February 22, 2022 • 35 mins
In this episode TRF agents Jennifer Chevais, Tasneem Motala, Natalie Kimber, Kathryn Willms, and moderator Sam Hiyate respond to your audio pitches, focusing on what we like and what could be improved. The pitches we review are: GOOD GIRL GONE by Larissa Benfey, UNTITLED by S.A. Baker, OUR NEVERLAND by Zenobia Crow, Fletcher's Bird by Danielle Zell, NOM DE PLUME by Lisa Marie Potter and Amanda Nelson and OF RUST AND STARDUST by Catherine Kraus.
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Sam Hiyate (00:06):
Hi everyone, I'm Sam Hiyate and welcome to our show.
For our last episode of theseason, we thought we'd do
something a little special.
So for a couple of weeks now,we've put out a call for
60-second book pitches viaaudio.
The response was fantastic.
So we then selected six of thosepitches, and on this episode,
we're going to listen to themtogether with you.
(00:28):
And four Rights Factory agentsare going to give their opinion
on what works in the pitches andwhat could be improved.
Hello everybody.
I'm going to introduce our panelof agents.
First up, we have NatalieKimber.
Natalie Kimber (00:45):
Hey everybody.
Sam Hiyate (00:46):
Uh, next up is Tasneem Motala.
Tasneem Motala (00:48):
Hello.
Sam Hiyate (00:49):
Kathryn Willms.
Kathryn Willms (00:50):
Hello.
Sam Hiyate (00:51):
and Jennifer Chevais.
Jennifer Chevais (00:53):
Hello.
Sam Hiyate (00:55):
Okay.
So, well, here's a question.
What do you guys think is onekey element that every pitch
needs.
I'll start with Natalie.
Natalie Kimber (01:04):
An awesome hook.
Even if you take a compellingline from the manuscript, a
short, punchy voicey, awesomehook, to start us off.
Sam Hiyate (01:15):
Great.
Jennifer?
Jennifer Chevais (01:17):
Clear stakes.
What's happening.
Why does it matter?
Sam Hiyate (01:21):
We've got a hook, we've got clear stakes--
Tasneem?
Tasneem Motala (01:26):
Stakes are great.
I agree.
But I also feel like there's adifference between stakes in a
plot and character stakes.
If I can care about thecharacter, I'm already in.
Sam Hiyate (01:36):
Awesome.
I'm gonna throw mine in, whichis: I want to know why I should
care about the characters.
So I want to know, is thissomebody that I should like, or
is this like an anti-herocharacter, somebody that I
should dislike?
And I like, one of the reasonswhy I'm in this business is
because I like to see people whohave good values succeed against
(01:59):
everything.
And I always tell people thatthe meta-villain of every story
is always the same thing, andthat is despair.
So there's got to be an elementof hope.
There's gotta be somebody thatyou like, and then you've gotta
ultimately fight the villain ofdespair in every story.
Kathryn, I saved you for the endbecause I figured you'd have an
answer to this.
Kathryn Willms (02:20):
Yeah, f or me, it's conflict.
I think that-- it's such ascreenwriting thing, but that's
what screenplays-- goodscreenplays-- really get right
is that central conflict.
What is it that stands betweenthe main character and their
goal and, who, and if you havethat piece, then you have the
stakes and you have a way for acharacter to progress.
(02:44):
And you have a story.
Sam Hiyate (02:45):
Great.
Okay.
So first up we have LarissaBenfey.
Let's hear her pitch.
Larissa Benfey (02:55):
It takes a special kind of ineptitude to
stumble into a kidnapping, butthen to become an impromptu
target yourself?
Now that's just bad luck.
For 15 year-old Lucy Warren, herabduction is just the tip of the
iceberg or rather the rabbithole into Wonderland.
That is, if by Wonderland, youmean the criminal underworld of
Boston led by a killer kingpinwho'd put the Queen of Hearts to
shame, and complete with a whiterabbit who might just win Lucy's
(03:18):
heart.
Unfortunately for Lucy, there'sno climbing out of the rabbit
hole.
There's no going back to her oldlife because that kingpin
terrorizing the streets ofBoston-- he's Lucy's new
stepbrother, Ethan Burke.
When a dangerous rival fromEthan's past resurfaces hell
bent on hurting Ethan, Lucydiscovers she may be the only
person capable of saving herstepbrother, but the question
(03:40):
becomes, does she want to?
Good Girl Gone is a 90,000 wordYA crossover, which at its core
is a story about family.
Lucy eventually realizes thatfamily isn't the people you
share blood ties with, but thepeople you'd shed blood for.
Sam Hiyate (03:56):
All right.
So I feel like this is a YAproject, but it's not entirely
clear.
Jennifer Chevais (04:01):
I really liked the fact that she dove right
into the character stakes reallyquickly and that there was a
cross sort of mix with like afairytale and bringing it it
into the underworld.
(04:21):
Which is, I mean, Wonderland isnot actually that great of a
place.
And this was a reallyinteresting cross for me.
Tasneem Motala (04:30):
Yes, same here.
I really liked the fact that itgot into the protagonist stakes,
really quickly and right away.
And I don't know, I'm always asucker for gang stories,
criminal syndicates, undergroundstuff.
So that was really interestingto me.
I think that it's important,about the character stakes
though, because I find that somany pitches I get, in my Query
(04:50):
Manager tend to completely missthem and it's super easy to get
invested and want to read thesample if I know what the stakes
are.
First, the one thing that Ididn't really understand is the
kidnapping at the start-- shewitnesses one-- and then gets
kidnapped, but then her brotheris the crime Lord.
(05:11):
So I was wondering how that tiesin.
I feel like that's just aquestion that needs to be like a
bit more clarified for me, buteverything else about this was
amazing.
Sam Hiyate (05:20):
Terrific.
Jennifer, was there anything youthought could be improved?
Jennifer Chevais (05:23):
I thought that the hook was a little confusing,
like Tasneem, I wasn't sureexactly if she was the one that
had been kidnapped at thebeginning and then was abducted
again by a rival crime lord.
I had to listen to it a fewtimes to catch exactly what was
going on.
Sam Hiyate (05:42):
What did you guys think of the title?
I kind of like the title,though.
Good Girl Gone.
It's kind of like a play on GoneGirl.
Tasneem Motala (05:49):
Yeah.
That's what I thought too,actually.
Just in terms of the titlealone.
I think it's interesting too,because it's Good Girl Gone and
she has a new stepbrother who'sa literal crime lord.
So it's like, how did thathappen?
How did she go from good to likebasically in the middle of all
of this.
That was really cool.
Natalie Kimber (06:07):
Hey guys, it's Nat and I was going to jump in
here because even though I lookat mostly adult stuff, I do like
YA from time to time, and thisis a YA crossover.
And first, I do like that thehook came right up front and it
was interesting.
Although I kind of agree withTasneem and Jen that it doesn't
tie in enough, or be explainedenough, but it does kind of hit
(06:31):
you right away.
Other than that, I feel likeLarissa covered a lot of ground
here.
She covered the word count.
She covered the plot, shecovered her main character, the
title, which is great and doesexactly what it should for the
book.
And I love that you have acharacter who starts off good.
She gets into this situationwhere there's an obvious
(06:51):
antagonist, her stepbrother, andthen there ends up being other
people who come around and makeher revisit what she thinks is
good and evil.
And, you know, that's sort of,my enemy's enemy is my friend
idea, where she might end uphaving a better relationship
with her stepbrother towards theend.
And finding out where her truealliances are or where her true
(07:15):
sense of morality is.
So that sounds like some themesthat I would definitely want to
read into.
And this is something I woulddefinitely want to see.
Sam Hiyate (07:24):
Awesome.
Okay.
Let's move on.
Next up is, uh, the, one of the,actually the shortest pitch we
got, which is Scott Baker, let'slisten to that one
S.A. Baker (07:34):
Frankenstein from the creations point of view, but
what would happen?
How would he turn out?
Someone broke the cycle ofhatred violence and showed him
kindness instead.
Sam Hiyate (07:42):
Okay.
So who wants to go first?
Kathryn Willms (07:44):
Yeah, I'll jump in on this one.
So I love a, what if scenario,um, and imaginative retelling,
that's very fun and I loveFrankenstein.
Uh, I still think it's just oneof those, uh, those smart texts
that's emblematic of our, thedebates of our time.
Uh, so I thought the, uh, thethought experiment set up was,
was great.
Um, obviously this is quiteshort.
(08:06):
Um, so I do think that, uh, youknow, immediately you're like,
what else happens?
And, um, I think one of thethings here I was like, is it,
is it a buddy comedy?
Do, is it like a retro sci-filike everyone has a monster and
they play with them is themonster like getting drunk of
parties and causing like socialanxiety.
I'm like, I just was like, whatis the genre of this book?
(08:26):
What will happen?
Like, am I, am I reading a, acomedy, a, a fable dressed up as
a philosophical tree tease?
Um, I just felt like I wasn'tsure.
And I think the big thing, and Ithink it's one actually that I
see it in a few of the other arepitches as well.
And I think it's something forwriters always to think about in
their pitches is what's theconflict there needs to be.
It needs to be clear thatthere's going to be something
(08:49):
that people have to overcomeeither internally or externally.
And in this case, I'm like, ifeveryone's nice to the monster,
it's unclear where the conflictis going to, uh, arise.
So, um, I think that would bethe thing that I would, you
know, obviously I'm sure theauthor or the writer knows, but,
uh, that was the thing I'd liketo know in the
Sam Hiyate (09:06):
Pitch.
Awesome.
Okay, Natalie,
Natalie Kimber (09:09):
I agree with Catherine on almost everything.
I don't really have much more tosay, um, for, I always tell this
to authors and use whatever youhave.
So if you have 60 minutes you,or sorry, 60 minutes, that would
make for very long episodes.
If you have 60 seconds for apitch use up as much as you can
and give as much information aspossible.
(09:29):
If you have a friend who's agreat writer and you're not sure
if you can, you know, ask fortheir blurb, no, use it, use
everything you got wheneveryou're going forward into this
business.
Sam Hiyate (09:39):
So my thoughts on this is he says Frankenstein,
but what if nothing bad happens?
Well, the thing is, there's nostory if nothing bad happens.
Um, this is the moment which islike Frankenstein is created.
Everybody loves him and they alllive happily ever after or the
end.
So a, a story needs some kind of, um, a series of obstacles.
(10:01):
Like Catherine says a conflict.
We need bad things to happen.
Otherwise it becomes like maybea, a fraction of an episode of
star Trek where you could arguethat data is kind of created and
then everybody's nice to him.
And then he's like, I'm gonnajust be part of the team like
everybody else, which is kind ofthat star Trek data.
(10:24):
So, so okay.
That, I think that's, it let'smove on to, uh, next up is
Senoia Crow.
Zenobia Crow (10:31):
Hi, I'm sonno Crow a rider originally from Kate San
South Africa.
Now living in Seattle was today.
I want to pitch my novel AlNeverland.
The story follows my ever soidealistic protagonist, 22 year
old Finlay James who discovers alove that feels like he's
looking down the barrel of a gunand waiting for the trigger to
go off.
(10:51):
It's truly a journey of selfdiscovery as he learns that, no
matter how much he thinks he hassomething one way or the other
life is gonna end up hitting youin the face and it's either
gonna hurt.
So it's gonna feel so good thatyou'll never wanna let it go.
And that leaves Finn in aposition where he makes
decisions that end up hurtinginnocent people and him
(11:12):
questioning whether, you know,everything he thought he wanted
is truly for him.
Sam Hiyate (11:18):
Okay.
So ZNO Crow, uh, uh, we've got afew people here.
Let's Natalie, let you go first.
Natalie Kimber (11:24):
Um, so this one, um, I like an idealistic
protagonist in Finley, James 22years old.
Um, I feel like this explanationkind of kept me going and you
set up pretty high aches, youknow, looking down the barrel of
a gun and waiting for thetrigger to be pulled.
Um, something I love that yousaid was, uh, talking about a
(11:45):
pain that, that either hurts orit feels so good.
You can't let it go.
And the idea of something thathurts so good, I think is really
appealing.
But overall for all the things Ilove about this, I still have no
idea what's going on with FinleyJames.
And what I think you need isjust specifics.
Where is Finley James, and whatis he doing?
(12:07):
What, um, what's his occupation?
What is he pursuing?
How is he meeting those, thesepeople or these getting into
these relationships?
Um, why do we want to be on hisside?
Um, beyond that, I think thetitle is great and you've got a
lot going for you in this pitch.
It sounds really enticing.
And you've said it in thisbeautiful language, but it's
(12:28):
still too vague.
Sam Hiyate (12:30):
Okay, Catherine.
Yeah,
Kathryn Willms (12:31):
I, I, I agree, Natalie.
I think that this has, this hassome style to it and this, this
nice kind of, sort of evocativelanguage and, and she does a
great job of evoking a, acharacter, um, and you know,
having a great main characterwho's this conflicted person is
excellent.
Um, but there's just no contexthere at all.
I had the same questions on likeAFIN as rules.
(12:53):
He traveling the world is gonnafutures.
He the past, like all thequestions.
So I just think adding a fewmore, few more, that sort of
contextual information would behelpful to me.
Tasneem Motala (13:03):
Okay.
So this, this pitch specificallyI actually had in my inbox and I
passed, I feel like it has, youknow, that evocative language,
that edgy kind of feel to itwith clear character who we know
is an idealist and is runninginto all these problems.
But because of the lack ofspecifics, um, because I had no
idea what maybe he did for aliving or if he was in school or
(13:25):
if you know, or even just where,where Finley is in life.
Like, you know, is he living byhimself?
Is he living in a completelydifferent country?
All of these things we're notthere.
And so therefore it kind of justsounded edgy, but with no
substance that I could latchonto.
So I could understand him as acharacter beyond the fact that
(13:46):
he's an idealist.
Kathryn Willms (13:47):
Yeah.
I feel like he has internalconflict, but he doesn't, it's
not clear what the externalconflicts are in his life
without, without that context
Tasneem Motala (13:54):
Ex.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Sam Hiyate (13:56):
Exactly.
Well, clearly there's shotgun.
There's shotguns involved.
Kathryn Willms (14:00):
Are they metaphorical shotguns?
I want to know what kind ofshotgun is it.
Jennifer Chevais (14:06):
It almost feels like it is, um, it's
everybody right now.
Like every single person on theplanet is Finley because we
don't have enough details yet.
So like that just the that's theway it feels like it could be
me.
It could be Catherine, it couldbe Natalie.
(14:28):
We've all, we've all had thesesame sorts of idealism and, um,
you know, been in toughsituations, but all of our
situations are unique to each ofus.
So, and we need to know more,
Sam Hiyate (14:46):
But here's a question when you guys fall in
love, does it feel like you'restaring down the barrel of a
shotgun?
No,
Tasneem Motala (14:51):
Of course
Natalie Kimber (14:52):
Can Points for voice on this big points for
voice.
Um, I think everybody wascaptured and I don't mean
accent.
I mean, just the voice of thelanguage and the pros of your
pitch were great.
I'd say ZNO, if you wanna addmore details and send it to
(15:13):
myself or Catherine we'll have alook.
Tasneem Motala (15:17):
Yeah.
I think, I think those detailswould really help the pitch and
really help us want to read moreof the sample.
Sam Hiyate (15:24):
Okay.
Uh, I just thought it was likethe cutest accent ever, but
that's me.
Um, okay, so let's move on.
Natalie Kimber (15:33):
Great accent.
Great accent for
Sam Hiyate (15:34):
Sure.
Next up is, uh,
Natalie Kimber (15:36):
And she should absolutely narrate the book when
Sam Hiyate (15:38):
She should narrate the audio book.
Right.
Actually that should beabsolutely.
That should be, um, uh, wellnegotiated.
Um, next up is Danielle Zel.
So this is AYA book.
Speaker 10 (15:50):
When Eve's mom said a, her hometown of fallen
Arizona was hell Eve.
Didn't know what she meant.
Literally as a neuro divergentteenager who struggles with
sensory processing problems, allEve wants is to fit in, but
fallen doesn't seem to be moreaccepting than the dozens of
other towns she's lived in.
When Eve goes searching for amissing friend, she is launched
into a war between good andevil.
A war led by two opposingfamilies, the handling who she's
(16:12):
staying with, and thennotoriously evil Fletcher
family.
When E falls in love with theFletcher and finally finds
belonging with the, within theFletcher clan.
She quickly figures out thatnothing is as simple as good
versus evil.
Now with the door to hell hoursfrom being opened, Eve must
stand up for what she believesin and give it all up complete.
At 67,000 words, Fletcher's birdis a young adult contemporary
(16:33):
fantasy inspired by a Grimsfairy tale of the same name.
It's like ties meets vampirediaries with a bit of verse
sprinkled in.
Sam Hiyate (16:43):
Okay.
So who wants to go first on thisone Ty's name?
Tasneem Motala (16:47):
Okay.
So, um, I like the idea, Iactually do know of the rims
fairy tale that it's based on.
Um, also because me and Jenresearched it, but, um, uh, it,
it's kind of interesting becauseI like the idea of the neuro
divergent protagonist.
I like the idea of a new townand a new area that they're
(17:10):
trying to fit in to.
Um, and it's kind of ends upbeing like the other hands that
they've been through before.
The thing that I think wouldreally help this pitch is again,
the personal stakes because shum, the protagonist goes looking
for this friend, but we don'tknow anything about this friend,
why it's important that she goeslooking for her, why, um, why
(17:30):
she goes on this little journeyto do that.
And we don't anything about thetwo families either.
We just know that at the startthey're introduced as good and
evil and that later on, it'smore gray.
Um, so I feel like one of thethings that would really help is
establishing why it's important,she's searching for the friend
and what is happeningsurrounding the gates of hell
(17:52):
opening up and why that ishappening.
Cause that kind of felt like itwas just thrown in there despite
us knowing that this place isliterally hell.
So I feel like if that those twothings were just kind of
explained a little more, um, interms of the stakes of them and
why we care about thesecharacters, it would be like,
perfect.
Sam Hiyate (18:10):
Okay, Jennifer, anything.
Yeah,
Jennifer Chevais (18:13):
I, I agree.
Like I really liked thebeginning and, and the fact that
the, the town where they're atand I found it a little humorous
that it was in Arizona, but, um,that it's literally hell and,
uh, and then I, I really likethe, the opportunities of having
, uh, like a neuro divergentmain character again, though, um
(18:38):
, character driven.
We don't know why she's why thefriend is so important.
Um, and, and then there was thispart of me that was like, is
this a Rome and Juliet retellingor is it something else?
And so when it came back tobeing part of, or inspired by a
(18:58):
grim fairy tale, I was a littlesurprised at the end, but I also
really liked the thought of theverse, which was mentioned at
the end.
Sam Hiyate (19:07):
So it kind of the idea of a kid going to a town
that is really hell.
I feel like she has to beresponsible for opening it
otherwise, what are the stakesto the story?
Anyway, that's just my own.
I feel like that's probably inthere, but she didn't describe
it that way.
Tasneem Motala (19:23):
Yeah.
Like if, if something was saidfor why the gates of hell are
opening or what the stakes arearound that happening, um, I'd
be a lot more compelled.
Yeah.
Sam Hiyate (19:33):
Like if some, if I moved to a town and they said,
great, you're here now becauseof what you did, the gates of
Heller opening, you better fixthis.
I'm like, holy, I better fix it.
Otherwise, if they're like, Hey,welcome.
By the way, tomorrow, the gatesof Heller opening, just, I
thought you might wanna know,then I'm not as invested in
closing those gates.
Unless of course it would be tomy advantage if the gates of
hell opened up, I guess thatwould be another way of looking
(19:55):
at it if I was some kind ofdemon person, but I didn't know.
It they're like, by the way,it's opening for you, you're,
they've been waiting for you.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for that.
Jennifer Chevais (20:03):
Oh, a different, a different kind of
chosen
Sam Hiyate (20:06):
A different kind of chosen.
Yeah.
So I'm just saying none of thatwas clear from the pitch, even
though I, I think probably alittle, uh, you know, I'm trying
to keep it open an open mindabout the, the storyline.
Okay.
Um, thanks everybody.
Next up is, uh, uh, two writers.
It's collaboration.
Uh, it's an adult romance storyand it's a Lisa Marie Potter and
(20:29):
Amanda Nelson.
Speaker 11 (20:31):
Hi, my name is Lisa Marie Potter, and I am co-writer
with Amanda Nelson.
We're pitching a contemporaryromance titled non plume.
This manuscript is a PG 13mashup of themes, similar to
beach Reed by Emily Henry.
And the kiss quo by Helen Huang,right in a romance is hard when
(20:56):
your life is a tragedy.
So when Molly hires a malecompanion to help her with her
book, she sure their chemistryis nothing more than research
that is, is until they meet upin Las Vegas.
And you know how the sayinggoes, what happens in Vegas?
Sam Hiyate (21:19):
Okay.
Who wants to go first on thisone?
Kathryn Willms (21:23):
Um, well, I, uh, you know, I kind of, I, I always
wanna know what happens inVegas, so you, you have hooked
me.
I wanna know what happens inVegas.
Um, so, so I like the cliffhanger of it.
Um, and I love a romcom if, ifthat's in fact what this is,
it's a little bit unclear to me,um, what it is.
Uh, and I love, well, she,
Sam Hiyate (21:43):
She gave some coms.
Kathryn Willms (21:44):
Yeah.
The coms are very romcom S orromance.
Um, uh, so, so that's great.
Um, and those are great comps.
Um, I think I, with this one Ihad, like, I just had questions
again.
Um, like I'm like, what's a malecompanion.
Do I need one to write a book?
Um, and I, and the, just thatword companion, I just didn't
know what to do with it.
I'm like, is this a, is thislike an 80 year old woman and a
(22:06):
25 year old writing coach andthey've gone to VA, you know, I,
I was just trying to think of,like, in which case I'm in,
like, let let's go.
Uh, but, but I do think thatthis kind of speaks to maybe
what I thought was maybe bit ofthe issue with the pitch was, I
didn't know what the conflictwas.
I didn't know whether was aconflict between these well, why
can't these two people betogether?
Um, is there's a, are they withsomebody else or is there an age
(22:32):
gap, or I just wasn't sure.
Or, or I wasn't sure if theconflict happens when they're in
Vegas, in which case the yadayada, what happens in Vegas is a
big yacht.
You know, I would like that gapto be a little filled with some
details about what does happenin Vegas.
Um, so I think that what are theother, you know, there's an
internal in, in incompatibilityor a conflict outside of, um,
(22:53):
sort of that relationship.
Uh, I think having a little bitmore about that would be, um,
help the intrigue level.
Sam Hiyate (23:01):
I think casting notes would help.
Like if you said Richard GE wasthe, well, I guess the old
Richard GE the earlier RichardGE the muse, the male muse
companion and a young JuliaRoberts was the writer, you
know, then you'd have, you couldfigure out where that might go.
But, um,
Natalie Kimber (23:18):
Sam, I'm not sure that the editors nowadays
even know who Richard here isanymore.
Sam Hiyate (23:23):
Oh my God, I'm, I'm feel so old and dated.
Um, so in terms of wrong, like,I guess the idea, usually you
have opposites attracting,right?
That's the thing.
And Catherine, I think that's,what's missing here.
Right?
Um, I think they might have itin the story cuz they seem to
know your genre and what theywanna accomplish, but what we're
(23:45):
not getting is, uh, the seriesof obstacles that they're gonna
have to overcome for this to beinteresting.
Um, having something secrethappening in Vegas is a, a good
tease, but we still need more.
It's not, there's not enougharound what I could be, but
Catherine, I have to say, I loveyour age gap idea.
Like if a it's Harold and mod goto Vegas and Harold is like the
(24:08):
writing coach, like that isawesome.
That, that, I mean, that wouldbe a great story.
Kathryn Willms (24:12):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like any, yeah.
Any story in Vegas, like italways gets weird.
So I I'm, I think that, youknow, we can, we can, well, I
hope it gets weird in Vegas, butuh, yeah, I do wanna, I do wanna
be able, I want my imaginationssparked at this moment.
Natalie Kimber (24:26):
Well, I wanna say, um, you guys have me
giggling for sure.
Especially Sam with your Richardgear idea.
Um, but also, um, I thoughtthat, that this covered, you
know, a lot of ground, um, youhave a, some cool comps right up
front.
That's great.
Um, but the, the question for mewas starting off saying it's a
(24:48):
PG 13, um, story, and I thinkyou're, you're using adult
comps.
So, um, why PG 13 and thenVegas.
So are we PG 13 in Vegas?
Cuz like what?
I don't know.
Um, how does that work out?
Kathryn Willms (25:04):
Remember when it tried to rebrand itself of as a
family destination, I guess, uh,maybe they're maybe, maybe
that's coming back around againand they're, these writers are
getting, getting in front of it.
Natalie Kimber (25:14):
I remember going to Vegas when I was 20, I wasn't
21 yet, so I couldn't doanything.
And it was like, why am I here?
Um, but also, um, the titlebeing numb to plume, um,
doesn't, it doesn't tie inenough in this pitch for me to
know why you chose that title orfor it to have appeal to what
(25:34):
the story is.
So if you could touch a littlebit on that or show why nada
plume, um, why you went therewith the title that would be,
um, that might help answer somequestions, but you know, bonus
points for, um, a sort of gigglyending for leaving some things
open ended for us, um,cliffhanger ending and um, bonus
(25:57):
points for comps.
Sam Hiyate (25:59):
Okay.
Let me recast it.
Forget Richard gear, JamieDornan, Jamie Dornan as the who
as the male companion in, inVegas.
But that wouldn't be PG 13.
Natalie Kimber (26:10):
I'm there?
Kathryn Willms (26:11):
No, it's never PG with Jamie That man likes to
show his BU on television.
Sam Hiyate (26:18):
Okay.
So, uh, let's move on to, uh,thanks everybody.
That was uh, good one.
And that was um, our firstromcom here of the pitches.
Next up is the last one last butnot least.
Catherine crosses ye book
Speaker 12 (26:32):
Of rust and Stardust is a 1990s young adult
reimagining of tinker bell withtime travel pirates and
deception stranded in NewJersey.
16 year old tink agrees to steala bag gang leader, black beers
treasure for the way back toNeverland.
But the treasure is a timemachine.
He plans on destroying Neverlandwith,
Sam Hiyate (26:52):
Okay, we have tinker bell and black beard and
Neverland.
Um, I'm gonna start withJennifer.
What are your thoughts on this?
Jennifer Chevais (26:59):
Again, it comes down to the character.
We, we don't seem to haveenough, at least I don't feel
that we have enough and I canunderstand why Tinkerbell would
wanna go back to Neverland, butthere's a lot of other things
that just aren't necessarilyclear from what we have so far.
Although I do like a good piratestory.
Sam Hiyate (27:21):
Okay.
TAs name?
Any thoughts?
Tasneem Motala (27:23):
Um, just to call back to what Natalie said
earlier, when you have a minuteuse the whole minute, cuz I feel
like there was a lot of thingsmissing, cuz as much as I love,
you know, Peter pan and the ideaof tinker bell and the idea of
like a 1990s, was it New Jersey?
Oh my gosh.
Yes, it was Jersey.
(27:44):
Uh, like as much as I love thoseideas, I'm also really relying
on the fact that I have priorknowledge of all these tropes
and all of these characters.
And if someone doesn't orsomeone wants to get into this
book and doesn't have any ofthat prior background in any of
that, then they're not reallygonna know where to care and
where to put their investmentin.
Um, one of the things that Ithink could help this immensely
(28:06):
is just telling us why tinkerbell wants to go back because as
much as Neverland as her home,again, that's, that's that's
prior knowledge.
I have, she, she has a homethere and she wants to go back
home, but why is it so importantthat she risks literally
stealing from a gang leader todo it?
You know, why, why is the at soimportant?
And also, um, I, I guess I justdon't understand how a time
(28:30):
machine can destroy anything.
So I would love to know moreabout that time machine.
Like, is it she's going back intime to get to Neverland and how
is Blackbird gonna use a timemachine to destroy Neverland?
That would be cool to knowbecause I don't really know what
a time machine can do other thantravel back or forth in time.
Jennifer Chevais (28:48):
And I also think something that would be
interesting is to get into thecharacter of black beard.
Black beard was a realcharacter.
Um, and not related to Neverlandas far as I know.
Sam Hiyate (29:02):
Yeah.
I kept waiting for whereascaptain hook.
Yeah.
I mean,
Tasneem Motala (29:05):
Instead of captain hook we have Blackberry.
Jennifer Chevais (29:08):
Yeah.
Um, so that would be interestingto know also, I don't know if
you can do it in a pitch likethis, but getting a sense of
even the bad guy's agency.
Why is he doing these things andwhy does it matter to tinker
bell that she stops him?
Natalie Kimber (29:26):
Um, I'm gonna jump in and say, oh, oh my gosh,
1990s, New Jersey.
I live in New Jersey now.
I wish I could go back to 1990s,New Jersey.
That sounds so amazing and sofun.
And I'm so curious, how arethese characters?
1990s?
What is 1990s tinker bell like,um, does she wear doc Martins?
Does she read the Deliascatalog?
(29:47):
You know, does she, um, and thenthe Blackberry character, what
is the 1990s, New Jersey blackbeard gang leader, like, um, I'm
it sounds like he's the sexiestskater out there, but is he
like, I would be so, so said tonote, does he have an eye patch?
Does he have a parrot?
That'd be even cooler.
Does he
Kathryn Willms (30:05):
Have a Walkman?
Natalie Kimber (30:07):
So just giving us a little more, uh, if
anything, if you wanna dosomething that's 1990s, um, drop
some references in there becausethe people that love it, the
people that are nostalgic forit, he like me.
We would love to see those.
Kathryn Willms (30:21):
Yeah.
I think it's great.
I think I can imagine like, likemaybe like really wide leg jeans
and then like, you know, likepure nightly, you always used to
wear those like little bandanatops.
Like I feel like tinker wouldlike she'd have like that kind
of vibe.
Right.
Maybe neon.
Totally.
Tasneem Motala (30:34):
I can totally imagine that just as a, just cuz
she's a fairy character.
Why not?
Sam Hiyate (30:38):
That's how she hides the wings.
Is that how it works?
Natalie Kimber (30:41):
Braver or tinker bell 16 year old raver tinker
bell.
Why
Kathryn Willms (30:44):
Not?
It'd be cute.
Sam Hiyate (30:46):
Um, what do you guys think of these revisiting
classic stories?
Like there was that book thatjust came out where it was like
the great Gatsby retold and itseems to be like a recurring,
um, a, a way to build on theseestablished brands by having a
re of something a modern dayretelling if the guy earlier guy
pitched Frankenstein in a, in adifferent way.
(31:06):
So I, I think it's interestingthat the same way that Hollywood
wants to keep remaking thingsover and over and over rather
than trying to find new IP.
Sometimes I feel like it's a lotof writers will rather go
somewhere where it's known andthere's a known audience for it.
And it's an easier pitch.
A, you know, let's do anotherJane Austin novel with one of
the Darcy kids or whatever grownup now or, you know, the, the
(31:29):
grandchildren or whatever.
There's so many, there's like awhole franchise of these things.
Um, so yeah, uh, I haven'treally thought about Peter Penn
in a while, but it's interestingthat this pitch is out there and
she's kind of doing a mash upwith, um, um, treasure island, I
guess.
Right.
Peter pan meets treasure islandwith black beard.
Kathryn Willms (31:50):
Yeah.
I think I have two, two thoughtson that.
One is like, uh, I guessactually Sam, do you think
there's like permissions issues?
Like when you like, like tinker,Bella would be, I
Sam Hiyate (31:58):
Don't know what the copyright is for Peter pan it's
it's about copyright in the end.
Yeah.
Kathryn Willms (32:02):
That's about copyright it.
Sam Hiyate (32:04):
Yeah.
I dunno if it's in the publicdomain or not.
That's the question
Kathryn Willms (32:06):
Because tinker bell is such a fascinating
character.
Like I don't, I don't know maybemaybe those books exist, but I
can just see her as, uh, as themain character in a series or
something like that becauseshe's, she's, she's really like
underexplored in the Peter Pennuniverse in some ways, you know,
if Julia Roberts is playing you,like you got something, like, I
(32:27):
just feel like maybe, uh, I'd beinterested in like a tinker bell
universe, uh, Disney universe,perhaps this writer will, uh,
you know, will get hired to, tocreate such a thing.
Tasneem Motala (32:39):
Um, just on retellings, just I have like
something small desire.
Um, I love retellings, but I'malso super picky with them
because I feel like there's alot of them out there.
Um, especially for stuff likebeauty and the beast, not
necessarily for Peter pan, butthere are some out there.
Um, and I feel like at thispoint, what I look for the, and
retellings is, is a really,really fresh take.
(33:02):
Um, and personally just for me,because I take bipo rider only,
um, I feel like bipo rider willhave the most interesting takes
cuz we usually haven't heardfrom them yet in these spaces.
So I'm totally for them, butthey, they just have to be new
and fresh.
Kathryn Willms (33:21):
So everyone pitch TA name, your hot
retellings.
Uh, if you're a bipo writer.
Tasneem Motala (33:26):
Yes.
Hell yeah.
She, she,
Kathryn Willms (33:28):
She soon you want, she's amazing.
Tasneem Motala (33:29):
Oh, thank you.
Sam Hiyate (33:32):
Um, well guys, that was really fun.
I feel like we have to come back, uh, maybe do one of these
every season where we just kindof cast a wide net and see what
comes in.
Um, I do wanna thank everybodywho submitted, uh, there were
many of you and, um, I willprobably, uh, if there's anybody
that we really want, I, I I'vealready shared them with the
agency.
So if there's anybody that wereally wanna talk to, we'll get
(33:54):
back to you.
Uh, so thanks for submitting.
And for those of you who wediscussed, I, it, it was, um, uh
, enlightening to get our takeon it.
And I hope I, I don't think wewere too Savage.
I at least I hope not.
I hope we were constructive inour criticism.
Okay.
Everybody thanks so much.
That was, uh, um, it was greatto hear your feedback on the
(34:15):
pitches.
Um, I will see you next time.
Thanks
Tasneem Motala (34:18):
Sam.
Yeah.
Thanks so much.
Speaker 13 (34:20):
Bye.
Thanks for listening everyone.
Bye.
Sam Hiyate (34:22):
Bye.
Bye everybody.
So that wraps it up for episodesix and I'm sad to say for
season two, it's been a greatseason and it's been a great run
and a lot of fun as more andmore of you have discovered what
(34:44):
we're doing and tuning in.
And thanks for sharing the love.
Um, I'm seeing a lot moreratings and reviews.
So we're grateful.
We'd like to thank everybody whosubmitted a pitch, our agents
who responded.
And of course our producer,Andrew Kaufman, we're taking a
break now to catch our, a breathhere at the agency, finish our
submissions and plan for bookfairs, but we will be back with
(35:06):
more Asian provocateur in a fewmonths.
Take care, everyone.
Hi everyone, I'm Sam Hiyate and welcome to our show.
For our last episode of theseason, we thought we'd do
something a little special.
So for a couple of weeks now,we've put out a call for
60-second book pitches viaaudio.
The response was fantastic.
So we then selected six of thosepitches, and on this episode,
we're going to listen to themtogether with you.
(00:28):
And four Rights Factory agentsare going to give their opinion
on what works in the pitches andwhat could be improved.
Hello everybody.
I'm going to introduce our panelof agents.
First up, we have NatalieKimber.
Natalie Kimber (00:45):
Hey everybody.
Sam Hiyate (00:46):
Uh, next up is Tasneem Motala.
Tasneem Motala (00:48):
Hello.
Sam Hiyate (00:49):
Kathryn Willms.
Kathryn Willms (00:50):
Hello.
Sam Hiyate (00:51):
and Jennifer Chevais.
Jennifer Chevais (00:53):
Hello.
Sam Hiyate (00:55):
Okay.
So, well, here's a question.
What do you guys think is onekey element that every pitch
needs.
I'll start with Natalie.
Natalie Kimber (01:04):
An awesome hook.
Even if you take a compellingline from the manuscript, a
short, punchy voicey, awesomehook, to start us off.
Sam Hiyate (01:15):
Great.
Jennifer?
Jennifer Chevais (01:17):
Clear stakes.
What's happening.
Why does it matter?
Sam Hiyate (01:21):
We've got a hook, we've got clear stakes--
Tasneem?
Tasneem Motala (01:26):
Stakes are great.
I agree.
But I also feel like there's adifference between stakes in a
plot and character stakes.
If I can care about thecharacter, I'm already in.
Sam Hiyate (01:36):
Awesome.
I'm gonna throw mine in, whichis: I want to know why I should
care about the characters.
So I want to know, is thissomebody that I should like, or
is this like an anti-herocharacter, somebody that I
should dislike?
And I like, one of the reasonswhy I'm in this business is
because I like to see people whohave good values succeed against
(01:59):
everything.
And I always tell people thatthe meta-villain of every story
is always the same thing, andthat is despair.
So there's got to be an elementof hope.
There's gotta be somebody thatyou like, and then you've gotta
ultimately fight the villain ofdespair in every story.
Kathryn, I saved you for the endbecause I figured you'd have an
answer to this.
Kathryn Willms (02:20):
Yeah, f or me, it's conflict.
I think that-- it's such ascreenwriting thing, but that's
what screenplays-- goodscreenplays-- really get right
is that central conflict.
What is it that stands betweenthe main character and their
goal and, who, and if you havethat piece, then you have the
stakes and you have a way for acharacter to progress.
(02:44):
And you have a story.
Sam Hiyate (02:45):
Great.
Okay.
So first up we have LarissaBenfey.
Let's hear her pitch.
Larissa Benfey (02:55):
It takes a special kind of ineptitude to
stumble into a kidnapping, butthen to become an impromptu
target yourself?
Now that's just bad luck.
For 15 year-old Lucy Warren, herabduction is just the tip of the
iceberg or rather the rabbithole into Wonderland.
That is, if by Wonderland, youmean the criminal underworld of
Boston led by a killer kingpinwho'd put the Queen of Hearts to
shame, and complete with a whiterabbit who might just win Lucy's
(03:18):
heart.
Unfortunately for Lucy, there'sno climbing out of the rabbit
hole.
There's no going back to her oldlife because that kingpin
terrorizing the streets ofBoston-- he's Lucy's new
stepbrother, Ethan Burke.
When a dangerous rival fromEthan's past resurfaces hell
bent on hurting Ethan, Lucydiscovers she may be the only
person capable of saving herstepbrother, but the question
(03:40):
becomes, does she want to?
Good Girl Gone is a 90,000 wordYA crossover, which at its core
is a story about family.
Lucy eventually realizes thatfamily isn't the people you
share blood ties with, but thepeople you'd shed blood for.
Sam Hiyate (03:56):
All right.
So I feel like this is a YAproject, but it's not entirely
clear.
Jennifer Chevais (04:01):
I really liked the fact that she dove right
into the character stakes reallyquickly and that there was a
cross sort of mix with like afairytale and bringing it it
into the underworld.
(04:21):
Which is, I mean, Wonderland isnot actually that great of a
place.
And this was a reallyinteresting cross for me.
Tasneem Motala (04:30):
Yes, same here.
I really liked the fact that itgot into the protagonist stakes,
really quickly and right away.
And I don't know, I'm always asucker for gang stories,
criminal syndicates, undergroundstuff.
So that was really interestingto me.
I think that it's important,about the character stakes
though, because I find that somany pitches I get, in my Query
(04:50):
Manager tend to completely missthem and it's super easy to get
invested and want to read thesample if I know what the stakes
are.
First, the one thing that Ididn't really understand is the
kidnapping at the start-- shewitnesses one-- and then gets
kidnapped, but then her brotheris the crime Lord.
(05:11):
So I was wondering how that tiesin.
I feel like that's just aquestion that needs to be like a
bit more clarified for me, buteverything else about this was
amazing.
Sam Hiyate (05:20):
Terrific.
Jennifer, was there anything youthought could be improved?
Jennifer Chevais (05:23):
I thought that the hook was a little confusing,
like Tasneem, I wasn't sureexactly if she was the one that
had been kidnapped at thebeginning and then was abducted
again by a rival crime lord.
I had to listen to it a fewtimes to catch exactly what was
going on.
Sam Hiyate (05:42):
What did you guys think of the title?
I kind of like the title,though.
Good Girl Gone.
It's kind of like a play on GoneGirl.
Tasneem Motala (05:49):
Yeah.
That's what I thought too,actually.
Just in terms of the titlealone.
I think it's interesting too,because it's Good Girl Gone and
she has a new stepbrother who'sa literal crime lord.
So it's like, how did thathappen?
How did she go from good to likebasically in the middle of all
of this.
That was really cool.
Natalie Kimber (06:07):
Hey guys, it's Nat and I was going to jump in
here because even though I lookat mostly adult stuff, I do like
YA from time to time, and thisis a YA crossover.
And first, I do like that thehook came right up front and it
was interesting.
Although I kind of agree withTasneem and Jen that it doesn't
tie in enough, or be explainedenough, but it does kind of hit
(06:31):
you right away.
Other than that, I feel likeLarissa covered a lot of ground
here.
She covered the word count.
She covered the plot, shecovered her main character, the
title, which is great and doesexactly what it should for the
book.
And I love that you have acharacter who starts off good.
She gets into this situationwhere there's an obvious
(06:51):
antagonist, her stepbrother, andthen there ends up being other
people who come around and makeher revisit what she thinks is
good and evil.
And, you know, that's sort of,my enemy's enemy is my friend
idea, where she might end uphaving a better relationship
with her stepbrother towards theend.
And finding out where her truealliances are or where her true
(07:15):
sense of morality is.
So that sounds like some themesthat I would definitely want to
read into.
And this is something I woulddefinitely want to see.
Sam Hiyate (07:24):
Awesome.
Okay.
Let's move on.
Next up is, uh, the, one of the,actually the shortest pitch we
got, which is Scott Baker, let'slisten to that one
S.A. Baker (07:34):
Frankenstein from the creations point of view, but
what would happen?
How would he turn out?
Someone broke the cycle ofhatred violence and showed him
kindness instead.
Sam Hiyate (07:42):
Okay.
So who wants to go first?
Kathryn Willms (07:44):
Yeah, I'll jump in on this one.
So I love a, what if scenario,um, and imaginative retelling,
that's very fun and I loveFrankenstein.
Uh, I still think it's just oneof those, uh, those smart texts
that's emblematic of our, thedebates of our time.
Uh, so I thought the, uh, thethought experiment set up was,
was great.
Um, obviously this is quiteshort.
(08:06):
Um, so I do think that, uh, youknow, immediately you're like,
what else happens?
And, um, I think one of thethings here I was like, is it,
is it a buddy comedy?
Do, is it like a retro sci-filike everyone has a monster and
they play with them is themonster like getting drunk of
parties and causing like socialanxiety.
I'm like, I just was like, whatis the genre of this book?
(08:26):
What will happen?
Like, am I, am I reading a, acomedy, a, a fable dressed up as
a philosophical tree tease?
Um, I just felt like I wasn'tsure.
And I think the big thing, and Ithink it's one actually that I
see it in a few of the other arepitches as well.
And I think it's something forwriters always to think about in
their pitches is what's theconflict there needs to be.
It needs to be clear thatthere's going to be something
(08:49):
that people have to overcomeeither internally or externally.
And in this case, I'm like, ifeveryone's nice to the monster,
it's unclear where the conflictis going to, uh, arise.
So, um, I think that would bethe thing that I would, you
know, obviously I'm sure theauthor or the writer knows, but,
uh, that was the thing I'd liketo know in the
Sam Hiyate (09:06):
Pitch.
Awesome.
Okay, Natalie,
Natalie Kimber (09:09):
I agree with Catherine on almost everything.
I don't really have much more tosay, um, for, I always tell this
to authors and use whatever youhave.
So if you have 60 minutes you,or sorry, 60 minutes, that would
make for very long episodes.
If you have 60 seconds for apitch use up as much as you can
and give as much information aspossible.
(09:29):
If you have a friend who's agreat writer and you're not sure
if you can, you know, ask fortheir blurb, no, use it, use
everything you got wheneveryou're going forward into this
business.
Sam Hiyate (09:39):
So my thoughts on this is he says Frankenstein,
but what if nothing bad happens?
Well, the thing is, there's nostory if nothing bad happens.
Um, this is the moment which islike Frankenstein is created.
Everybody loves him and they alllive happily ever after or the
end.
So a, a story needs some kind of, um, a series of obstacles.
(10:01):
Like Catherine says a conflict.
We need bad things to happen.
Otherwise it becomes like maybea, a fraction of an episode of
star Trek where you could arguethat data is kind of created and
then everybody's nice to him.
And then he's like, I'm gonnajust be part of the team like
everybody else, which is kind ofthat star Trek data.
(10:24):
So, so okay.
That, I think that's, it let'smove on to, uh, next up is
Senoia Crow.
Zenobia Crow (10:31):
Hi, I'm sonno Crow a rider originally from Kate San
South Africa.
Now living in Seattle was today.
I want to pitch my novel AlNeverland.
The story follows my ever soidealistic protagonist, 22 year
old Finlay James who discovers alove that feels like he's
looking down the barrel of a gunand waiting for the trigger to
go off.
(10:51):
It's truly a journey of selfdiscovery as he learns that, no
matter how much he thinks he hassomething one way or the other
life is gonna end up hitting youin the face and it's either
gonna hurt.
So it's gonna feel so good thatyou'll never wanna let it go.
And that leaves Finn in aposition where he makes
decisions that end up hurtinginnocent people and him
(11:12):
questioning whether, you know,everything he thought he wanted
is truly for him.
Sam Hiyate (11:18):
Okay.
So ZNO Crow, uh, uh, we've got afew people here.
Let's Natalie, let you go first.
Natalie Kimber (11:24):
Um, so this one, um, I like an idealistic
protagonist in Finley, James 22years old.
Um, I feel like this explanationkind of kept me going and you
set up pretty high aches, youknow, looking down the barrel of
a gun and waiting for thetrigger to be pulled.
Um, something I love that yousaid was, uh, talking about a
(11:45):
pain that, that either hurts orit feels so good.
You can't let it go.
And the idea of something thathurts so good, I think is really
appealing.
But overall for all the things Ilove about this, I still have no
idea what's going on with FinleyJames.
And what I think you need isjust specifics.
Where is Finley James, and whatis he doing?
(12:07):
What, um, what's his occupation?
What is he pursuing?
How is he meeting those, thesepeople or these getting into
these relationships?
Um, why do we want to be on hisside?
Um, beyond that, I think thetitle is great and you've got a
lot going for you in this pitch.
It sounds really enticing.
And you've said it in thisbeautiful language, but it's
(12:28):
still too vague.
Sam Hiyate (12:30):
Okay, Catherine.
Yeah,
Kathryn Willms (12:31):
I, I, I agree, Natalie.
I think that this has, this hassome style to it and this, this
nice kind of, sort of evocativelanguage and, and she does a
great job of evoking a, acharacter, um, and you know,
having a great main characterwho's this conflicted person is
excellent.
Um, but there's just no contexthere at all.
I had the same questions on likeAFIN as rules.
(12:53):
He traveling the world is gonnafutures.
He the past, like all thequestions.
So I just think adding a fewmore, few more, that sort of
contextual information would behelpful to me.
Tasneem Motala (13:03):
Okay.
So this, this pitch specificallyI actually had in my inbox and I
passed, I feel like it has, youknow, that evocative language,
that edgy kind of feel to itwith clear character who we know
is an idealist and is runninginto all these problems.
But because of the lack ofspecifics, um, because I had no
idea what maybe he did for aliving or if he was in school or
(13:25):
if you know, or even just where,where Finley is in life.
Like, you know, is he living byhimself?
Is he living in a completelydifferent country?
All of these things we're notthere.
And so therefore it kind of justsounded edgy, but with no
substance that I could latchonto.
So I could understand him as acharacter beyond the fact that
(13:46):
he's an idealist.
Kathryn Willms (13:47):
Yeah.
I feel like he has internalconflict, but he doesn't, it's
not clear what the externalconflicts are in his life
without, without that context
Tasneem Motala (13:54):
Ex.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Sam Hiyate (13:56):
Exactly.
Well, clearly there's shotgun.
There's shotguns involved.
Kathryn Willms (14:00):
Are they metaphorical shotguns?
I want to know what kind ofshotgun is it.
Jennifer Chevais (14:06):
It almost feels like it is, um, it's
everybody right now.
Like every single person on theplanet is Finley because we
don't have enough details yet.
So like that just the that's theway it feels like it could be
me.
It could be Catherine, it couldbe Natalie.
(14:28):
We've all, we've all had thesesame sorts of idealism and, um,
you know, been in toughsituations, but all of our
situations are unique to each ofus.
So, and we need to know more,
Sam Hiyate (14:46):
But here's a question when you guys fall in
love, does it feel like you'restaring down the barrel of a
shotgun?
No,
Tasneem Motala (14:51):
Of course
Natalie Kimber (14:52):
Can Points for voice on this big points for
voice.
Um, I think everybody wascaptured and I don't mean
accent.
I mean, just the voice of thelanguage and the pros of your
pitch were great.
I'd say ZNO, if you wanna addmore details and send it to
(15:13):
myself or Catherine we'll have alook.
Tasneem Motala (15:17):
Yeah.
I think, I think those detailswould really help the pitch and
really help us want to read moreof the sample.
Sam Hiyate (15:24):
Okay.
Uh, I just thought it was likethe cutest accent ever, but
that's me.
Um, okay, so let's move on.
Natalie Kimber (15:33):
Great accent.
Great accent for
Sam Hiyate (15:34):
Sure.
Next up is, uh,
Natalie Kimber (15:36):
And she should absolutely narrate the book when
Sam Hiyate (15:38):
She should narrate the audio book.
Right.
Actually that should beabsolutely.
That should be, um, uh, wellnegotiated.
Um, next up is Danielle Zel.
So this is AYA book.
Speaker 10 (15:50):
When Eve's mom said a, her hometown of fallen
Arizona was hell Eve.
Didn't know what she meant.
Literally as a neuro divergentteenager who struggles with
sensory processing problems, allEve wants is to fit in, but
fallen doesn't seem to be moreaccepting than the dozens of
other towns she's lived in.
When Eve goes searching for amissing friend, she is launched
into a war between good andevil.
A war led by two opposingfamilies, the handling who she's
(16:12):
staying with, and thennotoriously evil Fletcher
family.
When E falls in love with theFletcher and finally finds
belonging with the, within theFletcher clan.
She quickly figures out thatnothing is as simple as good
versus evil.
Now with the door to hell hoursfrom being opened, Eve must
stand up for what she believesin and give it all up complete.
At 67,000 words, Fletcher's birdis a young adult contemporary
(16:33):
fantasy inspired by a Grimsfairy tale of the same name.
It's like ties meets vampirediaries with a bit of verse
sprinkled in.
Sam Hiyate (16:43):
Okay.
So who wants to go first on thisone Ty's name?
Tasneem Motala (16:47):
Okay.
So, um, I like the idea, Iactually do know of the rims
fairy tale that it's based on.
Um, also because me and Jenresearched it, but, um, uh, it,
it's kind of interesting becauseI like the idea of the neuro
divergent protagonist.
I like the idea of a new townand a new area that they're
(17:10):
trying to fit in to.
Um, and it's kind of ends upbeing like the other hands that
they've been through before.
The thing that I think wouldreally help this pitch is again,
the personal stakes because shum, the protagonist goes looking
for this friend, but we don'tknow anything about this friend,
why it's important that she goeslooking for her, why, um, why
(17:30):
she goes on this little journeyto do that.
And we don't anything about thetwo families either.
We just know that at the startthey're introduced as good and
evil and that later on, it'smore gray.
Um, so I feel like one of thethings that would really help is
establishing why it's important,she's searching for the friend
and what is happeningsurrounding the gates of hell
(17:52):
opening up and why that ishappening.
Cause that kind of felt like itwas just thrown in there despite
us knowing that this place isliterally hell.
So I feel like if that those twothings were just kind of
explained a little more, um, interms of the stakes of them and
why we care about thesecharacters, it would be like,
perfect.
Sam Hiyate (18:10):
Okay, Jennifer, anything.
Yeah,
Jennifer Chevais (18:13):
I, I agree.
Like I really liked thebeginning and, and the fact that
the, the town where they're atand I found it a little humorous
that it was in Arizona, but, um,that it's literally hell and,
uh, and then I, I really likethe, the opportunities of having
, uh, like a neuro divergentmain character again, though, um
(18:38):
, character driven.
We don't know why she's why thefriend is so important.
Um, and, and then there was thispart of me that was like, is
this a Rome and Juliet retellingor is it something else?
And so when it came back tobeing part of, or inspired by a
(18:58):
grim fairy tale, I was a littlesurprised at the end, but I also
really liked the thought of theverse, which was mentioned at
the end.
Sam Hiyate (19:07):
So it kind of the idea of a kid going to a town
that is really hell.
I feel like she has to beresponsible for opening it
otherwise, what are the stakesto the story?
Anyway, that's just my own.
I feel like that's probably inthere, but she didn't describe
it that way.
Tasneem Motala (19:23):
Yeah.
Like if, if something was saidfor why the gates of hell are
opening or what the stakes arearound that happening, um, I'd
be a lot more compelled.
Yeah.
Sam Hiyate (19:33):
Like if some, if I moved to a town and they said,
great, you're here now becauseof what you did, the gates of
Heller opening, you better fixthis.
I'm like, holy, I better fix it.
Otherwise, if they're like, Hey,welcome.
By the way, tomorrow, the gatesof Heller opening, just, I
thought you might wanna know,then I'm not as invested in
closing those gates.
Unless of course it would be tomy advantage if the gates of
hell opened up, I guess thatwould be another way of looking
(19:55):
at it if I was some kind ofdemon person, but I didn't know.
It they're like, by the way,it's opening for you, you're,
they've been waiting for you.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for that.
Jennifer Chevais (20:03):
Oh, a different, a different kind of
chosen
Sam Hiyate (20:06):
A different kind of chosen.
Yeah.
So I'm just saying none of thatwas clear from the pitch, even
though I, I think probably alittle, uh, you know, I'm trying
to keep it open an open mindabout the, the storyline.
Okay.
Um, thanks everybody.
Next up is, uh, uh, two writers.
It's collaboration.
Uh, it's an adult romance storyand it's a Lisa Marie Potter and
(20:29):
Amanda Nelson.
Speaker 11 (20:31):
Hi, my name is Lisa Marie Potter, and I am co-writer
with Amanda Nelson.
We're pitching a contemporaryromance titled non plume.
This manuscript is a PG 13mashup of themes, similar to
beach Reed by Emily Henry.
And the kiss quo by Helen Huang,right in a romance is hard when
(20:56):
your life is a tragedy.
So when Molly hires a malecompanion to help her with her
book, she sure their chemistryis nothing more than research
that is, is until they meet upin Las Vegas.
And you know how the sayinggoes, what happens in Vegas?
Sam Hiyate (21:19):
Okay.
Who wants to go first on thisone?
Kathryn Willms (21:23):
Um, well, I, uh, you know, I kind of, I, I always
wanna know what happens inVegas, so you, you have hooked
me.
I wanna know what happens inVegas.
Um, so, so I like the cliffhanger of it.
Um, and I love a romcom if, ifthat's in fact what this is,
it's a little bit unclear to me,um, what it is.
Uh, and I love, well, she,
Sam Hiyate (21:43):
She gave some coms.
Kathryn Willms (21:44):
Yeah.
The coms are very romcom S orromance.
Um, uh, so, so that's great.
Um, and those are great comps.
Um, I think I, with this one Ihad, like, I just had questions
again.
Um, like I'm like, what's a malecompanion.
Do I need one to write a book?
Um, and I, and the, just thatword companion, I just didn't
know what to do with it.
I'm like, is this a, is thislike an 80 year old woman and a
(22:06):
25 year old writing coach andthey've gone to VA, you know, I,
I was just trying to think of,like, in which case I'm in,
like, let let's go.
Uh, but, but I do think thatthis kind of speaks to maybe
what I thought was maybe bit ofthe issue with the pitch was, I
didn't know what the conflictwas.
I didn't know whether was aconflict between these well, why
can't these two people betogether?
Um, is there's a, are they withsomebody else or is there an age
(22:32):
gap, or I just wasn't sure.
Or, or I wasn't sure if theconflict happens when they're in
Vegas, in which case the yadayada, what happens in Vegas is a
big yacht.
You know, I would like that gapto be a little filled with some
details about what does happenin Vegas.
Um, so I think that what are theother, you know, there's an
internal in, in incompatibilityor a conflict outside of, um,
(22:53):
sort of that relationship.
Uh, I think having a little bitmore about that would be, um,
help the intrigue level.
Sam Hiyate (23:01):
I think casting notes would help.
Like if you said Richard GE wasthe, well, I guess the old
Richard GE the earlier RichardGE the muse, the male muse
companion and a young JuliaRoberts was the writer, you
know, then you'd have, you couldfigure out where that might go.
But, um,
Natalie Kimber (23:18):
Sam, I'm not sure that the editors nowadays
even know who Richard here isanymore.
Sam Hiyate (23:23):
Oh my God, I'm, I'm feel so old and dated.
Um, so in terms of wrong, like,I guess the idea, usually you
have opposites attracting,right?
That's the thing.
And Catherine, I think that's,what's missing here.
Right?
Um, I think they might have itin the story cuz they seem to
know your genre and what theywanna accomplish, but what we're
(23:45):
not getting is, uh, the seriesof obstacles that they're gonna
have to overcome for this to beinteresting.
Um, having something secrethappening in Vegas is a, a good
tease, but we still need more.
It's not, there's not enougharound what I could be, but
Catherine, I have to say, I loveyour age gap idea.
Like if a it's Harold and mod goto Vegas and Harold is like the
(24:08):
writing coach, like that isawesome.
That, that, I mean, that wouldbe a great story.
Kathryn Willms (24:12):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like any, yeah.
Any story in Vegas, like italways gets weird.
So I I'm, I think that, youknow, we can, we can, well, I
hope it gets weird in Vegas, butuh, yeah, I do wanna, I do wanna
be able, I want my imaginationssparked at this moment.
Natalie Kimber (24:26):
Well, I wanna say, um, you guys have me
giggling for sure.
Especially Sam with your Richardgear idea.
Um, but also, um, I thoughtthat, that this covered, you
know, a lot of ground, um, youhave a, some cool comps right up
front.
That's great.
Um, but the, the question for mewas starting off saying it's a
(24:48):
PG 13, um, story, and I thinkyou're, you're using adult
comps.
So, um, why PG 13 and thenVegas.
So are we PG 13 in Vegas?
Cuz like what?
I don't know.
Um, how does that work out?
Kathryn Willms (25:04):
Remember when it tried to rebrand itself of as a
family destination, I guess, uh,maybe they're maybe, maybe
that's coming back around againand they're, these writers are
getting, getting in front of it.
Natalie Kimber (25:14):
I remember going to Vegas when I was 20, I wasn't
21 yet, so I couldn't doanything.
And it was like, why am I here?
Um, but also, um, the titlebeing numb to plume, um,
doesn't, it doesn't tie inenough in this pitch for me to
know why you chose that title orfor it to have appeal to what
(25:34):
the story is.
So if you could touch a littlebit on that or show why nada
plume, um, why you went therewith the title that would be,
um, that might help answer somequestions, but you know, bonus
points for, um, a sort of gigglyending for leaving some things
open ended for us, um,cliffhanger ending and um, bonus
(25:57):
points for comps.
Sam Hiyate (25:59):
Okay.
Let me recast it.
Forget Richard gear, JamieDornan, Jamie Dornan as the who
as the male companion in, inVegas.
But that wouldn't be PG 13.
Natalie Kimber (26:10):
I'm there?
Kathryn Willms (26:11):
No, it's never PG with Jamie That man likes to
show his BU on television.
Sam Hiyate (26:18):
Okay.
So, uh, let's move on to, uh,thanks everybody.
That was uh, good one.
And that was um, our firstromcom here of the pitches.
Next up is the last one last butnot least.
Catherine crosses ye book
Speaker 12 (26:32):
Of rust and Stardust is a 1990s young adult
reimagining of tinker bell withtime travel pirates and
deception stranded in NewJersey.
16 year old tink agrees to steala bag gang leader, black beers
treasure for the way back toNeverland.
But the treasure is a timemachine.
He plans on destroying Neverlandwith,
Sam Hiyate (26:52):
Okay, we have tinker bell and black beard and
Neverland.
Um, I'm gonna start withJennifer.
What are your thoughts on this?
Jennifer Chevais (26:59):
Again, it comes down to the character.
We, we don't seem to haveenough, at least I don't feel
that we have enough and I canunderstand why Tinkerbell would
wanna go back to Neverland, butthere's a lot of other things
that just aren't necessarilyclear from what we have so far.
Although I do like a good piratestory.
Sam Hiyate (27:21):
Okay.
TAs name?
Any thoughts?
Tasneem Motala (27:23):
Um, just to call back to what Natalie said
earlier, when you have a minuteuse the whole minute, cuz I feel
like there was a lot of thingsmissing, cuz as much as I love,
you know, Peter pan and the ideaof tinker bell and the idea of
like a 1990s, was it New Jersey?
Oh my gosh.
Yes, it was Jersey.
(27:44):
Uh, like as much as I love thoseideas, I'm also really relying
on the fact that I have priorknowledge of all these tropes
and all of these characters.
And if someone doesn't orsomeone wants to get into this
book and doesn't have any ofthat prior background in any of
that, then they're not reallygonna know where to care and
where to put their investmentin.
Um, one of the things that Ithink could help this immensely
(28:06):
is just telling us why tinkerbell wants to go back because as
much as Neverland as her home,again, that's, that's that's
prior knowledge.
I have, she, she has a homethere and she wants to go back
home, but why is it so importantthat she risks literally
stealing from a gang leader todo it?
You know, why, why is the at soimportant?
And also, um, I, I guess I justdon't understand how a time
(28:30):
machine can destroy anything.
So I would love to know moreabout that time machine.
Like, is it she's going back intime to get to Neverland and how
is Blackbird gonna use a timemachine to destroy Neverland?
That would be cool to knowbecause I don't really know what
a time machine can do other thantravel back or forth in time.
Jennifer Chevais (28:48):
And I also think something that would be
interesting is to get into thecharacter of black beard.
Black beard was a realcharacter.
Um, and not related to Neverlandas far as I know.
Sam Hiyate (29:02):
Yeah.
I kept waiting for whereascaptain hook.
Yeah.
I mean,
Tasneem Motala (29:05):
Instead of captain hook we have Blackberry.
Jennifer Chevais (29:08):
Yeah.
Um, so that would be interestingto know also, I don't know if
you can do it in a pitch likethis, but getting a sense of
even the bad guy's agency.
Why is he doing these things andwhy does it matter to tinker
bell that she stops him?
Natalie Kimber (29:26):
Um, I'm gonna jump in and say, oh, oh my gosh,
1990s, New Jersey.
I live in New Jersey now.
I wish I could go back to 1990s,New Jersey.
That sounds so amazing and sofun.
And I'm so curious, how arethese characters?
1990s?
What is 1990s tinker bell like,um, does she wear doc Martins?
Does she read the Deliascatalog?
(29:47):
You know, does she, um, and thenthe Blackberry character, what
is the 1990s, New Jersey blackbeard gang leader, like, um, I'm
it sounds like he's the sexiestskater out there, but is he
like, I would be so, so said tonote, does he have an eye patch?
Does he have a parrot?
That'd be even cooler.
Does he
Kathryn Willms (30:05):
Have a Walkman?
Natalie Kimber (30:07):
So just giving us a little more, uh, if
anything, if you wanna dosomething that's 1990s, um, drop
some references in there becausethe people that love it, the
people that are nostalgic forit, he like me.
We would love to see those.
Kathryn Willms (30:21):
Yeah.
I think it's great.
I think I can imagine like, likemaybe like really wide leg jeans
and then like, you know, likepure nightly, you always used to
wear those like little bandanatops.
Like I feel like tinker wouldlike she'd have like that kind
of vibe.
Right.
Maybe neon.
Totally.
Tasneem Motala (30:34):
I can totally imagine that just as a, just cuz
she's a fairy character.
Why not?
Sam Hiyate (30:38):
That's how she hides the wings.
Is that how it works?
Natalie Kimber (30:41):
Braver or tinker bell 16 year old raver tinker
bell.
Why
Kathryn Willms (30:44):
Not?
It'd be cute.
Sam Hiyate (30:46):
Um, what do you guys think of these revisiting
classic stories?
Like there was that book thatjust came out where it was like
the great Gatsby retold and itseems to be like a recurring,
um, a, a way to build on theseestablished brands by having a
re of something a modern dayretelling if the guy earlier guy
pitched Frankenstein in a, in adifferent way.
(31:06):
So I, I think it's interestingthat the same way that Hollywood
wants to keep remaking thingsover and over and over rather
than trying to find new IP.
Sometimes I feel like it's a lotof writers will rather go
somewhere where it's known andthere's a known audience for it.
And it's an easier pitch.
A, you know, let's do anotherJane Austin novel with one of
the Darcy kids or whatever grownup now or, you know, the, the
(31:29):
grandchildren or whatever.
There's so many, there's like awhole franchise of these things.
Um, so yeah, uh, I haven'treally thought about Peter Penn
in a while, but it's interestingthat this pitch is out there and
she's kind of doing a mash upwith, um, um, treasure island, I
guess.
Right.
Peter pan meets treasure islandwith black beard.
Kathryn Willms (31:50):
Yeah.
I think I have two, two thoughtson that.
One is like, uh, I guessactually Sam, do you think
there's like permissions issues?
Like when you like, like tinker,Bella would be, I
Sam Hiyate (31:58):
Don't know what the copyright is for Peter pan it's
it's about copyright in the end.
Yeah.
Kathryn Willms (32:02):
That's about copyright it.
Sam Hiyate (32:04):
Yeah.
I dunno if it's in the publicdomain or not.
That's the question
Kathryn Willms (32:06):
Because tinker bell is such a fascinating
character.
Like I don't, I don't know maybemaybe those books exist, but I
can just see her as, uh, as themain character in a series or
something like that becauseshe's, she's, she's really like
underexplored in the Peter Pennuniverse in some ways, you know,
if Julia Roberts is playing you,like you got something, like, I
(32:27):
just feel like maybe, uh, I'd beinterested in like a tinker bell
universe, uh, Disney universe,perhaps this writer will, uh,
you know, will get hired to, tocreate such a thing.
Tasneem Motala (32:39):
Um, just on retellings, just I have like
something small desire.
Um, I love retellings, but I'malso super picky with them
because I feel like there's alot of them out there.
Um, especially for stuff likebeauty and the beast, not
necessarily for Peter pan, butthere are some out there.
Um, and I feel like at thispoint, what I look for the, and
retellings is, is a really,really fresh take.
(33:02):
Um, and personally just for me,because I take bipo rider only,
um, I feel like bipo rider willhave the most interesting takes
cuz we usually haven't heardfrom them yet in these spaces.
So I'm totally for them, butthey, they just have to be new
and fresh.
Kathryn Willms (33:21):
So everyone pitch TA name, your hot
retellings.
Uh, if you're a bipo writer.
Tasneem Motala (33:26):
Yes.
Hell yeah.
She, she,
Kathryn Willms (33:28):
She soon you want, she's amazing.
Tasneem Motala (33:29):
Oh, thank you.
Sam Hiyate (33:32):
Um, well guys, that was really fun.
I feel like we have to come back, uh, maybe do one of these
every season where we just kindof cast a wide net and see what
comes in.
Um, I do wanna thank everybodywho submitted, uh, there were
many of you and, um, I willprobably, uh, if there's anybody
that we really want, I, I I'vealready shared them with the
agency.
So if there's anybody that wereally wanna talk to, we'll get
(33:54):
back to you.
Uh, so thanks for submitting.
And for those of you who wediscussed, I, it, it was, um, uh
, enlightening to get our takeon it.
And I hope I, I don't think wewere too Savage.
I at least I hope not.
I hope we were constructive inour criticism.
Okay.
Everybody thanks so much.
That was, uh, um, it was greatto hear your feedback on the
(34:15):
pitches.
Um, I will see you next time.
Thanks
Tasneem Motala (34:18):
Sam.
Yeah.
Thanks so much.
Speaker 13 (34:20):
Bye.
Thanks for listening everyone.
Bye.
Sam Hiyate (34:22):
Bye.
Bye everybody.
So that wraps it up for episodesix and I'm sad to say for
season two, it's been a greatseason and it's been a great run
and a lot of fun as more andmore of you have discovered what
(34:44):
we're doing and tuning in.
And thanks for sharing the love.
Um, I'm seeing a lot moreratings and reviews.
So we're grateful.
We'd like to thank everybody whosubmitted a pitch, our agents
who responded.
And of course our producer,Andrew Kaufman, we're taking a
break now to catch our, a breathhere at the agency, finish our
submissions and plan for bookfairs, but we will be back with
(35:06):
more Asian provocateur in a fewmonths.
Take care, everyone.
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