11 Minutes to Enlightenment: A Morning Monologue on Celebrities, Pronouns, and Golf Coverage

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Starting with a sharp, satirical take on Katy Perry's recent suborbital space adventure, this episode dives into the absurdity of celebrity overreaction to brief experiences. Perry's 11-minute journey somehow transformed into a profound spiritual revelation, complete with claims of seeing "the universe's heartbeat" – a stark contrast to the genuine hardships faced by professional astronauts like Sunita Williams who spent 286 days in space.

The conversation shifts to a provocative policy implemented by White House Press Secretary Caroline Levitt, who refuses to respond to journalists who include pronouns in their email signatures. This stance reflects a growing tension between traditional views of biological reality and evolving social norms in professional communications. The New York Times has criticized this as evasion, while supporters view it as a stand for factual reporting in an increasingly ideological media landscape.

We also explore an unexpected controversy in sports broadcasting, where former PGA Tour pro Steve Elkington publicly criticized CBS for their understated coverage of Rory McIlroy's pivotal missed putt during the Masters. This criticism raises fascinating questions about sports journalism – should commentators amplify dramatic moments, or should they maintain golf's tradition of letting crowd reactions speak for themselves? The episode wraps up with a thought-provoking question: if humans were to establish the first Mars colony, who would you nominate to go? Politicians? Celebrities? The question invites listeners to consider who truly deserves to make history – or perhaps who we'd simply like to send 140 million miles away.

Share your thoughts on celebrity space tourism, media communication policies, and who you'd send to Mars! We love hearing your perspective on these modern absurdities and thought experiments.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, good morning.
The birds are chirping early.
All right, we have a lot to getto.
I need to pack it in in 10minutes.
I'm not going to tell youeverything I'm going to talk
about, just in case I run out oftime.
I won't cover some of them, butlet's get started, shall we?
And yes, kenny, I'm going toread.
Good morning, kenny Huber.
Hope you have a great day.
All right, here we go.

(00:27):
First off, I've prepared alittle monologue for you about
Katy Perry's ride into space.
See, kenny, I do try to make ita little bit more original
instead of just readingheadlines.
All right, here, I gotta letthis go.
Let it go.
All right, here we go.
Oh, katy Perry, galactic queenof the 11-minute cosmic joy ride
, more like an over-glorifiedcarnival ride.

(00:50):
What a revelation you'vebestowed upon us mere earthlings
strapped into the blue origin,shiny tin can.
You soared, well-floated, for awhole 11 minutes, kissing the
edge of space like it was aGrammy afterthought, and then
back to sweet, sweet terra firma, where you practically made out

(01:12):
with the ground, didn't you?
Well, she kissed the ground.
After floating 11 minutes inair, she came back down like she
had been up there 11 monthsinstead of 11 days.
Give me a break, excuse meinstead of 11 days, give me a
break, excuse me.
Gotta thank Mother Earth fornot yeeting you into the void
after that stunt.

(01:32):
But the real show started when,opening your mouth post-flight,
didn't it?
Out came the spiritual wordsalad, giving Kamala a run for
her money, dripping with all theprofundity of a bumper sticker
on a yoga mom's SUV.
I saw the universe's heartbeat.
You probably babbled eyes widelike you just cracked the code

(01:55):
of nirvana instead of, you know,taking a quick, quick,
suborbital field trip.
11 minutes up there andsuddenly you're channeling
Deepak Chopra at a Coachellaafter party.
Was it the curvature of theearth or the complimentary
champagne that you whispered?
You're one with Cosmo.
Now, katie, spare us thestarry-eyed sermon pop princess.

(02:19):
You didn't find enlightenment.
You took a pricey carnival rideand got a participation trophy
called Astronaut Wings.
But sure, tell us more abouthow those 11 minutes rewired
your soul, while the rest of usare just like paying taxes and
not waxing poetic about gravity.
Truly, the universe is so luckyto have you as its unofficial

(02:42):
mystic mouthpiece.
Namaste, namast, namaste orwhatever.
All right, there was my littlemonologue I created for you guys
about Katy Perry.
Can you believe that crap.
She's not a Sunni or butch thatwas stranded in space for 286
days.
She was 11 minutes, 11 minutes,and she's acting like she needs

(03:07):
to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Shut up, these celebrities areso dumb.
All right, what else do we havegoing on?
Let's see.
Okay, yes, I wanted to talkabout the Victor Girls blog post
that I wrote about CarolineLevitt, the White House press
secretary, who has decided tonot answer email that comes in

(03:28):
from reporters and journalistswith pronouns in their signature
blocks.
And here's why, when you dothat, you are not living in
reality.
Basically, that's the messagewhen you put a pronoun in your
signature block that tellseverybody else that you think
that there are more than one sex.

(03:49):
Now here's the thing they dressup the word sex and they put,
they replaced the word sexbecause there's only two sexes
male and female, but they, overthe decades, therapists and
psychologists and healthcareprofessionals have decided to
use the word gender, whichimplies there are more than two.

(04:09):
That means you can feelwhatever you want to feel Like.
If you feel like you're a woman, but you feel like a man, you
can call yourself he, him, no,no, that means you are not
living in reality.
All right, let's go read someof the article.
Kenny, here we go.
These are my words, I wrote it,so I'm going to read it.

(04:30):
Reporters who put pronouns intheir email signature and think
they'll get a response from theWhite House have another thing
coming.
Why does it matter?
Because if you can't live inreality, you can't be trusted to
report on it, especially whenit comes to Donald J Trump.

(04:51):
Our president, white HousePress Secretary Caroline Leavitt
, knows that.
So your email will not beanswered, sir ma'am.
No more pronouns will not beanswered.
Sir ma'am, no more pronouns.
Journalists are supposed todeal in facts, not fantasy.
If you've got preferredpronouns parked next to your
name and expect the world toplay along, you're signaling
that reality isn't your strongsuit.

(05:11):
So no, the White House will notanswer your email.
I'd applaud them if they movedit directly into the spam folder
.
Want to be taken seriously?
It's simple Just drop thepronouns.
And, of course, the New YorkTimes, of course, is not having
any of it.
And they have the big B-A-L-L-Sto come at the White House and

(05:35):
say this the New York Timesdisparaged the policy in a
statement to Fox News Digital,saying it was an excuse for
evasion.
And here's the quote Evadingtough questions certainly runs
counter to transparentengagement with free and
independent press reporting.
A spokesperson said.

(05:55):
Independent press reporting, aspokesperson said.
But refusing to answer astraightforward request to
explain the administration'spolicies because of the
formatting of an email signatureis both a concerning and
baffling choice, especially fromthe highest press office in the
US government.
Oh, that's rich, coming from apublication who loved to cover

(06:17):
joe biden and his bike ridingand ice cream intake.
Yeah, those are some seriousquestions, aren't they?
So no, if you're ready to askthe tough questions, just remove
the pronouns from your emailsignature and then you'll get
answered.
So that's over there at theVictor Girls.

(06:37):
I won't finish that, but you cango.
I wish that you would go readit and then share it with other
people.
That would be lovely.
All right, this other thing isfrom the New York Post and I do
want to read it because I'm justbaffled by it.
I'm baffled by it.
Oh, no, where'd it go?
Oh, hold on, I got to go findit again.
All right, buckle in Kenny,because I'm gonna read some

(06:57):
stuff from another article.
Here we go.
Oh, shoot, where is it?
Oh, here we go.
All right, this is titled.
Former PGA Tour Star Steve ElkElkington eviscerate CBS for
handling a Rory McIlroy'sMasters collapse.
So this commentator was upsetthat CBS didn't get all riled up

(07:20):
about McIlroy's missed putt togo into overtime.
This is what he's upset about.
It's hilarious.
I don't understand.
It's funny, but I don'tunderstand it.
All right, silence is notgolden for Steve Elkington.
The former PGA Tour pro railedagainst CBS Masters coverage
Sunday and was particularlypeeved over the way the network

(07:43):
handled Rory McIlroy's struggles.
On the 72nd hole, mcilroymissed a five foot par putt for
the win and play-by-play man JimNance simply said we're going
to a playoff.
After McElroy tapped in for abogey.
That could be the greatestcollapse in golf history and

(08:06):
effing.
Cbs says we have a playoff.
Elkington wrote on X Calm down,sir, it's not a big deal.
It's golf.
That's how they commentate onit.
They whisper and it's not a bigdeal.
It seems the 62-year-oldAustralian wanted a little more
criticism of McElroy, who ledfor most of the day from Nance

(08:29):
and the CBS analyst, after theNorthern Irishman missed an
opportunity to seal the win.
The missed putt came afterMcIlroy, 35, hit his approach
shot from 125 yards away intothe right bunker.
That was a wedge into the rightbunker on 18,.
A wedge Elkington commented.

(08:53):
A wedge Elkington commented.
However, it is not uncommon forannouncers to stay quiet in big
moments and let the noise ofthe crowd tell the story, and
the shocked reaction from theAugusta fans did a good job of
doing just that.
So, yeah, you can go finishreading that.
I did not put that on my X-File, but you can go find it on the
New York Post.

(09:13):
Okay, question of the day.
Okay, quick, because I'm atnine minutes.
Okay, here we go.
Who would you send up intospace and let's say we make it
to Mars who would you send up inspace to Mars to live on the
first ever jaunt out there toMars?
Who would you send what?
Celebrities, politicians,criminals, whatever?

(09:35):
Who would you send to Mars thefirst time to stay out there?
All right, that's the question.
Thanks for listening and I gotit in in 10 minutes.
All right, love y'all, bye.