August 30, 2024 • 51 mins
Can you transform your trauma into a beacon of hope for others? Join us as we uncover the incredible journey of Elisha Lee, an ordained minister and licensed counselor from Maryland. Elisha's harrowing escape from a domestic violence situation, catalyzed by her son's courageous intervention, stands as a testament to resilience and transformation. Through support groups and therapy, she not only healed her own wounds but also found her calling to help others heal. This episode underscores the crucial steps of addressing personal trauma to foster a safe and loving environment for oneself and one's children.
What does it take to guide your teenager through relationship pitfalls without overstepping? In another compelling segment, I share my personal experience in navigating red flags in my daughter's long-distance relationship. Through the practice of meditation and exercise, I maintained a calm demeanor to address controlling behaviors and emotional manipulation exhibited by her boyfriend. This chapter highlights the importance of fostering open communication, allowing our children to make their own decisions, and evolving as parents by acknowledging our mistakes and setting positive examples for handling emotions and conflicts.
From surviving cancer and overcoming depression to shedding weight through a home-based dance program, our final story is one of incredible personal transformation. We explore the power of consistency, mindset, and intentional relationships in healing from trauma and reclaiming one’s identity. Drawing inspiration from mindset coaches like Tony Robbins, this episode emphasizes the shift from victimhood to empowerment, encouraging listeners to rediscover personal joy and break free from limiting beliefs. Tune in for a transformative discussion that champions resilience, personal growth, and the importance of creating lasting legacies.
Find Elisha:
Instagram: @elishasleecounselor
Website: www.elishaslee.com
GrowthDay app offers tools, content, coaching, and community for self-improvement and success.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance Podcast with your host, maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the less than 1% chance.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I am so excited for you guys.
Listen to a new friend of mine.
Her name is Elijah Lee.
I'm just going to intro herreally quick and then we are
just going to get started,because we almost had a whole
podcast episode prior to hittingrecord.
(00:43):
It was amazing.
We connected immediately.
It was awesome.
So Elijah is an ordainedminister and a private practice
owner based in Maryland.
She has been providing personalcounseling services for over
seven years.
As a solopreneur, she extendsher expertise as an author, the
voice behind Elijah's spacepodcasts and an inspirational
(01:06):
speaker.
She's a licensed counselor.
Her practice offers a welcomingand empathetic environment for
those grappling with depression,anxiety and trauma, providing
various modes of interaction,including in-person telehealth
and group therapy sessions.
Okay, so we connect again on somany levels already.
(01:28):
So, I am so excited to introduceyou guys to Elijah how are you
today?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
I'm so excited to talk to you.
Me too.
It's awesome.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Thank you for having me on the show.
It's an honor, Maria.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Thank you.
Thank you, welcome.
I'm so excited, so give us alittle bit of backstory.
I want to hear how you got intothis space and a little bit of
your story.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
So me getting into this space has been a full
circle moment.
I always felt like one of thepurposes or one of my
foundational purposes in life isto assist and support people
who have felt like they've beenforgotten or not noticed, or
(02:18):
felt like others considered themto be insignificant, to a
degree right, and I never knewhow to really address that.
So over 20 years ago, I was ina domestic violence situation.
(02:38):
That experience was a catalystfor me because it led me down to
the trail of becoming within myown healing circle or journey.
It led me to this path ofbecoming a licensed counselor.
The moment I knew to leave wasit was the last time we were
(03:04):
together and my now ex-husbandsaid that he was going to kill
me.
And yes, and so he.
He had a knife to my throat andI was up against the wall and
on the side corner of my eye Isaw my son, who was early six.
(03:25):
Now I have twins, twin sons,and at that time they were early
six.
Their birthdays are in April.
This happened, I would say, likeMay, june, so they were early
six and he was trying to climbout of a window.
He was, I saw him trying toclimb out of a window.
He was.
(03:45):
I saw him trying to climb outof a window to get me help and
he couldn't figure out how tounlock the door.
And that's when I knew I had toleave and when I first decided
that I needed to leave.
It was my choice to leave.
I was my children because Inever wanted my home to be a
(04:09):
place where my children wantedto run away from.
I always want my home to be aplace where my children would
want to come to and that theirhome or wherever I was, they
would feel secure.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
And so from that place I was able to separate
myself and my children and madea choice to do a do different
jobs where I could stay home andbe more, more or work around
their schedule, so that could bea present mom, because I knew
(04:50):
they were experiencing traumafrom that, but I wasn't
addressing my own trauma thatcame from that.
So we moved again and when wemade another move, that was
really when I was able to startmy healing journey, because I
was with my own family and Irecognized that I had picked up
(05:12):
some unhealthy things from thatexperience and I knew that in
order to be a better mom, toshow more love towards myself,
that I would need to do somethings to take care of myself.
So, whether it was a self-helpbook, I was in different support
(05:34):
groups.
I went to my own, of course,therapy sessions and things of
that nature, and throughout thistime period I met someone who
said I think you would be goodat going into counseling, doing
therapy with people, helpingthem in their healing journey,
(05:56):
because I was alreadyorganically doing it.
And that's really what got tothat path of me going into that
journey.
So this is like a full circlemoment of me giving back and
pouring into others, just asothers had cared and poured into
me.
So that's my story so far.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
I mean that's so scary.
That's what it took.
I think my sister had a verysimilar experience, except her
son was a baby still, had a verysimilar experience, except her
son was a baby still and she sawhim get scared from I think it
was yelling or something likethat and that was the catalyst
(06:37):
for her to just run.
And I'm forever grateful forthat, because for so long she
had distanced herself from us asa family because of course she
knew that we would try toprotect her as much as we could.
So I'm so empathetic to thefact that sometimes we go
(06:59):
through experiences and we don'trealize the trauma that it
causes us, that like we wentthrough it and we we're, we
process the fact that we wentthrough it, but then what
implications did it have on whowe were as a person?
Speaker 3 (07:16):
right right.
Part of being a survivor orgoing through that whole thing
of surviving is you tend to pickup their toxic traits.
So if they're like gaslightingyou, it's not hard to pick up
the gaslighting because you'rejust trying to survive in that
(07:37):
world, in that space.
But once you get out of thatspace, of course it's not okay
to do the manipulation and thegaslighting ever.
But once you get out of thatspace, of course it's not okay
to do the manipulation and thegas lighting ever.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
But once you get out of that space, you don't know it
because you've been soaccustomed to being in it,
because what's not you don'tknow the difference because I
just did a recording not toolong ago, uh and it and we
talked about a quote that shesaid she saw on the internet,
but it was from Stephen King andI'll have to get.
(08:09):
I'll have to send it to youafterwards because it was so
good, I got goosebumps but ittalks about like you don't even
know that there's an elephant inthe room.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Right.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Because you started with that elephant in the room
room.
So how do you even know thatwas really a thing, right?
How do you even know that there, that elephant in the room was
even there?
Because it was always there.
So you didn't know thedifference and that's the
behaviors that you learned inthat environment.
You don't know that you're evenusing those behaviors because
(08:46):
you didn't know the differenceof it.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
And that's the difference between going from a
place of surviving to thriving.
When you start to recognizeokay, so this is not healthy.
And I think for me it was alsolike getting pushback from my
sons, like they were like chillout, you know what I'm saying.
So their own lovely ways ofexpressing that push back for my
sons, like they were like chillout, you know what I'm saying,
so their own lovely ways ofexpressing that.
(09:08):
And so I was like okay, this isnot the kind of relationship I
want to have with my sons.
I want to have a healthyrelationship where there's trust
and love and care and kindness.
And so I decided to make theappropriate changes so that I
could be there.
And from doing the, taking thosesteps, I really feel like now
(09:32):
there's always room forimprovement.
But I always feel like, causeI'm always working on myself, it
doesn't stop.
But and what you said too Iwant to get back to what you
said, because, especially with Idon't shame yourself, beat
yourself up about it, becausethe most unsuspecting person
(10:10):
winds up in these situationsyou're like oh my gosh, how did
I get here?
yeah and I would say, as soon asyou're able to leave, because
it won't get better, it onlygets worse.
And that the other thing I'llsay, too, is it's not uncommon
for survivors to not do it forthemselves, they'll do it for
(10:31):
someone else yeah so for me itwas my children, and for most
survivors it's because of their.
If you're a mom, it's becauseof your children, but if it has
to be for your career, if it hasto be, I don't care what it is,
just go go.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah, I, I agree I don't pay attention to much of
the news, but obviously that wasall over social media.
So it was.
It was heartbreaking and it justangers me that he was able to
get away with it for so long andthat nobody believed this woman
(11:10):
when she did speak up.
That says so much about what'sgoing on.
I was again with the previousrecording that I did.
We were talking aboutnarcissists and how the I don't
know if you've seen the newsabout the lady that was married
to this pastor, micah miller.
(11:30):
That was crazy the way thateverything looks.
He was, I think, very muchinvolved in her death, but it's
just so.
It's so crazy how all of theyget away with so much because
they have debilitated the personin such a way that they're and
(11:54):
then the person that is tryingto seek out the help sometimes
doesn't get believed and I thinkthat's really, really tough and
that's why you said the phraseyou said debilitated the person
right.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
This is why self-care , taking out time for yourself,
showing yourself, getting toknow you right, getting to know
you, is so important and knowingwhat your standards are for
yourself.
Wait, not even for arelationship, just for you,
(12:30):
because once you really know whoyou are, it's very difficult
for someone else to come in andtell you who you are, because
and I really feel like a lot ofpeople are going through some
sort of an identity crisisbecause we don't know who we are
and we you're dealing with that.
(12:52):
It can't help but show withinthat.
And once you are connectingwith others and you're not sure
who you are, you give them spaceto define who you are.
And so I think once you startto show yourself that love and
that care like, and know whatyour non-negotiables are when
(13:13):
you're in a relationship and payattention to the subtleties
like the subtleties once peopleare people.
So I might say somethingoffhanded, not realizing
something.
I said it, you know what I mean, and if you bring it to my
attention, I'll be like oh, I'mso sorry, I didn't realize it,
but if it's a pattern, that's aproblem?
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Yeah, absolutely yeah .
I had this situation with myyoungest and this is probably
now the third time that I'vetold this story, but it goes.
She had this little boyfriendlong distance, so they were just
on the phone and and I saw whenthey were like celebrating
(13:57):
their one month of talking onthe phone.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Talk to you Right.
I remember that when I was akid Right.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Oh, we made it to two months.
Everything is fine, yep, but heposted this really long rant
about how beautiful and amazingand perfect of a girlfriend she
was.
And then she posted somethingnot as long still really sweet,
(14:27):
and whatever and he thenmessaged her like is that it?
Is that all you're going to do?
And I was like, oh my, oh myGod, red alert, red flag.
I was like waving the red flag,hello, these are flags these are
(14:49):
red flags and I found that itwasn't something that she showed
me.
Obviously I found it becauseshe got in trouble with her
phone.
So when I went through it and Isaw that I was like oh my gosh.
But before I talked to her, Iwent and I meditated and I
worked out and I was in a muchcalmer state of mind, which
(15:12):
would have not have been thecase when I was dealing with my
20-year-old being 15.
Like that would have been atotally different me.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
I'm just going to say that I'm amazed it took working
out and meditation for you todo.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I needed to.
If not, I was going to go gunsblazing like who the heck are
you with, like.
But it also helped meunderstand these are 15 year
olds, like I don't know this kid, how he was raised, what he's
been exposed to, and so it's notthat I feel like it's the kids
(15:56):
fault, that this is the way thathe was, but it was like so
natural the way that he did itthat I was like, okay, this is
warning signs, right.
And so we were on our way to adoctor's appointment and I
brought it up to her and I saidyou know that I found your phone
, or the extra phone that youhad.
And she was like, yeah, I know.
(16:17):
And I said, well, I lookedthrough it and I feel like I
need to make you aware of somestuff you said it very well yeah
, and I, and I told her I'm nottelling you how, like I'm not
telling you that you need tobreak up with him or anything
like that.
That is your choice.
My job, as your mom, is to lookout for the, for things to make
(16:42):
you aware of, and this is whatI need you to look for.
This is what I saw.
Like he was so like love bombingyou All this love bombing, and
then, when you didn't meet whathe expected, you weren't enough
and that is not okay, becauseyou are more than enough and it
(17:07):
thankfully she had hercounseling appointment that day.
It was all divine timing, butshe went to her counselor and
talked about the situation andcame out apologizing to me for
doing something wrong, becauseshe took a phone that like an
old phone from my room.
And then, secondly, she had aconversation with him because
(17:31):
she realized that she needed tolove herself first and she
needed to work on that, and heneeded to work on that, whatever
he was going through.
And if he wanted to staytogether and work on it, then at
least he's aware that she knowswhat.
(17:52):
That was not okay.
And they lasted another month,okay, which was fine.
I told her I'm not going totell you whether or not you
should be with him.
It's long distance.
I think that, personally, Ithink that's a stupid move, but
that's just me.
Whatever, however, coming fromexperience, it's a stupid move,
(18:16):
but, however, it's your choiceand I'm hoping that just
ingrained in her that those arethings to look out for, those
are red flags, those are thingsthat at the moment that you
experience them wait a second,this is something you gave her
(18:37):
space.
Yeah, I learned.
My oldest did not get a lot ofthat, but I learned a lot.
I grew, I evolved as a parent.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
My kids say that about my daughter too.
They're like who are you?
I'm?
I'm like, well, first of all,son, daughter, you don't raise
them the same.
And then, secondly, there'sbeen some evolution.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
I've done some, yeah I and I think that's huge like
as parents and to show them andteach them.
Hey, there's no manual for this.
There's no manual that camewith you, particularly you,
child.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Nothing that tells me exactly how to deal with you
specifically, right?
So this is coming from my heart.
It will always come from myheart.
Just know that I get thingswrong too, and I'm very big, it
makes the relationship a lotbetter too.
Yeah, I'm very big with evenapologizing when I call it lack
of sleep or hormones or whateveryou want to call it.
(19:40):
But if I feel like there's ashort fuse and I act on that
short fuse and then I have toretract and say that was not
what I intended, I'm so sorry.
This is how I wanted to say itand just so that you could teach
them right that it's okay tohave a moment.
(20:02):
However, you need to recognizethat those moments need to be
addressed and then go about theconversation.
And it's like you were sayingsometimes you catch yourself and
you're like, oh well, that wasnot, those are not behaviors
that I want to live by.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I really appreciate that you mentioned regarding you
allowed her to discover whatwould be okay and not okay for
her.
So that way it means more whenshe has to make other decisions
for herself.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yeah, yeah, and I feel like she's just more
mentally mature than emotions.
She's still 15.
She's still going through allof them, but I think mentally
she's so much more mature thaneven her oldest sister at age 20
.
So she has that mental maturitythat is more logical thinking,
(21:06):
and so I think that I can maybehave these conversations and
even though her emotions will beinvolved in them, she'll like
have a moment to sit back andreflect a little bit.
That's what, at least what Ihope, is happening, because just
the conversations are sodifferent.
And, again, maybe it's becauseI'm such a different parent now
that I see a difference.
(21:27):
But, yeah, it's so importantfor them to just learn those
signals, those red flags, those.
Even with my son there's somuch that he's 18 and like
graduating and I'm like the realworld is it's so different and
(21:47):
you know, you have to know whatspace you occupy in this world,
and so I try to give them asmuch openness, because I didn't
have a lot of openness when Iwas growing up.
It was very like this is justthe way you do it and and so I
never felt I went through my owntraumas.
I was sexually assaulted at 16and I kept it to myself for
(22:10):
three years didn't say anythingto anybody, and so the fact that
I couldn't physically sayanything to anybody, or didn't
feel like I could, made me wantto evolve as a parent that way.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
I had great parents.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
However, those were just topics that weren't touched
, and healing were topics thatweren't touched, and I think
that's also very generationaland we are Hispanics, so things
don't get said.
We say a lot of things and alot of things don't get said.
It's crazy that way, but and soit just.
(22:49):
I think that's the differencethat I wanted to make with my
kids.
Tell me all the things my son, Ialways knew from very early on,
like very early on, but he cameout to me when he was 12 and he
was like mom, I feel like I,like boys, and I'm like, okay, I
(23:10):
, okay I knew, but okay, I had afeeling I don't know know, call
it mother's intuition, call itwhatever you want, but I knew.
And the last week I wasstruggling because I, we have
really awesome conversations onour way to school.
Every day he drives, I sit inthe passenger seat eating my
(23:32):
breakfast and we have justawesome, just crazy
conversations.
And I'm like this is like, notthat we're not going to have
conversations, but this isending, this ritual that we have
is ending, but it's that I lovethe openness that we do have.
I wish I had that when I wasgrowing up and so I wanted to
(23:55):
give that to my kids.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
It's pretty awesome that you do that.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, it's definitely made a huge difference in our
relationship.
So anyways, sorry, back to yourstory.
I want to bring it back to yourcounseling practice, like how
do you incorporate your personalexperience with domestic
violence to empathize andsupport your clients more
effectively?
Speaker 3 (24:17):
to empathize and support your clients more
effectively.
So I tend to attract I think Ibelieve it's in my website where
I talked about how I'm adomestic violence survivor so I
tend to attract people who haveexperienced trauma, particularly
from relationships, and it'snot just from a partner, but
also, if it's familial as well,also workplace, those types of
(24:40):
things, and because youmentioned about how you had your
experience when you were 16,the sad part about all of this
is that it's a similar thread.
It's all trauma, but it's asimilar thread, right.
So just letting people know asit makes sense I don't tell them
(25:02):
everything, I just give themsnippets of the information, but
just letting them know aboutsome things that I can relate
with them and also telling themso that they can to help them.
And that's why I say I lefteverything.
I left my home, I didn't have acar, I left everything and I
(25:25):
took my sons with me, all of myfurniture, just about a good
portion of my clothes.
I left everything and I don'tregret it because I'm still here
today.
And so what I say to people isif you have to leave, leave,
(25:47):
because you can get things backLike there's, you can get things
back.
So if you have to leave butdon't stay, don't stay.
Do whatever you can.
If you have to get yourself ago bag, if you have to make a
plan to do it, I help a lot ofpeople plan to leave.
(26:08):
So just whatever you have to doand whatever you think you're
going to lose, to lose, I'm aspiritual person and I believe
that when God restores, healways makes it better than what
you had before.
He'll take a Honda and he'llmake it into a Lamborghini.
You know what I'm saying.
So it's kind of like it'salways going to be better.
(26:29):
It's just a matter of you andit's very scary, but know that
you're not alone and you havepeople there.
So, in regards to your questionof how I integrate it, that's
pretty much how I integrate it.
When I talk with them, I take asnippet of my story and then I
try to encourage them and letthem know they can do it.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Yeah, yeah, I love that.
I feel like that.
I am a huge believer in life isalways happening for you and
not to you, and we could eitherlook at it as the victims life
is happening to me or we canlook at it as this happened to
(27:11):
me and because of it.
This is the purpose that Ifound, and I feel wholeheartedly
.
That's what you did.
You experienced the situationand, rather than it continuing
to have power over you, you werelike no, I'm taking the reins
and I'm now giving it a purposeand really helping others with
(27:37):
it.
I think that's why I'm so vocalabout everything that I've been
through, because I trulybelieve that if I'm still here,
after four bouts of cancer,sexual assault, infertility,
just everything that I've gonethrough If I'm still here,
there's got to be a biggerpurpose, and so I feel like
(28:00):
that's what you experience aswell.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
Absolutely.
And then the other part of it,too, was I.
Another change that I did is Ibecame intentional about who I
had in my circle.
So it's not that I don't careabout others and things of that
nature, but I wanted peoplearound me who were encouraging
(28:24):
me, who were granting me graceas I was processing things, who
were showing me care andkindness, and that meant that I
had to make some changes withsome of my friendships and I
realized, within thosefriendships, in order for me to
(28:45):
attract those types of people, Ineeded to be that type of
person for others as well, andso within that, that was also an
intentional thing too, and so Ialso want to say that my
community, my people, Ideveloped connection with others
and when, within my connectionswith others, it also helped me
(29:06):
get to this place as well.
The person I mentioned whereshe said I think you would be
really good as a counselor, she,as in the therapy world, she's
one of those people in my circle.
So I became intentional aboutthat as well, and sometimes the
changes you have to take when itcomes to those friendships can
(29:27):
be difficult, and even sometimesfamily.
God bless them.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Yes, it's about to be the same thing.
We are so in sync.
Sometimes you have to just belike I love you At a wedding or
a funeral.
I love you and I live a veryand life.
I love you and I need to spacemyself from you.
I have too much.
(29:58):
I have too much positivity toadd any negativity to this space
.
Sorry.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
And let me say that too, I believe that the more joy
, the more intentional you areabout bringing joy around you
and in your life, the more youattract joy.
I't necessarily believe, like,in the secret and that kind of a
thing, but I do believe thatthere's something about energy
connection, building rapport,like when you get that from
(30:27):
other people.
Even science says that rationalenergy.
Yes, absolutely so.
When you display that, when yougive that off, it comes back to
you and people become moreattracted to that.
So be intentional about fillingyour life with things that
bring you joy, which also goesinto knowing who you are as an
(30:49):
individual.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Yeah, I actually do.
I listen to the Secret all thetime, but it's and it's more.
For me, it's reminding myselfthat the vibrational energy I
put myself in every single day,like I start my day with the
daily fire, which is the growthday app that I told you about I
(31:13):
start like that's literally Iwake up, I put my headphones in,
I don't even look at my phoneuntil I finished listening to
that, and so I listened to that.
I brush my teeth, I get ready,whatever I head out, and then I
have to eat, I meditate and thenI have to do my pre-workout.
(31:34):
But I do my pre-workout doing alittle dance because it's my,
one of my, but I do mypre-workout doing a little dance
because it's my one of myfavorite drinks in my whole day.
so it's that, and you'll see onsocial media that's what I wake
up to every morning and that'smy routine, and you'll always
see me get up with the littlego-go juice dance that I call.
But it's because my energy likeif I don't put my oxygen mask
(31:58):
on first, if I don't take careof me first, they're like I
won't be here for everybody else, I won't have the energy for it
, and so I try to keep myself ashigh vibration.
I don't know if you've everread or listened to the energy
bus.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Yes, I interviewed the author, one of the authors
of the energy bus.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Yes, I interviewed the author one of the authors of
the energy bus, really, oh mygod.
So he's john gordon isliterally one of my favorite
people.
I can listen and I could I liketo listen to it.
I have it in in a book form aswell, but I love to listen to it
because it's for a year and ahalf.
Every month, at the beginningof every month, I would listen
(32:39):
to the book because it preparedme for the month, right and that
just it really just set me upfor success and bringing the
people that, like, I started myday with the intention of send
me who needs me, who needs myenergy, who needs my
(33:02):
accountability, who wants tomake more income, that really
truly wants to impact otherpeople, like all of these things
, like send me that.
But I have to show up as thatfirst.
Speaker 3 (33:14):
Right, absolutely, and I'm the kind of person that
I liked what you said aboutbringing an income, who has
purpose behind it.
Right, yeah, because I'm thealso that way.
I don't want just anyone whowants to bring income just to
bring an income.
What is the?
What is your mission aroundthat?
And I think that's part of myhealing journey too, you know,
(33:38):
whereas I'm not just willing totake anything in my circle you
know, so I have tattooed on methe word legacy Love it, love it
, yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Because I feel, like the people that I've brought
into my life little by little,we're leaving a legacy right,
and I'm leaving it for mychildren and I want to be I want
them like.
We had a celebration of lifefor my dad after he passed away
(34:08):
and Condolences.
Thank you.
So the most.
I still, to this day, get callson his phone number of people
that this is like a year and ahalf later, of people that
didn't know that he had ajewelry shop that he so people
from all over the US would sendhim watches to repair and all
(34:31):
the things right, and peoplethat didn't know.
And it's like I'm consolingthem every single time because
everyone knew who my dad was andhis spirit and everyone just
loved him and he left thatlegacy for me and I know that if
(34:55):
I survived my mom's miscarriage, if I survived all of these
things, holy heck, I have apurpose in this world.
And this is why I started thispodcast was because I truly feel
like the stories of people thathave survived all these things
(35:15):
are proof that have survived.
All these things are proof.
If you are going throughanything right now and you need
proof that you can get throughwhatever against all odds and
you get to then leave yourlegacy for your family, what an
(35:36):
impact.
And in the business that I have, it's the same thing.
Like I, nine years ago, wasoverweight, depressed and with
cancer and single mom of threekids, dealing with a busy career
and and for whatever reason,God put an email inbox.
That was a dance program that Icould do from home and I, with
(35:58):
the last bit of my credit cardbalance, I maxed out my credit
card and I bought this thing toget healthy, that this was
non-negotiable, that I neededthat to happen.
I did it and then I startedimpacting people because of my
own journey and I was like, ohmy God, this is crazy.
(36:20):
And because I stayed consistent.
I'm in Florida.
I have a friend that lives inAlaska and I asked her for nine
months if she would join group.
Every month she would be likenot right now, and not right now
to me means not this moment,but I'm still interested.
(36:41):
So I kept asking and I askedfor nine months, every single
month, and she finally said yes,Girl almost lost 100 pounds.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
And I was like like what if I would have given up on
that?
Right her whole life.
She's left a different legacyfor her kids.
Her kids know a healthy mamaand not one that's always in the
hospital, which you used to be,and that.
That, to me, is powerful.
That's leaving a legacy.
(37:14):
I didn't do anything except forprovide her the tools and keep
asking.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
Very, very key there.
You said consistency, right,and that is something that you
have to be when it comes toflowing in a place of within
your healing journeys, beingconsistent.
Now, consistent can lookdifferent.
It doesn't mean that you'redoing it every single time, but
as long as you have a patternand you're doing better and
(37:45):
you're being intentional aboutit.
Yeah I think, that's where youstart to see results, because I
bet she didn't lose a hundredpounds by being an inconsistent
Correct.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
She knew that she needed to do something.
And, again, she was always inthe hospital Every month.
There was always something andand that broke my heart, because
her youngest was a baby and Iwould just reach out every
single time and every singletime she'd be like and I would
just reach out every single timeand every single time she'd be
like no, not right now, but oneday.
(38:16):
And that one, like, I stillremember she signed up in
October of 2018.
I vividly still remember,because it impacted me, her
showing up and, little by little, like creating these habits and
learning how to eat, little bylittle, like creating these
habits and learning how to eat,and that in itself has changed
(38:37):
her whole family, because nowher kids are exposed to that as
well.
And it just it.
It's so powerful.
It's so powerful and that's thepoint.
You go through the things thatyou go through, and now you're
leaving a legacy for some othersurvivor right, absolutely,
absolutely because you're goingto be the catalyst that helps
(38:58):
them move on from that situationand then you're encouraging
that person too, because theysee the results yeah, absolutely
.
And so that's the powerful thingabout against all odds and
about what we see, that lifehappens for us, what that means.
(39:21):
It just is so powerful to meand I know that my mindset I
have a mindset coach he didn'tget, he didn't create this.
It was, I think, from TonyRobbins that he got it from, but
because I heard him say it somuch and I love Tony Robbins
that he got it from, but becauseI heard him say it so much and
I love Tony Robbins, I listenedto him all the time.
But because I heard my mindsetcoach, brad, say it over and
(39:42):
over and over and over againlife is always happening for you
, not to you.
It just felt like, oh, my God,that that is is so true.
There was a moment that I wasfalling victim to old, my old
circumstances and my old stories.
Right, and when you figure outthat, like that, there's purpose
(40:08):
behind that, you're still here.
There's purpose behind that,you with your story.
You're that moment of seeingyour child try to help in any
way he could, right from thatmoment that that gave you
purpose to run right, and you'renow you have, you said, 26 or
(40:34):
27 year olds the twins are 27.
I can't believe it I can'tbelieve that you have 27 year
olds, first of all.
First of all, let me just say Ijust still can't believe you
have 27 year olds but, like you,gave them a totally different
life 21 years later.
(40:56):
You gave them a totallydifferent life because you chose
to let life happen for you andnot to you.
You didn't stay in that victimmode and I just love that.
That.
Just that's what fuels me andin this podcast, what I feel the
most fire in my belly is when Ihear stories like yours, that
(41:17):
you were like this needs tochange and you took it in your
own hands and now you helppeople do exactly what you
needed in that time and that'sso powerful.
Speaker 3 (41:31):
In the beginning I did it for my children, but as I
continued the walk, I did itfor me, and there's no way I
will ever go back.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Yeah, yeah.
That's just so amazing.
So many survivors struggle withreclaiming that sense of self,
of who they are identity, if youwill after experiencing
domestic violence.
So, based on your journey andprofessional insights, what
strategies do you find um mosteffective in in helping those
(42:02):
people rebuild their identityand confidence again?
Speaker 3 (42:05):
so anytime you come, you recognize that you've been
experienced a trauma.
It shifts you and the personthat you were.
You're not that person and soit's like a rediscovery of who
am I.
So what I typically tell peopleis create a bucket list of
things you'd like to try to doand then, within that bucket
(42:30):
list, also consider somethingthat you really enjoyed from
your past that you haven't donein a long time, because a lot of
times what happens is you findyourself in a space of being
isolated.
That is all part of the wholegrooming, part of being in that
situation, right, and so youknow, if before you enjoyed I
(42:56):
don't know reading or listeningto music or dancing things out
like what you were talking about, and you want to try to
integrate that, add that to whatyou're trying to do so that you
can relearn who you are.
Also, try different looks likemaybe, try different things, try
different outfits.
(43:16):
I will say this when I was Ididn't even realize it when I
was in my relationship I wore alot of dark colors.
When I was coming out notnecessarily coming out of the
relationship, but when I was outof the relationship I realized
most of my colors are dark.
(43:38):
I'm wearing black browns, it'slike I'm going to a funeral,
because I literally felt like Iwas in a, and so I had no idea
that I was emanating what I wasexperiencing through my clothing
.
So I started to wear morebright colored clothes and
discovered that purple and pinkare my favorite colors.
(44:01):
But see, I know, girl, I'mreally loving this.
So I say all of that to sayrediscover who you are and be
open and recognize that you'regoing to be going through a
transformation.
And if you decide, you knowthat you don't like certain
(44:22):
things.
You liked it before, but youdon't like it now it's okay,
because we're constantlyevolving, we're constantly
changing or constantly changing,and a lot of times when you're
coming out of a traumaticexperience I'll use weight loss,
for example, your friend wholost a hundred pounds there's
probably some foods that sheliked before that she doesn't
(44:44):
have a taste for now, and that'spart of her evolving, immediate
and her healing journey.
So just be open to that and beokay with that.
But that's a really fun thing Ilike to share with people
because it's like Ooh, I get totry this or that and I'm like,
yeah, you can try it, you don'tneed anyone's permission to find
what brings you joy.
Speaker 2 (45:05):
Yeah, I remember when me and my ex-husband were
divorcing or separated orwhatever were divorcing or
separated or whatever we had agreat relationship, so nothing
like, like what you experienced.
Speaker 3 (45:22):
I truly just feel like we grew, like you guys,
organically grew apart.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Yeah, I was 19 when I got married, 17 when we first
met, so like super young, and by28 we were divorced or
separated and so I started.
I was like, well, I don't knowwho the heck I am, because I
left my parents house and gotand was with him and so I've
(45:49):
always been either my parents'daughter.
Speaker 3 (45:53):
Or someone's wife.
Speaker 2 (45:54):
Or someone's wife.
So who's Maria?
And I learned that at that timeI really enjoyed sitting down
in front of a TV watching abasketball game and drinking
some wine and having some cheese.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
That is cool, Yep.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
But I was like I would have never done that with
him right.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
I would have never done that with him, so like it
was very much a oh who are you?
Kind of reintroduction tomyself, and I think that's what
you're talking about.
It's like learning who we areagain and allowing yourself to
be different and enjoy differentthings.
And yeah, I love that.
(46:39):
I love the fact that yourealize that your wardrobe
emanated what you wereexperiencing.
Speaker 3 (46:48):
I had no idea, I had no idea.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
It's so mind-boggling that this is the kind of things
that come out after you're likecoming into the light, if you
will Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
It feels like kind of like areally rainy day, that it's like
an ever, forever rainy day,right.
And then, like all of a sudden,this light come out and you're
(47:11):
like there's sun, what,absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
And then, like all of , a sudden, this light come out
and you're like, there's sun,absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (47:24):
I love that so much, so much, so much.
Okay, so quickly.
So what?
What do you feel like limitingbeliefs or roadblocks that you
had to overcome in order to getto where you were today, or
which ones are you trying tohelp others work through
themselves?
Speaker 3 (47:39):
Well, just the phrase you are enough.
You know what I mean.
I believe, even on the, I'vebeen saying that a lot, even
putting it into the like, mymarketing pieces, and just
saying people.
Saying saying people, you areenough.
Because we constantly feel likewe're not enough because we
don't have this or we don't havethat, whatever this or that
might be, but you are enough.
(48:00):
So just that's.
That is a major limiting belief.
And I think another limitingbelief is people pleasing
because someone isn't pleasedwith us.
We internalize it, it well,something must be wrong with me.
Speaker 2 (48:20):
This is why it's so important to know who you are as
a person because sometimesthat's a you problem and not
that meaning the you problembeing that person's problem and
not yeah, what problem not a nota me thing, it's a you thing.
Speaker 3 (48:34):
Yeah, not taking ownership for something that
doesn't isn't space for you, andso I think those are a couple
of them that I can think of atthis time.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
I love that, so I have here.
You have authored a book.
Would you like to share aboutthat?
Speaker 3 (48:51):
sure.
So I have the book.
It's called the Mental HealthHandbook Strategies for
Self-Care and Resilience, and soI've written that book, and I
also written a stress coloringbook too, for stress.
Speaker 2 (49:03):
I love that because I used to buy those for my oldest
daughter all the time Her thingis art.
And that's what would get herout of her moments of anxiety
and manic moments, and it wouldbe art, and so I used to buy
those all the time, all the time.
(49:24):
Now she, like free form, draws,and I'm like woman, how are you
so talented?
You definitely did not comefrom me and my stick figures.
That is not not right.
That is not how you became sotalented.
She is so talented, it's.
(49:45):
It blows my mind and it'samazing.
But yeah, that's that is soawesome, so I'll have to look
that up.
And then you are alsofacilitating a peer group.
Is that correct?
Speaker 3 (49:58):
Yes, it is for blended families of school age
children.
I'm doing this in partnershipwith an organization called
Forum and it's going to befocusing more on like
psychoeducation, and it's just away for people to come together
and just get support whenthey're going through different
(50:18):
family dynamics that are uniqueto blended families.
Speaker 2 (50:23):
Oh, we have one where , like the Brady Bunch, the
Puerto Rican Brady Bunch overhere.
We have so much fun.
Though I have three, he hasthree, and then like, oh my gosh
, it is definitely a fun dynamic.
I love it.
Oh my gosh, this was amazing.
Thank you so, so, very much.
(50:43):
I hope, listeners, you got someamazing nuggets out of this.
I will link all of her,everything, everything, all of
her things.
I will link it here.
I will put all her, all of herthings.
I will link it here.
I will put all of her the wayto find her on social media on
here as well.
Thank you so much.
I so appreciate you being here.
It was such a pleasure.
And, listeners, I hope you havea wonderful rest of your day.
(51:07):
Thank you so much for listening, watching, however you listen
and watch us.
Peace out, love your life.
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance Podcast with your host, maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the less than 1% chance.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I am so excited for you guys.
Listen to a new friend of mine.
Her name is Elijah Lee.
I'm just going to intro herreally quick and then we are
just going to get started,because we almost had a whole
podcast episode prior to hittingrecord.
(00:43):
It was amazing.
We connected immediately.
It was awesome.
So Elijah is an ordainedminister and a private practice
owner based in Maryland.
She has been providing personalcounseling services for over
seven years.
As a solopreneur, she extendsher expertise as an author, the
voice behind Elijah's spacepodcasts and an inspirational
(01:06):
speaker.
She's a licensed counselor.
Her practice offers a welcomingand empathetic environment for
those grappling with depression,anxiety and trauma, providing
various modes of interaction,including in-person telehealth
and group therapy sessions.
Okay, so we connect again on somany levels already.
(01:28):
So, I am so excited to introduceyou guys to Elijah how are you
today?
Speaker 1 (01:35):
I'm so excited to talk to you.
Me too.
It's awesome.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Thank you for having me on the show.
It's an honor, Maria.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Thank you.
Thank you, welcome.
I'm so excited, so give us alittle bit of backstory.
I want to hear how you got intothis space and a little bit of
your story.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
So me getting into this space has been a full
circle moment.
I always felt like one of thepurposes or one of my
foundational purposes in life isto assist and support people
who have felt like they've beenforgotten or not noticed, or
(02:18):
felt like others considered themto be insignificant, to a
degree right, and I never knewhow to really address that.
So over 20 years ago, I was ina domestic violence situation.
(02:38):
That experience was a catalystfor me because it led me down to
the trail of becoming within myown healing circle or journey.
It led me to this path ofbecoming a licensed counselor.
The moment I knew to leave wasit was the last time we were
(03:04):
together and my now ex-husbandsaid that he was going to kill
me.
And yes, and so he.
He had a knife to my throat andI was up against the wall and
on the side corner of my eye Isaw my son, who was early six.
(03:25):
Now I have twins, twin sons,and at that time they were early
six.
Their birthdays are in April.
This happened, I would say, likeMay, june, so they were early
six and he was trying to climbout of a window.
He was, I saw him trying toclimb out of a window.
He was.
(03:45):
I saw him trying to climb outof a window to get me help and
he couldn't figure out how tounlock the door.
And that's when I knew I had toleave and when I first decided
that I needed to leave.
It was my choice to leave.
I was my children because Inever wanted my home to be a
(04:09):
place where my children wantedto run away from.
I always want my home to be aplace where my children would
want to come to and that theirhome or wherever I was, they
would feel secure.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
And so from that place I was able to separate
myself and my children and madea choice to do a do different
jobs where I could stay home andbe more, more or work around
their schedule, so that could bea present mom, because I knew
(04:50):
they were experiencing traumafrom that, but I wasn't
addressing my own trauma thatcame from that.
So we moved again and when wemade another move, that was
really when I was able to startmy healing journey, because I
was with my own family and Irecognized that I had picked up
(05:12):
some unhealthy things from thatexperience and I knew that in
order to be a better mom, toshow more love towards myself,
that I would need to do somethings to take care of myself.
So, whether it was a self-helpbook, I was in different support
(05:34):
groups.
I went to my own, of course,therapy sessions and things of
that nature, and throughout thistime period I met someone who
said I think you would be goodat going into counseling, doing
therapy with people, helpingthem in their healing journey,
(05:56):
because I was alreadyorganically doing it.
And that's really what got tothat path of me going into that
journey.
So this is like a full circlemoment of me giving back and
pouring into others, just asothers had cared and poured into
me.
So that's my story so far.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
I mean that's so scary.
That's what it took.
I think my sister had a verysimilar experience, except her
son was a baby still, had a verysimilar experience, except her
son was a baby still and she sawhim get scared from I think it
was yelling or something likethat and that was the catalyst
(06:37):
for her to just run.
And I'm forever grateful forthat, because for so long she
had distanced herself from us asa family because of course she
knew that we would try toprotect her as much as we could.
So I'm so empathetic to thefact that sometimes we go
(06:59):
through experiences and we don'trealize the trauma that it
causes us, that like we wentthrough it and we we're, we
process the fact that we wentthrough it, but then what
implications did it have on whowe were as a person?
Speaker 3 (07:16):
right right.
Part of being a survivor orgoing through that whole thing
of surviving is you tend to pickup their toxic traits.
So if they're like gaslightingyou, it's not hard to pick up
the gaslighting because you'rejust trying to survive in that
(07:37):
world, in that space.
But once you get out of thatspace, of course it's not okay
to do the manipulation and thegaslighting ever.
But once you get out of thatspace, of course it's not okay
to do the manipulation and thegas lighting ever.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
But once you get out of that space, you don't know it
because you've been soaccustomed to being in it,
because what's not you don'tknow the difference because I
just did a recording not toolong ago, uh and it and we
talked about a quote that shesaid she saw on the internet,
but it was from Stephen King andI'll have to get.
(08:09):
I'll have to send it to youafterwards because it was so
good, I got goosebumps but ittalks about like you don't even
know that there's an elephant inthe room.
Speaker 3 (08:20):
Right.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Because you started with that elephant in the room
room.
So how do you even know thatwas really a thing, right?
How do you even know that there, that elephant in the room was
even there?
Because it was always there.
So you didn't know thedifference and that's the
behaviors that you learned inthat environment.
You don't know that you're evenusing those behaviors because
(08:46):
you didn't know the differenceof it.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
And that's the difference between going from a
place of surviving to thriving.
When you start to recognizeokay, so this is not healthy.
And I think for me it was alsolike getting pushback from my
sons, like they were like chillout, you know what I'm saying.
So their own lovely ways ofexpressing that push back for my
sons, like they were like chillout, you know what I'm saying,
so their own lovely ways ofexpressing that.
(09:08):
And so I was like okay, this isnot the kind of relationship I
want to have with my sons.
I want to have a healthyrelationship where there's trust
and love and care and kindness.
And so I decided to make theappropriate changes so that I
could be there.
And from doing the, taking thosesteps, I really feel like now
(09:32):
there's always room forimprovement.
But I always feel like, causeI'm always working on myself, it
doesn't stop.
But and what you said too Iwant to get back to what you
said, because, especially with Idon't shame yourself, beat
yourself up about it, becausethe most unsuspecting person
(10:10):
winds up in these situationsyou're like oh my gosh, how did
I get here?
yeah and I would say, as soon asyou're able to leave, because
it won't get better, it onlygets worse.
And that the other thing I'llsay, too, is it's not uncommon
for survivors to not do it forthemselves, they'll do it for
(10:31):
someone else yeah so for me itwas my children, and for most
survivors it's because of their.
If you're a mom, it's becauseof your children, but if it has
to be for your career, if it hasto be, I don't care what it is,
just go go.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Yeah, I, I agree I don't pay attention to much of
the news, but obviously that wasall over social media.
So it was.
It was heartbreaking and it justangers me that he was able to
get away with it for so long andthat nobody believed this woman
(11:10):
when she did speak up.
That says so much about what'sgoing on.
I was again with the previousrecording that I did.
We were talking aboutnarcissists and how the I don't
know if you've seen the newsabout the lady that was married
to this pastor, micah miller.
(11:30):
That was crazy the way thateverything looks.
He was, I think, very muchinvolved in her death, but it's
just so.
It's so crazy how all of theyget away with so much because
they have debilitated the personin such a way that they're and
(11:54):
then the person that is tryingto seek out the help sometimes
doesn't get believed and I thinkthat's really, really tough and
that's why you said the phraseyou said debilitated the person
right.
Speaker 3 (12:08):
This is why self-care , taking out time for yourself,
showing yourself, getting toknow you right, getting to know
you, is so important and knowingwhat your standards are for
yourself.
Wait, not even for arelationship, just for you,
(12:30):
because once you really know whoyou are, it's very difficult
for someone else to come in andtell you who you are, because
and I really feel like a lot ofpeople are going through some
sort of an identity crisisbecause we don't know who we are
and we you're dealing with that.
(12:52):
It can't help but show withinthat.
And once you are connectingwith others and you're not sure
who you are, you give them spaceto define who you are.
And so I think once you startto show yourself that love and
that care like, and know whatyour non-negotiables are when
(13:13):
you're in a relationship and payattention to the subtleties
like the subtleties once peopleare people.
So I might say somethingoffhanded, not realizing
something.
I said it, you know what I mean, and if you bring it to my
attention, I'll be like oh, I'mso sorry, I didn't realize it,
but if it's a pattern, that's aproblem?
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Yeah, absolutely yeah .
I had this situation with myyoungest and this is probably
now the third time that I'vetold this story, but it goes.
She had this little boyfriendlong distance, so they were just
on the phone and and I saw whenthey were like celebrating
(13:57):
their one month of talking onthe phone.
Speaker 3 (14:00):
Talk to you Right.
I remember that when I was akid Right.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Oh, we made it to two months.
Everything is fine, yep, but heposted this really long rant
about how beautiful and amazingand perfect of a girlfriend she
was.
And then she posted somethingnot as long still really sweet,
(14:27):
and whatever and he thenmessaged her like is that it?
Is that all you're going to do?
And I was like, oh my, oh myGod, red alert, red flag.
I was like waving the red flag,hello, these are flags these are
(14:49):
red flags and I found that itwasn't something that she showed
me.
Obviously I found it becauseshe got in trouble with her
phone.
So when I went through it and Isaw that I was like oh my gosh.
But before I talked to her, Iwent and I meditated and I
worked out and I was in a muchcalmer state of mind, which
(15:12):
would have not have been thecase when I was dealing with my
20-year-old being 15.
Like that would have been atotally different me.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
I'm just going to say that I'm amazed it took working
out and meditation for you todo.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I needed to.
If not, I was going to go gunsblazing like who the heck are
you with, like.
But it also helped meunderstand these are 15 year
olds, like I don't know this kid, how he was raised, what he's
been exposed to, and so it's notthat I feel like it's the kids
(15:56):
fault, that this is the way thathe was, but it was like so
natural the way that he did itthat I was like, okay, this is
warning signs, right.
And so we were on our way to adoctor's appointment and I
brought it up to her and I saidyou know that I found your phone
, or the extra phone that youhad.
And she was like, yeah, I know.
(16:17):
And I said, well, I lookedthrough it and I feel like I
need to make you aware of somestuff you said it very well yeah
, and I, and I told her I'm nottelling you how, like I'm not
telling you that you need tobreak up with him or anything
like that.
That is your choice.
My job, as your mom, is to lookout for the, for things to make
(16:42):
you aware of, and this is whatI need you to look for.
This is what I saw.
Like he was so like love bombingyou All this love bombing, and
then, when you didn't meet whathe expected, you weren't enough
and that is not okay, becauseyou are more than enough and it
(17:07):
thankfully she had hercounseling appointment that day.
It was all divine timing, butshe went to her counselor and
talked about the situation andcame out apologizing to me for
doing something wrong, becauseshe took a phone that like an
old phone from my room.
And then, secondly, she had aconversation with him because
(17:31):
she realized that she needed tolove herself first and she
needed to work on that, and heneeded to work on that, whatever
he was going through.
And if he wanted to staytogether and work on it, then at
least he's aware that she knowswhat.
(17:52):
That was not okay.
And they lasted another month,okay, which was fine.
I told her I'm not going totell you whether or not you
should be with him.
It's long distance.
I think that, personally, Ithink that's a stupid move, but
that's just me.
Whatever, however, coming fromexperience, it's a stupid move,
(18:16):
but, however, it's your choiceand I'm hoping that just
ingrained in her that those arethings to look out for, those
are red flags, those are thingsthat at the moment that you
experience them wait a second,this is something you gave her
(18:37):
space.
Yeah, I learned.
My oldest did not get a lot ofthat, but I learned a lot.
I grew, I evolved as a parent.
Speaker 3 (18:52):
My kids say that about my daughter too.
They're like who are you?
I'm?
I'm like, well, first of all,son, daughter, you don't raise
them the same.
And then, secondly, there'sbeen some evolution.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
I've done some, yeah I and I think that's huge like
as parents and to show them andteach them.
Hey, there's no manual for this.
There's no manual that camewith you, particularly you,
child.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Nothing that tells me exactly how to deal with you
specifically, right?
So this is coming from my heart.
It will always come from myheart.
Just know that I get thingswrong too, and I'm very big, it
makes the relationship a lotbetter too.
Yeah, I'm very big with evenapologizing when I call it lack
of sleep or hormones or whateveryou want to call it.
(19:40):
But if I feel like there's ashort fuse and I act on that
short fuse and then I have toretract and say that was not
what I intended, I'm so sorry.
This is how I wanted to say itand just so that you could teach
them right that it's okay tohave a moment.
(20:02):
However, you need to recognizethat those moments need to be
addressed and then go about theconversation.
And it's like you were sayingsometimes you catch yourself and
you're like, oh well, that wasnot, those are not behaviors
that I want to live by.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I really appreciate that you mentioned regarding you
allowed her to discover whatwould be okay and not okay for
her.
So that way it means more whenshe has to make other decisions
for herself.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yeah, yeah, and I feel like she's just more
mentally mature than emotions.
She's still 15.
She's still going through allof them, but I think mentally
she's so much more mature thaneven her oldest sister at age 20
.
So she has that mental maturitythat is more logical thinking,
(21:06):
and so I think that I can maybehave these conversations and
even though her emotions will beinvolved in them, she'll like
have a moment to sit back andreflect a little bit.
That's what, at least what Ihope, is happening, because just
the conversations are sodifferent.
And, again, maybe it's becauseI'm such a different parent now
that I see a difference.
(21:27):
But, yeah, it's so importantfor them to just learn those
signals, those red flags, those.
Even with my son there's somuch that he's 18 and like
graduating and I'm like the realworld is it's so different and
(21:47):
you know, you have to know whatspace you occupy in this world,
and so I try to give them asmuch openness, because I didn't
have a lot of openness when Iwas growing up.
It was very like this is justthe way you do it and and so I
never felt I went through my owntraumas.
I was sexually assaulted at 16and I kept it to myself for
(22:10):
three years didn't say anythingto anybody, and so the fact that
I couldn't physically sayanything to anybody, or didn't
feel like I could, made me wantto evolve as a parent that way.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
I had great parents.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
However, those were just topics that weren't touched
, and healing were topics thatweren't touched, and I think
that's also very generationaland we are Hispanics, so things
don't get said.
We say a lot of things and alot of things don't get said.
It's crazy that way, but and soit just.
(22:49):
I think that's the differencethat I wanted to make with my
kids.
Tell me all the things my son, Ialways knew from very early on,
like very early on, but he cameout to me when he was 12 and he
was like mom, I feel like I,like boys, and I'm like, okay, I
(23:10):
, okay I knew, but okay, I had afeeling I don't know know, call
it mother's intuition, call itwhatever you want, but I knew.
And the last week I wasstruggling because I, we have
really awesome conversations onour way to school.
Every day he drives, I sit inthe passenger seat eating my
(23:32):
breakfast and we have justawesome, just crazy
conversations.
And I'm like this is like, notthat we're not going to have
conversations, but this isending, this ritual that we have
is ending, but it's that I lovethe openness that we do have.
I wish I had that when I wasgrowing up and so I wanted to
(23:55):
give that to my kids.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
It's pretty awesome that you do that.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, it's definitely made a huge difference in our
relationship.
So anyways, sorry, back to yourstory.
I want to bring it back to yourcounseling practice, like how
do you incorporate your personalexperience with domestic
violence to empathize andsupport your clients more
effectively?
Speaker 3 (24:17):
to empathize and support your clients more
effectively.
So I tend to attract I think Ibelieve it's in my website where
I talked about how I'm adomestic violence survivor so I
tend to attract people who haveexperienced trauma, particularly
from relationships, and it'snot just from a partner, but
also, if it's familial as well,also workplace, those types of
(24:40):
things, and because youmentioned about how you had your
experience when you were 16,the sad part about all of this
is that it's a similar thread.
It's all trauma, but it's asimilar thread, right.
So just letting people know asit makes sense I don't tell them
(25:02):
everything, I just give themsnippets of the information, but
just letting them know aboutsome things that I can relate
with them and also telling themso that they can to help them.
And that's why I say I lefteverything.
I left my home, I didn't have acar, I left everything and I
(25:25):
took my sons with me, all of myfurniture, just about a good
portion of my clothes.
I left everything and I don'tregret it because I'm still here
today.
And so what I say to people isif you have to leave, leave,
(25:47):
because you can get things backLike there's, you can get things
back.
So if you have to leave butdon't stay, don't stay.
Do whatever you can.
If you have to get yourself ago bag, if you have to make a
plan to do it, I help a lot ofpeople plan to leave.
(26:08):
So just whatever you have to doand whatever you think you're
going to lose, to lose, I'm aspiritual person and I believe
that when God restores, healways makes it better than what
you had before.
He'll take a Honda and he'llmake it into a Lamborghini.
You know what I'm saying.
So it's kind of like it'salways going to be better.
(26:29):
It's just a matter of you andit's very scary, but know that
you're not alone and you havepeople there.
So, in regards to your questionof how I integrate it, that's
pretty much how I integrate it.
When I talk with them, I take asnippet of my story and then I
try to encourage them and letthem know they can do it.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Yeah, yeah, I love that.
I feel like that.
I am a huge believer in life isalways happening for you and
not to you, and we could eitherlook at it as the victims life
is happening to me or we canlook at it as this happened to
(27:11):
me and because of it.
This is the purpose that Ifound, and I feel wholeheartedly
.
That's what you did.
You experienced the situationand, rather than it continuing
to have power over you, you werelike no, I'm taking the reins
and I'm now giving it a purposeand really helping others with
(27:37):
it.
I think that's why I'm so vocalabout everything that I've been
through, because I trulybelieve that if I'm still here,
after four bouts of cancer,sexual assault, infertility,
just everything that I've gonethrough If I'm still here,
there's got to be a biggerpurpose, and so I feel like
(28:00):
that's what you experience aswell.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
Absolutely.
And then the other part of it,too, was I.
Another change that I did is Ibecame intentional about who I
had in my circle.
So it's not that I don't careabout others and things of that
nature, but I wanted peoplearound me who were encouraging
(28:24):
me, who were granting me graceas I was processing things, who
were showing me care andkindness, and that meant that I
had to make some changes withsome of my friendships and I
realized, within thosefriendships, in order for me to
(28:45):
attract those types of people, Ineeded to be that type of
person for others as well, andso within that, that was also an
intentional thing too, and so Ialso want to say that my
community, my people, Ideveloped connection with others
and when, within my connectionswith others, it also helped me
(29:06):
get to this place as well.
The person I mentioned whereshe said I think you would be
really good as a counselor, she,as in the therapy world, she's
one of those people in my circle.
So I became intentional aboutthat as well, and sometimes the
changes you have to take when itcomes to those friendships can
(29:27):
be difficult, and even sometimesfamily.
God bless them.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
Yes, it's about to be the same thing.
We are so in sync.
Sometimes you have to just belike I love you At a wedding or
a funeral.
I love you and I live a veryand life.
I love you and I need to spacemyself from you.
I have too much.
(29:58):
I have too much positivity toadd any negativity to this space
.
Sorry.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
And let me say that too, I believe that the more joy
, the more intentional you areabout bringing joy around you
and in your life, the more youattract joy.
I't necessarily believe, like,in the secret and that kind of a
thing, but I do believe thatthere's something about energy
connection, building rapport,like when you get that from
(30:27):
other people.
Even science says that rationalenergy.
Yes, absolutely so.
When you display that, when yougive that off, it comes back to
you and people become moreattracted to that.
So be intentional about fillingyour life with things that
bring you joy, which also goesinto knowing who you are as an
(30:49):
individual.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Yeah, I actually do.
I listen to the Secret all thetime, but it's and it's more.
For me, it's reminding myselfthat the vibrational energy I
put myself in every single day,like I start my day with the
daily fire, which is the growthday app that I told you about I
(31:13):
start like that's literally Iwake up, I put my headphones in,
I don't even look at my phoneuntil I finished listening to
that, and so I listened to that.
I brush my teeth, I get ready,whatever I head out, and then I
have to eat, I meditate and thenI have to do my pre-workout.
(31:34):
But I do my pre-workout doing alittle dance because it's my,
one of my, but I do mypre-workout doing a little dance
because it's my one of myfavorite drinks in my whole day.
so it's that, and you'll see onsocial media that's what I wake
up to every morning and that'smy routine, and you'll always
see me get up with the littlego-go juice dance that I call.
But it's because my energy likeif I don't put my oxygen mask
(31:58):
on first, if I don't take careof me first, they're like I
won't be here for everybody else, I won't have the energy for it
, and so I try to keep myself ashigh vibration.
I don't know if you've everread or listened to the energy
bus.
Speaker 3 (32:15):
Yes, I interviewed the author, one of the authors
of the energy bus.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Yes, I interviewed the author one of the authors of
the energy bus, really, oh mygod.
So he's john gordon isliterally one of my favorite
people.
I can listen and I could I liketo listen to it.
I have it in in a book form aswell, but I love to listen to it
because it's for a year and ahalf.
Every month, at the beginningof every month, I would listen
(32:39):
to the book because it preparedme for the month, right and that
just it really just set me upfor success and bringing the
people that, like, I started myday with the intention of send
me who needs me, who needs myenergy, who needs my
(33:02):
accountability, who wants tomake more income, that really
truly wants to impact otherpeople, like all of these things
, like send me that.
But I have to show up as thatfirst.
Speaker 3 (33:14):
Right, absolutely, and I'm the kind of person that
I liked what you said aboutbringing an income, who has
purpose behind it.
Right, yeah, because I'm thealso that way.
I don't want just anyone whowants to bring income just to
bring an income.
What is the?
What is your mission aroundthat?
And I think that's part of myhealing journey too, you know,
(33:38):
whereas I'm not just willing totake anything in my circle you
know, so I have tattooed on methe word legacy Love it, love it
, yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Because I feel, like the people that I've brought
into my life little by little,we're leaving a legacy right,
and I'm leaving it for mychildren and I want to be I want
them like.
We had a celebration of lifefor my dad after he passed away
(34:08):
and Condolences.
Thank you.
So the most.
I still, to this day, get callson his phone number of people
that this is like a year and ahalf later, of people that
didn't know that he had ajewelry shop that he so people
from all over the US would sendhim watches to repair and all
(34:31):
the things right, and peoplethat didn't know.
And it's like I'm consolingthem every single time because
everyone knew who my dad was andhis spirit and everyone just
loved him and he left thatlegacy for me and I know that if
(34:55):
I survived my mom's miscarriage, if I survived all of these
things, holy heck, I have apurpose in this world.
And this is why I started thispodcast was because I truly feel
like the stories of people thathave survived all these things
(35:15):
are proof that have survived.
All these things are proof.
If you are going throughanything right now and you need
proof that you can get throughwhatever against all odds and
you get to then leave yourlegacy for your family, what an
(35:36):
impact.
And in the business that I have, it's the same thing.
Like I, nine years ago, wasoverweight, depressed and with
cancer and single mom of threekids, dealing with a busy career
and and for whatever reason,God put an email inbox.
That was a dance program that Icould do from home and I, with
(35:58):
the last bit of my credit cardbalance, I maxed out my credit
card and I bought this thing toget healthy, that this was
non-negotiable, that I neededthat to happen.
I did it and then I startedimpacting people because of my
own journey and I was like, ohmy God, this is crazy.
(36:20):
And because I stayed consistent.
I'm in Florida.
I have a friend that lives inAlaska and I asked her for nine
months if she would join group.
Every month she would be likenot right now, and not right now
to me means not this moment,but I'm still interested.
(36:41):
So I kept asking and I askedfor nine months, every single
month, and she finally said yes,Girl almost lost 100 pounds.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (36:53):
And I was like like what if I would have given up on
that?
Right her whole life.
She's left a different legacyfor her kids.
Her kids know a healthy mamaand not one that's always in the
hospital, which you used to be,and that.
That, to me, is powerful.
That's leaving a legacy.
(37:14):
I didn't do anything except forprovide her the tools and keep
asking.
Speaker 3 (37:21):
Very, very key there.
You said consistency, right,and that is something that you
have to be when it comes toflowing in a place of within
your healing journeys, beingconsistent.
Now, consistent can lookdifferent.
It doesn't mean that you'redoing it every single time, but
as long as you have a patternand you're doing better and
(37:45):
you're being intentional aboutit.
Yeah I think, that's where youstart to see results, because I
bet she didn't lose a hundredpounds by being an inconsistent
Correct.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
She knew that she needed to do something.
And, again, she was always inthe hospital Every month.
There was always something andand that broke my heart, because
her youngest was a baby and Iwould just reach out every
single time and every singletime she'd be like and I would
just reach out every single timeand every single time she'd be
like no, not right now, but oneday.
(38:16):
And that one, like, I stillremember she signed up in
October of 2018.
I vividly still remember,because it impacted me, her
showing up and, little by little, like creating these habits and
learning how to eat, little bylittle, like creating these
habits and learning how to eat,and that in itself has changed
(38:37):
her whole family, because nowher kids are exposed to that as
well.
And it just it.
It's so powerful.
It's so powerful and that's thepoint.
You go through the things thatyou go through, and now you're
leaving a legacy for some othersurvivor right, absolutely,
absolutely because you're goingto be the catalyst that helps
(38:58):
them move on from that situationand then you're encouraging
that person too, because theysee the results yeah, absolutely
.
And so that's the powerful thingabout against all odds and
about what we see, that lifehappens for us, what that means.
(39:21):
It just is so powerful to meand I know that my mindset I
have a mindset coach he didn'tget, he didn't create this.
It was, I think, from TonyRobbins that he got it from, but
because I heard him say it somuch and I love Tony Robbins
that he got it from, but becauseI heard him say it so much and
I love Tony Robbins, I listenedto him all the time.
But because I heard my mindsetcoach, brad, say it over and
(39:42):
over and over and over againlife is always happening for you
, not to you.
It just felt like, oh, my God,that that is is so true.
There was a moment that I wasfalling victim to old, my old
circumstances and my old stories.
Right, and when you figure outthat, like that, there's purpose
(40:08):
behind that, you're still here.
There's purpose behind that,you with your story.
You're that moment of seeingyour child try to help in any
way he could, right from thatmoment that that gave you
purpose to run right, and you'renow you have, you said, 26 or
(40:34):
27 year olds the twins are 27.
I can't believe it I can'tbelieve that you have 27 year
olds, first of all.
First of all, let me just say Ijust still can't believe you
have 27 year olds but, like you,gave them a totally different
life 21 years later.
(40:56):
You gave them a totallydifferent life because you chose
to let life happen for you andnot to you.
You didn't stay in that victimmode and I just love that.
That.
Just that's what fuels me andin this podcast, what I feel the
most fire in my belly is when Ihear stories like yours, that
(41:17):
you were like this needs tochange and you took it in your
own hands and now you helppeople do exactly what you
needed in that time and that'sso powerful.
Speaker 3 (41:31):
In the beginning I did it for my children, but as I
continued the walk, I did itfor me, and there's no way I
will ever go back.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Yeah, yeah.
That's just so amazing.
So many survivors struggle withreclaiming that sense of self,
of who they are identity, if youwill after experiencing
domestic violence.
So, based on your journey andprofessional insights, what
strategies do you find um mosteffective in in helping those
(42:02):
people rebuild their identityand confidence again?
Speaker 3 (42:05):
so anytime you come, you recognize that you've been
experienced a trauma.
It shifts you and the personthat you were.
You're not that person and soit's like a rediscovery of who
am I.
So what I typically tell peopleis create a bucket list of
things you'd like to try to doand then, within that bucket
(42:30):
list, also consider somethingthat you really enjoyed from
your past that you haven't donein a long time, because a lot of
times what happens is you findyourself in a space of being
isolated.
That is all part of the wholegrooming, part of being in that
situation, right, and so youknow, if before you enjoyed I
(42:56):
don't know reading or listeningto music or dancing things out
like what you were talking about, and you want to try to
integrate that, add that to whatyou're trying to do so that you
can relearn who you are.
Also, try different looks likemaybe, try different things, try
different outfits.
(43:16):
I will say this when I was Ididn't even realize it when I
was in my relationship I wore alot of dark colors.
When I was coming out notnecessarily coming out of the
relationship, but when I was outof the relationship I realized
most of my colors are dark.
(43:38):
I'm wearing black browns, it'slike I'm going to a funeral,
because I literally felt like Iwas in a, and so I had no idea
that I was emanating what I wasexperiencing through my clothing
.
So I started to wear morebright colored clothes and
discovered that purple and pinkare my favorite colors.
(44:01):
But see, I know, girl, I'mreally loving this.
So I say all of that to sayrediscover who you are and be
open and recognize that you'regoing to be going through a
transformation.
And if you decide, you knowthat you don't like certain
(44:22):
things.
You liked it before, but youdon't like it now it's okay,
because we're constantlyevolving, we're constantly
changing or constantly changing,and a lot of times when you're
coming out of a traumaticexperience I'll use weight loss,
for example, your friend wholost a hundred pounds there's
probably some foods that sheliked before that she doesn't
(44:44):
have a taste for now, and that'spart of her evolving, immediate
and her healing journey.
So just be open to that and beokay with that.
But that's a really fun thing Ilike to share with people
because it's like Ooh, I get totry this or that and I'm like,
yeah, you can try it, you don'tneed anyone's permission to find
what brings you joy.
Speaker 2 (45:05):
Yeah, I remember when me and my ex-husband were
divorcing or separated orwhatever were divorcing or
separated or whatever we had agreat relationship, so nothing
like, like what you experienced.
Speaker 3 (45:22):
I truly just feel like we grew, like you guys,
organically grew apart.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Yeah, I was 19 when I got married, 17 when we first
met, so like super young, and by28 we were divorced or
separated and so I started.
I was like, well, I don't knowwho the heck I am, because I
left my parents house and gotand was with him and so I've
(45:49):
always been either my parents'daughter.
Speaker 3 (45:53):
Or someone's wife.
Speaker 2 (45:54):
Or someone's wife.
So who's Maria?
And I learned that at that timeI really enjoyed sitting down
in front of a TV watching abasketball game and drinking
some wine and having some cheese.
Speaker 3 (46:07):
That is cool, Yep.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
But I was like I would have never done that with
him right.
Speaker 2 (46:18):
I would have never done that with him, so like it
was very much a oh who are you?
Kind of reintroduction tomyself, and I think that's what
you're talking about.
It's like learning who we areagain and allowing yourself to
be different and enjoy differentthings.
And yeah, I love that.
(46:39):
I love the fact that yourealize that your wardrobe
emanated what you wereexperiencing.
Speaker 3 (46:48):
I had no idea, I had no idea.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
It's so mind-boggling that this is the kind of things
that come out after you're likecoming into the light, if you
will Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
It feels like kind of like areally rainy day, that it's like
an ever, forever rainy day,right.
And then, like all of a sudden,this light come out and you're
(47:11):
like there's sun, what,absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
And then, like all of , a sudden, this light come out
and you're like, there's sun,absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (47:24):
I love that so much, so much, so much.
Okay, so quickly.
So what?
What do you feel like limitingbeliefs or roadblocks that you
had to overcome in order to getto where you were today, or
which ones are you trying tohelp others work through
themselves?
Speaker 3 (47:39):
Well, just the phrase you are enough.
You know what I mean.
I believe, even on the, I'vebeen saying that a lot, even
putting it into the like, mymarketing pieces, and just
saying people.
Saying saying people, you areenough.
Because we constantly feel likewe're not enough because we
don't have this or we don't havethat, whatever this or that
might be, but you are enough.
(48:00):
So just that's.
That is a major limiting belief.
And I think another limitingbelief is people pleasing
because someone isn't pleasedwith us.
We internalize it, it well,something must be wrong with me.
Speaker 2 (48:20):
This is why it's so important to know who you are as
a person because sometimesthat's a you problem and not
that meaning the you problembeing that person's problem and
not yeah, what problem not a nota me thing, it's a you thing.
Speaker 3 (48:34):
Yeah, not taking ownership for something that
doesn't isn't space for you, andso I think those are a couple
of them that I can think of atthis time.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
I love that, so I have here.
You have authored a book.
Would you like to share aboutthat?
Speaker 3 (48:51):
sure.
So I have the book.
It's called the Mental HealthHandbook Strategies for
Self-Care and Resilience, and soI've written that book, and I
also written a stress coloringbook too, for stress.
Speaker 2 (49:03):
I love that because I used to buy those for my oldest
daughter all the time Her thingis art.
And that's what would get herout of her moments of anxiety
and manic moments, and it wouldbe art, and so I used to buy
those all the time, all the time.
(49:24):
Now she, like free form, draws,and I'm like woman, how are you
so talented?
You definitely did not comefrom me and my stick figures.
That is not not right.
That is not how you became sotalented.
She is so talented, it's.
(49:45):
It blows my mind and it'samazing.
But yeah, that's that is soawesome, so I'll have to look
that up.
And then you are alsofacilitating a peer group.
Is that correct?
Speaker 3 (49:58):
Yes, it is for blended families of school age
children.
I'm doing this in partnershipwith an organization called
Forum and it's going to befocusing more on like
psychoeducation, and it's just away for people to come together
and just get support whenthey're going through different
(50:18):
family dynamics that are uniqueto blended families.
Speaker 2 (50:23):
Oh, we have one where , like the Brady Bunch, the
Puerto Rican Brady Bunch overhere.
We have so much fun.
Though I have three, he hasthree, and then like, oh my gosh
, it is definitely a fun dynamic.
I love it.
Oh my gosh, this was amazing.
Thank you so, so, very much.
(50:43):
I hope, listeners, you got someamazing nuggets out of this.
I will link all of her,everything, everything, all of
her things.
I will link it here.
I will put all her, all of herthings.
I will link it here.
I will put all of her the wayto find her on social media on
here as well.
Thank you so much.
I so appreciate you being here.
It was such a pleasure.
And, listeners, I hope you havea wonderful rest of your day.
(51:07):
Thank you so much for listening, watching, however you listen
and watch us.
Peace out, love your life.
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