July 12, 2024 • 44 mins
What happens when your life story seems destined for hardship, but you find a way to turn every obstacle into a stepping stone? Today, we're thrilled to share the inspiring odyssey of Dr. Ray, a life and relationship coach who has faced more than his fair share of adversities. Raised in a conservative town as a Jewish and Buddhist child, Dr. Ray's journey from multiple arrests and severe health challenges to achieving a doctorate in clinical psychology is nothing short of extraordinary. Listen as he recounts a pivotal moment of tough love from a teacher that transformed his mindset, setting him on a path of remarkable personal growth.
Have you ever struggled with the emotional turmoil of co-parenting after a separation? Maria opens up about her journey of healing and the profound breakthroughs she experienced in understanding her ex-husband's perspective. Through empathy and therapeutic techniques like hypnotherapy, EMDR, and NLP, Maria's story underscores the importance of acknowledging past experiences and shifting deep-seated beliefs to foster meaningful change. We also introduce insights from a book that explores how overcoming hidden beliefs can lead to mastering life rather than just managing problems.
Family dynamics can be incredibly challenging, especially when past trauma and cultural expectations come into play. Maria, shares her harrowing experience of sexual assault at 16 and the lack of family support that followed. Her story is a powerful testament to the healing potential of open communication and validation. We delve into the importance of creating healthy narratives about one's body and beliefs, separate from familial and cultural pressures. Wrapping up, we explore the broader themes of self-love and compassion, highlighting the importance of finding healing within ourselves, even when external validation is absent. Join us for an episode filled with resilience, healing, and the transformative power of vulnerability.
Find Dr. Ray Doktor:
Instagram: @drraydoktorcoaching
YouTube: @raydoktor
TikTok: @raydoktor
Book: All It Takes Is One
Follow Maria on Facebook HERE
Follow Maria on Instagram HERE
Follow Maria on YouTube HERE
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to the.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Against All Odds, the Less Than 1% Chance Podcast
with your host, maria Aponte,where we will hear stories of
incredible people thrivingagainst all odds, and my hope is
that we can all see how life isalways happening for us, even
when we are the less than 1%chance.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I hope you are doing fantastictoday.
Boy, do I have a treat for youtoday?
So I wanna introduce you guysto Dr Ray.
Doctor, a renowned life andrelationship coach since 1995,
(00:40):
has empowered over 6,000 clientsto break through limiting
beliefs and overcome life'schallenges, significantly
enhancing their confidence,self-trust and happiness.
Don't we all need that?
Holding a doctorate in clinicalpsychology, a master's in
counseling psychology and abachelor's in human behavior, dr
Ray combines his extensiveexpertise with advanced
(01:03):
techniques like hypnotherapy,which I think is amazing, emdr,
which has helped me a lot, nlpand ancient practices such as
can you help me with this word?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Does it say Qigong?
Does it say somatic experience?
Okay, I wasn't sure.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, qigong sorry.
No worries.
Such as Qigong and meditation,to offer a holistic approach to
mental wellness.
You are speaking all of my lovelanguages.
I love all types of practicesthat help me understand myself
and my brain and how I be, why Ibehave the way I do, and I have
(01:41):
kids, so it helps me immenselywith that I'm so I thank you for
being on.
Give us a little bit about youand maybe you're against all odd
stories oh yeah, I can justjump right into it.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
So I'm gonna say a bunch of stuff.
So I have been arrested 11times.
I have been in jail.
So that's people like what forDUI?
So driving under influence.
When I was in high school, abunch of buddies, a couple of
buddies of mine we took off witha woman's car, or we were 17
(02:16):
and we crashed it.
So Grand Theft Auto.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Like things like that , like just things.
And so I was.
I got in trouble.
I, things like that, like justthings.
And so I was.
I got in trouble.
I so that kind of paints alittle bit of story too.
I was born with crooked legs soI was made fun of literally I
had the same experience asForrest Gump, where I had kids
chasing me and I was really fast.
Okay, yeah, I won a lot ofraces.
(02:40):
After the fact there was a lotof tension in our home.
My father was in Marines for 30years.
He fought in World War II, theKorean War and three tours in
Vietnam.
So when he came back there wasa lot of intensity in our home
and I developed a mood andnervous disorder so I started
pulling out my hair to where Ihad bald spots and was made fun
(03:03):
of.
I was also raised Jewish andBuddhist in a conservative town.
I can keep going on.
I also had really bad asthma,so I would be separated from
other children to be givenmedication when I would have an
asthma attack, and I just keepgoing on and on.
But with all of those, itshaped me into who I am and the
(03:26):
one experience I had, which iswritten in my book and it talks
about my first really dark nightof the soul, and that is where
I was a star football player inmy junior high and before the
season even began, I fracturedand broke basically my right leg
(03:47):
into 14 different places, andso that was like my sense of
self, of being popular, havinggirls like me, all this kind of
pseudo respect, and for two,three months I was really
feeling bad for myself.
I was probably experiencing amild form of depression, and
I've it.
There was a teacher named missJenkins who I did not like, and
(04:10):
she did not like me either.
However, she did say somethingto me that was quite profound
and she looked at me.
She says, ray, you need to juststop feeling sorry for yourself
and get over it.
And I get angry.
But that's exactly what I did.
Yeah.
And so that was when I was 14and not that led to healthier
(04:33):
lifestyles or lifestyle andchoices, but at least it got me
out of the victimhood to dosomething about something I was
experiencing that was negative.
So that's.
There's a lot there you cantalk about.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
All kinds of things.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
That led to I dropped out of school before my senior
year.
I ended up getting my GED whenI was like 19.
And, of course, later on mylater 20s, I finished school and
it was like my early 30s when Igot my doctorate.
So I came from, you know, beinghaving a lot of health
challenges to get in troublewith the law, to drop out of
(05:12):
school, to earning a doctoratein clinical psychology, and now
I'm like a bestselling author aswell.
So there's more to that too,but that is my- that is just
goodness, dr Ray.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
That is amazing.
That, yeah, against all odds,for real, I feel like
circumstances, even just gettinga GED and thinking how, looking
back and saying, did you everthink you would be a doctor from
that?
That is powerful.
And it shows us that that ourcircumstances currently do not
(05:47):
determine our future and, andthe reality that will come, that
we can choose to make changeswith that decision.
So, oh my gosh, that's amazing.
So talk to us a little bitabout what number one, you have
a book, so I want to hear aboutthat and what, I guess what led
to wanting to do a book.
(06:07):
I know you, coach, I know you,you you do amazing Because I
again, I've experienced myselfsome of these practices and
they've made such a differencein my life.
So let's hear a little bitabout that.
What got you into this, thatkind of practice?
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Just like most people who will be listening to this
podcast, I imagine that you'reon this healing journey.
You're recognizing that lifecould be better.
So everyone starts from thatpoint, such as I even write
about this in my book.
I talk about how people getstuck, and that is the first
step is where you recognize that, wow, I've been married five
(06:47):
times.
Maybe it is me.
Or, hey, five people have toldme I have a drinking probably
problem.
Maybe there's truth in that.
So it's like you're no longerin denial and getting defensive
about it.
So that's the first step ofhealing.
Yeah.
Shit, I have a problem.
Two is you start talking aboutit.
Typically you talk to yourfriends and they're biased, but
(07:09):
that's where you feelcomfortable.
And sometimes your friends willsay, yeah, we've always seen
that problem, but we didn't wantto tell you because you would
get defensive.
Or they might say I had thesame problem too.
Three is you might startlooking on YouTube to see if
other people have problems withthis and so forth, and that
might lead to like doing yourown self-analysis.
(07:29):
And the fourth one is where yourecognize oh, I'm going to
reach out to an expert such asmyself or you, maria, and you
start talking to that coach ortherapist.
And then that goes into talkingabout the past, usually where
you're a parent wasinappropriate or your dad never
showed up, or it's usually theconversations about the past,
(07:52):
but it usually creates anarrative of still, in a way of
victimhood.
I am this way because of whatwas done to me versus I was
influenced by this and I startedto believe it was my fault.
My dad did this and I took itpersonally when he was working
out his issues.
So there's a point where youhave to step into empowerment,
(08:16):
recognize, yes, these thingshappen, but it's not the
totality of who I am.
They're experiences in which arestill maybe not integrated yet
into healthy learning, and so,therefore, we're walking around
with these outdated programs andtraumas to where that's what's
ruling our life, and essentiallyit's this If we don't change
(08:39):
our consciousness, we willrespond emotionally to even safe
experiences.
An example would be this so themother of my child went through
so much trauma when she was achild and I never dated her,
meaning that we got together,but it was the second time were
(09:03):
single people.
She didn't give me enoughinformation.
She got pregnant and I did notknow I had a child until he was
five and a half months old oh mygosh, yes but I raised Max
full-time on my own.
I honestly don't have much helpfrom her still, but when she had
Max and she was struggling, Iwas at her apartment and I was
(09:25):
basically showing up to becauseI made good money and I went
through a refrigerator and I sawthat his supplies were getting
short, like his supplements.
I do everything for my son,okay, and I text messaged her
and said I see that you're outof these products.
She responded in a veryreactionary way.
(09:46):
She said stop snooping aroundmy place, mind your own business
.
It was aggressive to where,like most parents would go or
co-parents would go.
Thank you for contributing,thank you for caring about our
kid, but I didn't know that sheexperienced adults and even
(10:07):
parents being inappropriate withher.
Yeah, getting into her business.
She didn't trust anyone, nordid she trust me.
Yeah.
So the first year of ourco-parenting was constantly
defensive, as if I were aperpetrator.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I wasn't.
So that would be a good examplewhere, if you don't heal your
trauma, if you don't heal yourstory, even good people you
won't recognize and you'llcreate drama with him or her
also, because it's not that'show they are.
It's that what shows up is howyou are and therefore you create
(10:46):
problems in a lot ofrelationships.
So we have to look at that andonce we heal that, we start
having easier relationships, wehave better problem-solving
skills and our life gets better.
But we have to look at thingsfrom that perspective and I went
through that kind of process ofhow people go through their
(11:10):
healing.
I would say most traditionaltherapists stay with what
happened to you.
So it's not about some solution.
It's about them holding thecontainer, them hearing how you
feel and, in a way,commiserating to validate you.
But if that doesn't move in adirection of better choices, if
(11:34):
you are not taking personalresponsibility of how you want
to live your life now, nothingwill change.
Therefore, you'll be in therapyfor 20 years and many of your
friends are saying, will besaying like maybe not to you but
to other people, so-and-so goesto therapy.
I have no idea what they talkabout, because she continues to
attract these narcissists.
(11:54):
So-and-so goes to therapy andyet I haven't really seen his
life change.
And it's not judgment, it'sthat because you got to get out
of that story, you got to movein that place to where you're on
the other side yeah, I thinkthat it was actually talking.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I don't remember who I was talking to, but when you
mentioned co-parenting, I I hadan amazing, amazing father.
I had amazing parents, but I hadan amazing father and he and I
were super close and when Iseparated from my ex-husband, I
(12:31):
had this expectation of himshowing up, like my dad showed
up, and that led to a lot ofsuffering for me.
A lot of suffering because hedidn't do that.
A lot of suffering for me.
A lot of suffering because hedidn't do that.
And until I started to heal alot of parts of me and
understand that and just lookand have a little bit more
(12:54):
empathy and awareness of myex-husband is already surpassing
what he experienced as a childfrom his dad.
So to him, he is a great parentbecause he shows up every other
weekend and every other week inthe summer, and to him, he has
already surpassed the fact thathis dad didn't do that and child
(13:20):
support is always on time,doesn't matter that there's
other things that I need toprovide for, but to him he's
showing up as an excellentfather, even if it's not at my
expectation of what I know as afather, and it was like this eye
opening experience and now wehave a great relationship,
(13:43):
because I don't expect more.
I know that he's always tryinghis best.
It's just a different way oflooking at him and I think that
until I healed myself andunderstood that wasn't.
And I think healing is like anever evolving.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
It's a forever journey Because sometimes we
don't know when things like yousay you don't subscribe to the
belief that you'll beenlightened and in that one
moment, like everything is,everything no angels are flying
around.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
You hear beautiful music in the background and
hummingbirds flying by I wouldtotally be in a different part
of my life right now if that wasthe case.
I've done a lot of work on myown healing and which is why
again, maybe this is why weconnected, because all of this
I've done the hypnotherapy, emdr, nlp, all of these things that
(14:29):
I continue to practice formyself, because I know that this
is a forever evolving things.
I have gone through many thingsin my life and sometimes we can
fall back into the trap of thishappened and no, no, no, no, no
.
Like I'm actually reallygrateful for the things that
happened because I am, in myopinion, awesome human being and
(14:51):
I always try my best and Ialways try to help others
because of everything that I'vegone through and I am strong and
I am resilient and I am all ofthese.
I am the parts of who I ambecause of everything I went
through and I don't know.
I just I.
Just.
(15:12):
When you said that sometimes westay in that victim mentality
and just live in there becausewe haven't healed all those
wounds, like deep down stuff, itjust resonated with me so much.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
You mentioned that you've been doing this work for
a while.
I don't know what that means toyou or how many actual years
that is.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
So a lot of the work that I've done it was most of it
has been from nine years agoand on Went to therapy for the
first time when I was 19.
But that was solely becausethat was the first time I spoke
up about having been sexuallyassaulted at 16.
And, like I say, quiet forthree years and that created a
(15:57):
lot of disease in my body andwhen I finally spoke up I felt
so much lighter and I didn'tuntil I was like 20.
I started dabbling back intothe healing.
But in the last nine years orso when I started my health
journey was when I was like allright, I need to figure me out.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Yeah, but you mentioned my book and I'm going
to bring it up now, not becauseI'm trying to get people to buy
it more.
That it's a, I imagine it it's.
It could sound like I'm overlyconfident of saying this,
however, if you go and read thereviews that are up right now,
they it.
That's what the readers aresaying.
(16:42):
The book was so.
First off, I've been coachingfor almost 30 years.
I've seen over 6,000 clientsand I trained with some of the
greatest renowned coaches,therapists, on the planet.
So, as an example, my mentorcoached Tony Robbins' teachers.
(17:05):
In fact, mentor coach TonyRobbins' teachers.
In fact, nlp.
Some of the material that's inthere was taken from my teacher
and he was never given credit.
He doesn't care, he's deadright now, but the point is that
there's modalities I learnedfrom some pretty great teachers
out there.
My mentor worked with FritzPerls, carl Rogers, like these
people were, like the pioneersof the 60s who recognized, like
(17:29):
cycle analysis, took too long towhere there's different ways to
make shifts and see rapidmovement with a person's
transformation.
So, based on that approach, mybook basically breaks down
pretty much almost everysecondary gain that clients
(17:51):
experience that keep them stuck.
It breaks down all the waysthat most of us in a Western
culture become programmed andhow to basically reprogram
ourselves so we're not stillstuck in the matrix.
And so there's a lot of blindspots that happen with a lot of
professionals which they don'tknow.
(18:12):
I put that in the book andthat's why the book is called.
All it Takes is One Drop yourOne Big Hidden Belief and Master
your Life.
So, such as for yourself, maria,and most people, many people
feel as though they maybe have10 problems and so therefore
they keep working on all theseproblems, but not a whole lot
(18:34):
changes.
In fact, for the most part theystart to manage them better, to
where that maybe helps themfeel a little bit more in
control and empowered, so theydo feel better, to where the way
they talk about their life is alittle bit more positive.
So therefore that's also goingto increase happy neurochemicals
in a body to where we feelbetter.
(18:55):
But as far as what they attractand what they experience,
oftentimes a lot doesn't changeand therefore that person keeps
going to therapy, keeps going toretreats, keeps going to do
yoga, to just breathe that shitout of their body because their
consciousness hasn't reallyshipped.
And I'll give you a coupleexamples.
(19:15):
So if a child were to grow upand be around a parent who said
relationships take a lot of workand it takes a lot of
compromising and you're nevergoing to be happy, then this
child, by witnessing his or herparent on an ongoing basis,
never resolving their issues andthey're always being tensioned,
(19:39):
might find themselves eitheravoiding relationships and don't
know why, or being inrelationships that are toxic,
and they don't know thedifference because they were
programmed to believerelationships take a lot of work
.
The hidden belief might be thisI'm afraid to be like my
parents or I'm afraid to bestuck, I'm afraid to lose my
(19:59):
autonomy.
So therefore, instead of reallyunderstanding that or removing
that and shifting that, theyalways find themselves in
relationships they compromisethemselves in.
But the real issue was thisthat parents never learned how
to communicate authentically.
Their parents were nevertransparent about what they were
feeling to resolve and toexpand when working with, say, a
(20:22):
client like that, and weuncover that we work on their
core beliefs, such as I'm afraidto be myself to.
I didn't know I could be myselfto.
Oh my God, I don't have tocompromise myself to where then
they end up being in a healthyrelationship.
So that would be an example,and another one would be this
Some people get really tied intotheir victim mentality.
(20:45):
Now, this is not dismissing thatsomething had happened to you.
However, if you were touchedinappropriately, not just once
but twice, by a family member orsomeone close to you, then
there might be a hidden beliefthat people get close to you
also hurt you.
That's a hidden belief.
Therefore, that person mightremain in casual relationships
(21:07):
to where.
Here's something that I'm justgoing to.
It's a generalization, but I'veheard it not just once.
Like at least 50 times I haveworked with women who've become
strippers.
Almost every one of them havebeen raped, some type of sexual
assault, and they've told methat they had a love-hate
(21:29):
relationship with men and therewas parts of them that felt
empowered to take the man'smoney and to basically
manipulate them.
Yeah, it definitely makes sense,yes, so a lot of times what
happens is that we don't reallyheal what happened.
We end up moving more intosurvival, to move into the
pseudo position of beingempowered.
(21:51):
We keep people at bay, we datepeople that we can control and
it's just because we're notdealing with that true inner
belief such as, I'm afraid, tobe vulnerable, the program might
be people who get close to youend up hurting you.
Yeah.
And these people will go readlike relationship books.
(22:14):
They'll work with a subparcoach and they'll tell that
woman or man, you need to bemore masculine or feminine.
If you wear these types ofclothes, you'll have people be
attracted onto you to tell awoman you need to tell the man,
you, that you appreciate him andall this surface shit.
It doesn't work becausevibrationally, emotionally, he
(22:35):
or she is still afraid and untilthey own that and integrate
that, what will show up is stillthe same thing.
I date him or her because it'ssafe.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Yeah, yeah, that makes so much sense.
I love that and you betterbelieve that I'm definitely
going to get in your book afterwe finish, because I agree it is
core beliefs from, and I caneven look back and see the
repetition of these core beliefs, that core belief in my own
(23:07):
situation.
And so I can understandeverything that you said right
now, because I'm like, oh my God, that makes so much sense.
If I look back, it all has ageneral like a.
It's like a funnel, right.
All of these things happen, butit all ends up in that same
(23:28):
feeling or thought process.
I guess you can call it.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
How did you so?
What culture did you come from?
What did you experience as ayounger girl?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
So I'm Puerto Rican and very Catholic, so put those
two together.
I had yeah it was veryprotective childhood, so a lot
of-.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
You mean sheltered.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Sheltered, yeah, sheltered, very sheltered, and
you don't speak of anything.
I'm the complete opposite withmy kids.
I speak to my kids abouteverything and I opened that
door because I felt like nothingwas able to be talked about,
because it would be immediatelycriticized, it would be like it
(24:12):
wouldn't be validated, itwouldn't.
I didn't know what I wastalking about, kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
So just notice that for a moment.
Isn't that interesting beforeyou?
I don't mean, it's just this.
So basically, at an early age,you're being programmed that
what you say is not important ortruth.
So imagine that, developing toyour teenage years and young
adult years, you're not trustingyourself in decisions.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
Absolutely and in so many levels.
So when I got sexuallyassaulted at 16, I was
babysitting the the parent ofthe child was living with her
parents and her brother in thishousehold, right, and she wanted
to go out.
She was newly single and shewent out and I was the
(25:00):
babysitter.
Brother comes in, he's 26, I, Iwas 16.
And he assaulted me and Ididn't say anything to my family
.
Why?
Because they were just going tocriticize and they weren't
going to validate what I needed.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Blame me for how you dressed, or something like that.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Oh, my God, you took the words right out of my mouth.
It is exactly what I felt I waslike.
Maybe my shorts or shirt, my,it was too short and it was what
at 16, everything that I like Ilooked for.
How I was to blame in this, soI, I stayed quiet, I didn't say
anything.
And then they asked my parentsif I could babysit again, and it
(25:45):
happened a second time andagain I just didn't think I
could say anything.
So I kept it to myself.
And as soon as I turned 18, thefirst woman checkup that I went
to, I had cervical cancer andNobody understood how it wasn't
(26:07):
in my family.
How did I have cervical cancer?
I knew how the doctor told meyou had HPV, the strand that
caused cancer, and this is howit had happened, and I knew who.
Tell anybody that.
This is the reason why, becauseI won't be validated and it's
(26:32):
it'll still be my fault.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
And so it that just kept happening.
And until I was 19 and thecancer had come back and I was
like dealing with the depressionof just keeping all this in.
And I was going to cosmetologyschool at the time and I stopped
going to school and thedirector called me and she's
like Maria, I'm going to have tocall your parents because
(26:57):
they're paying for the schooland you're not showing up.
And I was like, no, no, no,miss Baker, I will go in and
we'll talk.
And that was the first time Isaid anything about what
happened to me.
And it's crazy, the person thatI ended up telling her daughter
had experienced that.
So she kind of like took me inand was like, all right, you're
(27:19):
gonna go to this therapistbecause this is like a practice
that really deals with womenthat have gone through assault
and blah, blah, blah.
And so it was just the firsttime I felt heard and it was
outside of my family.
Yes, and for my, for the.
So I finally told at that pointhe was my ex husband, but at
(27:39):
that point he was my fiance.
I told him what happened and hewent crazy and he was like you
got to tell your parents.
And I'm like no, I don't, no, Idon't.
And I remember for a month Iwas like, no, I'm not telling
them, because they're going toend up telling me that it was my
fault and they're going to end.
I already knew what was goingto happen and I didn't say
anything.
(27:59):
And one day my sister she'sthree years younger than me and
she had a friend of hers that wewere coming back from church I
remember this like yesterday andshe came my mom was telling us
that her friend that I did notlike very much was pregnant and
she had called it rape and shewas like demeaning her in a way,
(28:27):
not validating that this was.
And I didn't know it could havebeen that she was just calling
it that.
And I kept trying to like tovouch for her no, you never know
, and whatever.
And my mom looked back at meand she's you don't even like
her.
Why are you so defensive of her?
(28:48):
And at that point I blurted itout and what exactly?
What I thought was exactly howit happened.
And they called me all kinds ofnames and I was like I can't,
I've been going to therapy and Iknow this is not my fault.
And I was like I'm leaving, I'mmoving out, and they're like,
(29:09):
oh, you just want to do that togo live with, with your fiance.
And I'm like, no, I wanted toget married for real out of my
house, and that's just not whatI'm okay with.
I'm not okay with you guys notbelieving me, and so that was
how that situation happened.
But it's become that underlying, like well, they're just not
(29:32):
gonna believe me.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
And yeah, so experience, it's this.
So in my book there is aprocess where it gets into
religion, it gets into sexuality.
(29:56):
For a person to create ahealthy narrative for him or
herself, what that means to them, not what they're taught by
their culture or parents, oreven be shaped by trauma.
But how do I love my body?
Now, number two there's aninitiation process where I go
(30:23):
through as many beliefs that areWestern culture or collectively
, that we, whether we'reconscious of them or not, and we
release those beliefs such asthis If you were really to ask
yourself these questions aboutyour parents, you maybe would
have shared this informationanyway or not.
And that is this In thisinitiation process in my book,
(30:46):
we end up recognizing how weproject, how we want our parents
to be, and we let go of thoseexpectations and from that we
recognize that they're dealingwith their own stuff to where
they're doing the best thatthey're conscious of.
Yeah, so the real discomfortfor them was this they're afraid
(31:07):
of change, they're afraid toask questions as well, they're
afraid to challenge all thatthey've come to know because
it's their identity.
Okay, the other part is this Ifthey're a part of this identity
, then what comes with part ofthis identity is having the
perfect, untouchable daughter.
(31:28):
To where we can keep her safe.
So there's this reality inwhich they subscribe to, whether
it's conscious or unconscious,that nothing can happen to our
daughter.
The moment that doesn't happen,they have difficulty taking
personal responsibility torecognize, oh my God, we are
(31:49):
wrong.
Oh my God, our daughter mightnot be safe, oh my God, there's
real evil on the planet, and soforth.
And so people parents will livein this bubble to keep
themselves safe and therefore,if children or people, other
family members or just anyonechallenges that belief system,
(32:12):
they could get defensive.
They can try to turn around andblame it on that other person.
To where they don't get to thetruth.
I'll just give you an example.
So most people were not reallyspeaking the truth when it came
to COVID and when I say, that is, you have the vaxxers and you
have the anti-vaxxers.
(32:33):
And if the vaxxers and theanti-vaxxers were to truly say
these things like this, I amafraid to die and I'm uncertain.
I'm afraid to lose my autonomyand my family.
I need to keep working.
I'm afraid that my kid is goingto suffer by wearing the mask.
Can you help me?
(32:54):
I'm afraid that this is goingto turn to a fascist country and
therefore I'm afraid to conform.
I'm afraid that this is too newand, from what I read, that
this is something that could bedetrimental.
I don't want to take thisexperimental drug.
I'm afraid that I'll lose myfamily members and connection to
them.
I'm talking about just the realfear, because it wasn't a left
(33:19):
or right thing, nor was it trulya pro-vaxxer or anti-vaxxer.
It was a human problem.
We shared the same fears, suchas how am I going to take care
of my family?
Yeah.
How am I going to pay my bills?
How will I be able to see myparent again without me getting
them sick?
(33:39):
Like we all have the sameconcerns, but instead of owning
that, we went on social mediaand attacked each other.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
And bashed yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.
And then later on to realizewait a minute, there was truth
in all of it.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
Maybe, yeah absolutely Everyone's
discovering like wait a minute,there was some fishy stuff here,
and I know there's some peoplereally believe that the media is
true.
They're like, oh, my.
God, I believe everything on CNNor Fox News and people who are
a little bit more awake or doingthe research you've got to.
I'm sure you're now going.
Wait a minute.
I'm seeing a lot ofpharmaceutical ads right now too
(34:12):
.
Oh my God.
Oh, how many millions of peopledied by getting a vaccine too.
But if we would have just ownedour own fears and been
transparent same thing, I'mconnecting this to your parents
then the truth would be this I'mhaving a hard time, maria,
hearing you, and I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry you experiencedthis.
It makes me feel like a shittyparent.
(34:33):
Oh my God, it's making mequestion my religion.
Oh my God, like I have to livein my own bubble.
If they could just say that toyou, then it would be where you
both can meet in the middle.
You would have said no, ithappened, it just happened.
How do we heal it now?
I don't want to keep.
It's just not about you being agood parent or a bad parent,
but what you just did again wasnot support me as an adult.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Yeah, and so three years ago I was working with a
mindset coach and this came upbecause I have zero problems in
talking about my story.
So I believe that I wentthrough it and I'm here.
So I need to speak up becausethere's other people that were
in the same spot that I was inand or that are in the same spot
(35:19):
that I was in and, if I canmaybe shift a little bit of what
they're going through, I I'vehelped somebody and so I went
through.
I was working with them, wewere doing like a group coaching
thing with my mindset coach andI brought this up and he did a
one on one coaching in front ofthis group and he challenged me
(35:42):
to have a conversation with myparents, without the expectation
of what I expected them toreact, but just letting them
know and not accusatory, buthave a conversation as to.
Hey, so you remember thissituation.
I feel like how I needed you toshow up was as a supportive and
(36:03):
loving parent that hugged me andtold me I'm going to get
emotional, that everything wasgoing to be okay, and so my dad
was dealing with cancer and Ifelt like I need, if I'm going
to have this conversation, ithas to happen like soon.
And I did have that conversationand my mom has always been very
(36:25):
dry, very.
She is not the huggygy, feelykind of person.
My dad is him and I have likelove, language, of physical
touch through and through, and Isat them down and I was like
I'm not accusing you, I'm aparent and I understand that we
just do the best that we can.
I get it and there isn't amanual and of how to to any
(36:50):
situation.
But I can tell you that what Ifelt like I needed in that
moment was your love and yoursupport, and I didn't get that
and that's why I left.
So I just want to let you knowthat all I needed at that moment
was a hug, and my mom was theone that was like I think it's
time to give you a hug and itwas just a very healing moment.
(37:13):
Sorry, I didn't mean to get allemotional.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
No, this happens almost on every podcast I do to
be honest, yeah, it does.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
But it was like it was such a healing moment.
And number one I've always justhad this otter relationship with
my mom because we don't speakthe same languages.
I know what she, how she feels,loved acts of service through
and through, and so I alwaysknow that if I help her with
(37:41):
something, she just is elated,but it's not reciprocated.
And the fact that she was thefirst one to be like let me give
you a hug now.
I think that's what you neednow and I just melted and it
just felt like the little 16year old me was like this is
what I wanted the whole time andit was very healing.
(38:04):
But I now see that, having myown children and I try to tell
them all the time listen, youdon't come with a manual, and
I'm doing the best that I can,and if I feel like I was out of
line for anything, I will be thefirst to tell you that I'm
sorry that I'm here for you.
However, you'd like to continuethis conversation and I think
(38:29):
that I'm I guess I'm very proudof the parent that I've become,
that I've learned to becomebecause of the things that I
went through myself.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
Thank you for sharing that.
I'd love to share somethingwith that before we end this
conversation, and it's this.
I imagine there are listenerswho will say I can't have that
with my dad or mom because theydied, or they'll connect the
(39:01):
idea to if I get that as well,that's what will heal this.
So you are fortunate enough toexperience that, so that's also
something I try to share, whichis a hidden collective narrative
, and that is this.
Now, this is going to soundstrange.
This is that I'm so happy thatyou had that experience, but
(39:22):
it's that we're here on our ownfree will and, while we want a
parent to love us, that noparent is obligated to.
In fact, a lot of humans don'teven love themselves.
Yeah.
So when we remember that peoplelove others as well as they love
(39:47):
themselves, it gives us, ithelps us be a little more
compassionate for ourselves, butalso the expectations we might
put onto another human beingthat will actually keep us in
our own psychological prisonbecause they're never going to
be able to love us because theystill hate themselves.
(40:08):
Yeah, and I've seen that towhere there will be people
talking about a particularlylike a narcissistic father and
they'll hold their life like ona layaway plan and keep talking
about how I'm never getting toget this from this bastard.
It was always about him andwhere they're right.
(40:29):
So the way to empower ourselvesis to recognize this.
It's true, maria, you wantedthat hug and that is so
beautiful and I validate that.
It is true that for you thathaving a human being there to
(40:50):
comfort you and to tell you itwasn't your fault would have
been so much more healing.
Yeah.
But also just recognize theexpectations that you have for
that, and you were to turn thataround in a way in which you
were clear what you desired,such as a hug.
(41:11):
Would it be enough to be huggedby three people who see you and
not your parents?
Would it have been enough foryou, for a strong, wise woman,
to look at you and say you're sobeautiful, and it happened to
me also, and I love you?
And what I'm trying to sharehere is that more than half the
(41:32):
people listening to this are notgoing to get that hug or an
apology, and so, therefore, theywait, and nothing ever changes
in our life.
It's important to recognize thatwe need to love ourselves first
and we need to be able to startfrom there.
And if we're not able toexperience that from a family
(41:55):
member or the perpetrator, thatwe do that for ourselves anyway.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
Yeah, absolutely One of the things that before I had
that conversation that ended up.
Thankfully, I went to therapybefore I had the conversation
and one of the most importantthings that my therapist told me
was make sure that you yes, youwish for this, but be prepared
(42:20):
to hug yourself.
Speaker 3 (42:21):
Yes, good advice yes.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
And so I did go in to that conversation preparing
myself to hug me and be therefor Maria, because I didn't know
how that was going to go.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
Yes, that is perfect.
Yeah, that's what people tellme.
I want to write this letter tomy dad or mom.
I'm like how would you want tofeel anyway if it was not well
received?
So they would meditate.
We would do guided imagery, sothey would be happy anyway, my
dad or mom.
I'm like how would you want tofeel anyway if it was not well
received?
So they would meditate, wewould do guided imagery, so they
would be happy anyway, and thenthey would send the letter, or
maybe not, because sometimesthey would feel good anyway and
they would think I don't need tosay anything to him because I
(43:02):
know what's going to happen.
I'm just going to love myselfanyway.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah, I love that.
Anyways, oh my gosh, I couldprobably talk to you forever.
This was amazing, thank you sovery much.
Thank you so very much.
Definitely didn't expect to getall emotional, but I think
that's just part of that healingprocess.
So, thank you, I will put allof his information for his book
(43:25):
and everything, because,seriously, don't walk, run and
get that book now.
I think it will, if it'sanything of as what I felt in
this episode.
I'm definitely excited for allof you to start this journey as
well, cause healing is, I think,everybody needs that Everybody
(43:47):
needs a lot of healing.
Speaker 3 (43:48):
It was, I had a good time.
Thank you for being sovulnerable and in your heart.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you, Dr Ray, and I hopeyou have a wonderful rest of
your day.
Listeners, thank you so muchfor listening in Peace out guys
Love your life.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Bye, bye to there.
Welcome back to the.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Against All Odds, the Less Than 1% Chance Podcast
with your host, maria Aponte,where we will hear stories of
incredible people thrivingagainst all odds, and my hope is
that we can all see how life isalways happening for us, even
when we are the less than 1%chance.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
I hope you are doing fantastictoday.
Boy, do I have a treat for youtoday?
So I wanna introduce you guysto Dr Ray.
Doctor, a renowned life andrelationship coach since 1995,
(00:40):
has empowered over 6,000 clientsto break through limiting
beliefs and overcome life'schallenges, significantly
enhancing their confidence,self-trust and happiness.
Don't we all need that?
Holding a doctorate in clinicalpsychology, a master's in
counseling psychology and abachelor's in human behavior, dr
Ray combines his extensiveexpertise with advanced
(01:03):
techniques like hypnotherapy,which I think is amazing, emdr,
which has helped me a lot, nlpand ancient practices such as
can you help me with this word?
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Does it say Qigong?
Does it say somatic experience?
Okay, I wasn't sure.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
Yeah, qigong sorry.
No worries.
Such as Qigong and meditation,to offer a holistic approach to
mental wellness.
You are speaking all of my lovelanguages.
I love all types of practicesthat help me understand myself
and my brain and how I be, why Ibehave the way I do, and I have
(01:41):
kids, so it helps me immenselywith that I'm so I thank you for
being on.
Give us a little bit about youand maybe you're against all odd
stories oh yeah, I can justjump right into it.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
So I'm gonna say a bunch of stuff.
So I have been arrested 11times.
I have been in jail.
So that's people like what forDUI?
So driving under influence.
When I was in high school, abunch of buddies, a couple of
buddies of mine we took off witha woman's car, or we were 17
(02:16):
and we crashed it.
So Grand Theft Auto.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Like things like that , like just things.
And so I was.
I got in trouble.
I, things like that, like justthings.
And so I was.
I got in trouble.
I so that kind of paints alittle bit of story too.
I was born with crooked legs soI was made fun of literally I
had the same experience asForrest Gump, where I had kids
chasing me and I was really fast.
Okay, yeah, I won a lot ofraces.
(02:40):
After the fact there was a lotof tension in our home.
My father was in Marines for 30years.
He fought in World War II, theKorean War and three tours in
Vietnam.
So when he came back there wasa lot of intensity in our home
and I developed a mood andnervous disorder so I started
pulling out my hair to where Ihad bald spots and was made fun
(03:03):
of.
I was also raised Jewish andBuddhist in a conservative town.
I can keep going on.
I also had really bad asthma,so I would be separated from
other children to be givenmedication when I would have an
asthma attack, and I just keepgoing on and on.
But with all of those, itshaped me into who I am and the
(03:26):
one experience I had, which iswritten in my book and it talks
about my first really dark nightof the soul, and that is where
I was a star football player inmy junior high and before the
season even began, I fracturedand broke basically my right leg
(03:47):
into 14 different places, andso that was like my sense of
self, of being popular, havinggirls like me, all this kind of
pseudo respect, and for two,three months I was really
feeling bad for myself.
I was probably experiencing amild form of depression, and
I've it.
There was a teacher named missJenkins who I did not like, and
(04:10):
she did not like me either.
However, she did say somethingto me that was quite profound
and she looked at me.
She says, ray, you need to juststop feeling sorry for yourself
and get over it.
And I get angry.
But that's exactly what I did.
Yeah.
And so that was when I was 14and not that led to healthier
(04:33):
lifestyles or lifestyle andchoices, but at least it got me
out of the victimhood to dosomething about something I was
experiencing that was negative.
So that's.
There's a lot there you cantalk about.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
All kinds of things.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
That led to I dropped out of school before my senior
year.
I ended up getting my GED whenI was like 19.
And, of course, later on mylater 20s, I finished school and
it was like my early 30s when Igot my doctorate.
So I came from, you know, beinghaving a lot of health
challenges to get in troublewith the law, to drop out of
(05:12):
school, to earning a doctoratein clinical psychology, and now
I'm like a bestselling author aswell.
So there's more to that too,but that is my- that is just
goodness, dr Ray.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
That is amazing.
That, yeah, against all odds,for real, I feel like
circumstances, even just gettinga GED and thinking how, looking
back and saying, did you everthink you would be a doctor from
that?
That is powerful.
And it shows us that that ourcircumstances currently do not
(05:47):
determine our future and, andthe reality that will come, that
we can choose to make changeswith that decision.
So, oh my gosh, that's amazing.
So talk to us a little bitabout what number one, you have
a book, so I want to hear aboutthat and what, I guess what led
to wanting to do a book.
(06:07):
I know you, coach, I know you,you you do amazing Because I
again, I've experienced myselfsome of these practices and
they've made such a differencein my life.
So let's hear a little bitabout that.
What got you into this, thatkind of practice?
Speaker 3 (06:24):
Just like most people who will be listening to this
podcast, I imagine that you'reon this healing journey.
You're recognizing that lifecould be better.
So everyone starts from thatpoint, such as I even write
about this in my book.
I talk about how people getstuck, and that is the first
step is where you recognize that, wow, I've been married five
(06:47):
times.
Maybe it is me.
Or, hey, five people have toldme I have a drinking probably
problem.
Maybe there's truth in that.
So it's like you're no longerin denial and getting defensive
about it.
So that's the first step ofhealing.
Yeah.
Shit, I have a problem.
Two is you start talking aboutit.
Typically you talk to yourfriends and they're biased, but
(07:09):
that's where you feelcomfortable.
And sometimes your friends willsay, yeah, we've always seen
that problem, but we didn't wantto tell you because you would
get defensive.
Or they might say I had thesame problem too.
Three is you might startlooking on YouTube to see if
other people have problems withthis and so forth, and that
might lead to like doing yourown self-analysis.
(07:29):
And the fourth one is where yourecognize oh, I'm going to
reach out to an expert such asmyself or you, maria, and you
start talking to that coach ortherapist.
And then that goes into talkingabout the past, usually where
you're a parent wasinappropriate or your dad never
showed up, or it's usually theconversations about the past,
(07:52):
but it usually creates anarrative of still, in a way of
victimhood.
I am this way because of whatwas done to me versus I was
influenced by this and I startedto believe it was my fault.
My dad did this and I took itpersonally when he was working
out his issues.
So there's a point where youhave to step into empowerment,
(08:16):
recognize, yes, these thingshappen, but it's not the
totality of who I am.
They're experiences in which arestill maybe not integrated yet
into healthy learning, and so,therefore, we're walking around
with these outdated programs andtraumas to where that's what's
ruling our life, and essentiallyit's this If we don't change
(08:39):
our consciousness, we willrespond emotionally to even safe
experiences.
An example would be this so themother of my child went through
so much trauma when she was achild and I never dated her,
meaning that we got together,but it was the second time were
(09:03):
single people.
She didn't give me enoughinformation.
She got pregnant and I did notknow I had a child until he was
five and a half months old oh mygosh, yes but I raised Max
full-time on my own.
I honestly don't have much helpfrom her still, but when she had
Max and she was struggling, Iwas at her apartment and I was
(09:25):
basically showing up to becauseI made good money and I went
through a refrigerator and I sawthat his supplies were getting
short, like his supplements.
I do everything for my son,okay, and I text messaged her
and said I see that you're outof these products.
She responded in a veryreactionary way.
(09:46):
She said stop snooping aroundmy place, mind your own business
.
It was aggressive to where,like most parents would go or
co-parents would go.
Thank you for contributing,thank you for caring about our
kid, but I didn't know that sheexperienced adults and even
(10:07):
parents being inappropriate withher.
Yeah, getting into her business.
She didn't trust anyone, nordid she trust me.
Yeah.
So the first year of ourco-parenting was constantly
defensive, as if I were aperpetrator.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I wasn't.
So that would be a good examplewhere, if you don't heal your
trauma, if you don't heal yourstory, even good people you
won't recognize and you'llcreate drama with him or her
also, because it's not that'show they are.
It's that what shows up is howyou are and therefore you create
(10:46):
problems in a lot ofrelationships.
So we have to look at that andonce we heal that, we start
having easier relationships, wehave better problem-solving
skills and our life gets better.
But we have to look at thingsfrom that perspective and I went
through that kind of process ofhow people go through their
(11:10):
healing.
I would say most traditionaltherapists stay with what
happened to you.
So it's not about some solution.
It's about them holding thecontainer, them hearing how you
feel and, in a way,commiserating to validate you.
But if that doesn't move in adirection of better choices, if
(11:34):
you are not taking personalresponsibility of how you want
to live your life now, nothingwill change.
Therefore, you'll be in therapyfor 20 years and many of your
friends are saying, will besaying like maybe not to you but
to other people, so-and-so goesto therapy.
I have no idea what they talkabout, because she continues to
attract these narcissists.
(11:54):
So-and-so goes to therapy andyet I haven't really seen his
life change.
And it's not judgment, it'sthat because you got to get out
of that story, you got to movein that place to where you're on
the other side yeah, I thinkthat it was actually talking.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I don't remember who I was talking to, but when you
mentioned co-parenting, I I hadan amazing, amazing father.
I had amazing parents, but I hadan amazing father and he and I
were super close and when Iseparated from my ex-husband, I
(12:31):
had this expectation of himshowing up, like my dad showed
up, and that led to a lot ofsuffering for me.
A lot of suffering because hedidn't do that.
A lot of suffering for me.
A lot of suffering because hedidn't do that.
And until I started to heal alot of parts of me and
understand that and just lookand have a little bit more
(12:54):
empathy and awareness of myex-husband is already surpassing
what he experienced as a childfrom his dad.
So to him, he is a great parentbecause he shows up every other
weekend and every other week inthe summer, and to him, he has
already surpassed the fact thathis dad didn't do that and child
(13:20):
support is always on time,doesn't matter that there's
other things that I need toprovide for, but to him he's
showing up as an excellentfather, even if it's not at my
expectation of what I know as afather, and it was like this eye
opening experience and now wehave a great relationship,
(13:43):
because I don't expect more.
I know that he's always tryinghis best.
It's just a different way oflooking at him and I think that
until I healed myself andunderstood that wasn't.
And I think healing is like anever evolving.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
It's a forever journey Because sometimes we
don't know when things like yousay you don't subscribe to the
belief that you'll beenlightened and in that one
moment, like everything is,everything no angels are flying
around.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
You hear beautiful music in the background and
hummingbirds flying by I wouldtotally be in a different part
of my life right now if that wasthe case.
I've done a lot of work on myown healing and which is why
again, maybe this is why weconnected, because all of this
I've done the hypnotherapy, emdr, nlp, all of these things that
(14:29):
I continue to practice formyself, because I know that this
is a forever evolving things.
I have gone through many thingsin my life and sometimes we can
fall back into the trap of thishappened and no, no, no, no, no
.
Like I'm actually reallygrateful for the things that
happened because I am, in myopinion, awesome human being and
(14:51):
I always try my best and Ialways try to help others
because of everything that I'vegone through and I am strong and
I am resilient and I am all ofthese.
I am the parts of who I ambecause of everything I went
through and I don't know.
I just I.
Just.
(15:12):
When you said that sometimes westay in that victim mentality
and just live in there becausewe haven't healed all those
wounds, like deep down stuff, itjust resonated with me so much.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
You mentioned that you've been doing this work for
a while.
I don't know what that means toyou or how many actual years
that is.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
So a lot of the work that I've done it was most of it
has been from nine years agoand on Went to therapy for the
first time when I was 19.
But that was solely becausethat was the first time I spoke
up about having been sexuallyassaulted at 16.
And, like I say, quiet forthree years and that created a
(15:57):
lot of disease in my body andwhen I finally spoke up I felt
so much lighter and I didn'tuntil I was like 20.
I started dabbling back intothe healing.
But in the last nine years orso when I started my health
journey was when I was like allright, I need to figure me out.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Yeah, but you mentioned my book and I'm going
to bring it up now, not becauseI'm trying to get people to buy
it more.
That it's a, I imagine it it's.
It could sound like I'm overlyconfident of saying this,
however, if you go and read thereviews that are up right now,
they it.
That's what the readers aresaying.
(16:42):
The book was so.
First off, I've been coachingfor almost 30 years.
I've seen over 6,000 clientsand I trained with some of the
greatest renowned coaches,therapists, on the planet.
So, as an example, my mentorcoached Tony Robbins' teachers.
(17:05):
In fact, mentor coach TonyRobbins' teachers.
In fact, nlp.
Some of the material that's inthere was taken from my teacher
and he was never given credit.
He doesn't care, he's deadright now, but the point is that
there's modalities I learnedfrom some pretty great teachers
out there.
My mentor worked with FritzPerls, carl Rogers, like these
people were, like the pioneersof the 60s who recognized, like
(17:29):
cycle analysis, took too long towhere there's different ways to
make shifts and see rapidmovement with a person's
transformation.
So, based on that approach, mybook basically breaks down
pretty much almost everysecondary gain that clients
(17:51):
experience that keep them stuck.
It breaks down all the waysthat most of us in a Western
culture become programmed andhow to basically reprogram
ourselves so we're not stillstuck in the matrix.
And so there's a lot of blindspots that happen with a lot of
professionals which they don'tknow.
(18:12):
I put that in the book andthat's why the book is called.
All it Takes is One Drop yourOne Big Hidden Belief and Master
your Life.
So, such as for yourself, maria,and most people, many people
feel as though they maybe have10 problems and so therefore
they keep working on all theseproblems, but not a whole lot
(18:34):
changes.
In fact, for the most part theystart to manage them better, to
where that maybe helps themfeel a little bit more in
control and empowered, so theydo feel better, to where the way
they talk about their life is alittle bit more positive.
So therefore that's also goingto increase happy neurochemicals
in a body to where we feelbetter.
(18:55):
But as far as what they attractand what they experience,
oftentimes a lot doesn't changeand therefore that person keeps
going to therapy, keeps going toretreats, keeps going to do
yoga, to just breathe that shitout of their body because their
consciousness hasn't reallyshipped.
And I'll give you a coupleexamples.
(19:15):
So if a child were to grow upand be around a parent who said
relationships take a lot of workand it takes a lot of
compromising and you're nevergoing to be happy, then this
child, by witnessing his or herparent on an ongoing basis,
never resolving their issues andthey're always being tensioned,
(19:39):
might find themselves eitheravoiding relationships and don't
know why, or being inrelationships that are toxic,
and they don't know thedifference because they were
programmed to believerelationships take a lot of work
.
The hidden belief might be thisI'm afraid to be like my
parents or I'm afraid to bestuck, I'm afraid to lose my
(19:59):
autonomy.
So therefore, instead of reallyunderstanding that or removing
that and shifting that, theyalways find themselves in
relationships they compromisethemselves in.
But the real issue was thisthat parents never learned how
to communicate authentically.
Their parents were nevertransparent about what they were
feeling to resolve and toexpand when working with, say, a
(20:22):
client like that, and weuncover that we work on their
core beliefs, such as I'm afraidto be myself to.
I didn't know I could be myselfto.
Oh my God, I don't have tocompromise myself to where then
they end up being in a healthyrelationship.
So that would be an example,and another one would be this
Some people get really tied intotheir victim mentality.
(20:45):
Now, this is not dismissing thatsomething had happened to you.
However, if you were touchedinappropriately, not just once
but twice, by a family member orsomeone close to you, then
there might be a hidden beliefthat people get close to you
also hurt you.
That's a hidden belief.
Therefore, that person mightremain in casual relationships
(21:07):
to where.
Here's something that I'm justgoing to.
It's a generalization, but I'veheard it not just once.
Like at least 50 times I haveworked with women who've become
strippers.
Almost every one of them havebeen raped, some type of sexual
assault, and they've told methat they had a love-hate
(21:29):
relationship with men and therewas parts of them that felt
empowered to take the man'smoney and to basically
manipulate them.
Yeah, it definitely makes sense,yes, so a lot of times what
happens is that we don't reallyheal what happened.
We end up moving more intosurvival, to move into the
pseudo position of beingempowered.
(21:51):
We keep people at bay, we datepeople that we can control and
it's just because we're notdealing with that true inner
belief such as, I'm afraid, tobe vulnerable, the program might
be people who get close to youend up hurting you.
Yeah.
And these people will go readlike relationship books.
(22:14):
They'll work with a subparcoach and they'll tell that
woman or man, you need to bemore masculine or feminine.
If you wear these types ofclothes, you'll have people be
attracted onto you to tell awoman you need to tell the man,
you, that you appreciate him andall this surface shit.
It doesn't work becausevibrationally, emotionally, he
(22:35):
or she is still afraid and untilthey own that and integrate
that, what will show up is stillthe same thing.
I date him or her because it'ssafe.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
Yeah, yeah, that makes so much sense.
I love that and you betterbelieve that I'm definitely
going to get in your book afterwe finish, because I agree it is
core beliefs from, and I caneven look back and see the
repetition of these core beliefs, that core belief in my own
(23:07):
situation.
And so I can understandeverything that you said right
now, because I'm like, oh my God, that makes so much sense.
If I look back, it all has ageneral like a.
It's like a funnel, right.
All of these things happen, butit all ends up in that same
(23:28):
feeling or thought process.
I guess you can call it.
I love that.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
How did you so?
What culture did you come from?
What did you experience as ayounger girl?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
So I'm Puerto Rican and very Catholic, so put those
two together.
I had yeah it was veryprotective childhood, so a lot
of-.
Speaker 3 (23:51):
You mean sheltered.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Sheltered, yeah, sheltered, very sheltered, and
you don't speak of anything.
I'm the complete opposite withmy kids.
I speak to my kids abouteverything and I opened that
door because I felt like nothingwas able to be talked about,
because it would be immediatelycriticized, it would be like it
(24:12):
wouldn't be validated, itwouldn't.
I didn't know what I wastalking about, kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
So just notice that for a moment.
Isn't that interesting beforeyou?
I don't mean, it's just this.
So basically, at an early age,you're being programmed that
what you say is not important ortruth.
So imagine that, developing toyour teenage years and young
adult years, you're not trustingyourself in decisions.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
Absolutely and in so many levels.
So when I got sexuallyassaulted at 16, I was
babysitting the the parent ofthe child was living with her
parents and her brother in thishousehold, right, and she wanted
to go out.
She was newly single and shewent out and I was the
(25:00):
babysitter.
Brother comes in, he's 26, I, Iwas 16.
And he assaulted me and Ididn't say anything to my family
.
Why?
Because they were just going tocriticize and they weren't
going to validate what I needed.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
Blame me for how you dressed, or something like that.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Oh, my God, you took the words right out of my mouth.
It is exactly what I felt I waslike.
Maybe my shorts or shirt, my,it was too short and it was what
at 16, everything that I like Ilooked for.
How I was to blame in this, soI, I stayed quiet, I didn't say
anything.
And then they asked my parentsif I could babysit again, and it
(25:45):
happened a second time andagain I just didn't think I
could say anything.
So I kept it to myself.
And as soon as I turned 18, thefirst woman checkup that I went
to, I had cervical cancer andNobody understood how it wasn't
(26:07):
in my family.
How did I have cervical cancer?
I knew how the doctor told meyou had HPV, the strand that
caused cancer, and this is howit had happened, and I knew who.
Tell anybody that.
This is the reason why, becauseI won't be validated and it's
(26:32):
it'll still be my fault.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
And so it that just kept happening.
And until I was 19 and thecancer had come back and I was
like dealing with the depressionof just keeping all this in.
And I was going to cosmetologyschool at the time and I stopped
going to school and thedirector called me and she's
like Maria, I'm going to have tocall your parents because
(26:57):
they're paying for the schooland you're not showing up.
And I was like, no, no, no,miss Baker, I will go in and
we'll talk.
And that was the first time Isaid anything about what
happened to me.
And it's crazy, the person thatI ended up telling her daughter
had experienced that.
So she kind of like took me inand was like, all right, you're
(27:19):
gonna go to this therapistbecause this is like a practice
that really deals with womenthat have gone through assault
and blah, blah, blah.
And so it was just the firsttime I felt heard and it was
outside of my family.
Yes, and for my, for the.
So I finally told at that pointhe was my ex husband, but at
(27:39):
that point he was my fiance.
I told him what happened and hewent crazy and he was like you
got to tell your parents.
And I'm like no, I don't, no, Idon't.
And I remember for a month Iwas like, no, I'm not telling
them, because they're going toend up telling me that it was my
fault and they're going to end.
I already knew what was goingto happen and I didn't say
anything.
(27:59):
And one day my sister she'sthree years younger than me and
she had a friend of hers that wewere coming back from church I
remember this like yesterday andshe came my mom was telling us
that her friend that I did notlike very much was pregnant and
she had called it rape and shewas like demeaning her in a way,
(28:27):
not validating that this was.
And I didn't know it could havebeen that she was just calling
it that.
And I kept trying to like tovouch for her no, you never know
, and whatever.
And my mom looked back at meand she's you don't even like
her.
Why are you so defensive of her?
(28:48):
And at that point I blurted itout and what exactly?
What I thought was exactly howit happened.
And they called me all kinds ofnames and I was like I can't,
I've been going to therapy and Iknow this is not my fault.
And I was like I'm leaving, I'mmoving out, and they're like,
(29:09):
oh, you just want to do that togo live with, with your fiance.
And I'm like, no, I wanted toget married for real out of my
house, and that's just not whatI'm okay with.
I'm not okay with you guys notbelieving me, and so that was
how that situation happened.
But it's become that underlying, like well, they're just not
(29:32):
gonna believe me.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
And yeah, so experience, it's this.
So in my book there is aprocess where it gets into
religion, it gets into sexuality.
(29:56):
For a person to create ahealthy narrative for him or
herself, what that means to them, not what they're taught by
their culture or parents, oreven be shaped by trauma.
But how do I love my body?
Now, number two there's aninitiation process where I go
(30:23):
through as many beliefs that areWestern culture or collectively
, that we, whether we'reconscious of them or not, and we
release those beliefs such asthis If you were really to ask
yourself these questions aboutyour parents, you maybe would
have shared this informationanyway or not.
And that is this In thisinitiation process in my book,
(30:46):
we end up recognizing how weproject, how we want our parents
to be, and we let go of thoseexpectations and from that we
recognize that they're dealingwith their own stuff to where
they're doing the best thatthey're conscious of.
Yeah, so the real discomfortfor them was this they're afraid
(31:07):
of change, they're afraid toask questions as well, they're
afraid to challenge all thatthey've come to know because
it's their identity.
Okay, the other part is this Ifthey're a part of this identity
, then what comes with part ofthis identity is having the
perfect, untouchable daughter.
(31:28):
To where we can keep her safe.
So there's this reality inwhich they subscribe to, whether
it's conscious or unconscious,that nothing can happen to our
daughter.
The moment that doesn't happen,they have difficulty taking
personal responsibility torecognize, oh my God, we are
(31:49):
wrong.
Oh my God, our daughter mightnot be safe, oh my God, there's
real evil on the planet, and soforth.
And so people parents will livein this bubble to keep
themselves safe and therefore,if children or people, other
family members or just anyonechallenges that belief system,
(32:12):
they could get defensive.
They can try to turn around andblame it on that other person.
To where they don't get to thetruth.
I'll just give you an example.
So most people were not reallyspeaking the truth when it came
to COVID and when I say, that is, you have the vaxxers and you
have the anti-vaxxers.
(32:33):
And if the vaxxers and theanti-vaxxers were to truly say
these things like this, I amafraid to die and I'm uncertain.
I'm afraid to lose my autonomyand my family.
I need to keep working.
I'm afraid that my kid is goingto suffer by wearing the mask.
Can you help me?
(32:54):
I'm afraid that this is goingto turn to a fascist country and
therefore I'm afraid to conform.
I'm afraid that this is too newand, from what I read, that
this is something that could bedetrimental.
I don't want to take thisexperimental drug.
I'm afraid that I'll lose myfamily members and connection to
them.
I'm talking about just the realfear, because it wasn't a left
(33:19):
or right thing, nor was it trulya pro-vaxxer or anti-vaxxer.
It was a human problem.
We shared the same fears, suchas how am I going to take care
of my family?
Yeah.
How am I going to pay my bills?
How will I be able to see myparent again without me getting
them sick?
(33:39):
Like we all have the sameconcerns, but instead of owning
that, we went on social mediaand attacked each other.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
And bashed yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.
And then later on to realizewait a minute, there was truth
in all of it.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
Maybe, yeah absolutely Everyone's
discovering like wait a minute,there was some fishy stuff here,
and I know there's some peoplereally believe that the media is
true.
They're like, oh, my.
God, I believe everything on CNNor Fox News and people who are
a little bit more awake or doingthe research you've got to.
I'm sure you're now going.
Wait a minute.
I'm seeing a lot ofpharmaceutical ads right now too
(34:12):
.
Oh my God.
Oh, how many millions of peopledied by getting a vaccine too.
But if we would have just ownedour own fears and been
transparent same thing, I'mconnecting this to your parents
then the truth would be this I'mhaving a hard time, maria,
hearing you, and I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry you experiencedthis.
It makes me feel like a shittyparent.
(34:33):
Oh my God, it's making mequestion my religion.
Oh my God, like I have to livein my own bubble.
If they could just say that toyou, then it would be where you
both can meet in the middle.
You would have said no, ithappened, it just happened.
How do we heal it now?
I don't want to keep.
It's just not about you being agood parent or a bad parent,
but what you just did again wasnot support me as an adult.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Yeah, and so three years ago I was working with a
mindset coach and this came upbecause I have zero problems in
talking about my story.
So I believe that I wentthrough it and I'm here.
So I need to speak up becausethere's other people that were
in the same spot that I was inand or that are in the same spot
(35:19):
that I was in and, if I canmaybe shift a little bit of what
they're going through, I I'vehelped somebody and so I went
through.
I was working with them, wewere doing like a group coaching
thing with my mindset coach andI brought this up and he did a
one on one coaching in front ofthis group and he challenged me
(35:42):
to have a conversation with myparents, without the expectation
of what I expected them toreact, but just letting them
know and not accusatory, buthave a conversation as to.
Hey, so you remember thissituation.
I feel like how I needed you toshow up was as a supportive and
(36:03):
loving parent that hugged me andtold me I'm going to get
emotional, that everything wasgoing to be okay, and so my dad
was dealing with cancer and Ifelt like I need, if I'm going
to have this conversation, ithas to happen like soon.
And I did have that conversationand my mom has always been very
(36:25):
dry, very.
She is not the huggygy, feelykind of person.
My dad is him and I have likelove, language, of physical
touch through and through, and Isat them down and I was like
I'm not accusing you, I'm aparent and I understand that we
just do the best that we can.
I get it and there isn't amanual and of how to to any
(36:50):
situation.
But I can tell you that what Ifelt like I needed in that
moment was your love and yoursupport, and I didn't get that
and that's why I left.
So I just want to let you knowthat all I needed at that moment
was a hug, and my mom was theone that was like I think it's
time to give you a hug and itwas just a very healing moment.
(37:13):
Sorry, I didn't mean to get allemotional.
Speaker 3 (37:15):
No, this happens almost on every podcast I do to
be honest, yeah, it does.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
But it was like it was such a healing moment.
And number one I've always justhad this otter relationship with
my mom because we don't speakthe same languages.
I know what she, how she feels,loved acts of service through
and through, and so I alwaysknow that if I help her with
(37:41):
something, she just is elated,but it's not reciprocated.
And the fact that she was thefirst one to be like let me give
you a hug now.
I think that's what you neednow and I just melted and it
just felt like the little 16year old me was like this is
what I wanted the whole time andit was very healing.
(38:04):
But I now see that, having myown children and I try to tell
them all the time listen, youdon't come with a manual, and
I'm doing the best that I can,and if I feel like I was out of
line for anything, I will be thefirst to tell you that I'm
sorry that I'm here for you.
However, you'd like to continuethis conversation and I think
(38:29):
that I'm I guess I'm very proudof the parent that I've become,
that I've learned to becomebecause of the things that I
went through myself.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
Thank you for sharing that.
I'd love to share somethingwith that before we end this
conversation, and it's this.
I imagine there are listenerswho will say I can't have that
with my dad or mom because theydied, or they'll connect the
(39:01):
idea to if I get that as well,that's what will heal this.
So you are fortunate enough toexperience that, so that's also
something I try to share, whichis a hidden collective narrative
, and that is this.
Now, this is going to soundstrange.
This is that I'm so happy thatyou had that experience, but
(39:22):
it's that we're here on our ownfree will and, while we want a
parent to love us, that noparent is obligated to.
In fact, a lot of humans don'teven love themselves.
Yeah.
So when we remember that peoplelove others as well as they love
(39:47):
themselves, it gives us, ithelps us be a little more
compassionate for ourselves, butalso the expectations we might
put onto another human beingthat will actually keep us in
our own psychological prisonbecause they're never going to
be able to love us because theystill hate themselves.
(40:08):
Yeah, and I've seen that towhere there will be people
talking about a particularlylike a narcissistic father and
they'll hold their life like ona layaway plan and keep talking
about how I'm never getting toget this from this bastard.
It was always about him andwhere they're right.
(40:29):
So the way to empower ourselvesis to recognize this.
It's true, maria, you wantedthat hug and that is so
beautiful and I validate that.
It is true that for you thathaving a human being there to
(40:50):
comfort you and to tell you itwasn't your fault would have
been so much more healing.
Yeah.
But also just recognize theexpectations that you have for
that, and you were to turn thataround in a way in which you
were clear what you desired,such as a hug.
(41:11):
Would it be enough to be huggedby three people who see you and
not your parents?
Would it have been enough foryou, for a strong, wise woman,
to look at you and say you're sobeautiful, and it happened to
me also, and I love you?
And what I'm trying to sharehere is that more than half the
(41:32):
people listening to this are notgoing to get that hug or an
apology, and so, therefore, theywait, and nothing ever changes
in our life.
It's important to recognize thatwe need to love ourselves first
and we need to be able to startfrom there.
And if we're not able toexperience that from a family
(41:55):
member or the perpetrator, thatwe do that for ourselves anyway.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
Yeah, absolutely One of the things that before I had
that conversation that ended up.
Thankfully, I went to therapybefore I had the conversation
and one of the most importantthings that my therapist told me
was make sure that you yes, youwish for this, but be prepared
(42:20):
to hug yourself.
Speaker 3 (42:21):
Yes, good advice yes.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
And so I did go in to that conversation preparing
myself to hug me and be therefor Maria, because I didn't know
how that was going to go.
Speaker 3 (42:39):
Yes, that is perfect.
Yeah, that's what people tellme.
I want to write this letter tomy dad or mom.
I'm like how would you want tofeel anyway if it was not well
received?
So they would meditate.
We would do guided imagery, sothey would be happy anyway, my
dad or mom.
I'm like how would you want tofeel anyway if it was not well
received?
So they would meditate, wewould do guided imagery, so they
would be happy anyway, and thenthey would send the letter, or
maybe not, because sometimesthey would feel good anyway and
they would think I don't need tosay anything to him because I
(43:02):
know what's going to happen.
I'm just going to love myselfanyway.
Speaker 1 (43:05):
Yeah, I love that.
Anyways, oh my gosh, I couldprobably talk to you forever.
This was amazing, thank you sovery much.
Thank you so very much.
Definitely didn't expect to getall emotional, but I think
that's just part of that healingprocess.
So, thank you, I will put allof his information for his book
(43:25):
and everything, because,seriously, don't walk, run and
get that book now.
I think it will, if it'sanything of as what I felt in
this episode.
I'm definitely excited for allof you to start this journey as
well, cause healing is, I think,everybody needs that Everybody
(43:47):
needs a lot of healing.
Speaker 3 (43:48):
It was, I had a good time.
Thank you for being sovulnerable and in your heart.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you, Dr Ray, and I hopeyou have a wonderful rest of
your day.
Listeners, thank you so muchfor listening in Peace out guys
Love your life.
Speaker 3 (44:03):
Bye, bye to there.
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