December 3, 2025 • 24 mins
🔥 Buckle up — this episode is pure chaos and fire! Alex Bones is back and the internet is undefeated tonight!
We kick it off with @whitrants begging for a “new kind of dating”… bro, polyamory called, it wants its trend back 😂@itsrebeccamaxwell exposes the CUTEST thing older guys do that makes girls weak@proverbs_7.11 asks the real question: fellas, are we pro or anti nipple piercings on the first date? 👀Hillbilly Headline News is delivered by the queen @jenn_2436 — wait till you hear her unhinged take on whether we should bomb rug dealers 🇺🇸🦅@mandyyyking schools poor Jimmy on exactly how to finally “get some-some” (spoiler: confidence + teeth)If @anniemcfarland was a dude for 24 hours… let’s just say the world wouldn’t be ready 😈@hunderwoodzz needs the timeline to explain something to her and the comments are WILDAnd we close with @kateinnycc0 dropping the single worst Hinge date story in recorded history — you’ll never swipe again 🤢
Smash that like button, turn notifications ON, and come hang every week at BonesShow.comThis is the rowdiest corner of the internet — welcome to The Alex Bones Show!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
From high atop the Alex Bones building.
Broadcasting from the Alex BonesStudio.
Live on the Alex. Bones Radio Network This is the
number one syndicated radio showin the world the.
Alex Bones show. Hi, my name's Alex Show and this
(00:26):
is my show. Over 25,000,000 daily listeners.
(00:49):
The number one syndicated radio show in the world.
'Cause when you do this is the Alex phone show coming?
We'll flip the scraps. We'll roast your crew in case
(01:13):
where we can sell them. We play videos, we talk about
the videos. We tell you what's right, what's
not right, what's good, what's not good.
Jimmy, go ahead and kick us off with a video, please.
If you're anything like me, you also share my fascination with a
variety of ways that embezzlers can steal from their employers.
(01:33):
Yeah, I've always wondered that.How can you steal from the
people you work for and then go to work every day for that
company knowing that you're a thief?
A1 Properties in Kansas City is a family owned business that
employed 52 year old Jenny Cabral as the office manager.
(01:54):
As part of her job, she paid thebills of the company.
OK, so did she just made her owncompany I guess?
And enter those expenses into the accounting records.
And that combination of duties is a recipe for disaster.
Right, because you can say I thebones company, you have to pay
(02:16):
them $5000 a month or whatever. With both access to the company
bank account and access to the accounting records, Jenny was
able to begin electronically transferring money from the
company bank account into her own bank account.
Well, how somebody's got to do those bills, you have to hire
somebody to do that job. So how you going to hire
(02:38):
somebody to do that job and trust them at the same time?
You can't. She was also able to conceal her
theft by creating false accounting entries to create the
illusion that the payments were for legitimate expenses of her
employer. Yeah, this is the Jimmy Company.
And the Jimmy Company likes to be paid every single month.
(02:58):
So how can you trust anybody? And he was playing a long game
and she was able to control her theft and keep the annual dollar
amount low enough to not attractattention with Yeah.
Like 25 bucks a month. It could be for Amazon or
whatever. Bosses over A6 year period she
stole $300,000 which allowed herto make the payments on a 2019
(03:19):
Mazda CX9 that she had purchased.
She got a $300,000 Mazda and it'd be a really nice Mazda.
I mean, holy cow, it's got to bedipped in gold.
Oh Trump would love that dipped in gold Mazda.
Eventually, her boss stumbled upon an accounting entry that
made no sense and began digging.The trail led to Jenny.
(03:42):
The company called in the FBI, who looked into Jenny's bank
accounts and arrested her on fraud and money laundering.
Oh, wow, You got to call the FBI.
You can't just call her into theoffice and go explain this.
No, you got to call the FBI. Charges the FBI even seized and
forfeited Jenny's Mazda. Oh no, her solid gold Mazda.
(04:03):
At auction, with the proceeds going back to the victim
company, Jenny pled guilty to the charges, but at her
sentencing, the federal prosecutor informed the judge
that Jenny had done this before.Jenny's a faith.
In 2012, she pled guilty to a different embezzlement scheme
involving the creation of ghost payroller.
(04:23):
So you didn't call that company when you be before you hired
Jenny. You know, that's why you get
references and you call their last boss and you say, hey, what
kind of person is Jenny? Because I'm going to put her in
charge of, you know, all of our money.
So is she trustworthy or is she not?
(04:44):
First, with the unauthorized paychecks going to Jenny's bank
account. In that scam, she ripped off
$245,000. It's Broads making money.
And so, with the knowledge that this wasn't Jenny's first rodeo,
the judge sentenced her to five years in federal prison for the
Kansas City embezzlement. OK, So that's five years more
(05:05):
than 500,000 bucks. It's like 100 grand a year.
That's worth it. Thank you.
Next. I was telling my mom about how I
want a non traditional relationship.
Like after being divorced and being a single mom now I don't
want to get remarried. I don't want.
Yeah, nobody wants to remarry you anyway because you're single
mom. Have more kids and I want a
(05:25):
relationship where I'm like withthat person.
But we have our own houses, We have our own.
We're married, we have our own houses.
It's a. Perfect relationship.
Own autonomy, independence, but we still do things together.
OK, it's called dating. That's what it's called.
The No. Call it marriage, call it
dating. This is my boyfriend now.
(05:45):
We don't live together. That's what you do, that's what
you say. She listens to this podcast
called The Crow's Feet and she said there was an episode about
this and so she sent it to me and I listened to it.
It's called Lat Living Apart Together and apparently it's
really common. Or it's maybe not really it's.
Really common called dating. But it's becoming more common
for viewers to do this because they have their own lives.
(06:08):
They're likely divorced or widowed, they have their own
houses, they might have grandkids.
And it just like allows them to like maintain that without fully
diving in and committing their whole life to.
Every guy would do this. Every guy would do dating
forever. It's when you have that whole
cow milk discussion. You can't have the cow and not
(06:30):
buy the OR whatever the hell it is.
I don't even understand that. Neither did I, but some Broads
say you have to marry me or I'm leaving.
So it's like, OK, uncle, put your hands up, let's do it,
whatever. To this other person, and I'm
only 35, but that's what I want to do.
Like I don't want to get remarried.
(06:51):
I don't want. To nobody wants to marry your 35
year old single mother ass anyway.
Live with someone. I want to do the companionship
type of thing where we can have our own dives, but we do things
together. It's called dating.
I would love to hear if people have done this, yeah.
It's called dating. Whether you're like in your 30s,
(07:13):
forties, 50s, whatever. I'm just so curious because I do
think this is a great idea because it allows you just to
maintain your own life, you know?
And I think too, for what? Is wrong with this broad.
Kids, it's healthy to not like dive right into a new
relationship and live with someone and all the things.
The only downside obviously is you can't split bills.
Friends with benefits, it's kindof what that's called it's
(07:34):
called dating and friends with benefits.
Thank you. Next.
One of the cutest things about dating older men is that when
they like, text something. Wrong.
It's like not because they're stupid, they just like, don't
know. Like, no, it's because we don't
know. We don't care.
They don't even know. Better and it's so cute now it
(07:58):
just it takes a long time to write lol because you got to go
667770774 it's hard to do on a flip phone.
Thank you. Next I just got my nipples
pierced and now I have a question for men.
Let's see it over the age of 40.Yeah, I don't believe you.
Let me see it. If a woman.
(08:19):
Told you. She was getting her nipples
pierced. OK, I would want to see it.
And then offered. To show you the.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. New piercings?
What would your response be? If you say I got my nipples
pierced and a guy says no I don't want to see it, then
you're dating a gay guy. And I think even gay guys want
to see that even, I mean marriedmen, you know, sure you're not
(08:44):
cheating. You're looking that cheating.
I want stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.
So I believe I'm qualified to look.
Let me look. Thank you.
Next. Those of you who constantly have
been asking me how I feel about the boat strikes.
Here's the heavenly headline news.
I'll play the bed. OK, here's the bed now.
(09:08):
Now you tell everybody who she is.
Jan 2436 and she does hillbilly headline news on the Alexs phone
show. I am not devastated that rug
boats will no longer be able to bring their rugs into the
country. Oh, but the carpet industry is
(09:30):
going to fold. I am not devastated that we
finally have an administration willing to take a stand for the
American people. OK, I rarely I disagree with
this broad. I let her spew whatever she
wants to talk about, but you can't call yourself a Christian
(09:51):
and then blow people's boat and lives out of the water.
You can't do that. You go down there and you get a
boat and you pull them over and you rest them and you take them
to custody. That's called being a Christian
that blowing them into the next World.
(10:15):
I don't get it. You have crosses on your hand,
but you're for killing people that you don't even know if
they're a fishing boat, they could be a fishing boat.
You don't know. Go down there, find out you get
another boat, get faster boat. You know, we have planes that
(10:39):
go, they're so fast, they break the sound barrier.
We have submarines go so fast. You can't tell me we don't have,
as the United States of America,the Army, Navy, Air Force,
Marines, You can't tell me that we don't have a boat to go that
(11:01):
fast. We do.
We have boats that go really, really, really fast.
So put a boat down there they go.
Pull them over to get pover to say Harvard Satan in Spanish Big
rock. Answer this question for me.
How do you say pull over in Spanish baraka?
(11:26):
Say baraka, baraka, baraka. Now you say is you get a boat
that goes super fast and you pull over the drug people.
You say baraka and then they pull over and you get them
baraka pull them over and then you you ask them if they're drug
dealer. If they're drug dealer, then you
(11:46):
put them in jail. You don't just kill them for no
reason. I am not devastated President
Trump has put Maduro on notice. Hopefully this will be a
deterrent. Why is he putting Maduro on
notice? To those people who were running
these rugs into our country, it's going.
(12:07):
To hurt the carpet industry. Hopefully they see that the
Trump administration is not playing games with them.
But they could do same thing if you pull them over.
Is. It give me your rugs of.
You that are upset about this, Ican't wrap my mind around it.
I just cannot understand. OK, it's called life.
(12:29):
It's the word life that means forever and that's a mighty long
time. But I'm here to tell you there's
something else. The afterlife, world, whatever.
A world of ever never ending happiness.
You can always see the sun, day or night.
Whoa, That went from Maduro to Mad Libs real quick.
(12:50):
You can always see this on day or night.
So what do you call it? That tree in Beverly Hills?
You know the one God didn't put me.
All right, Semi out of God at the time is right.
Ask him what? You're mine, baby.
Because in this life, things aremuch harder than the afterworld.
In this life, you're on your own.
(13:10):
Sounds like you're high or having a stroke.
Congrats. I wouldn't wish the life of
addiction upon my worst enemy, and I am so proud of this
president. You don't have to kill him,
though. You can.
You can take them and put them in Guantanamo Bay.
And his administration take up. The Alcatraz.
For doing something, for doing something that's going to make a
(13:34):
difference, there's my answer. OK, well you could do that with
drones and you go, there's a rugdealer right there hauling rugs,
go get them. And then the boat goes and and
gets them. You could do that without the
word murder. That's your Headbelly headline
news. Thank you.
(13:55):
Next it'd be so. Nice if I had a man who.
Would do anything. For me, honestly I was going to
say get my oil changed but. I could get your oil changed.
I could check your oil and and clean the you could click.
No. You could clean the dipstick and
when I checked the oil and I could change oil, I could do
(14:18):
anything you want. You just call me.
Call me. Yeah, call Jimmy.
Thank you. Next.
Men, I want to share something with you OK this is valuable
information that will help you get laid so let's.
I. Got Oh, hold on, I'm going to
take notes. This is this is noteworthy right
(14:41):
here. This Is she going to let me know
how to get me some some? So OK.
You you tell me how to get me some something, I'll write it
down. Send to this OK women.
Love it. More than anything.
OK, women love it. OK, I know they do.
When you active, listen to them and apply that to something in
(15:03):
the future. Oh shit, I gotta listen to them.
OK, maybe. You have stopped listening to me
by now, in which case I'm going to.
Say boobies is. OK.
Boobies. What'd she say?
I'm listening now. OK, I'm with boobies.
I wrote that down. Tutas, tutas.
OK, are we back? OK, now that we're back, let me
(15:26):
give you an example of this. OK, OK.
I. Told a man that it.
Matters. A lot.
To me when but he does small things for me like brings me
flowers, thoughtful gestures andI mentioned this in a
conversation a man listens to meI.
Know, but they all say that. They all say I love flowers.
(15:48):
You know what's expensive? Flowers.
You know what doesn't last long?Flowers.
You know what? When I bring you flowers, you
tell me that I cheated on you because they're flowers.
And on our next date, he brings me one single rose as a
thoughtful gesture. And in my mind I'm thinking, Oh
(16:10):
my God, this guy listened to something that I mentioned
casually and. Applied it to.
Something in the future all. Right.
So basically you're saying buy me things?
I want to make out with him right now.
Because he bought you things. Got it.
Thank you. Next.
(16:31):
I think if you. Were to ask women how they would
spend their time if they were a man for a day.
Common answers would be like howmany doughnuts could I stack on
the Ding Dong or can I make it flop around like an elephant
trunk? But that would not be my answer.
I would focus almost exclusivelyon the balls because I don't
understand them the most. No, you wouldn't focus on the
(16:52):
balls at all because we don't really care about we don't like
balls because balls stick and and they hurt, you know when
when you touch them the wrong way.
So no, it is the minute you would feel how much, how bad
they would hurt you wouldn't youwouldn't you wouldn't touch
those. Most attention they ever get
during spicy time is a little and that's about it.
(17:15):
Because I couldn't. Fathom having two hairy,
wrinkly, saggy sacks just dangling between my legs.
Slap it on my thigh. It's not that isn't.
It's not that fun. As I move and the design makes 0
fucking sense. What do you mean that the most
sensitive part of your body is? We didn't design it.
(17:35):
I mean, we didn't, you know, it's not like accessory.
When we built the car we said yeah, give me those.
It's not like mud flaps on a Honda Accord on the website they
just they come with those built in.
Hanging on the outside. Of your body.
OK, we, we wouldn't have put them on the outside of our body
(17:57):
if we designed it. We would have put it on the
inside of the body, you know, because then it wouldn't hurt
when you kicked us there or whenwe jump on our BMX bike and we
land on the seat. It wouldn't hurt.
But we didn't design it. We didn't request it.
We didn't design it. Who the fuck came up with that
design flaw? God.
(18:17):
And then it's the whole pant situation, like does the seam of
your. Pants.
Yeah, we see. Yeah.
Go between them so you have one ball on either side.
Would they fall to one side or the other?
We, you, we don't wear pants that damn tight that we have to
worry about which side the ballsgo on.
No, we don't worry about that because pants don't.
Or if you're wearing pants that tight then you're an emo kid.
(18:42):
Smacking around. The only thing balls are good
for is putting them on your buddy's forehead when he's
sleeping and taking a photo. Tea bagging things, That's the
only thing they're good for. Cupped in next to each other and
working in tandem, I I feel likethe amount of research that I
would do as a man on my balls would be a little problematic.
(19:07):
If I was a woman for one day, I'd play with my boobies and now
I would look. At my boobies a lot.
And I'd take photos of them and send them to my friends and say,
look at my boobies. And then I would try to put
things, you know, there and I'd see what I could put in there.
Like a wallet. Yeah, you wouldn't even have to
(19:28):
carry a wallet because you couldjust carry your your license and
and change and dollar bills and stuff in there.
So I would just try to put everything I could in there and
then play with my boobies. That's all I would do.
If I was a woman for one day, I could watch like Pretty Woman
and get it and understand it. Now I watch it and I just go,
(19:51):
this is a dumb ass movie, you know, so I had I could actually
watch it as a broad and maybe cry.
I don't know, say he. Next, sometimes when?
I'm. Trying to distract myself from
whatever I'm about to do. Because it's.
Sad or whatever. I start.
Thinking of really irrelevant things in my life.
Great. That's what we need.
(20:12):
We need women to think of irrelevant things and worry
about that. That's what all women do.
And the one that I'm thinking about right now.
Is the fact. That my husband had girlfriends
before me. Yeah, because we did.
We had a life before you, and I'm not OK with it.
Oh, great. So you're going to bring that up
(20:34):
in a fight? Why?
You dated other women before me?Really.
Yeah. I'm just.
I'm just sitting here and I'm not OK with it.
And I'll say that sometime. OK, but like.
What do you mean you didn't loveme your entire life?
Is this really what people go through in relationships?
Yeah, when you get into a fight with abroad, she's going to
(20:56):
bring things like this up and say I can't believe you dated
other women in the 80s and you say I didn't even know you.
Yeah, how can they fight with you about?
That trust me, they can explain that.
Explain him. I just don't understand.
Kind of pisses me off the more Ithink about it.
(21:17):
Great, so the more she thinks about that, the madder she gets.
Thank you. Next.
I went on the worst Hinge date ever, so here's the story.
I bet you didn't, because I bet we have worst Hinge stories
every single night on this show,but you give it your best shot.
So of course, you know, we'd matched, chatted, he seemed
(21:37):
really cute and nice, which is not always the norm for the
people who I'm seeing on Hinge. So I was really excited about it
and he planned a dinner date. So I get to the restaurant and
he's cute in real life, like it's kind of normal.
But he keeps doing like weird things, like just like staring
at me in silence for like a longtime, just like making eye
(21:58):
contact. Yeah, he's a serial killer.
So he orders a bottle of wine and you know, cute, good great.
Then when it comes he literally pulled a zip lock bag out of his
pocket that had protein powder in it and was like I hope you
don't mind if I add this to the wine.
To the wine. That's weird.
(22:18):
And I was like, maybe like to your glass, but I think I'm
good. And he literally looks at me and
was like, well, how much do you weigh?
Because you're probably not getting enough protein.
So obviously super awkward. And then.
Get on this scale. Like throughout the whole
dinner, he just I. Want to know if we're going to
continue those dates get on thisscale?
(22:38):
Kept kind of saying things that I was like why is this
borderline giving like I'm an alpha male but never explicitly
saying that and I'm like whatever, just I'm going to I'm.
Telling you if a guy brings his own protein and puts it in the
water wine, you don't need to date this guy.
Enjoy this meal and then I thinkthis will be done.
The end of the dinner comes, youknow, the check comes and then
(22:58):
he's like, by the way, I hope you don't mind that I was
recording this date. I have a podcast where I give
men dating advice and I like to include clips from my real life
in the podcast. At that point I was just like,
OK, whatever. I actually don't care.
I just am ready for this date tobe over.
But the crazy thing is the next day I got brunch with my friend
and I was telling her about it and she literally knew him
(23:20):
because her cousin had also goneon a date with him and he had
literally pulled the same thing.Like girl why didn't?
Why didn't I tell her this before I went?
Feel like that's why apps like left field that show you people
who you have in common are so much better than Hinge.
Because then I literally wouldn't have had to go On this
date if I had known that she knew him.
Even when you that is so something I would do.
(23:43):
Even when you do you mind if I put this on my show?
It's the number one syndicated radio show in the world.
Go and I want to show how much of a bitch you are.
So say hi into the bike. You ever put it on the show?
Jimmy'z gonna make fun of you. That's a lot of celebrity single
(24:03):
day.
From high atop the Alex Bones building.
Broadcasting from the Alex BonesStudio.
Live on the Alex. Bones Radio Network This is the
number one syndicated radio showin the world the.
Alex Bones show. Hi, my name's Alex Show and this
(00:26):
is my show. Over 25,000,000 daily listeners.
(00:49):
The number one syndicated radio show in the world.
'Cause when you do this is the Alex phone show coming?
We'll flip the scraps. We'll roast your crew in case
(01:13):
where we can sell them. We play videos, we talk about
the videos. We tell you what's right, what's
not right, what's good, what's not good.
Jimmy, go ahead and kick us off with a video, please.
If you're anything like me, you also share my fascination with a
variety of ways that embezzlers can steal from their employers.
(01:33):
Yeah, I've always wondered that.How can you steal from the
people you work for and then go to work every day for that
company knowing that you're a thief?
A1 Properties in Kansas City is a family owned business that
employed 52 year old Jenny Cabral as the office manager.
(01:54):
As part of her job, she paid thebills of the company.
OK, so did she just made her owncompany I guess?
And enter those expenses into the accounting records.
And that combination of duties is a recipe for disaster.
Right, because you can say I thebones company, you have to pay
(02:16):
them $5000 a month or whatever. With both access to the company
bank account and access to the accounting records, Jenny was
able to begin electronically transferring money from the
company bank account into her own bank account.
Well, how somebody's got to do those bills, you have to hire
somebody to do that job. So how you going to hire
(02:38):
somebody to do that job and trust them at the same time?
You can't. She was also able to conceal her
theft by creating false accounting entries to create the
illusion that the payments were for legitimate expenses of her
employer. Yeah, this is the Jimmy Company.
And the Jimmy Company likes to be paid every single month.
(02:58):
So how can you trust anybody? And he was playing a long game
and she was able to control her theft and keep the annual dollar
amount low enough to not attractattention with Yeah.
Like 25 bucks a month. It could be for Amazon or
whatever. Bosses over A6 year period she
stole $300,000 which allowed herto make the payments on a 2019
(03:19):
Mazda CX9 that she had purchased.
She got a $300,000 Mazda and it'd be a really nice Mazda.
I mean, holy cow, it's got to bedipped in gold.
Oh Trump would love that dipped in gold Mazda.
Eventually, her boss stumbled upon an accounting entry that
made no sense and began digging.The trail led to Jenny.
(03:42):
The company called in the FBI, who looked into Jenny's bank
accounts and arrested her on fraud and money laundering.
Oh, wow, You got to call the FBI.
You can't just call her into theoffice and go explain this.
No, you got to call the FBI. Charges the FBI even seized and
forfeited Jenny's Mazda. Oh no, her solid gold Mazda.
(04:03):
At auction, with the proceeds going back to the victim
company, Jenny pled guilty to the charges, but at her
sentencing, the federal prosecutor informed the judge
that Jenny had done this before.Jenny's a faith.
In 2012, she pled guilty to a different embezzlement scheme
involving the creation of ghost payroller.
(04:23):
So you didn't call that company when you be before you hired
Jenny. You know, that's why you get
references and you call their last boss and you say, hey, what
kind of person is Jenny? Because I'm going to put her in
charge of, you know, all of our money.
So is she trustworthy or is she not?
(04:44):
First, with the unauthorized paychecks going to Jenny's bank
account. In that scam, she ripped off
$245,000. It's Broads making money.
And so, with the knowledge that this wasn't Jenny's first rodeo,
the judge sentenced her to five years in federal prison for the
Kansas City embezzlement. OK, So that's five years more
(05:05):
than 500,000 bucks. It's like 100 grand a year.
That's worth it. Thank you.
Next. I was telling my mom about how I
want a non traditional relationship.
Like after being divorced and being a single mom now I don't
want to get remarried. I don't want.
Yeah, nobody wants to remarry you anyway because you're single
mom. Have more kids and I want a
(05:25):
relationship where I'm like withthat person.
But we have our own houses, We have our own.
We're married, we have our own houses.
It's a. Perfect relationship.
Own autonomy, independence, but we still do things together.
OK, it's called dating. That's what it's called.
The No. Call it marriage, call it
dating. This is my boyfriend now.
(05:45):
We don't live together. That's what you do, that's what
you say. She listens to this podcast
called The Crow's Feet and she said there was an episode about
this and so she sent it to me and I listened to it.
It's called Lat Living Apart Together and apparently it's
really common. Or it's maybe not really it's.
Really common called dating. But it's becoming more common
for viewers to do this because they have their own lives.
(06:08):
They're likely divorced or widowed, they have their own
houses, they might have grandkids.
And it just like allows them to like maintain that without fully
diving in and committing their whole life to.
Every guy would do this. Every guy would do dating
forever. It's when you have that whole
cow milk discussion. You can't have the cow and not
(06:30):
buy the OR whatever the hell it is.
I don't even understand that. Neither did I, but some Broads
say you have to marry me or I'm leaving.
So it's like, OK, uncle, put your hands up, let's do it,
whatever. To this other person, and I'm
only 35, but that's what I want to do.
Like I don't want to get remarried.
(06:51):
I don't want. To nobody wants to marry your 35
year old single mother ass anyway.
Live with someone. I want to do the companionship
type of thing where we can have our own dives, but we do things
together. It's called dating.
I would love to hear if people have done this, yeah.
It's called dating. Whether you're like in your 30s,
(07:13):
forties, 50s, whatever. I'm just so curious because I do
think this is a great idea because it allows you just to
maintain your own life, you know?
And I think too, for what? Is wrong with this broad.
Kids, it's healthy to not like dive right into a new
relationship and live with someone and all the things.
The only downside obviously is you can't split bills.
Friends with benefits, it's kindof what that's called it's
(07:34):
called dating and friends with benefits.
Thank you. Next.
One of the cutest things about dating older men is that when
they like, text something. Wrong.
It's like not because they're stupid, they just like, don't
know. Like, no, it's because we don't
know. We don't care.
They don't even know. Better and it's so cute now it
(07:58):
just it takes a long time to write lol because you got to go
667770774 it's hard to do on a flip phone.
Thank you. Next I just got my nipples
pierced and now I have a question for men.
Let's see it over the age of 40.Yeah, I don't believe you.
Let me see it. If a woman.
(08:19):
Told you. She was getting her nipples
pierced. OK, I would want to see it.
And then offered. To show you the.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. New piercings?
What would your response be? If you say I got my nipples
pierced and a guy says no I don't want to see it, then
you're dating a gay guy. And I think even gay guys want
to see that even, I mean marriedmen, you know, sure you're not
(08:44):
cheating. You're looking that cheating.
I want stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.
So I believe I'm qualified to look.
Let me look. Thank you.
Next. Those of you who constantly have
been asking me how I feel about the boat strikes.
Here's the heavenly headline news.
I'll play the bed. OK, here's the bed now.
(09:08):
Now you tell everybody who she is.
Jan 2436 and she does hillbilly headline news on the Alexs phone
show. I am not devastated that rug
boats will no longer be able to bring their rugs into the
country. Oh, but the carpet industry is
(09:30):
going to fold. I am not devastated that we
finally have an administration willing to take a stand for the
American people. OK, I rarely I disagree with
this broad. I let her spew whatever she
wants to talk about, but you can't call yourself a Christian
(09:51):
and then blow people's boat and lives out of the water.
You can't do that. You go down there and you get a
boat and you pull them over and you rest them and you take them
to custody. That's called being a Christian
that blowing them into the next World.
(10:15):
I don't get it. You have crosses on your hand,
but you're for killing people that you don't even know if
they're a fishing boat, they could be a fishing boat.
You don't know. Go down there, find out you get
another boat, get faster boat. You know, we have planes that
(10:39):
go, they're so fast, they break the sound barrier.
We have submarines go so fast. You can't tell me we don't have,
as the United States of America,the Army, Navy, Air Force,
Marines, You can't tell me that we don't have a boat to go that
(11:01):
fast. We do.
We have boats that go really, really, really fast.
So put a boat down there they go.
Pull them over to get pover to say Harvard Satan in Spanish Big
rock. Answer this question for me.
How do you say pull over in Spanish baraka?
(11:26):
Say baraka, baraka, baraka. Now you say is you get a boat
that goes super fast and you pull over the drug people.
You say baraka and then they pull over and you get them
baraka pull them over and then you you ask them if they're drug
dealer. If they're drug dealer, then you
(11:46):
put them in jail. You don't just kill them for no
reason. I am not devastated President
Trump has put Maduro on notice. Hopefully this will be a
deterrent. Why is he putting Maduro on
notice? To those people who were running
these rugs into our country, it's going.
(12:07):
To hurt the carpet industry. Hopefully they see that the
Trump administration is not playing games with them.
But they could do same thing if you pull them over.
Is. It give me your rugs of.
You that are upset about this, Ican't wrap my mind around it.
I just cannot understand. OK, it's called life.
(12:29):
It's the word life that means forever and that's a mighty long
time. But I'm here to tell you there's
something else. The afterlife, world, whatever.
A world of ever never ending happiness.
You can always see the sun, day or night.
Whoa, That went from Maduro to Mad Libs real quick.
(12:50):
You can always see this on day or night.
So what do you call it? That tree in Beverly Hills?
You know the one God didn't put me.
All right, Semi out of God at the time is right.
Ask him what? You're mine, baby.
Because in this life, things aremuch harder than the afterworld.
In this life, you're on your own.
(13:10):
Sounds like you're high or having a stroke.
Congrats. I wouldn't wish the life of
addiction upon my worst enemy, and I am so proud of this
president. You don't have to kill him,
though. You can.
You can take them and put them in Guantanamo Bay.
And his administration take up. The Alcatraz.
For doing something, for doing something that's going to make a
(13:34):
difference, there's my answer. OK, well you could do that with
drones and you go, there's a rugdealer right there hauling rugs,
go get them. And then the boat goes and and
gets them. You could do that without the
word murder. That's your Headbelly headline
news. Thank you.
(13:55):
Next it'd be so. Nice if I had a man who.
Would do anything. For me, honestly I was going to
say get my oil changed but. I could get your oil changed.
I could check your oil and and clean the you could click.
No. You could clean the dipstick and
when I checked the oil and I could change oil, I could do
(14:18):
anything you want. You just call me.
Call me. Yeah, call Jimmy.
Thank you. Next.
Men, I want to share something with you OK this is valuable
information that will help you get laid so let's.
I. Got Oh, hold on, I'm going to
take notes. This is this is noteworthy right
(14:41):
here. This Is she going to let me know
how to get me some some? So OK.
You you tell me how to get me some something, I'll write it
down. Send to this OK women.
Love it. More than anything.
OK, women love it. OK, I know they do.
When you active, listen to them and apply that to something in
(15:03):
the future. Oh shit, I gotta listen to them.
OK, maybe. You have stopped listening to me
by now, in which case I'm going to.
Say boobies is. OK.
Boobies. What'd she say?
I'm listening now. OK, I'm with boobies.
I wrote that down. Tutas, tutas.
OK, are we back? OK, now that we're back, let me
(15:26):
give you an example of this. OK, OK.
I. Told a man that it.
Matters. A lot.
To me when but he does small things for me like brings me
flowers, thoughtful gestures andI mentioned this in a
conversation a man listens to meI.
Know, but they all say that. They all say I love flowers.
(15:48):
You know what's expensive? Flowers.
You know what doesn't last long?Flowers.
You know what? When I bring you flowers, you
tell me that I cheated on you because they're flowers.
And on our next date, he brings me one single rose as a
thoughtful gesture. And in my mind I'm thinking, Oh
(16:10):
my God, this guy listened to something that I mentioned
casually and. Applied it to.
Something in the future all. Right.
So basically you're saying buy me things?
I want to make out with him right now.
Because he bought you things. Got it.
Thank you. Next.
(16:31):
I think if you. Were to ask women how they would
spend their time if they were a man for a day.
Common answers would be like howmany doughnuts could I stack on
the Ding Dong or can I make it flop around like an elephant
trunk? But that would not be my answer.
I would focus almost exclusivelyon the balls because I don't
understand them the most. No, you wouldn't focus on the
(16:52):
balls at all because we don't really care about we don't like
balls because balls stick and and they hurt, you know when
when you touch them the wrong way.
So no, it is the minute you would feel how much, how bad
they would hurt you wouldn't youwouldn't you wouldn't touch
those. Most attention they ever get
during spicy time is a little and that's about it.
(17:15):
Because I couldn't. Fathom having two hairy,
wrinkly, saggy sacks just dangling between my legs.
Slap it on my thigh. It's not that isn't.
It's not that fun. As I move and the design makes 0
fucking sense. What do you mean that the most
sensitive part of your body is? We didn't design it.
(17:35):
I mean, we didn't, you know, it's not like accessory.
When we built the car we said yeah, give me those.
It's not like mud flaps on a Honda Accord on the website they
just they come with those built in.
Hanging on the outside. Of your body.
OK, we, we wouldn't have put them on the outside of our body
(17:57):
if we designed it. We would have put it on the
inside of the body, you know, because then it wouldn't hurt
when you kicked us there or whenwe jump on our BMX bike and we
land on the seat. It wouldn't hurt.
But we didn't design it. We didn't request it.
We didn't design it. Who the fuck came up with that
design flaw? God.
(18:17):
And then it's the whole pant situation, like does the seam of
your. Pants.
Yeah, we see. Yeah.
Go between them so you have one ball on either side.
Would they fall to one side or the other?
We, you, we don't wear pants that damn tight that we have to
worry about which side the ballsgo on.
No, we don't worry about that because pants don't.
Or if you're wearing pants that tight then you're an emo kid.
(18:42):
Smacking around. The only thing balls are good
for is putting them on your buddy's forehead when he's
sleeping and taking a photo. Tea bagging things, That's the
only thing they're good for. Cupped in next to each other and
working in tandem, I I feel likethe amount of research that I
would do as a man on my balls would be a little problematic.
(19:07):
If I was a woman for one day, I'd play with my boobies and now
I would look. At my boobies a lot.
And I'd take photos of them and send them to my friends and say,
look at my boobies. And then I would try to put
things, you know, there and I'd see what I could put in there.
Like a wallet. Yeah, you wouldn't even have to
(19:28):
carry a wallet because you couldjust carry your your license and
and change and dollar bills and stuff in there.
So I would just try to put everything I could in there and
then play with my boobies. That's all I would do.
If I was a woman for one day, I could watch like Pretty Woman
and get it and understand it. Now I watch it and I just go,
(19:51):
this is a dumb ass movie, you know, so I had I could actually
watch it as a broad and maybe cry.
I don't know, say he. Next, sometimes when?
I'm. Trying to distract myself from
whatever I'm about to do. Because it's.
Sad or whatever. I start.
Thinking of really irrelevant things in my life.
Great. That's what we need.
(20:12):
We need women to think of irrelevant things and worry
about that. That's what all women do.
And the one that I'm thinking about right now.
Is the fact. That my husband had girlfriends
before me. Yeah, because we did.
We had a life before you, and I'm not OK with it.
Oh, great. So you're going to bring that up
(20:34):
in a fight? Why?
You dated other women before me?Really.
Yeah. I'm just.
I'm just sitting here and I'm not OK with it.
And I'll say that sometime. OK, but like.
What do you mean you didn't loveme your entire life?
Is this really what people go through in relationships?
Yeah, when you get into a fight with abroad, she's going to
(20:56):
bring things like this up and say I can't believe you dated
other women in the 80s and you say I didn't even know you.
Yeah, how can they fight with you about?
That trust me, they can explain that.
Explain him. I just don't understand.
Kind of pisses me off the more Ithink about it.
(21:17):
Great, so the more she thinks about that, the madder she gets.
Thank you. Next.
I went on the worst Hinge date ever, so here's the story.
I bet you didn't, because I bet we have worst Hinge stories
every single night on this show,but you give it your best shot.
So of course, you know, we'd matched, chatted, he seemed
(21:37):
really cute and nice, which is not always the norm for the
people who I'm seeing on Hinge. So I was really excited about it
and he planned a dinner date. So I get to the restaurant and
he's cute in real life, like it's kind of normal.
But he keeps doing like weird things, like just like staring
at me in silence for like a longtime, just like making eye
(21:58):
contact. Yeah, he's a serial killer.
So he orders a bottle of wine and you know, cute, good great.
Then when it comes he literally pulled a zip lock bag out of his
pocket that had protein powder in it and was like I hope you
don't mind if I add this to the wine.
To the wine. That's weird.
(22:18):
And I was like, maybe like to your glass, but I think I'm
good. And he literally looks at me and
was like, well, how much do you weigh?
Because you're probably not getting enough protein.
So obviously super awkward. And then.
Get on this scale. Like throughout the whole
dinner, he just I. Want to know if we're going to
continue those dates get on thisscale?
(22:38):
Kept kind of saying things that I was like why is this
borderline giving like I'm an alpha male but never explicitly
saying that and I'm like whatever, just I'm going to I'm.
Telling you if a guy brings his own protein and puts it in the
water wine, you don't need to date this guy.
Enjoy this meal and then I thinkthis will be done.
The end of the dinner comes, youknow, the check comes and then
(22:58):
he's like, by the way, I hope you don't mind that I was
recording this date. I have a podcast where I give
men dating advice and I like to include clips from my real life
in the podcast. At that point I was just like,
OK, whatever. I actually don't care.
I just am ready for this date tobe over.
But the crazy thing is the next day I got brunch with my friend
and I was telling her about it and she literally knew him
(23:20):
because her cousin had also goneon a date with him and he had
literally pulled the same thing.Like girl why didn't?
Why didn't I tell her this before I went?
Feel like that's why apps like left field that show you people
who you have in common are so much better than Hinge.
Because then I literally wouldn't have had to go On this
date if I had known that she knew him.
Even when you that is so something I would do.
(23:43):
Even when you do you mind if I put this on my show?
It's the number one syndicated radio show in the world.
Go and I want to show how much of a bitch you are.
So say hi into the bike. You ever put it on the show?
Jimmy'z gonna make fun of you. That's a lot of celebrity single
(24:03):
day.
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