3: Dates and What To Do On Them

Join us this episode for our talk about the importance of dates! We brainstorm some excellent date ideas and give a media recommendation for one of our very favorite TV shows: Sense8! We also answer a listener question on talking to non-polyamorous people about polyamory and coming out. 

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Episode Transcript

Foxglove (00:00):
Hey there folks, I'm Foxglove.

Sage (00:13):
I'm Sage.

Sunflower (00:14):
I'm Sunflower!

Iris (00:14):
And I'm Iris.

Foxglove (00:15):
And this is And They Were Roommates, a podcast about
modern life, love and everythingin between.

Sage (00:19):
Disclaimer
just lived through a lot. Thisweek we will be talking about
why dates are important for polypeople and monogamous people,
and telling people you're poly.

Foxglove (00:32):
Alright, so for date nights. It bears mentioning,
right off the bat, thatobviously there are four of us
in a closed group, and we alllive together, which offers a
certain degree of conveniencefor date nights that I assume
other people with differentconfigurations, whether it's a
monogamous couple who doesn'tlive together or a poly unit
that has like, more partners ina more spiderweb configuration
do not have.

Sunflower (00:50):
I like the spider web connotation.

Foxglove (00:52):
Yeah.

Sage (00:52):
Let's not go back to the spider thing again.

Sunflower (00:54):
Oh god true...

Iris (00:55):
No! More! Spiders!

Sage (00:58):
In all honesty, though, being a closed unit of four may
have challenges in some areas,but it is super convenient when
trying to find time to do thingswith all the rest of your
partners, whether that's in agroup of four, group of three,
or doing it in pairs.

Iris (01:09):
Yeah, especially because we can literally pair off and
then just swap. So that's how weactually do individual date
nights sometimes, is weliterally break off into twos,
and then we just swap partners.
And we usually do it with ournon-anchor partners. Because we
obviously have the most timethat we spend with our anchor
partners traditionally. So, itgives us the opportunity to
spend time with our otherpartners.

Sunflower (01:26):
It's also kind of nice, because like, the night
before, because we all livetogether, we can be like, 'We
don't have anything planned forSaturday during the day, do we
want to spend like, two to fourhours with each individual
person and then do swapsies?'Because like, it's just as easy
as that. And it doesn't requirea ton of like, travel planning
or figuring out like, wherewe're gonna meet and everything
because it's like, we're gonnatake the living room for four
hours, and y'all can be in oneof the bedrooms.

Foxglove (01:41):
Yeah.

Sage (01:41):
You have options.

Foxglove (01:41):
High level of convenience.

Sunflower (01:42):
Yeah.

Iris (01:42):
However, we do have some notes that could be applicable
for everyone. For example, datenights are universally
important. Even if you do livewith a partner, or have partners
that a lot of people in the polycommunity call nesting
partnersliterally the peopleyou live withit's still really
important that you takeintentional time with them
outside of just the normal...
like, I have to see them everysingle day because it is
lockdown in COVID times and I amforced to live with them 24/7 on
top of each other. It's stillimportant to take intentional

(02:03):
time together as a date. Or evenif you have kids, or etc. It's
not just spending time in thesame room together because you
happen to live together, it'staking intentional time to like
invest in your romantic partner.

Sunflower (02:23):
Yeah, and something that's super important with
dates and everything too, is theplanning aspect of it. And like,

(03:09):
taking that time to like, makesomething that you guys will
both really enjoy. And if that'slike one person planning for
both of you, or both of yousitting down and planning
something before taking the timeto really like, think through

(03:30):
what you'd want to logically dotogether is super important.

Sage (03:32):
Just being able to take a moment and say, 'I'm going to
put my phone down, I'm going toput all the stuff that I'm
working on away, and this isgoing to be about us being
together and doing somethingthat we both enjoy,' and just
sharing that, and that beingall. Like that's, especially
with all of the stuff that.. youknow, people generally but also

(03:52):
us collectively, morespecifically have going on in
our lives, it's nice to justhave that period of like, 'No,
like, you're my focus rightnow.' And I think that's really
beautiful.

Foxglove (04:02):
Yeah. And it's, it's it's a way to indicate that the
person in question matters toyou. And I know it's a, it's a
really common... I don't know ifstereotype is the word I'm
looking for, but it's it's acommon phenomenon in
relationships where once you'vebeen together for X amount of
time and you've lived togetherfor Y amount of time, date
nights become something wherepeople tend to write them off as

(04:25):
like, not important as like,with this attitude of like, you
date someone to convince them toget to this stage in the
relationship, and then onceyou've gotten them there you're
good.

Iris (04:36):
Fuck that!

Sage (04:36):
Which is just such a wild... like, what even is that?

Foxglove (04:39):
Bonkers!

Sunflower (04:40):
Well I think it's like a (?)over from like,
courting rituals and such? Likeyou only put in so much effort
in the beginning and like onceyou're married, you're like,
good to go.

Iris (04:48):
Fuck that. Also, I want you all to know that I don't
care if we're like, little oldfolks in a nursing home or
something someday, I'm stillgoing to expect fucking date
nights like 60 years from now. Ijust want that on the table
right now.

Sage (05:03):
We would expect nothing less.

Sunflower (05:04):
Yeah

Foxglove (05:04):
Naturally.

Sunflower (05:05):
and occasional flowers, because I don't think
anybody talks about howimportant it is just to
likewhen you randomly drop bythe store at night to pick up
like... usually ours is tomatoesfor taco night.
Butyeah, is like,grabbing something that makes

Foxglove (05:15):
Constantly.
your partners happy. And like,in our house, often it is like
KitKats, or Reese's, or likesomething really small that's
like $2 or something. But it'sreally just an indication of
being like, 'I was somewhere andsaw this, and I know you love
it, so I got it just for you.'Yeah, and date nights
are really an extension of that,like, it's an opportunity to
like spend time with yourpartner, yeah, but it's also an

(05:37):
important part of showing yourpartner that you care about them
and that you like, want to spendthat time with them. And... I
don't know, it's been pandemico'clock for the past several
months now? And I know a lot ofcouples who are kind of falling
apart. And a big part of it isbecause like, there does seem to

(05:57):
be this attitude of like, weall... like we're spending all
our time together, you know, welive together and we have to be
all over each other. And we havebeen for eight months so like,
we don't have to dedicate timeto being together on purpose.
And there is a huge differencebetween those two things.

Sage (06:13):
And also speaking about the the purpose and the
intentionality again, one of thechallenges earlier in my and
Sun's relationship is I had ajob at Hell, as has been stated
before, where my phone wasringing all the time, or I had
to constantly be checking it forupdates from the shop. And being
able to take time specificallywhere I could take my phone and

(06:35):
put it in a place where Icouldn't get to it, or where at
least I wasn't checking it everylike, two minutes, which was a
thing that I definitely did atthe time, was a super rare thing
early in our relationship. Andespecially as I finally got out
of Hell, which... man, naming itHell was really just a great
decision, wasn't it?

Quaple Network (06:55):
Yeah.

Sage (06:57):
I've grown to appreciate that time, and the
intentionality of having dateswithout any distractions, in a
way that I really couldn't whenI still had that job, and I
don't think the novelty of thatis ever gonna wear off.

Sunflower (07:11):
Yeah, I remember even like the few times where like, I
don't know, like it would be ouranniversary or like a birthday
or what have you. And like, Iriswasn'twe weren't like a poly
group, but Iris was like abestie. So, they would go to
work that night, and if theywere at work, and we had a date
night plan, they'd be like, 'I'mgonna work. And you can turn
your phone off, and I will takecare of it. The place may be on
fire, but I will figure it out.
And like, you guys need to go ona fucking date night, please.'

Sage (07:35):
The number of times where we would be on a date or
something, and I would get aphone call and be like, 'Oh,
hopefully it's something minor,'and then it's like, 'The freezer
turned off,' or 'The ceilingcaved in,' or, 'Hey, there's a
GAS LEAK.'

Foxglove (07:47):
It was always a disaster!

Sage (07:49):
Yeah, it was always something where it was like,
'Well, I guess when we're donewith dinner, we're both going to
head over to the shop and figureout how to solve this exciting
new problem.'

Sunflower (07:58):
Yeah, the amount of times that I have actually,
like, by accident, served icecream in high heels is really
disturbing to me. Like, I guesswe're just gonna do it.

Foxglove (08:09):
The first time we took a vacation as a group, night of
the first day, like there was aphone call that was like, 'Hey,
no, like something is reallykind of a mess, how bad does
this need to get before like, weask you to come home from your
vacation to fix it?' And solike, the opportunity to spend
dedicated time withespeciallyif you have a job that's like,

(08:30):
that demanding or you have a jobthat takes up a lot of your
time, the opportunity to like,have that dedicated timeframe of
'I'm gonna pay attention to youand I'm not going to be thinking
about work or other obligationsfor even just an hour' is so
valuable to like, making surethat the people in your
relationship or person in yourrelationship feels valued.

Iris (08:50):
Yeah. And also, talking about more spread-out polycules
that are in a closed group, thisstill really applies. And it's
still really important to figureout the different levels of
investment every single personneeds. Because every
relationship obviously looksdifferent. If you have a kid
with somebody, it looksdifferent than if they're a

(09:11):
brand-new relationship, it looksdifferent if you live far away,
or if you live close, or all ofthese different factors that we
don't personally have to dealwith because we are in a closed
group of four and we're alsonesting partners. We don't have
to deal with that level ofstuff. But it's still really
important to take the time tolike, discuss these things with
all of your different partnersand make sure everybody's

(09:31):
getting enough date nights,getting enough time together.

Foxglove (09:34):
Yeah.

Sunflower (09:35):
Yeah, and everybody is really different with like,
how much they need and we'vetalked about this before with
like affection and such, buteven like, personal quality time
is incredibly important becauselike there are some people that
like, you know, just watching amovie quietly and having popcorn
like, is a date night enough,and like that's, that totally
works. And then there are somepeople who really need a
personal like, one-on-onetalking over dinner because that

(09:56):
feels like, more intimate ormore like a date to them. And
like those things are somethingthat are really important to
talk about. Because like if youguys are not on the same page
with what a date actually is,you might not be speaking the
same language.

Sage (10:07):
Speaking of doing movie nights, do we want to talk about
our collective movie nights?
Because I think that's a goodlead in to that topic.

Iris (10:14):
I love our movie nights.

Foxglove (10:15):
Our movie nights were a great idea, I'm so proud of
us. So

Sunflower (10:18):
Who wants to talk about it?

Foxglove (10:19):
I will! So the way, th way we do movie nights as
group of four is, one ofhe issues we realized we were k
nd of running into was that we.
. we were all kind of insecurebout sharing media we liked wit
the group, because we didn't wat to make everyone watch some
hing that we didn't know forsure they were going to enjoy.

Sage (10:38):
Which is a larger problem when it's a group of four and
not just one other person.

Foxglove (10:42):
Exactly. Because it turns into this like, static
'We're gonna rewatch BrooklynNine Nine 'til we all die, are
we good?' which is great andall, but, you know, man cannot
live on Brooklyn Nine Ninealone. And so what we decided to
start doing is that every weekon Sundays, we have a dedicated
time in the evening where wewatch A Movie, and then we

(11:05):
rotate through the group, andeveryone gets a chance each
month to pick a movie with moreor less unilateral power to
choose. There are caveats tothis, if you are going to be the
one picking the movie you haveto be able to find the movie and
produce the movie for the groupand like, make sure that
everyone has access to it. Andyou have to be able to give

(11:25):
trigger warnings and make surethat if there's anything
involved that people are reallyprofoundly uncomfortable with
then the movie can bereconsidered. But it means that
everyone gets a chance to like,share media they like with
everyone else. And it also meansthat even on weeks where people
are too fried from like, havingto finagle regular life or like

(11:46):
there's too much going on orwhatever, where we can't have a
real date night, we still havethat opportunity every week to
like, be together and sharesomething and like, engage in an
activity together for fun. Um,and it means that A, you get the
opportunity to force yourpartners on their own word, to

(12:06):
watch something that may or maynot be a good movieSun, for you
specifically.

Sunflower (12:13):
You're so mean to me personally. Yeah

Sage (12:16):
You wannayou want to elaborate on what movie

Sunflower (12:19):
No no no

Sage (12:20):
that Fox is referencing?

Sunflower (12:21):
I got this. This is the most important when you,
self-proclaimed, have bad tastein media. I love terrible
movies. I love like, cultclassics. And my first movie
that I brought up to movie nightwas The Room, which if you don't
know, you should watch it.
Because it's incrediblyimportant

Foxglove (12:39):
You shouldn't watch it.

Sunflower (12:41):
to me, for them to understand when I make
references to this movie kind ofsemi constantly, that like, what
it actually is. So it was areally exciting opportunity to
be like, 'This is a terriblemovie, and like, I really want
you guys to watch it and like,there's no good actually reason
for them not to watch it, sowe're gonna watch it.' I do also
want to flag really quickly

Sage (13:01):
It's an experience.

Sunflower (13:02):
cuz like, we always use the word like, 'We're gonna
force our partners to watch athing.' But I do want to say
that like, we as well as otherpeople, if they're going to do
something like this, do notforce our partners to watch
something that they would beuncomfortable with. We all have
hard stops and things that wewill not watch. And there are
some things where like, 'Ooh,this movie, like borders on one
of my like, triggers orsomething that will bother me,

(13:23):
but if I know it's coming, it'sfine.' But there are some things
that we do not watch movieswith, like X thing. And that's
an important conversation tohave before you start something
like this.

Foxglove (13:33):
Ahead of time. Because it means that you have the
ability to make your partner tolike sit down and be like, 'Hey,
this movie was made in 1956' orwhenever The Court Jester was
made, which was the first movieI rolled up with, um, and I was
like, 'This movie was made ilike, 1956, so it's deeply
deeply weird,' and like, havea degree of security in makin

Sage (13:51):
And one of the things that makes this whole process easier
everyone watch a deeply weirmovie without worrying that
was going to like, do harm. Andyou know, that, that conversatio
ahead of time of like, 'Oka, what are, what are everyon
's hard stops on media, we're gong to have all of these kind of
on the table. And then every tme we bring up a movie, we're go
ng to be like, 'Hey, justYI, there's like, XYZ thing, or

(14:13):
like this movie was made in 200, so there's like, some sex
sm or whatever.' That's an imortant part of this process. I
means you can make your patner's watch a terrible mov
e with total enthusiasm. But its also important to like, go
into it with a clear head on alis the planning and the
repetition of it along with alot of things that we do like,
like family meetings, forinstance. You go into it knowing

(14:36):
'This is a space where I'm goingto experience something that
might not be exactly to mytaste, but this is something
that my partner feels reallystrongly about, and I want to
understand them better byexperiencing it alongside them
and listening to them talk aboutit and get excited about it.'
And the more you do it, and themore you find your horizons
broadened, the more open youmight be to some stuff that's a

(14:59):
little bit out of your normalcomfort zone. Obviously not, not
too far out, like there's, aswe've said, some hard stops that
we just don't want to trespass,but some stuff that maybe just
isn't something that you haveconsidered before. And then
maybe you realize that you likeit, and then you have a whole
other genre to explore.

Iris (15:19):
Exactly. And I think it's also really important that the
way that this functions is it islike a mutually shared agreement
to go in with an open mind, butalso be rotated. And that's
like, the most important part tome, is that it's not really that
we're forcing each other towatch these movies, it's that
we're allowing ourselves tobring things to the table that

(15:39):
we otherwise wouldn't have. Andeverybody else is coming in with
an open mind. And we're able todo that because we all have an
equal opportunity, because withfour of us once a month we each
get this opportunity to bringsomething to the table. And it's
this shared agreement that we'reall going to just go in with an
open mind and have fun with it.

Sage (15:56):
Yeah, I mean, this all did just sort of spring from that
one conversation where we wereall like, 'Hey, there's a lot of
stuff that like, we collectivelylike individually that we
haven't been sharing, and likemaybe we should figure out a way
to do better with that and tryto introduce each other to the
stuff that we really like.'

Foxglove (16:15):
Yeah, and I think this is a good opportunity to
address... it was mentionedearlier, we talked about the
importance of like, date nightsbeing focused on the person in
question or focused on theactivity you're doing kind of
occasion? This is also one ofthose things where like, there's
a certain degree ofaccommodation that is necessary
for that, specifically,normally, for movie nights

(16:35):
phones are not allowed. If I sitdown and watch a movie for an
hour and a half to two and ahalf hours doing nothing, I will
crawl out of my skin and myskeleton will scuttle off across
the Brooklyn roofline.

Iris (16:47):
Terrible.

Foxglove (16:48):
In search of something to do.

Sunflower (16:49):
The imagery is just bad!

Sage (16:53):
I don't know what the noise I just made was. Happy
Halloween everybody.

Foxglove (16:57):
Happy Halloween! We're recording this on October 31st.

Sunflower (17:00):
Yeah, like we're gonna post this in December, but
it was recorded on Halloween. SoI guess we're gonna make
horrible references to terriblethings.

Iris (17:07):
Yeah. Fox has ADHD. And

Foxglove (17:09):
I do.

Iris (17:10):
that is why.

Foxglove (17:10):
Um, specifically, I have, I have Combined Type,
which means that I tend toreally struggle to sit still,
and I struggle to focus on onething for an extended period of
time. And so the way we havekind of gotten around that is
that tech is allowed if you needsomething to do with your hands,
as long as you're not doingsomething distracting. Like, um,
I am playing a match-three gameon my phone right now while we

(17:31):
record because otherwise, Ican't like, follow a thought to
its conclusion. And so like, theability to accommodate that and
talk about it honestly so thateveryone else doesn't feel like
I'm ignoring them, and I alsodon't feel like I am obligated
to sit there and vibrate out ofmy skin so that I, I don't make
them feel ignored means thateveryone's a lot happier and

(17:52):
more at ease during movie night.

Sunflower (17:54):
Yeah, and the important thing is, like we all
know, and like have a mutualagreement that like we are going
to watch the movie, we're notgoing to do something that would
make us not be able to likefollow the movie and like give
it like, a good old college try.
And like most of the time, thatdoes mean that like not all
these movies are everybody'stastes and everything. But for
the most part, a lot of thesemovies were like, 'Well, I would
have never watched that on myown. But it was a pretty good

(18:16):
movie!'

Foxglove (18:18):
Yeah, absolutely. Like Jennifer's Body for some reason
that just like, that entirecultural phenomenon missed me.
That was a lot of fun!

Iris (18:25):
Yeah, right? Bad media is good media.

Foxglove (18:28):
Jennifer's body is just good media.

Sage (18:32):
So one of the things that we brought up earlier in the
episode is the distinctionbetween, we've got date nights
that we do all the four of us,and that's stuff like movie
night on a smaller scale. Wehave some more involved ones
where we do themed date nights.
But we also do stuff one-on-onewhere we share things that maybe
not everyone in the group feelsas strongly interested in. Like

(18:54):
if there's a specific type ofmedia that any two of us are
really invested in, or a videogame that we really want to
share, or some music that we'reboth really passionate about,
it's a good opportunity to breakout from the larger group and
experience that on, on a deeperlevel and share that.

Iris (19:13):
Yeah, and I think something I want to just do a
little corner on is like, datenight ideas. So here's my top
two tips for date nights is forindividual dates, really do
focus on something that you havea shared interest with whatever
partner you're planning a datewith, that you don't have with

(19:33):
another partner or with anotherfriend or something, something
that you know both of you aresuper interested in that you
don't get to like, enjoy andengage with. So like, pick that
one thing and then just go wildwith that and plan the whole
date around it. Because it'slike a really easy go-to date
night when you have no otherideas. And for group dates, Sage
just mentioned themed datenights, we recently did a Mob

(19:54):
theme night where we all got

Foxglove (19:56):
It was so good!

Iris (19:57):
So fun. We all got dressed up in really fancy outfits, we
played poker, we playedblackjack. We really had a
amazing time. We made like fancymixed drinks

Sage (20:09):
Played some truly excellent music as well. What
was the name of thePostmodern Jukebox.
band we listened to? There wego.

Foxglove (20:15):
We were looking for something that had like 40s
vibes, but wasn't just straightjazz music so that I in
particular didn't take anunprompted nap, which is very
common when I listen to jazzmusic for some reason. And so we
listen to like, Toxic, but aslike a 40s like, speakeasy song.

Iris (20:35):
It was a lot of fun. And like, especially right now,
during COVID I think that themednights are a really fun way to
do a date that is still insidein your own environment in the
same place you always do datenights right now, but feels
completely new and different.

Sunflower (20:52):
Yeah. Are we allowed to plug brands so maybe they'll
sponsor us someday?

Foxglove (20:56):
Yeah, sponsor us!

Sunflower (20:57):
Because we should plug the Adventure Challenge,
because the adventure challengesgoddamn amazing. And I would
love for them to sponsor us.
Their dates are so much fun,they're definitely things you
would never think of on yourown, and they're also like
broken down by category.
Strongly recommend the AdventureChallenge books. There's a
couples one, a family one, and afriends one. And they're all
excellent.

Sage (21:16):
And like on one hand, we should absolutely repeat the Mob
night because it was a ton offun, and I need to redeem myself
in poker because I almost wonlast time.

Iris (21:26):
I think I won?

Foxglove (21:27):
I want to be allowed to play Blackjack!

Sage (21:28):
You won by a lot.

Foxglove (21:29):
Let me play Blackjack.
We can play with like, sixdecks.

Iris (21:31):
Fox counts cards.

Sage (21:33):
Anyway. Mythe point that I was gonna make is we should
absolutely repeat Mob night, butwe should also do like, six of
the otherthe other ideas,because we really, it's been too
long.

Iris (21:44):
Yeah, absolutely.

Sunflower (21:46):
Yeah, I alsodo we want to do like a little bit of
like a popcorn-style like, someindividual dates that we've
done? In case people are likereally struggling for ideas? So
like, I can start, Iris and Iusually scour the discount area
on like, the Nintendo Switchgames, and try to find the like,
one or two 2-player games. Solike, we usually play like
puzzles and platformers thatrequire collaboration and not

(22:09):
competition. And that's what weusually do for our like, shorter
date nights. And that's super.

Iris (22:14):
Yeah, that's a lot of fun.
Yeah, I love that. Sage and Irecently did a date night where
we just both picked an album toshow each other, and we just
like

Sage (22:23):
That was a lot of fun.

Iris (22:24):
Yeah, we just sat in front of like our big really fancy
speakers and just like, listenedto it and looked at lyrics if
that was relevant, and justlike, enjoyed the music in the
way that the other persontypically enjoys music. And that
was super fun to talk about.

Sage (22:38):
It's reallydespite the fact that we have like a pretty
nice media setup in the house,the amount of time that we like
collectively or individuallyjust like sit and listen to
music and do nothing else islikeit just doesn't happen a
lot. And especiallyand it'sreally nice to just be able to
experience an album from startto finish, and not get

(22:58):
distracted by anything else, notbe working during it, not be
doing some side projects justlike really, like, dig deep into
the whole album.

Foxglove (23:07):
You're both such nerds.

Sage (23:09):
Oh

Iris (23:11):
Fuck off!

Foxglove (23:12):
Oh no it's delightful! I want to listen to you talk
about this forever!

Sage (23:16):
I don't even have a response for that.

Foxglove (23:19):
It's delightful.

Sage (23:22):
You're so rude.

Foxglove (23:23):
Oh, but you're so cute, though.

Sunflower (23:27):
We don't fawn over each other enough on here.

Foxglove (23:30):
We'd

Sunflower (23:30):
Let it happen.

Foxglove (23:31):
I'm just, I'm genuinely so charmed by
listening to you guys talk aboutlike, musical theory and stuff
because I don't know fuck allabout it.

Sage (23:41):
I mean what makes you think I know anything about it?
I just enjoy listening to music.

Sunflower (23:44):
Well, and this is like a good part of it too
because like, Fox and I on ourown would probably not do that
as an activity because the twoof us are not very good at
sitting still. So like,important things to know.
Alright, Fox you gotta give,give one of the ideas.

Foxglove (23:58):
Yeah, when Sun and I have time to kill and we want to
do a date that's just like thetwo of us hanging out, we watch
cooking competition shows anddrink a lot of wine. And that's
just what we do. And itsometimes turns into like,
conversations, and sometimesit's just the two of us dunking
on people for trying to make icecream.

Sunflower (24:18):
No, a risotto!

Sage (24:19):
You can't do it in thirty minutes!

Sunflower (24:20):
You do not make a risotto in thirty minutes!

Foxglove (24:23):
And, like on the one hand it'sit sounds like a very
passive activity, but on theother hand, it genuinely brings
me so much joy.

Sunflower (24:31):
We're usually pretty engaged. I gotta say.

Foxglove (24:34):
We are. We're very...
we watch cooking shows the waylike, most dudes watch football.
Like that's about the level ofinvestment.

Sage (24:42):
Full commentary.

Iris (24:43):
I don't like watching cooking shows on my own, but I
enjoy watching Fox and Sun watchcooking shows, like that's a
pastime I enjoy is like, I willsit there with them and I'll do
something kind of differentwhile I sit and watch them
watching cooking shows because Ijust am there for the
commentary.

Sage (24:59):
My favorite thing is just like, their collective knowledge
about it is so deep now havingwatched like all of Chopped and
all of Cutthroat Kitchen thatit's just like, they're making
these references to likespecific episodes of like
seasonseasons past about like,'Oh, this person tried this
thing this one time with thisother person, but they're doing
it this way, which means they'retotally gonna fail and crash and

(25:20):
burn.'

Iris (25:20):
Yeah, no, it's like watching a sports commentator.

Sage (25:23):
Yeah.

Sunflower (25:23):
I mean, like, how do you youcan't just hate
Cutthroat Kitchen.

Foxglove (25:26):
Exactly.

Iris (25:27):
No, it's a lot of fun.

Sage (25:27):
So fun.

Iris (25:29):
I also just wanted to throw out there aswhile we're
still popcorpopcorning datenight ideas, board games and
tabletop RPGs are great for justhanging out with a group of
people regardless of its, ifit's a romantic partner, or a
friend or whatever, we're a bigboard game house because it's
like

Foxglove (25:43):
We have a massive collection.

Iris (25:44):
that's a... yeah, we have a massive collection of board
games, because it's something todo that's really engaging and is
really like, everybodydisconnecting from technology
and really focusing onsomething. But it also like,
leaves you space to talk andhang out.

Foxglove (25:58):
Yeah.

Sunflower (25:58):
Sage, you got to do your one-on-one date night idea.

Sage (26:01):
Yeah, no, I was I was gonna. I was gonna say, speaking
of all of the food things thatyou guys just mentioned, mine is
like a little bit different. Butit's uh... I love, I love food
in all of its forms. Andspecifically, I love going out
and finding the weirdest thingon the menu, and eating that,
and specifically getting a lotof stuff between two people. And
being like, 'Ooh, I'm gonna takethat off of your plate and try

(26:23):
that, and you can try some ofmine, and we can trade back and
forth.' And just like, we livein New York City, the restaurant
scene is incredible, restaurantschange by the week. So you might
have a place down the block fromyou that's one thing and then
two weeks later, it's somethingcompletely different than... it
might have been so-so and nowit's amazing. And the number of
places that you can just walk toand have an incredible

(26:47):
experience with something thatyou've never tasted before with
a cuisine from a country thatyou've never tried. That's
something that I really enjoysharing with people. And I know,
especially Sun and I have goneon a lot of those dates
throughout our relationship. Andit's been really a cornerstone
that we've enjoyed together.

Foxglove (27:08):
I mean, you also introduced me to the concept of
steak at the start of ourrelationship.

Sage (27:13):
Okay, that's just still the wildest shit to me, Fox,
that you couldlike, especiallywith all of theyou need steak
to function!

Foxglove (27:24):
I do, I'm very protein deficient all the time. But
yeah, no, like I distinctlyremember the first time the four
of us went on like, a groupdate, we went to like a fancy
restaurant, and like, Sage gotsteak, and I was like, 'I've
never had steak before.' And hewas like, 'Okay, we're gonna
pause everything, you're gonnatry a piece of my steak.'

Iris (27:44):
It's really good.

Sunflower (27:45):
And I think that's the bestthat's also the great
part about going on dates withlike four of us, because we all
get to get like, differentthings. And you can get
something that's like, kind ofsafe for you but also try all
the things? Honestly, one of theperks of being poly four
different meals and fourdifferent desserts and everyone
gets to eat everything. Becausethey HAVE to let me.

Iris (28:02):
Downsides of being poly, you have to pay for all of that
food.

Foxglove (28:05):
Yeah. Oh, that's so real.

Iris (28:08):
Our grocery bill is a nightmare.

Sage (28:09):
Downsides to being poly, people stealing incessantly off
of everybody's plate all thetime when there's good shit on
the table.

Sunflower (28:16):
Yep.

Foxglove (28:17):
I love you too!

Sage (28:18):
Fox I see you smiling. I see you.

Sunflower (28:21):
Everything's a shareable meal if you try hard
enough.

Iris (28:25):
One last thing! Cooking and baking together. Love it.

Foxglove (28:28):
Yes!

Sage (28:29):
Absolutely.

Foxglove (28:29):
Yeah, that's actually something that Iris and I do as
a date night a lot. We were, youknow, locked inside for our
anniversary this year. So I wasjust like, 'Alright, I'm gonna
spend eight hours making like,four different kinds of Indian
food, do you want to just like,pull a chair into the kitchen
and hang out with me and we canlike, blast music and it'll be a
good time?' And like, genuinely,that was really, really fun.

Iris (28:49):
It was a wonderful date!

Sunflower (28:50):
And it's even like, if you're not a great baker and
everything too, you can stillbake like boxed cake or brownies
or what have you. And it's stilllike, you get to do a thing
together, that's kind of cute.
And then you have to wait whileit's cooking, and then you get
to share it together and it'sgreat.

Iris (29:03):
Yeah, and there's a lot of time to do other stuff in
between. Or you could just playassistant to a partner who does
like to bake.

Sunflower (29:09):
Yeah!

Sage (29:09):
The convenience of just having like a small excuse to
spend time together and like dosomething mildly distracting
while also talking aboutwhatever comes to mind. It's
justit's great.

Foxglove (29:22):
We've really gotten into group cooking since
quarantine started, becauselike...

Sage (29:27):
I mean as much as we can, in our tiny little kitchen.

Foxglove (29:29):
We can fit two and a half people in our kitchen.

Sage (29:31):
Official figure.

Iris (29:32):
Fox is the only one who counts as half, because they're
so small.

Foxglove (29:35):
I'm very small. But so we've really kind of gotten into
that because you know, we dolike going out for dinners and
like trying new places and like,you know, going to a family
style Italian restaurant andbeing like, 'We're gonna get
enough food for EIGHT people andhave leftovers for three days,'
but we can't do that. So we justkind of got in the habit of
being like, 'We're gonna maketacos and it's gonna be kind of

(29:56):
like a family activity.' Andhonestly, it's been really good.

Sunflower (29:59):
Yeah, dates don't have to be complicomplicated
and it doesn't have tonecessarily be like, date
framed. Intentional time in thesame space talking or hanging
out or being near each other.
And like making the activeeffort to be there and be
present is valuable time. Yeah.

Foxglove (30:26):
So this week for our mmm hmm, intermission question
mark during this week'sintermission situation here,
we're gonna do a meteorrecommendation because we're
figuring we can kind of switchit up. And this week we're going
to talk about one of our veryfavorite pieces of media as a
group which is sensate. Oh,yeah, it is on Netflix. It is

(30:47):
exceptional, and it was unfairlycut down before its time. True.
So initially, a little bit of asummary is the broad description
of sensate is that it is it's aTV series about eight people who
discovered they share a psychiclink, and they can travel across
the world to be with each other,and figure out how to solve the

(31:09):
overarching problem of beinghunted down by people who
specialize in killing thisspecific kind of psychic linked
person. That being said, we satdown and did a count before this
episode of all of the genrespresent just in the first season
of this show.

Iris (31:25):
It's a lot. They do a good job of meshing all of these
different plot lines and storytypes together. It's it's

Sage (31:32):
honestly,

Foxglove (31:33):
it's genuinely one of the best put together TV series
I've ever seen in my life. It'smade by the koski sisters who
you might also know as thepeople who made the matrix or
Jupiter Ascending, or V forVendetta. Yeah. Anyway, the list
of genres that we came up with,there's a martial arts movie in

(31:53):
Nairobi. There's a crimethriller taking place in Seoul.
There's a heist action movietaking place in Germany in
Berlin, Berlin. Yeah, there's aBollywood romance taking place
in Mumbai. There's a policeprocedural taking place in
Chicago, there's a hackerdystopia taking place in San
Francisco, there's a likefinding yourself movie taking

(32:17):
place in London and Iceland.
There's a telenovela slash, likequeer movie taking place in
Mexico City. And the whole thingis kind of under this umbrella
of a sci fi action thriller,it's the best.

Sage (32:30):
But just in terms of like the craftsmanship of the show,
it is this gloriously shot,beautifully colorful, just
immaculately plotted creationthat I every time I watch it,
again, I'm discovering new stuffabout it. And the fact that you
can have these eight equallycentral main characters and keep

(32:52):
them all straight, and keep allof their plotline straight is
just a testament to how muchwork and time and love has gone
into the show.

Foxglove (33:00):
Yeah, because it's not like it feels like there's a
main character, all of the allof the eight central characters
are equally crucial to the plot.
And they all get a lot of liketime and energy dedicated to
their stories. And I'm just I'min love with it. Yeah. And

Sunflower (33:13):
it sounds like it could be really overwhelming.
But it's super not like the castis really big, but you jump
fully between countries. So it'slike the background and how it's
handled and how it's shot. Andeverything feels very individual
for each of the cast members.
And it makes it really easy tobe like, Oh, this is you know,
such and such. And here's liketheir side character and their
best friend and their partnerand their mother and whoever

(33:33):
else is involved in it. And it'slike they have their own TV
shows you just like areswitching channels every like
five to 10 minutes. And it'sbeautifully as the show goes on
like the first season is veryindividual introducing you to
each of these characters andtheir narratives. And then
slowly and very organically thethey weave these narratives
together in like the mostbeautiful way and resolve the

(33:54):
central plot of the series. It'sjust the not like, as a writer,
I'm

Foxglove (34:00):
obsessed with how well executed it is.

Sage (34:02):
Absolutely.

Iris (34:04):
Do you want to do trigger warnings quick before we get
further into the wreck? Yeah,the

Foxglove (34:07):
one thing that as we've mentioned with our movie
night, we're all prettyscrupulous about making sure
that we don't blunder intoanyone's hard stops by accident.
And so for Meteor x, we'realways going to be careful to
include some trigger warnings.
Sensei in particular deals witha lot of really heavy material,
it deals with domestic violence,it deals with transphobia deals
with there's a lot going on.

(34:28):
Like if you have a hard stop ifyou have a trigger that's really
difficult for you to deal with.
I would recommend looking uplike individual episodes or
narrative arcs on like, does thedog die or on IMDB or something
to double check and take care ofyourself?

Iris (34:45):
Yeah, and also,

Foxglove (34:47):
we've all watched the show a whole bunch. So if you
have like a really weird niche,one that you're like, I have to
ask this I can't find this on asite. Yeah, just ask send us a
email, send us a message onTumblr. We will we will do our
best to answer and none of usThey're gonna pick on you for
weird trigger warnings Take careof yourself. All of I would say
that all of these issues arehandled really well. In
particular, there's a transcharacter who deals with a lot

(35:09):
of transphobia from her familyand like, I am fortunate in that
my parents are very supportiveof me. But it's also a big scary
world full of transphobes outthere. And like watching normies
Ark every single time I watchsensate, I end up crying during
it and it's so well handled. Andthere's such a sense of like,

(35:30):
grace and love and compassion.
So I will say there are a lot oftriggers, they're all handled
with this genuine sense ofkindness that I find really,
really reassuring.

Sage (35:42):
It's nothing, nothing is done for the shock value. All of
it is stuff that isunfortunately all too realistic
and a lot of places and it'saddressed by people who have
been on the other side of a lotof the issues that are being
described and who like Fox'saddress it with sensitivity and
all of the nuance that theydeserve.

Foxglove (36:02):
Yeah. In terms of what kind of person would like this
show guys, riddle me this.

Iris (36:09):
queer people. Generally, people who want to see poly rap
that was the big thing for me,this show had the first time I
ever saw a Canon confirmed polyrelationship on the screen.
Obviously. One thing that I knowsome poly people struggle with
with the show in particular isthat the end of that arc and

(36:29):
those three characters it's aclose triad to those three
characters getting together wasa little bit rushed. It was
clear they were building to itall all along, but because the
show like Fox mentioned it wasoriginally planned to be a five
season show. It's a two seasonshow plus a movie to tie
everything together. I thinkthey did a really good job
considering how many differentnarratives they had to tie

(36:51):
together to like bring it to aclose but it is worth mentioning
that

Foxglove (36:54):
it is a little rushed towards the those last three
seasons being packed into onemovie means that the movie does
feel like a whole fucking lothappens really, really fast. But
like we all watched the movietogether we watched through I
think most of the show before wewere a unit, but like the the
movie came out after we weretogether. And I think all of us
cried through like that last,the whole

Iris (37:16):
thing, the whole thing.

Foxglove (37:17):
That last movie pretty much start to finish. So

Sage (37:21):
yeah, stay hydrated. If you're gonna watch this,

Iris (37:24):
yeah,

Sunflower (37:24):
it's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's well done. It's
amazing.

Iris (37:28):
It's so affirming. Like, for me, it is so affirming.
Yeah, like for me as like aqueer person, like an as a poly
person. It was just deeplyaffirming, and had so many
central narratives that I lovein media that's not just about
being queer, but that has a lotof queer characters have found
family and have just been foundfamily energy exam, family

(37:52):
energy, and just finding love inall of its forms, whether it's
romantic, platonic, familial,all of those different types of
love and just really exploringthe nuance of different types of
love.

Sage (38:05):
It's a show that celebrates connection in
whatever form you might find itas well, just really knowing
another person in a deep andmeaningful way. And that's one
of my favorite things that Iknow fox is gonna gonna
elaborate on from here.

Foxglove (38:22):
When we do individual media Rex, I'm setting a timer
for myself, because I can't betrusted not to talk for an hour
about any media I like. However,the one thing I really do want
to mention about sensei and theway that sensata narrative uses
its sci fi conceit, like thecore idea of like, what if you
could access the skills andknowledge and support of seven

(38:45):
other people all around theworld? The thing that I really
love to see in a sci fi orfantasy plotline is when someone
uses that core unreality as away to talk in depth and like in
really brilliantly different andunique way about something

(39:07):
that's really real andprofoundly part of everyone in
you know, our mundane littleworld full of Coronavirus and
traffic jams. And you know, thethe thing with sensate is that
it's so much it is about thislike you know overarching sci fi
thriller plot and it's like alot of fun and like if you you

(39:28):
know are someone who likes likea comic book movie where there's
like a big bad you're reallygoing to get a lot out of it.
But more than that, it's it'sreally a show about how like,
people have this deep desire toconnect and this deep desire to
be in relationship with otherpeople. And like the way they

(39:48):
use this conceit of like what ifthis psychic link existed as a
way to talk about you know,finding support when you really
need it and like finding someonewho can help you out of a tight
spot, and learning to ask forthose things when you need them.
It's It's so well done. And Ijust, it's so genuinely

(40:09):
beautiful. And I love it when apiece of media really gets as
much as they possibly can out oftheir unreality as a way to talk
about the real world. I'm done.

Sage (40:23):
nice and compact.

Iris (40:24):
Yeah. And I think the one other thing I want to talk about
when it comes to representation,and one of the reasons I love
this show, is there's anothergroup of three, Danny Leto and
Hernando and I think that it'sreally interesting because they
have a really messy and complexarc that deals with like the

(40:44):
different types of way weconnect to people. And they
don't put like words and termsto their relationships. So you
can headcanon them in a lot ofdifferent ways as like, some
various different type of a polyrelationship. Or you could
headcanon, Danny as maybearomantic, or part of the Acer
arrow community. And I thinkwhat's really interesting about

(41:05):
it is despite the fact that theydon't put these terms to it, I
think it's really goodrepresentation of like the
different complex ways thatrelationship can form. And you
could say that maybe even is areally good representation of
like a queer platonicPartnership, which is a
partnership that is really foundin like the a pseudo romantic
community as a long termcommitted relationship, that

(41:30):
does not look the standard way aromantic or sexual relationship
looks. So yeah, I just wanted tothrow that out there, as well as
like, that's something that aslike someone who's Demi
romantic, and is exploring thearomantic community in really
recent times, that's somethingthat meant a lot to me. And
that's something I've beeninterrogating a lot.

Sage (41:48):
One of the phrases that stuck out to me, that you use
there as messy and complex. AndI think that's actually like, my
favorite aspect of the show isthat like, it's, it doesn't, it
doesn't pull any punches, butalso it addresses like all of
the realistic highs and lows,even if like the best
relationships and like the needfor communication and the need

(42:10):
to, you know, the fact thatrelationships in any form are
hard, and they require give andtake and they require just the
same constant communication thatwe're always talking about. And
I can't think of that many showsthat really honor that nature of
relationships, because theydon't there's none of the like

(42:30):
gimmicky miscommunication stuffthat you see in so many shows
that use that to build this likefalse. Drama conflict. Yeah,
exactly. False conflict betweencharacters like it's, it's all,
you know, the it's a sci fishow, and a lot of the
situations would never happen inreal life. But the ways that

(42:53):
these relationships work, andthese people communicate and
build the relationships and loveeach other is really true to
life in a way that I don't seethat often.

Foxglove (43:03):
Yeah. 100% It's great.
Watch it. Exactly.

Sage (43:07):
That should be the tagline of our media. Rex. It's great.
Watch it.

Foxglove (43:10):
Yep. Yeah, it's such a good show. We should. We should.

Sage (43:14):
Yeah, yeah.

Foxglove (43:17):
Like tomorrow.

Iris (43:32):
All right, time to switch over to an audience question.
Just as a reminder, you can sendus questions via email at Quaple
[e-mail]. That's QU apLTE [e-mail] or through
any of our social medias. We'reon Tumblr at Quaple dash
network.tumblr.com. And ontwitter at the at wr underscore
podcast. Our question this weekis actually the second half of

(43:53):
last week's question. And ananonymous user on Tumblr asked
us, how do you talk to otherpeople about being poly? We're
gonna start this off like we dowith so many of these questions
with,

Sunflower (44:03):
it's complicated. It

Sage (44:05):
talks about it. I'm fine starting off this one, honestly,
because I don't really likethat's the answer to mine is I
don't talk to a whole lot ofpeople about my personal life
generally. And definitely notabout being poly. And the only
exception to that so far as oneof my closest friends who it's
been like, a multi year lead upof just getting increasingly

(44:28):
closer to the topic and finallyjust being like, Yeah, actually,
I am in a poly relationship withall these people you already
know and love and have met. And,you know, I'd said that they
were really close friends afterI said that they were roommates.
And now you know the full truth.
And I didn't feel comfortablewith that until I really had a
good idea of what culturalbiases and predispositions he

(44:53):
was set up with. And once Ifigured he was a safe person to
tell that's the only time Italked about it.

Foxglove (45:00):
So you just kind of evolved. It's in his nature.

Sunflower (45:02):
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
And I think we talked about thisbefore recording and everything
of talking about like, we arereally varied spectrum on this
specific question. So I thinkit's a really good question for
us because of that, becauselike, I'm probably the next in
like a lead up to screaming itfrom rooftops. And like, I tell
my, like, closest friends andsuch and like, would like to

(45:22):
build up to telling my family,especially before, like, we have
children together, because thatwould just be kind of awkward.
Generally, nothing stays asecret with a four year old in
the house. Exactly. So like, Ihave done this with, like, my
best friends and everything. Andit was more like via text
message and everything, becausethat's how I feel a little more
comfortable. And it was reallyjust being like, Hey, I just

(45:42):
want to tell you before you likeyou come visit us and stay at
our house next time, like Jesse,you know, we're all in a
relationship. So like, we arepretty cuddly and intimate and
loving with each other. So like,I just want to be open with you
about that. And like you oftenfield questions after that
statement. And like, one oftheir questions was like, why is
yours different from like, justliving with a roommate? and was
like, Well, you know,I plan on living literally the

(46:05):
rest of my life with them. Andlike a committed for group and
like raising children together.
And like all being parents andall having names for like, Mom,
and parents and all of that kindof stuff. So like we've already
planned all that out.

Sage (46:18):
And they were roommates.
And also it's more complicatedthan just that.

Foxglove (46:22):
Yeah, precisely.

Iris (46:24):
Yeah. And it's Asterix.
Yeah.

Foxglove (46:27):
That's the huge Asterix. Yeah, I don't know. I
think that's me. And I think I'mprobably I'm definitely next
least cagey. Although I'vementioned this before on the
podcast, I tend to view outnewness as sort of an nesting
doll situation, any idiot on thestreet can probably have a look
at me and make the staggering,like cognitive leap that I'm

(46:51):
queer. The next, like, thing I'mcagey about is being poly which,
like, I've, I'm not reluctant totell people that. But um, it
does tend to be a little bitmore of a conversation than just
being like, also I'm queer. Havea nice day. And then the the
thing I'm cagey about,admittedly, this is this is

(47:12):
affected by the fact that a lotof the socializing I've done in
the last eight months has beenmedical industry. So stuff. I'm
I'm cagey about the fact thatI'm trans because I mean, to be
like brutally honest, thatreally changes how you're
treated in a doctor's office.
Um, so that's definitely theinformation I'm least likely to
like broadcast. In terms of howI talk about being poly. I'm

(47:33):
very offhand about it with like,strangers or people, I don't
know that well. And I'll belike, one of my girlfriends
taught me a drinking game thatI'd never played before, because
I didn't have a party phase incollege. Or like, you know, my
boyfriend said XYZ. And like,people are, how do I want to put
this people are weenies bynature, and they're probably not
gonna pick that fight with youif they don't have reason to.

(47:54):
And beyond that, like, withpeople I know better. My father
is a minister. So there's anentire church somewhere that
knew me growing up, andtherefore really believes that
they know everything about me asa person. I'm like, with those
people, I'm borderline combativeabout it. You know, it means
that I just have like a coupleof rote responses. As son so

(48:14):
astutely pointed out, there's ahandful of questions that are
kind of typical, and they varyfrom harmlessly ignorant to
genuinely offensive, and havinglike, pre programmed responses
to those is definitelyrecommended.

Iris (48:29):
Yeah, I'm sure we'll eventually have a longer episode
about like coming out. And allof the different commonly asked
Polly questions. The one that Iusually get the most of, I get a
lot of weird sex questions.

Foxglove (48:40):
So I have like a very Pat response of like, my sex
life is not your business. Butlike, there there is a lot of
that, especially since I tend tobe very offhand about it. People
are a little bit morecomfortable asking me questions.
So yeah, there's pros and consthere.

Sunflower (48:54):
So yeah, we should do a special episode doing like an
FAQ thing, like we did foreverago when we tested this whole
idea. We should do like BuzzFeedlist.

Sage (49:03):
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.

Iris (49:05):
Yeah. Um, and I guess that leaves me I was waiting for one
of you to call me out for thefact

Foxglove (49:12):
that you would tattoo every identity you have on your
forehead if you had a big enoughforehead. That's

Sage (49:20):
so rude. or small enough needle.

Iris (49:24):
So rude, and so, so untrue. But yeah, so I untrue. I
have spent the last year or soof my life deciding that I've
always been somebody who wantedto be as out as possible. It
matters a lot to me to be ableto, like bring my full self to
work and feel like I belongthere. It matters a lot to me to

(49:46):
only invest time inrelationships that I'm going to
be able to bring my full selfto. So yeah, I'm very, very out
as much as possible. And that'ssomething that I've been like
moving toward them working on.
is something that's constantly awork in progress. So I think
even when I'm not fully out, Ithink one of the things about
like talking to non poly peopleabout being poly is there's

(50:09):
some, like roads that you canlay down first of things that
especially as living with aclosed group of four, and that
we've been living together forgoing on three to four years
now, depending on the differentgroups of definitions. Yeah,
there's stuff that you can saysuch as, when people are like,

(50:30):
Oh, well, when x and y getmarried, y'all are gonna move
out. And it's like, No,actually, we're all planning to
live together long term, or whenwhen they have kids is the other
common one. Yeah. Whenspecifically because like, I
don't ever want to be pregnant,and Iris isn't really interested
in it, either. Usually, it'slike, oh, well, when seijun son
have kids, you guys are gonnamove out, right? And it's like,

(50:52):
well, no, or no planning to allraise kids together, actually.
So there are things that you cansay without saying Polly that
really start laying thatgroundwork down. But for people
who just meet me, I'm very open.
I'm very honest about it in areally, sometimes it's in a
really casual, like, just likeFox, just toss out the whole

(51:14):
like girlfriend and boyfriendand the same sentence and see
what happens. Or if I'm in aqueer space, especially it's you
know, fronting with thatidentity information, because
that's not really uncommon whenyou walk into a queer space. And
you're getting to know otherpeople.

Foxglove (51:28):
Yeah, it's, you know, here's all my identity is also
my name.

Iris (51:31):
Yeah, exactly. Like, here's my name. Here's my
pronouns. Here are myidentities. Now we're friends.
Um, which is one thing that Ilove about queer spaces. God, I

Foxglove (51:39):
miss going to gay clubs.

Sage (51:40):
Can I just can I just have a quick sidebar of Iris how much
I admire you being this open allthe time. I do not know how you
do it. And I am so impressed andjust in awe, that this is
something that you do regularly.

Iris (51:54):
Yeah, definitely. It's just 100%. It's something that
means a lot to me. And it'ssomething that like, I just I
don't know why this is likeeveryone needs to kind of pick
that like thing that mattersmost to them in their
relationships and stuff likethat. And really over the last
year, this has become the thingthat I care about. So the hill,
you want to die, this is thehill, I will die on with my

(52:15):
relationships, and I am willingto burn bridges in order to be
myself, which is something thatfeels super good and authentic
and affirming right now.
So

Foxglove (52:25):
the line also big fan of it myself. Hmm.

Iris (52:27):
Yeah. So I think like, the biggest thing is, when it comes
to there's a huge differencebetween coming out to coworkers
or strangers or people that youdidn't know, prior to knowing
you or Polly yourself, andcoming out to people who matter
to you or who have been in yourlife for a really long time. So
I actually just came out to myyounger sister for the very

(52:51):
first time. Yeah, I have areally, really cool younger
sister. And we've always beensuper close. And so it meant a
lot to me, for her to be thefirst person that I came out to
in my family. So I recently cameout to her. And I think a really
good way to start a conversationand to start coming out as Polly
is to just ask, do you know whatpolyamory is? Or what do you

(53:13):
know about polyamory? and juststart the conversation and get
all of the misconceptions out ofthe way first, or in my sister's
case? Just getting the responseof No, I don't know that. I
really know what it is. Whatdoes it mean to you? Because
she's awesome.

Foxglove (53:27):
So Incidentally, choice answer when someone comes
out to you in that way? Yeah,excellent answer. Yeah.

Iris (53:33):
goldstar to her, but um, yeah, so it's really just one of
those things of you can get someof those like hurtful
misconceptions out of the way ifthere are any there by just
fronting with like explainingwhat Polly is to you. And in my
case, I just really defined itsimply, as a long term committed
romantic relationship withmultiple people. It was really
simple. It was really easy. Wedidn't even talk that much about

(53:55):
it after that, and I'm surewe're gonna have follow up
conversations, because thisliterally happened yesterday.
But yeah, it's it's a work inprogress. It really does depend.
It's very complicated. And we'restill learning and we're still
growing. So feel free to likecontinue to ask us like more
pointed and more specificquestions about like, the
different type of people youmight end up interacting with

(54:18):
about polyamory, because it isreally dependent on the
circumstances you're in ifyou're safe. And if you're able
to be out

Foxglove (54:25):
Yeah, and it also depends a lot on the
relationship you're looking tomaintain there. Like you know, I
I'm out as Polly to my physicaltherapist, because like,
everything else aside, he's thechillest human being alive. But
also that's a professionalrelationship like he can't be a
dick about it because I pay him.
On the other hand like me goingup to visit my parents and being

(54:46):
asked by like a little old ladyat church like Oh sweetie, how
are your roommates and beinglike, my partners who I love and
live with and have lived withfor several years and intend to
continue living with are doinggreat Right, Maryann, how are
you? That's a different dynamic.
And you're much more likely to,um, I haven't started a fight in

(55:09):
my dad's church in many years,but I have done it. And so last
year, okay, like four years,

Sage (55:17):
that's not that many years.

Unknown (55:18):
Not that long, yeah, four years.

Sage (55:22):
Not that many years.

Foxglove (55:24):
That's a very different dynamic. And you're
you're working with a verydifferent expectation of how
that relationship is going topan out, I enforce a pretty
strict policy with those peopleof like, either you come to
terms of the way I'm living mylife, or you get out of my way,
and stop pretending that we'refriends. And like giving them
that choice straight up doessave me a lot of time and energy

Sage (55:45):
to do a herd segue from this back to something that was
raised earlier. I have in a lotof the conversations that I've
had with my parents, they'veasked similar questions of like,
So when are you going to moveout and move in with just son
and get your own place inanticipation of getting engaged
and getting married and havingkids and being able to still

(56:06):
say, these people that I livewith are a big part of my life,
and we do plan to live togetherindefinitely and raise kids
together. And that is going tobe something that like we all
really look forward to and feelstrongly about. It's not using
the word Polly, but it isapproaching the concept. And I
think, with the place that Ihave been in with my parents

(56:28):
about talking to them about ourrelationship, that's enough for
me, like the fact that they knowthat Iris and Fox are people
that I feel strongly attachedto. That's, that's all they need
to know. And as long as they'recomfortable with that, then
that's, that's fine. That's aposition that's stable, and I'm

(56:49):
happy to continue. Yeah,

Sunflower (56:50):
yeah, I think it's Go for it.

Iris (56:52):
Yeah, I was just gonna say especially like, as the person
who's like the most out all thetime, one of the things that I
always am doing is checking inwith my partners who are less
out and that's something thatyou need to be doing is just
like how out are you comfortablebeing because like, with
anything from like, consent,about like different aspects of
the relationship to consent onhow out you are, it is always

(57:15):
going to be working off of theperson who's like the least
comfortable and who's the leastwilling to be out. And like, I
think that's really, reallyimportant. And like, you don't
want to out your partner,especially because you care
about them, and you love them.
And I think it's worth sayingthat just because I'm super
comfortable being out, I don'tthink it's any less legitimate
for other people to not want tobe out. So it's all about your
comfort level. And what you wantto do, like, as you can see,

(57:37):
this is one poly relationshipand we have like a wide spectrum
of feelings and thoughts on itright now. So I just wanted to
throw that out there. You'reYou're valid wherever you are in
your journey.

Sunflower (57:47):
Yeah, and however you want to identify yourself to is,
is your business is like all you100% of the time and also like
that's in a lot of ways an everevolving position to be into is
like today, I might be totallyfine with my family not knowing
but I don't know, somethingmight change a month from now.
And I am just gonna be like, Oh,hey, here, here it is. Here it
all is, it's all on the table.
And like that's something that'sokay to change your mind on.

Sage (58:11):
I also appreciate all y'all continuing to build a
friend group of people who youare out to, because then that's
something that I'm totally finewith. Like, I don't know these
people yet. But whenever I doencounter them and find that
they're the same awesome kindsof people that you inevitably
connect with, I can be out withthem. And that's a really
awesome feeling. Like I'm notnecessarily comfortable having

(58:34):
those conversations with the newfriends I make are people at
work but when we go to a workfunction, or when we go out to
drinks and we can be outcollectively to people that we
know that's a really goodfeeling. It's just not something
that I seek on my own.

Sunflower (58:48):
Yeah, very much.
Yeah, it's just Loki IRAs and Ibuilding a community that's cool
with us and being like, hey, letme present you the other two.

Foxglove (58:57):
Yeah, the introverts get a bonus community.

Sage (59:00):
Hey,

Sunflower (59:01):
it's true.
I think we nailed it

Unknown (59:03):
I think we did a great yeah,

Sage (59:05):
it was a very

Sunflower (59:06):
final statements they want to make her Oh,

Foxglove (59:09):
my final statement is all of this conversation has
been about being poly I want toclarify most of this outrageous
stuff applies to any queeridentity, any identity that you
feel the need like that you feelthe need to apply the concept of
coming out to in the same waythat like we talk a lot as a
group about like, Okay, howcomfortable is everyone with

(59:30):
like Person A being out, okay,let's, how comfortable is
everyone with Iris being out inthis environment versus that
environment, that kind of thing.
Likewise, like if you are in alike queer relationship, and
your partner is like closetedfrom their family, for example,
you should be having that kindof conversation if your partner
is trans, but they're not out tocertain people like yes, it

(59:52):
sucks to feel like you're deadnaming your partner but on the
other hand, you're protectingthem and doing what they asked
you To do and like in anyrelationship it's important to
protect your partner'sboundaries in that way

Sunflower (01:00:07):
also don't out people

Foxglove (01:00:08):
don't out people hot take just don't out people like
also. Yep. But like, especiallyif you're in a relationship with
that person, you're theirpartner. It's your job to
protect them. Yes. Don't be adouchebag to

Sunflower (01:00:20):
Yeah, love that.
That's

Foxglove (01:00:21):
a good ending. All right. And there it is. Alright,
everyone, that's been us thecouple. A big thank you to Molly
of geography for the use of hersong hunter hockey bloom for our
intro and outro music, youshould absolutely go listen to
everything else she's made. comefind us on Tumblr at kuapa dash
network or on Twitter at at wrunderscore podcast or even by

(01:00:45):
email at [e-mail]. Toss us a
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