March 7, 2025 • 36 mins
Navigating relationships while managing ADHD presents unique challenges that can either strengthen or strain your partnership. Drawing from 17 years of marriage and extensive experience as a psychologist specializing in ADHD, I've distilled five essential rules that transform how couples approach common relationship obstacles.
The cornerstone of successful ADHD relationships begins with assuming good intentions rather than malice. When your partner forgets important dates or arrives late, recognizing this as a manifestation of their neurodevelopmental condition—not neglect—changes everything. This shift from blame to understanding creates space for collaborative problem-solving instead of resentment.
Communication failures often trigger relationship conflicts, but verbal reminders rarely stick in the ADHD brain. The solution isn't repetition or nagging but establishing external systems both partners use consistently. Shared calendars, written notes, and other visual cues work with the ADHD brain rather than fighting against it, reducing frustration for everyone involved.
Many couples struggle with mismatched energy levels—one partner craves stimulation while the other needs quiet downtime. Finding balance doesn't mean someone always sacrifices; it means creative compromising and sometimes pursuing separate activities while maintaining connection. Similarly, emotional intensity requires thoughtful management from both sides, with non-ADHD partners learning not to escalate when emotions run high and ADHD partners developing strategies to recognize and regulate overwhelming feelings.
Perhaps most importantly, successful partnerships distribute responsibilities based on strengths rather than forcing a perfect 50-50 split. This might mean the non-ADHD partner handles more administrative tasks while the ADHD partner contributes in different ways. When couples stop defining fairness as identical contributions and start acknowledging different abilities, resentment decreases dramatically.
These strategies represent a fundamental shift away from the "just try harder" mentality that fails both partners. Instead, they'll help you create a relationship where ADHD is acknowledged without becoming the dominant force in your partnership.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Zac (00:00):
Hey everybody, this is Zac and welcome to the first episode
of 2025 of the ADHD Real Talkpodcast.
I'm really excited abouttoday's episode because I think
that it's going to be first off.
It's about a very importanttopic that comes up a lot in my
counseling practice.
We get too far into thisactually.
(00:22):
Uh, do me a favor, go to uhrecharge psychologycom,
particularly if you are here inuh alberta.
Uh, I have, I'm a registeredpsychologist and a counseling
therapist specificallyspecializing in adhd, and I am
excited.
Uh, I currently have someopenings for new clients.
Uh, if you live in alber, youwant to either meet in person
(00:47):
here in Edmonton for one-on-onecounseling or, if you want,
virtual counseling throughoutAlberta.
I'm currently open to newclients, and so, if you are
interested in working with me,rechargepsychologycom is the
website and I'm excited to hearfrom you if you're looking for
(01:08):
that.
Today's episode is all aboutrelationships and what I've
tried to do with this is to tryand boil down some basic rules.
I've been married for coming upon 17 years this year to my
amazing patient, wonderful wifeHillary, years this year to my
(01:28):
amazing patient, wonderful wifeHillary, and there's a few rules
here that I think I've reallyboiled down to.
I think that are very helpfulfor me to keep in mind in my
relationship and like between meand my wife, and so that is
very helpful that I think thatwe're going to be able to do in
the future for you.
Hopefully it's helpful.
I don't know how, why I'mwording that so weirdly, but
let's get started.
(01:49):
I want to jump right into itbecause we've got some great
stuff here.
The goal of today is to giveyou five basic rules for
relationships, and each of theseare going to have a little bit.
I'm going to outline a littlebit of a common problem and then
understand what the rule is,and I'll give you the rule first
too.
Okay, so let's just jump rightin, because I don't want to
(02:09):
spend too much time wasting herewith all the chit chat.
Okay, so rule number one inrelationships we're going to
jump right into it is you wantto assume good intentions, not
malice.
It's very common inrelationships, if don't for the
non-ADHD partner, and for today,we're going to assume that we
have one partner who has ADHDand one partner who does not.
(02:32):
Okay, I know that there arecouples out there where both of
you have ADHD.
My guess is, if that's the case, there are going to be some of
these issues that still come up,because people's ADHD is always
a little bit different, right?
But we're going to talk abouteach of these and in the future
zac@rechargepsychology.
com you know, let me know , ifyou want an episode specifically
(02:54):
about like non or like ADHD,like relationships where both
have ADHD, right, we can talkabout that too, but I think that
these are still going to beuniversal.
Anyways, rule number one assumegood intentions.
So here's a classic example,right?
So it's date night, you'resupposed to be meeting for
(03:17):
dinner and, like, your non-ADHDpartner shows up on time but,
like the, adhd is nowhere to beseen.
Calls go unanswered All of asudden, like 20 after like,
respond to breathless andapologetic and oh my gosh, I
lost track of time, I mean.
So here's the thing.
Is that what's going on in thatsituation, first off, from the,
from the non-adhd partner'sperspective, is that, like man,
this keeps happening.
If you really cared, wouldn'tyou try harder?
(03:39):
You know, is this makes me feellike I'm not important to you?
Uh, meanwhile, the person withADHD often is feeling like, no,
no, no, really, I'd like Ididn't mean to be late, I was
just doing something and I losttrack of time and man, I was
just like I feel like I'm introuble, right?
Classic example, and it happensa lot, right, basically because
one of the things is that, like, people with ADHD often like
(04:02):
genuinely cannot keep track oftime, not that we're incapable
of doing it, but it's harder forus and our brain is not
necessarily wired that way.
So here's the thing.
First, again, using this likeassuming good intentions and not
malice, right, that is a reallyimportant piece to keep in mind
(04:25):
.
Genuinely, we are trying and Iknow that sometimes it doesn't
look like we're trying, right,and I know I'm coming from the
perspective of somebody who hasADHD, and so I want to make it
clear as we're going throughthese.
By the way, I am not at alltrying to invalidate the
frustration of the non-ADHDpartner.
Okay, I understand howfrustrating it is.
(04:47):
In fact, we're going to think alittle bit about here's a
couple of questions to to keepin mind in this situation.
Okay, is that you have to?
For the like number one, withthe, with the, the non, we'll
start with the non-ADHD partnerin each of these.
Okay, for the non-ADHD partner,it's these.
Okay.
For the non-ADHD partner.
It's very important to askyourself a couple of questions.
(05:09):
Am I assuming that theirforgetfulness is because they
don't care in this situation andI'm using forgetfulness, but I
am assuming that they're doingwhatever they're doing because
they don't care?
And another important questionis would I rather be right or
would I rather try to find a wayforward together?
I understand, because thereality is is that in a
(05:31):
situation like this, where theperson is doing something or
isn't doing something they saidthey would do or they you know
situations like this that comeup you need to understand that
forgetfulness in this particularsituation is not neglect, it's
ADHD.
I want to say that again.
Forgetfulness is not neglect.
(05:51):
This is part of their brainwiring and neurodevelopmental
difficulties.
So don't take it personal.
I think is the important thing.
It's valid, your frustration isvalid and we're going to get to
the ADHD partner in a second,but it's not about neglect and
it's important to take that inmind.
Instead of taking it personally, we really want to be looking
(06:14):
for solutions and not justdwelling on the problem, and
this is just in relationships ingeneral.
The more you sit and dwell onthe problem and just repeat it
over and over again, again.
Here's what the problem is.
It's really overwhelming forpeople with adhd.
They've been doing this theirwhole life.
I, I know for myself, right,like in situations like this.
I, I've been doing this mywhole life and I sure wish I
(06:37):
wasn't.
Um, and frankly, I'm better atit than I used to be right, but
it happens sometimes.
So it's important again for thenon-ADHD partner assume good
intentions, not maliciousintentions.
They didn't mean to do thisright, and so it's important to
express your feelings withoutaccusation and focus on the
(06:59):
impact that it's having and notthe blame.
So, for example, you could saysomething like I know you don't
mean to be late, but when ithappens it makes me feel
unimportant.
So how can we work together tomake this better?
It's really valuable how thisis worded right.
I know you don't mean to belate.
In other words, you'reacknowledging where they're
(07:21):
coming from, but you're stillmaking it clear how this is
making you feel, and thenimmediately we're pivoting to
how can we make it work better?
That's the.
That's really what we're tryingto do in the first place,
anyways.
Okay, so that's for the ADHDpartner, for the not, or, sorry,
for the non ADHD partner, forthe ADHD or.
(07:41):
Here's some questions for you.
Am I expecting my brain tofunction in a way that it simply
doesn't?
Right?
The classic example oh yeah,like in this one.
Right, okay, we're going tomeet for dinner at seven.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, cool, sounds good.
And we, just, like, are justtrusting your brain to remember.
You need to know yourself andyour ADHD well enough to know
(08:02):
and be honest with yourselfenough to know that's not
actually a very realistic thing,right?
If that is the case, if that'spart of your ADHD, is that you
probably won't remember, okay,well then, don't expect yourself
to remember.
We need other systems, right?
How can I set myself up forsuccess instead of just hoping
that I will remember?
So a couple of tips here.
(08:24):
You, you need to use externalreminders, right?
Alarms, calendars, sticky notes, instead of just trusting your
memory.
Another thing with this, too, isyou need to plan buffer time.
Okay, you need to if you needto, like.
Don't just assume, right, so,seven o'clock, that means that I
(08:46):
need to.
Well, if I hit every singlegreen light on the way to the
restaurant, then I'll be okay,right?
No, no, no.
Set yourself some buffer time,give yourself extra Right, and I
would say, give yourselfpotentially more than you think
you're going to need.
That would be very important,okay.
More than you think you'regoing to need, that would be
very important, okay, but all ofthat, like you need Basically
(09:07):
what you actually need,no-transcript.
So when your partner isfrustrated with you because of
something that has happenedbecause of ADHD, the thing you
need to realize is am I willingto own this, not beat yourself
up over it?
That's different, right.
When you mess up and you make amistake, you, though you're
(09:40):
trying your best, totally get it.
But what's interesting that Ihave noticed is that if you own
it, be like yep, nope, I waslate.
I yep, that's on me.
Then it diffuses things veryquickly.
That's on me, then it diffusesthings very quickly, right.
So taking ownership and takingresponsibility for making sure
this kind of thing doesn'thappen again, or at least is
(10:01):
less likely to happen again, isalso important, right.
In fact, it's so important.
So the defensiveness thing hereis so easy to fall into for
people with ADHD.
And again, assume goodintentions.
Easy to fall into for peoplewith ADHD.
And again, assume goodintentions, right.
Assume that she's like again,I'm coming from my perspective,
right, I think it's importantfor me, that I assume that she
(10:24):
is doing the best that she canand that she's genuinely
frustrated and that's valid.
You may very well think, wow,you really.
Uh, you ought to think aboutwhat it's like being in my head
and like I know that it'sfrustrating for you, but like,
what about for me?
But that's not in the moment.
It's not very helpful, right?
Because then it becomes the samething of like who's right and
(10:44):
who's wrong, and what you'relooking for is to have a good
relationship together and so youknow you can say something like
you know what.
I know that being late makesyou feel really unimportant.
I really struggle with timemanagement, but I want to be
better.
Can we come up with a systemthat helps me follow through?
The important thing here is youdon't want to again.
(11:08):
You want to validate and movetowards a solution, and
sometimes in the relationship,that solution is going to
involve your partner, butsometimes it won't, and I think
it's important to consider bothright.
So again, rule number oneassume good intentions.
Right.
So both partners are assuminggood intentions and focusing on
(11:31):
solutions instead of blame.
The ADHD builds habits forreliability and the non-ADHD
partner is acknowledging thatforgetfulness is not a lack of
love and care.
It's due to, again, aneurodevelopmental condition of
how their brain is wired.
Rule number one, right, is thatthen it's not it.
(11:55):
It doesn't become this like ohwell, it's me versus you, it's
hey, the two of us together aregoing to come up with ways where
your adhd doesn't like, derailand sabotage our relationship.
Okay, that's rule number one.
Rule number two is communicationneeds a system, not just good
(12:16):
intentions.
Good intentions are wonderful,but the problem is here's an
example, right.
So you've reminded your partnerthree times about an event,
they nod and say, yeah, yeah,mm-hmm, okay, I got it.
And then, when the day arrives,they've completely forgotten.
And you're just again like inthis situation maybe my wife is
frustrated and furious with meand they feel like, oh, we
talked about this three times,Right, but it's all been like
(12:39):
verbal conversations.
The issue is that, for theperson from ADHD, their
perspective might be somethinglike you know what, Like I swear
I heard them tell me, but thenmy brain just did not hold onto
that information and now they'reupset with me and I just feel
like a failure.
Meanwhile, my wife, in thissituation maybe, is thinking
(13:02):
something like you know what?
I feel like I have tomicromanage everything.
I feel like it's justexhausting that I have to keep
track of everything for both ofus, which is totally fair, right
.
So for the non-ADHD partnerpartner, here's a couple of
reflection questions.
Am I expecting them to rememberthings in a way that their
brain is not wired to do, andwould I rather be frustrated, or
(13:26):
would I rather set up a systemthat actually works?
You may need to change how youare communicating with your
partner around important thingsin order for this kind of thing
not to happen.
You may need to change yourapproach.
Okay, so, using tools, notnagging, because nagging doesn't
(13:48):
really work with ADHD, becauseit relies on working memory.
Right, instead, shifting yourfocus to expecting memory, to
from expecting memory to work tomaking sure that things are
written down.
Okay, I'm going to say thatagain, you want them to be
written down and you wantanything that is important to be
sent in multiple ways, using asystem that both of you use
(14:11):
together to coordinate things.
Okay, system that both of youuse together to coordinate
things, okay.
So again, you'll notice some ofthese things are similar for
the ADHD-er.
This is about you, if you do nothave the skills or tools to
keep track of all the stuff youneed to remember.
You need to start with that,right.
You need to find a system thatworks for you, that your partner
(14:33):
is connected to as well, if youdon't have right.
For example, if I'm talking tosomebody right now who you know
is like a parent of somebodywith ADHD or, sorry, a parent of
kids, right, you've got kids,maybe they've got ADHD.
You have ADHD, you're trying tomanage a family and everything
(14:54):
you need to be able to like.
Look at what tools do I have?
Do we have a shared Googlecalendar?
Do we have texts, emails,written stuff, whatever?
And that you have a system inplace where it's there.
And this is not about control,right, this is not about like,
oh, like, there's control andhow I live my life.
Like, no, no, no.
This is about you being morereliable.
That's the goal here.
(15:15):
Okay, so, with the communicationneeds to be in when organizing
your life together, you need asystem that you can have in
place, not just good intentions,because oh, yeah, yeah, I'll
remember, no, you won't like,right, but that's back to rule
number one.
We want to assume goodintentions, right and so from
each other, but we also need tohave a system in place so that
(15:38):
we are not having this sort oflike nagging thing that happens.
The goal, ultimately, is forthe individual with ADHD Well,
both of you, frankly, right, butlike for the individual with
ADHD to have a system in placewhere, with adhd, to have a
(15:59):
system in place where, whetherit's your phone or your journal
or your system or whatever it issticky notes something is in
place that, reliably, that isgoing to help you nag yourself
and you can be more reliable.
Does that make sense?
Okay, so the so, instead of onepartner feeling like a parent,
both partners use systems,systems that support ADHD brains
instead of fighting them.
(16:19):
That's rule number two.
So, rule number one assume goodintentions.
Rule number two communicationneeds a system.
Rule number three balanceenergy levels and needs.
Now, this one maybe doesn'tapply to everybody, right, but I
think it's important.
I think it's a good rule forlike relationships in general.
(16:57):
But classic example here, rightAgain.
Especially if you're dealingmore with like somebody who's
more of like the partner justkind of wants to relax.
Meanwhile the ADHD partner isrestless and needs some kind of
stimulation.
So one partner feels smotheredin this situation and the other
feels ignored, right?
Maybe the non-ADHD partner isfeeling like and this happens
pretty frequently sometimes islike, oh, I need to recharge,
like why can't they just sitstill?
Why can't we just have like anice quiet evening?
Meanwhile, the the morehyperactive partner is feeling
(17:18):
like, ah, like I just need to bemoving.
Or like, can we go do somethingfun?
I I'm, I just, I'm feelingantsy here sitting at home.
It feels awful.
Why don't they want to dosomething with me interesting
there?
Right?
Going back to the intentions,assume good intentions.
This is not that your partner,mr adhd, like if I'm talking
myself even right, like thisdoes not mean that your partner
(17:41):
doesn't love you.
It's just.
And it doesn't even mean thatyou can't have a good
relationship if, if you like tobe more active and she doesn't,
or vice versa, right?
This is about how do we findbalance.
And again, how do you balancethis?
Energy levels and needs Bothpeople's needs in the big
picture of life need to beconcerned or considered.
(18:05):
So for the non-ADHD partner,right?
Am I assuming my partner's needfor movement is about me?
How can I compromise withoutresentment, right?
You don't want to compromisethat in a way that leads to
resentment, right?
So if, if your partner is like,oh, come on, let's go do
something, let's go do something, and then you just agree to it,
well, I mean, you know like, ifyou agree to it sometimes and
(18:27):
you're actually okay with that,that's fine.
But if you're like, fine, we'llgo out again.
Or we'll go again right, andlike, really you want it to
relax.
Do not compromise on that,because it's going to lead to
resentment, or at least don't doit all the time.
There needs to be balance,right.
(18:49):
You need to understand thatoften people with ADHD thrive on
stimulation, and it's not justabout them ignoring you.
You want to plan structured funwhile protecting downtime.
So, for example, in thissituation the partner might say
something like you know what, Ineed a quiet night tonight, but
can we plan something fun fortomorrow?
I would love for that to.
You know what?
And again you sort of zoom outbig picture of life hey, you
(19:15):
know what, I just need a quietnight, but can we do something
tomorrow?
And then meanwhile the ADHD-ercan ask themselves you can ask
yourself something like this howcan I meet my need for
stimulation without overwhelmingmy partner?
Because that's actuallyimportant to think how are they
experiencing you right now, andthat is something that is not.
(19:38):
I mean, it could get into abigger thing.
About masking I know I'veprobably talked about this in
previous episodes, but maskingisn't always a bad thing, or at
least it's not.
There's an important differencebetween masking and like
self-awareness and beingconsiderate, and I think what
I'm advocating for is beingconsiderate.
How can I meet my own needswithout overwhelming my partner,
(19:59):
and what activities help meself-regulate when I feel
restless?
Right.
So find ways to self-stimulatewithout depending on your
partner all the time.
Right, maybe you're going to gofor a walk, or you're going to
go to the gym or whatever, andyou need to respect their need
for quiet and scheduleexcitement for another time,
right.
So, so you can't just placeexpectations that like they have
(20:24):
to do what you want to do.
Right, and that goes both ways.
Right, and sometimes you canfind a thing that meets in the
middle.
But you cannot like this powerstruggle thing that happens
where it starts becoming about.
Well, this is what I want, andthis is what I want and it's
like well, I mean, the realityis is, first, you don't need to
do everything together, but youdo want to do enough together
(20:44):
that you feel connected and soright.
So like, okay, well, I getrestless when I'm at home, or
I'm feeling restless tonight,maybe I'll go for a walk or I'll
go do something with friends orsomething while you relax, and
then we'll do something togethertomorrow, right, so both
partners are balancing adventurein this situation with rest,
(21:07):
okay, so we're balancing thosethings and it doesn't have to be
like a win lose, Right?
And, and it actually reminds me, this is tangential, but one of
the best things that my wifeand I ever did when we were
first together I don't know whatit was, but we had it in our
head that, uh, we couldn't get ababysitter.
We know some like teens andlike family, friends and things
(21:30):
like that, who could bebabysitters before my, before my
oldest was old enough tobabysit ourselves, right?
Or that we could leave our kidsat home with the oldest.
And one of the things that weused to do is that we could
leave our kids at home with theoldest.
And one of the things that weused to do is that we had it in
our heads that you only get ababysitter if you're going on a
date together.
And eventually we were like youknow what?
Why don't we just get ababysitter?
(21:51):
It's dnd night for me.
I'm going to hang out with theor gonna go do dnd, but my wife
actually wanted to go out fordinner with her friends and
we're like, well, whatever, justget a, get a thing, it'll be
fine.
So, uh, so it was okay.
So we did that and uh again, westill did stuff together and I
think that you do want to bemindful to not do everything
(22:14):
apart.
But eventually, right, uh, okay.
So that's that one rule numberfour manage emotional, emotional
intensity before it escalates.
So here's an example, right, soa casual disagreement turns into
a full-blown meltdown.
Maybe the adhd forgot somethingimportant like paying a bill or
picking up the kids.
Maybe the non-adhd brings it up, frustrated but calm at first,
(22:37):
and then, all of a sudden, theadhd right like.
All of a sudden the ADHD rightlike, all of a sudden, me in
this situation is just likesuper defensive and blows up,
and all of a sudden it's thishuge big thing.
Okay, both people end upfeeling misunderstood, unheard
and exhausted.
So from the partner'sperspective, they end up feeling
like they have to walk oneggshells and it's just
exhausting.
And why can't we ever talkabout things without drama.
(22:59):
Right, and this is a real thingis because, like, people with
adhd often have emotionregulation issues.
In other words, we often havebig feelings and uh, right, like
from from the adhd perspective.
Right, you could say like, ohman, it feels like my emotions
go from zero to a hundred and Ican't stop it and what like I
hate feeling this way.
And then, like my emotions gofrom zero to a hundred and I
(23:20):
can't stop it and what like Ihate feeling this way, and then,
like my partner just becomesdismissive and it just makes
everything worse.
Right, we could talk aboutrejection sensitivity built into
that as well.
Right, so for the non ADHDpartner, am I dismissing or
minimizing my partner's emotionsbecause they seem too intense?
Am I dismissing or minimizingmy partner's emotions because
(23:44):
they seem too intense?
This is something that I thinkif I'm pausing, I'm trying to
find the right words.
I think it requires a verynuanced and emotionally mature
approach in situations like this, because situations like this I
have seen in the past bemislabeled as abusive in the
past, be mislabeled as abusive,and I think that it can become
(24:04):
abusive and there are situationswhere it can be considered
abusive.
But I also think that peoplewith ADHD can just sometimes be
intense in a way that isunfamiliar to people who don't
have ADHD and this is not justan ADHD problem, right, but I
think that it's often somethingthat can happen.
So how can I validate theirfeelings without like buckling
(24:26):
or on my own stuff, but alsolike not escalating, right?
So this is, again, it requiresempathy and it requires nuance,
right?
So don't escalate.
Saying things like, oh, you'reoverreacting, or calm down will
only make the situation worse,right, and so that is something
you want to.
You don't want to escalate, youdon't want to invalidate, right
(24:49):
?
You want to validate theirfeelings before problem solving,
right?
And this is a good rule ingeneral is that you want to
validate feelings first and thatwe want to de-escalate.
Then you want to talk aboutproblem solving, because the
person has become irrational atthat point, your ADHD partner
(25:10):
has become irrational and youwant to, at the very least,
validate the situation.
Having said that as well,sometimes it's important to give
space when needed.
If your partner needs a break,respect it.
This is, this is so.
Don't chase them if they sayyou know what?
I don't want to talk about thisright now.
I, I need to take a break.
(25:31):
Don't chase them.
Okay, I say something like Isee you're upset, can we like
take a breath, take a breather,maybe cool off, and then can we
talk about this breath, take abreather, maybe cool off, and
then can we talk about thislater, when we're both ready.
Don't just say like, ah, wecan't talk about this, and then
stonewall, that's not gonna help, that's sweeping it under the
rug, it's just gonna fester.
But it's okay to calm thingsdown right.
(25:53):
As for the adhd, here you wantto ask yourself how do I
recognize when I am dysregulatedbefore it's too late?
How do I recognize that and howcan I pause before my emotions
take over?
There's a lot of great stuffwith mindfulness.
You know we talked aboutmindfulness in the last episode,
but I think in general, stayinggrounded, right.
(26:14):
So you need to recognizeemotional flooding because
emotions hit hard and fast.
So you need to recognizeemotional flooding because
emotions hit hard and fast, andsometimes you need to recognize,
maybe physically, what doesthat feel like for you?
What are the warning signs?
You want to use a pause strategy, right.
You want to use like, okay, I'mgoing to take a step back, how
(26:36):
do I feel?
I'm going to cool off, and it'sokay to even say you know what?
I'm feeling a little bitdefensive or I'm feeling a
little bit overwhelmed right now.
Um, and you want to?
Again, it's okay to ask for abreak, right?
You can say you know what?
Like, I need a few minutes tocalm down.
Uh, I want to talk about this,but I don't want to.
I don't want it to turn intosomething bigger, Okay.
(27:01):
So rule number four is all aboutemotion regulation and instead
of this constant cycle ofblow-ups and shutdowns and
bottling it up and those sortsof things, both partners
recognize warning signs and Ithink it's okay as well, by the
way, in a situation like this,for your partner to say, hey, uh
, are we what?
I'm noticing, you're a littleupset, like, can we cool off?
Can we talk about this later?
(27:21):
So you can go from there onthat one Next.
So this is that, that's it.
Number five play to yourstrengths as a team.
So this is something that youhave to do, again, with nuance
and, particularly for the ADHDpartner, don't take on
everything.
Okay, right, so that I knowthat.
(27:42):
That's the temptation and I'mgoing to be honest with you is
that in a lot of relationships,fairness and equality may need
to be something we rethink.
I'll talk about that in asecond Right.
So the ADHD are often likeforgetting bills, leaving dishes
unfinished, missing deadlines.
Meanwhile, the person with ADHDjust gets tired of being the
(28:02):
default responsible adult.
Right.
And in ADHD, the ADHD-er inturn just sort of feels like a
failure, feeling avoidant ordefensive or ashamed, and the
dynamic turns into somethingthat feels more like a
parent-child relationship.
So that's not ideal andespecially in a romantic
relationship that's also superunsexy sometimes, right.
(28:23):
And so the non-ADHD feels likeI have to do everything.
I don't want to remind them, Idon't want to be your parent.
So here's the thing, right.
So for the non-ADHD partner,here's a couple questions.
Number one am I assuming mypartner is careless or lazy when
(28:44):
they struggle?
Sounds familiar, right?
And can I accept help, even ifit looks different than how I do
it?
So a couple of things to thinkabout.
Let go of fair and focus onbalance.
So ADHD brains are not wiredfor consistency and instead of
forcing a 50-50 split, thinkabout who is naturally better at
(29:07):
what.
Okay, let them.
And again, we need to have thismindset that there are some
things that you are just waybetter at than your ADHD partner
.
And if you are going to offloadthat to them, you need to be
mindful of like, how much better?
Like am I setting us up forfailure here?
(29:28):
Right?
And if you do hand things over,you need to let them own their
tasks fully.
Micromanaging is only going to.
It's actually makes things lesslikely, makes us ADHDers less
likely to want to help.
If you're going to tell me, forexample, hey, you need to do the
dishwasher, great example.
Actually, I'll use myself as anexample.
(29:49):
My job, one of my jobs at home,is to do the cardboard and the
recycling.
Okay, now I guarantee you, ifmy wife had that job, she would
do it every week and that wewould have our recycling out on
the road every week and that itwouldn't collect in the garage
like a giant pile.
She would be doing it everyweek and it would be awesome.
(30:11):
But you have to let the persondo it their way.
You have to let the person doit their way, and so my way of
doing it is that I do it aboutevery two or three weeks because
it just shows up in my brain alittle bit more and I feel
motivated to do it when itstarts to get annoying that I
can't open the garage doorbecause the cardboard behind the
door is blocking it.
(30:32):
Right, that's how I would do itIf my wife insisted that I was
doing it every single week.
I would probably just feel veryfrustrated and overwhelmed, um,
and it would just cause tensionin our relationship.
If you ask your partner to loadthe dishwasher and then they
don't load it the way that youwould like to load it, you need
to let them do it the way thatthey are going to do it Right.
(30:53):
And and this is the thing isthat you have to actually and
they might take twice as longand they might not do it as
effectively but you have to askyourself are you what's better,
for them to do it the way thatyou would do it or for them to
like not do it at all?
And you have to actually likebe open to the fact that you are
a human being that doesn't wantto be a parent, so that's that
(31:18):
needs to be more important thanthem doing it perfectly as the
example right.
You want to be apparent, sothat's that needs to be more
important than them doing itperfectly as the example right.
You want to acknowledge effort,not just failure.
This is huge right.
If the only time you ever sayanything about what your partner
is doing is when they didn't doit right, it's so demotivating,
right.
And so it's important to, likeADHDers often, respond to
(31:49):
encouragement uh, instead ofjust, oh, you forgot this, again
you forgot.
But like, oh, hey, thanks forgetting that done Right.
Or feel like, yeah, you knowwhat I would like, really like
to do that, do it right.
If you're good at cooking butyou suck at paying bills, do the
cooking right, take over themeal planning, take over
whatever, right, but avoid thislike all or nothing thinking
Just because you forgotsomething doesn't mean that
(32:11):
you're a failure.
And if you need to use externalsupports, do that.
Don't just try harder, okay,this is another thing.
This try harder.
Nonsense needs to stop.
It's not a healthy way to dealwith it and it's not going to be
productive.
So I know that I struggle withfollow through.
So let's divide tasks right.
Divide tasks based on what youactually are good at, and that's
(32:36):
uh, and you know what, whatmaybe and this is like to the
non-adhd partner.
I will absolutely acknowledgeto you you know what you might
end up doing more than half.
That's probably true, like thatmight be the case I.
It's not always the case, butoften it is, and you need to be
able to have your own boundarieson things and you need to be
(32:56):
willing to compromise and totake a step back and think how
important is this relationshipto me?
The example that I that I oftengo to is again, that your
partner has neuro, aneurodevelopmental disorder,
adhd.
Their brain is wireddifferently in the same way that
somebody with autism.
Their brain is wireddifferently.
(33:17):
Okay, it's very similar, and sothe the example that I use with
this is like imagine that youwere in a relationship with a
partner who had a wheelchair andthey they were right.
Every time you got into the car,um, you were, uh, you were
(33:38):
frustrated that you had to putthe wheelchair in the car and
like, fair enough, absolutely,that's so frustrating.
But like, if this relationshipis going to work, you need to
let that go.
Right, you, if you are notwilling to be the person who
puts the wheelchair in the car,this relationship is not going
to work and that's okay.
(33:59):
But like, if you are in this,if you are actually going to sit
and commit to this, don'tresent the.
You would never resent theperson for having to put the
wheelchair in the car.
Right that would be.
That would be a thing that youand, frankly, you wouldn't.
If you needed to vent abouthaving to put the wheelchair in
the car, you would not.
Your partner is probably notthe right person to vent about
(34:20):
that too.
So instead of one person feelinglike they do all the work,
though, a couple dividesresponsibilities based on
strengths, not just expectations.
So the adhd is not micromanagedand the ad non-adhd partner is
not overwhelmed with all thestuff that needs to get done
needs to be communication andplaying things out so that you
(34:41):
can work as a team.
So those are the five rules forreview.
Rule number one assume goodintentions.
Rule number two communicationneeds a system.
Rule number three balanceenergy levels and needs.
Rule number four manageemotional intensity before it
escalates.
And rule number five play toyour strengths as a team.
(35:04):
So hopefully, this episode hasbeen helpful for you.
I think that these are somereally good rules to keep in
mind.
And again head over torechargepsychologycom.
If you have found this helpful.
If you want to work with me intherapy, I also have some free
resources as well, but otherwise, thank you so much for
(35:26):
listening and I will talk to younext time.
Bye.
Hey everybody, this is Zac and welcome to the first episode
of 2025 of the ADHD Real Talkpodcast.
I'm really excited abouttoday's episode because I think
that it's going to be first off.
It's about a very importanttopic that comes up a lot in my
counseling practice.
We get too far into thisactually.
(00:22):
Uh, do me a favor, go to uhrecharge psychologycom,
particularly if you are here inuh alberta.
Uh, I have, I'm a registeredpsychologist and a counseling
therapist specificallyspecializing in adhd, and I am
excited.
Uh, I currently have someopenings for new clients.
Uh, if you live in alber, youwant to either meet in person
(00:47):
here in Edmonton for one-on-onecounseling or, if you want,
virtual counseling throughoutAlberta.
I'm currently open to newclients, and so, if you are
interested in working with me,rechargepsychologycom is the
website and I'm excited to hearfrom you if you're looking for
(01:08):
that.
Today's episode is all aboutrelationships and what I've
tried to do with this is to tryand boil down some basic rules.
I've been married for coming upon 17 years this year to my
amazing patient, wonderful wifeHillary, years this year to my
(01:28):
amazing patient, wonderful wifeHillary, and there's a few rules
here that I think I've reallyboiled down to.
I think that are very helpfulfor me to keep in mind in my
relationship and like between meand my wife, and so that is
very helpful that I think thatwe're going to be able to do in
the future for you.
Hopefully it's helpful.
I don't know how, why I'mwording that so weirdly, but
let's get started.
(01:49):
I want to jump right into itbecause we've got some great
stuff here.
The goal of today is to giveyou five basic rules for
relationships, and each of theseare going to have a little bit.
I'm going to outline a littlebit of a common problem and then
understand what the rule is,and I'll give you the rule first
too.
Okay, so let's just jump rightin, because I don't want to
(02:09):
spend too much time wasting herewith all the chit chat.
Okay, so rule number one inrelationships we're going to
jump right into it is you wantto assume good intentions, not
malice.
It's very common inrelationships, if don't for the
non-ADHD partner, and for today,we're going to assume that we
have one partner who has ADHDand one partner who does not.
(02:32):
Okay, I know that there arecouples out there where both of
you have ADHD.
My guess is, if that's the case, there are going to be some of
these issues that still come up,because people's ADHD is always
a little bit different, right?
But we're going to talk abouteach of these and in the future
zac@rechargepsychology.
com you know, let me know , ifyou want an episode specifically
(02:54):
about like non or like ADHD,like relationships where both
have ADHD, right, we can talkabout that too, but I think that
these are still going to beuniversal.
Anyways, rule number one assumegood intentions.
So here's a classic example,right?
So it's date night, you'resupposed to be meeting for
(03:17):
dinner and, like, your non-ADHDpartner shows up on time but,
like the, adhd is nowhere to beseen.
Calls go unanswered All of asudden, like 20 after like,
respond to breathless andapologetic and oh my gosh, I
lost track of time, I mean.
So here's the thing.
Is that what's going on in thatsituation, first off, from the,
from the non-adhd partner'sperspective, is that, like man,
this keeps happening.
If you really cared, wouldn'tyou try harder?
(03:39):
You know, is this makes me feellike I'm not important to you?
Uh, meanwhile, the person withADHD often is feeling like, no,
no, no, really, I'd like Ididn't mean to be late, I was
just doing something and I losttrack of time and man, I was
just like I feel like I'm introuble, right?
Classic example, and it happensa lot, right, basically because
one of the things is that, like, people with ADHD often like
(04:02):
genuinely cannot keep track oftime, not that we're incapable
of doing it, but it's harder forus and our brain is not
necessarily wired that way.
So here's the thing.
First, again, using this likeassuming good intentions and not
malice, right, that is a reallyimportant piece to keep in mind
(04:25):
.
Genuinely, we are trying and Iknow that sometimes it doesn't
look like we're trying, right,and I know I'm coming from the
perspective of somebody who hasADHD, and so I want to make it
clear as we're going throughthese.
By the way, I am not at alltrying to invalidate the
frustration of the non-ADHDpartner.
Okay, I understand howfrustrating it is.
(04:47):
In fact, we're going to think alittle bit about here's a
couple of questions to to keepin mind in this situation.
Okay, is that you have to?
For the like number one, withthe, with the, the non, we'll
start with the non-ADHD partnerin each of these.
Okay, for the non-ADHD partner,it's these.
Okay.
For the non-ADHD partner.
It's very important to askyourself a couple of questions.
(05:09):
Am I assuming that theirforgetfulness is because they
don't care in this situation andI'm using forgetfulness, but I
am assuming that they're doingwhatever they're doing because
they don't care?
And another important questionis would I rather be right or
would I rather try to find a wayforward together?
I understand, because thereality is is that in a
(05:31):
situation like this, where theperson is doing something or
isn't doing something they saidthey would do or they you know
situations like this that comeup you need to understand that
forgetfulness in this particularsituation is not neglect, it's
ADHD.
I want to say that again.
Forgetfulness is not neglect.
(05:51):
This is part of their brainwiring and neurodevelopmental
difficulties.
So don't take it personal.
I think is the important thing.
It's valid, your frustration isvalid and we're going to get to
the ADHD partner in a second,but it's not about neglect and
it's important to take that inmind.
Instead of taking it personally, we really want to be looking
(06:14):
for solutions and not justdwelling on the problem, and
this is just in relationships ingeneral.
The more you sit and dwell onthe problem and just repeat it
over and over again, again.
Here's what the problem is.
It's really overwhelming forpeople with adhd.
They've been doing this theirwhole life.
I, I know for myself, right,like in situations like this.
I, I've been doing this mywhole life and I sure wish I
(06:37):
wasn't.
Um, and frankly, I'm better atit than I used to be right, but
it happens sometimes.
So it's important again for thenon-ADHD partner assume good
intentions, not maliciousintentions.
They didn't mean to do thisright, and so it's important to
express your feelings withoutaccusation and focus on the
(06:59):
impact that it's having and notthe blame.
So, for example, you could saysomething like I know you don't
mean to be late, but when ithappens it makes me feel
unimportant.
So how can we work together tomake this better?
It's really valuable how thisis worded right.
I know you don't mean to belate.
In other words, you'reacknowledging where they're
(07:21):
coming from, but you're stillmaking it clear how this is
making you feel, and thenimmediately we're pivoting to
how can we make it work better?
That's the.
That's really what we're tryingto do in the first place,
anyways.
Okay, so that's for the ADHDpartner, for the not, or, sorry,
for the non ADHD partner, forthe ADHD or.
(07:41):
Here's some questions for you.
Am I expecting my brain tofunction in a way that it simply
doesn't?
Right?
The classic example oh yeah,like in this one.
Right, okay, we're going tomeet for dinner at seven.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, cool, sounds good.
And we, just, like, are justtrusting your brain to remember.
You need to know yourself andyour ADHD well enough to know
(08:02):
and be honest with yourselfenough to know that's not
actually a very realistic thing,right?
If that is the case, if that'spart of your ADHD, is that you
probably won't remember, okay,well then, don't expect yourself
to remember.
We need other systems, right?
How can I set myself up forsuccess instead of just hoping
that I will remember?
So a couple of tips here.
(08:24):
You, you need to use externalreminders, right?
Alarms, calendars, sticky notes, instead of just trusting your
memory.
Another thing with this, too, isyou need to plan buffer time.
Okay, you need to if you needto, like.
Don't just assume, right, so,seven o'clock, that means that I
(08:46):
need to.
Well, if I hit every singlegreen light on the way to the
restaurant, then I'll be okay,right?
No, no, no.
Set yourself some buffer time,give yourself extra Right, and I
would say, give yourselfpotentially more than you think
you're going to need.
That would be very important,okay.
More than you think you'regoing to need, that would be
very important, okay, but all ofthat, like you need Basically
(09:07):
what you actually need,no-transcript.
So when your partner isfrustrated with you because of
something that has happenedbecause of ADHD, the thing you
need to realize is am I willingto own this, not beat yourself
up over it?
That's different, right.
When you mess up and you make amistake, you, though you're
(09:40):
trying your best, totally get it.
But what's interesting that Ihave noticed is that if you own
it, be like yep, nope, I waslate.
I yep, that's on me.
Then it diffuses things veryquickly.
That's on me, then it diffusesthings very quickly, right.
So taking ownership and takingresponsibility for making sure
this kind of thing doesn'thappen again, or at least is
(10:01):
less likely to happen again, isalso important, right.
In fact, it's so important.
So the defensiveness thing hereis so easy to fall into for
people with ADHD.
And again, assume goodintentions.
Easy to fall into for peoplewith ADHD.
And again, assume goodintentions, right.
Assume that she's like again,I'm coming from my perspective,
right, I think it's importantfor me, that I assume that she
(10:24):
is doing the best that she canand that she's genuinely
frustrated and that's valid.
You may very well think, wow,you really.
Uh, you ought to think aboutwhat it's like being in my head
and like I know that it'sfrustrating for you, but like,
what about for me?
But that's not in the moment.
It's not very helpful, right?
Because then it becomes the samething of like who's right and
(10:44):
who's wrong, and what you'relooking for is to have a good
relationship together and so youknow you can say something like
you know what.
I know that being late makesyou feel really unimportant.
I really struggle with timemanagement, but I want to be
better.
Can we come up with a systemthat helps me follow through?
The important thing here is youdon't want to again.
(11:08):
You want to validate and movetowards a solution, and
sometimes in the relationship,that solution is going to
involve your partner, butsometimes it won't, and I think
it's important to consider bothright.
So again, rule number oneassume good intentions.
Right.
So both partners are assuminggood intentions and focusing on
(11:31):
solutions instead of blame.
The ADHD builds habits forreliability and the non-ADHD
partner is acknowledging thatforgetfulness is not a lack of
love and care.
It's due to, again, aneurodevelopmental condition of
how their brain is wired.
Rule number one, right, is thatthen it's not it.
(11:55):
It doesn't become this like ohwell, it's me versus you, it's
hey, the two of us together aregoing to come up with ways where
your adhd doesn't like, derailand sabotage our relationship.
Okay, that's rule number one.
Rule number two is communicationneeds a system, not just good
(12:16):
intentions.
Good intentions are wonderful,but the problem is here's an
example, right.
So you've reminded your partnerthree times about an event,
they nod and say, yeah, yeah,mm-hmm, okay, I got it.
And then, when the day arrives,they've completely forgotten.
And you're just again like inthis situation maybe my wife is
frustrated and furious with meand they feel like, oh, we
talked about this three times,Right, but it's all been like
(12:39):
verbal conversations.
The issue is that, for theperson from ADHD, their
perspective might be somethinglike you know what, Like I swear
I heard them tell me, but thenmy brain just did not hold onto
that information and now they'reupset with me and I just feel
like a failure.
Meanwhile, my wife, in thissituation maybe, is thinking
(13:02):
something like you know what?
I feel like I have tomicromanage everything.
I feel like it's justexhausting that I have to keep
track of everything for both ofus, which is totally fair, right
.
So for the non-ADHD partnerpartner, here's a couple of
reflection questions.
Am I expecting them to rememberthings in a way that their
brain is not wired to do, andwould I rather be frustrated, or
(13:26):
would I rather set up a systemthat actually works?
You may need to change how youare communicating with your
partner around important thingsin order for this kind of thing
not to happen.
You may need to change yourapproach.
Okay, so, using tools, notnagging, because nagging doesn't
(13:48):
really work with ADHD, becauseit relies on working memory.
Right, instead, shifting yourfocus to expecting memory, to
from expecting memory to work tomaking sure that things are
written down.
Okay, I'm going to say thatagain, you want them to be
written down and you wantanything that is important to be
sent in multiple ways, using asystem that both of you use
(14:11):
together to coordinate things.
Okay, system that both of youuse together to coordinate
things, okay.
So again, you'll notice some ofthese things are similar for
the ADHD-er.
This is about you, if you do nothave the skills or tools to
keep track of all the stuff youneed to remember.
You need to start with that,right.
You need to find a system thatworks for you, that your partner
(14:33):
is connected to as well, if youdon't have right.
For example, if I'm talking tosomebody right now who you know
is like a parent of somebodywith ADHD or, sorry, a parent of
kids, right, you've got kids,maybe they've got ADHD.
You have ADHD, you're trying tomanage a family and everything
(14:54):
you need to be able to like.
Look at what tools do I have?
Do we have a shared Googlecalendar?
Do we have texts, emails,written stuff, whatever?
And that you have a system inplace where it's there.
And this is not about control,right, this is not about like,
oh, like, there's control andhow I live my life.
Like, no, no, no.
This is about you being morereliable.
That's the goal here.
(15:15):
Okay, so, with the communicationneeds to be in when organizing
your life together, you need asystem that you can have in
place, not just good intentions,because oh, yeah, yeah, I'll
remember, no, you won't like,right, but that's back to rule
number one.
We want to assume goodintentions, right and so from
each other, but we also need tohave a system in place so that
(15:38):
we are not having this sort oflike nagging thing that happens.
The goal, ultimately, is forthe individual with ADHD Well,
both of you, frankly, right, butlike for the individual with
ADHD to have a system in placewhere, with adhd, to have a
(15:59):
system in place where, whetherit's your phone or your journal
or your system or whatever it issticky notes something is in
place that, reliably, that isgoing to help you nag yourself
and you can be more reliable.
Does that make sense?
Okay, so the so, instead of onepartner feeling like a parent,
both partners use systems,systems that support ADHD brains
instead of fighting them.
(16:19):
That's rule number two.
So, rule number one assume goodintentions.
Rule number two communicationneeds a system.
Rule number three balanceenergy levels and needs.
Now, this one maybe doesn'tapply to everybody, right, but I
think it's important.
I think it's a good rule forlike relationships in general.
(16:57):
But classic example here, rightAgain.
Especially if you're dealingmore with like somebody who's
more of like the partner justkind of wants to relax.
Meanwhile the ADHD partner isrestless and needs some kind of
stimulation.
So one partner feels smotheredin this situation and the other
feels ignored, right?
Maybe the non-ADHD partner isfeeling like and this happens
pretty frequently sometimes islike, oh, I need to recharge,
like why can't they just sitstill?
Why can't we just have like anice quiet evening?
Meanwhile, the the morehyperactive partner is feeling
(17:18):
like, ah, like I just need to bemoving.
Or like, can we go do somethingfun?
I I'm, I just, I'm feelingantsy here sitting at home.
It feels awful.
Why don't they want to dosomething with me interesting
there?
Right?
Going back to the intentions,assume good intentions.
This is not that your partner,mr adhd, like if I'm talking
myself even right, like thisdoes not mean that your partner
(17:41):
doesn't love you.
It's just.
And it doesn't even mean thatyou can't have a good
relationship if, if you like tobe more active and she doesn't,
or vice versa, right?
This is about how do we findbalance.
And again, how do you balancethis?
Energy levels and needs Bothpeople's needs in the big
picture of life need to beconcerned or considered.
(18:05):
So for the non-ADHD partner,right?
Am I assuming my partner's needfor movement is about me?
How can I compromise withoutresentment, right?
You don't want to compromisethat in a way that leads to
resentment, right?
So if, if your partner is like,oh, come on, let's go do
something, let's go do something, and then you just agree to it,
well, I mean, you know like, ifyou agree to it sometimes and
(18:27):
you're actually okay with that,that's fine.
But if you're like, fine, we'llgo out again.
Or we'll go again right, andlike, really you want it to
relax.
Do not compromise on that,because it's going to lead to
resentment, or at least don't doit all the time.
There needs to be balance,right.
(18:49):
You need to understand thatoften people with ADHD thrive on
stimulation, and it's not justabout them ignoring you.
You want to plan structured funwhile protecting downtime.
So, for example, in thissituation the partner might say
something like you know what, Ineed a quiet night tonight, but
can we plan something fun fortomorrow?
I would love for that to.
You know what?
And again you sort of zoom outbig picture of life hey, you
(19:15):
know what, I just need a quietnight, but can we do something
tomorrow?
And then meanwhile the ADHD-ercan ask themselves you can ask
yourself something like this howcan I meet my need for
stimulation without overwhelmingmy partner?
Because that's actuallyimportant to think how are they
experiencing you right now, andthat is something that is not.
(19:38):
I mean, it could get into abigger thing.
About masking I know I'veprobably talked about this in
previous episodes, but maskingisn't always a bad thing, or at
least it's not.
There's an important differencebetween masking and like
self-awareness and beingconsiderate, and I think what
I'm advocating for is beingconsiderate.
How can I meet my own needswithout overwhelming my partner,
(19:59):
and what activities help meself-regulate when I feel
restless?
Right.
So find ways to self-stimulatewithout depending on your
partner all the time.
Right, maybe you're going to gofor a walk, or you're going to
go to the gym or whatever, andyou need to respect their need
for quiet and scheduleexcitement for another time,
right.
So, so you can't just placeexpectations that like they have
(20:24):
to do what you want to do.
Right, and that goes both ways.
Right, and sometimes you canfind a thing that meets in the
middle.
But you cannot like this powerstruggle thing that happens
where it starts becoming about.
Well, this is what I want, andthis is what I want and it's
like well, I mean, the realityis is, first, you don't need to
do everything together, but youdo want to do enough together
(20:44):
that you feel connected and soright.
So like, okay, well, I getrestless when I'm at home, or
I'm feeling restless tonight,maybe I'll go for a walk or I'll
go do something with friends orsomething while you relax, and
then we'll do something togethertomorrow, right, so both
partners are balancing adventurein this situation with rest,
(21:07):
okay, so we're balancing thosethings and it doesn't have to be
like a win lose, Right?
And, and it actually reminds me, this is tangential, but one of
the best things that my wifeand I ever did when we were
first together I don't know whatit was, but we had it in our
head that, uh, we couldn't get ababysitter.
We know some like teens andlike family, friends and things
(21:30):
like that, who could bebabysitters before my, before my
oldest was old enough tobabysit ourselves, right?
Or that we could leave our kidsat home with the oldest.
And one of the things that weused to do is that we could
leave our kids at home with theoldest.
And one of the things that weused to do is that we had it in
our heads that you only get ababysitter if you're going on a
date together.
And eventually we were like youknow what?
Why don't we just get ababysitter?
(21:51):
It's dnd night for me.
I'm going to hang out with theor gonna go do dnd, but my wife
actually wanted to go out fordinner with her friends and
we're like, well, whatever, justget a, get a thing, it'll be
fine.
So, uh, so it was okay.
So we did that and uh again, westill did stuff together and I
think that you do want to bemindful to not do everything
(22:14):
apart.
But eventually, right, uh, okay.
So that's that one rule numberfour manage emotional, emotional
intensity before it escalates.
So here's an example, right, soa casual disagreement turns into
a full-blown meltdown.
Maybe the adhd forgot somethingimportant like paying a bill or
picking up the kids.
Maybe the non-adhd brings it up, frustrated but calm at first,
(22:37):
and then, all of a sudden, theadhd right like.
All of a sudden the ADHD rightlike, all of a sudden, me in
this situation is just likesuper defensive and blows up,
and all of a sudden it's thishuge big thing.
Okay, both people end upfeeling misunderstood, unheard
and exhausted.
So from the partner'sperspective, they end up feeling
like they have to walk oneggshells and it's just
exhausting.
And why can't we ever talkabout things without drama.
(22:59):
Right, and this is a real thingis because, like, people with
adhd often have emotionregulation issues.
In other words, we often havebig feelings and uh, right, like
from from the adhd perspective.
Right, you could say like, ohman, it feels like my emotions
go from zero to a hundred and Ican't stop it and what like I
hate feeling this way.
And then, like my emotions gofrom zero to a hundred and I
(23:20):
can't stop it and what like Ihate feeling this way, and then,
like my partner just becomesdismissive and it just makes
everything worse.
Right, we could talk aboutrejection sensitivity built into
that as well.
Right, so for the non ADHDpartner, am I dismissing or
minimizing my partner's emotionsbecause they seem too intense?
Am I dismissing or minimizingmy partner's emotions because
(23:44):
they seem too intense?
This is something that I thinkif I'm pausing, I'm trying to
find the right words.
I think it requires a verynuanced and emotionally mature
approach in situations like this, because situations like this I
have seen in the past bemislabeled as abusive in the
past, be mislabeled as abusive,and I think that it can become
(24:04):
abusive and there are situationswhere it can be considered
abusive.
But I also think that peoplewith ADHD can just sometimes be
intense in a way that isunfamiliar to people who don't
have ADHD and this is not justan ADHD problem, right, but I
think that it's often somethingthat can happen.
So how can I validate theirfeelings without like buckling
(24:26):
or on my own stuff, but alsolike not escalating, right?
So this is, again, it requiresempathy and it requires nuance,
right?
So don't escalate.
Saying things like, oh, you'reoverreacting, or calm down will
only make the situation worse,right, and so that is something
you want to.
You don't want to escalate, youdon't want to invalidate, right
(24:49):
?
You want to validate theirfeelings before problem solving,
right?
And this is a good rule ingeneral is that you want to
validate feelings first and thatwe want to de-escalate.
Then you want to talk aboutproblem solving, because the
person has become irrational atthat point, your ADHD partner
(25:10):
has become irrational and youwant to, at the very least,
validate the situation.
Having said that as well,sometimes it's important to give
space when needed.
If your partner needs a break,respect it.
This is, this is so.
Don't chase them if they sayyou know what?
I don't want to talk about thisright now.
I, I need to take a break.
(25:31):
Don't chase them.
Okay, I say something like Isee you're upset, can we like
take a breath, take a breather,maybe cool off, and then can we
talk about this breath, take abreather, maybe cool off, and
then can we talk about thislater, when we're both ready.
Don't just say like, ah, wecan't talk about this, and then
stonewall, that's not gonna help, that's sweeping it under the
rug, it's just gonna fester.
But it's okay to calm thingsdown right.
(25:53):
As for the adhd, here you wantto ask yourself how do I
recognize when I am dysregulatedbefore it's too late?
How do I recognize that and howcan I pause before my emotions
take over?
There's a lot of great stuffwith mindfulness.
You know we talked aboutmindfulness in the last episode,
but I think in general, stayinggrounded, right.
(26:14):
So you need to recognizeemotional flooding because
emotions hit hard and fast.
So you need to recognizeemotional flooding because
emotions hit hard and fast, andsometimes you need to recognize,
maybe physically, what doesthat feel like for you?
What are the warning signs?
You want to use a pause strategy, right.
You want to use like, okay, I'mgoing to take a step back, how
(26:36):
do I feel?
I'm going to cool off, and it'sokay to even say you know what?
I'm feeling a little bitdefensive or I'm feeling a
little bit overwhelmed right now.
Um, and you want to?
Again, it's okay to ask for abreak, right?
You can say you know what?
Like, I need a few minutes tocalm down.
Uh, I want to talk about this,but I don't want to.
I don't want it to turn intosomething bigger, Okay.
(27:01):
So rule number four is all aboutemotion regulation and instead
of this constant cycle ofblow-ups and shutdowns and
bottling it up and those sortsof things, both partners
recognize warning signs and Ithink it's okay as well, by the
way, in a situation like this,for your partner to say, hey, uh
, are we what?
I'm noticing, you're a littleupset, like, can we cool off?
Can we talk about this later?
(27:21):
So you can go from there onthat one Next.
So this is that, that's it.
Number five play to yourstrengths as a team.
So this is something that youhave to do, again, with nuance
and, particularly for the ADHDpartner, don't take on
everything.
Okay, right, so that I knowthat.
(27:42):
That's the temptation and I'mgoing to be honest with you is
that in a lot of relationships,fairness and equality may need
to be something we rethink.
I'll talk about that in asecond Right.
So the ADHD are often likeforgetting bills, leaving dishes
unfinished, missing deadlines.
Meanwhile, the person with ADHDjust gets tired of being the
(28:02):
default responsible adult.
Right.
And in ADHD, the ADHD-er inturn just sort of feels like a
failure, feeling avoidant ordefensive or ashamed, and the
dynamic turns into somethingthat feels more like a
parent-child relationship.
So that's not ideal andespecially in a romantic
relationship that's also superunsexy sometimes, right.
(28:23):
And so the non-ADHD feels likeI have to do everything.
I don't want to remind them, Idon't want to be your parent.
So here's the thing, right.
So for the non-ADHD partner,here's a couple questions.
Number one am I assuming mypartner is careless or lazy when
(28:44):
they struggle?
Sounds familiar, right?
And can I accept help, even ifit looks different than how I do
it?
So a couple of things to thinkabout.
Let go of fair and focus onbalance.
So ADHD brains are not wiredfor consistency and instead of
forcing a 50-50 split, thinkabout who is naturally better at
(29:07):
what.
Okay, let them.
And again, we need to have thismindset that there are some
things that you are just waybetter at than your ADHD partner
.
And if you are going to offloadthat to them, you need to be
mindful of like, how much better?
Like am I setting us up forfailure here?
(29:28):
Right?
And if you do hand things over,you need to let them own their
tasks fully.
Micromanaging is only going to.
It's actually makes things lesslikely, makes us ADHDers less
likely to want to help.
If you're going to tell me, forexample, hey, you need to do the
dishwasher, great example.
Actually, I'll use myself as anexample.
(29:49):
My job, one of my jobs at home,is to do the cardboard and the
recycling.
Okay, now I guarantee you, ifmy wife had that job, she would
do it every week and that wewould have our recycling out on
the road every week and that itwouldn't collect in the garage
like a giant pile.
She would be doing it everyweek and it would be awesome.
(30:11):
But you have to let the persondo it their way.
You have to let the person doit their way, and so my way of
doing it is that I do it aboutevery two or three weeks because
it just shows up in my brain alittle bit more and I feel
motivated to do it when itstarts to get annoying that I
can't open the garage doorbecause the cardboard behind the
door is blocking it.
(30:32):
Right, that's how I would do itIf my wife insisted that I was
doing it every single week.
I would probably just feel veryfrustrated and overwhelmed, um,
and it would just cause tensionin our relationship.
If you ask your partner to loadthe dishwasher and then they
don't load it the way that youwould like to load it, you need
to let them do it the way thatthey are going to do it Right.
(30:53):
And and this is the thing isthat you have to actually and
they might take twice as longand they might not do it as
effectively but you have to askyourself are you what's better,
for them to do it the way thatyou would do it or for them to
like not do it at all?
And you have to actually likebe open to the fact that you are
a human being that doesn't wantto be a parent, so that's that
(31:18):
needs to be more important thanthem doing it perfectly as the
example right.
You want to be apparent, sothat's that needs to be more
important than them doing itperfectly as the example right.
You want to acknowledge effort,not just failure.
This is huge right.
If the only time you ever sayanything about what your partner
is doing is when they didn't doit right, it's so demotivating,
right.
And so it's important to, likeADHDers often, respond to
(31:49):
encouragement uh, instead ofjust, oh, you forgot this, again
you forgot.
But like, oh, hey, thanks forgetting that done Right.
Or feel like, yeah, you knowwhat I would like, really like
to do that, do it right.
If you're good at cooking butyou suck at paying bills, do the
cooking right, take over themeal planning, take over
whatever, right, but avoid thislike all or nothing thinking
Just because you forgotsomething doesn't mean that
(32:11):
you're a failure.
And if you need to use externalsupports, do that.
Don't just try harder, okay,this is another thing.
This try harder.
Nonsense needs to stop.
It's not a healthy way to dealwith it and it's not going to be
productive.
So I know that I struggle withfollow through.
So let's divide tasks right.
Divide tasks based on what youactually are good at, and that's
(32:36):
uh, and you know what, whatmaybe and this is like to the
non-adhd partner.
I will absolutely acknowledgeto you you know what you might
end up doing more than half.
That's probably true, like thatmight be the case I.
It's not always the case, butoften it is, and you need to be
able to have your own boundarieson things and you need to be
(32:56):
willing to compromise and totake a step back and think how
important is this relationshipto me?
The example that I that I oftengo to is again, that your
partner has neuro, aneurodevelopmental disorder,
adhd.
Their brain is wireddifferently in the same way that
somebody with autism.
Their brain is wireddifferently.
(33:17):
Okay, it's very similar, and sothe the example that I use with
this is like imagine that youwere in a relationship with a
partner who had a wheelchair andthey they were right.
Every time you got into the car,um, you were, uh, you were
(33:38):
frustrated that you had to putthe wheelchair in the car and
like, fair enough, absolutely,that's so frustrating.
But like, if this relationshipis going to work, you need to
let that go.
Right, you, if you are notwilling to be the person who
puts the wheelchair in the car,this relationship is not going
to work and that's okay.
(33:59):
But like, if you are in this,if you are actually going to sit
and commit to this, don'tresent the.
You would never resent theperson for having to put the
wheelchair in the car.
Right that would be.
That would be a thing that youand, frankly, you wouldn't.
If you needed to vent abouthaving to put the wheelchair in
the car, you would not.
Your partner is probably notthe right person to vent about
(34:20):
that too.
So instead of one person feelinglike they do all the work,
though, a couple dividesresponsibilities based on
strengths, not just expectations.
So the adhd is not micromanagedand the ad non-adhd partner is
not overwhelmed with all thestuff that needs to get done
needs to be communication andplaying things out so that you
(34:41):
can work as a team.
So those are the five rules forreview.
Rule number one assume goodintentions.
Rule number two communicationneeds a system.
Rule number three balanceenergy levels and needs.
Rule number four manageemotional intensity before it
escalates.
And rule number five play toyour strengths as a team.
(35:04):
So hopefully, this episode hasbeen helpful for you.
I think that these are somereally good rules to keep in
mind.
And again head over torechargepsychologycom.
If you have found this helpful.
If you want to work with me intherapy, I also have some free
resources as well, but otherwise, thank you so much for
(35:26):
listening and I will talk to younext time.
Bye.
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