November 8, 2024 • 40 mins
What happens when you embrace both your inner darkness and light? Join us as Kate, an inspiring guest who lives with Crouzon syndrome, opens up about her remarkable journey of self-discovery and resilience. Through the silence of the pandemic, Kate bravely faced societal judgment and internal chaos, learning to trust her intuition and embrace her inner child. She shares the profound lesson that acknowledging our struggles and practicing self-compassion can be transformative, especially when society conditions us to put others first.
Expressions of emotions have evolved over generations, and Kate's story touches on this transition, shedding light on the power of authenticity and open communication. Through her experiences with medical challenges and a complex surgery that led to a long recovery, Kate highlights the necessity of support and understanding, particularly during critical teenage years. This narrative underscores the struggle with transferred anger and the path toward self-acceptance, encouraging a dialogue on growth in parenting and personal development.
Personal trauma, healing, and empathy form a complex relationship that both Kate and I have navigated. My own journey through trauma, recovery, and finding purpose resonated strongly during the pandemic, as I learned to listen to my inner child and embrace the strength gained from my past. Together, we explore how these experiences shape us into stronger individuals and help transform us from victims to heroes in our own stories. Through self-discovery and reflection, we emphasize the importance of self-love and authenticity, inviting listeners to recognize their worth and the unique purpose behind every aspect of their being.
Connect with Kate:
Instagram: @gootz1980
TikTok: @gootz1980
LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/gootziegirl1111
GrowthDay app offers tools, content, coaching, and community for self-improvement and success.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the less than 1% chance.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I hope you are doing fantastictoday.
I am so excited to bring thisguest on.
I just chatted with her alittle bit before we started
recording and, yeah, I feel likewhen you meet somebody that is
(00:41):
like, oh, you were like totallymeant to be in my atmosphere, I
felt that here with her, solet's just jump in.
So Kate was born with cruzansyndrome.
It would be a genetic mutationor the role that would send her
life into a downward spiral.
She began chasing an identitywhile slowly losing her
(01:05):
self-worth and love for herself.
She began to wear many masks toavoid the feelings and then the
pandemic happened and she wasfaced with her ultimate fear
silence.
I think we were all in thatkind of like oh my gosh, what
are we going to do?
Because we don't have anythingbut us now.
But with that, she had choices,right?
(01:26):
Does she take the time tolisten to her inner child
screaming at her, or does shefind other ways to escape, avoid
and run from these problems andliving a life that she no
longer aligned with?
So, kate, welcome, I'm soexcited to have you on.
Give us an idea of how yourAgainst All Odds story started.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, first, thank you for having me.
I love the intro and I trulyreflect and feel the same way as
divine timing and divinepurpose of alignment, of people
getting brought together.
It's so synchronized and I justfeel like that's where my
journey is nowadays.
So that made me smell evenbigger because I was like see,
(02:08):
alignment, it's for real we bothfeel the same.
It's living proof.
And I guess where my lightbegan as a child it was so
different.
Obviously I was two when mylife changed forever in a day
and I was too young to remember.
But what was instilled in me,what was conditioned into me
afterwards, was what took me ona downward spiral, because it
(02:32):
was my, I would say, angelic,inner, loving child that just
saw life as just pure love andkindness.
And then there was the noise,the verbal abuse of society
judging me and looking at me,and that was out of my control,
which kind of taught me that Ihad to have control in something
, even though I was losingcontrol and everything, and that
(02:55):
for me was a fear, because thatsilence brought chaos in my
head.
You got your devil living onyour shoulder and you're you
want to see good in everyone,but then you're feeling all the
bad of everyone and it's likebut not everyone's bad, and it
was just a battle and it's aninternal struggle for real but
(03:16):
the noise is your own.
Yeah, and that's the craziestpart, because you think it's a
child like who's talking to me.
It's your inner child tellingyou pull back those intuitions
that I didn't really ever listento, or walk away or build up
those affirmations of whatthey're saying is not true.
Don't believe it.
Don't believe it untilobviously it was just much later
(03:39):
in life and you're like god.
That's a lot of work you have todo yeah you, I don't like to
say fix, because they are brokenpieces of us, but they're
bruised pieces, they're pieces.
And that's where I'm learningthat compassion is like.
You're not broken.
You never were.
You just dealt with a lot ofstuff that now you get to make
(03:59):
that healthy choice of lovingeven more because now.
I'm in darkness and my lightyeah, I think that it's.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
that's beautiful for many reasons, but mostly like
when we figure out that all ofthose different parts of us are
there somehow or another toprotect us somehow, or another
to love us to protect us somehow, or another to love us.
(04:28):
They all have a purpose.
So that anger in us is who?
The part of you that that seesyour worth better than any?
But any other part of youbecause if they're angry it's
usually because of some type ofinjustice that they that you
know that you're worth more thanthat, and they're the ones that
stand up.
They're like Nope, this is, I'mlike sounding the alarm.
(04:51):
This is not okay and we tend topush those feelings down.
And it's so profound when wejust have empathy for those
feelings and give themvalidation and say it's okay,
I've got me, thank you for forbeing there yeah, and I think
(05:14):
that was the biggest thinglearning it's okay to not be
okay.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Yeah, I wasn't okay then I just didn't want my story
to overshadow somebody else'sgrief, like it was just that I
was that big but small.
How I played that role isbecause it was like my somebody
has it worse than me, yeah,always have it worse than me.
So I need the whole compassionfor them.
But that also deflects what Ineed to do with myself yeah
(05:39):
you're not talking matter too.
Yeah, it's a.
It's what was conditioned to me.
That was a reminder for myfamily and not by any means of
hurting me, but it was to remindme like you are lucky and I'm
like I am lucky I have a family.
You know, I was raised in agreat neighborhood that loved me
and embraced me, where it couldhave been worse and I am so I
instilled those thoughts in myhead.
(06:00):
But it also pushed away thescreaming pains of I, I'm broke,
like I'm broke and I feel hurt.
I'm in pain.
I'm only eight or I'm only six.
I'm feeling all these feelingsand I don't like the way the
world's treating me.
How do I fix that?
But it's like I can't.
I gotta fix me.
And it's just like.
You don't know how to say thatas a child.
(06:20):
So that's where I just silentlybattled.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yeah, there always reflected strength and
positivity yeah, yes, and people, I feel like that sometimes the
toxic positivity right that weare, oh, we have to be positive,
even if we're like feelingwe're dying inside.
No, it's okay to acknowledgethose feelings were crumbling
(06:43):
inside and react to it in apositive way.
So I think there's differencebetween like, oh, the sky is got
rainbows and sunshine and it'slike gloomy and everything
outside, right.
I think that you can't justcover your the sun with your
(07:05):
hand, like it just won't go away, like that.
I think that we have toacknowledge that it's gloomy,
but that gloominess like there'sgoing to be another day with
sunshine and rainbows and butter, like all of that I think
that's where we get.
So, because I used to be thetoxic positive oh, it's okay,
everything happens for a reasonand I wasn't acknowledging the
(07:26):
parts of me that needed to bevalidated for feeling what I was
feeling, that needed to feelacknowledged and loved and not
judged for feeling the ways.
And then, once I learned thatit isn't about like, everything
happens for a reason, I thinkthat we could find purpose and
meaning behind everything and Ithink that's where things start
(07:50):
to shift.
If I can go through all thethings that I went through and
you can go through all thethings that you went through and
find a purpose and a meaningbehind it.
It's different than having areason for it to have it happen.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (08:04):
I feel like I'm like having a mirrored, like you're
just me right now and it is.
It's the mind shift, but it wasdoing the work.
Yeah, get to that mind shift.
And I was the same way.
I was like I'm just sittinghere listening.
I'm just staring at myselflistening to my melody.
I'm like good job, kate.
Like good as you're, as I'm soproud of you.
(08:25):
I'm like good job, kate, likegood as you're, as I'm so proud
of you.
I'm like good job, kate.
Like this is where you're at.
Like like wow four years ago,the pandemic.
Could I picture this?
No, I didn't know what I saw.
It's like drowning in depths ofwater and you slowly see the
sunlight fade away, because thefurther you sink, the darker it
(08:45):
gets and it you lose that hope.
And all my life I held on tohope, but that was where the
surgeries went wrong, which Iwas chasing the surgeries to fix
the outer, but really it wasthe inner.
I can't do anything to change myouter appearance, love my outer
appearance.
But how do I do that?
First I gotta go with it andlove everything about me, which
(09:08):
means my darkness, my toxicparts of me, because they were
there and you said itbeautifully it's like they're
there to protect you.
That ego is there.
It's like we can't shame ourego or ego our ego is what kind
of?
For me at least, is what got methrough those?
Really it's a being pulled awayfrom your mother who takes care
(09:30):
of you in and out of thehospital, but being pulled away
into another surgery where theyjust kind of de-degarm you and
you're just vulnerable and nakedand afraid and there's nobody
there, because no doctor I everfeel has that sense of
compassion in the operating room.
But they are for for yeah, theyhave a job to do and they're
gonna get that job done alwayshighlight nurses and their
(09:53):
empathy and their love andthat's who I connect with,
because that's who I am and,like I've had many nurses come
and see me shaking and tearsjust getting bigger and bigger
my eyes and they'll hold my handlike my mom would be doing.
Yeah, they were that extension,they were like those little
angels that that haven't sentmotherly intuition and and I
(10:18):
praise all nurses I've neverexperienced even a nurse on a
bad day.
I still still praise because Isee right through it.
They're not not being seen orvalidated for their hard work,
and they have to go home withall that and then be a mom or a
wife or anything and it's just alot and you can feel all that
(10:38):
intensity and then you say, likeI understand why you're having
a bad day.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Yeah, that's because you go over a doctor, because my
experiences with doctors istotally opposite so can you give
us a little bit of backgroundon what exactly is this syndrome
and like what?
What transpired in yourchildhood?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
so carousel syndrome is a genetic malformation of one
gene.
Just just one gene mutated, andwhat that means for me is the
bones in my skull were fusedtogether, so there was no soft
spot.
So then, as I'm growing, mybrain's developing, it can't
expand, which was obviouslybecome detrimental to eyesight,
(11:21):
hearing, brain damage or death.
Detrimental to eyesight,hearing, brain damage or death.
And so they have to back.
Then and this is the other hardpart is because what we were
talking about healing andeverything else is in 1980s.
Like people don't talk abouttheir feelings, people didn't do
all that sharing.
So that plays another vitalrole in like crazy, how you
think of it that way where Ilove this generation, the
(11:41):
younger generations, becausenothing's stopping them.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
No, and they tell you everything.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
My nephew who is in sixth grade is just like.
I feel this right now.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Oh, yeah, right, my youngest daughter.
She's 15 and she's still ateenager, so she has her moments
.
However, when I go with her toa counseling appointment or
whatever, I'm just blown away.
I'm like how do you even knowhow to express this?
(12:13):
I didn't even learn this untilI was an adult.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
I don't know, but you fear that to her, which is
amazing.
That's the beautiful gift ofwatching your growth.
Your daughter sees thatreflection and then becomes that
which is what our kids needmore of, is more, not even just
positive reflection, but growthand understanding and
acknowledgement and authenticityand transparency, just truth
(12:39):
with ourselves.
Like I'm not okay, okay, well,I see that.
Thank you for sharing.
Like, oh my god, this adultjust told me they're not okay
and it's okay to not be okay.
Yeah, so in order to go back.
So I had the surgery it wassupposed to be.
Now it's like a one, two, threesurgery, or it's the halo, and
I'm not sure if you've ever seenyoung children with the halo.
(13:01):
It's like they put this verybarbaric contraption but it
pulls their face forward veryslowly, meticulously, without
any repercussions or damage, andit's actually.
The results are amazing.
When I see, with technology, wedidn't have that.
Unfortunately, the CAT scanjust came out.
It was limited, but my doctorwas a part of this whole new
(13:27):
program where they teamed upwith other doctors from other
hospitals, which was never donebefore, and there was only three
doctors that specialized incraniofacial syndromes two in
Chicago, one in Texas and I justhappened to have the pick of
the litter is what I call it,and he wanted to promote it.
So he had the news, everything.
(13:49):
So he lied within his ego.
It was more about him, notabout me or anyone else.
It was about him.
And so we had the surgery 19hour surgery and he pulled my
face entirely forward like ahockey mask yeah pulled so hard
that it just snapped back,shattered every bone in my face,
but he closed me up and told myparents everything went
(14:11):
smoothly and left me to die,basically.
So I had an angel that day withme and forever.
I'm grateful.
I wish I had her number becauseI would love to find her.
I've been trying to search forher.
I know she lives in Michigan,but that's as far as I've gotten
so far in my search.
But she was a counselor, agenetic counselor.
(14:35):
So basically, if you learn thatyour child has cancer or
anything else, I call the griefcounselor in a way Teach the
parents of what to expect.
She was asked to watch thesurgery.
So she got to sit in on thesurgery, which is never, ever
done before, and it's a female.
And so because she got to watchit, she chose her soul or her
(14:57):
career.
And she chose her soul and toldmy parents, ask a lot of
questions and then got fired forit, obviously because there was
a lawsuit.
But he didn't have to do, hedidn't lose his license.
That's all my parents wantedwas for him to lose his license,
but he just he went on to dowhatever he did.
But I held a lot of angerbecause my parents did.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
I was young so it was like transferred to you totally
transferred because that wastoo.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
I didn't know the man , but I was angry as I was
chasing these surgeries tryingto fix what he broke.
But unfortunately, when heclosed me up, there was staph
infection, there was MRSA, allthe things that was eating away
all the bones that were left.
So there wasn't much to workwith.
And the more surgeries you have, the more scar tissue you have
to deal with.
(15:42):
It becomes one painful, but twojust difficult, because now you
can't really create anythingfrom scratch.
You've got to do plates andeverything else, and it was
tough for my doctor who saved mylife, but he did a great job
and I I just finally realized Ithink I was 21 I was like I
(16:04):
can't keep doing this, when Iwas at the lowest of my lows.
I'm like these surgeries arenot giving me the results I
desire and people keep promisingme these false promises and I'm
just holding on so tightly tothose thoughts and at least I've
done.
My body cannot take this like Idon't even know even at eight.
(16:25):
I stopped at eight and I told myparents I'm like I just want to
be a kid.
I missed a lot of school andI'm like I just want to be a kid
.
But then puberty hit and I waslike I don't ever want to feel
like that, never again.
Puberty like allowed all theseemotions to come through,
allowed my ego basically to justgo and it was, and everyone
(16:46):
that dealt with me was just likeI don't know what to do with
you, like I don't know what Ican offer you.
Counselors like our schoolcounselor had no clue what to
say to me.
It was as if they never weretaught this like yeah different.
Now I just was blown away likehow is it this your job, but yet
you don't?
(17:06):
I'd like question myself, like,am I that different looking?
Am I just?
Speaker 2 (17:11):
yeah, why can't they help me?
If they help others, it's notfair.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
People who have burned or anything else.
I'm like how do they getthrough life?
Like, why am I?
But I just kept attackingmyself over and over it was yes,
that just grew.
And then teenage years were theworst years for me.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Yeah, I bet I could just only imagine because you
think these people are here tothey're supposed to help me like
, am I not that helpable is thatso far to ask for me to just be
helped and not feel the waythat I'm feeling?
And yeah, so I?
(17:51):
I can definitely understandthat.
That's insane.
I feel like it is so dangerousfor people to practice medicine
when they can only just thinkabout the ego or how they'll be
(18:13):
yeah that's really, really hardto wrap your head around,
because they made an oath tohelp people and so it really
it's.
But at the same time, if we lookback, I feel like you have to
have some empathy for peoplethat have that much trouble
(18:35):
having or taming their own ego.
It's it like what did they haveto go through to have to protect
themselves in that way?
I've been sexually assaultedwhen I was 16 and I feel like
obviously, that is just notsomething that I would want
(18:58):
anyone to ever go through.
It's horrible.
You like question everything.
However, now, going through myown healing journey and many
hours of therapy and justself-reflection and everything,
I have to have some type ofempathy.
I don't want to say compassion,because I don't have compassion
(19:20):
for what he did at all, but Ifeel like I have to have empathy
, for you had to be in a reallyreally bad space in your life to
have to do that or to be ableto do that right.
There had to have beensomething really, really wrong
or tough that you went throughyourself to have to be in the
(19:44):
spot where you could do that tosomebody else.
So just yeah, I feel like I'mdefinitely a more evolved
version of myself when I thinkabout those things, people that
do wrong us, and you have tolook at it like okay, well, I
could choose to continue to stayangry and live with this
(20:07):
dis-ease in my body whichcreates disease.
I fully fully attest to thatmyself.
I fully fully attest to thatmyself.
(20:32):
Or I can look at the fact that Ifound purpose.
I am a voice for people,especially for women, but for
people that are have cancerbecause of this kind of abuse.
I'm a voice for people that gothrough infertility because of
this kind of abuse, and I mightjust have done some good with
the situation that I was dealtwith and it just shifts it
enough to be like I'm gratefulfor my story because I am who I
(20:56):
am because of my story and I'mhere and I'm as strong and
resilient and my story is worthit.
I feel like my story is biggerthan me.
It's meant for others to seethat they can not only face
things that are tough, but getthrough it and come out much
(21:17):
better on the other side, and Ifeel like very much aligned with
you in that sense.
I feel like you've healed thatpart of you enough so that
you're like I wouldn't be thisawesome person that I am today
if I wouldn't have gone throughall the things.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
X, y and Z.
Yeah, they all played a biggerrole that I might not have
understood then.
But I have the luxury ofunderstanding and appreciating
now, even more so Because I canlook at my past and say, okay,
probably don't want to repeat it, don't wish it upon anybody,
however, yeah, I never did, Evenin my darkest moments.
(22:00):
I never wished this upon anyoneor anything.
That people have to go throughand that's where my empathetic
heart comes in play is becauseI've always been sensitive, but
I was always judged for mysensitivity.
I was like, well, I'm damned ifI my sensitivity.
I was like well, I'm like I'mdamned if I do and I'm damned if
I don't, because people aren'tgetting the fact that like my
(22:22):
life isn't like one of it.
I learned the big lessons whatyou see, what people put out
there on Instagram or socialmedia, it tells a story, but you
could, if you could feel it inyour soul and you connect there.
You're like that's not theirstory, they're connecting
something and it's like damn.
I hope they find their realstory.
I hope they find theirauthenticity because it's
beautiful.
I just wish for them to see itone day.
(22:44):
And what it boils down to islike God, I got to this place
where I don't look at the pain,but I don't hear the voices
anymore, even if people do saysomething, a comment, in the
streets.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
See it like that anymore.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's like oh yeah
, oh, I'm sorry that you're in aplace where you.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
You know, because it's like I can only imagine so
many different things are goingon when I work in a high school,
so that that is a hugetestimony of what are you doing.
Like the universe really wantedme to work through these
problems.
I grew up in a high school allgirls Catholic high school so it
was fine for me.
I was popular but never feltpopular.
That was where I was.
(23:29):
I was like I could haveeveryone in my corner, but I
felt the most alone because Iput myself in this tiny little
box and I shut myself away,because I didn't want the
darkest parts of me out, becauseI feared the darkest parts of
me, One of those lost intranslations.
I was the translation of myjourney.
(23:49):
I just slowly found myself indifferent moments, and that was
like a blessing of what thepandemic did for me.
It was like are you done beingthe victim of your story, or are
you going to be the hero?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Yeah, so this might be a loaded question, but how
did you decide to listen to theinner child during the pandemic
and what did that kind of looklike?
Speaker 3 (24:16):
Yeah, Not so loaded.
Well, I will share this.
When I was in my teens and whatI felt during the pandemic was
exactly what I felt.
I was 16, and it was the lowestof lows and that right time at
the right moment.
And then I not just heard as Iwas screaming, crying into a
(24:46):
pillow and no one could hear me,and I heard that your life
serves a greater purpose and Ikept hearing that over and over
my head.
I was like, okay, somebody istalking to me, but that's not me
saying it.
I just don't.
At the time I was like I don'tconnect.
But okay, yeah, I'm gonna holdon to that.
It was like that inner childwas always there to help me have
(25:07):
hope.
And so later on pandemic fastforward and it was the same
thing and it was just I'm alone,I live my own home and I can't
see my parents and our eighthouses down and I'm a hunter.
I'm just.
I'm that person and I couldfeel all of the residualness of
me, of my past coming up, justboiling, boiling and boiling,
(25:31):
and I just felt that samefeeling of that darkness and the
silence okay and that's what Ijust knew.
I was like well, I know I'm notin a place where I don't want to
end my life, but this could bethe breaking point of like do
you want to stand at this cliffand jump, or do you want to
stand at this clip and soar?
(25:53):
and I just soar and I was likeI'm just gonna have to do what I
never did before and just setmyself free and just feel and
understand and journal and writeand be creative.
And I had a best friend at thetime that kind of helped guide
me through that too, and she wasthe one that I'm forever
grateful for.
That kind of pushed me towardsa creative outlet of share your
(26:14):
story on TikTok, share whatyou're going through.
And I was like I'm veryextrovert, outgoing, but
creative stuff I didn't knowabout.
But then I did.
I waited I held off for monthsas I was doing the work and
getting outside, working out,doing the things that I really
enjoy on my own.
And then one day I was like Iwas redoing this office.
(26:35):
I didn't know why yet.
I was just redoing this office,which had a greater purpose it
would be my podcast office.
But I just heard this innerpart of me like you're ready, go
get the camera, go get yourphone, go set it up.
You're ready to do your firstTikTok.
And then I did.
And then I was like okay.
So TikTok was my time capsule ofsharing, because you could for
(26:57):
at least for me, I could see theups and downs of what I was
going through.
I could also see that ego of meof portraying what's really not
authentic, I guess, I would say, because it was like damn.
I just didn't know how toverbalize what it was I was
experiencing just yet.
Yeah, trying to be somethingfor people to say hey, this is
(27:18):
me, though I'm still gonna putit out there.
This is me, this is whathealing looks like.
It's not fun, it's yeah no, it'snot fun yeah it's not unicorns
and bunny rabbits.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
That's for sure, definitely not.
It's digging into a lot of darklike thoughts and all of that.
Yeah, I can, oh my gosh,totally align with all of that.
So give me kind of an idea ofhow you would describe yourself
as a child, as a teenager andnow as an adult.
Speaker 3 (27:50):
A child, I would say I found joy in everything I
majority of my pictures, even inhospital beds, are me smiling
or me sharing my toys with.
I remember a lot of patientswho were left alone, who didn't
have that luxury of appearance,staying overnight like I did,
and so I would have my mom gohold the baby that was in the
(28:12):
corner crying, or bring over mystuffed animal to that person.
But that was me.
I always played doctor, playednurse, always pretending to take
care of everyone.
It was just simply how who Iwas.
When I was a snuggler I wasquiet, I was more shy,
definitely as a kid.
As a teenager I wasrambunctious, I was rebelling.
(28:33):
I felt like I had it all, allthe friends.
I created the teen mascot forour school.
So I was that girl, but it wasfor all the wrong attention
reason.
It was just I was lost.
I was a deeply lost soul inhigh school.
No, you are like, is that whatyou said?
The no is.
I'm an introvert and extrovert.
(28:54):
I love my peace, I love myspace, I set my boundaries and,
but I love entertaining, like Ilove bringing out my energy
because my energy is high.
Yeah, my co-workers are like ohgod and I shared this with
another person is I have a brandnew co-worker.
She was on maternity leavefirst semester.
She came second semester.
She's so quiet, but she's socalm and peaceful, totally
(29:17):
opposite of me, and I'm like thegirl that has fairy wings
hanging in her classroom when Iput them on the room as well.
I'm a special ed teacher, solike I just frolic around and
I'm pulling off like a Jim JimCarrey moment.
And he's Ventura, I love it.
So it just depends.
But I put everything out there.
I won't hold back tears if I'mbeing sensitive.
I won't run from anythinganymore.
(29:39):
I acknowledge it and I won'tapologize.
That's probably the biggestthing I stopped doing is saying
I'm sorry.
Like what am I sorry for?
I'm sorry to everything.
I'm sorry I'm crying, or I'msorry I'm doing this, or I'm
sorry I feel this way.
No, no, no, no, no.
You take accountability when youneed to yeah absolutely when I
do wrong or when I misjudge, andit's like I'm not perfect and I
(30:01):
definitely say that to everyone.
It's like I'm not perfect and Idefinitely say that to everyone
.
It's like I'm not perfect evenwhen I'm doing all this stuff.
You might think there soundslike I'm being perfect.
I'm not like I'm happy and I'mpositive because that my mind is
shifting and I enjoy the joy oflife now because you serve a
purpose.
But in order to get to seethose purpose, it's not like you
can just fake it.
(30:22):
I can't fake it till I make it.
Everyone else like I I'm gonna,uh, be the worst actress ever
because I can't make it.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
I can't yeah, I definitely test to that.
Um, yeah it I.
I feel you, though, like I'm anextrovert full through and
through.
However, as I've gotten older,I feel like I have really
enjoyed home and just my quiettime, and it just re-energizes
(30:53):
me, and then I'm back againexactly.
Yeah, I mean it's very funny,because I've always just
considered myself an extrovert.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Yeah, I've always been like I've always been
described that way, and I thinkthe past year or two is.
But I love my nature, I love mywalks, I love hugging my dreams
, I love being away fromeveryone sometimes, but I'm
always around people when I'm atwork and I'm like.
I love that silence, I love.
Yeah.
I don't need people.
That was my biggest.
(31:21):
Another huge healing processwas attachment.
Yeah.
Everything, because I was afraidthat I was going to always be
left alone, and I had to figurethat all out, like where do I
feel alone?
But that was every time I gotpulled away from a surgery.
It was like where's the peoplethat love me, that could be
there to tell?
them no or my voice was justsmaller and smaller and quieter
and quieter.
(31:41):
So I don't need that.
I don't need validation,because I validate myself.
It's just the weirdest stuffthat comes up.
Everyone's like okay, All right.
Sometimes I do miss people.
They're like I need to be outamong people.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
So what do you feel were yourbiggest limiting beliefs and
roadblocks to overcomeeverything that to where you are
today?
Speaker 3 (32:06):
now, Self-worth, self-worth and self-love.
I didn't know you couldliterally love other people and
pour into them, but still thatlove yourself.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
It's so hard, it's so hard and I have to even I have
to even like question that a bit, because do you truly, then,
love them?
Speaker 3 (32:31):
if you don't know how to love yourself.
Yeah, I know, and I thoughtthat too for the longest time,
but I still say yes, because itcould have been strangers, but I
still loved being there forthem for whatever I could do,
but it depletes.
It depletes, yeah, the lovethat you're holding on to, that
you don't realize is like okay.
(32:52):
So I know that there wasself-love and self-worth,
because obviously I canacknowledge it and define it.
So it was there within me.
My inner child probably held onto it.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I it was easier to give it away.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
Yeah was to pour back into myself yeah, absolutely so
.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
Then what daily like habits and rituals like help you
continue to keep that mindsetof like?
Speaker 3 (33:17):
me.
The biggest one wasaffirmations.
I wrote a dry erase marker so Iwrote all over my bathroom
window but I didn't write itright away because everyone
always says say your affirmation, so I'd say them, and I was
like I don't align to this.
I can't do things I don't alignto.
I've been.
That was another huge lesson.
Stop forcing things.
Stop forcing things to happen.
Stop forcing paths to takeplace or friendships to take
(33:39):
place.
Let everything go and let itjust be.
You don't have on everything.
You don't have to have control.
So I just trusted.
When I was ready, I would say Iwould hear him in the car,
you'd listen to podcasts orYouTube like affirmations of
meditation.
I did a lot of meditation firstand just the sound bowls and the
frequencies.
(33:59):
That was more my thing in thebeginning, because I didn't have
to force myself to hear thingsI didn't connect with.
Yeah, so as time progressed,then it was writing words.
I'm like I am a warrior, butI'm like I wrote these down on
the mirror and it was one or twoat a time, but then you see me
(34:19):
smiling like that's the craziestpart is I watch myself smiling
back in the mirror as I'mwriting this.
I'm like, wow, I really I feelthis.
Yeah, I have in my 40 for 40plus years.
I'm like I've never been ableto do that.
Now it's.
The hardest.
Lesson is when I have a friendwho's a medium and she had asked
me a question one day.
(34:40):
She's like write three wordsthat describe you.
And I did.
It's easy, right, but piece ofcake she goes, why did you pick
three words that describe whatyou do for others?
And I just felt like shit.
I was like, oh, my god, soyou're right.
I don't see you writing you'rebeautiful, or I don't see you
writing you're powerful, likethings that describe you.
(35:02):
You described outgoing, giving,nurturing, everything that you
do for others.
Yeah, I was like, well, damn,so that's where it.
I had to sit with that, yeah,and that was what took.
So long was like I just reallyhad to fester and I had to sit
in the uncomfy, as I call it.
(35:22):
Yeah, and I didn't know howlong it was going to take, but I
wasn't going to force myselfout of the uncomfortable, I was
just going to sit there with it.
If it was hours, minutes, days,weeks, I was like you're doing
it, you're going to wake up, andif you might wake up crying,
still uncomfortable, becauseyou're frustrated, because you
want this part of you toacknowledge whatever it was
there, where did it come from?
Like no, you're frustratedbecause you want this part of
you to acknowledge whatever itwas there, where they come from?
(35:44):
Like no, you're just gonna sitwith that, you're not running
from anything anymore, you'rejust sitting still.
And then all of a sudden, mymirror was covered with words
and I left it up for a good, Ithink, six to nine months.
And then I was like I don'tneed these up anymore.
I already know.
I already know these words.
But so in the morning I wake upand I tell Alexa I'm like all
(36:05):
right, tell me how the weatheris.
Like, tell me my bible versefor the day or something.
Tell me a positive affirmationthat I like to, and then I'll
listen to him.
I'm like, all right, that'sright, I'm gonna do that.
We're gonna make that happen.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
I love that.
I love that so much.
Yeah, I can attest to that.
And there's just sometimes,when you have to, I have this
app called ThinkUp and you canrecord your affirmations so you
listen to yourself, tell youthese things, and so I usually I
(36:39):
listen to what I call, what iscalled a daily fire every
morning by Brendan Burchard.
He's like a high performancecoach Guru.
Awesome.
And so I have his app and Ilisten to his like daily fire
and it's some type of thingthat's gonna be great in between
my ears, and so I listened tothat.
(37:01):
And then, as I'm brushing myteeth and looking at myself in
the mirror, I'm listening to myown affirmations said by myself,
and I also have like my visionstory in there, so the things
that I want to see for my futureand who I want to be, and all
of that.
And then from there, there likeso I have these like rituals in
(37:23):
the morning that very muchalign.
I meditate in the morning and Igo out for a walk and like
those are things that I alignwith that just center myself and
put my oxygen mask on first,and then I'm good for the world.
I wake up before everybody else.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
so do I?
I've never become such amorning person as I am.
I get that I have to wake upearly for teaching, but now I'm
like weekends, I'm like, okay, 4am is just a little crazy but
yeah, if I've been sitting in myoffice and I'm watching the
sunrise and I have all my birdfeeders.
Now I become that woman I am abird lady.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
I have like I'm obsessed with cardinals.
It reminds me of my dad.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Well, I strongly feel .
It's like, oh, I have a visitor.
And then the other day I askeduniverse.
I'm like, all right, I don'tknow what I was thinking about.
I was thinking about somethingabout my past, like the past
year, or something, reflectionof what I've asked you to write
down in my journal.
And I'm like, all right,universe, I could use my yellow
bird very uncommon over here andso I was like I could use a
yellow bird.
Never happened, I let it go.
(38:30):
The other day a yellow bird cameright up to my bird feeder and
it's like and I kept reflectingback to what it was I was going
through I was like, okay, I knowit's a powerful sign, like, but
it's confirmation.
So then I go to my car the nextday.
I'm getting in my car and Ijust you know how you feel
something flying at you.
So I look at the window and theyellow bird landed on my window
and, just like, looked into mycar.
(38:50):
I'm like, thanks, but I justwas.
I wasn't having a rough day,but I was just like dragging
because it's the end of our lastweek of work.
And we're like, okay, let'sjust get out of work.
Summer, summer, summer.
But that bird came and I'm like, oh my god.
I'm like I'm really on theright path here.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
I love that so much.
Speaker 3 (39:09):
I love that so much oh my gosh, you hug a tree right
now because of all the cicadas.
So we're.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
I'm in Florida, so I'm not there yet, but yes, I
definitely like it's.
I go for my outside walk in themornings and it's like it's my
happy place.
No it is so much.
So let us know what yourpodcast name is.
Speaker 3 (39:31):
Infinite Love, and then it's kind of like Slash by
Kate, just because I thinkthere's a couple other ones out
there.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
Awesome, so we'll definitely put in the link to
that in the show notes.
I am so freaking honored tohave met you and to have had you
on my podcast it is.
You have definitely beenthrough some really like against
all odds moments, and so Icommend you for all the work I
(40:01):
love, like all that inner work,man, it's not easy so.
Speaker 3 (40:06):
I definitely.
It's so worth it.
What you see here is you areworth it.
You are worth it.
Don't be afraid of it, becauseonce you're done with that work,
you come out just even greater,even stronger, even more
powerful yeah, absolutely, ah,you, ah, you are awesome.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
Oh my gosh, kate, thank you so much.
I so appreciate it, you guys,if just tell me what you got out
of today, because this is sogood.
Thanks again, kate.
I hope you all have a wonderfulrest of your day.
Thanks for listening.
Peace out, Love your life.
Bye.
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the less than 1% chance.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I hope you are doing fantastictoday.
I am so excited to bring thisguest on.
I just chatted with her alittle bit before we started
recording and, yeah, I feel likewhen you meet somebody that is
(00:41):
like, oh, you were like totallymeant to be in my atmosphere, I
felt that here with her, solet's just jump in.
So Kate was born with cruzansyndrome.
It would be a genetic mutationor the role that would send her
life into a downward spiral.
She began chasing an identitywhile slowly losing her
(01:05):
self-worth and love for herself.
She began to wear many masks toavoid the feelings and then the
pandemic happened and she wasfaced with her ultimate fear
silence.
I think we were all in thatkind of like oh my gosh, what
are we going to do?
Because we don't have anythingbut us now.
But with that, she had choices,right?
(01:26):
Does she take the time tolisten to her inner child
screaming at her, or does shefind other ways to escape, avoid
and run from these problems andliving a life that she no
longer aligned with?
So, kate, welcome, I'm soexcited to have you on.
Give us an idea of how yourAgainst All Odds story started.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, first, thank you for having me.
I love the intro and I trulyreflect and feel the same way as
divine timing and divinepurpose of alignment, of people
getting brought together.
It's so synchronized and I justfeel like that's where my
journey is nowadays.
So that made me smell evenbigger because I was like see,
(02:08):
alignment, it's for real we bothfeel the same.
It's living proof.
And I guess where my lightbegan as a child it was so
different.
Obviously I was two when mylife changed forever in a day
and I was too young to remember.
But what was instilled in me,what was conditioned into me
afterwards, was what took me ona downward spiral, because it
(02:32):
was my, I would say, angelic,inner, loving child that just
saw life as just pure love andkindness.
And then there was the noise,the verbal abuse of society
judging me and looking at me,and that was out of my control,
which kind of taught me that Ihad to have control in something
, even though I was losingcontrol and everything, and that
(02:55):
for me was a fear, because thatsilence brought chaos in my
head.
You got your devil living onyour shoulder and you're you
want to see good in everyone,but then you're feeling all the
bad of everyone and it's likebut not everyone's bad, and it
was just a battle and it's aninternal struggle for real but
(03:16):
the noise is your own.
Yeah, and that's the craziestpart, because you think it's a
child like who's talking to me.
It's your inner child tellingyou pull back those intuitions
that I didn't really ever listento, or walk away or build up
those affirmations of whatthey're saying is not true.
Don't believe it.
Don't believe it untilobviously it was just much later
(03:39):
in life and you're like god.
That's a lot of work you have todo yeah you, I don't like to
say fix, because they are brokenpieces of us, but they're
bruised pieces, they're pieces.
And that's where I'm learningthat compassion is like.
You're not broken.
You never were.
You just dealt with a lot ofstuff that now you get to make
(03:59):
that healthy choice of lovingeven more because now.
I'm in darkness and my lightyeah, I think that it's.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
that's beautiful for many reasons, but mostly like
when we figure out that all ofthose different parts of us are
there somehow or another toprotect us somehow, or another
to love us to protect us somehow, or another to love us.
(04:28):
They all have a purpose.
So that anger in us is who?
The part of you that that seesyour worth better than any?
But any other part of youbecause if they're angry it's
usually because of some type ofinjustice that they that you
know that you're worth more thanthat, and they're the ones that
stand up.
They're like Nope, this is, I'mlike sounding the alarm.
(04:51):
This is not okay and we tend topush those feelings down.
And it's so profound when wejust have empathy for those
feelings and give themvalidation and say it's okay,
I've got me, thank you for forbeing there yeah, and I think
(05:14):
that was the biggest thinglearning it's okay to not be
okay.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Yeah, I wasn't okay then I just didn't want my story
to overshadow somebody else'sgrief, like it was just that I
was that big but small.
How I played that role isbecause it was like my somebody
has it worse than me, yeah,always have it worse than me.
So I need the whole compassionfor them.
But that also deflects what Ineed to do with myself yeah
(05:39):
you're not talking matter too.
Yeah, it's a.
It's what was conditioned to me.
That was a reminder for myfamily and not by any means of
hurting me, but it was to remindme like you are lucky and I'm
like I am lucky I have a family.
You know, I was raised in agreat neighborhood that loved me
and embraced me, where it couldhave been worse and I am so I
instilled those thoughts in myhead.
(06:00):
But it also pushed away thescreaming pains of I, I'm broke,
like I'm broke and I feel hurt.
I'm in pain.
I'm only eight or I'm only six.
I'm feeling all these feelingsand I don't like the way the
world's treating me.
How do I fix that?
But it's like I can't.
I gotta fix me.
And it's just like.
You don't know how to say thatas a child.
(06:20):
So that's where I just silentlybattled.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yeah, there always reflected strength and
positivity yeah, yes, and people, I feel like that sometimes the
toxic positivity right that weare, oh, we have to be positive,
even if we're like feelingwe're dying inside.
No, it's okay to acknowledgethose feelings were crumbling
(06:43):
inside and react to it in apositive way.
So I think there's differencebetween like, oh, the sky is got
rainbows and sunshine and it'slike gloomy and everything
outside, right.
I think that you can't justcover your the sun with your
(07:05):
hand, like it just won't go away, like that.
I think that we have toacknowledge that it's gloomy,
but that gloominess like there'sgoing to be another day with
sunshine and rainbows and butter, like all of that I think
that's where we get.
So, because I used to be thetoxic positive oh, it's okay,
everything happens for a reasonand I wasn't acknowledging the
(07:26):
parts of me that needed to bevalidated for feeling what I was
feeling, that needed to feelacknowledged and loved and not
judged for feeling the ways.
And then, once I learned thatit isn't about like, everything
happens for a reason, I thinkthat we could find purpose and
meaning behind everything and Ithink that's where things start
(07:50):
to shift.
If I can go through all thethings that I went through and
you can go through all thethings that you went through and
find a purpose and a meaningbehind it.
It's different than having areason for it to have it happen.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (08:04):
I feel like I'm like having a mirrored, like you're
just me right now and it is.
It's the mind shift, but it wasdoing the work.
Yeah, get to that mind shift.
And I was the same way.
I was like I'm just sittinghere listening.
I'm just staring at myselflistening to my melody.
I'm like good job, kate.
Like good as you're, as I'm soproud of you.
(08:25):
I'm like good job, kate, likegood as you're, as I'm so proud
of you.
I'm like good job, kate.
Like this is where you're at.
Like like wow four years ago,the pandemic.
Could I picture this?
No, I didn't know what I saw.
It's like drowning in depths ofwater and you slowly see the
sunlight fade away, because thefurther you sink, the darker it
(08:45):
gets and it you lose that hope.
And all my life I held on tohope, but that was where the
surgeries went wrong, which Iwas chasing the surgeries to fix
the outer, but really it wasthe inner.
I can't do anything to change myouter appearance, love my outer
appearance.
But how do I do that?
First I gotta go with it andlove everything about me, which
(09:08):
means my darkness, my toxicparts of me, because they were
there and you said itbeautifully it's like they're
there to protect you.
That ego is there.
It's like we can't shame ourego or ego our ego is what kind
of?
For me at least, is what got methrough those?
Really it's a being pulled awayfrom your mother who takes care
(09:30):
of you in and out of thehospital, but being pulled away
into another surgery where theyjust kind of de-degarm you and
you're just vulnerable and nakedand afraid and there's nobody
there, because no doctor I everfeel has that sense of
compassion in the operating room.
But they are for for yeah, theyhave a job to do and they're
gonna get that job done alwayshighlight nurses and their
(09:53):
empathy and their love andthat's who I connect with,
because that's who I am and,like I've had many nurses come
and see me shaking and tearsjust getting bigger and bigger
my eyes and they'll hold my handlike my mom would be doing.
Yeah, they were that extension,they were like those little
angels that that haven't sentmotherly intuition and and I
(10:18):
praise all nurses I've neverexperienced even a nurse on a
bad day.
I still still praise because Isee right through it.
They're not not being seen orvalidated for their hard work,
and they have to go home withall that and then be a mom or a
wife or anything and it's just alot and you can feel all that
(10:38):
intensity and then you say, likeI understand why you're having
a bad day.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Yeah, that's because you go over a doctor, because my
experiences with doctors istotally opposite so can you give
us a little bit of backgroundon what exactly is this syndrome
and like what?
What transpired in yourchildhood?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
so carousel syndrome is a genetic malformation of one
gene.
Just just one gene mutated, andwhat that means for me is the
bones in my skull were fusedtogether, so there was no soft
spot.
So then, as I'm growing, mybrain's developing, it can't
expand, which was obviouslybecome detrimental to eyesight,
(11:21):
hearing, brain damage or death.
Detrimental to eyesight,hearing, brain damage or death.
And so they have to back.
Then and this is the other hardpart is because what we were
talking about healing andeverything else is in 1980s.
Like people don't talk abouttheir feelings, people didn't do
all that sharing.
So that plays another vitalrole in like crazy, how you
think of it that way where Ilove this generation, the
(11:41):
younger generations, becausenothing's stopping them.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
No, and they tell you everything.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
My nephew who is in sixth grade is just like.
I feel this right now.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Oh, yeah, right, my youngest daughter.
She's 15 and she's still ateenager, so she has her moments
.
However, when I go with her toa counseling appointment or
whatever, I'm just blown away.
I'm like how do you even knowhow to express this?
(12:13):
I didn't even learn this untilI was an adult.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
I don't know, but you fear that to her, which is
amazing.
That's the beautiful gift ofwatching your growth.
Your daughter sees thatreflection and then becomes that
which is what our kids needmore of, is more, not even just
positive reflection, but growthand understanding and
acknowledgement and authenticityand transparency, just truth
(12:39):
with ourselves.
Like I'm not okay, okay, well,I see that.
Thank you for sharing.
Like, oh my god, this adultjust told me they're not okay
and it's okay to not be okay.
Yeah, so in order to go back.
So I had the surgery it wassupposed to be.
Now it's like a one, two, threesurgery, or it's the halo, and
I'm not sure if you've ever seenyoung children with the halo.
(13:01):
It's like they put this verybarbaric contraption but it
pulls their face forward veryslowly, meticulously, without
any repercussions or damage, andit's actually.
The results are amazing.
When I see, with technology, wedidn't have that.
Unfortunately, the CAT scanjust came out.
It was limited, but my doctorwas a part of this whole new
(13:27):
program where they teamed upwith other doctors from other
hospitals, which was never donebefore, and there was only three
doctors that specialized incraniofacial syndromes two in
Chicago, one in Texas and I justhappened to have the pick of
the litter is what I call it,and he wanted to promote it.
So he had the news, everything.
(13:49):
So he lied within his ego.
It was more about him, notabout me or anyone else.
It was about him.
And so we had the surgery 19hour surgery and he pulled my
face entirely forward like ahockey mask yeah pulled so hard
that it just snapped back,shattered every bone in my face,
but he closed me up and told myparents everything went
(14:11):
smoothly and left me to die,basically.
So I had an angel that day withme and forever.
I'm grateful.
I wish I had her number becauseI would love to find her.
I've been trying to search forher.
I know she lives in Michigan,but that's as far as I've gotten
so far in my search.
But she was a counselor, agenetic counselor.
(14:35):
So basically, if you learn thatyour child has cancer or
anything else, I call the griefcounselor in a way Teach the
parents of what to expect.
She was asked to watch thesurgery.
So she got to sit in on thesurgery, which is never, ever
done before, and it's a female.
And so because she got to watchit, she chose her soul or her
(14:57):
career.
And she chose her soul and toldmy parents, ask a lot of
questions and then got fired forit, obviously because there was
a lawsuit.
But he didn't have to do, hedidn't lose his license.
That's all my parents wantedwas for him to lose his license,
but he just he went on to dowhatever he did.
But I held a lot of angerbecause my parents did.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
I was young so it was like transferred to you totally
transferred because that wastoo.
Speaker 3 (15:22):
I didn't know the man , but I was angry as I was
chasing these surgeries tryingto fix what he broke.
But unfortunately, when heclosed me up, there was staph
infection, there was MRSA, allthe things that was eating away
all the bones that were left.
So there wasn't much to workwith.
And the more surgeries you have, the more scar tissue you have
to deal with.
(15:42):
It becomes one painful, but twojust difficult, because now you
can't really create anythingfrom scratch.
You've got to do plates andeverything else, and it was
tough for my doctor who saved mylife, but he did a great job
and I I just finally realized Ithink I was 21 I was like I
(16:04):
can't keep doing this, when Iwas at the lowest of my lows.
I'm like these surgeries arenot giving me the results I
desire and people keep promisingme these false promises and I'm
just holding on so tightly tothose thoughts and at least I've
done.
My body cannot take this like Idon't even know even at eight.
(16:25):
I stopped at eight and I told myparents I'm like I just want to
be a kid.
I missed a lot of school andI'm like I just want to be a kid
.
But then puberty hit and I waslike I don't ever want to feel
like that, never again.
Puberty like allowed all theseemotions to come through,
allowed my ego basically to justgo and it was, and everyone
(16:46):
that dealt with me was just likeI don't know what to do with
you, like I don't know what Ican offer you.
Counselors like our schoolcounselor had no clue what to
say to me.
It was as if they never weretaught this like yeah different.
Now I just was blown away likehow is it this your job, but yet
you don't?
(17:06):
I'd like question myself, like,am I that different looking?
Am I just?
Speaker 2 (17:11):
yeah, why can't they help me?
If they help others, it's notfair.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
People who have burned or anything else.
I'm like how do they getthrough life?
Like, why am I?
But I just kept attackingmyself over and over it was yes,
that just grew.
And then teenage years were theworst years for me.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Yeah, I bet I could just only imagine because you
think these people are here tothey're supposed to help me like
, am I not that helpable is thatso far to ask for me to just be
helped and not feel the waythat I'm feeling?
And yeah, so I?
(17:51):
I can definitely understandthat.
That's insane.
I feel like it is so dangerousfor people to practice medicine
when they can only just thinkabout the ego or how they'll be
(18:13):
yeah that's really, really hardto wrap your head around,
because they made an oath tohelp people and so it really
it's.
But at the same time, if we lookback, I feel like you have to
have some empathy for peoplethat have that much trouble
(18:35):
having or taming their own ego.
It's it like what did they haveto go through to have to protect
themselves in that way?
I've been sexually assaultedwhen I was 16 and I feel like
obviously, that is just notsomething that I would want
(18:58):
anyone to ever go through.
It's horrible.
You like question everything.
However, now, going through myown healing journey and many
hours of therapy and justself-reflection and everything,
I have to have some type ofempathy.
I don't want to say compassion,because I don't have compassion
(19:20):
for what he did at all, but Ifeel like I have to have empathy
, for you had to be in a reallyreally bad space in your life to
have to do that or to be ableto do that right.
There had to have beensomething really, really wrong
or tough that you went throughyourself to have to be in the
(19:44):
spot where you could do that tosomebody else.
So just yeah, I feel like I'mdefinitely a more evolved
version of myself when I thinkabout those things, people that
do wrong us, and you have tolook at it like okay, well, I
could choose to continue to stayangry and live with this
(20:07):
dis-ease in my body whichcreates disease.
I fully fully attest to thatmyself.
I fully fully attest to thatmyself.
(20:32):
Or I can look at the fact that Ifound purpose.
I am a voice for people,especially for women, but for
people that are have cancerbecause of this kind of abuse.
I'm a voice for people that gothrough infertility because of
this kind of abuse, and I mightjust have done some good with
the situation that I was dealtwith and it just shifts it
enough to be like I'm gratefulfor my story because I am who I
(20:56):
am because of my story and I'mhere and I'm as strong and
resilient and my story is worthit.
I feel like my story is biggerthan me.
It's meant for others to seethat they can not only face
things that are tough, but getthrough it and come out much
(21:17):
better on the other side, and Ifeel like very much aligned with
you in that sense.
I feel like you've healed thatpart of you enough so that
you're like I wouldn't be thisawesome person that I am today
if I wouldn't have gone throughall the things.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
X, y and Z.
Yeah, they all played a biggerrole that I might not have
understood then.
But I have the luxury ofunderstanding and appreciating
now, even more so Because I canlook at my past and say, okay,
probably don't want to repeat it, don't wish it upon anybody,
however, yeah, I never did, Evenin my darkest moments.
(22:00):
I never wished this upon anyoneor anything.
That people have to go throughand that's where my empathetic
heart comes in play is becauseI've always been sensitive, but
I was always judged for mysensitivity.
I was like, well, I'm damned ifI my sensitivity.
I was like well, I'm like I'mdamned if I do and I'm damned if
I don't, because people aren'tgetting the fact that like my
(22:22):
life isn't like one of it.
I learned the big lessons whatyou see, what people put out
there on Instagram or socialmedia, it tells a story, but you
could, if you could feel it inyour soul and you connect there.
You're like that's not theirstory, they're connecting
something and it's like damn.
I hope they find their realstory.
I hope they find theirauthenticity because it's
beautiful.
I just wish for them to see itone day.
(22:44):
And what it boils down to islike God, I got to this place
where I don't look at the pain,but I don't hear the voices
anymore, even if people do saysomething, a comment, in the
streets.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
See it like that anymore.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's like oh yeah
, oh, I'm sorry that you're in aplace where you.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
You know, because it's like I can only imagine so
many different things are goingon when I work in a high school,
so that that is a hugetestimony of what are you doing.
Like the universe really wantedme to work through these
problems.
I grew up in a high school allgirls Catholic high school so it
was fine for me.
I was popular but never feltpopular.
That was where I was.
(23:29):
I was like I could haveeveryone in my corner, but I
felt the most alone because Iput myself in this tiny little
box and I shut myself away,because I didn't want the
darkest parts of me out, becauseI feared the darkest parts of
me, One of those lost intranslations.
I was the translation of myjourney.
(23:49):
I just slowly found myself indifferent moments, and that was
like a blessing of what thepandemic did for me.
It was like are you done beingthe victim of your story, or are
you going to be the hero?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Yeah, so this might be a loaded question, but how
did you decide to listen to theinner child during the pandemic
and what did that kind of looklike?
Speaker 3 (24:16):
Yeah, Not so loaded.
Well, I will share this.
When I was in my teens and whatI felt during the pandemic was
exactly what I felt.
I was 16, and it was the lowestof lows and that right time at
the right moment.
And then I not just heard as Iwas screaming, crying into a
(24:46):
pillow and no one could hear me,and I heard that your life
serves a greater purpose and Ikept hearing that over and over
my head.
I was like, okay, somebody istalking to me, but that's not me
saying it.
I just don't.
At the time I was like I don'tconnect.
But okay, yeah, I'm gonna holdon to that.
It was like that inner childwas always there to help me have
(25:07):
hope.
And so later on pandemic fastforward and it was the same
thing and it was just I'm alone,I live my own home and I can't
see my parents and our eighthouses down and I'm a hunter.
I'm just.
I'm that person and I couldfeel all of the residualness of
me, of my past coming up, justboiling, boiling and boiling,
(25:31):
and I just felt that samefeeling of that darkness and the
silence okay and that's what Ijust knew.
I was like well, I know I'm notin a place where I don't want to
end my life, but this could bethe breaking point of like do
you want to stand at this cliffand jump, or do you want to
stand at this clip and soar?
(25:53):
and I just soar and I was likeI'm just gonna have to do what I
never did before and just setmyself free and just feel and
understand and journal and writeand be creative.
And I had a best friend at thetime that kind of helped guide
me through that too, and she wasthe one that I'm forever
grateful for.
That kind of pushed me towardsa creative outlet of share your
(26:14):
story on TikTok, share whatyou're going through.
And I was like I'm veryextrovert, outgoing, but
creative stuff I didn't knowabout.
But then I did.
I waited I held off for monthsas I was doing the work and
getting outside, working out,doing the things that I really
enjoy on my own.
And then one day I was like Iwas redoing this office.
(26:35):
I didn't know why yet.
I was just redoing this office,which had a greater purpose it
would be my podcast office.
But I just heard this innerpart of me like you're ready, go
get the camera, go get yourphone, go set it up.
You're ready to do your firstTikTok.
And then I did.
And then I was like okay.
So TikTok was my time capsule ofsharing, because you could for
(26:57):
at least for me, I could see theups and downs of what I was
going through.
I could also see that ego of meof portraying what's really not
authentic, I guess, I would say, because it was like damn.
I just didn't know how toverbalize what it was I was
experiencing just yet.
Yeah, trying to be somethingfor people to say hey, this is
(27:18):
me, though I'm still gonna putit out there.
This is me, this is whathealing looks like.
It's not fun, it's yeah no, it'snot fun yeah it's not unicorns
and bunny rabbits.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
That's for sure, definitely not.
It's digging into a lot of darklike thoughts and all of that.
Yeah, I can, oh my gosh,totally align with all of that.
So give me kind of an idea ofhow you would describe yourself
as a child, as a teenager andnow as an adult.
Speaker 3 (27:50):
A child, I would say I found joy in everything I
majority of my pictures, even inhospital beds, are me smiling
or me sharing my toys with.
I remember a lot of patientswho were left alone, who didn't
have that luxury of appearance,staying overnight like I did,
and so I would have my mom gohold the baby that was in the
(28:12):
corner crying, or bring over mystuffed animal to that person.
But that was me.
I always played doctor, playednurse, always pretending to take
care of everyone.
It was just simply how who Iwas.
When I was a snuggler I wasquiet, I was more shy,
definitely as a kid.
As a teenager I wasrambunctious, I was rebelling.
(28:33):
I felt like I had it all, allthe friends.
I created the teen mascot forour school.
So I was that girl, but it wasfor all the wrong attention
reason.
It was just I was lost.
I was a deeply lost soul inhigh school.
No, you are like, is that whatyou said?
The no is.
I'm an introvert and extrovert.
(28:54):
I love my peace, I love myspace, I set my boundaries and,
but I love entertaining, like Ilove bringing out my energy
because my energy is high.
Yeah, my co-workers are like ohgod and I shared this with
another person is I have a brandnew co-worker.
She was on maternity leavefirst semester.
She came second semester.
She's so quiet, but she's socalm and peaceful, totally
(29:17):
opposite of me, and I'm like thegirl that has fairy wings
hanging in her classroom when Iput them on the room as well.
I'm a special ed teacher, solike I just frolic around and
I'm pulling off like a Jim JimCarrey moment.
And he's Ventura, I love it.
So it just depends.
But I put everything out there.
I won't hold back tears if I'mbeing sensitive.
I won't run from anythinganymore.
(29:39):
I acknowledge it and I won'tapologize.
That's probably the biggestthing I stopped doing is saying
I'm sorry.
Like what am I sorry for?
I'm sorry to everything.
I'm sorry I'm crying, or I'msorry I'm doing this, or I'm
sorry I feel this way.
No, no, no, no, no.
You take accountability when youneed to yeah absolutely when I
do wrong or when I misjudge, andit's like I'm not perfect and I
(30:01):
definitely say that to everyone.
It's like I'm not perfect and Idefinitely say that to everyone
.
It's like I'm not perfect evenwhen I'm doing all this stuff.
You might think there soundslike I'm being perfect.
I'm not like I'm happy and I'mpositive because that my mind is
shifting and I enjoy the joy oflife now because you serve a
purpose.
But in order to get to seethose purpose, it's not like you
can just fake it.
(30:22):
I can't fake it till I make it.
Everyone else like I I'm gonna,uh, be the worst actress ever
because I can't make it.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
I can't yeah, I definitely test to that.
Um, yeah it I.
I feel you, though, like I'm anextrovert full through and
through.
However, as I've gotten older,I feel like I have really
enjoyed home and just my quiettime, and it just re-energizes
(30:53):
me, and then I'm back againexactly.
Yeah, I mean it's very funny,because I've always just
considered myself an extrovert.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Yeah, I've always been like I've always been
described that way, and I thinkthe past year or two is.
But I love my nature, I love mywalks, I love hugging my dreams
, I love being away fromeveryone sometimes, but I'm
always around people when I'm atwork and I'm like.
I love that silence, I love.
Yeah.
I don't need people.
That was my biggest.
(31:21):
Another huge healing processwas attachment.
Yeah.
Everything, because I was afraidthat I was going to always be
left alone, and I had to figurethat all out, like where do I
feel alone?
But that was every time I gotpulled away from a surgery.
It was like where's the peoplethat love me, that could be
there to tell?
them no or my voice was justsmaller and smaller and quieter
and quieter.
(31:41):
So I don't need that.
I don't need validation,because I validate myself.
It's just the weirdest stuffthat comes up.
Everyone's like okay, All right.
Sometimes I do miss people.
They're like I need to be outamong people.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
So what do you feel were yourbiggest limiting beliefs and
roadblocks to overcomeeverything that to where you are
today?
Speaker 3 (32:06):
now, Self-worth, self-worth and self-love.
I didn't know you couldliterally love other people and
pour into them, but still thatlove yourself.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
It's so hard, it's so hard and I have to even I have
to even like question that a bit, because do you truly, then,
love them?
Speaker 3 (32:31):
if you don't know how to love yourself.
Yeah, I know, and I thoughtthat too for the longest time,
but I still say yes, because itcould have been strangers, but I
still loved being there forthem for whatever I could do,
but it depletes.
It depletes, yeah, the lovethat you're holding on to, that
you don't realize is like okay.
(32:52):
So I know that there wasself-love and self-worth,
because obviously I canacknowledge it and define it.
So it was there within me.
My inner child probably held onto it.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
I it was easier to give it away.
Speaker 3 (33:04):
Yeah was to pour back into myself yeah, absolutely so
.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
Then what daily like habits and rituals like help you
continue to keep that mindsetof like?
Speaker 3 (33:17):
me.
The biggest one wasaffirmations.
I wrote a dry erase marker so Iwrote all over my bathroom
window but I didn't write itright away because everyone
always says say your affirmation, so I'd say them, and I was
like I don't align to this.
I can't do things I don't alignto.
I've been.
That was another huge lesson.
Stop forcing things.
Stop forcing things to happen.
Stop forcing paths to takeplace or friendships to take
(33:39):
place.
Let everything go and let itjust be.
You don't have on everything.
You don't have to have control.
So I just trusted.
When I was ready, I would say Iwould hear him in the car,
you'd listen to podcasts orYouTube like affirmations of
meditation.
I did a lot of meditation firstand just the sound bowls and the
frequencies.
(33:59):
That was more my thing in thebeginning, because I didn't have
to force myself to hear thingsI didn't connect with.
Yeah, so as time progressed,then it was writing words.
I'm like I am a warrior, butI'm like I wrote these down on
the mirror and it was one or twoat a time, but then you see me
(34:19):
smiling like that's the craziestpart is I watch myself smiling
back in the mirror as I'mwriting this.
I'm like, wow, I really I feelthis.
Yeah, I have in my 40 for 40plus years.
I'm like I've never been ableto do that.
Now it's.
The hardest.
Lesson is when I have a friendwho's a medium and she had asked
me a question one day.
(34:40):
She's like write three wordsthat describe you.
And I did.
It's easy, right, but piece ofcake she goes, why did you pick
three words that describe whatyou do for others?
And I just felt like shit.
I was like, oh, my god, soyou're right.
I don't see you writing you'rebeautiful, or I don't see you
writing you're powerful, likethings that describe you.
(35:02):
You described outgoing, giving,nurturing, everything that you
do for others.
Yeah, I was like, well, damn,so that's where it.
I had to sit with that, yeah,and that was what took.
So long was like I just reallyhad to fester and I had to sit
in the uncomfy, as I call it.
(35:22):
Yeah, and I didn't know howlong it was going to take, but I
wasn't going to force myselfout of the uncomfortable, I was
just going to sit there with it.
If it was hours, minutes, days,weeks, I was like you're doing
it, you're going to wake up, andif you might wake up crying,
still uncomfortable, becauseyou're frustrated, because you
want this part of you toacknowledge whatever it was
there, where did it come from?
Like no, you're frustratedbecause you want this part of
you to acknowledge whatever itwas there, where they come from?
(35:44):
Like no, you're just gonna sitwith that, you're not running
from anything anymore, you'rejust sitting still.
And then all of a sudden, mymirror was covered with words
and I left it up for a good, Ithink, six to nine months.
And then I was like I don'tneed these up anymore.
I already know.
I already know these words.
But so in the morning I wake upand I tell Alexa I'm like all
(36:05):
right, tell me how the weatheris.
Like, tell me my bible versefor the day or something.
Tell me a positive affirmationthat I like to, and then I'll
listen to him.
I'm like, all right, that'sright, I'm gonna do that.
We're gonna make that happen.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
I love that.
I love that so much.
Yeah, I can attest to that.
And there's just sometimes,when you have to, I have this
app called ThinkUp and you canrecord your affirmations so you
listen to yourself, tell youthese things, and so I usually I
(36:39):
listen to what I call, what iscalled a daily fire every
morning by Brendan Burchard.
He's like a high performancecoach Guru.
Awesome.
And so I have his app and Ilisten to his like daily fire
and it's some type of thingthat's gonna be great in between
my ears, and so I listened tothat.
(37:01):
And then, as I'm brushing myteeth and looking at myself in
the mirror, I'm listening to myown affirmations said by myself,
and I also have like my visionstory in there, so the things
that I want to see for my futureand who I want to be, and all
of that.
And then from there, there likeso I have these like rituals in
(37:23):
the morning that very muchalign.
I meditate in the morning and Igo out for a walk and like
those are things that I alignwith that just center myself and
put my oxygen mask on first,and then I'm good for the world.
I wake up before everybody else.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
so do I?
I've never become such amorning person as I am.
I get that I have to wake upearly for teaching, but now I'm
like weekends, I'm like, okay, 4am is just a little crazy but
yeah, if I've been sitting in myoffice and I'm watching the
sunrise and I have all my birdfeeders.
Now I become that woman I am abird lady.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
I have like I'm obsessed with cardinals.
It reminds me of my dad.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Well, I strongly feel .
It's like, oh, I have a visitor.
And then the other day I askeduniverse.
I'm like, all right, I don'tknow what I was thinking about.
I was thinking about somethingabout my past, like the past
year, or something, reflectionof what I've asked you to write
down in my journal.
And I'm like, all right,universe, I could use my yellow
bird very uncommon over here andso I was like I could use a
yellow bird.
Never happened, I let it go.
(38:30):
The other day a yellow bird cameright up to my bird feeder and
it's like and I kept reflectingback to what it was I was going
through I was like, okay, I knowit's a powerful sign, like, but
it's confirmation.
So then I go to my car the nextday.
I'm getting in my car and Ijust you know how you feel
something flying at you.
So I look at the window and theyellow bird landed on my window
and, just like, looked into mycar.
(38:50):
I'm like, thanks, but I justwas.
I wasn't having a rough day,but I was just like dragging
because it's the end of our lastweek of work.
And we're like, okay, let'sjust get out of work.
Summer, summer, summer.
But that bird came and I'm like, oh my god.
I'm like I'm really on theright path here.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
I love that so much.
Speaker 3 (39:09):
I love that so much oh my gosh, you hug a tree right
now because of all the cicadas.
So we're.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
I'm in Florida, so I'm not there yet, but yes, I
definitely like it's.
I go for my outside walk in themornings and it's like it's my
happy place.
No it is so much.
So let us know what yourpodcast name is.
Speaker 3 (39:31):
Infinite Love, and then it's kind of like Slash by
Kate, just because I thinkthere's a couple other ones out
there.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
Awesome, so we'll definitely put in the link to
that in the show notes.
I am so freaking honored tohave met you and to have had you
on my podcast it is.
You have definitely beenthrough some really like against
all odds moments, and so Icommend you for all the work I
(40:01):
love, like all that inner work,man, it's not easy so.
Speaker 3 (40:06):
I definitely.
It's so worth it.
What you see here is you areworth it.
You are worth it.
Don't be afraid of it, becauseonce you're done with that work,
you come out just even greater,even stronger, even more
powerful yeah, absolutely, ah,you, ah, you are awesome.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
Oh my gosh, kate, thank you so much.
I so appreciate it, you guys,if just tell me what you got out
of today, because this is sogood.
Thanks again, kate.
I hope you all have a wonderfulrest of your day.
Thanks for listening.
Peace out, Love your life.
Bye.
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