May 15, 2024 ā¢ 12 mins
Navigating the stormy seas of co-parenting with a toxic ex can feel like an insurmountable task. Yet, it's a journey many must face, and I'm no stranger to it myself. My personal experiences have taught me the value of setting unyielding boundaries and honing in on the needs of the children caught in the middle. This episode unpacks the toolkit necessary for dealing with a difficult ex while keeping your children's best interests at the forefront. I'lll share strategies for clear, written communication that serves as both a beacon of clarity and a shield in potential legal battles, ensuring that your child's environment is imbued with love and stability above all else.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 0 (00:00):
How to co-parent effectively within Toxic Ex.
Also, if you guys love contentabout self-improvement, personal
development, self-love tips,relationships, friendship,
spirituality, like and commentmy videos, this is how you could
really co-parent within ToxicEx.
Number one is that you guys gotto really accept that the
breakup is over, make peace withthe relationship that it is
(00:24):
over, accept that you guys arenot together and you don't want
to get back together, and alsoaccept that this is in the best
interest of yeah, kids.
So if you guys have more thanone kid together, or even one
child I have one daughter I'mgonna speak more of my
experience but if you guys gotkids together, accept and make
(00:44):
peace that it is in the bestinterest for you, for your ex
and the kids, and establishboundaries.
So this is exactly what I mean.
Things didn't work out and Iknow you wanted this happy
family with your kids and thingsdon't always go the way that we
planned.
So you have to prioritize yourkids having a peace, safety and
(01:06):
loving home, even if you guysare not together.
You guys are separately,parenting your kids differently,
because if you stay withsomeone, that is toxic, that is
not good for you.
If you guys are living in ahome and it's too much arguing,
it's too much negativity, it'stoo much drama, the it's too
much drama, the home is alreadybroken.
So understand that if you guysbreak up and it is best for you,
(01:28):
it is best for the person, itis best for your kids that's
giving your kids a better homeand a peaceful home and a loving
home than for your kids to growup and seeing two parents that
don't get along, that don't loveeach other, that probably don't
even like each other, thatprobably hate each other.
They're always arguing.
The best thing that you can dofor you, for your ex and for
(01:48):
your kids, it's just so muchpeace along the way and
definitely establish boundaries,which is number two.
You got to communicateeffectively, and this is exactly
what I mean by that.
So when me and my ex, when webroke up, I made everything
about my daughter.
If it's not about my daughter,I don't care.
I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to know what'sgoing on in your life.
I know what's going on in your,in your life.
I don't care what's going on inyour personal life.
(02:08):
I don't care what you've beenthrough at work.
I don't care what you waswearing like that's how it is
for me, that's what works for me, because when I broke up with
my ex, when I walked away, Iestablished clear boundaries
with him and he just had torespect it.
He just had to accept it.
And now me and him, we are in away better place.
We get along so well.
But you have to establishboundaries.
(02:30):
Your ex should not be knowingwhere was you last night, who
you hanging out with, who areyour friends, what you was
wearing, what you're doingday-to-day life like your ex
should not be in your personalbusiness.
Make sure you guys are texting,make sure everything is written
.
If you can't text with yourperson, then email your ex.
Email your ex like listen,you're gonnaups.
Drop-offs are at this time, atthis location.
(02:52):
If your child is having an eventlike a graduation or a birthday
party, tell them be at thisgraduation at this time.
If you want to do birthdayparties together, tell your ex
like, listen, we could do abirthday party together.
But let's keep it veryrespectful, bring in good energy
and let's make this about mychild.
As long as you guys make therelationship, the co-parenting
(03:14):
situation, about your kids,there should be no drama If both
of y'all are in the samealignment and you guys have the
same goal of just raising andparenting your kids in a good,
loving situation, seeing bothparties happy Mutually.
Both parties are respectingeach other, putting your child
first.
Because you guys have to putyour child first, there should
(03:36):
not be no drama.
But if this person is very toxic, text them.
Text them very effectively andkeep records.
Keep receipts because just incase this person does some crazy
things, like they'redisrespecting you, they wanna
argue with you in front of yourkids.
Have it recorded, have yourreceipts, just in case you take
this person to court.
You know the courts are on yourside because you have enough
(03:59):
proof, you have enough evidencethat you are obviously the more
mature person.
You're doing everything thatyou got to do in the best
interest of your child and thisperson is obviously not grown
enough, not mature enough.
So if anything happens, thingswill work out in your favor.
But if you guys are broken upand this person is toxic, you
gotta limit the contact, likeyou guys gotta keep things
(04:21):
literally about your kids.
I cannot stand when um peopleask me for my, for my advice,
like, oh, how can I co-parentwith an ex?
And I know women that do this.
They stay telling their exeslike, oh, I was at a party last
night, I was doing this.
Like that's why some situationsbecome so toxic, because, yeah,
there's gonna be feelingsinvolved.
(04:42):
If you guys just broken up, orwhy are you telling your ex your
personal business?
Stop, keep your personalbusiness out of it.
Try to keep your feelings andemotions out of it and make it
about the child.
Like, at the end of the day,the kids feel energy, you know,
and the kids are already goingto experience that type of loss
of what it's like not to havemom and dad living together
(05:02):
under one roof.
So when you guys part ways,make sure that your kids are
still feeling loved, they'restill feeling protected and
they're still feeling some kindof peace.
Like, yeah, mom and dad may notbe together, but there's
respect, they both love meequally.
They both do what is best forme.
Like that's what you want yourkids to feel.
Do not be telling your ex aboutyour business who you dating,
(05:24):
you know who was you with Likethat's none of their business.
It has to be strictly about thekids.
And let me tell you something,especially if you guys are
co-parenting with narcissistsnarcissists love drama.
Like they love it, they thriveon it, like they are addicted to
the drama.
If you literally keep it aboutyour kids and you keep it very
(05:45):
limited, you're having aprofessional conversation at
this point, like, hey, pick upmy child at this time, my
daughter needs this, my childneeds this.
Keep it very professional, butkeep it very minimum.
You know what I use.
I use AI to write the text forme.
Like I have this AI app and ifI'm really frustrated or if I'm
really angry, I would text how Ireally feel.
(06:07):
I would have AI write it for meprofessionally and I would send
that to my ex and I would justkeep it very, um, respectable,
very cool because, just in case,you don't know if that person
is going to take you to court.
So always keep it very minimum,but always keep it very
professional and get to thepoint and say what you have to
say and say it in the mostrespectfulest way, because you
(06:28):
never know if they're going totake it to court.
They're going to take it to ajudge.
You just never know.
But get your feelings out of it.
Keep this about your kids.
Your kids come first.
It's not about you, it's notabout your ex anymore.
It's about your kids, and youwant to make sure your kids are
being raised with two peoplethat may not be together, but
they're happier separately andthey're doing what they gotta do
to put the kids first.
(06:49):
That's what it's all about.
The thing about narcissists isthat once you do not give them
that energy that they wantbecause they love drama, they
love that toxicity eventuallythey're gonna fall off, they're
gonna become weak and they'regonna give up.
If you keep it very minimum, youkeep it strict, keep it like
the sentences are short.
If they text you like how's mydaughter doing?
(07:09):
She's good, did she eat today?
Yes, keep it very minimum.
Don't go to the extreme Like,oh, this is what happened.
And then this is like, yeah,doing too much, yeah, doing way
too much.
And then, yeah, giving thesepeople more access to you and to
your life.
And then this is when feelingsand emotions keep being more
involved because, yeah, doingtoo much.
Just keep it very simple, keepit very short.
If it's an an emergency, thenyou call them and if you cannot
(07:32):
co-parent with a toxic exbecause they're so immature,
have another third partyinvolved, like have a family
member.
Usually, when I, when I brokeup with my ex and I had to drop
off my daughter or whatever Ihad my sister do it when she was
with me.
I'm like, can you just drop heroff here and can you just pick
her up for me please?
I made it like that, like theless contact the better,
especially if this person is anarcissist, because it's
(07:55):
something about them getting youmad and something about them
getting a rise out of you.
It's like their joy, it's liketheir happiness, it's like their
christmas.
So keep it very minimum and ifyou guys have to go to mediation
, you know, speak with anattorney, speak with a judge, so
that both co-parentingsituation can be stable, can be
(08:15):
peaceful, then do that, do whatyou gotta do, but keep receipts.
If this person is not showingup, if this person is very
disrespectful to you, if thisperson is calling you out of
your name, especially on thephone, record it.
Record it just in case yougotta go to court.
You gotta fight for your rightsand you gotta do what you gotta
do for you and your kids, thendo it.
Don't let this narcissist, don'tlet this toxic person control
(08:38):
your life.
It's so many people that bebreaking up with the parents of
their kids and they let thatparent of their kids have so
much control and so much powerover them, especially women,
because we do most of the work,we do all the work.
Don't let your exes have somuch power over you.
Where you're not happy, whereyou're not thriving, where
(08:58):
you're not doing what you wantto do for you, for your kids, do
not let your ex have thiscontrol over you because that's
what they want.
Oh, ladies, if you're listeningand I'm not saying all men is
like this, because a lot of menare not like this but, ladies, a
lot of your exes they get youknocked up, they give you kids
because they want to trap you.
They want to trap you and theywant to have control over you.
Do not let them do this.
This is where the gray rockmethod especially dealing with
(09:21):
someone so immature he gotnarcissist tendencies.
Keep it about your kids.
Don't be like oh yeah, we'redoing this today.
You know we're going to a partylater, you know we're going to
go hang.
Don't do that.
Just keep it about your kids.
Our kid is fine, I'm takingthem out, that's it.
(09:42):
Keep it very simple, nothingmore.
You don't gotta do the most,because I I know what it's like
to co-parent with someone verychildish and I use this method
on this person.
I literally just kept thingsabout my child and that matured
my ex more like that, made himrealize like, oh shit, she's not
playing like, she's not doingthese games with me.
But if you're dealing withsomeone that's literally
immature, so corny to even havea child with, that's when you're
(10:04):
gonna have to go to court andyou're gonna have to show them
proof, you're gonna have to showthem evidence so that things
can go into your favor.
I think what I really want tosay especially to women, you
know, and men too is that justbecause you have a baby with
someone does not mean especiallysomeone that is like a piece of
crap, does not mean that yourlife got to be a piece of crap,
(10:25):
does not mean that your lifehave to be miserable.
Your life have to be.
Your life has to end becausethis person has so much power
over you, because they have achild with you.
Listen, there's courts for that, there's judges for that,
there's having limited,restricted communication,
there's having boundaries forthat.
Do not let this person win overyour life just because you are
(10:47):
not with them anymore, and I seethis happening so many times.
I see people having kids withthe wrong person and then
they're like, oh, my life is somessed up because of this and
that, no, your life is notmessed up.
You gotta do this correctly.
You gotta do this effectively.
You gotta do this strategically.
But you also got to put yourkids first.
You got to do what is best foryour kids.
You got to do what is best foryour mental health, your mental
(11:09):
peace, because if you are notright as a mother and as a
father, if your mental health isnot right, you're not going to
show up in the best way for yourkids.
You're not going to show up inthe best way for yourself.
Don't let this person mess upyour life just because you have
a child with them.
There's other ways that you cango about this.
I don't always suggest going tocourt, but if it's really bad
(11:31):
and it's really out of yourcontrol and it's really messing
up your peace and your child'ssafety, then you have to go to
court and show them evidence.
But other than that, if youcould really sit down with this
person, like down with them andbe like listen, I don't want you
, I don't want to deal with youlike that.
Let's just keep this about mykid.
Let's have that respectful,let's have that mutual agreement
(11:51):
that it's not about us anymore,it's about our child and what
is best for our kid.
You can't grow up.
If you can't get it right, thenI'm gonna take you to court.
Just be real, you know.
Be honest with them, be sternabout how you feel and do not
let your exes mess up your peaceand your kids.
Peace, and that's all I'm gonnasay.
So I hope this, I hope this canhelp at least one of y'all out,
(12:13):
some of y'all out, all of y'allout.
But if it did, please like,comment and subscribe and I'll
be back for more videos, videos.
How to co-parent effectively within Toxic Ex.
Also, if you guys love contentabout self-improvement, personal
development, self-love tips,relationships, friendship,
spirituality, like and commentmy videos, this is how you could
really co-parent within ToxicEx.
Number one is that you guys gotto really accept that the
breakup is over, make peace withthe relationship that it is
(00:24):
over, accept that you guys arenot together and you don't want
to get back together, and alsoaccept that this is in the best
interest of yeah, kids.
So if you guys have more thanone kid together, or even one
child I have one daughter I'mgonna speak more of my
experience but if you guys gotkids together, accept and make
(00:44):
peace that it is in the bestinterest for you, for your ex
and the kids, and establishboundaries.
So this is exactly what I mean.
Things didn't work out and Iknow you wanted this happy
family with your kids and thingsdon't always go the way that we
planned.
So you have to prioritize yourkids having a peace, safety and
(01:06):
loving home, even if you guysare not together.
You guys are separately,parenting your kids differently,
because if you stay withsomeone, that is toxic, that is
not good for you.
If you guys are living in ahome and it's too much arguing,
it's too much negativity, it'stoo much drama, the it's too
much drama, the home is alreadybroken.
So understand that if you guysbreak up and it is best for you,
(01:28):
it is best for the person, itis best for your kids that's
giving your kids a better homeand a peaceful home and a loving
home than for your kids to growup and seeing two parents that
don't get along, that don't loveeach other, that probably don't
even like each other, thatprobably hate each other.
They're always arguing.
The best thing that you can dofor you, for your ex and for
(01:48):
your kids, it's just so muchpeace along the way and
definitely establish boundaries,which is number two.
You got to communicateeffectively, and this is exactly
what I mean by that.
So when me and my ex, when webroke up, I made everything
about my daughter.
If it's not about my daughter,I don't care.
I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to know what'sgoing on in your life.
I know what's going on in your,in your life.
I don't care what's going on inyour personal life.
(02:08):
I don't care what you've beenthrough at work.
I don't care what you waswearing like that's how it is
for me, that's what works for me, because when I broke up with
my ex, when I walked away, Iestablished clear boundaries
with him and he just had torespect it.
He just had to accept it.
And now me and him, we are in away better place.
We get along so well.
But you have to establishboundaries.
(02:30):
Your ex should not be knowingwhere was you last night, who
you hanging out with, who areyour friends, what you was
wearing, what you're doingday-to-day life like your ex
should not be in your personalbusiness.
Make sure you guys are texting,make sure everything is written
.
If you can't text with yourperson, then email your ex.
Email your ex like listen,you're gonnaups.
Drop-offs are at this time, atthis location.
(02:52):
If your child is having an eventlike a graduation or a birthday
party, tell them be at thisgraduation at this time.
If you want to do birthdayparties together, tell your ex
like, listen, we could do abirthday party together.
But let's keep it veryrespectful, bring in good energy
and let's make this about mychild.
As long as you guys make therelationship, the co-parenting
(03:14):
situation, about your kids,there should be no drama If both
of y'all are in the samealignment and you guys have the
same goal of just raising andparenting your kids in a good,
loving situation, seeing bothparties happy Mutually.
Both parties are respectingeach other, putting your child
first.
Because you guys have to putyour child first, there should
(03:36):
not be no drama.
But if this person is very toxic, text them.
Text them very effectively andkeep records.
Keep receipts because just incase this person does some crazy
things, like they'redisrespecting you, they wanna
argue with you in front of yourkids.
Have it recorded, have yourreceipts, just in case you take
this person to court.
You know the courts are on yourside because you have enough
(03:59):
proof, you have enough evidencethat you are obviously the more
mature person.
You're doing everything thatyou got to do in the best
interest of your child and thisperson is obviously not grown
enough, not mature enough.
So if anything happens, thingswill work out in your favor.
But if you guys are broken upand this person is toxic, you
gotta limit the contact, likeyou guys gotta keep things
(04:21):
literally about your kids.
I cannot stand when um peopleask me for my, for my advice,
like, oh, how can I co-parentwith an ex?
And I know women that do this.
They stay telling their exeslike, oh, I was at a party last
night, I was doing this.
Like that's why some situationsbecome so toxic, because, yeah,
there's gonna be feelingsinvolved.
(04:42):
If you guys just broken up, orwhy are you telling your ex your
personal business?
Stop, keep your personalbusiness out of it.
Try to keep your feelings andemotions out of it and make it
about the child.
Like, at the end of the day,the kids feel energy, you know,
and the kids are already goingto experience that type of loss
of what it's like not to havemom and dad living together
(05:02):
under one roof.
So when you guys part ways,make sure that your kids are
still feeling loved, they'restill feeling protected and
they're still feeling some kindof peace.
Like, yeah, mom and dad may notbe together, but there's
respect, they both love meequally.
They both do what is best forme.
Like that's what you want yourkids to feel.
Do not be telling your ex aboutyour business who you dating,
(05:24):
you know who was you with Likethat's none of their business.
It has to be strictly about thekids.
And let me tell you something,especially if you guys are
co-parenting with narcissistsnarcissists love drama.
Like they love it, they thriveon it, like they are addicted to
the drama.
If you literally keep it aboutyour kids and you keep it very
(05:45):
limited, you're having aprofessional conversation at
this point, like, hey, pick upmy child at this time, my
daughter needs this, my childneeds this.
Keep it very professional, butkeep it very minimum.
You know what I use.
I use AI to write the text forme.
Like I have this AI app and ifI'm really frustrated or if I'm
really angry, I would text how Ireally feel.
(06:07):
I would have AI write it for meprofessionally and I would send
that to my ex and I would justkeep it very, um, respectable,
very cool because, just in case,you don't know if that person
is going to take you to court.
So always keep it very minimum,but always keep it very
professional and get to thepoint and say what you have to
say and say it in the mostrespectfulest way, because you
(06:28):
never know if they're going totake it to court.
They're going to take it to ajudge.
You just never know.
But get your feelings out of it.
Keep this about your kids.
Your kids come first.
It's not about you, it's notabout your ex anymore.
It's about your kids, and youwant to make sure your kids are
being raised with two peoplethat may not be together, but
they're happier separately andthey're doing what they gotta do
to put the kids first.
(06:49):
That's what it's all about.
The thing about narcissists isthat once you do not give them
that energy that they wantbecause they love drama, they
love that toxicity eventuallythey're gonna fall off, they're
gonna become weak and they'regonna give up.
If you keep it very minimum, youkeep it strict, keep it like
the sentences are short.
If they text you like how's mydaughter doing?
(07:09):
She's good, did she eat today?
Yes, keep it very minimum.
Don't go to the extreme Like,oh, this is what happened.
And then this is like, yeah,doing too much, yeah, doing way
too much.
And then, yeah, giving thesepeople more access to you and to
your life.
And then this is when feelingsand emotions keep being more
involved because, yeah, doingtoo much.
Just keep it very simple, keepit very short.
If it's an an emergency, thenyou call them and if you cannot
(07:32):
co-parent with a toxic exbecause they're so immature,
have another third partyinvolved, like have a family
member.
Usually, when I, when I brokeup with my ex and I had to drop
off my daughter or whatever Ihad my sister do it when she was
with me.
I'm like, can you just drop heroff here and can you just pick
her up for me please?
I made it like that, like theless contact the better,
especially if this person is anarcissist, because it's
(07:55):
something about them getting youmad and something about them
getting a rise out of you.
It's like their joy, it's liketheir happiness, it's like their
christmas.
So keep it very minimum and ifyou guys have to go to mediation
, you know, speak with anattorney, speak with a judge, so
that both co-parentingsituation can be stable, can be
(08:15):
peaceful, then do that, do whatyou gotta do, but keep receipts.
If this person is not showingup, if this person is very
disrespectful to you, if thisperson is calling you out of
your name, especially on thephone, record it.
Record it just in case yougotta go to court.
You gotta fight for your rightsand you gotta do what you gotta
do for you and your kids, thendo it.
Don't let this narcissist, don'tlet this toxic person control
(08:38):
your life.
It's so many people that bebreaking up with the parents of
their kids and they let thatparent of their kids have so
much control and so much powerover them, especially women,
because we do most of the work,we do all the work.
Don't let your exes have somuch power over you.
Where you're not happy, whereyou're not thriving, where
(08:58):
you're not doing what you wantto do for you, for your kids, do
not let your ex have thiscontrol over you because that's
what they want.
Oh, ladies, if you're listeningand I'm not saying all men is
like this, because a lot of menare not like this but, ladies, a
lot of your exes they get youknocked up, they give you kids
because they want to trap you.
They want to trap you and theywant to have control over you.
Do not let them do this.
This is where the gray rockmethod especially dealing with
(09:21):
someone so immature he gotnarcissist tendencies.
Keep it about your kids.
Don't be like oh yeah, we'redoing this today.
You know we're going to a partylater, you know we're going to
go hang.
Don't do that.
Just keep it about your kids.
Our kid is fine, I'm takingthem out, that's it.
(09:42):
Keep it very simple, nothingmore.
You don't gotta do the most,because I I know what it's like
to co-parent with someone verychildish and I use this method
on this person.
I literally just kept thingsabout my child and that matured
my ex more like that, made himrealize like, oh shit, she's not
playing like, she's not doingthese games with me.
But if you're dealing withsomeone that's literally
immature, so corny to even havea child with, that's when you're
(10:04):
gonna have to go to court andyou're gonna have to show them
proof, you're gonna have to showthem evidence so that things
can go into your favor.
I think what I really want tosay especially to women, you
know, and men too is that justbecause you have a baby with
someone does not mean especiallysomeone that is like a piece of
crap, does not mean that yourlife got to be a piece of crap,
(10:25):
does not mean that your lifehave to be miserable.
Your life have to be.
Your life has to end becausethis person has so much power
over you, because they have achild with you.
Listen, there's courts for that, there's judges for that,
there's having limited,restricted communication,
there's having boundaries forthat.
Do not let this person win overyour life just because you are
(10:47):
not with them anymore, and I seethis happening so many times.
I see people having kids withthe wrong person and then
they're like, oh, my life is somessed up because of this and
that, no, your life is notmessed up.
You gotta do this correctly.
You gotta do this effectively.
You gotta do this strategically.
But you also got to put yourkids first.
You got to do what is best foryour kids.
You got to do what is best foryour mental health, your mental
(11:09):
peace, because if you are notright as a mother and as a
father, if your mental health isnot right, you're not going to
show up in the best way for yourkids.
You're not going to show up inthe best way for yourself.
Don't let this person mess upyour life just because you have
a child with them.
There's other ways that you cango about this.
I don't always suggest going tocourt, but if it's really bad
(11:31):
and it's really out of yourcontrol and it's really messing
up your peace and your child'ssafety, then you have to go to
court and show them evidence.
But other than that, if youcould really sit down with this
person, like down with them andbe like listen, I don't want you
, I don't want to deal with youlike that.
Let's just keep this about mykid.
Let's have that respectful,let's have that mutual agreement
(11:51):
that it's not about us anymore,it's about our child and what
is best for our kid.
You can't grow up.
If you can't get it right, thenI'm gonna take you to court.
Just be real, you know.
Be honest with them, be sternabout how you feel and do not
let your exes mess up your peaceand your kids.
Peace, and that's all I'm gonnasay.
So I hope this, I hope this canhelp at least one of y'all out,
(12:13):
some of y'all out, all of y'allout.
But if it did, please like,comment and subscribe and I'll
be back for more videos, videos.
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