December 18, 2025 • 30 mins
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If you’ve ever felt the immediate urge to jump in, fix the problem, and make everything better — this episode is for you.
In senior living leadership, the instinct to rescue is common. When someone comes to you overwhelmed or stressed, your body reacts before your brain does. Your chest tightens. Your heart races. You feel the pressure to act fast.
That reaction isn’t leadership instinct — it’s anxiety.
In this follow-up episode to The Questions That Build Leaders, Erin explores the skill underneath asking better questions: learning how to breathe through the anxiety of fixing, rescuing, and over-functioning.
This is a mentoring-style episode that teaches leaders how to pause, regulate their nervous system, and stay present long enough to help others think, grow, and solve problems for themselves — without guilt, shame, or withdrawal of support.
As Erin shares throughout the episode:
Every time you help someone solve their own problem, your influence grows.
🎧 In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
- Why the urge to fix feels urgent — and why it’s often anxiety, not leadership
- How rescuing creates short-term relief but long-term dependence
- The simple one-breath pause that interrupts over-functioning
- How to respond instead of react when problems come to you
- Why fixing soothes the leader but doesn’t build confidence in others
- How asking questions actually multiplies support instead of withholding it
- The connection between calm leadership, influence, and capacity
- How to stop being the bottleneck and start building leaders
- Why leadership requires awareness more than urgency
🌱 Key Takeaway
You don’t have to fix everything to be a great leader.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stay present in the discomfort long enough to let someone find their own answer. That pause — even one breath — is where confidence, ownership, and leadership capacity begin to grow.
📣 Resources & Next Steps
If this episode resonates with you, you may also enjoy:
🎧 The Questions That Build Leaders (previous episode)
💡 Erin also teaches these skills inside the 100% Leader Program, where leaders learn how to build capacity, confidence, and influence without burning out.
Details and links are available in the show notes.
🤝 Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
If this episode helped you:
- Share it with a leader who carries too much
- Listen to the previous episode as a companion
- Send Erin a message with your biggest takeaway
As always, aspire for more for you , knowing you’re already enough.
Learn more about the 100% Leader here
New ED's Playbook to Creating and IMpactful Community Cultrue
Connect with me on LinkedIn
Follow me on Facebook where I educate, equip and empower family members how to proactively care for their elderly loved ones.
Follow me on Instagram where I educate, equip and empower family members how to proactively care for their elderly loved ones.
Join my email list where I will lift you up, and send tactile advice weekly to support you to grow your experience in your senior living career.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(01:06):
Welcome back to another episodeof The Aspire for More with Erin
podcast or mentoring session orcoaching session, whatever you
wanna call it, whenever youlisten to me for Thank you for
being here.
Last episode we talked about howquestion.
Build leaders, how do we growand build leaders that can solve
(01:29):
problems for themselves, whichis something that we want to
happen inside of our community.
We went over that the answersare already inside of the
leaders in front of you.
You just have to pull them out.
Whether it's a confidence or acompetency problem, that's your
goal as a leaders to be able tounderst understand that we went
(01:50):
over that questions, create abuy-in, and so really getting
people involved in solving theirproblems because hello.
They don't resist their owncreation, their own solution.
Some people are gonna resist ifyou come up with it, but if they
come up with it, they're notgonna resist that.
And then understanding thatquestions build confidence, and
(02:13):
that's important, especially ifyou ask the questions in the
right way with the right tone.
Questions also developleadership capacity, which is
huge because our overwhelm andour burnout inside this industry
is, is, is about the capacityproblem.
So if we want to build capacityin ourselves and in other
(02:33):
people, we want to ask themquestions so we can build that
capacity so they can expandtheir own capacity so they're
not living inside the limits.
They're understanding what'spossible.
So today I wanted to go over asa follow up to that episode,
how, how do we actually do thatwhen we have such a reaction
(03:01):
mechanism default to solveproblems, right?
How do we breathe?
Before we rescue.
So if you are a person who lovesto solve other people's
problems, who react, who don'ttake that pause to respond and
you wanna stop and you wanna goback and, and you wanna help
(03:22):
build leaders who can solveproblems on their own, bring to
you the problem and thesolution.
This episode is for you and themain goal, the main.
Line that I want you to thinkabout and understand is every
time you help someone solvetheir own problems, your
(03:44):
influence grows.
As a leader, you can't controlyour way to success, but you can
influence your way to success.
And so if you are involved inevery problem and you are
involved in every decision, andpeople have to come to you in
order to move forward.
You have zero influence.
You have control and probably alot of resentment swimming
(04:07):
around inside of your community.
But if you can ask questions andsupport your leaders in their
own process of solving theirproblems, your influence grows
because their capacity grows.
Your capacity grows.
Your time is more of yours.
They have more time and theywon't resist.
(04:30):
What they have created andyou've created a safe space
almost for them to talk about,oh, this didn't work.
Okay, well let's ask somequestions and dive in, goes back
to that fail framework on how toturn those, those moments
around, which is reallyimportant.
So this is for you.
(04:50):
This is for you.
Okay.
I don't want you to think thatbecause you jump in and fix
other people's problems, thatyou're a bad leader, and I don't
want you to think that when youstop jumping in and fixing
everybody's problems, thatthey're gonna think that you're
a bad leader, that you don'tcare anymore.
What I want you to understand iswhat the root cause is as to why
(05:13):
you're jumping in and solvingeverybody's problems.
Now, if you've listened to melong enough, you know my story.
It had a tendency to jump in andsolve people's problems.
I overcame that and wantedpeople to solve their own
problems because honestly,there's two executive directors
that were on my team in twodifferent roles now.
I knew they had potential, andif I wasn't, if I wasn't going
(05:36):
to allow them to grow, I washolding them back.
They had the ability to problemsolve, so why am I gonna step in
the way and solve all theirproblems?
I'm not gonna do that.
But when I wanted to.
I look back now, hindsight being2020, and I understand that
drive was my own nervous systemtelling me that this is an
(05:59):
emergency, you need to fix it,right?
That tight feeling in my chest,the desire to solve the problem,
the mindset of I need to actright now.
I mistook that for.
Leadership instinct.
I'm good at this, I'm gonna godo that.
(06:20):
I'm gonna get it done right.
That's anxiety, that's notleadership instinct.
Or I guess you could say that'sleadership instinct mixed up
with anxiety, and it's part ofthat emotional tornado.
I wanna teach you today that theskill underneath asking better
questions is really aboutbreathing.
(06:44):
About you breathing through theanxiety of not rescuing people,
of you calming your nervoussystem and saying, this can be
solved without you.
You just need to ask questions.
And the other thing I wannapreface this conversation about
is there are people who havepotential.
(07:07):
Do you see them?
Is there a difference?
There are people that you canstart practicing with this skill
now that will be a soft placebecause you know they have
potential.
You see that they can problemsolve.
You see that they want to, andmaybe you're holding them back,
start this skill with them andthen there are people who can
(07:32):
build the capacity to problemsolve that are gonna take a
little bit more time andpatience for you.
Okay, so choose who you canpractice this skill on first to
strengthen it, to getcomfortable with it, to lower
your anxiety, to be able toidentify when you need to
breathe through it and pause andthen start working on the other
(07:55):
people who have potential, whojust don't have the maturity
yet.
Don't start.
This skill of breathing throughanxiety and helping people solve
their problems with somebodywho's going to need more than
you can give right now.
Start with someone who's alreadyhas problem solving abilities
(08:16):
and start asking them questionsand giving them the confidence
that they need.
Because once you learn how tolet go, how to equip, how to
empower, how to build capacityin others.
Leadership starts to feel alittle bit lighter, almost
immediately you can feel yournervous system calming down.
(08:37):
And that's important.
That's, that's what we need.
Now, if you don't have anybodywho are problem solvers, and you
don't see potential in people.
That you have currently in yourteam.
that's another topic ofconversation, but there's gotta
be at least one person that youcan do this with to start
(08:58):
practicing and you can tellthem, Hey, I see a lot of
potential in you and I wannastart working on.
some capacity building exerciseswith you.
So when you bring me a problem,I'm gonna start asking you
questions.
I may have solved too manyproblems in the past and I want
to fix that.
And I wanna start with youbecause I see potential in you.
(09:19):
Wow.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Wouldn't that be such an honorto be told?
I would love that.
so this episode is for you, theleaders who know they shouldn't
rescue.
But feel physicallyuncomfortable not doing it.
Okay, so, let's get into the keyteaching here.
(09:43):
Why does it feel so hard to stoprescuing?
Again, it's that physical.
Feeling of anxiety, thattightening of the chest, the
heartbeat racing.
I've gotta fix this now becauseit's urgent.
So my question to you, is iturgent?
(10:04):
Who is telling you, what istelling you that this is so bad
that you have to act on itimmediately?
It's probably just anxiety.
Because what happens is you getworked up in such a way that
fixing it creates relief foryou.
(10:24):
But relief is short-lived andit's not leadership.
I think we get confusedsometimes that leadership is
very short term minded, butleadership needs to be a long
term.
Lead.
Okay.
Managers are going to managesomething in the moment, but
(10:46):
leaders understand that themoment will create a long-term
positive effect.
So fixing when somebody bringsyou a problem and you get
literally physically moved,tightening in the chest.
Anxiety, heart rate.
All of a sudden, I gotta fixthis now so I can get relief for
(11:09):
you.
Because what if the person wantsto solve their own problem?
What if they have ideas?
We don't even ask them.
We just solve it.
That person gets upset.
All of a sudden your reliefturns into their resentment,
which is a problem we want toreally think about.
Asking questions to build thecapacity for you to sit in
(11:31):
discomfort and for them to growin the discomfort, right?
You cannot regulate yourselffirst because you will rescue
and solve and fix every time.
So be aware of your physical andpsychological feelings when
(11:54):
problems come up, and who isstanding in front of you or who
is on the other line that youcan ask questions to.
Again, questions are notabandoning people.
Questions are helping themunderstand that they have the
ability, the knowledge, theforesight, everything to solve
(12:15):
these problems.
So here's how you're gonna dothat.
First step is identifying I amphysically and mentally and
emotionally moved when a problemcomes to me.
I don't wanna be a manager, Iwanna be a leader.
So how do I do that?
And this is where that power ofthe pause comes in.
(12:35):
and really it's just one breath.
It's not a thousand breaths.
It could be for box breaths, ifyou've heard of that, where you
go in for and out for, but youreally only need one breath, one
pause.
You need to, okay.
The problem comes to you.
(12:57):
I feel my body physicallychanging.
My heart rate's going.
My mind is racing.
Okay.
I don't wanna rescue somebody.
I wanna help them solve thisproblem.
So before answering, I'm gonnapause, and now, depending on the
relationship with your team, andI have done this before, I'm not
(13:18):
gonna lie.
I take a deep breath and it'svery exaggerated.
So they know what's going on andI'm like, and I blow it out.
I close my eyes and I'm like,okay.
Sometimes the first question Iask is, how did we get.
Here.
Okay, how did we get here?
And they just look at me andthey acknowledge, they feel the
(13:39):
same way.
Okay?
And now that one breath caninterrupt the fact that my
autopilot of fixing and solvingand rescuing has now been
disrupted.
And then it buys my brain, myemotions, time to just regulate
itself and tell myself I'm okay.
Everybody's okay.
(14:00):
Let me ask some questions.
And again, if you tell yourteam, this is what I'm working
on, this is what you're gonnasee from me, it can be really
funny.
And it goes back to influencebecause if you want people to
grow, you've gotta really showthem evidence that you're
growing and to be consistentwith your growth because it's
(14:24):
the influence that this bringsto your team.
I was so transparent with myteam about a lot of things.
Obviously not things that wereinappropriate, but I'm really
trying to get better in thisarea, or this is some of the
things that we're gonna dobecause the more they know, the
more that you can manage theirexpectations, the more they see
(14:46):
you struggle and get better, themore it gives them permission to
do the same thing.
So do not be ashamed to say, I'mpausing.
And I'm gonna take a deep breathand I'm gonna ask you, how did
we get here?
And then I'm gonna ask you somereal good questions to help us
(15:06):
get out of this currentsituation that we're in, This
space, this pause creates thatleadership and capacity building
moment, the respondingoverreacting.
And it gets everybody back intoreality and not in some kind of
future that we're creating outof fear, which is really, really
(15:28):
important because that's whatanxiety is, We're creating all
these outcomes.
We're thinking about all thesethings that aren't even true.
But I can take a beat, I cantake a breath, I can ask how'd
we get here?
I can feel my body tense up andmy nervous system catch on fire
and I can say we're gonna beokay.
Because I am human.
(15:49):
Because they are human, andwe're gonna solve this in a
human way.
That's building capacity.
That's how we're gonna breathethrough the anxiety.
So again, we're talking abouthow solving other people's
problems.
Does not build influence.
(16:10):
And every time you help someonesolve their own problem, your
influence grows and influenceshow we're going to get people to
change.
And we're gonna be looking forthese people who are already
problem solving, who you cantrust, who are on this growth
journey with you, that you cansay that we're doing this
together.
(16:31):
That's, that's who we're gonnastart off with and we're gonna
be aware of when our body tellsus that it's urgent, it's
immediate, it's a fire, you needto react.
But really what we already knowis that the fire department's
called in to respond.
They're called first responders,they're not called first
reactors.
And leadership inside of ourcommunity needs people who can
(16:52):
take this one breath.
be aware of their changes and toask questions to help people to
grow because there's power inthe pause.
And when people see you startresponding, they will do the
same thing.
So the rescue trap that we fallinto makes us feel useful.
(17:14):
It makes us feel needed.
It can make us feel competent,but it also means that we.
We have to be involved ineverything and that's our, our
problem that we put ourselvesthere.
No one else.
We want to be able to equip andempower people and grow leaders
(17:35):
that can solve their ownproblem.
I don't wanna become thebottleneck of why people can't
move in or why people can't getback in, or not being able to
fill the shift, not being ableto move forward, not being able
to answer questions that come tome.
I don't wanna be the bottleneck.
I wanna teach and empower andunderstand other people's
(17:56):
strengths and lift them up sothey can make, honestly me look
good, because I wanna look goodin the eyes of my corporation.
or the owner.
I don't wanna constantly feellike I have to solve all the
problems I wanna be able toanswer people's questions to me
and really brag on my team tothem, because that's what
(18:19):
corporations are looking for inthe leadership at their
community.
I don't wanna be the bottleneck.
I don't want somebody to say tome.
why do you have to be involvedin every situation?
Because every time you solve aproblem for them, you may feel
good, but you've taken theirconfidence with you.
(18:40):
And if you were talking up toyour corporate office and you
were saying that I did this, andI did that, and I did this, then
a good leader in the corporateoffice is saying.
This community isn't growingleaders, the executive director
is responsible for everything,and we really need a
well-rounded leadershipdepartment because what happens
(19:03):
if you're solving every problem,and you get hit by a bus, nobody
knows how to run the community,solve the problems, and that's
not fair to the residents, andit's not fair to the associates.
How to get outta that rescuetrap is understanding that
short-term relief, short-termproblem solving, managing in the
(19:25):
moment does not create long-termsuccess.
It creates a need and adependency on you, which is
burning people out because Idon't know if I need to repeat
this to you, but we are 24hours, seven days a week, 365
days a year.
Do you want to be available 24hours a day, seven days a week,
(19:48):
365 days a year?
I hope the answer to thatquestion is no.
So what do you do instead?
How do I, decrease thedependency and increase the
independence of my team?
You ask questions, realconversations in the moment.
That's what we do.
(20:09):
That's what I want you to do.
Think about using this scenariowhen anxiety shows up, when
you're breathing in and out ofyour nose, you become aware of
all the physiological andphysical changes, and you say, I
feel the urge to fix.
You take a breath, you askyourself, how did we get here?
(20:32):
And then maybe you ask yourselfa few other questions and ask
the other person and yourself afew other questions.
What do you think the real issueis?
What have we already tried?
what feels the hardest aboutthis moment right now?
And what would you do if Iwasn't here?
(20:54):
These are great questions.
Asking these questions is notwithholding support.
It's not putting them on thespot, and if you pre-frame it
to, okay, I'm gonna ask you somequestions because I want you to
help me solve this, or I wannabe able to help you solve this
(21:15):
problem and not solve it myself.
It's multiplying support.
It's teaching yourself that youdon't have to solve the problem.
It's teaching the leader thatthey're already capable of
solving the problem, and it'steaching them the skills to ask
the same questions to somebodyelse.
And we, as leaders inside of acommunity, have a ton of
questions we have to ask andanswer due to investigations.
(21:38):
And these are greatinvestigative questions.
Also great to calm everythingdown.
And really collect information,which is just data.
So here they are again.
What do you think the real issueis?
What have you already tried?
What feels hardest about thisright now?
(22:01):
And what would you do if Iwasn't here?
All great questions tounderstand the response, and I'm
gonna tell you something elseabout asking these questions.
You're gonna be able to knowwhere people are in the maturity
of leadership, where they are inthe problem solving scale, and
where they need the most growth,the most mentoring.
(22:25):
And that is key when you'retalking about equipping and
empowering people to create moretime for yourself and to grow
the capacity of, of them, ofyour team.
Again, asking a question is notwithholding support.
It's multiplying it if peopleget defensive when you're asking
questions.
(22:45):
Maybe it's your tone.
Maybe it's how you pre-frame it,but I think it's important for
people, for people tounderstand.
I'm gonna be asking youquestions because you already
have the answer, and I justwanna pull it out of you.
And the other thing is whenpeople answer questions, they
hear themselves.
And it goes back to one of myfavorite lines is that people do
(23:09):
not believe what you tell them.
They might believe what otherpeople tell them, but they truly
believe what they tellthemselves.
And when you can change thestory of the person that they're
telling themselves, and you canchange that thought process.
You've got real influence insideof your community, but you don't
(23:30):
know the story they're tellingthemselves unless you ask them
questions.
That's a sales lesson.
That's a leadership lesson.
That's a, relationship lesson.
You don't know what you'refighting unless you ask
questions to get to the rootcause so you don't have to fix
(23:51):
to help people.
You have to get clear to helppeople.
Is this a problem or is this adecision that has to be made?
Because I can't lead a problemand I can't solve a decision,
but I can ask clarifyingquestions to understand which
one I'm working with a problemor a decision, and I don't need
(24:12):
to fix in order to help.
I just have to get clear Thepeople with the best clarity,
the most clear vision, the mostclear intent.
Clear boundaries are the mostinfluential person in the room,
and that's who you want to be.
You want to pull that out ofpeople.
(24:35):
That's why influence is soimportant in creating more time
and creating better leaders andcreating a.
Positive resident experienceinside of your community.
When someone finds their ownanswers, something shifts.
It's that confidence.
It's that capacity.
It's the ownership.
(24:57):
Which we all want our departmentmanagers to do.
And if you're a corporateleader, we want our executive
directors to own as well.
So when they solve their ownproblems, when they're given the
opportunity to fail forwardwithout, fear of firing and
termination.
(25:17):
Now obviously we wanna put thatinto some context, but we know
that confidence grows.
We know that ownership willincrease.
And we know that the trust willdeepen.
The influence expands and getsbigger.
So every time you help someonesolve their own problem, your
influence grows, theirconfidence grows.
(25:39):
And when somebody owns theirdepartment or their community,
their influence grows.
They're influencing everythingbecause when people own
something and are passionateabout it and can communicate
about it, everybody's influencedby that.
We gotta give people theopportunity to own it.
as a wrap up, let's repeat thisclearly.
(26:03):
Here's as a wrap up.
Here are the main points.
That I want you to understand ofwhy breathing through the need
to fix is so important.
Anxiety makes rescuing feelurgent.
Identify it, become aware of it,and move on from it.
(26:23):
One breath will interrupt thiscycle.
Just one deep breath and askingwhat's the real issue here?
Fixing, rescuing, solving Suesyou, brings you relief, but not
to them.
It might bring you relief fromyour own symptoms of needing to
(26:44):
fix and control, but it canbuild resentment in other people
who want the freedom to solvetheir own problems.
Questions will build confidenceas long as you use the right
tone and pre-frame them that I'mhere to help you.
Grow and expand in yourleadership capacity and
influence.
Your influence and theirinfluence grows.
(27:07):
When we all pause and understandwhere we are, how we got here in
ways to solve or make adecision, solve a problem, or
make a decision to move peopleforward in a positive way.
Remember, you don't have to fixeverything.
To be a great leader, you do nothave to solve every problem.
(27:29):
Great leaders trust their peopleand can have their back and
communicate the process and thewhy.
Sometimes the most powerfulthing that you can do is to stay
present long enough in thediscomfort, to be courageous, to
stay in the discomfort, to askthe questions.
(27:51):
And consider it that somebodyelse wants to find their own
answer.
Leadership requires awarenessand the willingness to shine the
light on someone else's skill.
'cause it's not about you, it'sabout them.
And that's where influence.
(28:13):
Is made.
If this episode resonates withyou and you feel like somebody
needs to hear this, please shareit with them.
invite them into thisconversation and listening to
the episode before this aboutbuilding and growing leaders and
the power of questions is agreat way for them to start
thinking about what this lookslike in their leadership.
(28:34):
I want to, say that we'reopening up enrollment for the a
hundred percent leader program.
Again, a hundred percent is notjust a metric, it is a mindset.
And part of what I'm teachinghere is what is going to create
more a hundred percent leadersin a side of our communities.
I'll put the website, on the ahundred percent leader program.
(28:57):
in the show notes.
So please go there and look formore information.
You can always email me, get onmy calendar and we can chat
Again.
Thank you.
Thank you for your time and goout there and let's start having
people solve their own problems.
Remember, always aspire for morefor you, knowing that you're
(29:20):
already enough.
Welcome back to another episodeof The Aspire for More with Erin
podcast or mentoring session orcoaching session, whatever you
wanna call it, whenever youlisten to me for Thank you for
being here.
Last episode we talked about howquestion.
Build leaders, how do we growand build leaders that can solve
(01:29):
problems for themselves, whichis something that we want to
happen inside of our community.
We went over that the answersare already inside of the
leaders in front of you.
You just have to pull them out.
Whether it's a confidence or acompetency problem, that's your
goal as a leaders to be able tounderst understand that we went
(01:50):
over that questions, create abuy-in, and so really getting
people involved in solving theirproblems because hello.
They don't resist their owncreation, their own solution.
Some people are gonna resist ifyou come up with it, but if they
come up with it, they're notgonna resist that.
And then understanding thatquestions build confidence, and
(02:13):
that's important, especially ifyou ask the questions in the
right way with the right tone.
Questions also developleadership capacity, which is
huge because our overwhelm andour burnout inside this industry
is, is, is about the capacityproblem.
So if we want to build capacityin ourselves and in other
(02:33):
people, we want to ask themquestions so we can build that
capacity so they can expandtheir own capacity so they're
not living inside the limits.
They're understanding what'spossible.
So today I wanted to go over asa follow up to that episode,
how, how do we actually do thatwhen we have such a reaction
(03:01):
mechanism default to solveproblems, right?
How do we breathe?
Before we rescue.
So if you are a person who lovesto solve other people's
problems, who react, who don'ttake that pause to respond and
you wanna stop and you wanna goback and, and you wanna help
(03:22):
build leaders who can solveproblems on their own, bring to
you the problem and thesolution.
This episode is for you and themain goal, the main.
Line that I want you to thinkabout and understand is every
time you help someone solvetheir own problems, your
(03:44):
influence grows.
As a leader, you can't controlyour way to success, but you can
influence your way to success.
And so if you are involved inevery problem and you are
involved in every decision, andpeople have to come to you in
order to move forward.
You have zero influence.
You have control and probably alot of resentment swimming
(04:07):
around inside of your community.
But if you can ask questions andsupport your leaders in their
own process of solving theirproblems, your influence grows
because their capacity grows.
Your capacity grows.
Your time is more of yours.
They have more time and theywon't resist.
(04:30):
What they have created andyou've created a safe space
almost for them to talk about,oh, this didn't work.
Okay, well let's ask somequestions and dive in, goes back
to that fail framework on how toturn those, those moments
around, which is reallyimportant.
So this is for you.
(04:50):
This is for you.
Okay.
I don't want you to think thatbecause you jump in and fix
other people's problems, thatyou're a bad leader, and I don't
want you to think that when youstop jumping in and fixing
everybody's problems, thatthey're gonna think that you're
a bad leader, that you don'tcare anymore.
What I want you to understand iswhat the root cause is as to why
(05:13):
you're jumping in and solvingeverybody's problems.
Now, if you've listened to melong enough, you know my story.
It had a tendency to jump in andsolve people's problems.
I overcame that and wantedpeople to solve their own
problems because honestly,there's two executive directors
that were on my team in twodifferent roles now.
I knew they had potential, andif I wasn't, if I wasn't going
(05:36):
to allow them to grow, I washolding them back.
They had the ability to problemsolve, so why am I gonna step in
the way and solve all theirproblems?
I'm not gonna do that.
But when I wanted to.
I look back now, hindsight being2020, and I understand that
drive was my own nervous systemtelling me that this is an
(05:59):
emergency, you need to fix it,right?
That tight feeling in my chest,the desire to solve the problem,
the mindset of I need to actright now.
I mistook that for.
Leadership instinct.
I'm good at this, I'm gonna godo that.
(06:20):
I'm gonna get it done right.
That's anxiety, that's notleadership instinct.
Or I guess you could say that'sleadership instinct mixed up
with anxiety, and it's part ofthat emotional tornado.
I wanna teach you today that theskill underneath asking better
questions is really aboutbreathing.
(06:44):
About you breathing through theanxiety of not rescuing people,
of you calming your nervoussystem and saying, this can be
solved without you.
You just need to ask questions.
And the other thing I wannapreface this conversation about
is there are people who havepotential.
(07:07):
Do you see them?
Is there a difference?
There are people that you canstart practicing with this skill
now that will be a soft placebecause you know they have
potential.
You see that they can problemsolve.
You see that they want to, andmaybe you're holding them back,
start this skill with them andthen there are people who can
(07:32):
build the capacity to problemsolve that are gonna take a
little bit more time andpatience for you.
Okay, so choose who you canpractice this skill on first to
strengthen it, to getcomfortable with it, to lower
your anxiety, to be able toidentify when you need to
breathe through it and pause andthen start working on the other
(07:55):
people who have potential, whojust don't have the maturity
yet.
Don't start.
This skill of breathing throughanxiety and helping people solve
their problems with somebodywho's going to need more than
you can give right now.
Start with someone who's alreadyhas problem solving abilities
(08:16):
and start asking them questionsand giving them the confidence
that they need.
Because once you learn how tolet go, how to equip, how to
empower, how to build capacityin others.
Leadership starts to feel alittle bit lighter, almost
immediately you can feel yournervous system calming down.
(08:37):
And that's important.
That's, that's what we need.
Now, if you don't have anybodywho are problem solvers, and you
don't see potential in people.
That you have currently in yourteam.
that's another topic ofconversation, but there's gotta
be at least one person that youcan do this with to start
(08:58):
practicing and you can tellthem, Hey, I see a lot of
potential in you and I wannastart working on.
some capacity building exerciseswith you.
So when you bring me a problem,I'm gonna start asking you
questions.
I may have solved too manyproblems in the past and I want
to fix that.
And I wanna start with youbecause I see potential in you.
(09:19):
Wow.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Wouldn't that be such an honorto be told?
I would love that.
so this episode is for you, theleaders who know they shouldn't
rescue.
But feel physicallyuncomfortable not doing it.
Okay, so, let's get into the keyteaching here.
(09:43):
Why does it feel so hard to stoprescuing?
Again, it's that physical.
Feeling of anxiety, thattightening of the chest, the
heartbeat racing.
I've gotta fix this now becauseit's urgent.
So my question to you, is iturgent?
(10:04):
Who is telling you, what istelling you that this is so bad
that you have to act on itimmediately?
It's probably just anxiety.
Because what happens is you getworked up in such a way that
fixing it creates relief foryou.
(10:24):
But relief is short-lived andit's not leadership.
I think we get confusedsometimes that leadership is
very short term minded, butleadership needs to be a long
term.
Lead.
Okay.
Managers are going to managesomething in the moment, but
(10:46):
leaders understand that themoment will create a long-term
positive effect.
So fixing when somebody bringsyou a problem and you get
literally physically moved,tightening in the chest.
Anxiety, heart rate.
All of a sudden, I gotta fixthis now so I can get relief for
(11:09):
you.
Because what if the person wantsto solve their own problem?
What if they have ideas?
We don't even ask them.
We just solve it.
That person gets upset.
All of a sudden your reliefturns into their resentment,
which is a problem we want toreally think about.
Asking questions to build thecapacity for you to sit in
(11:31):
discomfort and for them to growin the discomfort, right?
You cannot regulate yourselffirst because you will rescue
and solve and fix every time.
So be aware of your physical andpsychological feelings when
(11:54):
problems come up, and who isstanding in front of you or who
is on the other line that youcan ask questions to.
Again, questions are notabandoning people.
Questions are helping themunderstand that they have the
ability, the knowledge, theforesight, everything to solve
(12:15):
these problems.
So here's how you're gonna dothat.
First step is identifying I amphysically and mentally and
emotionally moved when a problemcomes to me.
I don't wanna be a manager, Iwanna be a leader.
So how do I do that?
And this is where that power ofthe pause comes in.
(12:35):
and really it's just one breath.
It's not a thousand breaths.
It could be for box breaths, ifyou've heard of that, where you
go in for and out for, but youreally only need one breath, one
pause.
You need to, okay.
The problem comes to you.
(12:57):
I feel my body physicallychanging.
My heart rate's going.
My mind is racing.
Okay.
I don't wanna rescue somebody.
I wanna help them solve thisproblem.
So before answering, I'm gonnapause, and now, depending on the
relationship with your team, andI have done this before, I'm not
(13:18):
gonna lie.
I take a deep breath and it'svery exaggerated.
So they know what's going on andI'm like, and I blow it out.
I close my eyes and I'm like,okay.
Sometimes the first question Iask is, how did we get.
Here.
Okay, how did we get here?
And they just look at me andthey acknowledge, they feel the
(13:39):
same way.
Okay?
And now that one breath caninterrupt the fact that my
autopilot of fixing and solvingand rescuing has now been
disrupted.
And then it buys my brain, myemotions, time to just regulate
itself and tell myself I'm okay.
Everybody's okay.
(14:00):
Let me ask some questions.
And again, if you tell yourteam, this is what I'm working
on, this is what you're gonnasee from me, it can be really
funny.
And it goes back to influencebecause if you want people to
grow, you've gotta really showthem evidence that you're
growing and to be consistentwith your growth because it's
(14:24):
the influence that this bringsto your team.
I was so transparent with myteam about a lot of things.
Obviously not things that wereinappropriate, but I'm really
trying to get better in thisarea, or this is some of the
things that we're gonna dobecause the more they know, the
more that you can manage theirexpectations, the more they see
(14:46):
you struggle and get better, themore it gives them permission to
do the same thing.
So do not be ashamed to say, I'mpausing.
And I'm gonna take a deep breathand I'm gonna ask you, how did
we get here?
And then I'm gonna ask you somereal good questions to help us
(15:06):
get out of this currentsituation that we're in, This
space, this pause creates thatleadership and capacity building
moment, the respondingoverreacting.
And it gets everybody back intoreality and not in some kind of
future that we're creating outof fear, which is really, really
(15:28):
important because that's whatanxiety is, We're creating all
these outcomes.
We're thinking about all thesethings that aren't even true.
But I can take a beat, I cantake a breath, I can ask how'd
we get here?
I can feel my body tense up andmy nervous system catch on fire
and I can say we're gonna beokay.
Because I am human.
(15:49):
Because they are human, andwe're gonna solve this in a
human way.
That's building capacity.
That's how we're gonna breathethrough the anxiety.
So again, we're talking abouthow solving other people's
problems.
Does not build influence.
(16:10):
And every time you help someonesolve their own problem, your
influence grows and influenceshow we're going to get people to
change.
And we're gonna be looking forthese people who are already
problem solving, who you cantrust, who are on this growth
journey with you, that you cansay that we're doing this
together.
(16:31):
That's, that's who we're gonnastart off with and we're gonna
be aware of when our body tellsus that it's urgent, it's
immediate, it's a fire, you needto react.
But really what we already knowis that the fire department's
called in to respond.
They're called first responders,they're not called first
reactors.
And leadership inside of ourcommunity needs people who can
(16:52):
take this one breath.
be aware of their changes and toask questions to help people to
grow because there's power inthe pause.
And when people see you startresponding, they will do the
same thing.
So the rescue trap that we fallinto makes us feel useful.
(17:14):
It makes us feel needed.
It can make us feel competent,but it also means that we.
We have to be involved ineverything and that's our, our
problem that we put ourselvesthere.
No one else.
We want to be able to equip andempower people and grow leaders
(17:35):
that can solve their ownproblem.
I don't wanna become thebottleneck of why people can't
move in or why people can't getback in, or not being able to
fill the shift, not being ableto move forward, not being able
to answer questions that come tome.
I don't wanna be the bottleneck.
I wanna teach and empower andunderstand other people's
(17:56):
strengths and lift them up sothey can make, honestly me look
good, because I wanna look goodin the eyes of my corporation.
or the owner.
I don't wanna constantly feellike I have to solve all the
problems I wanna be able toanswer people's questions to me
and really brag on my team tothem, because that's what
(18:19):
corporations are looking for inthe leadership at their
community.
I don't wanna be the bottleneck.
I don't want somebody to say tome.
why do you have to be involvedin every situation?
Because every time you solve aproblem for them, you may feel
good, but you've taken theirconfidence with you.
(18:40):
And if you were talking up toyour corporate office and you
were saying that I did this, andI did that, and I did this, then
a good leader in the corporateoffice is saying.
This community isn't growingleaders, the executive director
is responsible for everything,and we really need a
well-rounded leadershipdepartment because what happens
(19:03):
if you're solving every problem,and you get hit by a bus, nobody
knows how to run the community,solve the problems, and that's
not fair to the residents, andit's not fair to the associates.
How to get outta that rescuetrap is understanding that
short-term relief, short-termproblem solving, managing in the
(19:25):
moment does not create long-termsuccess.
It creates a need and adependency on you, which is
burning people out because Idon't know if I need to repeat
this to you, but we are 24hours, seven days a week, 365
days a year.
Do you want to be available 24hours a day, seven days a week,
(19:48):
365 days a year?
I hope the answer to thatquestion is no.
So what do you do instead?
How do I, decrease thedependency and increase the
independence of my team?
You ask questions, realconversations in the moment.
That's what we do.
(20:09):
That's what I want you to do.
Think about using this scenariowhen anxiety shows up, when
you're breathing in and out ofyour nose, you become aware of
all the physiological andphysical changes, and you say, I
feel the urge to fix.
You take a breath, you askyourself, how did we get here?
(20:32):
And then maybe you ask yourselfa few other questions and ask
the other person and yourself afew other questions.
What do you think the real issueis?
What have we already tried?
what feels the hardest aboutthis moment right now?
And what would you do if Iwasn't here?
(20:54):
These are great questions.
Asking these questions is notwithholding support.
It's not putting them on thespot, and if you pre-frame it
to, okay, I'm gonna ask you somequestions because I want you to
help me solve this, or I wannabe able to help you solve this
(21:15):
problem and not solve it myself.
It's multiplying support.
It's teaching yourself that youdon't have to solve the problem.
It's teaching the leader thatthey're already capable of
solving the problem, and it'steaching them the skills to ask
the same questions to somebodyelse.
And we, as leaders inside of acommunity, have a ton of
questions we have to ask andanswer due to investigations.
(21:38):
And these are greatinvestigative questions.
Also great to calm everythingdown.
And really collect information,which is just data.
So here they are again.
What do you think the real issueis?
What have you already tried?
What feels hardest about thisright now?
(22:01):
And what would you do if Iwasn't here?
All great questions tounderstand the response, and I'm
gonna tell you something elseabout asking these questions.
You're gonna be able to knowwhere people are in the maturity
of leadership, where they are inthe problem solving scale, and
where they need the most growth,the most mentoring.
(22:25):
And that is key when you'retalking about equipping and
empowering people to create moretime for yourself and to grow
the capacity of, of them, ofyour team.
Again, asking a question is notwithholding support.
It's multiplying it if peopleget defensive when you're asking
questions.
(22:45):
Maybe it's your tone.
Maybe it's how you pre-frame it,but I think it's important for
people, for people tounderstand.
I'm gonna be asking youquestions because you already
have the answer, and I justwanna pull it out of you.
And the other thing is whenpeople answer questions, they
hear themselves.
And it goes back to one of myfavorite lines is that people do
(23:09):
not believe what you tell them.
They might believe what otherpeople tell them, but they truly
believe what they tellthemselves.
And when you can change thestory of the person that they're
telling themselves, and you canchange that thought process.
You've got real influence insideof your community, but you don't
(23:30):
know the story they're tellingthemselves unless you ask them
questions.
That's a sales lesson.
That's a leadership lesson.
That's a, relationship lesson.
You don't know what you'refighting unless you ask
questions to get to the rootcause so you don't have to fix
(23:51):
to help people.
You have to get clear to helppeople.
Is this a problem or is this adecision that has to be made?
Because I can't lead a problemand I can't solve a decision,
but I can ask clarifyingquestions to understand which
one I'm working with a problemor a decision, and I don't need
(24:12):
to fix in order to help.
I just have to get clear Thepeople with the best clarity,
the most clear vision, the mostclear intent.
Clear boundaries are the mostinfluential person in the room,
and that's who you want to be.
You want to pull that out ofpeople.
(24:35):
That's why influence is soimportant in creating more time
and creating better leaders andcreating a.
Positive resident experienceinside of your community.
When someone finds their ownanswers, something shifts.
It's that confidence.
It's that capacity.
It's the ownership.
(24:57):
Which we all want our departmentmanagers to do.
And if you're a corporateleader, we want our executive
directors to own as well.
So when they solve their ownproblems, when they're given the
opportunity to fail forwardwithout, fear of firing and
termination.
(25:17):
Now obviously we wanna put thatinto some context, but we know
that confidence grows.
We know that ownership willincrease.
And we know that the trust willdeepen.
The influence expands and getsbigger.
So every time you help someonesolve their own problem, your
influence grows, theirconfidence grows.
(25:39):
And when somebody owns theirdepartment or their community,
their influence grows.
They're influencing everythingbecause when people own
something and are passionateabout it and can communicate
about it, everybody's influencedby that.
We gotta give people theopportunity to own it.
as a wrap up, let's repeat thisclearly.
(26:03):
Here's as a wrap up.
Here are the main points.
That I want you to understand ofwhy breathing through the need
to fix is so important.
Anxiety makes rescuing feelurgent.
Identify it, become aware of it,and move on from it.
(26:23):
One breath will interrupt thiscycle.
Just one deep breath and askingwhat's the real issue here?
Fixing, rescuing, solving Suesyou, brings you relief, but not
to them.
It might bring you relief fromyour own symptoms of needing to
(26:44):
fix and control, but it canbuild resentment in other people
who want the freedom to solvetheir own problems.
Questions will build confidenceas long as you use the right
tone and pre-frame them that I'mhere to help you.
Grow and expand in yourleadership capacity and
influence.
Your influence and theirinfluence grows.
(27:07):
When we all pause and understandwhere we are, how we got here in
ways to solve or make adecision, solve a problem, or
make a decision to move peopleforward in a positive way.
Remember, you don't have to fixeverything.
To be a great leader, you do nothave to solve every problem.
(27:29):
Great leaders trust their peopleand can have their back and
communicate the process and thewhy.
Sometimes the most powerfulthing that you can do is to stay
present long enough in thediscomfort, to be courageous, to
stay in the discomfort, to askthe questions.
(27:51):
And consider it that somebodyelse wants to find their own
answer.
Leadership requires awarenessand the willingness to shine the
light on someone else's skill.
'cause it's not about you, it'sabout them.
And that's where influence.
(28:13):
Is made.
If this episode resonates withyou and you feel like somebody
needs to hear this, please shareit with them.
invite them into thisconversation and listening to
the episode before this aboutbuilding and growing leaders and
the power of questions is agreat way for them to start
thinking about what this lookslike in their leadership.
(28:34):
I want to, say that we'reopening up enrollment for the a
hundred percent leader program.
Again, a hundred percent is notjust a metric, it is a mindset.
And part of what I'm teachinghere is what is going to create
more a hundred percent leadersin a side of our communities.
I'll put the website, on the ahundred percent leader program.
(28:57):
in the show notes.
So please go there and look formore information.
You can always email me, get onmy calendar and we can chat
Again.
Thank you.
Thank you for your time and goout there and let's start having
people solve their own problems.
Remember, always aspire for morefor you, knowing that you're
(29:20):
already enough.
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