December 9, 2025 • 27 mins
For this years Holiday Special, The Afternoon Pint presents a radio-play reimagining of A Christmas Carol —written in-house and brought to life with the help of the three 48 Hour Film Festival winners known collectively as Shwing Entertainment. Mike turns his crankiness up to 11 for Scrooge while Matt works his improvisational muscle by preforming as all of the ghosts.
We then have some addtional stories from the AP content creator team.
Laura Flemming, shares the beautifully strange and haunting original Christmas tale about a mysterious abandoned home that has a soul called “The Foggy House.”
Don't Over Think It Chip then tells a story about wishing for the impossible —The Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup.
And just when you think it couldn’t get any wilder, we wrap things up with a brand-new original song, “Sex, Drugs, and Christmas Time,” performed by the incredible Christina Martin -
This may be our wildest Christmas Special to date. Thank you to all the folks that helped us out with this one, and to our sponsor, Kimia Nejat of Exit Reality, who has supported our show since day 1. Happy Holidays from the Afternoon Pint! and please share this episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_13 (00:28):
Good evening, dear listeners, and welcome to our
live radio podcast presentationof Charles Dickens' A Christmas
Carol.
This year, due to budgetrestraints, it will be performed
by two pub-loving podcasters whoprobably aren't suited for this
and absolutely should haverehearsed more.
Featuring appearances from filmdirector Elijah Bolton, actor
(00:53):
and swordsman Connor Locke,content creator Laura Fleming,
and stereotypically soundingnarration provided by me, Lewis
Coverdale.
Remember, don't be a Scroogethis holiday season.
Donate to your local food bank.
And if you donate, let theAfternoon Pint podcast know, and
they'll send you a very specialthank you gift.
SPEAKER_15 (01:17):
Thank you, Connor.
I'll be portraying ScroogeMcDuck.
Uh no.
Just Scrooge.
As in Ebenezer Scrooge.
Right, and you'll be the ghosts.
Yeah, I will be ghosts.
All of the ghosts.
Wish me luck.
SPEAKER_13 (01:34):
Let's begin.
Not too long ago, on ChristmasEve, Ebenezer Scrooge relaxed to
the soothing sounds of his moneycounter while counting the day's
profits.
He could have cared less aboutthe holiday season or for others
in general.
It was a cold and windy evening.
Conditions Scrooge felt wereperfect for keeping people away
(01:57):
from bothering him.
He grunted as soon as he heard aknock at the door.
SPEAKER_03 (02:17):
They're probably thinking, hey, let's go outside
to sing to the people who canactually afford to heat their
homes.
Like I want to open the door andfreeze my house out for a bunch
of sniffling carolers.
Snap-nosed mouth breathers.
For the love of God, who is itthis time?
SPEAKER_02 (02:34):
Hey, boss.
SPEAKER_05 (02:36):
Davy Crockett, how may I help you?
It's Bob.
Bob Crutchett.
Your clerksman.
I stayed late to get everythingin order, as you asked.
Okay, Bob.
You're telling me because I'dlike to go home now.
unknown (02:48):
Huh?
SPEAKER_05 (02:49):
Very well.
Off you go then.
Also, I need my week's pay?
Your week's pay?
Yeah.
Christmas is tomorrow.
SPEAKER_02 (02:59):
No.
Payday is tomorrow and it's aholiday, meaning I don't have to
pay you until the 26th.
I can come by tomorrow.
No need, Bob.
We're close tomorrow.
Off you go.
Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
Good night, Bob.
People are so needy this time ofyear.
SPEAKER_13 (03:22):
And with that, Scrooge went down for what he
hoped would be a truly silentnight.
Little did he know the spiritswanted to send him a special
message this Christmas, one thatwould hopefully resonate.
Not long into his slumber, hewas awakened by a familiar face.
A business partner he once had,not too long ago.
SPEAKER_03 (03:46):
Who's there?
SPEAKER_15 (03:50):
It is I, Jacob Marley, your business partner.
SPEAKER_03 (03:55):
Ah, yeah, uh Jacob.
Marley.
SPEAKER_15 (03:59):
No, Marley.
SPEAKER_03 (04:01):
Like Bob Marley?
SPEAKER_15 (04:03):
No relation.
Mon tonight you will be visitedby three ghosts from the past,
present, and the future.
SPEAKER_03 (04:12):
Three ghosts?
Nah, humbug.
Bob.
Time is money.
I'll speak with two ghosts, Max.
SPEAKER_15 (04:19):
They're dead.
They don't care about money oryour contrarian ways, Scrooge.
You will speak with three.
You will best listen carefully.
You're a horrendously greedy,morally corrupt, careless
businessman, and you do not wantto end up like me.
SPEAKER_03 (04:38):
End up like you?
You died choking on a turkeysandwich, moron.
I chew my food, and I keep mymouth closed when I'm eating.
Life tip.
SPEAKER_15 (04:47):
On my deathbed, you signed over my shares of our
company to yourself.
My family now starves withoutmoney.
SPEAKER_03 (04:56):
Consider that Darwinism at its finest, Marley.
Your family will developcharacter or they will perish.
This is not a concern of mine.
SPEAKER_15 (05:05):
You will change your ways, Scrooge, or your soul will
pay the price.
SPEAKER_03 (05:10):
Oh, will I?
Is Ghost of Rus gonna put me outof business?
I think not.
Off you go.
SPEAKER_15 (05:16):
Ha.
Wait and see, Mon.
Wait and see.
SPEAKER_03 (05:25):
I need to get back to sleep.
Where's my melatonin?
SPEAKER_13 (05:29):
Not long after Jacob Marley vanished, Scrooge fell
back to sleep before the firstof the three spirits arrived.
SPEAKER_03 (05:46):
You look just like the last guy.
Silence! Behold your childhood!Look! It's me as a boy, alone at
school, with no friends.
(06:06):
That's the janitor Scrooge.
SPEAKER_14 (06:09):
Look over there to the right.
SPEAKER_03 (06:12):
Wait! Is that me over there?
Am I happy?
Or those other little simpletonshanging around me?
SPEAKER_14 (06:21):
Those were your friends.
You once had many.
You were light and popular.
You enjoyed singing and makingpeople laugh.
SPEAKER_13 (06:32):
Scrooge's heart softened slightly, possibly a
side effect of the melatonin.
SPEAKER_03 (06:39):
Wow, yeah, I guess uh I don't remember that.
I only I only remember beinglonely.
SPEAKER_14 (06:45):
Oh.
Then you must have beenreferring to the girl you first
fell in love with, Susie Lu.
You brought her flowers andchocolate on one Christmas Eve.
But she wasn't interested.
She was a career woman, even inthe fifth grade, and she broke
your heart.
(07:06):
Oh, so because Cindy Lou Whorejected me, I turned into an
A-hole.
Susie Lu rejected you.
Cindy Lou Who is from the entiredifferent story.
But yes, that rejection early inthe life was one of the main
reasons that you became a classAw.
SPEAKER_03 (07:23):
Okay, wow.
So never thought of that.
So you're telling me if Irekindle my love with Mindy
Hulu, I'll be a happier person.
Are you going to introduce us?
SPEAKER_14 (07:32):
No.
That is not what I'm saying.
Forget the girl, focus on thelaughter, the playing the sing.
This is a wonderful side of youthat you now hide deeply and
despise in others.
SPEAKER_03 (07:44):
Do you know if this Hulu girl is married, or better
yet, widowed?
SPEAKER_14 (07:48):
God, Marley was right.
You're fing terrible.
How in the f are we supposed tochange your fing attitude?
This is a waste of time.
Fuck this, I'm out.
SPEAKER_03 (07:59):
Okay, whatever, same as the last ghost.
Like you couldn't have soundedmore like the last ghost.
Great acting! This is like theTimu of Christmas carols.
SPEAKER_13 (08:08):
Scrooge was confused by the first visit, especially
since he didn't get what hewanted.
Weary and cantankerous, he tooka few more melatonin and fell
asleep, soon to be awakened byspirit number two.
Uh ho ho ho.
SPEAKER_03 (08:26):
I'm the ghost of Christmas present.
Oh, are you now?
Yes, ho ho.
You sound like a bad mall storeSanta.
No, ho ho! But I guess I'm avariation.
I'm pure and jovial spirit, allabout giving and generosity.
Too bad you didn't slow ho downon the cookies, Muffin Top.
(08:47):
Thank you, wonderful insult.
SPEAKER_15 (08:49):
Now I'm opening a mystical portal so you can gaze
upon a kind little family.
Remember the other day when youdenied your clerk Bob Cradchit
his pay?
Well, since he couldn't get hismoney, he was owed, his son Tiny
Tim is paying the price.
Have a look through this portalso you can see how the lack of
(09:12):
giving can cause great pain.
SPEAKER_05 (09:19):
His cough is worsening.
SPEAKER_09 (09:21):
Well, if we had the money thanks to Scrooge not
coming through with yourpaycheck, we could afford
medicine.
Not to mention how terrible thisdamn liberal government is at
finding us a good doctor.
SPEAKER_04 (09:31):
Liberal government?
It was the conservatives whomade it all private.
Have you seen the insurancepremiums in the US?
We gotta even afford$40medicine.
We'd be bank dropped overTimmy's crutches.
SPEAKER_15 (09:41):
Um, skipping the political stuff a little bit.
SPEAKER_09 (09:47):
Anyway, the politics don't matter, and neither one of
us fact-checked.
All I want for Christmas is forTimmy to get healthy.
SPEAKER_03 (09:58):
Oh, Peggy.
Okay, this is just like twoparents overreacting about a
common cold.
SPEAKER_15 (10:04):
I think what you need, Scrooge, is patience with
a character development.
This is a chronically ill boy.
Bob, Peggy, can you help me outembellish a little bit?
SPEAKER_09 (10:15):
Got it, ghost.
Tim, we love you so very much.
You are the brightest light wehave ever received in this
world.
Try a little of my tea, it mighthelp your pop.
SPEAKER_07 (10:29):
I'm sorry, son.
I'm sorry I failed you, and Ipromise I'll do my best to get
us more money.
SPEAKER_06 (10:35):
I will leave that bastard Scrooge the moment I get
the final check, and I will finda better employer.
I hear Afternoon Pint Media hasconnected recruitment.
And if I email them atafternoonpintia at mail.com.
SPEAKER_09 (10:47):
You're advertising again, Bob.
Sorry, baby.
You're not a failure, Dad.
My god, another speaking role.
SPEAKER_07 (10:59):
Where'd they find the budget for this?
SPEAKER_12 (11:02):
You're anything but a failure, Dad.
Every day you go out there anddo your best.
For me.
For us.
Sometimes we lose, but we forgetthe many powerful ways.
(11:22):
We truly win by showingkindness, by admitting failure,
by trying again and inspiringothers to believe in themselves.
We must stop focusing on thethings that divide us and spend
our energy on becomingcollectively stronger.
(11:47):
Damn.
It's Christmas, and I love thistime with my family more than
anything.
Damn, impressive speech, boy.
SPEAKER_15 (12:00):
Okay, team.
Great work.
Thank you kindly.
Congratulations, family.
Gotta fast forward again now.
SPEAKER_02 (12:24):
What's this?
SPEAKER_03 (12:29):
A funeral?
Wait.
Is that Tim?
No.
No, I mean, gee! I I would havehired that kid.
Take me back! That's enough!Take me back!
SPEAKER_13 (12:44):
Now Scrooge's confusion was now heightened
with fear and sadness for theloss of Tiny Tim.
He felt genuine sorrow for Boband Peggy, and was now fully
conflicted about conservativeand liberal politics.
Before he could process thenightmare, he was confronted by
the third and final spirit.
SPEAKER_03 (13:16):
Wait! You're not talking!
SPEAKER_15 (13:21):
Um I'm the silent ghost.
SPEAKER_03 (13:26):
That's not gonna translate well on an audio-only
podcast.
Say something.
SPEAKER_14 (13:32):
Uh people I am future ghost.
SPEAKER_13 (13:35):
Future said you die.
Scrooge is shown a grave withhis name upon it.
The engraving reads, Here liesScrooge, a forgotten monster.
Accurate.
Quiet now, quiet ghost.
Everything flashed beforeScrooge's eyes, his childhood,
(13:56):
his loneliness, the people hisgreedy decisions affected, his
legacy.
The ghost of the future spokeonce more.
You will be replaced by AI.
SPEAKER_03 (14:19):
I'm alive! The ghost has spared me.
SPEAKER_13 (14:23):
I know what I must do.
Scrooge barely gets on hisovercoat and top hat before
running out into the bright,blustery, holiday-decorated
town.
Over his shoulder is a giantsack filled with cash.
He greets villagers, many ofwhom are meeting him for the
very first time, handing outwands of money.
SPEAKER_03 (14:43):
Hello there, beautiful! Merry Christmas!
SPEAKER_04 (14:47):
Um, thanks.
SPEAKER_03 (14:49):
Hey there, Cat Lady, how you doing?
Merry Christmas! Um, this is myson.
Hey, guy who looks like all theghosts I saw last night.
SPEAKER_13 (14:58):
Merry Christmas! Thanks, sir.
Merry Christmas to you two.
And so Ebenezer Scrooge became anew man.
Generous, kind, and stillslightly confused with names.
Bob Crotchet.
SPEAKER_03 (15:12):
Here is your payment, along with your
Christmas bonus.
Oh, and good work this year.
By the way, your raise willstart after your one-week paid
vacation.
Effective immediately.
SPEAKER_09 (15:22):
One week after seven years?
(16:09):
Well, it's a start.
SPEAKER_03 (16:12):
Now, where is that brilliant little son of yours,
Timmy?
Who the f is this guy?
SPEAKER_13 (16:20):
Scrooge went on to find his old business partner's
family, and he re-signed a dealgiving them 50% of the profits.
Provided they each gave some oftheir earnings to the less
fortunate.
Scrooge himself continued togive most of his earnings to
others until passing away at theripe age of 93.
(16:41):
His tombstone read, Here LiesScrooge.
Not such a bad guy, but took asupernatural amount of effort to
see things clearly.
SPEAKER_15 (16:53):
You've been listening to a Christmas Carol
with the Afternoon Pine.
Thank you to the team at SwingEntertainment, Laura Fleming,
our AP Media Team, and all youwonderful listeners.
Well, I think that's a wrap,man.
Yeah, man.
Merry Christmas, buddy.
SPEAKER_09 (17:07):
Wait, I have something.
SPEAKER_15 (17:10):
Okay, yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_09 (17:12):
Great job on the special, by the way.
You really went overboard on mylines.
I love being a one-dimensionalconservative housewife.
SPEAKER_03 (17:21):
Okay, easy now.
We just revised the Christmascarol.
Peggy wasn't even in theoriginal script.
SPEAKER_09 (17:26):
All good.
Respect to the housewives.
Anyway, here's my story aboutChristmas.
Every Christmas Eve, I used tovisit a little house in the
small town where I grew up onShepherd's Point Road.
It was a bent little house,white paint peeling, windows
fogged from the inside, almostlike it was steaming from the
(17:47):
inside out.
I was told that nobody had livedthere for years.
The house used to frighten mebecause it was always dark.
The only house on the streetwithout Christmas lights.
There was an old lady who livedacross the street.
I used to ask her questionsnonstop as a kid.
Do you know who lived there?
Do you think there are ghosts?
Do you think it would be okay tobreak open the front door or a
(18:09):
window?
Can I go in there?
The old lady insisted the houseitself was alive, and damaging
it might cause it pain.
She said the windows were foggedbecause the house was sad and
missed people, and if I everwent inside, it might try to
trap me.
She told me that when I was onlyeight years old, it petrified
(18:30):
me.
One day, I went by to see her toask if anything new had happened
with the home.
When I couldn't find her, Iknocked on her door.
Her husband, a stern man with asad face, told me the tragic
news.
The old lady had died.
I was only nine.
Her husband was too frighteningto approach with more questions,
(18:53):
so I rarely visited that streetagain, except near Christmas.
Every Christmas Eve, I'd leave alittle gift on the front porch
of the house.
Something small.
Some knitted mittens, a pole ofpine cones with glitter and
holly.
Once I left a cassette tape ofmy favorite Christmas songs,
because I was sure the sad housewould enjoy it, even though I
(19:15):
didn't really understand howbuildings would listen to music.
As I got older, the traditionbecame less magical and more
necessary.
A place to leave the parts ofChristmas that were too heavy
for me to carry.
At 16, my best friend movedaway, so I left a photo of us.
At 19, when my parentsseparated, I left a note that
(19:38):
just said, please fix this.
At 23, when my brother movedacross the country and barely
called anymore, I left his oldBlue Jays hat.
Every year the house stoodthere, cold and patient, holding
my sadness for me.
Last Christmas, I hadn't plannedto go.
I felt too tired, stretched toothin, too adulthood-ish.
(20:05):
The kind of holiday where youcan't tell if you're busy or
just lonely and overwhelmed witherrands and things to do.
But something nudged at me.
The old ache of the place.
So I bundled up and walked theicy road I knew by heart.
When I got there, something wasdifferent.
For the first time in 20 years,the front door was cracked open.
(20:30):
The wind pushed it wider, andinside the little room glowed
with a soft amber light.
So I stepped closer, heartthudding, and I saw something
I'll never forget.
All the gifts I had ever left,the mittens, the pine cone bowl,
the photo, the note, the hat,they were all arranged on a
(20:53):
small wooden table, carefullyand thoughtfully.
It was as if someone had beenkeeping them safe all these
years.
I stood there in the doorway,swallowed by that warm light,
and felt that heavy feeling youget right before the cry you've
avoided for months.
Who had Done this and why?
How long had they been watching?
(21:15):
Did the house miss me too?
I don't know how long I stoodthere, letting every Christmas
that I've lived settle over melike falling snow.
Long enough that the cold didn'tmatter, long enough that the
silence felt like a hug.
And then I finally whispered,thank you.
In that moment, I felt theuniverse align into a single,
(21:38):
tender truth.
Like somehow the pain we bothcarried had been shared into one
unbreakable bond.
And then I heard a soft, raspyvoice whisper back.
Oh no! Not you! I couldn'tbelieve it.
That old bitch from across thestreet was still alive.
(22:00):
She had her husband lie to me asa kid because she thought I was
annoying.
Eventually, she found himannoying and she moved into the
foggy house by herself.
That cantankerous old bat didn'tput up Christmas lights once.
The end.
SPEAKER_08 (22:25):
Hope everyone's having an unreal holiday.
Big shout out to the AfternoonPine media team for managing my
content, creator, career, evenas they produce questionable
Christmas specials.
If your business needs support,big or small, hit up Afternoon
Pine and learn more about ourreputation for boosting foot
traffic with curatedstorytelling for your business.
Alright, here's a littleChristmas story for you all.
(22:46):
Merry Christmas for me, Becca,and my doggo Tucker.
Every year, Tommy Two Ticketmade one absolutely ridiculous
sports bet because he swore theuniverse owed him one miracle a
year.
Just one.
A coupon for destiny.
This year he threw all his faithinto the Jays winning the World
(23:06):
Series.
And for a second there, hethought the miracle was
miracling until Game 7 said,absolutely not, buddy.
By Christmas Eve, Tommy'smiracle tank was running on
fumes, so he went to the nuclearoption.
He was for the Toronto MapleEast to win the Stanley Cup.
Tommy tucked himself in, fullybelieving Santa was gonna pull
some strings.
But just when he drifted off,BAM! He's woken up by none other
(23:27):
than Santa Claus.
Big red unit himself.
Tommy jumps out of bed like, Ohmy goodness! You're real, he
yells.
Santa's like, oh, I get realwhen the stakes are high, bud.
So, your Christmas wish.
Tron winning the Stanley Cup.
You sure you wouldn't settle forthe Raptors?
No.
Blue Jays in 2026?
No.
Are you maybe a rugby guy?
(23:48):
No.
Well, here's the thing, he says.
Some miracles are not justpossible.
Here, take a new PS5 and thatApple Watch you wanted.
And one more thing.
Santa unbuttons his big redcoat.
Whoa! Santa, listen, I'm notthat kind of little helper.
Relax, Santa says.
I'm just showing you my jersey.
Inside is a giant glowing redsea.
(24:09):
Happ's all the way, loser! Santachirps before sparkling away
into the night.
And that night, Tommy finallyunderstood.
The universe does work inmysterious ways.
Just never in the least fans'favor.
The end.
SPEAKER_00 (24:26):
Good afternoon, pine listeners.
This is Christina Martin, andI'm so thrilled that somebody
wants to play uh my new holidaysingle, Sex, Drugs, and
Christmas time.
And there are other holidaysingles in my uh catalog, and
lots of other music, non-holidaymusic.
Uh, you can find my music onBandcamp, on my website,
(24:47):
ChristinaMartin.net, andanywhere that you stream music,
and of course, YouTube.
Uh happy holidays to everybodylistening, and uh wishing you
all an excellent and excitingnew year.
SPEAKER_10 (25:03):
It's a pretty sequin dress at your birthday and you
have this.
You know you want this, needthis, baby tonight.
With triple sack outfiscatingrig, you feel restless, repless,
(25:26):
baby tonight Sex, just Christmastime Sex, Jessica children away
(25:48):
Sugar pump visions in baby headswhile we parted, baby tonight
You take your brothers in a spottree Ginger bread, the only
thing that's sweet Storm onStoppers, Rockets, baby tonight
(26:12):
Sex Jets, Christmas, Jets, weall face the back to the sunrise
(26:32):
glow until it falls off the ballWe're going down, so it's cool
down high Light through theneighbors.
(26:53):
Yeah, we're gonna blow Show,baby tonight You rock it, Titsu
while you're on your knees We'regetting lit like a Christmas
tree on wrapping slowly, all itbaby tonight, sexual.
Good evening, dear listeners, and welcome to our
live radio podcast presentationof Charles Dickens' A Christmas
Carol.
This year, due to budgetrestraints, it will be performed
by two pub-loving podcasters whoprobably aren't suited for this
and absolutely should haverehearsed more.
Featuring appearances from filmdirector Elijah Bolton, actor
(00:53):
and swordsman Connor Locke,content creator Laura Fleming,
and stereotypically soundingnarration provided by me, Lewis
Coverdale.
Remember, don't be a Scroogethis holiday season.
Donate to your local food bank.
And if you donate, let theAfternoon Pint podcast know, and
they'll send you a very specialthank you gift.
SPEAKER_15 (01:17):
Thank you, Connor.
I'll be portraying ScroogeMcDuck.
Uh no.
Just Scrooge.
As in Ebenezer Scrooge.
Right, and you'll be the ghosts.
Yeah, I will be ghosts.
All of the ghosts.
Wish me luck.
SPEAKER_13 (01:34):
Let's begin.
Not too long ago, on ChristmasEve, Ebenezer Scrooge relaxed to
the soothing sounds of his moneycounter while counting the day's
profits.
He could have cared less aboutthe holiday season or for others
in general.
It was a cold and windy evening.
Conditions Scrooge felt wereperfect for keeping people away
(01:57):
from bothering him.
He grunted as soon as he heard aknock at the door.
SPEAKER_03 (02:17):
They're probably thinking, hey, let's go outside
to sing to the people who canactually afford to heat their
homes.
Like I want to open the door andfreeze my house out for a bunch
of sniffling carolers.
Snap-nosed mouth breathers.
For the love of God, who is itthis time?
SPEAKER_02 (02:34):
Hey, boss.
SPEAKER_05 (02:36):
Davy Crockett, how may I help you?
It's Bob.
Bob Crutchett.
Your clerksman.
I stayed late to get everythingin order, as you asked.
Okay, Bob.
You're telling me because I'dlike to go home now.
unknown (02:48):
Huh?
SPEAKER_05 (02:49):
Very well.
Off you go then.
Also, I need my week's pay?
Your week's pay?
Yeah.
Christmas is tomorrow.
SPEAKER_02 (02:59):
No.
Payday is tomorrow and it's aholiday, meaning I don't have to
pay you until the 26th.
I can come by tomorrow.
No need, Bob.
We're close tomorrow.
Off you go.
Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
Good night, Bob.
People are so needy this time ofyear.
SPEAKER_13 (03:22):
And with that, Scrooge went down for what he
hoped would be a truly silentnight.
Little did he know the spiritswanted to send him a special
message this Christmas, one thatwould hopefully resonate.
Not long into his slumber, hewas awakened by a familiar face.
A business partner he once had,not too long ago.
SPEAKER_03 (03:46):
Who's there?
SPEAKER_15 (03:50):
It is I, Jacob Marley, your business partner.
SPEAKER_03 (03:55):
Ah, yeah, uh Jacob.
Marley.
SPEAKER_15 (03:59):
No, Marley.
SPEAKER_03 (04:01):
Like Bob Marley?
SPEAKER_15 (04:03):
No relation.
Mon tonight you will be visitedby three ghosts from the past,
present, and the future.
SPEAKER_03 (04:12):
Three ghosts?
Nah, humbug.
Bob.
Time is money.
I'll speak with two ghosts, Max.
SPEAKER_15 (04:19):
They're dead.
They don't care about money oryour contrarian ways, Scrooge.
You will speak with three.
You will best listen carefully.
You're a horrendously greedy,morally corrupt, careless
businessman, and you do not wantto end up like me.
SPEAKER_03 (04:38):
End up like you?
You died choking on a turkeysandwich, moron.
I chew my food, and I keep mymouth closed when I'm eating.
Life tip.
SPEAKER_15 (04:47):
On my deathbed, you signed over my shares of our
company to yourself.
My family now starves withoutmoney.
SPEAKER_03 (04:56):
Consider that Darwinism at its finest, Marley.
Your family will developcharacter or they will perish.
This is not a concern of mine.
SPEAKER_15 (05:05):
You will change your ways, Scrooge, or your soul will
pay the price.
SPEAKER_03 (05:10):
Oh, will I?
Is Ghost of Rus gonna put me outof business?
I think not.
Off you go.
SPEAKER_15 (05:16):
Ha.
Wait and see, Mon.
Wait and see.
SPEAKER_03 (05:25):
I need to get back to sleep.
Where's my melatonin?
SPEAKER_13 (05:29):
Not long after Jacob Marley vanished, Scrooge fell
back to sleep before the firstof the three spirits arrived.
SPEAKER_03 (05:46):
You look just like the last guy.
Silence! Behold your childhood!Look! It's me as a boy, alone at
school, with no friends.
(06:06):
That's the janitor Scrooge.
SPEAKER_14 (06:09):
Look over there to the right.
SPEAKER_03 (06:12):
Wait! Is that me over there?
Am I happy?
Or those other little simpletonshanging around me?
SPEAKER_14 (06:21):
Those were your friends.
You once had many.
You were light and popular.
You enjoyed singing and makingpeople laugh.
SPEAKER_13 (06:32):
Scrooge's heart softened slightly, possibly a
side effect of the melatonin.
SPEAKER_03 (06:39):
Wow, yeah, I guess uh I don't remember that.
I only I only remember beinglonely.
SPEAKER_14 (06:45):
Oh.
Then you must have beenreferring to the girl you first
fell in love with, Susie Lu.
You brought her flowers andchocolate on one Christmas Eve.
But she wasn't interested.
She was a career woman, even inthe fifth grade, and she broke
your heart.
(07:06):
Oh, so because Cindy Lou Whorejected me, I turned into an
A-hole.
Susie Lu rejected you.
Cindy Lou Who is from the entiredifferent story.
But yes, that rejection early inthe life was one of the main
reasons that you became a classAw.
SPEAKER_03 (07:23):
Okay, wow.
So never thought of that.
So you're telling me if Irekindle my love with Mindy
Hulu, I'll be a happier person.
Are you going to introduce us?
SPEAKER_14 (07:32):
No.
That is not what I'm saying.
Forget the girl, focus on thelaughter, the playing the sing.
This is a wonderful side of youthat you now hide deeply and
despise in others.
SPEAKER_03 (07:44):
Do you know if this Hulu girl is married, or better
yet, widowed?
SPEAKER_14 (07:48):
God, Marley was right.
You're fing terrible.
How in the f are we supposed tochange your fing attitude?
This is a waste of time.
Fuck this, I'm out.
SPEAKER_03 (07:59):
Okay, whatever, same as the last ghost.
Like you couldn't have soundedmore like the last ghost.
Great acting! This is like theTimu of Christmas carols.
SPEAKER_13 (08:08):
Scrooge was confused by the first visit, especially
since he didn't get what hewanted.
Weary and cantankerous, he tooka few more melatonin and fell
asleep, soon to be awakened byspirit number two.
Uh ho ho ho.
SPEAKER_03 (08:26):
I'm the ghost of Christmas present.
Oh, are you now?
Yes, ho ho.
You sound like a bad mall storeSanta.
No, ho ho! But I guess I'm avariation.
I'm pure and jovial spirit, allabout giving and generosity.
Too bad you didn't slow ho downon the cookies, Muffin Top.
(08:47):
Thank you, wonderful insult.
SPEAKER_15 (08:49):
Now I'm opening a mystical portal so you can gaze
upon a kind little family.
Remember the other day when youdenied your clerk Bob Cradchit
his pay?
Well, since he couldn't get hismoney, he was owed, his son Tiny
Tim is paying the price.
Have a look through this portalso you can see how the lack of
(09:12):
giving can cause great pain.
SPEAKER_05 (09:19):
His cough is worsening.
SPEAKER_09 (09:21):
Well, if we had the money thanks to Scrooge not
coming through with yourpaycheck, we could afford
medicine.
Not to mention how terrible thisdamn liberal government is at
finding us a good doctor.
SPEAKER_04 (09:31):
Liberal government?
It was the conservatives whomade it all private.
Have you seen the insurancepremiums in the US?
We gotta even afford$40medicine.
We'd be bank dropped overTimmy's crutches.
SPEAKER_15 (09:41):
Um, skipping the political stuff a little bit.
SPEAKER_09 (09:47):
Anyway, the politics don't matter, and neither one of
us fact-checked.
All I want for Christmas is forTimmy to get healthy.
SPEAKER_03 (09:58):
Oh, Peggy.
Okay, this is just like twoparents overreacting about a
common cold.
SPEAKER_15 (10:04):
I think what you need, Scrooge, is patience with
a character development.
This is a chronically ill boy.
Bob, Peggy, can you help me outembellish a little bit?
SPEAKER_09 (10:15):
Got it, ghost.
Tim, we love you so very much.
You are the brightest light wehave ever received in this
world.
Try a little of my tea, it mighthelp your pop.
SPEAKER_07 (10:29):
I'm sorry, son.
I'm sorry I failed you, and Ipromise I'll do my best to get
us more money.
SPEAKER_06 (10:35):
I will leave that bastard Scrooge the moment I get
the final check, and I will finda better employer.
I hear Afternoon Pint Media hasconnected recruitment.
And if I email them atafternoonpintia at mail.com.
SPEAKER_09 (10:47):
You're advertising again, Bob.
Sorry, baby.
You're not a failure, Dad.
My god, another speaking role.
SPEAKER_07 (10:59):
Where'd they find the budget for this?
SPEAKER_12 (11:02):
You're anything but a failure, Dad.
Every day you go out there anddo your best.
For me.
For us.
Sometimes we lose, but we forgetthe many powerful ways.
(11:22):
We truly win by showingkindness, by admitting failure,
by trying again and inspiringothers to believe in themselves.
We must stop focusing on thethings that divide us and spend
our energy on becomingcollectively stronger.
(11:47):
Damn.
It's Christmas, and I love thistime with my family more than
anything.
Damn, impressive speech, boy.
SPEAKER_15 (12:00):
Okay, team.
Great work.
Thank you kindly.
Congratulations, family.
Gotta fast forward again now.
SPEAKER_02 (12:24):
What's this?
SPEAKER_03 (12:29):
A funeral?
Wait.
Is that Tim?
No.
No, I mean, gee! I I would havehired that kid.
Take me back! That's enough!Take me back!
SPEAKER_13 (12:44):
Now Scrooge's confusion was now heightened
with fear and sadness for theloss of Tiny Tim.
He felt genuine sorrow for Boband Peggy, and was now fully
conflicted about conservativeand liberal politics.
Before he could process thenightmare, he was confronted by
the third and final spirit.
SPEAKER_03 (13:16):
Wait! You're not talking!
SPEAKER_15 (13:21):
Um I'm the silent ghost.
SPEAKER_03 (13:26):
That's not gonna translate well on an audio-only
podcast.
Say something.
SPEAKER_14 (13:32):
Uh people I am future ghost.
SPEAKER_13 (13:35):
Future said you die.
Scrooge is shown a grave withhis name upon it.
The engraving reads, Here liesScrooge, a forgotten monster.
Accurate.
Quiet now, quiet ghost.
Everything flashed beforeScrooge's eyes, his childhood,
(13:56):
his loneliness, the people hisgreedy decisions affected, his
legacy.
The ghost of the future spokeonce more.
You will be replaced by AI.
SPEAKER_03 (14:19):
I'm alive! The ghost has spared me.
SPEAKER_13 (14:23):
I know what I must do.
Scrooge barely gets on hisovercoat and top hat before
running out into the bright,blustery, holiday-decorated
town.
Over his shoulder is a giantsack filled with cash.
He greets villagers, many ofwhom are meeting him for the
very first time, handing outwands of money.
SPEAKER_03 (14:43):
Hello there, beautiful! Merry Christmas!
SPEAKER_04 (14:47):
Um, thanks.
SPEAKER_03 (14:49):
Hey there, Cat Lady, how you doing?
Merry Christmas! Um, this is myson.
Hey, guy who looks like all theghosts I saw last night.
SPEAKER_13 (14:58):
Merry Christmas! Thanks, sir.
Merry Christmas to you two.
And so Ebenezer Scrooge became anew man.
Generous, kind, and stillslightly confused with names.
Bob Crotchet.
SPEAKER_03 (15:12):
Here is your payment, along with your
Christmas bonus.
Oh, and good work this year.
By the way, your raise willstart after your one-week paid
vacation.
Effective immediately.
SPEAKER_09 (15:22):
One week after seven years?
(16:09):
Well, it's a start.
SPEAKER_03 (16:12):
Now, where is that brilliant little son of yours,
Timmy?
Who the f is this guy?
SPEAKER_13 (16:20):
Scrooge went on to find his old business partner's
family, and he re-signed a dealgiving them 50% of the profits.
Provided they each gave some oftheir earnings to the less
fortunate.
Scrooge himself continued togive most of his earnings to
others until passing away at theripe age of 93.
(16:41):
His tombstone read, Here LiesScrooge.
Not such a bad guy, but took asupernatural amount of effort to
see things clearly.
SPEAKER_15 (16:53):
You've been listening to a Christmas Carol
with the Afternoon Pine.
Thank you to the team at SwingEntertainment, Laura Fleming,
our AP Media Team, and all youwonderful listeners.
Well, I think that's a wrap,man.
Yeah, man.
Merry Christmas, buddy.
SPEAKER_09 (17:07):
Wait, I have something.
SPEAKER_15 (17:10):
Okay, yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_09 (17:12):
Great job on the special, by the way.
You really went overboard on mylines.
I love being a one-dimensionalconservative housewife.
SPEAKER_03 (17:21):
Okay, easy now.
We just revised the Christmascarol.
Peggy wasn't even in theoriginal script.
SPEAKER_09 (17:26):
All good.
Respect to the housewives.
Anyway, here's my story aboutChristmas.
Every Christmas Eve, I used tovisit a little house in the
small town where I grew up onShepherd's Point Road.
It was a bent little house,white paint peeling, windows
fogged from the inside, almostlike it was steaming from the
(17:47):
inside out.
I was told that nobody had livedthere for years.
The house used to frighten mebecause it was always dark.
The only house on the streetwithout Christmas lights.
There was an old lady who livedacross the street.
I used to ask her questionsnonstop as a kid.
Do you know who lived there?
Do you think there are ghosts?
Do you think it would be okay tobreak open the front door or a
(18:09):
window?
Can I go in there?
The old lady insisted the houseitself was alive, and damaging
it might cause it pain.
She said the windows were foggedbecause the house was sad and
missed people, and if I everwent inside, it might try to
trap me.
She told me that when I was onlyeight years old, it petrified
(18:30):
me.
One day, I went by to see her toask if anything new had happened
with the home.
When I couldn't find her, Iknocked on her door.
Her husband, a stern man with asad face, told me the tragic
news.
The old lady had died.
I was only nine.
Her husband was too frighteningto approach with more questions,
(18:53):
so I rarely visited that streetagain, except near Christmas.
Every Christmas Eve, I'd leave alittle gift on the front porch
of the house.
Something small.
Some knitted mittens, a pole ofpine cones with glitter and
holly.
Once I left a cassette tape ofmy favorite Christmas songs,
because I was sure the sad housewould enjoy it, even though I
(19:15):
didn't really understand howbuildings would listen to music.
As I got older, the traditionbecame less magical and more
necessary.
A place to leave the parts ofChristmas that were too heavy
for me to carry.
At 16, my best friend movedaway, so I left a photo of us.
At 19, when my parentsseparated, I left a note that
(19:38):
just said, please fix this.
At 23, when my brother movedacross the country and barely
called anymore, I left his oldBlue Jays hat.
Every year the house stoodthere, cold and patient, holding
my sadness for me.
Last Christmas, I hadn't plannedto go.
I felt too tired, stretched toothin, too adulthood-ish.
(20:05):
The kind of holiday where youcan't tell if you're busy or
just lonely and overwhelmed witherrands and things to do.
But something nudged at me.
The old ache of the place.
So I bundled up and walked theicy road I knew by heart.
When I got there, something wasdifferent.
For the first time in 20 years,the front door was cracked open.
(20:30):
The wind pushed it wider, andinside the little room glowed
with a soft amber light.
So I stepped closer, heartthudding, and I saw something
I'll never forget.
All the gifts I had ever left,the mittens, the pine cone bowl,
the photo, the note, the hat,they were all arranged on a
(20:53):
small wooden table, carefullyand thoughtfully.
It was as if someone had beenkeeping them safe all these
years.
I stood there in the doorway,swallowed by that warm light,
and felt that heavy feeling youget right before the cry you've
avoided for months.
Who had Done this and why?
How long had they been watching?
(21:15):
Did the house miss me too?
I don't know how long I stoodthere, letting every Christmas
that I've lived settle over melike falling snow.
Long enough that the cold didn'tmatter, long enough that the
silence felt like a hug.
And then I finally whispered,thank you.
In that moment, I felt theuniverse align into a single,
(21:38):
tender truth.
Like somehow the pain we bothcarried had been shared into one
unbreakable bond.
And then I heard a soft, raspyvoice whisper back.
Oh no! Not you! I couldn'tbelieve it.
That old bitch from across thestreet was still alive.
(22:00):
She had her husband lie to me asa kid because she thought I was
annoying.
Eventually, she found himannoying and she moved into the
foggy house by herself.
That cantankerous old bat didn'tput up Christmas lights once.
The end.
SPEAKER_08 (22:25):
Hope everyone's having an unreal holiday.
Big shout out to the AfternoonPine media team for managing my
content, creator, career, evenas they produce questionable
Christmas specials.
If your business needs support,big or small, hit up Afternoon
Pine and learn more about ourreputation for boosting foot
traffic with curatedstorytelling for your business.
Alright, here's a littleChristmas story for you all.
(22:46):
Merry Christmas for me, Becca,and my doggo Tucker.
Every year, Tommy Two Ticketmade one absolutely ridiculous
sports bet because he swore theuniverse owed him one miracle a
year.
Just one.
A coupon for destiny.
This year he threw all his faithinto the Jays winning the World
(23:06):
Series.
And for a second there, hethought the miracle was
miracling until Game 7 said,absolutely not, buddy.
By Christmas Eve, Tommy'smiracle tank was running on
fumes, so he went to the nuclearoption.
He was for the Toronto MapleEast to win the Stanley Cup.
Tommy tucked himself in, fullybelieving Santa was gonna pull
some strings.
But just when he drifted off,BAM! He's woken up by none other
(23:27):
than Santa Claus.
Big red unit himself.
Tommy jumps out of bed like, Ohmy goodness! You're real, he
yells.
Santa's like, oh, I get realwhen the stakes are high, bud.
So, your Christmas wish.
Tron winning the Stanley Cup.
You sure you wouldn't settle forthe Raptors?
No.
Blue Jays in 2026?
No.
Are you maybe a rugby guy?
(23:48):
No.
Well, here's the thing, he says.
Some miracles are not justpossible.
Here, take a new PS5 and thatApple Watch you wanted.
And one more thing.
Santa unbuttons his big redcoat.
Whoa! Santa, listen, I'm notthat kind of little helper.
Relax, Santa says.
I'm just showing you my jersey.
Inside is a giant glowing redsea.
(24:09):
Happ's all the way, loser! Santachirps before sparkling away
into the night.
And that night, Tommy finallyunderstood.
The universe does work inmysterious ways.
Just never in the least fans'favor.
The end.
SPEAKER_00 (24:26):
Good afternoon, pine listeners.
This is Christina Martin, andI'm so thrilled that somebody
wants to play uh my new holidaysingle, Sex, Drugs, and
Christmas time.
And there are other holidaysingles in my uh catalog, and
lots of other music, non-holidaymusic.
Uh, you can find my music onBandcamp, on my website,
(24:47):
ChristinaMartin.net, andanywhere that you stream music,
and of course, YouTube.
Uh happy holidays to everybodylistening, and uh wishing you
all an excellent and excitingnew year.
SPEAKER_10 (25:03):
It's a pretty sequin dress at your birthday and you
have this.
You know you want this, needthis, baby tonight.
With triple sack outfiscatingrig, you feel restless, repless,
(25:26):
baby tonight Sex, just Christmastime Sex, Jessica children away
(25:48):
Sugar pump visions in baby headswhile we parted, baby tonight
You take your brothers in a spottree Ginger bread, the only
thing that's sweet Storm onStoppers, Rockets, baby tonight
(26:12):
Sex Jets, Christmas, Jets, weall face the back to the sunrise
(26:32):
glow until it falls off the ballWe're going down, so it's cool
down high Light through theneighbors.
(26:53):
Yeah, we're gonna blow Show,baby tonight You rock it, Titsu
while you're on your knees We'regetting lit like a Christmas
tree on wrapping slowly, all itbaby tonight, sexual.
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