January 20, 2025 • 30 mins
In this episode of Amplified Marriage, we explore the intriguing concept of intellectual intimacy within our marriages. We discuss how stepping into each other's intellectual worlds, even when filled with bizarre details or unknown interests, can bring about deeper connections and strengthen your relationship. This episode complements our ongoing Pillars of Intimacy series, which focuses on strengthening different aspects of intimacy between partners.
Intellectual intimacy might seem complex, but we try to break it down using relatable stories and some personal examples. We emphasize the importance of engaging in meaningful conversations, regardless of intellectual compatibility. We tackle the idea that couples don't need to share the same intelligence level or have all the same interests as long as there is mutual respect and curiosity about one another's worlds. By sharing a few easy-to-use strategies for sparking conversations and understanding each other's quirks, we want to offer you practical ways to cultivate intellectual intimacy and strengthen your emotional bonds.
Key Takeaways:
- Intellectual Intimacy: Engaging in thoughtful conversations and appreciating each other's unique interests strengthen relationship bonds.
- Diverse Interests: Couples don't need to share the same interests to connect intellectually; respect and curiosity for each other's passions are key.
- Effective Communication: Asking open-ended questions and showing genuine interest can lead to meaningful and engaging discussions.
- Shared Growth: Couples learn and evolve together through shared ideas and different perspectives, enhancing their intellectual connection.
- Adaptive Relationships: Embracing changes and exploring new interests keep relationships fresh and exciting.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Imagine this Natalie is glued to her latest courtroom
drama, rattling off everydetail about a case that could
rival a soap opera.
Meanwhile, brian, who's moreinterested in motorcycles and
what's for dinner, finds himselfnodding along trying to look
engaged.
Why?
Because he's discovered thatsometimes, just sometimes,
(00:22):
intellectual intimacy means into your spouse's world, even
when it's filled with legaljargon and dramatic objections.
And before he knows it, he'sasking the question wait, so
what happened to that guy withthe blue tie?
That, my friends, is the magicof intellectual intimacy finding
connections in the quirks andpassions that make your
(00:43):
relationship uniquely yours.
Welcome to another episode ofAmplified Marriage.
(01:09):
I'm Brian.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I'm Natalie.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Well, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you
hear us say grab a coffee, gofor a run.
We are about to step into thenext episode of the Amplified
Marriage podcast.
We are talking today aboutintellectual intimacy, and if
you've missed the last coupleweeks, you will know that we've
talked about physical intimacyand emotional intimacy.
(01:33):
So take a chance, go back andlisten.
You will definitely enjoy them.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
That's right.
We're in our Pillars ofIntimacy series.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
The Pillars of Intimacy.
Today we're talking aboutintellectual intimacy and, as we
were just before we started,the podcast Some giggles, some
giggles because you were likewell, you have to to talk to
each other in order to engagewith each other.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Or something along those lines.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yeah, it's hard to be married if you're not going to
be communicating, and not justcommunicating like your wants
and your needs and your desiresand your future together, but
communicating sort of the quirkythings that make each other,
yeah right.
The weird, the weird, the youknow, the things that you're
passionate about that I mightnot be passionate about, and
(02:21):
vice versa.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
It's being able to have a conversation and so
here's a question for you do youthink that you have to be
matched intellectually, like inintellect, like, in order to
stay engaged as a married couple?
No thank goodness, becauseyou're way smarter than I am um,
(02:46):
here's the thing how do you noteven blink?
Speaker 2 (02:49):
you just keep on going like nothing was said,
like oh yeah, no, I know I am, Ijust keep wow I'm not and I was
going to say that for thelongest time I used and, like he
says, I'm smarter.
Okay, I have post-secondaryeducation whoop-dee-doo and I
(03:12):
can lift heavy things there yougo.
So um so many times I used thatas a weapon you did early on in
the relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
You're like I went to school, I'm like sweet, so did
I exactly and um, so I don'tthink you.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
I I think a marriage can work perfectly fine without
you both.
You know, if one is a doctorand some one's a janitor right,
exactly, or one's a stay-at-homedad and mom's a lawyer.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
I think that you can make that work, see what we've
seen in Hollywood and TV showslike even shows like the Big
Bang Theory.
I hate that show.
I know, but the main character,penny.
No, penny used to just date bigdumb jocks and then she ended
up dating a guy that was reallyreally smart, geeky, not
(04:05):
athletic, not very big andwell-built or anything like that
.
And then they broke up, I think, and she would be dating these
dumb guys and he would bewondering why.
I think that you have to findsomeone that matches you, like
whether or not it happened to bea guy that maybe he's a big
dumb jock I don't think there'sanyone that's out there that's
super dumb.
I mean, there probably is.
(04:27):
But what I mean is that you youwant to find the person across
from you that you're sittingwith, whether or not they're
academic.
They're not academic, they'reathletic, they're not athletic.
Whatever it is that's going tomatch you and who you are.
And you're intellectual, likethere's definitely things like
even in our relationship.
You're really smart when itcomes to medical things.
You've always have been.
You went to school, you didtraining, you were in the
(04:48):
medical field for quite a fewyears.
You've done all kinds.
I'm not very sharp in that, butI'm also sharp in other areas,
and so I think that what wematch in when it comes to
intelligence or intellectualthings.
Is that we there's?
There's a lot of things thatyou like that I think are stupid
, right, right, and maybe Idon't say it that way, maybe I
do, no, I don't think youarticulate it like that.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
I don't feel like you think.
I feel like you just know thatyou're going to be in for a
long-winded explanation.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
And like here's the truth, Like that opening that we
had, it is absolutely the truth.
It is 100% true, because I wantto engage with her in
conversation, because I love herand I care for her and I like
that she's happy with her dumbshows that she's watching.
I regret the moment I ask hey,which case are you watching now?
Because I literally just wantedto know what the name of it was
(05:38):
.
A one-line synopsis this guykilled blah blah, blah and that
be that.
But no, I actually get now thehistory of the killer, the
history of the lawyer, thehistory of the second lawyer,
the names of the third andfourth lawyers that are working
on the case, that are actuallynot even in the room, the
judge's shoe size.
I get all kinds of stuff and Ijust want to know what case and
(05:59):
literally what, what happened,and then tell me at the end what
the what, the final verdict waslike.
That's all I need to know.
But you will give me that longwinded response.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Exactly Now we'll.
We'll talk about that.
Okay, we're going to talk aboutthat to just piggy or not
piggyback.
But go back to your commentregarding being sort of like
intellectually compatible.
I think it can work if you arenot talking down yes to you
don't think you're superior tothe other one, right?
(06:31):
because they, you know, um, they, if you're a chef, that they,
they can't cook and then youlike, they're made to to feel
inferior because they, theymight not excel at cooking or
whatever it might be Right.
Yeah, so I think that thatsomeone I don't think you know,
two people who are accountantsare like best paired for each
(06:56):
other.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
No.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Do you know what I mean?
So I think it can work whereone one is an accountant and one
um works in a clothing store.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Do know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Like I think it doesn't have to be if we've seen
any.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
If you see anything, you see people of varying
intelligences, but becausepeople are usually intelligent
in a particular field, rightlike we have, we have couples
that one was a nail tech or asalon and they were an
electrician or a carpenter.
They're smart in the thingsthey're doing, but what they did
is they found a salon and theywere an electrician or a
carpenter.
They're smart in the thingsthey're doing, but what they did
is they found a way that they,too, can come connect with their
mind in a whatever way thathappened to be.
(07:31):
Now, even when we're talkingabout intellectual intimacy, we
should probably define a littlebit of what it is and really,
when you're it, it is literallythe the act of sharing ideas
with each other and discussionsthat actually bring about just
meaningful, valuable, helpful,funny, intense, deep, cerebral,
(07:54):
ethereal type conversations thatstimulate relationship between
you and your partner.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
That's right, and we were just talking about this the
other day, leading up to thisepisode.
And we were just talking aboutthis the other day.
Leading up to this episode, Ididn't realize, but it dawned on
me the not, maybe the intriguethat's probably not the right
word when it comes to like truecrime watching.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
How does Natalie relax folks?
She relaxes by watching truecrime.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
So there's something to be said about watching a
particularly violent, disturbingdisturbing case and having an
appreciation for choices thatI've made in my life that led
you down a different path.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
That led me down a different path, right and, or
looking at you, know you?
And just being so grateful thatI was as picky as I was
marrying you.
Do you know what I mean?
And it just it kind of itsparks conversation.
Right, so many so many times belike I cannot fathom, you know,
(09:10):
especially when it's casesinvolving children.
Um, those are really reallyreally hard on the one hand.
On the other hand, when you seesome of these cases roll
through, with women sufferingfrom postpartum as I have
suffered from postpartum butmade different choices in that
(09:33):
there's an.
It's horrific, but there'sthere's a, an empathy of I.
Had I not made the those, thedecisions that led me down the
path that I'm on, who's to saythat I would not have landed
where these women findthemselves, or these men, or
whoever?
Speaker 1 (09:51):
it might be, so it sparks conversation and
reflection on holy cow on holycow, like, aren't we all one,
one or multiple decisions awayfrom from a different outcome?
(10:11):
Yeah, that is true.
I think that when you're,you're looking, you're watching
the news or you're you're like,you see those channels.
I remember back in the old dayswhen they had uh, back in the
old days when man, I can'tbelieve I'm saying that, but
when they would have policeshows and it was like criminals
biggest blunders, or those arethe funny ones or the serious
ones.
You're like this is someone who, or they show the pictures of
someone before meth and thenaftermath.
(10:33):
You're like, man, I can't.
I'm so thankful for thedecisions that I was made, the
upbringing that I had, and itdoes.
It does bring that around.
But also, um, a lot of times,these things have sparked
conversation about how are wegoing to talk to our kids about
this, especially when they wereyounger, how we're going to talk
to our kids about thisparticular situation.
Or they heard something atschool oh, I heard this about
(10:54):
this family and you're like,yeah, that's actually true, this
is what happened and you haveto now.
It sparks opportunity.
So not only does it it, itbrings you two together, where
you're growing together becauseyou're having these deep
conversations and that actuallybrings about an ability to know
each other deeper and how youthink and how your thought
process, thought processes,think I can actually say things
(11:15):
like nat I know you're going tosay no to this and like even
today, our son is driving anhour away out of town and I said
said to you over the phone, youdidn't, you were nervous about
him driving from here to thatplace out of town.
And I said that's fair.
But I said I trust my son andit's your heart talking, or your
head knows it's true, but yourheart doesn't know the
(11:36):
difference.
And I can say to you I know youbut I've learned that over
conversations over us having tofight for our values together,
having to fight over I don'tmean fight as in we're angry at
each other.
I'm talking like we fight forthese things together.
And so we believe in our son,we trust in our son that he's
going to do that.
Your head is telling you, yes,I understand he's a good driver,
(11:58):
but your heart is being a mamaand it's being like, and so I
can say to you sweetie, I trusthim, you're, I trust him, you're
.
I understand where you are, Iunderstand this and here,
instead of what I would havedone in the old days, no, no, he
can just do it, it's onwhatever.
I don't care what your feelings,just go do it.
I was like no, no.
I understand, but I wouldn'thave got to that place of
understanding with you if I nothad to spend that time getting
to know that part of you you is.
(12:20):
You like these weird true crimethings, but that's just
something that sparksconversation and so 100 we're
talking about intellectualconversations.
It does like they.
I can say to anyone at work oh,natalie, I asked natalie about
a true crime podcast and they'dbe like oh, they know just that.
(12:40):
Like any one of your friendswould be like yeah, I know you
got the long answer, didn't you?
It's's like, yeah, like itpromotes growth for each of you,
because now you're havingconversations about things you
may never Exactly Not.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
I'm not talking.
I feel like I'm laying, not thetrue crime, no, but just Like.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Lay that aside because we've mentioned like it
has really sparked conversationsabout the kind of people that
we want to be, but alsodocumentaries and stupid things
we see and other podcasts thatyou're listening to really spark
conversations on communicationand conversations on dealing
with conflict and things likethat.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Like the hostage negotiator guy.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Oh yeah, Chris Voss.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Right, incredible Like.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
If you have not listened to his podcast, you
need to yeah, and the other onethat I talk about the Art of
manliness, but with Brett.
Oh man, just one of my favoritepodcasts.
It's so good, anyone justlisten to it.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Like podcasts and true crime, but I think those
are really great catalysts toopen up conversations.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
But what you're doing , though, is you're challenging
each other.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
You're challenging each other's thought processes.
Well, why do you think?
Like that especially if you'rewatching the news and then you
can discuss, like current eventswell did you like?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
here's?
Here's the thing.
Here's one of those.
A few years ago, when trump wonin 2016, there was a couple
that made the news all oversocial media because they had
only been dating for a shorttime.
They didn't know each other'spolitical affiliations.
Trump wins in 2016.
They were dating.
She broke up with him becausehe supported Trump, but she
didn't.
What do you get from notcommunicating and not engaging
(14:13):
with each other?
They were dating for asignificant amount of time, like
eight or nine months.
It was a relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
They must not have got to political views.
And actually, now that youmention that, I don't even think
we even chatted about.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Not before we were married.
No, we just assumed that wewere both on the same page.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Not really thinking about politics that much when
you're young no, but I mean tothat couple that was like being
able to know that that's a dealbreaker for you.
Yeah Right.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
But like.
I said you need to.
And here's the thing is thatoftentimes in our coaching I've
heard a couple say well, I justdon't know what to talk to her
about, or him about.
We have nothing to talk about.
I'm like are you kidding?
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Are you reading a book?
Chat about the book.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Were you reading the Bible?
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Chat about the Bible and, honestly, this is some of
the times when I know that if Iask Natalie how was your day,
I'm going to get a list ofthings of how your day was.
This happened with work and wehad this fun thing that happened
in my job and my boss said thisand it was a good day or it was
, it was a bad day and it waswhatever day it was.
It was, it was just it was.
(15:20):
But I'll get a list of thingsand Natalie will ask well, how
was your day?
Oh, it was good.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
That's not good enough.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And I've learned over the years Natalie, you didn't
let me finish is that that's notgood enough?
She wants details as much as Idon't want to provide her
details because I'm like the daywas good, there was nothing out
of the ordinary to explain.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Exactly, but that doesn't like.
Part of this whole idea ofhaving intellectual intimacy is
bringing each other into eachother's worlds.
Right, right and it doesn'tmatter what we're doing, and if
the day was so boring, I don'tcare.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, and the thing is to that end, you don't care
about motorcycle things no youwant to care.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
I just have.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I know that you try to care, but I'll be like I'll
show her a bike that I think islike man, this motorcycle is so
nice, I love the handlebars.
Look at the size of that backtire.
And this thing is just got nicecurves.
And she looks at and she's like, yeah, it's okay.
Like, are you kidding me?
I need you to love this like Ido right now.
Like this is, this is the bikeI want to have when I'm an adult
, there is a bike if you say,harley, I'm going to be upset it
(16:32):
is not a harley.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
I think those things are ugly.
Sorry, uncle dan.
Um, I am very fond ofhondaadows.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
I have an old Honda Shadow I know, and I like your
bike.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Yeah, but was it the Phantom?
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Oh yeah, you like the Phantom.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
That is a really really nice bike.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
It is a very nice bike.
Not enough CCs for me, but it'sa nice bike.
I get it.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Matte black, and I'll just leave it at that.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Matte, black, wow.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
People with that look like it.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
So we just wanted to give you some funny examples.
We've talked a little bit aboutthe things that we are weird
about in our relationship, likeit was music or motorcycles for
me.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
And these are like huge areas that we find common
ground in.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
We do now.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Because, though I'm musical, I hate going into the
music store.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
I know you do.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
It is the worst.
It is the worst.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
I noticed that you have a lot more patience for a
middle son.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Yes, and I do have patience for you Than you ever
did for me.
Is there a?
Speaker 1 (17:27):
reason for that.
I'd like to know.
Can we tell our listeners whyyou have more patience for our
middle son than the one youmarried first?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
I will tell the listeners that there is a.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
There's some sass on your face right now.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Marriage is sacrifice , wow.
And going to the music store isan act of sacrifice.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
But for my son.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
And I dislike going.
Even it's not.
I like the company I'm with, Ijust don't like the location.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Yeah, just like when our oldest starts talking to you
about computer parts.
You could sit there for half anhour and he pretty much and I
try to understand and he prettymuch just spoke Korean for the
last 30 minutes and you're like,oh man, that's awesome Sud.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
We're not going to have the same interest, and I
think that's what makes it fun.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
That definitely.
So we just want to get into ormaybe that you have gotten into,
but some couples might get intodeep debate about life over
coffee.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
You know I had a or deep debate about coffee yeah,
that's because I was a baristaand when, prior to us dating and
I fancied myself a coffeeconnoisseur, I knew where all
the coffees came from.
I knew their weird names.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Yeah, you did and all the, and I just wanted I didn't
actually really drink coffeeuntil a few years into us dating
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Or even to married Right.
It gave us something to talkabout, right.
Do you like coffee?
Well, I like coffee too.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
So here's what happened is I would go into
stores like coffee places and Iwould order usually just a black
coffee of some kind, because Iactually really like a nice dark
, roast black coffee.
She would order whatever weird,funny, fruity or sweet thing
that she would get.
It was always so much betterthan my black coffee.
So eventually over the years Ijust learned to that I'll just
(19:20):
have what she has, unless I knowthat I like whatever it is,
I'll just have what Natalie'shaving, because it's so much
better than whatever I'm goingto get.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
That's right.
So I mean whatever yourinterests are.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
It could be solving crossword puzzles, if that's a
thing for you, or playing videogames together.
That's a big thing.
There's a whole thing aboutgamer culture that's happening
in the world, or you?
Watch documentaries or I lovedocumentaries I know, not just
crime documentaries yeah, I lovedocumentaries I know you do.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
And not just crime documentaries.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Yeah, I love animal documentaries, see or like
here's one is you get intoarguments, playful, fun, joyous
arguments about who would win ina super fight.
A superhero would.
What superhero would win in afight.
Now, I've never done that withNatalie, but I have done that
with really good friends, manfriends.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Okay, so who do you think would win?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Over what?
Who's the Pick two superheroes?
I bet you they don't even comefrom the same universe.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Probably not.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
You probably will pick a DC and a Marvel one,
thinking they're from DC.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Oh gosh Pick one, spider-man and Venom.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Oh, why would you choose such a challenging one?
Because they have a whole comicbook series, many, many books
about.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Exactly, I think it would be Venom, personally, and
I agree, and Venom happens to bemy favorite anti-hero.
See, we don't even disagree.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
You've got to pick someone.
We disagree on Scarlet Witchversus Batman, or Scarlet
Scarlet, never mind, let's justmove on.
This is going to get weird.
What superhero that would beone thing.
Or maybe Natalie, mybrother-in-law me all the time.
The fact that I can just pickout an actor and I'll do this
now.
Oh yeah, that was for thisperson.
They played in the movie, andjeremy will make some snide cut.
(20:51):
Oh yeah, he was the key gripthat played with the second
director no one's ever heard of.
I just happen to rememberpeople's names that's right.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
That's why I'm good at that at church when, when
we're in a trivia game, um, thatknowledge is excellent.
Yeah, but rarely are we in atrivia game about that knowledge
is excellent.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yeah, but rarely are we at a trivia game about
actors' names.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
If we could be at a trivia game and if we were
playing like Trivial Pursuit,that would be really handy skill
.
Right and we would certainlyappreciate it at that point.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah, and I think that just what we're trying to
get to is that you need to finda way between the two of you.
And sometimes we've done thiswhen we're coaching.
It's like, look, you want to gohome and just play video games,
or you want to go home and justlisten to music, or you want to
go home and set out in yourshop, whatever it is.
She wants you to, and this islike I'm talking from a guy and
(21:44):
a girl point of view.
She wants you to tell you aboutyour day, what did you do, the
things that happen, what areyour hopes and dreams.
And the truth is, ladies,sometimes when you ask us what
are you thinking about, itgenuinely is nothing.
We're not thinking aboutanything.
We were thinking about anythingand if it was, it was gonna be
something trivial.
Like man, why does the pedalstick on my car like I can't?
(22:06):
What is a door handle?
A little bit jiggly, like dumbthings like that.
It's not like we're thinkingabout the meaning of life or
that whole dumb thing that camearound for a little while.
We're thinking about the romanempire.
Do you know when?
This is my personal frustrationwith that whole trend.
Do you know when we werethinking about the roman empire,
when some moron came up andsaid were you thinking about the
roman empire?
Then you're.
Now I am.
(22:26):
I wasn't Never once thoughtabout that my entire life before
that.
There's no need to.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Well, thank goodness that we just don't care about
the Roman Empire.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
It was not something that was worth talking about,
but what I'm saying is that youneed to find a way between the
two of you to cultivatesomething that you both want to
work on together, to talk abouttogether, to engage in together,
to work through together, andthere's nowhere in the manual of
(23:03):
any kind of manual that saysyou have to have the exact same
likes, dislikes, interests,hobbies, opinions.
In fact, it's better when youdon't.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
I think it's more exciting when you can come
together.
So many of our like our DIYprojects.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
We've had so many laughs with my measurements and
a furniture or we're paintingsomething.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I feel like I get PTSD when we talk about your
measuring.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Just to move on quickly.
No, no, no, no, no.
I think we need to pause.
I just think that.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
And we need to talk about the bureau that I brought
home, that you measured andthought was going to fit, and
hung out the back of the car twofeet that's right and I had to
get the strap from the guy thatsold it to me, because his wife
did the exact same thing andthat guy where he got the strap
was the other guy that had had.
That happened to him and I camehome in a car that beeped all
the way on me because youmeasured two feet wrong yeah it
(24:06):
was impressive.
I.
But boy, did it spark aconversation when you came home
and we could laugh about it, andhere's the value that we
learned from that people is thatI do all the measuring.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
All of it.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Right, but.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
And the percentages off of discounts.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
I think you know that meme.
Girl Maps when the person'smeasuring with their hands and
then they they carry their handsfrom what they were measuring
to the new piece.
That may be me and it keeps itexciting as soon as I say I
found this thing online.
(24:44):
His brian's like he's turnedoff the tv boy.
Do I get his attention reallyquickly?
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yeah, when she walks by me with a tape measure, I'm
like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoawhat's going on?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Why is there a tape measure?
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Or when you have your hands six inches apart and
you're walking with them.
Rigid, that's right.
What we're saying is that thesethings are important for your
relationship.
To find the things that sparkconversation, that spark
challenging each other, thathelp you think about opinions
and perspectives, right.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
It helps deepen that emotional bond.
We talked last time aboutemotional yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Two, two episodes ago , but emotional intimacy yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Right, this just helps deepen that bond that you
have Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
And so there, there, you've heard a lot about our,
some of our story here, and thenis I think that what we want to
say is just if you'restruggling to find something to
to communicate about, to talkabout, to your finding, maybe
there's just a lull inconversation.
It could literally be anythingthat sparks interest in it.
And actually, just, even if youhave to pretend for a little
(25:48):
while, Yep Share ideas.
I think that is just as basic asyou can get or share, even
share a dream that you have,Like, hey, I really want to go
to Ireland before I'm 35.
Right, I mean, I'm way olderthan that.
But I'm just saying, like,whatever your dream is, I
actually really want to go standon the Great Wall of China, or
I really want to go swim withsharks, whatever that.
But if you're struggling withthat communication, just work it
(26:12):
out together, but don't quit,because it got a little bit too
too hard and you're just you'vegot into the pattern of well,
we're not going to communicateanyway, so I'm not going to push
forward with it.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
And there's.
There's a sort of a dominoeffect.
When you are sharing ideas,then you're learning together,
which promotes engagingconversations.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Right.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
That might bring up some differing of opinions and
interests, but it provides you away to work through that.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Helps keep the relationship, in my opinion,
really exciting One, because you, I don't think, know what I'm
going to say at any given point,and vice versa I don't know
what you're going to say or whatidea you're going to bring up.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
And so I can always tell by tone and how you start
the conversation, like wheneveryou say so, I know that
something weird is about tohappen.
I know that it's coming.
I don't know what it's going tobe, but I just know by tone
that you're going to saysomething unpredictable.
Or we should try this, or Ithink we should do this.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
But you know what?
What it does for both of usbecause you, you also do the
same thing.
It it helps us adapt to changeRight.
I don't want to be the sameperson with the same routine,
even though I love my routine.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I don't want to still be doing the same things year
after year after year.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
Yeah, right, that's fair.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Right, so I think you can have fun with it.
It doesn't have to be so hoitytoity and smarty smarty.
I think it can just be as basic.
As I read this book, I saw thisquote and having that as a
starting point.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
I read or I listened to a podcast again on the art of
manliness one of my favoritepodcasts and he had a gentleman
on that talked about.
He tracked the ways of supercommunicators what he called
were super communicators, and hesaid the biggest difference
with every person he evercommunicated with that was what
(28:18):
was called a super communicatorwas they asked more questions?
And so, whatever conversationis, because I'm a pastor, I want
to know what's happening inpeople's lives and what's going
on.
Do with my kids, do withNatalie.
So I ask questions Well, whatabout this?
Or how did that happen?
Or man, that sounds really cool, tell me about that.
And with some of you do thatyou open like an open-ended
question like, hey, how was yourday?
(28:40):
Whatever you're going to ask,if you ask it in such a way that
there's actually a reason toanswer, then when you give the
answer it can actually beexpanded on and you have
something to talk about.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Yeah, but you just ask questions.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Ask questions like just ask lots of questions.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Yeah, that's a great way.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
Right, and that's just the way that some people
are just super communicatorswith certain things, and so I
think that, if you don't knowagain, just spark a conversation
, ask a question how was yourday?
Tell me about your day, open upthe question a little bit more.
Hey, what is one thing todaythat you really liked or really
didn't like?
What went right, what wentwrong, whatever that may be
(29:17):
right, like, and there's acertain way, just engage each
other, yeah.
In some fun and quirky thingsthat you are interested,
interested in.
Get off your phones and get onno, that's.
I can't say that that'sinappropriate.
Get off your phones, spend timewith each other asking
questions, all right.
If you enjoy our podcast, ifyou want to share it with people
(29:43):
, that means a great deal to us.
It means a lot when you do that.
But you can follow us onInstagram and on Facebook.
If you have any questions ortopic or anything you would like
us to discuss, please email usat amplifiedmarriage at gmailcom
.
And, as you have heard us saymany times, we believe that your
marriage can be reset,refreshed recharged and restored
(30:04):
.
Thanks for listening.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Talk to you soon, you .
Imagine this Natalie is glued to her latest courtroom
drama, rattling off everydetail about a case that could
rival a soap opera.
Meanwhile, brian, who's moreinterested in motorcycles and
what's for dinner, finds himselfnodding along trying to look
engaged.
Why?
Because he's discovered thatsometimes, just sometimes,
(00:22):
intellectual intimacy means into your spouse's world, even
when it's filled with legaljargon and dramatic objections.
And before he knows it, he'sasking the question wait, so
what happened to that guy withthe blue tie?
That, my friends, is the magicof intellectual intimacy finding
connections in the quirks andpassions that make your
(00:43):
relationship uniquely yours.
Welcome to another episode ofAmplified Marriage.
(01:09):
I'm Brian.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I'm Natalie.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Well, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you
hear us say grab a coffee, gofor a run.
We are about to step into thenext episode of the Amplified
Marriage podcast.
We are talking today aboutintellectual intimacy, and if
you've missed the last coupleweeks, you will know that we've
talked about physical intimacyand emotional intimacy.
(01:33):
So take a chance, go back andlisten.
You will definitely enjoy them.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
That's right.
We're in our Pillars ofIntimacy series.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
The Pillars of Intimacy.
Today we're talking aboutintellectual intimacy and, as we
were just before we started,the podcast Some giggles, some
giggles because you were likewell, you have to to talk to
each other in order to engagewith each other.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Or something along those lines.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yeah, it's hard to be married if you're not going to
be communicating, and not justcommunicating like your wants
and your needs and your desiresand your future together, but
communicating sort of the quirkythings that make each other,
yeah right.
The weird, the weird, the youknow, the things that you're
passionate about that I mightnot be passionate about, and
(02:21):
vice versa.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
It's being able to have a conversation and so
here's a question for you do youthink that you have to be
matched intellectually, like inintellect, like, in order to
stay engaged as a married couple?
No thank goodness, becauseyou're way smarter than I am um,
(02:46):
here's the thing how do you noteven blink?
Speaker 2 (02:49):
you just keep on going like nothing was said,
like oh yeah, no, I know I am, Ijust keep wow I'm not and I was
going to say that for thelongest time I used and, like he
says, I'm smarter.
Okay, I have post-secondaryeducation whoop-dee-doo and I
(03:12):
can lift heavy things there yougo.
So um so many times I used thatas a weapon you did early on in
the relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
You're like I went to school, I'm like sweet, so did
I exactly and um, so I don'tthink you.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
I I think a marriage can work perfectly fine without
you both.
You know, if one is a doctorand some one's a janitor right,
exactly, or one's a stay-at-homedad and mom's a lawyer.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
I think that you can make that work, see what we've
seen in Hollywood and TV showslike even shows like the Big
Bang Theory.
I hate that show.
I know, but the main character,penny.
No, penny used to just date bigdumb jocks and then she ended
up dating a guy that was reallyreally smart, geeky, not
(04:05):
athletic, not very big andwell-built or anything like that
.
And then they broke up, I think, and she would be dating these
dumb guys and he would bewondering why.
I think that you have to findsomeone that matches you, like
whether or not it happened to bea guy that maybe he's a big
dumb jock I don't think there'sanyone that's out there that's
super dumb.
I mean, there probably is.
(04:27):
But what I mean is that you youwant to find the person across
from you that you're sittingwith, whether or not they're
academic.
They're not academic, they'reathletic, they're not athletic.
Whatever it is that's going tomatch you and who you are.
And you're intellectual, likethere's definitely things like
even in our relationship.
You're really smart when itcomes to medical things.
You've always have been.
You went to school, you didtraining, you were in the
(04:48):
medical field for quite a fewyears.
You've done all kinds.
I'm not very sharp in that, butI'm also sharp in other areas,
and so I think that what wematch in when it comes to
intelligence or intellectualthings.
Is that we there's?
There's a lot of things thatyou like that I think are stupid
, right, right, and maybe Idon't say it that way, maybe I
do, no, I don't think youarticulate it like that.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
I don't feel like you think.
I feel like you just know thatyou're going to be in for a
long-winded explanation.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
And like here's the truth, Like that opening that we
had, it is absolutely the truth.
It is 100% true, because I wantto engage with her in
conversation, because I love herand I care for her and I like
that she's happy with her dumbshows that she's watching.
I regret the moment I ask hey,which case are you watching now?
Because I literally just wantedto know what the name of it was
(05:38):
.
A one-line synopsis this guykilled blah blah, blah and that
be that.
But no, I actually get now thehistory of the killer, the
history of the lawyer, thehistory of the second lawyer,
the names of the third andfourth lawyers that are working
on the case, that are actuallynot even in the room, the
judge's shoe size.
I get all kinds of stuff and Ijust want to know what case and
(05:59):
literally what, what happened,and then tell me at the end what
the what, the final verdict waslike.
That's all I need to know.
But you will give me that longwinded response.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Exactly Now we'll.
We'll talk about that.
Okay, we're going to talk aboutthat to just piggy or not
piggyback.
But go back to your commentregarding being sort of like
intellectually compatible.
I think it can work if you arenot talking down yes to you
don't think you're superior tothe other one, right?
(06:31):
because they, you know, um, they, if you're a chef, that they,
they can't cook and then youlike, they're made to to feel
inferior because they, theymight not excel at cooking or
whatever it might be Right.
Yeah, so I think that thatsomeone I don't think you know,
two people who are accountantsare like best paired for each
(06:56):
other.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
No.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Do you know what I mean?
So I think it can work whereone one is an accountant and one
um works in a clothing store.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Do know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Like I think it doesn't have to be if we've seen
any.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
If you see anything, you see people of varying
intelligences, but becausepeople are usually intelligent
in a particular field, rightlike we have, we have couples
that one was a nail tech or asalon and they were an
electrician or a carpenter.
They're smart in the thingsthey're doing, but what they did
is they found a salon and theywere an electrician or a
carpenter.
They're smart in the thingsthey're doing, but what they did
is they found a way that they,too, can come connect with their
mind in a whatever way thathappened to be.
(07:31):
Now, even when we're talkingabout intellectual intimacy, we
should probably define a littlebit of what it is and really,
when you're it, it is literallythe the act of sharing ideas
with each other and discussionsthat actually bring about just
meaningful, valuable, helpful,funny, intense, deep, cerebral,
(07:54):
ethereal type conversations thatstimulate relationship between
you and your partner.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
That's right, and we were just talking about this the
other day, leading up to thisepisode.
And we were just talking aboutthis the other day.
Leading up to this episode, Ididn't realize, but it dawned on
me the not, maybe the intriguethat's probably not the right
word when it comes to like truecrime watching.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
How does Natalie relax folks?
She relaxes by watching truecrime.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
So there's something to be said about watching a
particularly violent, disturbingdisturbing case and having an
appreciation for choices thatI've made in my life that led
you down a different path.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
That led me down a different path, right and, or
looking at you, know you?
And just being so grateful thatI was as picky as I was
marrying you.
Do you know what I mean?
And it just it kind of itsparks conversation.
Right, so many so many times belike I cannot fathom, you know,
(09:10):
especially when it's casesinvolving children.
Um, those are really reallyreally hard on the one hand.
On the other hand, when you seesome of these cases roll
through, with women sufferingfrom postpartum as I have
suffered from postpartum butmade different choices in that
(09:33):
there's an.
It's horrific, but there'sthere's a, an empathy of I.
Had I not made the those, thedecisions that led me down the
path that I'm on, who's to saythat I would not have landed
where these women findthemselves, or these men, or
whoever?
Speaker 1 (09:51):
it might be, so it sparks conversation and
reflection on holy cow on holycow, like, aren't we all one,
one or multiple decisions awayfrom from a different outcome?
(10:11):
Yeah, that is true.
I think that when you're,you're looking, you're watching
the news or you're you're like,you see those channels.
I remember back in the old dayswhen they had uh, back in the
old days when man, I can'tbelieve I'm saying that, but
when they would have policeshows and it was like criminals
biggest blunders, or those arethe funny ones or the serious
ones.
You're like this is someone who, or they show the pictures of
someone before meth and thenaftermath.
(10:33):
You're like, man, I can't.
I'm so thankful for thedecisions that I was made, the
upbringing that I had, and itdoes.
It does bring that around.
But also, um, a lot of times,these things have sparked
conversation about how are wegoing to talk to our kids about
this, especially when they wereyounger, how we're going to talk
to our kids about thisparticular situation.
Or they heard something atschool oh, I heard this about
(10:54):
this family and you're like,yeah, that's actually true, this
is what happened and you haveto now.
It sparks opportunity.
So not only does it it, itbrings you two together, where
you're growing together becauseyou're having these deep
conversations and that actuallybrings about an ability to know
each other deeper and how youthink and how your thought
process, thought processes,think I can actually say things
(11:15):
like nat I know you're going tosay no to this and like even
today, our son is driving anhour away out of town and I said
said to you over the phone, youdidn't, you were nervous about
him driving from here to thatplace out of town.
And I said that's fair.
But I said I trust my son andit's your heart talking, or your
head knows it's true, but yourheart doesn't know the
(11:36):
difference.
And I can say to you I know youbut I've learned that over
conversations over us having tofight for our values together,
having to fight over I don'tmean fight as in we're angry at
each other.
I'm talking like we fight forthese things together.
And so we believe in our son,we trust in our son that he's
going to do that.
Your head is telling you, yes,I understand he's a good driver,
(11:58):
but your heart is being a mamaand it's being like, and so I
can say to you sweetie, I trusthim, you're, I trust him, you're
.
I understand where you are, Iunderstand this and here,
instead of what I would havedone in the old days, no, no, he
can just do it, it's onwhatever.
I don't care what your feelings,just go do it.
I was like no, no.
I understand, but I wouldn'thave got to that place of
understanding with you if I nothad to spend that time getting
to know that part of you you is.
(12:20):
You like these weird true crimethings, but that's just
something that sparksconversation and so 100 we're
talking about intellectualconversations.
It does like they.
I can say to anyone at work oh,natalie, I asked natalie about
a true crime podcast and they'dbe like oh, they know just that.
(12:40):
Like any one of your friendswould be like yeah, I know you
got the long answer, didn't you?
It's's like, yeah, like itpromotes growth for each of you,
because now you're havingconversations about things you
may never Exactly Not.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
I'm not talking.
I feel like I'm laying, not thetrue crime, no, but just Like.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Lay that aside because we've mentioned like it
has really sparked conversationsabout the kind of people that
we want to be, but alsodocumentaries and stupid things
we see and other podcasts thatyou're listening to really spark
conversations on communicationand conversations on dealing
with conflict and things likethat.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Like the hostage negotiator guy.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Oh yeah, Chris Voss.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Right, incredible Like.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
If you have not listened to his podcast, you
need to yeah, and the other onethat I talk about the Art of
manliness, but with Brett.
Oh man, just one of my favoritepodcasts.
It's so good, anyone justlisten to it.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Like podcasts and true crime, but I think those
are really great catalysts toopen up conversations.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
But what you're doing , though, is you're challenging
each other.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
You're challenging each other's thought processes.
Well, why do you think?
Like that especially if you'rewatching the news and then you
can discuss, like current eventswell did you like?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
here's?
Here's the thing.
Here's one of those.
A few years ago, when trump wonin 2016, there was a couple
that made the news all oversocial media because they had
only been dating for a shorttime.
They didn't know each other'spolitical affiliations.
Trump wins in 2016.
They were dating.
She broke up with him becausehe supported Trump, but she
didn't.
What do you get from notcommunicating and not engaging
(14:13):
with each other?
They were dating for asignificant amount of time, like
eight or nine months.
It was a relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
They must not have got to political views.
And actually, now that youmention that, I don't even think
we even chatted about.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Not before we were married.
No, we just assumed that wewere both on the same page.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Not really thinking about politics that much when
you're young no, but I mean tothat couple that was like being
able to know that that's a dealbreaker for you.
Yeah Right.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
But like.
I said you need to.
And here's the thing is thatoftentimes in our coaching I've
heard a couple say well, I justdon't know what to talk to her
about, or him about.
We have nothing to talk about.
I'm like are you kidding?
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Are you reading a book?
Chat about the book.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Were you reading the Bible?
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Chat about the Bible and, honestly, this is some of
the times when I know that if Iask Natalie how was your day,
I'm going to get a list ofthings of how your day was.
This happened with work and wehad this fun thing that happened
in my job and my boss said thisand it was a good day or it was
, it was a bad day and it waswhatever day it was.
It was, it was just it was.
(15:20):
But I'll get a list of thingsand Natalie will ask well, how
was your day?
Oh, it was good.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
That's not good enough.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
And I've learned over the years Natalie, you didn't
let me finish is that that's notgood enough?
She wants details as much as Idon't want to provide her
details because I'm like the daywas good, there was nothing out
of the ordinary to explain.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Exactly, but that doesn't like.
Part of this whole idea ofhaving intellectual intimacy is
bringing each other into eachother's worlds.
Right, right and it doesn'tmatter what we're doing, and if
the day was so boring, I don'tcare.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, and the thing is to that end, you don't care
about motorcycle things no youwant to care.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
I just have.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I know that you try to care, but I'll be like I'll
show her a bike that I think islike man, this motorcycle is so
nice, I love the handlebars.
Look at the size of that backtire.
And this thing is just got nicecurves.
And she looks at and she's like, yeah, it's okay.
Like, are you kidding me?
I need you to love this like Ido right now.
Like this is, this is the bikeI want to have when I'm an adult
, there is a bike if you say,harley, I'm going to be upset it
(16:32):
is not a harley.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
I think those things are ugly.
Sorry, uncle dan.
Um, I am very fond ofhondaadows.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
I have an old Honda Shadow I know, and I like your
bike.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Yeah, but was it the Phantom?
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Oh yeah, you like the Phantom.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
That is a really really nice bike.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
It is a very nice bike.
Not enough CCs for me, but it'sa nice bike.
I get it.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Matte black, and I'll just leave it at that.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
Matte, black, wow.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
People with that look like it.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
So we just wanted to give you some funny examples.
We've talked a little bit aboutthe things that we are weird
about in our relationship, likeit was music or motorcycles for
me.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
And these are like huge areas that we find common
ground in.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
We do now.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Because, though I'm musical, I hate going into the
music store.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
I know you do.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
It is the worst.
It is the worst.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
I noticed that you have a lot more patience for a
middle son.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Yes, and I do have patience for you Than you ever
did for me.
Is there a?
Speaker 1 (17:27):
reason for that.
I'd like to know.
Can we tell our listeners whyyou have more patience for our
middle son than the one youmarried first?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
I will tell the listeners that there is a.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
There's some sass on your face right now.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Marriage is sacrifice , wow.
And going to the music store isan act of sacrifice.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
But for my son.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
And I dislike going.
Even it's not.
I like the company I'm with, Ijust don't like the location.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Yeah, just like when our oldest starts talking to you
about computer parts.
You could sit there for half anhour and he pretty much and I
try to understand and he prettymuch just spoke Korean for the
last 30 minutes and you're like,oh man, that's awesome Sud.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
We're not going to have the same interest, and I
think that's what makes it fun.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
That definitely.
So we just want to get into ormaybe that you have gotten into,
but some couples might get intodeep debate about life over
coffee.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
You know I had a or deep debate about coffee yeah,
that's because I was a baristaand when, prior to us dating and
I fancied myself a coffeeconnoisseur, I knew where all
the coffees came from.
I knew their weird names.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Yeah, you did and all the, and I just wanted I didn't
actually really drink coffeeuntil a few years into us dating
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Or even to married Right.
It gave us something to talkabout, right.
Do you like coffee?
Well, I like coffee too.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
So here's what happened is I would go into
stores like coffee places and Iwould order usually just a black
coffee of some kind, because Iactually really like a nice dark
, roast black coffee.
She would order whatever weird,funny, fruity or sweet thing
that she would get.
It was always so much betterthan my black coffee.
So eventually over the years Ijust learned to that I'll just
(19:20):
have what she has, unless I knowthat I like whatever it is,
I'll just have what Natalie'shaving, because it's so much
better than whatever I'm goingto get.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
That's right.
So I mean whatever yourinterests are.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
It could be solving crossword puzzles, if that's a
thing for you, or playing videogames together.
That's a big thing.
There's a whole thing aboutgamer culture that's happening
in the world, or you?
Watch documentaries or I lovedocumentaries I know, not just
crime documentaries yeah, I lovedocumentaries I know you do.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
And not just crime documentaries.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Yeah, I love animal documentaries, see or like
here's one is you get intoarguments, playful, fun, joyous
arguments about who would win ina super fight.
A superhero would.
What superhero would win in afight.
Now, I've never done that withNatalie, but I have done that
with really good friends, manfriends.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Okay, so who do you think would win?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Over what?
Who's the Pick two superheroes?
I bet you they don't even comefrom the same universe.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Probably not.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
You probably will pick a DC and a Marvel one,
thinking they're from DC.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Oh gosh Pick one, spider-man and Venom.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Oh, why would you choose such a challenging one?
Because they have a whole comicbook series, many, many books
about.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Exactly, I think it would be Venom, personally, and
I agree, and Venom happens to bemy favorite anti-hero.
See, we don't even disagree.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
You've got to pick someone.
We disagree on Scarlet Witchversus Batman, or Scarlet
Scarlet, never mind, let's justmove on.
This is going to get weird.
What superhero that would beone thing.
Or maybe Natalie, mybrother-in-law me all the time.
The fact that I can just pickout an actor and I'll do this
now.
Oh yeah, that was for thisperson.
They played in the movie, andjeremy will make some snide cut.
(20:51):
Oh yeah, he was the key gripthat played with the second
director no one's ever heard of.
I just happen to rememberpeople's names that's right.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
That's why I'm good at that at church when, when
we're in a trivia game, um, thatknowledge is excellent.
Yeah, but rarely are we in atrivia game about that knowledge
is excellent.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yeah, but rarely are we at a trivia game about
actors' names.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
If we could be at a trivia game and if we were
playing like Trivial Pursuit,that would be really handy skill
.
Right and we would certainlyappreciate it at that point.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah, and I think that just what we're trying to
get to is that you need to finda way between the two of you.
And sometimes we've done thiswhen we're coaching.
It's like, look, you want to gohome and just play video games,
or you want to go home and justlisten to music, or you want to
go home and set out in yourshop, whatever it is.
She wants you to, and this islike I'm talking from a guy and
(21:44):
a girl point of view.
She wants you to tell you aboutyour day, what did you do, the
things that happen, what areyour hopes and dreams.
And the truth is, ladies,sometimes when you ask us what
are you thinking about, itgenuinely is nothing.
We're not thinking aboutanything.
We were thinking about anythingand if it was, it was gonna be
something trivial.
Like man, why does the pedalstick on my car like I can't?
(22:06):
What is a door handle?
A little bit jiggly, like dumbthings like that.
It's not like we're thinkingabout the meaning of life or
that whole dumb thing that camearound for a little while.
We're thinking about the romanempire.
Do you know when?
This is my personal frustrationwith that whole trend.
Do you know when we werethinking about the roman empire,
when some moron came up andsaid were you thinking about the
roman empire?
Then you're.
Now I am.
(22:26):
I wasn't Never once thoughtabout that my entire life before
that.
There's no need to.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Well, thank goodness that we just don't care about
the Roman Empire.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
It was not something that was worth talking about,
but what I'm saying is that youneed to find a way between the
two of you to cultivatesomething that you both want to
work on together, to talk abouttogether, to engage in together,
to work through together, andthere's nowhere in the manual of
(23:03):
any kind of manual that saysyou have to have the exact same
likes, dislikes, interests,hobbies, opinions.
In fact, it's better when youdon't.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
I think it's more exciting when you can come
together.
So many of our like our DIYprojects.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
We've had so many laughs with my measurements and
a furniture or we're paintingsomething.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I feel like I get PTSD when we talk about your
measuring.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Just to move on quickly.
No, no, no, no, no.
I think we need to pause.
I just think that.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
And we need to talk about the bureau that I brought
home, that you measured andthought was going to fit, and
hung out the back of the car twofeet that's right and I had to
get the strap from the guy thatsold it to me, because his wife
did the exact same thing andthat guy where he got the strap
was the other guy that had had.
That happened to him and I camehome in a car that beeped all
the way on me because youmeasured two feet wrong yeah it
(24:06):
was impressive.
I.
But boy, did it spark aconversation when you came home
and we could laugh about it, andhere's the value that we
learned from that people is thatI do all the measuring.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
All of it.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Right, but.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
And the percentages off of discounts.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
I think you know that meme.
Girl Maps when the person'smeasuring with their hands and
then they they carry their handsfrom what they were measuring
to the new piece.
That may be me and it keeps itexciting as soon as I say I
found this thing online.
(24:44):
His brian's like he's turnedoff the tv boy.
Do I get his attention reallyquickly?
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yeah, when she walks by me with a tape measure, I'm
like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoawhat's going on?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Why is there a tape measure?
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Or when you have your hands six inches apart and
you're walking with them.
Rigid, that's right.
What we're saying is that thesethings are important for your
relationship.
To find the things that sparkconversation, that spark
challenging each other, thathelp you think about opinions
and perspectives, right.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
It helps deepen that emotional bond.
We talked last time aboutemotional yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Two, two episodes ago , but emotional intimacy yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Right, this just helps deepen that bond that you
have Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
And so there, there, you've heard a lot about our,
some of our story here, and thenis I think that what we want to
say is just if you'restruggling to find something to
to communicate about, to talkabout, to your finding, maybe
there's just a lull inconversation.
It could literally be anythingthat sparks interest in it.
And actually, just, even if youhave to pretend for a little
(25:48):
while, Yep Share ideas.
I think that is just as basic asyou can get or share, even
share a dream that you have,Like, hey, I really want to go
to Ireland before I'm 35.
Right, I mean, I'm way olderthan that.
But I'm just saying, like,whatever your dream is, I
actually really want to go standon the Great Wall of China, or
I really want to go swim withsharks, whatever that.
But if you're struggling withthat communication, just work it
(26:12):
out together, but don't quit,because it got a little bit too
too hard and you're just you'vegot into the pattern of well,
we're not going to communicateanyway, so I'm not going to push
forward with it.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
And there's.
There's a sort of a dominoeffect.
When you are sharing ideas,then you're learning together,
which promotes engagingconversations.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Right.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
That might bring up some differing of opinions and
interests, but it provides you away to work through that.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Helps keep the relationship, in my opinion,
really exciting One, because you, I don't think, know what I'm
going to say at any given point,and vice versa I don't know
what you're going to say or whatidea you're going to bring up.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
And so I can always tell by tone and how you start
the conversation, like wheneveryou say so, I know that
something weird is about tohappen.
I know that it's coming.
I don't know what it's going tobe, but I just know by tone
that you're going to saysomething unpredictable.
Or we should try this, or Ithink we should do this.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
But you know what?
What it does for both of usbecause you, you also do the
same thing.
It it helps us adapt to changeRight.
I don't want to be the sameperson with the same routine,
even though I love my routine.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
I don't want to still be doing the same things year
after year after year.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
Yeah, right, that's fair.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Right, so I think you can have fun with it.
It doesn't have to be so hoitytoity and smarty smarty.
I think it can just be as basic.
As I read this book, I saw thisquote and having that as a
starting point.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
I read or I listened to a podcast again on the art of
manliness one of my favoritepodcasts and he had a gentleman
on that talked about.
He tracked the ways of supercommunicators what he called
were super communicators, and hesaid the biggest difference
with every person he evercommunicated with that was what
(28:18):
was called a super communicatorwas they asked more questions?
And so, whatever conversationis, because I'm a pastor, I want
to know what's happening inpeople's lives and what's going
on.
Do with my kids, do withNatalie.
So I ask questions Well, whatabout this?
Or how did that happen?
Or man, that sounds really cool, tell me about that.
And with some of you do thatyou open like an open-ended
question like, hey, how was yourday?
(28:40):
Whatever you're going to ask,if you ask it in such a way that
there's actually a reason toanswer, then when you give the
answer it can actually beexpanded on and you have
something to talk about.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Yeah, but you just ask questions.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Ask questions like just ask lots of questions.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Yeah, that's a great way.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
Right, and that's just the way that some people
are just super communicatorswith certain things, and so I
think that, if you don't knowagain, just spark a conversation
, ask a question how was yourday?
Tell me about your day, open upthe question a little bit more.
Hey, what is one thing todaythat you really liked or really
didn't like?
What went right, what wentwrong, whatever that may be
(29:17):
right, like, and there's acertain way, just engage each
other, yeah.
In some fun and quirky thingsthat you are interested,
interested in.
Get off your phones and get onno, that's.
I can't say that that'sinappropriate.
Get off your phones, spend timewith each other asking
questions, all right.
If you enjoy our podcast, ifyou want to share it with people
(29:43):
, that means a great deal to us.
It means a lot when you do that.
But you can follow us onInstagram and on Facebook.
If you have any questions ortopic or anything you would like
us to discuss, please email usat amplifiedmarriage at gmailcom
.
And, as you have heard us saymany times, we believe that your
marriage can be reset,refreshed recharged and restored
(30:04):
.
Thanks for listening.
Speaker 2 (30:05):
Talk to you soon, you .
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