November 20, 2025 • 34 mins
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In this powerful and deeply personal episode, Erin unpacks the hidden relationship between resentment, worthiness, emotional capacity, and gratitude. You’ll learn why hustling for validation keeps leaders stuck, why gratitude is NOT soft — it’s strategic — and how "stacking the evidence" can rewire your identity, rebuild your confidence, and protect you from burnout.
If you've ever struggled to feel proud of what you’ve accomplished… or if you've been waiting for someone else to notice your work… this episode will shift something inside you.
What You’ll Learn:
- Why gratitude is the antidote to resentment
- How leaders numb themselves without realizing it
- Why “hustling for worthiness” keeps you stuck
- The neuroscience behind gratitude and identity
- The “Stack the Evidence” tool that builds confidence
- How to grow emotional capacity in high-pressure roles
- Why gratitude makes you a leader people want to follow
Key Concepts & Takeaways:
- The opposite of gratitude is resentment — and resentment is unprocessed disappointment
- You can’t feel joy when you’re still clinging to anger
- Gratitude is not soft; it rewires your brain for clarity and confidence
- Your brain believes what you rehearse
- You can stack evidence of failure… or evidence of growth
- Gratitude creates expansion, capacity, and alignment
- Leadership influence grows when leaders notice the right things
Reflection Questions:
- What resentment am I still carrying that is blocking gratitude?
- What evidence have I ignored about my success or growth?
- What am I grateful for today that I used to pray for?
Links & Next Steps:
- Join the January 100% Leader Cohort
- Book a December Clarity Call
- Subscribe to Erin’s Saturday Morning Email
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(01:05):
Hi, friends.
Welcome back to the Aspire forMore with Erin podcast, where I
am so excited to welcome you towhat I hope is a very impactful
episode that I really want youto take in to not just hear, but
I really want you to feel itbecause I believe that gratitude
(01:27):
can change your life the waythat it changed mine.
But you have to be able tounderstand it, to understand its
impact on your life, tounderstand the space that it
creates in your life that can befilled with negativity if you
don't have it.
The opposite of gratitude isresentment.
(01:52):
And if we can let go ofresentment, we can actually open
up and create space forgratitude.
And I really wanna show you whygratitude is actually a growth
strategy.
and one that will strengthenyour leadership, your
confidence, your identity,because of the stories that we
tell ourselves.
And honestly, it will grow yourcapacity because you will now
(02:16):
have the capacity to breatheagain.
It because you're gonna have topause to see what's in front of
you.
And that goes back to the powerof the pause and just truly how
meaningful this is in our life.
And we're gonna talk about whywe don't pause.
(02:37):
Hustling doesn't equal success.
Hmm.
Okay, so settle in folks.
I hope my goal, my belief isthat this one might just shift
something inside of you.
I really wanna start with amoment that completely caught me
(02:59):
off guard.
Um, a moment that I realizedmaybe something is off.
Inside of me, you know, like,hmm, why can't I feel or see the
good things in front of me?
And that, I mean, gosh, therehave been like several moments
(03:22):
of that in my life, but I wasreading the book, the gifts of
imperfection by Brene Brown, andshe was talking about her and
she was talking about how shenumbs her, or she has in the
past numbed her life withconstantly being busy.
(03:45):
Now, there are many things thatwe can numb our life with.
We've got shopping, we've goteating, we've got drinking,
we've got drugs, we've got.
Sex.
Oh my gosh.
I just said that on a podcast,We have gossip, we have anger,
we have caregiving, we havecontrolling, and we have being
(04:06):
needed.
All these things, all thesethings can control your life.
It doesn't have to be just thereally bad ones.
And she was talking about howthe constant need to be busy and
to never sit with yourself and,and to never really see
everything that you've donecaused her to constantly be busy
(04:29):
and hustle.
And she called it hustling forour worthiness.
I have to say, I hustle for myworthiness.
Why did I hustle for myworthiness?
Why do you hustle?
For your worthiness?
For me, it was because if Iworked harder, I thought
(04:51):
somebody would see me.
And when you work harder, youdon't really see everything that
you've done.
You are waiting on somebody tosay to you, Hey, good job.
Hey, I see you.
Hey, look at everything thatyou've done.
You're waiting for somebody tosay that to you.
And the longer it takes forsomebody to say that to you, the
(05:14):
more angry you get, the harderyou work, the more sacrifices
you make and the more numb youfeel to it all.
Because when we hustle for ourworthiness, we're numbing the
emotions of our life becausewe're too busy.
We're too busy to take themoment.
We're too busy to stop and see,to stop and smell the roses,
(05:39):
right?
So when we numb our life,because we're getting angry,
because we're feelingfrustrated, because we're
feeling resentment, we feel nojoy.
We feel no happiness, we feelnothing.
And what happens is that thisprotective mechanism comes on
(06:04):
and because I'm hustling for myworthiness and nobody's seeing
me and saying, Hey, I see youworking so hard.
I'm working harder, I'm workingharder, I'm making sure all this
stuff is done.
And then when somebody says thatI'm doing something wrong, boom.
The protective mechanism comesup.
I am defensive and I can nolonger receive any information.
(06:27):
Oh, that's deep.
What's your protectivemechanism?
How do you protect yourself?
If I'm hustling for myworthiness, I'm not feeling
worthy.
So if somebody comes to me andthey have some interesting
feedback, some feedback that Ineed to hear, maybe I am not
doing things.
Maybe I'm working too hard inthis area that I don't need to
(06:50):
be, and I need to actually makemy focus on somewhere else,
which would actually bebeneficial to me, and yet I
don't want to hear it becauseI'm closed off.
I'm protected, I'm defensive.
I can't even be thankful thatyou're going to save me time and
energy.
Right?
When she wrote those words inthat book.
(07:14):
I saw myself for the first time.
I also understood slowly butsurely over time.
This was a definitely a processfor me, but the more anger,
resentment that I held onto, theless space I had to receive the
(07:38):
joy, the positive feedback.
It's like I ignored everybody'sthank yous.
You are so wonderful.
Thank you.
Thank you for this and thank youfor that.
And you've really changed ourlives and you were such an asset
to this community and we loveyou.
Thank you for, for leading acommunity that takes care of my
(08:00):
loved one because I was holdingon to the resentment of the
people who didn't see me.
I never really felt the peoplewho did, and I held so tightly
to that anger because I wascomfortable in it, that I never
(08:22):
saw the impact that I had.
I mean, I saw it, but I didn'tfeel it, and that kept me stuck.
That kept me walled into acorner, and that was my fault,
(08:42):
and that was something that Icould fix.
After I became aware of it andthe moment I became aware of it,
I saw the patterns of my lifeunfold in front of me and I'm
like, oh my God, what have Idone?
(09:02):
and it just goes to show youthat awareness.
Awareness is the first step inthe beginning of growth.
When I become aware ofeverything that I resent, I can
actually start making a list ofeverything that I'm grateful
for.
(09:23):
That is opposite of what Iresent because it's there.
I just had a habit of alwayslooking at it from the angle of
being resentful, and it was apattern that I didn't know
existed.
So here's the core idea.
I always thought rolled my eyesbecame very sarcastic when
(09:48):
somebody said to me, let's talkabout what we're grateful for.
And I'm like, oh my God, I don'thave time to talk about this.
This is something that you teachto your kids in November.
This is when they're wearing thepilgrim hats and the Turkey
paper, brown bag vests.
This is not what professionalpeople do.
(10:10):
We are busy.
I do not have time.
Big mistake, because I thoughtgratitude was so soft.
It not even a skill, just Ididn't have time for it.
What I now understand on a veryvisceral personal human level is
(10:33):
that gratitude, real consciousgratitude is strategic.
When you practice gratitude, youare literally training your
brain to look for what'sworking.
Look for what you want ratherthan looking for what you think
(10:56):
is there, right?
Because what you want and whatyou're looking for specifically,
that matters because your brainwill believe whatever you
rehearse.
This is why the story you tellyourself is so important, and
this is why as a leader if youcan help influence the story
(11:17):
that other people are tellingthemselves, then you can help
create change for you.
So if you rehearse stress, youare going to find more of it.
If you're looking for stress, ifyou're looking for the the
caregiver down the hall who'snot doing what they're supposed
to be doing, if you're lookingfor the next shoe to drop.
(11:40):
You're going to find it becauseyou're training your brain to
look for it.
just like if you were looking tobuy a certain kind of car, all
of a sudden you see that coloreverywhere.
I really like this slate graycolor.
If I get a new car and now I'mseeing that slate gray color
everywhere, it's because Ibecame aware that it was a
color, if I'm walking down thehall and I wanna feel stress
(12:03):
subconsciously, not obviouslyconsciously, I'm gonna be
looking for somebody doingsomething they shouldn't be
doing.
God knows there's plenty ofthat.
Right.
If I want to rehearse self-doubtbecause I'm feeling imposter
syndrome or I'm in a room that Ifeel like I don't belong in, I
am going to be finding mybrain's going to be scanning and
(12:23):
looking for evidence that Idon't belong evidence, that I'm
gonna be disappointed.
So I can expect it evidence ofmore work to be done.
So if we know that's true,because we're doing it.
Right.
What happens when you flip thescript and when you say, I'm
(12:45):
gonna look for something to saynice.
In this moment, I'm going tolook for something to be
thankful for in this moment.
When you take 20 seconds toacknowledge what's going well in
this moment, in the moment thatyou're looking for
disappointment, self-doubt,stress, because that's like
(13:06):
maybe our default.
But if you take 20 seconds whenyou're in that room and you feel
uncomfortable and you say,here's what's going well, I'm
not sweating all the way throughmy clothes.
Yes, I'm thankful for that, orthey ask me to be in this room.
(13:26):
I'm thankful for that.
Or my perspective is differentfrom theirs and I'm thankful for
that.
Guess what happens?
Your brain slows down, yourheart rate may slow down, and
you start feeling a little bitmore confident.
Gratitude can start creatingpatterns of confidence for you
(13:51):
because we're stacking evidenceof proof rather than the
evidence that you don't belong.
Gratitude will restore your ownagency and it will rewire your
leadership identity.
It is a practice that I practiceall the time, and this isn't
(14:15):
cute.
This isn't some soft skill likewoo woo up in the air like I
used to think it was.
It's actually neuroscience.
It's actually science.
It's provable.
This is how transformationhappens.
Please take my life as anexample of this.
Although I fall off thegratitude wagon all the time and
find myself in resentmentville alot, I can literally say to
(14:38):
myself, what are you thankfulfor now in this moment?
Because I know that it canchange.
I know that I can get back onthe wagon.
Of gratitude as a growthstrategy for me, because I know
what's important to me and Iknow what I want.
I know where I was, and I knowthat I don't wanna be there
(15:00):
anymore because when you can seewhat's available, when you can
see that I earned to be in thisroom, that my perspective is
needed in this room, that I amvaluable, that I am worthy, that
I did all those things.
And that now I finally see thatI did it and I had the evidence
(15:22):
to stack it up.
I start transforming.
It's those evidence stackingthat's important.
It's pattern recognition foryou.
I want you to be able to say, toidentify and see these patterns
that you find.
When something negative happensto you, what is your first
thought?
(15:42):
When you are rejected, when youridea is not, um, accepted,
what's your first thought?
When you make a mistake, what'syour first thought?
That is a pattern, that'sevidence stacking.
If over time you're constantlybelieving what you're telling
yourself, I'm not good enough.
I knew that I would be wrong.
(16:02):
Why would I ever get that?
Right?
Right.
Whatever that thought is to you,I'm not enough.
That's evidence stacking, but Iwanna teach you what I do with
my clients.
Stack the evidence of yoursuccess, stack the proof.
Some of us are wired to stackthe evidence of our failures, of
(16:23):
why we shouldn't be doing this,but we can actually stack the
evidence of success as well.
Every day your brain iscollecting evidence.
The question is.
Are you collecting the evidenceof your failure or the evidence
of your growth?
Because which one serves you?
(16:44):
When you think about the last 30days?
Oh, let's break it down to 24hours.
Can you tell me five things thatwent good?
I want you to do that.
In fact, give me three to fivethings that went good.
How long does that take you?
Now give me three to five thingsthat went bad.
(17:07):
How long does that take you?
We go home potentially.
If you are a naturallyoptimistic person, then maybe
you don't do this, but if youare a neutral in the optimistic
viewpoint or the pessimisticviewpoint, maybe you do this.
And I know if you're apessimistic mindset, I know
(17:29):
you're doing this.
We go home thinking about whatwe missed, what went wrong, what
we have left to do, what we'rescared of, and we're stacking
the evidence of failure.
And that habit alone is what isfueling your burnout.
That habit is not humility.
(17:50):
It's not growing humility.
It's not keeping you humble.
That habit is making you small,unseen, frustrated, resentful,
but when you are aware of thethings that you still need to
do.
And you're going home thinkingabout what actually did I
(18:12):
accomplish today?
Because that's a valid question.
What did we accomplish today?
What went well?
Where did I show up with couragetoday?
When did I do something that Ididn't want to do that I was
scared of, and I did it anyway?
What hard conversations did Inavigate?
Well, how did I stay grounded inthat moment and not emotionally
(18:34):
react?
Did I respond or did I react?
Right, and who really made adifference in my day today.
These are all questions that canhelp you stack the evidence that
you're actually doing a goodjob, that you're actually making
forward progress, that you'renot stuck, you're moving forward
(18:57):
in very small steps.
Or maybe today we made a hugestep.
We gotta give ourselves creditfor that.
And when you stack the evidence,you create expansion confidence,
you're aligning your actionswith purpose and progress, and
(19:18):
you feel a smidge of peace,maybe just a little bit, and
that's important.
Gratitude.
What I've learned is not sayingthat.
Everything is wonderful that thesky is this beautiful pink and
(19:40):
blue gold and orange colors andeverything is just going great.
That's not what gratitude is.
Gratitude is saying even in themiddle of the mess, the big hot
mess, that is life inside of thecommunity sometimes, that I can
(20:00):
see myself growing.
I can see my team growing and Ican see the progress that we are
making together.
And if you can't see that now,know that you have to start
stacking the evidence so youcan, because your growth, your
(20:22):
ability to be thankful for theopportunities that are growing
your capacity, that is what'sgoing to heal and.
Help you avoid burnout.
Your growth, your team's growthis what's going to rebuild the
confidence after a toughmistake, a tough loss, a tough
(20:44):
meeting.
That's the growth that you needto build and rebuild your
confidence, and it's that growthis what's going to change your
identity.
It's gonna rewrite the storythat you may be telling
yourself.
About the experience that you'regoing through right now.
(21:06):
Your gratitude as a growthstrategy is what's going to
help, help you get to the topfaster, get to a hundred percent
faster, to feel better in yourown skin, and to be grounded in
the vision and the goals thatyou have for your community.
(21:27):
Gratitude does three things thatevery leader needs.
And that works inside of acommunity.
Three things.
Gratitude will expand youremotional capacity.
It makes you able to hold more,more change, more pressure, more
success without breaking.
It's the capacity that we needas leaders to be able to be
(21:50):
successful every day inside ofour community.
The reason why burnout isbecoming more prevalent inside
of our communities is becauseOur responsibility grows faster
than our capacity to handle andto meet and to solve the
problems that are being thrownat us.
So how do we grow our capacity?
(22:12):
We are thankful for theexperience.
We take a time to set and pauseand reflect and then figure out
how we can do things better.
It's that moment, that pausethat helps us understand.
How we can change, how we canhandle more and how successful
we were in the moment.
(22:33):
Because if we just solve theproblem and move on, we don't
learn from the insights that wehave from the data that we have.
Number two, gratitude protectsyou from resentment.
Again, resentment is theopposite of gratitude because we
don't even know what we havebecause we're always looking for
(22:54):
what we don't.
Resentment is what grows insideof you when gratitude isn't
being practiced.
Resentment is unprocesseddisappointment and
uncommunicated expectations.
We expect people to see us.
Yeah.
Rather than us defining what wewant them to see in us and to
(23:19):
communicate, I believe it's timefor us to take the narrative
back and we start telling peoplewhat they need to see in us
instead of waiting for people tosee that in us.
gratitude.
When you stack the evidence andyou start creating the narrative
for what people need to see inyou, that you start talking
(23:39):
about what you've done becauseyou're stacking that evidence.
People start changing the storythat they are telling themselves
about you, and in return, youhave the gratitude that keeps
your heart open, your mindclear, and your energy regulated
because you see you.
(24:00):
You see your impact, you see thework that you do, and there is
so much gratitude for you.
You're not giving that power tosomebody else.
You're keeping it for you.
(24:21):
And number three, gratitudemakes you a leader that people
want to follow.
I, I, I tell this story a lot,so if you've heard it, I
apologize.
But there is one resident whotaught me that gratitude was the
way to my associate's heart.
He thanked them for everything,and he barely had to ask for
anything.
(24:42):
And I realized in a world wherepeople are pulled in a thousand
different directions, a simpleloving gesture, a thank you.
Hey honey, you didn't have to dothat.
A hug if it's appropriate.
This lets people know that yousee them, that they're safe with
you, and when leaders orresidents feel grateful, they're
(25:07):
more observant.
They, they're more present,they're more fair, and they're
more human.
That resident that I'm referringto in this story.
Had the most influence of anyoneinside of my community.
he was the one who knew the mostabout my associates more than I
(25:29):
did.
He, the one who noticed the mostof our associates, gratitude
sharpens the awareness and Itold his family how much I
learned from him.
And how powerful gratitude wasand how my management style, my
leadership style changed bywatching the way that he
(25:49):
interacted with the residents.
I wanna give you something thatyou can put into action today.
You know those three key pointsin awareness for you.
Gratitude expands your emotionalcapacity.
Gratitude will protect you fromresentment and the baggage, the
heavy baggage that resentment isfor you to carry throughout your
(26:12):
life.
Trust me, when I let it go, Ifelt so free, and that gratitude
makes you a leader that peoplewant to follow.
So every day, every morning ornight, I want you to ask
yourself evidence, gratitudequestions, what went better than
(26:32):
I expected today?
A very simple question, whatwent better than I expected
today?
I was actually expecting this togo really bad, but it, it
surprised me.
That's important for you to knowwhere did I show up as a leader
that I want to be today?
Who am I becoming?
(26:53):
How did I show up in that andwhat am I grateful for today?
That I used to pray foryesterday and I wanna say for to
that question, and this wholeyear has been an exercise of me
being thankful for everyopportunity for every 1, 2, 3,
(27:16):
4, 5, up to however many peopledownloaded a podcast.
I am so thankful for theopportunity.
I am so thankful for theopportunity to pour into
people's lives that I coach,that I meet on LinkedIn, that I
meet when I speak.
I am so thankful for thatopportunity.
(27:37):
I have learned to live in themoment and when people are
asking me if I'm making moneyfor these events, which
sometimes I am and sometimes I'mnot.
I don't get resentful about thatquestion because I am more
thankful for the opportunity.
Because when I'm thankful forthe opportunity, I feel joy.
(27:58):
There are no expectations, and Ijust wanna put my best face
forward, my most authentic selfforward, and pray, and hope and
strategically plantopportunities for things in the
future.
And by doing that, I feel morecalm, more clarity, more
confidence in myself.
(28:19):
To be myself, because gratitudedoesn't just change your
circumstances.
It changes you inside of yourcircumstances, and that is the
biggest asset that you have, thebiggest accomplishment in your
life because working inside of acommunity is hard.
(28:41):
Working inside senior living ishard.
We cannot change.
The majority of what seniorliving is and the, the, the
obstacles that come our way, theproblems that constantly come
our way, the situations that wehave to navigate, but we can
change how you interpret them,how you feel about them, and the
(29:05):
capacity that you have to solvethem.
And I do believe that gratitudeis a way.
It is the way to change youinside of those circumstances.
So I wanna leave you with this.
You do not grow by hustling foryour worthiness.
(29:28):
You do not grow by being harsherin the stories that you tell
yourself.
The more you verbally beatyourself up, the stories that
you tell yourself and you do notgrow.
By pretending that everything isfine and keep on accepting more
responsibility that you do nothave the capacity to meet, but
(29:50):
you do grow when you payattention to the truth of who
you are by stacking the evidenceof everything that you have
done, and gratitude will buildupon that evidence stack and it
will make you stronger.
It will make you more centered,more authentically, grounded
(30:12):
into what you're capable of andwhat you can be capable of in
the future to constantly riseagain and again.
And if no one has told youlately, you have come a very
long way.
And if you're listening to thispodcast today.
You are investing in yourself,and that's what matters.
(30:35):
We need to stop waiting forpeople to see us and start
believing in everything that wehave accomplished and the fact
that we survived another day,and we need to start telling
ourselves.
What we are capable of, whatwe've already done, where we're
going, and we need to startcreating the narrative of what
(30:57):
people need to see in us becausethat's how we change the story.
That's how we become unstuck,and that's the future.
People are so busy they don'teven see themselves or see the
forest through the trees.
And what makes you think thatthey can see you.
(31:20):
You see you first, and then youstart telling people what they
need to see in you and watch thepower transfer happen.
But you gotta see you and thework that you've done first.
So stack the evidence.
And then start sharing what yousee.
(31:43):
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you so much for being hereand giving your time to me
today.
I want you to believe thatgratitude really is a tool and a
very strategic tool for your owngrowth.
So if you want more content likethis, you can sign up for my
Saturday morning emails, look inthe show notes, because there's
(32:05):
a link there to do that.
Also, we're opening up our next,um, a hundred percent leader
cohort that's starting inJanuary 13th.
These last seven weeks have beenamazing and looking forward to a
next group of leaders that willbe coming in, and you're about
to enter a really fast pacednext eight weeks.
(32:28):
Take the time and find theevidence that you, what you've
done this year.
And I am actually opening upcall Times in December that are
going to be for Clarity coachingcalls.
So if you're interested in aclarity coaching call where we
can talk about what youaccomplished, how to stack the
(32:50):
evidence and what to plan for in2026, I'm excited to, to meet
you.
So look in the show notes forall the links and as always,
aspire for more for you.
Knowing that you're alreadyenough and share this email with
your team because they need toknow how to look for the
evidence and stack the evidenceof their growth too, because
(33:14):
gratitude is a growth strategy.
Have a great holiday week.
Talk to you soon friends.
Hi, friends.
Welcome back to the Aspire forMore with Erin podcast, where I
am so excited to welcome you towhat I hope is a very impactful
episode that I really want youto take in to not just hear, but
I really want you to feel itbecause I believe that gratitude
(01:27):
can change your life the waythat it changed mine.
But you have to be able tounderstand it, to understand its
impact on your life, tounderstand the space that it
creates in your life that can befilled with negativity if you
don't have it.
The opposite of gratitude isresentment.
(01:52):
And if we can let go ofresentment, we can actually open
up and create space forgratitude.
And I really wanna show you whygratitude is actually a growth
strategy.
and one that will strengthenyour leadership, your
confidence, your identity,because of the stories that we
tell ourselves.
And honestly, it will grow yourcapacity because you will now
(02:16):
have the capacity to breatheagain.
It because you're gonna have topause to see what's in front of
you.
And that goes back to the powerof the pause and just truly how
meaningful this is in our life.
And we're gonna talk about whywe don't pause.
(02:37):
Hustling doesn't equal success.
Hmm.
Okay, so settle in folks.
I hope my goal, my belief isthat this one might just shift
something inside of you.
I really wanna start with amoment that completely caught me
(02:59):
off guard.
Um, a moment that I realizedmaybe something is off.
Inside of me, you know, like,hmm, why can't I feel or see the
good things in front of me?
And that, I mean, gosh, therehave been like several moments
(03:22):
of that in my life, but I wasreading the book, the gifts of
imperfection by Brene Brown, andshe was talking about her and
she was talking about how shenumbs her, or she has in the
past numbed her life withconstantly being busy.
(03:45):
Now, there are many things thatwe can numb our life with.
We've got shopping, we've goteating, we've got drinking,
we've got drugs, we've got.
Sex.
Oh my gosh.
I just said that on a podcast,We have gossip, we have anger,
we have caregiving, we havecontrolling, and we have being
(04:06):
needed.
All these things, all thesethings can control your life.
It doesn't have to be just thereally bad ones.
And she was talking about howthe constant need to be busy and
to never sit with yourself and,and to never really see
everything that you've donecaused her to constantly be busy
(04:29):
and hustle.
And she called it hustling forour worthiness.
I have to say, I hustle for myworthiness.
Why did I hustle for myworthiness?
Why do you hustle?
For your worthiness?
For me, it was because if Iworked harder, I thought
(04:51):
somebody would see me.
And when you work harder, youdon't really see everything that
you've done.
You are waiting on somebody tosay to you, Hey, good job.
Hey, I see you.
Hey, look at everything thatyou've done.
You're waiting for somebody tosay that to you.
And the longer it takes forsomebody to say that to you, the
(05:14):
more angry you get, the harderyou work, the more sacrifices
you make and the more numb youfeel to it all.
Because when we hustle for ourworthiness, we're numbing the
emotions of our life becausewe're too busy.
We're too busy to take themoment.
We're too busy to stop and see,to stop and smell the roses,
(05:39):
right?
So when we numb our life,because we're getting angry,
because we're feelingfrustrated, because we're
feeling resentment, we feel nojoy.
We feel no happiness, we feelnothing.
And what happens is that thisprotective mechanism comes on
(06:04):
and because I'm hustling for myworthiness and nobody's seeing
me and saying, Hey, I see youworking so hard.
I'm working harder, I'm workingharder, I'm making sure all this
stuff is done.
And then when somebody says thatI'm doing something wrong, boom.
The protective mechanism comesup.
I am defensive and I can nolonger receive any information.
(06:27):
Oh, that's deep.
What's your protectivemechanism?
How do you protect yourself?
If I'm hustling for myworthiness, I'm not feeling
worthy.
So if somebody comes to me andthey have some interesting
feedback, some feedback that Ineed to hear, maybe I am not
doing things.
Maybe I'm working too hard inthis area that I don't need to
(06:50):
be, and I need to actually makemy focus on somewhere else,
which would actually bebeneficial to me, and yet I
don't want to hear it becauseI'm closed off.
I'm protected, I'm defensive.
I can't even be thankful thatyou're going to save me time and
energy.
Right?
When she wrote those words inthat book.
(07:14):
I saw myself for the first time.
I also understood slowly butsurely over time.
This was a definitely a processfor me, but the more anger,
resentment that I held onto, theless space I had to receive the
(07:38):
joy, the positive feedback.
It's like I ignored everybody'sthank yous.
You are so wonderful.
Thank you.
Thank you for this and thank youfor that.
And you've really changed ourlives and you were such an asset
to this community and we loveyou.
Thank you for, for leading acommunity that takes care of my
(08:00):
loved one because I was holdingon to the resentment of the
people who didn't see me.
I never really felt the peoplewho did, and I held so tightly
to that anger because I wascomfortable in it, that I never
(08:22):
saw the impact that I had.
I mean, I saw it, but I didn'tfeel it, and that kept me stuck.
That kept me walled into acorner, and that was my fault,
(08:42):
and that was something that Icould fix.
After I became aware of it andthe moment I became aware of it,
I saw the patterns of my lifeunfold in front of me and I'm
like, oh my God, what have Idone?
(09:02):
and it just goes to show youthat awareness.
Awareness is the first step inthe beginning of growth.
When I become aware ofeverything that I resent, I can
actually start making a list ofeverything that I'm grateful
for.
(09:23):
That is opposite of what Iresent because it's there.
I just had a habit of alwayslooking at it from the angle of
being resentful, and it was apattern that I didn't know
existed.
So here's the core idea.
I always thought rolled my eyesbecame very sarcastic when
(09:48):
somebody said to me, let's talkabout what we're grateful for.
And I'm like, oh my God, I don'thave time to talk about this.
This is something that you teachto your kids in November.
This is when they're wearing thepilgrim hats and the Turkey
paper, brown bag vests.
This is not what professionalpeople do.
(10:10):
We are busy.
I do not have time.
Big mistake, because I thoughtgratitude was so soft.
It not even a skill, just Ididn't have time for it.
What I now understand on a veryvisceral personal human level is
(10:33):
that gratitude, real consciousgratitude is strategic.
When you practice gratitude, youare literally training your
brain to look for what'sworking.
Look for what you want ratherthan looking for what you think
(10:56):
is there, right?
Because what you want and whatyou're looking for specifically,
that matters because your brainwill believe whatever you
rehearse.
This is why the story you tellyourself is so important, and
this is why as a leader if youcan help influence the story
(11:17):
that other people are tellingthemselves, then you can help
create change for you.
So if you rehearse stress, youare going to find more of it.
If you're looking for stress, ifyou're looking for the the
caregiver down the hall who'snot doing what they're supposed
to be doing, if you're lookingfor the next shoe to drop.
(11:40):
You're going to find it becauseyou're training your brain to
look for it.
just like if you were looking tobuy a certain kind of car, all
of a sudden you see that coloreverywhere.
I really like this slate graycolor.
If I get a new car and now I'mseeing that slate gray color
everywhere, it's because Ibecame aware that it was a
color, if I'm walking down thehall and I wanna feel stress
(12:03):
subconsciously, not obviouslyconsciously, I'm gonna be
looking for somebody doingsomething they shouldn't be
doing.
God knows there's plenty ofthat.
Right.
If I want to rehearse self-doubtbecause I'm feeling imposter
syndrome or I'm in a room that Ifeel like I don't belong in, I
am going to be finding mybrain's going to be scanning and
(12:23):
looking for evidence that Idon't belong evidence, that I'm
gonna be disappointed.
So I can expect it evidence ofmore work to be done.
So if we know that's true,because we're doing it.
Right.
What happens when you flip thescript and when you say, I'm
(12:45):
gonna look for something to saynice.
In this moment, I'm going tolook for something to be
thankful for in this moment.
When you take 20 seconds toacknowledge what's going well in
this moment, in the moment thatyou're looking for
disappointment, self-doubt,stress, because that's like
(13:06):
maybe our default.
But if you take 20 seconds whenyou're in that room and you feel
uncomfortable and you say,here's what's going well, I'm
not sweating all the way throughmy clothes.
Yes, I'm thankful for that, orthey ask me to be in this room.
(13:26):
I'm thankful for that.
Or my perspective is differentfrom theirs and I'm thankful for
that.
Guess what happens?
Your brain slows down, yourheart rate may slow down, and
you start feeling a little bitmore confident.
Gratitude can start creatingpatterns of confidence for you
(13:51):
because we're stacking evidenceof proof rather than the
evidence that you don't belong.
Gratitude will restore your ownagency and it will rewire your
leadership identity.
It is a practice that I practiceall the time, and this isn't
(14:15):
cute.
This isn't some soft skill likewoo woo up in the air like I
used to think it was.
It's actually neuroscience.
It's actually science.
It's provable.
This is how transformationhappens.
Please take my life as anexample of this.
Although I fall off thegratitude wagon all the time and
find myself in resentmentville alot, I can literally say to
(14:38):
myself, what are you thankfulfor now in this moment?
Because I know that it canchange.
I know that I can get back onthe wagon.
Of gratitude as a growthstrategy for me, because I know
what's important to me and Iknow what I want.
I know where I was, and I knowthat I don't wanna be there
(15:00):
anymore because when you can seewhat's available, when you can
see that I earned to be in thisroom, that my perspective is
needed in this room, that I amvaluable, that I am worthy, that
I did all those things.
And that now I finally see thatI did it and I had the evidence
(15:22):
to stack it up.
I start transforming.
It's those evidence stackingthat's important.
It's pattern recognition foryou.
I want you to be able to say, toidentify and see these patterns
that you find.
When something negative happensto you, what is your first
thought?
(15:42):
When you are rejected, when youridea is not, um, accepted,
what's your first thought?
When you make a mistake, what'syour first thought?
That is a pattern, that'sevidence stacking.
If over time you're constantlybelieving what you're telling
yourself, I'm not good enough.
I knew that I would be wrong.
(16:02):
Why would I ever get that?
Right?
Right.
Whatever that thought is to you,I'm not enough.
That's evidence stacking, but Iwanna teach you what I do with
my clients.
Stack the evidence of yoursuccess, stack the proof.
Some of us are wired to stackthe evidence of our failures, of
(16:23):
why we shouldn't be doing this,but we can actually stack the
evidence of success as well.
Every day your brain iscollecting evidence.
The question is.
Are you collecting the evidenceof your failure or the evidence
of your growth?
Because which one serves you?
(16:44):
When you think about the last 30days?
Oh, let's break it down to 24hours.
Can you tell me five things thatwent good?
I want you to do that.
In fact, give me three to fivethings that went good.
How long does that take you?
Now give me three to five thingsthat went bad.
(17:07):
How long does that take you?
We go home potentially.
If you are a naturallyoptimistic person, then maybe
you don't do this, but if youare a neutral in the optimistic
viewpoint or the pessimisticviewpoint, maybe you do this.
And I know if you're apessimistic mindset, I know
(17:29):
you're doing this.
We go home thinking about whatwe missed, what went wrong, what
we have left to do, what we'rescared of, and we're stacking
the evidence of failure.
And that habit alone is what isfueling your burnout.
That habit is not humility.
(17:50):
It's not growing humility.
It's not keeping you humble.
That habit is making you small,unseen, frustrated, resentful,
but when you are aware of thethings that you still need to
do.
And you're going home thinkingabout what actually did I
(18:12):
accomplish today?
Because that's a valid question.
What did we accomplish today?
What went well?
Where did I show up with couragetoday?
When did I do something that Ididn't want to do that I was
scared of, and I did it anyway?
What hard conversations did Inavigate?
Well, how did I stay grounded inthat moment and not emotionally
(18:34):
react?
Did I respond or did I react?
Right, and who really made adifference in my day today.
These are all questions that canhelp you stack the evidence that
you're actually doing a goodjob, that you're actually making
forward progress, that you'renot stuck, you're moving forward
(18:57):
in very small steps.
Or maybe today we made a hugestep.
We gotta give ourselves creditfor that.
And when you stack the evidence,you create expansion confidence,
you're aligning your actionswith purpose and progress, and
(19:18):
you feel a smidge of peace,maybe just a little bit, and
that's important.
Gratitude.
What I've learned is not sayingthat.
Everything is wonderful that thesky is this beautiful pink and
(19:40):
blue gold and orange colors andeverything is just going great.
That's not what gratitude is.
Gratitude is saying even in themiddle of the mess, the big hot
mess, that is life inside of thecommunity sometimes, that I can
(20:00):
see myself growing.
I can see my team growing and Ican see the progress that we are
making together.
And if you can't see that now,know that you have to start
stacking the evidence so youcan, because your growth, your
(20:22):
ability to be thankful for theopportunities that are growing
your capacity, that is what'sgoing to heal and.
Help you avoid burnout.
Your growth, your team's growthis what's going to rebuild the
confidence after a toughmistake, a tough loss, a tough
(20:44):
meeting.
That's the growth that you needto build and rebuild your
confidence, and it's that growthis what's going to change your
identity.
It's gonna rewrite the storythat you may be telling
yourself.
About the experience that you'regoing through right now.
(21:06):
Your gratitude as a growthstrategy is what's going to
help, help you get to the topfaster, get to a hundred percent
faster, to feel better in yourown skin, and to be grounded in
the vision and the goals thatyou have for your community.
(21:27):
Gratitude does three things thatevery leader needs.
And that works inside of acommunity.
Three things.
Gratitude will expand youremotional capacity.
It makes you able to hold more,more change, more pressure, more
success without breaking.
It's the capacity that we needas leaders to be able to be
(21:50):
successful every day inside ofour community.
The reason why burnout isbecoming more prevalent inside
of our communities is becauseOur responsibility grows faster
than our capacity to handle andto meet and to solve the
problems that are being thrownat us.
So how do we grow our capacity?
(22:12):
We are thankful for theexperience.
We take a time to set and pauseand reflect and then figure out
how we can do things better.
It's that moment, that pausethat helps us understand.
How we can change, how we canhandle more and how successful
we were in the moment.
(22:33):
Because if we just solve theproblem and move on, we don't
learn from the insights that wehave from the data that we have.
Number two, gratitude protectsyou from resentment.
Again, resentment is theopposite of gratitude because we
don't even know what we havebecause we're always looking for
(22:54):
what we don't.
Resentment is what grows insideof you when gratitude isn't
being practiced.
Resentment is unprocesseddisappointment and
uncommunicated expectations.
We expect people to see us.
Yeah.
Rather than us defining what wewant them to see in us and to
(23:19):
communicate, I believe it's timefor us to take the narrative
back and we start telling peoplewhat they need to see in us
instead of waiting for people tosee that in us.
gratitude.
When you stack the evidence andyou start creating the narrative
for what people need to see inyou, that you start talking
(23:39):
about what you've done becauseyou're stacking that evidence.
People start changing the storythat they are telling themselves
about you, and in return, youhave the gratitude that keeps
your heart open, your mindclear, and your energy regulated
because you see you.
(24:00):
You see your impact, you see thework that you do, and there is
so much gratitude for you.
You're not giving that power tosomebody else.
You're keeping it for you.
(24:21):
And number three, gratitudemakes you a leader that people
want to follow.
I, I, I tell this story a lot,so if you've heard it, I
apologize.
But there is one resident whotaught me that gratitude was the
way to my associate's heart.
He thanked them for everything,and he barely had to ask for
anything.
(24:42):
And I realized in a world wherepeople are pulled in a thousand
different directions, a simpleloving gesture, a thank you.
Hey honey, you didn't have to dothat.
A hug if it's appropriate.
This lets people know that yousee them, that they're safe with
you, and when leaders orresidents feel grateful, they're
(25:07):
more observant.
They, they're more present,they're more fair, and they're
more human.
That resident that I'm referringto in this story.
Had the most influence of anyoneinside of my community.
he was the one who knew the mostabout my associates more than I
(25:29):
did.
He, the one who noticed the mostof our associates, gratitude
sharpens the awareness and Itold his family how much I
learned from him.
And how powerful gratitude wasand how my management style, my
leadership style changed bywatching the way that he
(25:49):
interacted with the residents.
I wanna give you something thatyou can put into action today.
You know those three key pointsin awareness for you.
Gratitude expands your emotionalcapacity.
Gratitude will protect you fromresentment and the baggage, the
heavy baggage that resentment isfor you to carry throughout your
(26:12):
life.
Trust me, when I let it go, Ifelt so free, and that gratitude
makes you a leader that peoplewant to follow.
So every day, every morning ornight, I want you to ask
yourself evidence, gratitudequestions, what went better than
(26:32):
I expected today?
A very simple question, whatwent better than I expected
today?
I was actually expecting this togo really bad, but it, it
surprised me.
That's important for you to knowwhere did I show up as a leader
that I want to be today?
Who am I becoming?
(26:53):
How did I show up in that andwhat am I grateful for today?
That I used to pray foryesterday and I wanna say for to
that question, and this wholeyear has been an exercise of me
being thankful for everyopportunity for every 1, 2, 3,
(27:16):
4, 5, up to however many peopledownloaded a podcast.
I am so thankful for theopportunity.
I am so thankful for theopportunity to pour into
people's lives that I coach,that I meet on LinkedIn, that I
meet when I speak.
I am so thankful for thatopportunity.
(27:37):
I have learned to live in themoment and when people are
asking me if I'm making moneyfor these events, which
sometimes I am and sometimes I'mnot.
I don't get resentful about thatquestion because I am more
thankful for the opportunity.
Because when I'm thankful forthe opportunity, I feel joy.
(27:58):
There are no expectations, and Ijust wanna put my best face
forward, my most authentic selfforward, and pray, and hope and
strategically plantopportunities for things in the
future.
And by doing that, I feel morecalm, more clarity, more
confidence in myself.
(28:19):
To be myself, because gratitudedoesn't just change your
circumstances.
It changes you inside of yourcircumstances, and that is the
biggest asset that you have, thebiggest accomplishment in your
life because working inside of acommunity is hard.
(28:41):
Working inside senior living ishard.
We cannot change.
The majority of what seniorliving is and the, the, the
obstacles that come our way, theproblems that constantly come
our way, the situations that wehave to navigate, but we can
change how you interpret them,how you feel about them, and the
(29:05):
capacity that you have to solvethem.
And I do believe that gratitudeis a way.
It is the way to change youinside of those circumstances.
So I wanna leave you with this.
You do not grow by hustling foryour worthiness.
(29:28):
You do not grow by being harsherin the stories that you tell
yourself.
The more you verbally beatyourself up, the stories that
you tell yourself and you do notgrow.
By pretending that everything isfine and keep on accepting more
responsibility that you do nothave the capacity to meet, but
(29:50):
you do grow when you payattention to the truth of who
you are by stacking the evidenceof everything that you have
done, and gratitude will buildupon that evidence stack and it
will make you stronger.
It will make you more centered,more authentically, grounded
(30:12):
into what you're capable of andwhat you can be capable of in
the future to constantly riseagain and again.
And if no one has told youlately, you have come a very
long way.
And if you're listening to thispodcast today.
You are investing in yourself,and that's what matters.
(30:35):
We need to stop waiting forpeople to see us and start
believing in everything that wehave accomplished and the fact
that we survived another day,and we need to start telling
ourselves.
What we are capable of, whatwe've already done, where we're
going, and we need to startcreating the narrative of what
(30:57):
people need to see in us becausethat's how we change the story.
That's how we become unstuck,and that's the future.
People are so busy they don'teven see themselves or see the
forest through the trees.
And what makes you think thatthey can see you.
(31:20):
You see you first, and then youstart telling people what they
need to see in you and watch thepower transfer happen.
But you gotta see you and thework that you've done first.
So stack the evidence.
And then start sharing what yousee.
(31:43):
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you so much for being hereand giving your time to me
today.
I want you to believe thatgratitude really is a tool and a
very strategic tool for your owngrowth.
So if you want more content likethis, you can sign up for my
Saturday morning emails, look inthe show notes, because there's
(32:05):
a link there to do that.
Also, we're opening up our next,um, a hundred percent leader
cohort that's starting inJanuary 13th.
These last seven weeks have beenamazing and looking forward to a
next group of leaders that willbe coming in, and you're about
to enter a really fast pacednext eight weeks.
(32:28):
Take the time and find theevidence that you, what you've
done this year.
And I am actually opening upcall Times in December that are
going to be for Clarity coachingcalls.
So if you're interested in aclarity coaching call where we
can talk about what youaccomplished, how to stack the
(32:50):
evidence and what to plan for in2026, I'm excited to, to meet
you.
So look in the show notes forall the links and as always,
aspire for more for you.
Knowing that you're alreadyenough and share this email with
your team because they need toknow how to look for the
evidence and stack the evidenceof their growth too, because
(33:14):
gratitude is a growth strategy.
Have a great holiday week.
Talk to you soon friends.
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