God is calling us back

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, you guys, welcome back to the Amani Talks podcast.
You're here on the podcast where we talk about our
relationship with God and deepening our relationship with Him. Right,
we have all the Bible based topics. And I told
you guys, I'm gonna have some amazing guests. Okay. So
a guest I have is a friend of mine. She
is another Christian content creator, an amazing baker. Okay, you

(00:22):
guys have to follow her. She makes the most like
the things that she makes, I'm like, please bring me some, okay.
But also a fellow sister in Christ. So I have
my good friend Shack on the podcast with us today. Hey, y'all, Hey,
how are you doing? She has gone y'all don't even
understand what Shaq has gone through to be on today's episode.
So I thank you so much for still making it.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
Yes, thank god, thank God.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
No, seriously, Shaq and I you're both from upstate New York,
literally like an hour away from each other. Yeah, and
she's just coming back from upstates, snow and all, y'all
to come back to Atlanta. So we're happy to have
you here. I'm so glad to be here. Definitely excited
to be here. Yeah, so tell us a little bit
about you and what you do.

Speaker 3 (01:07):
Yes, So I'm actually a brand strategist, but God is
actually in the middle of transitioning me into more so
focusing on content creation, but doing that through ministry. So
it's a little bit of cooking, a little bit of
talking about God, talking about you know, how we could
just become more better at being in community such as

(01:28):
in christ and giving back. So those are kind of
the things that I'm working on right now.

Speaker 1 (01:33):
Definitely, I love the variation with the Christian content creators,
Like your thing is cooking and baking and you still
talk about God, and my thing is a little bit
more like relationships and stuff like that. Like there's a
place and I tell people this all the time, like
there's a place for whatever you are good at in
the Kingdom, you know, because we all can't talk about
the same things like we eat, we got to have
a little bit of, you know, a variety. So yeah,

(01:55):
I love that definitely. So one thing I have learned
about Shaq and this I asked her to come on
the episode. We have so much in common. Yeah, first
of all, we just met a few months ago via
an event I visited you know, your Bible study a
couple of times, and we're the same age, both from
upstate New York. Y'all. We lived like five minutes away

(02:17):
from each other, like literally, like around the corner. No, seriously,
I just feel like we're just in such similar seasons
of life. And one thing that we recently connected on
that I was actually surprised about was, you know, for Thanksgiving,
I was telling Shaq how I flew one of my
sisters in for Thanksgiving. I hadn't seen her since she
was a baby, y'all. She was she's fourteen now, hadn't

(02:40):
seen her since since she was a baby, and I
was bringing her in for Thanksgiving to meet our father's
side of the family because our father's side had never
met her. And my father has a lot of kids
and I'm the only one besides my sisters so far
that they've met. And Shaq was telling me a little
bit about, you know, a similar situation in her family,

(03:00):
and I was like, we have to come on and
talk about this because I know this conversation is going
to be so edifying for a lot of women in
christ and I but specifically for our community. Yes, yeah,
So I just want you to talk a little bit
about like your family dynamic, like your siblings, your parents.

Speaker 3 (03:15):
Okay, yeah, so my when growing up, so I have
a father and someone who I called my stepdad him
my mom weren't technically married, but you know that was
just the thing. And both of my father and stepdad
were in and out of prison just growing up. And
so on my father's side, my biological father, he has

(03:37):
two other daughters, and my stepdad's side there I have
four other no, three other siblings, so six of us
on one side and three of us on another. And
so I grew up in not really a stable household
between you know, my father being in prison most of

(03:57):
my life and then my stepdad he was in and
out between prison and my mom just back and forth
in and out of their relationship. And yeah, that was
pretty much my family dynamic growing up. So I wouldn't
I wouldn't stay. I grew up in like in a
stable household. Okay, and just you know, trying to figure
it out. Yeah you know what that actually looks like
still to this day.

Speaker 1 (04:17):
Yeah, and where do you fall in your siblings? You're
the oldest, right.

Speaker 3 (04:21):
So on my mother's side, I'm the oldest, and my
stepdad's side, I'm the second oldest.

Speaker 1 (04:25):
Okay, yeah, so you rank pretty kind of high. Yeah,
with the whole thing, I feel like just.

Speaker 2 (04:29):
The oldest daughter honestly.

Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah. The eldest daughter is such a position, you guys.
It's something that I think we are just starting to
have more and more conversations about because another similarity with
Shaq and I being from upstate New York and then
coming to Atlanta. I think that that's a very common
life kind of transition for the eldest daughter specifically because

(04:52):
of the different things that goes on when you're an
eldest daughter in your house, especially when you don't come
from a staple household or maybe a blended family like
mine was with both of my parents mirroring other people.
There's a lot that falls on your shoulders. And I
recently did an episode about you know, healing eldest daughter wounds.

Speaker 2 (05:11):
I love that one.

Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, yeah, so I definitely want to dive into that
because I think in our communities specifically, and I don't
know why this is, but I talked a little bit
about this on the episode, about how when your position
is high in your family and the lord has called
you to something great comes so much opposition, not just
from the enemy, but just from the world. Yes, yeah,

(05:33):
And I think we both talked a little bit about
why we left Upstate and why we left our families
too come to Atlanta. So talk a little bit about that.
How was that for you?

Speaker 3 (05:41):
Yeah, so that was I remember when I wanted to move,
I always said like, oh, I got to get out
of this small town.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
You know, there's not much for me here.

Speaker 3 (05:49):
But in all reality, I ended up learning Now it's
like I was really running away, Like I felt like
I could not heal as a person or just live
the way I wanted to and you know, have a
new family the way I wanted to if I was
still in that town and still in that same environment,
like it it madified moved out of my mother's household,

(06:10):
like it was everything was just still there. And so
when I moved, the first thing I did was like, Okay,
let me find a therapist, like I'm going to learn
how to heal. And I start telling my family like, yeah,
I just need some space. I gotta separate, I gotta
draw all these boundaries. And this was my own way.
This was before I allowed God to intervene. But I
felt like, you know, I needed to get away in

(06:32):
order to heal, like I could not heal right there.
But God also knew that as well, he needed to
separate me. So yeah, when you know, moving away, I
was kind of trying to just figure out what can
I do to just become this better person, heal all
my you know, childhood trauma. And I had promised myself,
like I'll never start a family until.

Speaker 2 (06:50):
I heal myself.

Speaker 3 (06:51):
Yeah, and that started, and that was five years ago
when I started it, and there's still things I'm learning now.
But when I allowed God to intervene is when I
truly started healing. And yes, therapy did help, but you know,
it helped me understand a lot of things. But when
I allowed God to intervene, I began to actually heal
from those things. And healing looked like surrendering for me.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
Yeah, so what were you running away from?

Speaker 3 (07:16):
So I was running away from So okay, let me
rewind a little bit. Yeah, I'm from a small town
upstate New York called Schenectady five one eight area, and
you know, I kind of grew up in the hood
and in that area, there was a lot of things
that was normalized, like you know, using you know, my
mother and my stepdad's dynamic where it's like I call

(07:38):
my stepdad but they're not married. It was just like,
oh you wifey, like that was a thing. And it
was all these different worldly, you know, ways and dynamics
where I just, you know, I felt like those were
all the norms there, and I wanted to get away
from those things that everybody else considered like this is normal,
you know, dealing with certain type of men. Both my

(08:00):
my stepdad, they were in out of prison, you know,
because of the you know, the type of lifestyle they lived,
and those were all the norms. I'm like, I gotta
get away from this, like there's no way that this
is what I'm going to see for the rest of
my life. Like I got to get into a new town,
new environment. I've always been an entrepreneur, so I knew
that there was, you know, something here for me in Atlanta,

(08:20):
but also something outside of the norms of what I
grew up in because I felt very shielded there in
that town.

Speaker 1 (08:27):
Yeah, and one thing I talked about, when it comes
to eldest daughters, we do tend to be the ones
that leave the family just through things like just like
you said, maybe limited opportunities where you are from trying
to break cycles, broken homes. I know for a lot
of eldest daughters, similarity is that maybe you were parensified,
Maybe you were the one the in house babysitter. Maybe

(08:51):
you know a lot of things were restricted for you,
especially with you being a girl, and they're more strict
on the girls and the boys. You know, a lot
of things surrounding why we tend to end up being
the ones that leave our families because you know, I
was the only one that did. All my other siblings
kind of tended to stay with their parents. I have
two brothers that are in the military, so they're kind

(09:11):
of all over. But yeah, for the most part, I'm
just kind of like I was the only one that
really needed to move away. But it's because the dynamic
is so different when you're the eldest. And I love
that you talked about the Lord kind of giving you
grace to be like, no, I do need to remove
you in order to, you know, make so that you
don't repeat the cycles. It reminds me of like Abraham,

(09:32):
how he was called away from his family and the
Lord is like, leave your family and pretty much everything
that you know, I'm gonna put you in a whole
new land he had never heard of. He's speaking to
a god that he most likely was not in communication
with before because we know that his family were like polytheistic.
I think, you know, like they weren't worshiping Y'ahwegh. So
you know, I think about that and how the Lord

(09:52):
sometimes does have to change your location to change your reality.
So do you think that the change actually was beneficial
for you?

Speaker 3 (10:00):
Definitely when you just talk about that, I actually just
thought of Jonah too, because I had a moment where
I had went back because I owned an a beauty
bar upstate and I had to go back there cause
I need to make some changes to the office. So
I was there, made for like three months, ended up
getting into like a little situation again it's like before Christ,
and while I was there, it was just messy. And

(10:21):
I thought of Jonah when you just said that, because
when I got there, like him getting swallowed in the whale,
like even though I didn't commit my life to Crist yet,
like something was telling me, I know that was nothing
but the Holy Spirit, like exact you got to get
back like you can't. I got a little comfortable there
for those three thing was there for like three four
months when I had to fix up my shop, Yeah,
and like something was just pulling, like you have to

(10:43):
get back.

Speaker 2 (10:44):
I didn't even find my apartment yet. I tell you.

Speaker 3 (10:46):
I was like, let me just get back to Atlanta
and literally, like that's what you said, Like I knew
I needed to be here, but there's no way I
would have been able to hear from those things in
that environment because soon as I got back, I got
suck the right back in.

Speaker 1 (11:00):
While Yeah, your environment really does so like it impacts
you so much. Yeah, it's like they say, like once
you leave, it's almost kind of dangerous to go back,
like physically, spiritually, mentally, everything. Yeah. So talk about your
relationship with your dad a little bit, because you told
us how he was kind of in and out of prison.
Your biological dad and your parents. Did you ever get

(11:23):
to see your biological parents together?

Speaker 3 (11:25):
No, so I've never seen so my mother and father
they were actually married while my mother was pregnant, but
they was in prison. So back in the day you
can have like decent prison weddings. So wow, yeah, wait,
my mom was in address.

Speaker 1 (11:37):
So your mom is pregnant with you and your dad's
in prison and they get married while he's in prison.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yes, yes, and how old was she? If you don't me,
I think my mom was twenty two?

Speaker 1 (11:49):
Okay, yes, so kind of young O. Yes.

Speaker 2 (11:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
And then so now I've never seen them together. My
father was in prison something that he was wrongly accused for,
and he ended up being able to getting it like overturned,
and he came home.

Speaker 2 (12:05):
When I think he had came home.

Speaker 3 (12:07):
Well, the first thing the situation happened, he came home,
I probably was like maybe like two three years old.
He went right back in jail, and that's when he
got wrongly quit it for something. And then he got out.
I was in my early twenties. Oh my god, hear
using it for a long time.

Speaker 1 (12:23):
So for the really your whole childhood. Yeah, you were
not really able to see your dad.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
Yees. So I actually I went to jail visits.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
Yeah, but he wasn't like they're like no, wow.

Speaker 2 (12:33):
Okay yep. So he came home and I had so much.

Speaker 3 (12:37):
Like resentment towards him. So I remember when he came home.
I think I waited till he came home. It's just
I could not connect with him, and like, I don't
remember exactly what we were arguing about, but I had
so much anger towards him. And I remember even telling
him like at this point, like I just want to
cut ties and I just want you to do for

(12:58):
my little sisters, because after he got home, he ended
up having two daughters, my two sisters. And I don't
tell him like, listen, I don't care what we have
going on, Like I don't even care.

Speaker 2 (13:07):
If we talk.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
Just do for them. If you could do anything for me,
just do for them. Yeah, And you know, I just
pretty much left it alone. And I would say the
same thing, like my stepfather was more my life than
my biological father because he was in the household.

Speaker 2 (13:20):
Yeah, and he's the one that.

Speaker 3 (13:22):
Pretty much I would say, like took care of me,
like financially and things like that. But we never really
had a solid relationship because being the eldest daughter, you know,
you see.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
A lot more, you understand, Yes.

Speaker 1 (13:35):
That's so unspoken about. Yes, yeah, the parents that we
got are not the parents that by far, the circumstances
not at all.

Speaker 3 (13:46):
So everything when things were going on with him, my
mom all of those things I felt like fell back
on me. And I'm not saying they necessarily did, because
I gave my mom grace, but like that's how I
felt felt like a lot of responsibilities fell on me.
Where So okay, every time, you know, things are going
on between them, regardless if he's not in the household

(14:06):
or he's in prison, I'm in house, baby, Yeah, I'm parent.
I'm figuring all the things out and being there for
my mom. Yeah, so that held. I had a lot
of resentment towards him. Between that and just the things
that they were going through, it put a lot on
me as a child. Yeah, I still remember things I've

(14:26):
had to help my mom with. I'm like seven years old. Yeah,
and I'm playing you know, second mom. Yeah yeah, So yeah,
that that was a lot on me as a child.

Speaker 1 (14:35):
Yeah, definitely, resentment eats you up so bad, I think
for me because our stories are somewhat similar, definitely, you know,
like I had my biological dad and my step dad,
and I grew up with both. But I think our
stories are a little bit of reverse because in a way,
you didn't really have your biological dad and I had

(14:56):
mine growing up. But now you talk to your biological
dad a lot more, right or is it kind of?

Speaker 3 (15:02):
Yeah, so I talked to him, but not you know,
like your typical father daughter.

Speaker 2 (15:07):
Relationship with checking here and there.

Speaker 3 (15:08):
Yeah, but we don't have like any issues, Okay, I say.

Speaker 1 (15:12):
Yeah, yeah, And that's kind of the opposite for me
because it's like I grew up with my dad, like okay, whatever,
my mom and my stepdad were the primary parents. But
now I don't talk to my dad at all. Wow. Yeah,
like we don't have a relationship at all. So I
think for us, it's kind of like a little you know,
like the opposite. And for me, the resentment ate me
up so much when I left home. That's really why

(15:34):
I left home. I was so resentful of my parents
for I felt like being the eldest and of course
you're the guinea pig kid, right, So they are automatically things.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
With any parents, that's the one.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
Yeah, they're automatically things that you just have to be like,
they know any better. It's their first time living, their
first time being parents, you know. And my parents were
teenage parents. They were a lot younger than your parents.
So there was a lot that I just had to
forgive my parents for because they were young and just
learning and growing, right, But then there are also things
where it's just kind of like, well, you got older
and you were still doing this stuff. Oh yeah, you know.
So I left home because I was like, I cannot

(16:08):
take you here with y'all no more, like I need
to totally remove myself from the situation in order for
me to live the life that I finally want to live. Yeah,
you know, And I definitely want to talk about how
that transition was for you, because for me, what it
looks like specifically was me leaving the church too. Yeah,
so talk about that.

Speaker 2 (16:27):
Oh that's a good one. That's a really good one.
So two things.

Speaker 3 (16:30):
So definitely I agree where it's like you're the guinea
pig kid and you're just like, I'm over this.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
You guys are grown.

Speaker 3 (16:36):
Because there was things that you know, my parents were
still going through. I would say specifically my stepdad, my mom,
you know, just last year.

Speaker 2 (16:44):
Yeah, I'm thirty two years old.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Yeah, you know.

Speaker 3 (16:47):
And then as far as like the church is concerned,
so I grew up, I would just say, luke warm,
I was in the church.

Speaker 2 (16:53):
We was in the church. My mom did not play
that in the church.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
I was at Bible study, choir rehears so Sunday school
and church like that was a thing, all the youth things.
I was always there. But I remember growing up and
doing that. But once we got in the house, that
was holding a different situation like what's happening in a house?

Speaker 2 (17:14):
Stayed in a household?

Speaker 1 (17:15):
Oh yeah yeah, and only the oldest child knows the
ender workings of that.

Speaker 3 (17:21):
Yeah, So I didn't really understand, Like I just looked
at church as that's what we did on Sundays.

Speaker 2 (17:30):
That's how I looked.

Speaker 1 (17:30):
At it as because that's how your parents were living exactly.

Speaker 3 (17:34):
Yes, And so with that being said, it was just
more so as long as you lived in this house,
you gotta go to church.

Speaker 2 (17:41):
Once I had moved out, I stopped going to church
pretty much, Yeah, because I didn't have to go.

Speaker 3 (17:45):
And I'm not saying like I'll go here and there,
but like it wasn't I couldn't sider like, oh, that's
not my thing, you know, And I didn't really feel
I didn't feel right going to church either, because something
about it just felt like, all right, well, I'm going
to church. But I always remember the finger pointing growing up.
I remember things that people would say about my family

(18:05):
or certain people that couldn't come over to our house
because people knew about what was going on in my
family house. So when you grew up in a small town,
everybody knows what you got going on, you know. So
I didn't I didn't even feel right, like even going
to church because I knew like the type of life
that I still lived and what people would say. So
I felt on my own like just judged, like, nah,

(18:27):
it's like.

Speaker 2 (18:28):
What's the point of going there. I know it's my
life I'm living. Yeah, you know. So I just didn't
want to fake it.

Speaker 1 (18:32):
Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2 (18:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
So it was a situation to where you were already lukewarm.
So when you moved out, that was like I'm not
even thinking about that.

Speaker 2 (18:39):
I'm not even going there like for what.

Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah. Yeah, So talk about how it was when you
came back to Christ then or so, Okay, So was
it a situation to where you weren't saved before?

Speaker 3 (18:50):
So I would say I I had to be saved again.
I would say I need to be saved again because
I knew. Listen, I outside, I was in the world,
you know, all types of things, and I came to
a point where to make to try to like shorten
the story, I had lost everything.

Speaker 2 (19:10):
I had to close down my business.

Speaker 3 (19:11):
I went from making two hundred something thousand a year
to zero dollars within like a month and a half
when I closed down my business. And that's I thank
God for doing that because it.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
Needed to happen.

Speaker 3 (19:24):
And that happened and I went I was literally down
to my lowest.

Speaker 2 (19:28):
I had a move in with a friend.

Speaker 3 (19:30):
I was actually staying in the same building you live
in right now when that happened, and lost my car,
lost everything, and all of that actually drew me closer
to God because I'm like, I went from all right,
you know, trying, I went from trying New Age things.
I'm just like and it was unknowingly because it's new
Age is so deceiving where it's just looks so normal.

Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yes, it looks so light, it looks so normal.

Speaker 3 (19:56):
So you're just healing and you know, differ. Oh yeah, yeah,
I tried everything. So I'm like people, yeah all that.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
Yeah, So I'm just trying to meditation.

Speaker 3 (20:06):
I'm trying to just like, oh yeah, I'm trying to
find my inner self all these different things, trying to heal,
my mom warning me like and at the time I didn't.

Speaker 2 (20:15):
Really trust my mom because of the dynamic growing up.

Speaker 3 (20:18):
So it's just like, you know, you need to be
careful what you're doing, Like you know that's might be
witchcraft and all these different things, and that things got
very dark for me, very very It was darker than before.
So I was like, all right, if I could try
all these things, there's no reason why I can't try
you know, God going through Christ again, not this just
God that people talk about, but going through Jesus Christ,

(20:41):
you know, the Lord's Savior. Who can you know, be
able to get me back to where I was before
I got into.

Speaker 2 (20:48):
All these things.

Speaker 3 (20:49):
And literally, you know, just going back to church and
hearing the word and studying the word and just like, okay,
this is what God's word really says, not just go
in the church on Sunday and just you know, being there,
but I'm taking my notes, I'm being intentional, and that's
how I found him again.

Speaker 2 (21:10):
I got saved again. And you know it.

Speaker 3 (21:13):
Wasn't just like you know, I went to church on
Sunday and Monday I figured every single sin out that
I was doing.

Speaker 2 (21:19):
It was just the more I grow. The more I
grew in loving.

Speaker 3 (21:22):
Christ, the more I hated my sin and realized, Okay,
I have to live a new life.

Speaker 2 (21:29):
Because this is what it looks like to love God.

Speaker 1 (21:31):
And when it was this transition.

Speaker 3 (21:34):
I would say it's been I started the transition three
years ago, but I would say, like, I really cut
off all my lukewarm ways solid two years from now.

Speaker 1 (21:45):
Yes, yeah, that's like an identical time lines and vine
like seriously like and when I came back to Christ,
I it was like in the media, I'm not doing
what I was doing before. It was a very sharp change,
and people noticed and had their thoughts about it. It
is what it is. But and that's how you know
that you're really back into it when you're like, I

(22:06):
cannot do what I was doing before.

Speaker 2 (22:09):
I'm scared. Yeah, I fear the Lord. Yeah yeah, yeah,
I'm like I'm not going back.

Speaker 3 (22:15):
I remember, like when I said it my baptism and everything,
I'm like, I'm not playing with myself because when I
go down on this border, I'm not playing with.

Speaker 2 (22:24):
God, you know, Like I just I want this to be.
This is it for me. And it's not saying that
I'm not going to mess up or things.

Speaker 3 (22:30):
But I'm letting me intentional about not trying to, you know,
deal with any type of temptations, you know, or just
even attempting to allow anyone to bring me back into
the world.

Speaker 1 (22:40):
Yeah. So, do you think that when you moved away
from home and you said that, you know, looking back,
the Lord was really pulling you out of that space
into a new space. Talk about the other side of it,
because we all have our more personal or selfish reasons.
I think when we're the eldest and we move away
from home, I know I definitely did. Did any of

(23:00):
that have to do with the dynamic like with your
dad specifically, and like what you talked about, like the
resentment and like the anger. Were you trying to like
run away from the anger in that situation? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (23:12):
So I would say it was like both parents, I
would say, because there were so many different things, like
where I would say, Okay, these are our family rules,
where it's like, which are worldly rules, and neither the
way our family dynamics are and we forgive and you know,
we gotta just move on pretend things that happen.

Speaker 2 (23:31):
And I'm like, I just I can't do this.

Speaker 3 (23:33):
And it was affecting my everyday life mentally, Like every
time something's going on with the family, I'm getting a
call about X y Z.

Speaker 2 (23:40):
That's what happen when you're the eldest daughter.

Speaker 3 (23:42):
Everyone's always calling you, and I'm just like, I can't
take it no more. But I literally cannot take it.
And I felt like if I can move away, it
will be easier to separate myself and just to set boundaries.
It was too hard to set boundaries living in the
same town, like in a smaller and they.

Speaker 1 (23:59):
Knew that they can physically reach you.

Speaker 2 (24:01):
Yeah, like it's somebody into the phone. Someone's gonna come
and find me anyway. So and it's like I see
my family almost every single day.

Speaker 1 (24:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (24:08):
So, and it's just like you could not I could
not escape hearing something going on every day, no matter
if it was like the family dynamics or I would
just say again, I grew up kind of the hood
or the street dynamics. It's like I'm tired of both
of these things. Yeah, and those were my norms. So
I had to get away from it so I can

(24:30):
just you know, kind of start a new life.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
Okay, Yeah, I think it was a tad bit different
For me, I don't think that my family really like
depended on me, like they weren't always calling me and
you know stuff like that. I think the opposite actually
drove me away. For me, it was because I was
the oldest and therefore the most independent and the first
one to do everything, and I'm figuring things out on
my own, especially with having teenage parents. I kind of

(24:54):
felt like, well, if I already have to do everything
by myself, I might as well live by myself too,
Like what's the point of me being near my family
If financially I gotta do for myself, If emotionally I
have to do by my you know, Like I was like,
I'm already by myself, I might as well really move
away somewhere more fun than Syracuse, New York and actually
live a life that I want to live. So for me,
it was kind of like isolation. And I think that's

(25:17):
definitely something a tactic of the enemy is making us
believe that we are isolated from our families, yeah, or
that our families are too much, you know what I mean.
And I think that we move away to put that
physical distance because emotionally it makes us feel better. But
now I feel like. One thing that we also talked
about with both of us is that we've been seeing
like a call to go back home more often. Man,

(25:40):
because when I first left, I didn't go back home
for years. My mom was finally like, oh, it's enough.
She was like, you need to at least come home
for Christmas. And then I started going home, and begrudgingly
I went home for Christmas. I had other plans. I
was trying to be, you know, traveling, so begrudgingly I
would go home for Christmas. And then, you know, in
the past couple of years, I'm like, you know, Syracuse
say so, you know, like I would visit and really

(26:01):
enjoy the visit. But I'm telling you, like, there were
years I didn't go back home. There was you know,
weeks that my mom would call and I just wouldn't answer.
I'm like, haven't y'all had enough? You know, like leave.
I just wanted to be alone. So yeah, I think that,
you know, both dynamics really play a part in the
enemy kind of telling us lies about you need to

(26:22):
move away from me family because they're too much, or girl,
you're doing it all by yourself. Just keep doing it
by yourself and now me and you are being called
back and I want you to talk about that, Like,
do you feel like you've been called back home more often?

Speaker 2 (26:33):
Yeah, I definitely have.

Speaker 3 (26:34):
I agree with the like the isolation part too, where
it's like, all right, I left now, I don't want
to see y'all, Like I don't want to be bothered.
I went back home because of business stuff, yeah, but
not because it's just like I want to deal with
family stuff. And now, like I just recently came back home,
crazy traveling time.

Speaker 2 (26:53):
But when I was just home this time.

Speaker 3 (26:56):
I actually meet my mom, helped me, and I got
to my church feeling and helped me as well. Uh,
through I would say a word directly from God. He
wanted me to help feed the homeless out there. And
first I was just like, all right, I'm gonna feed
the homeless, but I realized it was a lot more
than that.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
Uh.

Speaker 3 (27:14):
It was my first time I had to speak up
at church. So I speak up in front of the
same church family I grew up. You know, these people
seen me grow up since I was like seven years old.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
Yeah, I called you right back to the same church,
same church, same church.

Speaker 3 (27:27):
And I always used to say, like I had never
seen myself doing that. But God actually gave me that
vision months ago. I just never knew what it would be. Wow, Yes,
he gave me like a prophetic vision months ago, like
I had to speak at church, like what is this
going to be about? And sure enough, He's been preparing
me all this time to do so, and not just
preparing me like physically, but like my heart because I
always felt like, you know, I would never go back

(27:49):
to the same not just because of the church, but
just like the same environment with this new person I am.
And I thought that, you know, the things that God
did for me here in Atlanta, I would never be
able to see in my hometown. And sure enough I
did that. I helped the homeless. But it wasn't just
me about helping the homeless. It was about me speaking
up in church, setting a new tone and standard. My

(28:12):
pastor and first lady they're like, we want you just
you know, to help us start something here, like we
you know, we need your.

Speaker 2 (28:17):
Help, and I'm like, you need my help me, you know.

Speaker 3 (28:21):
And that there was new people that got involved that
were their life is not you know, in Christ right now,
but they got involved in this initiative and that was
their their way in so I realized, like the calling
that he has in my life is like with ministries,
like connecting with people and meeting them right where they're at.
Because people that you know are in my hometown, they've

(28:42):
seen me be this person you know that was outside
in the world, and you know it wasn't that loving
and nice how I am right now. And now they're
coming to help me with this initiative and also me
introducing them to Christ along the way. And I'm like, wow, God,
like you really showed out because if you didn't prepare
me for the last few months of just doing other
things here in Atlanta, yeah, I would have never been ready. Yeah,

(29:05):
and now he's shown me like the same things I
helped you do or I showed you to do in Atlanta,
I'm about to show you in your very own hometown
that you never want to be in.

Speaker 1 (29:13):
While calling you back and calling you to the same
people who was talking bad about you before.

Speaker 3 (29:18):
Imagine that listen, and also the people that I was
even talking bad about Yeah, because I just talked bad
on that hometown.

Speaker 1 (29:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:24):
Oh I would never move back there. Yeah, the way
like I.

Speaker 1 (29:28):
Say, now, he was using you in that same time,
same place.

Speaker 2 (29:31):
Wow, and it's so crazy.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
I remember so in that hometown, everybody used Facebook like
Facebook is just a place to be And I actually
God called me to do and I'm so glad. I
made a post saying, like, you know, I see you guys,
you know, seeing the things that I'm doing.

Speaker 2 (29:46):
But I want to make a disclaimer.

Speaker 3 (29:48):
Like anyone that I've ever talked bad about, anyone that
I may have said things about any of this, like
beef that may be going on in this small town, listen,
forgive me, and I forgive anyone. I want anyone to
be involved. This is not about me. You know, I'm
a brand new person. God has set me free and
forgiven me, and I hope you guys forgive me too,

(30:08):
because I know the type of person I used to be,
So I don't want to come back and just acting like, oh,
I'm just holier than now and y'all come help me
with this. No, I know the person I was before,
and I want you guys to see the things that
God has worked in me, and I want you guys
to join me.

Speaker 2 (30:23):
And if he could do it for me, he could
do it for y'all.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
Yeah, definitely, So you know, on the topic of forgiveness,
just tell us a little bit about how you came
because I'm sure in the place that you are right now,
a lot of forgiveness was required. Oh yes, for your
mom and for your dad. So talk a little bit
about that, because we talked about resentment and how it
literally because I went through that too, like y'all. So
what did you physically do, Like, what was the prayer?

(30:45):
What was your mindset to get past that? Because now
you're going home, so obviously some forgiveness, letting go, some
grace has happened, and I know a lot of people
will be very interested in this. How did you forgive
your parents? How did what mindset were you in to
be like, you know what, this is behind me. Forgiveness
is the new way. What did you do?

Speaker 3 (31:05):
Yes, I'm so glad to tell a story so I
know this exactly what's happened. Actually went on a fast
I want to three day dry fast, and I didn't
God had called me to do the fast, but I
didn't know like what was gonna happen from it. I
just knew he wanted me to do it, and I
was very intentional, like I was off my social media,
and I was just super intentional about like just being

(31:27):
my word, like that's all I want to do, and
just praying all day. And on the last night of
the fast, I was called this as a joke, we say,
like washing worship in the shower, and I'm doing my
worship and I remember, like, you know, just praying and
i was just in this moment with God and I'm
just crying and I'm just like wanting to let go

(31:49):
of all the things I've been harping into me, like spiritually, emotionally.
And as soon as I was done, like God like
whispered to me to send out a message. I mean
it was like one am, and he wanted me to
contact three people and tell them that I'm sorry and
that I forgive them and I hope that they forgive
me too. And one of those persons, one of those

(32:10):
people was my stepdad at the time, and he wanted
me to reach out. And I'm not going to go
into the exact details, but I actually had him blocked
for an entire year before this because he sent me
a message that was not not nice at all, and
so I just was like I'm blocking him because I'm
like I can't allow.

Speaker 2 (32:30):
Somebody to keep talking to me in this way.

Speaker 3 (32:33):
And I wrote him I had to write my Facebook
because he's blocked, and I was just like, hey, you know,
God really placed it on my heart to reach out
to you. I just want to say, like, you know,
I hope that you know you can forgive me if
there's anything that I did to hurt you or make
you feel away.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
And that I love you and I care about you.

Speaker 3 (32:54):
And I don't even remember every single thing I said,
but there was something specific that God wanted me to
say to him that his heart and it was nothing
but God because it was not of my own words.

Speaker 2 (33:03):
I didn't remember the exact words.

Speaker 3 (33:05):
And he was just like in such shock, and that
was the start of everything. And I remember the time
around that time I was reading it. I was in
the Book of Matthew and there was a pair of
bleat about the man with the talents, where just to
kind of sum it up, God Jesus actually told the

(33:27):
story about this man who old I think like ten
thousand talents he was forgiven.

Speaker 1 (33:32):
I love this story.

Speaker 3 (33:33):
Yes, he ended up getting forgiven by the Master, but
then he left out of prison and then went to
somebody else and asked him, like, where's his talns He
owed him, which was only a fraction of the cause.
And you know what I got from that. My revelation
is like, if God can forgive me for all the
things that I did and you know what you did. Listen,
I know the things I've get, I can forgive anyone else.

(33:55):
And that also like correlates with I think it's in
the Book of John where he talks about loving and
you know, loving like God loves us. And if I want,
if I you know, consider God my father, and I'm
supposed to love like he is, right, love like how
He loves me, then I can forgive anybody because that's

(34:17):
like I love God so much I want to do
what he says. And if he wants me to forgive
and love others and love my family, that's what I'm
going to test with you. And it wasn't just like, oh,
I'm just gonna do because God says, but.

Speaker 2 (34:27):
Like I truly feel it.

Speaker 3 (34:30):
Yes, And when I tell you, that started everything so
from forgiving my stepdad and he ended up actually I
ended up breaking my toes like a week after that happened,
and he came out here and so we got to
talk and stuff, and I just told him like how
I feel, and he's like, oh, like, you know, how's
your relationship with God? Like he's just interested in, you know,
how I'm this new person. So you know, I'm talking

(34:52):
to him about that. My mom ends up coming out
here as well, and you know, there was still things
that we were working through, Like I've always had a
great relationship with my mom, even though I held some
result resentment. But that started the forgiveness. And it doesn't
just it wasn't just like a one time thing and
I'm just you know.

Speaker 2 (35:09):
It's all gone again, like I don't feel anything.

Speaker 3 (35:11):
But it was constantly asking God teach me, like how
to let go of these things, how to have a
better heart, how to give my mother grace because I
don't know the things that she's gone through to be
the person that she is now, you know, and you
know there might be time for a little something may
step in my heart, but I just remember, like give
her grace and just know that she's on a journey

(35:33):
as well. And I can see the more that I
was intentional about having a good relationship with God, the
more she started to do the same thing as well.

Speaker 2 (35:44):
And that touched my heart so much.

Speaker 3 (35:45):
I'm just like wow, Like now we're having different conversations
and I've just I'm seeing my mom as a different person.
I've never seen, you know, how she is now to
this day because when I went back.

Speaker 2 (35:56):
Home, like the way I said to the church, she's always.

Speaker 3 (35:59):
Like been the trich physically, but spiritually, the way I
see her it's just so different.

Speaker 1 (36:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (36:04):
So I know, like I encourage anybody that's watching this too,
Like you know, it's not just about like, oh, let
me show up and be this person, but like the
more you do that intentionally and do it truthfully, you
know you'll see other people around you start to do
the same thing.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Yeah. And I love how you talked about it was
not just like a one time forgiveness thing, because I
think that people think that, you know, the Lord tells
us forgive and then you say, okay, Lord, I forgive,
and now everything is really forgiveness is a process. So
I want anyone out there struggling with forgiveness to say
or to if they're thinking, oh, you know, I already
forgave them. I already prayed that prayer, Like Lord, why

(36:38):
am I still struggling with this? It's a process. I
saw a girl on TikTok say, every time you think
about them, forgive them again. Yes, every time you think
about the situation, forgive the situation again.

Speaker 2 (36:48):
Jesus says seventy seven times.

Speaker 1 (36:50):
Okay, listen, no seriously, because it really does take that.
Because the enemy will plant thoughts into your head when
you're in the shower, when you're by yourself, when you
wake up in the morning, when you're vulnerable, those thoughts
will always come back. Forgive them again. It's a process.
I know. For me, what I did was, you know,
it was just one thing about me. Is like the
resentment for my family was like eating me up to

(37:13):
the point to where it was all I could think about.
And I'm telling you this is years later. You know,
I've been in Atlanta eight years. I think that this
process of forgiveness for my family just started really coming
about two years ago. And I've been in Atlanta eight years.
So what I had to do was it was like
I was constantly thinking about it. It was like I
was jailed in my own mind because I'm thinking about yeah,

(37:33):
like you know, especially and you know, this was the
thing for me, especially when I go home and I
see how good my siblings have it compared to how
I had it. Oh, baby, that gets me. Oh, it
lights a new fire in me because it's like you're
reliving it over and over again, like the things that
I couldn't do or the things that I was restricted by. Oh,

(37:55):
my siblings absolutely not. And it has a lot of
resentment because the things that I I went through manifested
negatively in my adult life. So I see them living
will and nilly, and I get really mad at it. So,
you know, I remember I just I came home I
think one time from a visit and I was really
thinking about it really hard. I couldn't even sleep, and
I was finally like God, I was like, let this

(38:18):
go from me because I can't take it anymore. And
for me, journaling was always my thing. So I literally
have like a page and a half of people's names.
I forgive this person. I literally had to write it out.
I had to write their name, I forgive them and
what I forgive them for and pray over it. Now,
these situations still come to mind every now and again,
but just like that woman said, every time you think
about it, forgive again. So I just want everyone out

(38:40):
there to know, like it is a process, you know,
but the more surrenderance you give to the forgiveness process,
the easier it does become. I'll say that. And the
quicker you kind of get it out of your mind,
you know. The Lord says to take every thought captive
and rebuke it, you know, and to think about I
think about the verse that says like everything that's good,
everything that's you know, think about those things, you know. So, yeah,

(39:01):
that's definitely it.

Speaker 3 (39:03):
It's a journey to you and you wouldn't be the
person you are right now if you didn't go through that.

Speaker 2 (39:07):
Yeah, And I started to think about that as well.

Speaker 3 (39:09):
It's like, how would I be able to do the
things that I'm doing right now, not only like just physically,
but like when I'm.

Speaker 2 (39:17):
Having these conversations.

Speaker 3 (39:18):
When I'm having this conversation right now, I wouldn't be
on this podcast talking about.

Speaker 2 (39:21):
This if I didn't go through it.

Speaker 1 (39:23):
If we haven't, and.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
That's when we realize, like, my life is not my own.
Like if you really give yourself away to him, you'll
realize all the things you went through was for a reason,
and it may be for somebody else.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
Oh yeah, and you oh, yeah, just like you with
your mom, just like you with your church. Yeah yeah,
I think about like if anyone in the Bible had
any real leg to stand down when it comes to
resenting their family, it was Joseph. How bad his brothers
did him. They tried to kill him, they sawd them
into slavery. And then he gets to where he's going.
He does everything right. The woman lies about the rape.

(39:57):
He's in jail for no reason, you know, like he
he's done wrong so many times. If anyone was to
have a chip on their shoulder, it's Joseph. And oh
he went through it for years and years. And then
we see when he's reunited, reunited with his brothers, he
does not hold that against them.

Speaker 2 (40:14):
He tests them and he struggles with them just for
a second. Oh yeah, yes, for a second. But then
he remembers, oh yeah, he's like crying.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
He wants his brothers to be near him, and he forgives.
And it's like if ever, you know, my my siblings
was never trying to kill me, you know, like my
parents were never you know, And it's just like if
he could forgive with all that he went through jail
and slavery and all that kind of stuff. It's like,
come on, now, I can forgive my home situation too.

(40:42):
So recently I've been going home to New York a
lot more. You know, I was just there to anybody
that knows me, knows I don't like no kids, you know,
I don't like I don't I don't even like my
little cousins. Sometimes they they cute, but it's like, okay,
go over there. And my sister, you know, need the
babysitter for my niece. And I was like, oh, I'll

(41:02):
come and watch her. And I stayed in New York
for like two weeks. That's unheard of.

Speaker 2 (41:06):
Wow, you did that? You hear me.

Speaker 1 (41:08):
I'm shaking herd to the Science Museum. Were doing it,
you know. And it's just kind of like I feel
the Lord just like calling me back to my family
so hard. And it's the enjoyment, like the pure enjoyment
that I've been getting recently with going back home and
seeing them. It's totally a one eight.

Speaker 3 (41:25):
You really get to see, like to test your fruits
when you be around people that you grew up with.

Speaker 1 (41:30):
Oh that that triggered you.

Speaker 3 (41:31):
Yeah, yeah, that's where your fruits are really tested because
it's like you can try to do all this hard
work on your own, It's like, oh, I'm isolating. I'm
doing all this work, But how are you when you
get around people?

Speaker 1 (41:42):
Oh yeah, that's the true test. It's easy. And that's
why we isolate ourselves when we go through these struggles
as the eldest daughter, because when you're by yourself, you're
not triggering yourself. Yeah, you know, home, my cat's watching
Golden Girls, I'm not triggered. It's when I'm with my family,
I'm like, how am I still gonna be mad about
what they did to me ten years ago? You have
to decide, and I you know so one hundred percent.

(42:03):
It's you never really know until the Lord calls you back.
And so I'm just really grateful for him doing that
in both of our lives.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
This is how we lead as example, because it's like
being the eldest daughter, that's something like I feel like
that's what we're here for, to lead by example.

Speaker 2 (42:18):
And it's like I just had a conversation even with
my sister.

Speaker 3 (42:20):
I'm like, listen, I understand the things you're going through
right now, But like if I didn't go through those things,
how would I be able to have these conversations with you.
How would I able to have this conversation with anybody else? Like,
I'm glad God allowed me. You know, he used me
as a vessel because if I didn't go through this,
like and even just like right now with me doing
things in ministry, I've had a conversation with another girl

(42:42):
who actually came to volunteer. She's going through similar family dynamics,
not necessarily with her just the father, but just like,
how do I forgive my family? And you know, I'm teaching,
you know, teaching her about the things that I went
through and how I had to surrender. And it's just like,
you know, I encourage anybody like if you feel like,
oh why am I going through this? Read the stories

(43:02):
in the Bible. Every person you read the Bible, they
had to go through something so that we can read
it and understand and just know that God has listen.
It's the same guy back then, same guy right now.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
Oh he never change.

Speaker 2 (43:12):
Reason why we go and through things is for the
next generation.

Speaker 1 (43:15):
Yeah, definitely, I was looking for this verse because it
just talks about one thing that the Lord don't play about,
is the first born. I know that you're kind of
like the second born in your family, but you still
hold yeah, the first dar position. Yeah, And I know
for me, like I'm like the first daughter, the first
granddaughter of the first niece, you know. And the Lord
don't play about the firstborn like he talks about like

(43:38):
the one that opens the womb is his. And I
feel like when you had that position in your family,
the enemy will attack that position and he makes us
run away. Yeah, he tries to take the position from you,
and it's like the Lord's like no, like you were mine,
and he calls you back every single time. So I
just want you to, you know, end out this episode
with just giving the girls a piece of device. Whatever

(43:59):
you about forgiveness with your mom and your dad about
being called back, whatever you like.

Speaker 3 (44:05):
Yeah, So I'm gonna leave it out with telling a
quick little story. So a couple of months ago, I
recently got triggered and I didn't realize that I had
abandonment wounds, and I got triggered in the Christian community
that I'm part of, and I remember being triggered in
the first instant is like you want to run away

(44:25):
the same thing I did in my family. And so
what I did was this time around, I said to God, like,
why not being triggered? And I wrote down all the
things I was being triggered by, and then I prayed
about them, and I kept praying and praying, and God
revealed to me. I literally can visualize it the moment
where he met me in my secret place where I

(44:47):
could just feel him there, his presence, and it was
like I was a little girl again and I can
just see him just patting my hair and me sitting
on his lap, and he was, you know, kind of
just telling me that that I went through these things
for a greater purpose, that he isolated and separated me
for those times for a greater reason, and that I

(45:08):
always felt like the black sheep, but it was for
his greater good, yea. And those things that he said
to me made me realize, like, I allowed you go
through these things, but it's going to be so much
for your greater good, and I'm gonna use you in
a special way. So I encourage anyone like literally just
pray to God about it, because those same things I
pray to God about the pastor that is at that

(45:32):
same Bible sec that owns that church, he came and
prayed to me, and he still does say those He
said those exact words, like literally the exact words I
talked to God about in that shower, in that moment,
he came and reiterate those words and confirmed to me
the same things about me being the black sheep, that
he separated me for a reason. So I encourage you

(45:52):
to pray to God like, do not try to fight
these things on your own.

Speaker 2 (45:55):
The battle is not yours. It's not yours.

Speaker 3 (45:57):
And just know that God is allowing you to go
through these things for his greater purpose and it's going
to be most likely a part of your calling.

Speaker 2 (46:05):
So don't get discouraged.

Speaker 3 (46:06):
Don't feel like, oh, my family's never faming dynamic is
never gonna be the way that I want it to be.
But he didn't call us to be together. He called
to separate, you know, mother from daughter. In real yes,
he called us to separate. But when in your separation
is to know that God is your father first, and
then he will lead your family dynamic in the way
that he wants to in his eyes. So just allow

(46:29):
God to be the author of your story, you know,
give it all to him, surrendered to him. You may
have the fast aboud you may have to continuously pray
about it, but your story is not over yet. He's
going to use like the challenges that the enemy puts
you through, God's going to use it for his greater own.

Speaker 1 (46:46):
Oh yeah, and you're gonna see it. He's not gonna
let you miss this. You're going to see exactly. Yeah.
And I definitely just want to close out with this
with this thought because there are a lot of women,
especially Black women in the Christian community, who you know,
we talk about knowing our father's even if just peripherally,
but at least we knew our fathers, right. I know
a lot of Black women that grew up they didn't

(47:06):
even know their dads. When I say didn't know their dads,
never set eyes on their dads a day in their lives.
And I think that there are a lot of women
hurting from that because they can say, yeah, y'all might
have struggled with y'all fathers, but at least y'all knew them.
And that's so real. But I just want to let
those women out there know as well, your earthly father
was only going to be your father for a limited
time boom, yes, but your heavenly father is always there,

(47:29):
and that's really the father that you should be wanting
to please. He sets things up in our lives and
you know, there are no coincidences. Sin happens, but he
uses it all for are good. Yes, And I just
want you to know that your earthly father or your
heavenly father, I'm sorry, is always there, even when your
earthly father was not. Yeah. So I just I thank

(47:52):
you guys for watching another episode of the Amani Talks podcast.
I thank you so much Shaq for being here. Thank
you God for Shaq making it. Because I was making
over a girl. I was like, Lord, please let me
get here. I was like, please fly that plan yourself
and get her here.

Speaker 2 (48:07):
I just landed like an hour and a half ago.

Speaker 1 (48:09):
And you yes, yes, I'm so glad that you can.
All right, I'll see you guys. Laid on fine. H