#AutisticAF Out Loud

A comet, a cult, an ice storm, a family dinner... and a disastrous drinking game. Winter, 1997-98. One autistic elder's truth about faith, control, and what it costs to survive your own family.

⚠️ Content note: offensive language, substance use, religious criticism, mental health themes, cult references. Strong feelings. A very personal truth you may not share.

This is a hybrid spoken word piece — poem, film, mini-series. Scenes. Jum...

Still driven to matter. Desperately. Almost 73. And I can’t unwind… busted springs, broken dancer in a jewel box. This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And underneath? A terrified question I can’t stop asking.

Is listening more your thing? Hit the play icon ▶️ on the player above. Or pick your app: Apple, Spotify, Overcast, YouTube.

{Music}

Intro

You're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodi...

Note to long-time subscribers: You’re seeing this one again cuz I’ve given the original video a serious makeover. Then tucked it into a small archive of live spoken word pieces, for the newer folks these raw pieces brought to our strange little corner of the internet.

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Someone wrote me: “These knocked me sideways… I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies.”

I can’...

If you’re drawn to the raw experience born of neurodivergence, disability, trauma… or just honest storytelling that doesn’t sanitize the hard parts… Maybe this one’s for you. With full transcript, video, original artwork.

Family leaves marks on you. Some visible, some not. Hell, just breathing-while-autistic… in the adult world… does a number.

“Couldn’t you at least make it, Profano?” says my wife-to-be. Adding, “Who wants to be call...

Intro

Someone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.

Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this.

Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.

Sunlight cracks my window, Gotta be midday. Kick myself a pathway Just to pee into the bowl. Like a peek into that deepest hole, Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away — Same filthy shirt as yesterday, Body and soul.

I Gotta Change. ...

Full Spoken Word Transcript

My time, it can’t be measured. Not a dimension. It’s a force.

A violent force.

every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

III

Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.

Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.

10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… ...

Intro

My grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.

And…

He used to take me sailing.

{Silence}

Is listening more your thing? Hit the headphone icon 🎧 on the player at top. Or pick your app: Apple, Spotify, Overcast, YouTube.

Content Note: This piece addresses troubling family history and inherited complexity.

I call this one…

Slouching Toward Montauk

... Let’...

Friends, Grief & Autism…? They say we have no feelings…

They say autistics don't have emotions. Don't make friends. 

Clue, I ain't Spock.

This is "My Friend Billy." A spoken word piece about grief, friendship, and what they never tell you about our autistic hearts. From my Amazon chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head."

3 minutes that blast the myth that autistic people lack emotional depth… wide open.

Billy died in a pol...

Where does my autistic rage come from? Not from being born wrong. From being raised, schooled, mocked, trained, therapped, and medicated into it.

This is about the source. The ones who created what they blamed us for. No apologies, no redemption arc—just the accusation.

Content note: Strong language, family trauma, discussion of rage & medical consequences of the rage they told us to keep inside + the experiences & opinions of one au...

A father’s reflection on parental regret, missed connections, and what it means to forget the life you didn’t live. Raw spoken word + visual art. No hidden meanings. No inspiration. Just what it’s like

👉More poetry: “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (link below)

👉 Full collection: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” (link below)

👉 Transcript: Link in comments

Content note: Parental regret. Family estrangement. Unfiltered aut...

A spoken word piece about family wounds, estrangement, and choosing to live unapologetically.

From Elvis dying on Mount Marcy to stalking Death Valley stars—this is what shameless looks like when you stop trying to be the son they ordered.

👉 Gift Season Special: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”

https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7i

Raw poetry & art exploring autistic innocence and experience. Perfect for:

* Your autistic or ADHD someone...

Trump brings Gaza war crimes home to US autistics.

Using starvation to subjugate people is a war crime, whether at the point of a gun or denying SNAP benefits.

November 1st, SNAP halted. Healthcare funding threatened. Social Security could vanish, Trump warns. 42 million Americans face losing food assistance. Not someday—right now.

A nation that uses starvation on its own civilians? I’m no lawyer, but I’d argue that’s tantamount to wa...

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.

Show notes and transcript up tomorrow, 11/3.

#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscription.

Notes, sources, and further reading

not comprehensive or complete, but where I started

International Law: Starvation as War Crime

Supporting So...

My autism? Failing upward toward collapse, succeeding downward toward joy?

What if you weren't born to produce anything?

👉 New Chapbook: "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" → https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY

👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgBbPyJUGJw&list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb

👉 Full text & weekly authentic autistic co...

RFK Jr.’s autism claims aren’t about helping anyone—they’re about deciding who gets to exist in America.

👉 New Chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” - https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY

👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist

👉 Full Text & Sources: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com

Chapters:

0:00 Cold Open + Promise 0:45 RFKjr’s Agenda vs the Facts1:52 Name the Ag...

👉 Check out Trigger Warnings playlist More analysis on how world events impact neurodivergent lives and practical resistance strategies.

I just saw Trump disbands Congress. For all intents and purposes, the US government isn’t just shut down—Trump has effectively rendered Congress useless and substituted his own personal will for governance.

00:00 Cold Open + Promise 00:25 “Disbands Congress” Now 01:43 Soft Authoritarian Playbook ...

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.

Trigger Warnings: Trump Disbands Congress

Sources:Democracy Now!

democracynow.org/2025/10/8/adel…

“Scary Precedent”: GOP Blocks Rep.-Elect Adelita Grijalva from Taking Seat Amid Epstein Files Fight

Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election for a House seat in Arizona two weeks ago, has still not been sworn in to Congres...

👉A live reading from the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.”

What You’re About To Watch

A quick, sharp destruction of the “autism as superpower” narrative that’s everywhere in neurodivergent spaces. No superpowers. No kryptonite. Just the messy, explosive, delightful reality of being autistic without the costume drama.

These 60, live seconds cut through the inspiration porn... and all that other ‘you’re so bra...

Intro

But I ain't going to lie, this next one's rough and long and complex. Plain spoken in its own way, but complex.

It may not need a TS Elliott-pretentious kind of footnote, but I try to intertwine family, control, and religion and very real events from my winter of '97-'98.

And just for you youngsters... if there are some... I'll remind you that was when the Hale-Bopp comet was fading in northern New York skies and the memory of t...