August 2, 2022 • 26 mins
Ever found yourself sidestepping a tough conversation, only to have it loom larger in your mind? You're not alone. Dallin and I take an unflinching look at the role conflict plays in our personal and professional lives, and why embracing it could be the key to unlocking growth. We swap stories and strategies, pulling from the sage advice of therapists and life coaches, to walk you through the transformative idea of "Collision for Expansion." It's a candid exploration of how direct confrontations, often seen as a negative force, can actually fortify bonds and lead to profound personal development.
Join us as we break down how to turn potential clashes into pivotal moments of unity and advancement. We tackle how setting clear expectations and upholding integrity builds a foundation of respect and high standards, particularly within the workplace. By sharing examples from our own journeys and discussing the pivotal role of perspective-taking, we offer insights into how you can navigate conflicts with grace and emerge with stronger relationships. This episode isn't just about facing the music; it's a masterclass in orchestrating harmony from discord.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the show, guys.
It's Wayne Aston here, withAston Incorporated, I'm your
host and I've got Dallin back instudio with me, my co-host.
How you doing today, dallin?
Speaker 2 (00:09):
doing awesome.
How about yourself?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I'm amazing.
I loved what she said in thelast episode.
If I was doing any better, Idon't know what I'd do with
myself.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Love that, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Today we've got some great content, guys excited to
drop this concept, which we'regoing to title collision for
expansion.
Okay, we're having an argumentwith somebody at work, or we're
having an argument with our wifeor we're arguing with our kids
Okay, given some context for thelisteners.
(00:43):
How does this all apply?
Collision for expansion?
And I'd have you consider,dallin, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna
, I'm eager to hear yourreaction of this, but but,
typically speaking, as humans,we don't love a conflict like we
don't love a collision withsomeone.
(01:04):
Yeah right and and typicallywhat happens is we as humans
will Will, we'll get somenegative energy thrown our way.
There's someone's thrown alittle shade and it feels like
there could be an argument, andif we're not responding to it,
then resentment's building upand pressures building up, and
(01:25):
this is really common in theworkplace.
You know you, you have littlethings happening and pretty soon
You're ready to explode onsomeone.
And so, through lots of, lotsof different amazing therapists
and life coaches, I've been ableto, you know, get a grip on
this, this concept of collisionfor expansion.
(01:47):
In my early days and we'll saythat teens and twenties leading
into my 30s it was my objectiveto avoid an argument at all
costs.
I did not want to argue, Ididn't want to have a fight, and
so I would avoid it.
I would do all these things toavoid it, and I think most
people relate with that.
(02:08):
Oh yeah because, just becauseit's so uncomfortable.
But but what that caused for meand I can only speak for myself
is Is a situation where Iallowed resentments to build and
I allowed myself to Spinstories up in my own head,
(02:29):
stories that were largely madeup of my own thoughts about.
About Taking somethingsomeone's saying to me,
interpreting it through my ownLens of my own perspective, and
receiving it differently than itwas intended, and then, but
then, not addressing it.
(02:49):
It bothers me, I'm feelingtriggered about it, but then I
don't say anything and I don'trespond, and so I let it spin a
story and a week later I'm likeready to go nuts on this person
because I've made up this crazystory about the facts that
aren't even facts.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Isn't even true.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Okay, not even based on truth.
Could be just a small comment.
All right, let's grab your knee, jerk.
Are you thinking, have you?
I mean, obviously you'veexperienced something like that,
where someone said somethingyou kind of let it go, of course
.
You let it go and it festers.
Do you experience?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
that, by the way, I mean like?
Speaker 1 (03:34):
are you consciously, do you consciously experience
like telling yourself storiesabout things and making them
into bigger, like making amountain out of a molehill?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
That's all I have to say.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Yes, he said yes, yes , I do.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Don't tell us, you don't do that.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
You're a liar if you don't.
You're a liar if you don't.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
So okay, so we can all I think we can all probably
agree that this is a commonthing for humans.
Not only is it common to avoida conflict, but it's also common
to spin stories up in our mindsand then create circumstances
that are way exaggerated, beyondwhat they needed to be or what
(04:19):
they were factually, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
That's all I'm saying .
Well, and I think it is in morescenarios than just with
conflict.
It's with everything your mindjust spins these stories.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
We were talking the other night.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
The mind's a peculiar , it really is interesting,
right, we were just talking theother night where a little
brother went up and hiked fourhours in, backed back in and
slept up in the mountains, putup a tent and I couldn't sleep
the whole night because my mindwas just spinning it was weird.
I've camped and I've hiked andI've done all this stuff
(04:54):
countless times, but for onereason or the other the wind or
the whatever it was being withDevin, I don't know, but my
brain was just flying Likethere's people out there,
there's someone coming to get us, there's, you know, like, oh,
it was weird.
The fight or flight, yeah, allthese thoughts.
(05:17):
Just your brain spins thesestories when in reality we're
just sitting there in the valley, we're just like, we're fine.
And I think it comes into playhere, especially especially when
we get in an argument.
If it can happen in a scenariolike that, it'll happen,
especially with someone that youcare about, something that is a
(05:39):
big deal to you, man, yourbrain just goes wild.
Oh, yeah, right, go ahead.
Well, I was just gonna say Ithink you know, when we're
talking about a confrontation ina relationship for me, man, I
sit there and I go well, gosh,and I've had this happen before.
(05:59):
You know, someone sayssomething and they don't intend
for it to come off this way, butit does.
And I say, well, you know, itdoesn't matter, because I don't
think they intended that way.
But then that this is theproblem.
I don't think they intended itthat way, but did they Right?
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Well, what if they did the question mark in your
head?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Yeah, the question is what starts the rabbit?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
hole Right.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
It's like they probably didn't.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
What's that Probably Like, did they?
Yeah, and then that's where Ifound the most like.
What am I trying to say?
The most fabrication of realityoccur in my own mind.
You know, what they say is onething, but then you know, and
(06:45):
especially if you don't bring itup, if you bring it up, they
might even say you know, I'll behonest, I didn't even, I didn't
even think, I didn't even thinkabout that.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Like I'm sorry, I just said I didn't even think
how it would like.
I didn't mean anything by itand it's like, oh, okay.
But then there are other timeswhere it's like, hey, when you
have a conversation then itbrings something up.
And then it's a bigger thing andyou can solve it through the
communication.
But I think what we're talkingabout here is if you can have
that conversation, if you canhave that collision instead of
just spinning stories in yourmind, then you'll avoid the
(07:17):
inevitable resentment that comesa week later when you didn't,
and a much bigger collision.
And a much bigger collision.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
So this is a good.
This is good.
This is why I love the.
You know the back and forthchemistry that we have with the
show, because it's not just mesharing random thoughts.
I love to pick your brain, Ilove to get your feedback here
as we go through it, because itjogs other things in my mind.
So you know, for the listenersout there, guys, obviously you
have different categories ofrelationships and so when we
(07:48):
start considering collisionswith people generally, they're
going to be totally different.
Like I'll have an argument withAnnie, that's totally different
.
It would have a totallydifferent feel and energy than I
might have with you as my son,or with a business partner, or
with a random dude in thegrocery store or in the parking
(08:12):
lot and we'll talk about acouple of those that have
happened, but so it's fair tosay that all the different
relationships are going toimpact the level of the
collision and the nature of thecollision.
But one thing that I'd have youconsider and this is one of my
all-time favorite quotes aroundthe subject is Reproving be
(08:34):
times with sharpness only whenfollowed by an increase in love.
I say that again, guysreproving be times with
sharpness only when followed byan increase in love.
So if we have a big collisionand argument, the only hope I
have for that being an effectivemove the ball forward is if,
(08:57):
after the collision and theargument happens, we can hug it
out, we can acknowledge ourdifferences and we can have an
increase in the love inside ofour relationship.
If we have an argument and acollision with anyone and that
doesn't happen, there's thisgiant abyss that gets created of
(09:20):
communication and it getsbigger and bigger with time.
The more time that goes inbetween that that we're not
addressing it with an increasein love, the likelihood of
resolving that issue is lowerand lower by the minute.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
And I also feel like it only adds to that conflict
Absolutely.
Because if you think about it,it's like, okay if you collide
and then there's no resolutionin that sense, or there is a
resolution but it's not followedthrough.
What you're talking about hereit's not followed through love,
it's not.
You know, you're not handlingit that way.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Then that will most likely fester into guaranteed
yeah, guaranteed it will festerInto a larger conflict later.
It blossoms in and gives themind all the latitude to bloom
it into a giant problem, right.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Whereas in the beginning it was just a problem.
That's right.
That's right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
So now, what I want to have you consider is the
value, because we've alreadyestablished early on in the show
that expansion is an obligationof God.
We are required by God toexpand to become the highest
possible version of ourselves.
What I have you consider isthat collision is a part of it
(10:36):
and that I'd have you considerthat it could be healthy if we
got good at collisions.
Now, I'm not saying you're thebigger, meaner person.
I said good at collisions.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Not the bigger scarier person, because you're
gonna have collisions in lifethat you don't choose.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
You'll have the circumstances right, and so
embracing collision as a vehicleof expansion is almost like
embracing that screaming childas an opportunity to expand your
patience.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Interesting.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Embrace a collision, going into it, becoming maybe a
heightened awareness around.
Okay, man, I'm having acollision, I'm about to have a
collision, and having aheightened level of awareness of
what could possibly be theoutcome, how could this be
positive for me?
Is this what I want?
(11:38):
Is this what I want for them?
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, I like that you do that on, because it's like
you also really consider and I'mjust thinking this as you're
saying it it's like it also issaying, well, what is this gonna
mean for them?
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Right, and so you're thinking, how is this good for
me?
But you're also thinking, howis this good for them?
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Has to be.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
It must be approached that way, because if it's not,
then it kind of contradictseverything.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
It's all about me.
I'm just fighting to get my wayall the time.
If it's all about me.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So it gives me this thought here, as I'm sitting
here thinking about this.
It's like man, what a greatopportunity to have a collision,
right, and that seems so weird.
It feels weird coming out of mymouth, right, but you probably
have some insight here.
But it's like man, I haven'tviewed it as such and in the
(12:38):
past I've always said andcommunication is so important,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Whatever relationship is,communication is important.
But now we're talking aboutwell, why?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
is it important?
Speaker 2 (12:49):
and how is it important, and I think we're
talking about a level above.
Just, you know, communicatingit's, doing it well, it's being
good.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Effective it's effective With an eye on an
outcome.
Right, Effective collision withan eye on an outcome yeah
you're not necessarily justdoing it to do it.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
You're saying I'm doing it for a certain result,
for a certain outcome thatyou're aiming towards and
hopefully.
Well, I guess the purpose ofthis is to together reach that
outcome.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yeah, yeah.
And then there's a lot ofopportunity inside of this
conversation to kind oferadicate some reactivity and
replace it with some kind ofmore strategic focus.
So reactivity, I mean, that'sone of the worst things we can
have.
Emotional reactivity tocircumstances is one of the
(13:45):
worst possible things.
Right, and so, being what I'msaying here, is getting good at
colliding with people.
I'll give you an example.
You know, we have some guysthat we work with and we're
negotiating a few things aboutstructuring a deal, and there's
(14:11):
this thing that they continue tokeep doing.
Like there's a I don't wannacall it a full blown, I don't
wanna label it as a full blownintegrity issue, but it's like
an integrity accountabilitysituation where they'll say
they're doing this thing andthen they don't do it, like hey,
we're gonna have this thing toyou in like two weeks, and then
(14:33):
two weeks comes and goes.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
There's no communication.
It's very irritating.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
My whole team is like .
My whole team is like elitelevel.
Integrity is the fabric of whatour whole company's built on
and we call each other out onthis shit Like we value each
other and love each other enoughthat we won't let that go
(14:59):
undone.
So if someone violates that,this is just a loose example but
it's irrelevant.
It's a day example, like ifthey miss their deadline and
they don't communicate it, wehave the choice to just let it
faster and be irritated withthat provider over there that's
not communicating, or we cancollide with them in a tactful
(15:20):
way with an increase in love,and try and come out of it with
a result that could increase thecohesion across our two
companies.
And we had one of theseconversations the other day and
Dave Williams, my right hand guy, senior advisor in the American
spec companies he's a Jedi andwe had this call and we had a
(15:44):
collision and it wasn't aconfrontation, it wasn't an
argument, but it was anuncomfortable bringing it up and
saying, hey, you know, this iswhat's happened.
We really have a hard timetolerating this particular
behavior.
If we're gonna be workingtogether, we really need you to
(16:05):
be clear that this is what weexpect and so flip that over to
an employee-employerrelationship.
This employee is showing uplate every day.
Well, the employer I mean thismight be, this might be a family
member employee and they'reshowing up late every day and
they're doing it because theyknow the employer is family and
(16:28):
a little nepotism there and theymight not, they don't fear a
collision.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
They do not fear a collision.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Then there's no clear line in the sand Now extreme
ownership I can takeaccountability for not conveying
clearly what I expect up frontof that employee.
So it's not really justifiedfor me as an employer to go jump
that employee and get allirritated and angry.
But there's opportunity insideof that.
(16:56):
So what I'm recommending isthere's a pattern, this
employee's showing up late.
I'm gonna address it as soon asit starts to irritate me.
We're gonna have a collision.
That means we're gonna sit down.
You and I are gonna collide faceto face and I'm gonna tell you
this is bothering me.
I can't tolerate this.
Here's why and you know whatI'll take some accountability
(17:18):
because I didn't explain that orI didn't make that clear when I
hired you.
But this is the expectationmoving forward, and then give
them a few reasons why I hiredyou in the first place Because
this and this and this and Ireally value and appreciate you,
I really want you here.
I really want this to be along-term thing.
(17:38):
I'm all about the relationshipsand I want that employee to
know that.
So the mistake or the patternthat was irritating me now
becomes an opportunity to flipon the side and use an advantage
to build a strongerrelationship.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
That is a powerful formula.
I just wanna take a second andkind of summarize that what I'm
hearing is a collision isn'tnecessarily an argument.
It can be an argument, but it'snot necessarily an argument.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
No, it's not always an argument.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And oftentimes what I'm hearing you say is,
oftentimes it's an opportunityto just express like look, we're
trying to avoid this resentment, we're trying to avoid this
huge argument later.
And I feel like what you'rekind of saying here is how to
address a problem and issuesomething that can cause a
(18:35):
relationship to be strained orthere's tension or whatever.
You're talking about a way toalleviate that and then increase
cohesion, increaseeffectiveness in the
relationship, in the businessand whatever.
And it's a pretty simple way.
I mean, it's bringing up whatis it and then you're explaining
(18:55):
hey, these are what, movingforward.
So you're saying what's theproblem?
You're saying here's thesolution to the problem and then
you're saying these are why youare amazing.
That's, it's a three stepformula right, it's like that's
pretty powerful, and I feel likethat's applicable to any
collision?
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Yeah, yes, it does, because I've had those
collisions with partners wherestuff built up and we have the
yelling, screaming, swearing youbleeping mother, bleeping bleep
.
But then we, so we get it allout and you purge your system.
You have that like release therage on your partner, whatever.
(19:36):
So not all relationships canwithstand that, but the ones
that are really powerful.
You can have that high levelviolent collision and walk out
of the room hugging each otherthrough that process.
That's the objective is to beable to get it out, avoid
resentment, be focused on anoutcome and then get to the
(19:59):
outcome.
And so the objective guys withcollision for expansion.
The reason we're dropping thewhole episode is because this is
something that I wouldrecommend is an ongoing thing.
It's an ongoing part of ourprocesses because the faster we
can get through frustrations andresentments, the better we are.
(20:20):
If things are prolonged.
And why do we procrastinate?
Because it's an uncomfortableconversation.
That's why I call it acollision.
I never wanna tell you why yousuck and you do this, and this
is pissing me off.
That's a very.
I mean when you're gettingready to have that meeting, like
your heart rates up and you'refeeling sweaty palms and you're
(20:41):
nervous, and you know no onelikes that right.
But getting good at embracingit and then doing it faster and
faster and then recoveringfaster, that's a really critical
piece of building a successfulteam and having a really
cohesive family unit is to beable to have collisions and then
(21:02):
get to that outcome quickly.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Wow, yeah, I like that a lot.
It's definitely something thatI would like to actively think
about moving forward in the dayto day.
Cause it's something that Ithink about, like I said, the
communication.
I'm like, oh, I've always saidcommunication, but this is, I
think, another level of that,and it's like you can practice
(21:26):
this daily.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yeah, you can and I wanna, on the daily because
you're saying that.
I wanna give the listeners acaveat that sometimes, until you
feel really proficient at thiscollision, this whole collision
process, sometimes it's best tosay hey, I'd like to just pause
this right now and come back tothis.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Yeah, oh, interesting , and it's critical to say when.
Hey.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I'd like to come back to this in an hour, or I'd like
to come back to this tomorrow,because if you feel like you're
gonna be triggered and you'regonna explode and you're gonna
say things you can't take backright now, it's better for you
to just push the pause buttonand ask for an extension and
then prepare your thoughts andget more logical and clear and
not let your crocodile brain,the amygdala, dictate this
(22:15):
collision Cause.
That's the negative aspect ofcolliding.
We're trying to take theemotions out of it.
That's right.
Yeah, you're trying to get to alogical, conscious,
outcome-driven conclusion andthat's why and so that's where
you can get really good withcolliding, for expansion is if
(22:36):
you can prep yourself likeyou'll get to a point where
you've got enough reps where youcan do this on the fly you can
recognize we're going in.
Okay, man, this collision'shappening.
But this is so many differentconflicts that are coming
through my head I don't evenwant to bring them all up, but,
(22:59):
man, we live in conflict.
We really do, and my ego has letme be the angry, scary one in
most conflicts over the yearsthat have been bad, that have
been negative, because and Ithink most men I mean I think
(23:20):
men listening to this show,particularly if you guys vibe
with us already you're probablyalpha males.
We have a lot of military sortsand law enforcement guys and
some tough dudes, and so I thinkthis could resonate that over
my lifespan it's mostly been mypropensity to just be violent,
(23:41):
yelling and loud and swearing,and I'm just suggesting that
through experience and a lot oftraining and therapy, this has
become a more effectivecommunication tool for me and
it's really been a value to mein building my businesses and
(24:03):
working through some seriousfamily issues.
Is this particular techniquethat we've been talking about,
guys?
So I wish today was one ofthose days we could get the
listeners to chime in with theirquestions on this, because I
think everyone's got somethoughts on it, but I've covered
(24:26):
what I wanted to cover.
I knew this would be a shorterepisode than most, but it's a
really potent, powerful tool tobe using in business building
and becoming an entrepreneur.
Do you have any thoughts beforewe wrap?
Speaker 2 (24:38):
this one, dallin, I can cover it really nicely.
For me it's been superinsightful to just have this
conversation and I think itwould be for a lot of people
listening as well.
It's like man it takes, yeah,you just gotta communicate to a
whole other level, yeah Right,and it's almost like, yeah, that
communicate that whole thatstigma, that stereotype doesn't
(25:03):
quite convey what we'reconveying here, and for me
that's just really powerful andit's something that I absolutely
want to apply and utilize and Ithink a lot of people could
find a lot of value in that.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
So I think we wrap it .
Yeah, absolutely, let's do itWell.
Thank you guys for chiming in.
We hope you'll share the show.
We hope you got some value outof it today and we'll catch you
on the next one.
Welcome back to the show, guys.
It's Wayne Aston here, withAston Incorporated, I'm your
host and I've got Dallin back instudio with me, my co-host.
How you doing today, dallin?
Speaker 2 (00:09):
doing awesome.
How about yourself?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
I'm amazing.
I loved what she said in thelast episode.
If I was doing any better, Idon't know what I'd do with
myself.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Love that, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Today we've got some great content, guys excited to
drop this concept, which we'regoing to title collision for
expansion.
Okay, we're having an argumentwith somebody at work, or we're
having an argument with our wifeor we're arguing with our kids
Okay, given some context for thelisteners.
(00:43):
How does this all apply?
Collision for expansion?
And I'd have you consider,dallin, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna
, I'm eager to hear yourreaction of this, but but,
typically speaking, as humans,we don't love a conflict like we
don't love a collision withsomeone.
(01:04):
Yeah right and and typicallywhat happens is we as humans
will Will, we'll get somenegative energy thrown our way.
There's someone's thrown alittle shade and it feels like
there could be an argument, andif we're not responding to it,
then resentment's building upand pressures building up, and
(01:25):
this is really common in theworkplace.
You know you, you have littlethings happening and pretty soon
You're ready to explode onsomeone.
And so, through lots of, lotsof different amazing therapists
and life coaches, I've been ableto, you know, get a grip on
this, this concept of collisionfor expansion.
(01:47):
In my early days and we'll saythat teens and twenties leading
into my 30s it was my objectiveto avoid an argument at all
costs.
I did not want to argue, Ididn't want to have a fight, and
so I would avoid it.
I would do all these things toavoid it, and I think most
people relate with that.
(02:08):
Oh yeah because, just becauseit's so uncomfortable.
But but what that caused for meand I can only speak for myself
is Is a situation where Iallowed resentments to build and
I allowed myself to Spinstories up in my own head,
(02:29):
stories that were largely madeup of my own thoughts about.
About Taking somethingsomeone's saying to me,
interpreting it through my ownLens of my own perspective, and
receiving it differently than itwas intended, and then, but
then, not addressing it.
(02:49):
It bothers me, I'm feelingtriggered about it, but then I
don't say anything and I don'trespond, and so I let it spin a
story and a week later I'm likeready to go nuts on this person
because I've made up this crazystory about the facts that
aren't even facts.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Isn't even true.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Okay, not even based on truth.
Could be just a small comment.
All right, let's grab your knee, jerk.
Are you thinking, have you?
I mean, obviously you'veexperienced something like that,
where someone said somethingyou kind of let it go, of course
.
You let it go and it festers.
Do you experience?
Speaker 2 (03:32):
that, by the way, I mean like?
Speaker 1 (03:34):
are you consciously, do you consciously experience
like telling yourself storiesabout things and making them
into bigger, like making amountain out of a molehill?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
That's all I have to say.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Yes, he said yes, yes , I do.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Don't tell us, you don't do that.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
You're a liar if you don't.
You're a liar if you don't.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
So okay, so we can all I think we can all probably
agree that this is a commonthing for humans.
Not only is it common to avoida conflict, but it's also common
to spin stories up in our mindsand then create circumstances
that are way exaggerated, beyondwhat they needed to be or what
(04:19):
they were factually, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
That's all I'm saying .
Well, and I think it is in morescenarios than just with
conflict.
It's with everything your mindjust spins these stories.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
We were talking the other night.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
The mind's a peculiar , it really is interesting,
right, we were just talking theother night where a little
brother went up and hiked fourhours in, backed back in and
slept up in the mountains, putup a tent and I couldn't sleep
the whole night because my mindwas just spinning it was weird.
I've camped and I've hiked andI've done all this stuff
(04:54):
countless times, but for onereason or the other the wind or
the whatever it was being withDevin, I don't know, but my
brain was just flying Likethere's people out there,
there's someone coming to get us, there's, you know, like, oh,
it was weird.
The fight or flight, yeah, allthese thoughts.
(05:17):
Just your brain spins thesestories when in reality we're
just sitting there in the valley, we're just like, we're fine.
And I think it comes into playhere, especially especially when
we get in an argument.
If it can happen in a scenariolike that, it'll happen,
especially with someone that youcare about, something that is a
(05:39):
big deal to you, man, yourbrain just goes wild.
Oh, yeah, right, go ahead.
Well, I was just gonna say Ithink you know, when we're
talking about a confrontation ina relationship for me, man, I
sit there and I go well, gosh,and I've had this happen before.
(05:59):
You know, someone sayssomething and they don't intend
for it to come off this way, butit does.
And I say, well, you know, itdoesn't matter, because I don't
think they intended that way.
But then that this is theproblem.
I don't think they intended itthat way, but did they Right?
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Well, what if they did the question mark in your
head?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Yeah, the question is what starts the rabbit?
Speaker 1 (06:20):
hole Right.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
It's like they probably didn't.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
What's that Probably Like, did they?
Yeah, and then that's where Ifound the most like.
What am I trying to say?
The most fabrication of realityoccur in my own mind.
You know, what they say is onething, but then you know, and
(06:45):
especially if you don't bring itup, if you bring it up, they
might even say you know, I'll behonest, I didn't even, I didn't
even think, I didn't even thinkabout that.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Like I'm sorry, I just said I didn't even think
how it would like.
I didn't mean anything by itand it's like, oh, okay.
But then there are other timeswhere it's like, hey, when you
have a conversation then itbrings something up.
And then it's a bigger thing andyou can solve it through the
communication.
But I think what we're talkingabout here is if you can have
that conversation, if you canhave that collision instead of
just spinning stories in yourmind, then you'll avoid the
(07:17):
inevitable resentment that comesa week later when you didn't,
and a much bigger collision.
And a much bigger collision.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
So this is a good.
This is good.
This is why I love the.
You know the back and forthchemistry that we have with the
show, because it's not just mesharing random thoughts.
I love to pick your brain, Ilove to get your feedback here
as we go through it, because itjogs other things in my mind.
So you know, for the listenersout there, guys, obviously you
have different categories ofrelationships and so when we
(07:48):
start considering collisionswith people generally, they're
going to be totally different.
Like I'll have an argument withAnnie, that's totally different
.
It would have a totallydifferent feel and energy than I
might have with you as my son,or with a business partner, or
with a random dude in thegrocery store or in the parking
(08:12):
lot and we'll talk about acouple of those that have
happened, but so it's fair tosay that all the different
relationships are going toimpact the level of the
collision and the nature of thecollision.
But one thing that I'd have youconsider and this is one of my
all-time favorite quotes aroundthe subject is Reproving be
(08:34):
times with sharpness only whenfollowed by an increase in love.
I say that again, guysreproving be times with
sharpness only when followed byan increase in love.
So if we have a big collisionand argument, the only hope I
have for that being an effectivemove the ball forward is if,
(08:57):
after the collision and theargument happens, we can hug it
out, we can acknowledge ourdifferences and we can have an
increase in the love inside ofour relationship.
If we have an argument and acollision with anyone and that
doesn't happen, there's thisgiant abyss that gets created of
(09:20):
communication and it getsbigger and bigger with time.
The more time that goes inbetween that that we're not
addressing it with an increasein love, the likelihood of
resolving that issue is lowerand lower by the minute.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
And I also feel like it only adds to that conflict
Absolutely.
Because if you think about it,it's like, okay if you collide
and then there's no resolutionin that sense, or there is a
resolution but it's not followedthrough.
What you're talking about hereit's not followed through love,
it's not.
You know, you're not handlingit that way.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Then that will most likely fester into guaranteed
yeah, guaranteed it will festerInto a larger conflict later.
It blossoms in and gives themind all the latitude to bloom
it into a giant problem, right.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Whereas in the beginning it was just a problem.
That's right.
That's right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
So now, what I want to have you consider is the
value, because we've alreadyestablished early on in the show
that expansion is an obligationof God.
We are required by God toexpand to become the highest
possible version of ourselves.
What I have you consider isthat collision is a part of it
(10:36):
and that I'd have you considerthat it could be healthy if we
got good at collisions.
Now, I'm not saying you're thebigger, meaner person.
I said good at collisions.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Not the bigger scarier person, because you're
gonna have collisions in lifethat you don't choose.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
You'll have the circumstances right, and so
embracing collision as a vehicleof expansion is almost like
embracing that screaming childas an opportunity to expand your
patience.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Interesting.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Embrace a collision, going into it, becoming maybe a
heightened awareness around.
Okay, man, I'm having acollision, I'm about to have a
collision, and having aheightened level of awareness of
what could possibly be theoutcome, how could this be
positive for me?
Is this what I want?
(11:38):
Is this what I want for them?
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, I like that you do that on, because it's like
you also really consider and I'mjust thinking this as you're
saying it it's like it also issaying, well, what is this gonna
mean for them?
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Right, and so you're thinking, how is this good for
me?
But you're also thinking, howis this good for them?
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Has to be.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
It must be approached that way, because if it's not,
then it kind of contradictseverything.
Speaker 1 (12:09):
It's all about me.
I'm just fighting to get my wayall the time.
If it's all about me.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So it gives me this thought here, as I'm sitting
here thinking about this.
It's like man, what a greatopportunity to have a collision,
right, and that seems so weird.
It feels weird coming out of mymouth, right, but you probably
have some insight here.
But it's like man, I haven'tviewed it as such and in the
(12:38):
past I've always said andcommunication is so important,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Whatever relationship is,communication is important.
But now we're talking aboutwell, why?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
is it important?
Speaker 2 (12:49):
and how is it important, and I think we're
talking about a level above.
Just, you know, communicatingit's, doing it well, it's being
good.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Effective it's effective With an eye on an
outcome.
Right, Effective collision withan eye on an outcome yeah
you're not necessarily justdoing it to do it.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
You're saying I'm doing it for a certain result,
for a certain outcome thatyou're aiming towards and
hopefully.
Well, I guess the purpose ofthis is to together reach that
outcome.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yeah, yeah.
And then there's a lot ofopportunity inside of this
conversation to kind oferadicate some reactivity and
replace it with some kind ofmore strategic focus.
So reactivity, I mean, that'sone of the worst things we can
have.
Emotional reactivity tocircumstances is one of the
(13:45):
worst possible things.
Right, and so, being what I'msaying here, is getting good at
colliding with people.
I'll give you an example.
You know, we have some guysthat we work with and we're
negotiating a few things aboutstructuring a deal, and there's
(14:11):
this thing that they continue tokeep doing.
Like there's a I don't wannacall it a full blown, I don't
wanna label it as a full blownintegrity issue, but it's like
an integrity accountabilitysituation where they'll say
they're doing this thing andthen they don't do it, like hey,
we're gonna have this thing toyou in like two weeks, and then
(14:33):
two weeks comes and goes.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
There's no communication.
It's very irritating.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
My whole team is like .
My whole team is like elitelevel.
Integrity is the fabric of whatour whole company's built on
and we call each other out onthis shit Like we value each
other and love each other enoughthat we won't let that go
(14:59):
undone.
So if someone violates that,this is just a loose example but
it's irrelevant.
It's a day example, like ifthey miss their deadline and
they don't communicate it, wehave the choice to just let it
faster and be irritated withthat provider over there that's
not communicating, or we cancollide with them in a tactful
(15:20):
way with an increase in love,and try and come out of it with
a result that could increase thecohesion across our two
companies.
And we had one of theseconversations the other day and
Dave Williams, my right hand guy, senior advisor in the American
spec companies he's a Jedi andwe had this call and we had a
(15:44):
collision and it wasn't aconfrontation, it wasn't an
argument, but it was anuncomfortable bringing it up and
saying, hey, you know, this iswhat's happened.
We really have a hard timetolerating this particular
behavior.
If we're gonna be workingtogether, we really need you to
(16:05):
be clear that this is what weexpect and so flip that over to
an employee-employerrelationship.
This employee is showing uplate every day.
Well, the employer I mean thismight be, this might be a family
member employee and they'reshowing up late every day and
they're doing it because theyknow the employer is family and
(16:28):
a little nepotism there and theymight not, they don't fear a
collision.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
They do not fear a collision.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Then there's no clear line in the sand Now extreme
ownership I can takeaccountability for not conveying
clearly what I expect up frontof that employee.
So it's not really justifiedfor me as an employer to go jump
that employee and get allirritated and angry.
But there's opportunity insideof that.
(16:56):
So what I'm recommending isthere's a pattern, this
employee's showing up late.
I'm gonna address it as soon asit starts to irritate me.
We're gonna have a collision.
That means we're gonna sit down.
You and I are gonna collide faceto face and I'm gonna tell you
this is bothering me.
I can't tolerate this.
Here's why and you know whatI'll take some accountability
(17:18):
because I didn't explain that orI didn't make that clear when I
hired you.
But this is the expectationmoving forward, and then give
them a few reasons why I hiredyou in the first place Because
this and this and this and Ireally value and appreciate you,
I really want you here.
I really want this to be along-term thing.
(17:38):
I'm all about the relationshipsand I want that employee to
know that.
So the mistake or the patternthat was irritating me now
becomes an opportunity to flipon the side and use an advantage
to build a strongerrelationship.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
That is a powerful formula.
I just wanna take a second andkind of summarize that what I'm
hearing is a collision isn'tnecessarily an argument.
It can be an argument, but it'snot necessarily an argument.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
No, it's not always an argument.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And oftentimes what I'm hearing you say is,
oftentimes it's an opportunityto just express like look, we're
trying to avoid this resentment, we're trying to avoid this
huge argument later.
And I feel like what you'rekind of saying here is how to
address a problem and issuesomething that can cause a
(18:35):
relationship to be strained orthere's tension or whatever.
You're talking about a way toalleviate that and then increase
cohesion, increaseeffectiveness in the
relationship, in the businessand whatever.
And it's a pretty simple way.
I mean, it's bringing up whatis it and then you're explaining
(18:55):
hey, these are what, movingforward.
So you're saying what's theproblem?
You're saying here's thesolution to the problem and then
you're saying these are why youare amazing.
That's, it's a three stepformula right, it's like that's
pretty powerful, and I feel likethat's applicable to any
collision?
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Yeah, yes, it does, because I've had those
collisions with partners wherestuff built up and we have the
yelling, screaming, swearing youbleeping mother, bleeping bleep
.
But then we, so we get it allout and you purge your system.
You have that like release therage on your partner, whatever.
(19:36):
So not all relationships canwithstand that, but the ones
that are really powerful.
You can have that high levelviolent collision and walk out
of the room hugging each otherthrough that process.
That's the objective is to beable to get it out, avoid
resentment, be focused on anoutcome and then get to the
(19:59):
outcome.
And so the objective guys withcollision for expansion.
The reason we're dropping thewhole episode is because this is
something that I wouldrecommend is an ongoing thing.
It's an ongoing part of ourprocesses because the faster we
can get through frustrations andresentments, the better we are.
(20:20):
If things are prolonged.
And why do we procrastinate?
Because it's an uncomfortableconversation.
That's why I call it acollision.
I never wanna tell you why yousuck and you do this, and this
is pissing me off.
That's a very.
I mean when you're gettingready to have that meeting, like
your heart rates up and you'refeeling sweaty palms and you're
(20:41):
nervous, and you know no onelikes that right.
But getting good at embracingit and then doing it faster and
faster and then recoveringfaster, that's a really critical
piece of building a successfulteam and having a really
cohesive family unit is to beable to have collisions and then
(21:02):
get to that outcome quickly.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Wow, yeah, I like that a lot.
It's definitely something thatI would like to actively think
about moving forward in the dayto day.
Cause it's something that Ithink about, like I said, the
communication.
I'm like, oh, I've always saidcommunication, but this is, I
think, another level of that,and it's like you can practice
(21:26):
this daily.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yeah, you can and I wanna, on the daily because
you're saying that.
I wanna give the listeners acaveat that sometimes, until you
feel really proficient at thiscollision, this whole collision
process, sometimes it's best tosay hey, I'd like to just pause
this right now and come back tothis.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Yeah, oh, interesting , and it's critical to say when.
Hey.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I'd like to come back to this in an hour, or I'd like
to come back to this tomorrow,because if you feel like you're
gonna be triggered and you'regonna explode and you're gonna
say things you can't take backright now, it's better for you
to just push the pause buttonand ask for an extension and
then prepare your thoughts andget more logical and clear and
not let your crocodile brain,the amygdala, dictate this
(22:15):
collision Cause.
That's the negative aspect ofcolliding.
We're trying to take theemotions out of it.
That's right.
Yeah, you're trying to get to alogical, conscious,
outcome-driven conclusion andthat's why and so that's where
you can get really good withcolliding, for expansion is if
(22:36):
you can prep yourself likeyou'll get to a point where
you've got enough reps where youcan do this on the fly you can
recognize we're going in.
Okay, man, this collision'shappening.
But this is so many differentconflicts that are coming
through my head I don't evenwant to bring them all up, but,
(22:59):
man, we live in conflict.
We really do, and my ego has letme be the angry, scary one in
most conflicts over the yearsthat have been bad, that have
been negative, because and Ithink most men I mean I think
(23:20):
men listening to this show,particularly if you guys vibe
with us already you're probablyalpha males.
We have a lot of military sortsand law enforcement guys and
some tough dudes, and so I thinkthis could resonate that over
my lifespan it's mostly been mypropensity to just be violent,
(23:41):
yelling and loud and swearing,and I'm just suggesting that
through experience and a lot oftraining and therapy, this has
become a more effectivecommunication tool for me and
it's really been a value to mein building my businesses and
(24:03):
working through some seriousfamily issues.
Is this particular techniquethat we've been talking about,
guys?
So I wish today was one ofthose days we could get the
listeners to chime in with theirquestions on this, because I
think everyone's got somethoughts on it, but I've covered
(24:26):
what I wanted to cover.
I knew this would be a shorterepisode than most, but it's a
really potent, powerful tool tobe using in business building
and becoming an entrepreneur.
Do you have any thoughts beforewe wrap?
Speaker 2 (24:38):
this one, dallin, I can cover it really nicely.
For me it's been superinsightful to just have this
conversation and I think itwould be for a lot of people
listening as well.
It's like man it takes, yeah,you just gotta communicate to a
whole other level, yeah Right,and it's almost like, yeah, that
communicate that whole thatstigma, that stereotype doesn't
(25:03):
quite convey what we'reconveying here, and for me
that's just really powerful andit's something that I absolutely
want to apply and utilize and Ithink a lot of people could
find a lot of value in that.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
So I think we wrap it .
Yeah, absolutely, let's do itWell.
Thank you guys for chiming in.
We hope you'll share the show.
We hope you got some value outof it today and we'll catch you
on the next one.
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