April 8, 2025 • 46 mins
What happens when your entire identity falls apart — AGAIN and AGAIN? In this episode, I sit down with Jillian Murphy who has faced more by 46 than most do in a lifetime. We talk about healing, heartbreak, forgiveness, body image, dating authentically, and becoming magnetic in life and business. She shares about surviving childhood cancer three times, navigating the heartbreak of multiple divorces, and being betrayed by her best friend and husband. We also break down tips on how to reclaim your confidence. Remember, it’s never too late to rewrite your story.
HIGHLIGHTS
00:00 How being diagnosed with cancer at age 5 impacted Jillian Murphy.
06:15 How childhood trauma shapes your relationships and emotional health.
09:30 What repeating pattern did you see in your unhealthy relationships?
14:00 The heartbreak of a six-year affair betrayal.
17:30 How were you able to let go of the shame and start healing?
25:00 Tips to change how you approach friendship after you’ve been hurt.
31:45 The “List of 100” confidence exercise you need to try.
36:30 How being fully yourself makes you more magnetic in business and leadership.
41:00 22 Fire questions about mantras, alter egos, guilty pleasures, and MORE.
RESOURCES + LINKS
Check out upcoming retreats + more: chrissymay.com
FOLLOW
Chrissy May: @thechrissymay
Jillian Murphy: @thejillianmurphy
**GRAB MY BOOK ON AMAZON!**
https://a.co/d/63r93l6
Connect with Chrissy:
YouTube: @ChrissyMayAligned
Instagram: @theChrissyMay
Website for more information: ChrissyMay.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
She's faced the unimaginable Cancer, divorce and
total identity collapse.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
We had a really a great marriage.
I thought I planned a surpriseparty for him, huge surprise
party, spent tens of thousanddollars and like they were
having sex like in the bathroomat it, like things like that.
It was really hard for me toeven get close to people because
I had seen so many friends die.
That's heavy, heavy.
Five or six years later, thisguy messages me on Facebook.
(00:28):
He's a police officer.
We get married, so now I'm twopolice officers.
Is it the handcuffs?
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's the cuffs,the uniform, like they're just
like assholes, like I don't knowwhat it is right Probably one
of the best dating advices I'veheard in a long time.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Thank you, like.
We need to have that as a clipon Instagram.
Thank you, that's real liferight there.
Welcome back all you beautifulsouls, to another episode of
Aligned and Alive.
Today's episode is going to moveyou.
It's one of those conversationsyou'll carry with you long
(01:08):
after the final word, and notjust because of what's said, but
because of what it awakens.
It's a powerful reminder thatyour rock bottom can become the
foundation for your rebirth.
Today you're about to meet awoman who walked through fire
and turned it into fuel.
She's faced the unimaginablecancer, divorce and total
(01:30):
identity collapse, but insteadof staying stuck in the story,
she chose to rise.
She did the deep inner work,she reconnected with her truth
and she rebuilt a life that nowradiates with love, purpose and
power.
She is the living embodiment ofwhat it means to alchemize pain
into purpose, now living a lifelit up by love, success and
(01:52):
sisterhood.
She's a top performer in hersales career and a proud member
of the Elite EntrepreneurMastermind, which we are both
still on a high from our firstweek retreat just a few weeks
ago in Newport Beach and herfirst live in-person event that
took place here last week inScottsdale, arizona.
Please welcome the lovelyJillian Murphy oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
thank you for that intro.
I am so excited to be here andjust like absolutely connect
with you.
Like I remember when we met andI was just like so drawn to you
, and now to be sitting acrossfrom you, like just so honored
to be here and have a beautifulconversation with you today,
thank, you, girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
My gosh, it's so exciting to have you be here.
I, like I've wanted to go intoa deep episode with you for the
longest time, but now I realizewhy it took a while to happen,
because now I'm learning moreabout you and your story, which
is so incredible.
It is like the real lifechallenges.
And not just one divorce, butthree divorces.
(02:49):
Not just beating cancer onetime, but three times.
So let's go back to thebreakdown before the
breakthrough and hear your rawand challenges that you faced
along the way.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
So I'm not really sure whereyou want to start, but I mean
I'll start with like thebeginning, right?
So I mean I had my first boutof cancer when I was five years
old you know, just a little girlplaying on the playground.
I remember coming home andtelling my mom like I don't
really feel good, I just feellike I have a cold.
And my mom taking me to thedoctor's office and them saying
(03:20):
to her like most doctors do whenyou have a little kid like oh,
she just has a cold.
And I remember hearing that,like in the doctor's office,
like she just has a cold, andgoing home and still not feeling
better and being like mom, Istill don't feel good.
And I think that even played apart later in life where people
like didn't really believe whatI was saying, like oh, this
doesn't feel good or this isn'tworking, people being like, oh,
(03:42):
it's just this.
So that was like a reallypivotal moment, even like as a
young girl.
But you know, I remember, afterlike months of still not
feeling good, my mom taking meinto the doctor and being like
she's not right, like somethingis not good, and you know them
taking me in and me gettingdiagnosed with acute lymphatic
leukemia.
I had my first round of it forabout 18 months and back then I
(04:04):
mean not that you ever want toget cancer, not that you ever
want to get cancer as a child,but in the 80s it's much
different than it is now.
So you know, we were liketesting out new drugs, we were
testing out all sorts of thingsand, yeah, it was hell.
I mean, it was absolutely hell.
But even back then my parentswould even tell you this if they
were on this podcast today itwas really like my attitude that
(04:26):
got me through it.
I was so happy every day Like Idon't remember ever crying, I
don't remember ever complaining.
I was like the little girl onthe cancer floor that like
brought little girls and boystogether, we all played.
Like it was a really happy timein my life, even though it was
like a terrible terminal time inmy life.
(04:48):
I had it for 18 months.
I then unfortunately got someissues with my liver at that
point and they came to me and myparents obviously at that point
and said like we have to takeher off of chemo or like her
liver is going to fail.
So like it's kind of this like5050 chance and my parents were
like, well, let's take her offchemo and see if she's had
enough at this point to kind ofgo one year to the day I
(05:09):
relapsed again, um, and at thatsecond time it was much, much
worse.
Um, I actually was a make awish kid.
I went to Disney, um, and thenthat second time I had it for
about three years and it was amuch harder round.
So you know harder drugs,longer time in the hospital.
You know months and months andmonths.
I remember the second time I wasin I was in for so long I
(05:30):
actually forgot how to walkbecause I was like literally
bedridden for so long.
So that was really like thechildhood portion of it.
And then I had cancer later inlife, like I was, I think, like
20 or 29 when I had melanoma,and that was a different
situation later in life.
But really like my entirechildhood was in hospitals, in
and out of hospitals, in and outof clinics, being flown around
(05:52):
and then seeing a lot of myfriends not make it.
You know going to funerals andwatching my friends die
five-year-olds, six-year-olds,seven-year-olds like that's
something you don't reallyforget as a young child.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
That's, I mean, incredible when I just picture
little Jillian, when I pictureyou, just, you know, being in
that space.
And how old were you when youfirst were diagnosed?
Five, okay.
So five-year-old Jillian,you're just prancing through
like, oh, this is just life,yeah, this is, you know, had not
a care in the world, really,right?
Yeah, until you had to gothrough that unfortunate
(06:25):
circumstance again.
How did that play out for you,even just as a teenager?
So when you were finally inremission, how old were you?
Eight or nine, ten somewhere inthere.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yeah, I think I was like 10 or 11 when I was like
finally, like out of it and likewe're like in the clear Okay.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
So now you're going through the most important years
of your life, really, you know,essentially as a teenager and
going through the changes ofwomen, like how did that affect
you, do you feel when you canlook back on it?
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I feel like everything thatever happened.
I was always scared and I stillam.
I am 46 years old.
Even if I get a headache now, acold now, a stubbed toe, I'm
like what's wrong, right?
I'm like what's wrong, right.
So I've had to work throughthat my whole life.
I will say like that has been achallenge my whole life,
because I'm always fearful.
Cancer doesn't run in our family.
No one's ever had it.
(07:10):
It's not like anyone's everbeen sick in our family.
So anytime anything does gowrong, I am like a total
hypochondriac.
So I feel like once I came offof it and then, you know, things
started changing with my body,or my breast started to grow,
where I started to get headachesbecause I was, you know, having
my first cycle or cramps.
Like I was always, alwaysnervous that it was something
(07:31):
else.
And you know, it was a long road, not only for me but also, like
for my parents.
And then it was really hard forme to even get close to people
because I had seen so manyfriends die and that was really
really, really hard to.
It's like okay, am I, am Ifriends, just going to keep
dying?
This is like what's normal tome.
So you know there was obviouslylots of years of therapy.
(07:52):
You know I have the mostamazing parents ever, so they
were always like the bestsupporters to be like.
You know, we got to likewhether it's putting her in
therapy or putting her in othersupport groups, and even until I
moved to Arizona, which wasjust 22 months ago, I was still
very much involved in likepeople who have had cancer as
kids and then like what theirlife looks like after, cause
it's, it's a different road whenyou're sick as a child and then
(08:14):
what it looks like like after.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Right, and I think of your mom and dad like what just
powerhouses to be able to bethere for you like that and the
fact that you're still so closewith them today so close, it's
amazing.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, and I always tell the story to my parents got
divorced as right before I gotsick.
So my parents got divorced whenI was like four and a half
years old and my parents to thisday my parents are in their 70s
are like the best of friendsand my step parents are like the
best of friends, like the fourof them are the most beautiful
unit and people are always likethat's so weird.
(08:51):
They're all so close but assoon as they got divorced I got
sick.
So they really put me firsttheir whole life and then they
got remarried and then Irelapsed.
So it was really the four ofthem doing life together with me
as a sick child and they justalways put me first.
It was like they didn't havetime to fight over this one
getting married or them notliking their new partner or, you
know, this one showing up to aholiday.
It was like we're putting Jillfirst and that's all I've ever
(09:14):
known.
And you know we're going totalk about some other
conversations later aboutobviously being divorced
multiple times and I think thatreally set me for the way that
I've even handled divorce andrelationships and all those
things, cause like I never sawdivorce messy, I only saw it
from like a very loving andcaring way and it's because I
think the way that my parentsreally role modeled it my entire
(09:35):
life, I love that for you Wereyou raised in a religious family
, or Christian Catholic,catholic family.
Okay, yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
To have that foundation too.
It's something yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Being greater than that yeah, yeah, yeah,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
So we're going through your.
You're now, we're at 22.
Is that, when you first gotmarried, your first marriage?
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah, I was married at 22.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Yeah, what was that like?
Was that your first?
Was it a your sweetheart?
Speaker 3 (10:01):
No.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
So, even before we're going to get deep on this
podcast, we're going somewherewith this, yeah so um, when I
was actually in high school, Iwas like 19 years old um, I felt
head over heels in love with aman who was like 12 years older.
He was a policeman you're gonnaalso find like a pattern I'm a
pattern believer here so he wasa policeman, he was 12 years
older and I just felt like inlove with this man.
(10:22):
His name was john and I gotpregnant at 21 years old and he
was 12 years older and I justfell like in love with this man.
His name was John and I gotpregnant at 21 years old and he
was like I do not want children,Like I never want children.
I don't want children.
I was like young and in loveand I was like he doesn't really
mean it, Like he doesn't reallymean this.
And my parents were like youknow, John's been in your life
for two years, Jill.
(10:42):
He does not want children.
And I was like it's okay, LikeI'm going to have this baby,
Like it's going to be fine.
And I had.
I was pregnant with my daughterMcKenna.
I had a planned C-section.
He was supposed to show up atthe hospital.
I have McKenna.
I'm waiting for him to show upat the hospital.
He literally does not show up.
So we've been together at thispoint like two and a half years
(11:03):
and my parents were like Jill,he's not coming, Like he does
not want children.
I text him that day in thehospital.
I'm like, hey, McKenna was born, Like I'm so excited.
He was like, okay, I'll bethere tomorrow to pick you guys
up from the hospital.
Does not show.
So now again like abandonmentissues, again like starting to
show up Like people don't loveme, they're not here.
(11:30):
And I remember my parents liketaking me home.
And I had never seen John again.
To this day I'm 46 years old.
John has signed off all legalrights to McKenna.
He has never seen her.
So it was me and McKenna fromthat day on.
And again, going back to myparents, my parents really stood
up and my parents were thatsecond set of parents to her.
So my dad and my stepdad wereher dads and they raised her and
they stepped in and if you wereto ask McKenna like who are
(11:53):
your dad, she's like grandpa andpapa, like that's who raised me
.
So that was really my firstlike level of abandonment, Like
I wasn't good enough.
And not only was I not goodenough, but like my daughter
wasn't good enough.
So that was like our first 21or 22.
I was super grateful because Ihad a really good job in
corporate, even at a very youngage 20, you know, 21 or 22 years
(12:15):
old.
I was making six figures.
So I was like I don't need aman, I'm totally fine, I have
her and we're going to like takeon the world.
So that was like 21, 22.
Fast forward like three years.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I meet another policeman it gets better.
Guys Stick around on the showit gets better.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
I meet another policeman.
I'm actually out to lunch.
He's sitting across the table.
He's a policeman.
We have a conversation.
He has a young daughter whodoes not have a mother.
I have a young daughter whodoesn't have a father.
Just makes sense on paper.
Right Six weeks later we getmarried.
Train wreck, total train wreck.
We are married for literallyjust a few months, but again
(12:54):
like policemen to policemen Washis name John.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
No, his name was Don but.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Don.
Yeah, we don't even reallycount him.
If people ask me like how manytimes we've been married, we
just kind of throw that one, weput that under.
But again, a pattern that I hadnot seen yet in my early years.
So we were married for a couplemonths, move on, move back into
my parents' house, single forabout five or six years on
Facebook, probably five or sixyears later, this guy messages
(13:20):
me on Facebook.
He's like oh, I see you're aMichigan fan.
Guy messages me on Facebook.
He's like oh, I see you're aMichigan fan.
I'm like I'm a Michigan fan.
We start having a conversation,we meet for a date.
He's a police officer, we getmarried.
So now I'm two police officers.
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's the cuffs,the uniform, like they're just
like assholes, like I don't knowwhat it is Right.
So now I've been married to twopolice officers.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I have a father with a police, like a you know, baby
daddy is a police officer.
But this was like it, like Itruly thought this was it, like
he was a great man, a reallygreat dad.
We had a really a greatmarriage.
I thought, um, make it a littleemotional on the podcast here
(14:06):
um and we we dated for about twoand a half years and we got
married.
And I had a best friend at thetime.
Her name was Lisa and we hadbeen best friends for about 10
years, did everything togetherlike she was my ride or die,
disney concerts, braiding eachother's hair, raising our
daughters together, like just myride or die girlfriend.
(14:27):
And I remember the day I gotmarried.
I opened, like we got married,and then you get your wedding
pictures back and I opened mylike gallery and the very first
picture I saw on my weddinggallery was Dave and Lisa
walking across this like field,lisa walking across this like
(14:49):
field, and I was like, well,that's odd, why would they be
walking across this like fieldtogether?
That's interesting.
You know, you just kind of likeput something in your vault and
you're like, okay, I sort oflike put that in the vault in
our first two years of marriage,things just started to kind of
pop up.
I would find like a movieticket in his pocket and I'd be
like, why was he at a movie atlike two in the afternoon, like
(15:10):
on her side of town, like, andthere was just things like that
just started to pop up Right,and I would start to ask
questions and he'd be like, ohyeah, I was like over there, she
did something, fixed and then,like I just like grabbed a movie
and I just like did not want tobelieve it.
I was just like.
I was like I've had these trainwrecks.
I finally found my person.
I do not want to believe this.
I just kept putting it in thevault, in the vault, right, and
(15:32):
this went on for probably likeprobably like five years that I
just like vaulted it and vaultedit, and vaulted it.
And I knew, we know as women,right, we, we knew, and to sit
across from her like at holidaysand vacations and just know,
like I know that you are havinglike a relationship with my
husband and not like a sexualrelationship.
(15:54):
I'm like I think they're likeliterally like in love with each
other Because, like you couldsee it right, yeah, and then
Christmas Eve I had gone intoour closet and I found all these
Christmas gifts of things thatlike I never would have asked
for, like I was like I wouldnever have wanted that I would
have never asked for that.
(16:14):
But I know my best friendreally well and these are things
like she would have wanted,like she loved those stupid and
I apologize if you love this,but she loved those stupid Alex
and Ani bracelets and I was likehe bought, like 10 of them and
I was like I would never wearone of those.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
But there was like 10 of them so I was like okay,
clearly like it's for her and he.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
That night I noticed all the gifts were gone, like
they were no longer in thecloset.
So he came home the nextmorning and I opened his trunk
and there was all these gifts inhis trunk.
So like they obviously spentlike Christmas together.
And then Christmas morning hejust like literally like told me
like we've been in arelationship for six years oh my
god we have vacations together.
(16:56):
We have traveled like all overthe world together like they
were in a full relationship.
This wasn't like hey, we likehooked up like once in a while
like a full relationship, um,and I still tried to work it out
.
I tried to work it out.
I like begged because I wasmortified.
I was like what is wrong withme?
I cannot keep a boyfriend.
(17:18):
I cannot keep two otherhusbands.
Like I can't.
I would be so embarrassed, likeI would be so embarrassed if
someone else leaves me.
So I was clenching on so bad.
And then he left and she leftand to this day they're married.
(17:38):
They actually live in our home,um, and they have a beautiful
life.
And it took me a really longtime to get there.
I've actually never spoke toher Once I found out.
I've never spoken to her.
He's forgiven, like I forgivehim.
Guys make mistakes.
Guys do things like I feel likethey do, but it's like a girl
code.
But yeah, like so they, theylive in our home, they have a
(18:02):
beautiful life now.
But it was really hard also totell McKenna, our daughter,
because these were she had twodaughters and we grew up with
them for eight years.
So now it's like, well, why islike my stepdad living in our
home with my friends?
Like it was just this wholeweird dynamic and like we're not
like trashy people.
(18:23):
It's not like.
This is like some, like MauryPovich show like played out.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
You know like, we live in a nice town.
We live in a nice area.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So it was humiliating , like it was humiliating.
So from there I was like no man, like we are swearing off men,
we are swearing off policemen.
And I said, you know, I'm goingto stay single for a really
long time and when I do, if Iever do again or if I ever date
again, it's going to be superdifferent.
And then we can talk about likethe next chapter of what that
(18:52):
looked like.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
That's heavy, heavy.
I'm just.
I'm visualizing everythingunfolding as you're telling the
story and I just think to myselfand this is for anybody
listening like why go throughthe marriage if it's starting at
?
It's not like this happened?
Speaker 3 (19:09):
after you got married .
Speaker 1 (19:10):
This is like you're saying your vows in front of
your friends and family, knowingyou have this over here, but
you're still going to go throughit and then go for five years
to live in this.
That, to me, is just sopremeditated.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
And.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
I can't even.
I mean, it's unbelievable thatyou even had to go through that
experience and the emotionaltoll.
The two previous coupling, ifyou will, I mean that one wasn't
really a divorce in my opinion.
So you know, prior and now thisdid you.
I'm curious did that thirdround of cancer come in after
all of this unfolded, or was itduring?
Speaker 2 (19:48):
It was before.
Yeah, it was pretty much before.
It was like a couple yearsbefore it.
Yeah, before husband numberthree.
Before husband number three butI will say, after husband,
number after husband number two.
Dave, this one.
We had a whole issue of thingsthat happened after, which we
can I'll definitely explain in asecond.
But after I found out about allof this, I tried to save it and
(20:12):
we went to therapy for aboutsix months and I don't know
about any men out therelistening to this podcast or
even women listen to podcastsbut some people just feel like
they have to share everything.
So he shared everything and Iknow for him.
He felt like he needed to comeclean and like say everything.
But when you hear everythingabout an affair for five years,
(20:35):
that is not stuff that you canjust be like okay.
Well, like I'm glad you feelbetter, like even to this day,
there are things that like I seeor I hear or I feel that like
literally make me sick.
Right, it was like she was inmy home, she was in my bed, like
there was just so many thingsand I'm glad that he was able to
(20:57):
get this out and he feelsbetter.
But, like you don't always needto share everything, because
now that he's moved on and hefeels better, share everything.
Because now that he's moved onand he feels better, like I
still have to live with, likethis all happened, like under my
roof, under my nose, likethings like you know, I planned
a surprise party for him, a hugesurprise party, spent tens of
(21:18):
thousand dollars, and like theywere having sex, like in the
bathroom at it, like things likethat.
So it's things like that.
That it's like, while yes, Iappreciate you telling me all of
this you have such a guard upmoving forward in your life,
because it's like well, is everyman like this?
Can I ever trust anyone likethat?
So after I came out of this, Ifeel like I had like no control
(21:40):
of anything.
So I became a fitnesscompetitor because I was like
there's only one thing that Ican control and it's like my
workouts, my foods, and I wentdown a massive rabbit hole.
I had almost a decade of eatingdisorders.
I competed because I was like Iam not attractive, and I was,
but it was like I want to get asfit as I can and as small as I
(22:00):
can and as skinny as I can andas big boobs as I can and all of
these things.
So I went down like a crazyself-destructive route after
that, because I was like I'mgoing to put all this focus on
me now, and it was like a decadeof just like self-harm that
made me feel better, when reallyI was just doing it because I
was like trying to feel betterabout myself.
(22:22):
So looking back, it was likedoing it for all the wrong
reasons.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Absolutely and where I want to shift.
This is really where so manypeople can see themselves in
your story.
Maybe not the exact story,right, but so much of what
you've gone through and I know Ican Myself.
I'm listening to you and I'mlike yep.
I remember that when I didsomething like that, or I picked
the wrong you know, the quote,unquote, wrong guy, which
they're all there to teach ussomething, and I really, truly
believe that it's for us totruly fall in love with
ourselves, like at the coreright, like not the things,
(22:55):
because I went down the road offitness competition as well, and
so I can really relate to thattoo, like if I only look leaner,
if I only look tighter and myboobs are bigger like yep, and
then you start realizing thatnone of that matters and you can
go through just like strippingaway all of the layers that were
protection, so to speak, for usto survive, and then just let
(23:17):
loose and go like bare bonesinto a healing journey and
transformation like no others.
Like when was that for you whereyou just finally had to face
the music, because everyone hastheir aha moment of oh shit, I
need to like really take care ofthis, and not on a superficial
level?
Was there that aha moment thathit you, or was it just kind of
like a gradual experience whereyou started witnessing that?
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, I would say it was definitely when I was
competing and still feeling likeI was chasing, like validation
from something else.
Right, I wasn't chasingvalidation from men anymore, I
was chasing validation fromjudges or chasing validation
from people at the gym, and itwas like when is just validation
from myself like actually goingto be enough?
Cause, it was like, okay, I'mchasing a number on a scale, or
(24:01):
I'm chasing a trophy, or I'mchasing getting in a magazine,
or I'm chasing all of this, andit was like no, I really had to
get really clear of, like, whatis actually important.
And even like, from arelationship standpoint, it was
like even to that point I mean,I was 34, 35 years old and it
was like I didn't even know whatI wanted in life.
(24:21):
I was like chasing all these menwho weren't even like, not even
good humans, but weren't evenreally who I even wanted as well
, and it was like, okay, likeall of this stops, right, I'm
not chasing the fitness anymore,I'm not chasing.
You know, I was on my fourthboob job at that point.
I was like what am I doing allof this for?
It's like, who is actuallyJillian?
(24:42):
And I had to really like juststop and like do all of that
kind of like inner work andreally pay attention to that.
I think that's when I reallykind of just dove into like
myself and what I wanted, andthat was when things just really
kind of shifted.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Oh, I love this.
This is like one of my favoriteparts of the conversation to
talk about.
So what did that look like foryou?
Everyone has their own practice.
If you pacing and all of thatwhat did that look like for you?
Like, where did you start?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Yeah, so the first thing that I started with was
like, what are the patterns thatyou keep doing over and over
and over and why are youactually doing them?
So I really started with likerelationships and I really got
very clear of like, not only menrelationships, but even like
female relationships.
Like, why are you continuouslyin the same ones?
(25:28):
Why are you drawn to the samewomen like relationships all the
time?
Right, and I think a lot of ithad to do with like always
wanting to fit in because, like,I didn't really fit in, as,
like a kid, I was awkward,obviously, right, I was like the
only bald kid in my school.
So it was like I was alwayschasing these popular groups and
like the popular girls and allof these things.
(25:48):
So it was like, are these evengirls that I wanted to hang out
with?
Are these even friends that Iwant to be friends with?
So it was like I got reallyclear of like who were the
relationships I wanted to be in,what really fueled me up, and I
did that through one likejournaling.
I'm like a huge advocate oftherapy.
I actually love talk therapy.
I know it gets like a lot ofshit, but like, I actually love
talk therapy.
I'm like can I just go to aroom and someone listen to me
(26:10):
talk for an hour please?
So I actually love talk therapy.
I'm still in it to this day.
But then I, you know, I didsome other things right, like
meditation, sound breath, thingslike that.
(26:30):
But I was still living inMichigan, so those things
weren't like readily available,like it is out here or maybe
some areas that you guys live in, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
So really, it was just like talking through a lot
of those emotions and gettingclear of, like, what those were.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah, talk therapy is great, I love it.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
I think it's wonderful.
I just feel there's so muchmore when you want to, you know,
be very actionable in thehealing process.
So, yeah, I definitely I'vebeen in that space where I'm
like talk therapy, but it is, itserves a purpose for sure,
especially when you need torelease that weight that you're
holding onto.
So then, what was the next stepfor you?
Was it?
Did you go deeper?
(26:55):
Did you do any sort of this isnot common back in the Midwest.
So I'm not going to even botherasking the question because I
already know the answer.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
but like retreats, for instance, like medicine or
any sort of like really crackingopen no, it was very different,
but it was funny, because I hadjust become an entrepreneur in
Michigan and I had come toSedona for the first time and I
was like what?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
is this place.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Right Like crystals and all these things, and that
was like the first time I evenlike dipped my toes into
anything.
And I can't remember her name,but she's very well known in
Sedona and it was the first timeI'd ever gone to just this like
release ceremony where we Idon't know if it was like breath
work or what it was, but wewere like screaming and like
doing all this stuff.
And I remember going back toMichigan being like this was
(27:41):
amazing, and now this is like arandom Wednesday here now.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But like back when I was in Michigan, I was like what
is this?
So that was like my first likereal time of it.
And then, as I've obviously nowbeen into, in Scottsdale and
having more access to thesethings, you know now I
definitely do more of it.
But for me a big thing is likeI suppress a lot of emotions, so
anything that I can like movethrough it, so whether it's like
movement or releasing like I'ma huge advocate of like
Jacqueline with like her releasemethod like anything I can just
like move through my body.
(28:12):
That is how I really like I dowell, so good.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Yeah, it's amazing.
It's anything stored in yourbody that you can actually help
release dis-ease, right, becausethat's what disease is, and
you've been a part of thatpretty much your whole life.
How is your scheduling now witheverything?
Because have you learned somuch through this journey, where
you live completely differentlythan you did even just five, 10
(28:39):
years ago?
Oh yeah, Totally.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
I think absolutely.
I live differently, I makedecisions differently, I make
friendships differently, I honormyself differently.
I think absolutely.
I live differently, I makedecisions differently, I have
make friendships differently, Ihonor myself differently, I
honor my body differently, I'mopen to things differently.
I'm also guarded to thingsdifferently and I think I love
differently.
I think that is like one of oneof the biggest things.
(29:02):
I think for a really long time,I always like put men first and
like their needs and what wasimportant to them.
And I think even over the lastlike two years especially, it's
like what is really important tome and like how do I want to
feel, and not even feel in likemale relationships, but even
like female relationships, right, and even like going back to
this friendship that I have,looking back on it for the eight
(29:23):
years it was always like howcould I serve her, like what
could I do for her, like wheredid she want to go to lunch?
What did she want to do?
And because she was like thepopular girl, right, like she
was a popular girl in school,and it's like that isn't even a
friendship that, looking back,really even served me.
I was just like grasping to it.
So even now as an, as an olderperson, I don't even go into
(29:45):
friendships like that evenanymore either.
So would you say that you were?
Speaker 1 (29:49):
former people pleaser in many ways.
Yeah, I was a people pleaser.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
But I was also like a , a chaser of, like the in crowd
.
You know, I'll even I'll evenuse an example of like Chris's
mastermind.
Right going into Chris'smastermind, I'm going into my
fourth year.
The first year I went into it Iwas like I got to be friends
with all the pretty people.
I got to be friends with allthe popular people that I follow
on instagram like right, the,the influencers, right and then
(30:14):
those weren't even the peoplethat I Really even wanted to be
friends with.
They weren't even the peoplethat I actually connected with.
But I was like chasing, like Iwanted to be part of that like
cool crowd.
And after the first year Iremember like sitting down and
being like, but is this reallywho you want to connect with?
Is this really the girls youeven have anything in common
(30:37):
with?
Is this even the girls likeoutside of this room you would
be friends with in real life?
Yeah, they're great and they'regreat people, but are these
like your people?
And then, going back into thesecond year and third year, even
this year, it's like no,they're not.
It's like I've made such morebeautiful relationships and even
different friendships becauseI'm more honest with like who I
(31:00):
crave, the friendships that Icrave, what is going to really
suit me, versus just kind oflike chasing.
I think all of us kind of dothis and it's like I had to get
even clearer of that for me.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Jillian, I love this so much, Like so so much.
What you just described is acomplete self-discovery.
That's what it is.
It's just going down that pathof self-discovery and self, you
know, just inquiry.
You know, you have to ask theseimportant questions because the
only person that has the answeris you, and I think so
oftentimes and I've been theretoo is that we try to live
(31:34):
outside of ourselves to receivethe answers, when the answers
are always within Totally Everysingle time right.
So sitting in that space ofself-inquiry and getting very
curious and just wondering isthis even real for me, or am I
just being sucked in to thismain?
People call it the matrix right, it really is like this whole
thing of?
Is this even me, and I thinkthat's where it can become so
(31:54):
confusing when you have such anonline presence and navigating
one, a healing journey to try toshow up authentically you and
getting really clear with that.
It can be very, almostconvoluted, right.
So what do you recommend?
Successful, ambitious women,specifically, that are
overcoming people, pleasing andlow self-worth you know, not a
(32:15):
whole lot of self-love going onthere.
What do you, what do yourecommend for them to start
doing?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
I think the biggest thing is to get really clear of,
like, who they are, right, andwhether that's finding your
people or your tribe to reallypour into you, but even just
getting really clear of who youare.
So I do this thing even in myown world, and I tell my clients
this who are struggling withthis it's making your list of a
hundred, and the list of ahundred is like a 100 reasons
(32:40):
why, like, you're a really greathuman and 100 reasons why
somebody is lucky to be in yourpresence and 100 reasons why,
like, someone's lucky to be yourfriend, right.
So even like, let's just goback to the mastermind right,
when I'm in that room andsomebody doesn't want to be my
friend or doesn't want to sit byme or whatever, it's like
there's 100 reasons why, like,I'm really freaking cool or I'm
(33:03):
really freaking great right, andit's like, if they don't want
to, then like that's on them andlike I'm actually the cool kid
and they're missing out on it.
So it's like going back to thatlist.
But if I never had that list, Iwould shrink and I would be like
oh, like I wish they wanted tobe my friend or I wish they
wanted to sit by me or whatever.
But now being able to like standin that and be like, no, this
(33:24):
is who I am, and it does taketime, right and also knowing
that, like you're not going tobe everyone's cup of tea and
that's absolutely okay, butowning like who you are and I
think the other thing,especially when you're in the
online space like owning who youare is so important, because if
you can't stand for who you are, then you're never going to
(33:46):
know like who you are right.
So I think that is so, so, soimportant, because if you don't
know and you're always trying tofind someone else or look up to
somebody else or all of those,you're going to fall every
single time.
So it's like what makes JillianJillian, what makes Brie Brie,
(34:08):
what makes Chrissy Chrissy?
And then you are going to feelso powerful when you walk into
these big rooms or when you showup on a podcast or when you do
those things, and it's likeyou're going to like be so good
in your own skin that it's notgoing to matter what anybody
else thinks.
I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Everything you just said.
It really is standing in yourpower.
Like that's the epitome ofstanding in your power and
owning it and knowing that I amgood enough you know, and people
feel that.
Like it's one thing to say it,you know it's another thing.
You can read the room and readenergy At least I can.
I know you probably can too.
And so you know when someone'sreally truly in their element
and in their power.
And, like you said, if itdoesn't align, then that's okay.
(34:47):
You're not everyone'swheelhouse, and that's what
makes this experience, thishuman experience, so fun is that
you then know the ones that youare coming into that relation
with.
It's supposed to be right, it'ssupposed to be.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Yeah, and I think, even like you know now fast
forwarding, like you know, I'mdating now, I have a boyfriend
now, but when, even like I wasdating, even like before, when I
was dating, like I'd show up acertain way, like how do they
want me to dress or how do theywant me to show up, or all of
those things, and I rememberright now, like I have a
boyfriend now, but on our firstdate, like I was like getting
dressed and I did an Instagramstory.
(35:21):
I'm like I'm gonna show up onthis first date a hundred
percent like how I dress,because I'm not gonna wait three
months for him to see like thisgirl wears baggy jeans and big
t-shirts and Jordans.
Like I'm gonna show up on dayone like this, because if he
doesn't like this or he'slooking for a girl that wears a
certain type of clothes ordresses a certain way, then like
I'm not it.
But I think even women who,like are dating, they like try
(35:44):
to like mask it, or they try toshow up a certain way, or they
try to like dress for a man acertain way and it's like own
who you are from day one, youknow, and I remember, like on
that first date I showed up Ihad a Chicago Bulls t shirt on
baggy baggy jeans, like thesecargo jeans and like Jordans,
and he was like, oh my God,you're adorable.
And I was like thank you.
But if he wouldn't have likedthat, then that's okay, because
(36:08):
I'm not the girl for him.
So I think that that's soimportant too.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Probably one of the best dating advices I've heard
in a long time.
Thank you, like we need to havethat as a clip on Instagram.
Thank you, that's a real liferight there.
I couldn't agree more, becausewhy in the world are you going
to sell something you aren't?
Then you're going to getsomething you don't want, right.
So the quicker you can justshow up and be authentically you
and who you are, then thatperson is a for you person, and
(36:35):
if it's not, then you just getquicker to who's supposed to be
for you, right?
Like you weed through it somuch faster and I think, think
even to like.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
You know, for all the entrepreneurs that are
listening, it's the same way,like, even like on your social
media or when you're speaking atan event or you're showing up
on a podcast, right, like,obviously, be respectful when
you're on someone's podcast oryou're at their event, but also
show up with who you are andleading that way, because then
your people are going to bemagnets to you.
I had my event last weekobviously Tuesday and Wednesday
(37:03):
but then I spoke at someone'sevent on Friday, on Thursday,
and all the speakers looked theexact same.
They all had these dresses on,they all had heels on, and I
showed up in Jordans, a skirtand a t-shirt, and I think I was
the only speaker that droppedenough bum probably.
And this woman came up to me inthe back of the room and she
was like I need to work with you.
She's like you have a no BSattitude.
(37:24):
I need someone that can, like,get down to business with me and
like, out of everybody up there, like you triggered me a little
bit, but you also activated mea little bit.
So I don't know what it's liketo work with you being who I was
(37:45):
and just like a little robotlike everybody else, I wouldn't
have been magnetic.
So it's like be who you are, beunapologetic, because that's
when other people come into you,but it's also when other people
are like, oh, she's not for meeither.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
And it's so true.
Here's the thing I think whenyou think you have to be
something you're not, that'swhen you truly lose your
magnetism.
I mean, we're always magnet,we're always, we always have
magnetism right, but I feel likeit's only when you are in
alignment with who you truly sayyou are.
So, for instance, if maybeyou're not super, you know high
energy one day, but you're stillin alignment with who you are,
(38:18):
you're still magnetizing thatelement into you.
So, yeah, I'm all for showing upas completely and wholly who
you are as a human being.
It's a more juicier way to livelife too, so you don't have to
walk around like let me try tofit in here, let me try to fit
in here.
Oh, I don't have that samedress on.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
It's okay, it's totally okay, it's all right.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
Yeah, I love this about you and I did notice that
at the mastermind when you wererepping the Jordans with your
pants, like that was so hot.
I'm like, look at her, she's sospicy, I love it.
So, coming full circle to thiswhole life experience, and
you're now at 46, what's onetakeaway that you feel now, you
(39:01):
now know at 46, looking down atyour younger self, looking up at
your higher self, sitting whereyou're at right now, what's one
lesson like life lesson thatyou've learned to just sit with
and one that you really, I guess, operate from?
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I think one is that forgiveness is really more about
you.
Like, when you forgive someone,it's really about you releasing
what needs to be released.
And even if someone doesn'tdeserve your forgiveness, or
they even haven't even asked forforgiveness, I think it's
really about you releasing whatneeds to be released, right?
I think that is it.
Like there's people in my lifewho haven't asked for
(39:40):
forgiveness, but I've forgiventhem, and I think that that's
really important.
Otherwise, you're going to holdon to it and you're going to
hold the grudges.
And I think that is probablyone of the best ones.
And I think the second one isreally just slowing down, to
speed up, like asking yourselfreally important questions Does
this feel good?
Does this make sense?
Is this in alignment with whereI'm going?
Does this friendship make sense?
(40:06):
I think all of those things arereally, really important because
I think, as a younger person,we make decisions really quick
and it's like, hey, let's justslow down.
My daughter's getting marriedin six weeks, great example, my
daughter's getting married insix weeks, and everything's
really quick decisions.
I got to book this, I got to dothis, I got to do this.
And it's like let's just slowdown and does this decision make
(40:28):
sense with this next decision,for this next decision?
Or are we just like ramboingdecisions right here, to just
like make decisions right?
So I think it's like let's juststop breathe and make sure that
every decision we make makessense for the next one that's
coming ahead.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Great advice, the power of the pause, like yeah,
slow down.
I feel like people don't sitwith that enough because,
there's so much.
That's why they say power inthe pause, because there is so
much strength in that momentwhen you can get still get quiet
and just reflect prior tomaking any decisions at all.
Yeah, that's great.
I love that.
Jillian, you're amazing, I loveit.
Speaker 3 (40:56):
Right back at you.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
It's so much more, but we have to get jiggy with
Jillian right now.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
I'm here for it.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
Let's get jiggy with it.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
This is 22 fire round questions.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
She has no clue what I'm going to ask her.
I'm very nervous.
I'm nervous too.
You're like I'm also nervousfor you.
No, no, it's going to be great,fast, fun and full of soul.
Are you ready?
Yeah, all right, let's go.
What's one word that bestdescribes your energy right now?
Hi, first thing you do when youwake up Check my phone.
(41:27):
Oh, you are one of those.
At least she's honest.
I'm honest.
Go-to hype song when you needto feel unstoppable.
I want to dance with somebody.
Yeah, that's a good one.
What's your guilty pleasuresnack?
Oh, halo Top ice cream.
One of my favorites.
It has protein in it.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
Yeah, it does Mint chocolate chip so good.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Most empowering thing someone's ever said to you.
You activate me.
That's a good one.
What's your soul superpower?
Reading people.
What are you reading right now?
Speaker 2 (42:04):
I'm just reading that you're in a really good place
and you're happy with wherewe're at.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
Thank you, that's accurate and you're happy with
the way the podcast is goingvery accurate if you could have
dinner with any version of youfrom the past.
Which version and why?
Speaker 2 (42:17):
um right, after I had my daughter and just tell her
like you're gonna be okay andlike tell her like you're gonna
be okay and like you got this,you're gonna be a great mom oh,
that's so good.
Speaker 1 (42:26):
Mountains, ocean or desert energy, um mountains.
One book that cracked you openlove life, matthew hussey.
Oh yeah, I have yet to readthat, yet so good.
He's the mantra that'scurrently living in your heart.
Speaker 2 (42:45):
I think it is still like slow down to speed up.
Yeah, I say that a lot.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
I feel that Coffee order or fave ritual drink Lemon
water, just lemon water.
Speaker 2 (42:55):
I don't drink any caffeine.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
What's your alter ego's name and vibe?
Speaker 2 (43:04):
So it's actually Elena Cardone is who I step into
all the time.
Wow, and she's a boss, she's aboss, yeah.
So even like when I did mywebinars on wednesday, it's like
, all right, you're steppinginto elena cardone like
nothing's gonna ruffle her.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
So yeah, elena cardone is like my go-to, that's
a good one, yeah, powerhouseright there, something you used
to believe that you've totallyoutgrown you have to be ashamed
of being married multiple times.
That literally, is it?
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Yeah, and like I still love love and like I'll
probably be married again, maybeeven soon, good for you sister.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
Yeah, I can't wait A personal moment you are most
proud of, even if no one saw it.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
Running a marathon that I did not train for being
over 200 pounds like, and eventhough like, nobody was there at
the end there was not even likewater cups left and like they
were taking down the barrels,but I was like I freaking did
this yeah oh my god, that'sanother podcast literally insane
(44:00):
.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
it is so good, so proud of you.
That's amazing.
Speaker 3 (44:02):
It was legit chill.
Do you have pictures of it?
Speaker 1 (44:04):
It's terrible, but yes, we'll have to look at those
.
What's your love language?
Has it changed?
Speaker 2 (44:10):
No, it's physical touch.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Yeah, I'm all for that, me too.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Signature, scent or crystal, you never leave home
without I'm actually not like ascent person but, um, I actually
do love the kayla gray scent soI have, I do spray that off, so
maybe that's the scent yeah,check it out.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Yeah, if your life had a theme song right now, what
would it be?
The best is yet to come.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
One lesson you would tattoo on your soul forever let
them, it's big right now yeaheveryone's saying let them, I
know that's why I'm not gettinga tattoo, because it's like
everyone has it, but it's agreat, it's yeah it's true,
though, let them middle fingersand all yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
How do you celebrate your wins, big or small?
Um?
Speaker 2 (44:59):
I just share it with people that I love.
Yeah, I have like a core groupof girls that I call and
celebrate.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
So good.
What are you currentlymanifesting?
Speaker 2 (45:07):
A hundred thousand dollar day.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Boom yeah, heard it right there.
That's a good one.
And last but not least, if youcould whisper one message to
every woman and man listeningright now, what would it be?
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Don't let anybody underestimate you, Juliette.
I'm going to underestimate you.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
Jillian, you're amazing.
Thank you.
Your story is so powerful andit's a powerful reminder that
don't let life define you.
Regardless of what you've gonethrough, right, it does not
matter.
You can recreate yourself everysingle day, and you are living
proof of that, especially whatyou've gone through right, like
it does not matter, you canrecreate yourself every single
day and you are living proof ofthat, like especially what
you've gone through as such ayoung girl to where you are
today.
I just big hugs all around toyou, thank you.
(45:51):
Just, I love seeing you in sucha powerful energy right now and
living your truth.
Speaker 2 (45:56):
It's amazing and thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (45:57):
It was so great to sit across from you, like I've
been such a big fan of you for along time and to be here and
recording with you live likeit's such an honor and I
appreciate you, I appreciate youand we're going to have you
back on again, because there's Imean, just even talking through
this I'm like, oh yeah, I meanthe marathon story.
The marathon story alone is apodcast episode, are you kidding
?
No, this is not the end, forsure course I'll see you in a
(46:27):
couple weeks on the master.
Yeah, thank you so much.
She's faced the unimaginable Cancer, divorce and
total identity collapse.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
We had a really a great marriage.
I thought I planned a surpriseparty for him, huge surprise
party, spent tens of thousanddollars and like they were
having sex like in the bathroomat it, like things like that.
It was really hard for me toeven get close to people because
I had seen so many friends die.
That's heavy, heavy.
Five or six years later, thisguy messages me on Facebook.
(00:28):
He's a police officer.
We get married, so now I'm twopolice officers.
Is it the handcuffs?
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's the cuffs,the uniform, like they're just
like assholes, like I don't knowwhat it is right Probably one
of the best dating advices I'veheard in a long time.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Thank you, like.
We need to have that as a clipon Instagram.
Thank you, that's real liferight there.
Welcome back all you beautifulsouls, to another episode of
Aligned and Alive.
Today's episode is going to moveyou.
It's one of those conversationsyou'll carry with you long
(01:08):
after the final word, and notjust because of what's said, but
because of what it awakens.
It's a powerful reminder thatyour rock bottom can become the
foundation for your rebirth.
Today you're about to meet awoman who walked through fire
and turned it into fuel.
She's faced the unimaginablecancer, divorce and total
(01:30):
identity collapse, but insteadof staying stuck in the story,
she chose to rise.
She did the deep inner work,she reconnected with her truth
and she rebuilt a life that nowradiates with love, purpose and
power.
She is the living embodiment ofwhat it means to alchemize pain
into purpose, now living a lifelit up by love, success and
(01:52):
sisterhood.
She's a top performer in hersales career and a proud member
of the Elite EntrepreneurMastermind, which we are both
still on a high from our firstweek retreat just a few weeks
ago in Newport Beach and herfirst live in-person event that
took place here last week inScottsdale, arizona.
Please welcome the lovelyJillian Murphy oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
thank you for that intro.
I am so excited to be here andjust like absolutely connect
with you.
Like I remember when we met andI was just like so drawn to you
, and now to be sitting acrossfrom you, like just so honored
to be here and have a beautifulconversation with you today,
thank, you, girlfriend.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
My gosh, it's so exciting to have you be here.
I, like I've wanted to go intoa deep episode with you for the
longest time, but now I realizewhy it took a while to happen,
because now I'm learning moreabout you and your story, which
is so incredible.
It is like the real lifechallenges.
And not just one divorce, butthree divorces.
(02:49):
Not just beating cancer onetime, but three times.
So let's go back to thebreakdown before the
breakthrough and hear your rawand challenges that you faced
along the way.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
So I'm not really sure whereyou want to start, but I mean
I'll start with like thebeginning, right?
So I mean I had my first boutof cancer when I was five years
old you know, just a little girlplaying on the playground.
I remember coming home andtelling my mom like I don't
really feel good, I just feellike I have a cold.
And my mom taking me to thedoctor's office and them saying
(03:20):
to her like most doctors do whenyou have a little kid like oh,
she just has a cold.
And I remember hearing that,like in the doctor's office,
like she just has a cold, andgoing home and still not feeling
better and being like mom, Istill don't feel good.
And I think that even played apart later in life where people
like didn't really believe whatI was saying, like oh, this
doesn't feel good or this isn'tworking, people being like, oh,
(03:42):
it's just this.
So that was like a reallypivotal moment, even like as a
young girl.
But you know, I remember, afterlike months of still not
feeling good, my mom taking meinto the doctor and being like
she's not right, like somethingis not good, and you know them
taking me in and me gettingdiagnosed with acute lymphatic
leukemia.
I had my first round of it forabout 18 months and back then I
(04:04):
mean not that you ever want toget cancer, not that you ever
want to get cancer as a child,but in the 80s it's much
different than it is now.
So you know, we were liketesting out new drugs, we were
testing out all sorts of thingsand, yeah, it was hell.
I mean, it was absolutely hell.
But even back then my parentswould even tell you this if they
were on this podcast today itwas really like my attitude that
(04:26):
got me through it.
I was so happy every day Like Idon't remember ever crying, I
don't remember ever complaining.
I was like the little girl onthe cancer floor that like
brought little girls and boystogether, we all played.
Like it was a really happy timein my life, even though it was
like a terrible terminal time inmy life.
(04:48):
I had it for 18 months.
I then unfortunately got someissues with my liver at that
point and they came to me and myparents obviously at that point
and said like we have to takeher off of chemo or like her
liver is going to fail.
So like it's kind of this like5050 chance and my parents were
like, well, let's take her offchemo and see if she's had
enough at this point to kind ofgo one year to the day I
(05:09):
relapsed again, um, and at thatsecond time it was much, much
worse.
Um, I actually was a make awish kid.
I went to Disney, um, and thenthat second time I had it for
about three years and it was amuch harder round.
So you know harder drugs,longer time in the hospital.
You know months and months andmonths.
I remember the second time I wasin I was in for so long I
(05:30):
actually forgot how to walkbecause I was like literally
bedridden for so long.
So that was really like thechildhood portion of it.
And then I had cancer later inlife, like I was, I think, like
20 or 29 when I had melanoma,and that was a different
situation later in life.
But really like my entirechildhood was in hospitals, in
and out of hospitals, in and outof clinics, being flown around
(05:52):
and then seeing a lot of myfriends not make it.
You know going to funerals andwatching my friends die
five-year-olds, six-year-olds,seven-year-olds like that's
something you don't reallyforget as a young child.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
That's, I mean, incredible when I just picture
little Jillian, when I pictureyou, just, you know, being in
that space.
And how old were you when youfirst were diagnosed?
Five, okay.
So five-year-old Jillian,you're just prancing through
like, oh, this is just life,yeah, this is, you know, had not
a care in the world, really,right?
Yeah, until you had to gothrough that unfortunate
(06:25):
circumstance again.
How did that play out for you,even just as a teenager?
So when you were finally inremission, how old were you?
Eight or nine, ten somewhere inthere.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Yeah, I think I was like 10 or 11 when I was like
finally, like out of it and likewe're like in the clear Okay.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
So now you're going through the most important years
of your life, really, you know,essentially as a teenager and
going through the changes ofwomen, like how did that affect
you, do you feel when you canlook back on it?
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I feel like everything thatever happened.
I was always scared and I stillam.
I am 46 years old.
Even if I get a headache now, acold now, a stubbed toe, I'm
like what's wrong, right?
I'm like what's wrong, right.
So I've had to work throughthat my whole life.
I will say like that has been achallenge my whole life,
because I'm always fearful.
Cancer doesn't run in our family.
No one's ever had it.
(07:10):
It's not like anyone's everbeen sick in our family.
So anytime anything does gowrong, I am like a total
hypochondriac.
So I feel like once I came offof it and then, you know, things
started changing with my body,or my breast started to grow,
where I started to get headachesbecause I was, you know, having
my first cycle or cramps.
Like I was always, alwaysnervous that it was something
(07:31):
else.
And you know, it was a long road, not only for me but also, like
for my parents.
And then it was really hard forme to even get close to people
because I had seen so manyfriends die and that was really
really, really hard to.
It's like okay, am I, am Ifriends, just going to keep
dying?
This is like what's normal tome.
So you know there was obviouslylots of years of therapy.
(07:52):
You know I have the mostamazing parents ever, so they
were always like the bestsupporters to be like.
You know, we got to likewhether it's putting her in
therapy or putting her in othersupport groups, and even until I
moved to Arizona, which wasjust 22 months ago, I was still
very much involved in likepeople who have had cancer as
kids and then like what theirlife looks like after, cause
it's, it's a different road whenyou're sick as a child and then
(08:14):
what it looks like like after.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Right, and I think of your mom and dad like what just
powerhouses to be able to bethere for you like that and the
fact that you're still so closewith them today so close, it's
amazing.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Yeah, and I always tell the story to my parents got
divorced as right before I gotsick.
So my parents got divorced whenI was like four and a half
years old and my parents to thisday my parents are in their 70s
are like the best of friendsand my step parents are like the
best of friends, like the fourof them are the most beautiful
unit and people are always likethat's so weird.
(08:51):
They're all so close but assoon as they got divorced I got
sick.
So they really put me firsttheir whole life and then they
got remarried and then Irelapsed.
So it was really the four ofthem doing life together with me
as a sick child and they justalways put me first.
It was like they didn't havetime to fight over this one
getting married or them notliking their new partner or, you
know, this one showing up to aholiday.
It was like we're putting Jillfirst and that's all I've ever
(09:14):
known.
And you know we're going totalk about some other
conversations later aboutobviously being divorced
multiple times and I think thatreally set me for the way that
I've even handled divorce andrelationships and all those
things, cause like I never sawdivorce messy, I only saw it
from like a very loving andcaring way and it's because I
think the way that my parentsreally role modeled it my entire
(09:35):
life, I love that for you Wereyou raised in a religious family
, or Christian Catholic,catholic family.
Okay, yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
To have that foundation too.
It's something yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Being greater than that yeah, yeah, yeah,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
So we're going through your.
You're now, we're at 22.
Is that, when you first gotmarried, your first marriage?
Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah, I was married at 22.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Yeah, what was that like?
Was that your first?
Was it a your sweetheart?
Speaker 3 (10:01):
No.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
So, even before we're going to get deep on this
podcast, we're going somewherewith this, yeah so um, when I
was actually in high school, Iwas like 19 years old um, I felt
head over heels in love with aman who was like 12 years older.
He was a policeman you're gonnaalso find like a pattern I'm a
pattern believer here so he wasa policeman, he was 12 years
older and I just felt like inlove with this man.
(10:22):
His name was john and I gotpregnant at 21 years old and he
was 12 years older and I justfell like in love with this man.
His name was John and I gotpregnant at 21 years old and he
was like I do not want children,Like I never want children.
I don't want children.
I was like young and in loveand I was like he doesn't really
mean it, Like he doesn't reallymean this.
And my parents were like youknow, John's been in your life
for two years, Jill.
(10:42):
He does not want children.
And I was like it's okay, LikeI'm going to have this baby,
Like it's going to be fine.
And I had.
I was pregnant with my daughterMcKenna.
I had a planned C-section.
He was supposed to show up atthe hospital.
I have McKenna.
I'm waiting for him to show upat the hospital.
He literally does not show up.
So we've been together at thispoint like two and a half years
(11:03):
and my parents were like Jill,he's not coming, Like he does
not want children.
I text him that day in thehospital.
I'm like, hey, McKenna was born, Like I'm so excited.
He was like, okay, I'll bethere tomorrow to pick you guys
up from the hospital.
Does not show.
So now again like abandonmentissues, again like starting to
show up Like people don't loveme, they're not here.
(11:30):
And I remember my parents liketaking me home.
And I had never seen John again.
To this day I'm 46 years old.
John has signed off all legalrights to McKenna.
He has never seen her.
So it was me and McKenna fromthat day on.
And again, going back to myparents, my parents really stood
up and my parents were thatsecond set of parents to her.
So my dad and my stepdad wereher dads and they raised her and
they stepped in and if you wereto ask McKenna like who are
(11:53):
your dad, she's like grandpa andpapa, like that's who raised me
.
So that was really my firstlike level of abandonment, Like
I wasn't good enough.
And not only was I not goodenough, but like my daughter
wasn't good enough.
So that was like our first 21or 22.
I was super grateful because Ihad a really good job in
corporate, even at a very youngage 20, you know, 21 or 22 years
(12:15):
old.
I was making six figures.
So I was like I don't need aman, I'm totally fine, I have
her and we're going to like takeon the world.
So that was like 21, 22.
Fast forward like three years.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I meet another policeman it gets better.
Guys Stick around on the showit gets better.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
I meet another policeman.
I'm actually out to lunch.
He's sitting across the table.
He's a policeman.
We have a conversation.
He has a young daughter whodoes not have a mother.
I have a young daughter whodoesn't have a father.
Just makes sense on paper.
Right Six weeks later we getmarried.
Train wreck, total train wreck.
We are married for literallyjust a few months, but again
(12:54):
like policemen to policemen Washis name John.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
No, his name was Don but.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Don.
Yeah, we don't even reallycount him.
If people ask me like how manytimes we've been married, we
just kind of throw that one, weput that under.
But again, a pattern that I hadnot seen yet in my early years.
So we were married for a couplemonths, move on, move back into
my parents' house, single forabout five or six years on
Facebook, probably five or sixyears later, this guy messages
(13:20):
me on Facebook.
He's like oh, I see you're aMichigan fan.
Guy messages me on Facebook.
He's like oh, I see you're aMichigan fan.
I'm like I'm a Michigan fan.
We start having a conversation,we meet for a date.
He's a police officer, we getmarried.
So now I'm two police officers.
I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's the cuffs,the uniform, like they're just
like assholes, like I don't knowwhat it is Right.
So now I've been married to twopolice officers.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I have a father with a police, like a you know, baby
daddy is a police officer.
But this was like it, like Itruly thought this was it, like
he was a great man, a reallygreat dad.
We had a really a greatmarriage.
I thought, um, make it a littleemotional on the podcast here
(14:06):
um and we we dated for about twoand a half years and we got
married.
And I had a best friend at thetime.
Her name was Lisa and we hadbeen best friends for about 10
years, did everything togetherlike she was my ride or die,
disney concerts, braiding eachother's hair, raising our
daughters together, like just myride or die girlfriend.
(14:27):
And I remember the day I gotmarried.
I opened, like we got married,and then you get your wedding
pictures back and I opened mylike gallery and the very first
picture I saw on my weddinggallery was Dave and Lisa
walking across this like field,lisa walking across this like
(14:49):
field, and I was like, well,that's odd, why would they be
walking across this like fieldtogether?
That's interesting.
You know, you just kind of likeput something in your vault and
you're like, okay, I sort oflike put that in the vault in
our first two years of marriage,things just started to kind of
pop up.
I would find like a movieticket in his pocket and I'd be
like, why was he at a movie atlike two in the afternoon, like
(15:10):
on her side of town, like, andthere was just things like that
just started to pop up Right,and I would start to ask
questions and he'd be like, ohyeah, I was like over there, she
did something, fixed and then,like I just like grabbed a movie
and I just like did not want tobelieve it.
I was just like.
I was like I've had these trainwrecks.
I finally found my person.
I do not want to believe this.
I just kept putting it in thevault, in the vault, right, and
(15:32):
this went on for probably likeprobably like five years that I
just like vaulted it and vaultedit, and vaulted it.
And I knew, we know as women,right, we, we knew, and to sit
across from her like at holidaysand vacations and just know,
like I know that you are havinglike a relationship with my
husband and not like a sexualrelationship.
(15:54):
I'm like I think they're likeliterally like in love with each
other Because, like you couldsee it right, yeah, and then
Christmas Eve I had gone intoour closet and I found all these
Christmas gifts of things thatlike I never would have asked
for, like I was like I wouldnever have wanted that I would
have never asked for that.
(16:14):
But I know my best friendreally well and these are things
like she would have wanted,like she loved those stupid and
I apologize if you love this,but she loved those stupid Alex
and Ani bracelets and I was likehe bought, like 10 of them and
I was like I would never wearone of those.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
But there was like 10 of them so I was like okay,
clearly like it's for her and he.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
That night I noticed all the gifts were gone, like
they were no longer in thecloset.
So he came home the nextmorning and I opened his trunk
and there was all these gifts inhis trunk.
So like they obviously spentlike Christmas together.
And then Christmas morning hejust like literally like told me
like we've been in arelationship for six years oh my
god we have vacations together.
(16:56):
We have traveled like all overthe world together like they
were in a full relationship.
This wasn't like hey, we likehooked up like once in a while
like a full relationship, um,and I still tried to work it out
.
I tried to work it out.
I like begged because I wasmortified.
I was like what is wrong withme?
I cannot keep a boyfriend.
(17:18):
I cannot keep two otherhusbands.
Like I can't.
I would be so embarrassed, likeI would be so embarrassed if
someone else leaves me.
So I was clenching on so bad.
And then he left and she leftand to this day they're married.
(17:38):
They actually live in our home,um, and they have a beautiful
life.
And it took me a really longtime to get there.
I've actually never spoke toher Once I found out.
I've never spoken to her.
He's forgiven, like I forgivehim.
Guys make mistakes.
Guys do things like I feel likethey do, but it's like a girl
code.
But yeah, like so they, theylive in our home, they have a
(18:02):
beautiful life now.
But it was really hard also totell McKenna, our daughter,
because these were she had twodaughters and we grew up with
them for eight years.
So now it's like, well, why islike my stepdad living in our
home with my friends?
Like it was just this wholeweird dynamic and like we're not
like trashy people.
(18:23):
It's not like.
This is like some, like MauryPovich show like played out.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
You know like, we live in a nice town.
We live in a nice area.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So it was humiliating , like it was humiliating.
So from there I was like no man, like we are swearing off men,
we are swearing off policemen.
And I said, you know, I'm goingto stay single for a really
long time and when I do, if Iever do again or if I ever date
again, it's going to be superdifferent.
And then we can talk about likethe next chapter of what that
(18:52):
looked like.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
That's heavy, heavy.
I'm just.
I'm visualizing everythingunfolding as you're telling the
story and I just think to myselfand this is for anybody
listening like why go throughthe marriage if it's starting at
?
It's not like this happened?
Speaker 3 (19:09):
after you got married .
Speaker 1 (19:10):
This is like you're saying your vows in front of
your friends and family, knowingyou have this over here, but
you're still going to go throughit and then go for five years
to live in this.
That, to me, is just sopremeditated.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
And.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
I can't even.
I mean, it's unbelievable thatyou even had to go through that
experience and the emotionaltoll.
The two previous coupling, ifyou will, I mean that one wasn't
really a divorce in my opinion.
So you know, prior and now thisdid you.
I'm curious did that thirdround of cancer come in after
all of this unfolded, or was itduring?
Speaker 2 (19:48):
It was before.
Yeah, it was pretty much before.
It was like a couple yearsbefore it.
Yeah, before husband numberthree.
Before husband number three butI will say, after husband,
number after husband number two.
Dave, this one.
We had a whole issue of thingsthat happened after, which we
can I'll definitely explain in asecond.
But after I found out about allof this, I tried to save it and
(20:12):
we went to therapy for aboutsix months and I don't know
about any men out therelistening to this podcast or
even women listen to podcastsbut some people just feel like
they have to share everything.
So he shared everything and Iknow for him.
He felt like he needed to comeclean and like say everything.
But when you hear everythingabout an affair for five years,
(20:35):
that is not stuff that you canjust be like okay.
Well, like I'm glad you feelbetter, like even to this day,
there are things that like I seeor I hear or I feel that like
literally make me sick.
Right, it was like she was inmy home, she was in my bed, like
there was just so many thingsand I'm glad that he was able to
(20:57):
get this out and he feelsbetter.
But, like you don't always needto share everything, because
now that he's moved on and hefeels better, share everything.
Because now that he's moved onand he feels better, like I
still have to live with, likethis all happened, like under my
roof, under my nose, likethings like you know, I planned
a surprise party for him, a hugesurprise party, spent tens of
(21:18):
thousand dollars, and like theywere having sex, like in the
bathroom at it, like things likethat.
So it's things like that.
That it's like, while yes, Iappreciate you telling me all of
this you have such a guard upmoving forward in your life,
because it's like well, is everyman like this?
Can I ever trust anyone likethat?
So after I came out of this, Ifeel like I had like no control
(21:40):
of anything.
So I became a fitnesscompetitor because I was like
there's only one thing that Ican control and it's like my
workouts, my foods, and I wentdown a massive rabbit hole.
I had almost a decade of eatingdisorders.
I competed because I was like Iam not attractive, and I was,
but it was like I want to get asfit as I can and as small as I
(22:00):
can and as skinny as I can andas big boobs as I can and all of
these things.
So I went down like a crazyself-destructive route after
that, because I was like I'mgoing to put all this focus on
me now, and it was like a decadeof just like self-harm that
made me feel better, when reallyI was just doing it because I
was like trying to feel betterabout myself.
(22:22):
So looking back, it was likedoing it for all the wrong
reasons.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Absolutely and where I want to shift.
This is really where so manypeople can see themselves in
your story.
Maybe not the exact story,right, but so much of what
you've gone through and I know Ican Myself.
I'm listening to you and I'mlike yep.
I remember that when I didsomething like that, or I picked
the wrong you know, the quote,unquote, wrong guy, which
they're all there to teach ussomething, and I really, truly
believe that it's for us totruly fall in love with
ourselves, like at the coreright, like not the things,
(22:55):
because I went down the road offitness competition as well, and
so I can really relate to thattoo, like if I only look leaner,
if I only look tighter and myboobs are bigger like yep, and
then you start realizing thatnone of that matters and you can
go through just like strippingaway all of the layers that were
protection, so to speak, for usto survive, and then just let
(23:17):
loose and go like bare bonesinto a healing journey and
transformation like no others.
Like when was that for you whereyou just finally had to face
the music, because everyone hastheir aha moment of oh shit, I
need to like really take care ofthis, and not on a superficial
level?
Was there that aha moment thathit you, or was it just kind of
like a gradual experience whereyou started witnessing that?
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, I would say it was definitely when I was
competing and still feeling likeI was chasing, like validation
from something else.
Right, I wasn't chasingvalidation from men anymore, I
was chasing validation fromjudges or chasing validation
from people at the gym, and itwas like when is just validation
from myself like actually goingto be enough?
Cause, it was like, okay, I'mchasing a number on a scale, or
(24:01):
I'm chasing a trophy, or I'mchasing getting in a magazine,
or I'm chasing all of this, andit was like no, I really had to
get really clear of, like, whatis actually important.
And even like, from arelationship standpoint, it was
like even to that point I mean,I was 34, 35 years old and it
was like I didn't even know whatI wanted in life.
(24:21):
I was like chasing all these menwho weren't even like, not even
good humans, but weren't evenreally who I even wanted as well
, and it was like, okay, likeall of this stops, right, I'm
not chasing the fitness anymore,I'm not chasing.
You know, I was on my fourthboob job at that point.
I was like what am I doing allof this for?
It's like, who is actuallyJillian?
(24:42):
And I had to really like juststop and like do all of that
kind of like inner work andreally pay attention to that.
I think that's when I reallykind of just dove into like
myself and what I wanted, andthat was when things just really
kind of shifted.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Oh, I love this.
This is like one of my favoriteparts of the conversation to
talk about.
So what did that look like foryou?
Everyone has their own practice.
If you pacing and all of thatwhat did that look like for you?
Like, where did you start?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Yeah, so the first thing that I started with was
like, what are the patterns thatyou keep doing over and over
and over and why are youactually doing them?
So I really started with likerelationships and I really got
very clear of like, not only menrelationships, but even like
female relationships.
Like, why are you continuouslyin the same ones?
(25:28):
Why are you drawn to the samewomen like relationships all the
time?
Right, and I think a lot of ithad to do with like always
wanting to fit in because, like,I didn't really fit in, as,
like a kid, I was awkward,obviously, right, I was like the
only bald kid in my school.
So it was like I was alwayschasing these popular groups and
like the popular girls and allof these things.
(25:48):
So it was like, are these evengirls that I wanted to hang out
with?
Are these even friends that Iwant to be friends with?
So it was like I got reallyclear of like who were the
relationships I wanted to be in,what really fueled me up, and I
did that through one likejournaling.
I'm like a huge advocate oftherapy.
I actually love talk therapy.
I know it gets like a lot ofshit, but like, I actually love
talk therapy.
I'm like can I just go to aroom and someone listen to me
(26:10):
talk for an hour please?
So I actually love talk therapy.
I'm still in it to this day.
But then I, you know, I didsome other things right, like
meditation, sound breath, thingslike that.
(26:30):
But I was still living inMichigan, so those things
weren't like readily available,like it is out here or maybe
some areas that you guys live in, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
So really, it was just like talking through a lot
of those emotions and gettingclear of, like, what those were.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah, talk therapy is great, I love it.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
I think it's wonderful.
I just feel there's so muchmore when you want to, you know,
be very actionable in thehealing process.
So, yeah, I definitely I'vebeen in that space where I'm
like talk therapy, but it is, itserves a purpose for sure,
especially when you need torelease that weight that you're
holding onto.
So then, what was the next stepfor you?
Was it?
Did you go deeper?
(26:55):
Did you do any sort of this isnot common back in the Midwest.
So I'm not going to even botherasking the question because I
already know the answer.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
but like retreats, for instance, like medicine or
any sort of like really crackingopen no, it was very different,
but it was funny, because I hadjust become an entrepreneur in
Michigan and I had come toSedona for the first time and I
was like what?
Speaker 3 (27:17):
is this place.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
Right Like crystals and all these things, and that
was like the first time I evenlike dipped my toes into
anything.
And I can't remember her name,but she's very well known in
Sedona and it was the first timeI'd ever gone to just this like
release ceremony where we Idon't know if it was like breath
work or what it was, but wewere like screaming and like
doing all this stuff.
And I remember going back toMichigan being like this was
(27:41):
amazing, and now this is like arandom Wednesday here now.
Speaker 3 (27:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But like back when I was in Michigan, I was like what
is this?
So that was like my first likereal time of it.
And then, as I've obviously nowbeen into, in Scottsdale and
having more access to thesethings, you know now I
definitely do more of it.
But for me a big thing is likeI suppress a lot of emotions, so
anything that I can like movethrough it, so whether it's like
movement or releasing like I'ma huge advocate of like
Jacqueline with like her releasemethod like anything I can just
like move through my body.
(28:12):
That is how I really like I dowell, so good.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Yeah, it's amazing.
It's anything stored in yourbody that you can actually help
release dis-ease, right, becausethat's what disease is, and
you've been a part of thatpretty much your whole life.
How is your scheduling now witheverything?
Because have you learned somuch through this journey, where
you live completely differentlythan you did even just five, 10
(28:39):
years ago?
Oh yeah, Totally.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
I think absolutely.
I live differently, I makedecisions differently, I make
friendships differently, I honormyself differently.
I think absolutely.
I live differently, I makedecisions differently, I have
make friendships differently, Ihonor myself differently, I
honor my body differently, I'mopen to things differently.
I'm also guarded to thingsdifferently and I think I love
differently.
I think that is like one of oneof the biggest things.
(29:02):
I think for a really long time,I always like put men first and
like their needs and what wasimportant to them.
And I think even over the lastlike two years especially, it's
like what is really important tome and like how do I want to
feel, and not even feel in likemale relationships, but even
like female relationships, right, and even like going back to
this friendship that I have,looking back on it for the eight
(29:23):
years it was always like howcould I serve her, like what
could I do for her, like wheredid she want to go to lunch?
What did she want to do?
And because she was like thepopular girl, right, like she
was a popular girl in school,and it's like that isn't even a
friendship that, looking back,really even served me.
I was just like grasping to it.
So even now as an, as an olderperson, I don't even go into
(29:45):
friendships like that evenanymore either.
So would you say that you were?
Speaker 1 (29:49):
former people pleaser in many ways.
Yeah, I was a people pleaser.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
But I was also like a , a chaser of, like the in crowd
.
You know, I'll even I'll evenuse an example of like Chris's
mastermind.
Right going into Chris'smastermind, I'm going into my
fourth year.
The first year I went into it Iwas like I got to be friends
with all the pretty people.
I got to be friends with allthe popular people that I follow
on instagram like right, the,the influencers, right and then
(30:14):
those weren't even the peoplethat I Really even wanted to be
friends with.
They weren't even the peoplethat I actually connected with.
But I was like chasing, like Iwanted to be part of that like
cool crowd.
And after the first year Iremember like sitting down and
being like, but is this reallywho you want to connect with?
Is this really the girls youeven have anything in common
(30:37):
with?
Is this even the girls likeoutside of this room you would
be friends with in real life?
Yeah, they're great and they'regreat people, but are these
like your people?
And then, going back into thesecond year and third year, even
this year, it's like no,they're not.
It's like I've made such morebeautiful relationships and even
different friendships becauseI'm more honest with like who I
(31:00):
crave, the friendships that Icrave, what is going to really
suit me, versus just kind oflike chasing.
I think all of us kind of dothis and it's like I had to get
even clearer of that for me.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Jillian, I love this so much, Like so so much.
What you just described is acomplete self-discovery.
That's what it is.
It's just going down that pathof self-discovery and self, you
know, just inquiry.
You know, you have to ask theseimportant questions because the
only person that has the answeris you, and I think so
oftentimes and I've been theretoo is that we try to live
(31:34):
outside of ourselves to receivethe answers, when the answers
are always within Totally Everysingle time right.
So sitting in that space ofself-inquiry and getting very
curious and just wondering isthis even real for me, or am I
just being sucked in to thismain?
People call it the matrix right, it really is like this whole
thing of?
Is this even me, and I thinkthat's where it can become so
(31:54):
confusing when you have such anonline presence and navigating
one, a healing journey to try toshow up authentically you and
getting really clear with that.
It can be very, almostconvoluted, right.
So what do you recommend?
Successful, ambitious women,specifically, that are
overcoming people, pleasing andlow self-worth you know, not a
(32:15):
whole lot of self-love going onthere.
What do you, what do yourecommend for them to start
doing?
Speaker 2 (32:20):
I think the biggest thing is to get really clear of,
like, who they are, right, andwhether that's finding your
people or your tribe to reallypour into you, but even just
getting really clear of who youare.
So I do this thing even in myown world, and I tell my clients
this who are struggling withthis it's making your list of a
hundred, and the list of ahundred is like a 100 reasons
(32:40):
why, like, you're a really greathuman and 100 reasons why
somebody is lucky to be in yourpresence and 100 reasons why,
like, someone's lucky to be yourfriend, right.
So even like, let's just goback to the mastermind right,
when I'm in that room andsomebody doesn't want to be my
friend or doesn't want to sit byme or whatever, it's like
there's 100 reasons why, like,I'm really freaking cool or I'm
(33:03):
really freaking great right, andit's like, if they don't want
to, then like that's on them andlike I'm actually the cool kid
and they're missing out on it.
So it's like going back to thatlist.
But if I never had that list, Iwould shrink and I would be like
oh, like I wish they wanted tobe my friend or I wish they
wanted to sit by me or whatever.
But now being able to like standin that and be like, no, this
(33:24):
is who I am, and it does taketime, right and also knowing
that, like you're not going tobe everyone's cup of tea and
that's absolutely okay, butowning like who you are and I
think the other thing,especially when you're in the
online space like owning who youare is so important, because if
you can't stand for who you are, then you're never going to
(33:46):
know like who you are right.
So I think that is so, so, soimportant, because if you don't
know and you're always trying tofind someone else or look up to
somebody else or all of those,you're going to fall every
single time.
So it's like what makes JillianJillian, what makes Brie Brie,
(34:08):
what makes Chrissy Chrissy?
And then you are going to feelso powerful when you walk into
these big rooms or when you showup on a podcast or when you do
those things, and it's likeyou're going to like be so good
in your own skin that it's notgoing to matter what anybody
else thinks.
I couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Everything you just said.
It really is standing in yourpower.
Like that's the epitome ofstanding in your power and
owning it and knowing that I amgood enough you know, and people
feel that.
Like it's one thing to say it,you know it's another thing.
You can read the room and readenergy At least I can.
I know you probably can too.
And so you know when someone'sreally truly in their element
and in their power.
And, like you said, if itdoesn't align, then that's okay.
(34:47):
You're not everyone'swheelhouse, and that's what
makes this experience, thishuman experience, so fun is that
you then know the ones that youare coming into that relation
with.
It's supposed to be right, it'ssupposed to be.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Yeah, and I think, even like you know now fast
forwarding, like you know, I'mdating now, I have a boyfriend
now, but when, even like I wasdating, even like before, when I
was dating, like I'd show up acertain way, like how do they
want me to dress or how do theywant me to show up, or all of
those things, and I rememberright now, like I have a
boyfriend now, but on our firstdate, like I was like getting
dressed and I did an Instagramstory.
(35:21):
I'm like I'm gonna show up onthis first date a hundred
percent like how I dress,because I'm not gonna wait three
months for him to see like thisgirl wears baggy jeans and big
t-shirts and Jordans.
Like I'm gonna show up on dayone like this, because if he
doesn't like this or he'slooking for a girl that wears a
certain type of clothes ordresses a certain way, then like
I'm not it.
But I think even women who,like are dating, they like try
(35:44):
to like mask it, or they try toshow up a certain way, or they
try to like dress for a man acertain way and it's like own
who you are from day one, youknow, and I remember, like on
that first date I showed up Ihad a Chicago Bulls t shirt on
baggy baggy jeans, like thesecargo jeans and like Jordans,
and he was like, oh my God,you're adorable.
And I was like thank you.
But if he wouldn't have likedthat, then that's okay, because
(36:08):
I'm not the girl for him.
So I think that that's soimportant too.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Probably one of the best dating advices I've heard
in a long time.
Thank you, like we need to havethat as a clip on Instagram.
Thank you, that's a real liferight there.
I couldn't agree more, becausewhy in the world are you going
to sell something you aren't?
Then you're going to getsomething you don't want, right.
So the quicker you can justshow up and be authentically you
and who you are, then thatperson is a for you person, and
(36:35):
if it's not, then you just getquicker to who's supposed to be
for you, right?
Like you weed through it somuch faster and I think, think
even to like.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
You know, for all the entrepreneurs that are
listening, it's the same way,like, even like on your social
media or when you're speaking atan event or you're showing up
on a podcast, right, like,obviously, be respectful when
you're on someone's podcast oryou're at their event, but also
show up with who you are andleading that way, because then
your people are going to bemagnets to you.
I had my event last weekobviously Tuesday and Wednesday
(37:03):
but then I spoke at someone'sevent on Friday, on Thursday,
and all the speakers looked theexact same.
They all had these dresses on,they all had heels on, and I
showed up in Jordans, a skirtand a t-shirt, and I think I was
the only speaker that droppedenough bum probably.
And this woman came up to me inthe back of the room and she
was like I need to work with you.
She's like you have a no BSattitude.
(37:24):
I need someone that can, like,get down to business with me and
like, out of everybody up there, like you triggered me a little
bit, but you also activated mea little bit.
So I don't know what it's liketo work with you being who I was
(37:45):
and just like a little robotlike everybody else, I wouldn't
have been magnetic.
So it's like be who you are, beunapologetic, because that's
when other people come into you,but it's also when other people
are like, oh, she's not for meeither.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
And it's so true.
Here's the thing I think whenyou think you have to be
something you're not, that'swhen you truly lose your
magnetism.
I mean, we're always magnet,we're always, we always have
magnetism right, but I feel likeit's only when you are in
alignment with who you truly sayyou are.
So, for instance, if maybeyou're not super, you know high
energy one day, but you're stillin alignment with who you are,
(38:18):
you're still magnetizing thatelement into you.
So, yeah, I'm all for showing upas completely and wholly who
you are as a human being.
It's a more juicier way to livelife too, so you don't have to
walk around like let me try tofit in here, let me try to fit
in here.
Oh, I don't have that samedress on.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
It's okay, it's totally okay, it's all right.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
Yeah, I love this about you and I did notice that
at the mastermind when you wererepping the Jordans with your
pants, like that was so hot.
I'm like, look at her, she's sospicy, I love it.
So, coming full circle to thiswhole life experience, and
you're now at 46, what's onetakeaway that you feel now, you
(39:01):
now know at 46, looking down atyour younger self, looking up at
your higher self, sitting whereyou're at right now, what's one
lesson like life lesson thatyou've learned to just sit with
and one that you really, I guess, operate from?
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I think one is that forgiveness is really more about
you.
Like, when you forgive someone,it's really about you releasing
what needs to be released.
And even if someone doesn'tdeserve your forgiveness, or
they even haven't even asked forforgiveness, I think it's
really about you releasing whatneeds to be released, right?
I think that is it.
Like there's people in my lifewho haven't asked for
(39:40):
forgiveness, but I've forgiventhem, and I think that that's
really important.
Otherwise, you're going to holdon to it and you're going to
hold the grudges.
And I think that is probablyone of the best ones.
And I think the second one isreally just slowing down, to
speed up, like asking yourselfreally important questions Does
this feel good?
Does this make sense?
Is this in alignment with whereI'm going?
Does this friendship make sense?
(40:06):
I think all of those things arereally, really important because
I think, as a younger person,we make decisions really quick
and it's like, hey, let's justslow down.
My daughter's getting marriedin six weeks, great example, my
daughter's getting married insix weeks, and everything's
really quick decisions.
I got to book this, I got to dothis, I got to do this.
And it's like let's just slowdown and does this decision make
(40:28):
sense with this next decision,for this next decision?
Or are we just like ramboingdecisions right here, to just
like make decisions right?
So I think it's like let's juststop breathe and make sure that
every decision we make makessense for the next one that's
coming ahead.
Speaker 1 (40:36):
Great advice, the power of the pause, like yeah,
slow down.
I feel like people don't sitwith that enough because,
there's so much.
That's why they say power inthe pause, because there is so
much strength in that momentwhen you can get still get quiet
and just reflect prior tomaking any decisions at all.
Yeah, that's great.
I love that.
Jillian, you're amazing, I loveit.
Speaker 3 (40:56):
Right back at you.
Speaker 1 (40:56):
It's so much more, but we have to get jiggy with
Jillian right now.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
I'm here for it.
Speaker 3 (41:00):
Let's get jiggy with it.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
This is 22 fire round questions.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
She has no clue what I'm going to ask her.
I'm very nervous.
I'm nervous too.
You're like I'm also nervousfor you.
No, no, it's going to be great,fast, fun and full of soul.
Are you ready?
Yeah, all right, let's go.
What's one word that bestdescribes your energy right now?
Hi, first thing you do when youwake up Check my phone.
(41:27):
Oh, you are one of those.
At least she's honest.
I'm honest.
Go-to hype song when you needto feel unstoppable.
I want to dance with somebody.
Yeah, that's a good one.
What's your guilty pleasuresnack?
Oh, halo Top ice cream.
One of my favorites.
It has protein in it.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
Yeah, it does Mint chocolate chip so good.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Most empowering thing someone's ever said to you.
You activate me.
That's a good one.
What's your soul superpower?
Reading people.
What are you reading right now?
Speaker 2 (42:04):
I'm just reading that you're in a really good place
and you're happy with wherewe're at.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
Thank you, that's accurate and you're happy with
the way the podcast is goingvery accurate if you could have
dinner with any version of youfrom the past.
Which version and why?
Speaker 2 (42:17):
um right, after I had my daughter and just tell her
like you're gonna be okay andlike tell her like you're gonna
be okay and like you got this,you're gonna be a great mom oh,
that's so good.
Speaker 1 (42:26):
Mountains, ocean or desert energy, um mountains.
One book that cracked you openlove life, matthew hussey.
Oh yeah, I have yet to readthat, yet so good.
He's the mantra that'scurrently living in your heart.
Speaker 2 (42:45):
I think it is still like slow down to speed up.
Yeah, I say that a lot.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
I feel that Coffee order or fave ritual drink Lemon
water, just lemon water.
Speaker 2 (42:55):
I don't drink any caffeine.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
What's your alter ego's name and vibe?
Speaker 2 (43:04):
So it's actually Elena Cardone is who I step into
all the time.
Wow, and she's a boss, she's aboss, yeah.
So even like when I did mywebinars on wednesday, it's like
, all right, you're steppinginto elena cardone like
nothing's gonna ruffle her.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
So yeah, elena cardone is like my go-to, that's
a good one, yeah, powerhouseright there, something you used
to believe that you've totallyoutgrown you have to be ashamed
of being married multiple times.
That literally, is it?
Speaker 2 (43:26):
Yeah, and like I still love love and like I'll
probably be married again, maybeeven soon, good for you sister.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
Yeah, I can't wait A personal moment you are most
proud of, even if no one saw it.
Speaker 2 (43:38):
Running a marathon that I did not train for being
over 200 pounds like, and eventhough like, nobody was there at
the end there was not even likewater cups left and like they
were taking down the barrels,but I was like I freaking did
this yeah oh my god, that'sanother podcast literally insane
(44:00):
.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
it is so good, so proud of you.
That's amazing.
Speaker 3 (44:02):
It was legit chill.
Do you have pictures of it?
Speaker 1 (44:04):
It's terrible, but yes, we'll have to look at those
.
What's your love language?
Has it changed?
Speaker 2 (44:10):
No, it's physical touch.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
Yeah, I'm all for that, me too.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
Signature, scent or crystal, you never leave home
without I'm actually not like ascent person but, um, I actually
do love the kayla gray scent soI have, I do spray that off, so
maybe that's the scent yeah,check it out.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Yeah, if your life had a theme song right now, what
would it be?
The best is yet to come.
Speaker 2 (44:39):
One lesson you would tattoo on your soul forever let
them, it's big right now yeaheveryone's saying let them, I
know that's why I'm not gettinga tattoo, because it's like
everyone has it, but it's agreat, it's yeah it's true,
though, let them middle fingersand all yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
How do you celebrate your wins, big or small?
Um?
Speaker 2 (44:59):
I just share it with people that I love.
Yeah, I have like a core groupof girls that I call and
celebrate.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
So good.
What are you currentlymanifesting?
Speaker 2 (45:07):
A hundred thousand dollar day.
Speaker 1 (45:08):
Boom yeah, heard it right there.
That's a good one.
And last but not least, if youcould whisper one message to
every woman and man listeningright now, what would it be?
Speaker 2 (45:24):
Don't let anybody underestimate you, Juliette.
I'm going to underestimate you.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
Jillian, you're amazing.
Thank you.
Your story is so powerful andit's a powerful reminder that
don't let life define you.
Regardless of what you've gonethrough, right, it does not
matter.
You can recreate yourself everysingle day, and you are living
proof of that, especially whatyou've gone through right, like
it does not matter, you canrecreate yourself every single
day and you are living proof ofthat, like especially what
you've gone through as such ayoung girl to where you are
today.
I just big hugs all around toyou, thank you.
(45:51):
Just, I love seeing you in sucha powerful energy right now and
living your truth.
Speaker 2 (45:56):
It's amazing and thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (45:57):
It was so great to sit across from you, like I've
been such a big fan of you for along time and to be here and
recording with you live likeit's such an honor and I
appreciate you, I appreciate youand we're going to have you
back on again, because there's Imean, just even talking through
this I'm like, oh yeah, I meanthe marathon story.
The marathon story alone is apodcast episode, are you kidding
?
No, this is not the end, forsure course I'll see you in a
(46:27):
couple weeks on the master.
Yeah, thank you so much.
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