October 25, 2024 • 67 mins
Have you ever wondered how someone can rise from the depths of despair to embrace a life of healing and purpose? Join us as we explore the remarkable journey of Tywanah Evette, an intuitive healer and psychic, whose life story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. From facing life-threatening circumstances at birth to surviving unimaginable abuse, Tywanah's early years were marked by a tumultuous mix of love and trauma. Her candid recounting of discovering a pregnancy at 15, while navigating the complexities of psychiatric evaluations and family challenges, sets the stage for a powerful narrative on resilience and survival.
In our conversation, Tywanah opens up about her profound spiritual awakening and the pivotal role her ancestors played in guiding her journey to healing. Following a transformative vision, she discovered a renewed connection to her ancestral roots, including a lineage of psychic grandmothers, which helped her cultivate a deeper understanding of self-worth and familial bonds. Through Rapid Transformational Therapy, Tywanah experienced a profound shift, embracing forgiveness and a newfound spiritual identity. Her story highlights the enduring impact of familial and ancestral connections in overcoming grief and the emotional scars left by past abusive relationships.
Tywanahs message of empowerment and personal growth resonates throughout our discussion, as she reflects on the importance of setting healthy boundaries and fostering connections through shared experiences. Her journey of self-discovery is intertwined with reflections on motherhood, the complexities of familial relationships, and the ongoing quest to find peace and strength after trauma. As Tywanah celebrates the resilience and self-love she has cultivated, listeners are inspired to cherish life, embrace their true selves, and navigate their own healing journeys with courage and grace.
Connect with Tywanah:
Website: www.blackbutterflygoddess.com
Instagram: @blackbutterflygoddess
Book link: Divine Synchronicity
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the Less Than 1% Chance.
Hey, hey, welcome back toAgainst All Odds the Less Than
(00:22):
1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte.
I am so pumped for this.
We had just like a 20 minuteconversation before I even
pressed record and I was like,oh my gosh, I'm so excited for
the listeners today.
So I meet Tawana Yvette.
She's an intuitive healer andpsychic with over 35 years of
(00:45):
dedicated service in thebusiness world, now gracefully
transitioning into a moreprofound spiritual space.
So I really don't even want togo into her story, because I
want this conversation to tellher story.
It is profound, it is just youwait because it is against all
(01:06):
odds and to see just theconfidence that that she exudes
now is beautiful.
So, hi, tawana, it's so good tohave you.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
I'm so excited for this, I'vegot chills.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Oh my gosh.
I'm way, way excited.
So give us a little bit ofbackground.
What is your against all oddsstory?
And, yeah, give us all the info.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
My against all odds story started in the womb where
my mother spiked 106 fever andhad to be rushed to the
emergency room.
My godmother tells the story ofhow the doctor came out and
said if we're able to save oneof them, chances are neither of
them are going to make it.
But if we can save one, whichone do you want?
(01:55):
And my godmother's like threefoot nothing.
And my biological father saysmy wife and my godmother climbs
on this doctor's neck and hetells him you'll save both.
So I think he was scared of her, as he should be.
And I was born three poundsfour ounces, which today is not
(02:15):
a big deal, but in the 70s itwas a whole different animal.
Um yeah, I spent three monthsin the incubator before I could
even come home.
My childhood I lived with mymother and my father until she
left him when I was about threeand she was with another man who
I call my daddy.
(02:36):
I was daddy's girl.
I had no idea this man wasn'tmy father until I was 10.
Wow, that's my daddy.
He protects me in spirit eventill today.
And I did get that seven yearperiod of being a daddy's girl.
My mother fell into a very deepdepression after losing her job
when I was 10.
(02:56):
And we moved to Seattle.
That was the greatest year ofmy childhood, like I got to be a
kid.
I got to run through the woods,I got to do all of these things
that this New York City girlhad never seen.
And she got into an even darkerspace and sent me to live with
my father, and that's trulywhere my nightmare began.
So your biological father.
(03:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I call him father, I call my daddy daddy.
That's where the nightmarebegan.
He's a pedophile and I wasRAPED brutally for five years.
He threatened my mother whenshe moved back to New York from
Seattle because he worked forimmigration.
It was a church going man.
He's like I'll never give youcustody of her again unless you
(03:43):
marry me.
And so, despite me begging, mymother didn't.
She had no clue why I wasbegging for her not to marry him
.
She had no idea I hadn't toldanybody.
His girlfriend caught on to itand she left him.
She was like nope, I'm notstaying here for this, I've got
to go oh, oh, my gosh.
(04:04):
Yeah, it was quite intense.
And my mother, when she cameback to New York city, she was
in nursing school, so that wasnighttime.
She was gone at night.
Perfect opportunity for him.
Yeah, so from 10 to 15, Iendured these secrets.
I did try to tell my fifthgrade teacher she laughed at me.
What?
(04:26):
Yes?
Her and the guidance counselorlaughed and was like, ah, you're
an active kid with an activeimagination, nothing.
So your dad's a church goingman.
He works for immigration.
Ha ha, ha ha.
What do you want me to do?
Punch him.
And in my mind, my 10 year oldmind, I'm thinking yes, yes,
(04:51):
that's exactly what I want youto do.
So Antoinette Antisovsky, I'llnever forget her name.
She laughed and I don'tremember the guidance
counselor's name, but he laughedtoo.
So I shut down.
I didn't feel like anyone, Itold, would believe anything.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
When I was 15, I found out I was expecting my
father's child.
Oh my gosh, and that was tough,because even my friend who went
with me for the termination, Ilied to her and told her it was
my boyfriend's.
It wasn't my boyfriend's, itwas my father's child.
So the next day I told my momand my mom had just gotten a
(05:28):
very, very bad health diagnosis.
She had fallen into anotherdepression.
She couldn't nurse anymore.
Her health was.
It was bad, it was not good andshe couldn't handle it.
She didn't know which directionto go in.
I think in her mind I know inher mind she's like oh my God,
how do I support this child orwhatever.
(05:49):
But she's also going throughall these health challenges that
eventually did end her life.
No matter who I tell, nobodybelieves me.
I just started throwing stuffaround and she calls my sister
and my sister comes over andchecks me into the psychiatric
(06:10):
ward because I promised mysister that I would take my life
.
That night I made her a promisethat I would not stop until it
happened.
And so 30 days of evaluation ona psych ward.
They discharged me back home.
But my counselor gives me herbusiness card with her personal
phone number on it and said ifyou need me, call me.
(06:31):
So that first night home, like Ididn't sleep, I had my back up
against my bedroom door and myknees to my chest like this the
whole night, so he couldn't comein and bother me or I'd be able
to fight it.
I got up the next morning,acted like I was going to school
and called my counselor andsaid I can't do this, I can't do
(06:52):
this anymore.
And so they readmitted me inthe hospital just for a couple
of days, and I then became award of the state and spent four
years in group homes and NewYork City group homes are no
joke.
It's not loving and caring,Although I had a beautiful
(07:13):
counselor who's loving andcaring and we keep in touch
until this day.
But it's survival.
You're fighting.
You literally have to throwhands to prove yourself.
I had gotten beaten up so bad.
One night my sister andbrother-in-law had to come get
me until they could have metransferred.
So I decide well, I had aboyfriend at the time and wound
(07:34):
up expecting.
I was 17 and lost my collegescholarship, lost my modeling
contract to bring my daughterinto this world, because I
wanted love yeah.
I just wanted love and I knowthat's the worst reason in the
world to have a baby, but in myunderdeveloped mind yeah in my I
(07:58):
.
I stopped.
My emotional intelligence wasstunted at 15.
So I'm thinking like a 15 yearold.
I have my daughter and singlemom did out for a while and got
married and it's like every manthat I was with was a different
version of my father.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I kept meeting him in different bodies and went
through some things with her andmy mom, and my daughter was my
mother's heart.
And when we moved to Atlanta mymom just gave up.
She didn't want to live anymore.
My first child was her heart.
She did not want to be here.
So we found out she startedsneaking vodka and stuff in her
(08:41):
coffee and it would spike hersugar.
Eventually renal failure.
I did.
I made it back in enough time.
I got a phone call on my job.
They're taking mom off lifesupport tonight.
I'm in Atlanta.
I'm like, wait a minute.
You told me Saturday and mysister's like, yeah, but she
(09:03):
hasn't had brain waves in threedays day.
And my sister's like yeah, butshe hasn't had brain waves in
three days.
And so I got up from my deskand I went over to my boss and
I'm like I need a minute for mydesk to be covered.
I need a minute.
They're pulling my mom offtonight.
And she goes okay, go in theconference room, I'll be right.
She gives me a bottle of water,go, I'll be right there.
So she comes back about 10minutes later and she said
(09:23):
there's a ticket waiting for youat the Delta counter.
There's a limousine outside foryou.
Here's $200.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Go, oh my gosh, you've had some earthly angels.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
Yes, I do, I do and I have.
Yes, wow, kate was definitelyone of them.
So what was really funny was Iget to the hospital and you know
how the ICUs have those glasssliding doors, and I was working
for the president of First DataPOS at the time.
So I'm dressed in full suitwith heels and stuff like that,
(09:58):
because I didn't go home firstand my heels went click, click
and my mother opened her eyes.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Oh my gosh, I got chills.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
She knew it was me and I walked over to the side of
her bed and she's trying to getthe tube and I'm pulling her
hands down and I'm like, andshe's just crying, she's just
crying, she's just crying andI'm like, mommy, I forgive you,
I can't hate you, I love you.
When I sat there and talked toher I was like you got another
four month old littlegranddaughter and I'm just
(10:28):
telling her about the baby thatI just had and how she reminded
me of her, and telling her aboutmy oldest child.
I'm like she's in first gradenow and she's doing really good
and just talking to her.
But I said a prayer with her.
I said because I want yourspirit to be free when you cross
(10:49):
.
She knew they were taking heroff and the entire time she kept
her gaze on me until she flightland.
My siblings that she deliveredwere there.
He was there and she kept hereyes on me until so she was
still with him.
Yeah.
Wow Cause she had been sick forso long she wouldn't have had
health insurance.
(11:09):
Yeah, she wouldn't have had aplace to live.
Her social security at the timewas a couple of hundred dollars
a month.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
And that's where all that depression and confusion
and things came in, and so I lether know I wasn't mad at her, I
loved her, that's why I wasthere, and so I did get to say
goodbye.
I got to say goodbye.
Well, see you later I thought itwas goodbye, but I went through
two abusive marriages.
(11:38):
First one held me at gunpointfor three hours, begging for my
life, begging for my children'slives.
That was something I stillcan't.
When they take my temperatureat the doctor, I'm still not at
the place yet where they can putthe temperature gun right here.
I have to tell them always doit on the sides, because I
flashed back to having a ninemillimeter held at my head for
(12:00):
three hours.
I divorced him, of course, metsomebody else, thought he would
have been better.
He was abusive in a differentway the verbal and the allowing
his daughter to be the woman ofthe house versus me.
It was a lot.
But the real kicker I met in2020.
And, short of the sexualassault, he was my father.
(12:25):
He was sent to tear me topieces.
I thought here, I think I'mmaking a better decision.
He's a fourth grade teacher.
Years ago, I swallowed an entirebottle of sleeping pills with
(12:48):
hot coffee vinegar and went andlaid down in the woods and went
to sleep.
Oh, my gosh, I did not want tobe here.
I was done.
In fact, I remember thinkingthat, oh, I woke up and I'm gone
because I call it the void.
But while I was physicallyasleep, while whoever found me,
(13:11):
whoever was, whatever work theywere doing on me or whatever, my
mother and my stepdad werestanding at the edge of a forest
and my stepdad just keptlooking down.
Because I'm like, I'm finallywith you guys.
Thank you, I'm so glad to behere.
Nobody loves me on the otherside, nobody cares if I live or
nobody needs me, and my stepdadis going, boom, boom, no.
(13:34):
And I look at my mother and I'mlike mom, and she goes you have
to go back.
And I'm like mom, no.
And I remember pleading withher to just let me stay, to go
back.
And I'm like mom, no.
And I remember pleading withher to just let me stay.
And she goes baby, you haven'tfilled your purpose yet.
And I said I don't have apurpose, I was born without one.
And she goes actually, yourpurpose begins now.
And she takes her hands andpushes me and I wake up in the
(13:57):
hospital.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I have literal goosebumps all over my body.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Yes, and that's not something that's easy to heal
from.
They make you go throughmandatory therapy and things
like that.
But I had a best friend at thetime who had met a lady who does
RTT hypnotherapy and it's notsomething that's you cannot get
your certification easy for that, because you're tapping into
(14:23):
people's subconscious.
You cannot get yourcertification easy for that
because you're tapping intopeople's subconscious and
because it's rapid,transformational therapy,
they're digging a little deeperthan a regular hypnotherapist.
So she took me back to eachstage of my life and had me tell
that version of myself that Ilove it and I've got it from
here.
She took me back to being inthe womb and me choosing my
(14:49):
mother.
Why did you choose your mother?
I said because she's pretty andshe thinks nobody loves her and
I want her to know somebodyloves her.
That's what I remember fromthat session and in that session
it's recorded where my motherplaces her hands on my shoulders
and says I did not protect youwhen you were younger.
I will protect you fiercelyfrom this side and I'm
(15:11):
transferring my gifts to you.
And my shoulders were red andso of course I still had a year.
I was staying with my sisterhere in Virginia.
Her partner of 20-somethingyears had just passed and she's
like I think we need each other.
The truth is, she needed mebecause I'm the healer, and
healing at her house isimpossible, so she's one of
(15:34):
those people.
This is my house, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah and nobody
negates that or whatever whenyou're staying with someone else
, but it's like I moved here tohelp you too, because you've got
this six month old Cain Corso,who's crazy, and I'm the only
one who can control him.
So after I noticed my sister wasOK, I got my apartment and, man
(15:55):
, my mother's voice got loud.
I couldn't sleep.
It was undeniable.
I'm like I'm in the recliner,like, okay, have I finally just
lost it?
Have I finally just lost it?
Because I'm looking and I seethis woman and I'm hearing her.
Have I finally turned thatcorner?
And that wasn't the case at all.
(16:18):
She slowly introduced me to myancestral team and that's when I
learned my pop-up's here.
I knew my daddy was here andI've got four generations of
grandmothers who were allpsychic.
They were all psychic and peopleborn in the 1800s would have
been burned at the stake formentioning they had such a gift.
(16:39):
So they've all been waiting forme and they all come at
different times for differentreasons.
It got to the point where mymother, she's mentioning these
names and I'm like, okay, lady,who are these people?
I've never heard these names inmy life.
Like I was good.
Of course, my grandmother'sname, her mother's name, I knew,
but I'm like, okay, now we'regetting into some names.
(17:00):
I've never heard anybody say Idon't even know who you're
talking about Exactly.
And she's like I've never heardanybody say that I don't even
know who you're talking aboutExactly.
And she's like look up the nameJerusha.
And I'm like what?
And my mother's like you've gotthe thing, you've got the
Google.
Look up the name up and it'sfunny because it's the only
headstone picture in my lineageon family search and ancestry.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
My fourth great grandmother back and ancestry my
fourth great grandmother back.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yes, and I've lost a lot of people in my life, my
children, in my relationship isnot good right now, but when I
tell you I have never felt sogood.
I've never felt so good aboutsomething that I was doing.
I've never loved myself.
Yeah, like just to be able tosit in front of you and say I
(17:47):
love me, like don't cross myboundaries, because I love me
first.
That's foreign to me.
And so two years ago, a year anda half ago, I started telling
the family exactly how far theabuse went.
Now, my siblings that he hadbefore meeting my mother, they
(18:09):
all knew.
They all knew.
They knew the monster he wasand they literally surrounded me
in the group home with love.
They made sure I had passes,they made sure I had clothes,
they made sure that anytime Ididn't have to be in the group
home I wasn't.
They went through New York City, combed through all their
(18:30):
finances where they lived, andthey went through it all to be
there for me, including hisex-wife, who worked for defects
in Brooklyn, but I was placed inQueens but she made a phone
call to make sure I got into oneof the better group homes.
So that side of the familysurrounded me the siblings on my
(18:50):
mother's side, till this day.
When I told my brother two yearsago he goes, so there's proof
of this right.
What, what?
I literally that was literally.
My reaction was like what?
And I said of course there'sproof.
We had to go to court for me tobe.
I said we're from New York.
(19:12):
What money does New York Cityhave to take a child out of a
suburban apartment with twoparents?
This isn't like the.
Some of the southern stateswill remove kids for nothing.
New York city doesn't do that.
They don't have the money forit.
They're, they're crowded.
So it was then that I decidedthat I would never speak to my
brother again yeah and then myeldest sibling, who lives a few
(19:36):
miles from here.
She kept trying to make me feelbad because my dad spanked her
one time.
You got to go live with ouraunt and uncle on an Air Force
base and grow up like a normalperson.
You got a spanking, I got ababy.
So last year I cut her out ofmy life because it's like nope,
I don't need people like you inmy life.
(19:57):
If you're going to blame me forwhat you need, to go to him.
You find him in hell.
Find him.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Yeah.
And so is that the same sisterthat you stayed with?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
No, Okay, no, I never would stay in her house, no.
And my sister, who I stayedwith?
I never wanted to tell herbecause I never wanted my hurt
to become her hurt.
Yeah, because, even though mysister didn't realize, she
resented me her whole life.
I knew that she loved me in herway.
(20:29):
You know what I mean and Ididn't want her to feel that
pain, but she betrayed me sodeeply.
In November she had my childrenand grandchildren here for
Thanksgiving and I'm not incontact with my children or my
grandchildren.
Her, my children, theirrequests, they asked for space
(20:49):
and she's like's like.
Well, I'm just trying to getback to normal and I said to her
when were my kids ever includedin your Thanksgiving?
Normal, they've never spent oneThanksgiving at your house yeah
and that betrayal was so deepbut so necessary.
Because I remember I was sittinghere in the middle of the night
(21:10):
one night and normally I wouldnever text her before 7am.
It was three something and Ibelted out a text message
telling her you have resented meyour whole life.
I can't blame you because momthrew me on you sometimes
there's eight years between us,I said but you have contributed
to me hating myself more thananybody in this family.
(21:31):
I do not see myself as worthyof anything because of you and I
have tried to live up to yourstandards.
And I said to her I even triedto relieve this family of me and
it didn't work.
I said so while you guys areliving your best life, I'm
getting seizures and medicaldiagnosis after medical
diagnosis.
I'm getting seizures andmedical diagnosis after medical
(21:52):
diagnosis.
I'm done.
I said I am done.
This family secrets are done.
I am going to share them withthe world and I really don't
care.
And I gave her an option youcan be part of my life and be
respectful, or you could be likeeverybody else.
And I said to her once mychildren went no contact,
everybody's expendable.
(22:12):
Because if I can wake up everyday and try to find a reason to
live without my hearts, then youguys mean nothing.
And our relationship has changeddrastically.
She notices it.
We used to hang out everyweekend.
We used to call each otherevery couple of days.
She would call me every daywhen she was walking with
(22:33):
lunchtime or whatever, and Ipulled my energy completely back
.
So we see each other maybe oncea month.
Now we text each other maybetwice a week.
It's changed dramaticallybecause that betrayal was just
way too deep.
I had to look at my children'slocation two miles from my house
.
It was too deep Like.
(22:56):
I forgive her, but she's nolonger in the box she used to be
in.
You know what I mean.
She's now on the outside box.
When we speak, I don't tell heranything I'm doing.
She knows that I'll be apublished author this year, but
she has no idea what I'm writingabout Nothing.
She doesn't know about thepodcast.
(23:16):
She knows about nothing.
When we're together, I let hertalk.
She was the last person I hadto stand up for to start
believing in myself and settingboundaries stories, and since
then I've been sharing my story.
I even received a message lastweek and I get emotional from a
man who said I was going to takemy life and I saw you on a
(23:42):
podcast and I've decided to stay, and so when you hear things
like that, it makes thisoccasional loneliness worth it,
because that's how you knowyou're living in your full
purpose, when you're touchingpeople's hearts and guiding them
(24:05):
along and holding their hands.
That's how you're living indivine purpose, absolutely.
And so there's always a partyhere in my living room every
night.
They let me sleep more now, butI still don't get sleep at
night like normal people,because you know that's when
their energies can be thestrongest, because there's not
(24:26):
so much noise and stuff around.
My mother's always on my rightside, always.
She never leaves my right sideand if she does, it usually
means something's wrong with oneof the girls, because I left
her urn at their house One ofthose little intentional
accidents so that she had aconnection to be there with them
(24:46):
as well.
But I wouldn't trade my lifefor the world right now.
I would love if my childrenwere in it, but I had a lot of
healing to do and they don'tknow what healed mom looks like.
You know what I mean.
They don't know what healthymom looks like.
They know what traumatized momlooks like, and they've got some
(25:06):
healing to do.
But I learned recently that atleast they're all together now.
My daughter, my eldest child,used to live in California.
I found out her and thegrandbabies moved back to
Atlanta.
So it does my heart goodbecause I always raise them.
You guys have to be there foreach other, because when I'm
gone you only have each other.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Yeah, it's that all the time.
These are the people that aregoing to be here, no matter what
.
Forever gets that all the time.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
These are the people that are going to be here, no
matter what, forever, exactly.
So while it hurts my heartsometimes, it makes my heart
full in the same sentence thatthey're together.
They're not fighting each otherlike they used to.
They are together, so I'mreally grateful for that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Yeah, and I feel like sometimes we have to figure out
how life happened for us andnot to us.
I just feel like all of thosemoments just felt like the dark
time that you were going throughneeded to happen in order for
you to get to this beautifulhealed, and always healing,
(26:11):
because I feel like we're alwaysevolving this beautiful, healed
self and come to peace with alot of the things and understand
that like when there's dis easein the body it creates disease
and a lot of the things thatmaybe your mom, that guilt that
(26:32):
caused additional issues in herbody, that, unfortunately, when
you don't heal from those things, they eat you alive.
They literally eat you alive,literally eat you alive.
And that's hard to understand,especially when you're in the
muck of it and everything ishappening and you're like, oh my
(26:58):
God, why is this happening tome?
And I've found myself manytimes in those situations where
I'm like wait, like if I'vealready survived my worst day,
that means that there's apurpose.
So where can I find theblessings in this?
And then I start naming thethings that have come from it
and like the blessings that this.
And then I start naming thethings that have come from it
and like the blessings that havecome from.
I was sexually assaulted at 16as well, and from that I stayed
(27:21):
quiet, didn't say anything toanybody.
And by the time I was 18 andgot my first well woman checkup,
I had cervical cancer and itcame back at 19.
And it caused depression and Ifinally spoke up and said
something about it and I wasalso told at the same time that
I was like gonna deal withinfertility.
(27:41):
So I got married and it wasjust like this little by little
chipping away or things thathappened that I could have
continued to spiral down andwhen I was finally 32 years old
that I had the cancer come backtwice that year and I decided
(28:03):
that no, I needed to get healthy.
I was a single mom of three kids.
I needed to do something for mylife to switch that and I
started to learn about personalgrowth and personal development
and healing modality, likedifferent healing modalities.
I remember declaring 2018 theyear of me and I got certified
(28:27):
in Reiki one and Reiki two lateron, and things that I was like
I got into coaching programs.
I was just like I'm going to doanything and everything to put
my oxygen mask on first and takecare of me first, because if I
can't do that, then I can't behere for anybody else.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
And little by little, I've seen this evolved, healed
version of myself and I'm like,I'm so grateful.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Doesn't it keep you in awe sometimes?
Wow, this is really me, this isreally my life, this really
happened.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
I really did the thing.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I really did that thing, I really did it.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, it's mind boggling,
it really is.
And when we have the moment tolike close our eyes and take a
deep breath and understand thatwe've already survived our worst
day and we are still here,there's a greater purpose for
our life.
Exactly, exactly.
(29:57):
It's just become, like myyoungest daughter's, hard to
deal with the fact that youfractured your foot and your, or
your ankle and your knee, andthen we found out that she has a
herniated disc, that it's goingto follow her for the rest of
her life.
And I said I'm still sograteful that you're here and
(30:20):
you've already survived yourworst day.
Was this a really tough year?
Absolutely, and mentally andemotionally and physically?
Yes, absolutely, but this hasalso shown you how strong you
actually are.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
And things that you I love.
That.
That's the part about it I lovewhen you look back and you're
like I survived, I'm strong,like how did I get through that?
When I don't try to make itlook pretty.
There were nights where I wassitting on the floor like this,
like I don't know if I'm goingto make it.
Guys, I don't know if I'm goingto make it, but I've made it,
(30:56):
yeah.
And like you said, healing is,it's continuous.
We never stop healing.
You know, as long as we're inthis realm, we never stop
healing.
But healing from those majorthings that hurt my children and
that affected their lives yeah,that's done and that I'm proud
of and I just let them be.
I just let them be.
(31:17):
They need some time.
I let them be Because, in theireyes, I tried to take my life
over a man, whereas it wasn'tthat I tried to take my life
over him.
It was 47 years of fighting formy life from the time I was in
the womb and I was just tired.
(31:37):
He was just icing on the cake.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
It would have happened.
He was the straw that broke thecamel's back.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
Exactly yes, he was just that it would have happened
later anyway, because I wasalways giving, I was always
running here and doing this anddoing that and never really I
remember things I would say yesto.
And I'm screaming on the insideI don't want to do this.
No, I don't want to do this,but I didn't have boundaries.
(32:05):
Yeah, I had no boundaries.
So I try to cross my boundariesnow and the only thing I tell
people is this won't end wellfor you.
I had no boundaries, so try tocross my boundaries now.
And the only thing I tellpeople is this won't end well
for you, I'll be fine.
This won't end well for youthough.
Yeah, absolutely, because afteryou learn what a healthy
boundary is healthy ones, notthe ones that keep us safe in
(32:26):
our little cocoons healthyboundaries Like, I don't
over-explain myself anymore whenI say no, that's it, it's not
no because it's no.
I don't take disrespect anymore.
You're not going to talk to meon a phone that I pay for
disrespectfully, I release youwith love and I live in my own
world.
I don't ask anybody foranything.
(32:47):
I've got maybe three friendsleft, but you know what anybody
for anything.
I've got maybe three friendsleft, but you know what?
I know they're troopers.
I know they're troopers.
I know they would never turntheir backs on me and I know
they were there for the thick ofit.
They were there when I wasgoing through the worst of it.
Two of my friends have theAlexa drop-in.
They have that feature becausethere were nights.
(33:09):
They were concerned and I wouldtell them I'm not going to do
anything, but just to put theirmind at ease, I was like here
you can talk through my houseall you want.
I'm going to hear it, no matterwhat room I'm in.
Yeah, I learned I could livealone because since I had my
daughter in high school.
I've never lived alone, yeah,and I learned I'm creative.
(33:30):
I've never lived alone, yeah,and I learned I'm creative.
I did not know that.
I liked to redo furniture anddo all those DIY projects.
Like, I have a whole flowerwall, a whole living wall in my
apartment.
It was my first project.
I've learned so much about me.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
Isn't that the most amazing thing?
Rediscovering who the heck youeven are, because you, for the
whole of your life, you were inthis protective mode.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Survival.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Survival, and it's like the fight or flight mode
and for so long and you didn'tknow anything else and you
didn't know that, like you hadso much in you and so, yeah, you
rediscover who the heck you areand it's such a beautiful, I
(34:22):
say I honestly say I discoveredwho I am because I never knew
who I was to begin with my voice.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
When they did hypnosis therapy on me when I
was 26, every session was ahypnosis session and at the end
my therapist said he startedtouching you when you were two,
so I never knew who I was.
I was silenced as a toddlerbefore I was even out of diapers
(34:51):
.
Now everyone knows.
I don't care.
I'm sure at some point thecousins and the aunts will have
something to say about it.
And it's you.
Grew up with him, you shouldknow.
Yeah, but I feel free.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Yeah, it's this like weight off of your shoulders,
off of your life, your chest Ilost weight.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
I lost physical weight life your chest I lost
weight.
I lost physical weight.
Yeah, that happens.
I no longer had to be this forthis person, this for this
person, this for this person,but never for me.
When I remember a few timessaying what about me?
And my kids would say thingslike don't make everything about
you and it wasn't that I wastrying to make everything about
(35:33):
me, but I wanted something to beabout me right.
Anything, anything, yeah.
So, and don't get me wrong, I'mproud of them.
They are three remarkable womenand I say in every podcast they
are so brave to have stood upto me as their only parent for
(35:55):
my two youngest children, myoldest daughter's father's in
her life.
But to stand up to your onlyparent and say, enough, I can't
take anymore, enough, my God.
Like my children, they don'tknow.
They're my heroes.
Yeah, that's beautiful.
(36:16):
One day they will.
One day, hey, I'm all over theinternet now, so they're bound
to see something.
That's, if my grandkids aren'ton youtube one day, like, hey,
there's nana, but they're myheroes.
They are everything I never was.
They were everything that Icould never be in those years.
So I applaud them for takingthe stance.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
They are the strong women that you portrayed
yourself to be in front of them,so that they were shielded from
a lot.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
I would imagine.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
Yes, very true, very true.
Because if it's to the pointthat they think that you try to
take your own life for a man,that means that you probably
shielded them first from so muchI did, and you were such a
strong idol in their eyes thatthey were like who is this?
(37:13):
This is not what I'm used to.
So I think that one day they'lland I think people just need
time, and the fact that you'regiving it to them is beautiful
in itself.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
I'm not one of those Gen X parents who are going to
be out here saying I'm yourmother, you're supposed to know
I made mistakes, you weretraumatized behind my mistakes.
It doesn't matter the why,right?
It doesn't matter that myemotional intelligence at the
time was that of a 16 year old.
They don't care about that.
They care about this stillhappened to me.
(37:48):
This is still my truth, and soI don't take their truth from
them.
Their truth is their truth.
I'm never going to take thatfrom them.
Whatever they feel I was or wasnot is their truth and I receive
it and I accept it and I acceptwhat comes with it.
I have to be accountable for it.
So that means, if they comeback into my life, my God, great
(38:10):
right.
It would be beautiful.
But if they don't, that's theirchoice, because that was their
truth and I think a lot of usparents, because a lot of us are
going through this now I foundout.
A lot of us parents need to sitback and take accountability
and not oh well, when I was yourage, my parents didn't know
where I was from 7 am to 10 pm.
(38:32):
At least I track your phone.
No, that doesn't matter, theydon't know that era, they've
never lived in that era.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
I feel like even like I've even evolved very much as
a parent from my oldest daughterto my youngest daughter.
So my oldest is 20 and myyoungest is 15 and my son in the
middle of that is 18.
And I feel like I'm a veryvastly different parent to my 15
(38:59):
year old than I was to my 20year old.
But they don't come with amanual and I was doing the best
that I could.
And that's, I think, where weas children don't understand.
So when I look back and I thinkthat you saw this within your
mom as well when you look backand you're like that wasn't who
(39:23):
I needed you to show up, to belike, so we find this resentment
and then we figure out whenwe're parents.
We figure out that, holy heck,they didn't even have a clue
what they were doing.
They were doing the best.
Because I doubt that they wakeup and like how can I make this?
(39:46):
No manual?
That comes with this with eachchild, because my kids are all
different, so different, sodifferent.
When my ex-boyfriend passed awayat the time we weren't together
, but we were still best friendsand he had been in my kid's
life for six years and that wastheir stepdad for the longest
(40:07):
time and I remember he actuallylived in Atlanta at the time and
two weeks before he passed awayhe FaceTimed us and he's like I
miss you guys.
And they were so excited theygot to tell him all the things,
get him up to date witheverything that was happening in
their life.
And when they handed the phoneback to me he was in tears
(40:27):
because he's like I just missyou guys so much and I'm like
well, you know that you alwayshave an open door and so in my
mind, and I think in their mind,that was who I was going to
grow old with, right?
So it didn't matter that weweren't together at the moment,
it was totally fine.
And then two weeks later I getthat call that he had a massive
(40:50):
heart attack.
Well, we didn't even know thathe just passed away.
It felt like my whole blueprintwas gone, like what the heck is
my life gonna look like now andhow everything it just it felt
like the most devastating thing.
How do you tell three littlekids that someone that they love
(41:16):
and adore so much, that theyjust talked to, is no longer
here?
Love and adore so much, thatthey just talked to is no longer
here, and it was unexpected.
Right, he was 35 years old andgot a massive heart attack.
It just doesn't make sense itdoesn't make sense right so, and
he was healthy.
He worked out like all of thesethings that would not indicate
that this was going to happen.
(41:36):
And so I tell each of themindividually.
And all three of them had very,very different reactions and
all three of them grieved verydifferently.
One was like completely shutdown, no emotions at all, and
that was my oldest and I wassuper shocked because she was
(42:00):
super close to him and latershe's like mom.
I still see him and I was likewhat fully blew my mind.
And then my son cried and wasso hurt.
And then his way of grieving isby remembering.
Do you remember when daddyEspan did this?
Do you remember when we didthis with daddy?
That was his way of grieving isby remembering.
Do you remember when DaddyEspan did this?
(42:21):
Do you remember when we didthis with Daddy?
Speaker 2 (42:23):
Espan.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
That was his way.
So I was grieving the loss ofwhat I thought was the love of
my life and I think still tothis day, one of the greatest
loves of my life.
And then the little onecompletely collapsed Because to
her she had him since she wasthree Right, and she collapsed
(42:45):
and till this day like stillfeels like that void of him.
And so there's no manual on howeach of them are going to react
to anything, and I've evolvedas a parent, so situations that
I went through with my oldestthat I was very reactionary to,
I was too my first child.
(43:07):
Yeah, I didn't know any better.
I just knew that this was notokay.
And you're doing somethingthat's not okay and this is my
reaction to it.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
That's it.
Same situation five years laterwith my youngest, and I'm like,
all right, let me go and lether finish sleeping, let her
wake up.
I found a phone in her roomthat was not supposed to be
there and I went, I meditatedand I worked out and I got right
(43:40):
with me and then I had aconversation with her.
Right, he was full expectingthe reaction that I did with
that was what she was expecting,and she was so thrown off when
I was like so what do you thinkyour consequence should be?
With this and having aconversation with her, and he's
like oh my god, I don't knowwhat you're trying to tell, I
(44:00):
don't know what you want me totell you.
It might be what you're tryingto get from me with this.
I don't know and I was like,well, if you're not gonna put
any input, then I'll figuresomething out.
I could be creative, but I'mrequesting your input on it.
And so it was very interesting,and in that moment I looked at
(44:21):
myself and I was like, wow,maria, you have grown as a
parent.
Your children are getting atotally different version of you
and a more healed version ofyou, because it doesn't feel
like they're doing this to me,right, and it's like I'm
(44:46):
learning to evolve with justlearning as a parent.
This way didn't work, however, Ihave a beautiful relationship
with my oldest daughter now, andtwo years ago it was just
always fighting and before wentbefore she left, and then she
(45:07):
graduated and two days later sheleft my house and I all I told
her was I hope I'm just.
I just pray to God that youprove me and everyone else wrong
, right, because that means thatyou are ready and you and even
if you weren't, you'll figure itout.
And she's still not home.
(45:30):
So I told her it was like Ithink it was like two days ago.
I got the facebook memory of,like the heartbreaking post
about it and because I'm veryauthentic and very real.
So if I'm going throughsomething, my friends or the
people that follow me know thatI'm going through it and I try
(45:52):
to say listen, my life isn'tperfect.
I go through things, but you'regoing to always authentically
get me.
Exactly always authentically getme exactly.
And when I saw that Facebookmemory, I sent it to her and I
was like all I just want to sayis that I'm proud of you and we
have a great relationship.
She before she, couldn't evenlet me touch her, hug her,
(46:17):
anything like that's me and myyoungest.
I wasn't allowed and she could,she couldn't.
And now she calls me.
She's like mom, can you comeover?
I just need a hug.
And I'm like, yes, I'm runningthat way.
So it's beautiful, it'slearning, right, that things can
(46:37):
get better, that you can evolve, that they can see oh, mom was
right, life isn't easy.
This whole working thing andbills thing is not for the light
of heart.
And not today, and not intoday's economy Exactly, and
it's so funny how, when we healfrom so many things, so many
things, how we evolve and how wecan learn that.
(47:00):
Okay, maybe this wasn't.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
I wasn't the best, but I tried my best.
And that's the thing I alwayssay that I know that I gave my
children all that I had in me.
It still doesn't excuse thebehavior me.
It still doesn't excuse thebehavior.
It still doesn't excuse me nothealing 31 years ago.
Yeah, but I know that was allthat I had to give because so
much had been taken from me as achild.
You know what I mean.
I was a child having children.
Speaker 1 (47:33):
Yeah yeah, I told my daughter now because she's
engaged, and I was like she's 20years old.
I was like wait until you're 2525, you can get married, have
kids after that.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
Just wait, just because you're a child I had my
last one at 25 I did so like Iwas a child, bringing these
children, more children, intothe picture.
Right, I have three daughters.
I'm bringing more into thepicture.
Right, I have three daughters.
I'm bringing more into thepicture, and I did.
There was some resentmentactually between the eldest and
(48:06):
the two youngest, because theeldest always said that they
didn't go through what she wentthrough.
And while that's true, they hadit harder because for 11 years
of her life she had healthy,working mom.
She had mom who worked for theWhite House.
She got to walk through theWhite House when it was closed
(48:27):
to the entire world.
She had mom who could be atthis and at that function and
not living in pain.
They had post car wreck mom.
They had kidney failure mom.
They had epilepsy mom.
So my feelings are they had ita hell of a lot worse because
(48:48):
they were mini caretakers.
It was just the three of us formost of that time.
So our children, like you said,they're very different.
Mine is the youngest who, sinceshe was like 14 years old,
don't touch me, don't touch youbut I watched her hug my
boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, Iwatched her hug everybody else
(49:08):
and I remember seeing that andI'm like he's just my boyfriend,
I'm your mom.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
But it was almost like I was diseased.
One of my best friends isactually going through that with
her child and I told her.
A counselor once told me, maria, the reason that she is so hard
on you is because you are herunconditional.
You will always and forever bethe person that she knows, that
(49:37):
she could do whatever, and youwill still unconditionally love
her girl, that was just.
You just dropped a bomb becauseeven in today, where they hate
me and talk about me like a dog,you are still love them
unconditionally yeah, and whenshe said that, it made so much
(50:02):
sense to me because, aside fromthe fact that they have a great
father, he wasn't there all thetime, and when she would have
her episodes and I would call,he would be like, well, tell her
to call me when she's betterand like, at that point I don't
need you.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
I don't need you then when she calms down.
I need you now exactly so.
Speaker 1 (50:21):
I think that she took everything out on me because
she knew that, no matter what, Iwas always there, no matter
what she could pull my hair out,hit me, bite me, because we
went through it and still Iwould.
(50:41):
Still I love you and I willalways be here for you.
And I always showed up and I,like, I'd never abandoned her.
And that was her thoughtprocess of like, okay, no matter
what, mom will always be herefor me and mom will always love
me unconditionally, no matterwhat I do.
(51:03):
And that I think that's wheremy thought process started to
shift with okay, I'm going toallow her to have her space and
let her heal and her lovelanguage is physical touch my
oldest but she would notphysically touch me Right or
(51:25):
allow me to physically give hera hug or anything like that for
the longest time.
And it felt very off, because mymom's love language is not
physical touch, it's more actsof service.
My dad was like physical touch,that was the one that would hug
me and the kisses in themorning, that's where I got it
(51:46):
from.
Mine, like that's where Ithrive is a hug, a handhold,
whatever.
And so the fact that mydaughter's love language was the
same as mine and she was theclosest girl to me right female
and then my mom.
(52:07):
Even if we didn't have the samelove language, both of them
didn't hug me.
It then became like what'swrong with me?
Is it me, and that's what I hadto heal through and work
through myself, and why am I notworthy of their love?
And these are two veryimportant females in my life,
right, and so it plays such abig part in that psychologically
(52:34):
, but it's so beautiful to seethe relationship now, right,
right.
So hold on to that hope, mama,because we got a teeny bit of
hope.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
We got a teeny bit of hope, but, like I said, I
believe in reality too, and thereality of it is it's their
decision at the end of the daywhether they see me talking on
podcast or I don't send themanything that tells them like
what I'm doing.
I will send them a signed copyof the book, just because and
it's an anthology book, so mypart is small, but it sums up my
(53:14):
healing journey for the lasttwo and a half years, which is
where they've not been a part ofyou know what I mean, so
they'll be able to read mythoughts and see what it took
for me to get from mom who'sfreaking out because now she
doesn't have control and blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, to mom
who's like you know what.
(53:34):
They're grown women paying theirown bills.
They can make their owndecisions.
They have good judgment and itis what it is.
I own my CRA.
I just own it, and I will neverforce myself on my children
again.
I will never try to make themfeel bad on your mother.
So what?
You were toxic.
Yeah, period, you were toxic.
(53:56):
And again, in their eyes, Itried to take my life over a man
, not knowing.
No, and they also don't knowwhat was going on there.
My middle daughter was startingto catch on.
She was starting to catch on.
They think, oh, he's just anice guy, he's a fourth grade
teacher.
You know what I mean.
He's got this incredible sonand blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
(54:18):
.
What's wrong with with mom?
They don't know what I wentthrough in that house yeah they
still till this day don't know.
I don't think they know about mebeing pregnant at 15 by my dad.
I don't think I ever.
I do have epilepsy, so I dohave some memory lapse, but I
don't really think I ever sharedhow far it went.
(54:42):
They knew that I was abused,but I don't think I ever shared
with them just how far it went.
Yeah, so, whatever theirdecision is, I support them.
I did message my middle daughterthe other day and I said wow, I
saw she's a baker in Atlanta,she has her own business and I
was on Facebook.
I saw she's a baker in Atlanta,she has her own business and I
was on Facebook and I'm still anadministrator for her page.
(55:05):
So I was literally going inbecause I have my page, I have
my business page and I was justtrying to get the notifications
off and usually if I just clickit'll take me to the feed, not
her page.
So I was just trying to clickto get all the notifications
cleared and of course it showedthe event that she had done that
weekend and I sent her amessage and I said I'm really
(55:27):
proud of you, you look reallygood and I'm proud of you.
Just so she knew.
And it's not that I'm lurking orwatching or anything like that.
I do everything in my power toavoid knowing anything about
them.
I don't allow my sister to tellme anything, because I told her
they have my number.
They are my children, they havemy number and if they want to
share something with me, theyknow they still have access,
(55:50):
because anytime like when one ofthem lost the Costco card, she
sent me the text hey, I'm goingto switch the e-card over to my
phone so we can go to Costco.
You know what I mean.
We have very business-like text.
So if they can message me forthat, if they want to talk to me
, they can, and if or whenthey're ready, I'll be here.
(56:11):
But there's a difference in mom.
Now You're not going to bescreaming at me.
You're not going to be cussingat me because I'm not going to
do that to you.
We can come to the table likefour grown women and iron out
our differences.
I won't even pull the mother.
You don't even have to call memom at this point.
(56:33):
But we come with respect or wedon't come at all.
Yeah, and that's for me and forthem, because my eldest has a
habit of spewing nastyobscenities, yeah, towards me.
So I had to take a break fromher because it's like no, you're
not, I'm done with this.
I've kissed your butt for 15years.
I've tried to make ourrelationship work.
(56:55):
For 15 years.
I've tried to redo and undo andI'm tired of fighting.
I'm getting of fighting, I'mgetting sick.
She uses she does use mygrandbabies as a pawn.
So, even though I've never doneanything to the grandchildren,
anything they've ever called andasked me for it was in Cash App
30 seconds later.
I used to have every morning,every Friday morning, I would do
(57:18):
the Friday song, and youmentioned he lived in Atlanta.
So had you ever listened to theFriday song?
And you mentioned he lived inAtlanta?
So had you ever listened to theFriday song?
No, so it's this really cutesong and it says Friday.
It's Friday, is the end of theweek, it's the last day.
Yo, you say the person's name,it's on you what you gonna do.
And so I used to call and singthe Friday song with them every
Friday.
And I called one day and didn'trealize she had gone back to
(57:40):
work because she was out sickfor a little while and she tells
me I call my grandson Noodle.
She's like call Noodle's phone.
And then I realized, between myupgrades and me dropping my
phone, I had not only lostbusiness contacts, but I had
lost my grandchildren's numberstoo.
And I'm like I don't have thenumbers.
And she's like why can't youjust keep up with the numbers
(58:03):
like the other grandkids,grandparents?
I lost business contacts when Iwent to Atlanta.
I had to meet up with my friendto give me business contacts
back, because these phones justdo things sometimes.
The last numbers I would wantto lose would be my grandbabies,
but no access to them at all.
I was told that I didn't get aMother's Day text because I am
(58:25):
the sorriest excuse for a motheror grandparent that has ever
walked this earth.
And it was in that moment thatI took a deep breath and I said
you know what?
Thank you for your time, Iappreciate you talking to me
today and I hung up the phone.
What else is there to say afterthat?
You know what I mean, becausethe only thing that would have
(58:45):
been acceptable would have beengroveling and begging and giving
in.
And it was just when I hadstarted to love myself and it
was like I accept this as yourtruth about me.
Your truth about me it's notthat I accept that I was the
sorriest excuse, because I knowparents who are 10 million.
(59:06):
If you want me to be real,without me getting slapped by
this lady over here, my mom whenshe was alive, my mother was
the most beautiful woman in theworld.
She could put a smile onanyone's face, but my mom
shouldn't have had kids.
She should not have hadchildren and losing my pop pop
(59:26):
she was a daddy's girl, solosing my pop pop really
impacted her, and not in a goodway.
So they know that example.
They know about theirgrandmother.
They know about what I wasn'tprotected from maybe not as far
as the pregnancy, but they know,and I did everything in my
(59:47):
power to make sure those thingsthat happened to me as a child
didn't happen to them.
I did everything in my power togive them the experiences I
never had, like having their ownrooms and painting their rooms
and doing fun stuff like that,or me running up and down the
field despite I've got a backbrace on underneath my clothing
(01:00:07):
because I've only been out ofback surgery a couple of weeks,
but I'm running up and down thefield being the loudest parent.
That's my baby.
Yes, run, do it, because I hada.
My oldest was on the drum line,my middle child was section
leader for flute and piccolo inmarching band and my youngest
child was in color guard andthey my last two children
(01:00:28):
competed nationally and I wasalways trying to be the one that
was there.
You know what I mean, no matterhow much pain I was in, whether
I had a seizure that day or not,I did the best I could, but
this body sometimes just did notwant to act right, despite my
mind wanting to do differentthings.
So they have some growing up todo.
(01:00:49):
They've got to realize that I'ma human being, I'm one person.
And I remember the very lastconversation I had with my
middle child before everybodywent no contact.
She's like parents are supposedto help their kids and I said I
just filed bankruptcy, yet Ileft my car in Atlanta with you
(01:01:13):
and I commuted four hours a dayto a part time job here on the
train and for me it was likethat's all I had left to give.
I didn't own anything else.
I wasn't rich, I wasn't makinga lot of money, but I gave her
all that I had.
So they've got some growing upto do, but I'm just glad they're
(01:01:37):
together and hopefully at somepoint we can come back together
as respectful women not as momsand daughters at first and just
respect each other.
Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
Together.
I light white candles for themevery day.
Every day They've got a whitecandle burning in front of their
picture and I hug their photosand kiss them and tell them I
love you and you know, I knowyour Nana's protecting you, just
like she's protecting me.
I keep I don't know if you cansee sparkles back there Sparkles
(01:02:13):
.
My granddaughter bought mesparkles and told me that
sparkles has to stay wherever Ispend the most time.
So you see where I spend themost time, right.
Speaker 1 (01:02:25):
And.
Speaker 2 (01:02:25):
Sparkles is visible because I never want her.
If she does, grace YouTube, geton the wrong side of YouTube
one day and see her, Nana,she'll be like.
Nana kept Sparkles and then,whenever I'm wearing purple or
blue, I wear the Swarovskicrystal necklace that my noodle
got for me.
So I keep there's pictures ofmy kids all over the house.
(01:02:48):
There's pictures of mygrandkids all over the house.
I keep them with me and Iprotect them as I can while I'm
giving them their space andwhile I continue to evolve and
heal and share my story and helpothers, because I don't ever
want anyone to wake up and feelthe way I felt on March 19th
2022.
(01:03:09):
That's my thing.
I never want anyone to feelthat level of worthlessness.
I know I keep using that word,but that's the only word that
really describes itworthlessness that I felt on
march 19th 2022.
Speaker 1 (01:03:25):
So we're gonna keep so proud of just the evolution
of this healed version of you,because you had a lot to not to
to heal from, and and I've doneit a lot and, honestly,
sometimes that's the best way.
I agree that you can fullyembrace all parts.
(01:03:48):
I agree and be grateful for allparts, because there was the
anger, is the person, is thepart of you that that knows your
worth, and the sadness, andthey're all parts of you that
are worthy of their space, andthat's definitely something that
I've had to learn myself.
Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
So sometimes I had to learn how to love my darkness
and bring it into the light.
Yes, absolutely so.
Those things that thoseimperfections or faults or
whatever anybody wants to labelthem I love them.
I work on them daily.
If somebody points somethingout to me, then I'm hardest on
myself.
Speaker 1 (01:04:28):
Yeah, but I love me.
Speaker 2 (01:04:30):
Yeah, In all of this I found something inside of me
to love.
Speaker 1 (01:04:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:04:35):
That's beautiful.
It took 48 years, yeah, but Ifinally love me.
Speaker 1 (01:04:43):
I love that.
So what I want to hear reallyquickly about your mentorship
program, and then we can wrap upfrom there.
Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
Awesome.
I just created an 8 to 12 weekmentorship program.
It's called IntuitiveIllumination leading you through
your darkness into your light,and it's a combination of
different healing modalities,journaling and, of course, I'm
using Oracle and Tarot to bridgethe two worlds, because
sometimes a lot of people's painis the grief that comes with
(01:05:14):
not knowing the loved ones areright there with them.
So I just created that program.
Anybody can go on my websiteand book a consultation book, a
reading Dana's on there fortarot readings, because I'm
moving more into the coachingspace.
Just because of the energy Ican read tarot but it wipes me
out for a couple of days,usually followed by a seizure.
(01:05:37):
But that's what I'm doing now.
I've got free resources on mywebsite for those who may be
facing or in a covertnarcissistic relationship where
you're starting to question yoursanity.
I've got resources.
There's one upload that'salready there 15 traits that are
common to covert narcissism,and I've got domestic violence
(01:05:58):
awareness numbers on the lastpage.
I just created an ebook thismorning on how to create a safe
plan for you to leave someonewith narcissistic traits.
So that upload will be going upby the end of the week, which
is two days away after I edit itand make it pretty.
And yeah, I'm just out heretrying to bridge people from
(01:06:22):
their darkness so that theydon't have to do it all alone,
like I did.
Speaker 1 (01:06:26):
I love that.
I love that so much.
Thank you.
So I will put all of theinformation for that in the show
notes Listeners.
Wow, was I not telling you thatthis would be impactful?
I am so honored that you werehere today to just give us your
story and I'm so grateful.
I can't wait for the book tocome out.
(01:06:46):
We'll also put all theinformation as soon as we have
it.
And yeah, I'm so, so honored tohave met you and thank you so
much for jumping on today andlisteners, thank you for
listening to this incredible,incredible story of healing and
(01:07:07):
I hope you have all an amazingday.
Peace out, guys, love your life, bye.
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the Less Than 1% Chance.
Hey, hey, welcome back toAgainst All Odds the Less Than
(00:22):
1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte.
I am so pumped for this.
We had just like a 20 minuteconversation before I even
pressed record and I was like,oh my gosh, I'm so excited for
the listeners today.
So I meet Tawana Yvette.
She's an intuitive healer andpsychic with over 35 years of
(00:45):
dedicated service in thebusiness world, now gracefully
transitioning into a moreprofound spiritual space.
So I really don't even want togo into her story, because I
want this conversation to tellher story.
It is profound, it is just youwait because it is against all
(01:06):
odds and to see just theconfidence that that she exudes
now is beautiful.
So, hi, tawana, it's so good tohave you.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
I'm so excited for this, I'vegot chills.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Oh my gosh.
I'm way, way excited.
So give us a little bit ofbackground.
What is your against all oddsstory?
And, yeah, give us all the info.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
My against all odds story started in the womb where
my mother spiked 106 fever andhad to be rushed to the
emergency room.
My godmother tells the story ofhow the doctor came out and
said if we're able to save oneof them, chances are neither of
them are going to make it.
But if we can save one, whichone do you want?
(01:55):
And my godmother's like threefoot nothing.
And my biological father saysmy wife and my godmother climbs
on this doctor's neck and hetells him you'll save both.
So I think he was scared of her, as he should be.
And I was born three poundsfour ounces, which today is not
(02:15):
a big deal, but in the 70s itwas a whole different animal.
Um yeah, I spent three monthsin the incubator before I could
even come home.
My childhood I lived with mymother and my father until she
left him when I was about threeand she was with another man who
I call my daddy.
(02:36):
I was daddy's girl.
I had no idea this man wasn'tmy father until I was 10.
Wow, that's my daddy.
He protects me in spirit eventill today.
And I did get that seven yearperiod of being a daddy's girl.
My mother fell into a very deepdepression after losing her job
when I was 10.
(02:56):
And we moved to Seattle.
That was the greatest year ofmy childhood, like I got to be a
kid.
I got to run through the woods,I got to do all of these things
that this New York City girlhad never seen.
And she got into an even darkerspace and sent me to live with
my father, and that's trulywhere my nightmare began.
So your biological father.
(03:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
I call him father, I call my daddy daddy.
That's where the nightmarebegan.
He's a pedophile and I wasRAPED brutally for five years.
He threatened my mother whenshe moved back to New York from
Seattle because he worked forimmigration.
It was a church going man.
He's like I'll never give youcustody of her again unless you
(03:43):
marry me.
And so, despite me begging, mymother didn't.
She had no clue why I wasbegging for her not to marry him
.
She had no idea I hadn't toldanybody.
His girlfriend caught on to itand she left him.
She was like nope, I'm notstaying here for this, I've got
to go oh, oh, my gosh.
(04:04):
Yeah, it was quite intense.
And my mother, when she cameback to New York city, she was
in nursing school, so that wasnighttime.
She was gone at night.
Perfect opportunity for him.
Yeah, so from 10 to 15, Iendured these secrets.
I did try to tell my fifthgrade teacher she laughed at me.
What?
(04:26):
Yes?
Her and the guidance counselorlaughed and was like, ah, you're
an active kid with an activeimagination, nothing.
So your dad's a church goingman.
He works for immigration.
Ha ha, ha ha.
What do you want me to do?
Punch him.
And in my mind, my 10 year oldmind, I'm thinking yes, yes,
(04:51):
that's exactly what I want youto do.
So Antoinette Antisovsky, I'llnever forget her name.
She laughed and I don'tremember the guidance
counselor's name, but he laughedtoo.
So I shut down.
I didn't feel like anyone, Itold, would believe anything.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
When I was 15, I found out I was expecting my
father's child.
Oh my gosh, and that was tough,because even my friend who went
with me for the termination, Ilied to her and told her it was
my boyfriend's.
It wasn't my boyfriend's, itwas my father's child.
So the next day I told my momand my mom had just gotten a
(05:28):
very, very bad health diagnosis.
She had fallen into anotherdepression.
She couldn't nurse anymore.
Her health was.
It was bad, it was not good andshe couldn't handle it.
She didn't know which directionto go in.
I think in her mind I know inher mind she's like oh my God,
how do I support this child orwhatever.
(05:49):
But she's also going throughall these health challenges that
eventually did end her life.
No matter who I tell, nobodybelieves me.
I just started throwing stuffaround and she calls my sister
and my sister comes over andchecks me into the psychiatric
(06:10):
ward because I promised mysister that I would take my life
.
That night I made her a promisethat I would not stop until it
happened.
And so 30 days of evaluation ona psych ward.
They discharged me back home.
But my counselor gives me herbusiness card with her personal
phone number on it and said ifyou need me, call me.
(06:31):
So that first night home, like Ididn't sleep, I had my back up
against my bedroom door and myknees to my chest like this the
whole night, so he couldn't comein and bother me or I'd be able
to fight it.
I got up the next morning,acted like I was going to school
and called my counselor andsaid I can't do this, I can't do
(06:52):
this anymore.
And so they readmitted me inthe hospital just for a couple
of days, and I then became award of the state and spent four
years in group homes and NewYork City group homes are no
joke.
It's not loving and caring,Although I had a beautiful
(07:13):
counselor who's loving andcaring and we keep in touch
until this day.
But it's survival.
You're fighting.
You literally have to throwhands to prove yourself.
I had gotten beaten up so bad.
One night my sister andbrother-in-law had to come get
me until they could have metransferred.
So I decide well, I had aboyfriend at the time and wound
(07:34):
up expecting.
I was 17 and lost my collegescholarship, lost my modeling
contract to bring my daughterinto this world, because I
wanted love yeah.
I just wanted love and I knowthat's the worst reason in the
world to have a baby, but in myunderdeveloped mind yeah in my I
(07:58):
.
I stopped.
My emotional intelligence wasstunted at 15.
So I'm thinking like a 15 yearold.
I have my daughter and singlemom did out for a while and got
married and it's like every manthat I was with was a different
version of my father.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I kept meeting him in different bodies and went
through some things with her andmy mom, and my daughter was my
mother's heart.
And when we moved to Atlanta mymom just gave up.
She didn't want to live anymore.
My first child was her heart.
She did not want to be here.
So we found out she startedsneaking vodka and stuff in her
(08:41):
coffee and it would spike hersugar.
Eventually renal failure.
I did.
I made it back in enough time.
I got a phone call on my job.
They're taking mom off lifesupport tonight.
I'm in Atlanta.
I'm like, wait a minute.
You told me Saturday and mysister's like, yeah, but she
(09:03):
hasn't had brain waves in threedays day.
And my sister's like yeah, butshe hasn't had brain waves in
three days.
And so I got up from my deskand I went over to my boss and
I'm like I need a minute for mydesk to be covered.
I need a minute.
They're pulling my mom offtonight.
And she goes okay, go in theconference room, I'll be right.
She gives me a bottle of water,go, I'll be right there.
So she comes back about 10minutes later and she said
(09:23):
there's a ticket waiting for youat the Delta counter.
There's a limousine outside foryou.
Here's $200.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Go, oh my gosh, you've had some earthly angels.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
Yes, I do, I do and I have.
Yes, wow, kate was definitelyone of them.
So what was really funny was Iget to the hospital and you know
how the ICUs have those glasssliding doors, and I was working
for the president of First DataPOS at the time.
So I'm dressed in full suitwith heels and stuff like that,
(09:58):
because I didn't go home firstand my heels went click, click
and my mother opened her eyes.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Oh my gosh, I got chills.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
She knew it was me and I walked over to the side of
her bed and she's trying to getthe tube and I'm pulling her
hands down and I'm like, andshe's just crying, she's just
crying, she's just crying andI'm like, mommy, I forgive you,
I can't hate you, I love you.
When I sat there and talked toher I was like you got another
four month old littlegranddaughter and I'm just
(10:28):
telling her about the baby thatI just had and how she reminded
me of her, and telling her aboutmy oldest child.
I'm like she's in first gradenow and she's doing really good
and just talking to her.
But I said a prayer with her.
I said because I want yourspirit to be free when you cross
(10:49):
.
She knew they were taking heroff and the entire time she kept
her gaze on me until she flightland.
My siblings that she deliveredwere there.
He was there and she kept hereyes on me until so she was
still with him.
Yeah.
Wow Cause she had been sick forso long she wouldn't have had
health insurance.
(11:09):
Yeah, she wouldn't have had aplace to live.
Her social security at the timewas a couple of hundred dollars
a month.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
And that's where all that depression and confusion
and things came in, and so I lether know I wasn't mad at her, I
loved her, that's why I wasthere, and so I did get to say
goodbye.
I got to say goodbye.
Well, see you later I thought itwas goodbye, but I went through
two abusive marriages.
(11:38):
First one held me at gunpointfor three hours, begging for my
life, begging for my children'slives.
That was something I stillcan't.
When they take my temperatureat the doctor, I'm still not at
the place yet where they can putthe temperature gun right here.
I have to tell them always doit on the sides, because I
flashed back to having a ninemillimeter held at my head for
(12:00):
three hours.
I divorced him, of course, metsomebody else, thought he would
have been better.
He was abusive in a differentway the verbal and the allowing
his daughter to be the woman ofthe house versus me.
It was a lot.
But the real kicker I met in2020.
And, short of the sexualassault, he was my father.
(12:25):
He was sent to tear me topieces.
I thought here, I think I'mmaking a better decision.
He's a fourth grade teacher.
Years ago, I swallowed an entirebottle of sleeping pills with
(12:48):
hot coffee vinegar and went andlaid down in the woods and went
to sleep.
Oh, my gosh, I did not want tobe here.
I was done.
In fact, I remember thinkingthat, oh, I woke up and I'm gone
because I call it the void.
But while I was physicallyasleep, while whoever found me,
(13:11):
whoever was, whatever work theywere doing on me or whatever, my
mother and my stepdad werestanding at the edge of a forest
and my stepdad just keptlooking down.
Because I'm like, I'm finallywith you guys.
Thank you, I'm so glad to behere.
Nobody loves me on the otherside, nobody cares if I live or
nobody needs me, and my stepdadis going, boom, boom, no.
(13:34):
And I look at my mother and I'mlike mom, and she goes you have
to go back.
And I'm like mom, no.
And I remember pleading withher to just let me stay, to go
back.
And I'm like mom, no.
And I remember pleading withher to just let me stay.
And she goes baby, you haven'tfilled your purpose yet.
And I said I don't have apurpose, I was born without one.
And she goes actually, yourpurpose begins now.
And she takes her hands andpushes me and I wake up in the
(13:57):
hospital.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I have literal goosebumps all over my body.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Yes, and that's not something that's easy to heal
from.
They make you go throughmandatory therapy and things
like that.
But I had a best friend at thetime who had met a lady who does
RTT hypnotherapy and it's notsomething that's you cannot get
your certification easy for that, because you're tapping into
(14:23):
people's subconscious.
You cannot get yourcertification easy for that
because you're tapping intopeople's subconscious and
because it's rapid,transformational therapy,
they're digging a little deeperthan a regular hypnotherapist.
So she took me back to eachstage of my life and had me tell
that version of myself that Ilove it and I've got it from
here.
She took me back to being inthe womb and me choosing my
(14:49):
mother.
Why did you choose your mother?
I said because she's pretty andshe thinks nobody loves her and
I want her to know somebodyloves her.
That's what I remember fromthat session and in that session
it's recorded where my motherplaces her hands on my shoulders
and says I did not protect youwhen you were younger.
I will protect you fiercelyfrom this side and I'm
(15:11):
transferring my gifts to you.
And my shoulders were red andso of course I still had a year.
I was staying with my sisterhere in Virginia.
Her partner of 20-somethingyears had just passed and she's
like I think we need each other.
The truth is, she needed mebecause I'm the healer, and
healing at her house isimpossible, so she's one of
(15:34):
those people.
This is my house, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah and nobody
negates that or whatever whenyou're staying with someone else
, but it's like I moved here tohelp you too, because you've got
this six month old Cain Corso,who's crazy, and I'm the only
one who can control him.
So after I noticed my sister wasOK, I got my apartment and, man
(15:55):
, my mother's voice got loud.
I couldn't sleep.
It was undeniable.
I'm like I'm in the recliner,like, okay, have I finally just
lost it?
Have I finally just lost it?
Because I'm looking and I seethis woman and I'm hearing her.
Have I finally turned thatcorner?
And that wasn't the case at all.
(16:18):
She slowly introduced me to myancestral team and that's when I
learned my pop-up's here.
I knew my daddy was here andI've got four generations of
grandmothers who were allpsychic.
They were all psychic and peopleborn in the 1800s would have
been burned at the stake formentioning they had such a gift.
(16:39):
So they've all been waiting forme and they all come at
different times for differentreasons.
It got to the point where mymother, she's mentioning these
names and I'm like, okay, lady,who are these people?
I've never heard these names inmy life.
Like I was good.
Of course, my grandmother'sname, her mother's name, I knew,
but I'm like, okay, now we'regetting into some names.
(17:00):
I've never heard anybody say Idon't even know who you're
talking about Exactly.
And she's like I've never heardanybody say that I don't even
know who you're talking aboutExactly.
And she's like look up the nameJerusha.
And I'm like what?
And my mother's like you've gotthe thing, you've got the
Google.
Look up the name up and it'sfunny because it's the only
headstone picture in my lineageon family search and ancestry.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
My fourth great grandmother back and ancestry my
fourth great grandmother back.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yes, and I've lost a lot of people in my life, my
children, in my relationship isnot good right now, but when I
tell you I have never felt sogood.
I've never felt so good aboutsomething that I was doing.
I've never loved myself.
Yeah, like just to be able tosit in front of you and say I
(17:47):
love me, like don't cross myboundaries, because I love me
first.
That's foreign to me.
And so two years ago, a year anda half ago, I started telling
the family exactly how far theabuse went.
Now, my siblings that he hadbefore meeting my mother, they
(18:09):
all knew.
They all knew.
They knew the monster he wasand they literally surrounded me
in the group home with love.
They made sure I had passes,they made sure I had clothes,
they made sure that anytime Ididn't have to be in the group
home I wasn't.
They went through New York City, combed through all their
(18:30):
finances where they lived, andthey went through it all to be
there for me, including hisex-wife, who worked for defects
in Brooklyn, but I was placed inQueens but she made a phone
call to make sure I got into oneof the better group homes.
So that side of the familysurrounded me the siblings on my
(18:50):
mother's side, till this day.
When I told my brother two yearsago he goes, so there's proof
of this right.
What, what?
I literally that was literally.
My reaction was like what?
And I said of course there'sproof.
We had to go to court for me tobe.
I said we're from New York.
(19:12):
What money does New York Cityhave to take a child out of a
suburban apartment with twoparents?
This isn't like the.
Some of the southern stateswill remove kids for nothing.
New York city doesn't do that.
They don't have the money forit.
They're, they're crowded.
So it was then that I decidedthat I would never speak to my
brother again yeah and then myeldest sibling, who lives a few
(19:36):
miles from here.
She kept trying to make me feelbad because my dad spanked her
one time.
You got to go live with ouraunt and uncle on an Air Force
base and grow up like a normalperson.
You got a spanking, I got ababy.
So last year I cut her out ofmy life because it's like nope,
I don't need people like you inmy life.
(19:57):
If you're going to blame me forwhat you need, to go to him.
You find him in hell.
Find him.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Yeah.
And so is that the same sisterthat you stayed with?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
No, Okay, no, I never would stay in her house, no.
And my sister, who I stayedwith?
I never wanted to tell herbecause I never wanted my hurt
to become her hurt.
Yeah, because, even though mysister didn't realize, she
resented me her whole life.
I knew that she loved me in herway.
(20:29):
You know what I mean and Ididn't want her to feel that
pain, but she betrayed me sodeeply.
In November she had my childrenand grandchildren here for
Thanksgiving and I'm not incontact with my children or my
grandchildren.
Her, my children, theirrequests, they asked for space
(20:49):
and she's like's like.
Well, I'm just trying to getback to normal and I said to her
when were my kids ever includedin your Thanksgiving?
Normal, they've never spent oneThanksgiving at your house yeah
and that betrayal was so deepbut so necessary.
Because I remember I was sittinghere in the middle of the night
(21:10):
one night and normally I wouldnever text her before 7am.
It was three something and Ibelted out a text message
telling her you have resented meyour whole life.
I can't blame you because momthrew me on you sometimes
there's eight years between us,I said but you have contributed
to me hating myself more thananybody in this family.
(21:31):
I do not see myself as worthyof anything because of you and I
have tried to live up to yourstandards.
And I said to her I even triedto relieve this family of me and
it didn't work.
I said so while you guys areliving your best life, I'm
getting seizures and medicaldiagnosis after medical
diagnosis.
I'm getting seizures andmedical diagnosis after medical
(21:52):
diagnosis.
I'm done.
I said I am done.
This family secrets are done.
I am going to share them withthe world and I really don't
care.
And I gave her an option youcan be part of my life and be
respectful, or you could be likeeverybody else.
And I said to her once mychildren went no contact,
everybody's expendable.
(22:12):
Because if I can wake up everyday and try to find a reason to
live without my hearts, then youguys mean nothing.
And our relationship has changeddrastically.
She notices it.
We used to hang out everyweekend.
We used to call each otherevery couple of days.
She would call me every daywhen she was walking with
(22:33):
lunchtime or whatever, and Ipulled my energy completely back
.
So we see each other maybe oncea month.
Now we text each other maybetwice a week.
It's changed dramaticallybecause that betrayal was just
way too deep.
I had to look at my children'slocation two miles from my house
.
It was too deep Like.
(22:56):
I forgive her, but she's nolonger in the box she used to be
in.
You know what I mean.
She's now on the outside box.
When we speak, I don't tell heranything I'm doing.
She knows that I'll be apublished author this year, but
she has no idea what I'm writingabout Nothing.
She doesn't know about thepodcast.
(23:16):
She knows about nothing.
When we're together, I let hertalk.
She was the last person I hadto stand up for to start
believing in myself and settingboundaries stories, and since
then I've been sharing my story.
I even received a message lastweek and I get emotional from a
man who said I was going to takemy life and I saw you on a
(23:42):
podcast and I've decided to stay, and so when you hear things
like that, it makes thisoccasional loneliness worth it,
because that's how you knowyou're living in your full
purpose, when you're touchingpeople's hearts and guiding them
(24:05):
along and holding their hands.
That's how you're living indivine purpose, absolutely.
And so there's always a partyhere in my living room every
night.
They let me sleep more now, butI still don't get sleep at
night like normal people,because you know that's when
their energies can be thestrongest, because there's not
(24:26):
so much noise and stuff around.
My mother's always on my rightside, always.
She never leaves my right sideand if she does, it usually
means something's wrong with oneof the girls, because I left
her urn at their house One ofthose little intentional
accidents so that she had aconnection to be there with them
(24:46):
as well.
But I wouldn't trade my lifefor the world right now.
I would love if my childrenwere in it, but I had a lot of
healing to do and they don'tknow what healed mom looks like.
You know what I mean.
They don't know what healthymom looks like.
They know what traumatized momlooks like, and they've got some
(25:06):
healing to do.
But I learned recently that atleast they're all together now.
My daughter, my eldest child,used to live in California.
I found out her and thegrandbabies moved back to
Atlanta.
So it does my heart goodbecause I always raise them.
You guys have to be there foreach other, because when I'm
gone you only have each other.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Yeah, it's that all the time.
These are the people that aregoing to be here, no matter what
.
Forever gets that all the time.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
These are the people that are going to be here, no
matter what, forever, exactly.
So while it hurts my heartsometimes, it makes my heart
full in the same sentence thatthey're together.
They're not fighting each otherlike they used to.
They are together, so I'mreally grateful for that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Yeah, and I feel like sometimes we have to figure out
how life happened for us andnot to us.
I just feel like all of thosemoments just felt like the dark
time that you were going throughneeded to happen in order for
you to get to this beautifulhealed, and always healing,
(26:11):
because I feel like we're alwaysevolving this beautiful, healed
self and come to peace with alot of the things and understand
that like when there's dis easein the body it creates disease
and a lot of the things thatmaybe your mom, that guilt that
(26:32):
caused additional issues in herbody, that, unfortunately, when
you don't heal from those things, they eat you alive.
They literally eat you alive,literally eat you alive.
And that's hard to understand,especially when you're in the
muck of it and everything ishappening and you're like, oh my
(26:58):
God, why is this happening tome?
And I've found myself manytimes in those situations where
I'm like wait, like if I'vealready survived my worst day,
that means that there's apurpose.
So where can I find theblessings in this?
And then I start naming thethings that have come from it
and like the blessings that this.
And then I start naming thethings that have come from it
and like the blessings that havecome from.
I was sexually assaulted at 16as well, and from that I stayed
(27:21):
quiet, didn't say anything toanybody.
And by the time I was 18 andgot my first well woman checkup,
I had cervical cancer and itcame back at 19.
And it caused depression and Ifinally spoke up and said
something about it and I wasalso told at the same time that
I was like gonna deal withinfertility.
(27:41):
So I got married and it wasjust like this little by little
chipping away or things thathappened that I could have
continued to spiral down andwhen I was finally 32 years old
that I had the cancer come backtwice that year and I decided
(28:03):
that no, I needed to get healthy.
I was a single mom of three kids.
I needed to do something for mylife to switch that and I
started to learn about personalgrowth and personal development
and healing modality, likedifferent healing modalities.
I remember declaring 2018 theyear of me and I got certified
(28:27):
in Reiki one and Reiki two lateron, and things that I was like
I got into coaching programs.
I was just like I'm going to doanything and everything to put
my oxygen mask on first and takecare of me first, because if I
can't do that, then I can't behere for anybody else.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
And little by little, I've seen this evolved, healed
version of myself and I'm like,I'm so grateful.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Doesn't it keep you in awe sometimes?
Wow, this is really me, this isreally my life, this really
happened.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
I really did the thing.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
I really did that thing, I really did it.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, it's mind boggling,
it really is.
And when we have the moment tolike close our eyes and take a
deep breath and understand thatwe've already survived our worst
day and we are still here,there's a greater purpose for
our life.
Exactly, exactly.
(29:57):
It's just become, like myyoungest daughter's, hard to
deal with the fact that youfractured your foot and your, or
your ankle and your knee, andthen we found out that she has a
herniated disc, that it's goingto follow her for the rest of
her life.
And I said I'm still sograteful that you're here and
(30:20):
you've already survived yourworst day.
Was this a really tough year?
Absolutely, and mentally andemotionally and physically?
Yes, absolutely, but this hasalso shown you how strong you
actually are.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
And things that you I love.
That.
That's the part about it I lovewhen you look back and you're
like I survived, I'm strong,like how did I get through that?
When I don't try to make itlook pretty.
There were nights where I wassitting on the floor like this,
like I don't know if I'm goingto make it.
Guys, I don't know if I'm goingto make it, but I've made it,
(30:56):
yeah.
And like you said, healing is,it's continuous.
We never stop healing.
You know, as long as we're inthis realm, we never stop
healing.
But healing from those majorthings that hurt my children and
that affected their lives yeah,that's done and that I'm proud
of and I just let them be.
I just let them be.
(31:17):
They need some time.
I let them be Because, in theireyes, I tried to take my life
over a man, whereas it wasn'tthat I tried to take my life
over him.
It was 47 years of fighting formy life from the time I was in
the womb and I was just tired.
(31:37):
He was just icing on the cake.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
It would have happened.
He was the straw that broke thecamel's back.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
Exactly yes, he was just that it would have happened
later anyway, because I wasalways giving, I was always
running here and doing this anddoing that and never really I
remember things I would say yesto.
And I'm screaming on the insideI don't want to do this.
No, I don't want to do this,but I didn't have boundaries.
(32:05):
Yeah, I had no boundaries.
So I try to cross my boundariesnow and the only thing I tell
people is this won't end wellfor you.
I had no boundaries, so try tocross my boundaries now.
And the only thing I tellpeople is this won't end well
for you, I'll be fine.
This won't end well for youthough.
Yeah, absolutely, because afteryou learn what a healthy
boundary is healthy ones, notthe ones that keep us safe in
(32:26):
our little cocoons healthyboundaries Like, I don't
over-explain myself anymore whenI say no, that's it, it's not
no because it's no.
I don't take disrespect anymore.
You're not going to talk to meon a phone that I pay for
disrespectfully, I release youwith love and I live in my own
world.
I don't ask anybody foranything.
(32:47):
I've got maybe three friendsleft, but you know what anybody
for anything.
I've got maybe three friendsleft, but you know what?
I know they're troopers.
I know they're troopers.
I know they would never turntheir backs on me and I know
they were there for the thick ofit.
They were there when I wasgoing through the worst of it.
Two of my friends have theAlexa drop-in.
They have that feature becausethere were nights.
(33:09):
They were concerned and I wouldtell them I'm not going to do
anything, but just to put theirmind at ease, I was like here
you can talk through my houseall you want.
I'm going to hear it, no matterwhat room I'm in.
Yeah, I learned I could livealone because since I had my
daughter in high school.
I've never lived alone, yeah,and I learned I'm creative.
(33:30):
I've never lived alone, yeah,and I learned I'm creative.
I did not know that.
I liked to redo furniture anddo all those DIY projects.
Like, I have a whole flowerwall, a whole living wall in my
apartment.
It was my first project.
I've learned so much about me.
Speaker 1 (33:47):
Isn't that the most amazing thing?
Rediscovering who the heck youeven are, because you, for the
whole of your life, you were inthis protective mode.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Survival.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Survival, and it's like the fight or flight mode
and for so long and you didn'tknow anything else and you
didn't know that, like you hadso much in you and so, yeah, you
rediscover who the heck you areand it's such a beautiful, I
(34:22):
say I honestly say I discoveredwho I am because I never knew
who I was to begin with my voice.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
When they did hypnosis therapy on me when I
was 26, every session was ahypnosis session and at the end
my therapist said he startedtouching you when you were two,
so I never knew who I was.
I was silenced as a toddlerbefore I was even out of diapers
(34:51):
.
Now everyone knows.
I don't care.
I'm sure at some point thecousins and the aunts will have
something to say about it.
And it's you.
Grew up with him, you shouldknow.
Yeah, but I feel free.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Yeah, it's this like weight off of your shoulders,
off of your life, your chest Ilost weight.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
I lost physical weight life your chest I lost
weight.
I lost physical weight.
Yeah, that happens.
I no longer had to be this forthis person, this for this
person, this for this person,but never for me.
When I remember a few timessaying what about me?
And my kids would say thingslike don't make everything about
you and it wasn't that I wastrying to make everything about
(35:33):
me, but I wanted something to beabout me right.
Anything, anything, yeah.
So, and don't get me wrong, I'mproud of them.
They are three remarkable womenand I say in every podcast they
are so brave to have stood upto me as their only parent for
(35:55):
my two youngest children, myoldest daughter's father's in
her life.
But to stand up to your onlyparent and say, enough, I can't
take anymore, enough, my God.
Like my children, they don'tknow.
They're my heroes.
Yeah, that's beautiful.
(36:16):
One day they will.
One day, hey, I'm all over theinternet now, so they're bound
to see something.
That's, if my grandkids aren'ton youtube one day, like, hey,
there's nana, but they're myheroes.
They are everything I never was.
They were everything that Icould never be in those years.
So I applaud them for takingthe stance.
Speaker 1 (36:41):
They are the strong women that you portrayed
yourself to be in front of them,so that they were shielded from
a lot.
Speaker 2 (36:49):
I would imagine.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
Yes, very true, very true.
Because if it's to the pointthat they think that you try to
take your own life for a man,that means that you probably
shielded them first from so muchI did, and you were such a
strong idol in their eyes thatthey were like who is this?
(37:13):
This is not what I'm used to.
So I think that one day they'lland I think people just need
time, and the fact that you'regiving it to them is beautiful
in itself.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
I'm not one of those Gen X parents who are going to
be out here saying I'm yourmother, you're supposed to know
I made mistakes, you weretraumatized behind my mistakes.
It doesn't matter the why,right?
It doesn't matter that myemotional intelligence at the
time was that of a 16 year old.
They don't care about that.
They care about this stillhappened to me.
(37:48):
This is still my truth, and soI don't take their truth from
them.
Their truth is their truth.
I'm never going to take thatfrom them.
Whatever they feel I was or wasnot is their truth and I receive
it and I accept it and I acceptwhat comes with it.
I have to be accountable for it.
So that means, if they comeback into my life, my God, great
(38:10):
right.
It would be beautiful.
But if they don't, that's theirchoice, because that was their
truth and I think a lot of usparents, because a lot of us are
going through this now I foundout.
A lot of us parents need to sitback and take accountability
and not oh well, when I was yourage, my parents didn't know
where I was from 7 am to 10 pm.
(38:32):
At least I track your phone.
No, that doesn't matter, theydon't know that era, they've
never lived in that era.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
I feel like even like I've even evolved very much as
a parent from my oldest daughterto my youngest daughter.
So my oldest is 20 and myyoungest is 15 and my son in the
middle of that is 18.
And I feel like I'm a veryvastly different parent to my 15
(38:59):
year old than I was to my 20year old.
But they don't come with amanual and I was doing the best
that I could.
And that's, I think, where weas children don't understand.
So when I look back and I thinkthat you saw this within your
mom as well when you look backand you're like that wasn't who
(39:23):
I needed you to show up, to belike, so we find this resentment
and then we figure out whenwe're parents.
We figure out that, holy heck,they didn't even have a clue
what they were doing.
They were doing the best.
Because I doubt that they wakeup and like how can I make this?
(39:46):
No manual?
That comes with this with eachchild, because my kids are all
different, so different, sodifferent.
When my ex-boyfriend passed awayat the time we weren't together
, but we were still best friendsand he had been in my kid's
life for six years and that wastheir stepdad for the longest
(40:07):
time and I remember he actuallylived in Atlanta at the time and
two weeks before he passed awayhe FaceTimed us and he's like I
miss you guys.
And they were so excited theygot to tell him all the things,
get him up to date witheverything that was happening in
their life.
And when they handed the phoneback to me he was in tears
(40:27):
because he's like I just missyou guys so much and I'm like
well, you know that you alwayshave an open door and so in my
mind, and I think in their mind,that was who I was going to
grow old with, right?
So it didn't matter that weweren't together at the moment,
it was totally fine.
And then two weeks later I getthat call that he had a massive
(40:50):
heart attack.
Well, we didn't even know thathe just passed away.
It felt like my whole blueprintwas gone, like what the heck is
my life gonna look like now andhow everything it just it felt
like the most devastating thing.
How do you tell three littlekids that someone that they love
(41:16):
and adore so much, that theyjust talked to, is no longer
here?
Love and adore so much, thatthey just talked to is no longer
here, and it was unexpected.
Right, he was 35 years old andgot a massive heart attack.
It just doesn't make sense itdoesn't make sense right so, and
he was healthy.
He worked out like all of thesethings that would not indicate
that this was going to happen.
(41:36):
And so I tell each of themindividually.
And all three of them had very,very different reactions and
all three of them grieved verydifferently.
One was like completely shutdown, no emotions at all, and
that was my oldest and I wassuper shocked because she was
(42:00):
super close to him and latershe's like mom.
I still see him and I was likewhat fully blew my mind.
And then my son cried and wasso hurt.
And then his way of grieving isby remembering.
Do you remember when daddyEspan did this?
Do you remember when we didthis with daddy?
That was his way of grieving isby remembering.
Do you remember when DaddyEspan did this?
(42:21):
Do you remember when we didthis with Daddy?
Speaker 2 (42:23):
Espan.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
That was his way.
So I was grieving the loss ofwhat I thought was the love of
my life and I think still tothis day, one of the greatest
loves of my life.
And then the little onecompletely collapsed Because to
her she had him since she wasthree Right, and she collapsed
(42:45):
and till this day like stillfeels like that void of him.
And so there's no manual on howeach of them are going to react
to anything, and I've evolvedas a parent, so situations that
I went through with my oldestthat I was very reactionary to,
I was too my first child.
(43:07):
Yeah, I didn't know any better.
I just knew that this was notokay.
And you're doing somethingthat's not okay and this is my
reaction to it.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
That's it.
Same situation five years laterwith my youngest, and I'm like,
all right, let me go and lether finish sleeping, let her
wake up.
I found a phone in her roomthat was not supposed to be
there and I went, I meditatedand I worked out and I got right
(43:40):
with me and then I had aconversation with her.
Right, he was full expectingthe reaction that I did with
that was what she was expecting,and she was so thrown off when
I was like so what do you thinkyour consequence should be?
With this and having aconversation with her, and he's
like oh my god, I don't knowwhat you're trying to tell, I
(44:00):
don't know what you want me totell you.
It might be what you're tryingto get from me with this.
I don't know and I was like,well, if you're not gonna put
any input, then I'll figuresomething out.
I could be creative, but I'mrequesting your input on it.
And so it was very interesting,and in that moment I looked at
(44:21):
myself and I was like, wow,maria, you have grown as a
parent.
Your children are getting atotally different version of you
and a more healed version ofyou, because it doesn't feel
like they're doing this to me,right, and it's like I'm
(44:46):
learning to evolve with justlearning as a parent.
This way didn't work, however, Ihave a beautiful relationship
with my oldest daughter now, andtwo years ago it was just
always fighting and before wentbefore she left, and then she
(45:07):
graduated and two days later sheleft my house and I all I told
her was I hope I'm just.
I just pray to God that youprove me and everyone else wrong
, right, because that means thatyou are ready and you and even
if you weren't, you'll figure itout.
And she's still not home.
(45:30):
So I told her it was like Ithink it was like two days ago.
I got the facebook memory of,like the heartbreaking post
about it and because I'm veryauthentic and very real.
So if I'm going throughsomething, my friends or the
people that follow me know thatI'm going through it and I try
(45:52):
to say listen, my life isn'tperfect.
I go through things, but you'regoing to always authentically
get me.
Exactly always authentically getme exactly.
And when I saw that Facebookmemory, I sent it to her and I
was like all I just want to sayis that I'm proud of you and we
have a great relationship.
She before she, couldn't evenlet me touch her, hug her,
(46:17):
anything like that's me and myyoungest.
I wasn't allowed and she could,she couldn't.
And now she calls me.
She's like mom, can you comeover?
I just need a hug.
And I'm like, yes, I'm runningthat way.
So it's beautiful, it'slearning, right, that things can
(46:37):
get better, that you can evolve, that they can see oh, mom was
right, life isn't easy.
This whole working thing andbills thing is not for the light
of heart.
And not today, and not intoday's economy Exactly, and
it's so funny how, when we healfrom so many things, so many
things, how we evolve and how wecan learn that.
(47:00):
Okay, maybe this wasn't.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
I wasn't the best, but I tried my best.
And that's the thing I alwayssay that I know that I gave my
children all that I had in me.
It still doesn't excuse thebehavior me.
It still doesn't excuse thebehavior.
It still doesn't excuse me nothealing 31 years ago.
Yeah, but I know that was allthat I had to give because so
much had been taken from me as achild.
You know what I mean.
I was a child having children.
Speaker 1 (47:33):
Yeah yeah, I told my daughter now because she's
engaged, and I was like she's 20years old.
I was like wait until you're 2525, you can get married, have
kids after that.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
Just wait, just because you're a child I had my
last one at 25 I did so like Iwas a child, bringing these
children, more children, intothe picture.
Right, I have three daughters.
I'm bringing more into thepicture.
Right, I have three daughters.
I'm bringing more into thepicture, and I did.
There was some resentmentactually between the eldest and
(48:06):
the two youngest, because theeldest always said that they
didn't go through what she wentthrough.
And while that's true, they hadit harder because for 11 years
of her life she had healthy,working mom.
She had mom who worked for theWhite House.
She got to walk through theWhite House when it was closed
(48:27):
to the entire world.
She had mom who could be atthis and at that function and
not living in pain.
They had post car wreck mom.
They had kidney failure mom.
They had epilepsy mom.
So my feelings are they had ita hell of a lot worse because
(48:48):
they were mini caretakers.
It was just the three of us formost of that time.
So our children, like you said,they're very different.
Mine is the youngest who, sinceshe was like 14 years old,
don't touch me, don't touch youbut I watched her hug my
boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, Iwatched her hug everybody else
(49:08):
and I remember seeing that andI'm like he's just my boyfriend,
I'm your mom.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
But it was almost like I was diseased.
One of my best friends isactually going through that with
her child and I told her.
A counselor once told me, maria, the reason that she is so hard
on you is because you are herunconditional.
You will always and forever bethe person that she knows, that
(49:37):
she could do whatever, and youwill still unconditionally love
her girl, that was just.
You just dropped a bomb becauseeven in today, where they hate
me and talk about me like a dog,you are still love them
unconditionally yeah, and whenshe said that, it made so much
(50:02):
sense to me because, aside fromthe fact that they have a great
father, he wasn't there all thetime, and when she would have
her episodes and I would call,he would be like, well, tell her
to call me when she's betterand like, at that point I don't
need you.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
I don't need you then when she calms down.
I need you now exactly so.
Speaker 1 (50:21):
I think that she took everything out on me because
she knew that, no matter what, Iwas always there, no matter
what she could pull my hair out,hit me, bite me, because we
went through it and still Iwould.
(50:41):
Still I love you and I willalways be here for you.
And I always showed up and I,like, I'd never abandoned her.
And that was her thoughtprocess of like, okay, no matter
what, mom will always be herefor me and mom will always love
me unconditionally, no matterwhat I do.
(51:03):
And that I think that's wheremy thought process started to
shift with okay, I'm going toallow her to have her space and
let her heal and her lovelanguage is physical touch my
oldest but she would notphysically touch me Right or
(51:25):
allow me to physically give hera hug or anything like that for
the longest time.
And it felt very off, because mymom's love language is not
physical touch, it's more actsof service.
My dad was like physical touch,that was the one that would hug
me and the kisses in themorning, that's where I got it
(51:46):
from.
Mine, like that's where Ithrive is a hug, a handhold,
whatever.
And so the fact that mydaughter's love language was the
same as mine and she was theclosest girl to me right female
and then my mom.
(52:07):
Even if we didn't have the samelove language, both of them
didn't hug me.
It then became like what'swrong with me?
Is it me, and that's what I hadto heal through and work
through myself, and why am I notworthy of their love?
And these are two veryimportant females in my life,
right, and so it plays such abig part in that psychologically
(52:34):
, but it's so beautiful to seethe relationship now, right,
right.
So hold on to that hope, mama,because we got a teeny bit of
hope.
Speaker 2 (52:49):
We got a teeny bit of hope, but, like I said, I
believe in reality too, and thereality of it is it's their
decision at the end of the daywhether they see me talking on
podcast or I don't send themanything that tells them like
what I'm doing.
I will send them a signed copyof the book, just because and
it's an anthology book, so mypart is small, but it sums up my
(53:14):
healing journey for the lasttwo and a half years, which is
where they've not been a part ofyou know what I mean, so
they'll be able to read mythoughts and see what it took
for me to get from mom who'sfreaking out because now she
doesn't have control and blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, to mom
who's like you know what.
(53:34):
They're grown women paying theirown bills.
They can make their owndecisions.
They have good judgment and itis what it is.
I own my CRA.
I just own it, and I will neverforce myself on my children
again.
I will never try to make themfeel bad on your mother.
So what?
You were toxic.
Yeah, period, you were toxic.
(53:56):
And again, in their eyes, Itried to take my life over a man
, not knowing.
No, and they also don't knowwhat was going on there.
My middle daughter was startingto catch on.
She was starting to catch on.
They think, oh, he's just anice guy, he's a fourth grade
teacher.
You know what I mean.
He's got this incredible sonand blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
(54:18):
.
What's wrong with with mom?
They don't know what I wentthrough in that house yeah they
still till this day don't know.
I don't think they know about mebeing pregnant at 15 by my dad.
I don't think I ever.
I do have epilepsy, so I dohave some memory lapse, but I
don't really think I ever sharedhow far it went.
(54:42):
They knew that I was abused,but I don't think I ever shared
with them just how far it went.
Yeah, so, whatever theirdecision is, I support them.
I did message my middle daughterthe other day and I said wow, I
saw she's a baker in Atlanta,she has her own business and I
was on Facebook.
I saw she's a baker in Atlanta,she has her own business and I
was on Facebook and I'm still anadministrator for her page.
(55:05):
So I was literally going inbecause I have my page, I have
my business page and I was justtrying to get the notifications
off and usually if I just clickit'll take me to the feed, not
her page.
So I was just trying to clickto get all the notifications
cleared and of course it showedthe event that she had done that
weekend and I sent her amessage and I said I'm really
(55:27):
proud of you, you look reallygood and I'm proud of you.
Just so she knew.
And it's not that I'm lurking orwatching or anything like that.
I do everything in my power toavoid knowing anything about
them.
I don't allow my sister to tellme anything, because I told her
they have my number.
They are my children, they havemy number and if they want to
share something with me, theyknow they still have access,
(55:50):
because anytime like when one ofthem lost the Costco card, she
sent me the text hey, I'm goingto switch the e-card over to my
phone so we can go to Costco.
You know what I mean.
We have very business-like text.
So if they can message me forthat, if they want to talk to me
, they can, and if or whenthey're ready, I'll be here.
(56:11):
But there's a difference in mom.
Now You're not going to bescreaming at me.
You're not going to be cussingat me because I'm not going to
do that to you.
We can come to the table likefour grown women and iron out
our differences.
I won't even pull the mother.
You don't even have to call memom at this point.
(56:33):
But we come with respect or wedon't come at all.
Yeah, and that's for me and forthem, because my eldest has a
habit of spewing nastyobscenities, yeah, towards me.
So I had to take a break fromher because it's like no, you're
not, I'm done with this.
I've kissed your butt for 15years.
I've tried to make ourrelationship work.
(56:55):
For 15 years.
I've tried to redo and undo andI'm tired of fighting.
I'm getting of fighting, I'mgetting sick.
She uses she does use mygrandbabies as a pawn.
So, even though I've never doneanything to the grandchildren,
anything they've ever called andasked me for it was in Cash App
30 seconds later.
I used to have every morning,every Friday morning, I would do
(57:18):
the Friday song, and youmentioned he lived in Atlanta.
So had you ever listened to theFriday song?
And you mentioned he lived inAtlanta?
So had you ever listened to theFriday song?
No, so it's this really cutesong and it says Friday.
It's Friday, is the end of theweek, it's the last day.
Yo, you say the person's name,it's on you what you gonna do.
And so I used to call and singthe Friday song with them every
Friday.
And I called one day and didn'trealize she had gone back to
(57:40):
work because she was out sickfor a little while and she tells
me I call my grandson Noodle.
She's like call Noodle's phone.
And then I realized, between myupgrades and me dropping my
phone, I had not only lostbusiness contacts, but I had
lost my grandchildren's numberstoo.
And I'm like I don't have thenumbers.
And she's like why can't youjust keep up with the numbers
(58:03):
like the other grandkids,grandparents?
I lost business contacts when Iwent to Atlanta.
I had to meet up with my friendto give me business contacts
back, because these phones justdo things sometimes.
The last numbers I would wantto lose would be my grandbabies,
but no access to them at all.
I was told that I didn't get aMother's Day text because I am
(58:25):
the sorriest excuse for a motheror grandparent that has ever
walked this earth.
And it was in that moment thatI took a deep breath and I said
you know what?
Thank you for your time, Iappreciate you talking to me
today and I hung up the phone.
What else is there to say afterthat?
You know what I mean, becausethe only thing that would have
(58:45):
been acceptable would have beengroveling and begging and giving
in.
And it was just when I hadstarted to love myself and it
was like I accept this as yourtruth about me.
Your truth about me it's notthat I accept that I was the
sorriest excuse, because I knowparents who are 10 million.
(59:06):
If you want me to be real,without me getting slapped by
this lady over here, my mom whenshe was alive, my mother was
the most beautiful woman in theworld.
She could put a smile onanyone's face, but my mom
shouldn't have had kids.
She should not have hadchildren and losing my pop pop
(59:26):
she was a daddy's girl, solosing my pop pop really
impacted her, and not in a goodway.
So they know that example.
They know about theirgrandmother.
They know about what I wasn'tprotected from maybe not as far
as the pregnancy, but they know,and I did everything in my
(59:47):
power to make sure those thingsthat happened to me as a child
didn't happen to them.
I did everything in my power togive them the experiences I
never had, like having their ownrooms and painting their rooms
and doing fun stuff like that,or me running up and down the
field despite I've got a backbrace on underneath my clothing
(01:00:07):
because I've only been out ofback surgery a couple of weeks,
but I'm running up and down thefield being the loudest parent.
That's my baby.
Yes, run, do it, because I hada.
My oldest was on the drum line,my middle child was section
leader for flute and piccolo inmarching band and my youngest
child was in color guard andthey my last two children
(01:00:28):
competed nationally and I wasalways trying to be the one that
was there.
You know what I mean, no matterhow much pain I was in, whether
I had a seizure that day or not,I did the best I could, but
this body sometimes just did notwant to act right, despite my
mind wanting to do differentthings.
So they have some growing up todo.
(01:00:49):
They've got to realize that I'ma human being, I'm one person.
And I remember the very lastconversation I had with my
middle child before everybodywent no contact.
She's like parents are supposedto help their kids and I said I
just filed bankruptcy, yet Ileft my car in Atlanta with you
(01:01:13):
and I commuted four hours a dayto a part time job here on the
train and for me it was likethat's all I had left to give.
I didn't own anything else.
I wasn't rich, I wasn't makinga lot of money, but I gave her
all that I had.
So they've got some growing upto do, but I'm just glad they're
(01:01:37):
together and hopefully at somepoint we can come back together
as respectful women not as momsand daughters at first and just
respect each other.
Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:01:49):
Together.
I light white candles for themevery day.
Every day They've got a whitecandle burning in front of their
picture and I hug their photosand kiss them and tell them I
love you and you know, I knowyour Nana's protecting you, just
like she's protecting me.
I keep I don't know if you cansee sparkles back there Sparkles
(01:02:13):
.
My granddaughter bought mesparkles and told me that
sparkles has to stay wherever Ispend the most time.
So you see where I spend themost time, right.
Speaker 1 (01:02:25):
And.
Speaker 2 (01:02:25):
Sparkles is visible because I never want her.
If she does, grace YouTube, geton the wrong side of YouTube
one day and see her, Nana,she'll be like.
Nana kept Sparkles and then,whenever I'm wearing purple or
blue, I wear the Swarovskicrystal necklace that my noodle
got for me.
So I keep there's pictures ofmy kids all over the house.
(01:02:48):
There's pictures of mygrandkids all over the house.
I keep them with me and Iprotect them as I can while I'm
giving them their space andwhile I continue to evolve and
heal and share my story and helpothers, because I don't ever
want anyone to wake up and feelthe way I felt on March 19th
2022.
(01:03:09):
That's my thing.
I never want anyone to feelthat level of worthlessness.
I know I keep using that word,but that's the only word that
really describes itworthlessness that I felt on
march 19th 2022.
Speaker 1 (01:03:25):
So we're gonna keep so proud of just the evolution
of this healed version of you,because you had a lot to not to
to heal from, and and I've doneit a lot and, honestly,
sometimes that's the best way.
I agree that you can fullyembrace all parts.
(01:03:48):
I agree and be grateful for allparts, because there was the
anger, is the person, is thepart of you that that knows your
worth, and the sadness, andthey're all parts of you that
are worthy of their space, andthat's definitely something that
I've had to learn myself.
Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
So sometimes I had to learn how to love my darkness
and bring it into the light.
Yes, absolutely so.
Those things that thoseimperfections or faults or
whatever anybody wants to labelthem I love them.
I work on them daily.
If somebody points somethingout to me, then I'm hardest on
myself.
Speaker 1 (01:04:28):
Yeah, but I love me.
Speaker 2 (01:04:30):
Yeah, In all of this I found something inside of me
to love.
Speaker 1 (01:04:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:04:35):
That's beautiful.
It took 48 years, yeah, but Ifinally love me.
Speaker 1 (01:04:43):
I love that.
So what I want to hear reallyquickly about your mentorship
program, and then we can wrap upfrom there.
Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
Awesome.
I just created an 8 to 12 weekmentorship program.
It's called IntuitiveIllumination leading you through
your darkness into your light,and it's a combination of
different healing modalities,journaling and, of course, I'm
using Oracle and Tarot to bridgethe two worlds, because
sometimes a lot of people's painis the grief that comes with
(01:05:14):
not knowing the loved ones areright there with them.
So I just created that program.
Anybody can go on my websiteand book a consultation book, a
reading Dana's on there fortarot readings, because I'm
moving more into the coachingspace.
Just because of the energy Ican read tarot but it wipes me
out for a couple of days,usually followed by a seizure.
(01:05:37):
But that's what I'm doing now.
I've got free resources on mywebsite for those who may be
facing or in a covertnarcissistic relationship where
you're starting to question yoursanity.
I've got resources.
There's one upload that'salready there 15 traits that are
common to covert narcissism,and I've got domestic violence
(01:05:58):
awareness numbers on the lastpage.
I just created an ebook thismorning on how to create a safe
plan for you to leave someonewith narcissistic traits.
So that upload will be going upby the end of the week, which
is two days away after I edit itand make it pretty.
And yeah, I'm just out heretrying to bridge people from
(01:06:22):
their darkness so that theydon't have to do it all alone,
like I did.
Speaker 1 (01:06:26):
I love that.
I love that so much.
Thank you.
So I will put all of theinformation for that in the show
notes Listeners.
Wow, was I not telling you thatthis would be impactful?
I am so honored that you werehere today to just give us your
story and I'm so grateful.
I can't wait for the book tocome out.
(01:06:46):
We'll also put all theinformation as soon as we have
it.
And yeah, I'm so, so honored tohave met you and thank you so
much for jumping on today andlisteners, thank you for
listening to this incredible,incredible story of healing and
(01:07:07):
I hope you have all an amazingday.
Peace out, guys, love your life, bye.
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