July 26, 2024 • 60 mins
Ever wondered how life's toughest challenges can transform into powerful lessons? Join me, Maria Aponte, as I sit down with the incredibly resilient Dr. Shafer. From navigating an unforgiving music industry to overcoming an abusive relationship, Dr. Shafer's journey from musician to neurologist, certified life coach, and publisher is nothing short of awe-inspiring. Her insights on turning adversity into purpose and reclaiming one's story will leave you deeply moved and motivated to unlock your own potential.
In this episode, I also share my personal growth routine and the apps that help me stay aligned with my goals. We touch on the shared female experience of trauma, particularly sexual assault, and the unspoken bonds that connect us through these experiences. By exploring the power of self-affirmation and collective understanding, we emphasize the importance of personal growth tools and practices that can help us navigate life's obstacles more effectively.
Finally, we delve into the significance of open communication and emotional education within families. Through poignant personal anecdotes, including my own journey of healing through transparency with my children and parents, we highlight the necessity of creating a safe and nurturing environment. From understanding generational differences to the importance of rest and self-care, this episode is a heartfelt exploration of resilience, empowerment, and the invaluable lessons learned from life's unexpected challenges. Tune in for an inspiring conversation filled with wisdom and hope.
Connect with Dr. Shafer:
Website: www.drshaferstedronova.com
Instagram: @talks_with_dr_shafer
Facebook: @talkswithdrshafer
TikTok: @drshafer
LinkedIn: Shafer (Stedronova) Stedron
Daughter's Website:
Amelieanastasia.com
GrowthDay app offers tools, content, coaching, and community for self-improvement and success.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the Less Than 1% Chance.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
We have such an amazing guesttoday.
I am so excited, so welcome, drSchaefer.
She is the host of aninspirational growth, health and
healing-focused podcast calledTalks with Dr Schaefer.
(00:40):
She is amusician-turned-physician,
neurologist which is awesome Ilove anything that has to do
with the brain Certified lifecoach and publisher, and she is
passionate about helping peopleto claim their stories and
create the new next chapter ofthe life they truly want.
She has personally overcomechallenges in an abusive
(01:02):
relationship that affected herpersonal and professional life
until she took back her story,and she hasn't looked back since
.
She is really passionate aboutempowering others to do the same
and come into their fullestpotentials.
Dr Schaefer, welcome, I'm soexcited to have you.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Thank you, maria.
Thank you so much for giving methe opportunity to come on the
show and meet you.
I've enjoyed listening to yourpodcast episodes.
I feel like I know you and haveconnected with you already, so
it's so exciting to actually behere and talk to you.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Oh, thank you.
Oh my gosh, I am so honored.
Thank you so very much.
So give us a little bit ofbackstory.
What is your against all oddsstory?
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Well, I think, when we take a bird's eye view of
someone's life, we all have somany of these moments where we
can't believe we came throughthem.
But we just soldiered on right,and maybe we were striving for
accolades, right or approval.
We were seeking certain titlesor degrees to make ourselves
(02:05):
feel good because, as life hadgiven us challenges and we kept
on facing them, we didn't feelenough.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
And that sets people up for making decisions in their
lives that kind of bring themfurther and further and further
away from their true purpose andthe story that if they really
were honest with themselves, thestory they want to live and the
story they want to tell, yeah,absolutely, and so for yeah for
me.
I started out life with somechallenges and then I was
(02:38):
involved in the music industryfor quite a long time, which is
also full of, for a young womanin the music industry, lots of
risks in addition to the amazingthings that are happening, and
you maybe see some sides of thehuman condition that wouldn't be
what you would want for yourteenage daughter.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
I can only imagine we arehearing a lot of that now like
coming into light, that just,and with these documentaries and
these things that are very eyeopening, because as a teenager
I'm like, oh my God, I wish Icould sing, because I would love
(03:20):
that, and then you just neverreally know that's what's
happening behind the scenes.
So it's really it's been reallyeye opening over the last at
least year that a lot of thesestories are coming to light, and
so I can only imagine the kindof things that you had to
overcome.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah, you face a lot, and I was very often the only
woman in the room.
I felt like I was a woman.
Really, I was a girl.
I was a professional musicianfrom the age of 14 on, and so I
was in situations where, veryoften, I was the only female for
quite a while and I was makingvery adult decisions with my
(04:02):
career.
I was writing, producing,singing, playing instruments and
writing not only for myself,and producing not only for
myself but for other artists,and so I was in rooms with
people who had a lot ofauthority and power, and there
was this power imbalance, right,yeah.
And so along the road there,there certainly were things that
(04:23):
happened to me that I wouldn'twish on a young person, and
instead of really accepting thatthose things weren't my fault,
but they were things thathappened to me not because of
me- yeah.
At that young age you feel shameand you feel like things are
your fault.
(04:43):
Yeah, and what I found on myjourney then because I never
really had someone tell me thatthose things weren't my fault
and to teach me not to absorbshame.
Because I think also, you and Iare about the same generation
and I think shame was a prettysolid benchmark of parenting and
(05:03):
after growing up.
So feeling shame, especially asa young woman, about things
that occurred in your life toyou and taking that burden upon
yourself was pretty normal atthe time it was.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
I feel like we probably went through some
similar things not me not beingin the industry, obviously, but
I was sexually assaulted at 16.
And that stayed with me and Istayed quiet and I didn't say
anything because I was ashamed,because I didn't feel like I
would get that support that Ineeded, and so that transpired
(05:37):
and I this is where I learnedthat this all, like this, all
happened, yes, and it was reallyreally difficult.
But as I've healed from a lotof those wounds and a lot of
those that trauma, I see that Iwouldn't be who I am today if I
wouldn't have been able toovercome all of those things.
(05:59):
And so, as I don't believe thateverything happens for a reason
, I believe that everything hasa purpose and a meaning.
And if we can find the purposeand the meaning in the things
that we go through, then itshows you how life happened for
you and not to you.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
Yes, everything has a lesson is how I look at it.
There's always a lesson thatyou can take.
And so, when I look back toreflect on my story and your
story, when you don't have thetools to look at what's happened
to you aside from shame right,you don't have the tools to do
(06:40):
that you don't really deal withit, cope with it, it and leave
it in the past.
You carry it along with you.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
And it's coloring your interactions with the world
and it's coloring your choicesright.
You're always striving, maybefor approval, because you feel
bad and wrong on the inside,because this wouldn't have
happened to me if I wasn't thosethings right.
Or maybe you feel like you'velost some of your shine or
sparkle after some thingshappened to you, and so you seek
(07:10):
validation of that externalquality rather than seeking
partnership, someone to partneryour soul, your internal
qualities and be your partner.
So what I found was when Ireflect back, having not done
that work as a child of, likeyou said, sorting through it and
(07:31):
realizing it's not me, it'ssomething that happened to me,
and moving forward and takingthe lessons.
Instead, I was pretty woundedby everything that had happened
and making choices to try to fixmyself through external means,
and so I married very young.
I married when I was 20 to aman I really didn't know.
(07:53):
We became engaged after twoweeks of knowing one another and
to my wounded little girl soul,my teenage girl soul, was oh my
goodness, I finally foundsomeone who just loves me for
who I am, just instantly lovesme.
And as adults, we say oh, redflag.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
My daughter's 20 now and she's engaged and I'm like,
well, just wait to get marriedtill you're like 25.
Let's just hold off till you're25 for anything major marriage,
kids, anything like that andthankfully she's marriage kids,
anything like that, andthankfully she's yeah, like it's
(08:30):
it'll be okay, and she's.
I got married at 19, so I alsounderstand very young.
I had all three of my kids bythe time I was 25, so my poor
little brain was not even fullydeveloped exactly.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
Yeah, it's not by that age.
It's really not.
The decision making is not fromthe same perspective that you
have now.
It can't be.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Yeah.
So I tell her like I'm likethere's a reason that, like, car
insurance goes down at 25.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
There's a good example.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And you can rent a car at 25.
It's because at least theclosest you can be to like fully
developing in your brain andyour reaction, and her therapist
calls it the animal brain.
So if you're going to you,don't flip that lid as as easily
.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
After that development stage and as you're
saying that, I'm like, yeah, Ifeel you.
I'm like telling my daughterjust to hold on a few more years
.
There's no rush, and thenyou'll have a better career
handle on your finances.
You can have a beautifulwedding that you want, all the
things.
However, just wait.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Exactly Well, and you can't really tell her this
because you don't want to pushthem right, you don't want to
control them or be coercive,because those of us that have
experienced that inrelationships we know that's not
, it's not effective, it's notconnecting right.
But if you could tell them,well, it takes on average two
years to get divorced.
So, you shouldn't get married.
(09:57):
I did it in three Exactly.
So two to three years to getdivorced.
So you need to be engaged fortwo to three years Just test it
out really well.
Good rule of thumb.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
I love that, that's actually a great analogy too.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
If you tell her that I don't know is that going to be
effective or not, because Ithink it's like Taylor Swift's
new song.
But, daddy, I love him.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Right, it is.
So on point, yes, absolutely,and it's it.
But it's normal If you thinkback.
Like my parents warned me andthankfully, my ex husband he's a
great man we didn't have ahorrible relationship, but by
the time I was 28, I was like Ifeel like I'm not the same
(10:46):
person I was and instead of likegrowing together, we grew apart
and there was not thatconnection anymore and I chose
to ask for the divorce because Iwas like my.
What I want is my kids to knowwhat it is to be healthy and
happy, and if I am not modelingthat like, how will I ever tell
(11:09):
them that this is what theyshould do or that this is what
they strive for?
So yeah, I, just so Iunderstand.
I didn't listen to my parents,but I think that who does?
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I think that's just normal, well, normal, well,
no, and actually it's a prettynormal psychological development
to want to separate from yourfamily and it makes sense
because back when we lived intribes, you needed to sever ties
with your family to then goprocreate because you didn't
want to procreate with yourtribe because that would be
(11:43):
dangerous for your offspring, soyou had to have a reason to
leave.
And we as humans are so bondedto our parents.
Think about the average bondwith a parent.
If there's no abuse, or even ifthere is abuse, when there's
abuse, there's still a bond.
That is such a strong bond forso many people.
Teenage years and early 20s areabsolutely necessary to,
(12:05):
basically for the survival ofour species.
That's why it happens.
It's not.
So don't take it personal.
If your teenager is thinkingthey hate you because they don't
hate you, it's just biologysaying get away from them.
You need to separate yourselfand start your family.
But now we know we live muchlonger because we're much
healthier, we're much safer withour lives, we're not worried
(12:26):
about the saber-toothed tigereating us in our cave.
So now that we're not living to30 or 35, we can say, oh, I can
live life differently, I canallow my brain to develop fully
and then I can start my family.
Of course, that's a decisionfor everyone to make, but from a
neurologist standpoint waitinguntil your brain is fully
(12:48):
developed I certainly advocatefor that.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Excellent.
I love that.
It feels good when you're justlike.
After all of my life andeverything I've experienced, my
conclusion is that just wait.
25 seems like a good number.
My conclusion is that just wait25 seems like a good number.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
I think yeah.
What I did is I told mydaughter 30 to get married when
she's 30, which is a tough sellgiven my history, and I imagine,
given your history, that's atough sell.
But someone gave me someexcellent advice to say if you
wait until you're 30, I'll buyyour wedding dress, which is
nothing.
I mean unless they're going togo to Versace.
It's not a big deal, but tothem it's a really big deal.
(13:28):
My mom okay, I have to waituntil 30.
So someone gave me that tip andI'm going to try it.
You're fully advocating forthat tip.
I like it.
We'll see how it works.
A fellow physician mom gave methat tip, and so she and I swore
that we were going to use this.
I have three daughters, I havetwo stepdaughters and my oldest
and she has two, so we'redesperately holding on to any
(13:49):
tool we have.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah, oh yeah, I have two, two, two daughters of my
own and I have two stepdaughters, so there's four girls and two
boys.
It's.
It is definitely.
Um, I will definitely use thatas well.
I think that that's a great tip.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
It's going to be a longitudinal study to see what
percentage it works, and then wecan break down the groups.
Okay, why didn't it work?
Why did it work?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Our approach it's going to be perfect.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
We'll keep in touch over that, absolutely.
But I wanted to reflect onsomething that you said about
when you came to the realization, about your growth and what you
needed to do to facilitate that, and I just want to applaud you
for that.
And recently someone actuallyasked me if you could tell your
audience one thing, or if youcould tell your clients one
(14:41):
thing.
That's the main thing thatyou're a proponent of, the thing
that you're trying to getacross, and it was grow.
And if you can't grow where youare, go and then grow, yeah,
but at all costs grow.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Yeah, I am a huge proponent of I listen to
personal growth on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure you're familiarwith Brendan Burchard, so he
has this app called Growth Dayand I listen to it every morning
and I wake up, I put myheadphones in.
I don't turn on the phone formuch other than turning on the
(15:21):
app and listening to whateverdaily fire he has, because he
changes it on a daily basis.
Yeah, it just.
It's the first thing that I'mlistening to is goodness in my
ears, in between my ears, andand then, right after that is
done, as I'm like brushing myteeth, putting on my face creams
and all this stuff, gettingready I'm.
(15:43):
I have this app called ThinkUpand the ThinkUp app you can
record your own affirmations orvision or whatever, and it's in
your own voice.
It has, like in the background,like music or just sounds,
right, sound healing, whatever,and it you can put it on repeat
(16:04):
and it shuffles everything, andso it's what I listened to.
I listened to myself givingmyself affirmations on a daily
basis and it's listening to myvision and how I want.
I'm a number one best sellingauthor and speaker and podcaster
and like all of these thingsthat I know that I feel in my
(16:26):
heart, but it isn't for me tojust have this vision out there.
It's for me to like, constantlylisten to this and know in my
hearts of hearts that it's it'strue, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Do you think that?
I think it's such aninteresting concept?
Because it's different thanlistening to someone else's
podcast or someone else's words.
And they may be someone else'swords, but when you're recording
them in your own voice andlistening to them repeatedly, it
just feels like it's going tohappen.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
I'm just telling myself a story that I see, a
vision that I see.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
Something that occurred to me as I was sitting
and reflecting was that you hadshared with me, in response to
something that I had shared,that you had something really
traumatic a sexual assaulthappened to you as a teenager.
And I was reflecting on thiskind of interesting shared
female experience where I didn'treally have the time to respond
(17:25):
to you just because of the waythat our conversation was going.
But I'm here nodding like samesame shared female experience
and not necessarily validatingthe experience out loud, because
I think we, as women, we oftenagain it's that shame and that
(17:48):
almost sad statistical truth ofwe expect, if we're in a room
with four women, that at leastone of them has been raped and
most likely I think those statsare probably not accurate.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
I think it's a lot more.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
So often when we hear these stories, I think,
especially as women who haveshared experiences, we're kind
of like and we don't necessarilyhave this big response of like
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry thishappened to you, but it's not
because we don't care, it'sbecause we have shared that
(18:24):
horrific experience and we don'thave to share those words.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
I know, and I think that I've been so open about my
experience in what I've gonethrough, that I feel I
understand the nod Exactly and Ithink it is so sad.
(18:50):
It is so sad I, like I was veryopen even with my kids as they
were growing up.
Obviously, to their little ears, depending on their age, they
got more and more information asmy kids hit anything like
middle school, high school, theyknew my story because I felt
like they needed to feelempowered to number one, tell me
(19:14):
if there was anything everwrong and, number two, know that
they are loved no matter what.
And because I feel like, asespecially in our generation, as
all of those things happen, itwas always like hushed or never
talked about.
And so now that I feel likewe're so much more evolved in
(19:39):
our, in our voice, I feel likethat nod is just, it is
validating, even though it's notin words but it is in.
I feel like our hearts connectbecause it's a moment that
unfortunately, so many of ushave experienced and and I
(20:03):
really do think those statisticsare very, very wrong, because
most of the women that I'vespoken to unfortunately have
gone through something like thatRight and so we don't talk
about it.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Yeah, we don't talk about it.
That just makes that statisticlower and lower and lower,
because people don't feel safe.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, I was raised in a family.
They didn't find out untilthree years after it happened
and it wasn't talked about again.
And then, when I started toheal from my own journey and
from the things that I had gonethrough, that I started to speak
up about it and understandably,I think, that my parents felt
(20:48):
and I've had this conversationwith them but they felt like
they weren't there to protecttheir baby.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
So they felt shame and guilt.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yes, and so I feel like it isn't I had.
So I had a conversation a fewyears back with my parents that
I was I want to say, through oneof my my mindset coach.
We had a conversation in agroup setting.
I am very open with my storybecause I feel like, again, the
(21:21):
more people that hear it, themore people that don't feel that
stigma of the things like youshouldn't feel ashamed.
That happened and I'm notletting that have that power
over me anymore.
So I, in a group setting, in agroup coaching call, I spoke up
about it and about how, like itjust really hurt that my parents
(21:44):
, what I, that they didn'tunderstand that what I needed in
that moment, rather thanshaming me further, was a hug
and just love.
That's all like, just tell methat you love me and that you
support me and give me a hug.
And they didn't react that wayand and so he, like, through
(22:05):
that coaching call, he was likeMaria, maybe it's time to have
that conversation with yourparents.
And I was like, but I don'twant them to feel guilty, I
don't want them to feel like I'mtelling them they were bad
parents, because I don't thinkthat they were, especially now,
as a parent.
There is no manual for this,they're all so different and
(22:27):
there's no manual on how to be aparent.
However, he was like but it'snot that, just telling them what
you needed at that time.
And you didn't receive andthankfully I had a counseling
appointment in the interim ofthat conversation happening and
she was like just be prepared tohold yourself and to hug
(22:47):
yourself and be prepared to bewhat you needed in that moment
to yourself.
Don't put any expectations onthat conversation.
Yes but it's important to have.
And so I was very it was veryscary Like I was shaking going
(23:07):
to my parents' house that dayand I just I sat them down and I
was like I just feel like Ineed to get this out.
I need to do it for my ownhealing, and I just need you to
know that in the moment that Itold you guys and I didn't tell
you guys for three years,because I knew that the way that
(23:28):
you reacted was how you weregoing to react, and I wasn't
prepared to hear that it was myfault, because it wasn't and so
in that moment, I really feltlike what I needed from you guys
that I did not get was a hugand some support and love.
And I'm not telling you thatyou guys did anything wrong
(23:51):
because you don't know how tohandle those situations.
There's no manual.
Circumstances like this happenwith anything that happens with
your child, anything thathappens with your child when
you're experiencing it for thefirst time.
You don't know what you don'tknow.
(24:11):
You don't know how to handlethat situation.
So I'm not shaming you at all,I just thank you for always
being such great parents.
In that moment, though, I neededa hug and some support.
And my mom has always been mydad was the physical touch, has
always been my dad was thephysical touch.
That was his love language, asit's my love language, and my
mom was never that at all, soshe was more like I could
(24:34):
probably count the amount oftimes that I've gotten embraced
and she was the first one togive me a hug and I broke down
because I wasn't expecting it.
I was fully just expecting meto, like, leave and go to the
park or something and just hugmyself and be there for myself
(24:56):
and it was beautiful experience.
But we don't talk about itbecause it's this shame all
across the board.
It's a shame for them.
They weren't there to protectme.
It's shame for me because Ifelt in that moment that it was
my fault, like it was.
It's just such a.
It's just a very interestingsubject matter because it always
(25:22):
has so much emotion attached toeverything.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
And emotion was exactly the word that was coming
to my mind and the thought that, had we had better training and
vocabulary around emotions whenwe were younger people, you
could have saved yourself a lotof pain and anguish.
If you could have, on shortorder, turned to your parents
(25:50):
and said listen, you guys aregreat parents, I love you.
This is hurting me further.
This is how I'm experiencingwhat you're telling me right now
.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
And I don't need this .
What I need is love.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:04):
And if they had been faced with that, like if they
had understood in that momentthat they were hurting you
further, knowing full and wellfrom what you're sharing that
they love you, and that theywere willing to take a step back
and meet you once theyunderstood how you were
experiencing it you once theyunderstood how you were
experiencing it If we can giftthat to our children, to this up
(26:25):
and coming generation moreemotional intelligence and
emotional regulation andcommunication, and willingness
to speak up when theirboundaries are being crossed,
willingness to speak up whenthey are feeling that they are
being harmed and listen to theirgut they are feeling that they
are being harmed and listen totheir gut what an amazing gift.
How much less emotionaldistress will they feel?
(26:47):
Because if you'd had thatlanguage, if that had been
modeled for you and you'd hadthat conversation, what would
that have looked like?
And now as a grown adult.
You had that and it went somuch better than you could have
expected.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Yeah, I was definitely relieved in so many
ways and it doesn't go like thatfor everyone.
So I that was the, I guess, theideal outcome.
However, I agree, and evenbetween my children my
20-year-old, her emotionalintelligence compared to my
(27:24):
15-year-old that got a lot moretime of my healed self, is so
different, so vastly different,seen the evolved version of me
as a parent and how it took meso many years to heal me.
(27:46):
And when I was in a more healedstate, my little one, my
youngest, got so much more ofthat than what my two older ones
got.
And so, in very like, theirtherapy appointments are so
(28:06):
vastly different and it's andyou could tell that difference
like how my 15 year old can veryeasily articulate her emotions
and my 20 year old still has alittle bit of that problem of
articulating what she's feeling.
She just shuts down.
So it's very interesting.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
But, yeah, I think that that's the beauty of us
healing that our kids couldlearn a little bit more of that
language absolutely andAbsolutely, and I've had the
opportunity to speak through myshow with so many specialists in
helping kids regulate theiremotions, specifically
(28:49):
therapists, authors who writebooks from a therapeutic
standpoint to try to help withemotional regulation.
And the unifying thread ofmanaging these relationships
with our children is not so muchhelping the child who's
(29:09):
neurodivergent or helping thechild who's failing in school.
How can we get them doingbetter at math?
How can we fix this?
Let's hire a tutor, let's do X,y, z, let's cut out the iPad
and make them stay home on theweekends.
And that's not the solution.
The solution is parentingourselves and then trying to
(29:32):
show up for our kids in a healedway, and that will fix so much
of it, because so much of it isour reactions to the problem,
more so than the problem.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Yes, oh my gosh, I feel like we are so connected.
I feel like you've been in myhead.
This is so cool because I didexperience like a similar
situation between when my 20year old was 15 and my now 15
(30:03):
year old very, very similarsituations, and I reacted very,
very differently, like I wasparenting me.
I showed up to my youngest, asI would have needed my parent to
show up for me, my youngest, asI would have needed my parent
to show up for me.
Yeah, and it was mind blowingthe difference in just my own
(30:29):
peace of mind and how it didn'ttake that power away from me.
It was so more power.
Exactly, it helped me keep thatpower in my own emotions.
It was that simple in my ownemotions, and so her reaction to
(30:50):
it was more like well, mom didnot react like she did with my
older sister.
Sister, this is a differentversion of mom, like I think she
was a little confused, but Ithink that it created a more
easier conversation between thetwo of us.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Yeah, and I think sometimes, as parents, it's easy
to feel shame as to whycouldn't I show up the same
exact way when I was you werestill a baby when you have
babies.
Of course you couldn't show upas as you do now.
That it's not.
It's not possible.
That expectation is not.
It doesn't fit.
So we don't look at the numberthree and get angry with it that
(31:31):
it's not four, right?
So if we have an equation, sothe equation is be a mom and
it's blank plus two equals six,but you're a three because
you're not to four yet, right,you haven't grown.
This is what you are.
And we plug you in the equationthree plus two equals.
Oh no, it doesn't equal six.
(31:52):
We don't get mad at three,we're just like.
It doesn't fit, move along,it's not the right number.
Yet with ourselves, we expectourselves to show up as
something that we're not, thatwe haven't had the opportunity
to grow into, and it's I don'tlike the word fair, but it is
truly, really unfair.
It's not an expectation that wecan meet and it sets us up for
(32:14):
feeling shame, and shame doesabsolutely nothing for us.
And it made me think when youwere discussing your reactions
with your children.
And as we grow, we tend torespond rather than react.
But especially when we'reyounger or we're still coping
with a lot of things, we'reunder a lot of stress.
Our nervous system, our brainis in charge of everything.
(32:38):
Right, I'm a neurologist somaybe I'm biased, but it is the
most important part of us.
It's what makes us right.
And if our neurochemicals, ourbrain, is dysregulated and, as
you were talking about earlier,we're in the reptilian brain
activating stage, if we're inour limbic system, our agitation
(33:01):
, anger, frustration, fight orflight system and we stay in
that system, it's like a tirethat's just getting deeper and
deeper into the mud.
We have to break that habit toget out.
And you're deep right.
So you're going to have tobuild up on that.
You're going to have to buildnew habits, new patterns.
You're going to have to learnhow to respond rather than to
(33:22):
react.
And it's not immediate, itrequires neurodevelopmental
changes, like you have to growup right, you have to choose
yourself, you have to chooseyour health.
You have to go if you can'tgrow right, because if you're in
an environment where you're notsafe, where your basic needs
are not being met, you can'tgrow to be the mom, the person
(33:46):
you want to be.
So it's just so important andthat's why I do the work I do in
life coaching, as well as withtalks with Dr Schaefer and my
community and writing we Don'tTell Our Stories is to really
try to educate people about theneed for their health, to work
on mindset, to work on growth,to work on self-awareness and
(34:10):
regulation.
Because, as a neurologist, ifyou come to me for headaches or
for seizures, which you takesimilar medications often for
both of these disorders If youcome to me and I give you a
prescription and I tell you makesure you're sleeping and eating
and drinking enough water, andall that and don't do X, y, z,
(34:31):
but then you go home to anunsafe environment where you
can't sleep well, or maybeyou're being bullied at school,
right?
Or maybe you're in a toxicsituation at work and you're
always stressed, not sleepingwell, not eating well, and your
body is in a constant state offight or flight.
It doesn't matter what Iprescribe to you, it's not going
(34:54):
to be as effective, it's notgoing to be as helpful as if you
were in a regulated state whereyour brain and body weren't
constantly focused on.
I just need to be safe, yeah,and so that's a part of why I'm
so passionate about havingconversations about meeting
these needs and working on ourmindset and working on growth,
(35:17):
because we can spend as muchmoney as we want on the creams
and the devices and themedicines and all of those
things, but we really need to,as a group.
Just come back to a place ofhealth in our mindset and our
lives.
Before we can really achievethe health and wellness that we
(35:39):
want and that we're franklyspending so much time and money
trying to achieve, we need towork on ourselves first.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Yeah, absolutely.
I am in the health and wellnessspace as well.
Nine years ago I had cervicalcancer and I was depressed and I
was a single mom of three kids.
My oldest daughter had justbeen diagnosed bipolar.
I don't think that's the case.
I don't think that's what sheis, but she was like 12 at the
(36:06):
time and it was like such anearly diagnosis but I was at my
wit's end, didn't know how tohandle.
Like I was traveling for work,it was just all of the things
right.
There was so much dis-ease, allof the things.
Another one of those nod moments, right Like huh, all those
things, yes, and there was somuch dis-ease All of the things,
another one of those nodmoments, right, all those things
(36:27):
, yes, and there was so muchdis-ease in my body that it was
creating this disease, and so Ihad a surgery in June and by
August I was like spiraling withthe depression, with the weight
gain, with everything.
And I found something that Iwas able to do from home, that I
wasn't going to just leavethree little kids home by
themselves.
Something that I was able to dofrom home, that I wasn't going
to just leave three little kidshome by themselves, so I could
go to a gym, right.
So I figured out what I coulddo and so I found it.
(36:50):
I found the tools.
It was like the workouts andthe nutrition and great
supplements Amazing.
And I could make a business outof it.
Great.
And it had community and all ofthat.
One of the major things that wasdifferent between just being a
customer and partnering withthis company was that, as a
(37:12):
partner, they encouraged thatone of our vital behaviors was
personal growth, and it changedthe game for me.
Yeah, the moment that I startedto, I didn't even know who Tony
Robbins was, and the moment thatI started to hear just things
like progress equals happiness,and I was progressing in my own
(37:34):
health and I was like, oh mygosh, and I felt this difference
in me that was so big, it waswhole health.
At that moment, it was my mindthat, even through the hard
moments because I had a secondcancer diagnosis that year and
and I was able to lean into thatcommunity and say, feel like I
(37:57):
want to give up and they werelike, no, no, no, you're.
You've been like doing so goodfor a whole month and a half,
like when was the last time youwere able to do that?
And so I stuck through it andthe workouts were there, the
nutrition was there, yeah,completely changed my lifestyle.
The supplements were there, themindset changed everything,
(38:20):
because it showed me that Icould get through the hard days
and that I could continue toevolve and get better and heal.
And I was like what ishappening?
And when I ended up having afull hysterectomy at the end of
the year, in December of thatyear, and a week later when I
was getting the pathology report, the doctor sat me down.
(38:41):
He's like Maria, there's zerosigns of cancer.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
I don't think that combination was a coincidence.
I think the combination of allof the things like I worked here
, I worked what was going in mybody, like it was the
combination, the community, the,the mindset, everything, all of
the things that I did to changemy lifestyle saved my life.
Speaker 3 (39:08):
Yeah, it really does, and it's really funny because
you're passionate aboutpodcasting, I'm passionate about
podcasting and we are in part.
Both of us have had a sharedexperience of literally having
our lives saved by a podcast.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
Isn't that crazy, isn't it amazing.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
It is so cool.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
It's true, and it's so inspiring and when you see
the power of connection and ofstorytelling and of saying, hey,
I know there are a millionpeople that are out here talking
and sharing their stories, butjust in case this helps one
person, I'm going to tell thisstory because I know one other
person saved my life and it'sworth it, and so that's so
powerful and I'm just so happyto hear that you came through
(39:51):
and to just to validate whatyou're saying.
Of course, in medicine weunderstand not to the fullest,
that we will with research butwe do know that nutrition, sleep
, mental health those are veryimportant because the stress
hormones we have and we're notminding those and the
deleterious things from a poordiet, they actually act against
(40:13):
your body, they act against yourcells, they act against the
cells, the natural killer cellsthat are there to help fight
cancer.
So so we know you have to bedoing these things if you want
to have the best chance forsurvival and just for health in
general.
So, you're absolutely right andI am just so glad that was the
outcome for you and for yourkids, because they need mom.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Yeah, it's definitely been such a incredible like
sometimes I look back and I'mlike whoa that just I need to
write a book.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
You do Send me send me a copy.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
I love editing, so I'd be like honored to get the
opportunity to get a pre-read.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
That would be amazing .
I just really I need to hear,though how did you go from
musician to neurologist?
Because yeah, that's prettydifferent.
Speaker 3 (41:09):
It's a jump.
Right, it's a jump.
It's a jump as I was leadinginto.
I got married very young and Imarried someone who really liked
to be in charge of things, andalthough I had, I was really
beginning to get some tractionand some real success in my
musical career.
And I had all these amazingoffers and they told me well, I
(41:31):
don't think that's a good familycareer.
Okay, so I gave it all up.
I was supposed to be startingat the New York University
School of Music business totransition also from being a
performer as well to being onthe business side more, and so
it was such an exciting time inmy life.
But here there was thisauthority figure and with
everything I get experiencegoing into it, I really
(41:51):
forfeited my choice in thatmoment and that's the choice I
made.
And so then I moved back to theMidwest from New York City,
where I'd been living for yearsand I really didn't know what I
was going to do with my life,and I started studying
psychology.
I was working in the psychologydepartment, teaching and doing
(42:13):
research.
I was doing research at theKinsey Institute, all these
amazing things and was told Ishould be a psychiatrist, and so
I applied to one medical schooland I got into that medical
school and went to medicalschool, medical school and went
(42:34):
to medical school and while Iwas there I just fell in love
with neurology.
And when you're in medicalschool it's really interesting.
One of the ways I think manypeople choose their profession
is the patients that you justcan't wait to spend time with
them, right when you're on.
We call them rotations, and youspend one, two, three months
with within a specialty to seeif it's a good fit for you.
And I went to medical schoolthinking I'd be a psychiatrist.
(42:59):
When I was in medical school, Iactually started preparing to be
a dermatologist and I dideverything I needed.
I did the research, I was thetop 5% of my class, I did all
the things that you need to doto get into dermatology because
it's quite competitive, and so Iwas the top 5% of my class.
I did all the things that youneed to do to get into
dermatology because it's quitecompetitive, and so I was all
ready to go into thiscompetitive field.
And then, when I was athird-year medical student, I
did my first neurology rotationand it was like snap, oh man.
(43:22):
Well, I know I did all of thatpreparation for dermatology.
But I'm a neurologist, that'swhat I am.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
I love that, so I'm a neurologist.
Speaker 3 (43:30):
That's what I am.
So I went into neurology and Iabsolutely love it.
It's such a good fit for mypersonality and I just I love
spending time with neurologicalpatients.
But then I jokingly call myselfthe queen of pivot, because
life has been this way.
Life led to even more pivots.
(43:50):
My life was really more andmore controlled over time until
it was to the point where theonly thing that was permitted
for me was to work for thisother person and not to actually
have a career outside of theircontrol.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
And so that had occurred, and I didn't even have
any money coming to me.
Any money that I made throughthat job was going directly into
a retirement account that I hadno control over.
So here I'd gone from a highlytrained, autonomous person to
this person who had no autonomy,but I still loved my life,
(44:31):
because I just loved my childrenmore than anything, and I think
they are what really got methrough so much of what I'd been
through and kept me going.
And then two things, though,really saved my life, because it
was just becoming unsustainablewhat I was experiencing, and
(44:51):
those two things were one.
My best friend finally becameaware of what was going on and
asked me one simple question Doyou know that you matter?
You matter, and no one had eversaid that to me in my entire
life.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
It was like acknowledging your existence.
Speaker 3 (45:10):
Literally, that I mattered, that my thoughts,
feelings and needs mattered, andit was the first time anyone
had ever said or asked me thatquestion and that rocked my soul
.
And another thing that happenedwas I started.
I don't even know how Ihappened upon this podcast, but
I happened upon Les Carter, whois a therapist who works in
(45:35):
educating about coercive control, about the controlling people
in your life.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (45:41):
And I couldn't get enough and I would just have my
earbud in and just listen andlisten and listen.
And I learned about controllingpeople.
But I also learned, moreimportantly, so much about what,
how I was showing up, andlearned how to become stronger
so that I could show up formyself and my kids as myself and
(46:06):
really reclaim my life.
And so I moved forward and Idid take the really difficult,
challenging and often veryfrightening steps that it took
to achieve that and it wasreally difficult.
It reminds me of that likeTikTok thing where they say I
don't know how I did it, I justdid it.
(46:26):
It was hard yeah.
Speaker 2 (46:28):
It just.
It's literally like one foot infront of the other.
Speaker 3 (46:31):
You have you just do it.
You just do it, so I didn'teven know what to expect, You're
just like okay.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
So, if my right foot can get in front of my left foot
, yes, we're moving forward.
If my left foot can get infront of my right foot, then
we're going somewhere and everyday looks different.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
Right, there may be months in your healing process
and growth process where you canbarely get out of bed, and
that's actually okay.
You need to rest.
Once you really allow the, onceyou acknowledge what's happened
to you because you've beenboxing that up, you haven't been
acknowledging it.
Once you really acknowledge it,that process is really tiring.
It requires a lot of effort andenergy and healing and we heal
(47:19):
our body heals when we sleep.
We grow when we sleep and sowhen you're going through
traumatic times in your life, apart of that growth is going to
be you have to rest and pleasedon't shame yourself.
When you need to rest, Justlean into it and say this is
what my body needs and I loveand I trust my body and I'm
going to give it what it needs.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
Yeah, I, yeah, I can't even say yes.
Enough for that.
I'm dealing with evenpostmenopausal issues now and I
had kept it at bay for so longand I feel I was telling one of
my friends the other day I justI don't feel like me.
I'm always go, go, go and Ijust really just want to rest
(48:01):
right now and I am so valuingjust the sleep and I know that
it's like my adrenals need itbig time and like my body is
literally like telling me Maria,stop it right now, like you
need to just take it easy and bekind and just let yourself rest
(48:24):
.
And so that has been a bit of ashift, because I was a single
mom for many years and it waslike I had no other choice but
to just go, go, go.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
And now that it's so funny.
I was just always somebody thatI was very independent from the
get go and and I have beenindependent for so long that
when you have someone that youcan depend on, it's really,
really hard to just allow thatto happen.
(48:59):
And it's scary and it feels soout of body that you it's like
this internal fight, oh, butthis isn't me, oh, but it's so
mind-boggling to me.
But when you finally allowyourself to just say can you
(49:21):
just get me for a little bit,can you just be there?
Speaker 3 (49:25):
I'm tapping out.
I'm tapping out you're in likecan you just?
Speaker 2 (49:30):
can this just be a thing?
Can you?
Can I just tap out?
I've never been able to tap out.
So tapping out, you're in.
Can this just be a thing?
Can I just tap out?
I've never been able to tap out.
So, tapping out is just weird.
But I'm tapping out, Can youjust tap in please?
Yeah, it's really mind blowingwhen that can actually be a
thing.
Speaker 3 (49:45):
It is, and it requires two things a partner
you trust and trusting yourself.
Speaker 2 (49:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was literally crying to twoof my best friends a few weeks
ago.
Speaker 1 (49:55):
I was just like I just don't feel like me anymore
and I feel like I'm losingmyself.
Speaker 2 (50:01):
And I know that it's.
My estrogen levels are likebelow postmenopausal average,
like it's they're down, and mycortisol levels like um, I am
working with a hormonespecialist and she was like
adrenal fatigue.
You're there, this is what'shappening and your body is maria
(50:21):
.
You need to take it easy andI'm like but I have this brain
fog.
I need to maybe just honor thefact that I do need to take some
rest yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:31):
Yeah, it's like we said, like the number three,
it's the number three.
Are we going to be mad at thenumber three?
Are we going to be like you'renumber three, that's where we
are right now, or do we get madthat the flower needs to be
watered?
Speaker 2 (50:41):
Yeah, You've got to water the flower.
You need to rest.
Speaker 3 (50:45):
You have to take care of your needs and your needs
are different and I think,especially when you've been
super mom for so long, it is sohard to attend to your needs.
But that's a part of ongoinggrowth.
And you do so much growth andyou think like, okay, I've got
it now but then you meet a newchallenge and you feel those
similar pulls, those pangs, andit's I call it the trigger
(51:08):
detector.
It's telling you like oops.
So when you are feeling upsetthat you have this need right
and instead of just meeting theneed, you're fighting the need,
okay, that's the triggerdetector, it's going off.
Speaker 2 (51:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (51:20):
So we can run away from it, or we can say, okay,
what is this telling?
Speaker 2 (51:25):
me.
I'm leaning in.
Speaker 3 (51:27):
Yeah, I'm leaning in, I'm going to meet the need and
I'm going to just see what's theworst that can happen by seeing
what happens if I meet thisneed.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
Oh my gosh, so good, it's so good.
So tell our list.
We have talks with Dr Schaefer.
There's another podcast, Ibelieve right.
Speaker 3 (51:47):
My daughter's podcast .
Yeah, I would be so thrilled ifanyone has kids or loves
reading.
Check out what's up youngauthors.
I'm going to plug it way morethan I plug talks with Dr
Schaefer, because like that'sold news.
Right, that's my podcast.
I'm going to plug my daughter'spodcast, so she is.
It's as a part of my healingjourney and her healing journey,
(52:10):
because we were going throughthis together and she was old
enough to really be experiencingit, right?
So when she was eight, sheactually wrote her first book
and, with the help of a friend,she published it.
Oh my gosh.
And then we just went to ourlocal bookstore and we said, hey
, would you just put a fewcopies in here so that she can
(52:31):
send her friends to get it?
And they did.
They so graciously agreed andwe put it in the store and then
they were gone.
And then they said, hey, couldyou bring by more books?
Sure, sure, we'll bring by afew more.
And then the next week, hey,can you bring back double books
Because they're gone again.
And this just kept on happening.
(52:58):
I have goosebumps.
It became.
The wonderful thing was I wantedit to not be the year that her
parents went through aseparation, right, I wanted it
to be the year that she wrote abook.
Yeah, and that's what I wantedit to be.
But then she wrote another bookand then another book, and
that's going to be coming outanother book and then another
book, and that's going to becoming out.
So she wrote Fox Tales, foxTales 2, and this fall Wolf
Tales will be coming out in thisbeautiful, beautiful series.
Actually, I don't know if youshould have a video but I have a
(53:22):
picture.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
This is her Fox Tales , right here.
It's so beautiful.
Oh my God, that is gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (53:25):
Her stuff really is gorgeous.
That's my little baby rightthere.
Speaker 2 (53:28):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (53:30):
Isn't she beautiful?
Speaker 2 (53:30):
She is absolutely gorgeous, so I'm I want the link
.
If there's a link to it, I willput it in the show notes.
Speaker 3 (53:39):
Her website is wwwomelieanastasiacom, and I'll
send that too for the show notes.
But the really exciting thingabout her and I'm really sharing
it, not even so much to plug it, but because it's just evidence
of what happens when you growas a parent what happens around
you, right, it's infectious.
So not only was it not the yearthat this happened, this bad
(54:01):
thing happened, it was the yearthat she published a book, then
she published another and nowshe's publishing her third.
She's writing a book to helpraise money for the Humane
Society this year as well, afourth book, and we'll be
working with our local chapterto help them raise money.
And she also was doing a TVspot for PR for Fox Tales 2 this
(54:22):
spring and she came off of thestage and she was like mom, that
was amazing, when can I do thatagain?
Now, can I do it now?
And I said well, we live inNorthern Michigan so it might be
hard for mom to find youanother TV spot now, but let's
spitball that talk and figurethis out.
And she said well, you have apodcast.
(54:44):
What if I had a podcast where Iinterview other young authors
so that they have an opportunityto show their strength, the
power of their voice and spreadtheir message and promote their
work to other young people?
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Oh my God, I love her .
I want to meet her.
Speaker 3 (55:02):
Yeah, she's amazing.
So she did that, and then thatwasn't enough.
Then she said with my secondbook and my third book, I really
want to start raising moneybecause I feel like I'm not
doing enough for wildlife.
I want to start raising moneyto help create a wildlife
preserve for animals like thecharacters in my book, and so
that's something else that westarted doing this year too, all
(55:24):
just as a side effect of medeciding to live my life and do
it in a really outwardly visibleway.
Speaker 2 (55:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
So that my daughter then saw that Be authentically
you.
Speaker 3 (55:38):
Yeah, be me.
My daughter saw that and shewas inspired and it inspired her
to not be like me but to beherself which is all I want for
my kids is for them to beunapologetically themselves.
And that's what I want for mylisteners and for anyone I meet
to grow and to be yourself.
Speaker 2 (55:58):
I love that so much.
How old is she?
Speaker 3 (56:02):
She's 10.
Speaker 2 (56:03):
Oh my gosh, I have goosebumps.
That is like amazing.
Oh my gosh, that is likeamazing.
Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of herand I don't even know her.
I love that so very much.
Yeah, I truly feel like usbeing able to be our authentic
selves gives them the permissionthat they need to say oh well,
(56:25):
if mom can do it.
And I have a saying to my kids,and I just have a very candid
relationship with my kids and mybiggest advice to them, when
they leave my car, the house,whatever is don't do stupid shit
.
Make good choices make goodchoices.
Yeah, I think that the don't dostupid shit is just funny,
(56:48):
because if you have to think, isthis stupid, it's probably
stupid, so it's point.
Yeah, and they're all like 15and over.
Speaker 3 (56:57):
Now I, they're in the season of making bad choices
exactly right.
Speaker 2 (57:02):
so I did a reel on Instagram like a few weeks ago,
and it was talking about the oneadvice that I tell my kids
every time they leave the house,the car, whatever.
And I kind of like paused and Isaid don't do stupid shit.
And so I got the reaction of myson listening to the reel and
(57:25):
in that pause he was like don'tdo stupid shit.
And so I think we're goinggonna end up doing a podcast
together called don't do stupidshit that is so fun.
I will definitely listen to thatso excited because he just
graduated high school and weused to have our car talks in
(57:45):
the morning.
They were my favorite.
We just were very candid.
I don't sugarcoat things.
He's 18.
The conversations are waydifferent than they were when he
was 12.
Right, I'm like, oh my God,like I was going through that
phase of all of this is likeending oh my gosh, like our
morning talks are ending as oneof those conversations towards
(58:06):
the last couple of days ofschool and I was just like God,
I'm going to miss these so much.
And I was just like God, I'mgonna miss these so much.
And I was getting all emotional.
He's like Mom, we should justmake a podcast that.
And I was like I would totallybe down for doing a podcast
because the crazy talks that wehave people if they were in the
car, they would be like, oh mygosh, you guys are hilarious.
Speaker 3 (58:27):
That's awesome and it keeps communication open.
It creates a space for him toknow he can count on you to
communicate with you.
And that is so important, notfor it to be a special thing to
reach out to your safe adult,but to just know we've got a
time right, I know.
I can count on them.
Speaker 2 (58:44):
Absolutely.
I truly feel like just seeingthat dynamic.
I think that I worked reallyhard to make that difference,
like we always try to evolvefrom what we went through, and
the one thing that I wanted toevolve with my kids the most was
communication, because I didn'tfeel like I could be heard or I
(59:05):
could have that communicationwith my parents and I feel like
I've achieved that and I reallywant that to be an example and
it'd be funny and crazy and allthe things, and so the fact that
he was the one that mentionedit, I was like all in right,
Same me as a mom.
Speaker 3 (59:25):
You're like okay, let's do this, let's do this.
We got this.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (59:29):
Thank you so much for sharing that I'm so excited to
check it out.
Yes, this has been such anamazing conversation.
I know that your time is supervaluable, so anything else that
you feel like you need ourlisteners to hear today- If
anyone wants to learn more aboutwhat I do, they can certainly
go to wwwdrshafercedranovacom.
Speaker 3 (59:50):
Fine.
Speaker 2 (59:55):
I will put all of that in the show notes just in
case you didn't catch that.
I am so excited and I'm just, Ifeel, so blessed that we had
this conversation, that I thinkthat when energies align, when
you're in that energetic fieldof like high vibration, you
attract a lot of the people thatare in that same field of
(01:00:16):
energy, and I couldn't haveasked for a better conversation
with you.
Speaker 3 (01:00:23):
I'm so glad that we connected, thank you so much, dr
Schaefer Listeners.
Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
Amazing, amazing conversation.
I hope you got so much out ofit.
Just like I did, I will put allof our information in the show
notes, so thank you so much forlistening today.
Have an amazing rest of yourday.
Peace out, guys.
Love your life.
Bye.
Welcome back to the Against All Odds the Less Than
1% Chance podcast with your host, Maria Aponte, where we will
hear stories of incrediblepeople thriving against all odds
, and my hope is that we can allsee how life is always
happening for us, even when weare the Less Than 1% Chance.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey, hey, welcome back to, against All Odds, the
Less Than 1% Chance podcast withyour host, maria Aponte.
We have such an amazing guesttoday.
I am so excited, so welcome, drSchaefer.
She is the host of aninspirational growth, health and
healing-focused podcast calledTalks with Dr Schaefer.
(00:40):
She is amusician-turned-physician,
neurologist which is awesome Ilove anything that has to do
with the brain Certified lifecoach and publisher, and she is
passionate about helping peopleto claim their stories and
create the new next chapter ofthe life they truly want.
She has personally overcomechallenges in an abusive
(01:02):
relationship that affected herpersonal and professional life
until she took back her story,and she hasn't looked back since
.
She is really passionate aboutempowering others to do the same
and come into their fullestpotentials.
Dr Schaefer, welcome, I'm soexcited to have you.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Thank you, maria.
Thank you so much for giving methe opportunity to come on the
show and meet you.
I've enjoyed listening to yourpodcast episodes.
I feel like I know you and haveconnected with you already, so
it's so exciting to actually behere and talk to you.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Oh, thank you.
Oh my gosh, I am so honored.
Thank you so very much.
So give us a little bit ofbackstory.
What is your against all oddsstory?
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Well, I think, when we take a bird's eye view of
someone's life, we all have somany of these moments where we
can't believe we came throughthem.
But we just soldiered on right,and maybe we were striving for
accolades, right or approval.
We were seeking certain titlesor degrees to make ourselves
(02:05):
feel good because, as life hadgiven us challenges and we kept
on facing them, we didn't feelenough.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
And that sets people up for making decisions in their
lives that kind of bring themfurther and further and further
away from their true purpose andthe story that if they really
were honest with themselves, thestory they want to live and the
story they want to tell, yeah,absolutely, and so for yeah for
me.
I started out life with somechallenges and then I was
(02:38):
involved in the music industryfor quite a long time, which is
also full of, for a young womanin the music industry, lots of
risks in addition to the amazingthings that are happening, and
you maybe see some sides of thehuman condition that wouldn't be
what you would want for yourteenage daughter.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
I can only imagine we arehearing a lot of that now like
coming into light, that just,and with these documentaries and
these things that are very eyeopening, because as a teenager
I'm like, oh my God, I wish Icould sing, because I would love
(03:20):
that, and then you just neverreally know that's what's
happening behind the scenes.
So it's really it's been reallyeye opening over the last at
least year that a lot of thesestories are coming to light, and
so I can only imagine the kindof things that you had to
overcome.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah, you face a lot, and I was very often the only
woman in the room.
I felt like I was a woman.
Really, I was a girl.
I was a professional musicianfrom the age of 14 on, and so I
was in situations where, veryoften, I was the only female for
quite a while and I was makingvery adult decisions with my
(04:02):
career.
I was writing, producing,singing, playing instruments and
writing not only for myself,and producing not only for
myself but for other artists,and so I was in rooms with
people who had a lot ofauthority and power, and there
was this power imbalance, right,yeah.
And so along the road there,there certainly were things that
(04:23):
happened to me that I wouldn'twish on a young person, and
instead of really accepting thatthose things weren't my fault,
but they were things thathappened to me not because of
me- yeah.
At that young age you feel shameand you feel like things are
your fault.
(04:43):
Yeah, and what I found on myjourney then because I never
really had someone tell me thatthose things weren't my fault
and to teach me not to absorbshame.
Because I think also, you and Iare about the same generation
and I think shame was a prettysolid benchmark of parenting and
(05:03):
after growing up.
So feeling shame, especially asa young woman, about things
that occurred in your life toyou and taking that burden upon
yourself was pretty normal atthe time it was.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
I feel like we probably went through some
similar things not me not beingin the industry, obviously, but
I was sexually assaulted at 16.
And that stayed with me and Istayed quiet and I didn't say
anything because I was ashamed,because I didn't feel like I
would get that support that Ineeded, and so that transpired
(05:37):
and I this is where I learnedthat this all, like this, all
happened, yes, and it was reallyreally difficult.
But as I've healed from a lotof those wounds and a lot of
those that trauma, I see that Iwouldn't be who I am today if I
wouldn't have been able toovercome all of those things.
(05:59):
And so, as I don't believe thateverything happens for a reason
, I believe that everything hasa purpose and a meaning.
And if we can find the purposeand the meaning in the things
that we go through, then itshows you how life happened for
you and not to you.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
Yes, everything has a lesson is how I look at it.
There's always a lesson thatyou can take.
And so, when I look back toreflect on my story and your
story, when you don't have thetools to look at what's happened
to you aside from shame right,you don't have the tools to do
(06:40):
that you don't really deal withit, cope with it, it and leave
it in the past.
You carry it along with you.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
And it's coloring your interactions with the world
and it's coloring your choicesright.
You're always striving, maybefor approval, because you feel
bad and wrong on the inside,because this wouldn't have
happened to me if I wasn't thosethings right.
Or maybe you feel like you'velost some of your shine or
sparkle after some thingshappened to you, and so you seek
(07:10):
validation of that externalquality rather than seeking
partnership, someone to partneryour soul, your internal
qualities and be your partner.
So what I found was when Ireflect back, having not done
that work as a child of, likeyou said, sorting through it and
(07:31):
realizing it's not me, it'ssomething that happened to me,
and moving forward and takingthe lessons.
Instead, I was pretty woundedby everything that had happened
and making choices to try to fixmyself through external means,
and so I married very young.
I married when I was 20 to aman I really didn't know.
(07:53):
We became engaged after twoweeks of knowing one another and
to my wounded little girl soul,my teenage girl soul, was oh my
goodness, I finally foundsomeone who just loves me for
who I am, just instantly lovesme.
And as adults, we say oh, redflag.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
My daughter's 20 now and she's engaged and I'm like,
well, just wait to get marriedtill you're like 25.
Let's just hold off till you're25 for anything major marriage,
kids, anything like that andthankfully she's marriage kids,
anything like that, andthankfully she's yeah, like it's
(08:30):
it'll be okay, and she's.
I got married at 19, so I alsounderstand very young.
I had all three of my kids bythe time I was 25, so my poor
little brain was not even fullydeveloped exactly.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
Yeah, it's not by that age.
It's really not.
The decision making is not fromthe same perspective that you
have now.
It can't be.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Yeah.
So I tell her like I'm likethere's a reason that, like, car
insurance goes down at 25.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
There's a good example.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And you can rent a car at 25.
It's because at least theclosest you can be to like fully
developing in your brain andyour reaction, and her therapist
calls it the animal brain.
So if you're going to you,don't flip that lid as as easily
.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
After that development stage and as you're
saying that, I'm like, yeah, Ifeel you.
I'm like telling my daughterjust to hold on a few more years
.
There's no rush, and thenyou'll have a better career
handle on your finances.
You can have a beautifulwedding that you want, all the
things.
However, just wait.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
Exactly Well, and you can't really tell her this
because you don't want to pushthem right, you don't want to
control them or be coercive,because those of us that have
experienced that inrelationships we know that's not
, it's not effective, it's notconnecting right.
But if you could tell them,well, it takes on average two
years to get divorced.
So, you shouldn't get married.
(09:57):
I did it in three Exactly.
So two to three years to getdivorced.
So you need to be engaged fortwo to three years Just test it
out really well.
Good rule of thumb.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
I love that, that's actually a great analogy too.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
If you tell her that I don't know is that going to be
effective or not, because Ithink it's like Taylor Swift's
new song.
But, daddy, I love him.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Right, it is.
So on point, yes, absolutely,and it's it.
But it's normal If you thinkback.
Like my parents warned me andthankfully, my ex husband he's a
great man we didn't have ahorrible relationship, but by
the time I was 28, I was like Ifeel like I'm not the same
(10:46):
person I was and instead of likegrowing together, we grew apart
and there was not thatconnection anymore and I chose
to ask for the divorce because Iwas like my.
What I want is my kids to knowwhat it is to be healthy and
happy, and if I am not modelingthat like, how will I ever tell
(11:09):
them that this is what theyshould do or that this is what
they strive for?
So yeah, I, just so Iunderstand.
I didn't listen to my parents,but I think that who does?
Speaker 3 (11:21):
Yeah, I think that's just normal, well, normal, well,
no, and actually it's a prettynormal psychological development
to want to separate from yourfamily and it makes sense
because back when we lived intribes, you needed to sever ties
with your family to then goprocreate because you didn't
want to procreate with yourtribe because that would be
(11:43):
dangerous for your offspring, soyou had to have a reason to
leave.
And we as humans are so bondedto our parents.
Think about the average bondwith a parent.
If there's no abuse, or even ifthere is abuse, when there's
abuse, there's still a bond.
That is such a strong bond forso many people.
Teenage years and early 20s areabsolutely necessary to,
(12:05):
basically for the survival ofour species.
That's why it happens.
It's not.
So don't take it personal.
If your teenager is thinkingthey hate you because they don't
hate you, it's just biologysaying get away from them.
You need to separate yourselfand start your family.
But now we know we live muchlonger because we're much
healthier, we're much safer withour lives, we're not worried
(12:26):
about the saber-toothed tigereating us in our cave.
So now that we're not living to30 or 35, we can say, oh, I can
live life differently, I canallow my brain to develop fully
and then I can start my family.
Of course, that's a decisionfor everyone to make, but from a
neurologist standpoint waitinguntil your brain is fully
(12:48):
developed I certainly advocatefor that.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Excellent.
I love that.
It feels good when you're justlike.
After all of my life andeverything I've experienced, my
conclusion is that just wait.
25 seems like a good number.
My conclusion is that just wait25 seems like a good number.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
I think yeah.
What I did is I told mydaughter 30 to get married when
she's 30, which is a tough sellgiven my history, and I imagine,
given your history, that's atough sell.
But someone gave me someexcellent advice to say if you
wait until you're 30, I'll buyyour wedding dress, which is
nothing.
I mean unless they're going togo to Versace.
It's not a big deal, but tothem it's a really big deal.
(13:28):
My mom okay, I have to waituntil 30.
So someone gave me that tip andI'm going to try it.
You're fully advocating forthat tip.
I like it.
We'll see how it works.
A fellow physician mom gave methat tip, and so she and I swore
that we were going to use this.
I have three daughters, I havetwo stepdaughters and my oldest
and she has two, so we'redesperately holding on to any
(13:49):
tool we have.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah, oh yeah, I have two, two, two daughters of my
own and I have two stepdaughters, so there's four girls and two
boys.
It's.
It is definitely.
Um, I will definitely use thatas well.
I think that that's a great tip.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
It's going to be a longitudinal study to see what
percentage it works, and then wecan break down the groups.
Okay, why didn't it work?
Why did it work?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Our approach it's going to be perfect.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
We'll keep in touch over that, absolutely.
But I wanted to reflect onsomething that you said about
when you came to the realization, about your growth and what you
needed to do to facilitate that, and I just want to applaud you
for that.
And recently someone actuallyasked me if you could tell your
audience one thing, or if youcould tell your clients one
(14:41):
thing.
That's the main thing thatyou're a proponent of, the thing
that you're trying to getacross, and it was grow.
And if you can't grow where youare, go and then grow, yeah,
but at all costs grow.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Yeah, I am a huge proponent of I listen to
personal growth on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure you're familiarwith Brendan Burchard, so he
has this app called Growth Dayand I listen to it every morning
and I wake up, I put myheadphones in.
I don't turn on the phone formuch other than turning on the
(15:21):
app and listening to whateverdaily fire he has, because he
changes it on a daily basis.
Yeah, it just.
It's the first thing that I'mlistening to is goodness in my
ears, in between my ears, andand then, right after that is
done, as I'm like brushing myteeth, putting on my face creams
and all this stuff, gettingready I'm.
(15:43):
I have this app called ThinkUpand the ThinkUp app you can
record your own affirmations orvision or whatever, and it's in
your own voice.
It has, like in the background,like music or just sounds,
right, sound healing, whatever,and it you can put it on repeat
(16:04):
and it shuffles everything, andso it's what I listened to.
I listened to myself givingmyself affirmations on a daily
basis and it's listening to myvision and how I want.
I'm a number one best sellingauthor and speaker and podcaster
and like all of these thingsthat I know that I feel in my
(16:26):
heart, but it isn't for me tojust have this vision out there.
It's for me to like, constantlylisten to this and know in my
hearts of hearts that it's it'strue, yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:40):
Do you think that?
I think it's such aninteresting concept?
Because it's different thanlistening to someone else's
podcast or someone else's words.
And they may be someone else'swords, but when you're recording
them in your own voice andlistening to them repeatedly, it
just feels like it's going tohappen.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
I'm just telling myself a story that I see, a
vision that I see.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
Something that occurred to me as I was sitting
and reflecting was that you hadshared with me, in response to
something that I had shared,that you had something really
traumatic a sexual assaulthappened to you as a teenager.
And I was reflecting on thiskind of interesting shared
female experience where I didn'treally have the time to respond
(17:25):
to you just because of the waythat our conversation was going.
But I'm here nodding like samesame shared female experience
and not necessarily validatingthe experience out loud, because
I think we, as women, we oftenagain it's that shame and that
(17:48):
almost sad statistical truth ofwe expect, if we're in a room
with four women, that at leastone of them has been raped and
most likely I think those statsare probably not accurate.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
I think it's a lot more.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
So often when we hear these stories, I think,
especially as women who haveshared experiences, we're kind
of like and we don't necessarilyhave this big response of like
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry thishappened to you, but it's not
because we don't care, it'sbecause we have shared that
(18:24):
horrific experience and we don'thave to share those words.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
I know, and I think that I've been so open about my
experience in what I've gonethrough, that I feel I
understand the nod Exactly and Ithink it is so sad.
(18:50):
It is so sad I, like I was veryopen even with my kids as they
were growing up.
Obviously, to their little ears, depending on their age, they
got more and more information asmy kids hit anything like
middle school, high school, theyknew my story because I felt
like they needed to feelempowered to number one, tell me
(19:14):
if there was anything everwrong and, number two, know that
they are loved no matter what.
And because I feel like, asespecially in our generation, as
all of those things happen, itwas always like hushed or never
talked about.
And so now that I feel likewe're so much more evolved in
(19:39):
our, in our voice, I feel likethat nod is just, it is
validating, even though it's notin words but it is in.
I feel like our hearts connectbecause it's a moment that
unfortunately, so many of ushave experienced and and I
(20:03):
really do think those statisticsare very, very wrong, because
most of the women that I'vespoken to unfortunately have
gone through something like thatRight and so we don't talk
about it.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Yeah, we don't talk about it.
That just makes that statisticlower and lower and lower,
because people don't feel safe.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, I was raised in a family.
They didn't find out untilthree years after it happened
and it wasn't talked about again.
And then, when I started toheal from my own journey and
from the things that I had gonethrough, that I started to speak
up about it and understandably,I think, that my parents felt
(20:48):
and I've had this conversationwith them but they felt like
they weren't there to protecttheir baby.
Speaker 3 (20:57):
So they felt shame and guilt.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yes, and so I feel like it isn't I had.
So I had a conversation a fewyears back with my parents that
I was I want to say, through oneof my my mindset coach.
We had a conversation in agroup setting.
I am very open with my storybecause I feel like, again, the
(21:21):
more people that hear it, themore people that don't feel that
stigma of the things like youshouldn't feel ashamed.
That happened and I'm notletting that have that power
over me anymore.
So I, in a group setting, in agroup coaching call, I spoke up
about it and about how, like itjust really hurt that my parents
(21:44):
, what I, that they didn'tunderstand that what I needed in
that moment, rather thanshaming me further, was a hug
and just love.
That's all like, just tell methat you love me and that you
support me and give me a hug.
And they didn't react that wayand and so he, like, through
(22:05):
that coaching call, he was likeMaria, maybe it's time to have
that conversation with yourparents.
And I was like, but I don'twant them to feel guilty, I
don't want them to feel like I'mtelling them they were bad
parents, because I don't thinkthat they were, especially now,
as a parent.
There is no manual for this,they're all so different and
(22:27):
there's no manual on how to be aparent.
However, he was like but it'snot that, just telling them what
you needed at that time.
And you didn't receive andthankfully I had a counseling
appointment in the interim ofthat conversation happening and
she was like just be prepared tohold yourself and to hug
(22:47):
yourself and be prepared to bewhat you needed in that moment
to yourself.
Don't put any expectations onthat conversation.
Yes but it's important to have.
And so I was very it was veryscary Like I was shaking going
(23:07):
to my parents' house that dayand I just I sat them down and I
was like I just feel like Ineed to get this out.
I need to do it for my ownhealing, and I just need you to
know that in the moment that Itold you guys and I didn't tell
you guys for three years,because I knew that the way that
(23:28):
you reacted was how you weregoing to react, and I wasn't
prepared to hear that it was myfault, because it wasn't and so
in that moment, I really feltlike what I needed from you guys
that I did not get was a hugand some support and love.
And I'm not telling you thatyou guys did anything wrong
(23:51):
because you don't know how tohandle those situations.
There's no manual.
Circumstances like this happenwith anything that happens with
your child, anything thathappens with your child when
you're experiencing it for thefirst time.
You don't know what you don'tknow.
(24:11):
You don't know how to handlethat situation.
So I'm not shaming you at all,I just thank you for always
being such great parents.
In that moment, though, I neededa hug and some support.
And my mom has always been mydad was the physical touch, has
always been my dad was thephysical touch.
That was his love language, asit's my love language, and my
mom was never that at all, soshe was more like I could
(24:34):
probably count the amount oftimes that I've gotten embraced
and she was the first one togive me a hug and I broke down
because I wasn't expecting it.
I was fully just expecting meto, like, leave and go to the
park or something and just hugmyself and be there for myself
(24:56):
and it was beautiful experience.
But we don't talk about itbecause it's this shame all
across the board.
It's a shame for them.
They weren't there to protectme.
It's shame for me because Ifelt in that moment that it was
my fault, like it was.
It's just such a.
It's just a very interestingsubject matter because it always
(25:22):
has so much emotion attached toeverything.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
And emotion was exactly the word that was coming
to my mind and the thought that, had we had better training and
vocabulary around emotions whenwe were younger people, you
could have saved yourself a lotof pain and anguish.
If you could have, on shortorder, turned to your parents
(25:50):
and said listen, you guys aregreat parents, I love you.
This is hurting me further.
This is how I'm experiencingwhat you're telling me right now
.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
And I don't need this .
What I need is love.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (26:04):
And if they had been faced with that, like if they
had understood in that momentthat they were hurting you
further, knowing full and wellfrom what you're sharing that
they love you, and that theywere willing to take a step back
and meet you once theyunderstood how you were
experiencing it you once theyunderstood how you were
experiencing it If we can giftthat to our children, to this up
(26:25):
and coming generation moreemotional intelligence and
emotional regulation andcommunication, and willingness
to speak up when theirboundaries are being crossed,
willingness to speak up whenthey are feeling that they are
being harmed and listen to theirgut they are feeling that they
are being harmed and listen totheir gut what an amazing gift.
How much less emotionaldistress will they feel?
(26:47):
Because if you'd had thatlanguage, if that had been
modeled for you and you'd hadthat conversation, what would
that have looked like?
And now as a grown adult.
You had that and it went somuch better than you could have
expected.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Yeah, I was definitely relieved in so many
ways and it doesn't go like thatfor everyone.
So I that was the, I guess, theideal outcome.
However, I agree, and evenbetween my children my
20-year-old, her emotionalintelligence compared to my
(27:24):
15-year-old that got a lot moretime of my healed self, is so
different, so vastly different,seen the evolved version of me
as a parent and how it took meso many years to heal me.
(27:46):
And when I was in a more healedstate, my little one, my
youngest, got so much more ofthat than what my two older ones
got.
And so, in very like, theirtherapy appointments are so
(28:06):
vastly different and it's andyou could tell that difference
like how my 15 year old can veryeasily articulate her emotions
and my 20 year old still has alittle bit of that problem of
articulating what she's feeling.
She just shuts down.
So it's very interesting.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
But, yeah, I think that that's the beauty of us
healing that our kids couldlearn a little bit more of that
language absolutely andAbsolutely, and I've had the
opportunity to speak through myshow with so many specialists in
helping kids regulate theiremotions, specifically
(28:49):
therapists, authors who writebooks from a therapeutic
standpoint to try to help withemotional regulation.
And the unifying thread ofmanaging these relationships
with our children is not so muchhelping the child who's
(29:09):
neurodivergent or helping thechild who's failing in school.
How can we get them doingbetter at math?
How can we fix this?
Let's hire a tutor, let's do X,y, z, let's cut out the iPad
and make them stay home on theweekends.
And that's not the solution.
The solution is parentingourselves and then trying to
(29:32):
show up for our kids in a healedway, and that will fix so much
of it, because so much of it isour reactions to the problem,
more so than the problem.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Yes, oh my gosh, I feel like we are so connected.
I feel like you've been in myhead.
This is so cool because I didexperience like a similar
situation between when my 20year old was 15 and my now 15
(30:03):
year old very, very similarsituations, and I reacted very,
very differently, like I wasparenting me.
I showed up to my youngest, asI would have needed my parent to
show up for me, my youngest, asI would have needed my parent
to show up for me.
Yeah, and it was mind blowingthe difference in just my own
(30:29):
peace of mind and how it didn'ttake that power away from me.
It was so more power.
Exactly, it helped me keep thatpower in my own emotions.
It was that simple in my ownemotions, and so her reaction to
(30:50):
it was more like well, mom didnot react like she did with my
older sister.
Sister, this is a differentversion of mom, like I think she
was a little confused, but Ithink that it created a more
easier conversation between thetwo of us.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Yeah, and I think sometimes, as parents, it's easy
to feel shame as to whycouldn't I show up the same
exact way when I was you werestill a baby when you have
babies.
Of course you couldn't show upas as you do now.
That it's not.
It's not possible.
That expectation is not.
It doesn't fit.
So we don't look at the numberthree and get angry with it that
(31:31):
it's not four, right?
So if we have an equation, sothe equation is be a mom and
it's blank plus two equals six,but you're a three because
you're not to four yet, right,you haven't grown.
This is what you are.
And we plug you in the equationthree plus two equals.
Oh no, it doesn't equal six.
(31:52):
We don't get mad at three,we're just like.
It doesn't fit, move along,it's not the right number.
Yet with ourselves, we expectourselves to show up as
something that we're not, thatwe haven't had the opportunity
to grow into, and it's I don'tlike the word fair, but it is
truly, really unfair.
It's not an expectation that wecan meet and it sets us up for
(32:14):
feeling shame, and shame doesabsolutely nothing for us.
And it made me think when youwere discussing your reactions
with your children.
And as we grow, we tend torespond rather than react.
But especially when we'reyounger or we're still coping
with a lot of things, we'reunder a lot of stress.
Our nervous system, our brainis in charge of everything.
(32:38):
Right, I'm a neurologist somaybe I'm biased, but it is the
most important part of us.
It's what makes us right.
And if our neurochemicals, ourbrain, is dysregulated and, as
you were talking about earlier,we're in the reptilian brain
activating stage, if we're inour limbic system, our agitation
(33:01):
, anger, frustration, fight orflight system and we stay in
that system, it's like a tirethat's just getting deeper and
deeper into the mud.
We have to break that habit toget out.
And you're deep right.
So you're going to have tobuild up on that.
You're going to have to buildnew habits, new patterns.
You're going to have to learnhow to respond rather than to
(33:22):
react.
And it's not immediate, itrequires neurodevelopmental
changes, like you have to growup right, you have to choose
yourself, you have to chooseyour health.
You have to go if you can'tgrow right, because if you're in
an environment where you're notsafe, where your basic needs
are not being met, you can'tgrow to be the mom, the person
(33:46):
you want to be.
So it's just so important andthat's why I do the work I do in
life coaching, as well as withtalks with Dr Schaefer and my
community and writing we Don'tTell Our Stories is to really
try to educate people about theneed for their health, to work
on mindset, to work on growth,to work on self-awareness and
(34:10):
regulation.
Because, as a neurologist, ifyou come to me for headaches or
for seizures, which you takesimilar medications often for
both of these disorders If youcome to me and I give you a
prescription and I tell you makesure you're sleeping and eating
and drinking enough water, andall that and don't do X, y, z,
(34:31):
but then you go home to anunsafe environment where you
can't sleep well, or maybeyou're being bullied at school,
right?
Or maybe you're in a toxicsituation at work and you're
always stressed, not sleepingwell, not eating well, and your
body is in a constant state offight or flight.
It doesn't matter what Iprescribe to you, it's not going
(34:54):
to be as effective, it's notgoing to be as helpful as if you
were in a regulated state whereyour brain and body weren't
constantly focused on.
I just need to be safe, yeah,and so that's a part of why I'm
so passionate about havingconversations about meeting
these needs and working on ourmindset and working on growth,
(35:17):
because we can spend as muchmoney as we want on the creams
and the devices and themedicines and all of those
things, but we really need to,as a group.
Just come back to a place ofhealth in our mindset and our
lives.
Before we can really achievethe health and wellness that we
(35:39):
want and that we're franklyspending so much time and money
trying to achieve, we need towork on ourselves first.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Yeah, absolutely.
I am in the health and wellnessspace as well.
Nine years ago I had cervicalcancer and I was depressed and I
was a single mom of three kids.
My oldest daughter had justbeen diagnosed bipolar.
I don't think that's the case.
I don't think that's what sheis, but she was like 12 at the
(36:06):
time and it was like such anearly diagnosis but I was at my
wit's end, didn't know how tohandle.
Like I was traveling for work,it was just all of the things
right.
There was so much dis-ease, allof the things.
Another one of those nod moments, right Like huh, all those
things, yes, and there was somuch dis-ease All of the things,
another one of those nodmoments, right, all those things
(36:27):
, yes, and there was so muchdis-ease in my body that it was
creating this disease, and so Ihad a surgery in June and by
August I was like spiraling withthe depression, with the weight
gain, with everything.
And I found something that Iwas able to do from home, that I
wasn't going to just leavethree little kids home by
themselves.
Something that I was able to dofrom home, that I wasn't going
to just leave three little kidshome by themselves, so I could
go to a gym, right.
So I figured out what I coulddo and so I found it.
(36:50):
I found the tools.
It was like the workouts andthe nutrition and great
supplements Amazing.
And I could make a business outof it.
Great.
And it had community and all ofthat.
One of the major things that wasdifferent between just being a
customer and partnering withthis company was that, as a
(37:12):
partner, they encouraged thatone of our vital behaviors was
personal growth, and it changedthe game for me.
Yeah, the moment that I startedto, I didn't even know who Tony
Robbins was, and the moment thatI started to hear just things
like progress equals happiness,and I was progressing in my own
(37:34):
health and I was like, oh mygosh, and I felt this difference
in me that was so big, it waswhole health.
At that moment, it was my mindthat, even through the hard
moments because I had a secondcancer diagnosis that year and
and I was able to lean into thatcommunity and say, feel like I
(37:57):
want to give up and they werelike, no, no, no, you're.
You've been like doing so goodfor a whole month and a half,
like when was the last time youwere able to do that?
And so I stuck through it andthe workouts were there, the
nutrition was there, yeah,completely changed my lifestyle.
The supplements were there, themindset changed everything,
(38:20):
because it showed me that Icould get through the hard days
and that I could continue toevolve and get better and heal.
And I was like what ishappening?
And when I ended up having afull hysterectomy at the end of
the year, in December of thatyear, and a week later when I
was getting the pathology report, the doctor sat me down.
(38:41):
He's like Maria, there's zerosigns of cancer.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
That's amazing.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
I don't think that combination was a coincidence.
I think the combination of allof the things like I worked here
, I worked what was going in mybody, like it was the
combination, the community, the,the mindset, everything, all of
the things that I did to changemy lifestyle saved my life.
Speaker 3 (39:08):
Yeah, it really does, and it's really funny because
you're passionate aboutpodcasting, I'm passionate about
podcasting and we are in part.
Both of us have had a sharedexperience of literally having
our lives saved by a podcast.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
Isn't that crazy, isn't it amazing.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
It is so cool.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
It's true, and it's so inspiring and when you see
the power of connection and ofstorytelling and of saying, hey,
I know there are a millionpeople that are out here talking
and sharing their stories, butjust in case this helps one
person, I'm going to tell thisstory because I know one other
person saved my life and it'sworth it, and so that's so
powerful and I'm just so happyto hear that you came through
(39:51):
and to just to validate whatyou're saying.
Of course, in medicine weunderstand not to the fullest,
that we will with research butwe do know that nutrition, sleep
, mental health those are veryimportant because the stress
hormones we have and we're notminding those and the
deleterious things from a poordiet, they actually act against
(40:13):
your body, they act against yourcells, they act against the
cells, the natural killer cellsthat are there to help fight
cancer.
So so we know you have to bedoing these things if you want
to have the best chance forsurvival and just for health in
general.
So, you're absolutely right andI am just so glad that was the
outcome for you and for yourkids, because they need mom.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Yeah, it's definitely been such a incredible like
sometimes I look back and I'mlike whoa that just I need to
write a book.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
You do Send me send me a copy.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
I love editing, so I'd be like honored to get the
opportunity to get a pre-read.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
That would be amazing .
I just really I need to hear,though how did you go from
musician to neurologist?
Because yeah, that's prettydifferent.
Speaker 3 (41:09):
It's a jump.
Right, it's a jump.
It's a jump as I was leadinginto.
I got married very young and Imarried someone who really liked
to be in charge of things, andalthough I had, I was really
beginning to get some tractionand some real success in my
musical career.
And I had all these amazingoffers and they told me well, I
(41:31):
don't think that's a good familycareer.
Okay, so I gave it all up.
I was supposed to be startingat the New York University
School of Music business totransition also from being a
performer as well to being onthe business side more, and so
it was such an exciting time inmy life.
But here there was thisauthority figure and with
everything I get experiencegoing into it, I really
(41:51):
forfeited my choice in thatmoment and that's the choice I
made.
And so then I moved back to theMidwest from New York City,
where I'd been living for yearsand I really didn't know what I
was going to do with my life,and I started studying
psychology.
I was working in the psychologydepartment, teaching and doing
(42:13):
research.
I was doing research at theKinsey Institute, all these
amazing things and was told Ishould be a psychiatrist, and so
I applied to one medical schooland I got into that medical
school and went to medicalschool, medical school and went
(42:34):
to medical school and while Iwas there I just fell in love
with neurology.
And when you're in medicalschool it's really interesting.
One of the ways I think manypeople choose their profession
is the patients that you justcan't wait to spend time with
them, right when you're on.
We call them rotations, and youspend one, two, three months
with within a specialty to seeif it's a good fit for you.
And I went to medical schoolthinking I'd be a psychiatrist.
(42:59):
When I was in medical school, Iactually started preparing to be
a dermatologist and I dideverything I needed.
I did the research, I was thetop 5% of my class, I did all
the things that you need to doto get into dermatology because
it's quite competitive, and so Iwas the top 5% of my class.
I did all the things that youneed to do to get into
dermatology because it's quitecompetitive, and so I was all
ready to go into thiscompetitive field.
And then, when I was athird-year medical student, I
did my first neurology rotationand it was like snap, oh man.
(43:22):
Well, I know I did all of thatpreparation for dermatology.
But I'm a neurologist, that'swhat I am.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
I love that, so I'm a neurologist.
Speaker 3 (43:30):
That's what I am.
So I went into neurology and Iabsolutely love it.
It's such a good fit for mypersonality and I just I love
spending time with neurologicalpatients.
But then I jokingly call myselfthe queen of pivot, because
life has been this way.
Life led to even more pivots.
(43:50):
My life was really more andmore controlled over time until
it was to the point where theonly thing that was permitted
for me was to work for thisother person and not to actually
have a career outside of theircontrol.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
And so that had occurred, and I didn't even have
any money coming to me.
Any money that I made throughthat job was going directly into
a retirement account that I hadno control over.
So here I'd gone from a highlytrained, autonomous person to
this person who had no autonomy,but I still loved my life,
(44:31):
because I just loved my childrenmore than anything, and I think
they are what really got methrough so much of what I'd been
through and kept me going.
And then two things, though,really saved my life, because it
was just becoming unsustainablewhat I was experiencing, and
(44:51):
those two things were one.
My best friend finally becameaware of what was going on and
asked me one simple question Doyou know that you matter?
You matter, and no one had eversaid that to me in my entire
life.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
It was like acknowledging your existence.
Speaker 3 (45:10):
Literally, that I mattered, that my thoughts,
feelings and needs mattered, andit was the first time anyone
had ever said or asked me thatquestion and that rocked my soul
.
And another thing that happenedwas I started.
I don't even know how Ihappened upon this podcast, but
I happened upon Les Carter, whois a therapist who works in
(45:35):
educating about coercive control, about the controlling people
in your life.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (45:41):
And I couldn't get enough and I would just have my
earbud in and just listen andlisten and listen.
And I learned about controllingpeople.
But I also learned, moreimportantly, so much about what,
how I was showing up, andlearned how to become stronger
so that I could show up formyself and my kids as myself and
(46:06):
really reclaim my life.
And so I moved forward and Idid take the really difficult,
challenging and often veryfrightening steps that it took
to achieve that and it wasreally difficult.
It reminds me of that likeTikTok thing where they say I
don't know how I did it, I justdid it.
(46:26):
It was hard yeah.
Speaker 2 (46:28):
It just.
It's literally like one foot infront of the other.
Speaker 3 (46:31):
You have you just do it.
You just do it, so I didn'teven know what to expect, You're
just like okay.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
So, if my right foot can get in front of my left foot
, yes, we're moving forward.
If my left foot can get infront of my right foot, then
we're going somewhere and everyday looks different.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
Right, there may be months in your healing process
and growth process where you canbarely get out of bed, and
that's actually okay.
You need to rest.
Once you really allow the, onceyou acknowledge what's happened
to you because you've beenboxing that up, you haven't been
acknowledging it.
Once you really acknowledge it,that process is really tiring.
It requires a lot of effort andenergy and healing and we heal
(47:19):
our body heals when we sleep.
We grow when we sleep and sowhen you're going through
traumatic times in your life, apart of that growth is going to
be you have to rest and pleasedon't shame yourself.
When you need to rest, Justlean into it and say this is
what my body needs and I loveand I trust my body and I'm
going to give it what it needs.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
Yeah, I, yeah, I can't even say yes.
Enough for that.
I'm dealing with evenpostmenopausal issues now and I
had kept it at bay for so longand I feel I was telling one of
my friends the other day I justI don't feel like me.
I'm always go, go, go and Ijust really just want to rest
(48:01):
right now and I am so valuingjust the sleep and I know that
it's like my adrenals need itbig time and like my body is
literally like telling me Maria,stop it right now, like you
need to just take it easy and bekind and just let yourself rest
(48:24):
.
And so that has been a bit of ashift, because I was a single
mom for many years and it waslike I had no other choice but
to just go, go, go.
Speaker 3 (48:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
And now that it's so funny.
I was just always somebody thatI was very independent from the
get go and and I have beenindependent for so long that
when you have someone that youcan depend on, it's really,
really hard to just allow thatto happen.
(48:59):
And it's scary and it feels soout of body that you it's like
this internal fight, oh, butthis isn't me, oh, but it's so
mind-boggling to me.
But when you finally allowyourself to just say can you
(49:21):
just get me for a little bit,can you just be there?
Speaker 3 (49:25):
I'm tapping out.
I'm tapping out you're in likecan you just?
Speaker 2 (49:30):
can this just be a thing?
Can you?
Can I just tap out?
I've never been able to tap out.
So tapping out, you're in.
Can this just be a thing?
Can I just tap out?
I've never been able to tap out.
So, tapping out is just weird.
But I'm tapping out, Can youjust tap in please?
Yeah, it's really mind blowingwhen that can actually be a
thing.
Speaker 3 (49:45):
It is, and it requires two things a partner
you trust and trusting yourself.
Speaker 2 (49:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was literally crying to twoof my best friends a few weeks
ago.
Speaker 1 (49:55):
I was just like I just don't feel like me anymore
and I feel like I'm losingmyself.
Speaker 2 (50:01):
And I know that it's.
My estrogen levels are likebelow postmenopausal average,
like it's they're down, and mycortisol levels like um, I am
working with a hormonespecialist and she was like
adrenal fatigue.
You're there, this is what'shappening and your body is maria
(50:21):
.
You need to take it easy andI'm like but I have this brain
fog.
I need to maybe just honor thefact that I do need to take some
rest yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (50:31):
Yeah, it's like we said, like the number three,
it's the number three.
Are we going to be mad at thenumber three?
Are we going to be like you'renumber three, that's where we
are right now, or do we get madthat the flower needs to be
watered?
Speaker 2 (50:41):
Yeah, You've got to water the flower.
You need to rest.
Speaker 3 (50:45):
You have to take care of your needs and your needs
are different and I think,especially when you've been
super mom for so long, it is sohard to attend to your needs.
But that's a part of ongoinggrowth.
And you do so much growth andyou think like, okay, I've got
it now but then you meet a newchallenge and you feel those
similar pulls, those pangs, andit's I call it the trigger
(51:08):
detector.
It's telling you like oops.
So when you are feeling upsetthat you have this need right
and instead of just meeting theneed, you're fighting the need,
okay, that's the triggerdetector, it's going off.
Speaker 2 (51:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (51:20):
So we can run away from it, or we can say, okay,
what is this telling?
Speaker 2 (51:25):
me.
I'm leaning in.
Speaker 3 (51:27):
Yeah, I'm leaning in, I'm going to meet the need and
I'm going to just see what's theworst that can happen by seeing
what happens if I meet thisneed.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
Oh my gosh, so good, it's so good.
So tell our list.
We have talks with Dr Schaefer.
There's another podcast, Ibelieve right.
Speaker 3 (51:47):
My daughter's podcast .
Yeah, I would be so thrilled ifanyone has kids or loves
reading.
Check out what's up youngauthors.
I'm going to plug it way morethan I plug talks with Dr
Schaefer, because like that'sold news.
Right, that's my podcast.
I'm going to plug my daughter'spodcast, so she is.
It's as a part of my healingjourney and her healing journey,
(52:10):
because we were going throughthis together and she was old
enough to really be experiencingit, right?
So when she was eight, sheactually wrote her first book
and, with the help of a friend,she published it.
Oh my gosh.
And then we just went to ourlocal bookstore and we said, hey
, would you just put a fewcopies in here so that she can
(52:31):
send her friends to get it?
And they did.
They so graciously agreed andwe put it in the store and then
they were gone.
And then they said, hey, couldyou bring by more books?
Sure, sure, we'll bring by afew more.
And then the next week, hey,can you bring back double books
Because they're gone again.
And this just kept on happening.
(52:58):
I have goosebumps.
It became.
The wonderful thing was I wantedit to not be the year that her
parents went through aseparation, right, I wanted it
to be the year that she wrote abook.
Yeah, and that's what I wantedit to be.
But then she wrote another bookand then another book, and
that's going to be coming outanother book and then another
book, and that's going to becoming out.
So she wrote Fox Tales, foxTales 2, and this fall Wolf
Tales will be coming out in thisbeautiful, beautiful series.
Actually, I don't know if youshould have a video but I have a
(53:22):
picture.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
This is her Fox Tales , right here.
It's so beautiful.
Oh my God, that is gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (53:25):
Her stuff really is gorgeous.
That's my little baby rightthere.
Speaker 2 (53:28):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3 (53:30):
Isn't she beautiful?
Speaker 2 (53:30):
She is absolutely gorgeous, so I'm I want the link
.
If there's a link to it, I willput it in the show notes.
Speaker 3 (53:39):
Her website is wwwomelieanastasiacom, and I'll
send that too for the show notes.
But the really exciting thingabout her and I'm really sharing
it, not even so much to plug it, but because it's just evidence
of what happens when you growas a parent what happens around
you, right, it's infectious.
So not only was it not the yearthat this happened, this bad
(54:01):
thing happened, it was the yearthat she published a book, then
she published another and nowshe's publishing her third.
She's writing a book to helpraise money for the Humane
Society this year as well, afourth book, and we'll be
working with our local chapterto help them raise money.
And she also was doing a TVspot for PR for Fox Tales 2 this
(54:22):
spring and she came off of thestage and she was like mom, that
was amazing, when can I do thatagain?
Now, can I do it now?
And I said well, we live inNorthern Michigan so it might be
hard for mom to find youanother TV spot now, but let's
spitball that talk and figurethis out.
And she said well, you have apodcast.
(54:44):
What if I had a podcast where Iinterview other young authors
so that they have an opportunityto show their strength, the
power of their voice and spreadtheir message and promote their
work to other young people?
Speaker 2 (54:59):
Oh my God, I love her .
I want to meet her.
Speaker 3 (55:02):
Yeah, she's amazing.
So she did that, and then thatwasn't enough.
Then she said with my secondbook and my third book, I really
want to start raising moneybecause I feel like I'm not
doing enough for wildlife.
I want to start raising moneyto help create a wildlife
preserve for animals like thecharacters in my book, and so
that's something else that westarted doing this year too, all
(55:24):
just as a side effect of medeciding to live my life and do
it in a really outwardly visibleway.
Speaker 2 (55:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
So that my daughter then saw that Be authentically
you.
Speaker 3 (55:38):
Yeah, be me.
My daughter saw that and shewas inspired and it inspired her
to not be like me but to beherself which is all I want for
my kids is for them to beunapologetically themselves.
And that's what I want for mylisteners and for anyone I meet
to grow and to be yourself.
Speaker 2 (55:58):
I love that so much.
How old is she?
Speaker 3 (56:02):
She's 10.
Speaker 2 (56:03):
Oh my gosh, I have goosebumps.
That is like amazing.
Oh my gosh, that is likeamazing.
Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of herand I don't even know her.
I love that so very much.
Yeah, I truly feel like usbeing able to be our authentic
selves gives them the permissionthat they need to say oh well,
(56:25):
if mom can do it.
And I have a saying to my kids,and I just have a very candid
relationship with my kids and mybiggest advice to them, when
they leave my car, the house,whatever is don't do stupid shit
.
Make good choices make goodchoices.
Yeah, I think that the don't dostupid shit is just funny,
(56:48):
because if you have to think, isthis stupid, it's probably
stupid, so it's point.
Yeah, and they're all like 15and over.
Speaker 3 (56:57):
Now I, they're in the season of making bad choices
exactly right.
Speaker 2 (57:02):
so I did a reel on Instagram like a few weeks ago,
and it was talking about the oneadvice that I tell my kids
every time they leave the house,the car, whatever.
And I kind of like paused and Isaid don't do stupid shit.
And so I got the reaction of myson listening to the reel and
(57:25):
in that pause he was like don'tdo stupid shit.
And so I think we're goinggonna end up doing a podcast
together called don't do stupidshit that is so fun.
I will definitely listen to thatso excited because he just
graduated high school and weused to have our car talks in
(57:45):
the morning.
They were my favorite.
We just were very candid.
I don't sugarcoat things.
He's 18.
The conversations are waydifferent than they were when he
was 12.
Right, I'm like, oh my God,like I was going through that
phase of all of this is likeending oh my gosh, like our
morning talks are ending as oneof those conversations towards
(58:06):
the last couple of days ofschool and I was just like God,
I'm going to miss these so much.
And I was just like God, I'mgonna miss these so much.
And I was getting all emotional.
He's like Mom, we should justmake a podcast that.
And I was like I would totallybe down for doing a podcast
because the crazy talks that wehave people if they were in the
car, they would be like, oh mygosh, you guys are hilarious.
Speaker 3 (58:27):
That's awesome and it keeps communication open.
It creates a space for him toknow he can count on you to
communicate with you.
And that is so important, notfor it to be a special thing to
reach out to your safe adult,but to just know we've got a
time right, I know.
I can count on them.
Speaker 2 (58:44):
Absolutely.
I truly feel like just seeingthat dynamic.
I think that I worked reallyhard to make that difference,
like we always try to evolvefrom what we went through, and
the one thing that I wanted toevolve with my kids the most was
communication, because I didn'tfeel like I could be heard or I
(59:05):
could have that communicationwith my parents and I feel like
I've achieved that and I reallywant that to be an example and
it'd be funny and crazy and allthe things, and so the fact that
he was the one that mentionedit, I was like all in right,
Same me as a mom.
Speaker 3 (59:25):
You're like okay, let's do this, let's do this.
We got this.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (59:29):
Thank you so much for sharing that I'm so excited to
check it out.
Yes, this has been such anamazing conversation.
I know that your time is supervaluable, so anything else that
you feel like you need ourlisteners to hear today- If
anyone wants to learn more aboutwhat I do, they can certainly
go to wwwdrshafercedranovacom.
Speaker 3 (59:50):
Fine.
Speaker 2 (59:55):
I will put all of that in the show notes just in
case you didn't catch that.
I am so excited and I'm just, Ifeel, so blessed that we had
this conversation, that I thinkthat when energies align, when
you're in that energetic fieldof like high vibration, you
attract a lot of the people thatare in that same field of
(01:00:16):
energy, and I couldn't haveasked for a better conversation
with you.
Speaker 3 (01:00:23):
I'm so glad that we connected, thank you so much, dr
Schaefer Listeners.
Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
Amazing, amazing conversation.
I hope you got so much out ofit.
Just like I did, I will put allof our information in the show
notes, so thank you so much forlistening today.
Have an amazing rest of yourday.
Peace out, guys.
Love your life.
Bye.
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