December 7, 2023 • 43 mins
Ever asked yourself, "What's the real cost of addiction?" In this first part of a two-episode conversation on Amplified Voices, special guest Brittany LaMarr helps us tackle this complex question head-on as she shares her compelling journey through addiction and recovery.
Brittany, a Connecticut native, candidly unveils the trials and tribulations of her life, starting with the early exposure to her father's addiction and subsequent incarceration. The impact of these experiences on her life choices forms the crux of our discussions. Brittany gives the listener raw insight into her high school days, the beginnings of substance abuse, and the pivotal point that led her behind bars at just 22. Her personal revelations serve as a potent reminder of the need to challenge addiction stigma and advocate for alternatives to incarceration.
Brittany shares not just the pains of addiction, but also the harsh reality of survival and the uphill battle for recovery. Listen as she recounts the dehumanizing experience within prison walls and the road to recovery, constantly hindered by the lack of resources and support. This episode is more than just a conversation; it's a call to action to address systemic inadequacies and the urgent need for change. So, tune in and join us on this journey of revelation, resilience, and hope.
About Brittany:
Brittany is a determined advocate for human rights, youth justice, and legal policy reforms at the state, national, and international level. She has worked as a Justice Advisor for CTJA since 2021.
She holds a B.A. in Political Science from the University of Connecticut, and she is currently pursuing a J.D and Masters in Public Policy at UConn. Brittany personifies the power of education as an alum of Yale Law School’s Access to Law Fellowship and a Frederic Bastiat Fellow of the Mercatus Center at George Mason University.
Brittany brings her unique blend of lived experience and scholarship to her many leadership roles; she serves as Project Manager of the Juvenile Justice Policy and Oversight Committee with the Tow Youth Justice Institute, Smart Justice Leader with the ACLU of Connecticut, International Justice Exchange Project lead with the Institute of Municipal and Regional Policy, a member of the New England Commission on the Future of Higher Education in Prison, and Assistant Director of the National Prison Debate League.
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Episode Transcript
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Intro Voice (00:00):
Everyone has a voice, a story to tell.
Some are marginalized and muted.
What if there were a way toamplify those stories, to have
conversations with real peoplein real communities, a way to
help them step into the power oftheir lived experience?
Welcome to Amplified Voices, apodcast lifting the experiences
(00:23):
of people and families impactedby the criminal legal system.
Together, we can createpositive change for everyone.
Jason (00:33):
Hello and welcome to another episode of Amplified
Voices.
I'm your host, jason, here withmy co-host, amber.
Good morning, amber.
Amber (00:40):
Good morning Jason.
Jason (00:42):
And today we have Brittany.
Good morning Brittany.
Brittany (00:45):
Good morning.
Jason (00:47):
So, brittany, we start with the same first question,
which is could you tell us alittle bit about your life
before you entered the criminallegal system and what brought
you into it?
Brittany (00:58):
Sure, so my 22 years of life before my incarceration
was?
You know it was, let's see, I'dsay my 22 years of life prior
to incarceration had a lot goingon.
I wasn't all safe, yeah, Ididn't have any to start.
Jason (01:19):
Where did you grow up?
What state did you grow up in?
Brittany (01:22):
Connecticut, connecticut.
Jason (01:24):
You grew up in Connecticut Still in Connecticut
.
Did you have a traditionalfamily unit a mother, father,
siblings?
Brittany (01:33):
Yeah, so I am the middle child.
I guess you know.
I hope it's not things that aretypical, but I am the middle
child.
I have an older sister and ayounger sister.
My mother was a single mother.
I had a father who through likethe first maybe seven years of
my life, he was around andpresent but due to his own
(01:55):
battle with alcoholism andaddiction, he was constantly in
and out of the criminal legalsystem.
So I spent several years of mylife visiting him, and you know
many of the prisons here inConnecticut.
Jason (02:07):
How old were you the first time you went into a
prison as a visitor?
Intro Voice (02:12):
Five.
Jason (02:13):
Do you remember what that was like?
Brittany (02:16):
No, because these weren't things that we talked
about in my house, so thiswasn't an issue.
These are sort of things that,like you know, you didn't ask
about.
You just like, keep moving, andthat's how I was raised with,
like, my mother.
It's like you just got to keepworking hard, go to school,
focus on soccer, don't think,don't feel, just, you know, move
(02:38):
through life and do what youneed to do to be successful.
And so I think that's a greatthing and I think that's what I
really need to do to besuccessful.
And so these were all likethese issues, the elephant in
the room remained.
You know, my entire life untilyou know, I just continued to
internalize things that I didn'tunderstand in those questions
like, why is he not around?
(03:00):
Why don't you just stop, like,why don't you?
You know these sort of thingsand my whole sort of life I've
been, I don't know.
I'm just a huge empath where,like, I just like feel I can put
myself in a position and I canlike feel those feelings at
which someone else is suffering,and that's hard to deal with
when I can, although, like othermembers of my family would see
(03:24):
someone who's just making baddecisions and, you know, sort of
creating a life that theydeserve because they're making
bad decisions, where I seesomeone who's alone, who's
suffering, who's in need of help, who can't get out of their own
way, and so that draws me.
I don't know how to deal withthose.
I didn't know how to deal withthose emotions when I'm
surrounded by people who don'tspeak about them, who don't
(03:46):
acknowledge them or who I don'tsee also feeling those feelings
for my father, there's adisconnect between what you're
feeling and what's beingexpressed around you by the rest
of your family.
Right.
Jason (04:00):
Yeah, and as you're going through, were you a good.
You said you mentioned soccer.
So was soccer was your thingfrom a young age.
Brittany (04:09):
Yeah, soccer was my, you know, sort of my outlet for
a very long time in, you know,up through high school and into
college.
It sort of, you know issuestook place, you know, following
my senior year.
But up and through then I usedto play for Premier League here
in Connecticut and, you know,travel the country playing.
We won a couple of statechampionships and all state
(04:32):
soccer.
Jason (04:33):
So you were good.
It was not just like oh, I'mback to playing now.
Brittany (04:36):
I'm back to playing now, but, yeah, I know it was
definitely a big passion of mine, but it was, you know, after my
senior year, once the seasonended and I was first introduced
to drugs in marijuana and thosesort of things that I was kept
away from for a while, where Ifound a much faster solution to,
(04:57):
you know, not feeling things,yeah, and so, yeah, that sort of
outlet switched real fast forme.
Jason (05:07):
So soccer kind of was doing that for you, but it was
not as quick a escape, is that?
Brittany (05:15):
Yeah, and I ended up being only like a couple of
times a week in and out ofseasons.
Yeah, it definitely wasn't asustainable solution to dealing
with a lot of the feelings thatI have just never dealt with.
I mean, and I battled in termsof trying to figure out how to
deal with those feelings invarious different negative ways
(05:37):
at which I'm just looking for away to feel something, and that
was throughout high school andthen ultimately, you know, it
was drugs that provided that forme.
Jason (05:50):
Were your sisters using any type of escape mechanism,
mechanisms like that, or wereyou the only one in your family
and it kind of felt isolatingbecause of that?
Brittany (06:03):
Yeah, no, that's 100%.
I very much felt alone in allof this.
I'm sort of the only one who'shad this tumultuous path.
The other two have, you know,maintained that normal for
whatever normal is, thattrajectory of what you do in
life and college and get a joband raise a family and those
(06:27):
sorts of things, and I was justsort of lost and yeah, and so,
brittany, I have a couplequestions for you.
Amber (06:36):
So when you were in school and you were doing soccer
, what did you enjoy academics?
Did you have like a favoritesubject, something you were
drawn to, and what did you studywhen you went into college?
Brittany (06:51):
Oh, I mean in high school it was real.
It's not that I was interested,but it's something my mother
very much impresses upon, likeall of us.
It's something that you knowshe feels is like the path up,
and so she very much is like youneed an education, you need an
education.
So that was instilled in me.
(07:12):
So I went to school becausethat's sort of what I was raised
to do.
At the time I didn't have muchinterest in it, but I at the
time I don't know that I washalf of us, brittany, I don't
know that I ever had thecapacity I don't know that I
ever had the capacity untilwhere I am now to sort of
(07:33):
explore interest or wasinterested in trying to figure.
I feel like I was still stuck atthat mazl's hierarchy of needs
at first level, where I'm justlike trying to figure out how to
survive life, where I wasn'tyet thinking about like how,
what I'm interested in or what Ifeel, because I couldn't get
(07:53):
out of like my own, my ownfeelings, to be connected to
something I was like thenpassionate about.
And so I did well in school,very much just did what I had to
do to get by, and it still gotme good grades.
It wasn't until like thatsecond half of my senior year
where I went from like all seeathletes, I think what was I had
(08:17):
like two superlatives and itwas either and we only got one
in the yearbook because youcould only get one, but it was
least likely to be in class andlike most likely to leave school
early or something like those.
It's just so you know there's alot to show there.
Like that says a lot to be from, like where I was, you know,
(08:39):
for the first three and a halfyears of high school and then
that to be how I end, whereteachers are like just write
this papers, you can graduate alot I mean drugs in those six
months that you know it shouldhave been very quick.
Something was not right.
Jason (08:56):
Did your mother know what was going on?
Brittany (09:00):
No, because she worked full time.
She has a very intense jobherself and so she works 40 to
60 hours a week and, like I said, it was just her.
So left to our own devices.
My sisters very much did whatthey had to do, but it wasn't
long until like after I wasintroduced to marijuana and
(09:22):
alcohol.
That that's what I was doingbefore school with my friends.
They would go to school, Iwould just wait home and they'd
come back around once schoolended and we'd smoke again and I
would be drinking all day tillthey came and they sort of just
if I went to school like mywater bottle was full of wine.
There's stuff like that, like Ijust very much was an everyday
(09:43):
thing for me immediately.
Jason (09:45):
And as you're doing this, you know you're talking about
your feelings.
Did shame play a role at thisstage in your life?
Brittany (09:53):
No, no, because it wasn't anything like that was
talked to.
I didn't know anything aboutaddiction.
I didn't know that that was athing.
In fact, in elementary school Iwon the dare contest with my
essay.
So, like I, you know it's, it'sI don't know, but I didn't
nobody talked about it.
Other kids in high school weredrinking and smoking.
(10:15):
For some reason they could keeptheir lives together and they
could function and get to school.
But for me it was.
I did.
I didn't yet have that.
That line of like.
What I'm doing is differentthan other people.
Just yet.
Amber (10:28):
Yeah, um well you're a kid, yeah, so I mean, I think
you bring up some reallyinteresting points in terms of
like how different peoplerespond to different things.
Right, and so to for likeoutside, looking in, when people
are like, well, you know, Ididn't respond in this way and
(10:50):
so you know there's somethingwrong with that person.
That's just like goes againstlike the complexity of humanity
and how different we all are.
And did you find that therewere, was anyone in your life
that, like a teacher or a friend, that noticed what was going on
(11:12):
and may have been able to saysort of hey, or were you just at
a point where you were like I'minvincible.
You know, at that age we'relike I'm invincible, I'm doing
what I'm doing and nobody cantell me anything.
Brittany (11:27):
I don't know that, but there wasn't certainly anyone
at school.
I'm always, I was always, sinceI am a very private person, so
this is like bigger for me to tobe doing this, but because
that's sort of how I was raisedright, you don't talk about like
yourself, you don't talk aboutwhat's going on in the house,
(11:47):
you don't talk about things likeyou're just.
You know, it was very much sortof like a business oriented life
that I was brought up in.
But I had one really closefriend and you know he was like
(12:10):
we did everything together everyday and but he was also, I
think, you know, maybe had someinternal struggles of his own,
which is why you know weconnected so well we, you know
(12:33):
it was one of, though it waslike a brother, I mean that I
was with every day morning afterschool.
I mean people referred to us aslike one name, yeah and so, but
again, that wasn't someone.
I think that would have been.
You know, that was sort ofsomeone like it was like a fire
(12:54):
to the gasoline right, and so hewas dealing with his own right
on situation, you know hey,bread these.
Jason (13:02):
So yeah, you're getting really emotional and I don't
under.
I don't understand why.
So what?
What's going on?
What are you thinking about?
Brittany (13:13):
yeah.
So I mean, here I am today,you're having this conversation
with you, you know, and a yearand a half ago he passed away
because he never survivedaddiction and so we both had our
own paths.
(13:34):
And it's just hard because Iunderstand that addiction is a
disease and what, what drives it, and ultimately it's someone
who's suffering, who needs, whoneeds help, right and we okay,
(13:59):
so what can, what can we doright now to honor him?
It's hard because I think I'mstill trying to figure out how
to.
I'm still trying to practiceany coping skills that I learned
.
Intro Voice (14:15):
Sure.
Brittany (14:15):
Clearly, I've never fully dealt with these things
and so I think, doing what we'redoing, doing what you all are
doing, and giving a voice andgiving a platform for real life
stories that demonstrate thatpeople who are struggling with
addiction shouldn't be cast offyou can't incarcerate your way
(14:36):
out of this problem.
I mean, he ended upincarcerated himself, got out,
like those sort of things.
This issue still takes placewithin prison facilities.
Prisons aren't the answer forsomeone who's struggling with
addiction, and that was.
It's made very clear that.
Jason (14:55):
So your addiction and struggles with substances began
in the high school years and youwere in college.
You said 22 was when you wereincarcerated, Right?
So how did it escalate fromskipping classes, playing soccer
(15:18):
, then going I guess not in thatorder, but going to college and
then somehow ending upincarcerated?
Brittany (15:27):
Yeah, I mean.
So I graduated in 2009 andbecause my best friend, who I
was just speaking up, got into aschool in Connecticut I had
gotten in a couple out of statebut I very much just went where
he was going and so we bothstarted at Eastern Connecticut
State University and the firstsemester I was on Dean's List.
(15:49):
I was doing well, involved inBig Brother, big Sister, because
there was always this part ofme, as I led in this
conversation, as an empath, sothere was always something
driving me to be connected tosomething larger than myself, do
something for others, helpothers.
So I unfortunately did not playsoccer.
(16:13):
I could not pass the drug testand this was just marijuana at
the time, but I couldn't evenstop smoking marijuana to pass a
drug test to play soccer incollege.
And so I did well.
My first semester but theninvolved in the college
atmosphere, was drinking, goingout with friends, having fun.
(16:34):
But for me, none of this was togo out and party.
For me, this was like I feltgood inside and like I was just
like because I was okay, likewhen I drank and smoked.
It wasn't like I was like oneof those people who was like I
was having a good time, rightand happy, but for me it just
(16:57):
put me at a level where I waslike felt okay to one be around
people, one be okay with myselfinside my own body.
It was like a time at which Ijust felt, you know, up to like
a normal standard, right, yeah,right.
Amber (17:13):
Like something that you needed to function in the world
Exactly.
Jason (17:17):
Exactly, but did you feel like, over time, you weren't
getting the same benefit fromthe same amount, so that you had
to up the ante?
Is that, is that part of yourjourney?
Brittany (17:28):
Yeah, no, the drinking and smoking definitely doubled
and tripled.
And again this it was the samestory in college, because then
it was the second semester thata very close friend of mine from
home passed away in a drinkingand driving accident and it was
(17:52):
with a group of friends at homeduring, you know, this time of
like coping and the memorial andthe funeral, while I was
introduced to opiates and that'swhen you know, the spiral sort
of exasperated.
And at the time again, I stillwasn't aware that I I still
didn't have an acknowledgementthat there was any problem.
(18:13):
Right, I was using, you know,opiates, pills, parasites, those
sort of things, and but alsowasn't doing this with friends
at college.
So you know, it didn't ring abell to me.
But this was also something Ikept separate from all my
friends at school.
It's like I would go home, uselike pick up, come to school,
(18:35):
like, and I would still bedrinking and smoking with them,
but nobody knew that I was alsodoing this like on the side,
like in my bedroom alone, andthen like hanging out with
people.
So this was very much done inisolation.
And then it was six months oflike doing that, where I was
like, yeah, maybe something likeI need to stop, and I also
(18:57):
wasn't aware that in trying tostop I would get physically sick
Like I.
Just I had no idea aboutaddiction and so I was.
Jason (19:05):
While you're going through this, do you feel, did
you feel very much alone?
Or did you have, did you have,friends that you were really
close with?
Or I mean, what was, what wasthat for you?
Brittany (19:17):
So the one friend who had introduced it to me at home,
and then my friend that I wasI've been speaking about through
and through, who was, you know,with me at college, he sort of
knew but wasn't interested in ityet, and not that I was pushing
it on him, but, like you know,wasn't asking about it.
Like it was, you know, one ofthe you.
Just we didn't talk about it, Ijust went and did it and then
(19:38):
would show back up around peopleand that sort of thing.
But about like six months afterthat, when I was like like I
can't stop, I need to figuresomething out, I joined the
National Guard.
And that's when I had joinedthe army and went to basic
training in Missouri for sixmonths, came out like the top
(19:59):
seven of that class, came backand was soldier of the year for
the next two years in the ArmyCorps of Engineers, then 2011
and 2012.
But then coming home and beingaround the same people with the
same undoubt with issues.
It was only a month until I wasintroduced to heroin, because
those people had switched overto, you know, from from using
(20:22):
pills to heroin and that was awhole different beast.
That's a whole nother level thatI hadn't acknowledged how
serious it was, because, again,I didn't know that this was one
of those things that, like, Ican't just stop when I don't
want to do it, I'm going to bethrowing up, I'm going to be
(20:43):
like physically ill, it's to thepoint where I can't function,
because there were dates likewhere I would be like, all right
, I'll just go up and, you know,go to class and go to work, and
you can't if you don't use.
I mean, you just can't, youphysically can't, your body is
so severely ill when you don'tuse.
And so that's how, around 2012is when I also, you know,
(21:13):
officially dropped out of schooland moved back home and
couldn't keep a job at thatpoint, got arrested at my first
job because I had drugs fell outof my pocket and, you know, at
the restaurant I was working at,and they called the cops.
So that was my first possessioncharge.
Then it but I guess pause thatI had two DUIs in college before
(21:36):
then, and so it starts with DUI, then it's possession charges
and following those, it waswithin a year and a half time
span or I had wrapped up maybeeight felonies.
Jason (21:48):
Wait wait EIGHT Say again .
Brittany (21:54):
EIGHT, yes, eight, okay, yes, so, and in that time
I had gotten in a relationshipwith someone who was my friend
through high school and I hadgone off to college.
He had sort of hit that roughpatch in the road much sooner
(22:17):
than I did from using, and so Ihad gone to, you know,
experience his own time withincarceration and doing what you
have to do, or doing what somepeople do to sustain their
addiction.
And so, nonetheless, when Imoved back home and we linked up
, so so hang on a second.
Jason (22:39):
So earlier on, you told us your sisters and your mother
had no concept of what was goingon with your youth, right?
And now you're coming back homeafter dropping out of college,
right, and you've got seriousaddictions.
(23:01):
At this point, is it still asecret?
Brittany (23:05):
It's not spoken of.
People know, but this again,it's not like there's an
intervention, it's not likenobody, nobody's speaking about
it.
My, you know, my mother wouldmake comments like you know.
you just need to choose not tobe a piece of shit like.
Make the choice and dosomething better with yourself.
(23:26):
The only times where it waslike I recall it being blatantly
addressed is like when I, youknow, was so high it'd be like
falling asleep, like in a chairor standing up and that sort of
stuff where, like, she wouldactually acknowledge something,
but otherwise it was like don'tsee it, don't talk about it, and
(23:47):
how did that show?
Jason (23:48):
figure it out?
How did that affect?
How did that affect you?
I mean, did you what was?
How did that affect?
Brittany (24:00):
I don't know.
I think one allowed me a safeplace to go through what I was
going through.
It also like I was living in aplace where, like I knew I
needed to be better, I wanted tobe better, but I just couldn't
get out of my own way.
(24:20):
So for a while it kept me fromliving on the streets and being
put in more dangerous situationsand so, in a way, it could have
been a boundary at whichprovided some safety.
But I don't know, I think itstill also kept me in a place at
(24:43):
which, like I felt the shameand the guilt and like knew that
like I needed to do more, Ineeded to be better, I needed to
stop and I would tell me forthe last I would say for the
last that year and a half, sinceI had moved home, using was not
something I wanted to do.
I mean, I went to detox, I wentto rehab multiple times.
(25:04):
One of those my mom, you know,sent me to California to rehab,
but I left in 24 hours and itwas like I can't do this and
just like, walked down thestreet, called him from a
laundry mat.
It was like I left.
Amber (25:18):
And so, yeah, brittany, I mean, I think you're
highlighting something thatpeople who are not familiar with
addiction, and particularlyopioid addiction, you know, have
this perception.
Well, if somebody just wantedto stop, like they had a desire
(25:38):
to change, then they just would,and what you're describing is a
very, very difficult, bothphysical and emotional, journey
Is.
Does that feel right?
Brittany (25:53):
Yeah, no, using was not something I wanted to do.
I wasn't even getting highanymore For the last two years,
I was just not getting sick.
So it was like I need to justlike you so I can get to work
and then or I can get to youknow, live, I can show up for my
sister.
She needs me to like watch herkid for a couple hours.
(26:14):
I can be there for somebody assmall as those responsibilities
were at the time and limitedbecause of what I had done to my
situation at the time.
But it was really just a meansto like function.
And when you don't haveemployment to provide, you know,
(26:34):
for money, for drugs and thosesorts of things you know, you
look to alternative ways to getfunding, just so you can not be
sick, so you can function.
And that's sort of what led meto the charges in which I was
incarcerated for, and that wasthose are burglaries, that's,
stealing and selling things formoney.
(26:56):
So I could use to then try andfunction in a world at which I
was still very lost in.
Amber (27:05):
And so let's unpack just a little bit.
You mentioned that you knowthere were multiple charges, so
when that happened, did youspend like short stints away and
then come back?
Let's.
Let's talk a little bit aboutlike how all of that panned out.
Brittany (27:24):
Sure.
So the the possessions I had tothe two do us two possessions.
None of those led toincarceration.
I was out on on a very smallbond for those.
Well, some of them had beenfinished and nonetheless none of
those led to any time having togo to York and then, you know,
(27:45):
maybe be bonded out.
The burglaries were committed inthe span of a month and within
a month I had I showed up tocourt for one of my possession
cases and a warrant was alsoissued for my arrest.
So I was taken from court thatday, very much, you know,
unaware that that was happening,and so I.
(28:07):
The bond was extremely high, itwas $750,000 for a Berkeley
third, and at this I called mymom.
She's like there's nothing Ican do, like I can't put my
house up, I can't, like it'sstill not enough money.
So and I just couldn't.
In, my partner at the time, whoI had said I had gone to prison
(28:30):
for some of these things before, was very blown away if I high,
high, how high that bond wasfor a charge like this, and so I
went to York that night.
I was sick the entire bus rideup to the prison, vomiting,
chills, fever, all of that.
Jason (28:48):
So hang on.
You're 22 years old, right?
You're 22 years old.
You're sick beyond belief,don't know when you're going to
get to to be able to getsomething to make you feel
better physically again, goinginto a prison situation where
(29:12):
you have no idea what's facingyou.
And you're again, you're 22.
I can only imagine what the howyou're feeling in terms of just
anxiety at that point.
Brittany (29:27):
Yeah, and a lot of.
I mean yeah, the anxiety wasthere.
I was.
I had totally no idea because,you know, I didn't function with
any knowledge or notion orthought about what consequences
would be.
I was just trying to survive.
So I wasn't sitting theresaying, okay, well, a birdie
carries, you know this, manyminimum years and you know this
(29:51):
is what would happen to me if Ido this like that never crossed
my mind, right?
I never thought aboutconsequences before any of the
things that I did, because theywere done out of like.
For me it was a matter ofsurvival.
It was not a matter of ofchoice.
Like I had done a lot of likesmaller crazy things to get
(30:13):
money and term you know thebottle cans are cashing in
change like all those stupidthings to get money where it's
like, doing something like thiswas like a last, my last, like
option, and I definitely wasn'tdone because I was sitting there
saying I have other options andso it was okay, like there's
(30:37):
nothing, there's no other wayfor me to get money, to not be
sick right now, and I have to doit like within this amount of
time where I will be sick in thenext three hours, like it's.
It's just such a horrible life,it's just so.
It's just a horrible way tolive.
I mean to just go through lifetrying to find a way to survive.
Amber (31:02):
Yeah certain level of desperation and survival that
did not allow for clear thinking.
Brittany (31:10):
Right and before so that anxiety that you speak of.
Yeah, I had no idea what I wasin store for because I never
thought about what would like atthat point.
Like I didn't care, likewhatever I get a rest, like I
just need to not be sick, right,right.
Jason (31:27):
So before you go too much for a rest, or I just I don't
know how many people have saidthis to you, but I'm sorry you
went through all that and I'msorry that there wasn't help for
you sooner, before it turnedinto feeling like you had to
steal to survive, feeling likeyou had no other option, and I'm
(31:52):
sorry that that happened to youand that the systems aren't in
place to catch it, catch you andbe there and hug you and tell
you this is, everything's gonnabe okay, and somehow figure out
how to help you.
Amber (32:06):
So you know what?
100%, 100%.
So, Brittany, when you're sortof so sick, you're on your way.
You don't know what's gonnahappen, what happens when you
get there.
Brittany (32:26):
You go through the entire dehumanizing process of
what entry into a prisonfacility is, and so I don't know
if we get into detail of whatthat entails.
But right aside from once youenter and you're just in a
holding cell in my anxiety justlike skyrockets Once I'm locked
(32:49):
in a room and realize like I amtotally at the like, at the
discretion of somebody else,allowing me to move, allowing me
to like, I started gettingthose feelings of what's the
word Clostrophobia?
(33:10):
Yes, yes, yes, I guessextremely claustrophobic,
because there's not like,there's no like open windows.
There's a lot of people in thisroom.
I'm like my skin feels likeit's burning and like I don't
feel like I have air and there'sno, I have no idea when these
people are gonna open a dooragain.
(33:32):
It's extremely scary and myanxiety was really bad.
Once you are totally, I startedto realize like I am in a
situation in which I have lostall of my freedom, like my
freedom to move, my freedom todo anything, and all I wanted to
do was call home and call mymom, and that's not a thing.
(33:53):
And then you go and you, youknow, your name turns into a
number, so you become a numberand then from that number you
get, you know, put into a showerwhere you're naked and then
just become a body with a number, and then you go and you sit in
another room waiting to beprocessed.
So you're, in seconds, anyidentity that you had is
(34:16):
stripped of you and you areimmediately put in a place in
which you have lost, like, allof your humanity.
And then you and so I'm sittingin that room again, the anxiety
of like just waiting and peoplepassing a room and you have no
idea when you're ever gonna belet out of it.
And so you get seen by a nurse,but again I was sick all night.
(34:40):
It wasn't until the next morningthat I, I was it.
It was the next morning wherethe nurse, or whatever they'll
give methadone, and so I wasable to get that.
(35:01):
Halfway through the day, my, Idid get a and I was just.
I was like, are you okay?
And when I first came, it backto fathom.
Jason (35:14):
I was really sick all the time I'm like well, I'm fine.
Sorry, how did it the first?
Brittany (35:22):
time and then stuff, just like a lot of this is blur.
It's completely okay, but howcould it possibly not be crystal
clear to you the condition thatyou went in?
Once I went to court again andthen I was.
I went home that first time butit was and so I then went into,
(35:46):
checked myself into a rehab andit was through that process
that many of the other warrantscame out and the other towns had
talked like crimes, lookedsimilar.
I very much did not do theselike with any sort of level of
criminal intelligence.
It was very much like it'sdefinitely this person that did
(36:08):
it and then once, like you know,dna and stuff came back.
It was, you know, I very muchwasn't in secret in doing any of
this, so a lot of it was, whichI think even makes very much
like very clear that these wereacts of desperation.
There's were unplanned likeunthoughtful, you know, crimes
(36:31):
of opportunity that harmed otherpeople, physically, harmed
myself, you know, caused a lotof damage at which there was
like I just was not in a placeto grasp the entirety of what
was happening To me.
I just saw the end goal, whichwas like using within the hour,
(36:53):
like you know, and so,nonetheless, as multiple
warrants come out, I have to Iwent into a program and then
from that program I went to alonger program.
So I tried to sort of createthis trajectory of like sobriety
(37:13):
and get on this path of youknow, I don't know finding
myself, I guess, or sobriety Idon't even know that.
I knew that.
I didn't know myself.
I think I just needed to learnhow to not use.
And so I was in programs for awhile.
(37:34):
But in the process, as I said, Ibelieve it was four or five
other warrants had come out forlike that one month at which I
was like committing these crimesRight, and so I had an attorney
at that point, and so it wasplanned show up at this police
department, turn yourself in.
You know, we hope that thejudge is okay with like you
(37:57):
remaining on house arrest with abracelet and in being unbonded.
And so that was sort of therisk we were taking.
Every time I turned myself inis like the hope that the judge
would be okay with the situationthat was already set up and
then eventually merge all thecases from the different towns
into one location and onejurisdiction.
There was one judge at whichthey were not okay with that.
(38:22):
So I did have to go back to Yorkone time, which I turned myself
in.
But the following morning I gota hearing where, after the case
was brought into the heart forjurisdiction where the others
were, where that judge thenre-decided that I could be put
back out on the bracelet.
(38:42):
So the complicated process ofthe judicial system.
But once it was allconsolidated into one
jurisdiction I was on housearrest for about a year until my
final sentencing.
And so in that year on housearrest I do what you're not
supposed to do in recovery, andthis is because I still wasn't
(39:06):
looking to understand myself.
I was just thinking that Icould operate who Brittany was
and just not use.
So there was no time at whichthis year I was diving into why
I was using it was just likeokay, figure out how to live and
not use, which wasn't the rightperspective to have, but again,
(39:26):
still very like naive andunaware of.
Jason (39:31):
It's how you are brought up.
You don't discuss it.
Amber (39:35):
It was like let's just fix this problem without really
figuring out why or what'sunderneath.
Brittany (39:42):
Right, and so I struggled during that time I got
into a relationship with whatthey tell you not to do with
somebody in rehab, and so well,I was on the bracelet.
And so when I got out of likethat six month program and I was
living in an apartment withthat person for six months up
(40:03):
until my sentencing, with thebracelet on and it was I found
out I was pregnant during thattime, and then by the time I was
sentenced for the crimes thathad occurred a year and a half
before then, I was seven monthspregnant, and so at my
(40:23):
sentencing, when I got sentencedto four and a half years, I was
seven months pregnant.
Jason (40:32):
Okay, amber, so let's take a break there in the
conversation.
We actually recorded theportion that everybody's been
listening to several months agoand now it's actually about a
week before Thanksgiving whenwe're recording this and we made
the decision to break thisepisode into two pieces.
Amber (40:56):
Yeah, I think that there, as we were listening and in the
sort of post-production process, we realized that there were
two distinct sort of time erasand themes that really worked to
put this into two distinctpodcasts and really fully tell
the story, because, as we dowith every podcast, we have to
(41:21):
make some editorial decisions.
But this is such a robust storythat it really warrants two
episodes.
Jason (41:29):
Right.
So the first part we heard allabout Brittany and some of her
early life experiences and whatled her into some substance
abuse and into the criminaljustice system and how she dealt
with that.
And this is our firstcliffhanger, because where we
leave it, she's pregnant andwe're going to cover a lot more
(41:51):
information in the second part.
Amber (41:55):
Yeah, I mean I think that's one way to describe it a
cliffhanger.
So I don't know if we're movingup in the world or if it just
sort of shook out like that.
But that's the beautiful thingabout this podcast is that the
conversations are real and theydevelop in the way that they do,
and it's up to us to providethis platform and present it in
(42:18):
a way that is great for thelisteners to really understand
the whole story in a way thatcomes directly from the person
who was impacted.
Jason (42:30):
So I'm really excited about it.
Yeah, and then the good news is, people aren't going to have to
wait too long for a part two.
Amber (42:38):
Yes, because we are definitely.
We're going to release them.
At the same time, however, itwill give you the chance to sort
of break it up into two partsfor the time.
Jason (42:50):
All right.
So any other thoughts on that?
Are we good to round this oneout?
Amber (42:54):
Yeah, I think so Everybody.
Stay tuned for the next episodethat will cover sort of chapter
two or the next chapter,because there are always more
chapters to be talked about.
Jason (43:08):
Exactly so, until next episode, Amber we'll see you
next time.
Speaker 5 (43:22):
You've been listening to Amplified Voices, a podcast
listing the experiences ofpeople and families impacted by
the criminal legal system.
For more information, episodesand podcast notes, visit
amplifiedvoicesshow.
Everyone has a voice, a story to tell.
Some are marginalized and muted.
What if there were a way toamplify those stories, to have
conversations with real peoplein real communities, a way to
help them step into the power oftheir lived experience?
Welcome to Amplified Voices, apodcast lifting the experiences
(00:23):
of people and families impactedby the criminal legal system.
Together, we can createpositive change for everyone.
Jason (00:33):
Hello and welcome to another episode of Amplified
Voices.
I'm your host, jason, here withmy co-host, amber.
Good morning, amber.
Amber (00:40):
Good morning Jason.
Jason (00:42):
And today we have Brittany.
Good morning Brittany.
Brittany (00:45):
Good morning.
Jason (00:47):
So, brittany, we start with the same first question,
which is could you tell us alittle bit about your life
before you entered the criminallegal system and what brought
you into it?
Brittany (00:58):
Sure, so my 22 years of life before my incarceration
was?
You know it was, let's see, I'dsay my 22 years of life prior
to incarceration had a lot goingon.
I wasn't all safe, yeah, Ididn't have any to start.
Jason (01:19):
Where did you grow up?
What state did you grow up in?
Brittany (01:22):
Connecticut, connecticut.
Jason (01:24):
You grew up in Connecticut Still in Connecticut
.
Did you have a traditionalfamily unit a mother, father,
siblings?
Brittany (01:33):
Yeah, so I am the middle child.
I guess you know.
I hope it's not things that aretypical, but I am the middle
child.
I have an older sister and ayounger sister.
My mother was a single mother.
I had a father who through likethe first maybe seven years of
my life, he was around andpresent but due to his own
(01:55):
battle with alcoholism andaddiction, he was constantly in
and out of the criminal legalsystem.
So I spent several years of mylife visiting him, and you know
many of the prisons here inConnecticut.
Jason (02:07):
How old were you the first time you went into a
prison as a visitor?
Intro Voice (02:12):
Five.
Jason (02:13):
Do you remember what that was like?
Brittany (02:16):
No, because these weren't things that we talked
about in my house, so thiswasn't an issue.
These are sort of things that,like you know, you didn't ask
about.
You just like, keep moving, andthat's how I was raised with,
like, my mother.
It's like you just got to keepworking hard, go to school,
focus on soccer, don't think,don't feel, just, you know, move
(02:38):
through life and do what youneed to do to be successful.
And so I think that's a greatthing and I think that's what I
really need to do to besuccessful.
And so these were all likethese issues, the elephant in
the room remained.
You know, my entire life untilyou know, I just continued to
internalize things that I didn'tunderstand in those questions
like, why is he not around?
(03:00):
Why don't you just stop, like,why don't you?
You know these sort of thingsand my whole sort of life I've
been, I don't know.
I'm just a huge empath where,like, I just like feel I can put
myself in a position and I canlike feel those feelings at
which someone else is suffering,and that's hard to deal with
when I can, although, like othermembers of my family would see
(03:24):
someone who's just making baddecisions and, you know, sort of
creating a life that theydeserve because they're making
bad decisions, where I seesomeone who's alone, who's
suffering, who's in need of help, who can't get out of their own
way, and so that draws me.
I don't know how to deal withthose.
I didn't know how to deal withthose emotions when I'm
surrounded by people who don'tspeak about them, who don't
(03:46):
acknowledge them or who I don'tsee also feeling those feelings
for my father, there's adisconnect between what you're
feeling and what's beingexpressed around you by the rest
of your family.
Right.
Jason (04:00):
Yeah, and as you're going through, were you a good.
You said you mentioned soccer.
So was soccer was your thingfrom a young age.
Brittany (04:09):
Yeah, soccer was my, you know, sort of my outlet for
a very long time in, you know,up through high school and into
college.
It sort of, you know issuestook place, you know, following
my senior year.
But up and through then I usedto play for Premier League here
in Connecticut and, you know,travel the country playing.
We won a couple of statechampionships and all state
(04:32):
soccer.
Jason (04:33):
So you were good.
It was not just like oh, I'mback to playing now.
Brittany (04:36):
I'm back to playing now, but, yeah, I know it was
definitely a big passion of mine, but it was, you know, after my
senior year, once the seasonended and I was first introduced
to drugs in marijuana and thosesort of things that I was kept
away from for a while, where Ifound a much faster solution to,
(04:57):
you know, not feeling things,yeah, and so, yeah, that sort of
outlet switched real fast forme.
Jason (05:07):
So soccer kind of was doing that for you, but it was
not as quick a escape, is that?
Brittany (05:15):
Yeah, and I ended up being only like a couple of
times a week in and out ofseasons.
Yeah, it definitely wasn't asustainable solution to dealing
with a lot of the feelings thatI have just never dealt with.
I mean, and I battled in termsof trying to figure out how to
deal with those feelings invarious different negative ways
(05:37):
at which I'm just looking for away to feel something, and that
was throughout high school andthen ultimately, you know, it
was drugs that provided that forme.
Jason (05:50):
Were your sisters using any type of escape mechanism,
mechanisms like that, or wereyou the only one in your family
and it kind of felt isolatingbecause of that?
Brittany (06:03):
Yeah, no, that's 100%.
I very much felt alone in allof this.
I'm sort of the only one who'shad this tumultuous path.
The other two have, you know,maintained that normal for
whatever normal is, thattrajectory of what you do in
life and college and get a joband raise a family and those
(06:27):
sorts of things, and I was justsort of lost and yeah, and so,
brittany, I have a couplequestions for you.
Amber (06:36):
So when you were in school and you were doing soccer
, what did you enjoy academics?
Did you have like a favoritesubject, something you were
drawn to, and what did you studywhen you went into college?
Brittany (06:51):
Oh, I mean in high school it was real.
It's not that I was interested,but it's something my mother
very much impresses upon, likeall of us.
It's something that you knowshe feels is like the path up,
and so she very much is like youneed an education, you need an
education.
So that was instilled in me.
(07:12):
So I went to school becausethat's sort of what I was raised
to do.
At the time I didn't have muchinterest in it, but I at the
time I don't know that I washalf of us, brittany, I don't
know that I ever had thecapacity I don't know that I
ever had the capacity untilwhere I am now to sort of
(07:33):
explore interest or wasinterested in trying to figure.
I feel like I was still stuck atthat mazl's hierarchy of needs
at first level, where I'm justlike trying to figure out how to
survive life, where I wasn'tyet thinking about like how,
what I'm interested in or what Ifeel, because I couldn't get
(07:53):
out of like my own, my ownfeelings, to be connected to
something I was like thenpassionate about.
And so I did well in school,very much just did what I had to
do to get by, and it still gotme good grades.
It wasn't until like thatsecond half of my senior year
where I went from like all seeathletes, I think what was I had
(08:17):
like two superlatives and itwas either and we only got one
in the yearbook because youcould only get one, but it was
least likely to be in class andlike most likely to leave school
early or something like those.
It's just so you know there's alot to show there.
Like that says a lot to be from, like where I was, you know,
(08:39):
for the first three and a halfyears of high school and then
that to be how I end, whereteachers are like just write
this papers, you can graduate alot I mean drugs in those six
months that you know it shouldhave been very quick.
Something was not right.
Jason (08:56):
Did your mother know what was going on?
Brittany (09:00):
No, because she worked full time.
She has a very intense jobherself and so she works 40 to
60 hours a week and, like I said, it was just her.
So left to our own devices.
My sisters very much did whatthey had to do, but it wasn't
long until like after I wasintroduced to marijuana and
(09:22):
alcohol.
That that's what I was doingbefore school with my friends.
They would go to school, Iwould just wait home and they'd
come back around once schoolended and we'd smoke again and I
would be drinking all day tillthey came and they sort of just
if I went to school like mywater bottle was full of wine.
There's stuff like that, like Ijust very much was an everyday
(09:43):
thing for me immediately.
Jason (09:45):
And as you're doing this, you know you're talking about
your feelings.
Did shame play a role at thisstage in your life?
Brittany (09:53):
No, no, because it wasn't anything like that was
talked to.
I didn't know anything aboutaddiction.
I didn't know that that was athing.
In fact, in elementary school Iwon the dare contest with my
essay.
So, like I, you know it's, it'sI don't know, but I didn't
nobody talked about it.
Other kids in high school weredrinking and smoking.
(10:15):
For some reason they could keeptheir lives together and they
could function and get to school.
But for me it was.
I did.
I didn't yet have that.
That line of like.
What I'm doing is differentthan other people.
Just yet.
Amber (10:28):
Yeah, um well you're a kid, yeah, so I mean, I think
you bring up some reallyinteresting points in terms of
like how different peoplerespond to different things.
Right, and so to for likeoutside, looking in, when people
are like, well, you know, Ididn't respond in this way and
(10:50):
so you know there's somethingwrong with that person.
That's just like goes againstlike the complexity of humanity
and how different we all are.
And did you find that therewere, was anyone in your life
that, like a teacher or a friend, that noticed what was going on
(11:12):
and may have been able to saysort of hey, or were you just at
a point where you were like I'minvincible.
You know, at that age we'relike I'm invincible, I'm doing
what I'm doing and nobody cantell me anything.
Brittany (11:27):
I don't know that, but there wasn't certainly anyone
at school.
I'm always, I was always, sinceI am a very private person, so
this is like bigger for me to tobe doing this, but because
that's sort of how I was raisedright, you don't talk about like
yourself, you don't talk aboutwhat's going on in the house,
(11:47):
you don't talk about things likeyou're just.
You know, it was very much sortof like a business oriented life
that I was brought up in.
But I had one really closefriend and you know he was like
(12:10):
we did everything together everyday and but he was also, I
think, you know, maybe had someinternal struggles of his own,
which is why you know weconnected so well we, you know
(12:33):
it was one of, though it waslike a brother, I mean that I
was with every day morning afterschool.
I mean people referred to us aslike one name, yeah and so, but
again, that wasn't someone.
I think that would have been.
You know, that was sort ofsomeone like it was like a fire
(12:54):
to the gasoline right, and so hewas dealing with his own right
on situation, you know hey,bread these.
Jason (13:02):
So yeah, you're getting really emotional and I don't
under.
I don't understand why.
So what?
What's going on?
What are you thinking about?
Brittany (13:13):
yeah.
So I mean, here I am today,you're having this conversation
with you, you know, and a yearand a half ago he passed away
because he never survivedaddiction and so we both had our
own paths.
(13:34):
And it's just hard because Iunderstand that addiction is a
disease and what, what drives it, and ultimately it's someone
who's suffering, who needs, whoneeds help, right and we okay,
(13:59):
so what can, what can we doright now to honor him?
It's hard because I think I'mstill trying to figure out how
to.
I'm still trying to practiceany coping skills that I learned
.
Intro Voice (14:15):
Sure.
Brittany (14:15):
Clearly, I've never fully dealt with these things
and so I think, doing what we'redoing, doing what you all are
doing, and giving a voice andgiving a platform for real life
stories that demonstrate thatpeople who are struggling with
addiction shouldn't be cast offyou can't incarcerate your way
(14:36):
out of this problem.
I mean, he ended upincarcerated himself, got out,
like those sort of things.
This issue still takes placewithin prison facilities.
Prisons aren't the answer forsomeone who's struggling with
addiction, and that was.
It's made very clear that.
Jason (14:55):
So your addiction and struggles with substances began
in the high school years and youwere in college.
You said 22 was when you wereincarcerated, Right?
So how did it escalate fromskipping classes, playing soccer
(15:18):
, then going I guess not in thatorder, but going to college and
then somehow ending upincarcerated?
Brittany (15:27):
Yeah, I mean.
So I graduated in 2009 andbecause my best friend, who I
was just speaking up, got into aschool in Connecticut I had
gotten in a couple out of statebut I very much just went where
he was going and so we bothstarted at Eastern Connecticut
State University and the firstsemester I was on Dean's List.
(15:49):
I was doing well, involved inBig Brother, big Sister, because
there was always this part ofme, as I led in this
conversation, as an empath, sothere was always something
driving me to be connected tosomething larger than myself, do
something for others, helpothers.
So I unfortunately did not playsoccer.
(16:13):
I could not pass the drug testand this was just marijuana at
the time, but I couldn't evenstop smoking marijuana to pass a
drug test to play soccer incollege.
And so I did well.
My first semester but theninvolved in the college
atmosphere, was drinking, goingout with friends, having fun.
(16:34):
But for me, none of this was togo out and party.
For me, this was like I feltgood inside and like I was just
like because I was okay, likewhen I drank and smoked.
It wasn't like I was like oneof those people who was like I
was having a good time, rightand happy, but for me it just
(16:57):
put me at a level where I waslike felt okay to one be around
people, one be okay with myselfinside my own body.
It was like a time at which Ijust felt, you know, up to like
a normal standard, right, yeah,right.
Amber (17:13):
Like something that you needed to function in the world
Exactly.
Jason (17:17):
Exactly, but did you feel like, over time, you weren't
getting the same benefit fromthe same amount, so that you had
to up the ante?
Is that, is that part of yourjourney?
Brittany (17:28):
Yeah, no, the drinking and smoking definitely doubled
and tripled.
And again this it was the samestory in college, because then
it was the second semester thata very close friend of mine from
home passed away in a drinkingand driving accident and it was
(17:52):
with a group of friends at homeduring, you know, this time of
like coping and the memorial andthe funeral, while I was
introduced to opiates and that'swhen you know, the spiral sort
of exasperated.
And at the time again, I stillwasn't aware that I I still
didn't have an acknowledgementthat there was any problem.
(18:13):
Right, I was using, you know,opiates, pills, parasites, those
sort of things, and but alsowasn't doing this with friends
at college.
So you know, it didn't ring abell to me.
But this was also something Ikept separate from all my
friends at school.
It's like I would go home, uselike pick up, come to school,
(18:35):
like, and I would still bedrinking and smoking with them,
but nobody knew that I was alsodoing this like on the side,
like in my bedroom alone, andthen like hanging out with
people.
So this was very much done inisolation.
And then it was six months oflike doing that, where I was
like, yeah, maybe something likeI need to stop, and I also
(18:57):
wasn't aware that in trying tostop I would get physically sick
Like I.
Just I had no idea aboutaddiction and so I was.
Jason (19:05):
While you're going through this, do you feel, did
you feel very much alone?
Or did you have, did you have,friends that you were really
close with?
Or I mean, what was, what wasthat for you?
Brittany (19:17):
So the one friend who had introduced it to me at home,
and then my friend that I wasI've been speaking about through
and through, who was, you know,with me at college, he sort of
knew but wasn't interested in ityet, and not that I was pushing
it on him, but, like you know,wasn't asking about it.
Like it was, you know, one ofthe you.
Just we didn't talk about it, Ijust went and did it and then
(19:38):
would show back up around peopleand that sort of thing.
But about like six months afterthat, when I was like like I
can't stop, I need to figuresomething out, I joined the
National Guard.
And that's when I had joinedthe army and went to basic
training in Missouri for sixmonths, came out like the top
(19:59):
seven of that class, came backand was soldier of the year for
the next two years in the ArmyCorps of Engineers, then 2011
and 2012.
But then coming home and beingaround the same people with the
same undoubt with issues.
It was only a month until I wasintroduced to heroin, because
those people had switched overto, you know, from from using
(20:22):
pills to heroin and that was awhole different beast.
That's a whole nother level thatI hadn't acknowledged how
serious it was, because, again,I didn't know that this was one
of those things that, like, Ican't just stop when I don't
want to do it, I'm going to bethrowing up, I'm going to be
(20:43):
like physically ill, it's to thepoint where I can't function,
because there were dates likewhere I would be like, all right
, I'll just go up and, you know,go to class and go to work, and
you can't if you don't use.
I mean, you just can't, youphysically can't, your body is
so severely ill when you don'tuse.
And so that's how, around 2012is when I also, you know,
(21:13):
officially dropped out of schooland moved back home and
couldn't keep a job at thatpoint, got arrested at my first
job because I had drugs fell outof my pocket and, you know, at
the restaurant I was working at,and they called the cops.
So that was my first possessioncharge.
Then it but I guess pause thatI had two DUIs in college before
(21:36):
then, and so it starts with DUI, then it's possession charges
and following those, it waswithin a year and a half time
span or I had wrapped up maybeeight felonies.
Jason (21:48):
Wait wait EIGHT Say again .
Brittany (21:54):
EIGHT, yes, eight, okay, yes, so, and in that time
I had gotten in a relationshipwith someone who was my friend
through high school and I hadgone off to college.
He had sort of hit that roughpatch in the road much sooner
(22:17):
than I did from using, and so Ihad gone to, you know,
experience his own time withincarceration and doing what you
have to do, or doing what somepeople do to sustain their
addiction.
And so, nonetheless, when Imoved back home and we linked up
, so so hang on a second.
Jason (22:39):
So earlier on, you told us your sisters and your mother
had no concept of what was goingon with your youth, right?
And now you're coming back homeafter dropping out of college,
right, and you've got seriousaddictions.
(23:01):
At this point, is it still asecret?
Brittany (23:05):
It's not spoken of.
People know, but this again,it's not like there's an
intervention, it's not likenobody, nobody's speaking about
it.
My, you know, my mother wouldmake comments like you know.
you just need to choose not tobe a piece of shit like.
Make the choice and dosomething better with yourself.
(23:26):
The only times where it waslike I recall it being blatantly
addressed is like when I, youknow, was so high it'd be like
falling asleep, like in a chairor standing up and that sort of
stuff where, like, she wouldactually acknowledge something,
but otherwise it was like don'tsee it, don't talk about it, and
(23:47):
how did that show?
Jason (23:48):
figure it out?
How did that affect?
How did that affect you?
I mean, did you what was?
How did that affect?
Brittany (24:00):
I don't know.
I think one allowed me a safeplace to go through what I was
going through.
It also like I was living in aplace where, like I knew I
needed to be better, I wanted tobe better, but I just couldn't
get out of my own way.
(24:20):
So for a while it kept me fromliving on the streets and being
put in more dangerous situationsand so, in a way, it could have
been a boundary at whichprovided some safety.
But I don't know, I think itstill also kept me in a place at
(24:43):
which, like I felt the shameand the guilt and like knew that
like I needed to do more, Ineeded to be better, I needed to
stop and I would tell me forthe last I would say for the
last that year and a half, sinceI had moved home, using was not
something I wanted to do.
I mean, I went to detox, I wentto rehab multiple times.
(25:04):
One of those my mom, you know,sent me to California to rehab,
but I left in 24 hours and itwas like I can't do this and
just like, walked down thestreet, called him from a
laundry mat.
It was like I left.
Amber (25:18):
And so, yeah, brittany, I mean, I think you're
highlighting something thatpeople who are not familiar with
addiction, and particularlyopioid addiction, you know, have
this perception.
Well, if somebody just wantedto stop, like they had a desire
(25:38):
to change, then they just would,and what you're describing is a
very, very difficult, bothphysical and emotional, journey
Is.
Does that feel right?
Brittany (25:53):
Yeah, no, using was not something I wanted to do.
I wasn't even getting highanymore For the last two years,
I was just not getting sick.
So it was like I need to justlike you so I can get to work
and then or I can get to youknow, live, I can show up for my
sister.
She needs me to like watch herkid for a couple hours.
(26:14):
I can be there for somebody assmall as those responsibilities
were at the time and limitedbecause of what I had done to my
situation at the time.
But it was really just a meansto like function.
And when you don't haveemployment to provide, you know,
(26:34):
for money, for drugs and thosesorts of things you know, you
look to alternative ways to getfunding, just so you can not be
sick, so you can function.
And that's sort of what led meto the charges in which I was
incarcerated for, and that wasthose are burglaries, that's,
stealing and selling things formoney.
(26:56):
So I could use to then try andfunction in a world at which I
was still very lost in.
Amber (27:05):
And so let's unpack just a little bit.
You mentioned that you knowthere were multiple charges, so
when that happened, did youspend like short stints away and
then come back?
Let's.
Let's talk a little bit aboutlike how all of that panned out.
Brittany (27:24):
Sure.
So the the possessions I had tothe two do us two possessions.
None of those led toincarceration.
I was out on on a very smallbond for those.
Well, some of them had beenfinished and nonetheless none of
those led to any time having togo to York and then, you know,
(27:45):
maybe be bonded out.
The burglaries were committed inthe span of a month and within
a month I had I showed up tocourt for one of my possession
cases and a warrant was alsoissued for my arrest.
So I was taken from court thatday, very much, you know,
unaware that that was happening,and so I.
(28:07):
The bond was extremely high, itwas $750,000 for a Berkeley
third, and at this I called mymom.
She's like there's nothing Ican do, like I can't put my
house up, I can't, like it'sstill not enough money.
So and I just couldn't.
In, my partner at the time, whoI had said I had gone to prison
(28:30):
for some of these things before, was very blown away if I high,
high, how high that bond wasfor a charge like this, and so I
went to York that night.
I was sick the entire bus rideup to the prison, vomiting,
chills, fever, all of that.
Jason (28:48):
So hang on.
You're 22 years old, right?
You're 22 years old.
You're sick beyond belief,don't know when you're going to
get to to be able to getsomething to make you feel
better physically again, goinginto a prison situation where
(29:12):
you have no idea what's facingyou.
And you're again, you're 22.
I can only imagine what the howyou're feeling in terms of just
anxiety at that point.
Brittany (29:27):
Yeah, and a lot of.
I mean yeah, the anxiety wasthere.
I was.
I had totally no idea because,you know, I didn't function with
any knowledge or notion orthought about what consequences
would be.
I was just trying to survive.
So I wasn't sitting theresaying, okay, well, a birdie
carries, you know this, manyminimum years and you know this
(29:51):
is what would happen to me if Ido this like that never crossed
my mind, right?
I never thought aboutconsequences before any of the
things that I did, because theywere done out of like.
For me it was a matter ofsurvival.
It was not a matter of ofchoice.
Like I had done a lot of likesmaller crazy things to get
(30:13):
money and term you know thebottle cans are cashing in
change like all those stupidthings to get money where it's
like, doing something like thiswas like a last, my last, like
option, and I definitely wasn'tdone because I was sitting there
saying I have other options andso it was okay, like there's
(30:37):
nothing, there's no other wayfor me to get money, to not be
sick right now, and I have to doit like within this amount of
time where I will be sick in thenext three hours, like it's.
It's just such a horrible life,it's just so.
It's just a horrible way tolive.
I mean to just go through lifetrying to find a way to survive.
Amber (31:02):
Yeah certain level of desperation and survival that
did not allow for clear thinking.
Brittany (31:10):
Right and before so that anxiety that you speak of.
Yeah, I had no idea what I wasin store for because I never
thought about what would like atthat point.
Like I didn't care, likewhatever I get a rest, like I
just need to not be sick, right,right.
Jason (31:27):
So before you go too much for a rest, or I just I don't
know how many people have saidthis to you, but I'm sorry you
went through all that and I'msorry that there wasn't help for
you sooner, before it turnedinto feeling like you had to
steal to survive, feeling likeyou had no other option, and I'm
(31:52):
sorry that that happened to youand that the systems aren't in
place to catch it, catch you andbe there and hug you and tell
you this is, everything's gonnabe okay, and somehow figure out
how to help you.
Amber (32:06):
So you know what?
100%, 100%.
So, Brittany, when you're sortof so sick, you're on your way.
You don't know what's gonnahappen, what happens when you
get there.
Brittany (32:26):
You go through the entire dehumanizing process of
what entry into a prisonfacility is, and so I don't know
if we get into detail of whatthat entails.
But right aside from once youenter and you're just in a
holding cell in my anxiety justlike skyrockets Once I'm locked
(32:49):
in a room and realize like I amtotally at the like, at the
discretion of somebody else,allowing me to move, allowing me
to like, I started gettingthose feelings of what's the
word Clostrophobia?
(33:10):
Yes, yes, yes, I guessextremely claustrophobic,
because there's not like,there's no like open windows.
There's a lot of people in thisroom.
I'm like my skin feels likeit's burning and like I don't
feel like I have air and there'sno, I have no idea when these
people are gonna open a dooragain.
(33:32):
It's extremely scary and myanxiety was really bad.
Once you are totally, I startedto realize like I am in a
situation in which I have lostall of my freedom, like my
freedom to move, my freedom todo anything, and all I wanted to
do was call home and call mymom, and that's not a thing.
(33:53):
And then you go and you, youknow, your name turns into a
number, so you become a numberand then from that number you
get, you know, put into a showerwhere you're naked and then
just become a body with a number, and then you go and you sit in
another room waiting to beprocessed.
So you're, in seconds, anyidentity that you had is
(34:16):
stripped of you and you areimmediately put in a place in
which you have lost, like, allof your humanity.
And then you and so I'm sittingin that room again, the anxiety
of like just waiting and peoplepassing a room and you have no
idea when you're ever gonna belet out of it.
And so you get seen by a nurse,but again I was sick all night.
(34:40):
It wasn't until the next morningthat I, I was it.
It was the next morning wherethe nurse, or whatever they'll
give methadone, and so I wasable to get that.
(35:01):
Halfway through the day, my, Idid get a and I was just.
I was like, are you okay?
And when I first came, it backto fathom.
Jason (35:14):
I was really sick all the time I'm like well, I'm fine.
Sorry, how did it the first?
Brittany (35:22):
time and then stuff, just like a lot of this is blur.
It's completely okay, but howcould it possibly not be crystal
clear to you the condition thatyou went in?
Once I went to court again andthen I was.
I went home that first time butit was and so I then went into,
(35:46):
checked myself into a rehab andit was through that process
that many of the other warrantscame out and the other towns had
talked like crimes, lookedsimilar.
I very much did not do theselike with any sort of level of
criminal intelligence.
It was very much like it'sdefinitely this person that did
(36:08):
it and then once, like you know,dna and stuff came back.
It was, you know, I very muchwasn't in secret in doing any of
this, so a lot of it was, whichI think even makes very much
like very clear that these wereacts of desperation.
There's were unplanned likeunthoughtful, you know, crimes
(36:31):
of opportunity that harmed otherpeople, physically, harmed
myself, you know, caused a lotof damage at which there was
like I just was not in a placeto grasp the entirety of what
was happening To me.
I just saw the end goal, whichwas like using within the hour,
(36:53):
like you know, and so,nonetheless, as multiple
warrants come out, I have to Iwent into a program and then
from that program I went to alonger program.
So I tried to sort of createthis trajectory of like sobriety
(37:13):
and get on this path of youknow, I don't know finding
myself, I guess, or sobriety Idon't even know that.
I knew that.
I didn't know myself.
I think I just needed to learnhow to not use.
And so I was in programs for awhile.
(37:34):
But in the process, as I said, Ibelieve it was four or five
other warrants had come out forlike that one month at which I
was like committing these crimesRight, and so I had an attorney
at that point, and so it wasplanned show up at this police
department, turn yourself in.
You know, we hope that thejudge is okay with like you
(37:57):
remaining on house arrest with abracelet and in being unbonded.
And so that was sort of therisk we were taking.
Every time I turned myself inis like the hope that the judge
would be okay with the situationthat was already set up and
then eventually merge all thecases from the different towns
into one location and onejurisdiction.
There was one judge at whichthey were not okay with that.
(38:22):
So I did have to go back to Yorkone time, which I turned myself
in.
But the following morning I gota hearing where, after the case
was brought into the heart forjurisdiction where the others
were, where that judge thenre-decided that I could be put
back out on the bracelet.
(38:42):
So the complicated process ofthe judicial system.
But once it was allconsolidated into one
jurisdiction I was on housearrest for about a year until my
final sentencing.
And so in that year on housearrest I do what you're not
supposed to do in recovery, andthis is because I still wasn't
(39:06):
looking to understand myself.
I was just thinking that Icould operate who Brittany was
and just not use.
So there was no time at whichthis year I was diving into why
I was using it was just likeokay, figure out how to live and
not use, which wasn't the rightperspective to have, but again,
(39:26):
still very like naive andunaware of.
Jason (39:31):
It's how you are brought up.
You don't discuss it.
Amber (39:35):
It was like let's just fix this problem without really
figuring out why or what'sunderneath.
Brittany (39:42):
Right, and so I struggled during that time I got
into a relationship with whatthey tell you not to do with
somebody in rehab, and so well,I was on the bracelet.
And so when I got out of likethat six month program and I was
living in an apartment withthat person for six months up
(40:03):
until my sentencing, with thebracelet on and it was I found
out I was pregnant during thattime, and then by the time I was
sentenced for the crimes thathad occurred a year and a half
before then, I was seven monthspregnant, and so at my
(40:23):
sentencing, when I got sentencedto four and a half years, I was
seven months pregnant.
Jason (40:32):
Okay, amber, so let's take a break there in the
conversation.
We actually recorded theportion that everybody's been
listening to several months agoand now it's actually about a
week before Thanksgiving whenwe're recording this and we made
the decision to break thisepisode into two pieces.
Amber (40:56):
Yeah, I think that there, as we were listening and in the
sort of post-production process, we realized that there were
two distinct sort of time erasand themes that really worked to
put this into two distinctpodcasts and really fully tell
the story, because, as we dowith every podcast, we have to
(41:21):
make some editorial decisions.
But this is such a robust storythat it really warrants two
episodes.
Jason (41:29):
Right.
So the first part we heard allabout Brittany and some of her
early life experiences and whatled her into some substance
abuse and into the criminaljustice system and how she dealt
with that.
And this is our firstcliffhanger, because where we
leave it, she's pregnant andwe're going to cover a lot more
(41:51):
information in the second part.
Amber (41:55):
Yeah, I mean I think that's one way to describe it a
cliffhanger.
So I don't know if we're movingup in the world or if it just
sort of shook out like that.
But that's the beautiful thingabout this podcast is that the
conversations are real and theydevelop in the way that they do,
and it's up to us to providethis platform and present it in
(42:18):
a way that is great for thelisteners to really understand
the whole story in a way thatcomes directly from the person
who was impacted.
Jason (42:30):
So I'm really excited about it.
Yeah, and then the good news is, people aren't going to have to
wait too long for a part two.
Amber (42:38):
Yes, because we are definitely.
We're going to release them.
At the same time, however, itwill give you the chance to sort
of break it up into two partsfor the time.
Jason (42:50):
All right.
So any other thoughts on that?
Are we good to round this oneout?
Amber (42:54):
Yeah, I think so Everybody.
Stay tuned for the next episodethat will cover sort of chapter
two or the next chapter,because there are always more
chapters to be talked about.
Jason (43:08):
Exactly so, until next episode, Amber we'll see you
next time.
Speaker 5 (43:22):
You've been listening to Amplified Voices, a podcast
listing the experiences ofpeople and families impacted by
the criminal legal system.
For more information, episodesand podcast notes, visit
amplifiedvoicesshow.
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