October 30, 2025 • 48 mins
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What if burnout isn’t failure—but feedback?
In this deeply moving and practical conversation, Dr. Kimber Del Valle, psychologist, author, and creator of The Fierce + Gentle Method, joins Erin to explore how our nervous system shapes every aspect of leadership, energy, and resilience.
Together, they unpack how chronic urgency, unhealed stress, and emotional triggers show up in our leadership—and how awareness, presence, and regulation can restore capacity and peace.
From real-world examples in senior living and healthcare to Dr. Kimber’s powerful personal story of loss and renewal, this episode will remind you that your body isn’t your enemy; it’s your greatest guide back to balance.
Key Takeaways
- 🔹 Burnout isn’t exhaustion—it’s a loss of capacity. Learn to recognize when your “gas pedal” and “brake” are out of sync.
- 🔹 Regulation is a leadership skill. Awareness of your nervous system directly affects your decision-making, empathy, and boundaries.
- 🔹 Emotional urgency is real. Especially in healthcare, leaders must learn to pause before reacting to triggers.
- 🔹 You matter. I matter. We matter. Dr. Kimber’s framework for empathy, boundaries, and collective healing.
- 🔹 The power of awe. How noticing beauty, nature, and small moments resets your nervous system and rebuilds capacity.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (00:00):
Thank you for being here today on this
episode.
I'm so excited to talk to Dr.
Kimber Valier, who is apsychologist.
She's also the author of a bookcalled Still Making a Hole When
Parts Go Missing.
Love that title.
She's also the host of a podcastof her own called, I Thought I
Was Over This, where she guideslisteners out of overwhelm back
(00:23):
into their bodies with practicaltools for the nervous system
regulation through her fierce,gentle method.
She teaches that fierce.
Gets you into the healing workand gentle allows you to become
it.
She's all about the pause, whichwe know we're about here too,
which allows you to transformyour stress into presence and
(00:46):
embodied practices that move youfrom racing thoughts into
intentional living.
Her work centers on grabbing theawe in your every day as well as
grieving what was or is.
And releasing what could havebeen and claiming what can be.
(01:08):
Woo.
Because when we name what'shappening in our bodies, we can
change it.
And your epic story emerges.
I don't, I feel like weshouldn't even have to go into a
hook of what this episode is,because That bio is amazing.
So welcome Dr.
Kimber.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (01:27):
Thank you so much.
It is a blessing to be here.
I so love what you are about.
It is needed.
Leaders, especially in thisindustry and healthcare, and
just in these helpingcommunities are needing support
and love and I love what you'redoing.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (01:48):
thank you.
I, was so excited to have you onthis, episode because talking
about our nervous systems andtalking about burnout is not
something that we do on a verydeep level.
Especially in the senior livingindustry, especially in
healthcare.
obviously you're a doctoryourself.
You understand that We ignorethe signs.
(02:11):
I ignore the signs, right?
and we have to stop doing that.
And, it is.
I speak a lot about traumainformed leadership.
but, and it's really like thebody that keeps the score.
And we think that if we justpush through and push through
that, it will stop talking toyou, but it doesn't until it
stops you.
(02:32):
The burnout treadmill that noone trained us for, hello
healthcare workers.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (02:37):
Yes.
And even sometimes when we goand get further education, that
just feels like it's feeding itbecause you go to class, you do
these trainings, it's like youare trained to grind it out
that's a system that doesn'talways honor.
Hey, your nervous systemactually has two sides.
(02:59):
It has a gas pedal and it has abreak.
Where we can rest and digest.
And so many systems, at least inWestern society, ignore that
part.
And so we are so used to the gaspedal until the gas pedal
doesn't work anymore.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (03:19):
Yeah, it's so true.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (03:21):
arrived at burnout.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (03:23):
Yeah.
So define for me burnout from anervous system perspective, from
your perspective, the expert.
I could give you mine, but I ammore interested in yours.
How do you define burnout from anervous system perspective For
what our body is telling us sowe can be aware of it.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (03:46):
Yeah, so I like to define the nervous
system.
very simply, like it's thebody's communication network.
It helps your mind communicate,your brain, communicate to your
body, and so we have thisnetwork.
It helps us sense things.
You and I right now are sensingthings inside of ourselves,
(04:09):
inside of our environment.
how we move when we walk our, wehave our nervous system is
communicating how far is theground beneath my foot when we
think about things.
It has an integration of.
these sensory experiences, plusour memories that we have about
(04:32):
the situation we're in, ourthoughts.
So the nervous system justcommunicates all the time.
It doesn't stop when we sleep.
And so that is one way that Idefine, the nervous system.
And again, I like to think ofyour nervous system as having a
brake pedal, Fancy term is,that's the parasympathetic,
(04:56):
that's the rest and digest.
and then we have a gas pedal andthat is the activation.
And sometimes in trauma informedwork, we get confused and say
activation is bad.
I just wanna clarify.
Being activated, it gets you outof bed in the morning, it.
(05:17):
When we are activated, we can beexcited, we can be joyful.
So the gas pedal is needed, butwhere we get stuck is when we
are constantly on a loop ofactivation in fight or flight,
which as you talk about then caneventually lead to freeze or
fawning.
(05:38):
And we have to be aware of whereour system is.
So that's how I like to talkabout the nervous system.
simply, we have a gas pedal, wehave a break and burnout.
To me, how I like to see it isit has three components we can
get exhausted.
Just physically fatigued.
(05:58):
We are drained.
We're running on empty.
Maybe we feel like our gas tankis rusted.
It can't even hold any gasanymore.
We can also find burnout in thatwe've become detached and we
like apathetic.
Maybe cynical.
That is a sign of burnout.
(06:20):
you just start.
Not caring.
then the other component ofburnout that I like to talk
about is we have reducedeffectiveness, right?
We can no longer do what wecould do before.
And to me, all of those signsare assigned that you are in
burnout or headed towardsburnout.
(06:42):
So when burnout happens in ournervous system, it's, to me,
it's when we lose capacity.
We lose capacity to do what weneed to do.
We can no longer do it.
We go to push on the gas.
It's not there.
It does, we, some days we needthat extra oomph, we need turbo
(07:03):
and it's just not there anymore.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (07:05):
Yeah, I think there's so much I could
say there.
I think capacity is a strongword.
It's certainly a word that I amvery interested in.
right now in, in growingleaders' capacity, it's also
something that I realize, I knowwhat it feels like to feel like
I have reached the capacity.
There is nothing more than I cangive.
(07:27):
I am so upset.
I am very apathetic about acertain portion of my life.
Like I'm highly passionate aboutthis and I'm gonna.
Do everything but this part ofit over here, whatever, that's a
very disassociated, like whenyou said the word disassociated,
like that's very, that's thedisassociation that I can say
(07:50):
was very evident in my life.
That caused, that wreaked a lotof havoc that, that I created
for myself, because I wasn'teven aware that's what I was
struggling with,
kimber-del-valle_1_10- (08:04):
Exactly.
It's like your nervous systemhad to make sense of you
reducing what you could do,right?
So that's why apathy shows up asyour friend to be like, ah,
forget that because you need touse your energy.
What's left to focus on this?
And so you know what happened isyou were at capacity, but if we
(08:28):
talk about it as if it was a jugor a container, you had a
reduced capacity.
And when we are leaders,sometimes the urgent takes over
we forget that we're actuallyhuman and not machines.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (08:45):
Yeah, I, the pushing through is
something that is somewherewhere we can certainly go,
because even now I find myselflike the default mechanism of
pushing through, even though nowI am aware.
That my body keeps the score,that my body understands it more
than my mind does, but my mindtells my body to keep going, and
(09:12):
that is something that has justbeen ingrained in me.
And even though I'm aware of itand I am better, I still
struggle with slowing down attimes.
I'm better.
And I adapt, but I see it.
I'm aware of it.
I feel it.
so that's growth.
That's growth,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (09:31):
that is a hundred percent growth.
And I love that you are aware ofit,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (09:36):
yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (09:37):
what we can name, what we're aware
of, we can change.
And so one of the things that I,'cause you're not alone the, for
myself, what I have learned is Ihave certain signs.
I am just pushing through signis actually that I'm not hungry.
sign for me because if I know Ihave gone say four hours without
(10:01):
eating, but I'm not hungry,actually is a sign that my vagus
nerve is in, activation, which.
Pulls it away from gettinghungry, right?
Our gut has a brain of its ownthat's connected to the vagus
nerve, which is, another way todescribe our nervous system.
(10:23):
So if you are not hungry, thatlikely you are running on
adrenaline, cortisol, all thesethings as if you're being chased
by a tiger you don't need toeat.
in some ways when we are in thatkind of hyperactivation it, our
bodies don't need to eat becausewe're threatened by all that we
(10:46):
have to do.
So a sign for me when I get apause or take a bio break and
realize, oh my goodness, Ihaven't eaten for four hours and
I don't feel hungry.
That is a sign.
I've probably been shallowbreathing.
I have not been slowing down inmy day, so I don't know if that,
(11:11):
like what would, do you have anyawareness of what the signs are?
I hear you.
That your mind is let's justkeep going.
Let's just keep putting thatto-do list ahead.
But are there any signs in yourbody that you would say, give
you an indication that you'rejust grinding it out?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (11:27):
It's definitely not eating.
I love to eat.
I'll tell you, my husband isthat he can go all day without
eating and he, and that is justlike not a thing.
And I am just like, I lovelunch.
I love lunch.
I love breakfast, but my husbandis that, so I agree with that
100%.
(11:47):
for me, I don't know, I think Ican feel it in my reactions.
I can feel it in the way that.
the protective mechanism if itcomes up.
I understand.
or if, I start feeling the tiltof resentment toward one way or
another, like I have learnedthat is a sign for me that this
(12:10):
is my problem.
Whereas before I believed it waseverybody else's fault, and I
think.
That could be further distilleddown.
When I start feeling like thevictim, I have to start looking
at me and not other people,because I have learned in my
life that I have more control ifI choose to use it.
(12:31):
Am I choosing to use it?
Erin,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (12:33):
Yeah, I think that is such good
awareness.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (12:37):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (12:37):
you are tapping into, in my opinion,
how I label it is peoplepleasers, right?
When we are people pleasing orone another way that I describe
it is when you are friends withflight, when you are a FLIR and
an avoider.
When you start feelingresentment, that is a
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (12:57):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (12:58):
that you are not in your power, you
are feeling helpless orpowerless or like a victim,
right?
Use resentment a signal
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (13:10):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (13:11):
ah, I'm not tapping into something
for me.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (13:15):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (13:15):
And not that this is you, so I just
wanna clarify that, but if.
pleasers are listening to What Iwanna say in your nervous system
is that likely in part, somepart of your life, likely
childhood, it served you wellplease someone.
(13:37):
It really served you well.
But now as an adult who isresourceful, who has probably
time and money and otherresources that are your own,
what's happening is your nervoussystem isn't catching up.
As you said, the body keeps thescore.
(13:58):
We, our body does not know wherewe are in time.
Our nervous system is notinterested in where we are in
time.
It is interested in protectingus, so it takes everything
that's happened and it can cometogether in this exact moment.
Which there is such power.
(14:19):
That's why there's such powerabout becoming mindful about
what is happening in thismoment.
Because when we connect our mindwith what's happening, we can.
Do what's called, get a distanceof, oh, wait a second.
I'm not back in my childhoodwhere I actually didn't have the
(14:41):
resources I have where Iactually couldn't leave the room
or when I couldn't speak up formyself, or where I really did
need to please someone in orderto avoid a consequence.
Maybe it was anger or arelational threat.
And so what we have to do inthis case is.
(15:02):
Recalibrate your sensor.
And how we do that is, first ofall, when we're people pleasing,
our sensor is focused oneveryone else first.
And the way that our nervoussystem works is it we have to be
focused on ourselves.
when we're in the airplane,whose mask do we put on first?
(15:23):
We put our air mask on and thenhelp everyone else.
so in that case.
When we have a broken sensor,are focused on other people
first.
So sometimes just even havingthat awareness of allowing
myself to check in what isurgent for me.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (15:45):
Stop.
Sorry.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (15:46):
I love that.
We're just, all right, we'repracticing.
This is exactly what happens tothe leaders listening.
they're focusing and thensomething comes in and just
interferes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (16:00):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (16:00):
it's okay, how in this moment can we
keep going and not be pulledaway by the noise?
be pulled away by the urgency ofthe dog that's in the room.
How can I know in this momentwhat it is that I have
prioritized in order for me toget home in a timely manner?
(16:24):
when I have people coming up tome with their own sense of
urgency, it is so helpful if Iknow what matters.
To get my job done.
As the captain, I'm the only onewho can protect that order of
things.
(16:44):
And here's the thing, when wecan remember that everyone
around you they're asking foryour time, they are doing their
job of advocating forthemselves.
That's them in their bestmoment, but it's up to us to
also show up in our kind ofproverbial best by having
(17:04):
boundaries.
They don't know you're notavailable.
They don't know you're on yourway to another meeting.
They're just interested ingetting their needs met and so
good for them.
Honestly, if I can have thatembodied experience, thank you
for feeling safe enough to comeup and ask me this question, and
(17:27):
thank you so much for wantingthis done for you, and I'm gonna
have to check back in an hour.
I'm off to a meeting.
so and so can help you or right,like in that moment I can even
have an appreciation for the askagain, that means someone feels
(17:49):
safe enough with me to ask.
when I have clarity of what itis I need to do, what is the
most important thing in thismoment?
allows me to then set a boundaryin a way that lands,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (18:05):
In my cynical days, I would have
said to you like, that's nevergonna work.
but it actually does work.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-202 (18:14):
It does work, but I love your
cynicism, right?
Because it's yes, I believe you,you can't imagine it yet you're
so on the edge of burnt out or
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (18:25):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (18:25):
realize your power.
And I loved your episode abouttransitions because it does give
you this hierarchy.
What is the most important thingin this moment?
And when we can internalizethat.
Which we get with experience.
I think when we're not burntout, when we can really have an
hierarchy of what is the mostimportant, it changes
(18:49):
everything.
And in my work in the FierceGentle community, my hierarchy
is your nervous system is themost important.
So if I need to take a bio breakto go do some deep breathing,
because I am so triggered inthis moment, I'm gonna take
responsibility to go have a biobreak and do some very deep
(19:12):
breathing, which a longer exhalehelps, um, order to not say
something that I can't takeback.
That's maturity.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (19:22):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (19:23):
what we learn.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (19:24):
It's so important.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-202 (19:25):
we learn.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (19:26):
yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (19:26):
I really wanna be careful about,
triggers, you to know whenyou're triggered.
You can't help that.
Your response to a trigger, whathappens next is what you help,
you cannot help when you gettriggered that, that's an
automatic response.
Just like when we go intofreeze, if any of you listening
(19:47):
freeze or fawn, those areautomatic.
Biological responses.
Once that happens, you cannothelp it.
Your body has gone into shutdown.
It is a biological, it is not amental.
Now that being said, we try tobe build capacity awareness
(20:09):
before you freeze to see if youcan delay it or if you can keep
it from happening.
Or at after it happens.
At what point do you starthaving an awareness that you're
coming out of freeze coming outof your trigger that has, done
something?
Now, here's the thing.
When we're frozen, guess what?
(20:30):
We're shut down.
The only way out of freeze isbeing activated.
So sometimes that's where we.
freeze, freeze, and then blowour top and say a whole litany
of guess what?
The way out of freeze isactivation.
And if that's me, what I need toown is I need to stay longer in
(20:53):
that pause.
Because if I'm gonna out verynaturally, I'm using quotes,
then that means every time I'mgonna blow my top.
I haven't made a new habit, soit's okay, how can I honor that?
My system wants to go from zeroto a hundred in anger.
means I probably need to go takea walk around the block.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (21:16):
Yeah, I like this, emotional urgency
because really inside seniorliving and inside healthcare in
general, hospital healthcare,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (21:25):
Yeah.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-2 (21:26):
skilled nursing, healthcare, senior
living, healthcare, there is anemotional urgency.
All the time it feels like, andwhen you work inside a community
like this or a profession likethis, there's so many trigger
opportunities.
There's a stat that comes fromthe KARE study of Trauma and
resilience.
There's 34% of the care forcethat works inside senior living,
(21:50):
just senior living alone, andit's just the CARES force that
have a ACEs score of four ormore, 34%, which is double the
general population.
Now you're working with memorycare residents who are gonna say
and do a lot of differentthings.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (22:10):
Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (22:11):
Who are walking in their own,
reality that are reverting backto certain situations and now
they're living in a groupelement.
you're working in independentliving and assisted living where
men or women will say things, dothings that could be
inappropriate and as much asthere is a sense of belonging,
(22:32):
as much as there is a sense of Ican find love here, I can give
love, I can receive love.
You are walking into aprofession that is full of
triggers, especially with theinternet and all the different
things that are on the internetthat people tend to get involved
in when they're really bored andlonely.
(22:53):
Okay.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (22:54):
Preach.
Preach.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10 (22:55):
depending on what your ACEs score is and
what your experience was, thereare a lot of opportunities to
get triggered in a verysignificant way.
And you know how that reactioncomes out is really important
because again, you could freeze.
You could leave, you could justwalk out of the shift, which we
(23:18):
have seen multiple times and notknow why.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (23:21):
Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (23:22):
Or as the leader, you are going to
get somebody's fight reactionand we're gonna have no idea
where it comes from.
And this is emotional urgency.
This is a female resident whocomes to me as a leader because
the neighbor who's a man asks.
Knocks on the door and asks forsexual favors as if it was a cup
(23:44):
of sugar.
And then I have to deal withthat, that is emotional urgency
to somebody, and it's these arethings that we have to deal with
that can be lighthearted andfunny, but also very scary and
dark,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (24:02):
Yes, percent.
Exactly.
and that's so important torealize where am I?
Like when we're, when someone ison the way to work.
I think it would be, it's, itcan be so valuable to look at
what is my capacity today?
am I noticing?
(24:23):
Do I, if I have lots of thingsgoing on at home and then I come
into work and I know I don'thave a lot of capacity, it's who
can be your wing person?
Because our systems work so wellwhen we are.
is a fancy way of saying, I feelsafe with you.
(24:44):
How can I find this safety?
And so sometimes that's a way ofokay, I don't have very much
capacity.
Who can I really ping off of?
'cause our nervous systems arealways in the process of
pinging.
So if I have low capacity.
I'm in emotional urgency.
(25:04):
Then guess what?
That's, that is a recipe forlots of big feelings
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (25:10):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (25:11):
and big reactions.
So I love Dr.
Barbara Frederickson's research.
She has this concept calledbroaden and build.
all around positive interactionsand what she says is that
positive interactions, one, wedon't notice them when we're in
(25:32):
fight or flight.
So when we have an ACE score offour or higher.
Our job is to know, okay, when Iam in a great deal of stress, I
am, I like lots, like theseincidences that you say three or
four of'em are happening all atonce.
I need to know that my nervoussystem is going to go back to
(25:56):
reacting as it did probably inmy childhood.
what is familiar?
nervous system goes to.
So when we are in stressfulsituations, if I don't capture
it, then there is a likelihoodthat I'm gonna have some
responses that aren't good.
if I have a, come from a lot ofdevelopmental trauma or even
(26:20):
relational trauma in myadulthood, so that.
That state of mind automaticallyhas me looking for threats.
the broaden and build sayspositive interactions are
everywhere in our environment.
the problem is they are asmaller, they last smaller.
So unless, or shorter, they let,they're shorter in, in duration.
(26:44):
So unless I'm noticing them.
They don't land in the same waythat the negative and the
threats are landing.
literally one of some of theways that I build capacity I on
the way into work.
I'm looking around.
I'm saying, color's the skytoday?
(27:06):
Look at the texture of thattree.
What flowers are blooming, whatcolors are here?
Because it's a reset, we knowthat awe and nature can help
reset us, so I'm noticing that.
I wanna encourage anyone who's aworrier on the way to work.
cut that habit.
(27:28):
You will do your best thinkingwhen you are regulated.
So on your way to work, buildyour capacity by taking the
tongue off the roof of yourmouth, by softening your jaw, by
softening your eyes, I don'tmean close your eyes.
You're obviously driving.
your hands.
(27:48):
your breath.
Take some deep breaths.
This will help you, not worry,but when you get to work, then
you can start thinking aboutsolutions.
Or if you've gotten to aregulated place, then we know
that regulation and what we callfree associating or daydreaming,
(28:08):
really does.
Help you problem solve.
So if you can do that in thecar, that's perfect.
That's the way to think aboutwork But Barbara's work would
say capture those positivemoments.
You have to look for them, andif you can just sit with them,
changes even the way your eyeslook around the room.
(28:32):
You literally take in moredetails when you are in a more
positive state than if youaren't and they showed, the
research and you can look herup.
She has a TED Talk or whatnot,but.
it's powerful when we can takein the good that is present even
(28:53):
as we have this emotionalurgency, we build our capacity
in the face of urgent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025 (29:00):
I know that to be true now, and I
think about who I was like inthe last eight months inside of
the community, and I would'vesaid, that doesn't change a
thing.
It's not gonna change a thingfor me.
But I was starting to realizethat it does, because it is
true.
When you look for what's right,you're going to see it.
And when your default mechanismis for what's wrong, you're
(29:23):
gonna see it.
if I was going to prove tomyself that I wasn't valued that
nobody knew who I was, all thethings, there was plenty
evidence for that because mybrain was looking for it.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24 (29:34):
That's right.
We have a negative confirmationbias, we are what we believe.
We're gonna look for evidence.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (29:40):
yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (29:40):
very efficient that way,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (29:42):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (29:43):
takes mindfulness.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (29:44):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (29:45):
look at the con at the evidence
that's contrary to that.
So I, and it's I love theskepticism, yeah, be skeptical,
but what does it lose to try itout?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24 (29:56):
right.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (29:56):
What do you have to lose to try it?
If you're listening and you canrelate to Aaron's skepticism,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (30:03):
Yeah,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (30:03):
what do you have to lose to try it?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (30:06):
it is.
It's a much better way to live,and it's a choice, which I think
I didn't understand before thatit was a choice.
I thought that this crazy way Ithought these defensive
mechanisms I had were just builtin.
I had no idea that I literallycould control it to some extent.
(30:30):
to really make a fighting effortto say.
look how pretty the sky is, andthen to feel, I didn't know how
to understand these sensations,to feel like the grip, the
anxiety grip my heart was underto feel it relaxed.
It's like you always hadforeboding joy.
(30:51):
You are always waiting for thenext shoe to drop.
it's just much better to enjoythe moment.
While you're waiting for thenext shoe to drop, and then if
the next shoe drops, at leastyou have 30 minutes of joy.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (31:03):
That is so true and I really came
upon this truth.
out of desperation and it seemspart of you too, right?
My, my rock bottom.
And, I hope that you can, ifyou're listening here, just,
make sure that you're grounded.
I'm gonna share a trauma eventfor my family.
(31:27):
Just keep breathing.
my family is thriving is, myrock bottom was when my middle
child died with stillbirth and Ihad a three and a half year old.
She needed her mom.
I was devastated.
She was devastated.
My husband was devastated, soour household was devastated.
(31:50):
And yet a three and a half yearold, a 4-year-old, still needs
her parents.
And so every single day I wouldgo out, take a walk.
I would watch the squirrels andI would have the capacity parent
very presently as my daughterwas making sense that her
(32:13):
brother did not come home fromthe hospital and felt, had about
that.
The doctors.
Stole the baby and things likethat.
And how do you build capacity inthat moment?
me, I did by going outside, bynoticing the sun every single
(32:33):
day.
Every day the sunset comes upand it sets, and there was
something about that devastationof just recognizing that a
pausing, I'm not a morningperson, so I only paused for
sunset.
But every day.
And that is a tradition in ourfamily.
Deval pause for sunsets.
(32:56):
And we were gifted that by BabyLong Beach I didn't realize when
I was pregnant with him, ofcourse, I didn't realize that
was all the time that I wasgonna get, I realized I was in
urgency.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (33:12):
Yep.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (33:12):
was getting postdoc hours.
I was teaching two classes.
Again, my daughter.
a wife and I thought I wouldenjoy him when he arrived and I
never got that chance.
And so I wanna say to all ofyou, I, we need to break the
chains that you are, the urgentis always going to be there.
(33:36):
we need to break the belief thatif you don't get to it, it's
gonna, your ship is gonna sink.
No.
What, what's being asked of youis to have a bit of trust you
can do things differently andit's still going to survive
that's what it asks.
It's anxiety producing to stopthe urgent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (33:56):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (33:57):
totally anxiety producing until you do
it
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (34:00):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (34:01):
because it's unfamiliar to you.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (34:03):
It is so true.
It's so true.
It is.
it is so true.
When you get to the other side,you're going to, you're going to
look back and you're going to belike, oh God.
So all, all, a lot of that wasjust me.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (34:17):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (34:18):
lot of it was just me, the way I
thought about it, the way I feltabout it, because our body, if
we can sum up these, a, if thissounds familiar, feeling like
this is like a problem containerall day.
I'm carrying this all day.
You're not alone because the twoof us have felt that way
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (34:36):
Yep.
Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (34:37):
and you don't have to stay there.
This entire episode has been howto shift that, and then you are
not reacting to what'shappening.
And I think that's an veryimportant awareness.
They are not reacting to what'shappening.
When you have a fight responsefrom somebody who has been
triggered or you have yourresponse, who has.
(34:59):
Because you've been triggered.
You're not reacting to what'shappening in the moment.
You're reacting to whatever itis that's unhealed inside of you
from in the past, and your bodyis remembering what happened,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (35:14):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (35:15):
in front of you is not to cause for
that.
It's not.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24 (35:18):
That's right.
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
I describe in a model that Icreated based off my training
with the body.
And it's, I matter, you matter,we matter at
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24 (35:34):
That's good.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (35:35):
and when I can hold all of those
three things.
Starting with me, I matterbecause I know my capacity in
this moment.
I know that it what's happeninginside of me.
When someone is coming at mewith their fight response, do I
need to pull someone in becauseI do not have capacity today,
(35:56):
and so we need to be a team orcan I appreciate this person's
nervous system.
Because I, I may have capacityand like it is my greatest
desire to hear what you have tosay, and I can see that you are
very angry.
So I am here to help you.
Do you believe that?
(36:18):
And sometimes asking the persona question
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (36:21):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (36:22):
helps them get into right when we're
in the fight response.
We're in our limbic system andwhen we ask someone a question,
we are giving them theopportunity to pull up into
their prefrontal cortex, whichis their brain.
when we are in a fight or flightresponse, we need our thinking
brain.
So what do you hear me saying?
(36:43):
Is a great question, or do youbelieve that I'm here to help
you?
That can be a great question forredirecting if, sometimes I can
say, hold on.
You're giving me a lot.
Let me repeat back to you what Ihear you saying.
That is a way that I can keep inmy prefrontal cortex because if
(37:05):
I know I'm losing it, but I haveto keep reflecting back to the
person what they're saying.
That is incredibly helpful forme to make sure I'm listening
accurately.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (37:17):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (37:18):
and then that's where we get the we
matter, because now suddenlywe're asking questions and then
we're answering them.
So
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025 (37:25):
I love that you matter here.
I matter here and together.
We matter here, so we need towork through this together.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (37:33):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24 (37:34):
That's a deescalating very quickly.
and I love how you said earlierthat regulation, your regulation
as a leader is a leadershipskill and in the emotional
urgency that we have inside thehealthcare profession.
That's really important becauseI'll speak for me, because I was
(37:55):
a servant type leader.
I gave everything I had.
I realize now that's not theappropriate way to get people to
do things.
You can still give everything,or you can still give a lot, but
if you're not receiving, ifyou're not plugging in, if
you're not growing, you don'thave anything to give.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (38:17):
Yes,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (38:17):
And so you have got to stop giving
and learn how to plug in and tostart receiving because that is
how you give.
As a servant leader, as somebodywho values people, as somebody
who's passionate about improvingthe lives of other people, you
have to improve yourself,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (38:35):
a hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (38:38):
and I love that regulation is
literally building yourcapacity.
It is a skill.
I
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (38:44):
A hundred percent right.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (38:46):
love that.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (38:47):
like listening to this podcast is a
way give to yourself, people whoare on your team.
That is everything also in, in,emotional regulation.
Now, I do wanna say
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (39:00):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (39:01):
when we are in burnout, we're
exhausted cynicism, we can havea tendency to vent and there is
nothing wrong with venting.
But here's where I wanna make mypoint about venting.
If you keep sharing thestressful stories, your body
does not know that it's nothappening real time.
So when you say things, whenyou're telling a story, right?
(39:24):
And part of my intro for when Ishare about my son's death, it's
Hey, let's all ground ourselvesbecause I want my nervous system
to know, hey, that we're inpresent time.
So when we're venting andsharing about our day, we need
to make sure that it feelsdifferently in our body when
(39:45):
we're sharing it The second orthird time.
And if it's not, then you'rejust recreating the stressful
situation and your body is notgetting downtime.
So really think about, do youneed to share this or can you
share it from a position of,Ugh, the emotional urgent did
(40:06):
not stop today and my systemfeels like it's been beat up.
That's a way different way thantelling the stories one after
the other of what happened.
And so I just wanna invite youto try that method and see if it
actually helps your system comedown.
Because again, what's familiar,if you're used to doing the
(40:30):
hamster wheel and going andgoing and going and never
stopping, you are, you're gonnakeep that going at home.
Because that's what's familiarto your system, and so we need
opportunities to reset, and whenwe reset, we can reset by doing
things like meditating.
We can do things like yoga, wecan do things like, this is what
(40:54):
we do in my fierce, gentlecommunity.
We do a grounding exercise everysingle time, because otherwise,
it's almost like asking a fishto describe what wet is.
You're not outside of yournervous system, you can't really
describe it.
Like you said, when you gotawareness of it, it changes
everything.
(41:15):
But there's also people who aremore frozen and I feel like they
sometimes get under unnamed.
Okay?
So for my freezers in burnout,you cannot take a hot bath.
That just reinforces your frozenstate.
Yes, it will take some of thestress out.
Epsom salt baths are great foryou.
(41:36):
That's not what I'm saying, butyou need to get something else.
Maybe you need to get to a spinclass.
Maybe you need to get to a briskwalking club.
Maybe you need to get to akickboxing class, know where you
are when your system isexhausted.
Do you actually go intohyperdrive or do you freeze?
And you need the opposite tohelp reset you.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (41:59):
So true.
You are important.
You cannot help anybody if youcannot help yourself.
she just gave us examples of howto steward.
Your nervous system and we'vegotta shift our mindset from
control and manage to steward,to lead, and to guide.
And as a leader, you can setthat example inside of your
(42:19):
community.
When you are practicing ityourself, no one's coming to
save you.
So if you are the one that'sdriving to work, listening to
this or home from work, andyou're already gripping the
steering wheel and you'rebreathing shallow and you're
bracing for impact.
If that was me, just take a deepbreath, just like Dr.
Kimber just said, and learn howto identify your nervous system.
(42:44):
Learn.
Learn from people maybe in yourcommunity who are overreacting.
do you feel the same way inside?
And when you're triggered, doyou overreact that way too?
What are those moments?
Because those triggers areinvitations to look at you
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (43:00):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (43:00):
say, Hey, where is this coming from?
It's not who you are.
I think that people make thatmistake.
These are invitations.
These are little teaching.
These are little lights, likeyour tire's low on your car.
Like these are little lights.
something's not right here.
Something's not right here.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (43:18):
that.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (43:19):
so you can't keep others warm.
By burning out, you cannotcontrol people.
You cannot love people enough.
They can only fix themselves.
You can only regulate and becomeaware of yourself, and that's
how you grow your capacity is tobecoming more aware.
(43:41):
And Dr.
Kimber just gave us amasterclass and how to do that.
Thank you.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-202 (43:45):
so much.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (43:47):
Yeah.
So anything, any last words thatyou want to say?
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (43:50):
you matter.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (43:52):
Yep.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (43:52):
are a sacred being and you're not
alone.
You are not alone.
And if you are on the edge ofburnout or you're e or before
you're in burnout, but you're infight or flight all
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-2 (44:05):
Mm-hmm.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (44:06):
your body has gone potentially into a
place where you're not utilizingyour fellow companions for
regulation because we go intoself-protective mode.
So how can you embody?
You are not alone.
Again, burnout can be like, Iwork with idiots, I work with
(44:27):
idiot.
Like that belief over and overagain.
Of course you're not gonna bepinging out for help, right?
Your system is gonna be like, Igotta do it all.
So how can we rewrite yourstory?
Just capture your thoughts.
Notice what you're saying, whatyou're thinking.
is that driving you to beregulated That's your
(44:50):
responsibility is you cancapture what you're thinking
because thinking is feeling inyour body.
Your body is going throughwhatever you're thinking, even
if you're keeping thoughts toyourself.
People say all the time in mypractice, oh, but I never say
it.
It's matter.
It oozes out of you, it oozesout.
(45:11):
You are highly nonverbal.
All of us are.
it oozes out.
So That would be the, probablythe only thing is are not alone.
leaning into that and again,thank you for having me along
for the ride, and it's been justsuch a gift to be with you,
Aaron.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_ (45:29):
Absolutely.
Pleasure is all mine.
And if you want more support,you can listen to Dr.
Kimber's podcast.
I thought I was over this.
Or join her community, fierceand gentle.
and if this is calling you, ifyou hear this, if you saw
yourself on fire listening tothis, or you felt the call to
start noticing the roses, namewhat you're carrying and
(45:49):
remember, stewarding you is thebest thing that any company, any
community, any resident, anyassociate could ever want from
you.
And let's not even talk aboutyour family.
Okay.
So boundaries are important.
You are important, and as Dr.
Kimber says, we matter.
(46:10):
and that's the whole premise ofaspiring for more, knowing that
you're already enough.
So have a great day, and thankyou for listening.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (46:19):
Thank you.
Thank you for being here today on this
episode.
I'm so excited to talk to Dr.
Kimber Valier, who is apsychologist.
She's also the author of a bookcalled Still Making a Hole When
Parts Go Missing.
Love that title.
She's also the host of a podcastof her own called, I Thought I
Was Over This, where she guideslisteners out of overwhelm back
(00:23):
into their bodies with practicaltools for the nervous system
regulation through her fierce,gentle method.
She teaches that fierce.
Gets you into the healing workand gentle allows you to become
it.
She's all about the pause, whichwe know we're about here too,
which allows you to transformyour stress into presence and
(00:46):
embodied practices that move youfrom racing thoughts into
intentional living.
Her work centers on grabbing theawe in your every day as well as
grieving what was or is.
And releasing what could havebeen and claiming what can be.
(01:08):
Woo.
Because when we name what'shappening in our bodies, we can
change it.
And your epic story emerges.
I don't, I feel like weshouldn't even have to go into a
hook of what this episode is,because That bio is amazing.
So welcome Dr.
Kimber.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (01:27):
Thank you so much.
It is a blessing to be here.
I so love what you are about.
It is needed.
Leaders, especially in thisindustry and healthcare, and
just in these helpingcommunities are needing support
and love and I love what you'redoing.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (01:48):
thank you.
I, was so excited to have you onthis, episode because talking
about our nervous systems andtalking about burnout is not
something that we do on a verydeep level.
Especially in the senior livingindustry, especially in
healthcare.
obviously you're a doctoryourself.
You understand that We ignorethe signs.
(02:11):
I ignore the signs, right?
and we have to stop doing that.
And, it is.
I speak a lot about traumainformed leadership.
but, and it's really like thebody that keeps the score.
And we think that if we justpush through and push through
that, it will stop talking toyou, but it doesn't until it
stops you.
(02:32):
The burnout treadmill that noone trained us for, hello
healthcare workers.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (02:37):
Yes.
And even sometimes when we goand get further education, that
just feels like it's feeding itbecause you go to class, you do
these trainings, it's like youare trained to grind it out
that's a system that doesn'talways honor.
Hey, your nervous systemactually has two sides.
(02:59):
It has a gas pedal and it has abreak.
Where we can rest and digest.
And so many systems, at least inWestern society, ignore that
part.
And so we are so used to the gaspedal until the gas pedal
doesn't work anymore.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (03:19):
Yeah, it's so true.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (03:21):
arrived at burnout.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (03:23):
Yeah.
So define for me burnout from anervous system perspective, from
your perspective, the expert.
I could give you mine, but I ammore interested in yours.
How do you define burnout from anervous system perspective For
what our body is telling us sowe can be aware of it.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (03:46):
Yeah, so I like to define the nervous
system.
very simply, like it's thebody's communication network.
It helps your mind communicate,your brain, communicate to your
body, and so we have thisnetwork.
It helps us sense things.
You and I right now are sensingthings inside of ourselves,
(04:09):
inside of our environment.
how we move when we walk our, wehave our nervous system is
communicating how far is theground beneath my foot when we
think about things.
It has an integration of.
these sensory experiences, plusour memories that we have about
(04:32):
the situation we're in, ourthoughts.
So the nervous system justcommunicates all the time.
It doesn't stop when we sleep.
And so that is one way that Idefine, the nervous system.
And again, I like to think ofyour nervous system as having a
brake pedal, Fancy term is,that's the parasympathetic,
(04:56):
that's the rest and digest.
and then we have a gas pedal andthat is the activation.
And sometimes in trauma informedwork, we get confused and say
activation is bad.
I just wanna clarify.
Being activated, it gets you outof bed in the morning, it.
(05:17):
When we are activated, we can beexcited, we can be joyful.
So the gas pedal is needed, butwhere we get stuck is when we
are constantly on a loop ofactivation in fight or flight,
which as you talk about then caneventually lead to freeze or
fawning.
(05:38):
And we have to be aware of whereour system is.
So that's how I like to talkabout the nervous system.
simply, we have a gas pedal, wehave a break and burnout.
To me, how I like to see it isit has three components we can
get exhausted.
Just physically fatigued.
(05:58):
We are drained.
We're running on empty.
Maybe we feel like our gas tankis rusted.
It can't even hold any gasanymore.
We can also find burnout in thatwe've become detached and we
like apathetic.
Maybe cynical.
That is a sign of burnout.
(06:20):
you just start.
Not caring.
then the other component ofburnout that I like to talk
about is we have reducedeffectiveness, right?
We can no longer do what wecould do before.
And to me, all of those signsare assigned that you are in
burnout or headed towardsburnout.
(06:42):
So when burnout happens in ournervous system, it's, to me,
it's when we lose capacity.
We lose capacity to do what weneed to do.
We can no longer do it.
We go to push on the gas.
It's not there.
It does, we, some days we needthat extra oomph, we need turbo
(07:03):
and it's just not there anymore.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (07:05):
Yeah, I think there's so much I could
say there.
I think capacity is a strongword.
It's certainly a word that I amvery interested in.
right now in, in growingleaders' capacity, it's also
something that I realize, I knowwhat it feels like to feel like
I have reached the capacity.
There is nothing more than I cangive.
(07:27):
I am so upset.
I am very apathetic about acertain portion of my life.
Like I'm highly passionate aboutthis and I'm gonna.
Do everything but this part ofit over here, whatever, that's a
very disassociated, like whenyou said the word disassociated,
like that's very, that's thedisassociation that I can say
(07:50):
was very evident in my life.
That caused, that wreaked a lotof havoc that, that I created
for myself, because I wasn'teven aware that's what I was
struggling with,
kimber-del-valle_1_10- (08:04):
Exactly.
It's like your nervous systemhad to make sense of you
reducing what you could do,right?
So that's why apathy shows up asyour friend to be like, ah,
forget that because you need touse your energy.
What's left to focus on this?
And so you know what happened isyou were at capacity, but if we
(08:28):
talk about it as if it was a jugor a container, you had a
reduced capacity.
And when we are leaders,sometimes the urgent takes over
we forget that we're actuallyhuman and not machines.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (08:45):
Yeah, I, the pushing through is
something that is somewherewhere we can certainly go,
because even now I find myselflike the default mechanism of
pushing through, even though nowI am aware.
That my body keeps the score,that my body understands it more
than my mind does, but my mindtells my body to keep going, and
(09:12):
that is something that has justbeen ingrained in me.
And even though I'm aware of itand I am better, I still
struggle with slowing down attimes.
I'm better.
And I adapt, but I see it.
I'm aware of it.
I feel it.
so that's growth.
That's growth,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (09:31):
that is a hundred percent growth.
And I love that you are aware ofit,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (09:36):
yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (09:37):
what we can name, what we're aware
of, we can change.
And so one of the things that I,'cause you're not alone the, for
myself, what I have learned is Ihave certain signs.
I am just pushing through signis actually that I'm not hungry.
sign for me because if I know Ihave gone say four hours without
(10:01):
eating, but I'm not hungry,actually is a sign that my vagus
nerve is in, activation, which.
Pulls it away from gettinghungry, right?
Our gut has a brain of its ownthat's connected to the vagus
nerve, which is, another way todescribe our nervous system.
(10:23):
So if you are not hungry, thatlikely you are running on
adrenaline, cortisol, all thesethings as if you're being chased
by a tiger you don't need toeat.
in some ways when we are in thatkind of hyperactivation it, our
bodies don't need to eat becausewe're threatened by all that we
(10:46):
have to do.
So a sign for me when I get apause or take a bio break and
realize, oh my goodness, Ihaven't eaten for four hours and
I don't feel hungry.
That is a sign.
I've probably been shallowbreathing.
I have not been slowing down inmy day, so I don't know if that,
(11:11):
like what would, do you have anyawareness of what the signs are?
I hear you.
That your mind is let's justkeep going.
Let's just keep putting thatto-do list ahead.
But are there any signs in yourbody that you would say, give
you an indication that you'rejust grinding it out?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (11:27):
It's definitely not eating.
I love to eat.
I'll tell you, my husband isthat he can go all day without
eating and he, and that is justlike not a thing.
And I am just like, I lovelunch.
I love lunch.
I love breakfast, but my husbandis that, so I agree with that
100%.
(11:47):
for me, I don't know, I think Ican feel it in my reactions.
I can feel it in the way that.
the protective mechanism if itcomes up.
I understand.
or if, I start feeling the tiltof resentment toward one way or
another, like I have learnedthat is a sign for me that this
(12:10):
is my problem.
Whereas before I believed it waseverybody else's fault, and I
think.
That could be further distilleddown.
When I start feeling like thevictim, I have to start looking
at me and not other people,because I have learned in my
life that I have more control ifI choose to use it.
(12:31):
Am I choosing to use it?
Erin,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (12:33):
Yeah, I think that is such good
awareness.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (12:37):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (12:37):
you are tapping into, in my opinion,
how I label it is peoplepleasers, right?
When we are people pleasing orone another way that I describe
it is when you are friends withflight, when you are a FLIR and
an avoider.
When you start feelingresentment, that is a
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (12:57):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (12:58):
that you are not in your power, you
are feeling helpless orpowerless or like a victim,
right?
Use resentment a signal
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (13:10):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (13:11):
ah, I'm not tapping into something
for me.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (13:15):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (13:15):
And not that this is you, so I just
wanna clarify that, but if.
pleasers are listening to What Iwanna say in your nervous system
is that likely in part, somepart of your life, likely
childhood, it served you wellplease someone.
(13:37):
It really served you well.
But now as an adult who isresourceful, who has probably
time and money and otherresources that are your own,
what's happening is your nervoussystem isn't catching up.
As you said, the body keeps thescore.
(13:58):
We, our body does not know wherewe are in time.
Our nervous system is notinterested in where we are in
time.
It is interested in protectingus, so it takes everything
that's happened and it can cometogether in this exact moment.
Which there is such power.
(14:19):
That's why there's such powerabout becoming mindful about
what is happening in thismoment.
Because when we connect our mindwith what's happening, we can.
Do what's called, get a distanceof, oh, wait a second.
I'm not back in my childhoodwhere I actually didn't have the
(14:41):
resources I have where Iactually couldn't leave the room
or when I couldn't speak up formyself, or where I really did
need to please someone in orderto avoid a consequence.
Maybe it was anger or arelational threat.
And so what we have to do inthis case is.
(15:02):
Recalibrate your sensor.
And how we do that is, first ofall, when we're people pleasing,
our sensor is focused oneveryone else first.
And the way that our nervoussystem works is it we have to be
focused on ourselves.
when we're in the airplane,whose mask do we put on first?
(15:23):
We put our air mask on and thenhelp everyone else.
so in that case.
When we have a broken sensor,are focused on other people
first.
So sometimes just even havingthat awareness of allowing
myself to check in what isurgent for me.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (15:45):
Stop.
Sorry.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (15:46):
I love that.
We're just, all right, we'repracticing.
This is exactly what happens tothe leaders listening.
they're focusing and thensomething comes in and just
interferes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (16:00):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (16:00):
it's okay, how in this moment can we
keep going and not be pulledaway by the noise?
be pulled away by the urgency ofthe dog that's in the room.
How can I know in this momentwhat it is that I have
prioritized in order for me toget home in a timely manner?
(16:24):
when I have people coming up tome with their own sense of
urgency, it is so helpful if Iknow what matters.
To get my job done.
As the captain, I'm the only onewho can protect that order of
things.
(16:44):
And here's the thing, when wecan remember that everyone
around you they're asking foryour time, they are doing their
job of advocating forthemselves.
That's them in their bestmoment, but it's up to us to
also show up in our kind ofproverbial best by having
(17:04):
boundaries.
They don't know you're notavailable.
They don't know you're on yourway to another meeting.
They're just interested ingetting their needs met and so
good for them.
Honestly, if I can have thatembodied experience, thank you
for feeling safe enough to comeup and ask me this question, and
(17:27):
thank you so much for wantingthis done for you, and I'm gonna
have to check back in an hour.
I'm off to a meeting.
so and so can help you or right,like in that moment I can even
have an appreciation for the askagain, that means someone feels
(17:49):
safe enough with me to ask.
when I have clarity of what itis I need to do, what is the
most important thing in thismoment?
allows me to then set a boundaryin a way that lands,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (18:05):
In my cynical days, I would have
said to you like, that's nevergonna work.
but it actually does work.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-202 (18:14):
It does work, but I love your
cynicism, right?
Because it's yes, I believe you,you can't imagine it yet you're
so on the edge of burnt out or
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (18:25):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (18:25):
realize your power.
And I loved your episode abouttransitions because it does give
you this hierarchy.
What is the most important thingin this moment?
And when we can internalizethat.
Which we get with experience.
I think when we're not burntout, when we can really have an
hierarchy of what is the mostimportant, it changes
(18:49):
everything.
And in my work in the FierceGentle community, my hierarchy
is your nervous system is themost important.
So if I need to take a bio breakto go do some deep breathing,
because I am so triggered inthis moment, I'm gonna take
responsibility to go have a biobreak and do some very deep
(19:12):
breathing, which a longer exhalehelps, um, order to not say
something that I can't takeback.
That's maturity.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (19:22):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (19:23):
what we learn.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (19:24):
It's so important.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-202 (19:25):
we learn.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (19:26):
yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (19:26):
I really wanna be careful about,
triggers, you to know whenyou're triggered.
You can't help that.
Your response to a trigger, whathappens next is what you help,
you cannot help when you gettriggered that, that's an
automatic response.
Just like when we go intofreeze, if any of you listening
(19:47):
freeze or fawn, those areautomatic.
Biological responses.
Once that happens, you cannothelp it.
Your body has gone into shutdown.
It is a biological, it is not amental.
Now that being said, we try tobe build capacity awareness
(20:09):
before you freeze to see if youcan delay it or if you can keep
it from happening.
Or at after it happens.
At what point do you starthaving an awareness that you're
coming out of freeze coming outof your trigger that has, done
something?
Now, here's the thing.
When we're frozen, guess what?
(20:30):
We're shut down.
The only way out of freeze isbeing activated.
So sometimes that's where we.
freeze, freeze, and then blowour top and say a whole litany
of guess what?
The way out of freeze isactivation.
And if that's me, what I need toown is I need to stay longer in
(20:53):
that pause.
Because if I'm gonna out verynaturally, I'm using quotes,
then that means every time I'mgonna blow my top.
I haven't made a new habit, soit's okay, how can I honor that?
My system wants to go from zeroto a hundred in anger.
means I probably need to go takea walk around the block.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (21:16):
Yeah, I like this, emotional urgency
because really inside seniorliving and inside healthcare in
general, hospital healthcare,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (21:25):
Yeah.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-2 (21:26):
skilled nursing, healthcare, senior
living, healthcare, there is anemotional urgency.
All the time it feels like, andwhen you work inside a community
like this or a profession likethis, there's so many trigger
opportunities.
There's a stat that comes fromthe KARE study of Trauma and
resilience.
There's 34% of the care forcethat works inside senior living,
(21:50):
just senior living alone, andit's just the CARES force that
have a ACEs score of four ormore, 34%, which is double the
general population.
Now you're working with memorycare residents who are gonna say
and do a lot of differentthings.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (22:10):
Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (22:11):
Who are walking in their own,
reality that are reverting backto certain situations and now
they're living in a groupelement.
you're working in independentliving and assisted living where
men or women will say things, dothings that could be
inappropriate and as much asthere is a sense of belonging,
(22:32):
as much as there is a sense of Ican find love here, I can give
love, I can receive love.
You are walking into aprofession that is full of
triggers, especially with theinternet and all the different
things that are on the internetthat people tend to get involved
in when they're really bored andlonely.
(22:53):
Okay.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (22:54):
Preach.
Preach.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10 (22:55):
depending on what your ACEs score is and
what your experience was, thereare a lot of opportunities to
get triggered in a verysignificant way.
And you know how that reactioncomes out is really important
because again, you could freeze.
You could leave, you could justwalk out of the shift, which we
(23:18):
have seen multiple times and notknow why.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (23:21):
Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (23:22):
Or as the leader, you are going to
get somebody's fight reactionand we're gonna have no idea
where it comes from.
And this is emotional urgency.
This is a female resident whocomes to me as a leader because
the neighbor who's a man asks.
Knocks on the door and asks forsexual favors as if it was a cup
(23:44):
of sugar.
And then I have to deal withthat, that is emotional urgency
to somebody, and it's these arethings that we have to deal with
that can be lighthearted andfunny, but also very scary and
dark,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (24:02):
Yes, percent.
Exactly.
and that's so important torealize where am I?
Like when we're, when someone ison the way to work.
I think it would be, it's, itcan be so valuable to look at
what is my capacity today?
am I noticing?
(24:23):
Do I, if I have lots of thingsgoing on at home and then I come
into work and I know I don'thave a lot of capacity, it's who
can be your wing person?
Because our systems work so wellwhen we are.
is a fancy way of saying, I feelsafe with you.
(24:44):
How can I find this safety?
And so sometimes that's a way ofokay, I don't have very much
capacity.
Who can I really ping off of?
'cause our nervous systems arealways in the process of
pinging.
So if I have low capacity.
I'm in emotional urgency.
(25:04):
Then guess what?
That's, that is a recipe forlots of big feelings
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (25:10):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (25:11):
and big reactions.
So I love Dr.
Barbara Frederickson's research.
She has this concept calledbroaden and build.
all around positive interactionsand what she says is that
positive interactions, one, wedon't notice them when we're in
(25:32):
fight or flight.
So when we have an ACE score offour or higher.
Our job is to know, okay, when Iam in a great deal of stress, I
am, I like lots, like theseincidences that you say three or
four of'em are happening all atonce.
I need to know that my nervoussystem is going to go back to
(25:56):
reacting as it did probably inmy childhood.
what is familiar?
nervous system goes to.
So when we are in stressfulsituations, if I don't capture
it, then there is a likelihoodthat I'm gonna have some
responses that aren't good.
if I have a, come from a lot ofdevelopmental trauma or even
(26:20):
relational trauma in myadulthood, so that.
That state of mind automaticallyhas me looking for threats.
the broaden and build sayspositive interactions are
everywhere in our environment.
the problem is they are asmaller, they last smaller.
So unless, or shorter, they let,they're shorter in, in duration.
(26:44):
So unless I'm noticing them.
They don't land in the same waythat the negative and the
threats are landing.
literally one of some of theways that I build capacity I on
the way into work.
I'm looking around.
I'm saying, color's the skytoday?
(27:06):
Look at the texture of thattree.
What flowers are blooming, whatcolors are here?
Because it's a reset, we knowthat awe and nature can help
reset us, so I'm noticing that.
I wanna encourage anyone who's aworrier on the way to work.
cut that habit.
(27:28):
You will do your best thinkingwhen you are regulated.
So on your way to work, buildyour capacity by taking the
tongue off the roof of yourmouth, by softening your jaw, by
softening your eyes, I don'tmean close your eyes.
You're obviously driving.
your hands.
(27:48):
your breath.
Take some deep breaths.
This will help you, not worry,but when you get to work, then
you can start thinking aboutsolutions.
Or if you've gotten to aregulated place, then we know
that regulation and what we callfree associating or daydreaming,
(28:08):
really does.
Help you problem solve.
So if you can do that in thecar, that's perfect.
That's the way to think aboutwork But Barbara's work would
say capture those positivemoments.
You have to look for them, andif you can just sit with them,
changes even the way your eyeslook around the room.
(28:32):
You literally take in moredetails when you are in a more
positive state than if youaren't and they showed, the
research and you can look herup.
She has a TED Talk or whatnot,but.
it's powerful when we can takein the good that is present even
(28:53):
as we have this emotionalurgency, we build our capacity
in the face of urgent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025 (29:00):
I know that to be true now, and I
think about who I was like inthe last eight months inside of
the community, and I would'vesaid, that doesn't change a
thing.
It's not gonna change a thingfor me.
But I was starting to realizethat it does, because it is
true.
When you look for what's right,you're going to see it.
And when your default mechanismis for what's wrong, you're
(29:23):
gonna see it.
if I was going to prove tomyself that I wasn't valued that
nobody knew who I was, all thethings, there was plenty
evidence for that because mybrain was looking for it.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24 (29:34):
That's right.
We have a negative confirmationbias, we are what we believe.
We're gonna look for evidence.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (29:40):
yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (29:40):
very efficient that way,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (29:42):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (29:43):
takes mindfulness.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (29:44):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (29:45):
look at the con at the evidence
that's contrary to that.
So I, and it's I love theskepticism, yeah, be skeptical,
but what does it lose to try itout?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24 (29:56):
right.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (29:56):
What do you have to lose to try it?
If you're listening and you canrelate to Aaron's skepticism,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (30:03):
Yeah,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (30:03):
what do you have to lose to try it?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (30:06):
it is.
It's a much better way to live,and it's a choice, which I think
I didn't understand before thatit was a choice.
I thought that this crazy way Ithought these defensive
mechanisms I had were just builtin.
I had no idea that I literallycould control it to some extent.
(30:30):
to really make a fighting effortto say.
look how pretty the sky is, andthen to feel, I didn't know how
to understand these sensations,to feel like the grip, the
anxiety grip my heart was underto feel it relaxed.
It's like you always hadforeboding joy.
(30:51):
You are always waiting for thenext shoe to drop.
it's just much better to enjoythe moment.
While you're waiting for thenext shoe to drop, and then if
the next shoe drops, at leastyou have 30 minutes of joy.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (31:03):
That is so true and I really came
upon this truth.
out of desperation and it seemspart of you too, right?
My, my rock bottom.
And, I hope that you can, ifyou're listening here, just,
make sure that you're grounded.
I'm gonna share a trauma eventfor my family.
(31:27):
Just keep breathing.
my family is thriving is, myrock bottom was when my middle
child died with stillbirth and Ihad a three and a half year old.
She needed her mom.
I was devastated.
She was devastated.
My husband was devastated, soour household was devastated.
(31:50):
And yet a three and a half yearold, a 4-year-old, still needs
her parents.
And so every single day I wouldgo out, take a walk.
I would watch the squirrels andI would have the capacity parent
very presently as my daughterwas making sense that her
(32:13):
brother did not come home fromthe hospital and felt, had about
that.
The doctors.
Stole the baby and things likethat.
And how do you build capacity inthat moment?
me, I did by going outside, bynoticing the sun every single
(32:33):
day.
Every day the sunset comes upand it sets, and there was
something about that devastationof just recognizing that a
pausing, I'm not a morningperson, so I only paused for
sunset.
But every day.
And that is a tradition in ourfamily.
Deval pause for sunsets.
(32:56):
And we were gifted that by BabyLong Beach I didn't realize when
I was pregnant with him, ofcourse, I didn't realize that
was all the time that I wasgonna get, I realized I was in
urgency.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (33:12):
Yep.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (33:12):
was getting postdoc hours.
I was teaching two classes.
Again, my daughter.
a wife and I thought I wouldenjoy him when he arrived and I
never got that chance.
And so I wanna say to all ofyou, I, we need to break the
chains that you are, the urgentis always going to be there.
(33:36):
we need to break the belief thatif you don't get to it, it's
gonna, your ship is gonna sink.
No.
What, what's being asked of youis to have a bit of trust you
can do things differently andit's still going to survive
that's what it asks.
It's anxiety producing to stopthe urgent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (33:56):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (33:57):
totally anxiety producing until you do
it
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (34:00):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-2 (34:01):
because it's unfamiliar to you.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (34:03):
It is so true.
It's so true.
It is.
it is so true.
When you get to the other side,you're going to, you're going to
look back and you're going to belike, oh God.
So all, all, a lot of that wasjust me.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (34:17):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (34:18):
lot of it was just me, the way I
thought about it, the way I feltabout it, because our body, if
we can sum up these, a, if thissounds familiar, feeling like
this is like a problem containerall day.
I'm carrying this all day.
You're not alone because the twoof us have felt that way
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (34:36):
Yep.
Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (34:37):
and you don't have to stay there.
This entire episode has been howto shift that, and then you are
not reacting to what'shappening.
And I think that's an veryimportant awareness.
They are not reacting to what'shappening.
When you have a fight responsefrom somebody who has been
triggered or you have yourresponse, who has.
(34:59):
Because you've been triggered.
You're not reacting to what'shappening in the moment.
You're reacting to whatever itis that's unhealed inside of you
from in the past, and your bodyis remembering what happened,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (35:14):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (35:15):
in front of you is not to cause for
that.
It's not.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24 (35:18):
That's right.
A hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
I describe in a model that Icreated based off my training
with the body.
And it's, I matter, you matter,we matter at
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24 (35:34):
That's good.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (35:35):
and when I can hold all of those
three things.
Starting with me, I matterbecause I know my capacity in
this moment.
I know that it what's happeninginside of me.
When someone is coming at mewith their fight response, do I
need to pull someone in becauseI do not have capacity today,
(35:56):
and so we need to be a team orcan I appreciate this person's
nervous system.
Because I, I may have capacityand like it is my greatest
desire to hear what you have tosay, and I can see that you are
very angry.
So I am here to help you.
Do you believe that?
(36:18):
And sometimes asking the persona question
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (36:21):
Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (36:22):
helps them get into right when we're
in the fight response.
We're in our limbic system andwhen we ask someone a question,
we are giving them theopportunity to pull up into
their prefrontal cortex, whichis their brain.
when we are in a fight or flightresponse, we need our thinking
brain.
So what do you hear me saying?
(36:43):
Is a great question, or do youbelieve that I'm here to help
you?
That can be a great question forredirecting if, sometimes I can
say, hold on.
You're giving me a lot.
Let me repeat back to you what Ihear you saying.
That is a way that I can keep inmy prefrontal cortex because if
(37:05):
I know I'm losing it, but I haveto keep reflecting back to the
person what they're saying.
That is incredibly helpful forme to make sure I'm listening
accurately.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (37:17):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (37:18):
and then that's where we get the we
matter, because now suddenlywe're asking questions and then
we're answering them.
So
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025 (37:25):
I love that you matter here.
I matter here and together.
We matter here, so we need towork through this together.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (37:33):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24 (37:34):
That's a deescalating very quickly.
and I love how you said earlierthat regulation, your regulation
as a leader is a leadershipskill and in the emotional
urgency that we have inside thehealthcare profession.
That's really important becauseI'll speak for me, because I was
(37:55):
a servant type leader.
I gave everything I had.
I realize now that's not theappropriate way to get people to
do things.
You can still give everything,or you can still give a lot, but
if you're not receiving, ifyou're not plugging in, if
you're not growing, you don'thave anything to give.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (38:17):
Yes,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (38:17):
And so you have got to stop giving
and learn how to plug in and tostart receiving because that is
how you give.
As a servant leader, as somebodywho values people, as somebody
who's passionate about improvingthe lives of other people, you
have to improve yourself,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (38:35):
a hundred percent.
A hundred percent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-20 (38:38):
and I love that regulation is
literally building yourcapacity.
It is a skill.
I
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025 (38:44):
A hundred percent right.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (38:46):
love that.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (38:47):
like listening to this podcast is a
way give to yourself, people whoare on your team.
That is everything also in, in,emotional regulation.
Now, I do wanna say
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (39:00):
Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (39:01):
when we are in burnout, we're
exhausted cynicism, we can havea tendency to vent and there is
nothing wrong with venting.
But here's where I wanna make mypoint about venting.
If you keep sharing thestressful stories, your body
does not know that it's nothappening real time.
So when you say things, whenyou're telling a story, right?
(39:24):
And part of my intro for when Ishare about my son's death, it's
Hey, let's all ground ourselvesbecause I want my nervous system
to know, hey, that we're inpresent time.
So when we're venting andsharing about our day, we need
to make sure that it feelsdifferently in our body when
(39:45):
we're sharing it The second orthird time.
And if it's not, then you'rejust recreating the stressful
situation and your body is notgetting downtime.
So really think about, do youneed to share this or can you
share it from a position of,Ugh, the emotional urgent did
(40:06):
not stop today and my systemfeels like it's been beat up.
That's a way different way thantelling the stories one after
the other of what happened.
And so I just wanna invite youto try that method and see if it
actually helps your system comedown.
Because again, what's familiar,if you're used to doing the
(40:30):
hamster wheel and going andgoing and going and never
stopping, you are, you're gonnakeep that going at home.
Because that's what's familiarto your system, and so we need
opportunities to reset, and whenwe reset, we can reset by doing
things like meditating.
We can do things like yoga, wecan do things like, this is what
(40:54):
we do in my fierce, gentlecommunity.
We do a grounding exercise everysingle time, because otherwise,
it's almost like asking a fishto describe what wet is.
You're not outside of yournervous system, you can't really
describe it.
Like you said, when you gotawareness of it, it changes
everything.
(41:15):
But there's also people who aremore frozen and I feel like they
sometimes get under unnamed.
Okay?
So for my freezers in burnout,you cannot take a hot bath.
That just reinforces your frozenstate.
Yes, it will take some of thestress out.
Epsom salt baths are great foryou.
(41:36):
That's not what I'm saying, butyou need to get something else.
Maybe you need to get to a spinclass.
Maybe you need to get to a briskwalking club.
Maybe you need to get to akickboxing class, know where you
are when your system isexhausted.
Do you actually go intohyperdrive or do you freeze?
And you need the opposite tohelp reset you.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (41:59):
So true.
You are important.
You cannot help anybody if youcannot help yourself.
she just gave us examples of howto steward.
Your nervous system and we'vegotta shift our mindset from
control and manage to steward,to lead, and to guide.
And as a leader, you can setthat example inside of your
(42:19):
community.
When you are practicing ityourself, no one's coming to
save you.
So if you are the one that'sdriving to work, listening to
this or home from work, andyou're already gripping the
steering wheel and you'rebreathing shallow and you're
bracing for impact.
If that was me, just take a deepbreath, just like Dr.
Kimber just said, and learn howto identify your nervous system.
(42:44):
Learn.
Learn from people maybe in yourcommunity who are overreacting.
do you feel the same way inside?
And when you're triggered, doyou overreact that way too?
What are those moments?
Because those triggers areinvitations to look at you
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (43:00):
Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (43:00):
say, Hey, where is this coming from?
It's not who you are.
I think that people make thatmistake.
These are invitations.
These are little teaching.
These are little lights, likeyour tire's low on your car.
Like these are little lights.
something's not right here.
Something's not right here.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (43:18):
that.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-202 (43:19):
so you can't keep others warm.
By burning out, you cannotcontrol people.
You cannot love people enough.
They can only fix themselves.
You can only regulate and becomeaware of yourself, and that's
how you grow your capacity is tobecoming more aware.
(43:41):
And Dr.
Kimber just gave us amasterclass and how to do that.
Thank you.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-202 (43:45):
so much.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24- (43:47):
Yeah.
So anything, any last words thatyou want to say?
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (43:50):
you matter.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2 (43:52):
Yep.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-20 (43:52):
are a sacred being and you're not
alone.
You are not alone.
And if you are on the edge ofburnout or you're e or before
you're in burnout, but you're infight or flight all
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-2 (44:05):
Mm-hmm.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2 (44:06):
your body has gone potentially into a
place where you're not utilizingyour fellow companions for
regulation because we go intoself-protective mode.
So how can you embody?
You are not alone.
Again, burnout can be like, Iwork with idiots, I work with
(44:27):
idiot.
Like that belief over and overagain.
Of course you're not gonna bepinging out for help, right?
Your system is gonna be like, Igotta do it all.
So how can we rewrite yourstory?
Just capture your thoughts.
Notice what you're saying, whatyou're thinking.
is that driving you to beregulated That's your
(44:50):
responsibility is you cancapture what you're thinking
because thinking is feeling inyour body.
Your body is going throughwhatever you're thinking, even
if you're keeping thoughts toyourself.
People say all the time in mypractice, oh, but I never say
it.
It's matter.
It oozes out of you, it oozesout.
(45:11):
You are highly nonverbal.
All of us are.
it oozes out.
So That would be the, probablythe only thing is are not alone.
leaning into that and again,thank you for having me along
for the ride, and it's been justsuch a gift to be with you,
Aaron.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_ (45:29):
Absolutely.
Pleasure is all mine.
And if you want more support,you can listen to Dr.
Kimber's podcast.
I thought I was over this.
Or join her community, fierceand gentle.
and if this is calling you, ifyou hear this, if you saw
yourself on fire listening tothis, or you felt the call to
start noticing the roses, namewhat you're carrying and
(45:49):
remember, stewarding you is thebest thing that any company, any
community, any resident, anyassociate could ever want from
you.
And let's not even talk aboutyour family.
Okay.
So boundaries are important.
You are important, and as Dr.
Kimber says, we matter.
(46:10):
and that's the whole premise ofaspiring for more, knowing that
you're already enough.
So have a great day, and thankyou for listening.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24- (46:19):
Thank you.
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