July 1, 2025 • 27 mins
Ep. 91: Figuring out how to recover from "meh"
In this solo episode of All Figured Out, I’m introducing you to the Figure 8 Alignment Tool—the 8-part check-in I created for parents who feel like something’s “off,” but can’t quite name what’s wrong.
Whether you’re exhausted, second-guessing yourself, disconnected from the people you love, or just feeling out of sync with your life…this episode will help you pinpoint where the misalignment is happening—and what you can do about it.
We’ll walk through 8 key areas—covering both your personal life and your professional world—that impact how you feel day to day.
You’ll learn how to:
– Recognize the subtle signs of misalignment as a parent
– Check in on your energy, time, relationships, and work
– Shift from survival mode back into feeling like yourself
– Make small, doable changes that create a big difference
Related episodes:
Ep. 75: 2025 ins and outs for the working parent: what’s in, what’s out & how to thrive this year – Spotify or Apple
Ep. 76: From Jillian Harris to human design with Mindy Crawford – Spotify or Apple
Ep. 38: Figuring out your hobbies as a parent – Spotify or Apple
About Andrea Barr, host of All Figured Out:
Andrea Barr is a certified career and life coach who helps ambitious parents take charge of their careers and lives with strategy, intention, and freedom. She rejects the idea that success requires sacrifice—showing parents how to create more time, flexibility, and fulfillment without burnout. Through her coaching, workshops, and podcast, All Figured Out, Andrea shares the strategies and mindset shifts parents need to design careers that fit their lives—so they can thrive at work and at home.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
You're listening to the All Figured Out podcast.
I'm your host, Andrea Barr. I'm a career coach for parents,
mom of two, and a self-proclaimed expert at
winging it. After 10 years in the corporate
world, two major career pivots, and navigating life with kids,
I've learned one thing. No parent has it all figured
out, and that's OK. Here, we're all about growing
(00:25):
personally and professionally while keeping family time
sacred. You'll get practical tips,
career strategies and musings onlife, plus guest experts to help
us fill in the gaps. So grab a coffee or hide in your
car for some knee time. We're about to figure out this
worked life and parenting stuff out together.
(00:45):
Welcome back to the All Figured Out podcast.
My name is Andrea Barr. I am your host.
And today we have a solo episode, one of the first solo
episodes I've done in a long time.
I didn't actually look up when the last one was.
They did, but it feels exciting,kind of weird to be back on the
mic, just me, my voice and I I have so much respect for the
(01:10):
hosts who do this as their full time show.
It is, yeah. It's kind of strange.
It's nerve wracking to talk to yourself, to talk into a mic,
into the ears of whoever is listening.
But it is. Yeah.
It's fun to do this. I personally like listening to
solo episodes and hearing the hosts of the shows that I love.
So you know what, we're trying something out.
(01:31):
So if you enjoy this format, if you're digging this, just send
me a message, let me know what you think, what kind of segments
you'd want to hear about, what kind of topics.
Let's make this together, shall we?
So a little update on the personal front.
We are, it is the end of June already.
It is the summer solstice tomorrow.
(01:53):
Today at the time of recording is June 19th.
And it's it's a weird one. I remember having a conversation
with my girlfriend Joe a couple years ago and we were talking
about the feeling of the summer solstice or the winter solstice
coming up and how it really evokes like big feels for some
of us. I remember I think she was
saying her mom kind of gets thisas well.
(02:15):
And I am such a winter solstice person.
Hell, I even did like an episodeon the winter solstice with
Chantelle Russell as one of my very first episodes because it's
like one of my favorite days of the year.
You're everything is just on theapp.
As someone who values like growth and forward movement and
newness and change and all that,I, yeah, I just love the winter
(02:39):
solstice because it means that the days are about to get
lighter. And coming upon the summer
solstice is such, I find it's a weird one because tomorrow is
going to be the longest day of the year, which is so cool,
something to celebrate. And at the same time, it means
that the days will only be getting shorter, which makes me
(03:01):
feel kind of weird. And I don't know if you relate
to this, let me know. I yeah, I've got feelings about
it. But then again, we still have
the whole summer ahead of us. So that's, I think the weird
part as well is that we've got the summer to look forward to.
We've got beautiful weather ahead.
It's already getting beautiful here in Vancouver.
And, and yeah, so it's a, it's astrange one, but you know what?
(03:24):
Cycle seasons, they're all good,right?
They're all good. It's important to remember that
it's good to kind of get the hype of summer.
It's good to have the coziness of the fall and the winter.
Can't even believe I'm saying the words fall and winter.
So I don't know. Let me know.
Let me know if you agree with this.
We are in one of our final yearsas a family of not entering the
(03:49):
summer as this, like, pivotal change for our family dynamic.
I've been having conversations with, you know, new clients or
people have been meeting throughthe podcast this week and
they're like, oh, so, you know, do you have kids in school?
They're going to be off school soon.
And I'm like, no. And someone said today said
like, oh, so like status quo. I was like, yeah, status quo.
(04:09):
And I also have big feelings about that.
I think I've just summoned a bigfeeling face today.
I've got kind of feelings about the fact that damn got
kindergarten coming in a year. So we're not my daughter.
My older daughter is not going to be going to school in
September. She's going to school in the
following year because here in BC they start at 5:00.
(04:30):
And so we've got kind of one more year of this like Footloose
and fancy free. And the feeling I have about
this is that it's like the year before you decide to start
trying to have children. That's how I feel right now
where we're like, we can travel whenever we want.
There's no pulling kids out of school.
(04:51):
There's no like thinking about the schedule and what I've
shared this fear with moms in mylife who are have come before
me, who are ahead of me by a couple of years.
They're like even teachers. I've got friends who are
teachers. Like it doesn't matter.
My girlfriend Sarah, she was saying she's a teacher and she's
like, it doesn't like you can't fail kids for keeping them out
(05:12):
of school. If you my girlfriend Sarah was
saying, you know, don't worry, like it's not like they're your
kids are going to fail if you take them out of school.
So that did make me feel better.Like if you were to take your
kids out of school for a couple weeks to go on a vacation, it's
not the end of the world, but still, it feels like this thing.
And so that's where I'm at this week, the solstice things, the
(05:36):
one more year school things likeI'm just feeling in my feels.
And I've got a a counseling session coming up soon to maybe
I'll talk about all these big fields.
And yeah. So for today's show, I want to
get into something that's that'squite quite present, quite on
the mind for myself. Of course, as always, I am a
(05:57):
working parent just like you, but also a lot of clients that
I'm working with right now. So I want to talk to you just
about that thing that doesn't always have a word when
something feels off or someone feels stuck or like, you know,
often that feeling of stickinessor, or whatever it is comes with
(06:20):
more of a noise than a word. That's what I've noticed.
And for me as well, if I'm trying to describe to my husband
how I'm feeling about something,oftentimes when it's this
particular feeling, it's like a noise that I make, like versus
word and eloquent word. And it's something that just
(06:40):
like I said, it's a sense that something's off.
That you're doing all the things, the work, the school
drop offs, the bedtime routines,career moves, self-care when you
can fit it in because you're doing your calendar planning on
Sundays. But something just still doesn't
feel right. And you might be from the
outside looking like you've got your shit together, like you've
(07:03):
got it all figured out. But on the inside, you feel
maybe a bit scattered. Some of the symptoms could be
feeling like you're stretched thin, you're disconnected from,
you know, people in your life, or you feel like you're
disconnected from yourself. And you're kind of in that
moment where you're like, OK, I didn't know who I was.
It's not like I've never not known who I was.
But in this moment, it's like, Idon't know who I am right now.
(07:25):
And that is what I call misalignment, Misalignment for
parents. It doesn't always have to be
this big dramatic thing. Like it doesn't have to be that
thing that you're like, whoa, you need counseling for that.
You probably do, but you don't. It's not this like this is a
really big emergency for the ER type thing, right?
Like it's like this niggle, likethis little stump, it's the
(07:47):
noise, it's the and a few ways again, it can show up is like
you're exhausted, even though you are technically resting.
You're going to yoga once a week.
You have date nights. Like you've got the things in
place or your second guessing your choices all the time.
Like you make a decision, you and your partner, like Kate,
this is the decision. This is the school you want to
send our kids to. But then you're like kind of
(08:09):
second guessing things or you feel like you're two different
people, one at work, one at home, or you're feeling like
you're really busy. Like I'm, I'm busy doing all the
things on the outside. It looks like I've got a really
cool, really inspiring, really fun job.
I have a beautiful family. But why am I not feeling that
huge sense of fulfillment that Ifeel like I should feel?
(08:32):
And you're just living in response mode every day, all
day. And you're just constantly
feeling like you're putting out fires instead of, you know,
moving forward with like clarity, purpose and alignment.
So that is often what I see as the biggest call for shift or
change. Something's gotta change because
there's some kind of misalignment now.
(08:55):
I feel like I'd be remiss if I didn't talk about the fact that
alignment is in a state in whichwe we stay in 24/7.
But I really do believe, and I've felt this in my own life,
that you can be in alignment in most areas most of the time.
Like maybe we can do an 8020 a Pareto's principle here and be
(09:18):
like, you should feel alignment with the different areas and
different phases and different sectors of your life most of the
time. But if everything feels like at
the outset of the week, it's already misaligned, like your
self-care is already conflictingwith your work, which is already
conflicting with your parenting,Then yeah, you've got we've got
a problem or not a problem. We've got an opportunity to find
(09:41):
and refind alignment. And if you're watching this on
YouTube, you're watching me takemy fingers and kind of fit them
in like puzzle pieces. And so why does this happen?
Well, of course we know that, you know, modern parenting can
be a lot like a lot of us, like I always say, have been
extremely ambitious, really highperforming individuals in our
past lives and in our careers that we've worked really hard to
(10:03):
build. And we become parents and we're
so proud of that phase. But it feels like we're two
different people. We're living in two different
worlds and we have really big goals, not just at work, not
just with parenting, but in our relationships, with our health,
with our creative dreams. You might be one of those people
that's got a notes app on your phone with all of the inventions
or all the companies and all thethings you want to start.
(10:25):
And it's so hard to not sit in survival mode.
I've had therapists before who have shared with me your
counselors or different, you know, thinkers who have said,
you know, our, our brain and ourbody really can't tell the
difference between types of stress.
So it also like I am a really excitable person.
I get so excited by a lot of things.
I've always been that kid that like has something to look
(10:47):
forward to. And that's what I go to sleep at
night thinking about because I love to fall asleep with a happy
thought. Like I'm very excitable.
I love looking forward. I'm a very forward looker as
well. However, when we're doing a lot
of things and we're doing a lot of things that excite us, like
for me it would be like podcasting when I did my day, my
couple days like in person doingpodcast recordings with guests
(11:08):
like that lit me up. However, our body doesn't
recognize the difference betweenactual stress bear coming at you
or excitable stress. Like it's still kind of can be a
form of stress, even if providesfulfillment.
And so unfortunately, no one teaches us in school how to
recalibrate when life is throwing excitement and
(11:30):
stressors and just everyday things.
And then again, you become a parent and everything changes
once again. Your energy changes, your
identity changes, your body changes, your priorities change,
your relationships change. And if you don't pause to
reflect and really realign and really look at what might be
misaligned and how can you mayberealign, then you end up losing
(11:52):
yourself in the process. And you're kind of walking
through life just saying, well, it's a vase.
And you know, we'll just, we'll see, see you in 18 years, which
is just no way to live. And I don't want you to live
that way. So I in my work for the past
seven years as a coach, I have noticed and working with
hundreds of high performing professionals, I have noticed a
(12:14):
lot of trends. Like there is, you know, we all
kind of it's, it's to say no twopeople have the same story
history, of course, but there's a lot of really repeatable
patterns and I do them myself. I'm not above this.
And what I've realized, especially since working with
parents and really niching down into that space and supporting
parents, moms, dads, caregivers,is there are 8 very defined
(12:36):
spaces in which a person can feel aligned or misaligned.
And they make up what I call theFigure 8 alignment tool.
And it is a tool where you can think of a Figure 8 because it
is never ending. It is never.
It's not something that you fillup the cup in each of these
eight areas and boom, you're good to go.
But really what it is, is it's an Infinity.
It's a process of constantly moving through phases and tools
(12:58):
and tips and tricks to continue to fill up and find alignment
between these eight areas, these8 aspects of your life that I'll
walk you through. This is not a productivity hack.
This isn't a system for trying to fit more into your day
because to be honest, you probably need to like remove
some stuff from your day. We all do.
But what this is instead is it'sa tool.
It's an alignment tool to have you check in with yourself and
(13:23):
to find ways that some of those puzzle pieces aren't quite
fitting and to, you know, rejig them a little bit so that you
can put them in place. So this tool walks you through
the eight key areas of your personal and professional life.
It gives you a way to reflect onwhat's working, what's feeling
off, where you need more attention, energy, support.
And it's not going to add to your To Do List.
If anything, it's just going to highlight the areas of where you
(13:45):
could be spending your energy first.
So without further ado, let's get into it.
So section one, I've kind of also split it up into two areas.
So if you picture a Figure 8, ifyou picture an Infinity symbol,
there's two sides to that. So side #1 would be the personal
loop. You always got to start with
yourself. We know oxygen mask person
(14:05):
before the baby, all that. We know that.
And so number one of the Figure 8 alignment tool is energy in my
body. So this is the perfect place to
start. This is physical, it's visceral.
It's like you can touch yourself.
Do I have a scrap or scrape? Do I have a headache?
Like what does my body doing? Do I have, you know, scaly skin
that needs to be addressed? Do I feel rested, nourished
(14:26):
physically? Well, this is the baseline is of
course where it all starts. We're talking things like sleep,
hydration, food that fuels us and really checking in to see
where we at and how is my body feeling.
And this, I've got to say, this is one of those ones where it's,
it's like, do you have outstanding doctor's
appointments? Like these are some of the, I
know these are annoying things, but your physical health is of
(14:48):
course paramount. Without the physical body, the
mind camp thrive. We're not around.
We're not human beings on earth without the physical form.
So we got to take care of it #2 is clarity in my mind and
spirit. This is one that when I started
coaching and I, you know, would be taking people through kind of
like mind, body, spirit, that type of stuff.
(15:11):
I wouldn't have phrased it like this before, but this is
something that's really come outwith working with parents
especially. It's clarity in my mind and
clarity in my spirit. Do I feel like I have a
groundedness about me? Do I feel focused?
I feel emotionally clear and available to be with other
people. And from a spirit perspective,
insert whatever word you want, whether that's God, you know,
(15:33):
religion, spirituality. But do you feel like there's
just the sense of flow and ease as it relates to how you connect
to something bigger than yourself?
And there's a lot in this one that like in the physical world,
not just conceptually. Like this is these are the
mental todos. I was on a podcast recently with
my new friend Fiona Walsh on herLimitless podcast, and we were
(15:55):
talking about them, the mental load or the mother load.
And we were just talking about like, at its core, what it is,
is it's the To Do List items that you never actually write
down on a piece of paper. Sure, there's like the actual To
Do List, but it's a lot of stuffthat you're worrying about
thinking about that's really clogging up a lot of space in
your head. And so when there's misalignment
(16:15):
here, it can really show up as feeling foggy, feeling
scattered, like there's so much to think about, there's so much
to do. And I know this is a huge one,
especially for parents #3 is ownership of my time.
Do I feel control over how I spend my days?
This is, I'm probably going to say this about every single one
that I walk you through, but this is such a big one.
(16:38):
Do I feel ownership over my time?
And who and how am I giving my time?
Who am I giving my time to and how am I giving it?
Am I letting people take it? Am I not creating boundaries so
that my time is in control, likeI am in control of my time?
I am the owner of my time. These are these are the most
important things to think about and ask yourself.
(16:58):
Are you the one setting the paceof your life?
If you feel like things are verygo, go, go, go, go.
Oh my goodness, you've got all these activities after school
things. What do you have control over in
that? I know that you want to, you
know, please your family and your kids and they're excited
about all these supports, but isit working?
Is the system and like where you're the one driving them, is
that working? Do you have control over your
time? Are you giving it or are you
(17:19):
letting people take it? Or is it just not even a thing?
It's just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving.
And it's, you're not even thinking about it.
And so as I say that this is about time freedom, It's it's
not about time management, it's about really deciding how you
want to have a relationship withtime and not just managing it.
(17:42):
You know, first, like, I know this sounds a little woo woo and
silly, but, but really it's, it's time freedom over time
management. It's not putting building blocks
in your calendar that is so important, but that comes after.
It's like, really it's healing your relationship with time so
that you can then say to yourself, it's my time, It's my
choice. This is my life and how do I
want to spend it? How is my timer reflection of my
(18:05):
values? OK #4 is the last one of the
first side of the Figure 8? And it is moments of joy and
expression. So I think this is such a fun
one because I actually did a podcast episode on hobbies way
back when as well. I'll put all of these in the
show notes. But the hobbies episode was
really sparked because I was talking to a lot of clients at
(18:25):
that point in time and I still do who were saying I don't know
what my hobbies and interests are anymore.
I used to do pottery, but a pottery class is like 3 to 4
hours. And to be honest, like I'm
pretty tired by 8:00 PM so I don't want to stay out at
pottery till 9. Or, you know, we used to do like
Iron Man's, but I, I just don't have that drive anymore.
(18:46):
Like I, I want to stay active and I want it, but I don't want
to commit that time. And I just, I think I should
pause to say that that is OK. Like you're allowed to change
what your hobbies and interests are.
You're allowed to change how youcreate and build joint
expression in your life. So some of the questions you can
ask yourself here to see like amI in alignment with moments of
joy and expression? You could ask yourself, am I
(19:08):
laughing? Am I playing, am I creating?
Am I expressing myself regularly?
And this is something that I used to do when we were younger,
my mom would sometimes say like,go go do a craft or something,
Go do something with your hands.Because, and I heard a quote
recently that was something to the effect of like when your
mind is busy, get your hands busy.
I think it was Reese Witherspoonsaying that's what her, you
(19:29):
know, grandma said. And it's so true.
Like your joy and your creativity, they're not, it's
not luxury. It's kind of like for a lot of
people who say like working out and moving your body and your
physical health, it's paramount.And same with your joint
expression. If you're not having fun and
creating joy in your life, what's it all about?
And the relational and professional loop, So your
connections and contribution #5 connection with my kids, I
(19:54):
separated this one out from justfamily in general because
there's definitely a different type of relationship, obviously
between your, you know, your relationship that you have
outside of the home relationshipyou have with a partner
relationship. You have three kids.
And so I've started noticing that in sessions, there might be
alignment in some areas, like feeling really attuned, really
connected with your kids. And maybe there's some
(20:15):
misalignment with your partnership or vice versa.
And so are we attuned? Are we present?
Are we enjoying one another? Is there some of the questions
you can ask in this regard? And it's not about being a
perfect parent by any means. It's just about being with them.
And as you can probably start tosee in this figure out alignment
tool, Figure 8 alignment tool, everything is connected.
(20:37):
So if you're feeling like you have a lack of ownership over
your time and we're going to pull in work soon, do you feel
like that there's a lack of enjoyment or you're just giving
it all at work and there's nothing left?
This is this is how we start to see misalignments happening.
And so it's not always necessarily fixing the
connection with your kids by making the conditions around
this Figure 8 so that you can have and be more present and
(21:01):
show up more like the person that you are and the person that
you want to be for your children.
Number six is closeness in my relationship at home.
So this is with a partner, but Iuse in the home because perhaps
you live with your parents or you have a roommate or something
like that. So you know, whatever
partnership looks like for you and do you feel seen?
(21:23):
Do you feel supported? And do you feel connected to to
your partnership and your partnership?
And this could also be if it's abusiness partner, but it's
really important to really evaluate this one as a separate
entity, like I said, and #7 is quality of relationships outside
of your home. So this is, am I maintaining
meaningful friendships and community?
(21:44):
We know through a lot of research that's coming out
around longevity, the Blue Zones, the Centurions,
Centurions, I think that's what they're called, the people live
to be 100 plus. It's, it's all about community.
I mean, it's yes, it's about putting decent food in your
body, getting sleeping water andall that like that.
(22:04):
Those are table stakes for sure.But they're really noticing that
it is community based tribes andgroups of people who are living
the longest because they have connection.
So this is friendships. These are people who might be in
your neighborhood. These could be family members,
your chosen family, whatever it is, whatever that means to you.
(22:26):
And are you reaching out? Are you reaching, being reached
out too? Are you feeling part of
something bigger? This is all really, really hard
one, It's a really tricky one when your kids are young.
I, I'm finding it, I live away from a lot of friends and family
and it's definitely, it's a hardone for me because at the end of
the day, when I'm super tired and I'm trying to give, you
(22:47):
know, be present with my kids, be present with my partner to
hear about his day and what's going on for him and, and build
that relationship and stoke thatrelationship, if you will.
And then I'm coaching all day orI'm doing podcasts.
Like, I personally find this oneto be really challenging because
it's like another, you know, it's another expenditure of
(23:08):
information and I get a lot fromit.
And I find that sometimes I justneed quiet, you know, I don't
want to talk about me myself. So I end up, you know, getting
on calls and I'm just peppering the person with questions And I
realize I'm not building their closest to me because I'm not
the one who's necessarily, you know, rehashing what's going on
(23:28):
for me, because I feel like I'vejust been living it.
I've been doing it and and it takes a lot of energy.
So it's a hard one. And it's a hard one when you're
not necessarily living in the same neighborhood.
I find we connect a lot and we're spend a lot of time with
the people who are truly just down the street from us because
they're a they're wonderful people And there's just ease and
(23:49):
just not having to make a plan rocking up onto the street and
the kids are playing. So that is that's a big one.
But the quality of relationshipsoutside of your home, where are
you feel in community and that could be in work as well.
So that brings us to #8 on the Figure 8 alignment tool.
And that is fulfillment in my work.
(24:11):
This is a hard one. And this is of course very much
related to the work that I do asa career coach for parents.
But the question to can be asking yourself here are am I
being challenged? Am I valued?
Do I feel alignment in my careerand ambition and how it aligns
in the bigger puzzle of the restof this Figure 8, which my
(24:34):
family with my clarity, with my enjoyment ease, like all the
different aspects that we just talked about.
And it doesn't mean loving everymoment of your job.
It just means asking, is this the path that is supporting a,
you know, the life that I want? Am I growing?
That's a big one. I hear from people.
Am I do I feel seen? Do I feel heard?
(24:56):
Do I feel understood? Are you doing work that reflects
who you actually are or are you just checking the box?
I had a an intercall with somebody today and, you know,
she was saying, wow, I just don't know.
It's funny to think about how I got here.
You know, it was just kind of one of those maybe I should do
this job. And now she's in the job.
She's been in the job for a longtime.
(25:16):
And that happens to so many of us.
We just were checking boxes. OK, I should, maybe I should go
to university, college, whatever.
Check. OK.
I was really good at stuff at maths.
I'm going to go into something, you know, related to that check.
I'm in finance. Boom.
And all of a sudden you're, you know, the manager of a hedge
fund. You're like, wait, how did I get
here? And maybe it was through a bunch
of box checking. And that's OK, That's part of
(25:37):
your story. There's no looking back.
There's no regrets. But what you can do about it
now, does it still fit? Are you still aligned or you
passionate about it? And if not, and if it feels
misaligned, then that's an area that you can start to look at
the bigger picture of the rest of the Figure 8 and think, OK,
what am I going to do about this?
To do other things in the in theFigure 8 have to change or is
(25:58):
this the thing that I want to change?
So there you have it. There is the Figure 8 alignment
tool. I hope that you are taking a lot
away from that. If you would like to learn more
about this and if you want to just look at this as you know
written down, I will have it in the show notes.
Show notes on this podcast are blog posts so kind of confusing
(26:21):
when you go into the podcast app, that's the description of
the episode. You can click in there and click
show notes here. And when you take, when you take
that link into the interwebs, then what you will and is a blog
post on my website where I put all the notes for all the shows
because I don't want you to haveto take notes because you're
probably cooking dinner, you're probably walking or driving
somewhere. So head to the show notes on my
(26:44):
website, on the blog to kind of get a recap of this episode.
And I will see you again next week.
Thank you so much for listening.And since you made it this far,
please share this episode with afellow parent who you love,
respect, and want to support. And while you're at it, hit me
up on Instagram at All Figured Out.
(27:05):
Andrea, I would love to meet youand hear what you are trying to
figure out these days.
You're listening to the All Figured Out podcast.
I'm your host, Andrea Barr. I'm a career coach for parents,
mom of two, and a self-proclaimed expert at
winging it. After 10 years in the corporate
world, two major career pivots, and navigating life with kids,
I've learned one thing. No parent has it all figured
out, and that's OK. Here, we're all about growing
(00:25):
personally and professionally while keeping family time
sacred. You'll get practical tips,
career strategies and musings onlife, plus guest experts to help
us fill in the gaps. So grab a coffee or hide in your
car for some knee time. We're about to figure out this
worked life and parenting stuff out together.
(00:45):
Welcome back to the All Figured Out podcast.
My name is Andrea Barr. I am your host.
And today we have a solo episode, one of the first solo
episodes I've done in a long time.
I didn't actually look up when the last one was.
They did, but it feels exciting,kind of weird to be back on the
mic, just me, my voice and I I have so much respect for the
(01:10):
hosts who do this as their full time show.
It is, yeah. It's kind of strange.
It's nerve wracking to talk to yourself, to talk into a mic,
into the ears of whoever is listening.
But it is. Yeah.
It's fun to do this. I personally like listening to
solo episodes and hearing the hosts of the shows that I love.
So you know what, we're trying something out.
(01:31):
So if you enjoy this format, if you're digging this, just send
me a message, let me know what you think, what kind of segments
you'd want to hear about, what kind of topics.
Let's make this together, shall we?
So a little update on the personal front.
We are, it is the end of June already.
It is the summer solstice tomorrow.
(01:53):
Today at the time of recording is June 19th.
And it's it's a weird one. I remember having a conversation
with my girlfriend Joe a couple years ago and we were talking
about the feeling of the summer solstice or the winter solstice
coming up and how it really evokes like big feels for some
of us. I remember I think she was
saying her mom kind of gets thisas well.
(02:15):
And I am such a winter solstice person.
Hell, I even did like an episodeon the winter solstice with
Chantelle Russell as one of my very first episodes because it's
like one of my favorite days of the year.
You're everything is just on theapp.
As someone who values like growth and forward movement and
newness and change and all that,I, yeah, I just love the winter
(02:39):
solstice because it means that the days are about to get
lighter. And coming upon the summer
solstice is such, I find it's a weird one because tomorrow is
going to be the longest day of the year, which is so cool,
something to celebrate. And at the same time, it means
that the days will only be getting shorter, which makes me
(03:01):
feel kind of weird. And I don't know if you relate
to this, let me know. I yeah, I've got feelings about
it. But then again, we still have
the whole summer ahead of us. So that's, I think the weird
part as well is that we've got the summer to look forward to.
We've got beautiful weather ahead.
It's already getting beautiful here in Vancouver.
And, and yeah, so it's a, it's astrange one, but you know what?
(03:24):
Cycle seasons, they're all good,right?
They're all good. It's important to remember that
it's good to kind of get the hype of summer.
It's good to have the coziness of the fall and the winter.
Can't even believe I'm saying the words fall and winter.
So I don't know. Let me know.
Let me know if you agree with this.
We are in one of our final yearsas a family of not entering the
(03:49):
summer as this, like, pivotal change for our family dynamic.
I've been having conversations with, you know, new clients or
people have been meeting throughthe podcast this week and
they're like, oh, so, you know, do you have kids in school?
They're going to be off school soon.
And I'm like, no. And someone said today said
like, oh, so like status quo. I was like, yeah, status quo.
(04:09):
And I also have big feelings about that.
I think I've just summoned a bigfeeling face today.
I've got kind of feelings about the fact that damn got
kindergarten coming in a year. So we're not my daughter.
My older daughter is not going to be going to school in
September. She's going to school in the
following year because here in BC they start at 5:00.
(04:30):
And so we've got kind of one more year of this like Footloose
and fancy free. And the feeling I have about
this is that it's like the year before you decide to start
trying to have children. That's how I feel right now
where we're like, we can travel whenever we want.
There's no pulling kids out of school.
(04:51):
There's no like thinking about the schedule and what I've
shared this fear with moms in mylife who are have come before
me, who are ahead of me by a couple of years.
They're like even teachers. I've got friends who are
teachers. Like it doesn't matter.
My girlfriend Sarah, she was saying she's a teacher and she's
like, it doesn't like you can't fail kids for keeping them out
(05:12):
of school. If you my girlfriend Sarah was
saying, you know, don't worry, like it's not like they're your
kids are going to fail if you take them out of school.
So that did make me feel better.Like if you were to take your
kids out of school for a couple weeks to go on a vacation, it's
not the end of the world, but still, it feels like this thing.
And so that's where I'm at this week, the solstice things, the
(05:36):
one more year school things likeI'm just feeling in my feels.
And I've got a a counseling session coming up soon to maybe
I'll talk about all these big fields.
And yeah. So for today's show, I want to
get into something that's that'squite quite present, quite on
the mind for myself. Of course, as always, I am a
(05:57):
working parent just like you, but also a lot of clients that
I'm working with right now. So I want to talk to you just
about that thing that doesn't always have a word when
something feels off or someone feels stuck or like, you know,
often that feeling of stickinessor, or whatever it is comes with
(06:20):
more of a noise than a word. That's what I've noticed.
And for me as well, if I'm trying to describe to my husband
how I'm feeling about something,oftentimes when it's this
particular feeling, it's like a noise that I make, like versus
word and eloquent word. And it's something that just
(06:40):
like I said, it's a sense that something's off.
That you're doing all the things, the work, the school
drop offs, the bedtime routines,career moves, self-care when you
can fit it in because you're doing your calendar planning on
Sundays. But something just still doesn't
feel right. And you might be from the
outside looking like you've got your shit together, like you've
(07:03):
got it all figured out. But on the inside, you feel
maybe a bit scattered. Some of the symptoms could be
feeling like you're stretched thin, you're disconnected from,
you know, people in your life, or you feel like you're
disconnected from yourself. And you're kind of in that
moment where you're like, OK, I didn't know who I was.
It's not like I've never not known who I was.
But in this moment, it's like, Idon't know who I am right now.
(07:25):
And that is what I call misalignment, Misalignment for
parents. It doesn't always have to be
this big dramatic thing. Like it doesn't have to be that
thing that you're like, whoa, you need counseling for that.
You probably do, but you don't. It's not this like this is a
really big emergency for the ER type thing, right?
Like it's like this niggle, likethis little stump, it's the
(07:47):
noise, it's the and a few ways again, it can show up is like
you're exhausted, even though you are technically resting.
You're going to yoga once a week.
You have date nights. Like you've got the things in
place or your second guessing your choices all the time.
Like you make a decision, you and your partner, like Kate,
this is the decision. This is the school you want to
send our kids to. But then you're like kind of
(08:09):
second guessing things or you feel like you're two different
people, one at work, one at home, or you're feeling like
you're really busy. Like I'm, I'm busy doing all the
things on the outside. It looks like I've got a really
cool, really inspiring, really fun job.
I have a beautiful family. But why am I not feeling that
huge sense of fulfillment that Ifeel like I should feel?
(08:32):
And you're just living in response mode every day, all
day. And you're just constantly
feeling like you're putting out fires instead of, you know,
moving forward with like clarity, purpose and alignment.
So that is often what I see as the biggest call for shift or
change. Something's gotta change because
there's some kind of misalignment now.
(08:55):
I feel like I'd be remiss if I didn't talk about the fact that
alignment is in a state in whichwe we stay in 24/7.
But I really do believe, and I've felt this in my own life,
that you can be in alignment in most areas most of the time.
Like maybe we can do an 8020 a Pareto's principle here and be
(09:18):
like, you should feel alignment with the different areas and
different phases and different sectors of your life most of the
time. But if everything feels like at
the outset of the week, it's already misaligned, like your
self-care is already conflictingwith your work, which is already
conflicting with your parenting,Then yeah, you've got we've got
a problem or not a problem. We've got an opportunity to find
(09:41):
and refind alignment. And if you're watching this on
YouTube, you're watching me takemy fingers and kind of fit them
in like puzzle pieces. And so why does this happen?
Well, of course we know that, you know, modern parenting can
be a lot like a lot of us, like I always say, have been
extremely ambitious, really highperforming individuals in our
past lives and in our careers that we've worked really hard to
(10:03):
build. And we become parents and we're
so proud of that phase. But it feels like we're two
different people. We're living in two different
worlds and we have really big goals, not just at work, not
just with parenting, but in our relationships, with our health,
with our creative dreams. You might be one of those people
that's got a notes app on your phone with all of the inventions
or all the companies and all thethings you want to start.
(10:25):
And it's so hard to not sit in survival mode.
I've had therapists before who have shared with me your
counselors or different, you know, thinkers who have said,
you know, our, our brain and ourbody really can't tell the
difference between types of stress.
So it also like I am a really excitable person.
I get so excited by a lot of things.
I've always been that kid that like has something to look
(10:47):
forward to. And that's what I go to sleep at
night thinking about because I love to fall asleep with a happy
thought. Like I'm very excitable.
I love looking forward. I'm a very forward looker as
well. However, when we're doing a lot
of things and we're doing a lot of things that excite us, like
for me it would be like podcasting when I did my day, my
couple days like in person doingpodcast recordings with guests
(11:08):
like that lit me up. However, our body doesn't
recognize the difference betweenactual stress bear coming at you
or excitable stress. Like it's still kind of can be a
form of stress, even if providesfulfillment.
And so unfortunately, no one teaches us in school how to
recalibrate when life is throwing excitement and
(11:30):
stressors and just everyday things.
And then again, you become a parent and everything changes
once again. Your energy changes, your
identity changes, your body changes, your priorities change,
your relationships change. And if you don't pause to
reflect and really realign and really look at what might be
misaligned and how can you mayberealign, then you end up losing
(11:52):
yourself in the process. And you're kind of walking
through life just saying, well, it's a vase.
And you know, we'll just, we'll see, see you in 18 years, which
is just no way to live. And I don't want you to live
that way. So I in my work for the past
seven years as a coach, I have noticed and working with
hundreds of high performing professionals, I have noticed a
(12:14):
lot of trends. Like there is, you know, we all
kind of it's, it's to say no twopeople have the same story
history, of course, but there's a lot of really repeatable
patterns and I do them myself. I'm not above this.
And what I've realized, especially since working with
parents and really niching down into that space and supporting
parents, moms, dads, caregivers,is there are 8 very defined
(12:36):
spaces in which a person can feel aligned or misaligned.
And they make up what I call theFigure 8 alignment tool.
And it is a tool where you can think of a Figure 8 because it
is never ending. It is never.
It's not something that you fillup the cup in each of these
eight areas and boom, you're good to go.
But really what it is, is it's an Infinity.
It's a process of constantly moving through phases and tools
(12:58):
and tips and tricks to continue to fill up and find alignment
between these eight areas, these8 aspects of your life that I'll
walk you through. This is not a productivity hack.
This isn't a system for trying to fit more into your day
because to be honest, you probably need to like remove
some stuff from your day. We all do.
But what this is instead is it'sa tool.
It's an alignment tool to have you check in with yourself and
(13:23):
to find ways that some of those puzzle pieces aren't quite
fitting and to, you know, rejig them a little bit so that you
can put them in place. So this tool walks you through
the eight key areas of your personal and professional life.
It gives you a way to reflect onwhat's working, what's feeling
off, where you need more attention, energy, support.
And it's not going to add to your To Do List.
If anything, it's just going to highlight the areas of where you
(13:45):
could be spending your energy first.
So without further ado, let's get into it.
So section one, I've kind of also split it up into two areas.
So if you picture a Figure 8, ifyou picture an Infinity symbol,
there's two sides to that. So side #1 would be the personal
loop. You always got to start with
yourself. We know oxygen mask person
(14:05):
before the baby, all that. We know that.
And so number one of the Figure 8 alignment tool is energy in my
body. So this is the perfect place to
start. This is physical, it's visceral.
It's like you can touch yourself.
Do I have a scrap or scrape? Do I have a headache?
Like what does my body doing? Do I have, you know, scaly skin
that needs to be addressed? Do I feel rested, nourished
(14:26):
physically? Well, this is the baseline is of
course where it all starts. We're talking things like sleep,
hydration, food that fuels us and really checking in to see
where we at and how is my body feeling.
And this, I've got to say, this is one of those ones where it's,
it's like, do you have outstanding doctor's
appointments? Like these are some of the, I
know these are annoying things, but your physical health is of
(14:48):
course paramount. Without the physical body, the
mind camp thrive. We're not around.
We're not human beings on earth without the physical form.
So we got to take care of it #2 is clarity in my mind and
spirit. This is one that when I started
coaching and I, you know, would be taking people through kind of
like mind, body, spirit, that type of stuff.
(15:11):
I wouldn't have phrased it like this before, but this is
something that's really come outwith working with parents
especially. It's clarity in my mind and
clarity in my spirit. Do I feel like I have a
groundedness about me? Do I feel focused?
I feel emotionally clear and available to be with other
people. And from a spirit perspective,
insert whatever word you want, whether that's God, you know,
(15:33):
religion, spirituality. But do you feel like there's
just the sense of flow and ease as it relates to how you connect
to something bigger than yourself?
And there's a lot in this one that like in the physical world,
not just conceptually. Like this is these are the
mental todos. I was on a podcast recently with
my new friend Fiona Walsh on herLimitless podcast, and we were
(15:55):
talking about them, the mental load or the mother load.
And we were just talking about like, at its core, what it is,
is it's the To Do List items that you never actually write
down on a piece of paper. Sure, there's like the actual To
Do List, but it's a lot of stuffthat you're worrying about
thinking about that's really clogging up a lot of space in
your head. And so when there's misalignment
(16:15):
here, it can really show up as feeling foggy, feeling
scattered, like there's so much to think about, there's so much
to do. And I know this is a huge one,
especially for parents #3 is ownership of my time.
Do I feel control over how I spend my days?
This is, I'm probably going to say this about every single one
that I walk you through, but this is such a big one.
(16:38):
Do I feel ownership over my time?
And who and how am I giving my time?
Who am I giving my time to and how am I giving it?
Am I letting people take it? Am I not creating boundaries so
that my time is in control, likeI am in control of my time?
I am the owner of my time. These are these are the most
important things to think about and ask yourself.
(16:58):
Are you the one setting the paceof your life?
If you feel like things are verygo, go, go, go, go.
Oh my goodness, you've got all these activities after school
things. What do you have control over in
that? I know that you want to, you
know, please your family and your kids and they're excited
about all these supports, but isit working?
Is the system and like where you're the one driving them, is
that working? Do you have control over your
time? Are you giving it or are you
(17:19):
letting people take it? Or is it just not even a thing?
It's just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving.
And it's, you're not even thinking about it.
And so as I say that this is about time freedom, It's it's
not about time management, it's about really deciding how you
want to have a relationship withtime and not just managing it.
(17:42):
You know, first, like, I know this sounds a little woo woo and
silly, but, but really it's, it's time freedom over time
management. It's not putting building blocks
in your calendar that is so important, but that comes after.
It's like, really it's healing your relationship with time so
that you can then say to yourself, it's my time, It's my
choice. This is my life and how do I
want to spend it? How is my timer reflection of my
(18:05):
values? OK #4 is the last one of the
first side of the Figure 8? And it is moments of joy and
expression. So I think this is such a fun
one because I actually did a podcast episode on hobbies way
back when as well. I'll put all of these in the
show notes. But the hobbies episode was
really sparked because I was talking to a lot of clients at
(18:25):
that point in time and I still do who were saying I don't know
what my hobbies and interests are anymore.
I used to do pottery, but a pottery class is like 3 to 4
hours. And to be honest, like I'm
pretty tired by 8:00 PM so I don't want to stay out at
pottery till 9. Or, you know, we used to do like
Iron Man's, but I, I just don't have that drive anymore.
(18:46):
Like I, I want to stay active and I want it, but I don't want
to commit that time. And I just, I think I should
pause to say that that is OK. Like you're allowed to change
what your hobbies and interests are.
You're allowed to change how youcreate and build joint
expression in your life. So some of the questions you can
ask yourself here to see like amI in alignment with moments of
joy and expression? You could ask yourself, am I
(19:08):
laughing? Am I playing, am I creating?
Am I expressing myself regularly?
And this is something that I used to do when we were younger,
my mom would sometimes say like,go go do a craft or something,
Go do something with your hands.Because, and I heard a quote
recently that was something to the effect of like when your
mind is busy, get your hands busy.
I think it was Reese Witherspoonsaying that's what her, you
(19:29):
know, grandma said. And it's so true.
Like your joy and your creativity, they're not, it's
not luxury. It's kind of like for a lot of
people who say like working out and moving your body and your
physical health, it's paramount.And same with your joint
expression. If you're not having fun and
creating joy in your life, what's it all about?
And the relational and professional loop, So your
connections and contribution #5 connection with my kids, I
(19:54):
separated this one out from justfamily in general because
there's definitely a different type of relationship, obviously
between your, you know, your relationship that you have
outside of the home relationshipyou have with a partner
relationship. You have three kids.
And so I've started noticing that in sessions, there might be
alignment in some areas, like feeling really attuned, really
connected with your kids. And maybe there's some
(20:15):
misalignment with your partnership or vice versa.
And so are we attuned? Are we present?
Are we enjoying one another? Is there some of the questions
you can ask in this regard? And it's not about being a
perfect parent by any means. It's just about being with them.
And as you can probably start tosee in this figure out alignment
tool, Figure 8 alignment tool, everything is connected.
(20:37):
So if you're feeling like you have a lack of ownership over
your time and we're going to pull in work soon, do you feel
like that there's a lack of enjoyment or you're just giving
it all at work and there's nothing left?
This is this is how we start to see misalignments happening.
And so it's not always necessarily fixing the
connection with your kids by making the conditions around
this Figure 8 so that you can have and be more present and
(21:01):
show up more like the person that you are and the person that
you want to be for your children.
Number six is closeness in my relationship at home.
So this is with a partner, but Iuse in the home because perhaps
you live with your parents or you have a roommate or something
like that. So you know, whatever
partnership looks like for you and do you feel seen?
(21:23):
Do you feel supported? And do you feel connected to to
your partnership and your partnership?
And this could also be if it's abusiness partner, but it's
really important to really evaluate this one as a separate
entity, like I said, and #7 is quality of relationships outside
of your home. So this is, am I maintaining
meaningful friendships and community?
(21:44):
We know through a lot of research that's coming out
around longevity, the Blue Zones, the Centurions,
Centurions, I think that's what they're called, the people live
to be 100 plus. It's, it's all about community.
I mean, it's yes, it's about putting decent food in your
body, getting sleeping water andall that like that.
(22:04):
Those are table stakes for sure.But they're really noticing that
it is community based tribes andgroups of people who are living
the longest because they have connection.
So this is friendships. These are people who might be in
your neighborhood. These could be family members,
your chosen family, whatever it is, whatever that means to you.
(22:26):
And are you reaching out? Are you reaching, being reached
out too? Are you feeling part of
something bigger? This is all really, really hard
one, It's a really tricky one when your kids are young.
I, I'm finding it, I live away from a lot of friends and family
and it's definitely, it's a hardone for me because at the end of
the day, when I'm super tired and I'm trying to give, you
(22:47):
know, be present with my kids, be present with my partner to
hear about his day and what's going on for him and, and build
that relationship and stoke thatrelationship, if you will.
And then I'm coaching all day orI'm doing podcasts.
Like, I personally find this oneto be really challenging because
it's like another, you know, it's another expenditure of
(23:08):
information and I get a lot fromit.
And I find that sometimes I justneed quiet, you know, I don't
want to talk about me myself. So I end up, you know, getting
on calls and I'm just peppering the person with questions And I
realize I'm not building their closest to me because I'm not
the one who's necessarily, you know, rehashing what's going on
(23:28):
for me, because I feel like I'vejust been living it.
I've been doing it and and it takes a lot of energy.
So it's a hard one. And it's a hard one when you're
not necessarily living in the same neighborhood.
I find we connect a lot and we're spend a lot of time with
the people who are truly just down the street from us because
they're a they're wonderful people And there's just ease and
(23:49):
just not having to make a plan rocking up onto the street and
the kids are playing. So that is that's a big one.
But the quality of relationshipsoutside of your home, where are
you feel in community and that could be in work as well.
So that brings us to #8 on the Figure 8 alignment tool.
And that is fulfillment in my work.
(24:11):
This is a hard one. And this is of course very much
related to the work that I do asa career coach for parents.
But the question to can be asking yourself here are am I
being challenged? Am I valued?
Do I feel alignment in my careerand ambition and how it aligns
in the bigger puzzle of the restof this Figure 8, which my
(24:34):
family with my clarity, with my enjoyment ease, like all the
different aspects that we just talked about.
And it doesn't mean loving everymoment of your job.
It just means asking, is this the path that is supporting a,
you know, the life that I want? Am I growing?
That's a big one. I hear from people.
Am I do I feel seen? Do I feel heard?
(24:56):
Do I feel understood? Are you doing work that reflects
who you actually are or are you just checking the box?
I had a an intercall with somebody today and, you know,
she was saying, wow, I just don't know.
It's funny to think about how I got here.
You know, it was just kind of one of those maybe I should do
this job. And now she's in the job.
She's been in the job for a longtime.
(25:16):
And that happens to so many of us.
We just were checking boxes. OK, I should, maybe I should go
to university, college, whatever.
Check. OK.
I was really good at stuff at maths.
I'm going to go into something, you know, related to that check.
I'm in finance. Boom.
And all of a sudden you're, you know, the manager of a hedge
fund. You're like, wait, how did I get
here? And maybe it was through a bunch
of box checking. And that's OK, That's part of
(25:37):
your story. There's no looking back.
There's no regrets. But what you can do about it
now, does it still fit? Are you still aligned or you
passionate about it? And if not, and if it feels
misaligned, then that's an area that you can start to look at
the bigger picture of the rest of the Figure 8 and think, OK,
what am I going to do about this?
To do other things in the in theFigure 8 have to change or is
(25:58):
this the thing that I want to change?
So there you have it. There is the Figure 8 alignment
tool. I hope that you are taking a lot
away from that. If you would like to learn more
about this and if you want to just look at this as you know
written down, I will have it in the show notes.
Show notes on this podcast are blog posts so kind of confusing
(26:21):
when you go into the podcast app, that's the description of
the episode. You can click in there and click
show notes here. And when you take, when you take
that link into the interwebs, then what you will and is a blog
post on my website where I put all the notes for all the shows
because I don't want you to haveto take notes because you're
probably cooking dinner, you're probably walking or driving
somewhere. So head to the show notes on my
(26:44):
website, on the blog to kind of get a recap of this episode.
And I will see you again next week.
Thank you so much for listening.And since you made it this far,
please share this episode with afellow parent who you love,
respect, and want to support. And while you're at it, hit me
up on Instagram at All Figured Out.
(27:05):
Andrea, I would love to meet youand hear what you are trying to
figure out these days.
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