September 9, 2025 • 21 mins
We explore how childhood experiences shape our adult relationship with money, especially for those with ADHD who receive an estimated 20,000 more negative messages than praise by age 10.
• Children with ADHD often develop shame-based beliefs from chronic criticism
• These negative messages literally rewire the developing brain
• The prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making) is affected by both ADHD and chronic stress
• Financial struggles in adulthood often stem from childhood shame rather than just executive function
• Conventional financial advice fails because it doesn't address the underlying emotional wounds
• The pattern creates a feedback loop: shame triggers fear, which impairs executive function
• Healing begins by recognizing and addressing the emotional needs of your inner child
• Breaking the shame cycle allows financial management to improve naturally
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Head over to our YouTube channel for the full experience on future episodes.
Head over to our YouTube channel for the full experience on future episodes.
Learn more about ADHD-friendly financial coaching
Follow me on YouTube
Subscribe to the newsletter
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm about to tell you a story that's going to piss
you off, not because it's sad,not because it's unfair, because
when I'm done you're going torealize something about yourself
that you can't unknow once youknow it, and it's going to
change how you see just abouteverything.
This is about one week, aneight-year-old's week.
Here we go.
(00:20):
It's a Monday morning inOctober 1995.
I'm eight years old, staring ata math test with numbers
swimming on the page.
Mrs Peterson drops my test facedown.
I turn it over and I see a bigred D minus circled so hard.
The pen practically torethrough the paper.
(00:42):
My chest tightens, blood rushesto my face.
That all-too-familiar wave ofterrifying negativity that can't
really be described fills everycorner of my body.
But somehow something kicks in.
I force my mouth into a smile.
I'll do better next time, mrsPeterson.
(01:02):
Mouth into a smile.
I'll do better next time, mrsPeterson.
So the next day after school,mom's holding that manila
envelope from school, we sit atour wobbly kitchen table.
You're so smart, son, whyaren't you applying yourself?
(01:23):
If only I had the words toexplain how I felt.
But the feeling that I wasfeeling was indescribable and it
couldn't be placed.
It felt like it was fromanother planet.
So I do what I know how to do.
I smile again.
I'm sorry, mom, I'll try harder.
She sighs.
That's what you always say.
Something has to give.
You're not going to becomeanything if you keep this up.
(01:48):
Something cracks inside mychest.
Home was supposed to be safe,now nowhere.
Nowhere is safe.
So the next day, wednesday, atsoccer practice, sun Sun is
shining, birds are singing, it'sa nice day outside.
Coach Martinez explains a drill, but to me his words sound like
(02:11):
they're underwater.
My mind is too cluttered and mythoughts are flying in and out.
The shame from earlier thisweek, the test, my mom telling
me that I can't think straight,I'm not listening.
Coach blows the whistle,everyone scatters.
I make my best guess at what todo and I run.
(02:32):
But I'm wrong.
I'm completely wrong, david.
He yells what are you stupid?
Every kid turns to look.
The word stupid hangs in theair like a toxic cloud.
Feeling that terrifying energypour over me.
(02:52):
Again I laugh Sorry, coachMustering up a small smile, but
inside something is dying.
That night I go to sleep justruminating about all this pain
and these memories that hurt,but I still don't know what to
(03:12):
do about it.
So I just escape.
Friday afternoon rolls aroundand I'm in the boys' bathroom.
I notice a few kids areflushing the urinals over and
over.
We had those urinals that wouldgo from the ground up, you know
, like the tall ones and they'rejust flushing these urinals and
I see that the water isstarting to spill out over the
(03:35):
bottom edge of the urinal andfilling the bathroom like it's
flooding the bathroom.
I know it's wrong, what they'redoing, but it's been a bad week
and everyone's having fun andit seems like these are what the
cool kids are doing right now.
So, desperate for attention andreally any level of connection,
I join it and I start causingthe bathroom to flood and I keep
(04:00):
going and going and going andpeople are laughing.
I feel like I belong for abrief moment.
We're all laughing together.
Later that day the loudspeakercrackles.
Will all the second gradestudents please report to the
principal's office immediately?
We all go and we crowd into heroffice.
(04:20):
We all go and we crowd into heroffice.
My chest is already tightening.
I'm already feeling that waveof emotion over me that I can do
nothing but just withstand itand let it terrorize me.
She makes an offer If whoeverwas responsible for flooding the
boys' bathroom raises theirhand.
(04:40):
I won't call your parents For alittle while.
Nothing happens.
No one moves.
We're all sitting, crowdedaround, sitting in her office,
wall to wall filled with kids,the unbearable pressure of all
those eyes, that fear ofdisapproval.
I can't take it.
My hand shoots up and for amoment I am relieved.
(05:01):
I am relieved of the pressureand the pain of knowing that I
was going to be lying and that Iwould have to live this down.
My hand goes up and I take theblame.
The tension in the room foreverybody else dissolves.
But something else dissolvestoo, something inside of me,
dissolving and disintegrating.
The shame rocks my entire body.
(05:22):
I feel paralyzed.
I am the one that everyone'slooking at, the one who did this
stupid thing.
I am so stupid, okay, okay,pause for a second.
That moment when his hand shotup, that's not just some kid
being noble or something likethat, Because it is noble, but
something's happening there.
See, when you're a kid andstuff like this keeps happening
(05:45):
the criticism, the feelingdifferent, the not fitting in
your brain starts learningthings, things about yourself,
about how the world works, aboutwho you fundamentally are.
And those lessons well, theywere some of the most
well-taught lessons that we areever going to be taught.
So Saturday rolls around.
Finally, the weekend.
(06:07):
I asked my dad for my allowance.
Not this week, buddy, money'stight, okay, that's all right.
But later at the grocery storeI'm doing what I do best.
I'm quiet, obedient, not tryingto upset anybody, and my dad
pulls out a five dollar bill.
He says you've been a reallygood boy today, son, you're
(06:31):
really well behaved.
Here's five bucks.
The money feels warm in my hand, but there's something cold
settling in my stomach and as aneight-year-old I have no idea
what that cold feeling is.
I have no idea, but it justdoesn't feel right.
It's been a weird week.
Sunday, family goes to church.
(06:52):
I'm wedged between mom and dad.
Father McKenna is delivering asermon, but I'm squirming.
It's just been a reallydysregulating week.
I'm an eight-year-old, I don'treally know what's going on, but
I'm squirming.
There's energy inside of methat's trying to get out, but it
doesn't know how.
The busy energy builds upinside of me and I'm just moving
around and I guess I'm causinga problem for everybody around
(07:14):
me.
I'm trying to sit still, butit's like holding back a sneeze.
All of a sudden, mom clampsdown on my arm.
Sit, sit still.
People are watching.
What's wrong with you?
So even here in God's house I'mwrong, I'm not accepted, I'm
not really wanted.
We get ready to leave churchand I'm kind of just tagging
(07:36):
along behind the rest of myfamily.
I guess I wander off in thewrong direction and by the time
I realize I've sort of losttrack of where my family is.
I run to the car.
When I get to the car car, Isee it pulling away down the
street.
They forgot me.
In that moment I'm feeling thatfeeling again just take over my
body the fear, the invisibilityof it all.
(07:58):
I start to wonder, like, do Ieven exist at all?
I know, I know, I know You'reprobably thinking this is just
some kid having a bad week.
But here's the thing For somekids this isn't a bad week, this
is just a week.
And the math and the schoolstruggles, the impulsive
decisions and the acting out forattention, the not sitting
(08:20):
still, the feeling like you'realways doing something wrong, no
matter how hard you try andwant to do the right thing, and
maybe even more painfully for alot of us, the feeling that if
you're not doing certain things,to get the attention to be
literally seen and paidattention to.
(08:41):
Then you just feel plaininvisible.
When this is your normal, whenyou're getting these messages
over and over, something happensto how you see yourself and
that something doesn't just goaway when you grow up.
Stay with me here, 20 yearslater, I'm sitting in my Honda
Civic in a parking lot.
(09:02):
It's raining.
I had received a large amountof money eight months back
$43,000, and it's gone.
And in this moment that realityis hitting me like a punch in
the gut and that similar feelingthat I can't place but that is
terrifying, fills my body boneto bone.
(09:23):
Every corner of fiber of mybeing is crying.
This is overwhelming.
I'm a financial professionaland in this moment I'm realizing
that I can't even manage my ownfinances.
It must mean that I am justbroken and not good.
(09:43):
The feeling is unbearable andthe voices start to return.
What's wrong with you?
Mom says what are you stupid?
Coach says Good boy.
Dad says, but only when I'veearned it.
My chest tightens and thefeeling again floods my body.
(10:05):
My face turns bright red.
I can barely breathe.
In the deepest moment of mydespair, something clicks.
I realize I wasn't just badwith money in this moment.
No, not at all.
What I was feeling is the samefeeling that eight-year-old boy
felt.
That emotion, that feeling thatcame over his body, was over my
(10:28):
body now.
The kid who raised his hand totake the blame, the child who
learned that money meant loveand he didn't deserve either.
The spending wasn't aboutwanting things.
It was about feeling a holethat was carved out of me.
It was a survival mechanism, away to escape the feelings that
(10:49):
I didn't have words for myentire life and that nobody saw
in me to validate them.
So the money wasn't the problem, it was this emotion, and this
emotion was shame, and the shamehad been there way before I had
any money to manage.
Money became the escape,because if money equaled love,
(11:14):
wasn't I just showing love tomyself?
Now let me be honest with you.
That story, this story I justwent through.
It is mostly fiction.
The bathroom part, though, thatwas real.
That's a very true story.
The rest, it's stitchedtogether with bits and pieces of
my life, with a fair amount ofcreative license, and obviously
(11:35):
being stuffed into one week.
This is not really how anythingreally went down.
However, I told this story for areason.
All right, gotta stop here fora second.
When I first told this story Isaid it was mostly made up, as
you just heard, based oneverything you've told me about
growing up.
This might as well be exactlywhat happened to you, and
(11:57):
there's also way more stuffyou've shared with me, and the
quantity of things you've sharedwith me doesn't make me feel
like you should have said thatat all, kind of weakened your
message and, honestly, honestlyfelt weird when I was saying
that I also had a hard timedeciding what to do, because I'm
like I should just be totallyhonest and if I'm not being
totally honest, I can't say thatit's real, whatever.
(12:18):
Um, but every feeling in that,that story, the shame, the
taking the blame, the learningthat love has conditions, that's
all so real to me.
I could cry, and maybe itwasn't all in one week, but the
pattern, the way it felt, that'smy childhood, and if any of
this felt familiar to you thetight chest, the desperate need
to just fit in anywhere thenmaybe it's your story too.
(12:40):
Oh, and if this is hitting youdifferent than expected, then go
ahead and smash that subscribebutton and like this message and
share it with your friends.
Yeah, so, anyways, back to thestory.
I want to drive a very clearmessage home to you today,
because, while this story that Itold is not quite the truth in
full, it does encapsulate in ashort story how I felt growing
(13:06):
up with ADHD.
And here's what I didn'tunderstand then, assuming this
story is totally mine and thisweek happened.
This story is not unique.
Researchers have found thatchildren with ADHD receive
around 20,000 more negativemessages than messages of praise
.
Like that's this story's Mondaythrough Sunday, multiplied by
(13:30):
thousands, hundreds of thousandsof other kids all carrying the
same burning shame.
Research says by age 10, sothat's 5.5 negative messages a
day.
So picture this.
There's another eight-year-oldin Michigan standing in front of
his math teacher with the sametight chest's another
eight-year-old in Michiganstanding in front of his math
teacher, with the same tightchest.
A 10-year-old girl forgettingher homework again, watching her
(13:54):
mom's face twist intodisappointment.
A teenager impulsively spendinghis allowance, then lying about
it because the shame feels tooheavy.
These aren't just ADHD symptoms,because for so many of us we
didn't know anything about ushaving ADHD when these 20,000
(14:17):
negative messages were happeningto us.
So they're not just ADHDsymptoms or just because of your
ADHD.
They're shame building moments.
And here's what the researchshows, chronic criticism rewires
the developing brain.
In fact, children with ADHD andthose under constant stress
(14:39):
both have reduced volume intheir prefrontal cortex, the
part of the brain Responsiblefor decision-making, the part of
the brain that all of us withADHD will say it's not quite
caught up yet.
So that little boy's brain wasbeing wired for survival, not
for money management.
The shame wasn't just emotional, it was neurological.
(15:03):
So we have one born factorworking against us and then the
events of that born factor inour early life make that worse
and affect the same part of thebrain.
Fast forward 20 years.
That michigan kid is sitting inhis car outside a bank, too
ashamed to ask about overdraftfees.
(15:23):
That texas girl is hidingcredit card statements from her
husband.
That teenager is now an adultwho impulse buys when he feels
worthless.
Clinical studies show adultswith ADHD score much higher on
shame based beliefs, things likeI'm fundamentally flawed or I
always mess things up.
These beliefs create a feedbackloop.
(15:44):
Shame creates fear.
Fear cripples executivefunction.
That leads to avoidance andleads to coping and leads to
escaping and that leads to morefailure, which validates the
shame.
I know a lot of us can relate tothis when it comes to our money
.
This is why budgeting apps failfor us, why the color coded
(16:06):
planners that we come up withdon't work very long.
Why just try harder?
Advice falls flat Because we'renot treating the problem at the
root cause.
20 year old wound.
30 year old wound.
40 year old wound.
50 year old wound.
For some of you withproductivity hacks, tired ADHD
(16:30):
hacks and tricks and all of thisthat all it does is heighten
and reinforce the shame spiralwhen we fail to follow through
on those.
And if we were to be honest, wedon't fail to follow through on
the budgeting app merelybecause our executive function
is weak.
If it was merely because ourexecutive function is weak, if
it was merely because ourexecutive functioning was weak,
we would just be late on gettingonto the budgeting app and
(16:52):
cleaning it up.
We would do it eventually, butmany times, most of the time, we
don't do it at all.
So the forgotten bills, theimpulse spending, the financial
chaos they don't create newshame, it's just reinforcing the
same story we've been tellingourselves since we've been kids
adapted to the financial world.
(17:14):
Because here's the truth.
That story does not end in theparking lot.
No, once you see the pattern,you can't unsee it.
If this video resonates withyou, pattern, you can't unsee it
.
If this video resonates withyou, you won't be able to forget
it.
Once you understand that yourmoney problems are shame
problems, everything can change.
I learned to sit with thateight-year-old's feelings
(17:35):
instead of buying my way out ofthem.
I learned my worth wasn't tiedto a bank balance or perfect
behavior or doing what myfriends were doing or being as
far ahead as everyone else.
I learned that the hole I wastrying to fill could only be
healed by finally giving thatscared little, traumatized boy
(17:58):
that feels unseen, invisible andworthless, the acceptance that
he never got.
And it wasn't easy and therewere setbacks, but for the first
time I was treating the realdisease, not just the symptoms,
because all that ever did when Iwas trying to solve the
symptoms was an endless chasefor the next thing that could
(18:22):
help for temporary relief, whichonly ended up in piling up the
absolute number of failures thatonly made the problem deeper.
And these things come to a head.
And when we heal this shame,the money stuff, it actually
starts to take care of itself.
So here's what I learned.
(18:43):
We talk about ADHD like it'sjust a brain thing, like some
people's brains work differentlyand that's it.
But it's not just that.
When I really thought about itand I really envisioned what it
means to have 20,000 morenegative messages than other
kids by age 10, 20,000.
So it's not that's so muchextra.
(19:06):
So it's not just that ourbrains work differently because
they do, they are wireddifferently.
Adhd is real trauma and negativeexperience doesn't cause ADHD.
I think complex trauma can bemistaken for ADHD if someone
doesn't really have ADHD.
But I totally believe that ADHDyou're born with it, when you
are clinically diagnosed andfully resonate with it.
(19:29):
But the thing is that's been soimpactful to me to understand
is that our brains workdifferently and we grow up
getting told we're wrong, we'retoo much, we're not enough, over
and over and over.
And that's not just ADHD,that's ADHD plus the shame,
reinforcing and originatingexperiences.
(19:51):
That's not just ADHD, that'sADHD plus the shame, reinforcing
and shame originatingexperiences that we have to go,
that we go through.
And once you see that, a lot ofthings start to make sense.
And me, I cannot unsee.
In fact I think my entireworldview is filtered through of
this understanding, probablytoo much.
(20:11):
I get it, I get the adhd, butwhy this?
Why that?
Why is this, which takes justas much executive function, so
much better now that I havethese strategies, and but why is
this that takes maybe even lessexecutive function, not as bad
things like that?
So I hope you enjoyed this.
I want to know which moment hityou the hardest in this video.
(20:33):
Let me know in the comments.
Thanks for watching.
More content's coming peace.
I'm about to tell you a story that's going to piss
you off, not because it's sad,not because it's unfair, because
when I'm done you're going torealize something about yourself
that you can't unknow once youknow it, and it's going to
change how you see just abouteverything.
This is about one week, aneight-year-old's week.
Here we go.
(00:20):
It's a Monday morning inOctober 1995.
I'm eight years old, staring ata math test with numbers
swimming on the page.
Mrs Peterson drops my test facedown.
I turn it over and I see a bigred D minus circled so hard.
The pen practically torethrough the paper.
(00:42):
My chest tightens, blood rushesto my face.
That all-too-familiar wave ofterrifying negativity that can't
really be described fills everycorner of my body.
But somehow something kicks in.
I force my mouth into a smile.
I'll do better next time, mrsPeterson.
(01:02):
Mouth into a smile.
I'll do better next time, mrsPeterson.
So the next day after school,mom's holding that manila
envelope from school, we sit atour wobbly kitchen table.
You're so smart, son, whyaren't you applying yourself?
(01:23):
If only I had the words toexplain how I felt.
But the feeling that I wasfeeling was indescribable and it
couldn't be placed.
It felt like it was fromanother planet.
So I do what I know how to do.
I smile again.
I'm sorry, mom, I'll try harder.
She sighs.
That's what you always say.
Something has to give.
You're not going to becomeanything if you keep this up.
(01:48):
Something cracks inside mychest.
Home was supposed to be safe,now nowhere.
Nowhere is safe.
So the next day, wednesday, atsoccer practice, sun Sun is
shining, birds are singing, it'sa nice day outside.
Coach Martinez explains a drill, but to me his words sound like
(02:11):
they're underwater.
My mind is too cluttered and mythoughts are flying in and out.
The shame from earlier thisweek, the test, my mom telling
me that I can't think straight,I'm not listening.
Coach blows the whistle,everyone scatters.
I make my best guess at what todo and I run.
(02:32):
But I'm wrong.
I'm completely wrong, david.
He yells what are you stupid?
Every kid turns to look.
The word stupid hangs in theair like a toxic cloud.
Feeling that terrifying energypour over me.
(02:52):
Again I laugh Sorry, coachMustering up a small smile, but
inside something is dying.
That night I go to sleep justruminating about all this pain
and these memories that hurt,but I still don't know what to
(03:12):
do about it.
So I just escape.
Friday afternoon rolls aroundand I'm in the boys' bathroom.
I notice a few kids areflushing the urinals over and
over.
We had those urinals that wouldgo from the ground up, you know
, like the tall ones and they'rejust flushing these urinals and
I see that the water isstarting to spill out over the
(03:35):
bottom edge of the urinal andfilling the bathroom like it's
flooding the bathroom.
I know it's wrong, what they'redoing, but it's been a bad week
and everyone's having fun andit seems like these are what the
cool kids are doing right now.
So, desperate for attention andreally any level of connection,
I join it and I start causingthe bathroom to flood and I keep
(04:00):
going and going and going andpeople are laughing.
I feel like I belong for abrief moment.
We're all laughing together.
Later that day the loudspeakercrackles.
Will all the second gradestudents please report to the
principal's office immediately?
We all go and we crowd into heroffice.
(04:20):
We all go and we crowd into heroffice.
My chest is already tightening.
I'm already feeling that waveof emotion over me that I can do
nothing but just withstand itand let it terrorize me.
She makes an offer If whoeverwas responsible for flooding the
boys' bathroom raises theirhand.
(04:40):
I won't call your parents For alittle while.
Nothing happens.
No one moves.
We're all sitting, crowdedaround, sitting in her office,
wall to wall filled with kids,the unbearable pressure of all
those eyes, that fear ofdisapproval.
I can't take it.
My hand shoots up and for amoment I am relieved.
(05:01):
I am relieved of the pressureand the pain of knowing that I
was going to be lying and that Iwould have to live this down.
My hand goes up and I take theblame.
The tension in the room foreverybody else dissolves.
But something else dissolvestoo, something inside of me,
dissolving and disintegrating.
The shame rocks my entire body.
(05:22):
I feel paralyzed.
I am the one that everyone'slooking at, the one who did this
stupid thing.
I am so stupid, okay, okay,pause for a second.
That moment when his hand shotup, that's not just some kid
being noble or something likethat, Because it is noble, but
something's happening there.
See, when you're a kid andstuff like this keeps happening
(05:45):
the criticism, the feelingdifferent, the not fitting in
your brain starts learningthings, things about yourself,
about how the world works, aboutwho you fundamentally are.
And those lessons well, theywere some of the most
well-taught lessons that we areever going to be taught.
So Saturday rolls around.
Finally, the weekend.
(06:07):
I asked my dad for my allowance.
Not this week, buddy, money'stight, okay, that's all right.
But later at the grocery storeI'm doing what I do best.
I'm quiet, obedient, not tryingto upset anybody, and my dad
pulls out a five dollar bill.
He says you've been a reallygood boy today, son, you're
(06:31):
really well behaved.
Here's five bucks.
The money feels warm in my hand, but there's something cold
settling in my stomach and as aneight-year-old I have no idea
what that cold feeling is.
I have no idea, but it justdoesn't feel right.
It's been a weird week.
Sunday, family goes to church.
(06:52):
I'm wedged between mom and dad.
Father McKenna is delivering asermon, but I'm squirming.
It's just been a reallydysregulating week.
I'm an eight-year-old, I don'treally know what's going on, but
I'm squirming.
There's energy inside of methat's trying to get out, but it
doesn't know how.
The busy energy builds upinside of me and I'm just moving
around and I guess I'm causinga problem for everybody around
(07:14):
me.
I'm trying to sit still, butit's like holding back a sneeze.
All of a sudden, mom clampsdown on my arm.
Sit, sit still.
People are watching.
What's wrong with you?
So even here in God's house I'mwrong, I'm not accepted, I'm
not really wanted.
We get ready to leave churchand I'm kind of just tagging
(07:36):
along behind the rest of myfamily.
I guess I wander off in thewrong direction and by the time
I realize I've sort of losttrack of where my family is.
I run to the car.
When I get to the car car, Isee it pulling away down the
street.
They forgot me.
In that moment I'm feeling thatfeeling again just take over my
body the fear, the invisibilityof it all.
(07:58):
I start to wonder, like, do Ieven exist at all?
I know, I know, I know You'reprobably thinking this is just
some kid having a bad week.
But here's the thing For somekids this isn't a bad week, this
is just a week.
And the math and the schoolstruggles, the impulsive
decisions and the acting out forattention, the not sitting
(08:20):
still, the feeling like you'realways doing something wrong, no
matter how hard you try andwant to do the right thing, and
maybe even more painfully for alot of us, the feeling that if
you're not doing certain things,to get the attention to be
literally seen and paidattention to.
(08:41):
Then you just feel plaininvisible.
When this is your normal, whenyou're getting these messages
over and over, something happensto how you see yourself and
that something doesn't just goaway when you grow up.
Stay with me here, 20 yearslater, I'm sitting in my Honda
Civic in a parking lot.
(09:02):
It's raining.
I had received a large amountof money eight months back
$43,000, and it's gone.
And in this moment that realityis hitting me like a punch in
the gut and that similar feelingthat I can't place but that is
terrifying, fills my body boneto bone.
(09:23):
Every corner of fiber of mybeing is crying.
This is overwhelming.
I'm a financial professionaland in this moment I'm realizing
that I can't even manage my ownfinances.
It must mean that I am justbroken and not good.
(09:43):
The feeling is unbearable andthe voices start to return.
What's wrong with you?
Mom says what are you stupid?
Coach says Good boy.
Dad says, but only when I'veearned it.
My chest tightens and thefeeling again floods my body.
(10:05):
My face turns bright red.
I can barely breathe.
In the deepest moment of mydespair, something clicks.
I realize I wasn't just badwith money in this moment.
No, not at all.
What I was feeling is the samefeeling that eight-year-old boy
felt.
That emotion, that feeling thatcame over his body, was over my
(10:28):
body now.
The kid who raised his hand totake the blame, the child who
learned that money meant loveand he didn't deserve either.
The spending wasn't aboutwanting things.
It was about feeling a holethat was carved out of me.
It was a survival mechanism, away to escape the feelings that
(10:49):
I didn't have words for myentire life and that nobody saw
in me to validate them.
So the money wasn't the problem, it was this emotion, and this
emotion was shame, and the shamehad been there way before I had
any money to manage.
Money became the escape,because if money equaled love,
(11:14):
wasn't I just showing love tomyself?
Now let me be honest with you.
That story, this story I justwent through.
It is mostly fiction.
The bathroom part, though, thatwas real.
That's a very true story.
The rest, it's stitchedtogether with bits and pieces of
my life, with a fair amount ofcreative license, and obviously
(11:35):
being stuffed into one week.
This is not really how anythingreally went down.
However, I told this story for areason.
All right, gotta stop here fora second.
When I first told this story Isaid it was mostly made up, as
you just heard, based oneverything you've told me about
growing up.
This might as well be exactlywhat happened to you, and
(11:57):
there's also way more stuffyou've shared with me, and the
quantity of things you've sharedwith me doesn't make me feel
like you should have said thatat all, kind of weakened your
message and, honestly, honestlyfelt weird when I was saying
that I also had a hard timedeciding what to do, because I'm
like I should just be totallyhonest and if I'm not being
totally honest, I can't say thatit's real, whatever.
(12:18):
Um, but every feeling in that,that story, the shame, the
taking the blame, the learningthat love has conditions, that's
all so real to me.
I could cry, and maybe itwasn't all in one week, but the
pattern, the way it felt, that'smy childhood, and if any of
this felt familiar to you thetight chest, the desperate need
to just fit in anywhere thenmaybe it's your story too.
(12:40):
Oh, and if this is hitting youdifferent than expected, then go
ahead and smash that subscribebutton and like this message and
share it with your friends.
Yeah, so, anyways, back to thestory.
I want to drive a very clearmessage home to you today,
because, while this story that Itold is not quite the truth in
full, it does encapsulate in ashort story how I felt growing
(13:06):
up with ADHD.
And here's what I didn'tunderstand then, assuming this
story is totally mine and thisweek happened.
This story is not unique.
Researchers have found thatchildren with ADHD receive
around 20,000 more negativemessages than messages of praise
.
Like that's this story's Mondaythrough Sunday, multiplied by
(13:30):
thousands, hundreds of thousandsof other kids all carrying the
same burning shame.
Research says by age 10, sothat's 5.5 negative messages a
day.
So picture this.
There's another eight-year-oldin Michigan standing in front of
his math teacher with the sametight chest's another
eight-year-old in Michiganstanding in front of his math
teacher, with the same tightchest.
A 10-year-old girl forgettingher homework again, watching her
(13:54):
mom's face twist intodisappointment.
A teenager impulsively spendinghis allowance, then lying about
it because the shame feels tooheavy.
These aren't just ADHD symptoms,because for so many of us we
didn't know anything about ushaving ADHD when these 20,000
(14:17):
negative messages were happeningto us.
So they're not just ADHDsymptoms or just because of your
ADHD.
They're shame building moments.
And here's what the researchshows, chronic criticism rewires
the developing brain.
In fact, children with ADHD andthose under constant stress
(14:39):
both have reduced volume intheir prefrontal cortex, the
part of the brain Responsiblefor decision-making, the part of
the brain that all of us withADHD will say it's not quite
caught up yet.
So that little boy's brain wasbeing wired for survival, not
for money management.
The shame wasn't just emotional, it was neurological.
(15:03):
So we have one born factorworking against us and then the
events of that born factor inour early life make that worse
and affect the same part of thebrain.
Fast forward 20 years.
That michigan kid is sitting inhis car outside a bank, too
ashamed to ask about overdraftfees.
(15:23):
That texas girl is hidingcredit card statements from her
husband.
That teenager is now an adultwho impulse buys when he feels
worthless.
Clinical studies show adultswith ADHD score much higher on
shame based beliefs, things likeI'm fundamentally flawed or I
always mess things up.
These beliefs create a feedbackloop.
(15:44):
Shame creates fear.
Fear cripples executivefunction.
That leads to avoidance andleads to coping and leads to
escaping and that leads to morefailure, which validates the
shame.
I know a lot of us can relate tothis when it comes to our money
.
This is why budgeting apps failfor us, why the color coded
(16:06):
planners that we come up withdon't work very long.
Why just try harder?
Advice falls flat Because we'renot treating the problem at the
root cause.
20 year old wound.
30 year old wound.
40 year old wound.
50 year old wound.
For some of you withproductivity hacks, tired ADHD
(16:30):
hacks and tricks and all of thisthat all it does is heighten
and reinforce the shame spiralwhen we fail to follow through
on those.
And if we were to be honest, wedon't fail to follow through on
the budgeting app merelybecause our executive function
is weak.
If it was merely because ourexecutive function is weak, if
it was merely because ourexecutive functioning was weak,
we would just be late on gettingonto the budgeting app and
(16:52):
cleaning it up.
We would do it eventually, butmany times, most of the time, we
don't do it at all.
So the forgotten bills, theimpulse spending, the financial
chaos they don't create newshame, it's just reinforcing the
same story we've been tellingourselves since we've been kids
adapted to the financial world.
(17:14):
Because here's the truth.
That story does not end in theparking lot.
No, once you see the pattern,you can't unsee it.
If this video resonates withyou, pattern, you can't unsee it
.
If this video resonates withyou, you won't be able to forget
it.
Once you understand that yourmoney problems are shame
problems, everything can change.
I learned to sit with thateight-year-old's feelings
(17:35):
instead of buying my way out ofthem.
I learned my worth wasn't tiedto a bank balance or perfect
behavior or doing what myfriends were doing or being as
far ahead as everyone else.
I learned that the hole I wastrying to fill could only be
healed by finally giving thatscared little, traumatized boy
(17:58):
that feels unseen, invisible andworthless, the acceptance that
he never got.
And it wasn't easy and therewere setbacks, but for the first
time I was treating the realdisease, not just the symptoms,
because all that ever did when Iwas trying to solve the
symptoms was an endless chasefor the next thing that could
(18:22):
help for temporary relief, whichonly ended up in piling up the
absolute number of failures thatonly made the problem deeper.
And these things come to a head.
And when we heal this shame,the money stuff, it actually
starts to take care of itself.
So here's what I learned.
(18:43):
We talk about ADHD like it'sjust a brain thing, like some
people's brains work differentlyand that's it.
But it's not just that.
When I really thought about itand I really envisioned what it
means to have 20,000 morenegative messages than other
kids by age 10, 20,000.
So it's not that's so muchextra.
(19:06):
So it's not just that ourbrains work differently because
they do, they are wireddifferently.
Adhd is real trauma and negativeexperience doesn't cause ADHD.
I think complex trauma can bemistaken for ADHD if someone
doesn't really have ADHD.
But I totally believe that ADHDyou're born with it, when you
are clinically diagnosed andfully resonate with it.
(19:29):
But the thing is that's been soimpactful to me to understand
is that our brains workdifferently and we grow up
getting told we're wrong, we'retoo much, we're not enough, over
and over and over.
And that's not just ADHD,that's ADHD plus the shame,
reinforcing and originatingexperiences.
(19:51):
That's not just ADHD, that'sADHD plus the shame, reinforcing
and shame originatingexperiences that we have to go,
that we go through.
And once you see that, a lot ofthings start to make sense.
And me, I cannot unsee.
In fact I think my entireworldview is filtered through of
this understanding, probablytoo much.
(20:11):
I get it, I get the adhd, butwhy this?
Why that?
Why is this, which takes justas much executive function, so
much better now that I havethese strategies, and but why is
this that takes maybe even lessexecutive function, not as bad
things like that?
So I hope you enjoyed this.
I want to know which moment hityou the hardest in this video.
(20:33):
Let me know in the comments.
Thanks for watching.
More content's coming peace.
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