March 31, 2025 • 39 mins
When the Nest Empties, What’s Next?
The silence can be overwhelming when a once-busy home suddenly feels too quiet. If you’ve ever wondered, Who am I now? Where do I fit in my child’s life—and in my own?
Allie Hill, author of The Girlfriend's Guide to Empty Nesting, knows this transition firsthand. When her daughter left for college, she felt like she took her heart and purpose with her. In this funny, heartfelt and honest conversation, Allie shares how she moved from loss to renewal—rediscovering her own identity, passions, and purpose.
We dive into the emotional rollercoaster of empty nesting, the surprising opportunities this phase brings, and practical ways to strengthen relationships, build new connections, and embrace the next chapter with confidence.
If you're navigating this shift (or see it on the horizon), this episode will remind you: Your best years aren’t behind you—they’re just beginning. Listen now!
You can find the Girlfriend's Guide to Empty Nesting wherever you buy books.
You can find Allie Hill at:
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Michele Folan (00:00):
The day you've been preparing for finally
arrives.
The kids are out of the house,building their own lives, maybe
even living far away or startingfamilies of their own.
You thought you'd be ready, butnow you're standing in the
quiet wondering where do I fitin now?
If you're feeling a mix ofpride, sadness, excitement and
(00:23):
maybe even a little lost, you'renot alone.
Health, wellness, fitness andeverything in between.
We're removing the taboo fromwhat really matters in midlife.
I'm your host, Michele Folan,and this is Asking for a Friend.
(00:54):
Empty nesting is a huge lifeshift and, while it can feel
overwhelming, it's also anincredible opportunity to
rediscover you.
That's why I'm so excited tochat with Allie Hill, author of
the Girlfriend's Guide to EmptyNesting.
She's been through it herselfand brings a refreshing, honest
and even humorous take on how tonavigate this phase with
confidence and joy.
In this episode, we'll talkabout redefining your identity,
(01:16):
strengthening relationships andembracing the freedom that comes
with an empty nest.
If you've been struggling withwhat comes next, this
conversation is exactly what youneed.
Allie Hill, welcome to Askingfor a Friend.
Thank you, michelle.
It's so great to be here and Ihave to tell you.
Allie is in Hawaii right nowand I'm very jealous.
(01:40):
She's, you know, wearing hertank top, got her little beads
on and I'm in a mock turtleneck.
Allie Hill (01:49):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry you suck.
Next time we do it in person.
How's that Okay?
Michele Folan (01:56):
All right, That'd be great.
If I can come to Hawaii, thatwould be awesome.
You know I was drawn to you onInstagram because I thought your
story was so relatable andrelatable to so many women.
I would love for you to justtell the audience a little bit
about you and we'll dive intoyour personal story.
Allie Hill (02:19):
Sure.
So I am a mother, I have onedaughter, her name's Izzy.
She's 25.
I'm married, I have a doghopefully a puppy on the way and
I know well, pray to the puppygods.
And I was a journalist beforebeing a life coach.
So I grew up in Colorado andthen went to college in
(02:43):
California and started my careerin California as a journalist
and I was fashion beauty home.
I think I'm a person who's justcurious and likes to ask
questions and, you know, couplethat with decent, adequate
writing skills and journalism.
That was just.
That was easy.
When I moved back to Coloradoand I guess what was that?
(03:07):
I always want to say that it'slike 2005, but it was 1995.
It's hard to do the 90s, butthat just feels like a whole
nother century ago.
It was a really long time agoAllie, I know no one's ever
heard of the 90s.
I kind of had to reinventmyself just then and it was like
, okay, there's no real sorryColorado fashion in Colorado, so
(03:31):
I'm going to have to findanother career.
And I did a bunch of things,but really what became my career
was being a wife and then a mom, and I dove into that
wholeheartedly.
Like when you have one child,you well I'll speak from my own
personal experience I said yesto everything.
I was the room mom, I was thelacrosse mom, I was the.
(03:56):
I think that if my daughterwanted to do it, we said yes, if
we could, if you know, if wecould swing it, because I didn't
have to be in seven otherplaces at the same time.
So when she left in 2017 andshe went to college out of state
, I say she took her bags andher belongings and my heart and
(04:17):
my purpose with her.
Michele Folan (04:21):
I know right.
So you were one of those moms,but the mom that I couldn't be
because I was traveling andworking and so I was envious of
you.
Allie Hill (04:33):
Oh my gosh, I was envious of you that you had
something else than your wholefocus devoted to your child.
I'm like I should really bedoing something I should
probably be making money.
You know, it's always the grassis greener right, Exactly.
Michele Folan (04:48):
And maybe there is a happy medium somewhere in
there.
But yeah, I was excited when Icould work in the lunchroom one
day or do playground duty.
That was a big deal.
You know when.
Allie Hill (04:59):
I could swing that.
Michele Folan (05:01):
That was just a Wednesday for me.
Yeah, I see, okay.
So this is going to be a funconversation I could have.
So, this moment when Izzy goesoff to school, how are you
feeling?
Because sometimes there's thatexcitement and then there's the
tears and the boo-hoo and theboo-hoo, I think that I had been
(05:24):
what do they call it?
Allie Hill (05:25):
Rehearsing, rehearsing for this moment,
rehearsing, not tragedy it's nota tragedy that she's going to
college, but rehearsing,grieving, you know, grieving in
advance.
Really, kind of middle of herjunior year, that whole senior,
the year of lasts, I waspracticing, practicing, being
(05:45):
sad, practicing like oh, that'sso sad, but at the same time I
was so happy and proud and Iknew like my daughter was living
her best life, like no onecould get out of the house
faster than my daughter, whichwas a little bit insulting.
But at the same time I'm like,okay, I guess she feels
confident, she feels independent.
(06:06):
I did something right, exceptfor the part when it came to me,
right?
So bittersweet really is theword of the day when it comes,
at least for me, for that firstfew weeks and months.
Honestly, it was uh, might'veeven been years.
It took a while.
Michele Folan (06:26):
Okay, what surprised you most about this
phase of life?
Allie Hill (06:30):
Okay, I think in the beginning it was that it did
take so long.
I thought because, um, rightafter Izzy left, like just by
serendipity, a friend uh gave mean email about becoming a life
coach and it was Martha Beck'sprogram, and so I did that.
So, 2017, I went through herprogram, which was a godsend to
(06:52):
give me focus and give mestructure and just gave me
something to wake up in themorning for.
But I thought the minute Ithink it was a six month program
.
I thought, okay, I'm doing thisthing and now I'm going to feel
better.
But it's not like six monthprogram.
I thought, okay, I'm doing thisthing and now I'm going to feel
better.
But it's not like I woke up andwas like, oh, I've got a purpose
again, got it all figured out.
(07:12):
It wasn't that.
So there was a it took a lot, alittle bit longer than I
thought.
But once I sort of relaxed intolooking for other possibilities
and other openings, I wassurprised about how terrific
empty nesting life could be.
(07:33):
Once I embraced it, once I waslike this could be fun.
Jim and I can pick up.
If we have a puppy sitter and ahouse sitter, we can go
wherever we want, I can try newthings.
It was really a mindset shiftthat needed to happen.
Michele Folan (07:48):
Yeah, that was going to be my next question.
Were there unexpected joys thatyou had during this time?
Allie Hill (07:55):
Yeah, there were a lot of unexpected joys I think
that reconnecting with myhusband, which, again, I'm not
going to say that.
Everything was like I dream ofJeannie and I blinked and
everything was like Ooh, we arehot and heavy again.
Ooh, I have my purpose again.
There was none of that.
There was a lot of trial anderror, like, let me try this,
(08:16):
let me let me.
In the coaching world, we talkabout, like putting a shirt on
and seeing if it fits, and if itdoesn't, we discard it and we
don't make a big deal out of it,we just put it back on.
So I was like wait 2017, Ithink I'm going to be a life
coach.
Well, guess what?
No, I wasn't ready to becoaching other people.
I was really ready to becoaching myself and be learning
(08:39):
other new developmental things,but I was in no shape.
Their new developmental things,but I was in no shape to be
helping anybody at that time.
But there were still amazing.
I had not focused on myself.
So I think that I finding otherthings to learn and grow, that
that seemed to be my, that wasmy mantra.
You know, the year of yes, likeShonda Rhimes says, but mine
(09:03):
was all personal development.
So I was like, anytime aseminar or something came up in
my area, I'm like, I'm a yes,what can I get from that?
Michele Folan (09:10):
Oh, I love that, though you know, because you
weren't going to just sit athome and you know cry and you
know text your daughter, I'msure you did plenty of that too
right.
Allie Hill (09:24):
She had to sit me down at parents weekend and tell
me you know, mom, I love youand it really hurts.
She said it hurts her feelingsto have to not take my call and
not text me back.
She said I don't want to behurting you, but it's a bit much
, so is there any way you candial it back a little?
And then we, you know, and itwas just I got to say to her
(09:46):
thank you for saying that to me.
I have never done this before.
This is my.
You're my first and only childand I've never done this and
we're super close and I used totalk to you a million times a
day and now I'm retrainingmyself to know that it's okay to
what text you what twice once,wait for your call.
What's the new way wecommunicate and why?
(10:10):
Was that a learning curve?
Michele Folan (10:11):
What advice do you have, then, for moms that
are sending their kids off toschool or sending them off to
the big city to start theircareers right, because that's
the other phase that we aredealing with or they're getting
married, yeah.
What are your tips on settingboundaries on communication?
Allie Hill (10:36):
I think number one, everything is have a
conversation.
I mean have a conversationbeforehand, if you can.
I often hear from my friends,my clients certainly it was
myself.
They're in the middle of it.
There was no beforehandconversation.
It's never too late to have theconversation, but let your
child or adult listen, childknow that you love them, you
(10:59):
want to be in communication withthem, you don't want to
overstep but it's important toyou.
I have a, I have a daughter.
I for me, it was safety.
It was always came down to areyou okay?
So we came up with a system ofyou know.
It was those dreaded Thursday,friday, saturday nights where I
would be like, even when I'm inColorado and she's in Arizona, I
(11:28):
would still worry, but shewould just text me home.
You know whether it was 10, 10PM or 1 AM or 3 AM.
And this is a tip for a pro tipDon't track your child.
I mean you can, but don't trackthem at three in the morning if
you don't want an answer Likeyou might not like what you're
seeing and so just don't do it.
My husband did that, you know,and he's like why?
(11:48):
Well, I shouldn't go in there?
Why is she there at three inthe morning.
I'm like mm-hmm.
Michele Folan (11:59):
I just don't think you should ask questions
you don't want the answers to.
Well, here's the question iswhere were we at 3 am when we
were in college?
Exactly?
Allie Hill (12:06):
Michele, and I could certainly like I forgot to ask
myself that.
I'm certain my husband forgotthat or he's thinking I know
exactly where I was and it's notwhere I want my daughter.
Michele Folan (12:19):
No, yeah, where I was and it's not where I want
my daughter.
No, yeah, we don't need to talkabout those stories right now,
because my daughters do listento this podcast.
Do they?
Yeah, I love it.
Okay, we'll keep it PG.
Yeah, we're going to take aquick break, and when we come
back I want to talk about theGirlfriend's Guide to Empty
Nesting Skipping breakfast orgrabbing a protein bar, a salad
(12:46):
for lunch, an okay dinner, andyou wonder why you're not losing
weight.
Listen, I get it.
You're trying to be good, butmidlife metabolism doesn't work
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Eating less isn't the answer.
Eating right is.
In my six-week midlife reset,I'll show you how to fuel your
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(13:09):
Train in a way that actuallyreshapes your body and finally
break free from the cycle offrustration.
But you have to take that firststep.
Doors close soon, don't wait.
Click the link in the shownotes and let's get to work.
All right, we're back, and youare a writer, and so did that
(13:33):
make total sense to you at thispoint to write a book about your
experience.
Allie Hill (13:38):
I mean it did.
I have been writing booksforever.
I've been writing chapters ofbooks, whether it was a memoir,
whether it was my you know, oh,those mean girls in middle
school.
I wrote a book to you.
I wrote a book to you know allthe ex-boyfriends.
I've been writing books forever, but they were they were so me
centric and I could never.
(14:00):
They were so me centric and Icould never.
I could never finish them.
The minute I I'd been coaching,let's say for specifically
emptiness moms for about threeor four years, the minute I had
the idea of writing a book forthem, it just flowed.
It was less about me.
It has definitely myexperiences, but it's also a lot
(14:20):
of my clients' experiences, myfriends.
It's just.
And then I did rewrite the bookseveral times.
So I wrote it very first Iwrote it like, oh my gosh, you
poor, poor mom.
Oh, just let's cuddle up andcry together.
I wrote it like that.
And then I was like, ah, that'snot, that's, I wouldn't want to
(14:42):
read that.
Then I wrote it like snap outof it, come on.
I was like that's not very kind.
And then I kind of combinedpractical information with real
heartfelt, hopefully relatablestories and decent strategies
and I was like that's the bookthat I wish I'd had.
And I was like that's the bookthat I wish I'd had.
Michele Folan (15:02):
Oh, yeah, so the title of the book is the
Girlfriend's Guide to EmptyNesting.
And then how did writing thebook help you process your own
empty nest journey?
Allie Hill (15:14):
I got to do a lot of revisiting the stories.
You know that I so Izzy hadbeen out of the house for, oh,
she was still in college when Iwas writing it.
She was just probably in hersenior year and I got to go back
and really think about, oh,where was I at the beginning,
(15:36):
where was I when I dropped heroff?
Where, what did I need right inthat moment?
And then kind of all thedifferent phases, and it really
helped, having had, you know,four years of coaching other
women, that I didn't want it tobe the Allie show.
It was very much all thegirlfriends, all the women in my
lives, like let's take this one, let's take that one.
(15:56):
I loved revisiting the stories,but then I had to do my first.
Two readers had to be myhusband and my daughter because
they figured very prominently inthe book and I had to make sure
they were okay with all thestories I included.
Michele Folan (16:12):
Were they okay with everything they were.
Allie Hill (16:15):
I was really surprised.
I, because I didn't hold back.
It's not like I, you know,Christ.
I because I didn't hold back,it's not like I, you know,
painted them in unflatteringplaces, but I, I mean, I did the
unvarnished truth.
And, most of all, who do I callout the most?
Me, because this is not, thisisn't a guide to everything I
did right.
This is do this definitely,please, don't, don't, don't,
(16:36):
don't, do this Right, and so onand so forth don't don't do this
Right, and so on and so forth.
Michele Folan (16:45):
So what do you hope readers take away from the
book?
Is there one message that'smost important to you?
Allie Hill (16:49):
I think that you know, when I learned that there
were 22.2 million empty nestmoms right now in the world
empty nest moms right now in theworld Just that alone helped me
go, even though you can feelsuper alone and alone in your
(17:09):
process.
For me, my daughter had allthese girlfriends and I had
their mothers as friends and Ithought we were all in it
together.
But I have an only child andthey still had children below,
so they still had siblings toparent.
I felt very alone.
I felt like I didn't, likenobody had ever gone through
(17:30):
this before.
So I'm hoping that the book isa beacon of hope, of possibility
.
I hope it really.
You know it can be a roadmap tocreating your next chapter, but
really I just hope thatsomebody goes.
Oh, she sees me, she gets me, Iget it.
(17:50):
You know something like that.
Michele Folan (17:51):
So what advice do you give to women who are
struggling with that?
I think it's that loneliness,or they feel stuck because they
always had something that theyhad to be doing and now, all of
a sudden, that thing isn't thereany longer.
Allie Hill (18:10):
Yeah, I would say start small.
It's almost like I waslistening to another one of your
podcast guests and I was like,oh, I say the same thing, little
baby steps it's.
You know, make a commitment tosomething for you to do in the
morning and do it every day, andI don't care if it's having
your four ounces of water or ifit's texting your best friend.
(18:35):
Do something, build up a littleconsistency, because then
you're going to start trustingyourself more and you're going
to be like okay, it's also goodto have a reason to get up in
the morning.
For me, that structure of thatclass, that certification helped
.
But what I would say, if we'rejust starting from scratch and
somebody comes to me, I wouldreally talk about who they were
(18:58):
before they had kids.
What did you love?
What were your dreams?
What were your desires?
What did you do?
What did you find yourself lostin?
Were you a stamp collector?
Were you a gardener?
Were you a walker?
Were you captain of your flagfootball team?
I don't know.
You didn't become a human beingthe minute you were a mother.
(19:21):
You did have years before that.
So revisit those and then maybenone of them fit right now.
Maybe those are all things thatyou did in your 20s or
something, or teens or 20s or30s, but there might be some
glimmers and going forward, beopen to all the possibilities
(19:43):
and what I mean by that.
I have a story.
I think I'm pretty sure I putit in the book but it
illustrates it perfectly.
It was from a client who toldme that she didn't know what to
do next.
She just had no idea.
And as we're talking she'stelling me.
She's like but I'm getting allthese postcards in the mail and
they're like brochures, they'repostcards of art, gallery
(20:06):
openings, they're like reallycool, and I am not an artist.
And she said but she foundherself like putting them on her
desk and putting them aroundher house because they brought
her such joy.
And maybe a week or two latershe was having coffee with a
friend and I think maybe she wasat Starbucks.
But she saw on the bulletinboard it said free watercoloring
(20:28):
class and it had those littletags where you pull the number
down.
And she's like, okay, I'm goingto do it.
And it turns out it was laterthat day.
It was like Sunday night atfive o'clock and as Sunday
approached she's like what inthe world was I thinking I don't
want to go.
She made a big deal withherself.
She's like I'll just show upfor five minutes.
If I don't like it, I'll leave.
(20:50):
She went, she took the class.
She didn't know anybody in theclass, she'd never watercolored
before, but she stayed and she'slike wow, I like this.
We didn't talk for a couple ofweeks.
She said she went back everySunday and realized that she
(21:16):
liked to watercolor.
So what that illustrates to meoh, no pun intended is that just
be open.
Be open to the breadcrumbs thatlife is showing you, whether
it's a postcard, what's lightingyou up?
Pay attention to those sparks.
Michele Folan (21:29):
You know the other thing too it's not just
the art class, it's thecommunity, yes Of other people
that are maybe going throughsomething similar.
Right?
The other thing too do we haveto learn to be alone with
ourselves a little bit?
Allie Hill (21:49):
I think so.
I think that it's funny.
I crave alone time, but latelyI've been filling it up with
social media, listening topodcasts, and I'm like that's
not really alone.
So, yeah, I think we would allbenefit for a little alone time,
(22:11):
because how else are yousupposed to hear the messages
that are coming in?
I believe in messages from theuniverse.
I don't know if that'ssomething that resonates with
your listeners, but how do weget, whether you think of it as
God or the universe, or your ownintuition how are you supposed
(22:32):
to hear it if you don't makespace for it?
Right, I agree, you know that'swhen maybe meditation or
journaling, or a walk, or justsome time to sit on the beach
and think.
Michele Folan (22:45):
Yeah.
Allie Hill (22:46):
How often do we do that?
Michele Folan (22:47):
We don't.
I wear my red light maskbecause that's the only way I'm
going to sit still long enough,because I'm terrible at like I
can't even do yoga.
It's not like quick enough forme.
And what I've tried to do,Allie, is I try to when I go on
(23:07):
walks, even though I have apodcast and I listen to other
people's podcasts.
Sometimes I don't listen toanything just because I know my
brain needs that that time,absolutely, and I think to your
point, Michele.
Allie Hill (23:23):
I was listening.
Oh gosh, I listened to too many.
I'm going to give GabbyBernstein the credit for this,
but I'm not sure.
Going on a walk and I do thesame walk, whether it's here in
Maui or in Colorado.
I do basically the same walkstrying to find five new things.
Notice five new things, you'dbe surprised, whether it's a
(23:47):
leaf or a snowflake or I mean abird Five new things.
And when you do it, you're likeit gives your brain something
to focus on and it also keepsyou really present.
I love it.
Michele Folan (24:00):
Oh, that's a really good idea.
Usually I'm looking and like,oh, that house is for sale and I
like, pull up the MLS and Iwant to see how much it's on the
market.
For that's what I do when I'mon a walk.
Allie Hill (24:14):
Well, there, you noticed one.
Michele Folan (24:16):
You've got one down, I know right.
Oh, there you go.
You know what?
This is sometimes a pivot pointin people's lives where they
want to decide whether or not.
Do they want to go back to work?
Do they want to go volunteer?
How do you guide a clientthrough that process?
Allie Hill (24:39):
Often that is something that they show up with
and I think the only waythrough it is through it.
So you have to try it.
If you have ideas like, oftenI'll get somebody who had a
former career and they're like Iwas a nurse, do I want to go
back to nursing?
And we really try the idea on,I'm like, okay, do you want to
(25:00):
get up at five in the morning?
Do you want to have a 12 hourshift?
Do you want to?
And they're like, ooh, no, I'mlike, okay, so maybe a full-time
nursing job isn't it?
But what did you love aboutnursing?
Was it that you loved helping?
Was it that you loved theconnection with the patient?
But you know, and we reallykind of get, we go from large to
(25:21):
we get granular and we reallydissect what is it that really
lit you up about that?
How can we either recreate thator what other opportunities are
out there for you now?
Because there are.
You know, does it need to bepaid?
Could it be volunteer?
That's kind of the way we startthe process.
Okay, and you know, does itneed to be paid?
(25:41):
Could it be volunteer?
That's kind of the way we startthe process.
Michele Folan (25:43):
Okay, and you know we talked a little bit
about connection.
You know your client, the artclass.
How can women do a better jobat building or strengthening
their friendships in midlife,because sometimes those can kind
of go by the wayside when we'rereally busy with kids and
working or whatever we're doing?
Yes, what do we do there?
Allie Hill (26:05):
Well, I think it's a key question because I don't
think that it's covered enough.
I actually, I think in the bookhave a chapter called where are
Phoebe, Rachel and Monica whenyou need them?
Where did my friends go?
Because for me my daughter'sfriends were my built-in friend
(26:25):
network.
But then when we weren't insync, you know, because they
still had other raising, otherkids, I was sort of odd girl out
and I'm like, oh, now what?
Well, now is the time to kindof walk the talk.
Remember when we would send ourkids to into preschool or to
kindergarten and say, go, make afriend smile, reach out, and
(26:48):
I'm like, okay, I guess I haveto do that.
Start small.
I start with my Amazon deliveryman.
I start with Starbucks.
I started the grocery store.
My daughter will tell you I'mthe most embarrassing person now
to go to stand in line at agrocery store with, because I'll
be like, oh, juicy fruit, huh.
(27:08):
I just strike up conversations.
I didn't used to be this way,but I think I got lonely and I
just craved connection and now Isort of do it.
Naturally.
The weird thing is I'm anintrovert.
I also know that connectionright there in the target line.
It's a short-lived thing.
It's going to come and it'sgoing to end.
(27:28):
So I think I'm practicing there.
But I think if we want ameaningful connection then we
need to start with.
You know whether it's like thewoman who went and did the
watercolor connection.
Think about your interests,think about what you might want
to do.
Do you want to be part of abook club?
Think about those kind ofmeetups and walking club.
(27:50):
There are a million clubs.
If you're not a club person,maybe reach back.
Reach back to your old friendsand reconnect.
There is nothing better thangetting a text, or even better
yet and I'm terrible because Itext people rather than call a
phone call from an old friendsaying hey, just thinking of you
, that's so nice.
(28:11):
There's never once that someonesays that where I go, ew, I go.
What?
That is so kind.
Thank you so much.
Michele Folan (28:20):
Let's do more of that, you know, this is where I
think it gets hard is that somewomen don't play Mahjong, they
don't play pickleball.
They suck at tennis.
They can maybe do nine holes ofgolf.
Maybe I'm explaining myselfhere.
(28:40):
Are you describing me right now, michelle?
I know I'm actually describingmyself, so I think it's hard
sometimes for women.
It's like you know, we'retalking about like finding your
interests, but it's finding agroup of people that don't do
those things too.
Allie Hill (29:00):
Right.
So I think you have to startsmall.
I mean I would start with whatI have.
So do you have?
I mean, I would start with whatI have.
So, do you have sisters,sister-in-laws, do you have old
friends?
Do you have people that youadmired before they were in your
community?
Do you have, you know, is yourmother still around?
(29:20):
Are there aunties Like, startwith your kind of built-in
community first and see ifreaching out to them feels good.
If not, if you want to haveconnection, you have to be
willing to put yourself out alittle bit.
And if you're not a groupperson like, if you're not a
person that is interested inthose sports or clubs, what
(29:43):
about going to the kind of likehow I started with the personal
development?
What about going to the kind oflike how I started with the
personal development?
What about putting yourself inthe room of?
You could go to Knitters,anonymous, I mean something.
I don't even know if there's aKnitters, but those kinds of
groups you want to havesomething in common with them.
Yeah, so you know whether it's.
(30:04):
There are a million groups.
You just have to find one thatyou're willing to put yourself
in the room and start slow andgive yourself that out.
You only have to be there for10 minutes.
It's like you're not signingsomething.
That's it I mean, that's how youmake.
(30:25):
I think that's how you make newfriends.
You know, being in a community.
What if you have a dog andyou're walking that dog at the
same time every day and you seethat one woman that looks kind
of cool you love her leggings orsomething.
She's out there with her dog.
What if you met her for a walkdate?
You know what if you just said,hey, I see you here at 8 am
(30:48):
every day?
Or what if you, even if you mether for a walk date?
You know what if you just said,hey, I see you here at 8 am
every day?
Or what if you, even if youcouldn't muster that because you
are put, you know, couldpotentially be setting yourself
up for rejection?
What if you just like, got upto her and you start walking and
chatting, start small, juststart.
Michele Folan (31:02):
Yeah, no, I like, I like that a lot.
This is we haven't talked aboutthis yet, but how can empty
nesting impact a marriage or apartnership?
How can couples reconnect afterthe kids fly the nest?
Allie Hill (31:20):
Well, it's a great question and it can go kind of.
I was going to say it can goeither way, but it can go many
ways.
I had going to say it can goeither way, but it can go many
ways.
You know, either you're.
I had a friend who said myhusband can't wait to get the
girls out of college.
She had two daughters close inage so that we can have I don't
know if you say sex on yourpodcast, I have that and so we
(31:42):
can, you know, reconnect allover the house.
I'm like wow, wow, that'ssomething.
I think they're much younger.
Okay, I think that what I wouldsay, what makes more sense to me
, is, realistically, like youare looking at your partner for
(32:04):
the first time in a long timewithout, maybe, the buffer or
the glue that kept you together.
Or maybe, maybe not.
Maybe you were great at reallyprioritizing your relationship
with your husband and, yes, youhad kids, but you were like this
is my primary relationship.
I wasn't that way.
I was kid first all the way andthen, when Izzy was going off
(32:25):
to college, I was sort of like,who are you?
But I actually started earlier.
I did start.
I think I made my husband go tocouples counseling.
Maybe when she was a senior Ithought we were going so that he
could kind of come up to speedon she's not seven anymore,
she's 17.
Can we get with the program?
(32:46):
Like I'm tired of shielding youfrom every thing like your,
your baby's growing up it reallyended up being a how can we
stop triangulating and how canwe be on the same side of things
so that when she departs tocollege we are the two connected
ones and boy learned a lot ofthings but it's still.
(33:08):
You're not in it till you're init.
You know, until she left therewere some things to do, and one
of them I can remember veryvividly was just dinner time.
You know, Jim comes home fromthe office, I'm, you know,
figuring out dinner and there wealways sat at the kind of the
counter, Jim, Izzy, myself, andthere was this huge space
(33:32):
between us and in the beginningdays I would just sort of look
at her place and finally Jimsaid why don't we scoot closer?
Why don't we sort of scootcloser and just getting used to
that?
There were a lot of things thatwe just had to adjust for that.
I kept looking for the manualAgain why I wrote the book.
(33:53):
Not that it's the definitivemanual, but it does address all
those things.
Michele Folan (33:58):
Yeah, I think that can be hard on a marriage
anyway.
But there's also just otherstuff, just an aging marriage,
right that it could probablycall some things out at that
point too, where we don't talk,right, yeah, and if we do talk,
(34:18):
it's always about the kids.
Allie Hill (34:20):
Yes, yes, well, I said to Jim, are we going to be
that couple that has to bringthat little box of like subject
cards to the table?
And you know, I mean I ofcourse I bought them and I'm
like they're sitting there, butthen there's, you know, for me
they're like not super relatable.
You just find you end upfinding your rhythm, but it's
(34:44):
going to take a little bit ofwork.
But it's going to take a littlebit of work and I think when
you can bring play and joy backinto it, that helps with every
aspect of the emptiness phase.
This does not have to be theworst, most terrible chapter of
your life.
If you can allow for thepossibility of fun and joy and
(35:07):
expansion and growth, it can bethe best.
Michele Folan (35:12):
Yeah.
So if you could go back andgive yourself advice, knowing
what you know now, what wouldyou say I'd?
Allie Hill (35:20):
First it's going to be okay, you're going to survive
.
It might not feel like it rightnow, but you will survive.
And it's going to take a littlewhile.
You're going to have to trysome things on some ideas that
you think are going to be thething and maybe they're not.
And that's just data, it's justgood experience.
(35:43):
But if you can remain open toall the possibilities and kind
of be a person of, yes, you'regoing to be amazed at how great
this next chapter can be.
You're going to grow more inthis chapter than any other
chapter of your life.
Michele Folan (36:03):
Yeah, that's nice , I love that.
Yeah, I love that yeah that'snice.
Allie Hill (36:11):
I love that, and maybe you'll learn to do keg
stands at parents weekend, or atleast again they're going to be
the do's and do not do's right.
I have never done a keg stand atparents weekend.
I want to just call that out.
I did see it and I wondered ifI would be that mom, because
there is a part of mypersonality that kind of like I
(36:32):
want to be young.
I also want to know if I couldphysically do it, but I just
think drinking beer upside down,it's just not a good idea at
any age.
Michele Folan (36:42):
No, no, not appealing, not appealing.
So, Allie, you work withclients.
What does that look like?
What do your programs look like?
Allie Hill (36:51):
Yeah, so I have a one-on-one program and that is
where I coach a clientone-on-one.
We have calls for an hour.
This is something where we justyou know someone will reach out
to me and we just uncover whatthey're struggling with, where
they want to go, and that's kindof you know, we do a deep dive
(37:12):
into creating a really greatnext chapter for them.
Otherwise, I have a your timeto shine program.
That's more of a group thingand we do the same thing but in
more of a community and a groupsetting.
So you're with a bunch of otherempty nest moms and there's
always the book, theGirlfriend's.
Michele Folan (37:30):
Guide yeah, the Girlfriend's Guide.
And where can people find your?
Allie Hill (37:34):
book.
They can get it wherever booksare sold.
So Amazon, barnes, noble.
My website elliehillcoachingcom.
Michele Folan (37:41):
Okay, and the book is called the Girlfriend's
Guide to Empty Nesting.
And I have one more questionfor you what is one of your
self-care non-negotiables?
Allie Hill (37:52):
I would say I have so many, but I'd say you have to
move.
Move your body for a little bit.
(38:14):
First thing in the morning.
Michele Folan (38:16):
Yep, I love it.
Very good advice, allie Hill.
This was so much fun.
It really was.
You're delightful and engagingand I hope people go and get the
book.
Allie Hill (38:28):
Oh, I hope so too.
Thank you so much, michelle.
I love being on here.
I love your podcast.
I think it helps so many women,so thank you.
Michele Folan (38:35):
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much, hey.
Thanks for tuning in.
Please rate and review the showwhere you listen to the podcast
.
And did you know that Askingfor a Friend is available now to
listen on YouTube?
You can subscribe to thepodcast there as well.
Your support is appreciated andit helps others find the show.
(38:56):
Thank you.
The day you've been preparing for finally
arrives.
The kids are out of the house,building their own lives, maybe
even living far away or startingfamilies of their own.
You thought you'd be ready, butnow you're standing in the
quiet wondering where do I fitin now?
If you're feeling a mix ofpride, sadness, excitement and
(00:23):
maybe even a little lost, you'renot alone.
Health, wellness, fitness andeverything in between.
We're removing the taboo fromwhat really matters in midlife.
I'm your host, Michele Folan,and this is Asking for a Friend.
(00:54):
Empty nesting is a huge lifeshift and, while it can feel
overwhelming, it's also anincredible opportunity to
rediscover you.
That's why I'm so excited tochat with Allie Hill, author of
the Girlfriend's Guide to EmptyNesting.
She's been through it herselfand brings a refreshing, honest
and even humorous take on how tonavigate this phase with
confidence and joy.
In this episode, we'll talkabout redefining your identity,
(01:16):
strengthening relationships andembracing the freedom that comes
with an empty nest.
If you've been struggling withwhat comes next, this
conversation is exactly what youneed.
Allie Hill, welcome to Askingfor a Friend.
Thank you, michelle.
It's so great to be here and Ihave to tell you.
Allie is in Hawaii right nowand I'm very jealous.
(01:40):
She's, you know, wearing hertank top, got her little beads
on and I'm in a mock turtleneck.
Allie Hill (01:49):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry you suck.
Next time we do it in person.
How's that Okay?
Michele Folan (01:56):
All right, That'd be great.
If I can come to Hawaii, thatwould be awesome.
You know I was drawn to you onInstagram because I thought your
story was so relatable andrelatable to so many women.
I would love for you to justtell the audience a little bit
about you and we'll dive intoyour personal story.
Allie Hill (02:19):
Sure.
So I am a mother, I have onedaughter, her name's Izzy.
She's 25.
I'm married, I have a doghopefully a puppy on the way and
I know well, pray to the puppygods.
And I was a journalist beforebeing a life coach.
So I grew up in Colorado andthen went to college in
(02:43):
California and started my careerin California as a journalist
and I was fashion beauty home.
I think I'm a person who's justcurious and likes to ask
questions and, you know, couplethat with decent, adequate
writing skills and journalism.
That was just.
That was easy.
When I moved back to Coloradoand I guess what was that?
(03:07):
I always want to say that it'slike 2005, but it was 1995.
It's hard to do the 90s, butthat just feels like a whole
nother century ago.
It was a really long time agoAllie, I know no one's ever
heard of the 90s.
I kind of had to reinventmyself just then and it was like
, okay, there's no real sorryColorado fashion in Colorado, so
(03:31):
I'm going to have to findanother career.
And I did a bunch of things,but really what became my career
was being a wife and then a mom, and I dove into that
wholeheartedly.
Like when you have one child,you well I'll speak from my own
personal experience I said yesto everything.
I was the room mom, I was thelacrosse mom, I was the.
(03:56):
I think that if my daughterwanted to do it, we said yes, if
we could, if you know, if wecould swing it, because I didn't
have to be in seven otherplaces at the same time.
So when she left in 2017 andshe went to college out of state
, I say she took her bags andher belongings and my heart and
(04:17):
my purpose with her.
Michele Folan (04:21):
I know right.
So you were one of those moms,but the mom that I couldn't be
because I was traveling andworking and so I was envious of
you.
Allie Hill (04:33):
Oh my gosh, I was envious of you that you had
something else than your wholefocus devoted to your child.
I'm like I should really bedoing something I should
probably be making money.
You know, it's always the grassis greener right, Exactly.
Michele Folan (04:48):
And maybe there is a happy medium somewhere in
there.
But yeah, I was excited when Icould work in the lunchroom one
day or do playground duty.
That was a big deal.
You know when.
Allie Hill (04:59):
I could swing that.
Michele Folan (05:01):
That was just a Wednesday for me.
Yeah, I see, okay.
So this is going to be a funconversation I could have.
So, this moment when Izzy goesoff to school, how are you
feeling?
Because sometimes there's thatexcitement and then there's the
tears and the boo-hoo and theboo-hoo, I think that I had been
(05:24):
what do they call it?
Allie Hill (05:25):
Rehearsing, rehearsing for this moment,
rehearsing, not tragedy it's nota tragedy that she's going to
college, but rehearsing,grieving, you know, grieving in
advance.
Really, kind of middle of herjunior year, that whole senior,
the year of lasts, I waspracticing, practicing, being
(05:45):
sad, practicing like oh, that'sso sad, but at the same time I
was so happy and proud and Iknew like my daughter was living
her best life, like no onecould get out of the house
faster than my daughter, whichwas a little bit insulting.
But at the same time I'm like,okay, I guess she feels
confident, she feels independent.
(06:06):
I did something right, exceptfor the part when it came to me,
right?
So bittersweet really is theword of the day when it comes,
at least for me, for that firstfew weeks and months.
Honestly, it was uh, might'veeven been years.
It took a while.
Michele Folan (06:26):
Okay, what surprised you most about this
phase of life?
Allie Hill (06:30):
Okay, I think in the beginning it was that it did
take so long.
I thought because, um, rightafter Izzy left, like just by
serendipity, a friend uh gave mean email about becoming a life
coach and it was Martha Beck'sprogram, and so I did that.
So, 2017, I went through herprogram, which was a godsend to
(06:52):
give me focus and give mestructure and just gave me
something to wake up in themorning for.
But I thought the minute Ithink it was a six month program
.
I thought, okay, I'm doing thisthing and now I'm going to feel
better.
But it's not like six monthprogram.
I thought, okay, I'm doing thisthing and now I'm going to feel
better.
But it's not like I woke up andwas like, oh, I've got a purpose
again, got it all figured out.
(07:12):
It wasn't that.
So there was a it took a lot, alittle bit longer than I
thought.
But once I sort of relaxed intolooking for other possibilities
and other openings, I wassurprised about how terrific
empty nesting life could be.
(07:33):
Once I embraced it, once I waslike this could be fun.
Jim and I can pick up.
If we have a puppy sitter and ahouse sitter, we can go
wherever we want, I can try newthings.
It was really a mindset shiftthat needed to happen.
Michele Folan (07:48):
Yeah, that was going to be my next question.
Were there unexpected joys thatyou had during this time?
Allie Hill (07:55):
Yeah, there were a lot of unexpected joys I think
that reconnecting with myhusband, which, again, I'm not
going to say that.
Everything was like I dream ofJeannie and I blinked and
everything was like Ooh, we arehot and heavy again.
Ooh, I have my purpose again.
There was none of that.
There was a lot of trial anderror, like, let me try this,
(08:16):
let me let me.
In the coaching world, we talkabout, like putting a shirt on
and seeing if it fits, and if itdoesn't, we discard it and we
don't make a big deal out of it,we just put it back on.
So I was like wait 2017, Ithink I'm going to be a life
coach.
Well, guess what?
No, I wasn't ready to becoaching other people.
I was really ready to becoaching myself and be learning
(08:39):
other new developmental things,but I was in no shape.
Their new developmental things,but I was in no shape to be
helping anybody at that time.
But there were still amazing.
I had not focused on myself.
So I think that I finding otherthings to learn and grow, that
that seemed to be my, that wasmy mantra.
You know, the year of yes, likeShonda Rhimes says, but mine
(09:03):
was all personal development.
So I was like, anytime aseminar or something came up in
my area, I'm like, I'm a yes,what can I get from that?
Michele Folan (09:10):
Oh, I love that, though you know, because you
weren't going to just sit athome and you know cry and you
know text your daughter, I'msure you did plenty of that too
right.
Allie Hill (09:24):
She had to sit me down at parents weekend and tell
me you know, mom, I love youand it really hurts.
She said it hurts her feelingsto have to not take my call and
not text me back.
She said I don't want to behurting you, but it's a bit much
, so is there any way you candial it back a little?
And then we, you know, and itwas just I got to say to her
(09:46):
thank you for saying that to me.
I have never done this before.
This is my.
You're my first and only childand I've never done this and
we're super close and I used totalk to you a million times a
day and now I'm retrainingmyself to know that it's okay to
what text you what twice once,wait for your call.
What's the new way wecommunicate and why?
(10:10):
Was that a learning curve?
Michele Folan (10:11):
What advice do you have, then, for moms that
are sending their kids off toschool or sending them off to
the big city to start theircareers right, because that's
the other phase that we aredealing with or they're getting
married, yeah.
What are your tips on settingboundaries on communication?
Allie Hill (10:36):
I think number one, everything is have a
conversation.
I mean have a conversationbeforehand, if you can.
I often hear from my friends,my clients certainly it was
myself.
They're in the middle of it.
There was no beforehandconversation.
It's never too late to have theconversation, but let your
child or adult listen, childknow that you love them, you
(10:59):
want to be in communication withthem, you don't want to
overstep but it's important toyou.
I have a, I have a daughter.
I for me, it was safety.
It was always came down to areyou okay?
So we came up with a system ofyou know.
It was those dreaded Thursday,friday, saturday nights where I
would be like, even when I'm inColorado and she's in Arizona, I
(11:28):
would still worry, but shewould just text me home.
You know whether it was 10, 10PM or 1 AM or 3 AM.
And this is a tip for a pro tipDon't track your child.
I mean you can, but don't trackthem at three in the morning if
you don't want an answer Likeyou might not like what you're
seeing and so just don't do it.
My husband did that, you know,and he's like why?
(11:48):
Well, I shouldn't go in there?
Why is she there at three inthe morning.
I'm like mm-hmm.
Michele Folan (11:59):
I just don't think you should ask questions
you don't want the answers to.
Well, here's the question iswhere were we at 3 am when we
were in college?
Exactly?
Allie Hill (12:06):
Michele, and I could certainly like I forgot to ask
myself that.
I'm certain my husband forgotthat or he's thinking I know
exactly where I was and it's notwhere I want my daughter.
Michele Folan (12:19):
No, yeah, where I was and it's not where I want
my daughter.
No, yeah, we don't need to talkabout those stories right now,
because my daughters do listento this podcast.
Do they?
Yeah, I love it.
Okay, we'll keep it PG.
Yeah, we're going to take aquick break, and when we come
back I want to talk about theGirlfriend's Guide to Empty
Nesting Skipping breakfast orgrabbing a protein bar, a salad
(12:46):
for lunch, an okay dinner, andyou wonder why you're not losing
weight.
Listen, I get it.
You're trying to be good, butmidlife metabolism doesn't work
that way.
Eating less isn't the answer.
Eating right is.
In my six-week midlife reset,I'll show you how to fuel your
body for fat loss withoutstarving yourself.
(13:09):
Train in a way that actuallyreshapes your body and finally
break free from the cycle offrustration.
But you have to take that firststep.
Doors close soon, don't wait.
Click the link in the shownotes and let's get to work.
All right, we're back, and youare a writer, and so did that
(13:33):
make total sense to you at thispoint to write a book about your
experience.
Allie Hill (13:38):
I mean it did.
I have been writing booksforever.
I've been writing chapters ofbooks, whether it was a memoir,
whether it was my you know, oh,those mean girls in middle
school.
I wrote a book to you.
I wrote a book to you know allthe ex-boyfriends.
I've been writing books forever, but they were they were so me
centric and I could never.
(14:00):
They were so me centric and Icould never.
I could never finish them.
The minute I I'd been coaching,let's say for specifically
emptiness moms for about threeor four years, the minute I had
the idea of writing a book forthem, it just flowed.
It was less about me.
It has definitely myexperiences, but it's also a lot
(14:20):
of my clients' experiences, myfriends.
It's just.
And then I did rewrite the bookseveral times.
So I wrote it very first Iwrote it like, oh my gosh, you
poor, poor mom.
Oh, just let's cuddle up andcry together.
I wrote it like that.
And then I was like, ah, that'snot, that's, I wouldn't want to
(14:42):
read that.
Then I wrote it like snap outof it, come on.
I was like that's not very kind.
And then I kind of combinedpractical information with real
heartfelt, hopefully relatablestories and decent strategies
and I was like that's the bookthat I wish I'd had.
And I was like that's the bookthat I wish I'd had.
Michele Folan (15:02):
Oh, yeah, so the title of the book is the
Girlfriend's Guide to EmptyNesting.
And then how did writing thebook help you process your own
empty nest journey?
Allie Hill (15:14):
I got to do a lot of revisiting the stories.
You know that I so Izzy hadbeen out of the house for, oh,
she was still in college when Iwas writing it.
She was just probably in hersenior year and I got to go back
and really think about, oh,where was I at the beginning,
(15:36):
where was I when I dropped heroff?
Where, what did I need right inthat moment?
And then kind of all thedifferent phases, and it really
helped, having had, you know,four years of coaching other
women, that I didn't want it tobe the Allie show.
It was very much all thegirlfriends, all the women in my
lives, like let's take this one, let's take that one.
(15:56):
I loved revisiting the stories,but then I had to do my first.
Two readers had to be myhusband and my daughter because
they figured very prominently inthe book and I had to make sure
they were okay with all thestories I included.
Michele Folan (16:12):
Were they okay with everything they were.
Allie Hill (16:15):
I was really surprised.
I, because I didn't hold back.
It's not like I, you know,Christ.
I because I didn't hold back,it's not like I, you know,
painted them in unflatteringplaces, but I, I mean, I did the
unvarnished truth.
And, most of all, who do I callout the most?
Me, because this is not, thisisn't a guide to everything I
did right.
This is do this definitely,please, don't, don't, don't,
(16:36):
don't, do this Right, and so onand so forth don't don't do this
Right, and so on and so forth.
Michele Folan (16:45):
So what do you hope readers take away from the
book?
Is there one message that'smost important to you?
Allie Hill (16:49):
I think that you know, when I learned that there
were 22.2 million empty nestmoms right now in the world
empty nest moms right now in theworld Just that alone helped me
go, even though you can feelsuper alone and alone in your
(17:09):
process.
For me, my daughter had allthese girlfriends and I had
their mothers as friends and Ithought we were all in it
together.
But I have an only child andthey still had children below,
so they still had siblings toparent.
I felt very alone.
I felt like I didn't, likenobody had ever gone through
(17:30):
this before.
So I'm hoping that the book isa beacon of hope, of possibility
.
I hope it really.
You know it can be a roadmap tocreating your next chapter, but
really I just hope thatsomebody goes.
Oh, she sees me, she gets me, Iget it.
(17:50):
You know something like that.
Michele Folan (17:51):
So what advice do you give to women who are
struggling with that?
I think it's that loneliness,or they feel stuck because they
always had something that theyhad to be doing and now, all of
a sudden, that thing isn't thereany longer.
Allie Hill (18:10):
Yeah, I would say start small.
It's almost like I waslistening to another one of your
podcast guests and I was like,oh, I say the same thing, little
baby steps it's.
You know, make a commitment tosomething for you to do in the
morning and do it every day, andI don't care if it's having
your four ounces of water or ifit's texting your best friend.
(18:35):
Do something, build up a littleconsistency, because then
you're going to start trustingyourself more and you're going
to be like okay, it's also goodto have a reason to get up in
the morning.
For me, that structure of thatclass, that certification helped
.
But what I would say, if we'rejust starting from scratch and
somebody comes to me, I wouldreally talk about who they were
(18:58):
before they had kids.
What did you love?
What were your dreams?
What were your desires?
What did you do?
What did you find yourself lostin?
Were you a stamp collector?
Were you a gardener?
Were you a walker?
Were you captain of your flagfootball team?
I don't know.
You didn't become a human beingthe minute you were a mother.
(19:21):
You did have years before that.
So revisit those and then maybenone of them fit right now.
Maybe those are all things thatyou did in your 20s or
something, or teens or 20s or30s, but there might be some
glimmers and going forward, beopen to all the possibilities
(19:43):
and what I mean by that.
I have a story.
I think I'm pretty sure I putit in the book but it
illustrates it perfectly.
It was from a client who toldme that she didn't know what to
do next.
She just had no idea.
And as we're talking she'stelling me.
She's like but I'm getting allthese postcards in the mail and
they're like brochures, they'repostcards of art, gallery
(20:06):
openings, they're like reallycool, and I am not an artist.
And she said but she foundherself like putting them on her
desk and putting them aroundher house because they brought
her such joy.
And maybe a week or two latershe was having coffee with a
friend and I think maybe she wasat Starbucks.
But she saw on the bulletinboard it said free watercoloring
(20:28):
class and it had those littletags where you pull the number
down.
And she's like, okay, I'm goingto do it.
And it turns out it was laterthat day.
It was like Sunday night atfive o'clock and as Sunday
approached she's like what inthe world was I thinking I don't
want to go.
She made a big deal withherself.
She's like I'll just show upfor five minutes.
If I don't like it, I'll leave.
(20:50):
She went, she took the class.
She didn't know anybody in theclass, she'd never watercolored
before, but she stayed and she'slike wow, I like this.
We didn't talk for a couple ofweeks.
She said she went back everySunday and realized that she
(21:16):
liked to watercolor.
So what that illustrates to meoh, no pun intended is that just
be open.
Be open to the breadcrumbs thatlife is showing you, whether
it's a postcard, what's lightingyou up?
Pay attention to those sparks.
Michele Folan (21:29):
You know the other thing too it's not just
the art class, it's thecommunity, yes Of other people
that are maybe going throughsomething similar.
Right?
The other thing too do we haveto learn to be alone with
ourselves a little bit?
Allie Hill (21:49):
I think so.
I think that it's funny.
I crave alone time, but latelyI've been filling it up with
social media, listening topodcasts, and I'm like that's
not really alone.
So, yeah, I think we would allbenefit for a little alone time,
(22:11):
because how else are yousupposed to hear the messages
that are coming in?
I believe in messages from theuniverse.
I don't know if that'ssomething that resonates with
your listeners, but how do weget, whether you think of it as
God or the universe, or your ownintuition how are you supposed
(22:32):
to hear it if you don't makespace for it?
Right, I agree, you know that'swhen maybe meditation or
journaling, or a walk, or justsome time to sit on the beach
and think.
Michele Folan (22:45):
Yeah.
Allie Hill (22:46):
How often do we do that?
Michele Folan (22:47):
We don't.
I wear my red light maskbecause that's the only way I'm
going to sit still long enough,because I'm terrible at like I
can't even do yoga.
It's not like quick enough forme.
And what I've tried to do,Allie, is I try to when I go on
(23:07):
walks, even though I have apodcast and I listen to other
people's podcasts.
Sometimes I don't listen toanything just because I know my
brain needs that that time,absolutely, and I think to your
point, Michele.
Allie Hill (23:23):
I was listening.
Oh gosh, I listened to too many.
I'm going to give GabbyBernstein the credit for this,
but I'm not sure.
Going on a walk and I do thesame walk, whether it's here in
Maui or in Colorado.
I do basically the same walkstrying to find five new things.
Notice five new things, you'dbe surprised, whether it's a
(23:47):
leaf or a snowflake or I mean abird Five new things.
And when you do it, you're likeit gives your brain something
to focus on and it also keepsyou really present.
I love it.
Michele Folan (24:00):
Oh, that's a really good idea.
Usually I'm looking and like,oh, that house is for sale and I
like, pull up the MLS and Iwant to see how much it's on the
market.
For that's what I do when I'mon a walk.
Allie Hill (24:14):
Well, there, you noticed one.
Michele Folan (24:16):
You've got one down, I know right.
Oh, there you go.
You know what?
This is sometimes a pivot pointin people's lives where they
want to decide whether or not.
Do they want to go back to work?
Do they want to go volunteer?
How do you guide a clientthrough that process?
Allie Hill (24:39):
Often that is something that they show up with
and I think the only waythrough it is through it.
So you have to try it.
If you have ideas like, oftenI'll get somebody who had a
former career and they're like Iwas a nurse, do I want to go
back to nursing?
And we really try the idea on,I'm like, okay, do you want to
(25:00):
get up at five in the morning?
Do you want to have a 12 hourshift?
Do you want to?
And they're like, ooh, no, I'mlike, okay, so maybe a full-time
nursing job isn't it?
But what did you love aboutnursing?
Was it that you loved helping?
Was it that you loved theconnection with the patient?
But you know, and we reallykind of get, we go from large to
(25:21):
we get granular and we reallydissect what is it that really
lit you up about that?
How can we either recreate thator what other opportunities are
out there for you now?
Because there are.
You know, does it need to bepaid?
Could it be volunteer?
That's kind of the way we startthe process.
Okay, and you know, does itneed to be paid?
(25:41):
Could it be volunteer?
That's kind of the way we startthe process.
Michele Folan (25:43):
Okay, and you know we talked a little bit
about connection.
You know your client, the artclass.
How can women do a better jobat building or strengthening
their friendships in midlife,because sometimes those can kind
of go by the wayside when we'rereally busy with kids and
working or whatever we're doing?
Yes, what do we do there?
Allie Hill (26:05):
Well, I think it's a key question because I don't
think that it's covered enough.
I actually, I think in the bookhave a chapter called where are
Phoebe, Rachel and Monica whenyou need them?
Where did my friends go?
Because for me my daughter'sfriends were my built-in friend
(26:25):
network.
But then when we weren't insync, you know, because they
still had other raising, otherkids, I was sort of odd girl out
and I'm like, oh, now what?
Well, now is the time to kindof walk the talk.
Remember when we would send ourkids to into preschool or to
kindergarten and say, go, make afriend smile, reach out, and
(26:48):
I'm like, okay, I guess I haveto do that.
Start small.
I start with my Amazon deliveryman.
I start with Starbucks.
I started the grocery store.
My daughter will tell you I'mthe most embarrassing person now
to go to stand in line at agrocery store with, because I'll
be like, oh, juicy fruit, huh.
(27:08):
I just strike up conversations.
I didn't used to be this way,but I think I got lonely and I
just craved connection and now Isort of do it.
Naturally.
The weird thing is I'm anintrovert.
I also know that connectionright there in the target line.
It's a short-lived thing.
It's going to come and it'sgoing to end.
(27:28):
So I think I'm practicing there.
But I think if we want ameaningful connection then we
need to start with.
You know whether it's like thewoman who went and did the
watercolor connection.
Think about your interests,think about what you might want
to do.
Do you want to be part of abook club?
Think about those kind ofmeetups and walking club.
(27:50):
There are a million clubs.
If you're not a club person,maybe reach back.
Reach back to your old friendsand reconnect.
There is nothing better thangetting a text, or even better
yet and I'm terrible because Itext people rather than call a
phone call from an old friendsaying hey, just thinking of you
, that's so nice.
(28:11):
There's never once that someonesays that where I go, ew, I go.
What?
That is so kind.
Thank you so much.
Michele Folan (28:20):
Let's do more of that, you know, this is where I
think it gets hard is that somewomen don't play Mahjong, they
don't play pickleball.
They suck at tennis.
They can maybe do nine holes ofgolf.
Maybe I'm explaining myselfhere.
(28:40):
Are you describing me right now, michelle?
I know I'm actually describingmyself, so I think it's hard
sometimes for women.
It's like you know, we'retalking about like finding your
interests, but it's finding agroup of people that don't do
those things too.
Allie Hill (29:00):
Right.
So I think you have to startsmall.
I mean I would start with whatI have.
So do you have?
I mean, I would start with whatI have.
So, do you have sisters,sister-in-laws, do you have old
friends?
Do you have people that youadmired before they were in your
community?
Do you have, you know, is yourmother still around?
(29:20):
Are there aunties Like, startwith your kind of built-in
community first and see ifreaching out to them feels good.
If not, if you want to haveconnection, you have to be
willing to put yourself out alittle bit.
And if you're not a groupperson like, if you're not a
person that is interested inthose sports or clubs, what
(29:43):
about going to the kind of likehow I started with the personal
development?
What about going to the kind oflike how I started with the
personal development?
What about putting yourself inthe room of?
You could go to Knitters,anonymous, I mean something.
I don't even know if there's aKnitters, but those kinds of
groups you want to havesomething in common with them.
Yeah, so you know whether it's.
(30:04):
There are a million groups.
You just have to find one thatyou're willing to put yourself
in the room and start slow andgive yourself that out.
You only have to be there for10 minutes.
It's like you're not signingsomething.
That's it I mean, that's how youmake.
(30:25):
I think that's how you make newfriends.
You know, being in a community.
What if you have a dog andyou're walking that dog at the
same time every day and you seethat one woman that looks kind
of cool you love her leggings orsomething.
She's out there with her dog.
What if you met her for a walkdate?
You know what if you just said,hey, I see you here at 8 am
(30:48):
every day?
Or what if you, even if you mether for a walk date?
You know what if you just said,hey, I see you here at 8 am
every day?
Or what if you, even if youcouldn't muster that because you
are put, you know, couldpotentially be setting yourself
up for rejection?
What if you just like, got upto her and you start walking and
chatting, start small, juststart.
Michele Folan (31:02):
Yeah, no, I like, I like that a lot.
This is we haven't talked aboutthis yet, but how can empty
nesting impact a marriage or apartnership?
How can couples reconnect afterthe kids fly the nest?
Allie Hill (31:20):
Well, it's a great question and it can go kind of.
I was going to say it can goeither way, but it can go many
ways.
I had going to say it can goeither way, but it can go many
ways.
You know, either you're.
I had a friend who said myhusband can't wait to get the
girls out of college.
She had two daughters close inage so that we can have I don't
know if you say sex on yourpodcast, I have that and so we
(31:42):
can, you know, reconnect allover the house.
I'm like wow, wow, that'ssomething.
I think they're much younger.
Okay, I think that what I wouldsay, what makes more sense to me
, is, realistically, like youare looking at your partner for
(32:04):
the first time in a long timewithout, maybe, the buffer or
the glue that kept you together.
Or maybe, maybe not.
Maybe you were great at reallyprioritizing your relationship
with your husband and, yes, youhad kids, but you were like this
is my primary relationship.
I wasn't that way.
I was kid first all the way andthen, when Izzy was going off
(32:25):
to college, I was sort of like,who are you?
But I actually started earlier.
I did start.
I think I made my husband go tocouples counseling.
Maybe when she was a senior Ithought we were going so that he
could kind of come up to speedon she's not seven anymore,
she's 17.
Can we get with the program?
(32:46):
Like I'm tired of shielding youfrom every thing like your,
your baby's growing up it reallyended up being a how can we
stop triangulating and how canwe be on the same side of things
so that when she departs tocollege we are the two connected
ones and boy learned a lot ofthings but it's still.
(33:08):
You're not in it till you're init.
You know, until she left therewere some things to do, and one
of them I can remember veryvividly was just dinner time.
You know, Jim comes home fromthe office, I'm, you know,
figuring out dinner and there wealways sat at the kind of the
counter, Jim, Izzy, myself, andthere was this huge space
(33:32):
between us and in the beginningdays I would just sort of look
at her place and finally Jimsaid why don't we scoot closer?
Why don't we sort of scootcloser and just getting used to
that?
There were a lot of things thatwe just had to adjust for that.
I kept looking for the manualAgain why I wrote the book.
(33:53):
Not that it's the definitivemanual, but it does address all
those things.
Michele Folan (33:58):
Yeah, I think that can be hard on a marriage
anyway.
But there's also just otherstuff, just an aging marriage,
right that it could probablycall some things out at that
point too, where we don't talk,right, yeah, and if we do talk,
(34:18):
it's always about the kids.
Allie Hill (34:20):
Yes, yes, well, I said to Jim, are we going to be
that couple that has to bringthat little box of like subject
cards to the table?
And you know, I mean I ofcourse I bought them and I'm
like they're sitting there, butthen there's, you know, for me
they're like not super relatable.
You just find you end upfinding your rhythm, but it's
(34:44):
going to take a little bit ofwork.
But it's going to take a littlebit of work and I think when
you can bring play and joy backinto it, that helps with every
aspect of the emptiness phase.
This does not have to be theworst, most terrible chapter of
your life.
If you can allow for thepossibility of fun and joy and
(35:07):
expansion and growth, it can bethe best.
Michele Folan (35:12):
Yeah.
So if you could go back andgive yourself advice, knowing
what you know now, what wouldyou say I'd?
Allie Hill (35:20):
First it's going to be okay, you're going to survive
.
It might not feel like it rightnow, but you will survive.
And it's going to take a littlewhile.
You're going to have to trysome things on some ideas that
you think are going to be thething and maybe they're not.
And that's just data, it's justgood experience.
(35:43):
But if you can remain open toall the possibilities and kind
of be a person of, yes, you'regoing to be amazed at how great
this next chapter can be.
You're going to grow more inthis chapter than any other
chapter of your life.
Michele Folan (36:03):
Yeah, that's nice , I love that.
Yeah, I love that yeah that'snice.
Allie Hill (36:11):
I love that, and maybe you'll learn to do keg
stands at parents weekend, or atleast again they're going to be
the do's and do not do's right.
I have never done a keg stand atparents weekend.
I want to just call that out.
I did see it and I wondered ifI would be that mom, because
there is a part of mypersonality that kind of like I
(36:32):
want to be young.
I also want to know if I couldphysically do it, but I just
think drinking beer upside down,it's just not a good idea at
any age.
Michele Folan (36:42):
No, no, not appealing, not appealing.
So, Allie, you work withclients.
What does that look like?
What do your programs look like?
Allie Hill (36:51):
Yeah, so I have a one-on-one program and that is
where I coach a clientone-on-one.
We have calls for an hour.
This is something where we justyou know someone will reach out
to me and we just uncover whatthey're struggling with, where
they want to go, and that's kindof you know, we do a deep dive
(37:12):
into creating a really greatnext chapter for them.
Otherwise, I have a your timeto shine program.
That's more of a group thingand we do the same thing but in
more of a community and a groupsetting.
So you're with a bunch of otherempty nest moms and there's
always the book, theGirlfriend's.
Michele Folan (37:30):
Guide yeah, the Girlfriend's Guide.
And where can people find your?
Allie Hill (37:34):
book.
They can get it wherever booksare sold.
So Amazon, barnes, noble.
My website elliehillcoachingcom.
Michele Folan (37:41):
Okay, and the book is called the Girlfriend's
Guide to Empty Nesting.
And I have one more questionfor you what is one of your
self-care non-negotiables?
Allie Hill (37:52):
I would say I have so many, but I'd say you have to
move.
Move your body for a little bit.
(38:14):
First thing in the morning.
Michele Folan (38:16):
Yep, I love it.
Very good advice, allie Hill.
This was so much fun.
It really was.
You're delightful and engagingand I hope people go and get the
book.
Allie Hill (38:28):
Oh, I hope so too.
Thank you so much, michelle.
I love being on here.
I love your podcast.
I think it helps so many women,so thank you.
Michele Folan (38:35):
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much, hey.
Thanks for tuning in.
Please rate and review the showwhere you listen to the podcast
.
And did you know that Askingfor a Friend is available now to
listen on YouTube?
You can subscribe to thepodcast there as well.
Your support is appreciated andit helps others find the show.
(38:56):
Thank you.
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