September 7, 2025 • 38 mins
Allison Robinson returns to continue our conversation on conscious dating, focusing on how to intentionally navigate the process of meeting potential partners and establishing authentic connections.
• Approaching dating with a mindset of worthiness and confidence rather than scarcity
• Focusing on learning from each connection rather than making every relationship work
• The importance of authenticity when communicating with potential partners
• Understanding the difference between dating someone for who they are versus their potential
• Why behavior is a more reliable indicator than words when evaluating compatibility
• Recognizing red, yellow, and green flags in dating relationships
• How a person responds to boundaries is one of the clearest indicators of relationship potential
• The value of trusting your body's intuitive responses when dating
• Giving yourself permission to end connections that don't feel right without needing a dramatic reason
Join us next time as we discuss conscious commitment and the transition from dating to committed relationships.
Thank you for tuning into And Still WE Rise! If you would like to learn more about me or the work our practice is doing, feel free to follow us on Instagram at:
@atltherapygirl and @risetherapycenter
Or check us out at www.risetherapycenter.com
Disclaimer: And Still We Rise is meant to provide perspective and meaningful conversations around mental health topics. It is not meant to provide specific therapeutic advise to individuals. If anything in these podcasts resonates, ASWR recommends consulting with your individual therapist or seeking a referral from your primary care physician.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hello and welcome to and Still we Rise.
I'm your host, Christine Seidel, and today we have Allison
Robinson returning to continueour conversation on conscious
dating.
Welcome, Allison.
Thanks, Happy to be back.
Yeah, so very, very excited tohave you back and we could
probably do 60 series, like 60episodes on this series, because
(00:27):
there's so many things to talkabout and you've probably
already listened to the episodeprior to this one.
But if you haven't, just goback, listen to a little bit of
that you'll hear at bio andintroduction of Allison and the
work that she's doing at RiseTherapy Center.
And so we're going to get backinto our conversation of
conscious dating.
Last episode we kind of talkedabout a little bit more of that
(00:49):
like self work and what youneeded to kind of prepare for.
Now we're going to get intokind of the meat of putting
yourself out there.
So what are some of the mainthings you need to be kind of
prepared for or be intentionaland conscious of as you step out
into dating?
Speaker 2 (01:07):
So I think that one of the biggest things is having
a healthy mindset regardingdating and a healthy mindset
about who you are.
So one of the biggest ones isjust having this belief that I
am worthy of receiving the lovethat I desire, because when we
feel like we're worthy ofreceiving that love that you
(01:30):
know we've already we talkedabout in the previous episode
evaluating our wants and ourneeds and what we're searching
for, we're much more confidentin you know, telling ourselves
it's okay if this connectiondoesn't work out and focusing on
the direction that we want togo.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Yeah, and I think that that self-work of getting
to that mindset of like I'mworthy of what it is I desire
and that I I can be in a placeof dating confidently and
without a feeling of scarcity, Ithink that really sets you up
to have a better datingexperience.
(02:11):
You know, when we go into datingwith a little bit of this doubt
or hesitation, we tend toreceive that in the dating
experience and then, you know,kind of puts us into that cycle
of fear of like am I ever goingto find somebody?
Is it ever going to happen forme?
So, really being in that placeof like I'm going into dating
knowing who I am, what I, what Ibring to this world, and I'm
(02:33):
not going to be disheartened ifit doesn't turn out right away.
So you know, really being inthat secure and confident place.
So what about when you startmeeting people?
How do you maintain a mindsetLike what are some things to be
really mindful of?
As you're going into theinterfacing of people, where you
(02:55):
know, as therapists we knowthat's where we start getting a
little staticky is when we arekind of confronted with other
people that may or may not bemirroring, you know, what we
authentically feel like we'reputting out there or we may be
triggering people and people maybe triggering us.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Yeah.
So I think one of the thingsthat I feel like is most
important when you're in thisspace of like speaking,
companionship is like the goalis to to meet your life partner.
For a lot of us in the in thedating world, however, when
you're approaching a date onlike a standalone basis, the
(03:34):
goal really shouldn't be.
I want this relationship towork like this this is, this is
my person.
So, and instead redirecting itto what can I learn from this
person, what can I benefit outof this connection, and
something.
Um, in a previous relationship,we were going through this uh,
(03:56):
you know evaluation process andwe're deciding whether or not to
enter commitment, and we knewwe had a clash in values and
goals and, you know, I wasn'tfar enough along in my journey
to kind of um, just kind ofdisengage, but it was.
It turned out to be for for thegood, because I learned a lot
because something that he saidwas I never want to hurt you and
(04:21):
.
I want to leave you better thanI found you.
And then we decided to end itbecause we reached a certain
part and was like, if we don'tend it, then we're not gonna
fulfill that goal, and that wassomething that I carried on as I
met future connections.
It was like what can I learnfrom this?
How can I benefit this person'slife?
(04:41):
How can they benefit my life inthis moment, whether or not we
continue?
on past tonight and that led forlike a lot more authentic
connection and um and noexpectation on either end, and
it was sometimes it was justauthentic and genuine
communication.
Sometimes I learned parts aboutmyself.
They would point outinconsistencies in what I was
(05:03):
saying.
Yeah right right, yeah, yeah.
So, like you know, we'regrowing in this, and then I
realized like, as I kind of had,this mindset and the attachment
to this working out startedlessening, I started meeting a
lot more people that were muchmore compatible.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
I love kind of that, that growth mindset of like,
what can I learn through thisprocess?
Not like how can I find the one?
You know it's more about, let mejust step into this moment and
then learn what I need to learnand step into the next moment
that takes so much pressure offof yourself to be, you know, in
this energy of like, um,achieving, you know achievement,
(05:45):
culture, like I have to findthe one, but rather like, let me
be available to learn throughthis, because as I learn, I grow
and as I grow I change, and youknow it's all for this, like
self empowerment, and so reallyhaving the mindset that like,
yes, ultimately, maybe I amseeking commitment and I'm very
clear in what I allow, what Idon't allow, what I I'm
available for, what I'm notavailable for, but let me not
(06:06):
become so constructed in theprocess that I'm not learning.
And you know, because we cankind of get stuck in
relationships longer than weneed to be because we aren't
really available, we're too,we're too constricted in like
what we need it to be, whichbrings me up to like that whole
(06:28):
yes, but this person has suchgreat potential, we have so much
fun.
Like, ah, how do you grapplewith that, like, how do you keep
your mindset still in a goodplace when you may be seeing,
like, all this great potentialin a relationship, but what's
actually occurring isn'tmirroring that?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yeah.
So I think it comes back toauthenticity and when we kind of
approach it for that mindset oflike I'm not seeking for this
person's work, I'm seeking longterm partnership, I'm seeking
commitment.
I'm not seeking it with thisindividual, because what that
does is.
It helps us be true to ourselvesin those connections, because
sometimes when we go into it andwe're like I want this person's
(07:09):
work because they have this,they have that, they're who I
want, they're everything right,they're everything that I think
I'm seeking.
Sometimes we put on a front andyou know, we're not being
ourselves, and that can lead toa couple different things
happening, and one of those, youknow, they think that we're the
person of their dreams.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
We go through this.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
And then we don't live up to their expectation.
That's an unhealthy dynamic, orwe spend the whole relationship
continuing to fake that, thatpersona that we put on yeah and
drain ourselves in the processand the other part of it is, you
know, when we do show upauthentically, we are
(07:57):
confronting that fear ofrejection, because it is scary
to completely put yourself outthere, flaws and all, and say
this person could either love meas I am or see me and reject
that.
And just because we may not beliked by certain people, it
doesn't mean that we'reunlikable and so we're
confronting that belief as well,because we're giving someone
(08:20):
the opportunity to say you know,I don't think you're my person,
just like we're trying to dofor them and and and that we're,
we're being true to ourselvesand we're you know.
If that were to happen andsomeone doesn't see us as the
compatible partner, we can startto work on that belief and just
say I still have value, eventhough I don't fit this person's
(08:43):
life that I really, I reallywant to be with and it's, it's.
It can be hurtful, but you knowit can be tricky.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
It can be very tricky and I think that, like,
hopefully in that self-workphase you've kind of been able
to like grapple a lot of thatout, but they can, you know,
those situations can sneak inwhere you're like gosh, all of
this person marks, all of theseboxes.
But there is this one thing that, like, is so starkly contrast
to like what I authenticallywant, and we can go into this
(09:16):
very codependent type ofbehavior where, like, let me
shift and change part of myselfin order to, you know, get what
I want from this person.
And you know, at the end of theday, like that in itself is
that's kind of manipulating notonly ourselves but somebody else
, and you do kind of have to bevery conscious about like this
(09:37):
is something that was nonnegotiable for me.
Or, you know, I see all ofthese great possibilities that
this person could become andthey say the right thing and
they, you know they set theintention, and yet their
behavior is very different thanwhat they're saying.
And so, really being incommunication with yourself, in
communication with your supportsystem, just to hear and see
(10:01):
what it is that you need to hear, so you don't get stuck in that
trap of trying to manipulatesomething for what it could be
versus what it is right now yeah, and I love that, yeah, yeah,
go.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
Ahead oh, sorry, I didn't cut y'all no, yeah, that
kind of goes right into, youknow the dating for potential or
and or not dating for potentialand dating, for you know who
that person actually is.
Um, because there's a lot oftimes we, you know, we see like
these aspects of this person,like, oh, like this is what I
(10:35):
would do if I was in their shoesand we kind of project like who
they become and we completelynegate.
They might be completely happywith who they are and they might
be fine right, yeah, yeahperfectly okay.
You know, sometimes there'sareas where you know we should
want to grow, but there'ssometimes where it's like, no,
like I like myself in thesethoughts.
(11:11):
It might not be compatible withwhat you're considering
potential and you're hearingsomeone you know say all the
right things and you're seeingtheir behavior not lining up.
What I tell people is, if theycouldn't speak, they couldn't
communicate verbally.
Or if you're writing, whatwould their behavior tell you
(11:31):
about?
How they feel about you and whothey are as a person.
Because behavior is a languageand it's honestly the most.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Because it shows us, your values yeah, yeah, yeah it.
It's a form of communication,when you know we we learned that
at the very earliest of all thestages of life is behavior to
get some type of attendance.
So it's something that that wecontinue to use and I think
that's a great point.
(11:58):
So, when you talk aboutauthenticity, you know how
important is that when you gointo the spaces of communicating
with people you know, dating isa funny, fickle thing.
You know, there's so manystories out there that are like
oh, I met so and so they saidthey wanted this type of
relationship.
But like then, all of a sudden,they ghosted me.
(12:20):
Like what, how do you, how doyou need to move into that space
of like authenticity when itcomes to meeting and
communicating with people?
Speaker 2 (12:30):
we might tell people like hey, like I don't, you know
you did this thing or I don'tlike that, and instead trying to
shift it into hey, like when Inoticed, when you did this, I
(12:52):
was feeling this way insidemyself.
And, you know, I think it mightbe because of this other factor
and I'm just wondering ifthere's a way where we can
navigate through that and try tofigure out.
Like you know, am I seeingthings unclearly or kind of like
what's your intention behindthis?
Because this is how we feel thatI don't know if I'm necessarily
(13:16):
even right to feel that way.
I don't know if that's just my.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
I love that you kind of formulated that as like, feel
secure enough to ask questionsif you see discrepancies, you
know to seek clarification.
If somebody is putting outthere like I'm looking for
something serious and saying allthese things and then yet has
no time or making you know theinvestment and getting to know
each other a priority, to beable to say, hey, you know, is
(13:43):
this something that you're stillinterested in pursuing or have
you changed your mind orwhatever, and giving people the
autonomy and agency to do that,I think a lot of people, you
know, with our ghosting culture,you know they will ghost
because they don't want to havean authentic conversation and
communication about, maybe achange in feelings or maybe a
(14:03):
change in, like, their focus oftheir life.
You know, it doesn't alwayshave to be something like that
feels so rejecting.
It could just be like I'm justnot in a space right now where I
thought I was.
You know, and if we, if wearen't in a place, I think, as
individuals, to go into datingwith, being able to be authentic
in our communication, beingauthentic in what our intentions
(14:26):
are, we probably need to goback and do a little bit of that
self-work If it feels reallyuncomfortable to tell somebody,
hey, like I had a great timewith you, but I'm really having
more of a friend vibe, like ifwe can't say that, then we
probably need to go back and doa little bit more work, because
playing games, you know waiting,you know 35 minutes before you
(14:46):
text back like that'sinauthentic energy and somewhere
there's going to be static thatcomes from that.
So I think it's not onlyimportant to look at that in the
people that we're interactingwith, but like, look at
ourselves and be like wait aminute.
Why am I having such a hardtime saying this is a friend
connection, or this, that andthe other?
(15:06):
What is it?
What is it within me that's souncomfortable with that?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
yeah, yeah, and I hear, um, I hear it a lot from
from women, um, you know, theghosting is a little bit more
popular with how they experiencethat, and I've also heard it
from some of my male friends and, like you know, people that
I've dated where you know theykind of are talking about their
growth experiences.
Like you know, it comes from aplace of like I don't, you know,
(15:32):
I still care about this person,like I don't want to hurt them,
I don't want to tell them.
You know that I'm not feelingit anymore.
But yeah, there's one guy I wastalking to and he was like like
like the hope is kind of whatcan fuel it with women?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
that get.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah, I don't have to take their hope out back and
kind of shoot it like in a in away that's caring and loving,
but like, yeah, you know,leaving that that, like you know
, hot and cold, it's kind ofdoing more damage.
I think that happens, um, whenmen experience it too.
Yeah, as well, because you'rejust kind of hanging on and
you're in that back and forthand it's, you know, a lot of
(16:10):
people are trying to not hurtone another, but the caring
thing to do is honestly be moreauthentic in our communication
and be like you're a greatperson.
I believe you deserve all thesegood things in life.
I either don't feel like I canprovide them for you or kind of
these are things that I feellike are important to me, and I
don't want you to change who youare to meet my needs because
(16:33):
that's unfair to both of us.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yeah, and I think that that goes to, like you know
, in your self-worth, gettingprepared to have a lot more
mental and emotional tenacity togo through the dating process
to just be like, just let it bean enjoyable process, without
like a lot of pressure andconstructions within, like you
know, people that are willing tomeet and this that and the
(16:57):
other meat, and this that andthe other, because I think that
that becomes like a vessel forthe resistance chicken and meat.
Now I will say in fulldisclosure I have ghosted a few,
but only when they have rolledup with those red flags and I
was like no, we're not evengoing to get.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Yeah, and and sometimes you do kind of have to
for your safety, becausesometimes you can see certain
red flags where it's kind oflike, okay, there's certain
personalities where it's likethe best way to stay safe is to
just not respond, because theycommunicate strictly through
conflict and then basically theytake that hurt and that shame
(17:35):
that they're going to experienceit and they could, they could
be threatening that.
You know I've experienced thatas well with you know they felt
rejection and and they, you know, kind of got a little crazy on
me.
So to stay in touch withyourself and trust your
intuition on when and askyourself is am I choosing to
(17:58):
ghost or because I am protectingmyself and this is what's the
best thing to do, or is it thatI just don't feel safe in
communicating these feelings?
I don't want to hurt thisperson.
And that's a hard line sometimes.
So I think, it's just aboutlike being genuine to yourself
and knowing what is theappropriate way to navigate
(18:20):
those individual observations.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Let's talk a little bit aboutflags Like what would red,
yellow, green, like what wouldthey kind of be indicating and
can you give us some examples?
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Yeah.
So first of all, let's startwith red flags, because those
are the first ones that you wantto identify before you even get
to like green flags, becausered flags?
Are automatic no's, they'rejust like?
Absolutely not, I will not dealwith this and those can kind of
vary from person to person,based on what you're willing to
tolerate, to be honest.
(18:58):
So, um, but I think, in justlike in those situations like
dishonesty, like if you can't,don't have trust in a
relationship, what do you have?
Um?
controlling behavior, like if Ican't be myself and I have to be
who you want me to be.
You know that's typically likestraight red flag.
(19:18):
Um, you know so, lying,cheating, um, you know all of
those things.
And, um, when we get to yellowflags, those are the kind, those
are the ones we want to kind ofwatch, like it doesn't mean,
like it's an automatic, like I'mgoing to like cut off
immediately.
Those can, those can look likemaybe a difficulty with
(19:42):
emotional availability, and Isay that's a yellow flag because
it could go either way, becausethey might be trying to date
intentionally and they might belike I'm not going to put all of
myself out there and becompletely vulnerable before,
like you know, two to threemonths, like you know.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'll gradually increase vulnerability.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
But you know I'm not jumping all in until I know what
I'm jumping all into.
So, yeah, that's when you kindof got to watch, if you feel
that so they should be kind ofincreasing and their ability to
connect emotionally.
And if they're just kind ofstaying level and you've been
dating like four or five months,that probably is a sign of
(20:28):
genuine emotional unavailabilityand not right right then being
cautious so the yellow flags arekind of where you get a sense
that there's an area that theyare experiencing maybe some
discomfort or difficulties, andit's something that you, you
(20:50):
know.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
It's not harmful, it's not dangerous, it's not
rooted in conflict, but it's anindicator that it may be
difficult to establish a safe,secure connection with this
person longer term.
So it's not necessarily overtlyharmful, but it could be.
If it doesn't get addressed, ifit's not communicated, if it's
(21:13):
bypassed or avoided, it couldultimately become a red flag
that you've invested a lot oftime and energy into, a red flag
that you've invested a lot oftime and energy into yeah, and
another example is the completeopposite of that.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
They're jumping all in and like they're like
excessive, complimenting theirfuture planning, and it could be
like I've heard of situationswhere like no, like I knew she
was going to be my wife or myhusband on the first date.
I still, you know, approachthings slow, sometimes yeah,
sometimes no.
Sometimes, you know, you jumpall in and it works.
Sometimes it doesn't right soum there's no, there's no strict
(21:49):
formula here exactly yeah, thatwould be considered a yellow
flag.
Because you're like, you justmet me, like why are you saying?
that like I'm the love of yourlife on all these things, like
we've been on three dates likecome on now, yeah yeah, but at
the same time they could justknow super early and they could
just be very intuitive.
So, um, you just kind of wantto watch that behavior and see
(22:12):
okay is this starting to fizzleout?
Is this shifting to okay, she's, she or he isn't jumping all in
the same.
Let me start attacking or youknow trying to do like
backhanded compliments todecrease their their self worth.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Yeah, so that's, that's an.
You know, I think it soundslike the yellow flags can be
really tricky If you have notreally done a lot of your own
work to know how you like, whatyour defense mechanisms are or
an end, or how you validate orpace things.
You know, because that could be, you know what looks like a
(22:50):
yellow flag can come from a verygenuine place.
Maybe this person is justreally excited about getting to
know you and feels like a verystrong connection.
But if they get angry orcombative when you don't endorse
it or when you don't commit,you know they start becoming
very resentful that you're notgiving them that validation in
(23:12):
return.
Red flag.
If they said I understand, likeyou don't have to tell me how
you feel right now.
I just genuinely, you know,want to communicate that to you.
That's a green flag that'ssaying, hey, I give you autonomy
and agency, just like I have.
And in mine, I want to sharethat with you.
And you know so that yellowflag is just a place to say
(23:33):
pause.
And you know we've talked a lotabout mindset.
But I think so much of this iswe experience it in our body.
How does my body feel whensomebody may be coming with
something that looks like ayellow flag and I confront it in
a healthy way, because I'vebeen doing this work and I'm
comfortable and confident toconfront things.
How does my body feel when I dothat and that person responds?
(23:54):
It's a huge indicator of whatdirection these flags are going
to go.
If our body is feeling likeoverstimulated, overwhelmed,
like it wants to contract,that's a red flag.
We need to trust our body, evenif our mind is saying, yeah,
but like also, like all thispotential.
And you know he came back andapologized, you know.
(24:17):
So I think this is, you knowwe've talked about mindset so
much of this is we alsoexperience it in our bodies to
when we're in that place of like.
What trajectory is this goingto go?
When, when I place kind of aboundary or or a line in a not
in the sand, but just a line tosee what this actually is, how
does this person respond?
(24:37):
And that that tends to be agood indicator of what side is
that going to go?
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Yeah, and I think that's a good lead.
And to green flies, because inall of those scenarios where you
know you have those yellowflags and maybe, like we talked
about before, you've done thework and you're comfortable
addressing those in a way,that's like hey, like you know,
I'm noticing this.
This is how I feel.
How are they respecting thoseboundaries?
That?
(25:03):
you set Like how are theyresponding to like, for example,
like hey, you know, I I feellike a little bit overwhelmed by
you know, how quickly you knowyou're wanting to move and and
how quickly you're like wantingto progress this relationship,
and if they are kind of tryingto talk you out of like feeling
(25:29):
that way like that's definitelya red flag.
But if they're like you knowwhat I see, where you're coming
from, and I just wanted to youknow, tell you how I felt.
But we can take things at thispace and I'm going to kind of
back off and give you space.
I'm not can take things at thispace and I'm going to kind of
back off and give you space.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I'm not going to come on as strong and I'm going to
respect that boundary that youhave there and be, intentional
with growing in thisrelationship rather than trying
to like steal the deal right nowright, right, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think that it's such a youknow, people who can can be in
discomfort and and be somewhat,you know, see things as somewhat
(26:09):
difficult.
You know, maybe I really wantto be in this relationship right
now and like we can go have funand we and I have all these
things in my mind that we couldbe doing, but like she's not
ready or he's not ready, let mepause, like that's kind of
difficult for me and it's notwhat I really want to do, but I,
I prefer this person to havelike their own agency and making
that decision, then feel thepressure if they can regulate
(26:31):
themselves in that discomfort.
That's a big.
That's such a big green flag,like such a huge because all of
a sudden, yeah, because then youfeel safe to be able to like,
move forward in the way thatfeels authentic to you.
And I think green flags do feelsafe and they feel safe
consistently.
You know this conversation hasto come up or this boundary has
(26:54):
to be placed, and that person isable to say, okay, I respect
that I, you know able to say,okay, I respect that I, you know
I'll respond appropriately toit, or I may disagree, this is
what I'm seeing and and they'reable to come up with some other
type of like, understanding ofhow to navigate that if they, if
you, still consciously want topursue that, I think that that's
(27:15):
, you know, such a miss likeunderstood.
You know situations that a lotof times, before couples even
come together to a commitment,they've had some of this pacing
difficulty and it's in thatpacing difficulty that you
really get to see who somebodyis and where they're at and
their availability to be ahealthy, secure partner.
(27:36):
And so if you, if you're notexperiencing any of that like
whether it's like, maybe youknow somebody has kids and the
other person doesn't have kids,and so if you, if you're not
experiencing any of that likewhether it's like, maybe you
know somebody has kids and theother person doesn't have kids,
and so the availability isdecreased.
Like, how does that like come upwhen you're kind of talking
about, like you know, settingtime and getting to know each
other?
It could be a myriad of things,but it's in that, in that
(27:57):
dating phase, that you need tohave a little bit of that static
to see how does somebodynavigate that static.
And if you don't, if everythingis like easy and wonderful,
it's coming, it's coming.
And it's better to have alittle of that before commitment
, because once you're incommitment, there is a little
(28:17):
bit of resistance, becauseyou've most likely had a
declaration, Maybe you'veintroduced family and friends,
Maybe you posted on social mediaHeaven forbid.
And now, yeah right, Like nowthat there's this commitment,
you're now seeing these thingsthat have to be addressed, but
they may be yellow or red, andthere's a much harder transition
(28:40):
into that and it's much moredifficult to confront it when
you get to that place.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
So yeah, yeah, and I think the biggest things with
the green flags are like respect, effective communication,
emotional intelligence, trust,and in that situation that you
just talked about, where theperson is respecting those
boundaries and communicatinglike they're demonstrating all
(29:07):
of those green flags with thatbehavior, and so you, you can
truly just kind of you know,decipher, you know what.
What is this like thing thatI'm experiencing like?
Speaker 1 (29:22):
am.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
I is.
Is this a red flag or a greenflag?
And and so with that, you umare are just able to try to see
who they are, how and howthey're going to communicate in
the relationship, because that'skind of what you're evaluating
because relationships like thebiggest thing is healthy
communication, so you're reallyable to see in the now, like you
(29:46):
just said, yeah, okay, who are?
They?
How are they going to expresstheir feelings toward me?
How are they going to expresstheir hurt or their anger, or
their feelings of inadequacy?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
within their relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
So it just tells you so much.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah, and I think you know also going through this
process like part of getting toknow people is being vulnerable
with who you are too, and youknow, I mean, I may have had a
couple of little yellow flagsmyself I probably still have
them now every once in a whilebut I think, like being
(30:23):
available to also, you know, bein a place of compassion and
understanding and vulnerabilityyourself.
This isn't about like here's thematrix of what somebody needs
to bring to me and they need toprovide, but being open to
vulnerability, of like when youmay have been a little bit of a
yellow flag, to be open tocommunication and say, hey,
listen, like I am in my avoidantrecovery and I was way over
(30:45):
stimulated with work and so anytype of like, you know, pull,
pull on me made me want to likejust shut down.
But that's something I'mworking on and I want to, I want
to come in and process thatwith you.
That's so important to besomebody who's also, like,
conscious and cognizant of theirown flags, you know, and and
being able to talk about themwith the people that are are
(31:07):
pursuing them or that they arepursuing.
So all of that to say I mean,I'm glad I'm not out there.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Dating it's tough, it's tough and I want something
that you said that I wanted toget your opinion on when you
were talking about.
Like you know, I have my yellowflags and they they're probably
still there.
I'm wondering what yourthoughts are.
It's like you're meetingsomeone and for the first, like
part of your dating, you're notseeing any red or yellow flags.
(31:38):
Is that a red flag?
Are they being inauthentic andputting on a front?
Speaker 1 (31:45):
that a red flag?
Are they being inauthentic andputting on a front?
Yeah, I mean, I think that thatis definitely something that if
all you're seeing is greenflags, you really need to pay
attention to your body andseeing.
What is my intuition saying andam I giving this person enough
access to see them with, withthe level of vulnerability that
people need to be seen?
And, you know, am I seeing himor her in different environments
(32:07):
, with different people, amongdifferent people that I know,
you know, with people that areof higher status or lower status
?
Am I providing enoughenvironments for me to really
observe this person in in thatstate and to be honest with you,
like there is like six or 7% ofthe population that have those
(32:29):
really secure attachments?
But if somebody seems like agreen flag, let's say they've
never been in a long-termcommitment they are 50 years old
, like there are some thingsthat, developmentally, you can
go back and look and say I'mcurious as to why these
developmental phases maybedidn't occur.
And those are the type ofquestions I would start bringing
(32:53):
up to people who are nothingbut a bunch of green flags,
because I would like to know isthat avoidance, or is that just
a lack of access, or whatever itis, and see how people respond.
If you are not validating allthe green flags because that in
and of itself is a, is a redflag, that if you can't see you
(33:13):
know something that might be ayellow flag.
I'm not saying there's redflags to be like.
You know well, we'll let thosego because all of these are
green.
I'm saying there should be someyellow flags.
You're not seeing any.
That's something to talk about.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
And if they aren't receptive to that, then that's a
red flag yeah and and somethingthat you know you mentioned
there, like that's um, that's ared flag, it's like they're not
open to talk about it or afteryou kind of point out these
other things, but it's kind ofalso a red flag in you If you're
(33:48):
putting on these rose coloredglasses that you haven't done
all your self work if you'remeeting this person you've been
dating months and you're likethis person's never done
anything wrong and they couldnever have anything wrong with
them.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Yes, yeah, and I think that's one of the
unfortunate things of, you know,being out in the dating world
and genuinely doing thatself-work and doing that healing
work is it's, and people learnto say the right things, and so
it's so important, when we talkabout potential versus behavior,
(34:27):
that you do give yourself timeand somebody else time to see
who you are and they are, overthe course of a consistent
amount of situations.
And you know it's as therapists,we know like masking is a real
thing and you know we have to gointo dating intentional and
conscious, but also recognizeit's.
(34:50):
It's a place of play and we'rehere to enjoy our, our space,
Cause we, we genuinely want apartner to be a pleasure to be
with and enjoyable.
But we can't do that if we're,if we're just, you know, taking
everything at face value and andwe are masking ourselves, and
that's the whole.
The whole point of this seriesis what are some things, what
(35:10):
are some highlights that youneed to be aware of for yourself
, so that you can step into thatand then see if others are
actually in that same space withyou, or have they just learned
how to show up to that table, orif they just learned how to
show up to that table.
So, even though I'm not dating,I love my partner, happily
(35:31):
coupled.
But I think with some of these,some of this advice, I'd feel
better getting out there if thatwas where I was at.
So I appreciate you sharingthat with us.
And is there any other adviceyou would give to our listeners
or our viewers around you knowany other things to be mindful
of as you step into dating in avery conscious way?
Speaker 2 (35:53):
yeah, I think it's also about um.
We were talking about the, thered flags and, like you were
mentioned, like does my bodyfeel safe?
And I think a big, big thingthat a lot of people don't do is
give yourself permission toleave or end a relationship or
(36:13):
not enter one if it just doesn'tfeel right.
You don't need a big reason,you don't need them to do
something if you just don't,aren't feeling it for whatever
reason.
You are fully within your rightto end that connection and
you're worthy to do soAbsolutely.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
Absolutely.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
I think that's great advice, that you know, I think
especially for women, justbecause we've been
generationally kind ofconditioned to be compliant and
pleasing women, just becausewe've been generationally kind
of conditioned to be compliantand pleasing, that, you know, if
something feels off andsomething just is, is is
genuinely just kind of a no foryou, it's okay to say no, it's
okay to say you know, it's not amatch, that you don't owe any
(36:59):
anybody, anything.
And that was something Idefinitely said in dating like
you don't owe me anything, Idon't know you anything.
We're just getting to know eachother.
Cause people be like oh, I'msorry I didn't text you Good
morning or good night.
I'm like, please don't.
Like I don't want, I don't, Idon't need more texts to respond
to because, like you don't oweme that, like I, I have.
(37:28):
No, I have no expectation ofthat.
And in return, if, if I say noto dating like I don't owe you a
date, just because you textedme good morning or good evening
or whatever you know, for threedays in a row, I don't owe you a
date.
So really understanding that asyou step into that space, like
you, the only person you arecommitted to at that point is
yourself.
That's it so, which leads usinto our next episode and our
(37:55):
next series, which is going tobe about conscious commitment.
You know how to enter into that.
What are some of the highlightsand the things to be aware of
and the steps to take as you'reready to come out of the dating
field and make a committedrelationship, and I'm excited to
hear more about that and justyour advice and suggestions for
all of our listeners.
(38:15):
So, thank you, allison.
As always, it's a pleasure tohave you on here, and I know
we're going to have many, manymore series and episodes around
relationships, as that'ssomething you're so gifted in.
And I know we're going to havemany, many more series and
episodes around relationships,as that's something you're so
gifted in, and I would justrecommend anybody who is looking
(38:36):
for some couples work orindividual work around
relationships to reach out.
Part of what she brings is justher authenticity and and her
genuine acceptance of wherepeople are at and and really
working towards where they wantto be.
So thank you, alison, forjoining.
Thank you to all of ourlisteners and viewers.
We'll see you guys next time.
Bye, bye.
Hello and welcome to and Still we Rise.
I'm your host, Christine Seidel, and today we have Allison
Robinson returning to continueour conversation on conscious
dating.
Welcome, Allison.
Thanks, Happy to be back.
Yeah, so very, very excited tohave you back and we could
probably do 60 series, like 60episodes on this series, because
(00:27):
there's so many things to talkabout and you've probably
already listened to the episodeprior to this one.
But if you haven't, just goback, listen to a little bit of
that you'll hear at bio andintroduction of Allison and the
work that she's doing at RiseTherapy Center.
And so we're going to get backinto our conversation of
conscious dating.
Last episode we kind of talkedabout a little bit more of that
(00:49):
like self work and what youneeded to kind of prepare for.
Now we're going to get intokind of the meat of putting
yourself out there.
So what are some of the mainthings you need to be kind of
prepared for or be intentionaland conscious of as you step out
into dating?
Speaker 2 (01:07):
So I think that one of the biggest things is having
a healthy mindset regardingdating and a healthy mindset
about who you are.
So one of the biggest ones isjust having this belief that I
am worthy of receiving the lovethat I desire, because when we
feel like we're worthy ofreceiving that love that you
(01:30):
know we've already we talkedabout in the previous episode
evaluating our wants and ourneeds and what we're searching
for, we're much more confidentin you know, telling ourselves
it's okay if this connectiondoesn't work out and focusing on
the direction that we want togo.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Yeah, and I think that that self-work of getting
to that mindset of like I'mworthy of what it is I desire
and that I I can be in a placeof dating confidently and
without a feeling of scarcity, Ithink that really sets you up
to have a better datingexperience.
(02:11):
You know, when we go into datingwith a little bit of this doubt
or hesitation, we tend toreceive that in the dating
experience and then, you know,kind of puts us into that cycle
of fear of like am I ever goingto find somebody?
Is it ever going to happen forme?
So, really being in that placeof like I'm going into dating
knowing who I am, what I, what Ibring to this world, and I'm
(02:33):
not going to be disheartened ifit doesn't turn out right away.
So you know, really being inthat secure and confident place.
So what about when you startmeeting people?
How do you maintain a mindsetLike what are some things to be
really mindful of?
As you're going into theinterfacing of people, where you
(02:55):
know, as therapists we knowthat's where we start getting a
little staticky is when we arekind of confronted with other
people that may or may not bemirroring, you know, what we
authentically feel like we'reputting out there or we may be
triggering people and people maybe triggering us.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Yeah.
So I think one of the thingsthat I feel like is most
important when you're in thisspace of like speaking,
companionship is like the goalis to to meet your life partner.
For a lot of us in the in thedating world, however, when
you're approaching a date onlike a standalone basis, the
(03:34):
goal really shouldn't be.
I want this relationship towork like this this is, this is
my person.
So, and instead redirecting itto what can I learn from this
person, what can I benefit outof this connection, and
something.
Um, in a previous relationship,we were going through this uh,
(03:56):
you know evaluation process andwe're deciding whether or not to
enter commitment, and we knewwe had a clash in values and
goals and, you know, I wasn'tfar enough along in my journey
to kind of um, just kind ofdisengage, but it was.
It turned out to be for for thegood, because I learned a lot
because something that he saidwas I never want to hurt you and
(04:21):
.
I want to leave you better thanI found you.
And then we decided to end itbecause we reached a certain
part and was like, if we don'tend it, then we're not gonna
fulfill that goal, and that wassomething that I carried on as I
met future connections.
It was like what can I learnfrom this?
How can I benefit this person'slife?
(04:41):
How can they benefit my life inthis moment, whether or not we
continue?
on past tonight and that led forlike a lot more authentic
connection and um and noexpectation on either end, and
it was sometimes it was justauthentic and genuine
communication.
Sometimes I learned parts aboutmyself.
They would point outinconsistencies in what I was
(05:03):
saying.
Yeah right right, yeah, yeah.
So, like you know, we'regrowing in this, and then I
realized like, as I kind of had,this mindset and the attachment
to this working out startedlessening, I started meeting a
lot more people that were muchmore compatible.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
I love kind of that, that growth mindset of like,
what can I learn through thisprocess?
Not like how can I find the one?
You know it's more about, let mejust step into this moment and
then learn what I need to learnand step into the next moment
that takes so much pressure offof yourself to be, you know, in
this energy of like, um,achieving, you know achievement,
(05:45):
culture, like I have to findthe one, but rather like, let me
be available to learn throughthis, because as I learn, I grow
and as I grow I change, and youknow it's all for this, like
self empowerment, and so reallyhaving the mindset that like,
yes, ultimately, maybe I amseeking commitment and I'm very
clear in what I allow, what Idon't allow, what I I'm
available for, what I'm notavailable for, but let me not
(06:06):
become so constructed in theprocess that I'm not learning.
And you know, because we cankind of get stuck in
relationships longer than weneed to be because we aren't
really available, we're too,we're too constricted in like
what we need it to be, whichbrings me up to like that whole
(06:28):
yes, but this person has suchgreat potential, we have so much
fun.
Like, ah, how do you grapplewith that, like, how do you keep
your mindset still in a goodplace when you may be seeing,
like, all this great potentialin a relationship, but what's
actually occurring isn'tmirroring that?
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yeah.
So I think it comes back toauthenticity and when we kind of
approach it for that mindset oflike I'm not seeking for this
person's work, I'm seeking longterm partnership, I'm seeking
commitment.
I'm not seeking it with thisindividual, because what that
does is.
It helps us be true to ourselvesin those connections, because
sometimes when we go into it andwe're like I want this person's
(07:09):
work because they have this,they have that, they're who I
want, they're everything right,they're everything that I think
I'm seeking.
Sometimes we put on a front andyou know, we're not being
ourselves, and that can lead toa couple different things
happening, and one of those, youknow, they think that we're the
person of their dreams.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
We go through this.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
And then we don't live up to their expectation.
That's an unhealthy dynamic, orwe spend the whole relationship
continuing to fake that, thatpersona that we put on yeah and
drain ourselves in the processand the other part of it is, you
know, when we do show upauthentically, we are
(07:57):
confronting that fear ofrejection, because it is scary
to completely put yourself outthere, flaws and all, and say
this person could either love meas I am or see me and reject
that.
And just because we may not beliked by certain people, it
doesn't mean that we'reunlikable and so we're
confronting that belief as well,because we're giving someone
(08:20):
the opportunity to say you know,I don't think you're my person,
just like we're trying to dofor them and and and that we're,
we're being true to ourselvesand we're you know.
If that were to happen andsomeone doesn't see us as the
compatible partner, we can startto work on that belief and just
say I still have value, eventhough I don't fit this person's
(08:43):
life that I really, I reallywant to be with and it's, it's.
It can be hurtful, but you knowit can be tricky.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
It can be very tricky and I think that, like,
hopefully in that self-workphase you've kind of been able
to like grapple a lot of thatout, but they can, you know,
those situations can sneak inwhere you're like gosh, all of
this person marks, all of theseboxes.
But there is this one thing that, like, is so starkly contrast
to like what I authenticallywant, and we can go into this
(09:16):
very codependent type ofbehavior where, like, let me
shift and change part of myselfin order to, you know, get what
I want from this person.
And you know, at the end of theday, like that in itself is
that's kind of manipulating notonly ourselves but somebody else
, and you do kind of have to bevery conscious about like this
(09:37):
is something that was nonnegotiable for me.
Or, you know, I see all ofthese great possibilities that
this person could become andthey say the right thing and
they, you know they set theintention, and yet their
behavior is very different thanwhat they're saying.
And so, really being incommunication with yourself, in
communication with your supportsystem, just to hear and see
(10:01):
what it is that you need to hear, so you don't get stuck in that
trap of trying to manipulatesomething for what it could be
versus what it is right now yeah, and I love that, yeah, yeah,
go.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
Ahead oh, sorry, I didn't cut y'all no, yeah, that
kind of goes right into, youknow the dating for potential or
and or not dating for potentialand dating, for you know who
that person actually is.
Um, because there's a lot oftimes we, you know, we see like
these aspects of this person,like, oh, like this is what I
(10:35):
would do if I was in their shoesand we kind of project like who
they become and we completelynegate.
They might be completely happywith who they are and they might
be fine right, yeah, yeahperfectly okay.
You know, sometimes there'sareas where you know we should
want to grow, but there'ssometimes where it's like, no,
like I like myself in thesethoughts.
(11:11):
It might not be compatible withwhat you're considering
potential and you're hearingsomeone you know say all the
right things and you're seeingtheir behavior not lining up.
What I tell people is, if theycouldn't speak, they couldn't
communicate verbally.
Or if you're writing, whatwould their behavior tell you
(11:31):
about?
How they feel about you and whothey are as a person.
Because behavior is a languageand it's honestly the most.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Because it shows us, your values yeah, yeah, yeah it.
It's a form of communication,when you know we we learned that
at the very earliest of all thestages of life is behavior to
get some type of attendance.
So it's something that that wecontinue to use and I think
that's a great point.
(11:58):
So, when you talk aboutauthenticity, you know how
important is that when you gointo the spaces of communicating
with people you know, dating isa funny, fickle thing.
You know, there's so manystories out there that are like
oh, I met so and so they saidthey wanted this type of
relationship.
But like then, all of a sudden,they ghosted me.
(12:20):
Like what, how do you, how doyou need to move into that space
of like authenticity when itcomes to meeting and
communicating with people?
Speaker 2 (12:30):
we might tell people like hey, like I don't, you know
you did this thing or I don'tlike that, and instead trying to
shift it into hey, like when Inoticed, when you did this, I
(12:52):
was feeling this way insidemyself.
And, you know, I think it mightbe because of this other factor
and I'm just wondering ifthere's a way where we can
navigate through that and try tofigure out.
Like you know, am I seeingthings unclearly or kind of like
what's your intention behindthis?
Because this is how we feel thatI don't know if I'm necessarily
(13:16):
even right to feel that way.
I don't know if that's just my.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
I love that you kind of formulated that as like, feel
secure enough to ask questionsif you see discrepancies, you
know to seek clarification.
If somebody is putting outthere like I'm looking for
something serious and saying allthese things and then yet has
no time or making you know theinvestment and getting to know
each other a priority, to beable to say, hey, you know, is
(13:43):
this something that you're stillinterested in pursuing or have
you changed your mind orwhatever, and giving people the
autonomy and agency to do that,I think a lot of people, you
know, with our ghosting culture,you know they will ghost
because they don't want to havean authentic conversation and
communication about, maybe achange in feelings or maybe a
(14:03):
change in, like, their focus oftheir life.
You know, it doesn't alwayshave to be something like that
feels so rejecting.
It could just be like I'm justnot in a space right now where I
thought I was.
You know, and if we, if wearen't in a place, I think, as
individuals, to go into datingwith, being able to be authentic
in our communication, beingauthentic in what our intentions
(14:26):
are, we probably need to goback and do a little bit of that
self-work If it feels reallyuncomfortable to tell somebody,
hey, like I had a great timewith you, but I'm really having
more of a friend vibe, like ifwe can't say that, then we
probably need to go back and doa little bit more work, because
playing games, you know waiting,you know 35 minutes before you
(14:46):
text back like that'sinauthentic energy and somewhere
there's going to be static thatcomes from that.
So I think it's not onlyimportant to look at that in the
people that we're interactingwith, but like, look at
ourselves and be like wait aminute.
Why am I having such a hardtime saying this is a friend
connection, or this, that andthe other?
(15:06):
What is it?
What is it within me that's souncomfortable with that?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
yeah, yeah, and I hear, um, I hear it a lot from
from women, um, you know, theghosting is a little bit more
popular with how they experiencethat, and I've also heard it
from some of my male friends and, like you know, people that
I've dated where you know theykind of are talking about their
growth experiences.
Like you know, it comes from aplace of like I don't, you know,
(15:32):
I still care about this person,like I don't want to hurt them,
I don't want to tell them.
You know that I'm not feelingit anymore.
But yeah, there's one guy I wastalking to and he was like like
like the hope is kind of whatcan fuel it with women?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
that get.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah, I don't have to take their hope out back and
kind of shoot it like in a in away that's caring and loving,
but like, yeah, you know,leaving that that, like you know
, hot and cold, it's kind ofdoing more damage.
I think that happens, um, whenmen experience it too.
Yeah, as well, because you'rejust kind of hanging on and
you're in that back and forthand it's, you know, a lot of
(16:10):
people are trying to not hurtone another, but the caring
thing to do is honestly be moreauthentic in our communication
and be like you're a greatperson.
I believe you deserve all thesegood things in life.
I either don't feel like I canprovide them for you or kind of
these are things that I feellike are important to me, and I
don't want you to change who youare to meet my needs because
(16:33):
that's unfair to both of us.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Yeah, and I think that that goes to, like you know
, in your self-worth, gettingprepared to have a lot more
mental and emotional tenacity togo through the dating process
to just be like, just let it bean enjoyable process, without
like a lot of pressure andconstructions within, like you
know, people that are willing tomeet and this that and the
(16:57):
other meat, and this that andthe other, because I think that
that becomes like a vessel forthe resistance chicken and meat.
Now I will say in fulldisclosure I have ghosted a few,
but only when they have rolledup with those red flags and I
was like no, we're not evengoing to get.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Yeah, and and sometimes you do kind of have to
for your safety, becausesometimes you can see certain
red flags where it's kind oflike, okay, there's certain
personalities where it's likethe best way to stay safe is to
just not respond, because theycommunicate strictly through
conflict and then basically theytake that hurt and that shame
(17:35):
that they're going to experienceit and they could, they could
be threatening that.
You know I've experienced thatas well with you know they felt
rejection and and they, you know, kind of got a little crazy on
me.
So to stay in touch withyourself and trust your
intuition on when and askyourself is am I choosing to
(17:58):
ghost or because I am protectingmyself and this is what's the
best thing to do, or is it thatI just don't feel safe in
communicating these feelings?
I don't want to hurt thisperson.
And that's a hard line sometimes.
So I think, it's just aboutlike being genuine to yourself
and knowing what is theappropriate way to navigate
(18:20):
those individual observations.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Let's talk a little bit aboutflags Like what would red,
yellow, green, like what wouldthey kind of be indicating and
can you give us some examples?
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Yeah.
So first of all, let's startwith red flags, because those
are the first ones that you wantto identify before you even get
to like green flags, becausered flags?
Are automatic no's, they'rejust like?
Absolutely not, I will not dealwith this and those can kind of
vary from person to person,based on what you're willing to
tolerate, to be honest.
(18:58):
So, um, but I think, in justlike in those situations like
dishonesty, like if you can't,don't have trust in a
relationship, what do you have?
Um?
controlling behavior, like if Ican't be myself and I have to be
who you want me to be.
You know that's typically likestraight red flag.
(19:18):
Um, you know so, lying,cheating, um, you know all of
those things.
And, um, when we get to yellowflags, those are the kind, those
are the ones we want to kind ofwatch, like it doesn't mean,
like it's an automatic, like I'mgoing to like cut off
immediately.
Those can, those can look likemaybe a difficulty with
(19:42):
emotional availability, and Isay that's a yellow flag because
it could go either way, becausethey might be trying to date
intentionally and they might belike I'm not going to put all of
myself out there and becompletely vulnerable before,
like you know, two to threemonths, like you know.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'll gradually increase vulnerability.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
But you know I'm not jumping all in until I know what
I'm jumping all into.
So, yeah, that's when you kindof got to watch, if you feel
that so they should be kind ofincreasing and their ability to
connect emotionally.
And if they're just kind ofstaying level and you've been
dating like four or five months,that probably is a sign of
(20:28):
genuine emotional unavailabilityand not right right then being
cautious so the yellow flags arekind of where you get a sense
that there's an area that theyare experiencing maybe some
discomfort or difficulties, andit's something that you, you
(20:50):
know.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
It's not harmful, it's not dangerous, it's not
rooted in conflict, but it's anindicator that it may be
difficult to establish a safe,secure connection with this
person longer term.
So it's not necessarily overtlyharmful, but it could be.
If it doesn't get addressed, ifit's not communicated, if it's
(21:13):
bypassed or avoided, it couldultimately become a red flag
that you've invested a lot oftime and energy into, a red flag
that you've invested a lot oftime and energy into yeah, and
another example is the completeopposite of that.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
They're jumping all in and like they're like
excessive, complimenting theirfuture planning, and it could be
like I've heard of situationswhere like no, like I knew she
was going to be my wife or myhusband on the first date.
I still, you know, approachthings slow, sometimes yeah,
sometimes no.
Sometimes, you know, you jumpall in and it works.
Sometimes it doesn't right soum there's no, there's no strict
(21:49):
formula here exactly yeah, thatwould be considered a yellow
flag.
Because you're like, you justmet me, like why are you saying?
that like I'm the love of yourlife on all these things, like
we've been on three dates likecome on now, yeah yeah, but at
the same time they could justknow super early and they could
just be very intuitive.
So, um, you just kind of wantto watch that behavior and see
(22:12):
okay is this starting to fizzleout?
Is this shifting to okay, she's, she or he isn't jumping all in
the same.
Let me start attacking or youknow trying to do like
backhanded compliments todecrease their their self worth.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Yeah, so that's, that's an.
You know, I think it soundslike the yellow flags can be
really tricky If you have notreally done a lot of your own
work to know how you like, whatyour defense mechanisms are or
an end, or how you validate orpace things.
You know, because that could be, you know what looks like a
(22:50):
yellow flag can come from a verygenuine place.
Maybe this person is justreally excited about getting to
know you and feels like a verystrong connection.
But if they get angry orcombative when you don't endorse
it or when you don't commit,you know they start becoming
very resentful that you're notgiving them that validation in
(23:12):
return.
Red flag.
If they said I understand, likeyou don't have to tell me how
you feel right now.
I just genuinely, you know,want to communicate that to you.
That's a green flag that'ssaying, hey, I give you autonomy
and agency, just like I have.
And in mine, I want to sharethat with you.
And you know so that yellowflag is just a place to say
(23:33):
pause.
And you know we've talked a lotabout mindset.
But I think so much of this iswe experience it in our body.
How does my body feel whensomebody may be coming with
something that looks like ayellow flag and I confront it in
a healthy way, because I'vebeen doing this work and I'm
comfortable and confident toconfront things.
How does my body feel when I dothat and that person responds?
(23:54):
It's a huge indicator of whatdirection these flags are going
to go.
If our body is feeling likeoverstimulated, overwhelmed,
like it wants to contract,that's a red flag.
We need to trust our body, evenif our mind is saying, yeah,
but like also, like all thispotential.
And you know he came back andapologized, you know.
(24:17):
So I think this is, you knowwe've talked about mindset so
much of this is we alsoexperience it in our bodies to
when we're in that place of like.
What trajectory is this goingto go?
When, when I place kind of aboundary or or a line in a not
in the sand, but just a line tosee what this actually is, how
does this person respond?
(24:37):
And that that tends to be agood indicator of what side is
that going to go?
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Yeah, and I think that's a good lead.
And to green flies, because inall of those scenarios where you
know you have those yellowflags and maybe, like we talked
about before, you've done thework and you're comfortable
addressing those in a way,that's like hey, like you know,
I'm noticing this.
This is how I feel.
How are they respecting thoseboundaries?
That?
(25:03):
you set Like how are theyresponding to like, for example,
like hey, you know, I I feellike a little bit overwhelmed by
you know, how quickly you knowyou're wanting to move and and
how quickly you're like wantingto progress this relationship,
and if they are kind of tryingto talk you out of like feeling
(25:29):
that way like that's definitelya red flag.
But if they're like you knowwhat I see, where you're coming
from, and I just wanted to youknow, tell you how I felt.
But we can take things at thispace and I'm going to kind of
back off and give you space.
I'm not can take things at thispace and I'm going to kind of
back off and give you space.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I'm not going to come on as strong and I'm going to
respect that boundary that youhave there and be, intentional
with growing in thisrelationship rather than trying
to like steal the deal right nowright, right, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think that it's such a youknow, people who can can be in
discomfort and and be somewhat,you know, see things as somewhat
(26:09):
difficult.
You know, maybe I really wantto be in this relationship right
now and like we can go have funand we and I have all these
things in my mind that we couldbe doing, but like she's not
ready or he's not ready, let mepause, like that's kind of
difficult for me and it's notwhat I really want to do, but I,
I prefer this person to havelike their own agency and making
that decision, then feel thepressure if they can regulate
(26:31):
themselves in that discomfort.
That's a big.
That's such a big green flag,like such a huge because all of
a sudden, yeah, because then youfeel safe to be able to like,
move forward in the way thatfeels authentic to you.
And I think green flags do feelsafe and they feel safe
consistently.
You know this conversation hasto come up or this boundary has
(26:54):
to be placed, and that person isable to say, okay, I respect
that I, you know able to say,okay, I respect that I, you know
I'll respond appropriately toit, or I may disagree, this is
what I'm seeing and and they'reable to come up with some other
type of like, understanding ofhow to navigate that if they, if
you, still consciously want topursue that, I think that that's
(27:15):
, you know, such a miss likeunderstood.
You know situations that a lotof times, before couples even
come together to a commitment,they've had some of this pacing
difficulty and it's in thatpacing difficulty that you
really get to see who somebodyis and where they're at and
their availability to be ahealthy, secure partner.
(27:36):
And so if you, if you're notexperiencing any of that like
whether it's like, maybe youknow somebody has kids and the
other person doesn't have kids,and so if you, if you're not
experiencing any of that likewhether it's like, maybe you
know somebody has kids and theother person doesn't have kids,
and so the availability isdecreased.
Like, how does that like come upwhen you're kind of talking
about, like you know, settingtime and getting to know each
other?
It could be a myriad of things,but it's in that, in that
(27:57):
dating phase, that you need tohave a little bit of that static
to see how does somebodynavigate that static.
And if you don't, if everythingis like easy and wonderful,
it's coming, it's coming.
And it's better to have alittle of that before commitment
, because once you're incommitment, there is a little
(28:17):
bit of resistance, becauseyou've most likely had a
declaration, Maybe you'veintroduced family and friends,
Maybe you posted on social mediaHeaven forbid.
And now, yeah right, Like nowthat there's this commitment,
you're now seeing these thingsthat have to be addressed, but
they may be yellow or red, andthere's a much harder transition
(28:40):
into that and it's much moredifficult to confront it when
you get to that place.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
So yeah, yeah, and I think the biggest things with
the green flags are like respect, effective communication,
emotional intelligence, trust,and in that situation that you
just talked about, where theperson is respecting those
boundaries and communicatinglike they're demonstrating all
(29:07):
of those green flags with thatbehavior, and so you, you can
truly just kind of you know,decipher, you know what.
What is this like thing thatI'm experiencing like?
Speaker 1 (29:22):
am.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
I is.
Is this a red flag or a greenflag?
And and so with that, you umare are just able to try to see
who they are, how and howthey're going to communicate in
the relationship, because that'skind of what you're evaluating
because relationships like thebiggest thing is healthy
communication, so you're reallyable to see in the now, like you
(29:46):
just said, yeah, okay, who are?
They?
How are they going to expresstheir feelings toward me?
How are they going to expresstheir hurt or their anger, or
their feelings of inadequacy?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
within their relationship.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
So it just tells you so much.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah, and I think you know also going through this
process like part of getting toknow people is being vulnerable
with who you are too, and youknow, I mean, I may have had a
couple of little yellow flagsmyself I probably still have
them now every once in a whilebut I think, like being
(30:23):
available to also, you know, bein a place of compassion and
understanding and vulnerabilityyourself.
This isn't about like here's thematrix of what somebody needs
to bring to me and they need toprovide, but being open to
vulnerability, of like when youmay have been a little bit of a
yellow flag, to be open tocommunication and say, hey,
listen, like I am in my avoidantrecovery and I was way over
(30:45):
stimulated with work and so anytype of like, you know, pull,
pull on me made me want to likejust shut down.
But that's something I'mworking on and I want to, I want
to come in and process thatwith you.
That's so important to besomebody who's also, like,
conscious and cognizant of theirown flags, you know, and and
being able to talk about themwith the people that are are
(31:07):
pursuing them or that they arepursuing.
So all of that to say I mean,I'm glad I'm not out there.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Dating it's tough, it's tough and I want something
that you said that I wanted toget your opinion on when you
were talking about.
Like you know, I have my yellowflags and they they're probably
still there.
I'm wondering what yourthoughts are.
It's like you're meetingsomeone and for the first, like
part of your dating, you're notseeing any red or yellow flags.
(31:38):
Is that a red flag?
Are they being inauthentic andputting on a front?
Speaker 1 (31:45):
that a red flag?
Are they being inauthentic andputting on a front?
Yeah, I mean, I think that thatis definitely something that if
all you're seeing is greenflags, you really need to pay
attention to your body andseeing.
What is my intuition saying andam I giving this person enough
access to see them with, withthe level of vulnerability that
people need to be seen?
And, you know, am I seeing himor her in different environments
(32:07):
, with different people, amongdifferent people that I know,
you know, with people that areof higher status or lower status
?
Am I providing enoughenvironments for me to really
observe this person in in thatstate and to be honest with you,
like there is like six or 7% ofthe population that have those
(32:29):
really secure attachments?
But if somebody seems like agreen flag, let's say they've
never been in a long-termcommitment they are 50 years old
, like there are some thingsthat, developmentally, you can
go back and look and say I'mcurious as to why these
developmental phases maybedidn't occur.
And those are the type ofquestions I would start bringing
(32:53):
up to people who are nothingbut a bunch of green flags,
because I would like to know isthat avoidance, or is that just
a lack of access, or whatever itis, and see how people respond.
If you are not validating allthe green flags because that in
and of itself is a, is a redflag, that if you can't see you
(33:13):
know something that might be ayellow flag.
I'm not saying there's redflags to be like.
You know well, we'll let thosego because all of these are
green.
I'm saying there should be someyellow flags.
You're not seeing any.
That's something to talk about.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
And if they aren't receptive to that, then that's a
red flag yeah and and somethingthat you know you mentioned
there, like that's um, that's ared flag, it's like they're not
open to talk about it or afteryou kind of point out these
other things, but it's kind ofalso a red flag in you If you're
(33:48):
putting on these rose coloredglasses that you haven't done
all your self work if you'remeeting this person you've been
dating months and you're likethis person's never done
anything wrong and they couldnever have anything wrong with
them.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
Yes, yeah, and I think that's one of the
unfortunate things of, you know,being out in the dating world
and genuinely doing thatself-work and doing that healing
work is it's, and people learnto say the right things, and so
it's so important, when we talkabout potential versus behavior,
(34:27):
that you do give yourself timeand somebody else time to see
who you are and they are, overthe course of a consistent
amount of situations.
And you know it's as therapists,we know like masking is a real
thing and you know we have to gointo dating intentional and
conscious, but also recognizeit's.
(34:50):
It's a place of play and we'rehere to enjoy our, our space,
Cause we, we genuinely want apartner to be a pleasure to be
with and enjoyable.
But we can't do that if we're,if we're just, you know, taking
everything at face value and andwe are masking ourselves, and
that's the whole.
The whole point of this seriesis what are some things, what
(35:10):
are some highlights that youneed to be aware of for yourself
, so that you can step into thatand then see if others are
actually in that same space withyou, or have they just learned
how to show up to that table, orif they just learned how to
show up to that table.
So, even though I'm not dating,I love my partner, happily
(35:31):
coupled.
But I think with some of these,some of this advice, I'd feel
better getting out there if thatwas where I was at.
So I appreciate you sharingthat with us.
And is there any other adviceyou would give to our listeners
or our viewers around you knowany other things to be mindful
of as you step into dating in avery conscious way?
Speaker 2 (35:53):
yeah, I think it's also about um.
We were talking about the, thered flags and, like you were
mentioned, like does my bodyfeel safe?
And I think a big, big thingthat a lot of people don't do is
give yourself permission toleave or end a relationship or
(36:13):
not enter one if it just doesn'tfeel right.
You don't need a big reason,you don't need them to do
something if you just don't,aren't feeling it for whatever
reason.
You are fully within your rightto end that connection and
you're worthy to do soAbsolutely.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
Absolutely.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
I think that's great advice, that you know, I think
especially for women, justbecause we've been
generationally kind ofconditioned to be compliant and
pleasing women, just becausewe've been generationally kind
of conditioned to be compliantand pleasing, that, you know, if
something feels off andsomething just is, is is
genuinely just kind of a no foryou, it's okay to say no, it's
okay to say you know, it's not amatch, that you don't owe any
(36:59):
anybody, anything.
And that was something Idefinitely said in dating like
you don't owe me anything, Idon't know you anything.
We're just getting to know eachother.
Cause people be like oh, I'msorry I didn't text you Good
morning or good night.
I'm like, please don't.
Like I don't want, I don't, Idon't need more texts to respond
to because, like you don't oweme that, like I, I have.
(37:28):
No, I have no expectation ofthat.
And in return, if, if I say noto dating like I don't owe you a
date, just because you textedme good morning or good evening
or whatever you know, for threedays in a row, I don't owe you a
date.
So really understanding that asyou step into that space, like
you, the only person you arecommitted to at that point is
yourself.
That's it so, which leads usinto our next episode and our
(37:55):
next series, which is going tobe about conscious commitment.
You know how to enter into that.
What are some of the highlightsand the things to be aware of
and the steps to take as you'reready to come out of the dating
field and make a committedrelationship, and I'm excited to
hear more about that and justyour advice and suggestions for
all of our listeners.
(38:15):
So, thank you, allison.
As always, it's a pleasure tohave you on here, and I know
we're going to have many, manymore series and episodes around
relationships, as that'ssomething you're so gifted in.
And I know we're going to havemany, many more series and
episodes around relationships,as that's something you're so
gifted in, and I would justrecommend anybody who is looking
(38:36):
for some couples work orindividual work around
relationships to reach out.
Part of what she brings is justher authenticity and and her
genuine acceptance of wherepeople are at and and really
working towards where they wantto be.
So thank you, alison, forjoining.
Thank you to all of ourlisteners and viewers.
We'll see you guys next time.
Bye, bye.
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