October 20, 2022 • 47 mins
Episode Four: Moving Through Grief
An Interview with Emily Speed
On March 1st 2016 Emily Speed received the call no one wants to hear. At age 36, her husband, best friend, and love of her life for nine years was gone. A young mother of a seven and one year old found herself in a place she never expected to be in. Emily walks us through her grief struggle, how God used the grief and her marriage to impact others. Finally, Emily shares with us the other side of her grief. Today she shares her life with her second love of her life Jeff. Together Emily and Jeff have a beautiful blended family of four and live through a lens of appreciation and gratitude that can only be found because of their joint grief struggle.
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:15):
Welcome to and then it's a podcast where we look at
what comes after her struggle,the tough season or setback. My
name is Susie Chafin. And I'mabsolutely passionate about
helping people transform fromstruggling surviving, to
absolutely thriving. Today'stopic is it's pretty heavy one,
we're going to be diving intothe topic of moving through
(00:36):
grief. Grief is not somethingany of us can avoid. We're all
going to go through it probablymany, many times over. Interview
I have the privilege of sharingwith you all today is a
beautiful story of Emily speedsfirst love of her life. There
are beautiful story and theunfortunate untimely passing,
(01:00):
and how God used their marriageand their relationship to impact
others, and how she found thestrength and the courage to
choose to continue to live. Shemet her second love of her life,
Jeff, and together today theyhave a beautiful blended family.
And they live through a lens ofappreciation that can only be
(01:23):
found because of their jointgrief struggle. As you listen to
this interview, I am keenlyaware that there are so many
paths to healing and how to movethrough grief. This is just one
story of how Emily moved throughit. My hope and my prayer is
that Emily's story is going tobe a blessing to you. Emily
(01:47):
speed, just to give you a littlebackground on her. She and her
husband Jeff are MadisonMississippi residents and she
personally has found tremendoussuccess with Aflac. She's worked
with that organization since2005, serving in many many
leadership roles, and is alsopart of the South East territory
Halifax Hall of Fame. She alsois very involved in her
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community, she serves hercommunity through the American
Heart Association. She's on theboard of her children's school
PTA, and she's also a committeemember for the child advocacy
centers. Here's Emily's story.
So let's let's just start aquick snapshot of the beginning.
(02:31):
I was on an airplane fund inNorth Carolina, divorced in the
dumps, I would say I was youngand dumb at the time. And I
remember looking out the windowon an airplane ride to North
Carolina telling myself you knowwhat, you deserve better. You
(02:53):
know, your life does not have tobe you know, with bad
relationships, bad people. Ichanged the recorder in my
brain. And I said because I feltlike your brain is the most
powerful machine in the world,if you could call it that. But I
(03:15):
remember looking out a windowgoing, I deserve better. I am
going to meet someone that isgoing to be awesome and a great
partner and a great husband. Andjust a few months later after
that. God brought blame to mywife. We met at a crawfish boil
(03:35):
here in town. And immediatelywhen I've met him, I knew this
feeling is a little different.
And you know two days later, hecalled me. He always say he
waited two days. Those are theones two days in my life. He
called me and I remember sittingat my parents house going after
(03:56):
that first phone call going, Ithink I'm gonna marry this guy.
And, you know, I rememberwalking outside talking to my
mother and she was like, what Iwas 28 years old at the time.
And she was like, You're crazy.
You know, my mom. My parents hadbeen together for gosh, since
(04:17):
they were 14 and 15. Still,they're still married, happily
married. But anyway, I remembertelling my mom I met someone and
she said there's no way. So fastforward to four days later.
We're going on our first day.
And I remember Blaine looking atme on our way home from a little
restaurant here in town grabbingmy arm and going you know, are
(04:39):
you ready for your fairy tale?
You know, six months later, wewere engaged. Two months later,
we were married. Nine monthslater, we had a baby. And, you
know, fast forward to you know,five and a half years later we
(04:59):
had to another child. And so Iwas definitely living my fairy
tale. And in his reign itactually says, you know, fairy
tales do come true. And so itwas an awesome marriage. We were
together for nine years. Beforehe he actually passed away. Um,
(05:20):
I look back on that day and go,Oh, God, what? Why did it happen
like that? And I know exactlywhat happened like that. You
know, the weekend leading up tohim traveling out of town. He I
was gone. I actually had agirlfriend, little party that
(05:44):
Friday night, on Saturday, I'dgone to the Delta with my little
Junior artillery group. OnSunday, he flew out well, that
whole weekend, he got to spendtime with our children at the
time, they were seven and oneyou know, and blind fight a lot
of golf. So I'm a normalweekend, he probably would not
(06:05):
have been, you know, hanging outwith the little children, I
guess you would say. But anyway,he flew off on that Sunday. And
then two days later, I was in anail salon here in Madison, and
I'm going to go now for 14years. And I remember my
assistant call me crying andsaying, hey, you need to call
(06:28):
this number. Something's wrongwith something's wrong with your
husband would blame and may goand what, you know what? And
they said, you know, he's notbreathing. So, of course, you
know, call this number my handswere in the water. You know,
the, the nail salon, the peoplein the nail salon, were breaking
out because I'm yelling, what'sgoing on? You know what's
(06:50):
happening. And I hung up withthis, this lady who was in
Georgia at the time, which iswhere mine was in a meeting. And
she said, He's not breathing. SoI hung up with her called my
father asked him to quickly comepick me up, you know, I needed
(07:11):
to do something. By the time wegot to our neighborhood.
You know, I called back thisnumber. And they said he still
was not breathing. And I knew,you know, I've watched enough
Dateline episodes where, youknow, if you're not breathing
for 510 15 minutes, something'swrong. I remember walking into
(07:34):
my parents house at that time.
And my dad just, you know,sitting there and he grabbed me
said let's just pray Let's justpray right now let's pray. And
we prayed and just so happenedto AT and T guy was at my, my
dad's house at my parents house.
And he's wondering, like, whatis going on what is happening?
(07:54):
I'm just here to fix the phones,like what's happening. And
anyway, the next the next phonecall from them was, you know, he
didn't make it. So it was a itwas a fast, you know, 2030
minutes. And I just remembersitting there going, I just kind
(08:17):
of had like an out of bodyexperience. Wow, like, you know,
whoa, like this. How can thishappen? I'm you know, 36 he's 42
You know, I have a one year old.
You know, I have a seven yearold you know, what, what in the
Wow, just kind of knocked youout knots the bread that'd be
(08:37):
what was interesting about thatday, was on that day that
morning, I was driving intowork. And I remember on you
know, Burnham on on Facebook,you know, her her daughter had
died years and years ago, andevery, every year she had the
anniversary date of her death orher birthday. And I remember
(09:02):
driving in my car on that daygoing God. She is living in a
prison that she never getsdelayed from that she ever year
has to look at this date. Andevery year she has to start
over. And she gets to walk onEarth. But she's still
handcuffed. And I remember thatin my brain that morning going
(09:26):
God I feel so sorry for herbecause she had to choose to
relive this every year. And thenhere I was. I'm fixing Ave in
the same same boat. I'm fixingthis is I'm in prison. I'm
stuck. And I can't get out. AndI just remember thinking, Oh,
(09:47):
why did I have that thought thismorning? You know, why did I
think of that? You know, and Ihad a lot of regret that day.
That day was a busy day for meat work. You know, I was in a
meeting all day, blindedactually text me that day and I
did not respond. So now I alwaysrespond to text. Even if I'm
(10:09):
busy, I always stop and respond.
And he had text me that morningand just told me he loved me.
So, you know, I knew I knew,like, what, you know, I did feel
guilty about not responding, butI knew he knew that I loved you.
(10:30):
So, but, you know, kind of kindof fast forward from that day.
Blaine was an only child. Youknow, his mom and dad, his dad
was actually at home andSummerall, their hometown, his
mom was actually on a cruiseship, she had never been on a
cruise. And this was her firsttrip on cruise. And she actually
(10:53):
had to be, you know, told by herhusband on the cruise ship that
Biden passed away. And so ourfirst reaction was, let's try to
get her off the cruise ship, shewas able to get off the cruise
ship and get back to get backhome, which took her you know, a
couple of days. And it also,because Blaine was in Georgia,
when it happened, it took acouple of days for him, or his
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body to get back here. But, um,you know, during that process,
you know, with the grave withthe sadness with, you know,
looking at two children. Youknow, it was it was horrible. I
mean, there's really no, there'sreally no way to put it, it was,
(11:39):
you know, there were days, Iremember going to the heart
doctor, you know, a couple ofweeks after just asking God,
like, I want to die, you know, Ido not want to do this. I
literally can't, I cannot dothis. And I just remember the
doctor coming in at the HeartClinic going, you're fine. Well,
(12:03):
I wanted to, I wanted to havearts out, you know, I want him
to tell me and he said, he said,You're fine. He said, You have
you have a broken heart. And,you know, unfortunately, you're
just, you're gonna be okay. Andthen I think it was that day,
you know, which is was a coupleof weeks later, when I realized,
(12:25):
you know, I'm not going to die,that I was sitting there, I
ended up staying at my parentshouse. Over the next couple of
months, I couldn't go back to myhouse. Because we'd built our
house, you know, and I just, Ijust was not ready to do that.
But I remember, we were allsitting there hanging out one
(12:48):
day, and a friend of mine goes,you know, mowing is gonna be
raw, you know, and just Just beprepared. You know, you're not
gonna find someone like Blaine.
So whoever you make, becauseyou're still young, you know,
they're never going to be him.
(13:09):
And they're never going to be asgreat as he was. Just Just be
prepared. You know, if you meetsomeone, they're not going to
be, they're not going to begood. And I remember, I remember
looking at her, I can't rememberwho it was. But I remember
looking at her and I said, youknow, what, I am going to meet
someone just as great as Waynewas because lamb would make sure
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that I was taken care of. And Iknow for a fact that whoever
this this person is, you know,whenever that happens, they're
going to come in, and they'regoing to pick up right where he
left off. And we're going to begreat, but I never let his death
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or the grave set into my brainhave never been happy again. And
since this since this time, CAI've had so many friends,
colleagues, relatives that havelost their spouses, and that's
one thing I can say. A lot ofthem still live in that death.
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And and that's you know,everybody grieves differently
and I'm not it's no shame here.
It's our you know, I love peoplewhere they are. Because I feel
like that's what you know, we'resupposed to do and not
everybody's me, that's when wehave vanilla and juggler. I
mean, you know, but I sit hereand go, Gosh, I wish they would
change their mindset because ifthey sit there and they just
(14:43):
continue to say, I'm never gonnameet my person. I'm never going
to be my person. I'm never gonnaget married. I'm never going to
you won't. Right. You're nevergoing to to continue your life.
What Was someone and be happy.
And that's okay. But I knew me,I know me better. And I know,
(15:07):
you know, I had a one year old,I have a seven year old two
boys, you know, I was nevermeant to be single, you know,
forever. I knew that. And Ifelt, you know, I deserve
happiness. I deserve, you know,someone that will will, will be
(15:28):
here for me, I deserve that. Andso I think that's so important.
You know, when, when somethinglike this happens, but, you
know, the day that thecardiologist came in and the
Heart Clinic and told me, Hey,you're not you're not dying,
you're you have a broken heart.
i That moment is when I had tostep up and put my big girl
(15:51):
panties on. You know, I didn'trush back to work, you know,
immediately, I took probably amonth or two off and cried and
sad was sad. You know, I gotinto different groups. You know,
my children, I went to theMcLean Fletcher center, you
know, went a lot until now, whenmy oldest was like, Mom, I don't
(16:12):
want to go back and talk aboutDad, every, you know, this is
sad. And I said, you know, whatwe're not, you know, I saw
counselors. You know, I tried tofigure out, but, but what I
realized was, you know, Waynewas in heaven, you know, and he
was fine.
(16:33):
You know, I had a dream onenight, that he came to me, and,
you know, I didn't physicallysee him, but I saw this light.
And I remember believing orthinking or feeling, hey, he,
uh, he always called me M. M.
Were great here. Like, you're,it's all good. And I remember
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this exact this exact words allas well. And every time I say
all as well, anywhere, make, youknow, it makes me think of that,
that dream or that thought orwhatever it was at the time. But
you know, and I think I thinkthat's important when when you
do lose someone, especially forus, you know, there were things
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building up to his death. Youknow, in January of lying down
march on March 1 of 16. InJanuary of that year, a dear
friend of ours passed away andhe was in his 50s. And it was a
shock it was it was a heartattack, similar to blinds and
got it just bothered me, I justlove this was a colleague, a
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friend of mine, he had adaughter, he babysat my children
like, oh, he was, he's a friend,you know, he passed away. And I
remember buying tele major inthat time, you know, in my, you
know, when your tickets called,you have to be ready. And so
that, that always resonated withme, because I remember him
saying that I remember thosewords coming to him. A couple of
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months before that. My aunt, hermother in law passed away. Same
thing, heart attack. And Iremember, you know, Cindy, Cindy
passed her husband, Brad, like,moved, I had moved on. And I
remember us all being in the carone night and Blaine saying, you
know, hey, Cindy's never comingback at all. Brad needs to be
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happy. Emily, if somethinghappens to me, I want you to,
you know, you start rememberingthings that come back. But also,
in January of that year, Iremember waking up one morning,
we were going to church. And Iwas in my bathroom and I was
just crying and laying walked inand he always he would always
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get upset with me when I getupset. But he was like, Emily,
you're such a you cried. Oprah.
You know, you. You triedeverything. You know, I remember
crying one morning and I had hada dream the night before. I
always have vivid dreams. Idon't know if it's a blessing or
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a curse. But I had a dream onenight in January, just you know,
within 60 days of his passingand the dream was you know, I
was sitting there on a big greenbeachside area. And I felt this
presence of God, you know, frontof me, and him looking at me,
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and you know, I saw all thesepeople going in and out of this
building on the water. And sincethen, someone has told me when
you say water, it's like God,you know, I know that. But I
remember looking out theregoing, what are all these people
doing? Why are they going in andout of this house? What is
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happening? And I just rememberthis thought Are this feeling
common to me that said, youknow, in line you have spent
your whole life you know,getting people to your work, you
know, getting people here, youneed to spend more of your time
getting people to God. And Iwoke up, you know, guilt shame
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going, CA I have been focused onthe wrong thing, I need to get
people to God, like, I need toget people home, you know. And I
told mine that and he said inlight, how you can get dressed
perfect, like for jerk. He lostthat, you know, whatever. Um,
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so, you know, fast forward afterhe passed, I sat there and I
just asked God, I said, Oh mygosh, you know, is this did this
have to happen, you know, diddid he have to be taken for you
know, these things to happenand, and looking back because of
blinds passing.
(21:07):
You know, we actually hisassistant, you know, he, her
husband was an atheist and heclaimed to be an atheist at that
time, was not a believer in God.
Because of his passing, he is a,he is saved, had was baptized as
a Christian. They're neverthought they would get married,
they're married now happilymarried. That would have never
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happened. We had several severalpeople that started attending
church, just because they, theyfelt I guess, very sorry for me,
you know, they wanted to sitwith me in the pews. In the end,
they wanted to be there for meand, and I looked around the
room, that's first, you know,few months, because it was
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really hard. You know, and I sawlike, God, you know, his life
was taken, but all of thesepeople are gonna go to heaven
because of this. And, you know,I struggled with I grew up
Catholic my whole life. Youknow, when I was little, I was
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Christian, you know, I was neverbaptized. We always talked about
baptism at my church, and Ialways would sit there, you
know, my parents, becausethey're Catholic today. And we
would go, we were Christians,that's fine. You know, not a big
deal. But I remember thinking,I'm getting baptized. And so a
couple months after he passed, Igot baptized. And a few months
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later, my sister got baptized mymind, no, I got baptized. You
know, not to say, you know,we're still all believers in
Christ, but just so that, thatwe took that step in front of
people, those things would nothave happened. You know. So, you
know, you look back and you go,it was such a tragedy. And gosh,
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I would do anything for BlaineIngram to still be here. You
know, he was such an awesomeperson. Just his, you know, like
I say, is he he may have havepassed away young, but his
memory will last forever. Youknow, but looking back, you
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know, was it just, it was God,it was God's plan. You know, and
it sucks, you know, the, on theother end of that, but God, I
wouldn't take back, you know,seeing people getting baptized
and become becoming followers ofChrist, and you know, what he
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wouldn't either. So, and I knowthat and that, that makes me so,
you know, good. And, you know,worthy to move forward. And so,
you know, you fast forward to,to, you know, to where we are
now. So, you know, buying passedaway in March. You know, I ended
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up meeting Jeff, who's who'salso a widower as well. His wife
passed away in May, the sameyear. I look back, I was
fortunately not with blame whenhe passed away. I felt like that
was in God's plan. Because Iprobably would be in Whitfield
(24:27):
if I had walked in on him or sawhim. I portrayed to be a strong
person, but I'm really not. Youknow, whereas Jeff, he and his
children and his in laws wereall with his. They were all at
the beach on a family vacationwhen his wife passed away. And
(24:51):
he actually he actually theywere all in This condo, and she
went to the bathroom. And thenext thing you know, he walked
in and she's on the floor andshe's gone. Oh, my goodness. And
their oldest child, Hayden hadtried to perform CPR didn't
work. They had a helicopter flyto pick her up, you know, she
(25:16):
gets the hospital, they say, youknow, she'd gone. It's very
tragic. Very sad, because thechildren were there with their
girlfriends. So they all saw thedisplay of, of their mom.
So, you know, at the time, youknow, we have to have a very
different story. But it's thesame, you know, he was actually
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happily married for 22 years.
They're their children are 10and a half months apart. Mine
are five and a half years apart.
You know, actually, I feel likeI enjoyed my 20s While he was
married with kids when you're21. Um, so, you know, we ended
up meeting a few months. OnSeptember after that. I had a
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friend of mine reach out to meand say, Hey, do you? I know,
you're probably not ready. But,you know, I have a friend that
lost his wife, you know, wouldyou? Would you mind meeting him
for lunch? And that's the thingabout people that are going
through this, you realize youquickly realize you're not
alone. You know, I always tellpeople that join this club is
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the club nobody wants to be in.
But there is a community ofweirdos out there. And, you
know, my thing is, because a lotof my friends would would set me
up with other girls and losttheir spouse. And you know, I'm
sure we can, we went too long.
It was just we all havedifferent stories. We're all
(26:53):
we're all just different people.
But we all share that one thing.
That was the thing when I metJeff is, you know, we were able
to share that. And, you know,just kind of like the whole
Blaine situation when I metJeff, you know, on a Monday.
Four days later, he picked meup. We went to dinner. And the
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one that he actually went allout in the limo with some
flowers. Cuz I kind of made it abig deal was like many units our
first day, so you better make itcount. He did. He did. And then
I remember him walking me to mydoor on our first day. And, you
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know, I'm just grinning ear toear and I watch the door and,
you know, closing he's like, Ilove you. And I'm like, let me
do close the door in his face.
So anyway, um, when he gotmarried, you know, a few months
later, I thought we were crazy.
But, you know, the rest ishistory. So, you know, he was
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exactly the person that I feltlike, was was for me. And, you
know, we've, we've been togethernow almost five years and never
looked back. It was awful. Andit's Rocky, you know, it's, you
know, I tell people, it's like,every, every person is
different. I mean, you know,there's give and take, you know,
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there's, there's, there's,there's always the difference of
people, you know, he'sdefinitely not buying and binds
on him. And that's, that'sgreat. I mean, they're, they're
their own person. And I lovethem, you know, the same I mean,
you know, so it's, it's, I'vebeen able to experience true
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love twice in my life. So I hopeI never have to do it again.
But, um, you know, it's beenawesome. It was blending
families. You know, we were ablewe got married in the same
church that wine had his funeralyou know, we still attend is
(29:11):
still attend that church aswell. You know, I feel like with
Jeff, you know, you look back onthe things you didn't do. When
you were married before, youknow, I never prayed with
Blaine. I pray with Jeff atnight. Yeah, there's this little
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things that you look back and goGod, I wish I wish I would have
said this. I wish I would havedone this. I wish I would have
been here you know. So I'mtrying to kind of kind of not
make the same mistakes. Ofcourse, looking back and I
started this life was perfectwith lying to like it. I would
have gone the rest of my lifeand it would have been awesome
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the way it was. Um, but youknow, meaning having restorative
or, you know, meeting someonenew, I want it to be better than
ever. And so I definitely feellike, you know, someone put on
Facebook the other day, like, itwas one thing that you would do
you know, your husband likepray, like hold your hand, pray
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together, do it, it'll make youfeel so much better. You know, I
read, we have a little my dailybread Bible verse book that we
read together.
And when we don't, I'll text itto a remote to refer to her in
the morning. But I really wantto try to get better at that. I
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think that's so important.
Because you do you do in life gothrough hard times, tough times.
And it's just so important tokeep that kind of the center of
your marriage. Because it's notalways telling me what you know,
it's always sunshine andrainbows, it's you wake up every
day, you wake up every daysaying, I I'm gonna make the
(31:02):
circle back tosomething that you said in the
very beginning, that you have,that that recorder in your brain
where you said, I deservebetter. I think that's such a
powerful statement. Because theself talk that we say to
ourselves, really, you know, welike you kind of alluded to, we
can be self prophetic, like, I'mnever gonna be happy again, I'm
never gonna do this. And so youmade that conscious decision to
(31:23):
say, I'm going to do better. Andthen you made the decision
again, that being happy again,was going to be a choice, and it
didn't feel I know, it wasn'teasy. And you were you were
heartbroken. And you know, youcould have been binded to go on
and meet Blaine. But yourealized you had to kind of
(31:43):
muster up the strength and thechoice, the ability to make that
choice. I wanted to go back tothat time. I imagine you were
really, there had to be momentswhen you were really angry at
God.
You know, sure. But I kept onmyself. There has to be more.
(32:11):
And I feel like maybe because Iwas staring at a one seven year
old. Like, this wasn't normal.
Like why was the first personmiddle aged that had passed
away? That I knew, like, Ididn't have any friends that
have lost their husbands like,like, and it was it was a heart
(32:33):
attack. So it was like, youknow, like, I hadn't had like I
had, you know, when you're inhigh school you had, you know,
friends with suicide car wrecks.
You know, like, you know, like,accident, stuff like that. This
was the first middle aged spouselike, what you know, is crazy.
Like, how has this happened? Um,you know, I think I think that's
(33:00):
maybe why I was angry. Why do Ihave to be the first one, right?
Why can you pick someone thathad problems in their marriage?
I have all these friends thatyou know, are not all. Women,
like their husbands like, youknow, me. You know, and I think
it was more. It wasn't. Itwasn't more of an angry it was
(33:24):
why, but why me? Why did thishave to happen to me? You know
why? Like, we were so great. Whycouldn't we had Why couldn't he
have picked on? You know,somebody else?
Right, right. Right. Yeah. It'shard to see how he's going to
ultimately use that for good.
Yeah, sure. It's like mindboggling, like, you know that
(33:44):
that's what the Word says. Butit didn't feel like it at the
time.
No. And I'm just like, you know,heart attack like, right. Right.
What, you know, I just, it'slike, I wasn't, it was like, it
wasn't a drain that first weekbecause he was such a vivacious
personality, because it helpedme. Yeah.
(34:10):
You know, and then, you know, ofcourse, after this happened, you
look back and you go, Okay, whatdid I miss some signs? Like, you
know, he had like, a bloody nosea lot like, was that something?
He had it cauterized like, youknow, was there other signs, you
know, he was your typical male.
He never went to the doctor. I'mfine. I'm fine. I'm fine. You
know, did he have hearty? Like,do we just not see that? And
(34:32):
I'll tell you this too, becausehe did, you know, pass away.
This brought awareness to heartthat we had our neighbor, who's
a dentist in town, you know,came over office after and said,
I'm here. Thanks, Wayne. Theonly reason I went to the doctor
is because of what happened andguess what I had to have a stent
(34:55):
put in well, we At my dad, hehad to have some heart, you
know, stuff done because he hadnot gone to the doctor. Several
guys in the neighborhood like, Imean, you know, like these
people weren't even this wasn'teven on your radar. Nobody was
even thinking about this. So,you know, things like that
(35:17):
you're like, you know, if I wasnever angry, I was just more or
less Why Why me? And then Iquickly moved to well, it's me.
Okay. I'm gonna, I'm here. I'mnot waking up the same. This
isn't isn't that every day Iwoke up, and I kept going, Oh,
(35:37):
I'm in a nightmare, but I don'tthink I ever got angry.
That's so that's amazing. Andthen as far as having, I mean, I
know that your your boys were soyoung, seven and one. And I'm
sure the temptation, right? Imean, I'm imagining the
temptation would be to just kindof go inward, and to shut down
(36:01):
and not show up for your kids.
And I'm sure there was probablya little bit of that. But you
also I know, you did show up foryour voice. And you were the
Mom, how did you find thestrength to do that?
So when, you know, it was onewhen he passed when he turned
two, two weeks later, and Ididn't want to have a birthday
(36:23):
party. I didn't want to I didn'twant to celebrate, I just like
was like, let's get a mulliganand skip this year. And all my
girlfriend's my friends, I havea picture of us from the
birthday. And it was everyfriend I have with their
children. My colleagues, coworkers, I probably had over 100
(36:43):
people at his second birthday,and have a picture of me
lighting his candle. And youcould just tell I just looked
like Dec you know, just bad. Imean, I hadn't slept, I haven't
eaten. And up though, like, theyall helped. You know, it's so
(37:08):
important to have that group ofpeople to help you lift you.
Because without them, I probablycouldn't it I need I needed that
push, you know, I needed that,you know, one of my girlfriends
is real creative, like she didall the decoration. I mean, they
just all just came together aslike, we're, we're help we're
(37:30):
doing this because I didn't wantto have the birthday. You look
at things like that, too. Andyou go, you know, it's funny how
like, Will tragic things willhappen. And then you'll have
like a birthday accurate. Andjust like you have to get to get
out of the sadness celebration.
And so, you know, I think thatthat was really important.
Having that group of people thatare there to help you. You know,
(37:54):
they helped me push through, andthen my colleagues at work, you
know, after about a month,they're like, you gotta get back
to work. In this party's I, youknow, and right. People have in
those tough conversations withthese, you know, conversations
you don't want to hear, but youknow, I think that was important
(38:15):
for people to just, if you havea brand, you know, just be there
for them. But you know, it's yougot to help push them. Don't let
your friend just sit there andwallow. Because they will.
What other strategies did youuse during that time to, you
(38:37):
know, really force yourself to,to not just, you know, the
covers,I got on a start playing tennis,
you know, I started I was, I wasalready involved. So I was, you
know, I was already in thejunior auxilary. So I had those
meetings. I had two or threeother organizations that I was
(38:57):
doing stuff at, I stayed so busythat by the time I met Jeff, I
was like, Okay, I'm reallycheap. It's like, I gotta, I
gotta let things go. I quittennis. You know? Because it was
like, my mom and dad, they're sothey're so awesome. But they
were watching my kids everynight, you know, because I just,
(39:19):
I just knew I was like, I gottakeep my brain going. I don't
enjoy the devil's Playhouse. Seethat to this day? You know, stay
busy. And so that's what I did.
I just stayed as busy as cafe.
Now. It was hard. I didn't wantto sit in meetings and do that.
But you know what I did? Therewere a couple organizations that
you know, Brian and I were bothparticipants and members of and
(39:43):
I remember going to the firstmeeting and me sitting by myself
and people give me handkerchiefsand you know, crying and but I
just said you know, I gotta Igotta I gotta do this. I gotta
do it, you know? And so yeah, Ijust just staying busy. Don't
let the devil make us buy ahouse. Do he will. And so that's
(40:03):
what I've always tried to do.
You mentioned, you know, somethings that you do differently
with Jeff, that you didn't dowith Blaine. And I'm sure
that's, you know, as much as youwish you didn't have to learn
that lesson. I think that's abeautiful lesson that came out
of it, that we can always getbetter. And we can always grow
(40:24):
from this and what what did wemaybe not do? That could have
been a part of our relationship?
I think that's a beautifullesson that the grief taught
you. What else would you say thegrief taught you to appreciate?
Yourtime Tom? You know, you know,
like, like, I told you like, thetext message like, Yeah, my mom
(40:45):
will tell you, I'm not the best,quickly responding, but she's
right. I love my mom. You know,but I do, I try to make a point
to, you know, check messages,you know, spend time with with
my kids, my loved ones, turn,turn your cell phone off, you
(41:10):
know, don't have it with you,you know, you don't always have
to answer your phone. You know,I remember back in the day, when
there was no such thing as acell phone, and I had a beeper,
like, you know, you don't, justbecause you have a cell phone
doesn't mean you have to be onit, you know, when I go to
dinner, I don't talk on my cellphone, it's put up you know, you
know, traveling, you know,buying and I traveled a lot with
(41:35):
with my job. You know, we, Jeffand I continue to do that. Just
taking time to spend together,taking time to spend with the
children, you know, having thatquality time, you know, taking
that time to have a breather,and taking time for yourself.
(42:00):
Self Care, you know, I didn't doa whole lot of that. I mean, I
look back at my career, youknow, I was working 5060 hours a
week, you know, just, of course,I was young, you know, this
stage of my life, I can, I cannot work as hard as I did,
because I worked so hard when Iwas younger, but you know,
(42:23):
taking time to smell the roses,you know, taking time I, I used
to do and I couldn't doing itjust because the live got busy.
But you know, find out on thefirst. So I made a point, the
first couple of years, everymonth on the first I would have
a self care day. Whether thatwas going to have a massage or
(42:45):
getting a pedicure, or just, youknow, on the first of every
month, I was going to have that.
You know, unfortunately, for me,you know, blind dad like 12 one.
So every month, you know whathappens on the first at that
time, we have a siren that goesoff in our town. So every month
(43:07):
at that moment, um, you know,it's there. And it used to be a
trigger for me that first year,into the second year, a trigger
for me when I'm here that just,you know, a reminder and you
know, over time, you know, it'snot a trigger anymore, but it's
(43:28):
still in the back of my mind.
But you know, just trying to dosomething for yourself, you
know, that you that you normallywouldn't, would not have. So I
think that's important.
So as you know, now you and Jeffhave this beautiful blended
family of four sons and some intheir 20s. And then they're
(43:49):
growing up getting into theirteenage years. And it's been
really beautiful to from adistance to see your family grow
and flourish. And you know, nowthat this next phase of life,
what would you say that you andJeff are most excited about?
So, you know, we're mostexcited. I'm actually my last
day at my job is the third yet.
(44:11):
Oh, congratulation.
I'm actually after the 30th I'mgoing to be out of my managerial
role. Jeff and I've decidedwe're going to try it. We're
going to Italy and over Berwick.
That's amazing. I want to enjoymyself and not you know, not
(44:32):
really had to worry about quotasand stuff like that. So I'm
excited about that. You know,after Blaine passed away and I
met Jeff I took a sabbaticalfrom work for about two and a
half years and got my realestate license. I'm going to
help him his his work and he andI are gonna work together. You
know we're looking to buy ahouse in the Bahamas. Yeah, I
(44:55):
just think, you know, likebucket list items, you know,
just just enjoy life, you know,I told him I said, You know
what, we're not taking anythingwith us. All everything here is
is is just here. I want to enjoylife. And so that's really what
(45:18):
we're going to be doing isenjoying our life. Still Still
trying to make some income alongthe way, of course, because we
don't we still have bills andchildren. But you know, I can I
can book flip burgers atMcDonald's, I can do anything.
So I mean, it didn't matter tome. I've started working on when
(45:39):
I was 15 and said, Hey, so youknow what, we're just giving it
all to God. And we're just gonnasay, you know, what, show us the
way and we're going to enjoylife. So that's what we're
doing. That's gonna be our goal,you know, especially the coming
months to just really enjoylife. You know, because life is
(46:01):
short, life is short. And youknow, tomorrow is promised and I
won. So, you know, that's reallykind of what our focus is right
now.
That's beautiful. Well, thankyou so much for sharing Emily.
It's just such an inspiringstory. And it's so beautiful to
see how, you know, you wentthrough that period of, of
(46:22):
tragedy and how God used that tohelp so many other people and
how, what a beautiful life thathe's given you on the other side
of that, so thank you forsharing all of that with us.
Thank you.
Wow, I really hope today'sepisode was a blessing to you
today. If you found today'scontent helpful or would like to
(46:44):
share an insight I would love tohear from you. Please drop a
comment. Please subscribe, leavea review and follow to stay up
to date with the latestepisodes. We'll see you next
time.
Welcome to and then it's a podcast where we look at
what comes after her struggle,the tough season or setback. My
name is Susie Chafin. And I'mabsolutely passionate about
helping people transform fromstruggling surviving, to
absolutely thriving. Today'stopic is it's pretty heavy one,
we're going to be diving intothe topic of moving through
(00:36):
grief. Grief is not somethingany of us can avoid. We're all
going to go through it probablymany, many times over. Interview
I have the privilege of sharingwith you all today is a
beautiful story of Emily speedsfirst love of her life. There
are beautiful story and theunfortunate untimely passing,
(01:00):
and how God used their marriageand their relationship to impact
others, and how she found thestrength and the courage to
choose to continue to live. Shemet her second love of her life,
Jeff, and together today theyhave a beautiful blended family.
And they live through a lens ofappreciation that can only be
(01:23):
found because of their jointgrief struggle. As you listen to
this interview, I am keenlyaware that there are so many
paths to healing and how to movethrough grief. This is just one
story of how Emily moved throughit. My hope and my prayer is
that Emily's story is going tobe a blessing to you. Emily
(01:47):
speed, just to give you a littlebackground on her. She and her
husband Jeff are MadisonMississippi residents and she
personally has found tremendoussuccess with Aflac. She's worked
with that organization since2005, serving in many many
leadership roles, and is alsopart of the South East territory
Halifax Hall of Fame. She alsois very involved in her
(02:09):
community, she serves hercommunity through the American
Heart Association. She's on theboard of her children's school
PTA, and she's also a committeemember for the child advocacy
centers. Here's Emily's story.
So let's let's just start aquick snapshot of the beginning.
(02:31):
I was on an airplane fund inNorth Carolina, divorced in the
dumps, I would say I was youngand dumb at the time. And I
remember looking out the windowon an airplane ride to North
Carolina telling myself you knowwhat, you deserve better. You
(02:53):
know, your life does not have tobe you know, with bad
relationships, bad people. Ichanged the recorder in my
brain. And I said because I feltlike your brain is the most
powerful machine in the world,if you could call it that. But I
(03:15):
remember looking out a windowgoing, I deserve better. I am
going to meet someone that isgoing to be awesome and a great
partner and a great husband. Andjust a few months later after
that. God brought blame to mywife. We met at a crawfish boil
(03:35):
here in town. And immediatelywhen I've met him, I knew this
feeling is a little different.
And you know two days later, hecalled me. He always say he
waited two days. Those are theones two days in my life. He
called me and I remember sittingat my parents house going after
(03:56):
that first phone call going, Ithink I'm gonna marry this guy.
And, you know, I rememberwalking outside talking to my
mother and she was like, what Iwas 28 years old at the time.
And she was like, You're crazy.
You know, my mom. My parents hadbeen together for gosh, since
(04:17):
they were 14 and 15. Still,they're still married, happily
married. But anyway, I remembertelling my mom I met someone and
she said there's no way. So fastforward to four days later.
We're going on our first day.
And I remember Blaine looking atme on our way home from a little
restaurant here in town grabbingmy arm and going you know, are
(04:39):
you ready for your fairy tale?
You know, six months later, wewere engaged. Two months later,
we were married. Nine monthslater, we had a baby. And, you
know, fast forward to you know,five and a half years later we
(04:59):
had to another child. And so Iwas definitely living my fairy
tale. And in his reign itactually says, you know, fairy
tales do come true. And so itwas an awesome marriage. We were
together for nine years. Beforehe he actually passed away. Um,
(05:20):
I look back on that day and go,Oh, God, what? Why did it happen
like that? And I know exactlywhat happened like that. You
know, the weekend leading up tohim traveling out of town. He I
was gone. I actually had agirlfriend, little party that
(05:44):
Friday night, on Saturday, I'dgone to the Delta with my little
Junior artillery group. OnSunday, he flew out well, that
whole weekend, he got to spendtime with our children at the
time, they were seven and oneyou know, and blind fight a lot
of golf. So I'm a normalweekend, he probably would not
(06:05):
have been, you know, hanging outwith the little children, I
guess you would say. But anyway,he flew off on that Sunday. And
then two days later, I was in anail salon here in Madison, and
I'm going to go now for 14years. And I remember my
assistant call me crying andsaying, hey, you need to call
(06:28):
this number. Something's wrongwith something's wrong with your
husband would blame and may goand what, you know what? And
they said, you know, he's notbreathing. So, of course, you
know, call this number my handswere in the water. You know,
the, the nail salon, the peoplein the nail salon, were breaking
out because I'm yelling, what'sgoing on? You know what's
(06:50):
happening. And I hung up withthis, this lady who was in
Georgia at the time, which iswhere mine was in a meeting. And
she said, He's not breathing. SoI hung up with her called my
father asked him to quickly comepick me up, you know, I needed
(07:11):
to do something. By the time wegot to our neighborhood.
You know, I called back thisnumber. And they said he still
was not breathing. And I knew,you know, I've watched enough
Dateline episodes where, youknow, if you're not breathing
for 510 15 minutes, something'swrong. I remember walking into
(07:34):
my parents house at that time.
And my dad just, you know,sitting there and he grabbed me
said let's just pray Let's justpray right now let's pray. And
we prayed and just so happenedto AT and T guy was at my, my
dad's house at my parents house.
And he's wondering, like, whatis going on what is happening?
(07:54):
I'm just here to fix the phones,like what's happening. And
anyway, the next the next phonecall from them was, you know, he
didn't make it. So it was a itwas a fast, you know, 2030
minutes. And I just remembersitting there going, I just kind
(08:17):
of had like an out of bodyexperience. Wow, like, you know,
whoa, like this. How can thishappen? I'm you know, 36 he's 42
You know, I have a one year old.
You know, I have a seven yearold you know, what, what in the
Wow, just kind of knocked youout knots the bread that'd be
(08:37):
what was interesting about thatday, was on that day that
morning, I was driving intowork. And I remember on you
know, Burnham on on Facebook,you know, her her daughter had
died years and years ago, andevery, every year she had the
anniversary date of her death orher birthday. And I remember
(09:02):
driving in my car on that daygoing God. She is living in a
prison that she never getsdelayed from that she ever year
has to look at this date. Andevery year she has to start
over. And she gets to walk onEarth. But she's still
handcuffed. And I remember thatin my brain that morning going
(09:26):
God I feel so sorry for herbecause she had to choose to
relive this every year. And thenhere I was. I'm fixing Ave in
the same same boat. I'm fixingthis is I'm in prison. I'm
stuck. And I can't get out. AndI just remember thinking, Oh,
(09:47):
why did I have that thought thismorning? You know, why did I
think of that? You know, and Ihad a lot of regret that day.
That day was a busy day for meat work. You know, I was in a
meeting all day, blindedactually text me that day and I
did not respond. So now I alwaysrespond to text. Even if I'm
(10:09):
busy, I always stop and respond.
And he had text me that morningand just told me he loved me.
So, you know, I knew I knew,like, what, you know, I did feel
guilty about not responding, butI knew he knew that I loved you.
(10:30):
So, but, you know, kind of kindof fast forward from that day.
Blaine was an only child. Youknow, his mom and dad, his dad
was actually at home andSummerall, their hometown, his
mom was actually on a cruiseship, she had never been on a
cruise. And this was her firsttrip on cruise. And she actually
(10:53):
had to be, you know, told by herhusband on the cruise ship that
Biden passed away. And so ourfirst reaction was, let's try to
get her off the cruise ship, shewas able to get off the cruise
ship and get back to get backhome, which took her you know, a
couple of days. And it also,because Blaine was in Georgia,
when it happened, it took acouple of days for him, or his
(11:16):
body to get back here. But, um,you know, during that process,
you know, with the grave withthe sadness with, you know,
looking at two children. Youknow, it was it was horrible. I
mean, there's really no, there'sreally no way to put it, it was,
(11:39):
you know, there were days, Iremember going to the heart
doctor, you know, a couple ofweeks after just asking God,
like, I want to die, you know, Ido not want to do this. I
literally can't, I cannot dothis. And I just remember the
doctor coming in at the HeartClinic going, you're fine. Well,
(12:03):
I wanted to, I wanted to havearts out, you know, I want him
to tell me and he said, he said,You're fine. He said, You have
you have a broken heart. And,you know, unfortunately, you're
just, you're gonna be okay. Andthen I think it was that day,
you know, which is was a coupleof weeks later, when I realized,
(12:25):
you know, I'm not going to die,that I was sitting there, I
ended up staying at my parentshouse. Over the next couple of
months, I couldn't go back to myhouse. Because we'd built our
house, you know, and I just, Ijust was not ready to do that.
But I remember, we were allsitting there hanging out one
(12:48):
day, and a friend of mine goes,you know, mowing is gonna be
raw, you know, and just Just beprepared. You know, you're not
gonna find someone like Blaine.
So whoever you make, becauseyou're still young, you know,
they're never going to be him.
(13:09):
And they're never going to be asgreat as he was. Just Just be
prepared. You know, if you meetsomeone, they're not going to
be, they're not going to begood. And I remember, I remember
looking at her, I can't rememberwho it was. But I remember
looking at her and I said, youknow, what, I am going to meet
someone just as great as Waynewas because lamb would make sure
(13:33):
that I was taken care of. And Iknow for a fact that whoever
this this person is, you know,whenever that happens, they're
going to come in, and they'regoing to pick up right where he
left off. And we're going to begreat, but I never let his death
(13:56):
or the grave set into my brainhave never been happy again. And
since this since this time, CAI've had so many friends,
colleagues, relatives that havelost their spouses, and that's
one thing I can say. A lot ofthem still live in that death.
(14:21):
And and that's you know,everybody grieves differently
and I'm not it's no shame here.
It's our you know, I love peoplewhere they are. Because I feel
like that's what you know, we'resupposed to do and not
everybody's me, that's when wehave vanilla and juggler. I
mean, you know, but I sit hereand go, Gosh, I wish they would
change their mindset because ifthey sit there and they just
(14:43):
continue to say, I'm never gonnameet my person. I'm never going
to be my person. I'm never gonnaget married. I'm never going to
you won't. Right. You're nevergoing to to continue your life.
What Was someone and be happy.
And that's okay. But I knew me,I know me better. And I know,
(15:07):
you know, I had a one year old,I have a seven year old two
boys, you know, I was nevermeant to be single, you know,
forever. I knew that. And Ifelt, you know, I deserve
happiness. I deserve, you know,someone that will will, will be
(15:28):
here for me, I deserve that. Andso I think that's so important.
You know, when, when somethinglike this happens, but, you
know, the day that thecardiologist came in and the
Heart Clinic and told me, Hey,you're not you're not dying,
you're you have a broken heart.
i That moment is when I had tostep up and put my big girl
(15:51):
panties on. You know, I didn'trush back to work, you know,
immediately, I took probably amonth or two off and cried and
sad was sad. You know, I gotinto different groups. You know,
my children, I went to theMcLean Fletcher center, you
know, went a lot until now, whenmy oldest was like, Mom, I don't
(16:12):
want to go back and talk aboutDad, every, you know, this is
sad. And I said, you know, whatwe're not, you know, I saw
counselors. You know, I tried tofigure out, but, but what I
realized was, you know, Waynewas in heaven, you know, and he
was fine.
(16:33):
You know, I had a dream onenight, that he came to me, and,
you know, I didn't physicallysee him, but I saw this light.
And I remember believing orthinking or feeling, hey, he,
uh, he always called me M. M.
Were great here. Like, you're,it's all good. And I remember
(16:55):
this exact this exact words allas well. And every time I say
all as well, anywhere, make, youknow, it makes me think of that,
that dream or that thought orwhatever it was at the time. But
you know, and I think I thinkthat's important when when you
do lose someone, especially forus, you know, there were things
(17:19):
building up to his death. Youknow, in January of lying down
march on March 1 of 16. InJanuary of that year, a dear
friend of ours passed away andhe was in his 50s. And it was a
shock it was it was a heartattack, similar to blinds and
got it just bothered me, I justlove this was a colleague, a
(17:42):
friend of mine, he had adaughter, he babysat my children
like, oh, he was, he's a friend,you know, he passed away. And I
remember buying tele major inthat time, you know, in my, you
know, when your tickets called,you have to be ready. And so
that, that always resonated withme, because I remember him
saying that I remember thosewords coming to him. A couple of
(18:04):
months before that. My aunt, hermother in law passed away. Same
thing, heart attack. And Iremember, you know, Cindy, Cindy
passed her husband, Brad, like,moved, I had moved on. And I
remember us all being in the carone night and Blaine saying, you
know, hey, Cindy's never comingback at all. Brad needs to be
(18:28):
happy. Emily, if somethinghappens to me, I want you to,
you know, you start rememberingthings that come back. But also,
in January of that year, Iremember waking up one morning,
we were going to church. And Iwas in my bathroom and I was
just crying and laying walked inand he always he would always
(18:51):
get upset with me when I getupset. But he was like, Emily,
you're such a you cried. Oprah.
You know, you. You triedeverything. You know, I remember
crying one morning and I had hada dream the night before. I
always have vivid dreams. Idon't know if it's a blessing or
(19:13):
a curse. But I had a dream onenight in January, just you know,
within 60 days of his passingand the dream was you know, I
was sitting there on a big greenbeachside area. And I felt this
presence of God, you know, frontof me, and him looking at me,
(19:35):
and you know, I saw all thesepeople going in and out of this
building on the water. And sincethen, someone has told me when
you say water, it's like God,you know, I know that. But I
remember looking out theregoing, what are all these people
doing? Why are they going in andout of this house? What is
(19:55):
happening? And I just rememberthis thought Are this feeling
common to me that said, youknow, in line you have spent
your whole life you know,getting people to your work, you
know, getting people here, youneed to spend more of your time
getting people to God. And Iwoke up, you know, guilt shame
(20:20):
going, CA I have been focused onthe wrong thing, I need to get
people to God, like, I need toget people home, you know. And I
told mine that and he said inlight, how you can get dressed
perfect, like for jerk. He lostthat, you know, whatever. Um,
(20:45):
so, you know, fast forward afterhe passed, I sat there and I
just asked God, I said, Oh mygosh, you know, is this did this
have to happen, you know, diddid he have to be taken for you
know, these things to happenand, and looking back because of
blinds passing.
(21:07):
You know, we actually hisassistant, you know, he, her
husband was an atheist and heclaimed to be an atheist at that
time, was not a believer in God.
Because of his passing, he is a,he is saved, had was baptized as
a Christian. They're neverthought they would get married,
they're married now happilymarried. That would have never
(21:28):
happened. We had several severalpeople that started attending
church, just because they, theyfelt I guess, very sorry for me,
you know, they wanted to sitwith me in the pews. In the end,
they wanted to be there for meand, and I looked around the
room, that's first, you know,few months, because it was
(21:49):
really hard. You know, and I sawlike, God, you know, his life
was taken, but all of thesepeople are gonna go to heaven
because of this. And, you know,I struggled with I grew up
Catholic my whole life. Youknow, when I was little, I was
(22:09):
Christian, you know, I was neverbaptized. We always talked about
baptism at my church, and Ialways would sit there, you
know, my parents, becausethey're Catholic today. And we
would go, we were Christians,that's fine. You know, not a big
deal. But I remember thinking,I'm getting baptized. And so a
couple months after he passed, Igot baptized. And a few months
(22:31):
later, my sister got baptized mymind, no, I got baptized. You
know, not to say, you know,we're still all believers in
Christ, but just so that, thatwe took that step in front of
people, those things would nothave happened. You know. So, you
know, you look back and you go,it was such a tragedy. And gosh,
(22:56):
I would do anything for BlaineIngram to still be here. You
know, he was such an awesomeperson. Just his, you know, like
I say, is he he may have havepassed away young, but his
memory will last forever. Youknow, but looking back, you
(23:18):
know, was it just, it was God,it was God's plan. You know, and
it sucks, you know, the, on theother end of that, but God, I
wouldn't take back, you know,seeing people getting baptized
and become becoming followers ofChrist, and you know, what he
(23:38):
wouldn't either. So, and I knowthat and that, that makes me so,
you know, good. And, you know,worthy to move forward. And so,
you know, you fast forward to,to, you know, to where we are
now. So, you know, buying passedaway in March. You know, I ended
(24:03):
up meeting Jeff, who's who'salso a widower as well. His wife
passed away in May, the sameyear. I look back, I was
fortunately not with blame whenhe passed away. I felt like that
was in God's plan. Because Iprobably would be in Whitfield
(24:27):
if I had walked in on him or sawhim. I portrayed to be a strong
person, but I'm really not. Youknow, whereas Jeff, he and his
children and his in laws wereall with his. They were all at
the beach on a family vacationwhen his wife passed away. And
(24:51):
he actually he actually theywere all in This condo, and she
went to the bathroom. And thenext thing you know, he walked
in and she's on the floor andshe's gone. Oh, my goodness. And
their oldest child, Hayden hadtried to perform CPR didn't
work. They had a helicopter flyto pick her up, you know, she
(25:16):
gets the hospital, they say, youknow, she'd gone. It's very
tragic. Very sad, because thechildren were there with their
girlfriends. So they all saw thedisplay of, of their mom.
So, you know, at the time, youknow, we have to have a very
different story. But it's thesame, you know, he was actually
(25:40):
happily married for 22 years.
They're their children are 10and a half months apart. Mine
are five and a half years apart.
You know, actually, I feel likeI enjoyed my 20s While he was
married with kids when you're21. Um, so, you know, we ended
up meeting a few months. OnSeptember after that. I had a
(26:06):
friend of mine reach out to meand say, Hey, do you? I know,
you're probably not ready. But,you know, I have a friend that
lost his wife, you know, wouldyou? Would you mind meeting him
for lunch? And that's the thingabout people that are going
through this, you realize youquickly realize you're not
alone. You know, I always tellpeople that join this club is
(26:31):
the club nobody wants to be in.
But there is a community ofweirdos out there. And, you
know, my thing is, because a lotof my friends would would set me
up with other girls and losttheir spouse. And you know, I'm
sure we can, we went too long.
It was just we all havedifferent stories. We're all
(26:53):
we're all just different people.
But we all share that one thing.
That was the thing when I metJeff is, you know, we were able
to share that. And, you know,just kind of like the whole
Blaine situation when I metJeff, you know, on a Monday.
Four days later, he picked meup. We went to dinner. And the
(27:18):
one that he actually went allout in the limo with some
flowers. Cuz I kind of made it abig deal was like many units our
first day, so you better make itcount. He did. He did. And then
I remember him walking me to mydoor on our first day. And, you
(27:38):
know, I'm just grinning ear toear and I watch the door and,
you know, closing he's like, Ilove you. And I'm like, let me
do close the door in his face.
So anyway, um, when he gotmarried, you know, a few months
later, I thought we were crazy.
But, you know, the rest ishistory. So, you know, he was
(28:01):
exactly the person that I feltlike, was was for me. And, you
know, we've, we've been togethernow almost five years and never
looked back. It was awful. Andit's Rocky, you know, it's, you
know, I tell people, it's like,every, every person is
different. I mean, you know,there's give and take, you know,
(28:24):
there's, there's, there's,there's always the difference of
people, you know, he'sdefinitely not buying and binds
on him. And that's, that'sgreat. I mean, they're, they're
their own person. And I lovethem, you know, the same I mean,
you know, so it's, it's, I'vebeen able to experience true
(28:46):
love twice in my life. So I hopeI never have to do it again.
But, um, you know, it's beenawesome. It was blending
families. You know, we were ablewe got married in the same
church that wine had his funeralyou know, we still attend is
(29:11):
still attend that church aswell. You know, I feel like with
Jeff, you know, you look back onthe things you didn't do. When
you were married before, youknow, I never prayed with
Blaine. I pray with Jeff atnight. Yeah, there's this little
(29:37):
things that you look back and goGod, I wish I wish I would have
said this. I wish I would havedone this. I wish I would have
been here you know. So I'mtrying to kind of kind of not
make the same mistakes. Ofcourse, looking back and I
started this life was perfectwith lying to like it. I would
have gone the rest of my lifeand it would have been awesome
(29:58):
the way it was. Um, but youknow, meaning having restorative
or, you know, meeting someonenew, I want it to be better than
ever. And so I definitely feellike, you know, someone put on
Facebook the other day, like, itwas one thing that you would do
you know, your husband likepray, like hold your hand, pray
(30:19):
together, do it, it'll make youfeel so much better. You know, I
read, we have a little my dailybread Bible verse book that we
read together.
And when we don't, I'll text itto a remote to refer to her in
the morning. But I really wantto try to get better at that. I
(30:41):
think that's so important.
Because you do you do in life gothrough hard times, tough times.
And it's just so important tokeep that kind of the center of
your marriage. Because it's notalways telling me what you know,
it's always sunshine andrainbows, it's you wake up every
day, you wake up every daysaying, I I'm gonna make the
(31:02):
circle back tosomething that you said in the
very beginning, that you have,that that recorder in your brain
where you said, I deservebetter. I think that's such a
powerful statement. Because theself talk that we say to
ourselves, really, you know, welike you kind of alluded to, we
can be self prophetic, like, I'mnever gonna be happy again, I'm
never gonna do this. And so youmade that conscious decision to
(31:23):
say, I'm going to do better. Andthen you made the decision
again, that being happy again,was going to be a choice, and it
didn't feel I know, it wasn'teasy. And you were you were
heartbroken. And you know, youcould have been binded to go on
and meet Blaine. But yourealized you had to kind of
(31:43):
muster up the strength and thechoice, the ability to make that
choice. I wanted to go back tothat time. I imagine you were
really, there had to be momentswhen you were really angry at
God.
You know, sure. But I kept onmyself. There has to be more.
(32:11):
And I feel like maybe because Iwas staring at a one seven year
old. Like, this wasn't normal.
Like why was the first personmiddle aged that had passed
away? That I knew, like, Ididn't have any friends that
have lost their husbands like,like, and it was it was a heart
(32:33):
attack. So it was like, youknow, like, I hadn't had like I
had, you know, when you're inhigh school you had, you know,
friends with suicide car wrecks.
You know, like, you know, like,accident, stuff like that. This
was the first middle aged spouselike, what you know, is crazy.
Like, how has this happened? Um,you know, I think I think that's
(33:00):
maybe why I was angry. Why do Ihave to be the first one, right?
Why can you pick someone thathad problems in their marriage?
I have all these friends thatyou know, are not all. Women,
like their husbands like, youknow, me. You know, and I think
it was more. It wasn't. Itwasn't more of an angry it was
(33:24):
why, but why me? Why did thishave to happen to me? You know
why? Like, we were so great. Whycouldn't we had Why couldn't he
have picked on? You know,somebody else?
Right, right. Right. Yeah. It'shard to see how he's going to
ultimately use that for good.
Yeah, sure. It's like mindboggling, like, you know that
(33:44):
that's what the Word says. Butit didn't feel like it at the
time.
No. And I'm just like, you know,heart attack like, right. Right.
What, you know, I just, it'slike, I wasn't, it was like, it
wasn't a drain that first weekbecause he was such a vivacious
personality, because it helpedme. Yeah.
(34:10):
You know, and then, you know, ofcourse, after this happened, you
look back and you go, Okay, whatdid I miss some signs? Like, you
know, he had like, a bloody nosea lot like, was that something?
He had it cauterized like, youknow, was there other signs, you
know, he was your typical male.
He never went to the doctor. I'mfine. I'm fine. I'm fine. You
know, did he have hearty? Like,do we just not see that? And
(34:32):
I'll tell you this too, becausehe did, you know, pass away.
This brought awareness to heartthat we had our neighbor, who's
a dentist in town, you know,came over office after and said,
I'm here. Thanks, Wayne. Theonly reason I went to the doctor
is because of what happened andguess what I had to have a stent
(34:55):
put in well, we At my dad, hehad to have some heart, you
know, stuff done because he hadnot gone to the doctor. Several
guys in the neighborhood like, Imean, you know, like these
people weren't even this wasn'teven on your radar. Nobody was
even thinking about this. So,you know, things like that
(35:17):
you're like, you know, if I wasnever angry, I was just more or
less Why Why me? And then Iquickly moved to well, it's me.
Okay. I'm gonna, I'm here. I'mnot waking up the same. This
isn't isn't that every day Iwoke up, and I kept going, Oh,
(35:37):
I'm in a nightmare, but I don'tthink I ever got angry.
That's so that's amazing. Andthen as far as having, I mean, I
know that your your boys were soyoung, seven and one. And I'm
sure the temptation, right? Imean, I'm imagining the
temptation would be to just kindof go inward, and to shut down
(36:01):
and not show up for your kids.
And I'm sure there was probablya little bit of that. But you
also I know, you did show up foryour voice. And you were the
Mom, how did you find thestrength to do that?
So when, you know, it was onewhen he passed when he turned
two, two weeks later, and Ididn't want to have a birthday
(36:23):
party. I didn't want to I didn'twant to celebrate, I just like
was like, let's get a mulliganand skip this year. And all my
girlfriend's my friends, I havea picture of us from the
birthday. And it was everyfriend I have with their
children. My colleagues, coworkers, I probably had over 100
(36:43):
people at his second birthday,and have a picture of me
lighting his candle. And youcould just tell I just looked
like Dec you know, just bad. Imean, I hadn't slept, I haven't
eaten. And up though, like, theyall helped. You know, it's so
(37:08):
important to have that group ofpeople to help you lift you.
Because without them, I probablycouldn't it I need I needed that
push, you know, I needed that,you know, one of my girlfriends
is real creative, like she didall the decoration. I mean, they
just all just came together aslike, we're, we're help we're
(37:30):
doing this because I didn't wantto have the birthday. You look
at things like that, too. Andyou go, you know, it's funny how
like, Will tragic things willhappen. And then you'll have
like a birthday accurate. Andjust like you have to get to get
out of the sadness celebration.
And so, you know, I think thatthat was really important.
Having that group of people thatare there to help you. You know,
(37:54):
they helped me push through, andthen my colleagues at work, you
know, after about a month,they're like, you gotta get back
to work. In this party's I, youknow, and right. People have in
those tough conversations withthese, you know, conversations
you don't want to hear, but youknow, I think that was important
(38:15):
for people to just, if you havea brand, you know, just be there
for them. But you know, it's yougot to help push them. Don't let
your friend just sit there andwallow. Because they will.
What other strategies did youuse during that time to, you
(38:37):
know, really force yourself to,to not just, you know, the
covers,I got on a start playing tennis,
you know, I started I was, I wasalready involved. So I was, you
know, I was already in thejunior auxilary. So I had those
meetings. I had two or threeother organizations that I was
(38:57):
doing stuff at, I stayed so busythat by the time I met Jeff, I
was like, Okay, I'm reallycheap. It's like, I gotta, I
gotta let things go. I quittennis. You know? Because it was
like, my mom and dad, they're sothey're so awesome. But they
were watching my kids everynight, you know, because I just,
(39:19):
I just knew I was like, I gottakeep my brain going. I don't
enjoy the devil's Playhouse. Seethat to this day? You know, stay
busy. And so that's what I did.
I just stayed as busy as cafe.
Now. It was hard. I didn't wantto sit in meetings and do that.
But you know what I did? Therewere a couple organizations that
you know, Brian and I were bothparticipants and members of and
(39:43):
I remember going to the firstmeeting and me sitting by myself
and people give me handkerchiefsand you know, crying and but I
just said you know, I gotta Igotta I gotta do this. I gotta
do it, you know? And so yeah, Ijust just staying busy. Don't
let the devil make us buy ahouse. Do he will. And so that's
(40:03):
what I've always tried to do.
You mentioned, you know, somethings that you do differently
with Jeff, that you didn't dowith Blaine. And I'm sure
that's, you know, as much as youwish you didn't have to learn
that lesson. I think that's abeautiful lesson that came out
of it, that we can always getbetter. And we can always grow
(40:24):
from this and what what did wemaybe not do? That could have
been a part of our relationship?
I think that's a beautifullesson that the grief taught
you. What else would you say thegrief taught you to appreciate?
Yourtime Tom? You know, you know,
like, like, I told you like, thetext message like, Yeah, my mom
(40:45):
will tell you, I'm not the best,quickly responding, but she's
right. I love my mom. You know,but I do, I try to make a point
to, you know, check messages,you know, spend time with with
my kids, my loved ones, turn,turn your cell phone off, you
(41:10):
know, don't have it with you,you know, you don't always have
to answer your phone. You know,I remember back in the day, when
there was no such thing as acell phone, and I had a beeper,
like, you know, you don't, justbecause you have a cell phone
doesn't mean you have to be onit, you know, when I go to
dinner, I don't talk on my cellphone, it's put up you know, you
know, traveling, you know,buying and I traveled a lot with
(41:35):
with my job. You know, we, Jeffand I continue to do that. Just
taking time to spend together,taking time to spend with the
children, you know, having thatquality time, you know, taking
that time to have a breather,and taking time for yourself.
(42:00):
Self Care, you know, I didn't doa whole lot of that. I mean, I
look back at my career, youknow, I was working 5060 hours a
week, you know, just, of course,I was young, you know, this
stage of my life, I can, I cannot work as hard as I did,
because I worked so hard when Iwas younger, but you know,
(42:23):
taking time to smell the roses,you know, taking time I, I used
to do and I couldn't doing itjust because the live got busy.
But you know, find out on thefirst. So I made a point, the
first couple of years, everymonth on the first I would have
a self care day. Whether thatwas going to have a massage or
(42:45):
getting a pedicure, or just, youknow, on the first of every
month, I was going to have that.
You know, unfortunately, for me,you know, blind dad like 12 one.
So every month, you know whathappens on the first at that
time, we have a siren that goesoff in our town. So every month
(43:07):
at that moment, um, you know,it's there. And it used to be a
trigger for me that first year,into the second year, a trigger
for me when I'm here that just,you know, a reminder and you
know, over time, you know, it'snot a trigger anymore, but it's
(43:28):
still in the back of my mind.
But you know, just trying to dosomething for yourself, you
know, that you that you normallywouldn't, would not have. So I
think that's important.
So as you know, now you and Jeffhave this beautiful blended
family of four sons and some intheir 20s. And then they're
(43:49):
growing up getting into theirteenage years. And it's been
really beautiful to from adistance to see your family grow
and flourish. And you know, nowthat this next phase of life,
what would you say that you andJeff are most excited about?
So, you know, we're mostexcited. I'm actually my last
day at my job is the third yet.
(44:11):
Oh, congratulation.
I'm actually after the 30th I'mgoing to be out of my managerial
role. Jeff and I've decidedwe're going to try it. We're
going to Italy and over Berwick.
That's amazing. I want to enjoymyself and not you know, not
(44:32):
really had to worry about quotasand stuff like that. So I'm
excited about that. You know,after Blaine passed away and I
met Jeff I took a sabbaticalfrom work for about two and a
half years and got my realestate license. I'm going to
help him his his work and he andI are gonna work together. You
know we're looking to buy ahouse in the Bahamas. Yeah, I
(44:55):
just think, you know, likebucket list items, you know,
just just enjoy life, you know,I told him I said, You know
what, we're not taking anythingwith us. All everything here is
is is just here. I want to enjoylife. And so that's really what
(45:18):
we're going to be doing isenjoying our life. Still Still
trying to make some income alongthe way, of course, because we
don't we still have bills andchildren. But you know, I can I
can book flip burgers atMcDonald's, I can do anything.
So I mean, it didn't matter tome. I've started working on when
(45:39):
I was 15 and said, Hey, so youknow what, we're just giving it
all to God. And we're just gonnasay, you know, what, show us the
way and we're going to enjoylife. So that's what we're
doing. That's gonna be our goal,you know, especially the coming
months to just really enjoylife. You know, because life is
(46:01):
short, life is short. And youknow, tomorrow is promised and I
won. So, you know, that's reallykind of what our focus is right
now.
That's beautiful. Well, thankyou so much for sharing Emily.
It's just such an inspiringstory. And it's so beautiful to
see how, you know, you wentthrough that period of, of
(46:22):
tragedy and how God used that tohelp so many other people and
how, what a beautiful life thathe's given you on the other side
of that, so thank you forsharing all of that with us.
Thank you.
Wow, I really hope today'sepisode was a blessing to you
today. If you found today'scontent helpful or would like to
(46:44):
share an insight I would love tohear from you. Please drop a
comment. Please subscribe, leavea review and follow to stay up
to date with the latestepisodes. We'll see you next
time.
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