July 21, 2024 ā¢ 8 mins
Ever felt more like a parent than a partner in your relationship? Trust me, you're not alone. I once dated a man whose hectic schedule left me constantly pleading for quality time, only to be met with half-hearted efforts and shallow gestures. This episode tackles the telltale signs that you may be raising your partner instead of dating them. Ill explore the frustration of having to guide someone on how to be a better partner, from their lack of emotional intelligence to their inability to engage in meaningful conversations. It's an emotionally taxing experience, and recognizing these red flags early can save you from wasting your time and energy on an unfulfilling relationship.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
I'm so sorry that I have been gone for a while.
I have not been uploadingcontent.
I've been so distracted withreal life, with being a mom.
So I've been dating this guyguys and I really really like
this guy.
I really really liked him.
I had to call it quits becauseI realized while I was dating
him I felt like I was kind ofraising him.
So these are like the biggestsigns, sis, that you're raising
(00:24):
him instead of dating him.
So what I mean is thatbasically, while you're dating
this person, you're kind ofraising them at the same time.
To be who you want them to be,you need to let him go,
especially if you're raising him.
And the sign number one is thatyou're constantly telling him
what to do, how to do it and howdo you expect it to be done.
You're basically raising him.
(00:44):
So how to do it and how do youexpect it to be done?
You're basically raising him.
So when I was dating this guy,what I've noticed is that I
would have to tell him like, hey, can you prioritize me because
he has such a busy, busy workschedule.
So I would be like, hey, canyou prioritize me?
Can you at least call me more?
Can you at least reach out more?
So I don't feel like I'm givingyou my all and he would tell me
like, hey, I'm doing the bestthat I can, like I'm reaching
out to you, I'm prioritizing you, but you gotta understand I'm
(01:07):
really really busy.
I have this really crazy workschedule.
I would constantly have to tellthe guy that I was dating to
basically call me more, reachout to me more.
I will have to tell him hey, Ireally appreciate when men be
like how are you?
How you feeling?
Things like that.
I will have to tell him what todo.
And it was such a turn offbecause I would tell him and
he's like I'm doing everythingfor you, I'm doing the best that
(01:29):
I can, you know, basically,love bombing me.
Like I would call it quits withhim, and he would come back
trying to chase me, beg for me.
Basically, love bomb me.
And it would go back to thesame thing and I would tell him
I'm like, I feel like I'mraising, I feel like I'm telling
you to be what I want, how Iwant you to be, and he just
couldn't get it right.
At least for me he could notget it right.
(01:50):
So if you're dating someone, orif you're in a relationship with
someone and you're constantlytelling them what to do,
consistently, and things are notchanging, things are not
progressively getting better inthe relationship, that's kind of
a sign that you are raising himbecause, ladies, a real man is
going to understand what to dowithout it being said.
What's understood don't got tobe explained, ladies.
(02:11):
So if you're constantly tellinghim or you're nagging to him or
you're complaining to him oryou're kind of begging him,
forcing him, pleading him like,hey, can you do this for me?
Can you do this?
Can you do that?
Be more of a man, put in moreeffort, you know, show up more
consistency.
You're not really dating himbecause you're kind of raising
him.
You're kind of already tellinghim what to do, you are forcing
him to be what you want him tobe and if he just can't get it
(02:33):
right, sis, you gotta let him go.
It's so mentally draining andit's so mentally frustrating,
like it's so frustrating towaste your time on someone to be
how you want them to be or tobe how they should be as a man.
They still don't get it, theystill don't understand, they
still not getting better at it.
So that's a big sign.
Another sign I really believethat you're raising him instead
(02:56):
of dating him is like you andhim, y'all can't have
uncomfortable conversations andthat is such a turnoff for me.
What is such a turnoff for meand a man is when he's not
emotionally intelligent in themind, like you guys can't have
uncomfortable conversation.
Like everything that you tellhim like be more consistent, you
know, reach out to me more, orthis was bothering me, and he's
(03:19):
just like yeah, okay, yeah,you're right, yeah, I understand
, that's it, that's all he givesyou.
You know he's not, he doesn'tcommunicate effectively, like
every conversation you guys haveis kind of like surface level
and that is such a turnoff to me.
Me when I was dating thisperson, I'm just like why can't
you talk more?
Like why can't you really sayhow you feel?
(03:39):
He gives me like one word, twowords answers and that is such a
turnoff because I felt like Iwas dating a wall.
I felt like I was by myselfwhen I was with him.
So I might as well be by myselfand have peace.
And that's another thing, ladies, like if you're constantly
trying to have a realconversation with a man and it's
just going one ear and out theother.
Maybe it's because he don'tunderstand it.
He's not understanding, he'snot comprehending anything that
(04:02):
you're saying.
It's because he's emotionally,mentally, he's very immature.
He's incapable of being with agrown woman like you.
He still has a lot of growingto do, he still has a lot of
evolving to do, and you're notabout to raise him because his
mom failed to do so.
So that is a big sign thatyou're you're not about to raise
him because his mom failed todo so.
So that is a big sign thatyou're raising him instead of
dating him.
What I've realized is that youkind of justify his behavior.
(04:24):
You make excuses for his pooractions, like if he's not
calling you enough, if he's notshowing up for you, he's not
showing out for you, he's notputting in effort, he's not
showing you how much heappreciates you, how much he
prioritizes showing you how muchhe appreciates you, how much he
prioritizes you, how much hewants to be with you in your
life.
Because let me tell yousomething when y'all get in a
relationship with someone men orwomen, I don't care the
(04:45):
beginning of your relationship,that's like the honeymoon stage.
It really is.
That's when you guys just can'tget enough of each other.
That's how it should be in thebeginning of your relationship.
And if it's nothing like thatand you are having a hard time
getting through the datingstages with him or early
relationship stages with him,it's just he's not the one.
You're not asking for too much,like I swear ladies, you're not
(05:09):
asking for too much, you're notasking for the most, you're
just asking the wrong person.
And that's what I've realizedwhen I was dating this guy.
I really, really liked this guy.
I was just making excuses forhis behavior like oh, he's not
consistent because he has aheavy work schedule and me, I
don't care if I have a heavywork schedule at the same time,
I'm a mom, so I get it, Iunderstand, but it takes 30
(05:31):
seconds to reach out to thatperson.
It takes a little bit of effort.
That's what's important.
It's important to put in effort, it's important to put in
consistency, it's important toput in that time.
And if that person cannot giveyou their time, then you are
wasting your time and their time.
That's just really what it is,because if they're giving you
all these issues in thebeginning of your relationship,
(05:52):
even if you're dating, you arewalking into a preview of what
your relationship will be if itgets really serious.
That's just the preview of whatyou're about to walk into.
Ladies, please be careful whenyou guys are dating someone,
especially when you guys are inthe beginning stages of getting
to know them and feelings arehot and heavy.
(06:13):
If things are not goingsmoothly and you're having these
uncomfortable conversations andthis man is just not getting it
.
He's not comprehending, he'snot understanding, he's not
paying attention, he's notfocusing on what needs to be
fixed, he's not focusing onsolutions, he's just thinking
about the problems.
He's not growth oriented, he'snot relationship focused.
That's just not the one.
(06:35):
He's still not manly man to bewith you Like.
He's still got growing to doMentally.
He's a child and honestly,ladies, if you're dealing with
men like that, you gotta sendhis ass to kindergarten because
he's not mentally mature to bewith a grown, evolved woman like
you.
And that's what I had torealize.
This is like the biggest one,but another reason you're
raising him and this is such aturnoff.
(06:56):
You're always financiallyhelping him out.
You know he don't help you out,but you're the one who's
helping him out.
You're the one who's paying allthe bills.
You're the one who's insistinglike, hey, can you take me out
to eat?
Can you take me out forbreakfast?
He's broke, or he's notprioritizing you or he can't
(07:17):
waste money on you.
You're not even raising him.
That's just such a turnoff.
You're dating a broke personand dating a broke person
especially when you're in arelationship and you're paying
all the bills not only you'rekind of raising him, but the
real is hazardous, like it'shazardous to deal with someone
who's broke, who don't got moneyfor you, who don't even
prioritize you.
I would pay attention to that,lady.
Moral of the story is that younever want to raise a man for
(07:41):
the next woman.
You never want to stay too longwhen you know it's wrong.
You never want to waste yourtime trying to force, trying to
make this man be what you wanthim to be, or make him what you
expect him to be or what heexpects himself to be.
That's how you know you'rereally raising him and he's just
not there.
Like mentally, emotionally.
(08:01):
He's still got a lot ofevolving to do and that is not
your job to raise him.
Just because his family failedto do so does not mean you need
of evolving to do, and that isnot your job to raise him.
Just because his family failedto do so does not mean you need
to continue to do so.
What most likely happens isthat you're going to be drained,
you're going to be leftdisappointed, you're going to be
left broken hearted and you'regonna make him better, maybe,
maybe you're gonna make himbetter for the next woman.
(08:23):
These are the signs that you'reraising him, and there's so
many more other signs, but thiswas just what I realized when I
was dating someone, and I willbe back for my next video.
I'm so sorry that I have been gone for a while.
I have not been uploadingcontent.
I've been so distracted withreal life, with being a mom.
So I've been dating this guyguys and I really really like
this guy.
I really really liked him.
I had to call it quits becauseI realized while I was dating
him I felt like I was kind ofraising him.
So these are like the biggestsigns, sis, that you're raising
(00:24):
him instead of dating him.
So what I mean is thatbasically, while you're dating
this person, you're kind ofraising them at the same time.
To be who you want them to be,you need to let him go,
especially if you're raising him.
And the sign number one is thatyou're constantly telling him
what to do, how to do it and howdo you expect it to be done.
You're basically raising him.
(00:44):
So how to do it and how do youexpect it to be done?
You're basically raising him.
So when I was dating this guy,what I've noticed is that I
would have to tell him like, hey, can you prioritize me because
he has such a busy, busy workschedule.
So I would be like, hey, canyou prioritize me?
Can you at least call me more?
Can you at least reach out more?
So I don't feel like I'm givingyou my all and he would tell me
like, hey, I'm doing the bestthat I can, like I'm reaching
out to you, I'm prioritizing you, but you gotta understand I'm
(01:07):
really really busy.
I have this really crazy workschedule.
I would constantly have to tellthe guy that I was dating to
basically call me more, reachout to me more.
I will have to tell him hey, Ireally appreciate when men be
like how are you?
How you feeling?
Things like that.
I will have to tell him what todo.
And it was such a turn offbecause I would tell him and
he's like I'm doing everythingfor you, I'm doing the best that
(01:29):
I can, you know, basically,love bombing me.
Like I would call it quits withhim, and he would come back
trying to chase me, beg for me.
Basically, love bomb me.
And it would go back to thesame thing and I would tell him
I'm like, I feel like I'mraising, I feel like I'm telling
you to be what I want, how Iwant you to be, and he just
couldn't get it right.
At least for me he could notget it right.
(01:50):
So if you're dating someone, orif you're in a relationship with
someone and you're constantlytelling them what to do,
consistently, and things are notchanging, things are not
progressively getting better inthe relationship, that's kind of
a sign that you are raising himbecause, ladies, a real man is
going to understand what to dowithout it being said.
What's understood don't got tobe explained, ladies.
(02:11):
So if you're constantly tellinghim or you're nagging to him or
you're complaining to him oryou're kind of begging him,
forcing him, pleading him like,hey, can you do this for me?
Can you do this?
Can you do that?
Be more of a man, put in moreeffort, you know, show up more
consistency.
You're not really dating himbecause you're kind of raising
him.
You're kind of already tellinghim what to do, you are forcing
him to be what you want him tobe and if he just can't get it
(02:33):
right, sis, you gotta let him go.
It's so mentally draining andit's so mentally frustrating,
like it's so frustrating towaste your time on someone to be
how you want them to be or tobe how they should be as a man.
They still don't get it, theystill don't understand, they
still not getting better at it.
So that's a big sign.
Another sign I really believethat you're raising him instead
(02:56):
of dating him is like you andhim, y'all can't have
uncomfortable conversations andthat is such a turnoff for me.
What is such a turnoff for meand a man is when he's not
emotionally intelligent in themind, like you guys can't have
uncomfortable conversation.
Like everything that you tellhim like be more consistent, you
know, reach out to me more, orthis was bothering me, and he's
(03:19):
just like yeah, okay, yeah,you're right, yeah, I understand
, that's it, that's all he givesyou.
You know he's not, he doesn'tcommunicate effectively, like
every conversation you guys haveis kind of like surface level
and that is such a turnoff to me.
Me when I was dating thisperson, I'm just like why can't
you talk more?
Like why can't you really sayhow you feel?
(03:39):
He gives me like one word, twowords answers and that is such a
turnoff because I felt like Iwas dating a wall.
I felt like I was by myselfwhen I was with him.
So I might as well be by myselfand have peace.
And that's another thing, ladies, like if you're constantly
trying to have a realconversation with a man and it's
just going one ear and out theother.
Maybe it's because he don'tunderstand it.
He's not understanding, he'snot comprehending anything that
(04:02):
you're saying.
It's because he's emotionally,mentally, he's very immature.
He's incapable of being with agrown woman like you.
He still has a lot of growingto do, he still has a lot of
evolving to do, and you're notabout to raise him because his
mom failed to do so.
So that is a big sign thatyou're you're not about to raise
him because his mom failed todo so.
So that is a big sign thatyou're raising him instead of
dating him.
What I've realized is that youkind of justify his behavior.
(04:24):
You make excuses for his pooractions, like if he's not
calling you enough, if he's notshowing up for you, he's not
showing out for you, he's notputting in effort, he's not
showing you how much heappreciates you, how much he
prioritizes showing you how muchhe appreciates you, how much he
prioritizes you, how much hewants to be with you in your
life.
Because let me tell yousomething when y'all get in a
relationship with someone men orwomen, I don't care the
(04:45):
beginning of your relationship,that's like the honeymoon stage.
It really is.
That's when you guys just can'tget enough of each other.
That's how it should be in thebeginning of your relationship.
And if it's nothing like thatand you are having a hard time
getting through the datingstages with him or early
relationship stages with him,it's just he's not the one.
You're not asking for too much,like I swear ladies, you're not
(05:09):
asking for too much, you're notasking for the most, you're
just asking the wrong person.
And that's what I've realizedwhen I was dating this guy.
I really, really liked this guy.
I was just making excuses forhis behavior like oh, he's not
consistent because he has aheavy work schedule and me, I
don't care if I have a heavywork schedule at the same time,
I'm a mom, so I get it, Iunderstand, but it takes 30
(05:31):
seconds to reach out to thatperson.
It takes a little bit of effort.
That's what's important.
It's important to put in effort, it's important to put in
consistency, it's important toput in that time.
And if that person cannot giveyou their time, then you are
wasting your time and their time.
That's just really what it is,because if they're giving you
all these issues in thebeginning of your relationship,
(05:52):
even if you're dating, you arewalking into a preview of what
your relationship will be if itgets really serious.
That's just the preview of whatyou're about to walk into.
Ladies, please be careful whenyou guys are dating someone,
especially when you guys are inthe beginning stages of getting
to know them and feelings arehot and heavy.
(06:13):
If things are not goingsmoothly and you're having these
uncomfortable conversations andthis man is just not getting it
.
He's not comprehending, he'snot understanding, he's not
paying attention, he's notfocusing on what needs to be
fixed, he's not focusing onsolutions, he's just thinking
about the problems.
He's not growth oriented, he'snot relationship focused.
That's just not the one.
(06:35):
He's still not manly man to bewith you Like.
He's still got growing to doMentally.
He's a child and honestly,ladies, if you're dealing with
men like that, you gotta sendhis ass to kindergarten because
he's not mentally mature to bewith a grown, evolved woman like
you.
And that's what I had torealize.
This is like the biggest one,but another reason you're
raising him and this is such aturnoff.
(06:56):
You're always financiallyhelping him out.
You know he don't help you out,but you're the one who's
helping him out.
You're the one who's paying allthe bills.
You're the one who's insistinglike, hey, can you take me out
to eat?
Can you take me out forbreakfast?
He's broke, or he's notprioritizing you or he can't
(07:17):
waste money on you.
You're not even raising him.
That's just such a turnoff.
You're dating a broke personand dating a broke person
especially when you're in arelationship and you're paying
all the bills not only you'rekind of raising him, but the
real is hazardous, like it'shazardous to deal with someone
who's broke, who don't got moneyfor you, who don't even
prioritize you.
I would pay attention to that,lady.
Moral of the story is that younever want to raise a man for
(07:41):
the next woman.
You never want to stay too longwhen you know it's wrong.
You never want to waste yourtime trying to force, trying to
make this man be what you wanthim to be, or make him what you
expect him to be or what heexpects himself to be.
That's how you know you'rereally raising him and he's just
not there.
Like mentally, emotionally.
(08:01):
He's still got a lot ofevolving to do and that is not
your job to raise him.
Just because his family failedto do so does not mean you need
of evolving to do, and that isnot your job to raise him.
Just because his family failedto do so does not mean you need
to continue to do so.
What most likely happens isthat you're going to be drained,
you're going to be leftdisappointed, you're going to be
left broken hearted and you'regonna make him better, maybe,
maybe you're gonna make himbetter for the next woman.
(08:23):
These are the signs that you'reraising him, and there's so
many more other signs, but thiswas just what I realized when I
was dating someone, and I willbe back for my next video.
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