Holiday Tips and Care Planning for Dementia Caregivers: Simple Strategies for a More Peaceful Season
November 25, 2025 • 24 mins
Thanksgiving and other holidays can be especially challenging for caregivers and families managing dementia and elder care. In this episode of Advice From Your Advocates, Board-Certified Elder Law Attorney Bob Mannor joins Executive Director Savannah Meksto, Certified Dementia Practitioner, to discuss caregiving during the holidays with practical elder care strategies and care planning advice.
They explore how caregivers can reduce overwhelm, manage emotional overload, and create meaningful connections even as traditions evolve. Topics include handling dementia-related changes in family gatherings, dealing with sundowning and overstimulation, coordinating caregiving shifts, and simplifying meal planning during the holidays.
Long-term care planning, Medicaid options, and protecting assets are also covered to help families find peace of mind in uncertain times. This episode is a comforting and informative resource for caregivers, family members, and elder care professionals navigating the complexities of caregiving during the holiday season.
Need help with dementia care or long-term care planning? Visit mannorlawgroup.com or call 800-990-6030 for trusted support.
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ABOUT US:
Mannor Law Group helps clients in all matters of estate planning and elder law including special needs planning, veterans’ benefits, Medicaid planning, estate administration, and more. We offer guidance through all stages of life.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
You're listening to Advice from Your Advocates, a
(00:02):
show where we provide elder lawadvice to professionals who work
with the elderly and theirfamilies.
Welcome back to Advice from YourAdvocates on 103.9 The Fox.
I'm Savannah Mexto, certifieddementia practitioner and
executive director here atManner Law Group.
Today we're talking aboutsomething so many listeners can
relate to.
How Thanksgiving changes whenyou're caring for someone you
(00:24):
love.
And joining me, as always, isthe Elder Law and Estate
Planning Expert You Know andTrust, Attorney Bob Manner.
SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
Well, Savannah, happy holidays.
SPEAKER_02 (00:33):
Thanks, Bob.
SPEAKER_00 (00:34):
I think this is a really important time of the
year for caregiving becausesometimes we are not aware of
what's going on with our parentsbecause, you know, life.
And so when we come home forThanksgiving or come home for
Christmas, this becomes a bigissue, and we realize maybe
things aren't as good as we hadhoped they would be.
SPEAKER_02 (00:57):
Yeah, absolutely.
It's a a harsh reality and it'salways so much more present at
the holidays because I thinkeverything is always just so
much more present at theholidays, the good and the bad.
SPEAKER_00 (01:08):
And you know, even I've read this statistic that a
lot of people die in January orat the end of December.
Yeah.
Because they, for whateverreason, they, you know, are
looking forward to the holidays.
And so it's something that wewant to be aware of for our
parents.
SPEAKER_02 (01:27):
Absolutely.
And when you're a caregiver andyou're suddenly put into that
new role, whether you're aspouse or you're a child, an
adult child caregiving now foryour parent, the holidays might
not look like the traditionalpicture perfect Thanksgiving or
Christmas card that you used toremember, especially when
dementia or just illness or evenjust aging shift what's
(01:50):
possible.
You know, it's just not thesame.
And Bob, you work with so manycaregivers this time of year.
What sort of things do you seehappening for the clients that
that you meet with during theholidays?
SPEAKER_00 (02:02):
So I actually have a personal story about this
because my mom had Alzheimer'sand we'd go over for Christmas,
and she wasn't always, you know,it was it was something we
always did every year.
We'd go to their house forChristmas, and it wasn't always,
you know, it changed after shehad gotten to a certain point in
her Alzheimer's.
And we realized this, and myfamily adjusted accordingly,
(02:26):
that we realized that she canonly take so many hours of of
family.
And so we would have a beginningand an end, which was never
anything we ever did before.
My family, it's funny, my wifeuh makes fun of us because we
never have the like reallyscheduled family events.
We just show up whenever we showup and end whenever we want to
(02:48):
end.
And then it got to the pointwhere my mom needed structure,
right?
And so we had to have an end.
And the ra the reason was she'dget to the point where, you
know, and it's in her house,right?
And she would say, I need to gohome now.
And she was home.
But there was all these people,and it was too much for her.
(03:09):
It was more than she couldtolerate at the time.
And so we realized that it wasbetter to schedule we're gonna
be there from this hour to thishour.
We noticed one of the thingsthat was uncomfortable for her
was when she saw it get darkoutside, she could recognize
those triggers of okay, it'stime for me to go home.
(03:32):
Now she was home, but she neededthat we needed to end the party
at that time.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Yeah, I think that's something that a lot of families
have experienced.
I actually can have a similarexperience.
I was raised by my grandparents,as I've mentioned before on the
show, and my grandfather wasdiagnosed with dementia when I
was in, I think, ninth grade.
And so I became one of hiscaregivers.
You know, it was me and mygrandma and an aunt and an
(03:57):
uncle.
And it was quite similar, onlyhe he, you know, we loved my
grandfather, still do very much.
He was a grumpy old man evenbefore he had dementia.
And so same thing.
When he was done, he was done.
And and he would just start, um,you know, he would get a little
grumpy and be like, okay, well,I think it's time.
We're we're we're done.
And so I think a lot of familiescan have that that sort of shift
(04:18):
in the holidays again, it justit amplifies every emotion, all
of the joys, all of the stress,all of the nostalgia, all of the
guilt.
And a lot of caregivers aregrieving those traditions that
they just can't maintainanymore.
SPEAKER_00 (04:33):
Yeah, it's tough.
SPEAKER_02 (04:34):
Yeah.
It's very tough.
And especially, you know, whenyou're feeling all of these
feelings, plus you're feeling,you know, gratitude that your
family member's still here, butyou're sad that it's not the
same.
And it's okay to recognize thatthose feelings can coexist.
SPEAKER_00 (04:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:51):
That gratitude and that sadness, they're there.
SPEAKER_00 (04:54):
I do want to point out one thing that, you know, a
lot of us have to realize thatthere's a point at which our
parent needs more care than wecan provide at home, right?
And so sometimes we have to lookat a nursing home or memory care
or something like that.
That doesn't mean that you can'tbring that parent home for
(05:15):
Christmas, right?
Yeah.
That is an option.
Even if you're on the governmentprogram called Medicaid, they
give you up to 13 days that youcould leave and spend the night
at home throughout the year andstill maintain your Medicaid.
And so that is an importantelement to say, look, we need to
(05:36):
accept the or you know,celebrate the family and not
worry about having to getsomebody back to the nursing
home before midnight orsomething.
SPEAKER_02 (05:46):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
And of course, it's not gonnalook the same, but if you are
experiencing this, you know,caregiver issue right now
through the holidays, and yourperson, your loved one is in a
facility and you're wonderinghow are we gonna do this?
Yeah, you might have an optionthat you didn't know was there
before.
SPEAKER_00 (06:02):
And I think that's so important.
And that's part of what we do atManor Law Group is we make sure
that you understand the optionsthat you have.
We make sure that you have theadvocacy to provide the things
that are allowed because it'snot, even though there's very
well-intentioned caregivers,they're not always going to
explain to you all of theoptions that are available.
(06:25):
And so at Manor Law Group, wetry to make sure that you know
you have options and rights andyou know, that if you want to
take your parent home or yourspouse home for the weekend,
that you have that right to dothat.
SPEAKER_02 (06:39):
Yeah, and that's fantastic.
SPEAKER_00 (06:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (06:40):
Especially over the holidays.
And I think one thing that'simportant, and you know, and
some people might think like,wow, that that seems like a lot
of work, but we can do it.
And caregiving, I think if youare a caregiver, you'll know
that it's a lot of work anytime.
But when the holidays come, itsometimes can mean more work.
SPEAKER_00 (06:58):
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_02 (06:59):
So Thanksgiving is more work for everyone, you
know, cleaning, cooking, eating,watching football, for sure.
But when caregiving is involved,it can sometimes mean more
cooking, cooking differentthings.
It's more coordinating, it'smore caregiving.
And so it's a it's a time thatwhile you're like, oh, I'm
really excited, I love this timeof year, you can also somewhat
(07:20):
be like, oh, how am I gonna dothis?
It's overwhelming and a littlebit stressful.
And again, it's okay to feelboth of those feelings at the
same time.
But it's it is possible to havesome balance or at least try to
work towards that balance.
And we do have there are sometips that we can offer you here
to sort of find that balance.
And I think the first one, atleast for me, would be to not to
(07:43):
not aim for the day to beperfect.
SPEAKER_00 (07:45):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
It's it might not ever be perfect.
Shoot, it's not perfect evenwhen it is perfect, but just aim
for connection.
Look for the connection.
And then also take a look at thetraditions that your family has.
And you might not be able to dothose same traditions as Bob
mentioned earlier.
You know, we might not be ableto just have an organic
gathering.
Maybe we need to put a timeframe on it.
(08:08):
Maybe there's a certain gamethat your family plays that you
might have to do a little bitdifferently.
SPEAKER_00 (08:13):
So I think that's really important because
traditions are important, but wehave to sometimes realize that
they're not always gonna workout the same way that we had in
the past.
And so if a parent has dementia,honestly, the traditions are
probably not gonna work out thesame way.
So you can allow for that andrealize that you know we can
(08:36):
honor the tradition and stillnot have it go perfectly.
SPEAKER_02 (08:40):
Exactly.
Yeah.
You can still, excuse me, youcan still find meaning in those
traditions and you know, in theway that you honor them.
It might not look exactly thesame and it might not be exactly
the same, but you but themeaning is still there.
And that's what's important.
That that's what was behindthose traditions the whole time,
right anyway.
(09:01):
Um it's also important to justthink about little ways that you
maybe could simplify some ofthese family gatherings.
Um you know, and you mentionedearlier that your mom would
sometimes get a little bitconfused when it got dark so
early.
Maybe it could mean, hey, can wejust bump up our maybe instead
of Thanksgiving dinner, can wejust do Thanksgiving lunch?
And that could avoid thatscenario.
(09:23):
It could be just having maybeless people, or maybe we break
it up.
Maybe we have, you know, let'sdo a Thanksgiving over here.
And then, you know, these peoplethat live further away, maybe
they come visit mom or dad, oryou know, at a different time.
And so then it spreads the joy,but it's less overwhelming for
the caregiver and the person.
Another thing I think is reallyhelpful that I've heard folks do
(09:46):
is they plan shifts.
So they know that, you know,it's it's not, you know, when
mom's coming here and she'staking care of dad who has
dementia, um, it's a lot of workfor a mom.
It's she's not always able tovisit because she's, you know,
still the primary caregiver.
But maybe we can plan shiftswhere okay, we know that from
(10:06):
two to three, it's gonna beUncle Bill is gonna sit.
SPEAKER_00 (10:11):
Yeah.
So and uh honestly, there's evena separate element of that.
So and I'm not gonna getpersonal on this, but there's
sometimes that people don't getalong, right?
Oh, sure.
And so we've done occasionallywhere we have all right, from
one to three, we're gonna havethese people come.
SPEAKER_01 (10:31):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (10:31):
And from three to five, we're gonna have these
people come because divorces,right?
There's divorces.
Absolutely.
And we're we're not gonna we'renot gonna exclude family, right?
We're not gonna exclude family,but that doesn't mean that we
have to set up something whereit's likely to lead to a fight.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:49):
Or just having someone be uncomfortable when we
can avoid it.
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (10:54):
Also, I think it could be uh important, you know,
to sort of think about the foodsthat you're serving on
Thanksgiving.
You know, maybe you have thistraditional spread.
Maybe you don't need to do that.
SPEAKER_00 (11:04):
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (11:05):
You know, do we really need the cranberry
chutney?
SPEAKER_00 (11:07):
Cranberry, that always is the thing that makes
me laugh the most because youknow, the most of us, I would
guess, are we're used to justthe can, cranberry, and that's
it.
It was just a can in it's in theshape of a can.
Right, right.
That's all we have.
And uh, you know, other peopleare have other traditions, but
(11:29):
that yeah, that's one of thethings I think is kind of funny.
SPEAKER_02 (11:32):
And just think about little ways that you can
streamline, you know, like, oh,do we do I have to make the
stuffing by hand?
Can I just get the stuffing in abox?
Right.
You know, do I have to have allof these things?
Or can we do a potluck?
You know, is it can we make iteasier?
Where we s where again we spreadthe joy of Thanksgiving dinner
and the preparation.
And you know, we we keep itsimple.
Maybe we even, you know, maybewe don't even cook Thanksgiving
(11:54):
dinner that day.
Maybe we do a homemade pizza orsomething that's really easy,
um, you know, that your personloves.
SPEAKER_00 (12:01):
We've done uh with my wife's family, we've done
where sometimes on Thanksgivingwe've done uh comfort foods
instead of a traditional.
So like I love the traditionalThanksgiving dinner as something
that you know, and and and we Ididn't always get that with my
families when my wife's familyalways did the traditional
(12:23):
Thanksgiving.
I always enjoyed that a lot, butsometimes ever some years they
chose to just have it be comfortfoods.
So they'd have cheese sticks andyeah, you know, wings, uh
chicken wings and whatever.
And that was their they chosethat.
It's kind of funny because it'svery different kind of planning
(12:44):
as far as like my family tendedto just do the same thing every
year.
My wife's family tended to makea plan, and I was not that was
not what I was raised with.
We don't make a plan, we justshowed up and whatever that was
there was there, you know.
And so it was kind of funsometimes when they chose to
make a plan that was out of theordinary.
SPEAKER_02 (13:06):
Yeah.
I bet.
And you could do the same thingif you're a caregiver this time.
You know, it doesn't have tolook like a Norman Rockwell
Thanksgiving painting.
It can still be really fun andreally meaningful, and it can be
Chinese food.
SPEAKER_00 (13:19):
It was it is interesting though, when it got
to the point because we alwayswent over to my parents' house
even after the point where theywere able to really prepare for
holiday meals.
It was always sort of like apotluck type of a situation.
And it got to the point where werealized it what didn't matter
what the food was, you know,there's just there's gonna be
(13:42):
food.
We'll be fine.
SPEAKER_02 (13:43):
Yep, we'll eat.
It's the people, it's us.
That's what that's what'simportant.
Right.
And I think that thatpermission, excuse me, at least
to me, I mean, I'm someone whogrew up watching HGTV with
Martha Stewart.
You know, so I sort of have thislike expectation of myself that
Thanksgiving dinner needs tolook like a Pinterest board and
it needs to all be beautiful.
But that's that's not it.
(14:05):
And I think that giving yourselfthat permission to simplify is
huge.
It's huge for your for yourself,for your family, and I think
most importantly for the personthat you're caring for.
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
Yes.
And it is one of those thingswhere this is really important
that we, you know, acknowledgethat there is a person there
that might have done a lot ofthings in the past that might
have been a lot of the part ofthe preparation or just done a
lot of the work of the party,right?
(14:38):
And they can't do that anymore.
And that's okay, right?
It's okay.
We can just have, we can justbe, you know.
One of the things I want to warnpeople about or want people to
think about is when you bring,you know, others, non-family
members, sometimes, you know,typically the family members
understand what's going on, theyunderstand that grandma has
(15:01):
dementia.
Girlfriend of the grandson mightnot understand that or have any
experience with that.
And sometimes they're kind ofrude about it because they don't
understand it.
So it might be something thatyou want to introduce ahead of
time.
Just say, hey, grandma mightrepeat herself sometimes.
SPEAKER_01 (15:21):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (15:22):
It's okay.
And don't, you know, try to besensitive to that.
SPEAKER_02 (15:27):
Yeah.
And we don't we also don't haveto, you know, try to put grandma
into a box, right, you know, ofsomeone else's expectations.
So, you know, it's okay ifgrandma repeats herself.
Right.
And that's, you know, that'scool.
That's just it is what it is.
And this is grandma, and we'rehappy that she's here.
SPEAKER_00 (15:43):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (15:44):
And I think that it's important to remember that
you know, grandma has routinesand grandma has habits every day
that that she'll do that keepher anchored.
And so this is gonna be adisruption to that.
SPEAKER_00 (15:56):
That is so important to think about.
SPEAKER_02 (15:59):
And so there might she might repeat herself maybe
more than usual, or or some ofthese behaviors might be a
little bit exacerbated today, orshe might even become more
withdrawn today because it'sdepending, you know, everyone's
personality is different,whether you have dementia or
not.
SPEAKER_00 (16:13):
And so we gotta think about this that sometimes
when we have dementia, there isaltered personality and there
might even be aggression.
SPEAKER_01 (16:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:22):
So we have to think about that and not be a jerk
about it.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (16:26):
So absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:28):
You don't have to get defensive.
SPEAKER_01 (16:29):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (16:30):
Because you need to understand that the person that
you're talking to might not havethe executive decision-making
ability to say the right things.
And so if they say the wrongthing and you get defensive,
that's kind of a jerk move.
SPEAKER_02 (16:43):
Right.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, don't be that guy.
And I think that, you know,again, like you said, just
warning if you are bringing aguest, just making everyone's
prepared.
I don't want to say warningbecause it makes it sound like
it's a bad thing, but justmaking sure that everyone is
prepared.
SPEAKER_01 (16:58):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (16:58):
And that includes, you know, guests.
And it might even be familymembers that haven't visited in
a while, or it could be your chyour children, you know, if you
have small children.
Maybe that person, grandma,maybe she doesn't like loud
noises anymore.
They might make her nervous orrunning.
So, you know, we can talk to thekids ahead of time about that
and how to just act aroundgrandma.
(17:19):
And I think that's reallyimportant.
And of course, kids will stillbe kids.
I think that's why it'simportant to um just be aware
and just try to make sure thateveryone, all hands are on deck.
SPEAKER_00 (17:29):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
So, one thing that we hear a lot talking with
caregivers, especially this timeof year, is guilt.
There's guilt maybe of we're notdoing enough, guilt over the
change, guilt over maybe youfeel burned out and you feel
guilty about that.
So, where do we think that guiltcomes from?
SPEAKER_00 (17:47):
I am I have a strong opinion about this.
SPEAKER_01 (17:49):
I would love to hear it, Bob.
SPEAKER_00 (17:51):
I think that all the movies we watch, all the TV
shows we watch are notparticularly realistic about
this issue.
Of there is an assumption thatif mom or dad is living in a
care facility and people aretaking care of them 24 hours a
day, that we're bad childrenbecause of that.
(18:11):
And I just think that's wrong.
I think that is not a realisticanalysis of this.
We used to, with my um wife'sfamily, we'd go and have a
Christmas party every year at anursing home, and everybody, the
whole cousins, everybody, therewas probably 50 people that
(18:31):
would come to this.
And uh it was because that shewas getting well cared for
there.
There comes a point, she hadlived uh my wife's grandma lived
with my in-laws for many years.
There comes a point where youcannot physically care for
somebody.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
You shouldn't be guilty aboutthat.
And the fact that we would thengo and have Christmas and
(18:54):
Thanksgiving at the carefacility was just a beautiful
thing.
And and almost every place thatha does this has uh room for
this.
They have place for this.
There is an appropriate uh youknow, place for this.
And don't feel guilty about it.
It is uh, you know, one of thosethings.
It's just part of the uhevolution of life.
(19:16):
So I think unfortunately, that'snot what TV and movies tell us.
TVs and movies tell us that onlybad kids put their parents in a
care facility.
That's not accurate.
That's wrong.
Honestly, if you leave yourparent at home alone and they
(19:36):
don't have anybody to talk toand they need 24-hour care and
they're not getting it, andthey're still in their home
alone, that's not better than acare facility.
And that's kind of what this,you know, the there's a sort of
this cultural guilt that we haveabout this.
And I just wish that that wasn'tthe case.
I wish that people wouldunderstand that sometimes it is
(20:01):
really absolutely 100% the bestanswer to look for either
caregivers that come into thehome or look for a facility that
provides 24-hour care.
SPEAKER_02 (20:13):
Absolutely.
And you mentioned that thatcultural guilt, that cultural
pressure that says, you know,good families do everything.
SPEAKER_01 (20:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (20:21):
Well, to me, everything includes sometimes
placing your loved one in askilled care facility.
We have to make hard choices.
SPEAKER_00 (20:29):
Now, again, I'm gonna uh depart from our
conversation a little bit to saythat this is where law group can
come in.
SPEAKER_01 (20:36):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (20:37):
Right, because we can help you find money to pay
for that.
And that's so this conversationmostly about the holidays has
been about day-to-day, you know,type stuff.
But we do want to think aboutthat, it is important to think
about, you know, how do we payfor it?
And so that's something that thela our law office can help you
with.
SPEAKER_02 (20:55):
Absolutely.
And also not just how to pay forit, but how to just navigate all
of this.
It's so much.
So maybe you're at this pointright now and the holidays are
coming up, but you're not surewhat to do.
A mom or dad or your spouse, youknow that they're having some
some trouble.
You're not sure what steps totake next.
That's something that we canhelp with.
(21:16):
We have social workers on staff.
SPEAKER_00 (21:18):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (21:18):
We have elder care coordinators, we have several
dementia practitioners likemyself.
And so we're reallyknowledgeable and and aware of
the issues that you're goingthrough.
While your issues are unique,you know, to your family.
We're aware of, you know,overall what you're going
through and how to help.
SPEAKER_00 (21:35):
We've legitimately helped thousands of families
through this process.
And, you know, we talk aboutmoney, that's only one part of
it.
It's about quality of life,quality of care, and we are
motivated to help with all ofthat.
Most people think there are nooptions with regard to how to
pay for care.
And that's actually really thewrong answer because what most
(21:59):
people think is well, you haveto just run out of money, and
then you'll get on governmentprograms.
That's the worst possible answerbecause those government
programs might not work out theway that you think they would,
at least in you know, lastminute kind of notice.
So what we really want is tomake sure we plan ahead and not
(22:21):
run out of money.
That's really an importantaspect of this.
SPEAKER_02 (22:25):
Yeah, absolutely.
And also remember that it'snever too late to plan and it's
also never too early.
And we say this a lot at thefirm.
It is never too early and nevertoo late to get a plan.
So if you're right now in a astate where you're like, man, my
family's in crisis, they're Idon't know what to do, then call
(22:46):
us.
If you're at the point whereyou're like, we're not in
crisis, but I don't really havea plan, then still call us
because when that time comes,things are gonna be a lot easier
for you when you do have a plan.
SPEAKER_00 (22:58):
It is obviously I always like to have people plan
ahead.
I know that a lot of people onlycall us when there's a crisis,
but it's always better if youcan plan ahead.
SPEAKER_02 (23:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, Bob, I think that this hasbeen a really powerful
conversation and I appreciateyou sharing your story and the
story of the clients that wehelp all the time.
And as Bob said, our firm hashelped thousands of clients go
through this.
And to our listeners, again, ifyou are caring for a spouse, if
you're caring for a parent, oryou're just supporting someone
(23:30):
professionally as a caregiver,we see you and we are so
thankful for you.
If you need guidance withlong-term care planning,
dementia support, or justfinding peace of mind through
legal planning, I reallyencourage you to visit our
website, MannorLawgroup.com, orgive us a call at
1-800-990-6030.
From all of us at Mannor LawGroup and advice from your
(23:53):
advocates, we wish you a warmand meaningful Thanksgiving with
the people you love most.
Did you know the average stay ina nursing home costs over$10,000
a month?
Planning for long-term care canbe overwhelming, but it's
crucial to protect your family'sfuture.
SPEAKER_00 (24:06):
Hi, I'm Bob Manner.
I'm a board certified elder lawattorney and certified dementia
practitioner.
At Manner Law Group, wespecialize in helping families
plan for dementia care, stateplanning, and protecting their
assets from the rising costs oflong-term care.
We can guide you throughcreating a plan that ensures
that your loved ones receive thecare that they need without
losing everything that they'veworked so hard for.
SPEAKER_02 (24:28):
Manner Law Group, we believe in giving you peace of
mind for the future.
From Wills and Trust to MedicaidPlanning, we're here to make
sure your family is protected.
SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
Give us a call today and let us help you plan with
confidence.
SPEAKER_02 (24:40):
Call Manor Law Group at 1-800-990-030 or visit us
online at Manor Law Group.com.
That's eight hundred-nine ninezero or manorlawgroup.com.
Manor Law Group, your advocatesfor life's most important
decisions.
Thanks for listening.
To learn more, visit Manor LawGroup.
You're listening to Advice from Your Advocates, a
(00:02):
show where we provide elder lawadvice to professionals who work
with the elderly and theirfamilies.
Welcome back to Advice from YourAdvocates on 103.9 The Fox.
I'm Savannah Mexto, certifieddementia practitioner and
executive director here atManner Law Group.
Today we're talking aboutsomething so many listeners can
relate to.
How Thanksgiving changes whenyou're caring for someone you
(00:24):
love.
And joining me, as always, isthe Elder Law and Estate
Planning Expert You Know andTrust, Attorney Bob Manner.
SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
Well, Savannah, happy holidays.
SPEAKER_02 (00:33):
Thanks, Bob.
SPEAKER_00 (00:34):
I think this is a really important time of the
year for caregiving becausesometimes we are not aware of
what's going on with our parentsbecause, you know, life.
And so when we come home forThanksgiving or come home for
Christmas, this becomes a bigissue, and we realize maybe
things aren't as good as we hadhoped they would be.
SPEAKER_02 (00:57):
Yeah, absolutely.
It's a a harsh reality and it'salways so much more present at
the holidays because I thinkeverything is always just so
much more present at theholidays, the good and the bad.
SPEAKER_00 (01:08):
And you know, even I've read this statistic that a
lot of people die in January orat the end of December.
Yeah.
Because they, for whateverreason, they, you know, are
looking forward to the holidays.
And so it's something that wewant to be aware of for our
parents.
SPEAKER_02 (01:27):
Absolutely.
And when you're a caregiver andyou're suddenly put into that
new role, whether you're aspouse or you're a child, an
adult child caregiving now foryour parent, the holidays might
not look like the traditionalpicture perfect Thanksgiving or
Christmas card that you used toremember, especially when
dementia or just illness or evenjust aging shift what's
(01:50):
possible.
You know, it's just not thesame.
And Bob, you work with so manycaregivers this time of year.
What sort of things do you seehappening for the clients that
that you meet with during theholidays?
SPEAKER_00 (02:02):
So I actually have a personal story about this
because my mom had Alzheimer'sand we'd go over for Christmas,
and she wasn't always, you know,it was it was something we
always did every year.
We'd go to their house forChristmas, and it wasn't always,
you know, it changed after shehad gotten to a certain point in
her Alzheimer's.
And we realized this, and myfamily adjusted accordingly,
(02:26):
that we realized that she canonly take so many hours of of
family.
And so we would have a beginningand an end, which was never
anything we ever did before.
My family, it's funny, my wifeuh makes fun of us because we
never have the like reallyscheduled family events.
We just show up whenever we showup and end whenever we want to
(02:48):
end.
And then it got to the pointwhere my mom needed structure,
right?
And so we had to have an end.
And the ra the reason was she'dget to the point where, you
know, and it's in her house,right?
And she would say, I need to gohome now.
And she was home.
But there was all these people,and it was too much for her.
(03:09):
It was more than she couldtolerate at the time.
And so we realized that it wasbetter to schedule we're gonna
be there from this hour to thishour.
We noticed one of the thingsthat was uncomfortable for her
was when she saw it get darkoutside, she could recognize
those triggers of okay, it'stime for me to go home.
(03:32):
Now she was home, but she neededthat we needed to end the party
at that time.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Yeah, I think that's something that a lot of families
have experienced.
I actually can have a similarexperience.
I was raised by my grandparents,as I've mentioned before on the
show, and my grandfather wasdiagnosed with dementia when I
was in, I think, ninth grade.
And so I became one of hiscaregivers.
You know, it was me and mygrandma and an aunt and an
(03:57):
uncle.
And it was quite similar, onlyhe he, you know, we loved my
grandfather, still do very much.
He was a grumpy old man evenbefore he had dementia.
And so same thing.
When he was done, he was done.
And and he would just start, um,you know, he would get a little
grumpy and be like, okay, well,I think it's time.
We're we're we're done.
And so I think a lot of familiescan have that that sort of shift
(04:18):
in the holidays again, it justit amplifies every emotion, all
of the joys, all of the stress,all of the nostalgia, all of the
guilt.
And a lot of caregivers aregrieving those traditions that
they just can't maintainanymore.
SPEAKER_00 (04:33):
Yeah, it's tough.
SPEAKER_02 (04:34):
Yeah.
It's very tough.
And especially, you know, whenyou're feeling all of these
feelings, plus you're feeling,you know, gratitude that your
family member's still here, butyou're sad that it's not the
same.
And it's okay to recognize thatthose feelings can coexist.
SPEAKER_00 (04:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (04:51):
That gratitude and that sadness, they're there.
SPEAKER_00 (04:54):
I do want to point out one thing that, you know, a
lot of us have to realize thatthere's a point at which our
parent needs more care than wecan provide at home, right?
And so sometimes we have to lookat a nursing home or memory care
or something like that.
That doesn't mean that you can'tbring that parent home for
(05:15):
Christmas, right?
Yeah.
That is an option.
Even if you're on the governmentprogram called Medicaid, they
give you up to 13 days that youcould leave and spend the night
at home throughout the year andstill maintain your Medicaid.
And so that is an importantelement to say, look, we need to
(05:36):
accept the or you know,celebrate the family and not
worry about having to getsomebody back to the nursing
home before midnight orsomething.
SPEAKER_02 (05:46):
Yeah, that's such a good point.
And of course, it's not gonnalook the same, but if you are
experiencing this, you know,caregiver issue right now
through the holidays, and yourperson, your loved one is in a
facility and you're wonderinghow are we gonna do this?
Yeah, you might have an optionthat you didn't know was there
before.
SPEAKER_00 (06:02):
And I think that's so important.
And that's part of what we do atManor Law Group is we make sure
that you understand the optionsthat you have.
We make sure that you have theadvocacy to provide the things
that are allowed because it'snot, even though there's very
well-intentioned caregivers,they're not always going to
explain to you all of theoptions that are available.
(06:25):
And so at Manor Law Group, wetry to make sure that you know
you have options and rights andyou know, that if you want to
take your parent home or yourspouse home for the weekend,
that you have that right to dothat.
SPEAKER_02 (06:39):
Yeah, and that's fantastic.
SPEAKER_00 (06:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (06:40):
Especially over the holidays.
And I think one thing that'simportant, and you know, and
some people might think like,wow, that that seems like a lot
of work, but we can do it.
And caregiving, I think if youare a caregiver, you'll know
that it's a lot of work anytime.
But when the holidays come, itsometimes can mean more work.
SPEAKER_00 (06:58):
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_02 (06:59):
So Thanksgiving is more work for everyone, you
know, cleaning, cooking, eating,watching football, for sure.
But when caregiving is involved,it can sometimes mean more
cooking, cooking differentthings.
It's more coordinating, it'smore caregiving.
And so it's a it's a time thatwhile you're like, oh, I'm
really excited, I love this timeof year, you can also somewhat
(07:20):
be like, oh, how am I gonna dothis?
It's overwhelming and a littlebit stressful.
And again, it's okay to feelboth of those feelings at the
same time.
But it's it is possible to havesome balance or at least try to
work towards that balance.
And we do have there are sometips that we can offer you here
to sort of find that balance.
And I think the first one, atleast for me, would be to not to
(07:43):
not aim for the day to beperfect.
SPEAKER_00 (07:45):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
It's it might not ever be perfect.
Shoot, it's not perfect evenwhen it is perfect, but just aim
for connection.
Look for the connection.
And then also take a look at thetraditions that your family has.
And you might not be able to dothose same traditions as Bob
mentioned earlier.
You know, we might not be ableto just have an organic
gathering.
Maybe we need to put a timeframe on it.
(08:08):
Maybe there's a certain gamethat your family plays that you
might have to do a little bitdifferently.
SPEAKER_00 (08:13):
So I think that's really important because
traditions are important, but wehave to sometimes realize that
they're not always gonna workout the same way that we had in
the past.
And so if a parent has dementia,honestly, the traditions are
probably not gonna work out thesame way.
So you can allow for that andrealize that you know we can
(08:36):
honor the tradition and stillnot have it go perfectly.
SPEAKER_02 (08:40):
Exactly.
Yeah.
You can still, excuse me, youcan still find meaning in those
traditions and you know, in theway that you honor them.
It might not look exactly thesame and it might not be exactly
the same, but you but themeaning is still there.
And that's what's important.
That that's what was behindthose traditions the whole time,
right anyway.
(09:01):
Um it's also important to justthink about little ways that you
maybe could simplify some ofthese family gatherings.
Um you know, and you mentionedearlier that your mom would
sometimes get a little bitconfused when it got dark so
early.
Maybe it could mean, hey, can wejust bump up our maybe instead
of Thanksgiving dinner, can wejust do Thanksgiving lunch?
And that could avoid thatscenario.
(09:23):
It could be just having maybeless people, or maybe we break
it up.
Maybe we have, you know, let'sdo a Thanksgiving over here.
And then, you know, these peoplethat live further away, maybe
they come visit mom or dad, oryou know, at a different time.
And so then it spreads the joy,but it's less overwhelming for
the caregiver and the person.
Another thing I think is reallyhelpful that I've heard folks do
(09:46):
is they plan shifts.
So they know that, you know,it's it's not, you know, when
mom's coming here and she'staking care of dad who has
dementia, um, it's a lot of workfor a mom.
It's she's not always able tovisit because she's, you know,
still the primary caregiver.
But maybe we can plan shiftswhere okay, we know that from
(10:06):
two to three, it's gonna beUncle Bill is gonna sit.
SPEAKER_00 (10:11):
Yeah.
So and uh honestly, there's evena separate element of that.
So and I'm not gonna getpersonal on this, but there's
sometimes that people don't getalong, right?
Oh, sure.
And so we've done occasionallywhere we have all right, from
one to three, we're gonna havethese people come.
SPEAKER_01 (10:31):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (10:31):
And from three to five, we're gonna have these
people come because divorces,right?
There's divorces.
Absolutely.
And we're we're not gonna we'renot gonna exclude family, right?
We're not gonna exclude family,but that doesn't mean that we
have to set up something whereit's likely to lead to a fight.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:49):
Or just having someone be uncomfortable when we
can avoid it.
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (10:54):
Also, I think it could be uh important, you know,
to sort of think about the foodsthat you're serving on
Thanksgiving.
You know, maybe you have thistraditional spread.
Maybe you don't need to do that.
SPEAKER_00 (11:04):
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (11:05):
You know, do we really need the cranberry
chutney?
SPEAKER_00 (11:07):
Cranberry, that always is the thing that makes
me laugh the most because youknow, the most of us, I would
guess, are we're used to justthe can, cranberry, and that's
it.
It was just a can in it's in theshape of a can.
Right, right.
That's all we have.
And uh, you know, other peopleare have other traditions, but
(11:29):
that yeah, that's one of thethings I think is kind of funny.
SPEAKER_02 (11:32):
And just think about little ways that you can
streamline, you know, like, oh,do we do I have to make the
stuffing by hand?
Can I just get the stuffing in abox?
Right.
You know, do I have to have allof these things?
Or can we do a potluck?
You know, is it can we make iteasier?
Where we s where again we spreadthe joy of Thanksgiving dinner
and the preparation.
And you know, we we keep itsimple.
Maybe we even, you know, maybewe don't even cook Thanksgiving
(11:54):
dinner that day.
Maybe we do a homemade pizza orsomething that's really easy,
um, you know, that your personloves.
SPEAKER_00 (12:01):
We've done uh with my wife's family, we've done
where sometimes on Thanksgivingwe've done uh comfort foods
instead of a traditional.
So like I love the traditionalThanksgiving dinner as something
that you know, and and and we Ididn't always get that with my
families when my wife's familyalways did the traditional
(12:23):
Thanksgiving.
I always enjoyed that a lot, butsometimes ever some years they
chose to just have it be comfortfoods.
So they'd have cheese sticks andyeah, you know, wings, uh
chicken wings and whatever.
And that was their they chosethat.
It's kind of funny because it'svery different kind of planning
(12:44):
as far as like my family tendedto just do the same thing every
year.
My wife's family tended to makea plan, and I was not that was
not what I was raised with.
We don't make a plan, we justshowed up and whatever that was
there was there, you know.
And so it was kind of funsometimes when they chose to
make a plan that was out of theordinary.
SPEAKER_02 (13:06):
Yeah.
I bet.
And you could do the same thingif you're a caregiver this time.
You know, it doesn't have tolook like a Norman Rockwell
Thanksgiving painting.
It can still be really fun andreally meaningful, and it can be
Chinese food.
SPEAKER_00 (13:19):
It was it is interesting though, when it got
to the point because we alwayswent over to my parents' house
even after the point where theywere able to really prepare for
holiday meals.
It was always sort of like apotluck type of a situation.
And it got to the point where werealized it what didn't matter
what the food was, you know,there's just there's gonna be
(13:42):
food.
We'll be fine.
SPEAKER_02 (13:43):
Yep, we'll eat.
It's the people, it's us.
That's what that's what'simportant.
Right.
And I think that thatpermission, excuse me, at least
to me, I mean, I'm someone whogrew up watching HGTV with
Martha Stewart.
You know, so I sort of have thislike expectation of myself that
Thanksgiving dinner needs tolook like a Pinterest board and
it needs to all be beautiful.
But that's that's not it.
(14:05):
And I think that giving yourselfthat permission to simplify is
huge.
It's huge for your for yourself,for your family, and I think
most importantly for the personthat you're caring for.
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
Yes.
And it is one of those thingswhere this is really important
that we, you know, acknowledgethat there is a person there
that might have done a lot ofthings in the past that might
have been a lot of the part ofthe preparation or just done a
lot of the work of the party,right?
(14:38):
And they can't do that anymore.
And that's okay, right?
It's okay.
We can just have, we can justbe, you know.
One of the things I want to warnpeople about or want people to
think about is when you bring,you know, others, non-family
members, sometimes, you know,typically the family members
understand what's going on, theyunderstand that grandma has
(15:01):
dementia.
Girlfriend of the grandson mightnot understand that or have any
experience with that.
And sometimes they're kind ofrude about it because they don't
understand it.
So it might be something thatyou want to introduce ahead of
time.
Just say, hey, grandma mightrepeat herself sometimes.
SPEAKER_01 (15:21):
Sure.
SPEAKER_00 (15:22):
It's okay.
And don't, you know, try to besensitive to that.
SPEAKER_02 (15:27):
Yeah.
And we don't we also don't haveto, you know, try to put grandma
into a box, right, you know, ofsomeone else's expectations.
So, you know, it's okay ifgrandma repeats herself.
Right.
And that's, you know, that'scool.
That's just it is what it is.
And this is grandma, and we'rehappy that she's here.
SPEAKER_00 (15:43):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (15:44):
And I think that it's important to remember that
you know, grandma has routinesand grandma has habits every day
that that she'll do that keepher anchored.
And so this is gonna be adisruption to that.
SPEAKER_00 (15:56):
That is so important to think about.
SPEAKER_02 (15:59):
And so there might she might repeat herself maybe
more than usual, or or some ofthese behaviors might be a
little bit exacerbated today, orshe might even become more
withdrawn today because it'sdepending, you know, everyone's
personality is different,whether you have dementia or
not.
SPEAKER_00 (16:13):
And so we gotta think about this that sometimes
when we have dementia, there isaltered personality and there
might even be aggression.
SPEAKER_01 (16:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:22):
So we have to think about that and not be a jerk
about it.
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (16:26):
So absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:28):
You don't have to get defensive.
SPEAKER_01 (16:29):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (16:30):
Because you need to understand that the person that
you're talking to might not havethe executive decision-making
ability to say the right things.
And so if they say the wrongthing and you get defensive,
that's kind of a jerk move.
SPEAKER_02 (16:43):
Right.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, don't be that guy.
And I think that, you know,again, like you said, just
warning if you are bringing aguest, just making everyone's
prepared.
I don't want to say warningbecause it makes it sound like
it's a bad thing, but justmaking sure that everyone is
prepared.
SPEAKER_01 (16:58):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (16:58):
And that includes, you know, guests.
And it might even be familymembers that haven't visited in
a while, or it could be your chyour children, you know, if you
have small children.
Maybe that person, grandma,maybe she doesn't like loud
noises anymore.
They might make her nervous orrunning.
So, you know, we can talk to thekids ahead of time about that
and how to just act aroundgrandma.
(17:19):
And I think that's reallyimportant.
And of course, kids will stillbe kids.
I think that's why it'simportant to um just be aware
and just try to make sure thateveryone, all hands are on deck.
SPEAKER_00 (17:29):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
So, one thing that we hear a lot talking with
caregivers, especially this timeof year, is guilt.
There's guilt maybe of we're notdoing enough, guilt over the
change, guilt over maybe youfeel burned out and you feel
guilty about that.
So, where do we think that guiltcomes from?
SPEAKER_00 (17:47):
I am I have a strong opinion about this.
SPEAKER_01 (17:49):
I would love to hear it, Bob.
SPEAKER_00 (17:51):
I think that all the movies we watch, all the TV
shows we watch are notparticularly realistic about
this issue.
Of there is an assumption thatif mom or dad is living in a
care facility and people aretaking care of them 24 hours a
day, that we're bad childrenbecause of that.
(18:11):
And I just think that's wrong.
I think that is not a realisticanalysis of this.
We used to, with my um wife'sfamily, we'd go and have a
Christmas party every year at anursing home, and everybody, the
whole cousins, everybody, therewas probably 50 people that
(18:31):
would come to this.
And uh it was because that shewas getting well cared for
there.
There comes a point, she hadlived uh my wife's grandma lived
with my in-laws for many years.
There comes a point where youcannot physically care for
somebody.
And there's nothing wrong withthat.
You shouldn't be guilty aboutthat.
And the fact that we would thengo and have Christmas and
(18:54):
Thanksgiving at the carefacility was just a beautiful
thing.
And and almost every place thatha does this has uh room for
this.
They have place for this.
There is an appropriate uh youknow, place for this.
And don't feel guilty about it.
It is uh, you know, one of thosethings.
It's just part of the uhevolution of life.
(19:16):
So I think unfortunately, that'snot what TV and movies tell us.
TVs and movies tell us that onlybad kids put their parents in a
care facility.
That's not accurate.
That's wrong.
Honestly, if you leave yourparent at home alone and they
(19:36):
don't have anybody to talk toand they need 24-hour care and
they're not getting it, andthey're still in their home
alone, that's not better than acare facility.
And that's kind of what this,you know, the there's a sort of
this cultural guilt that we haveabout this.
And I just wish that that wasn'tthe case.
I wish that people wouldunderstand that sometimes it is
(20:01):
really absolutely 100% the bestanswer to look for either
caregivers that come into thehome or look for a facility that
provides 24-hour care.
SPEAKER_02 (20:13):
Absolutely.
And you mentioned that thatcultural guilt, that cultural
pressure that says, you know,good families do everything.
SPEAKER_01 (20:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (20:21):
Well, to me, everything includes sometimes
placing your loved one in askilled care facility.
We have to make hard choices.
SPEAKER_00 (20:29):
Now, again, I'm gonna uh depart from our
conversation a little bit to saythat this is where law group can
come in.
SPEAKER_01 (20:36):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (20:37):
Right, because we can help you find money to pay
for that.
And that's so this conversationmostly about the holidays has
been about day-to-day, you know,type stuff.
But we do want to think aboutthat, it is important to think
about, you know, how do we payfor it?
And so that's something that thela our law office can help you
with.
SPEAKER_02 (20:55):
Absolutely.
And also not just how to pay forit, but how to just navigate all
of this.
It's so much.
So maybe you're at this pointright now and the holidays are
coming up, but you're not surewhat to do.
A mom or dad or your spouse, youknow that they're having some
some trouble.
You're not sure what steps totake next.
That's something that we canhelp with.
(21:16):
We have social workers on staff.
SPEAKER_00 (21:18):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (21:18):
We have elder care coordinators, we have several
dementia practitioners likemyself.
And so we're reallyknowledgeable and and aware of
the issues that you're goingthrough.
While your issues are unique,you know, to your family.
We're aware of, you know,overall what you're going
through and how to help.
SPEAKER_00 (21:35):
We've legitimately helped thousands of families
through this process.
And, you know, we talk aboutmoney, that's only one part of
it.
It's about quality of life,quality of care, and we are
motivated to help with all ofthat.
Most people think there are nooptions with regard to how to
pay for care.
And that's actually really thewrong answer because what most
(21:59):
people think is well, you haveto just run out of money, and
then you'll get on governmentprograms.
That's the worst possible answerbecause those government
programs might not work out theway that you think they would,
at least in you know, lastminute kind of notice.
So what we really want is tomake sure we plan ahead and not
(22:21):
run out of money.
That's really an importantaspect of this.
SPEAKER_02 (22:25):
Yeah, absolutely.
And also remember that it'snever too late to plan and it's
also never too early.
And we say this a lot at thefirm.
It is never too early and nevertoo late to get a plan.
So if you're right now in a astate where you're like, man, my
family's in crisis, they're Idon't know what to do, then call
(22:46):
us.
If you're at the point whereyou're like, we're not in
crisis, but I don't really havea plan, then still call us
because when that time comes,things are gonna be a lot easier
for you when you do have a plan.
SPEAKER_00 (22:58):
It is obviously I always like to have people plan
ahead.
I know that a lot of people onlycall us when there's a crisis,
but it's always better if youcan plan ahead.
SPEAKER_02 (23:08):
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, Bob, I think that this hasbeen a really powerful
conversation and I appreciateyou sharing your story and the
story of the clients that wehelp all the time.
And as Bob said, our firm hashelped thousands of clients go
through this.
And to our listeners, again, ifyou are caring for a spouse, if
you're caring for a parent, oryou're just supporting someone
(23:30):
professionally as a caregiver,we see you and we are so
thankful for you.
If you need guidance withlong-term care planning,
dementia support, or justfinding peace of mind through
legal planning, I reallyencourage you to visit our
website, MannorLawgroup.com, orgive us a call at
1-800-990-6030.
From all of us at Mannor LawGroup and advice from your
(23:53):
advocates, we wish you a warmand meaningful Thanksgiving with
the people you love most.
Did you know the average stay ina nursing home costs over$10,000
a month?
Planning for long-term care canbe overwhelming, but it's
crucial to protect your family'sfuture.
SPEAKER_00 (24:06):
Hi, I'm Bob Manner.
I'm a board certified elder lawattorney and certified dementia
practitioner.
At Manner Law Group, wespecialize in helping families
plan for dementia care, stateplanning, and protecting their
assets from the rising costs oflong-term care.
We can guide you throughcreating a plan that ensures
that your loved ones receive thecare that they need without
losing everything that they'veworked so hard for.
SPEAKER_02 (24:28):
Manner Law Group, we believe in giving you peace of
mind for the future.
From Wills and Trust to MedicaidPlanning, we're here to make
sure your family is protected.
SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
Give us a call today and let us help you plan with
confidence.
SPEAKER_02 (24:40):
Call Manor Law Group at 1-800-990-030 or visit us
online at Manor Law Group.com.
That's eight hundred-nine ninezero or manorlawgroup.com.
Manor Law Group, your advocatesfor life's most important
decisions.
Thanks for listening.
To learn more, visit Manor LawGroup.
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