#AutisticAF Out Loud
One Voice... Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic. johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com
Episodes
Full Text Transcript
Someone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.
Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this.
Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.
Sunlight cracks my window, Gotta be midday. Kick myself a pathway Just to pee into the bowl. Like a peek into that deepest hole, Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away — Same filthy shirt as yesterday, Body and soul.
I...
Full Spoken Word Transcript
My time, it can’t be measured. Not a dimension. It’s a force.
A violent force.
every clock is a handgun pointed at my head
III
Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.
Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.
10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… ...
This moment... this New Year... disturbs many. This piece shares a disturbing moment from my autistic youth—and how I survived it. It weirdly relates to right now.
At 70-something, this is the happiest time of my autistic life. Not chasing distant goals—just breathing in this fabulous moment here.
This piece inverts Yeats’ “Second Coming” to tell a personal story about my grandfather, sailing out to Montauk Point, and discovering tha...
Friends, Grief & Autism…? They say we have no feelings…
They say autistics don't have emotions. Don't make friends.
Clue, I ain't Spock.
This is "My Friend Billy." A spoken word piece about grief, friendship, and what they never tell you about our autistic hearts. From my Amazon chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head."
3 minutes that blast the myth that autistic people lack emotional depth… wide open.
Billy died in a pol...
Where does my autistic rage come from? Not from being born wrong. From being raised, schooled, mocked, trained, therapped, and medicated into it.
This is about the source. The ones who created what they blamed us for. No apologies, no redemption arc—just the accusation.
Content note: Strong language, family trauma, discussion of rage & medical consequences of the rage they told us to keep inside + the experiences & opinions of one au...
A father’s reflection on parental regret, missed connections, and what it means to forget the life you didn’t live. Raw spoken word + visual art. No hidden meanings. No inspiration. Just what it’s like
👉More poetry: “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (link below)
👉 Full collection: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” (link below)
👉 Transcript: Link in comments
Content note: Parental regret. Family estrangement. Unfiltered aut...
A spoken word piece about family wounds, estrangement, and choosing to live unapologetically.
From Elvis dying on Mount Marcy to stalking Death Valley stars—this is what shameless looks like when you stop trying to be the son they ordered.
👉 Gift Season Special: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”
https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7i
Raw poetry & art exploring autistic innocence and experience. Perfect for:
* Your autistic or ADHD someone...
Trump brings Gaza war crimes home to US autistics.
Using starvation to subjugate people is a war crime, whether at the point of a gun or denying SNAP benefits.
November 1st, SNAP halted. Healthcare funding threatened. Social Security could vanish, Trump warns. 42 million Americans face losing food assistance. Not someday—right now.
A nation that uses starvation on its own civilians? I’m no lawyer, but I’d argue that’s tantamount to wa...
Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.
Show notes and transcript up tomorrow, 11/3.
#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscription.
Notes, sources, and further reading
not comprehensive or complete, but where I started
International Law: Starvation as War Crime
Supporting So...
My autism? Failing upward toward collapse, succeeding downward toward joy?
What if you weren't born to produce anything?
👉 New Chapbook: "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" → https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY
👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgBbPyJUGJw&list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb
RFK Jr.’s autism claims aren’t about helping anyone—they’re about deciding who gets to exist in America.
👉 New Chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” - https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY
👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist
👉 Full Text & Sources: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com
Chapters:
0:00 Cold Open + Promise 0:45 RFKjr’s Agenda vs the Facts1:52 Name the Ag...
👉 Check out Trigger Warnings playlist More analysis on how world events impact neurodivergent lives and practical resistance strategies.
I just saw Trump disbands Congress. For all intents and purposes, the US government isn’t just shut down—Trump has effectively rendered Congress useless and substituted his own personal will for governance.
00:00 Cold Open + Promise 00:25 “Disbands Congress” Now 01:43 Soft Authoritarian Playbook ...
Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.
Trigger Warnings: Trump Disbands Congress
Sources:Democracy Now!
democracynow.org/2025/10/8/adel…
“Scary Precedent”: GOP Blocks Rep.-Elect Adelita Grijalva from Taking Seat Amid Epstein Files Fight
Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election for a House seat in Arizona two weeks ago, has still not been sworn in to Congres...
👉A live reading from the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.”
What You’re About To Watch
A quick, sharp destruction of the “autism as superpower” narrative that’s everywhere in neurodivergent spaces. No superpowers. No kryptonite. Just the messy, explosive, delightful reality of being autistic without the costume drama.
These 60, live seconds cut through the inspiration porn... and all that other ‘you’re so bra...
Video Summary
A cinematic spoken word piece that cuts through decades of family silence with surgical precision.
Set against the Heaven's Gate cult tragedy and Hale-Bopp comet of 1997-98, this hybrid performance follows three wintry family gatherings where religious expectations collide with neurodivergent reality.
Watch what happens when an autistic adult finally stops performing "normal" at the dinner table - and pays the price.
This...
Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional content
Video Summary
This live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.
What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body bec...
👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.
Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriers
Video Summary
A raw piece that captures what it feels like to be autistic and ADHD at 71—trying to communicate through the static...
Free Resources & Purchase Links
👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, geta free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.
👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.
Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxiety
Video Summary
A live piece that cracks open what it really feels like to be autistic in this world.
No sanitize...
Someone wrote me: "These knocked me sideways... I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies."
This is "A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog." Living truth. Autistic style.
👉 VIDEO: A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog - 6:01
I can't see faces. When I try to remember someone - even my wife - I see what I call "a swirl of flesh-colored fog."
This piece is about wanting to be friends. Abou...
Thanks to everyone who tuned in! Free or paid subscribers? Join me for my next live video in the app. Gonna be a Trigger Warnings kinda take on old men with their fingers on THE Button. This week…
Here’s my speaking script from this live performance. Close to a transcript, but I changed a few lines on the fly… some even on purpose.
Today I’m talking family, friends, love… not known as autistic “superpowers.” So let’s start with a qui...
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