August 24, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode we are joined by Angela's sister, Sheree, who played a major role in caring for Angela and supporting the Brightmore family. We look at the comprehensive and holistic care that Hospice provided, and the challenges they faced in navigating the unfamiliar territory of the healthcare system. And we hear about some of the treasured moments and laughter that Aron and Sheree shared with Angela during these difficult days.
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:04):
On October 17, 2023 the bright more family's world was
turned upside down when at theage of just 44 a tumor was found
in Angela's brain. One monthlater, they were introduced to
the world that is hospice. Thisis Angela's story, walking the
final path together, a hospiceWest Auckland podcast. Hello and
(00:28):
welcome to episode five ofAngela's story, walking the
final path together. Today, weare going to talk about the neck
of care that was weaved aroundAngela and the bright more
family and Aaron. We've got aspecial guest with us today,
don't we?
Yes, we do, joining us remotelyfrom sunny Rua Kaka, I'm gonna,
(00:49):
I'm gonna guess is my sister inlaw, and Angela's sister Cherie,
who was, it was a very, very bigpart of of that care for Angela.
So yeah, this is a great episodeto have a chat to Cherie.
Absolutelywelcome Sharon. I'm Cherie
Angela's older sister,older sister. So I asked Aaron
(01:11):
in one of the first episodes whoAngela was and what she was like
as a wife. And I'm keen to startthis episode off hearing from
you who, who Angela was, foryou, what she was like as a
sister.
Um, Angela and I have alwaysbeen super, super close. Um,
(01:34):
there's only two years, ninemonths between us. So although
we were we were very differentgrowing up, Angela was always a
really girly girl, and I wasvery much a tomboy. Um, we
always got on. But as we gotolder, we just grew closer and
closer and and she wasn't justmy sister, she was my best
(01:57):
friend, my confident. You know,I told Angela everything. I
looked to her for advice, andvice versa. You know, we Angela
was there for both my children'sbirths, which was super, super
special. No, we'd been through alot together, but Angela was
(02:18):
always, although she's younger.
She was always a very wiseperson, so I always call her my
younger but wiser sister. Shealways had great advice. You
could always bounce ideas offher, and she had the funniest
sense of humor. We would oftenlaugh about the silliest of
things that most people probablywouldn't laugh about, but we
(02:42):
thought were hilarious. We wouldtalk on the phone at least twice
a week, sometimes more, if shewas driving home from work and
needed to debrief. Yeah. And ofcourse, we, you know, we went
through the the death of our mumtogether, so I think that
brought us even closer together.
(03:07):
And then when I had my children,you know, she had already had
Jamie, so she was a wealth ofknowledge and expertise, and,
yeah, yeah, she's justeverything to me. I miss her
terribly.
Just on your, on the on thesense of humor. Sherry like,
that's something that sticks outfor me about about you guys, and
(03:29):
it takes, it takes a lot to getused to a like and now, like,
the stuff that even you and Italk about now is the same kind
of stuff that you and Angelawould talk about. But like,
outside of, outside of ourlittle group, you couldn't, you
couldn't have thoseconversations a socially
accepted 100% Yeah, and you'reoften, as Aaron sway were the
(03:52):
type of the girls that, youknow, we thought farts were
funny, and let's find humor andOther people's mishaps
like all sisters do, hey,Exactly, yep. And you're up in
ruaka, so sunny Northland, yes,so at physical distance between
the two of you, but sounds likeemotionally and your connection
(04:14):
to each other was a very specialconnection, which is resounding
throughout the people we'retalking to Angela, had some
incredible connections with herfamily and friends.
Yeah, I think that was just thatwas Angela, you know, she was
loved by everybody she met. Shejust had that personality that
people were drawn to, and shemade the same effort with
(04:38):
everybody. You know, I could bequite slack at returning phone
calls or making calls, but, youknow, I could always guarantee
that Andrew would ring me for achat, and you know, we'd talk
for ages. And you know, eventhough we you know, there was a
bit of a distance, locationwise, between us. You know, we
always knew what was going on ineach other's lives. Yes, and we
(05:01):
and Andrew would always come uphere for her holidays. Around
Christmas time, she'd come upwith the girls, and we get to
spend time together then andmake loads of memories, which
was always nice, beautiful.
That's where the proposalhappened as
well. Is where the proposalhappened, the not so secret
proposal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'sgood times.
(05:23):
So we've talked in the previousepisodes around introduction to
hospice. We've talked withCharlie about the nursing care
and Angela's introduction tothat, the care planning and
those sorts of things. Yeah, afew things were also happening
as as Angela's illnessprogressed and she started to
(05:45):
need a lot more care and supportfor you too. What, what were
your roles in that? And how, youknow, how did you share support
your sister and Aaron goingthrough this while also
maintaining your relationships?
So I think it was, you know,like we've discussed earlier,
like, how, how quickly thingskind of progressed and and like,
(06:11):
and I've said it a couple oftimes, like, for me, like
looking at, you know, it was, itwas a three month period, but
for me, it felt like a lotlonger, and because I was in it,
you know, every day. And so, youknow, you didn't notice changes
and stuff like that as much asas, say, like Cherie would. And
(06:31):
so I think, and me being who Iam, I did a lot of the initial
stuff was, I just did a lot ofthat by myself. And it kind of
wasn't until it got to a pointwhere it was like, actually, I
can't do this by myself. And andobviously she kind of being, you
(06:51):
know, two hours away and, youknow, and working and having her
family commitments wasn't ableto be there all all the time in
that an initial period, but, butalso because we weren't
expecting it to progress like itdid, you know. So, so everything
was kind of like, well, youknow, like we were just kind of
(07:11):
flying blind because you, you'regiven a prognosis, so you kind
of, rightly or wrongly, you kindof work to that prognosis, you
know. And the initial one forAngela was anywhere from 18
months to, kind of three years.
She kind of working with that inmind. So, you know, for me, I
didn't feel the need to be like,hey, Cherie, you need to, you
(07:31):
need to come and help me. Likethis is, you know, it didn't
kind of get to that point, Ithink until kind of Cherie, you
know, would come down to visit,yeah, and then it was like, Oh,
actually, this situation is alot more serious than than what
I could see because I was in itso, so having Cherie kind of
(07:52):
come in from the outside, youknow, for lack of a better term,
and Go, like, actually, guys,this is, this is not great.
Things have changed. Things havechanged because, you know, like,
Cheri would go, you know, a weekor two without, you know,
without seeing Angela. And, youknow, they would talk all the
(08:13):
time, but, but actually seeingher and being involved in it,
you know, so then when she wouldcome down, she'd be like, no,
no, this isn't, this isn't good.
And then, you know, we kind ofgot to a time where we're
thankfully, Cherie just waslike, I'm here, you know, and we
(08:34):
got to do this. So, you know,because otherwise I was, I was
kind of doing it by myself,thinking that everything you
know was kind of this extendedtime period that it wasn't. So,
yeah, it's,I can imagine prognosis is quite
tricky, because, like you said,you you automatically, then
think you've got this timeperiod. And so if you were
(08:54):
living and that you're you'recounting for that, Sherry, what
was it like from yourperspective, obviously, coming
down and then seeing the changeseach time you came.
You know, everything seemed tohappen quite quickly. I
struggled because I was so faraway and you know, I was still
(09:16):
having to work at that stagebecause the school term hadn't
ended. And, you know, fromAaron's point of view, no, he's
in it every day, but I wouldstart to see these things
happen. You know, for instance,when Ange had a slow fall in the
shower, that happened while Iwas at work. And so there's lots
of to and throw. All I couldfeel is that, you know, I just
(09:39):
wanted to be there, but I justphysically couldn't be there at
that stage, apart from theweekends. And then my term for
school ended on the 23rd ofDecember, and that's when I came
down. But by that stage, yeah,things were progressing quite
quickly, and each time I sawAnne. I could see, you know, a
(10:01):
little more change, probably, Idon't know mum, more so than
Aaron, I guess, because he sawher every single day. So, you
know, each little time I wouldjust notice a bit more about it,
about her, and what she wasgoing through. And so once I
finally got down there, it was,it was great, and it was a great
(10:21):
feeling to finally be ablethere, to be there, to be a
support for Aaron and Angela,yeah. And it just meant that I
could forget about work and justput all my effort into being
there with Ange. Unfortunately,though, I was only down there
for a few days, and then mywhole family ended up with
covid. Oh, no. So then we hadhead all head back up to Rua
(10:43):
kaka and isolate for five days.
Because obviously, you know,Angela was doing chemo, so we
didn't want her getting sick. Soas soon as I'd isolated, it was
back down and back into itagain.
A lot of traveling as well, youknow, a lot of coordinating,
like you've said, as well, thecoordinating your family, your
work, yeah, I can imagine therewould have been a desperation,
(11:06):
or a desperate want to be therewith her as well. Yeah,
yeah. And I think back to, like,you know, we've talked about
the, you know, October the 17th,and and Angela and I getting the
news. I had to then relay thatnews to Cherie, but keeping in
(11:27):
mind that Cherie was two hoursaway and, you know, like, what
do I tell her? So that this twohour drive to come and be with
Angela isn't torturous, you knowwhat I mean? And so, yeah, and I
imagine that that's what it waslike, you know, every time you
had to go back, you know, as asthinking, You know what, what's
(11:47):
going to happen in the, youknow, in the, in the time that
I'm away, kind of thing, so,yeah. And also to anticipating,
like, your phone calls, what'shappening now, know what's
what's happened to Ange, youknow what? Where are we? Where
do we go from here, all thosethoughts you know you have going
through your head, but you justcan't physically be there. Yeah,
it was, it was really tough.
(12:11):
Yeah, absolutely. And it speaksto me the fact that Angela's
diagnosis and her illness wasn'tjust impacting Angela or her
direct family, you know, there'sthat network of a family around
her. Friends, I remember, werewere quite impacted, and all
(12:31):
starting to try and rally andoffer you support as much as
possible.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like ahouse, you know, from from,
pretty much from October 17, ourhouse was never empty, you know,
there was constantly peoplethere and, you know, and it
also, like, there was that wholeperiod just people were just
(12:53):
dropping everything, you know,like all of a sudden, like, work
didn't matter to people, youknow, like they just wanted to
come and they wanted to come andbe with Angela, and they, and
they wanted to help and in, inwhatever way they could, which,
which was amazing. It's quiteoverwhelming, you know, as well.
(13:17):
And you know, and especiallylike with the, you know, with
the hospice staff and and allthe different arms that kind of
come off, the support for Angelathat you know, that that kind of
became quite overwhelming asmore and more, not just family
and friends kind of tried tohelp, but all the other agencies
(13:39):
you know tried to Help Us, youknow, and wanted to help as
well. And that became, you know,that became quite like, almost
like, a full time job, you know,where, and that's why, when,
when Cherie came down, it waslike, almost like, Well, I'm
gonna, today, I'm gonna, kind ofmanage the admin side of this.
And Cherie, I need you to, Ineed you to look after Angela.
(14:01):
I'll take the phone calls andall that kind of stuff. You make
sure that she's okay, kind ofthing. So, yeah, it really was
like we, we just became like areally solid little team just to
kind of get things done,work of care that was starting
to weave around your family,around Angela family, coming
(14:22):
into support and agencies anddifferent services coming in.
Where did hospice come intoeverything?
Yeah, so, like we, we talkedabout a few episodes ago with
with Charlie, like, once we kindof got over the initial like,
why do we need hospice kind offeeling, and we're dealing with
(14:46):
this prognosis that is, youknow, kind of 18 months to three
years, you don't you don't knowwhat. You don't know, right? So,
so we didn't know that we neededshower seats. We didn't know.
Know that we needed stuff tojust get Angela to the bathroom
and things like that and, and sothat's where so hospice
(15:09):
organized, especially in thatinitial phase, hospice organized
all of that, like, really,really quickly, like, you know,
to kind of match how thisprogression was happening, yeah?
And so, you know, because we'rekind of still getting used to
this and getting our headsaround it, like, Well, why does
she need that? Why does she needthat? And then it's like, you
(15:31):
know, a day later, it's like,oh, that's why she needs that,
you know. And actually, thatmakes things a lot, a lot easier
for us.
And then a day or two afterthat, she's maybe needing
something else,yeah, and so we, we, all of a
sudden, we needed a wheelchair.
You know, we had to get her toand from the car to take her to
radiation. And, you know, and wecouldn't, she couldn't walk, and
(15:56):
so we didn't know how to get awheelchair or anything. And so,
so thankfully, we had a friendthat just rang me one day and
was like, I've got yourwheelchair. I'm I'm bringing it
over, which was amazing, right?
And we, and we probably usedthat wheelchair for about two
weeks before, actually, thatwheelchair wasn't suitable
anymore, and so it was back tohospice. Hey guys, what? Do we
(16:18):
do, you know? And so, you know.
And then, and then hospice putus in touch with, you know, an
occupational therapist who says,Okay, well, we can, you know, we
can get you this wheelchair, or,you know, all this other
equipment that all of a suddenbecomes part of our everyday
life, yeah, you know.
(16:40):
And we we have a so we had anoccupational therapist and a
physio within hospice that cameout and saw you and assessed
Angela. But there was also thatnavigation between our team
being able to navigate andcommunicate with the health
board and getting the communityservices tapped in as well. Hey,
(17:02):
yeah.
And, and, like I said, before,like, we kind of became this,
this team where I had to dealwith the admin side of what was
going on. So, like, remember,Sheree, my phone would didn't
stop ringing. Oh, you'reconstantly ringing. And, and you
had, like, to the point where Ihad to also divert Angela's
phone. I had to divert it to myphone because all of these
(17:25):
services were kind of ringingAngela, you know, it's like,
okay, well, we need to redirectthat kind of thing. And so,
yeah, we, like I said, we becamethis kind of team where admin
was kind of my responsibility,and going and getting
medications and and all of thatkind of stuff. And Cheri, you
hold the fort here and make surethat you know that she's okay,
(17:50):
you know. And as that kind ofprogressed as well, like, even
just like getting medication, Iwould get a phone call from from
hospice in the morning beinglike, Okay, what medication does
it? Does she need today? We'regonna go and get it and we'll
bring it to you. Yeah, you know,like, which doesn't sound like a
big deal, but when you're tryingto organize all of this stuff
(18:14):
and, and, and keeping in mindthat there's still children that
are still going to school and,you know, all of that life stuff
is still happening. To have justthose things where it's like,
Hey, you don't need to go and dothat. We're going to come and
bring that. We're going to bringthat to you as, yeah, as
(18:35):
massive, especially, you know,especially for
me, there's that quality of lifeaspect as well. Like you said,
you know, life is going on atthis point, and there's also,
while you're trying and workingto care for her and make sure
that Angela's needs are met,you're also her husband, her
(18:55):
sister, wanting to probablyspend some quality time with
your loved one as well, andbalancing that carer role from
that family member role as well,must have been quite a challenge
for you.
Think it was. It was achallenge, wasn't it, Aaron. But
I think Aaron and I kind ofbecame a well oiled machine,
(19:19):
didn't we? Aaron, yeah, like, wekind of just got to the point
where we just knew what theother person was thinking. I
would arrive in the morning, andwe would just get into mode, and
we would get all the, you know,the caring things for Ange, I
would go and get the bath stuffready, and then we'd work
together and, you know, get itall ready for the day, and then
(19:43):
once we kind of got all thatstuff, then we could kind of
have our time, couldn't we,Aaron, just to be with Ange. But
keeping in mind that, you know,there were, she has loads and
loads of friends. So like Aaronsaid before, during the day,
there's loads of people poppingin to see her. As well. So just
navigating all the visitors, thecaring, making sure we're
(20:05):
spending time saying the thingswe need to say,
all those things,and yeah, and a big part of
that, like, like Sherry said, webecame a well oiled machine. But
the only reason we became a welloiled machine was because,
because hospice, the hospicestaff, the various people that
came in, you know, coming in andshowing us how to get in and out
(20:28):
of bed properly, you know, like,you know, here's a slide sheet.
Well, two months ago, what thehell was a slide sheet? You
know, I don't know what that is,let alone know how to use one.
You know how to access one, orhow to access one? Yeah,
exactly. And I remember thefirst time that, when we first
got it and, and at the stage,Angela wasn't, she wasn't in a
(20:50):
hospital bed. She was, you know,she, she, we, we could get her
in and out of bed and, and shewas a bit more mobile. And we,
the healthcare assistant fromhospice, came out and showed us
how to how to do it, and we hadthis big demonstration of, like,
easy. We got this, got it. Thenext day, we tried to use it,
(21:12):
and we were just like, thisisn't for us. We just lift her
out and and we did that. We didthat for ages, a sherry, and we
had to get, we had to get aneeded to come back and and show
us, show us again, how to useit. Because we had no idea. We
had no idea. And especially, andaround the showering. And I
(21:36):
think, I think you probablyagree, Sherry like this, the
showering thing was, was like,yes, it was a, it was a
practical thing. She obviouslyneeded to shower and stuff every
day, sometimes two or threetimes a day. And you know what?
While it was hard, those were,those were some really special
times for us. You know, Iremember, you know, I would, I
(21:58):
would take her to the to the tothe toilet, and she would sit
down on the stool, and I, youknow, wheel it back, and all of
that kind of stuff. And thenwhen I would lift her up, every
time I would lift her up, shewould put you, put her arms
around you, and she'd give you akiss on the cheek. And you were
just like, this is like, andI've said this to Cheri loads of
times, like it was, you know,that three months was the most
(22:20):
awful three months of our lives,but also some of the best
moments of our lives. You know,we got to have these, these
little, you know, these littlemoments. And so we kind of held
on to those things, probably fora little bit longer than we
should have, you know,especially when it came to
showering and stuff, and then Ican't, can you remember who it
(22:42):
was she that came in and waslike, actually, guys, you, you
can't keep doing this. Was thatAnita? Yeah,
yeah, in Anita. And I doremember from that day on,
because I kind of that last timewe went to shower, and I kind of
got the feeling just by her eyecontact and her body movements
(23:06):
that she just didn't want to doit. Yeah. And so Aaron and I
left it that day like, okay,come on, let's just get you back
into bed. And so we did. Andthen I think maybe we mentioned
that to Anita the next day, andshe said, Well, she shouldn't be
getting up for the shower. Now,anyway, she needs to be resting
as much as she can. We're goingto start bed baths. And Anita
(23:31):
was just absolutely amazing,like, that's one of the services
I remember. She was just Angelagot to the stage like with
anyone from hospice came in acarer or, you know, another
service person, you could justsee Ange start to relax, like
(23:52):
she just knew that she was ingood care.
That's probably because she waslike, thank all the
professionals are here, andthese guys
and we love, you know, we loveAnge, and we want you know we
did our absolute best to doeverything for her and make sure
we were doing everything right.
But, and I think she did put alot of trust in us, didn't she?
(24:15):
Aaron, she was very happy withthe way we cared for her, but
you could just tell when theycame in, she just had this ease
about her. The whole room justwent calm. And I think, like
Angela herself, was calm, but Ithink it gave Aaron and I a bit
of peace of mind as well, justknowing that she was getting the
(24:37):
nurture and, you know, thecaring from someone and they
and, you know, Anita was just sogentle and respectful, you know,
look, you know, did everythingslowly, talked to Ange, the
whole process. It was just, itwas really lovely to see, and
lovely that she, you know, shereally took the time to teach
(24:57):
us. Know how to do it, step bystep, worked with us so that we
knew how to do it. And that wasafter that that we kind of
became the well oiled machine,because of the the time that she
took to show us how to doeverything properly. And, you
know, use the slide sheet again,properly, and you know how how
to take, you know, Angela'snightwear off, you know, keeping
(25:22):
her comfortable and, you know,and getting her dressed and all
those things like, yeah, so muchdetail, but it was so helpful,
because it's easy forus to forget as well. It's
something you know, Anita or usin the workplace will do
regularly. So it's it's known tous how to use a sliding sheet,
(25:46):
if that's what we're trying todo, yeah, but we forget
sometimes that it's a brand newforeign thing for Fano and then
families Yeah, to suddenly tryto figure out to use Yeah, aside
from managing Angela's cares andher physical and her medical
needs, there was a bit of touchfrom the social care team as
(26:08):
well. So I think we had somecounsel, some of our counseling
team checking in with you guysalong the way.
Yeah, and it's, and it was, wasreally, like, unintrusive, I
guess is the word. It was just,you know, it was very, it was
very light. It was very, youknow, softly, like, Hey, we're
(26:29):
kind of here, if you, you know,we're here if you need us, kind
of, kind of situation. And itwasn't just me. It was, you
know, it was the kids, and itwas and it was Angela, and it
was Cherie, and, you know, theit didn't matter who it was, if
someone involved needed us, youknow, needed to talk to someone.
But it wasn't, you know, like Isaid, it was just, it was kind
(26:51):
of subtle, you know, and it waslike, you know, just Yes, we're
here if you need us. So yeah,and Angela received some message
from our massage therapists,so she So Angela is a massive
fan of of massages and back rubsand light and so they kind of
didn't come until, till, kind ofquite close to the to the end
(27:17):
and and, and I remember saying,Oh, they the massage therapist
is is coming to see you. And youjust, I can picture a face in my
in my head, Sherry, that facewhere she'd raise her eyebrows
and make a little smile, and,and you just knew she was like,
oh man. You could tell that shewas like, there's gonna be so
(27:39):
much better than the crap onesthat you try and give me. And
the massage therapist came inand she just loved that. I like,
just like Cherie said she justrelaxed. But like, even more so
you're like, Oh, she's really,really loving it. And I think
the one that that sticks out ofmy mind the most is the one. And
(28:00):
I think it might have been maybetwo or three days before she
passed away. And, you know, weweren't getting a lot of
response by this stage. She, youknow, there wasn't a lot of
talking or anything like that.
And we, I think Charlie said, Doyou want me to organize for the
(28:20):
for the massage therapist tocome. And we were like, yeah,
like, she loved, she will, shewill love it. And, and, like I
said, even though she wasn't itkind of, you know, there wasn't
a lot of talking that, you know,it was just very almost like she
was asleep all the time she hadthat massage. And you could see
again that she was just like,Yeah, this is, this is really
(28:41):
good stuff, you know. And youknow, she'd been, you know, by
that stage, she was in bed likeall the time, you know, she
couldn't move we, we couldn'tmove her. So you think about, if
you spend all that time in bed,how, you know, you think it's a
great idea at first, but then,you know, when you're not moving
or anything, how awful that musthave been that Yeah, to just
(29:03):
have that was just such a relieffor it. You could just, you
could see it on her face, yeah,yeah.
And just so respectful andgentle. And I just love the way
that, you know, it was almostlike it was just her and Ange in
the room. You know, no one elsemattered for that time, it was
all about Ange and and she justsoftly spoke to her and told her
(29:26):
what she was doing. And Yeah,and like, I know on that
particular last time, she hadworked quite a lot around
Angela's neck and shoulder,because it was quite tight from
the way she was sitting. Andyeah, afterwards, like Angela
just looked so much morerelaxed, like she couldn't tell
(29:46):
us verbally, but you couldcertainly see it in her face and
her body language, yeah.
And so important for me in myrole in the areas that I'm
interested in is that holisticcare, yeah? And. I don't think
many people when they think ofhospice, it's another one of
those misconceptions where weknow a lot about the medical,
(30:08):
the nursing care, but we don'toften know about that whole wrap
around holistic supports. Wereyou guys aware of that when,
when Angela was first admitted?
No, like, like, not at all. AndI said the very beginning, like,
you don't know what you don'tknow, right? And, and, you know,
while it was overwhelming, like,initially it was like, What do
(30:32):
you mean? We just get all ofthis. Do you know what I mean?
Like, and it just kind of blewme away. So we're going to
organize a massage therapist foryou, and we're going to have
someone come and do this foryou, and we're going to any
like, Okay, well, what do wehave to do for that? Like,
nothing. Like, you mean,nothing, yeah, and you know,
(30:52):
it's still, you know, and that'skind of why we, you know, was
said in the in the firstepisode, like this is kind of
why we're here, a little bit is,you know, to make people aware.
You know that that of all thegreat work that you know that
hospice do, because, again, likejust so many people just don't
(31:12):
know. And the sad thing is,there'll be people out there
that are that are going throughwhat we've been through, and
don't know, and are trying to dothis by themselves, you know,
and and for, and I was going tosay for a long time, but it
wasn't that long at all. Feltlike a long time, but for a long
(31:33):
time, that's how, that's kind ofhow I felt, you know? It was
like, Well, I've got to, I'vegot to do this by myself. I have
to look after her and stuff likethat. And to have that kind of
relief, you know what I mean, tojust come in and be like,
actually, you don't have to dothis by yourself. Here's all of
the things that we can do tohelp and then to actually do
(31:56):
them without me having to chase,you know, and ring people and be
like, Hey, we're meant to havethis, and we're meant to have
this andand also on your terms as well,
right? Because it's often wehave so many different services
available that will work fordifferent people. And like you
said, with the counselor,they're touching base to check
(32:16):
in, and that's so that you knowas and when you need them,
they're there. Becauseeverybody's grief journey is
different, right? But the keything is always putting it back
till it's on, on your terms,what you need, when you need how
you need it, yeah, is how we tryto work in and support you,
(32:37):
yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
And I think for me personally,you know, I, I knew that hospice
wasn't just about end of life,you know, I'd, we'd had hospice
in when Mum was sick, you know,and we'd had all the help with
all the, you know, all thefurniture that she needed and
and that sort of thing. But, youknow, even having been through
(33:00):
that with mum. And, you know,the the nurses and everyone were
wonderful with mum, but I stillwasn't aware of all the other
services, like the, you know,the physiotherapy and the
massage. And so I think itreally is important to to, you
know, get out that those thingsare available. Yeah, and you
(33:21):
know, I'm, I'm so deeplygrateful, you know, for them
treating Ange with all thetenderness and respect. And you
know it just means the world tous that you know she was cared
with, you know, such love andyou know dignity was in you
know, kept in check, which wasreally important to us too,
(33:41):
and working in to support youguys with what you were doing,
because we forget how muchfamily support and how much they
do in situations likethis, yeah, and I think like,
and I look back at it now, andyou know, it's some time to kind
of reflect on things I would dodifferently. And I think for me,
you know, I would, I know that Ididn't have to do everything by
(34:09):
myself or not, not so much bymyself, but I didn't have to do
everything you know, but becauseyou know, because, like, sure
you see dignity. Was a really,really and dignity and privacy
was a really, really big thingfor Angela, you know. So so that
obviously was important to me,and so I kind of like almost put
a shield around her, you know.
(34:33):
And it took a lot to, you know,to kind of break that down. But,
you know, we were talking beforeabout spending time with her and
things like that. I think for mepersonally, I could have relied
on those services more than Imore than I did, to have more
time with her and and probably,probably make things easier for
(34:56):
her as well. You know?
Yeah. I think Hindsight is oneof those things as well, when
you're thinking maybe with theprognosis and how that's
changing as well. Yeah, youdon't know at the time what you
need until, until you have otherpeople come in and and, and let
you know what's going on,right? Yeah, yeah. And I think
we, Sherry and I were actuallytalking about this a week or two
(35:21):
ago, and Angela's big thing wasthat she didn't want us to see
her suffer. You know, obviouslyshe had already been through
with with the girl's mum passingaway, and that, you know, that
had been quite traumatic. And soAngela was always like, I don't,
(35:42):
I don't want you guys to see mesuffer. You know, the fact that
she that, that she kept goingfor as long as she as long as
she did. And I said to Sri theother day, I said that, I think
that was her way of saying thankyou to us for looking after her,
you know, and in the way that wein the way that we did, and you
(36:06):
know, and that that means theworld to us. And you know,
without sounding like we'repatting everyone on the back too
much like we could only do thatstuff, we could only look after
her in the way that we didbecause of the support that we
had, like, and it's and it's notan understatement at all. Like,
(36:27):
without that, without thesupport and stuff that hospice
gave us, Angela wouldn't havebeen at home, you know, she
would have been in a hospital.
We wouldn't have got to spendall of the time that we, that we
did with her, we wouldn't havebeen able to get those special
moments that, you know, that wegot, because we just got to a
(36:50):
point where we couldn't havekept going by ourselves and
without hospice. That's, that'swhat would have happened, you
know, and yeah, and so we just,we just can't think hospice
enough. Yeah,they say it takes a village, and
it's always, it's, it's, it'smore than one person you know.
So it's, it's good to hear howmuch support you guys were able
(37:14):
to to weave into to caring forAngela at this crucial moment in
her life, and supporting herwith maintaining her dignity,
her quality of life, andcherishing those very special
moments, the kiss on the cheeks.
I'm imagining that there wasstill lots of laughter and humor
(37:36):
and sisterly jokes going on aswell.
Oh, wow, Cherie, do you therewas, there was lots of emotions.
I can tell you. There were happytimes, there were sad times,
there were very funny times.
Do we? Cherie, do you want toshare your funny story? Well,
you can start it so. So in oneof these moments, we were
(38:01):
getting, you know, we weregetting to the point where we
couldn't, you know, it was kindof, maybe, maybe we couldn't
take her to the shower and stuffanymore. But we were
fine. We tried to shower her,yeah, yeah.
And so, so we've, we've wheeled,we've wheeled her into the
bathroom. And our bathroom is,very, very narrow, so not ideal
(38:23):
for the situation that we're in.
So we're trying to kind ofmaneuver her in, into the
bathroom, and then we've kind ofgot to lift her up and then spin
her round onto this was a whole,was like a was like a Formula
One pit crew. It was like a poorFormula One pit crew. But
yeah, Aaron would be in theshower. I'd be half in the
shower. So it was, it was a, itwas a big deal. Yeah, stay in
(38:49):
time this time. I said, Well,before we put her in the shower,
let's just on the while she's onthe commode, I'll just get some
nice warm soapy water, and I'llgive her a little wash while
she's sitting there, you know,because it's very hard once
you're in the shower,which we did.
And bless Angela, she's she'salways had loads of trouble with
(39:11):
her bowels, poor girl. But thistime, I guess the warm water was
soothing.
You carry on. Aaron,so Angela had we had her in the
on the toilet late. Do you needto go toilet? No, I'm okay.
Okay, so we wheel her away fromwe're gonna book her in the
shower. Cherie goes to lift her,and she looks down, and Angela's
(39:33):
done a little poo, and it'splanted on antidote. And we're
just at the point we just lookat each other. The three of us
all just look at each other. AndAngela kind of got this look on
her face like, Well, what do youwant me to do? Like, there's
nothing I can do and share. Islike, Oh, well, it's okay, yep.
(39:55):
No, we'll carry on and click.
You know. And by this stage, I'mlike, run out of the bathroom.
And it was like, you know, likeany other time you'd be like,
this disgusting. But it was justlike, of course, this is what's
happened. And I just the look onAngela's face of, like,
(40:17):
whatever. Like, what do you wantme to do? And Cherie just being
like, Oh, well, doesn't matter.
Just Yes. Just, so good. Like Isaid, like we just, it sounds
random to call it a specialmoment issue, but like, we
still, you know, we'd still talkabout it now
and then after that, Aaron wason the phone with the doctors,
(40:41):
and I was kind of had a towelaround Ange, and I was just kind
of, you know, we're waiting forAaron to come back so we could
pop her in the shower. And thisis after we kind of cleaned up a
bit. And then Andrew was sittingon the chair, and I had the
towel around her, and I was justkind of standing over her with
my hands on her shoulders, andshe just kind of nuzzled into me
and looked up at me. I was likean unspoken thanks. This was
(41:08):
very Yeah, was it was a veryfunny moment, and yeah, one that
we'll probably talk about forAngela's legacy lives on. Yeah,
yeah, she would be laughing.
She's laughing now, I'm sure ofit.
Well, thank you so much, sharae,for coming and joining Aaron and
(41:29):
I and sharing your stories andyour your beautiful relationship
that you had with your sister.
Oh, thank you for having me.
We'll wrapit up there. Join us next week
as we talk about Angela'srapidly changing condition and
what came next. Thanks forjoining us.
On October 17, 2023 the bright more family's world was
turned upside down when at theage of just 44 a tumor was found
in Angela's brain. One monthlater, they were introduced to
the world that is hospice. Thisis Angela's story, walking the
final path together, a hospiceWest Auckland podcast. Hello and
(00:28):
welcome to episode five ofAngela's story, walking the
final path together. Today, weare going to talk about the neck
of care that was weaved aroundAngela and the bright more
family and Aaron. We've got aspecial guest with us today,
don't we?
Yes, we do, joining us remotelyfrom sunny Rua Kaka, I'm gonna,
(00:49):
I'm gonna guess is my sister inlaw, and Angela's sister Cherie,
who was, it was a very, very bigpart of of that care for Angela.
So yeah, this is a great episodeto have a chat to Cherie.
Absolutelywelcome Sharon. I'm Cherie
Angela's older sister,older sister. So I asked Aaron
(01:11):
in one of the first episodes whoAngela was and what she was like
as a wife. And I'm keen to startthis episode off hearing from
you who, who Angela was, foryou, what she was like as a
sister.
Um, Angela and I have alwaysbeen super, super close. Um,
(01:34):
there's only two years, ninemonths between us. So although
we were we were very differentgrowing up, Angela was always a
really girly girl, and I wasvery much a tomboy. Um, we
always got on. But as we gotolder, we just grew closer and
closer and and she wasn't justmy sister, she was my best
(01:57):
friend, my confident. You know,I told Angela everything. I
looked to her for advice, andvice versa. You know, we Angela
was there for both my children'sbirths, which was super, super
special. No, we'd been through alot together, but Angela was
(02:18):
always, although she's younger.
She was always a very wiseperson, so I always call her my
younger but wiser sister. Shealways had great advice. You
could always bounce ideas offher, and she had the funniest
sense of humor. We would oftenlaugh about the silliest of
things that most people probablywouldn't laugh about, but we
(02:42):
thought were hilarious. We wouldtalk on the phone at least twice
a week, sometimes more, if shewas driving home from work and
needed to debrief. Yeah. And ofcourse, we, you know, we went
through the the death of our mumtogether, so I think that
brought us even closer together.
(03:07):
And then when I had my children,you know, she had already had
Jamie, so she was a wealth ofknowledge and expertise, and,
yeah, yeah, she's justeverything to me. I miss her
terribly.
Just on your, on the on thesense of humor. Sherry like,
that's something that sticks outfor me about about you guys, and
(03:29):
it takes, it takes a lot to getused to a like and now, like,
the stuff that even you and Italk about now is the same kind
of stuff that you and Angelawould talk about. But like,
outside of, outside of ourlittle group, you couldn't, you
couldn't have thoseconversations a socially
accepted 100% Yeah, and you'reoften, as Aaron sway were the
(03:52):
type of the girls that, youknow, we thought farts were
funny, and let's find humor andOther people's mishaps
like all sisters do, hey,Exactly, yep. And you're up in
ruaka, so sunny Northland, yes,so at physical distance between
the two of you, but sounds likeemotionally and your connection
(04:14):
to each other was a very specialconnection, which is resounding
throughout the people we'retalking to Angela, had some
incredible connections with herfamily and friends.
Yeah, I think that was just thatwas Angela, you know, she was
loved by everybody she met. Shejust had that personality that
people were drawn to, and shemade the same effort with
(04:38):
everybody. You know, I could bequite slack at returning phone
calls or making calls, but, youknow, I could always guarantee
that Andrew would ring me for achat, and you know, we'd talk
for ages. And you know, eventhough we you know, there was a
bit of a distance, locationwise, between us. You know, we
always knew what was going on ineach other's lives. Yes, and we
(05:01):
and Andrew would always come uphere for her holidays. Around
Christmas time, she'd come upwith the girls, and we get to
spend time together then andmake loads of memories, which
was always nice, beautiful.
That's where the proposalhappened as
well. Is where the proposalhappened, the not so secret
proposal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'sgood times.
(05:23):
So we've talked in the previousepisodes around introduction to
hospice. We've talked withCharlie about the nursing care
and Angela's introduction tothat, the care planning and
those sorts of things. Yeah, afew things were also happening
as as Angela's illnessprogressed and she started to
(05:45):
need a lot more care and supportfor you too. What, what were
your roles in that? And how, youknow, how did you share support
your sister and Aaron goingthrough this while also
maintaining your relationships?
So I think it was, you know,like we've discussed earlier,
like, how, how quickly thingskind of progressed and and like,
(06:11):
and I've said it a couple oftimes, like, for me, like
looking at, you know, it was, itwas a three month period, but
for me, it felt like a lotlonger, and because I was in it,
you know, every day. And so, youknow, you didn't notice changes
and stuff like that as much asas, say, like Cherie would. And
(06:31):
so I think, and me being who Iam, I did a lot of the initial
stuff was, I just did a lot ofthat by myself. And it kind of
wasn't until it got to a pointwhere it was like, actually, I
can't do this by myself. And andobviously she kind of being, you
(06:51):
know, two hours away and, youknow, and working and having her
family commitments wasn't ableto be there all all the time in
that an initial period, but, butalso because we weren't
expecting it to progress like itdid, you know. So, so everything
was kind of like, well, youknow, like we were just kind of
(07:11):
flying blind because you, you'regiven a prognosis, so you kind
of, rightly or wrongly, you kindof work to that prognosis, you
know. And the initial one forAngela was anywhere from 18
months to, kind of three years.
She kind of working with that inmind. So, you know, for me, I
didn't feel the need to be like,hey, Cherie, you need to, you
(07:31):
need to come and help me. Likethis is, you know, it didn't
kind of get to that point, Ithink until kind of Cherie, you
know, would come down to visit,yeah, and then it was like, Oh,
actually, this situation is alot more serious than than what
I could see because I was in itso, so having Cherie kind of
(07:52):
come in from the outside, youknow, for lack of a better term,
and Go, like, actually, guys,this is, this is not great.
Things have changed. Things havechanged because, you know, like,
Cheri would go, you know, a weekor two without, you know,
without seeing Angela. And, youknow, they would talk all the
(08:13):
time, but, but actually seeingher and being involved in it,
you know, so then when she wouldcome down, she'd be like, no,
no, this isn't, this isn't good.
And then, you know, we kind ofgot to a time where we're
thankfully, Cherie just waslike, I'm here, you know, and we
(08:34):
got to do this. So, you know,because otherwise I was, I was
kind of doing it by myself,thinking that everything you
know was kind of this extendedtime period that it wasn't. So,
yeah, it's,I can imagine prognosis is quite
tricky, because, like you said,you you automatically, then
think you've got this timeperiod. And so if you were
(08:54):
living and that you're you'recounting for that, Sherry, what
was it like from yourperspective, obviously, coming
down and then seeing the changeseach time you came.
You know, everything seemed tohappen quite quickly. I
struggled because I was so faraway and you know, I was still
(09:16):
having to work at that stagebecause the school term hadn't
ended. And, you know, fromAaron's point of view, no, he's
in it every day, but I wouldstart to see these things
happen. You know, for instance,when Ange had a slow fall in the
shower, that happened while Iwas at work. And so there's lots
of to and throw. All I couldfeel is that, you know, I just
(09:39):
wanted to be there, but I justphysically couldn't be there at
that stage, apart from theweekends. And then my term for
school ended on the 23rd ofDecember, and that's when I came
down. But by that stage, yeah,things were progressing quite
quickly, and each time I sawAnne. I could see, you know, a
(10:01):
little more change, probably, Idon't know mum, more so than
Aaron, I guess, because he sawher every single day. So, you
know, each little time I wouldjust notice a bit more about it,
about her, and what she wasgoing through. And so once I
finally got down there, it was,it was great, and it was a great
(10:21):
feeling to finally be ablethere, to be there, to be a
support for Aaron and Angela,yeah. And it just meant that I
could forget about work and justput all my effort into being
there with Ange. Unfortunately,though, I was only down there
for a few days, and then mywhole family ended up with
covid. Oh, no. So then we hadhead all head back up to Rua
(10:43):
kaka and isolate for five days.
Because obviously, you know,Angela was doing chemo, so we
didn't want her getting sick. Soas soon as I'd isolated, it was
back down and back into itagain.
A lot of traveling as well, youknow, a lot of coordinating,
like you've said, as well, thecoordinating your family, your
work, yeah, I can imagine therewould have been a desperation,
(11:06):
or a desperate want to be therewith her as well. Yeah,
yeah. And I think back to, like,you know, we've talked about
the, you know, October the 17th,and and Angela and I getting the
news. I had to then relay thatnews to Cherie, but keeping in
(11:27):
mind that Cherie was two hoursaway and, you know, like, what
do I tell her? So that this twohour drive to come and be with
Angela isn't torturous, you knowwhat I mean? And so, yeah, and I
imagine that that's what it waslike, you know, every time you
had to go back, you know, as asthinking, You know what, what's
(11:47):
going to happen in the, youknow, in the, in the time that
I'm away, kind of thing, so,yeah. And also to anticipating,
like, your phone calls, what'shappening now, know what's
what's happened to Ange, youknow what? Where are we? Where
do we go from here, all thosethoughts you know you have going
through your head, but you justcan't physically be there. Yeah,
it was, it was really tough.
(12:11):
Yeah, absolutely. And it speaksto me the fact that Angela's
diagnosis and her illness wasn'tjust impacting Angela or her
direct family, you know, there'sthat network of a family around
her. Friends, I remember, werewere quite impacted, and all
(12:31):
starting to try and rally andoffer you support as much as
possible.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like ahouse, you know, from from,
pretty much from October 17, ourhouse was never empty, you know,
there was constantly peoplethere and, you know, and it
also, like, there was that wholeperiod just people were just
(12:53):
dropping everything, you know,like all of a sudden, like, work
didn't matter to people, youknow, like they just wanted to
come and they wanted to come andbe with Angela, and they, and
they wanted to help and in, inwhatever way they could, which,
which was amazing. It's quiteoverwhelming, you know, as well.
(13:17):
And you know, and especiallylike with the, you know, with
the hospice staff and and allthe different arms that kind of
come off, the support for Angelathat you know, that that kind of
became quite overwhelming asmore and more, not just family
and friends kind of tried tohelp, but all the other agencies
(13:39):
you know tried to Help Us, youknow, and wanted to help as
well. And that became, you know,that became quite like, almost
like, a full time job, you know,where, and that's why, when,
when Cherie came down, it waslike, almost like, Well, I'm
gonna, today, I'm gonna, kind ofmanage the admin side of this.
And Cherie, I need you to, Ineed you to look after Angela.
(14:01):
I'll take the phone calls andall that kind of stuff. You make
sure that she's okay, kind ofthing. So, yeah, it really was
like we, we just became like areally solid little team just to
kind of get things done,work of care that was starting
to weave around your family,around Angela family, coming
(14:22):
into support and agencies anddifferent services coming in.
Where did hospice come intoeverything?
Yeah, so, like we, we talkedabout a few episodes ago with
with Charlie, like, once we kindof got over the initial like,
why do we need hospice kind offeeling, and we're dealing with
(14:46):
this prognosis that is, youknow, kind of 18 months to three
years, you don't you don't knowwhat. You don't know, right? So,
so we didn't know that we neededshower seats. We didn't know.
Know that we needed stuff tojust get Angela to the bathroom
and things like that and, and sothat's where so hospice
(15:09):
organized, especially in thatinitial phase, hospice organized
all of that, like, really,really quickly, like, you know,
to kind of match how thisprogression was happening, yeah?
And so, you know, because we'rekind of still getting used to
this and getting our headsaround it, like, Well, why does
she need that? Why does she needthat? And then it's like, you
(15:31):
know, a day later, it's like,oh, that's why she needs that,
you know. And actually, thatmakes things a lot, a lot easier
for us.
And then a day or two afterthat, she's maybe needing
something else,yeah, and so we, we, all of a
sudden, we needed a wheelchair.
You know, we had to get her toand from the car to take her to
radiation. And, you know, and wecouldn't, she couldn't walk, and
(15:56):
so we didn't know how to get awheelchair or anything. And so,
so thankfully, we had a friendthat just rang me one day and
was like, I've got yourwheelchair. I'm I'm bringing it
over, which was amazing, right?
And we, and we probably usedthat wheelchair for about two
weeks before, actually, thatwheelchair wasn't suitable
anymore, and so it was back tohospice. Hey guys, what? Do we
(16:18):
do, you know? And so, you know.
And then, and then hospice putus in touch with, you know, an
occupational therapist who says,Okay, well, we can, you know, we
can get you this wheelchair, or,you know, all this other
equipment that all of a suddenbecomes part of our everyday
life, yeah, you know.
(16:40):
And we we have a so we had anoccupational therapist and a
physio within hospice that cameout and saw you and assessed
Angela. But there was also thatnavigation between our team
being able to navigate andcommunicate with the health
board and getting the communityservices tapped in as well. Hey,
(17:02):
yeah.
And, and, like I said, before,like, we kind of became this,
this team where I had to dealwith the admin side of what was
going on. So, like, remember,Sheree, my phone would didn't
stop ringing. Oh, you'reconstantly ringing. And, and you
had, like, to the point where Ihad to also divert Angela's
phone. I had to divert it to myphone because all of these
(17:25):
services were kind of ringingAngela, you know, it's like,
okay, well, we need to redirectthat kind of thing. And so,
yeah, we, like I said, we becamethis kind of team where admin
was kind of my responsibility,and going and getting
medications and and all of thatkind of stuff. And Cheri, you
hold the fort here and make surethat you know that she's okay,
(17:50):
you know. And as that kind ofprogressed as well, like, even
just like getting medication, Iwould get a phone call from from
hospice in the morning beinglike, Okay, what medication does
it? Does she need today? We'regonna go and get it and we'll
bring it to you. Yeah, you know,like, which doesn't sound like a
big deal, but when you're tryingto organize all of this stuff
(18:14):
and, and, and keeping in mindthat there's still children that
are still going to school and,you know, all of that life stuff
is still happening. To have justthose things where it's like,
Hey, you don't need to go and dothat. We're going to come and
bring that. We're going to bringthat to you as, yeah, as
(18:35):
massive, especially, you know,especially for
me, there's that quality of lifeaspect as well. Like you said,
you know, life is going on atthis point, and there's also,
while you're trying and workingto care for her and make sure
that Angela's needs are met,you're also her husband, her
(18:55):
sister, wanting to probablyspend some quality time with
your loved one as well, andbalancing that carer role from
that family member role as well,must have been quite a challenge
for you.
Think it was. It was achallenge, wasn't it, Aaron. But
I think Aaron and I kind ofbecame a well oiled machine,
(19:19):
didn't we? Aaron, yeah, like, wekind of just got to the point
where we just knew what theother person was thinking. I
would arrive in the morning, andwe would just get into mode, and
we would get all the, you know,the caring things for Ange, I
would go and get the bath stuffready, and then we'd work
together and, you know, get itall ready for the day, and then
(19:43):
once we kind of got all thatstuff, then we could kind of
have our time, couldn't we,Aaron, just to be with Ange. But
keeping in mind that, you know,there were, she has loads and
loads of friends. So like Aaronsaid before, during the day,
there's loads of people poppingin to see her. As well. So just
navigating all the visitors, thecaring, making sure we're
(20:05):
spending time saying the thingswe need to say,
all those things,and yeah, and a big part of
that, like, like Sherry said, webecame a well oiled machine. But
the only reason we became a welloiled machine was because,
because hospice, the hospicestaff, the various people that
came in, you know, coming in andshowing us how to get in and out
(20:28):
of bed properly, you know, like,you know, here's a slide sheet.
Well, two months ago, what thehell was a slide sheet? You
know, I don't know what that is,let alone know how to use one.
You know how to access one, orhow to access one? Yeah,
exactly. And I remember thefirst time that, when we first
got it and, and at the stage,Angela wasn't, she wasn't in a
(20:50):
hospital bed. She was, you know,she, she, we, we could get her
in and out of bed and, and shewas a bit more mobile. And we,
the healthcare assistant fromhospice, came out and showed us
how to how to do it, and we hadthis big demonstration of, like,
easy. We got this, got it. Thenext day, we tried to use it,
(21:12):
and we were just like, thisisn't for us. We just lift her
out and and we did that. We didthat for ages, a sherry, and we
had to get, we had to get aneeded to come back and and show
us, show us again, how to useit. Because we had no idea. We
had no idea. And especially, andaround the showering. And I
(21:36):
think, I think you probablyagree, Sherry like this, the
showering thing was, was like,yes, it was a, it was a
practical thing. She obviouslyneeded to shower and stuff every
day, sometimes two or threetimes a day. And you know what?
While it was hard, those were,those were some really special
times for us. You know, Iremember, you know, I would, I
(21:58):
would take her to the to the tothe toilet, and she would sit
down on the stool, and I, youknow, wheel it back, and all of
that kind of stuff. And thenwhen I would lift her up, every
time I would lift her up, shewould put you, put her arms
around you, and she'd give you akiss on the cheek. And you were
just like, this is like, andI've said this to Cheri loads of
times, like it was, you know,that three months was the most
(22:20):
awful three months of our lives,but also some of the best
moments of our lives. You know,we got to have these, these
little, you know, these littlemoments. And so we kind of held
on to those things, probably fora little bit longer than we
should have, you know,especially when it came to
showering and stuff, and then Ican't, can you remember who it
(22:42):
was she that came in and waslike, actually, guys, you, you
can't keep doing this. Was thatAnita? Yeah,
yeah, in Anita. And I doremember from that day on,
because I kind of that last timewe went to shower, and I kind of
got the feeling just by her eyecontact and her body movements
(23:06):
that she just didn't want to doit. Yeah. And so Aaron and I
left it that day like, okay,come on, let's just get you back
into bed. And so we did. Andthen I think maybe we mentioned
that to Anita the next day, andshe said, Well, she shouldn't be
getting up for the shower. Now,anyway, she needs to be resting
as much as she can. We're goingto start bed baths. And Anita
(23:31):
was just absolutely amazing,like, that's one of the services
I remember. She was just Angelagot to the stage like with
anyone from hospice came in acarer or, you know, another
service person, you could justsee Ange start to relax, like
(23:52):
she just knew that she was ingood care.
That's probably because she waslike, thank all the
professionals are here, andthese guys
and we love, you know, we loveAnge, and we want you know we
did our absolute best to doeverything for her and make sure
we were doing everything right.
But, and I think she did put alot of trust in us, didn't she?
(24:15):
Aaron, she was very happy withthe way we cared for her, but
you could just tell when theycame in, she just had this ease
about her. The whole room justwent calm. And I think, like
Angela herself, was calm, but Ithink it gave Aaron and I a bit
of peace of mind as well, justknowing that she was getting the
(24:37):
nurture and, you know, thecaring from someone and they
and, you know, Anita was just sogentle and respectful, you know,
look, you know, did everythingslowly, talked to Ange, the
whole process. It was just, itwas really lovely to see, and
lovely that she, you know, shereally took the time to teach
(24:57):
us. Know how to do it, step bystep, worked with us so that we
knew how to do it. And that wasafter that that we kind of
became the well oiled machine,because of the the time that she
took to show us how to doeverything properly. And, you
know, use the slide sheet again,properly, and you know how how
to take, you know, Angela'snightwear off, you know, keeping
(25:22):
her comfortable and, you know,and getting her dressed and all
those things like, yeah, so muchdetail, but it was so helpful,
because it's easy forus to forget as well. It's
something you know, Anita or usin the workplace will do
regularly. So it's it's known tous how to use a sliding sheet,
(25:46):
if that's what we're trying todo, yeah, but we forget
sometimes that it's a brand newforeign thing for Fano and then
families Yeah, to suddenly tryto figure out to use Yeah, aside
from managing Angela's cares andher physical and her medical
needs, there was a bit of touchfrom the social care team as
(26:08):
well. So I think we had somecounsel, some of our counseling
team checking in with you guysalong the way.
Yeah, and it's, and it was, wasreally, like, unintrusive, I
guess is the word. It was just,you know, it was very, it was
very light. It was very, youknow, softly, like, Hey, we're
(26:29):
kind of here, if you, you know,we're here if you need us, kind
of, kind of situation. And itwasn't just me. It was, you
know, it was the kids, and itwas and it was Angela, and it
was Cherie, and, you know, theit didn't matter who it was, if
someone involved needed us, youknow, needed to talk to someone.
But it wasn't, you know, like Isaid, it was just, it was kind
(26:51):
of subtle, you know, and it waslike, you know, just Yes, we're
here if you need us. So yeah,and Angela received some message
from our massage therapists,so she So Angela is a massive
fan of of massages and back rubsand light and so they kind of
didn't come until, till, kind ofquite close to the to the end
(27:17):
and and, and I remember saying,Oh, they the massage therapist
is is coming to see you. And youjust, I can picture a face in my
in my head, Sherry, that facewhere she'd raise her eyebrows
and make a little smile, and,and you just knew she was like,
oh man. You could tell that shewas like, there's gonna be so
(27:39):
much better than the crap onesthat you try and give me. And
the massage therapist came inand she just loved that. I like,
just like Cherie said she justrelaxed. But like, even more so
you're like, Oh, she's really,really loving it. And I think
the one that that sticks out ofmy mind the most is the one. And
(28:00):
I think it might have been maybetwo or three days before she
passed away. And, you know, weweren't getting a lot of
response by this stage. She, youknow, there wasn't a lot of
talking or anything like that.
And we, I think Charlie said, Doyou want me to organize for the
(28:20):
for the massage therapist tocome. And we were like, yeah,
like, she loved, she will, shewill love it. And, and, like I
said, even though she wasn't itkind of, you know, there wasn't
a lot of talking that, you know,it was just very almost like she
was asleep all the time she hadthat massage. And you could see
again that she was just like,Yeah, this is, this is really
(28:41):
good stuff, you know. And youknow, she'd been, you know, by
that stage, she was in bed likeall the time, you know, she
couldn't move we, we couldn'tmove her. So you think about, if
you spend all that time in bed,how, you know, you think it's a
great idea at first, but then,you know, when you're not moving
or anything, how awful that musthave been that Yeah, to just
(29:03):
have that was just such a relieffor it. You could just, you
could see it on her face, yeah,yeah.
And just so respectful andgentle. And I just love the way
that, you know, it was almostlike it was just her and Ange in
the room. You know, no one elsemattered for that time, it was
all about Ange and and she justsoftly spoke to her and told her
(29:26):
what she was doing. And Yeah,and like, I know on that
particular last time, she hadworked quite a lot around
Angela's neck and shoulder,because it was quite tight from
the way she was sitting. Andyeah, afterwards, like Angela
just looked so much morerelaxed, like she couldn't tell
(29:46):
us verbally, but you couldcertainly see it in her face and
her body language, yeah.
And so important for me in myrole in the areas that I'm
interested in is that holisticcare, yeah? And. I don't think
many people when they think ofhospice, it's another one of
those misconceptions where weknow a lot about the medical,
(30:08):
the nursing care, but we don'toften know about that whole wrap
around holistic supports. Wereyou guys aware of that when,
when Angela was first admitted?
No, like, like, not at all. AndI said the very beginning, like,
you don't know what you don'tknow, right? And, and, you know,
while it was overwhelming, like,initially it was like, What do
(30:32):
you mean? We just get all ofthis. Do you know what I mean?
Like, and it just kind of blewme away. So we're going to
organize a massage therapist foryou, and we're going to have
someone come and do this foryou, and we're going to any
like, Okay, well, what do wehave to do for that? Like,
nothing. Like, you mean,nothing, yeah, and you know,
(30:52):
it's still, you know, and that'skind of why we, you know, was
said in the in the firstepisode, like this is kind of
why we're here, a little bit is,you know, to make people aware.
You know that that of all thegreat work that you know that
hospice do, because, again, likejust so many people just don't
(31:12):
know. And the sad thing is,there'll be people out there
that are that are going throughwhat we've been through, and
don't know, and are trying to dothis by themselves, you know,
and and for, and I was going tosay for a long time, but it
wasn't that long at all. Feltlike a long time, but for a long
(31:33):
time, that's how, that's kind ofhow I felt, you know? It was
like, Well, I've got to, I'vegot to do this by myself. I have
to look after her and stuff likethat. And to have that kind of
relief, you know what I mean, tojust come in and be like,
actually, you don't have to dothis by yourself. Here's all of
the things that we can do tohelp and then to actually do
(31:56):
them without me having to chase,you know, and ring people and be
like, Hey, we're meant to havethis, and we're meant to have
this andand also on your terms as well,
right? Because it's often wehave so many different services
available that will work fordifferent people. And like you
said, with the counselor,they're touching base to check
(32:16):
in, and that's so that you knowas and when you need them,
they're there. Becauseeverybody's grief journey is
different, right? But the keything is always putting it back
till it's on, on your terms,what you need, when you need how
you need it, yeah, is how we tryto work in and support you,
(32:37):
yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
And I think for me personally,you know, I, I knew that hospice
wasn't just about end of life,you know, I'd, we'd had hospice
in when Mum was sick, you know,and we'd had all the help with
all the, you know, all thefurniture that she needed and
and that sort of thing. But, youknow, even having been through
(33:00):
that with mum. And, you know,the the nurses and everyone were
wonderful with mum, but I stillwasn't aware of all the other
services, like the, you know,the physiotherapy and the
massage. And so I think itreally is important to to, you
know, get out that those thingsare available. Yeah, and you
(33:21):
know, I'm, I'm so deeplygrateful, you know, for them
treating Ange with all thetenderness and respect. And you
know it just means the world tous that you know she was cared
with, you know, such love andyou know dignity was in you
know, kept in check, which wasreally important to us too,
(33:41):
and working in to support youguys with what you were doing,
because we forget how muchfamily support and how much they
do in situations likethis, yeah, and I think like,
and I look back at it now, andyou know, it's some time to kind
of reflect on things I would dodifferently. And I think for me,
you know, I would, I know that Ididn't have to do everything by
(34:09):
myself or not, not so much bymyself, but I didn't have to do
everything you know, but becauseyou know, because, like, sure
you see dignity. Was a really,really and dignity and privacy
was a really, really big thingfor Angela, you know. So so that
obviously was important to me,and so I kind of like almost put
a shield around her, you know.
(34:33):
And it took a lot to, you know,to kind of break that down. But,
you know, we were talking beforeabout spending time with her and
things like that. I think for mepersonally, I could have relied
on those services more than Imore than I did, to have more
time with her and and probably,probably make things easier for
(34:56):
her as well. You know?
Yeah. I think Hindsight is oneof those things as well, when
you're thinking maybe with theprognosis and how that's
changing as well. Yeah, youdon't know at the time what you
need until, until you have otherpeople come in and and, and let
you know what's going on,right? Yeah, yeah. And I think
we, Sherry and I were actuallytalking about this a week or two
(35:21):
ago, and Angela's big thing wasthat she didn't want us to see
her suffer. You know, obviouslyshe had already been through
with with the girl's mum passingaway, and that, you know, that
had been quite traumatic. And soAngela was always like, I don't,
(35:42):
I don't want you guys to see mesuffer. You know, the fact that
she that, that she kept goingfor as long as she as long as
she did. And I said to Sri theother day, I said that, I think
that was her way of saying thankyou to us for looking after her,
you know, and in the way that wein the way that we did, and you
(36:06):
know, and that that means theworld to us. And you know,
without sounding like we'repatting everyone on the back too
much like we could only do thatstuff, we could only look after
her in the way that we didbecause of the support that we
had, like, and it's and it's notan understatement at all. Like,
(36:27):
without that, without thesupport and stuff that hospice
gave us, Angela wouldn't havebeen at home, you know, she
would have been in a hospital.
We wouldn't have got to spendall of the time that we, that we
did with her, we wouldn't havebeen able to get those special
moments that, you know, that wegot, because we just got to a
(36:50):
point where we couldn't havekept going by ourselves and
without hospice. That's, that'swhat would have happened, you
know, and yeah, and so we just,we just can't think hospice
enough. Yeah,they say it takes a village, and
it's always, it's, it's, it'smore than one person you know.
So it's, it's good to hear howmuch support you guys were able
(37:14):
to to weave into to caring forAngela at this crucial moment in
her life, and supporting herwith maintaining her dignity,
her quality of life, andcherishing those very special
moments, the kiss on the cheeks.
I'm imagining that there wasstill lots of laughter and humor
(37:36):
and sisterly jokes going on aswell.
Oh, wow, Cherie, do you therewas, there was lots of emotions.
I can tell you. There were happytimes, there were sad times,
there were very funny times.
Do we? Cherie, do you want toshare your funny story? Well,
you can start it so. So in oneof these moments, we were
(38:01):
getting, you know, we weregetting to the point where we
couldn't, you know, it was kindof, maybe, maybe we couldn't
take her to the shower and stuffanymore. But we were
fine. We tried to shower her,yeah, yeah.
And so, so we've, we've wheeled,we've wheeled her into the
bathroom. And our bathroom is,very, very narrow, so not ideal
(38:23):
for the situation that we're in.
So we're trying to kind ofmaneuver her in, into the
bathroom, and then we've kind ofgot to lift her up and then spin
her round onto this was a whole,was like a was like a Formula
One pit crew. It was like a poorFormula One pit crew. But
yeah, Aaron would be in theshower. I'd be half in the
shower. So it was, it was a, itwas a big deal. Yeah, stay in
(38:49):
time this time. I said, Well,before we put her in the shower,
let's just on the while she's onthe commode, I'll just get some
nice warm soapy water, and I'llgive her a little wash while
she's sitting there, you know,because it's very hard once
you're in the shower,which we did.
And bless Angela, she's she'salways had loads of trouble with
(39:11):
her bowels, poor girl. But thistime, I guess the warm water was
soothing.
You carry on. Aaron,so Angela had we had her in the
on the toilet late. Do you needto go toilet? No, I'm okay.
Okay, so we wheel her away fromwe're gonna book her in the
shower. Cherie goes to lift her,and she looks down, and Angela's
(39:33):
done a little poo, and it'splanted on antidote. And we're
just at the point we just lookat each other. The three of us
all just look at each other. AndAngela kind of got this look on
her face like, Well, what do youwant me to do? Like, there's
nothing I can do and share. Islike, Oh, well, it's okay, yep.
(39:55):
No, we'll carry on and click.
You know. And by this stage, I'mlike, run out of the bathroom.
And it was like, you know, likeany other time you'd be like,
this disgusting. But it was justlike, of course, this is what's
happened. And I just the look onAngela's face of, like,
(40:17):
whatever. Like, what do you wantme to do? And Cherie just being
like, Oh, well, doesn't matter.
Just Yes. Just, so good. Like Isaid, like we just, it sounds
random to call it a specialmoment issue, but like, we
still, you know, we'd still talkabout it now
and then after that, Aaron wason the phone with the doctors,
(40:41):
and I was kind of had a towelaround Ange, and I was just kind
of, you know, we're waiting forAaron to come back so we could
pop her in the shower. And thisis after we kind of cleaned up a
bit. And then Andrew was sittingon the chair, and I had the
towel around her, and I was justkind of standing over her with
my hands on her shoulders, andshe just kind of nuzzled into me
and looked up at me. I was likean unspoken thanks. This was
(41:08):
very Yeah, was it was a veryfunny moment, and yeah, one that
we'll probably talk about forAngela's legacy lives on. Yeah,
yeah, she would be laughing.
She's laughing now, I'm sure ofit.
Well, thank you so much, sharae,for coming and joining Aaron and
(41:29):
I and sharing your stories andyour your beautiful relationship
that you had with your sister.
Oh, thank you for having me.
We'll wrapit up there. Join us next week
as we talk about Angela'srapidly changing condition and
what came next. Thanks forjoining us.
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