#AutisticAF Out Loud
One Voice... Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic. johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com
Episodes
Video Summary
A cinematic spoken word piece that cuts through decades of family silence with surgical precision.
Set against the Heaven's Gate cult tragedy and Hale-Bopp comet of 1997-98, this hybrid performance follows three wintry family gatherings where religious expectations collide with neurodivergent reality.
Watch what happens when an autistic adult finally stops performing "normal" at the dinner table - and pays the price.
This...
Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional content
Video Summary
This live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.
What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body bec...
👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.
Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriers
Video Summary
A raw piece that captures what it feels like to be autistic and ADHD at 71—trying to communicate through the static...
Free Resources & Purchase Links
👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, geta free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.
👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.
Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxiety
Video Summary
A live piece that cracks open what it really feels like to be autistic in this world.
No sanitize...
Someone wrote me: "These knocked me sideways... I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies."
This is "A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog." Living truth. Autistic style.
👉 VIDEO: A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog - 6:01
I can't see faces. When I try to remember someone - even my wife - I see what I call "a swirl of flesh-colored fog."
This piece is about wanting to be friends. Abou...
Thanks to everyone who tuned in! Free or paid subscribers? Join me for my next live video in the app. Gonna be a Trigger Warnings kinda take on old men with their fingers on THE Button. This week…
Here’s my speaking script from this live performance. Close to a transcript, but I changed a few lines on the fly… some even on purpose.
Today I’m talking family, friends, love… not known as autistic “superpowers.” So let’s start with a qui...
👉 YouTube Video of this live spoken word performance
👉 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” Amazon book & ebook
Cold Open
I feel like a brilliant creative soul
as if…
trapped in a damaged body
& neurology
trying to communicate with the world
through an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radio
playing through static
& the distortion
& sparking circuits…
to just be heard.
Do you understand at all what I mean?
Intro
You're listen...
Cold Open
I just heard the duly-elected President of these United States... Donald J. Trump... brag about dropping the atom bomb. On Hiroshima.
My god.
Steven Colbert? Jon Stewart...?
Once, these guys were subversive... were daring. But...
But with troops still in the California streets and missiles in Mid-Eastern air...
Haven't comedians become nauseatingly... tone dead?
When the Comedy stops being funny…
We're in deep shit. Especially an...
Cold Open
You wanna pathologize me? Knock yerself out. Faithfully counting every leaf marked "deficit"…
But missing the whole damn forest we know locally as "Survival."
[Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 1: Autistic Resilience]
Intro
You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 5. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 1: Autistic Resilience.”
Deficits… or strengths? Survival… o...
Cold Open
CBT…? Never worked for autistic me.
So, look, we KNOW masking doesn't work. Or FEAR. Or PAIN. We’re dying from them already.
That's all the words we need.
[Music]
Intro
You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 6. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 2: CBT…? Never Worked for Autistic Me.”
Abelist agendas. Bad research subjects. Bad data. Bad therapy.
There’s th...
Cold Open
You wanna pathologize me? Knock yerself out. Faithfully counting every leaf marked "deficit"…
But missing the whole damn forest we know locally as "Survival."
Intro
You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 5. “Doc? You Got Us All Wrong, Pt 1: Autistic Resilience.”
Deficits… or strengths? Survival… or thriving? Pathology… or inborn, natural autistic beh...
Cold Open [into silence]
Friend, I haven't done this before. Usually I talk autism & neurodiversity with you. But I'm very concerned about events unfolding this weekend...
I've seen these patterns emerge before. In other countries. Authoritarian countries¹.
I have no plan of action to suggest. It's happening too fast for me to process… in my slow, deep AuDHD² way.
All I could think to do… is share my concerns with friends who care.
[Mus...
Cold Open (into silence)
You love Dune? Like me?
Frank Herbert is dead... wrong.
Fear is NOT the mind-killer. Denial is.
[Music ]
Intro
You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 5. Attacks on neurodivergence, facing our fears, finding our strength. Today we're talking threats, resistance, and the power of a hundred million voices. Just one autistic elder's truth. ...
Cold Open
I was not born to be pitied. I was born to raise Hell. Autistic style.
Intro
You’re listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.
Season 5, Episode 4. Breaking mirrors, dancing at the edge of noise, raising autistic hell. Autism, Neurodiversity, 3 Poems... and 3 Rando Manifestos. Just one autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.
Content Note: trauma, sexual assault, self-harm, ...
Full podcast with links to available poster artwork: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/podcast-every-clock-is-a-handgun-2ee
Sensory-Friendly Discussion & Summary: https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/30720fb4-dab4-48b9-873f-90ec1ac03b88/audio
Transcript:
Autistic Spoken Word: Every Clock Is a Handgun Pointed at My Head
This spoken word on my autistic experience of time contains triggering topics. If you are sensitive to f...
Hey! I’m Johnny Profane… back after a 6-month bout of the "shys" to launch Season 5 of AutisticAF Out Loud.
Missed you guys…
But I'm here now, at least for the moment... Let's do something great with that moment, shall we?
This seems like the perfect occasion to talk about Time… and how it passes. A crucial topic… whether you’re autistic or ADHD, wonder if you are, have kids or a loved one, work with some, or work to support us…
I wa...
An Example of Exclusive Subscriber Content… Raw, Real, Authentic.
I’m letting my one austic voice do all the talking this time. I kinda like that.
AutisticAF Out Loud - One Autistic Voice. Hmm…
Here’s my first thank you.
My first real attempt at being live on camera.
It’s an autistic thing. No mask. No cosplay. I explain after you hit the button….
Anyway, this one’s for you. All the subscribers. You were here before I had the spoons to...
Shattering Neurodivergent Stereotypes: A Raw Dialogue for Tomorrow's Generations
Description: Embark on a transformative journey with Johnny Profane in this compelling episode of AutisticAF Out Loud, titled "Actually Autistic? Whatever Doesn't Kill Your Unique Neurodivergent Ass…". This conversation goes beyond dismantling societal myths and stereotypes about neurodivergence; it's a call to action for crea...
Autistic Authenticity: Navigating Identity and Community
Description: Dive into a candid conversation on AutisticAF Out Loud, where we tackle the often blurred lines between being autistic, belonging to identity groups, and maintaining personal integrity. "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group" serves as a bold reminder that autism is an inherent part of us, not a badge to be worn or a club to ...
Embracing Autism's Raw Truths in My 70s
Description: Dive deep with Johnny Profane into a journey unlike any other—a raw, unfiltered exploration of living with autism discovered later in life.
This episode peels back the layers of daily life, challenges, and the unexpected joys found in the simplest moments.
"Facing the reality of autism in my 70s, I share the gritty process of acceptance, the quest for authe...
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