5: You Asked, We Answered!

This episode we went through some of the questions you folks sent in and decided to just get a whole bunch done in one fell swoop!

Our topics ending up spanning things from serious to fun: coming out, weird fears and joys, being demiromantic, and some stuff about our anniversary and relationship. We really had fun doing a listener question special, so let us know if this format works for you and if you'd like to see us do it again from time to time.

If you loved this episode, please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a comment! Want to help pay Foxglove and get access to amazing bonus content? Consider joining our fan community on Patreon. You can also find us on Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter. We answer at least one listener question every episode. You can email us at [e-mail] with your questions about life, relationships, polyamory,  or anything really. 

A big thank to molly ofgeography for the use her song Hanahaki (Bloom) for our music.

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Episode Transcript

Sunflower (00:18):
Hey y'all, I'm Sunflower.

Iris (00:20):
I'm Iris.

Foxglove (00:21):
I'm Foxglove.

Sage (00:22):
And I'm Sage.

Sunflower (00:23):
And this is And They Were Roommates, a podcast about
modern love, life, andeverything in between.

Iris (00:27):
Disclaimer, we are not experts at being adults. We've
just lived through a lot. Thisweek, we're going to be
answering some questions fromour wonderful listeners! We went
through some of the questionsfolks sent in and pulled out the
ones that would be easiest toanswer and decided to just do a
whole bunch all at once.

Sunflower (00:40):
Yeah, let's hop right into it!

Foxglove (00:53):
All right. So I'll start, I have the first question
from one of our Patreonsubscribers, Gareth. And Gareth
wants to know, how did you comeout to the people in your life /
strangers, and how do youde-stress about doing it?

Sage (01:05):
Hmm.

Sunflower (01:06):
That's a good one.

Sage (01:07):
Yeah.

Foxglove (01:07):
Yeah. Does anyone

Sage (01:08):
Lot of different answers for that one.

Foxglove (01:09):
have a strong desire to kick us off on that? Or
should I go for it?

Sunflower (01:13):
I mean, if you have a strong desire, you should go for
it.

Sage (01:15):
Take us away.

Foxglove (01:16):
Well, I think we've talked before about how... to
some extent coming out is sortof a cost-benefit analysis.
Especially if you have, forexample, kind of like a tiered
identity, like myself. I'm morelikely to come out to a stranger
who I meet in an environmentthat doesn't affect my ability

(01:37):
to, say, keep a job, or getmedical care. And in those
environments, I'll tell anyfucking idiot that I'm queer or
trans or poly, like, it just, itdoesn't, like, register if it's
a person who doesn't have anypower over my life. On the other
hand, I go to a lot of doctorsbecause I have some chronic

(01:57):
health issues. And yeah,sometimes I have like, been
outed at a doctor or come out ata doctor's office and that's
gone badly for me. Um, so tosome extent, I don't de-stress
about it. A because I haveanxiety, but B because like,
sometimes it does affect my lifein a way that I'm not super

(02:20):
comfortable with gambling on.

Sunflower (02:22):
Yeah, like, sometimes it really matters.

Foxglove (02:24):
Yeah, like you know, I went to a doctor recently, who
pretty much stopped taking meseriously once her intern
corrected her on my pronouns.
And that's not a uniqueexperience. So, to some extent,
like I'm very open about beingqueer. I'm cagier about being
trans.

Sunflower (02:44):
For the record, that's super fucked.

Foxglove (02:46):
Yeah, it is.

Sunflower (02:46):
And we would love that to never happen again.

Foxglove (02:48):
Yeah. And you know, it's one of those things where
in a perfect world, it wouldn'tbe a concern. But we live in the
real world where sometimes theenvironment you're in affects
how you come out.

Sage (02:57):
Absolutely.

Foxglove (02:58):
I do, I will say though, I occasionally come out
as poly specifically as a fuckyou to a very specific kind of
person who I used to work with alot as an EMT, including one
memorable conversation where aguy I was working with went on
and on about how girls only likeguys that treat them like shit.

(03:19):
And my response was Well, I havetwo girlfriends and a boyfriend,
so you get back to me on howthat's working for you. And we
didn't have any furtherconversation for the four hour
drive. It was incredible.

Sage (03:30):
That's the biggest power move that i think i've ever
heard of from you it'sspectacular.

Foxglove (03:35):
Closed his bullshit down on the spot. It was so
vindicating.

Sunflower (03:40):
Yeah. Absolutely.

Sage (03:41):
I think I've got obviously a different perspective, because
I'm a white cis man. So I don'tface the problems that you have
with coming out. But I ambisexual and I am poly. And I'm
mostly comfortable notdisclosing that, unless it's to
a group of people who, like yousaid, like I don't work with and

(04:03):
don't have the power to affectmy life in any meaningful way.
Like we've got

Foxglove (04:06):
You're a private dude in general as well.

Sage (04:09):
We've

Sunflower (04:09):
Yeah, I think that's, for the record.

Sage (04:11):
Yeah, that's, that's fair.
I don't typically say a lotabout myself unless asked and
even... A lot of times, if youask me directly about something,
I will say Yes, I am bisexual orYes, I am poly. But it's it's
not something that I typicallyvolunteer about myself. Unless
it's in a socialsocialsituation with a bunch of people
that I don't know, probablywon't come into contact with

(04:34):
again, or where I mightpotentially make new friends who
will be okay with the fact thatI'm poly. That's always a plus.

Sunflower (04:42):
It is. That's always a fun thing. I have a split one.
I'm super not out to like my...
well, I shouldn't say that Iguess anymore. Part of my family
knows about being pan and beingpoly and some of it doesn't.
i.e. my parents, my parents donot know. And I'm like, working
on how I feel about that. Cuz I,at some points and everything
too I have like, a pretty goodrelationship with my parents but

(05:04):
also like we don't get along ona lot of things. I can black and
white this. My parents are veryRepublican and pretty frickin
conservative.

Sage (05:12):
Yeah there you go.

Sunflower (05:12):
And from a rural town in the northeast.

Sage (05:15):
Just gotta say it.

Sunflower (05:16):
Yeah...

Foxglove (05:17):
Sometimes you just gotta be blunt.

Sunflower (05:19):
Exactly. So like, the idea of coming out to them is
even... it, is probably worsethan what it would actually be
in person. Like, I really thinkI could come out to my parents,
and it would be awkward, andthey would have a hard time with
it. But I don't think that theywould be like, super shitty or
disown me. But like, the ideathat that's like a potential or
just like... it's almost worseto be like, they're going to be
okay with me, but they'llcontinue saying kind of shitty

(05:41):
things to like the general queercommunity, but just because I'm
their daughter, it's okay.

Sage (05:46):
Yeah.

Sunflower (05:46):
And that makes you feel like kind of wonky. But I
will say I'm very open in likesocial situations. And also
like, we live in New York City.
So like, yeah, I'm pretty out,there. I also like, I don't
always black and white like, Iam pan and polyamorous, it's
more often like, My partner andmy partner and my partner.

Sage (06:02):
Yeah, it just comes out as a natural part of the
conversation without a label onit.

Iris (06:07):
Yeah. Do you want talk at all Sun about coming out to
coworkers or your boss and stufflike that? Because you and I are
both pretty out at work? I don'tknow if you want to speak to
that at all.

Sunflower (06:17):
Yeah, why don't I start and then you could pick up
where you feel

Iris (06:20):
Yeah, absolutely.

Sunflower (06:20):
like it? Yeah. Um, so Iris and I are very
privileged to have a workplacethat's pretty cool with us.

Iris (06:27):
Yeah.

Sunflower (06:28):
So Iris and I are both part of our like,
workplace's gay club, which isreally cute.

Iris (06:35):
I like the idea of calling it a gay club, instead of an
employee resource group.

Sunflower (06:40):
I likeit's a gay, it's a gay club. So we do that
like, monthly-ish, and alsolike, we're part of leadership
so we do a little more thanthat. But through just being
part of that, like all of ourcoworkers know that we're like,
somehow queer? Maybe don't knowthe exact labels of it and
everything. But everyone at workkind of knows that we are
because we're associated withthis group. And that's pretty

(07:01):
cool. And like, I've never feltanything like super weird about
that. And like, my boss hasnever like invaded on that. And
also, like recently, I had to...
recently in a conversation aboutlike finances and how I was
doing emotionally with mymanager and everything, I
actually came out as poly,because I got engaged to one of
my partners, but a differentpartner's on my health
insurance. So it brought up somequestions. And he like, super

(07:22):
rolled with it. He's always anawkward guy, but it was really
just like, I was like, Well, I'mpolyamorous, in like, one
breath? And he was like, Oh,yeah, okay, theyright.
Uhmm-hmm, right, definitely.

Sage (07:39):
I was, I was in the other room for this conversation. And
I heardit was like, pretty muchexactly that phrasing, yeah. It
waslike it, I felt really badfor just sort of having to come
out like that, but also seemedlike it ended up pretty well in
the end.

Sunflower (07:55):
It was relevant, and honestly like, it's kind of nice
to have like this betterunderstanding because like, him
and I are pretty close, as likemanagers and subordinates can be
and everything. But like, it wasnice for him to just, like, kind
of know a little bit more aboutlike, my home life, because at
this point, he already knowsthat I live with, he already
knows that, like, three of uswork for the same company
together. So like, that also,you know, it's, it, butand they

(08:16):
were roommates! You know? Like,in that way.

Foxglove (08:19):
Oh, my God, they were roommates!

Iris (08:23):
Yeah, and the thing is that like, you and I already
like, because we work on thesame team. Like everybody kind
of had to have some sort of ideathat something was like,
different about ourrelationship. Because like, I
would just like, go over to yourdesk while you like had like run
to grab water or something. Andlike, if I arrived at your desk,

(08:44):
and you weren't there, I wouldjust start pawing through your
stuff, sitting in your chair.
Like...

Sunflower (08:49):
Yeah like you would just take what you needed
because like, I'm the kindofI'm a mom at heart. I'm a
mom. I have, do not have anychildren but I am a mom at
heart. So I always have like,snacks and extra chapsticks and
usually some drinks in my purse.

Sage (09:03):
You have supplies!

Sunflower (09:03):
Sometimes I have a cardigan. Yeah, a cardigan, a
sweater, sometimes a scarf.

Iris (09:08):
One as if you didn't have three cardigans on the back of
your chair at all times.

Sunflower (09:12):
Look, our heat was broken for an entire winter in
that room, it was sogoddamnthere were times when I
wore multiple cardigans.

Iris (09:20):
Yeah, yeah, no it was really a problem. But yeah, so,
so like that, that's kind of howit's tended to come out at work
specifically as well is justlike, something happens and it
just kind of organically like wecome out, and we're very lucky
that that's always been like,we've always felt safe to do so
in that circumstances, but I canalso talk, I think I'mis it

(09:43):
safe to say I'm the most out aspolyamorous specifically at this
point?

Sage (09:50):
Yeah, about even.

Foxglove (09:51):
I'm also very out?

Iris (09:53):
Yeah, I was also I was gonna say, um just quantity of
people I know.

Foxglove (09:58):
Oh, yeah, no, I, I don'tI know four people other
than you guys and two of themare my parents. Like...

Sunflower (10:06):
My awkward part too is like I'm out to like a lot of
people, just not my parents andone of my brothers.

Sage (10:13):
Yeah.

Sunflower (10:13):
And like that's a weird thing too. But like
literally everyone else in mylife like, knows?

Iris (10:18):
Yeah.

Foxglove (10:19):
Yeah. I'm very out to the people in my life, there's
only like six of them though.

Iris (10:23):
Yeah so like that's, that's more what I meant is like
you can measure the quantity ofpeople a little bit different.

Foxglove (10:29):
Yeah. I'm a diehard introvert. We can, we can
acknowledge this.

Iris (10:32):
Yeah, yeah.

Sunflower (10:32):
Are you just trying to flex though?

Iris (10:34):
No, no

Sunflower (10:35):
Is this a poly flex?

Iris (10:36):
No this isn't a polyamorous flex. No, I meant
more in that I've had,especially recently, a lot of
occasions of coming out inpotentially stressful
situations, I've been doing thata lot is more what I meant?

Sage (10:49):
You have practice.

Iris (10:50):
Just quantity of times that I've been coming out
lately.

Sunflower (10:53):
Yeah, Iris, I think you should really get
intospecifically for the how doyou de-stress, because I think
the rest of us are justincredibly anxious beans so
like...

Foxglove (11:01):
Yeah.

Sunflower (11:03):
It comes out wrong or randomly or like spontaneously,
and everything. But Iris, youreally like prepped this. And I
think that's important to talkabout.

Foxglove (11:10):
Because we also, we've talked a lot collectively about
like coming out to strangers,but like people in our lives,
that's a more difficultquestion, right? Like, my, my
parents are supportive, but mydad has had a really hard time
with all of it. And like, it'seasy for me to come up to like a
total stranger on the street soit's fine don't worry about it,

(11:31):
like that doesn't alwaystranslate to a personal life.

Sage (11:33):
Yeah, and I mean, even my family who are great and would
definitely take it totally fine,I'm still worried about.

Iris (11:41):
Yeah there's still an anxiety there.

Sage (11:43):
And as much as I know, they're going to be totally fine
with it, it still is justsomething that I'm working up to
and planning for. So it's along-term thing,

Foxglove (11:52):
Especially because like even if someone, you know,
comes around and is fine, andlike gets their act together or
whatever, if someone sayssomething hurtful right off the
bat, like that's still gonnaleave a mark.

Sage (12:03):
Yeah. It still, it just changes the relationship in a
way that you can't recover afterit's happened.

Foxglove (12:09):
Yeah.

Sage (12:09):
And that's always just a stressful thing to even
anticipate let alone actuallyact on.

Iris (12:15):
Yeah.
Yeah. And I think especiallywith coming out as polyamorous
specifically. Because likethere's, there's a different
layer to, of coming outdepending on the type of thing
you're coming out as, whetheryou're coming out as trans or
you're coming out as queer orbisexual. Like there's different
stereotypes. There's differentlevels of societal acceptance at

(12:37):
this point. There's differentlevels of like the people who
you know, and their familiaritywith it. And there's something
specific about... when I wasprepping to come out as
polyamorous, that was uniquelystressful in a different way
than any time that I just comeout as bisexual or queer. And I
think a big part of it, is thatthere's no script for it.

(12:59):
There's no Oh, okay, I've seenTV shows, or movies, or books or
something with a lot of queerexperiences, but I haven't seen
a lot of that with people comingout as polyamorous. So it kind
of feels like there's less of aroadmap for how that's supposed
to go.

Sage (13:16):
Absolutely.

Foxglove (13:17):
Yeah.

Iris (13:17):
And there's also this sense of like, even if somebody
might be accepting of it,they're probably gonna have a
lot of questions, because it'ssomething that is even less
talked about, or even less,like, kind of on the public
consciousness in averagesociety. Everybody just like,
assumes the default ofmonogamous in a similar way to

(13:38):
everybody 10 years ago, wouldoreven more recently, would assume
the default of trans or queer,is that like that you're not
queer or trans. And not thatthose things aren't still a
thing, but there's just noroadmap for polyamory. So
Well and that was like, I'veeven talked about, like, in the

(13:59):
idea of coming out as pan andeverything like, do I come out
as bisexual? Is that easier?
Because at least people knowwhat that means. Because like, a
lot of people don't talk aboutpansexuality, and like, what it
actually means and why it'sdifferent than bisexuality. And
like, in a lot of ways, it'snot.
And then a lot of ways it alsois.

Sunflower (14:15):
And then in a lot of ways it is!

Sage (14:16):
Yeah, there's some overlap, but then there's also a
lot of important differences.

Sunflower (14:20):
Yeah! But it's like, if you come out to people who
have such like, a smallunderstanding of the queer
community and all these termsand everything, do you at least
make it like, quote unquote,easier on them to understand
what you're saying andeverything.

Sage (14:30):
Right. Try and use language they might have heard
previously.

Iris (14:34):
Yeah. Yeah, so, so first of all, one of the things that I
highly recommend when it comesto any sort of coming out, but
specifically polyamory, sincemost people don't have a
roadmap, is start with justlike, something simple. And it
can be as simple as opening theconversation, this is how I've
come out to a lot of peopleespecially people are more

(14:54):
comfortable coming out with, butthat are still close to me and
that it was still a stressfulthing about, is just that
question of Do you know whatpolyamory is? And just see what
they say. Because you haven'teven come out yet. You're just
posing a hypothetyou're noteven posing a hypothetical,
you're just asking them if theyhave any context for the thing
you're about to come out as.

Sage (15:15):
Good litmus test.

Foxglove (15:15):
I also recommend that for coming out as nonbinary,
which I tend to run into asimilar issue with. I joke about
it being like coming outchallenge mode, where you ha
e to, like, define a bunchf terms first.

Iris (15:26):
Yeah! Any time you have to define terms while you're coming
out, it just adds an additionallayer of stress.

Foxglove (15:31):
Yeah. So like that, that opener of like, Okay, do
you even know what this is, wecan go from there, like, it's
really it's really smart.

Sunflower (15:38):
At least to make sure you're on the same page.

Foxglove (15:40):
Yeah.

Sunflower (15:40):
Make sure you're reading the same book.

Foxglove (15:42):
God, yeah.

Iris (15:45):
So I had two close family members that I came out to like,
each individually over thephone. And both of the times I
started with, like, Do you knowwhat this is? And usually got,
like a, either yes or, like, Igot, I think one time I got a,
like, Kind of? And then we, Ikind of defined what it meant to

(16:07):
me really quick, and then wentinto the, so I just wanted to
tell you that I am polyamorousand that I'm with the three
people you know I live with,including my partner you do know
about, and kind of just seeinglike how that was taken. And for
the most part, it's like, on onehand, it's complicated and
stressful, and there's a lot ofbuild-up. But in my experience

(16:29):
with people who are chill,there's maybe like some
confusion or some clarifyingthat needs to be done. But for
the most part, people are justlike, oh, okay, yeah, I guess
that makes sense. And then like,you can crack jokes about like,
Oh, well, it's so much cheaperto live with, you know, four
people in New York City, asopposed to two people in New
York City. Or, don't youorlike, especially if they're

(16:49):
parents and they're monogamouslike, Don't you wish you could
have raised kids with fouradults instead of two adults?

Sunflower (16:57):
My sister's first joke was, Wow, those extra hands
really would have helped withsleep training.

Iris (17:01):
Exactly, exactly. So

Sage (17:04):
Especially when two of y'all don't sleep.

Iris (17:07):
Exactly, we have opposite schedules, it's
going to be perfect for having

Foxglove (17:08):
Insomnia...
kids. But yeah, so like,there's, there's that. So I
think part of the de-stressingin advance is like, having
Well in so many queer identitiestoo, people really want to know
script for yourself. And becausthere isn't a script, this i
the best I can offer is just trto go in with some expectation
of what you want to say when icomes to like how you defin
polyamory, or whatever you'rcoming out as, and also, know t

(17:33):
e stereotypes. Know the things tat people tend to ask or say t
at might be super uncomfortabe, and prepare yourself in advan
e so you feel like you havea script to fall back on. Becau
e that's what always helpse with, with trying to, like, ta
e some of the burden of stress of of it in advance.

(17:56):
about your sex life. Like,you're welcome to say whatever
you want, based on how you feelabout that and everything, but
also like they have no right toknow that.
Yeah, that's privateinformation.

Sunflower (18:06):
Yeah. And you can tell them that.
Yeah.
Like, I don't go around askingheterosexual couples what
they're doing in bed.

Foxglove (18:12):
Yeah. I field a lot of weird questions about sex, and
my default answer is, You wouldnever ask a straight person
that, and if you did, they'd bewithin their rights to punch
you. So I'm gonna advise thatyou not ask trans people that
anymore.

Iris (18:24):
Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And like that, like I, I've had even
when, like, ultimately, we'vearrived at some sense of
support, I've had reallyuncomfortable coming outs. So
that happens sometimes, like Ihad a set of family members I
came out to at the same time,who didn't react terribly, they
didn't disown me, they didn't,you know, kick me out. But there

(18:47):
were those uncomfortablequestions. The first thing out
of one of their mouths wasabout, well, How does that work
with your sex life? That's superinappropriate. But like, I'm
also somebody who's supercomfortable about talking about
sex. So thankfully, I was alsobraced for that in the back of
my head as well and I had astock answer that I was prepared
to, to bring to the table withthat. And then sometimes I've

(19:07):
had really, really short reallygood coming outs where it's just
been like, Okay, so like, thisis a thing and that person being
like, Okay, I've shifted myworldview. Got it, you're good.
Like that's, that's super cool.
Or, I get where you're comingfrom, I understand that. And
obviously, it's easier to comeout to somebody who's already
part of the queer community.

Foxglove (19:27):
Yeah.

Iris (19:28):
And also it can be a really amazing opportunity for
maybe somebody has something totell you as well. That's
happened to me as well with afamily member where I came out
to them as polyamorous and theyfelt comfortable to come out to
me as a shade of queer. So itcan be a really affirming and
good experience, it can be asuper uncomfortable experience,
but if you go in prepared withyour script and knowing that

(19:50):
regardless of how that personreacts, it's their problem. You
are valid, you are loved by thiscommunity, and you, you will
have you, know, a community tofall back upon if anybody reacts
poorly, because if somebodyreacts poorly, even in the
moment, they might still comearound, they might still be able
to sit with it for a while,especially something that

(20:11):
they're really unequipped for orunprepared on the societal
spectrum for like polyamory,they might need some time, then
we need to work through somestuff. But as long as you equip
yourself with, you know, someexpectations on how they might
react, and then try to not buildit up too much in your head and
just do it, that's been myexperience of like, the best way

(20:32):
to go about it, for me, atleast.

Sunflower (20:36):
I think also something that Iris did, and
also like therapists willrecommend and everything too,
is, make sure you have like, anout strategy, if the worst does
come to pass. So like, just makesure you're not trapped in a
place and make sure that you'resafe, make sure you know that
you can leave if things dohappen.

Foxglove (20:52):
Yeah.

Iris (20:53):
I also highly recommendI've come out over the
phone more often than I've comeout in person, especially in
this global pandemic. Maybeit's, now, now is a really good
moment to come out to some ofyour relatives that you might
otherwise be uncomfortablecoming out to, by giving them a
phone call because then if theyreact poorly, you can hang up
the phone. Highly recommend it.
People get like, I even gotweirdly like wrapped up in like

(21:14):
the Oh, I feel like this issomething I should tell them in
person and stuff like that. Youdon't owe them anything. So if
what's safest and best for youis to do it over the phone, do
it over the phone! If you reallywant to have that experience in
person, I did not think that thepeople that I told that I told
in person, were going to reactpoorly, but I still had a plan
of like, Okay, here's where I'llgo. Here's how I get a ride

(21:36):
home. Here's how I do X, Y and Zthing to make sure that I was
being safe and felt equipped togo into that situation. That's a
really good point.

Foxglove (21:44):
Yeah.

Sunflower (21:45):
I think we should, we should move.

Foxglove (21:47):
Yeah, I think we're good.

Iris (21:47):
Yeah, that was a long topic. Sorry.

Sunflower (21:49):
I didn'tno it's so important, though.

Iris (21:51):
Yeah.

Sunflower (21:52):
I don't know, it's nice to be able to

Foxglove (21:53):
Coming out is hard and scary!

Sunflower (21:55):
Yeah! Here's some things, and also we love you.

Sage (21:57):
You're drawing the start of the roadmap that we didn't
have.

Foxglove (22:00):
Yeah, exactly.

Sunflower (22:01):
Absolutely.

Foxglove (22:02):
Coming out is hard, and it's scary, and it's okay
for it to be something that isintimidating. That being said,
as long as you feel like you'resafe to do so, the worst case
scenario is probably not thatdire.

Iris (22:16):
Yeah.

Sunflower (22:17):
Yeah, and it is helpful to like run through
those scenarios with somebodyyou trust.

Foxglove (22:21):
There's, there's really a lot to be said for
sitting down with someone youtrust and being like, Okay,
here's the absolute direst,worst case scenario, and here's
how I'm going to deal with it.
And personally, that's a majorway I manage my anxiety is
feeling like I'm equipped forthat worst case scenario,
because it means that if itcomes to pass, I'm going to be
okay.

Iris (22:39):
And also, it's probably not going to be the most dire
situation so that anything elseyou feel super handled and super
equipped for. Yeah.

Sunflower (22:47):
So true...

Foxglove (22:47):
Yeah. Like, it depends on the scenario, but like, as a
rule, if you're coming out assomething that you're going to
need to define, ask thatquestion first, don't open with
the coming out. It just makes itall go a lot smoother. And if
you're coming out to just like,random folks who don't run any
part of your life, it's okay.
Like take some deep breaths,give it a whirl.

Iris (23:08):
Yeah.

Sunflower (23:08):
Also, like they're great practice.

Foxglove (23:10):
Yeah, the old thing about using like, other names at
Starbucks if you're like, transand closeted and starting to
consider coming out to people,that barista is not going to
remember you.

Iris (23:22):
Yeah.

Foxglove (23:23):
I have trotted out plenty of names on baristas, it
is fine.

Iris (23:26):
Yeah! And also, I do just want to like put in one last
plug, before we move on thatcome out when you're ready, too.
Like, it's okay to be in thecloset longer if that's what's
right for you, it's okay to comeout when it's time for you even
if you don't feel like thepeople around you might be
ready. Like it's the coming outshould really be about you and
about your readiness and yourexperience and what you want to
do. I finally got to the pointwhere I was like, I'm gonna

(23:48):
start coming out to familymembers, because I'm sick of not
being out. And that's just notworth it for me anymore. But
it's all about whatever is rightfor you. And there's no shame in
hanging out in the closet for alittle longer if you need the
extra time.

Sunflower (24:01):
And like it's okay if you need to tell your partners
you need to wait too. I meanlike as you can see, we're
perfectly split half and half,and that's totally fine. We all
have ways that we are out and wehave ways that we share our
identities that feel safe andright for all of us.

Iris (24:12):
Exactly. So full full spectrum of experiences.

Sunflower (24:17):
That is the helpful part of us four!

Foxglove (24:18):
I think the TL;DR is like, take some deep breaths.
It's gonna be okay. Like, thecommunity has your back.

Iris (24:24):
Yeah! And we love you and are proud of you!

Sage (24:27):
We believe in you. Had to put it in there.

Iris (24:32):
Want to hit us with our next question, Sage?

Sage (24:34):
Yeah, so this one comes from Tumblr user
curious-by-nature-ashandant.
What's something you are oddlyscared of, and something that
makes you weirdly happy?

Sunflower (24:44):
I can start this one if you want, unless Sage you
want to start us?

Sage (24:47):
Yeah, I have a few answers to this one actually. Yeah,
oddly scared of... Well I'llstart with the heavy one which
is losing my memory, which isn'treally a weird one my
grandfather had Alzheimer's andwatching that was a little bit
yeah. So that's definitelysomething that I'm weirdly

(25:09):
scared of. And I don't think Ireally need to go into much more
detail about that.

Foxglove (25:13):
Yeah no.

Sunflower (25:14):
That's super legit.

Sage (25:16):
On And very relatable.
a lighter note... so I havethis weird thing with fruit and

Sunflower (25:22):
I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't
that!

Sage (25:28):
for the life of me, I have no idea where it came from,
It is a stubborn one. Do we wantto do all scares and then we'll
but I justother than like acouple of specific exceptions
and some fruits that are inthings like blueberry muffins or
something, I just won't eat mostfruit, and it's just this like
weird phobia that I developed atsome point when I was super
young. And I still have notmanaged to get over it and it's

(25:50):
truly bizarre and yeah, that'sreally all I've got about, about
this one. I don't know where itcame from, and it's apparently
here to stay. So, cheerdo all happies?

Iris (26:04):
Yeah i like that idea.

Foxglove (26:05):
Yeah, I think so.

Sunflower (26:05):
Um, I have... I don't have a ton of like weird things
I'm afraid of, I have completelylogical things and I'm afraid of
because of trauma and also beinga cis woman in this world.

Foxglove (26:15):
Big mood.

Sunflower (26:15):
Um, yeah. Oddly scared of theI like, it's not
scared, I, but I hate bellybuttons. I don't like looking at
them. I don't like acknowledgingtheir existence, I don't like
other people's or mine, orbabies', or anything. I just
don't like belly buttons.

Sage (26:31):
It's... yeah, I, I don't feel the same way but as a
concept, yeah, no, I get whatyou're, where you're coming
from.

Sunflower (26:39):
Yeah, and I don't just mean as like a kink or
something, I like, I don't evenlike looking at them in like a
beach setting.

Iris (26:49):
That's incredible. I don't have that many weird ones as
well, like I was trying toreally think about this and I
think my weirdest one because Ijust know it's, it's pretty
illogical is I've always had astrong phobia of roller coasters
for no particular reason. Ithink it's, it's actually I

(27:12):
think I don't like to be on aride that feels that out of my
control, which I know a lot ofrides are that way, but I don't
know what it is about rollercoasters. It's like the
combination of the speed, theheights, and the
out-of-control-ness I feel. I'mjust not good on them. Um, yeah,
I don't know if I have any otherlike super-duper odd ones. I
have like, some common humanones like, you know, like fear

(27:35):
of losing memory, fear offailure, some trauma stuff. I
don't know like I don't

Foxglove (27:38):
Weenie about bugs.

Sunflower (27:39):
Buggies?

Iris (27:39):
Oh, yeah, bugs I hate. I don'tI'm not afraid of them, I
just don't like them.

Foxglove (27:44):
That is materially false.

Iris (27:46):
I don't like them!

Sage (27:49):
The screams say that you're wrong.

Iris (27:51):
I don'tI don't scream.

Foxglove (27:54):
That's not true.
Okay, cockroach.

Sunflower (27:56):
At one point locked a door, and then wrote a
completely logical note at like,4AM about how there was a bug in
her room, and she wasn't fuckingdealing with it. I don't even
know where you slept that night.

Iris (28:08):
I wasn't here. That was when I was younger. I had one
time where I slept on the couch.
Because I... specifically, Idon't even really mind spiders
most of the time, especially thebigger the spider is the less I
mind to them, like tarantulas,I've had them walk all over me
totally fine. However, when ILOSE a spider, like if any bug
really, if I can see it, even Idon't like dealing with them,

(28:30):
I'm kind of a princess. So like,if I can get a partI have three
partners, most of the time I canget somebody else to deal with a
bug for me, because I reallydon't like them

Foxglove (28:39):
it's usually me!

Iris (28:40):
It's usually you, and I really appreciate that Fox.
However, I, usually if I can getrid of the bug, it's fine.
However, if I lose a bug, that'swhen I freak out. That is my
weird one. Because if I lose abug, I will do something like
when I was younger, I once lostthe spider that I was trying to
kill in the middle of trying tokill it, and couldn't fall

(29:03):
asleep when I tried, so I sleptout on the couch.

Sage (29:06):
Yeah, that's, that's a valid response, honestly.

Iris (29:09):
Yeah. I just don't like to, I don't like bugs that I
don't know where they are.

Sunflower (29:14):
You like to keep tabs.

Iris (29:15):
I like to keep tabs on them. Yeah. No secret bugs. But
yeah, that's my oddly scared.

Sunflower (29:21):
Alright, Fox, what are you scared of?

Sage (29:22):
What do you got?

Foxglove (29:23):
Um... hmm. I, similarly, I'm not scared of a
lot that is illogical. I am forexample, also a little jittery
about some amusement park rides,but that's because I was one
time at an amusement park whileour ride broke.

Sage (29:40):
Wait, when you say broke, how dramatically did this break?

Foxglove (29:45):
To the best of my knowledge there were no
fatalities, but I know therewere injuries.

Sage (29:50):
Oookay.

Sunflower (29:50):
Pretty bad then!

Sage (29:51):
Yeah!

Foxglove (29:51):
It was one of those swing trees that spin

Sage (29:54):
Ooh... yeah.

Foxglove (29:55):
So yeah, for example.
Not a huge fan of those. Interms of weird stuff, I really,
I will handle almost any bug. Idon't like the big Weaver
spiders. Again, likewise, Iusually mind bugs less the
bigger they are. However, I wasonce bitten by like a big Weaver
spider. And they're really notthat dangerous, normally, you

(30:19):
can get bitten by them allgoddamn day and you will be
fine. I am allergic to them.

Sage (30:27):
Because of course you are.

Foxglove (30:29):
I am allergic to them.
I'm allergic to very few things.
But somehow I've encountered allof them. They're all weird and
obscure and under nocircumstances should I ever have
encountered them but I amallergic to big Weaver spiders,
and they just make my, they madelike my whole leg swell up, and
I didn't like that shit at all.
I'm legitimately afraid of mycomputer catching on fire
someday, but I think I haveconcrete evidence for that.

Sunflower (30:53):
You do.

Sage (30:53):
Yeah, that's, that's a very valid fear.

Foxglove (30:57):
Yeah, I think that's kind of it

Iris (30:59):
Yeah do you wanna move on to weird joys? Sage?

Sage (31:03):
Yeah, I could do that. Um, hmm. Where do I want to start
with this one. I really love howmuch we collectively confuse
people when we're out in public.
Because when we're at

Foxglove (31:16):
It's so funny.

Sage (31:18):
a club or a social function, and we're just
interchangeably affectionate?
Watching the like, double takesand glances that we get is just,
it gives me so much joy. And Idon't know why. But it's, it's
really funny to me.

Iris (31:36):
It's very funny.

Sage (31:36):
And I miss being out in public and getting to do that.
Also the like, practicallycode-like language that we use
to speak to each other withinour own home with all of the
memes encoded into is, is, islovely.

Sunflower (31:51):
Absolutely.

Iris (31:52):
Yeah. Between the weird senses of humor, the weird
in-jokes and the memes, like wespeak almost a different
language when we're just thefour of us.

Sunflower (32:01):
We also have a lot of call and responses

Sage (32:03):
.Yeah.

Foxglove (32:03):
Yeah, you guys use me like a soundboard.

Iris (32:08):
Yeah, you can start a quote and Fox will just finish
it for you, it's verysatisfying.

Sage (32:14):
And then other, other weird joys like, this is more of
a personal one, but specificallygoing out for drives near rivers
because just like, driving by ariver in like the early spring
when everything is still justlike, starting to get growing
and just has that like, wetgreen growing smell, that makes

(32:35):
me weirdly happy.

Foxglove (32:36):
Mm hmm.

Sunflower (32:38):
Um, mine is very specific. And also kind of
weird, I guess. Um, I reallylike textures, and not just like
touching them. Sometimes I justlike looking at textures, like
sea anemones. I'm a really bigfan of just looking at photos of
sea anemones. It also feeds overinto my absoluteI don't even
know. My like complete

Iris (32:57):
Obsession?

Sunflower (32:58):
admiration, yeah, maybe obsession with jellyfish.

Sage (33:00):
Yeah, I'd say obsession.

Sunflower (33:01):
Love jelly fish.
Yeah, I love all of them, I likehow their tentacles look, I like
watching them swim

Sage (33:06):
They make you so happy.

Sunflower (33:07):
I like how stupid they are. I love them and they
make no sense and they shouldn'tlive and I love them. But yeah,
I really like jellies but Ireally like, I think it's really
about this like, it's all rootedin like, I just really like
textures.

Sage (33:20):
They do, they do look like they should feel really
fascinating, which is extremelyunfortunate.

Sunflower (33:26):
They should be like slightly overcooked noodles.

Sage (33:34):
Just gonna leave that one there.

Foxglove (33:36):
No comment.

Iris (33:37):
Um, should I go? Uh, I yeah, I've been trying to think
I have a couple I really likewhen you get to cross the last
thing off of a to-do list, Sunand I are both very to-do list
heavy people and like that lastcross off of a to do this for
the day is like weirdly supersatisfying and brings me a lot

(33:59):
of joy. I've thought of a coupleother weird ones. I really like,
I have a really dumbone of thepost it note dispensers, and it
just makes me weirdly happy tohave to like accordion post-it
notes, and to have like I don'tknow why, they just it's

Sunflower (34:13):
You like office supplies.

Iris (34:15):
I like office supplies like a lot. Like we have, we
have all these like reallyspecific notepads in our home,
like we have shopping lists andwe have like a meal planning one
and we have one that's like,just like notes and we have like
a full to do list calendar foran entire month for our podcast,
and like I have a week by weekbreakdown one that I write my

(34:35):
to-dos on. So I just likelist-making.

Foxglove (34:37):
Big prep energy babe.

Iris (34:39):
Yeah, big prep energy on me. But um, yeah, those, those
were two of them that I thoughtof, and there was one more but I
have forgotten because my brainis Swiss cheese.

Foxglove (34:50):
Fair.

Sunflower (34:50):
We can come back to you if you remember.

Foxglove (34:52):
Um, hmm. I like... I don't know, weird stuff that I
enjoy. I can, I enjoy a lot ofweird stuff. I'm having some
difficulty isolating specifics.
Um, I don't know. I likelistening to orchestras warm up.

Sage (35:08):
Yeah.

Sunflower (35:08):
That's fair. Yeah.

Sage (35:10):
I can absolutely get behind that, I would listen to
an entire CD of that.

Foxglove (35:14):
Yeah, like, you know, I, instrumental music I can very
rarely listen to an entire 10minutes of it. I will take a
fucking instant nap. But I likelistening to orchestras warm up.
It's super chaotic, It's reallywild, I like trying to pick out
individual instruments, I likethe way everybody kind of
coalesces into being in tunefrom sounding like total hot

(35:36):
garbage. It brings me great joy.

Sage (35:40):
Listening to orchestras specifically tune at the
beginning

Foxglove (35:44):
Yes!

Sage (35:44):
of performances.

Foxglove (35:45):
It's so good. I'm a big fan.

Sunflower (35:48):
Okay. Ready for this next question?

Foxglove (35:50):
I think this one's gonna be a nice short
definition. So

Sunflower (35:54):
Yeah, justyeah

Foxglove (35:54):
Sun, take it away.

Sunflower (35:56):
All right. This question comes from a bestie on
Patreon, our subscriber Kauh,Katherine. Katrian?

Sage (36:01):
Katrian!? Were you going for Katreon there?

Foxglove (36:06):
Katherine on Katreon?

Sage (36:07):
Katreon!

Sunflower (36:11):
Okay! This comeswoo! This comes from our bestie on
Patreon, Katherine. The termdemiromantic has been explained
to me in the past, and I alwaysforget what it means. Is it that
romanticism is rooted in anemotional connection, or is it
being really attracted tosomeone's mind and intellect?
Iris, do you want to hit us withthe definition first?

Foxglove (36:28):
Our local demir mantic?

Iris (36:30):
Yeah, so I'm just gonna pull a quick definition off of
Urban Dictionary and then I'mjust gonna talk a little bit

Sunflower (36:38):
From Urban Dictionary?

Sage (36:39):
Yeah, that's the source of choice here?

Iris (36:40):
Okay, well, there's Urban Dictionary, there's Queer
Undefined, which is like a bunchof different random people just
giving definitions, or there's,I did find one from the
Asexuality New Zealand Trust, ifyou think that's a better

Sunflower (36:57):
I feel like yeah, we trust the New Zealanders.

Iris (37:01):
Or wiki.asexual.org.

Sage (37:03):
Whatever feels spiritually correct for you.

Foxglove (37:05):
Whatever moves you.

Sunflower (37:07):
Honestly, the shortest was probably gonna be
the Urban Dictionary.

Iris (37:09):
It is. So I'll do that, and I'll also read maybe the one
off of

Sunflower (37:14):
We can talk about it.
You know what it means anyway,just read the definition and
then talk about it.

Foxglove (37:17):
Yeah, trust yourself a little more, babe.

Sunflower (37:19):
That's what we do, we're a podcast.

Iris (37:22):
They don't pay us to be accurate!

Sunflower (37:25):
We tell people we're not accurate! We're trying our
best!

Sage (37:28):
Yeah we got a disclaimer

Foxglove (37:28):
That's true we include a disclaimer.

Iris (37:30):
Yeah. Okay, so the Urban Dictionary definition is when
you don't have romantic feelingsfor someone until you form a
strong emotional connection withthem. Which I thought was
actually a pretty decent like,

Sunflower (37:41):
Yeah.

Sage (37:43):
Yeah, that's a good sum up.

Iris (37:45):
But um, the way I typically define it for myself,
and my experience ofdemiromantic, has been a, I
think it's worth stating thatit's part of the aromantic
spectrum. And obviously, like,aromantic and asexual are like
the two different halves of theromantic and sexual orientation
chart, where you don'texperience romantic feelings in

(38:08):
the same way as like the generalpopulace has agreed upon. So,
the way I experiencedemiromantic is that strong
emotional connection tends to bevery specifically, I do not
develop romantic attractiontowards a person until I'm like,
best friends with them, likeknown them probably for a couple
of years at least, have a strongfoundation of trust with them,

(38:32):
like

Sunflower (38:32):
And probably lived with them for multiple years...

Iris (38:34):
yeah. Yeah.

Sage (38:36):
Just, just as a hypothetical, though.

Iris (38:38):
Just as a hypothetical.

Foxglove (38:39):
Crazy random concept.

Iris (38:41):
Yeah. So like, one of the things is like, I used to
always, I was really glad when Ifound the demiromantic identity,
because it can be somethingthat's super frustrating when
everybody around you is likehaving crushes on a bunch of
different people, and is talkingabout like, romance and dating
and marriage and all thatdifferent stuff. And like you
can't visualize it. And then allof a sudden, you've been friends

(39:05):
with somebody for years and aswitch flips, and suddenly, it's
like, Oh, no, I'm in love withyou.
Oops.

Sunflower (39:11):
And it's usually like, your best friend.

Iris (39:13):
Yeah, and a lot of times, that doesn't go well. Because at
that point, when you're so farinto a relationship, a lot of
times you've already kind ofstrictly defined your
relationship as friendship. Sothat can be challenging at
times. However, I've come aroundon the positive side of it, and
that it really does mean thatanytime I want to, like, start

(39:37):
developing this romanticattachment, it means that I do
have that foundation of like astrong friendship, that I'm not
starting from nothing when itcomes to building a romantic
relationship in a romanticpartnership. It always means
that I have this like strongfoundation of trust and this
strong foundation of like, Iknow exactly who this person is.
That's why I want to spend therest of my life with them. So

(39:57):
it's, you know, it's definitelyjust a different way, it's just
a different way to feel romanticattraction. And I'm actually,
I've really come around to beinglike, No, I like this about me,
this is a cool thing.

Foxglove (40:07):
I mean, your hit rate's pretty good.

Iris (40:08):
Yeah! Now, you know, like, honestly, I probably have only
developed serious crushes formaybe five people in my life,
and three of them I'm currentlyactively planning to spend the
rest of my life with. So youknow what, pretty good hit rate.

Foxglove (40:22):
That's a good hit rate.

Sunflower (40:24):
Honestly, I feel like it gets you in less trouble than
me at the other end of thespectrum, falling in love with
people. All of them.

Foxglove (40:33):
Just anybody.

Sunflower (40:34):
Couple of them.
Around. I mean, like, I toldSage, in full honesty, and
incredibly, really, that I wasin love with him and wanted to
spend the rest of my life withhim at like, day seven of our
relationship. And like, yeah, weknew each other before, and were
friends and everything. Butlike, that was me holding back,
because like, I probably couldhave told him that at the end of

(40:54):
our first date, because I wasalready sure. I don't know. And
then like

Foxglove (40:59):
I adore you.

Iris (41:00):
That's so sweet, though.

Sage (41:01):
You're just such a lovely person.

Sunflower (41:04):
And like, yeah, that was like a little, that was
definitely never happened beforewhen I was like, fully in love
with somebody that early andeverything but like, I did have
a foundation with him. But like,I definitely have the problem of
like, I've dated so many peoplebecause I do form crushes out of
nowhere for no particularreason. Someone could be nice to
me for like 15 minutes and I'dbe like, you want to date? For
like six months and just see howit goes?

Sage (41:25):
Yeah, I definitely, I definitely feel that for my, my
own past relationships. Theminute like, an initial
attraction is present, theminute like that interest is
expressed on both sides, I'mjust, I was just gone.

Foxglove (41:41):
I require an embossed invitation.

Sunflower (41:45):
I'm like, I see a guy walking around in the street
that kind of looks a little bitlike Hozier and I'm like, Ooh,
you want to get married though?
Because our babies would bebeautiful.

Iris (41:54):
You just made Sage do a spit-take, that was perfect!

Sunflower (41:58):
I timed it. I was waiting. In the corner.

Sage (42:01):
That's so rude!

Sunflower (42:03):
No I actually wasn't, but it worked out.

Sage (42:05):
I was actually gonna make a hozier joke because I was
gonna say Someone New by Hozierplaying in the background.

Foxglove (42:10):
Yeah, that's the energy!

Sunflower (42:12):
Legitimately me.
Like

Sage (42:14):
You, summed up in a song.

Sunflower (42:14):
that, I listened to that song the first time. Yeah,
I listened to that for the firsttime and I was like, Oh, other
people feel this way. Shit.

Iris (42:21):
No it's so funny too because I, I have a very
distinct, like romantic versussexual attraction as well. Like,
I'm very much so of the type ofperson too that like, is super
comfortable like with, like,just sex and sexuality and that
sort of stuff. And I just likecan so easily develop that sort

(42:42):
of attraction towards a person.
But like, it's so completelydivorced from romantic
attraction because of the factthat that I typically don't
develop it until way down theroad.

Sunflower (42:54):
I think it's really funny because you and I are
literally opposite on both ofthese things.

Iris (42:58):
Yeah.

Sunflower (42:59):
Like I would like a formal written invitation for
like anything sexual to happen,but I'm like, but we could date
for six months.

Iris (43:07):
Yeah, meanwhile, I'm like, Oh, no, we could be like friends
with benefits or something likethat. But that doesn't mean that
like

Sunflower (43:13):
But I don't LIKE you.

Iris (43:14):
but I don't like, I don't have plans for you long term to
be like a romantic partner andsomeone I raise kids with or get
married to and then meanwhileI'm like, turning around and I'm
like, I know we've been likereally super close like super
non-sexual non-romantic friendsfor years and years now but,
just a heads up, I've fallen inlove with you. Out of the blue.

(43:35):
Woke up one day.

Foxglove (43:36):
Direct quote from the conversation that was happening
with me in Senior year.

Iris (43:40):
Yeah, no, literally I woke upwhen it came to Fox, I
literally like woke up withperfect clarity one morning and
went Oh, I'm in love with Fox.
Oh no.

Sage (43:52):
Iris and Fox are the slowest slow burn fic you have
ever read.

Foxglove (43:57):
Yup.

Sunflower (43:58):
True.

Iris (43:58):
Literally like stretching over like what, six years to get
to the point where we're at now?

Foxglove (44:03):
Approaching eight.

Iris (44:04):
Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's been a long time.

Sage (44:08):
Eight goddamn years!?

Foxglove (44:11):
Eight for Iris, approaching seven for me.

Iris (44:15):
Yeah, well, that's true too. Because, because I, I was
like, I had like a besties crushon you. Like I wanted, like I
also, something I've beengetting more familiar with when
it comes to like the ace and arocommunity is like the queer
platonic idea of like people whoyou get, like super attached to

(44:35):
but in like a platonic way. Solike I can form these like
really strong long-term bondsthat have nothing to do with
like sex or romance and stuff aswell, so that's like another
also wonderful part of the aceand aro community. But yeah,
anyway. Yeah, romantichumansare weird. We experience
romantic and sexual attractionin a lot of different ways. And

(44:56):
that's really cool.

Foxglove (44:57):
What's the, what's the Star Trek quote? Infinite
diversity through infinitecombinations.

Sage (45:02):
Yeah. Sums it up pretty good.

Foxglove (45:03):
Right? I like it. Not to be a total nerd. It's a
Vulcan thing. Don't worry aboutit. I'm showing y'all Star Trek
movie night. By the way.

Sage (45:12):
You're not fooling anyone.

Foxglove (45:13):
I'm showing you guys Star, Star Trek this week.

Sunflower (45:16):
I think it's funny cuz you're gonna show us Star
Trek, and then we're gonna comeback around to my week, and I'm
going to just show you guys JohnTucker Must Die.

Foxglove (45:22):
Great.

Sunflower (45:23):
The two halves of this relationship.

Sage (45:25):
Infinite diversity guys.

Foxglove (45:26):
Through infinite combinations!

Sage (45:29):
All right, we want to go to the last question?

Foxglove (45:31):
Yeah.

Iris (45:32):
Sounds good to me. All right. So, um, this is a
wonderful question from ourPatreon subscriber Nani. When's
your anniversary? Is there anyparticular reason all four of
you respond to ice cream andcustomer service like it's
lighting and romantic music?

Foxglove (45:47):
I want to get out ahead of this really quick, and
point out that YOU three respondto ice cream and customer
service that way, I respond toliving in an like, long term
home with people and getting aembossed invitation to the tune
of like, Hey, would you like toconsider an emotional attachment

(46:08):
that is reciprocal after acouple of years that way,
because I'm deeply obtuse.

Sunflower (46:14):
Yeah. And I, I will also say, I, I found out that I
liked Sage not in the ice creamshop that we work together in
for like three years at thatpoint. Like we went away to a
conference, and

Iris (46:27):
An ice cream conference.

Foxglove (46:28):
An ice cream conference though!

Sunflower (46:30):
and that's when I figured it out. Okay.

Foxglove (46:30):
I don't think you get points.

Sage (46:35):
Yeah you don't babe.
Sorry.

Foxglove (46:36):
You know, alright, I redact it.

Sage (46:39):
We also, we went on, we went on a not-really date where
we got milkshakes which containice cream, so like even more...
no.

Sunflower (46:48):
We did, aww!

Foxglove (46:48):
Yeah.

Sunflower (46:48):
I forgot about that.

Sage (46:49):
Ice cream is just, we, we literally got ice cream last
night and it was great.
It was, we should get more icecream.

Iris (46:55):
Oh I still have mine in the freezer! Hell, yeah.

Sage (46:57):
But yeah, so anyone, anyone want to actually give the
day of our anniversary?

Iris (47:03):
Yeah that we had to executively decide?

Foxglove (47:03):
November... 9th?

Sage (47:05):
Yeah, that's actually, that's a whole story worth going
into, because we had so manydifferent dates that we could
have used, nut ultimately, wedecided on the day when we were
all

Foxglove (47:16):
November 9, I NAILED it!

Sage (47:18):
permanently moved in together.

Sunflower (47:19):
Did you look it up?

Foxglove (47:20):
Well, I said November 9th, and then I checked, and I
was correct.

Sunflower (47:24):
Okay.

Foxglove (47:25):
I have the recording, I can prove it.

Iris (47:26):
No they said it, I, yeah I could hear that. They were just,
they said it very quietly.

Foxglove (47:30):
Because I didn't think I was right. I thought I was
wrong. I'm terrible at dates.

Sage (47:33):
Do we want to take that

Foxglove (47:34):
Okay, but Sage did say that weso we executively
decided our

Sage (47:37):
from the top again?

Sunflower (47:39):
No.

Iris (47:39):
Oh no, this all stays in.

Sunflower (47:41):
So we executively decided our anniversary because
like, well, okay, hold on. Sothe two like couples that make
up the quaple, the primarypartners?

Iris (47:50):
The anchor partners, yeah.

Sunflower (47:52):
Yeah. I don't know words. Um, do have their own
anniversaries, obvi. But we alldecided to be polyamorous and in
a relationship together in likea kind of organic way over like
a couple of conversations andstuff. So you can't really point
to like, Oh, on September 9th wedecided it was going to work and
we were doing it and we weregonna do this forever. It kind
of just happened?

Iris (48:12):
So we backdated it.

Sage (48:13):
Yeah we did.

Sunflower (48:14):
So we backdated it to the date that we all moved in
together, which is actually theday that specifically Fox moved
into the house that the three ofus already lived in together.

Iris (48:23):
Yeah.

Sunflower (48:24):
And something just changed.

Iris (48:26):
Yeah.

Sunflower (48:26):
Cuz like from that day on, we were all like, pretty
affectionate and like would cooktogether, we made only family
meals, we always ate at thedining room together. We really
like, planned all of our outingstogether as like a whole, and
like...

Iris (48:38):
Went on dates together.

Sage (48:39):
Do you ever think about how baffling it is that this
ended up happening? Like do youever just like think all the way
back through all of thedifferent decisions that we made
and like the fact that like,before we even decided to be in
a relationship together that wewere already basically acting
like a family?

Sunflower (48:56):
Sage and I decided to move into like, a big house
specifically so Iris could bethere. And like, also, it had an
extra room that just happened tobe perfect for Fox to live in
too. No big deal, definitelydidn't plan that!

Iris (49:11):
Yeah, no, it's one of those things where there also,
it just like, Fox would comevisit us for like long periods
of time, because they'd be awayfor a couple months, and then
they would come out and theywould visit us because they were
currently living with theirparents up in Maine, after like,
we had shared a room and sharedan apartment our last year

Foxglove (49:30):
For three years at that point?

Iris (49:31):
for three years at that point. So we'd been super used
to living together. And I was sodepressed with Fox all the way
in Maine and me andMassachusetts. So there was that
factor too, but it also like,even just in the group, there
was a whole dynamic shiftwhenever Fox was around. Like
everything just fell into placewhenever Fox was around as well,
and we were just like thisreally functional unit when Fox

(49:53):
would come stay for a coupleweeks, and then they would go
home, and I would get depressed.
Careful, you're gonna give me anego.

Sage (50:00):
I think we all did. Like I think that's kind of how a lot
of this started is we allrealized that whenever Fox went
away that we were all just alittle bit sad. And we wanted
them here all the time.

Sunflower (50:11):
Yeah, cuz It was definitely like, I didn't know
Fox almost at all. When I waslike, No, it's better. And not
just Iris. We're all just like,better when they're here, and I
don't know why. Then like, alsoat that point, too like, I
wasn't really an active part oflike, the queer community, like
I've known for a really longtime that I wasn't straight, but
like, I really didn't know aboutpolyamory, or like, how it was

(50:33):
practiced, and how like, all ofthat works and everything, so
like, we started all just livingtogether and doing everything
together, and it was always justlike, Yeah, our little family.
And like, there was never thislike, Sage and I are gonna get
engaged and move out and havesome kids and do the whole like,
straight hetero couple, like itjust never felt right?
Well originally, it was like,Sage and I were gonna buy a big

Sage (50:50):
Yeah.

Iris (50:50):
There was also this big conversation early on after Fox
moved in that was really aboutthe fact that like, no,
everybody keeps, like talkingabout the fact that like, Oh
well one day Sage and Sun aregoing to get engaged and they're
going to move out. And they'regoing to have kids, and like, we
don't want that. Like before wewere even putting polyamory to
it, there was still this verymuch so sense of like, No, t

(51:12):
at would be weird. Like, we do't want to move out, we want..
like, and at first it was lie, Oh, well, you guys will hav
kids, but we can all live toestate somewhere and you guys
are gonna have a little house onthe same property so we can be
near each other all the time.

Sage (51:27):
Very aspirational I'd like to point out.

Foxglove (51:29):
No homo though.

Sunflower (51:30):
Yeah, which is totally normal, very
heterosexual, super normal.

Iris (51:36):
No, and it just, I really love how organically our
relationship developed. I alsolike I had, I've literally only
ever had open relationships orsome shade of polyamorous
relationship or something. So itlike, it really felt really
organic and right for me, aswell. So I don't know how the
conversations actually like kindbecame about that and actually

(51:58):
happened. But I think there waslike, really a sense of me of
being like, This is just fine.
Like, regardless of how it worksout, I don't care what terms we
put to it or whatever. I justwant to know everybody's on the
same page and that like, we'recool all staying together long
term, because it would be a hugebummer if we didn't.

Sunflower (52:13):
Yeah. And I think that was, that was really weird
ended up of being like, It wouldbe a huge bummer if we weren't
all together.

Sage (52:19):
We like this and we want it to stay this way.

Sunflower (52:20):
And that's when you know you're in a relationship,
right? Yeah. Like if you'rehappier with a person, you're
happier with the person then youare separate.

Foxglove (52:28):
What else is there?

Sage (52:30):
Literally the only criteria for should I be in a
relationship with this person?

Foxglove (52:35):
Yeah,

Iris (52:35):
Yeah.

Sunflower (52:36):
Honestly.

Sage (52:36):
Well, alright. Not the only criteria, but an important
one.

Sunflower (52:39):
Yeah also, you should be like good for each other and
be able to have functionalconversations and like,
communicate. It's a big one,though. It's a big factor

Iris (52:46):
It is. And circling back around to the whole ice cream

Sage (52:49):
And customer service.

Iris (52:50):
and customer service like mood lighting and romantic
music, I love this tangent wegot on.

Foxglove (52:53):
Here's my theory.

Iris (52:54):
You have a theory?

Foxglove (52:55):
I have a theory. I do.
Once you have seen someonehaving a complete fucking
meltdown at like, 10pm on themiddle of like the worst week in
July, at a customer service job,you have seen the worst that
person has to offer. And if youstill like them, you should
probably get married. That is mytheory, I'm only sort of joking.

Iris (53:19):
No, that's so fair, though. Because like we really,
we went through so much ascustomer service representatives
together. And like specifically,we were all in varying degrees
of management together. So like,we, we, we really, and like
there was always a sense of likewe deeply cared about the people
that we had working for us,because we also had a bunch of
like, people who were a coupleyears younger for us that really

(53:41):
looked up to us as like, like,parental figures and as the
adults, even though we werestill super young.

Sage (53:46):
There we a lot of people who it was their first job, like
this was their entry into theworking world and like, we
weren't that far out of itourselves and we wantedwe just
felt like we had aresponsibility, a deep
responsibility that went a lotfurther than just being like,
Okay, you guys have to do yourjobs now.

Sunflower (54:03):
Well and also like, I don't know if y'all know this,
but customer service is hell.

Foxglove (54:08):
Yep.

Sage (54:09):
If you didn't know, now you know,

Sunflower (54:10):
Yeah. We spent a lot of time like, emotionally caring
for these other people. Andlike, there's a natural point of
that of being like, these arenow all of my 17 children that I
take care of emotionally andmake sure that they like, drink
water and eat regularly and takebreaks and like, know they're
worthwhile.

Sage (54:28):
17, we had 40 of them in the summer.

Iris (54:29):
Yeah, we were, we were three co-parents to 40 children.

Foxglove (54:33):
Yeah. And I was like the weird relative on call that
I would like get a text fromSage that was just like, a
picture of an injury and belike, You think this person
needs to go to the hospital? andI would be like, Okay, we're
doing this now. Great.
Cool medical aunt who

Iris (54:48):
And also making our ice cream cakes.

Sage (54:50):
yeah, who also decorates and makes all our ice cream
cakes.

Sunflower (54:53):
What's the, what's the non-gendered aunt uncle?

Foxglove (54:53):
Yeah.
I've heard heardpeople go with Oncle, and I
just, that's bad to say. Bad tosay, not in love with listening
to it, not gonna let people useit for me.

Sunflower (55:06):
For some reason my brain said, instead of like The
Man from UNCLE, the nonbinaryindividual from ONCLE.

Sage (55:18):
I gotta say I don't respond to customer service
anymore like it is, what is it,mood lighting and romantic
music. But the thing, the thingthat occasionally reminds me of
all of the good moments that weused to have when we were in
customer service is wheneverwe're doing some kind of shared
task together, and we just kindof recover that muscle memory of

(55:41):
like, this is where this personis going to step, this is what
they need, here's how I need toturn to let them by me in this
tiny fucking kitchen. And justlike, we had this, this sixth
sense, between all of us at onepoint where we were working
within what, like a foot of eachother at all times, like between
the register and the ice creamcabinets and everything else?

Iris (56:03):
And moving quick.

Sage (56:04):
And moving fast, like sprinting downstairs, upstairs,
along the counter. And we didn'thave time to like, shout at each
other Hey, behind you everytime, and we just, we knew.

Sunflower (56:15):
You just knew. Yeah.
I think the big thing here too,also, as a relation of like
seeing everyone at their worst,we saw everyone at their worst
and at their best because like,completing lines and doing that
stuff really is reallysuccessful and feels really
good. But also, like, we're anexcellent team. And we always
have been.

Iris (56:33):
Yeah, that's always developed really organically.

Sage (56:35):
And we complement each other is the thing. Like there's
stuff that I'm better at,because I tend to be a little
bit more deliberate. And thenthere's stuff that you guys are
a lot better at, because youthink a lot faster on your feet.
And that was the reason that weall did so well is because like,
I could hang out in thebackground and try to make a
little bit more grand decisionsabout how the night was going to

(56:58):
go and where people needed to beplaced and you guys would just
execute it. And I didn't need toworry about how because I knew
you'd get it done.

Sunflower (57:06):
And also just trust.

Foxglove (57:08):
Yeah.

Sunflower (57:08):
Like I will say working in customer service and
like working in front of peopleand with food and all that kind
of stuff does come with a lotof, you have to trust your co
workers. And like, that's a kindof beautiful place to start
friendships with and I stillhave a few friends from that,
like outside of this small grouptoo. Because like, there's
something about just working forlike, sometimes 14-hour days

(57:29):
with these other people that youdepend on entirely, and like
there's, that's a huge level oftrust.

Foxglove (57:34):
Yeah.

Iris (57:34):
Absolutely.

Sage (57:35):
Also just, getting to the point of a mind meld where you
think, Hmm, I need something,and then you turn around, and
the person has that thing intheir hands and is handing it to
you.

Foxglove (57:47):
That's a good feeling

Sage (57:49):
Isyeah.

Iris (57:50):
Yeah, no, there's just this like, this natural
extension of yourself with, withthe other people around you,
which is I think why we like,the show Sense8 so much because
it's like, the literal like,fictitious, taking that to the
logical extreme of No, what ifyou actually had like a psychic
link with these people, but itjust feels so good when you're

(58:11):
just so on the same wavelengthand so on the same page as
somebody all the time.

Foxglove (58:15):
It's the modern equivalent of like, a battle
couple. You know that trope?

Iris (58:18):
Yeah!

Sunflower (58:19):
Definitely.

Foxglove (58:20):
The shield brothers trope, that's the modern
equivalent.

Sage (58:22):
Fox, are you telling me that the ice cream store was not
a battleground? Becauselook atme, tell me

Foxglove (58:26):
That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm saying it's 100%
a battleground, that is themodern equivalent.

Sage (58:32):
Good.

Iris (58:32):
I love it.

Sunflower (58:33):
I really like, I like the, the Sense8 angle on that
too. Cuz like it really wouldcome in handy to just like, it's
just the next step of being ableto be in somebody else's body.
And you know what, it would havefucking came in handy. I could
be so tall as needed. It wouldbe so good for me.

Foxglove (58:49):
The dream.

Sage (58:51):
Just borrow me for a moment there.

Sunflower (58:53):
Yeah, and I also like, we all have our own
talents and everything and like,hell yeah, that comes in handy.
Like, oh my god yeah.

Iris (59:00):
100%! Yeah, no. And before, before we wrap up, have
we told the story Sun of how youtold me you were into Sage
before on the podcast? I'm notsure if it got covered in the
Story of Us episode.

Sage (59:11):
That's always worth telling again.

Iris (59:13):
It's a good story.

Sage (59:16):
It's really funny.

Iris (59:16):
Quick too and it's directly, directly relevant, is,
Sun walked up to me

Sunflower (59:21):
After the ice cream convention.

Iris (59:23):
Yeah.

Sunflower (59:23):
When I found out that I was in love with Sage.

Iris (59:27):
Yeah, Sun just walked up to me completely out of the blue
one day.

Sage (59:32):
Hey, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but was this not
after the car crash that I gotin?

Iris (59:37):
Yeah, this was pre

Sage (59:38):
Pre-convention

Iris (59:38):
ice cream convention.

Sunflower (59:40):
Oh it was wasn't?

Iris (59:41):
Oh yeah 100% it was.

Sunflower (59:43):
Shit OK, nevermind sorry.

Iris (59:45):
Yeah, no it's totally fine.

Sunflower (59:46):
That was definitely it yeah. So Sage got in a car
accident and calledwas I thefirst person you called? Second?

Sage (59:51):
I think it was insurance, parents, and then you.

Sunflower (59:55):
Yeah, okay. But Sage was in the hospital.

Sage (59:57):
I was fine, for the record. I might have had a mild
concussion, but that was theworst of it.

Sunflower (01:00:02):
But Sage early into all of this stuff after calling,
you know, their parents and theinsurance company, the logical
people you call after a caraccident, calls his Assistant
Manager from work. And we talkedfor an hour about like, making
sure that he was alright andthat he had his laptop and that
his laptop was okay. And like,ask me about the priorities

(01:00:22):
here. I put like, I was like,Oh, don't worry about the store.
I'll figure it out. We'llwhatever, whatever. And like, I
don't know, there was justsomething about that
conversation that really hitdifferent.

Iris (01:00:31):
Yeah. And after, this is after years of every, all of the
little kids we co-parented thatare running around running Hell
with us. Everybody always waslike, Someday, Sun and Sage,
they're gonna get married, andit's gonna be great. Everybody
shipped them very hard, but theywere like, They're perfect
together, they're the ultimatepower couple, we love them. So

(01:00:55):
for so long, everybody was likevery much so wanting that to
happen for them because theythought it would make them
happy. And all of a sudden, oneday like, we're just in the ice
cream store. We're just doingour normal shift, Sun is going
about

Sunflower (01:01:08):
We were at hippie Hell.

Iris (01:01:09):
No?

Foxglove (01:01:10):
Yeah.

Iris (01:01:10):
We were at hippie Hell! Right, at that point it

Sunflower (01:01:11):
I was doing, I was doing fruit and vegetable
inventory.

Iris (01:01:14):
Yeah, so you were doing inventory. That was the specific
part I remembered was you weredoing, you were doing inventory,
and I was just helping customersand stuff. And in a brief lull
between customers, when you cameup to do like, the fridge right
by the, the front, you justturned to me completely out of
the blue. And went, I think I'min love with Sage, and then

(01:01:36):
walked away as if you hadn'tjust shattered my entire
worldview. As if it wasn'tsomething we all had wanted for
so long, and you just like wentback to inventorying. Just like
immediately.

Sunflower (01:01:49):
Yeah, I don't really know what was like actually
going through my head at thatmoment and everything, but I
think it was like, I was reallyovercome with like, a lot of
things going on at that momentand everything too. And I was
like, This is kind of a problem.
But it's happening all of asudden. Yeah, I don't know. And
also, like, I needed to finishinventory. Gonna have a, gotta
order fruit, you know? For the

Foxglove (01:02:11):
Customer service.

Sage (01:02:12):
Gotta prioritize.

Iris (01:02:13):
Yeah. No, it was just, it was just a really funny moment,
it's a moment I go back to inour relationship a lot, of just
this moment of like, I was oftenlike a person you really came
to, even before we starteddating, and like, we've always
been, like, really closeconfidants of each other. But it
was just, it was such a, it wassuch a good moment of you just

(01:02:34):
like, walking up dropping a hugerevelation and just walking back
and doing inventory.

Sunflower (01:02:39):
That's how I like to do emotional conversations.

Sage (01:02:42):
Drive-by?

Sunflower (01:02:43):
Minimal eye contact, don't have to look at the person
for too long, and then I leave.
Can we take a poll? Do we thinkwe actually answered this
question?

Foxglove (01:02:53):
We have no idea.
Okay. Well, Nani, hit us up,tell us if we answered this
question, please.

Iris (01:03:01):
We tried our best. We did give our anniversary it's
November 9th.

Foxglove (01:03:04):
We were very cute while we didn't answer this
question.

Sunflower (01:03:08):
Honestly that's what's important, right?

Sage (01:03:09):
I mean, I think

Foxglove (01:03:10):
Yeah, we were adorable.

Sage (01:03:11):
I feel like we did answer this though. Because we respond
to ice cream and customerservice like it's mood lighting
and romantic music because thisis how we all bonded. This is
how we all met.

Foxglove (01:03:21):
It's also because it's a trial by fire.

Sage (01:03:23):
And yeah, that. And that.

Sunflower (01:03:26):
And we're a team, and that relateshonestly, be a
team. In your relationship, be agoddamn team. I can't tell you
how many times that has come inhandy with literally everything.
Trying to move, making dinner,fighting, like every time you
have disagreements andeverything like, it always comes
back to it that we're, we're ateam. We're always on the same

(01:03:47):
side. And we're always workingtowards a common goal. And like,
it really does. It helps frameeverything. We're really into
our relationship, if you can'ttell yet.

Foxglove (01:03:55):
We just like each other

Sunflower (01:03:56):
We love talking about it! And if you want to know more
things, you should ask us!

Foxglove (01:04:00):
Absolutely!

Sunflower (01:04:01):
Yeah. Let us know.

Sage (01:04:02):
Give us a whole pile of questions.

Iris (01:04:04):
Yeah, we hope you've enjoyed this like, I hope this
was a good format, I know wenormally, this is like kind of a
changeup from our normal thingbut um, we wanted to

Foxglove (01:04:11):
These won't be too common, probably.

Iris (01:04:13):
No, we'll probably try to, whenever we have a huge backlog
of questions we don't want totake forever. Yeah well I mean
we'll see how many questions weget on a normal basis.

Sunflower (01:04:20):
I mean also, like, if y'all really like this, then
we'll do it.

Iris (01:04:23):
We want to do it more.
Yeah. So like, let us know whatyou think about whether or not
we should do all questionepisodes. Every once in a while.
If you'd like that.

Sunflower (01:04:31):
Yeah. Leave us a comment on a podcast listening
app. That would be awesome.
Super cool.

Foxglove (01:04:37):
Yeah.

Iris (01:04:38):
Or shoot us an email.

Sunflower (01:04:39):
Or shoot us an email, either way.

Foxglove (01:04:40):
On that subject, do we want to do the outro which has
all of our contact options?

Iris (01:04:45):
Yes.

Sunflower (01:04:46):
Here's how you can let us know if you liked things.
All right, that's been us, theQuaple. As always a big
thank-you to Molly ofgeographyfor the use of her song Hanahaki
(Bloom) for our music. Come findus on Twitter or Instagram at
atwr_podcast, on Tumblr atquaple-network, or even by ema
l at [e-mail]. Tos us a question or an advice top

(01:05:09):
c, we love hearing from you. Andof course, go ahead and check
ut our Patreon at atwrpodcast ifyou want to tip Fox for their am
zing editing work. If you loe our podcast, please share wi
h your friends and leave a coment wherever you listen. And as
always remember, we believe inyou

Quaple Network (01:05:23):
Bye!