May 23, 2024 • 52 mins
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Erin (00:00):
Hi, and welcome back to a new episode of the aspire for
more with Aaron podcast where Iam honored and excited to have
Mrs.
Anna Ward Gunev with us.
She is a Former sales andmarketing director, but more
importantly, a boy, mom of twosmall boys, a digital creator,
(00:21):
and a woman who clearly liveslife on the sunny side.
We have come up with what webelieve to be, a pathway to
success inside senior living,the 12 steps of avoiding
burnout.
recovering from burnout,recognizing burnout.
(00:44):
what would you add to that?
Yeah, all of the above.
so I want you through our sharedexperiences of burnout, of
mistakes and choices and All ofthe above.
I feel like we are on tosomething.
So do you want to go through,your version of what those,
(01:06):
succinct steps, ideas, aframework that will help leaders
inside the senior living?
Anna (01:14):
Yeah, so I'm super excited about this topic.
Speaking of vulnerability, justa little background about
myself.
I have 12 years of sobriety,which I never shared in a
professional realm up until 2years ago when I turned 10 years
(01:36):
of sobriety.
And it just dawned on me, Icould help someone by sharing
this.
So I shared it and people that Ihad no idea were struggling
reached out to me.
For resources and help.
And that was like, that blew theroof off of my sobriety
(02:01):
birthday.
it just really made me realizethat the more vulnerable we are,
we can help people.
So I've been in recovery for 12years and in recovery, we use
these 12 steps.
I've really simplified it.
So if you're in recovery, don'tcome at me like these are not
(02:22):
the exact 12 steps.
they are, but they're justsimplified because we could talk
about this for a week, a month,and we have what, 30 minutes, so
we're going to dive into the 12steps.
As much as we can in 30 minutes.
So number one is awareness andacceptance of the problem.
(02:44):
So this can be applied toanything, right?
We apply it to addictions,alcohol, gambling, shopping,
eating, you name it.
There's a recovery program forit, but we can also apply it to
work, burnout, colleagues,bosses, clients, whatever the
(03:08):
problem is, you can take these12 steps.
And put it to that scenario.
So number one is awareness andacceptance of the problem.
Number two is we cannot helpourselves alone.
We must have a higher power.
I call my higher power God, butreligion gets a little sticky
(03:29):
wicket sometimes.
So we say higher power.
Number three, we gave our higherpower, our will, basically, we
are not in control number four.
We've made a list of ourpersonal conduct and we found
our part in it.
We'll get to that later.
I just personally, I think thatis 1 of the number 1s like
(03:51):
billboard shiny, bright lightsplashing.
Number 5, we shared that listwith another person.
Number 6, we're ready to haveour higher power remove these
defects.
Number 7, we asked our higherpower to remove our
shortcomings.
Number 8, we made a list ofpeople we hurt, and we were
(04:11):
ready to make amends.
Number nine, we made thoseamends to those people when
possible.
Ten, we make a daily list ofwhat happened that day and we
right our wrongs.
Eleven, we use prayer andmeditation to help us through
all of this.
And twelve, we help others.
(04:33):
So that is a very simple
Erin (04:35):
nutshell.
It's, I am, have not been a partof any 12 step program myself.
I have walked through thisjourney with, someone close to
me and the journey changed mylife.
The number one thing thatchanged my life was identifying
(04:57):
resentments.
Reasonably evil.
Understanding that the way thatI was feeling was actually a
very resentful way of feelingand it was about A lot of things
and I didn't understand that'swhat that was And then it was
like, Oh my God, the floodgatesopened.
(05:19):
things started to change.
I went, I had, who doesn't go tothe kitchen and eat everything
when they're emotional?
Number one.
So can I, could somebody tell methat I could never have to have
a piece of chocolate cake or anOreo ever again?
No.
so clearly I have an emotionaldependency on food.
I have an emotional dependencyon shopping.
So clearly.
(05:41):
It was through this person'sjourney that I was assisting
them with and being a part ofthat.
I realized that shopping was aproblem for me and it was a self
perpetuating problem when Iwanted to be debt free and yet
I'm buying everything It's justnot gonna work, right?
The maths don't math.
(06:02):
No, the maths don't math and sowe think very I will just let me
just say, I thought very poorlyfor a very, a judgmental
viewpoint on people who werestruggling with addiction.
And actually, when you take avery personable view on it, you
realize we all have the samestruggles.
(06:24):
We just don't view it the sameway and because it's not going
to kill me or other people.
I don't view it as alcohol ordrugs or whatever, but now I
have a very wide view of thatand understand it in a very
different capacity.
and these, this framework, this12 step framework can literally
(06:50):
change your life if you followit.
And you
Anna (06:53):
in so many capacities, and I've often thought even before I
was in a recovery program,because I grew up in recovery as
a little kid.
My dad was in a recoveryprogram.
So I grew up.
Vaguely knowing about the 12steps and saying the serenity
(07:18):
prayer my whole life, which wecan get into, but I've often
thought for decades.
That if the world worked with a12 steps,
Erin (07:30):
yes.
Anna (07:31):
Oh my goodness.
The world would be a muchhealthier, safer, more peaceful,
happy place.
Because this is really anincredible guidebook for how to
operate in life and how tooperate with your spouse, your
(07:52):
friend, your coworker, yourclient.
Thank you.
Erin (07:55):
If you
Anna (07:56):
name it, this is it.
I don't really see a much betterguidebook than this.
Erin (08:05):
Yeah, Brene Brown gave me the words when it came to
numbing emotions.
And whether or not you choosealcohol, or you choose drugs, or
you choose caregiving, or youchoose people pleasing, which
those are mine too, or youchoose problem solving,
shopping, sex, all the things.
(08:25):
It's all the same.
Yep.
So you don't get to look atsomebody and judge them because
their choice is different thanyours,
Anna (08:35):
right?
Yeah,
Erin (08:36):
I will judge you because you may drink too much, but I'm
sitting here.
Dying inside because I'm takingcare of everybody.
It's the same thing.
Yeah,
Anna (08:46):
exactly.
It is has a hole and a void inour heart and our soul that we
need to numb.
And fill with other thingsinstead of tackling that problem
that caused that whole head on.
Erin (09:04):
yeah.
So understanding and acceptingthat you have a problem,
whatever the problem is, let'sjust take away the fact that.
We're talking about recoverybecause that certainly turns
some people off.
I have a problem of feeling notenough, right?
that is a problem that has beena problem.
And it's probably a lot ofpeople's problems, even if they
(09:26):
don't talk about it.
It is, I am doing all of thisand it's not enough.
I got a community to a hundredpercent four times in a row this
time.
And it's just not enough.
and it's a perpetual, it's aperpetual cycle that if we don't
solve, if we don't identify thatas a problem, then our lives are
(09:52):
very black and white because webelieve it.
Anna (09:55):
Yeah, so if you ask 100 different people, what is the
most important step, you'regoing to hear 100 different
answers.
And ultimately, the right answeris every step is equally
important.
But if I had to pick a number 1,most important, if I just had
(10:15):
to, I would say number 1.
Because if you're not aware thatthere's a problem, then you're
never going to be able to workon it and fix it.
I think awareness is where itall begins, which is why it's
the 1st step and then accepting.
Acceptance, I think, is keybecause we're in constant denial
(10:39):
and this is going to change.
I'm going to do everything in mypower to get this person or this
situation to change.
Wow, you're going to be bangingyour head against the wall for a
very long time and it's going tobe very painful.
awareness and accepting of theproblem, I think, is the
foundation and key for all theother steps.
(11:02):
That's just my opinion.
Erin (11:03):
Oh, yeah.
When I came to the conclusion,there were patterns in my life
that I didn't like.
And I can give you a list of thereasons of why those patterns
happened and how I couldpotentially be looked at as the
victim, in each of those thingsthat I'm assessing.
But ultimately what comes downis I am the common denominator.
Anna (11:26):
Yeah, and that's where the 4th step comes in, which I also
think is, almost tied withnumber 1 extremely important.
because aside from.
children are victims and as somevery few rare scenarios, you're
(11:46):
a victim.
But as an adult, I would say 9.
9 times out of 10, there'shardly ever a situation where we
are a completely innocentvictim.
And for me, I always like to usethe example of setting
boundaries.
in my career as a salesdirector, I would, pretty
(12:10):
regular basis, get clients whoare very angry and upset.
Now I logically know thatthey're angry and upset with the
situation, what's going on withtheir loved one, finances,
paperwork, whatever the case maybe.
I logically know this, butthey're yelling at me.
(12:30):
They're cussing.
they are not treating me nicelyat all.
Okay.
That's not okay.
They should not be doing that.
They should not be raging at theperson across the table, trying
to help them.
Absolutely not.
But my part in it is.
I don't set boundaries.
I just sit there and take it.
(12:51):
I don't say, I'm not going tocontinue this conversation if
you're yelling and cussing.
I don't want to be spoken tolike that.
I don't say those things.
I just sit there and get dumpedon and that is my part.
A thousand percent.
Is not setting a boundary.
So
Erin (13:11):
it
Anna (13:11):
actually helps to know that I'm not an innocent victim
in this.
It's actually very empowering.
I have some control over thesituation and the control I have
is how I react.
And how I respond and what I do,I can't control the other person
yelling, but I can set aboundary and tell them to stop,
(13:32):
or I can walk away or, and Iknow it's nuanced.
I know that at work there'slayers and it's a lot harder in
a lot of situations, but at theend of the day, I think it's
always helpful to reflect onwhat was our part and our
responsibility and thatsituation.
Erin (13:50):
Yeah.
It's responsibility andaccountability.
And the accountability part ofit is literally what propels you
to a better version of you.
it, I wish that people wouldhear that when you take
accountability, like what Annajust said for her part in a
situation that she probablywasn't even responsible for.
(14:14):
And I have found myself in thatsituation and I just let them go
because I felt like that's whatthey needed.
But inside it was seeping in andit was affecting me, but I was
more worried about them gettingit all out instead of me saying,
Hey, We're not going to havethis conversation until you're a
little bit more calm and readyto talk about this.
(14:34):
This conversation is importantto me, and I want to hear what
you have to say.
It's just, I can't hear it withthe words that you're saying,
you know what I mean?
I can't tell you that I, I didthat and early parts of
leadership towards the endinside of the community.
I did that a little bit better,or I would get really silly and
I would be like, can we talk ina different tone?
(14:56):
can we just tone it down
Anna (14:57):
a
Erin (14:58):
bit?
You know what I mean?
humor is a good diffuser forsure.
yes, but the accountabilitypiece, what changed my life was
understanding.
There's a root cause analysis asto why I find myself in the same
position, even though all myoutcomes are what everybody
(15:20):
wants.
Why do I have this same thinghappening?
I got to figure that out.
I got to figure that out.
And it changed my life.
It changed my life.
Yeah, it really is holdingmyself accountable in every
situation.
Good and bad.
What did you do?
What did you do wrong?
(15:40):
Yes.
And then, number four, right?
with the emphasis on that part,then you figure out, do I need
to go and do something?
Do I need to, I want to tellthis story because I think this
is really good and it probablywe're jumping steps here and
frameworks, but it's a good tiein over the past few years.
I've been.
I've been really, solving theI'm not enough equation.
(16:02):
what steps do I need to take tofeel enough, to be enough, to,
if it doesn't go my way, I'mstill enough.
that kind of thing early so thatI can read that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So early on in my career, therewas a, we'll just call him a
mean boy.
I was an early, A very youngexecutive director who probably
(16:24):
didn't have any business beingan executive director, but I was
successful at it.
Even though I didn't have amentor or even a leader because
the people that promoted me leftand I had no one for about six
months.
Anyways, a new regional directorcame in and this person didn't
want me.
(16:45):
I knew it from the verybeginning.
He didn't want me.
I'm too young.
I was going to require,attention from him.
And.
The first opportunity he got, hemoved on for me, even though my
employee satisfaction scoregrew, my, associate satisfaction
score grew.
We were in the high 90percentile or NOI was fine.
(17:05):
There were a few things here andthere was.
There were some things that, ofcourse, a young ED didn't really
understand and I was fixingthose too.
But it wasn't good enough and wemoved on and it was soul
crushing.
I loved that community.
I wanted to be the vicepresident of that company.
Like I, I was giving everythingto that and I stayed on the
(17:26):
floor for at least a week afterthat.
So I see this man every year.
At a conference, I see him andevery year I cower and I shrink
from him.
He makes me Think every time Ilook at him.
He makes me think of thatversion of myself Even though
(17:46):
i've you know grown and beensuccessful at other places and I
didn't even do anything wrong,right?
last year Actually this year inmarch because i'm so sensitive
to Knowing my worth Because thatis a root cause analysis for me,
from a professional standpoint,that interaction was a root
(18:07):
cause analysis for me.
I went to him and I made amends,like I literally took this step
for real.
And I went to him and I shookhis hand and I said, Hi, you no
longer have power over me.
I will no longer feel less thanin your presence.
And, how are you, I hope thatyou have, I hope you're doing
(18:30):
well, and he apologized and, Iwill never have to feel that way
again in his presence.
Anna (18:36):
Wow.
Erin (18:37):
That gives
Anna (18:38):
me major chills,
Erin (18:42):
right?
All this.
I would never have been able todo that without these steps,
understanding, knowing,identifying, right?
Never would I have been able todo that.
Wow,
Anna (18:53):
that's incredible.
It's so powerful and such arelease of that heaviness Yeah,
I love that and it's so brave
Erin (19:06):
Yes there I can't even begin to describe to you what
it's like.
I didn't even have control overmy body It was like I felt That
feeling.
I don't want that feeling.
What do I need to do to fix thatfeeling?
And that was it.
And it was, and when I see him,I will look him in the eyes and
I will say hello, and I willmove on and I won't feel that
(19:27):
way again.
And that's what this frameworkis.
It's identifying a problem,whatever the problem is.
And now you got to learn how tofix it.
And then fix it in everyscenario.
Anna (19:41):
Yes.
So we talked about making a listand then finding our part.
And then step five is sharing itwith another person, which is
relieving power as well.
Now I like number six and numberseven, and I constantly have to
(20:02):
remind myself of these thingsbecause.
I get them a little confused, soI want to break it down just for
me.
I'm like, what's the differencebetween a defect and a
shortcoming again?
Okay, yeah, that's right.
So six is ready to have yourhigher power remove defects.
Defects are behaviors that we dothat we shouldn't.
(20:26):
Now, I always have to remindmyself of that behaviors that we
do that we shouldn't so anger,gossip, resentments, here's a
big one for the workplace,throwing folks under the bus,
judging character assassination.
These are things we do all thetime in the workplace that we
(20:48):
shouldn't.
So those are defects that wereally want our higher power to
remove because I don't want todo any of those things.
But as a human, I do I have, butI don't 7 is asking your higher
power to remove shortcomings.
So shortcomings are behaviors.
We should be doing that.
(21:09):
We don't.
Oh, showing up to work on time.
That was a really hard one forme.
I just, I feel like I can do ahundred things in five minutes
and I can't, but I try everysingle day.
Personal accountability.
Hold on
Erin (21:25):
a second.
I feel like that's every salesdirector, but okay, go ahead.
Anna (21:28):
I work for some sales directors who are on time or
early every single day of theircareer.
And I'm like, how?
I'm so jealous.
And my husband's a former Marineor always a Marine.
Yeah.
And in the Marines, if you're ontime, you're late.
Yeah.
you have to be early in order tobe on time and I just don't
(21:49):
understand that.
It's just that my brain justdoesn't work that way.
So shortcomings, punctuality,personal accountability, being
respectful, having integrity,completing tasks.
I always like to remind myselfof the difference between
defects.
And shortcomings and, it'sconstantly a work in progress as
(22:12):
a recovering perfectionist.
I always have to remind myself,unfortunately, I'm never going
to be perfect at any of thesethings because I am a human
being, but I am constantlystriving to grow and hopefully
get a little more progress and alittle more progress.
(22:34):
And get a little bit better atit, but it's just never going to
be perfect, which is hard for meto say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
and then we're talking aboutmaking amends.
So I think that's another huge,important part of being in a
workplace is making amends,right?
(22:56):
That story you told is sopowerful.
I had a situation with one of myall time favorite bosses.
He is just amazing.
I threw him under the bus.
It was an accident, but I did atthe end of the day, I threw him
under the bus to his boss.
(23:17):
it was just all bad, I panickedand I didn't mean to, but that's
what happened at the end of theday.
That is what happened.
And I immediately went to himand I was super honest and real.
And I'm like, I just threw youunder the bus to your boss and I
(23:37):
feel terrible and I can'tbelieve it even happened, but it
did.
And how can I make this right?
That's a huge part of the amendsis not just saying you're sorry,
which is great, but how can Imake this right?
Or if you can't make it right,try really hard in the future to
(24:02):
not do it again.
that's a living amends is we'regoing to change the behavior and
not to do it again movingforward.
So I said that to him and he wasso gracious and he's Thank you
for apologizing.
It's all good.
That is grace.
(24:23):
Grace is like something that youdon't deserve.
I did not deserve that, but thatyou get anyways.
And then to reverse the tables,two years later, as I was
leaving that company, he didsomething really hurtful to me,
really hurtful.
I was like, to the core hurtover the situation.
(24:47):
I prayed about it.
I tried to accept it.
I tried to let it go.
I did all the steps.
I did my part, but gosh, itstung.
Six months later, after thesituation, I was gone long gone
from the company.
He called me up and he said,this situation has been
bothering me for six months andI need to make amends to you.
(25:10):
And you don't, I don't deserveto be forgiven.
So I totally understand if younever want to talk to me.
And it's you know what?
You showed me grace.
And that situation two yearsago, I'm going to show you grace
here.
I forgive you and we're friendsand it's great where the
(25:31):
situations really crappy.
Yes.
Were they really painful?
Yes.
But making that amends andtrying to right the wrong, gosh,
that's powerful and healing.
Erin (25:43):
Yeah.
And what gets in the way of thatis pride.
Yeah, pride and ego.
Pride and ego, getting away withthat.
There is nothing more powerfulthan the story that you just
described.
Own your part.
Say, I'm sorry.
Grace is given to you.
If grace isn't given to you inthat point, it's because that
person doesn't understand thebasic parts of life, and you
(26:06):
probably don't want to workthere anyways.
Number one, and you don't wantto be in their orbit.
Number two, but when somebodycomes to you and says, I just
did this and I am so sorry, whatcan I do to make it right?
Like that.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that to me.
I don't know.
But let me get back because Igot to handle whatever it is,
(26:29):
right now.
that's.
Yes, it does require a behaviorchange.
My son says sorry all the time,but his behavior doesn't change.
And I'm like, don't say sorry,don't say sorry until the
behavior is until you're readyto not make that choice again,
because sorry, doesn't matter atthis point.
Anna (26:46):
Changing the behavior is the critical component of that
for sure.
Yes.
Go ahead.
Oh, go ahead.
no.
Go ahead.
You go.
Go ahead.
You were saying that sometimes.
The person won't forgive you andyou shouldn't be in that space,
but that's part of keeping yourside of the street clean.
Erin (27:07):
Yeah.
Anna (27:08):
Yeah.
Like sometimes a person is notgoing to forgive you for
whatever reason.
And sometimes you still have towork there.
Yeah.
but at the end of the day,you've kept your side of the
street clean and that's reallyall that matters.
Yeah.
I did my part.
I took accountability.
I took responsibility.
(27:29):
I made the amends.
I am trying to change thebehavior.
And at the end of the day,that's all I can do, is keep my
side of the street clean andstay on my side of the street.
I think that's another importantcomponent to the workplace, is a
lot of times we want to put ourhands in all of the things and
(27:49):
all of the departments Run theshow and control and again, it's
nuanced and we want to be teamplayers, but staying in our lane
and staying on our side of thestreet.
And I like to call it in my hulahoop.
I'm wearing a hula hoop and Istay in my lane.
(28:10):
Let's hold hula hoop and keepthat part clean is really what I
have control over.
And the other person's responseis unfortunately out of my
control all the time.
Erin (28:25):
And that's where you bring in the serenity prayer and you
say, help me identify what I canand cannot control.
Yeah.
I have worked through myframework.
To feel good, to feel confident,to feel strong.
And I can't do any more thanthat because I have followed my
(28:46):
path.
And that is power.
Whereas I used to, and I stillhave a tendency and I have to
rein it in and say, I can fixthis.
I can fix this.
I know that I can fix this.
even though I've already made myamends, even though I've already
done this, or I know that I canfix this.
It's but that's outside of myhula hoop, right?
(29:07):
Yeah.
I can't make them see what theydon't want to see.
I can't do whatever has beendone.
So what I can do is own it,speak it, change and let go.
Anna (29:26):
Yeah.
Cause the serenity prayer is allabout the only thing we can
control, is ourselves.
Yeah.
So the serenity prayer is God,higher power, grant me the
serenity to accept the things Icannot change, which I like to
insert is everything andeveryone helped me to accept the
(29:52):
things I can change, which ismyself.
That's it.
Myself and my hula hoop and giveme the wisdom to know the
difference between what I canchange and what I can't.
And that prayer, my dad taughtme as a little kid, and I have
been saying since I was a littlekid in school, I used to get so
(30:16):
much anxiety about tests andpublic speaking.
Oh, my gosh, it's actually,really ironic that I'm doing
this podcast because I'mterrified of public speaking and
I never wanted to do thosespeeches in school.
So I would always say theserenity prayer before the
speech, which is.
the only person I have controlover is myself and how everybody
(30:38):
else receives the speech or howI do on the test is out of my
control.
I've studied, I've prepared.
And the rest is up to God.
Higher power.
Take the reins.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Erin (30:53):
Yeah.
I, when I became, I've alwaysknown about the serenity prayer.
Again, it was one of those,thank you for sharing type
things, roll my eyes at it, thatkind of thing.
But when I became like aware ofthe serenity prayer and I
started using it, In my ownlife.
I then started seeing familymembers.
(31:15):
I started seeing family membersstruggling with the same stuff.
I was struggling and I saw itfrom a different perspective and
I said to someone I said to alot of people, but I remember
saying it to the first personand go.
Oh, my God, that worked.
I said to this daughter who was,you can tell she was a type A
personality and her mother wasdying and there wasn't anything
(31:35):
else for her to do except for tojust be, and she didn't really
know how to be, she only knewhow to do.
And she wanted me to saysomething.
And I said to her, she wantedme.
to tell her a timeline, whichI'm just, I'm an executive
director, I can give you my bestguess based on my experience,
but that's not really what youwant from me, right?
(31:57):
So I said to her, you cannotcontrol what you cannot control.
we are in a process that isuncontrollable.
And what you can control.
You have done an amazing job.
Amazing job.
Could not have done better.
You have loved her.
You have been with her.
You have made the best decisionsfor her.
(32:17):
You have kept us accountable forher.
You have done it all.
So now, just love her.
And be with her.
And you choose when you want tocome.
Because there are no rules here,and it was like, she just calmed
down.
I would have not had thosewords, right?
If I had not experienced what Iwas currently going through and
(32:41):
had been going through for yearsbefore that and there are so
many powerful lessons to belearned in times of And this is
just a sample of how a hard timethat you go through can help
somebody else through that hardtime, which is the last step,
right?
Which is to help others.
Yeah.
What we're doing, hopefullywe're helping others.
Anna (33:02):
my prayer whenever I'm speaking, because, I hate public
speaking, but I find myselfdoing it a lot, which is God's
sense of humor.
So whenever I speak, my prayerbefore I speak is God, please
help me to help at least oneperson.
(33:22):
If I have helped one person, Itwas all worth it.
All of this anxiety andpreparation and fear and being
vulnerable, becausevulnerability can be scary,
right?
I share that I have 12 years ofsobriety and there might be
judgments towards that.
(33:42):
So if I can help one person, itwas all worth it.
Erin (33:46):
Yeah.
Anna (33:47):
And I do want to talk about step 11 as well.
That's prayer meditation.
And for me, gratitude is myspiritual foundation.
I go to church, all of that, butat the end of the day, gratitude
is my foundation.
Is my spiritual foundation.
I say that gratitude is a magictrick.
(34:10):
I think it's the ultimate magictrick because you take a really
bad situation where it justseems like there's no light at
the end of the tunnel.
And there's no, how can there beany positivity in this
situation?
And you start listing, I have aroof over my head.
(34:31):
I have eyesight.
I can see the clouds.
I have my health.
I have running water.
the other day our water gotturned off accidentally.
to go five minutes withoutrunning water, really put things
into perspective of havinggratitude for running water.
(34:51):
you can really make thegratitude list as basic or as
silly as you want.
And it's a magic trick.
My kids and I do every night AGLAD list.
So it's G L A D and we runthrough our day and this is like
the 10th step, right?
(35:12):
Of running through your day andwhat could I have done better?
What went wrong?
Do I need to make an amends?
So GLAD, G is gratitude.
So we say what we're gratefulfor the day.
L is what we learned in the day.
A is what we accomplished in theday.
(35:32):
Okay.
And D is what delighted us.
And ultimately I think thatgratitude is a thank you to God
or your higher power.
So even if you don't know whatto pray or don't know what to
meditate on, if you just do asimple gratitude list, that is a
thank you God, higher power forgiving me this day,
Erin (35:56):
that is so good because I lived life full of resentments
for a long time and I didn'tknow what that was.
I understand the magic trickbecause I do count my blessings
and when you count yourblessings, when you're thankful
for the opportunity, it ismagic.
(36:17):
It is, there's a million reasonswhy you could think negatively
about any circumstance.
And I honestly, if I'm honestwith myself, I go that route
first.
Because you compare yourself tosomebody else or, whatever I
want to lose X amount or weightand I sit here and talk bad
about me and then somebody elsewho may weigh 100 pounds is
(36:41):
listening to me and I'm, it's Idon't think about what I say
negative about me and how itaffects somebody else.
Until somebody else who weighsless than me talks about, and
then I'm like, Oh man, I'mbigger than you.
What are you thinking about me?
You know what I mean?
It's like all of this stuff andit is.
(37:01):
And I literally am trying andI'm better, much, much better at
trying to see the positive sideon everything.
And being thankful for what isversus focusing on what isn't.
And life is so much easier.
(37:22):
Life is so much better.
It
Anna (37:24):
is.
in a couple that just happened,we went camping, my six year old
son just joined cub scouts.
So this was our 1st camp outwith the cub scout pack, and I
was blown away by theorganization of the campsite and
the kitchen set up and themeals.
(37:48):
these cases like gourmet mealsto me and everything was just.
Done to, these high standardsand then, it was a great
weekend.
We loved it.
We loved every 2nd of it fastforward to the parent meeting
last night.
They were recapping the camp outand this one parent was saying,
(38:10):
the kitchen set up was just soawful.
he just had every complaintunder the sun and it was
fascinating to me actually,because it's wow, perspectives
are everything.
Her perspective was it was theworst and if that's how you look
at it, then yeah, I guess it'sgoing to be bad.
(38:32):
But our perspective was this waslike the greatest camp out ever.
Erin (38:37):
Yeah,
Anna (38:38):
because we saw the gratitude in it so you can look
at the same exact situation andgo to completely different
paths.
And guess who had more fun thatweekend?
The people who are looking at itas this is great.
(38:59):
If you look at it as this ishorrible, that is, you're not
going to have very much fun.
Erin (39:06):
Yeah, and that ties into step number two, when it's
basically trusting the process,just trusting the process.
If I'm going to be thankful foreverything, and I'm going to
know that I'm going to reap whatI sow.
So when I, from a senior livingstandpoint, I, the only, every
(39:27):
new community I went to was inthe 55, 65 percentile, right?
So I went into every hardsituation and I innately trusted
the process.
I believe from a very young agethat you do reap what you sow.
And so if I'm going to do goodand add value to people's lives
(39:49):
and love people are going tocome to me because I'm going to
do a good job.
And if I do that consistently, Iwill grow occupancy.
I always have.
It always works.
It always works, folks.
It always works.
And, but I struggled with thatprocess outside of the community
because my perspective wasdifferent because I struggled
(40:12):
with resentments outside of itbecause I wanted people to see
me because I did look at thenegative side of things.
And when you trust the process,the faith over fear, and you
realize it actually works inyour professional life and it
works in your personal life.
And you just literally give awaywhat you need.
It will come back to you, pressdown, shaken together, baby, and
(40:36):
in full in, in fullness.
you literally just have to trustthe process.
And the process is exactly whatthat word means.
It's a process.
It doesn't come immediately.
So you can't give up.
You cannot give up because youdon't see it tomorrow.
I'm waiting for some of thesebulbs that I planted to grow.
(40:58):
I'm watching them every day tosee when I see the first little
piece come up.
I've been waiting for 30 days.
But I know,
Anna (41:06):
because it's, yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
My last major community I was inhad 185 apartments and it was 62
percent occupied.
So I don't have a calculator,but our list of rent ready, open
(41:27):
apartments to rent, It was 2pages long.
Let's call it 100 openapartments.
Talk about overwhelming that isoverwhelming.
Yes, that is okay, let's do thenext indicated step, which is to
sell this apartment and we soldthat apartment and then we sold
(41:48):
another one.
And then we sold another 1.
and I am not at all takingcredit for any of this.
It was a village and a team andI had a co sales director who
was amazing.
But at the end of the day, whenI left 2 years later, we had 1
apartment on the rent ready.
And that is.
One day at a time, one apartmentat a time, and the next
(42:12):
inundated staff.
That's right.
Erin (42:14):
Trusting the process, planting the seeds.
And trusting the
Anna (42:18):
process.
Erin (42:20):
Yes.
Completely.
Yes.
Yeah.
Anna (42:22):
And, that community was built in the 60s.
And we had brand new, sparkly,shiny, chandelier, marble,
everything competitors who hadjust opened a year ago.
you find the gratitude and whatyou have, right?
(42:45):
Oh, we don't have marble and wedon't have sparkles, but you
have really caring, genuine,authentic team members who
really want to help your team.
And I think that's how we buildup is authenticity and being
(43:05):
genuine
Erin (43:06):
and it's not always empathetic for sure.
And not everybody wants that,but when they find you and they
want that, when you find yourpeople, they start, yeah,
Anna (43:20):
exactly.
Erin (43:21):
Exactly.
Anna (43:22):
Yeah, because there's, I always get this saying wrong and
I'm sure I'm going to mess it upagain right now, but I say
there's a nut for every wrenchand maybe it's like a wrench for
every bolt or, I don't know mytools, but I think it's a nut
Erin (43:39):
for every wrench.
There's a net
Anna (43:41):
for every wrench, so not everybody wants the building
from 1965.
They do want the brand newchandelier, and that's great.
There is something for everyone,but I think at the end of the
day, when you're beingempathetic, authentic, and
vulnerable, that's the secretsauce.
(44:03):
Whether you have the chandeliersor not, that is the secret
sauce.
Erin (44:06):
We all know that all the money in the world does not buy
happiness, and it does not buyauthenticity.
And you can have all the moneyin the world, and you still find
yourself empty and hollow.
And the same thing goes forinside of a community.
yeah, it is people inside ofyour community that makes a
difference.
I don't care how much marble youhave, how many chandeliers.
(44:29):
I welcomed many people into mycommunity, that was not fancy or
shiny or any of that because oftrust, empathy, transformation
stories, and a true authenticconnection.
Anna (44:43):
Yeah, exactly.
My favorite question from a tourwas always, What sets your
community apart from others?
Yes.
And my answer was always thevibes and the energy and walk
around our community and justreally focus on the vibes and
(45:05):
energy and then go to othercommunities and focus on that
vibe and energy and pick the onethat resonates.
Erin (45:14):
Yeah,
Anna (45:14):
and they always think about it.
wow.
Okay.
it really gave them food forthought.
And a lot of the time they likedour vibe and it resonated.
So
Erin (45:28):
do you want to know my answer to that question?
Anna (45:31):
Yes.
Erin (45:32):
I said, it was me.
And it was my team and we, I'mgoing to connect with you and
I'm going to walk you throughevery step of this caregiving
journey that you have.
And I'm going to make sure thatyour loved one is cared for.
We're not going to be perfect.
We're not going to be perfect,but I can assure you that we
care and we will address everysituation and your loved one
(45:52):
will be happy here.
What that definition means is upto them, but they will find
their place here.
So the difference is the peopleinside of this community.
Yeah, what are you going to sayto that?
I can double down.
My grandmother lived here.
My grandmother in law lived inhere.
I know where the dirt is and Istill brought it up.
(46:13):
You know what I mean?
it's pretty powerful.
you can't overcome that.
Yeah, I feel like we just taughta master class of senior living.
I feel like we have.
Solves the world's problem.
Is there any step that we missedor any points?
(46:33):
That you feel like we shouldmake but I feel like we covered
all of them.
Anna (46:37):
Wow.
I think we covered the majorityfor sure.
like I said, I could probablytalk about all of this for a
month, but A lot of the nittygritty, I do always like to say
my favorite quote And this goesback to your struggles of not
(46:57):
filling enough and yourinteractions with that regional
boss, my all time favoritequote, because I struggle with
the same exact feelings of notenough and perfectionism and
people pleasing and trying to beeverything to everyone all the
time.
As you can be the ripest,juiciest peach.
(47:21):
And there are still going to bepeople who don't like peaches
Erin (47:24):
and
Anna (47:26):
I remind myself of that all the time.
And the ironic part of thatbeing my favorite quote is I
actually don't like peaches.
I refuse to eat peaches.
I am 1 of those people who don'tlike peaches, but you can be
everything and.
And there's still going to bepeople who, you're just not
(47:47):
their jam and that's okay.
I am working on accepting thatacceptance.
I'm never going to control whatother people think or do.
All I can do is keep my side ofthe street clean and walk with
(48:10):
kindness and grace.
And I don't do that every day,all the time, but I certainly
try.
It's true.
I love peaches, so I'll give youall the peaches that end up on
my plate.
Erin (48:23):
Sounds great.
I have wanted to have thisconversation for so long with
somebody who had anunderstanding of it on such a
detailed level.
It is just the beginning of whatI feel like the future of senior
living is going and wheresociety is today and for women
(48:46):
to own their power andauthenticity and men to for
everyone to this is a frameworkfor success.
This is not a framework for justfor recovery.
This is a framework on literallybeing a good human and being a
(49:08):
strong and confident human andbeing an accountable human and
attracting more people like thatto you.
Yes.
Yes.
That is why it's a frameworkinside of a successful assisted
living community too.
Anna (49:23):
Yeah, and I used these tools and these steps and these
phrases and prayers pretty muchevery single day of my 13 years
in senior living.
And the days that I forgot themwere not good days, like it, it
didn't go well.
So then it's okay, let's back itup.
(49:46):
Do the step 10 of where did thatgo wrong?
Oh, yeah, I forgot all of this.
I forgot my entire toolbox.
Yikes.
Okay.
So tomorrow we're going to openthe toolbox and use some of
these tools.
Erin (49:59):
Yeah, because tomorrow is a new day.
Yeah.
And I always struggled withbringing the past with me, and
we just can't do that.
Does.
It's not allowed.
No, it's not allowed.
It's not.
And that's what the frameworkdoes.
It releases the past.
And tomorrow is a new day.
And that's the magic ofaccountability.
(50:21):
I saw a quote, it said, ifyou're still viewing me as the
person that I was, you don'tknow me anymore,
Anna (50:28):
Yeah.
I also like that meme.
the person on Facebook from 10years ago is not me, right?
Yes.
I don't know who that was, butthat's not the me of today.
So
Erin (50:44):
yes.
Anna (50:44):
Thank goodness.
We're not perfect.
We're all a work in progress.
Erin (50:49):
Yes.
I may visit there, but I don'tstay there anymore.
You know what I mean?
Nope.
I dip my toe in and then I'mlike, whoops.
Anna (50:57):
Nope.
Don't like that.
Erin (50:59):
Oh, thank you so much for being, yes.
Thank you for being brave.
and courageous and vulnerableand sharing it and letting us
explore it.
And I hope that a lot of peoplecome to the realization that we
are all the same.
We just have different vices anddifferent choices and a negative
(51:20):
mindset is just as destructiveas having two bottles of wine
every night.
It's the same.
It's the same thing.
Just made different choices.
Anna (51:31):
It's toxic.
I'm wearing my dandelionearrings.
Dandelions are one of myfavorite plants.
Uhhuh, and I love that quote.
Some see a weed.
And some See A Wish.
And I love to see a Wish.
Erin (51:46):
That's good.
That's good.
Alright, as to for all of mylisteners, aspire for more for
you.
Hi, and welcome back to a new episode of the aspire for
more with Aaron podcast where Iam honored and excited to have
Mrs.
Anna Ward Gunev with us.
She is a Former sales andmarketing director, but more
importantly, a boy, mom of twosmall boys, a digital creator,
(00:21):
and a woman who clearly liveslife on the sunny side.
We have come up with what webelieve to be, a pathway to
success inside senior living,the 12 steps of avoiding
burnout.
recovering from burnout,recognizing burnout.
(00:44):
what would you add to that?
Yeah, all of the above.
so I want you through our sharedexperiences of burnout, of
mistakes and choices and All ofthe above.
I feel like we are on tosomething.
So do you want to go through,your version of what those,
(01:06):
succinct steps, ideas, aframework that will help leaders
inside the senior living?
Anna (01:14):
Yeah, so I'm super excited about this topic.
Speaking of vulnerability, justa little background about
myself.
I have 12 years of sobriety,which I never shared in a
professional realm up until 2years ago when I turned 10 years
(01:36):
of sobriety.
And it just dawned on me, Icould help someone by sharing
this.
So I shared it and people that Ihad no idea were struggling
reached out to me.
For resources and help.
And that was like, that blew theroof off of my sobriety
(02:01):
birthday.
it just really made me realizethat the more vulnerable we are,
we can help people.
So I've been in recovery for 12years and in recovery, we use
these 12 steps.
I've really simplified it.
So if you're in recovery, don'tcome at me like these are not
(02:22):
the exact 12 steps.
they are, but they're justsimplified because we could talk
about this for a week, a month,and we have what, 30 minutes, so
we're going to dive into the 12steps.
As much as we can in 30 minutes.
So number one is awareness andacceptance of the problem.
(02:44):
So this can be applied toanything, right?
We apply it to addictions,alcohol, gambling, shopping,
eating, you name it.
There's a recovery program forit, but we can also apply it to
work, burnout, colleagues,bosses, clients, whatever the
(03:08):
problem is, you can take these12 steps.
And put it to that scenario.
So number one is awareness andacceptance of the problem.
Number two is we cannot helpourselves alone.
We must have a higher power.
I call my higher power God, butreligion gets a little sticky
(03:29):
wicket sometimes.
So we say higher power.
Number three, we gave our higherpower, our will, basically, we
are not in control number four.
We've made a list of ourpersonal conduct and we found
our part in it.
We'll get to that later.
I just personally, I think thatis 1 of the number 1s like
(03:51):
billboard shiny, bright lightsplashing.
Number 5, we shared that listwith another person.
Number 6, we're ready to haveour higher power remove these
defects.
Number 7, we asked our higherpower to remove our
shortcomings.
Number 8, we made a list ofpeople we hurt, and we were
(04:11):
ready to make amends.
Number nine, we made thoseamends to those people when
possible.
Ten, we make a daily list ofwhat happened that day and we
right our wrongs.
Eleven, we use prayer andmeditation to help us through
all of this.
And twelve, we help others.
(04:33):
So that is a very simple
Erin (04:35):
nutshell.
It's, I am, have not been a partof any 12 step program myself.
I have walked through thisjourney with, someone close to
me and the journey changed mylife.
The number one thing thatchanged my life was identifying
(04:57):
resentments.
Reasonably evil.
Understanding that the way thatI was feeling was actually a
very resentful way of feelingand it was about A lot of things
and I didn't understand that'swhat that was And then it was
like, Oh my God, the floodgatesopened.
(05:19):
things started to change.
I went, I had, who doesn't go tothe kitchen and eat everything
when they're emotional?
Number one.
So can I, could somebody tell methat I could never have to have
a piece of chocolate cake or anOreo ever again?
No.
so clearly I have an emotionaldependency on food.
I have an emotional dependencyon shopping.
So clearly.
(05:41):
It was through this person'sjourney that I was assisting
them with and being a part ofthat.
I realized that shopping was aproblem for me and it was a self
perpetuating problem when Iwanted to be debt free and yet
I'm buying everything It's justnot gonna work, right?
The maths don't math.
(06:02):
No, the maths don't math and sowe think very I will just let me
just say, I thought very poorlyfor a very, a judgmental
viewpoint on people who werestruggling with addiction.
And actually, when you take avery personable view on it, you
realize we all have the samestruggles.
(06:24):
We just don't view it the sameway and because it's not going
to kill me or other people.
I don't view it as alcohol ordrugs or whatever, but now I
have a very wide view of thatand understand it in a very
different capacity.
and these, this framework, this12 step framework can literally
(06:50):
change your life if you followit.
And you
Anna (06:53):
in so many capacities, and I've often thought even before I
was in a recovery program,because I grew up in recovery as
a little kid.
My dad was in a recoveryprogram.
So I grew up.
Vaguely knowing about the 12steps and saying the serenity
(07:18):
prayer my whole life, which wecan get into, but I've often
thought for decades.
That if the world worked with a12 steps,
Erin (07:30):
yes.
Anna (07:31):
Oh my goodness.
The world would be a muchhealthier, safer, more peaceful,
happy place.
Because this is really anincredible guidebook for how to
operate in life and how tooperate with your spouse, your
(07:52):
friend, your coworker, yourclient.
Thank you.
Erin (07:55):
If you
Anna (07:56):
name it, this is it.
I don't really see a much betterguidebook than this.
Erin (08:05):
Yeah, Brene Brown gave me the words when it came to
numbing emotions.
And whether or not you choosealcohol, or you choose drugs, or
you choose caregiving, or youchoose people pleasing, which
those are mine too, or youchoose problem solving,
shopping, sex, all the things.
(08:25):
It's all the same.
Yep.
So you don't get to look atsomebody and judge them because
their choice is different thanyours,
Anna (08:35):
right?
Yeah,
Erin (08:36):
I will judge you because you may drink too much, but I'm
sitting here.
Dying inside because I'm takingcare of everybody.
It's the same thing.
Yeah,
Anna (08:46):
exactly.
It is has a hole and a void inour heart and our soul that we
need to numb.
And fill with other thingsinstead of tackling that problem
that caused that whole head on.
Erin (09:04):
yeah.
So understanding and acceptingthat you have a problem,
whatever the problem is, let'sjust take away the fact that.
We're talking about recoverybecause that certainly turns
some people off.
I have a problem of feeling notenough, right?
that is a problem that has beena problem.
And it's probably a lot ofpeople's problems, even if they
(09:26):
don't talk about it.
It is, I am doing all of thisand it's not enough.
I got a community to a hundredpercent four times in a row this
time.
And it's just not enough.
and it's a perpetual, it's aperpetual cycle that if we don't
solve, if we don't identify thatas a problem, then our lives are
(09:52):
very black and white because webelieve it.
Anna (09:55):
Yeah, so if you ask 100 different people, what is the
most important step, you'regoing to hear 100 different
answers.
And ultimately, the right answeris every step is equally
important.
But if I had to pick a number 1,most important, if I just had
(10:15):
to, I would say number 1.
Because if you're not aware thatthere's a problem, then you're
never going to be able to workon it and fix it.
I think awareness is where itall begins, which is why it's
the 1st step and then accepting.
Acceptance, I think, is keybecause we're in constant denial
(10:39):
and this is going to change.
I'm going to do everything in mypower to get this person or this
situation to change.
Wow, you're going to be bangingyour head against the wall for a
very long time and it's going tobe very painful.
awareness and accepting of theproblem, I think, is the
foundation and key for all theother steps.
(11:02):
That's just my opinion.
Erin (11:03):
Oh, yeah.
When I came to the conclusion,there were patterns in my life
that I didn't like.
And I can give you a list of thereasons of why those patterns
happened and how I couldpotentially be looked at as the
victim, in each of those thingsthat I'm assessing.
But ultimately what comes downis I am the common denominator.
Anna (11:26):
Yeah, and that's where the 4th step comes in, which I also
think is, almost tied withnumber 1 extremely important.
because aside from.
children are victims and as somevery few rare scenarios, you're
(11:46):
a victim.
But as an adult, I would say 9.
9 times out of 10, there'shardly ever a situation where we
are a completely innocentvictim.
And for me, I always like to usethe example of setting
boundaries.
in my career as a salesdirector, I would, pretty
(12:10):
regular basis, get clients whoare very angry and upset.
Now I logically know thatthey're angry and upset with the
situation, what's going on withtheir loved one, finances,
paperwork, whatever the case maybe.
I logically know this, butthey're yelling at me.
(12:30):
They're cussing.
they are not treating me nicelyat all.
Okay.
That's not okay.
They should not be doing that.
They should not be raging at theperson across the table, trying
to help them.
Absolutely not.
But my part in it is.
I don't set boundaries.
I just sit there and take it.
(12:51):
I don't say, I'm not going tocontinue this conversation if
you're yelling and cussing.
I don't want to be spoken tolike that.
I don't say those things.
I just sit there and get dumpedon and that is my part.
A thousand percent.
Is not setting a boundary.
So
Erin (13:11):
it
Anna (13:11):
actually helps to know that I'm not an innocent victim
in this.
It's actually very empowering.
I have some control over thesituation and the control I have
is how I react.
And how I respond and what I do,I can't control the other person
yelling, but I can set aboundary and tell them to stop,
(13:32):
or I can walk away or, and Iknow it's nuanced.
I know that at work there'slayers and it's a lot harder in
a lot of situations, but at theend of the day, I think it's
always helpful to reflect onwhat was our part and our
responsibility and thatsituation.
Erin (13:50):
Yeah.
It's responsibility andaccountability.
And the accountability part ofit is literally what propels you
to a better version of you.
it, I wish that people wouldhear that when you take
accountability, like what Annajust said for her part in a
situation that she probablywasn't even responsible for.
(14:14):
And I have found myself in thatsituation and I just let them go
because I felt like that's whatthey needed.
But inside it was seeping in andit was affecting me, but I was
more worried about them gettingit all out instead of me saying,
Hey, We're not going to havethis conversation until you're a
little bit more calm and readyto talk about this.
(14:34):
This conversation is importantto me, and I want to hear what
you have to say.
It's just, I can't hear it withthe words that you're saying,
you know what I mean?
I can't tell you that I, I didthat and early parts of
leadership towards the endinside of the community.
I did that a little bit better,or I would get really silly and
I would be like, can we talk ina different tone?
(14:56):
can we just tone it down
Anna (14:57):
a
Erin (14:58):
bit?
You know what I mean?
humor is a good diffuser forsure.
yes, but the accountabilitypiece, what changed my life was
understanding.
There's a root cause analysis asto why I find myself in the same
position, even though all myoutcomes are what everybody
(15:20):
wants.
Why do I have this same thinghappening?
I got to figure that out.
I got to figure that out.
And it changed my life.
It changed my life.
Yeah, it really is holdingmyself accountable in every
situation.
Good and bad.
What did you do?
What did you do wrong?
(15:40):
Yes.
And then, number four, right?
with the emphasis on that part,then you figure out, do I need
to go and do something?
Do I need to, I want to tellthis story because I think this
is really good and it probablywe're jumping steps here and
frameworks, but it's a good tiein over the past few years.
I've been.
I've been really, solving theI'm not enough equation.
(16:02):
what steps do I need to take tofeel enough, to be enough, to,
if it doesn't go my way, I'mstill enough.
that kind of thing early so thatI can read that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So early on in my career, therewas a, we'll just call him a
mean boy.
I was an early, A very youngexecutive director who probably
(16:24):
didn't have any business beingan executive director, but I was
successful at it.
Even though I didn't have amentor or even a leader because
the people that promoted me leftand I had no one for about six
months.
Anyways, a new regional directorcame in and this person didn't
want me.
(16:45):
I knew it from the verybeginning.
He didn't want me.
I'm too young.
I was going to require,attention from him.
And.
The first opportunity he got, hemoved on for me, even though my
employee satisfaction scoregrew, my, associate satisfaction
score grew.
We were in the high 90percentile or NOI was fine.
(17:05):
There were a few things here andthere was.
There were some things that, ofcourse, a young ED didn't really
understand and I was fixingthose too.
But it wasn't good enough and wemoved on and it was soul
crushing.
I loved that community.
I wanted to be the vicepresident of that company.
Like I, I was giving everythingto that and I stayed on the
(17:26):
floor for at least a week afterthat.
So I see this man every year.
At a conference, I see him andevery year I cower and I shrink
from him.
He makes me Think every time Ilook at him.
He makes me think of thatversion of myself Even though
(17:46):
i've you know grown and beensuccessful at other places and I
didn't even do anything wrong,right?
last year Actually this year inmarch because i'm so sensitive
to Knowing my worth Because thatis a root cause analysis for me,
from a professional standpoint,that interaction was a root
(18:07):
cause analysis for me.
I went to him and I made amends,like I literally took this step
for real.
And I went to him and I shookhis hand and I said, Hi, you no
longer have power over me.
I will no longer feel less thanin your presence.
And, how are you, I hope thatyou have, I hope you're doing
(18:30):
well, and he apologized and, Iwill never have to feel that way
again in his presence.
Anna (18:36):
Wow.
Erin (18:37):
That gives
Anna (18:38):
me major chills,
Erin (18:42):
right?
All this.
I would never have been able todo that without these steps,
understanding, knowing,identifying, right?
Never would I have been able todo that.
Wow,
Anna (18:53):
that's incredible.
It's so powerful and such arelease of that heaviness Yeah,
I love that and it's so brave
Erin (19:06):
Yes there I can't even begin to describe to you what
it's like.
I didn't even have control overmy body It was like I felt That
feeling.
I don't want that feeling.
What do I need to do to fix thatfeeling?
And that was it.
And it was, and when I see him,I will look him in the eyes and
I will say hello, and I willmove on and I won't feel that
(19:27):
way again.
And that's what this frameworkis.
It's identifying a problem,whatever the problem is.
And now you got to learn how tofix it.
And then fix it in everyscenario.
Anna (19:41):
Yes.
So we talked about making a listand then finding our part.
And then step five is sharing itwith another person, which is
relieving power as well.
Now I like number six and numberseven, and I constantly have to
(20:02):
remind myself of these thingsbecause.
I get them a little confused, soI want to break it down just for
me.
I'm like, what's the differencebetween a defect and a
shortcoming again?
Okay, yeah, that's right.
So six is ready to have yourhigher power remove defects.
Defects are behaviors that we dothat we shouldn't.
(20:26):
Now, I always have to remindmyself of that behaviors that we
do that we shouldn't so anger,gossip, resentments, here's a
big one for the workplace,throwing folks under the bus,
judging character assassination.
These are things we do all thetime in the workplace that we
(20:48):
shouldn't.
So those are defects that wereally want our higher power to
remove because I don't want todo any of those things.
But as a human, I do I have, butI don't 7 is asking your higher
power to remove shortcomings.
So shortcomings are behaviors.
We should be doing that.
(21:09):
We don't.
Oh, showing up to work on time.
That was a really hard one forme.
I just, I feel like I can do ahundred things in five minutes
and I can't, but I try everysingle day.
Personal accountability.
Hold on
Erin (21:25):
a second.
I feel like that's every salesdirector, but okay, go ahead.
Anna (21:28):
I work for some sales directors who are on time or
early every single day of theircareer.
And I'm like, how?
I'm so jealous.
And my husband's a former Marineor always a Marine.
Yeah.
And in the Marines, if you're ontime, you're late.
Yeah.
you have to be early in order tobe on time and I just don't
(21:49):
understand that.
It's just that my brain justdoesn't work that way.
So shortcomings, punctuality,personal accountability, being
respectful, having integrity,completing tasks.
I always like to remind myselfof the difference between
defects.
And shortcomings and, it'sconstantly a work in progress as
(22:12):
a recovering perfectionist.
I always have to remind myself,unfortunately, I'm never going
to be perfect at any of thesethings because I am a human
being, but I am constantlystriving to grow and hopefully
get a little more progress and alittle more progress.
(22:34):
And get a little bit better atit, but it's just never going to
be perfect, which is hard for meto say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
and then we're talking aboutmaking amends.
So I think that's another huge,important part of being in a
workplace is making amends,right?
(22:56):
That story you told is sopowerful.
I had a situation with one of myall time favorite bosses.
He is just amazing.
I threw him under the bus.
It was an accident, but I did atthe end of the day, I threw him
under the bus to his boss.
(23:17):
it was just all bad, I panickedand I didn't mean to, but that's
what happened at the end of theday.
That is what happened.
And I immediately went to himand I was super honest and real.
And I'm like, I just threw youunder the bus to your boss and I
(23:37):
feel terrible and I can'tbelieve it even happened, but it
did.
And how can I make this right?
That's a huge part of the amendsis not just saying you're sorry,
which is great, but how can Imake this right?
Or if you can't make it right,try really hard in the future to
(24:02):
not do it again.
that's a living amends is we'regoing to change the behavior and
not to do it again movingforward.
So I said that to him and he wasso gracious and he's Thank you
for apologizing.
It's all good.
That is grace.
(24:23):
Grace is like something that youdon't deserve.
I did not deserve that, but thatyou get anyways.
And then to reverse the tables,two years later, as I was
leaving that company, he didsomething really hurtful to me,
really hurtful.
I was like, to the core hurtover the situation.
(24:47):
I prayed about it.
I tried to accept it.
I tried to let it go.
I did all the steps.
I did my part, but gosh, itstung.
Six months later, after thesituation, I was gone long gone
from the company.
He called me up and he said,this situation has been
bothering me for six months andI need to make amends to you.
(25:10):
And you don't, I don't deserveto be forgiven.
So I totally understand if younever want to talk to me.
And it's you know what?
You showed me grace.
And that situation two yearsago, I'm going to show you grace
here.
I forgive you and we're friendsand it's great where the
(25:31):
situations really crappy.
Yes.
Were they really painful?
Yes.
But making that amends andtrying to right the wrong, gosh,
that's powerful and healing.
Erin (25:43):
Yeah.
And what gets in the way of thatis pride.
Yeah, pride and ego.
Pride and ego, getting away withthat.
There is nothing more powerfulthan the story that you just
described.
Own your part.
Say, I'm sorry.
Grace is given to you.
If grace isn't given to you inthat point, it's because that
person doesn't understand thebasic parts of life, and you
(26:06):
probably don't want to workthere anyways.
Number one, and you don't wantto be in their orbit.
Number two, but when somebodycomes to you and says, I just
did this and I am so sorry, whatcan I do to make it right?
Like that.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that to me.
I don't know.
But let me get back because Igot to handle whatever it is,
(26:29):
right now.
that's.
Yes, it does require a behaviorchange.
My son says sorry all the time,but his behavior doesn't change.
And I'm like, don't say sorry,don't say sorry until the
behavior is until you're readyto not make that choice again,
because sorry, doesn't matter atthis point.
Anna (26:46):
Changing the behavior is the critical component of that
for sure.
Yes.
Go ahead.
Oh, go ahead.
no.
Go ahead.
You go.
Go ahead.
You were saying that sometimes.
The person won't forgive you andyou shouldn't be in that space,
but that's part of keeping yourside of the street clean.
Erin (27:07):
Yeah.
Anna (27:08):
Yeah.
Like sometimes a person is notgoing to forgive you for
whatever reason.
And sometimes you still have towork there.
Yeah.
but at the end of the day,you've kept your side of the
street clean and that's reallyall that matters.
Yeah.
I did my part.
I took accountability.
I took responsibility.
(27:29):
I made the amends.
I am trying to change thebehavior.
And at the end of the day,that's all I can do, is keep my
side of the street clean andstay on my side of the street.
I think that's another importantcomponent to the workplace, is a
lot of times we want to put ourhands in all of the things and
(27:49):
all of the departments Run theshow and control and again, it's
nuanced and we want to be teamplayers, but staying in our lane
and staying on our side of thestreet.
And I like to call it in my hulahoop.
I'm wearing a hula hoop and Istay in my lane.
(28:10):
Let's hold hula hoop and keepthat part clean is really what I
have control over.
And the other person's responseis unfortunately out of my
control all the time.
Erin (28:25):
And that's where you bring in the serenity prayer and you
say, help me identify what I canand cannot control.
Yeah.
I have worked through myframework.
To feel good, to feel confident,to feel strong.
And I can't do any more thanthat because I have followed my
(28:46):
path.
And that is power.
Whereas I used to, and I stillhave a tendency and I have to
rein it in and say, I can fixthis.
I can fix this.
I know that I can fix this.
even though I've already made myamends, even though I've already
done this, or I know that I canfix this.
It's but that's outside of myhula hoop, right?
(29:07):
Yeah.
I can't make them see what theydon't want to see.
I can't do whatever has beendone.
So what I can do is own it,speak it, change and let go.
Anna (29:26):
Yeah.
Cause the serenity prayer is allabout the only thing we can
control, is ourselves.
Yeah.
So the serenity prayer is God,higher power, grant me the
serenity to accept the things Icannot change, which I like to
insert is everything andeveryone helped me to accept the
(29:52):
things I can change, which ismyself.
That's it.
Myself and my hula hoop and giveme the wisdom to know the
difference between what I canchange and what I can't.
And that prayer, my dad taughtme as a little kid, and I have
been saying since I was a littlekid in school, I used to get so
(30:16):
much anxiety about tests andpublic speaking.
Oh, my gosh, it's actually,really ironic that I'm doing
this podcast because I'mterrified of public speaking and
I never wanted to do thosespeeches in school.
So I would always say theserenity prayer before the
speech, which is.
the only person I have controlover is myself and how everybody
(30:38):
else receives the speech or howI do on the test is out of my
control.
I've studied, I've prepared.
And the rest is up to God.
Higher power.
Take the reins.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Erin (30:53):
Yeah.
I, when I became, I've alwaysknown about the serenity prayer.
Again, it was one of those,thank you for sharing type
things, roll my eyes at it, thatkind of thing.
But when I became like aware ofthe serenity prayer and I
started using it, In my ownlife.
I then started seeing familymembers.
(31:15):
I started seeing family membersstruggling with the same stuff.
I was struggling and I saw itfrom a different perspective and
I said to someone I said to alot of people, but I remember
saying it to the first personand go.
Oh, my God, that worked.
I said to this daughter who was,you can tell she was a type A
personality and her mother wasdying and there wasn't anything
(31:35):
else for her to do except for tojust be, and she didn't really
know how to be, she only knewhow to do.
And she wanted me to saysomething.
And I said to her, she wantedme.
to tell her a timeline, whichI'm just, I'm an executive
director, I can give you my bestguess based on my experience,
but that's not really what youwant from me, right?
(31:57):
So I said to her, you cannotcontrol what you cannot control.
we are in a process that isuncontrollable.
And what you can control.
You have done an amazing job.
Amazing job.
Could not have done better.
You have loved her.
You have been with her.
You have made the best decisionsfor her.
(32:17):
You have kept us accountable forher.
You have done it all.
So now, just love her.
And be with her.
And you choose when you want tocome.
Because there are no rules here,and it was like, she just calmed
down.
I would have not had thosewords, right?
If I had not experienced what Iwas currently going through and
(32:41):
had been going through for yearsbefore that and there are so
many powerful lessons to belearned in times of And this is
just a sample of how a hard timethat you go through can help
somebody else through that hardtime, which is the last step,
right?
Which is to help others.
Yeah.
What we're doing, hopefullywe're helping others.
Anna (33:02):
my prayer whenever I'm speaking, because, I hate public
speaking, but I find myselfdoing it a lot, which is God's
sense of humor.
So whenever I speak, my prayerbefore I speak is God, please
help me to help at least oneperson.
(33:22):
If I have helped one person, Itwas all worth it.
All of this anxiety andpreparation and fear and being
vulnerable, becausevulnerability can be scary,
right?
I share that I have 12 years ofsobriety and there might be
judgments towards that.
(33:42):
So if I can help one person, itwas all worth it.
Erin (33:46):
Yeah.
Anna (33:47):
And I do want to talk about step 11 as well.
That's prayer meditation.
And for me, gratitude is myspiritual foundation.
I go to church, all of that, butat the end of the day, gratitude
is my foundation.
Is my spiritual foundation.
I say that gratitude is a magictrick.
(34:10):
I think it's the ultimate magictrick because you take a really
bad situation where it justseems like there's no light at
the end of the tunnel.
And there's no, how can there beany positivity in this
situation?
And you start listing, I have aroof over my head.
(34:31):
I have eyesight.
I can see the clouds.
I have my health.
I have running water.
the other day our water gotturned off accidentally.
to go five minutes withoutrunning water, really put things
into perspective of havinggratitude for running water.
(34:51):
you can really make thegratitude list as basic or as
silly as you want.
And it's a magic trick.
My kids and I do every night AGLAD list.
So it's G L A D and we runthrough our day and this is like
the 10th step, right?
(35:12):
Of running through your day andwhat could I have done better?
What went wrong?
Do I need to make an amends?
So GLAD, G is gratitude.
So we say what we're gratefulfor the day.
L is what we learned in the day.
A is what we accomplished in theday.
(35:32):
Okay.
And D is what delighted us.
And ultimately I think thatgratitude is a thank you to God
or your higher power.
So even if you don't know whatto pray or don't know what to
meditate on, if you just do asimple gratitude list, that is a
thank you God, higher power forgiving me this day,
Erin (35:56):
that is so good because I lived life full of resentments
for a long time and I didn'tknow what that was.
I understand the magic trickbecause I do count my blessings
and when you count yourblessings, when you're thankful
for the opportunity, it ismagic.
(36:17):
It is, there's a million reasonswhy you could think negatively
about any circumstance.
And I honestly, if I'm honestwith myself, I go that route
first.
Because you compare yourself tosomebody else or, whatever I
want to lose X amount or weightand I sit here and talk bad
about me and then somebody elsewho may weigh 100 pounds is
(36:41):
listening to me and I'm, it's Idon't think about what I say
negative about me and how itaffects somebody else.
Until somebody else who weighsless than me talks about, and
then I'm like, Oh man, I'mbigger than you.
What are you thinking about me?
You know what I mean?
It's like all of this stuff andit is.
(37:01):
And I literally am trying andI'm better, much, much better at
trying to see the positive sideon everything.
And being thankful for what isversus focusing on what isn't.
And life is so much easier.
(37:22):
Life is so much better.
It
Anna (37:24):
is.
in a couple that just happened,we went camping, my six year old
son just joined cub scouts.
So this was our 1st camp outwith the cub scout pack, and I
was blown away by theorganization of the campsite and
the kitchen set up and themeals.
(37:48):
these cases like gourmet mealsto me and everything was just.
Done to, these high standardsand then, it was a great
weekend.
We loved it.
We loved every 2nd of it fastforward to the parent meeting
last night.
They were recapping the camp outand this one parent was saying,
(38:10):
the kitchen set up was just soawful.
he just had every complaintunder the sun and it was
fascinating to me actually,because it's wow, perspectives
are everything.
Her perspective was it was theworst and if that's how you look
at it, then yeah, I guess it'sgoing to be bad.
(38:32):
But our perspective was this waslike the greatest camp out ever.
Erin (38:37):
Yeah,
Anna (38:38):
because we saw the gratitude in it so you can look
at the same exact situation andgo to completely different
paths.
And guess who had more fun thatweekend?
The people who are looking at itas this is great.
(38:59):
If you look at it as this ishorrible, that is, you're not
going to have very much fun.
Erin (39:06):
Yeah, and that ties into step number two, when it's
basically trusting the process,just trusting the process.
If I'm going to be thankful foreverything, and I'm going to
know that I'm going to reap whatI sow.
So when I, from a senior livingstandpoint, I, the only, every
(39:27):
new community I went to was inthe 55, 65 percentile, right?
So I went into every hardsituation and I innately trusted
the process.
I believe from a very young agethat you do reap what you sow.
And so if I'm going to do goodand add value to people's lives
(39:49):
and love people are going tocome to me because I'm going to
do a good job.
And if I do that consistently, Iwill grow occupancy.
I always have.
It always works.
It always works, folks.
It always works.
And, but I struggled with thatprocess outside of the community
because my perspective wasdifferent because I struggled
(40:12):
with resentments outside of itbecause I wanted people to see
me because I did look at thenegative side of things.
And when you trust the process,the faith over fear, and you
realize it actually works inyour professional life and it
works in your personal life.
And you just literally give awaywhat you need.
It will come back to you, pressdown, shaken together, baby, and
(40:36):
in full in, in fullness.
you literally just have to trustthe process.
And the process is exactly whatthat word means.
It's a process.
It doesn't come immediately.
So you can't give up.
You cannot give up because youdon't see it tomorrow.
I'm waiting for some of thesebulbs that I planted to grow.
(40:58):
I'm watching them every day tosee when I see the first little
piece come up.
I've been waiting for 30 days.
But I know,
Anna (41:06):
because it's, yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
My last major community I was inhad 185 apartments and it was 62
percent occupied.
So I don't have a calculator,but our list of rent ready, open
(41:27):
apartments to rent, It was 2pages long.
Let's call it 100 openapartments.
Talk about overwhelming that isoverwhelming.
Yes, that is okay, let's do thenext indicated step, which is to
sell this apartment and we soldthat apartment and then we sold
(41:48):
another one.
And then we sold another 1.
and I am not at all takingcredit for any of this.
It was a village and a team andI had a co sales director who
was amazing.
But at the end of the day, whenI left 2 years later, we had 1
apartment on the rent ready.
And that is.
One day at a time, one apartmentat a time, and the next
(42:12):
inundated staff.
That's right.
Erin (42:14):
Trusting the process, planting the seeds.
And trusting the
Anna (42:18):
process.
Erin (42:20):
Yes.
Completely.
Yes.
Yeah.
Anna (42:22):
And, that community was built in the 60s.
And we had brand new, sparkly,shiny, chandelier, marble,
everything competitors who hadjust opened a year ago.
you find the gratitude and whatyou have, right?
(42:45):
Oh, we don't have marble and wedon't have sparkles, but you
have really caring, genuine,authentic team members who
really want to help your team.
And I think that's how we buildup is authenticity and being
(43:05):
genuine
Erin (43:06):
and it's not always empathetic for sure.
And not everybody wants that,but when they find you and they
want that, when you find yourpeople, they start, yeah,
Anna (43:20):
exactly.
Erin (43:21):
Exactly.
Anna (43:22):
Yeah, because there's, I always get this saying wrong and
I'm sure I'm going to mess it upagain right now, but I say
there's a nut for every wrenchand maybe it's like a wrench for
every bolt or, I don't know mytools, but I think it's a nut
Erin (43:39):
for every wrench.
There's a net
Anna (43:41):
for every wrench, so not everybody wants the building
from 1965.
They do want the brand newchandelier, and that's great.
There is something for everyone,but I think at the end of the
day, when you're beingempathetic, authentic, and
vulnerable, that's the secretsauce.
(44:03):
Whether you have the chandeliersor not, that is the secret
sauce.
Erin (44:06):
We all know that all the money in the world does not buy
happiness, and it does not buyauthenticity.
And you can have all the moneyin the world, and you still find
yourself empty and hollow.
And the same thing goes forinside of a community.
yeah, it is people inside ofyour community that makes a
difference.
I don't care how much marble youhave, how many chandeliers.
(44:29):
I welcomed many people into mycommunity, that was not fancy or
shiny or any of that because oftrust, empathy, transformation
stories, and a true authenticconnection.
Anna (44:43):
Yeah, exactly.
My favorite question from a tourwas always, What sets your
community apart from others?
Yes.
And my answer was always thevibes and the energy and walk
around our community and justreally focus on the vibes and
(45:05):
energy and then go to othercommunities and focus on that
vibe and energy and pick the onethat resonates.
Erin (45:14):
Yeah,
Anna (45:14):
and they always think about it.
wow.
Okay.
it really gave them food forthought.
And a lot of the time they likedour vibe and it resonated.
So
Erin (45:28):
do you want to know my answer to that question?
Anna (45:31):
Yes.
Erin (45:32):
I said, it was me.
And it was my team and we, I'mgoing to connect with you and
I'm going to walk you throughevery step of this caregiving
journey that you have.
And I'm going to make sure thatyour loved one is cared for.
We're not going to be perfect.
We're not going to be perfect,but I can assure you that we
care and we will address everysituation and your loved one
(45:52):
will be happy here.
What that definition means is upto them, but they will find
their place here.
So the difference is the peopleinside of this community.
Yeah, what are you going to sayto that?
I can double down.
My grandmother lived here.
My grandmother in law lived inhere.
I know where the dirt is and Istill brought it up.
(46:13):
You know what I mean?
it's pretty powerful.
you can't overcome that.
Yeah, I feel like we just taughta master class of senior living.
I feel like we have.
Solves the world's problem.
Is there any step that we missedor any points?
(46:33):
That you feel like we shouldmake but I feel like we covered
all of them.
Anna (46:37):
Wow.
I think we covered the majorityfor sure.
like I said, I could probablytalk about all of this for a
month, but A lot of the nittygritty, I do always like to say
my favorite quote And this goesback to your struggles of not
(46:57):
filling enough and yourinteractions with that regional
boss, my all time favoritequote, because I struggle with
the same exact feelings of notenough and perfectionism and
people pleasing and trying to beeverything to everyone all the
time.
As you can be the ripest,juiciest peach.
(47:21):
And there are still going to bepeople who don't like peaches
Erin (47:24):
and
Anna (47:26):
I remind myself of that all the time.
And the ironic part of thatbeing my favorite quote is I
actually don't like peaches.
I refuse to eat peaches.
I am 1 of those people who don'tlike peaches, but you can be
everything and.
And there's still going to bepeople who, you're just not
(47:47):
their jam and that's okay.
I am working on accepting thatacceptance.
I'm never going to control whatother people think or do.
All I can do is keep my side ofthe street clean and walk with
(48:10):
kindness and grace.
And I don't do that every day,all the time, but I certainly
try.
It's true.
I love peaches, so I'll give youall the peaches that end up on
my plate.
Erin (48:23):
Sounds great.
I have wanted to have thisconversation for so long with
somebody who had anunderstanding of it on such a
detailed level.
It is just the beginning of whatI feel like the future of senior
living is going and wheresociety is today and for women
(48:46):
to own their power andauthenticity and men to for
everyone to this is a frameworkfor success.
This is not a framework for justfor recovery.
This is a framework on literallybeing a good human and being a
(49:08):
strong and confident human andbeing an accountable human and
attracting more people like thatto you.
Yes.
Yes.
That is why it's a frameworkinside of a successful assisted
living community too.
Anna (49:23):
Yeah, and I used these tools and these steps and these
phrases and prayers pretty muchevery single day of my 13 years
in senior living.
And the days that I forgot themwere not good days, like it, it
didn't go well.
So then it's okay, let's back itup.
(49:46):
Do the step 10 of where did thatgo wrong?
Oh, yeah, I forgot all of this.
I forgot my entire toolbox.
Yikes.
Okay.
So tomorrow we're going to openthe toolbox and use some of
these tools.
Erin (49:59):
Yeah, because tomorrow is a new day.
Yeah.
And I always struggled withbringing the past with me, and
we just can't do that.
Does.
It's not allowed.
No, it's not allowed.
It's not.
And that's what the frameworkdoes.
It releases the past.
And tomorrow is a new day.
And that's the magic ofaccountability.
(50:21):
I saw a quote, it said, ifyou're still viewing me as the
person that I was, you don'tknow me anymore,
Anna (50:28):
Yeah.
I also like that meme.
the person on Facebook from 10years ago is not me, right?
Yes.
I don't know who that was, butthat's not the me of today.
So
Erin (50:44):
yes.
Anna (50:44):
Thank goodness.
We're not perfect.
We're all a work in progress.
Erin (50:49):
Yes.
I may visit there, but I don'tstay there anymore.
You know what I mean?
Nope.
I dip my toe in and then I'mlike, whoops.
Anna (50:57):
Nope.
Don't like that.
Erin (50:59):
Oh, thank you so much for being, yes.
Thank you for being brave.
and courageous and vulnerableand sharing it and letting us
explore it.
And I hope that a lot of peoplecome to the realization that we
are all the same.
We just have different vices anddifferent choices and a negative
(51:20):
mindset is just as destructiveas having two bottles of wine
every night.
It's the same.
It's the same thing.
Just made different choices.
Anna (51:31):
It's toxic.
I'm wearing my dandelionearrings.
Dandelions are one of myfavorite plants.
Uhhuh, and I love that quote.
Some see a weed.
And some See A Wish.
And I love to see a Wish.
Erin (51:46):
That's good.
That's good.
Alright, as to for all of mylisteners, aspire for more for
you.
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