from thefire from the fire well, what if
it's like an ice dragon orsomething?

Speaker 3 (13:28):
well then, you have the other problem.

Speaker 1 (13:30):
if it's like a flower dragon, I'm going to fucking
show you my flower.

Speaker 3 (13:38):
I know Matt tried explaining dragons to us once
and there's something to do withlike colors or metals or
something.

Speaker 1 (13:42):
Well, let me put it this way If I see a dragon, I'm
either running or trying to fuckit One of the two things that's
happening.
Since I'm a cat, probablyrunning.

Speaker 3 (13:52):
Probably yeah, I mean , you're a rogue too.

Speaker 1 (13:55):
You receive your charisma.
Uh, you're not great.
I haven't opened my charactersheet since the last time we
played.
I have no idea.
I'm not charismatic.

Speaker 3 (14:06):
I thought he was charismatic, well being a bard
he's.

Speaker 1 (14:10):
Luckily I'm deceptive and nobody caught on that.
I killed the dude's child untilI fucking revealed it to Murky,
oh man.
You made me swear not to tellanybody, so I think it was funny
that I think almost everybodyforgot about that.
Like player-wise, I mean, Ikind of shadowed up myself.
I mean, yeah, you got some ownsecrets, but you haven't killed

(14:30):
anybody yet by accident.

Speaker 4 (14:34):
Just wait till one day yeah, my fucking, my guy got
to tackle a wolf and fuckinggive him a quick headbutt well,
I mean player knowledgeeverybody, I couldn't do fucking
shit everybody at the tableabsolutely knew I killed that
kid because that happened duringone of our sessions.

Speaker 1 (14:52):
Murky hasn't had anything that has, you know,
happened yet no, we got throughmy dream without casualty.

Speaker 3 (15:01):
Murky's just Jotaro Kujo over here.

Speaker 1 (15:03):
Yeah, it was funny.
I was tracking everythingbecause I didn't know.
It was a fucking dream, so Iwas tracking all the ball
bearings we were used.
And then Matman's like and thenyou wake up from your dream and
I was like does that mean I getall my ball bearings back?
Yes, yes, that means you getall your ball bearings back,
cause you never use them.

Speaker 4 (15:21):
All right, can we cast hide in this one?
I throw it.
I was a shitty throw.
Yeah, we were like we wereterrible.
We were like like.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Our goal was like could we throw it like here?
And then somebody rolled a oneand it went and fell right at
their feet like they dropped it,so he would throw it and then.
And then the next person rolleda 20 and matty was like yeah,
you threw it way too far thatmother rocket launcher.

Speaker 4 (15:50):
This ballberry kills four birds on its way across
this that that motherfucker wasskipping across the lake.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
It took a fish with it.
It went into the water.

Speaker 3 (16:03):
That's a conscious lady of the water.

Speaker 1 (16:05):
It went into the water, came back up and then
there was A family of swans.
It turned into a hook and had atrail of fish behind it.
When it landed on shore Fed asmall family on the other side
of the lake, and now theyforever worship the light ball.

Speaker 4 (16:23):
How long does I forget what we cast?
How long does it last?

Speaker 1 (16:27):
Long enough for a family to see it and worship
that shit forever.
It's like fucking 10 minutes.

Speaker 4 (16:32):
They just have a single ball bearing waiting for
it to light up again.

Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yeah they're like bring us fish.
Oh, ball of water.

Speaker 3 (16:43):
Basically we just created a cult within Murky's
dream.

Speaker 1 (16:49):
That checks out.
Lubang's gonna have some fuckedup dreams In a different
dimension.

Speaker 4 (16:54):
There's a fishing family that worships a single
ball bearing that once lit upsupposedly, or so they claim,
Supposedly.

Speaker 1 (17:05):
Supposedly Alright.
Now I'm out of stuff to talkabout.
We're 17 minutes in Where'sZeno, so I watched a movie
recently on Another shitty movie.

Speaker 3 (17:13):
All right, now I'm out of stuff to talk about.
We're 17 minutes in.
Where's xeno?
So I watched a movie recentlyon another shitty movie.

Speaker 1 (17:18):
It's extremely shitty , nice good tell me about this
shitty movie so this movie iscalled Crabs.
Okay, what's the synopsis ofwhat I would read if I was

(17:39):
looking at the back of a VHS boxof this movie?

Speaker 3 (17:44):
Town gets overtaken by crabs, which slowly mutate
into monster crabs, and only oneboy, who's paraplegic, is smart
enough to save the town.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
This is literally the plot of crab people from South
Park.
So, when I say With Al Gorebeing the quadriplegic.

Speaker 3 (18:22):
When I say crabs, what comes to your guys's?

Speaker 4 (18:24):
mind, I'm just curious, I think of like the
pirate crabs I want to say Iwant to say it's from like south
of, like the pirate crabs.
I want to say I want to sayit's from like South park, like
the animated pirate crabs Areyou talking about the crab
people that I just made areference to?

Speaker 1 (18:39):
Yeah, Crab.

Speaker 4 (18:41):
Okay that, or just a Coco's puke is getting fucking
ripped out of his body from abad toilet seat incident oh you
were driving around super hornyand you stopped at a fucking
flying J you told me about it.

Speaker 1 (18:54):
I would rather stick my ass out the window and shit
fucking oil flicks oh my it's afucking.
That's a fucking mario kartpower-up.
I hit the question box.

Speaker 4 (19:03):
I had to throw it to get a new item shit off the car
I shit I just shit my pants.

Speaker 3 (19:13):
So what I'm hearing is you guys do not envision this
.

Speaker 1 (19:18):
I just sent into a group chat oh, dear lord, what
I'm about to look at oh, where's?
No, not immediately you mean afucking.
What is that?
Is that a fucking?
Do I not?
Do I want to?

Speaker 4 (19:31):
say the name of it or no let's see if coco can guess.

Speaker 3 (19:35):
Isn't that a horseshoe crab?
It is a horseshoe crab.
These are the crabs of themovie crab.
It's literally just like afucked up stingray, so they a
bunch of like an army ofhorseshoe crabs.

Speaker 4 (19:46):
I take it.

Speaker 3 (19:47):
Move into this town, okay city larger this the first
thing that it shows is someplace.
I believe they're supposed tobe in japan or something.
Of course it's japan and itshows a singular horseshoe crab
and zip it along a beach.

(20:08):
And then it shows what wasdefinitely made in Adobe.
These like PNG towers, likenuclear reactors collapsing and
exploding and on the fenceoutside of it there's like no
crab posters allowed and thatexplodes.
And then it brings up the titlecard.

(20:29):
Then it comes to a scene Wait,wait, wait, wait wait, wait.

Speaker 1 (20:32):
This is the start of the movie.
Like we're, like we're like aminute in at this point.
Second, we've already blown upa fucking nuclear power plant.
I think berkey thought this wasway sooner into the movie we
haven't even hit the intro whatdo we?

Speaker 2 (20:55):
what do we come back?

Speaker 1 (20:56):
from what it's our the invasions already.

Speaker 3 (20:59):
This is like if you started sharknado with somebody
jumping into a shark with achainsaw so then it shows a
different beach somewhere inamerica, yeah, and it just has
these two people fucking on thebeach.

Speaker 4 (21:14):
Are we like 30 seconds in now?

Speaker 3 (21:17):
Yeah we're like less than a minute still.

Speaker 1 (21:20):
So Japan has fallen and people are having sex still
in America.
Japan has fallen, okay, okay,people are still fucking.
They don't even know that thecrabs are coming Still fucking.

Speaker 3 (21:34):
They don't even know that the crabs are coming and
they're doing Cowgirl on thebeach, nice.
So next thing you see is thislittle horseshoe crab again like
zipping along the beach.
You can tell that they have,like their prop department, made
this like fake shell and theyput on like an RC car and
they're just zipping it alongthe beach and then it stops and

(21:58):
it just watches them have sexand the girl like stops and
she's staring at it how do youlike me now, mr crabs?

Speaker 1 (22:11):
okay, so we're like a minute and 30 seconds into this
movie.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
Okay, the guy turns and he's talking to this thing.
He's like oh hey there, littlebuddy, you liking the show who
had, if I saw, a crab watching?
This is like one of two scenesthat has nudity in it Watched
Softcore Is that what you said?

Speaker 4 (22:33):
Like they almost showed boob.

Speaker 3 (22:35):
Yeah, like that is the intro, like they did show
nips.
I will say that much.
They did show nips.

Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's not the thing you were caring about in this
instance.
No, because you just sawfucking Chernobyl happen in
Japan from a horseshoe crab WithPNGs, with PNGs, with PNGs, oh,
with PNGs, okay.

Speaker 3 (22:52):
Yeah, like those nuclear reactors were PNGs.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
So wait, it was like a nuclear reactor PNG, and
somebody just animated it toreally slowly go off the screen.
Yes man, how much money didthis movie make and how do I get
a job working for them?

Speaker 3 (23:12):
So the girl full on stops.
She tomato rooted out by thecrab.
She puts her clothes back on uh, she didn't want to get grabbed
and the guy puts his likeshorts back on I don't think he
ever puts back on a shirt, butthat's not relevant anyway.
So he then decides to get hiscamera out and he picks the

(23:33):
horseshoe crab up by its tail,which never do you not pick a
horseshoe crab up by its tailgives it to her.
She's getting like freaked outbecause she thinks it's gross
looking.
What they don't notice is thismouth underneath the shell
that's moving like and he'strying to take a picture and

(23:54):
then suddenly like opens hismouth really large and does like
a weird noise and he's likewhat?
The?
And it jumps and lunges at hisface.
He's falling over in blood,spraying everywhere around him.
The girl's freaking out.
She's like trying to hit thecrab and everything.
So she runs and eventuallypicks up.
This rock goes over and what doyou think happens?

Speaker 1 (24:18):
she tries to smash the crab, but she's crushing
this dude skulling.
There's no way that this shittymovie doesn't have the girl
accidentally killing the guythat she was just having sex
with.
So what a way I get to tease it.
What a way he she got his rocksoff yes, crab jumps out of the

(24:39):
way.

Speaker 3 (24:39):
Dude sees that split second of the rock coming down,
smashes his face and she's likebaby, are you okay?

Speaker 1 (24:47):
baby, are you okay while his?
Eye, while his eyeballs arehanging by their tendons,
fucking on the either side ofthe fucking rock.
So he looks like a fuckingderpy, fucking fish.

Speaker 3 (25:00):
So Then the crab attacks her and then it cuts
away.
Well, she's dead.
Then we're introduced to ourtwo main characters.
I remember the boy's name isPhil and there's, like his best
friend I forget what her namewas maddie, that was it madeline
, so they called her maddie.

(25:20):
So it shows them walking throughtown trying to get to school
and they cut off a well, Ishouldn't even say they cut off,
they're on the sidewalk.
They're very plainly on thesidewalk trying to go around
people.
A priest steps out in front ofthem like there was enough room
for this guy to stand off to theside.

(25:40):
But no, he steps in front ofthem, waits for them to get
close enough, starts likechewing these kids out, dropping
a bunch of f-bombs, and then heflips them off and as they walk
around him and they're likewalking towards the camera, you
can still see the priest in thebackground just going like this
to them.
I'm like, oh okay, bear in mind, the priest will only show up

(26:04):
one more time in this fuckingmovie, so I don't know why they
made him so prevalent there,grabs the finger so then so this
is like a little bit.

Speaker 1 (26:17):
So this is like, uh, um, what?
Like three, three and a halfminutes into the movie.
So you've watched japan fall.
You watched some sex dude gethis head bashed in, and then a
lady got her face eaten by acrab.
And then, out of nowhere, apriest shows up and it's like
fuck you kids I'm guessing likealien style, the crabs are

(26:40):
fucking face this fucking movieis more.

Speaker 2 (26:44):
That's, that's a good point, that's a good point, oh
yeah, uh.

Speaker 3 (26:56):
They're in science class and they're supposed to be
dissecting dead cats and theteacher's like pulling them out
of like the burlap sack.
You can tell that these deadcats were made by the prof's
department.

Speaker 1 (27:08):
How much did you have to drink while you were
drinking, while while you werewatching this movie?

Speaker 2 (27:11):
I was sober.
I feel like.
I feel like I would have neededa drink before you watched it.

Speaker 4 (27:21):
Cause it'd be funny as fuck.

Speaker 3 (27:23):
I would have been so drunk I wish I was drunk or high
Cause.
That would have made this movie10 times more.

Speaker 1 (27:28):
I'm not entirely sure you weren't drunk or high based
on this description of a movie.

Speaker 3 (27:34):
You're in science class, they're pulling out the
dead cats out of the bag.
Maddie walks up, she uh, takesthe dead cat from the teacher.
Oh and, by the way, they triedto make this teacher look really
sexy and they like zoomed in onher miniskirt but her like knee
is out in a weird angle and allI could focus on was how fucked

(27:55):
up her knee looked in this shot.
It looked like a ps1 game kindof a knee.
But oh, no, that's where weestablished that the teacher is
maddie's mom and maddie's justlike.
I wish somebody would have toldme that we were dissecting dead

(28:16):
cats today, so I would haveknown not to wear my best shirt.
And then she goes to sit downnext to the main character, phil
, and this is also where we getintroduced to another side
character.
He's part of the main group,but he's definitely a side
character and his name is radu.

(28:37):
Okay, I at first thought thatmaybe this movie was a little
outdated, because I thought thatthey were making fun of
specific mental handicaps atfirst, because this dude sitting
there, he looks at the dead catthat's in front of him, next to
his lap partner, and he justvomits all over his table.

(28:58):
Okay, and the way he startstalking, he talks basically in
the third person.
He's like oh, radu, so sorry,and I thought you know, with
everything going on, they werejust making fun of a handicap.
I learned later that he wasjust a foreign exchange student.
They just were really bad atshowing that.

(29:19):
Oh, and radu also wears likethis uh, pink polo with a popped
collar.

Speaker 4 (29:24):
Okay, and this movie from like 2002, I thought so
what was the year.

Speaker 1 (29:30):
Is it like 2019?

Speaker 3 (29:32):
It's from two years ago.
It's 2022.

Speaker 1 (29:34):
It's even worse.

Speaker 3 (29:37):
So let's blame the COVID Under 2001,.
Guys Radu runs out of theclassroom.
And then it shows like hisscience partner, his lab partner
cleaning up the table.

Speaker 1 (29:50):
Dude, this is somebody's fucking like final
project for their film class andwe're just fucking shitting on
them.
I don't even want to stop itwith the jaeger bombs.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
I rolled for jaeger bomb one fucking dope during the
con we we had to drink jaegerbombs because coco rolled a
seven yeah, anyway, back to theadhd movie.
So then, this is where we alsoestablish that prom is coming up
.

Speaker 1 (30:18):
So now we're throwing prom after all the other stuff
and vomit Uh-huh.
When does this movie take place?

Speaker 3 (30:28):
They never establish.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
Does it look like?

Speaker 3 (30:30):
the.

Speaker 4 (30:31):
Internet exists.
Does it look like the internetexists, like modern day does?

Speaker 1 (30:33):
the in it does it look like the internet exists uh
, if I remember, I don't thinkanybody.

Speaker 3 (30:39):
No, they do use the internet to search what a
horseshoe crab is later in themovie okay.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
So one could surmise that by this point, four fucking
minutes into the movie, they,they know that Japan has
basically died.

Speaker 3 (30:55):
You would think our nuclear reactor went off over
there.

Speaker 4 (30:58):
No, the horseshoe crabs got there so fast?

Speaker 1 (31:01):
nobody even they ate the internet.

Speaker 2 (31:02):
Nobody could they ate the feed so.

Speaker 4 (31:07):
Nobody could.

Speaker 3 (31:09):
Jesus fucking Christ.
Radu tries to ask out Maddie tothe dance.
Maddie says no, she's alreadygot a date.
Uh, and phil the main characteris like oh, who the heck you
ass out.
And she was like you, youfucking idiot.
And he was like, oh god, okay,so jump, cut.
A little bit later we learnthat phil's that Phil's brother.

(31:31):
His older brother is the deputyof the town and their dad is
dead.
So you know, phil's olderbrother is trying to take care
of him trying to sell off theirdad's stuff so that way they can
try to live a little bit better, because they're both basically
living in trailers, like twoseparate trailers.

(31:53):
A little bit better becausethey're both basically living in
trailers, like two separatetrailers.
And they go back to phil'splace and phil gets mail and
apparently we learned that philhad a bribe like two us custom
agents to allow whatever thispackage is from korea to be

(32:13):
there and it's like some battery, that's like on this whole
nother level of energy, and whenthey mess with it it shoots out
a laser and destroys, like thebarn door that they're in.
Oh that's.
And that's where we also get tomeet the sheriff who, by the
way, the sheriff, produces theweed in this town and sells it

(32:37):
what is this?

Speaker 1 (32:39):
but I've lost the plotline, because isn't this
supposed to be horseshoe crabstaking over the world at this
point?

Speaker 4 (32:44):
they're marching on the ocean floor.
They're not going to getanywhere if this sheriff is
passing out weed.

Speaker 1 (32:51):
They're not getting anywhere in this town.

Speaker 3 (32:57):
So that's where we also finally kind of get a
little bit more introduced tothe deputy, because he comes in
there.
We also learn you know, he'strying to be the dad figure
because dad's not there anymore,maddie leaves, is not there

(33:18):
anymore, maddie leaves, uh.
And we learn also during allthat that apparently phil is
trying to make robotic legs forhimself because you know, kind
of like an exosuit thing for hislegs so he can walk, because
that's his big goal, he justwants to get out of the
wheelchair.
And the deputy and the sheriffgo on a call because a dead
whale apparently has uh beenbeached on their local beach and

(33:42):
a lot of people are calling andcomplaining about it.
But when they go to see thewhale, which is a 3d model of a
whale, I want you to know, is itdoes it look, does it look like
the quality of the whale fromuh.

Speaker 1 (33:55):
What's its name?
From uh, kingdom hearts, the uhoh uh I can't think of the
pinocchio pinocchio's will, butlike the that model that when
you come up and it eats youmonstro, the model of monstro,
when it comes up and eats youkind of look like that quality.

Speaker 2 (34:14):
They probably just ripped the asset from kingdom
hearts of ps2, playstation 2.

Speaker 4 (34:20):
Yeah, I got three of them good, perfect.

Speaker 3 (34:23):
Yeah, they talk about how the whale has obviously
been attacked by something likeits stomach is torn open, and
then they do a shot from insidethe whale and you can tell the
bones are just like these woodenpipes that they sanded and
painted to look a little bitmore like bones in the flesh,
and everything is like thesestreamer ribbons that they got

(34:45):
from Party City.

Speaker 2 (34:48):
No.

Speaker 3 (34:50):
I they're like absolute props to their props
department.
They did the best that theycould with whatever their budget
was, because they did aphenomenal job their budget was
zero uh, then, then I forget.
If it's just a little bit afterthat, I might be jumping around

(35:13):
a little bit, but who fuckingcares?
But we yeah, let's.

Speaker 1 (35:18):
let's not worry too much about jumping around,
because I've heard 70 fuckingstory plots on the first four
minutes of this movie, so we'resix minutes in now.
Oh, we're six minutes.
Sorry, I got, I got lost.
No, I have no idea.

Speaker 4 (35:34):
So minutes in now.
Oh, we're six minutes, sorry, Igot, I got lost?

Speaker 3 (35:36):
no, I have no idea.
So, uh, I love it.
I have to watch this.
I'm trying to remember becauseI might be flip-flopping a few
things around here, but I thinkwe basically go to the next day
and, if I remember correctly, abunch of nonsensical stuff kind
of happens, and then we learnthat the deputy used to be a

(36:04):
student of maddie's mom andthere is heavy sexual tension
between them.
These two want to why notmaddie's?
mom and the show maddie's momokay, because apparently she
started she wants to talk thedrug dealing cop essentially yes

(36:24):
, okay, I mean heck, she go likehe invites her in because Bill
and Maddie decide to go off on awalk and she chills with the
deputy, learns that he has weed.
So they just sit there smokingweed while looking at the
yearbooks.
And that's where he has likehearts drawn all over her and

(36:46):
everything, like they're reallytrying to point out like these
two want to bang.
And, in case you didn't know,while all that's going on, we
jump cut to radu, who's sittingwith these two guys who which,
by the way, maddie and phil looktheir age.

(37:09):
They are absolutely teenagers.
Radu looks like a 30 year oldman who shaved his face and is
trying to pretend to be ateenager, but they didn't have
much going for them.

Speaker 1 (37:20):
So Radu is sitting on this couch with people who are
supposed to be older than himand he's smoking weed with them
he's just sitting there withlike a short crop top and short
shorts, because they tried toput him in children's clothes,
so he looks like just a fuckingsuper old weirdo next to two
kids.
You got to make it through thisMurky.

Speaker 4 (37:50):
I love this show.
We used to watch movies likethis in college.

Speaker 3 (37:54):
Fucking couldn't tell you about any of them, but they
were hilarious and a horseshoecrab sneaks in because they're
all sitting in the garage forsome reason.
So the horseshoe crab sneaksunder the garage door and one of
the guys goes what the heck isthat?
And radu goes oh, I think it'sbadger radu.
Radu, very good, and fight withbadger, this dude, a fucking

(38:17):
caveman.
This horseshoe crab jumps onthe face of one of the dudes,
knocks him off the couch,blood's going everywhere.
And then the swarm of horseshoecrabs come in.
Radu fucking bails while thisother guy gets his face torn off
, and he's super fast.

(38:38):
Rodney is running through towntrying to get people's attention
, but because he doesn't reallyknow how to explain what's
happening, everybody kind ofpushes him away and tells him to
get bent.
So he runs into a bar justscreaming that he needs help.
But because nobody believeshe's 21 years old, nobody wants

(39:00):
to listen to him.
They think he's a lunatic.
So they like yell at him to getout and he's like fine, I hope
these demons come and eat yourfaces.
So he like leaves and that'swhere he runs into Phil and
Maddie who were walking downlike this alley, and that's uh,

(39:20):
I think it was around this timethat Phil just tried to make the
legs work.
But they broke and Maddie toldhim uh, you know all these
encouraging words and finally,to cheer him up, she's like do
you want to watch homelesspeople have sex on the beach?

Speaker 1 (39:41):
and he was like yeah, we made a jump and I'm very
confused now so that was thereason why they went on a walk.

Speaker 3 (39:49):
The legs didn't.
They'll need to cool down.
So Roddy runs into them in thealleyway and one of the
horseshoe crafts comes up andMaddie's like, oh, it's so cute,
what is this?
And Roddy's like, no, stay away, it's a demon.
But Maddie goes up to thisthing she's about to like touch
it and it dies.
To this thing, she's about tolike touch it and it dies.

(40:10):
So Maddie and Phil leave andRadu just starts shit talking,
this dead horseshoe crab.
He's like even Poseidon didn'twant you, uh, and it's like.

(40:30):
It's like it's like a minutelong roast to a dead horseshoe
crab.
But then the shell pops up inthis like glob comes out and
then it like rises up and itstarts looking down at Radu and
Radu is like, oh fuck.
Down at radu and radu's like,oh, fuck.

(40:54):
And then it jump cuts to philreturning home and you know phil
and his older brother, they gointo their trailers, uh, you
know they're going to bed forthe night.
But maddie decides to sneak hermom into the barn where they're
like working on those uh,prosthetic robot exoskeleton
legs for Phil and they decide tofinish the project and make it

(41:18):
functional.
So that was like a little giftthat was left behind.
Now the next day the olderbrother gets a call.
He goes to the beach.
There's like this line of blood.
He follows it and boom, hefinds the girl with like her
face torn off.
They never explain what happensafter that, they just kind of

(41:40):
find that and all the likestrewn apart body parts.
Then, a little bit past that,he comes back.
He picks up Phil.
They learn Well, the deputylearned that they fixed the legs
for phil, so he surprises philwith legs.
They go to prom.
Now at prom the deputy sees theteacher like yeah, prom's just

(42:09):
not happening.
Everybody's at prom, so what?

Speaker 1 (42:11):
are we 30 minutes in?

Speaker 3 (42:13):
uh, we're probably about 45 minutes in, because
this movie's only like an hourand 20 minutes.
So he sees the teacher give hima sexy little wink, walks away.
So he's kind of like oh yeah,okay.
So he follows her, uh, and thenhe sees a horseshoe crab in the

(42:33):
school hallway.
So originally he's like whatthe heck are you, little guy?
And he gets chased by it, whichI'm sorry.
If I get chased by a horseshoecrab, if it's running at me, I'm
not going to be scared.
I know they have nothing, butapparently nobody in this
universe knows what a horseshoecrab is.

(42:55):
So he gets chased by thishorseshoe crab.
He eventually loses it and heruns into the sexy teacher who
apparently went to the bathroomand you know he's trying to
explain himself.
And he's trying to explain likeoh no, I wasn't trying to
follow you to the bathroom, Iwas getting chased by a badger
or something.
I don't know why everybodythinks horseshoe crabs in this

(43:16):
universe are badgers, but theygo back to the dance when?

Speaker 1 (43:20):
where are we at?
Where are these people?
Where is this town at?

Speaker 3 (43:24):
I don't know.
Oh, you know, is it?
Is it somewhere where ahorseshoe?

Speaker 1 (43:26):
crab could be.
Because, if we're talking about, like this is in the middle of
fucking Kansas.
I can understand why people arecalling this horseshoe crab a
fucking badger, because why thefuck would there be a crab in
Kansas?

Speaker 4 (43:43):
It takes place in Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
It takes place in fucking Wisconsin I'm being
chased by a wheel of cheese.

Speaker 3 (43:51):
I mean they had a whale wash up on the beach.

Speaker 1 (43:55):
They're definitely near the ocean you're right
there, murky the wheel of cheesejoke gets you yeah so
everybody's dancing, phil'sdancing with maddie.

Speaker 3 (44:11):
You can definitely feel like, oh, young loves, kind
of blossoming here.
Then a horseshoe crab that wasin the hallway sneaks into the
gymnasium where they're holdingprom and he goes up to the dj
and he's like looking at the dj,he's kind of bopping along with
the music a little bit.
Dj sees this, he leans down toand he's popping along with the
horseshoe crab, and then hefucking eats him well, dj gets

(44:35):
up, changes the music and thenthe horseshoe crab attacks him
and it takes like people like 30full seconds to realize the
music has stopped let's be realhere.

Speaker 1 (44:47):
Japan nuked itself fucking 40 minutes ago.
People still haven't figuredthat one out yet.
Pretty sure you can see theradiation cloud coming at you
and fucking wherever this is inCalifornia at this point.

Speaker 4 (45:00):
The DJ changed the song.
He changed it to Sandstorm.

Speaker 3 (45:03):
So then the horseshoe crab is wearing the beanie of
the DJ?

Speaker 1 (45:11):
Please tell me he played the fucking crab rave
song Please tell me.
Man, this movie was made in2022, and they missed the
opportunity to have the crab bea goddamn DJ.
It was so obvious.
Like fuck you.
They probably couldn't get therights.

Speaker 3 (45:32):
Let's be real, they obviously couldn't gets up,
changes the song and then it'slike other horseshoe crabs are
in the room and they start liketrying to attack people and the
deputy's like everybody out,everybody out.
So they try running to thedoors.
Then this flood of horseshoecrabs comes in.
He's like nope this sounds.

Speaker 1 (45:51):
This sounds like they pulled the plot of when
Spongebob had a fucking ravewith the jellyfish and then
changed the song on them andthey all got pissed off that and
the one where all the sarginesshow up in the buses.

Speaker 3 (46:07):
I think that was a very good episode, so then
they're all fighting thesehorseshoe crabs they're in the
gymnasium which apparently arevery easy to kill because they
step on these things and theydie.
And, fun fact, horseshoe crabshave blue blood.
They kept that in the movie, sothat was a neat little thing

(46:29):
that they did.

Speaker 1 (46:32):
The one thing they got right crabs have blue blood
cool so, uh, the crabs are there.

Speaker 3 (46:42):
Everybody's fighting back.
They're trying to run out ofthe school at this point and
that's also when they learnabout these big, gigantic mutant
crabs that are walking aroundand attacking people.
So they get chased by this one.
Phil's legs stop working, sohis like brothers carrying him

(47:02):
around.

Speaker 1 (47:04):
I keep forgetting that this guy's like
quadriplegic so we just keeptalking about it.
I mean, I think at this pointit doesn't really matter.
What's that gonna do?

Speaker 3 (47:15):
so, uh, his brother has to carry him because the
legs aren't working anymore.
And that's when everybody'slike what the heck are these?
And the science teacher likehas to show everybody that
they're horseshoe crabs.
She's like I think they're andshe says, like the latin of them
.
And then she like shows them apicture from an encyclopedia

(47:35):
that it's a horseshoe crab.
And then that's when thebrother drops that he saw a
whale that had something attackit.
So he gets one of those reallyold rolly things where it was
like the light projected on that.

Speaker 1 (47:52):
Yeah, the project, and then you would write on it
and overhead project.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
Yeah, overhead, and he's like drawing like this
little horseshoe crab.
Then he drew like the thingthat chased him out there and
then he's like drawing what hethinks a big one looks like that
attacked the whale.
So they know there's like ahuge one out there somewhere.

Speaker 1 (48:13):
So he just got a piece of graph paper and went
this is what we're dealing with.
And then drew a bigger circleand said this is what they are.

Speaker 3 (48:22):
Oh, he actually like tried drawing them, alright,
okay, uh, and they also getsaved by Radu.
Radu shows up because the crabtries chasing them again and he
jumps out of a trash can with akatana.
He's shirtless, has a deadhorseshoe crab on his chest and

(48:45):
he sees this fucking satan.

Speaker 1 (48:48):
Where did he get this katana?
I have so many questions.
What ethnicity was this guy?
He's white, I can tell you thatmuch no, he's a foreign
exchange student and you verywell have told me that he is
from some other country.

Speaker 3 (49:04):
Yes, so they also learn that these crabs are
radioactive.
So of course you know he getsthe they blew up Japan.
Well, the characters don't knowthat.
Oh, and also Raidu like hasblue blood all over his face as

(49:25):
war paint that he put therefucking looks like Avatar
without the blue skin uh, itlooks more like Rambo when he's
in the forest ready to killthose guys I think he just drew
a bunch of stars like all overhis face.
It's all lines really.
So they decide to go back tophil's farm to try to create

(49:48):
something that can combat thebig, gigantic crab for whenever
it shows up.
So they're driving through townand that's when they see like
the crabs have completely takenover, because apparently these
crabs can turn you into likeparasite zombies because they
get on your back and they likeoh so now we're, now we're into
a zombie movie.

Speaker 1 (50:08):
Okay, yeah, yeah, okay.
And this is the 57 millionthplot line it's alien, but they
get it doggy style.

Speaker 4 (50:17):
What the?

Speaker 3 (50:17):
essentially, and as they're driving through town and
they're just watching peopleget murdered by these things,
like even the tiny ones whichwe've established are very easy
to kill, you can step on themand they die.
And the priest jumps on thefront of the car and he starts
like oh, he's back.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
Oh, my God, he's back .
Please tell me he jumps in thecar like this.

Speaker 3 (50:43):
No, he jumps on there and he starts like praising
them for like showing up Thinkof that like God sent them.
And then, like you see, out ofthe corner of the frame of big
crabs coming up like trying towarn him, like hey, big crap,
big crap.

Speaker 1 (51:00):
and then he gets like torn off of the car and you
just see these big crabs veryshitty costumes, that people are
just walking around and likethat one movie you said, like
the fucking shark movie, whereit was just like these fucking
dudes and like weird fuckingside of the moon.

Speaker 3 (51:15):
Yeah, shark side of the moon.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
That was all CG costumes.
Oh, that was CG, okay.

Speaker 3 (51:20):
That was all CG, but these costumes were probably the
best that was in the movie.
I will say that much.
They were like the best prop.
They were like the best prop.
So they eventually get back tothe barn and the deputy is going
to go try to look for thesheriff, while the rest of them
try to come up with a plan andget like bunker down in that
barn and that's where theybasically decide to make a

(51:44):
gigantic mech out of all theshit that they have there in the
barn All right, so we're goinglike either Iron man or Gundam.

Speaker 1 (51:52):
Got it?
This checks out.

Speaker 3 (51:54):
However, it randomly turns into a Disney Channel
movie here.
What Think?
Like early 2000s, when theywere doing like a montage of
things and they were likezooming on the character?

Speaker 1 (52:05):
I have ADHD.
We're already working welloutside of my working memory.

Speaker 3 (52:09):
I'm aware there's way too much happening right now,
so it randomly becomes a disneychannel because they're just
randomly doing shit and thenthey're holding something,
they're talking to the cameraand they're like wrench wires,
plank of wood, like it's justweird and they ran out of

(52:33):
fucking content.

Speaker 1 (52:34):
They fucking ran out of storylines, dude, I think
they needed to fill out that youknow movie theater runtime bro
I feel like, I feel like if wetry to make nipple as cage, it's
gonna have a way better shotthan this fucking shithole.

Speaker 3 (52:47):
So I just remember, during that whole thing, radu
tries to go up to Maddie's momand trades her like something
that was in his pocket for herdaughter's hand in marriage and
she accepts it without realizingwhat it was an offer for.
And then he's like okay, Iaccept your daughter's hand in

(53:09):
marriage.
And she's like, no, no, uh.
But while that's going on, itjumps back to the deputy.
The deputy goes to thesheriff's house.
It's full of fucking weedplants, like head to toe.
This bitch is covered.
This is also where we learnthat the sheriff is now being

(53:31):
taken over by one of thehorseshoe crabs.
And when the deputy like walksinto there before he knows that
the sheriff has been taken over,a horseshoe crab is just
watching porn and he shows thesewomen just rubbing their
breasts against each other, hewalks up and he stomps on he's
washing the sex from thebeginning of the movie.

(53:52):
Yes, pool full of chocolatepudding.
And then he has to fight thesheriff and sadly, he has to
kill the sheriff and thehorseshoe crab that's on him and
sadly.
Well, the sheriff was actuallya really good dude.
He was one of the only likedecent characters in the entire
movie yeah, the only problem ishe's in the movie so uh, god,

(54:18):
you're telling this story.

Speaker 1 (54:19):
I feel like I need a goddamn drink just to understand
this.

Speaker 3 (54:22):
The crabs try to break into the barn.
Radu is able to get one of themdistracted and runs into a
trailer and is able to againjust slice it with his katana
because he just has a katana,okay, and the other one gets
taken out by Maddie's mombecause she gets like a wrench
or something do we not know whatMaddie's mom's name is?

(54:45):
I don't remember her name.
I truly do not remember her nameor the deputy's name.
So, uh, eventually they're ableto protect the barn.
They finish the thing and theydecide to finally launch it.
And, by the way, this thing iscontrolling the mech buttons.

(55:06):
We're launching the mech andthis mech is controlled with a
gigantic like wheel for a ship,like a pirate ship wheel.
Wait, but are you in the mech?
And this mech is controlledwith a gigantic like wheel for a
ship, like a pirate ship wheelwait, but are you in the mech?
he phil is in the mech phil'sthe one controlling this I was.

Speaker 1 (55:21):
I was almost expecting to say you control it
like a fighting game.
You have like a stick and abunch of buttons, because that's
all they had in the budget.

Speaker 3 (55:30):
So the mech.
It's a gigantic shark mechthat's standing on like two legs
and has two hands, and theywalk it to the beach, which,
coincidentally, is right whenthe gigantic one is coming out
of the water.
So phil is fighting thisgigantic crab, like there's like

(55:54):
a 5-10 minute action scene ofhim just fighting this crab.
However, the crab is kickinghis ass the entire fucking time.
No matter what he does, it isjust beating the shit out of him
.
And then, out of nowhere, hisbrother shows up in his car and
he's like, hold on, I'm coming.
And then he jumps out ofnowhere.
His brother shows up in his carand he's like, hold on, I'm
coming.
And then he jumps out of hiscar and his car like somehow is

(56:18):
able to keep going forward,launches off of a clip, hits the
back of this crab, which likefully distracts it.
So Phil, while he's on his backand his back is like almost torn
into pieces, like it's missingan arm because the crab tore
that bitch off he grabs it withhis other arm, opens its mouth

(56:39):
and inside the mech he decidesto take the battery that was in
his you know, exo legs that hewas using to now power this mech
he was using to now power thismech.
He shoots it as a laser at theglass visor that's at the front
and it builds up on the glassand eventually just shoots out
like I'm firing my laser on thismotherfucker, and just toasts

(57:02):
him and then everybody'sstanding there like cheering and
then eventually, where the ballsack is on this mech because it
kind of looks like it has ballsit even shows it is on this
mech because it kind of lookslike it has balls, it even shows
it.
It opens up out like crawls outphil, and he falls like oh, he
just wanted to re-experiencebeing birthed and you know
everybody's hooting andhollering and I'm like they,

(57:24):
they didn't do it, they justkilled the big crab, but they
didn't save the town or anything.
And then it kind of like faceto black.
You think the credits are gonnaroll.
And then it like comes back andit's on phil's face and he's
being woken up by maddie and shewas like hey, it's showtime.
And then he like wheels himselfup to the control panel of his

(57:47):
mech, he turns over him andmaddie finally have like a kiss.
And then they're in fuckingjapan and there's three gigantic
crab monsters destroying tokyoand he like pulls out his like
sore, that's the tail of theshark.
And he says like a one-linerand he swings at the camera and
boom end of movie.
Now the credits are rolling.

(58:08):
However, it shows the gymnasiumwhere the prom was happening
and a janitor's coming out andhe's like trying to clean all of
it up and the end credit songis just Radu basically singing
about how he doesn't like crabs.
So like electronic music.

Speaker 2 (58:25):
And that's it.
That's the movie of crabs.

Speaker 1 (58:29):
Electric boogaloo.
All right, that's ADHD.
After dark, I don't know how torespond to any of that last
sequence.

Speaker 3 (58:39):
So if you're the director of crabs and you hear
this, please let me be in thesequel.
Please.
I will do it for free.

Speaker 1 (58:45):
You just get me on that set.
Let us record the podcast inthe sequel.

Speaker 4 (58:50):
You can be the electric and the boogaloo,
guaranteed dude, that's a thingabsolutely a.
Thing my brain hurts.

Speaker 1 (59:05):
I was following that movie for the first four minutes
and then I got lost.
And then you asked me to thinkabout what a Disney movie was.
I couldn't.
My brain hurt.

Speaker 3 (59:15):
It's all over the place.
It is kind of a messy movie, Iwill say.
However, it was enjoyable.

Speaker 1 (59:23):
I was able to sit there but wait, wait, wait, wait
, wait, wait.
Does that mean that, likeeverything that happened in the
movie was a dream?
But they're still in a giantmech fighting crabs?

Speaker 3 (59:35):
I don't think it was a dream, I just I don't know.

Speaker 1 (59:41):
Japan was already destroyed at the beginning of
the movie.

Speaker 3 (59:45):
But I mean just one of the islands.

Speaker 1 (59:48):
Probably that's the whole of Japan, japan's several
islands If you blow up a nuclearreactor, Japan's dead.
More or less.
Just look at the Fukushimadisaster.

Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
That was all of Japan .

Speaker 3 (01:00:05):
All I gotta say is I will work for free.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
I think all of ADHD After Dark would be in that
movie for free we'll even recordour podcast live during that
movie filming, because I don'tthink you care about leaks.
We'll publish the episode whilewe're being eaten by fucking
horses.

Speaker 3 (01:00:24):
Any kind of press for that is good press and you know
what, if you mail us the crabpuppets, we will do that entire
rest of the podcast us the crabpuppets.
We will do that entire rest ofthe podcast with the crab
puppets.

Speaker 2 (01:00:34):
Easy.

Speaker 4 (01:00:36):
Did I tell you guys how I thought I was going to get
arrested?
And then I watched somebodyelse and their friend get
arrested?

Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
What a weird fucking segue.

Speaker 2 (01:00:47):
Was this recent?

Speaker 4 (01:00:49):
Yes, this was Saturday.

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
I still need to like let me unwind my brain from
horseshoe crab.
You can use the restroom.
My brain needs a little bit ofa break between that story.
I mean, that's a lot.

Speaker 4 (01:01:06):
I won't make it super long, but this did happen.

Speaker 1 (01:01:10):
I mean you can make it.
Take the last 10 minutes of thepodcast.

Speaker 4 (01:01:13):
I'd rather be lucky than good any day.

Speaker 3 (01:01:16):
Oh, Any bets on what he almost got arrested for
Smoking weeds, my guess I meanif he was in the current state
in which he is living, in whichit is legal.

Speaker 1 (01:01:33):
Yeah, but we know that he can travel to another
state where it's not.

Speaker 3 (01:01:36):
It was either probably for weed drinking or
how he was driving.

Speaker 1 (01:01:42):
Driving down the road with a bunch of shit on the
side of his car because he hadto poop.
He was like, oh shit, I gottago poop.
Pulled off to the side so hejust leans out.

Speaker 3 (01:01:53):
officer called him for littering, laughing oh well,
I actually have a very similarstory to murky's about almost
getting arrested yeah well,almost getting pulled over by
police for doing something.
So, uh, my car was gettingrepaired down south carolina, so

(01:02:15):
I was driving my ex-wife's carand she had this little tiny
copper oranges.
I'm trying to remember whatkind of car was it was basically
like is it a ford?
It wasn't a ford.
I want to say it was a chevywas it like one of those weird
hashbacks?

Speaker 1 (01:02:33):
it's like got the fucking orange color no, it was
a muscle car.

Speaker 3 (01:02:37):
She like bottom car okay, and I had to drive in.
This bitch was low.
I was not paying attention tothe speed that I was going until
it registered in my brain I hadjust passed a police officer.
I was on a highway which wassupposed to be like around 60,

(01:02:58):
65, and I'm pulling like 80, 85.
And I just was able to sneak myway into traffic, slow myself
down.
Just a little bit ahead of mewas a very, very similar looking
car, just a lot newer.
Police officer was able to zoomup, seize that car and, from

(01:03:20):
what I'm assuming, thought thatwas me, has lights going, pulls
up behind it and waits untilthey're out into the shoulder.
And I'm like that car looks alot like this one.
I think you thought that was me.

Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
You got somebody a ticket.
Yep, I hope they.
I hope they weren't speedingand they fought that in court
and they were like oh yeah,that's not you uh, you know what
?

Speaker 3 (01:03:47):
I hope they were able to get off from that.
I'm really hoping that I wasnot the cause for the reason why
they got a ticket.

Speaker 1 (01:03:54):
But uh, there are some days where that still
haunts me in my dreams nice now,when now you got the horseshoe
crabs to haunt you in yourdreams.
It's gonna eat your face I'msurprised you're not scared of
horseshoe crabs because theylook a lot like stingrays no,
I'm perfectly fine with them,it's just stingrays.
Alright, marky, how'd youalmost fuck up.

Speaker 4 (01:04:16):
Okay, I'm going to need a drink for this one.
It's Saturday at roughly 11o'clock.
Oh my God, I was talking.
I just poured and poured.
We got the kayaks in the waterand we started to kayak across
the lake, myself and threeothers.

(01:04:38):
Okay, go across the lake and weget into the creek.
You're familiar with said creek?
Yeah, and we're floating.
Originally we were going to getoff at the first stop, which is
like three, three and a halfhours, roughly, of floating, but
the current was pretty quickbecause the water was high and

(01:05:00):
we're drinking along the way.
Get to the first stop and somefriends get off.
Well, there's no trash cans atthe first stop.
So I tell them to give me theirempties and we stuff them in
the front of my kayak becausethere's like a bungee net up
there.
So I kind of stretch it out andit'll hold everything.

(01:05:21):
Okay.
The second par is another threehours.
Okay, we have plenty of snacksand food.
We're eating this whole time,drinking water too, but also,
again, we're drinking.
This is a seven-hour tripaltogether, so there's a lot of

(01:05:43):
empties in my kayak.
We get to the end.
The way you come in at the endis you come up into like a dirt
embankment and then you have togo up a hill.
You have to drag your kayak upa hill to get up to a parking
lot where my dad was meeting us,because, again, we've been
drinking all day.
So my dad was meeting us withthe truck to put the kayaks in

(01:06:06):
the back of the truck.
Um, one of my, one of myfriends who got there just
before myself and Dusty did.
At this point there's three ofus.
He goes up the hill.
He gets to the top of the hill.
He looks at me and goes hey,the department of natural
resources is up here.

(01:06:27):
And I go shit, so the DNR?
Hey, the Department of NaturalResources is up here and I go
shit.
So the DNR.
I open the cooler because Ihave a big red cooler in the
back of my kayak that had abunch of sandwiches.
Take the 12-pack Hawaiian rolls.
If you guys want a good snackidea, 12-pack Hawaiian rolls,
cut it in half.

(01:06:47):
Ham, cheese, any condiments youwant, slam the half back on it.
Put it right back in thepackage.
It's perfect for a cooler,great snacks.
Okay, I'm throwing empties atthese sandwiches and I close the
cooler and there's still abunch of empties in the front of
my car.
I'm like fuck.

(01:07:09):
So then I help Dusty up the hill.
We get up the top of the hilland the officer asks us okay, do
you guys have life jackets onyour vessel today?
I was like no officer, Iapologize, we don't Just being
honest with you.
I did 100%.
I do not.
He goes.
Hey, man, it's cool.
Appreciate being awesome.
We're just out here educatingpeople today and if we can just
get a name and phone number fromyou, we're just going to give

(01:07:31):
you a warning no tickets,anything.
We just want you to be safenext time.
I was like awesome.
Hey, I really appreciate thatman, thank you, he goes.
Yeah, once you get your lastkayak up here, just come over to
the truck Again, I'll get yourname and phone number and

(01:07:52):
everything Awesome.
I go down to get my kayak.
The other officer comes downwith me to help me with my kayak
and he's waiting for me toeither start slurring.
My words, one, two fall on myface going up this hill, being
too fucked up.
I grabbed this kayak and youwould have thought like I was
back fresh in college wrestling,because I just grabbed the
front of this thing with thecooler strapped in the back and
like everything.
And just right up the hill hetouched the back a little bit

(01:08:14):
and he got to the top and helooked at all the empties.
He looked at me for a secondand they looked at the empties.
He goes.
So, man, you seem like you'reokay, he goes, but that's a lot.
It looks like you drank a lot.
Like are you okay?
And I'm like.
Well, we had about six or sevenfriends with us this morning.
We started roughly 11 at thelake and I got all their empties

(01:08:37):
, because there's no trash cansat the first drop off and that's
why those are all here.
And also, and at that exactpoint, my dad is pulling into
the parking lot.
I'm like, and at that exactpoint my dad is pulling into the
parking lot and I'm like, andalso my dad's actually here to
pick us up and get the kayaksand the truck and stuff, so he
goes, you know what.
Thank you so much, man, thanksfor being prepared Like, thanks

(01:08:58):
for having a plan, and I waslike, of course, officer.

Speaker 3 (01:09:04):
Yes, sir.

Speaker 4 (01:09:05):
Of course, officer.
Yes, sir, of course officer.
You know we appreciate youbeing out here doing your job
and making sure everybody'sbeing safe out here and, you
know, keeping it safe foreverybody else.
So then you know, all thekayaks are up, we get all the
trash out, put them in the trashfor recycling.
They have recycling bins upthere, they have trash, they

(01:09:26):
have everything.
So we get everything cleaned upand we're loading the kayaks.
Well then there's two guys thatcome in behind us, the DNR, the
natural resource officers, meetthem down at the water.
I think they had just gottenthere and they weren't coming
down yet.

(01:09:46):
We were the first people.
They checked is what I'mguessing, because there were
people ahead of us that were.
There's no way they weredragging a kayak up a hill by
themselves, coherently kind ofthing, which is dangerous.
Don't do that, folks.
And they meet him down at thewater.
They're down there talking tohim, we're loading stuff up, and

(01:10:08):
then the DNR officers arehelping them with their kayaks
up.
And they take their kayaks andthey put them in the back of a
single DNR vehicle.
They strap them down, they patdown both the gentlemen, they
put them in the back of thetruck and then both trucks drive
away.
So either one they had drugs,that's my guess, or two it was a

(01:10:33):
public intoxication thing andthey were trying to gather
kayaks and just stumbling,bumbling and rumbling uh, their
way right to the local countysheriff's department ah, so the
drinking was allowed, but notlike yeah, you could.
I mean you could go out thereand drink.
They have everything put awayso you can recycle, but you have
to be responsible.
Well, yeah, you can't go outthere.

Speaker 1 (01:10:54):
And just the dude looked at your kayak and he was
like huh, you're either a ragingalcoholic or something else.
Is happening here both of whichare true.

Speaker 4 (01:11:07):
I grabbed the front of my kayak and again there's
like a 40 pound cooler just inthe back of the kayak murky was
like I can't fuck up here, Ihave to yeah, dude, I just I was
in flip-flops you have to lockit in lock it in fucking lock it
in lock it in, I'm gonnaneed you to lock it in right man
literally and just, dude,stomped my way up this hill so

(01:11:28):
fast and, yeah, he looked at allthe empties and he's like
there's no way this guy's notfucked up.
He looked at me and he's like,well, if he was fucked up you
would just fell on his face.
He's carried like he had justdragged a hundred and some odd
pounds up this fucking steep asshill.

Speaker 1 (01:11:53):
I almost fell and I'm not carrying anything, and uh,
yeah, didn't go to jail.
Good, someone else did, someoneelse did.

Speaker 4 (01:11:55):
Well, they, shouldn't have been super drunk.
We had a plan in place.
They did not.
Yeah, they either had a pi orthey had possession of something
that they shouldn't have had.
You gotta be smart in that,folks.
You gotta be smarter than that,folks, you gotta be smarter
than that.
Yeah, it was scary.
I was scared for a second.
I was like we're going to jaildude, they're going to see this
and they're not going to ask anyquestions.

(01:12:16):
I'm going to need you to putyour hands behind your back.
Breathe into this for me, sir.
I'm not driving.
I don't give a shit, get bent.
Look man, I don't give a fuckwhat you're saying.
I'll breathe into this for me.

Speaker 1 (01:12:34):
Oh, you have a ride.
Yeah, you had a ride.

Speaker 4 (01:12:35):
Now you have a different ride.

Speaker 2 (01:12:37):
I'm your taxi now.

Speaker 3 (01:12:39):
Yeah, unpaid for by your local taxes.

Speaker 4 (01:12:43):
Pined up my asshole.

Speaker 1 (01:12:45):
I can imagine oh boy, we talked about that movie for
fucking one hour that movie isfire dude.

Speaker 4 (01:12:54):
I'm gonna have to watch it it's on Tubi.

Speaker 1 (01:12:59):
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 4 (01:13:01):
I'm gonna fucking.
Next time I go to any aquariumwhere you can like touch the
you're gonna fucking kill thehorses crabs.

Speaker 1 (01:13:10):
Be careful, it's gonna dodge out of the way and
you're gonna fucking breaksomebody's face open.

Speaker 3 (01:13:14):
It's gonna doggy style, fuck my brain yeah, and
you're gonna become one of thoseshambling little zombies oh no
all right.

Speaker 1 (01:13:24):
Well, that was a podcast, that was a podcast we
knew, we knew, we knew.
All right, well, that was apodcast.
That was a podcast.
We know, we know, we know, weknow, we know, we know, we know,
we know, we know, we know, weknow, we know, we know.
Catch us next week with yourwiener in our ears.