October 1, 2025 • 21 mins
Have you ever searched for wellness resources that truly understand what it means to be a Certified Anesthesiologist Assistant? You're not alone. Wellness Wednesday are candid conversations about the unique challenges and opportunities facing CAAs in their pursuit of sustainable wellbeing.
In this episode, we discuss the quiet tug-of-war between boundless ambition and a life that actually feels good (especially for high-achieving CAAs, SAAs, and pre-AAs trained to do more, faster, and better). We unpack the core idea, “you can do anything, but you can’t do everything”, and sit with the grief inside it. Every 'yes' creates a cascade of invisible no’s, and pretending that doesn’t hurt keeps us stuck. Naming seasons changes the game.
Whether you're a practicing CAA, AA student, or prospective applicant, this episode marks the beginning of a community-centered approach to wellness that finally names and validates your experience. Welcome in.
Attention AA Program Leaders and Educators. Learn More about bringing CAA Matters to your AA program HERE
You can now text me! Leave your email if you need a response!
Pre-AA Matters takes you behind the scenes and gives you the insight, tools, and community to meet the challenges of being a future SAA (and CAA). Pre-sale opens October 27th, but only to the waitlist. JOIN THE WAITLIST today for early access pricing and 2 digital bonuses to start your Pre-AA journey strong.
Stay Connected by subscribing to the Awakened Anesthetist Newsletter-
for more CAA specific resources, exclusive content and offers.
Watch episodes of Awakened Anesthetist Now on YouTube!
Let's Chat! awakenedanesthetist.com or on IG @awakenedanesthetist
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
This Wellness Wednesday is brought to you by
CAA Matters, the firstcomprehensive wellness and
professionalism curriculumdesigned to truly support the AA
student experience.
We all know AA education isstreamlined to produce competent
providers in a fast-pacedprogram.
Meanwhile, wellness andprofessionalism often get
(00:22):
overlooked, lumped in withmedical students, or addressed
too late to help.
CAA Matters fills this gap,centering student
anesthesiologist assistance andequipping them with the tools,
resources, and mindset shifts tosucceed in school and build
long, fulfilling careers.
(00:42):
It's a turnkey curriculum, fullyprepared, facilitated, and
supported from planning todelivery.
Program leaders and AA educatorscan learn more, read reviews
from early adopters, and explorepiloting CAA Matters at
awakenedanesthetist.com or byclicking the link in the show
notes.
(01:04):
Welcome, Awakened Anesthetistcommunity.
Welcome to my little meditationspace.
This is the same room that wewere in last wellness Wednesday.
It's just turned around a littlebit.
I'm looking at my podcaststudio, like over that way, and
there's a guest bed behind me.
This is not a big space.
I'm like always in this room.
I just like turn my focus andthen I'm doing something
(01:25):
different.
So welcome in to my littlemeditation nook.
It's not fancy.
And for so long, I had this ideathat everything had to be
aesthetic.
And of course, I had hopes anddreams of everything being
aesthetic.
But the reality is doingsomething every day or creating
a habit is such a huge hurdlethat if I had to have it be
(01:48):
perfect every single time, Ijust would never have done it.
And so this is part of that justraw authenticity of showing you
all exactly what my own wellnessjourney has been like and sort
of taking you along in realtime.
And part of that was just takingyou on my afternoon meditation.
It's afternoon here.
It's a Tuesday.
(02:09):
I had a wonderful day.
Actually, got up, walked my kidsto school.
Um, my husband and I walked backthen on our own and kind of had
a nice chat.
I went to yoga.
I made myself a deliciousbreakfast sandwich on these
croissants from Costco that wegot, which were amazing.
What else did I do?
I got a coffee from my localfavorite coffee spot.
(02:31):
It is a large iced oat milklatte with double shot of decaf
and then add an extra shot ofregular espresso.
Um, and then half sweet of theirhomemade pumpkin spice um sauce
or sweetener, which was very,very yummy.
(02:52):
So I had that.
And I wanted to have anotherwellness Wednesday.
I'm really trying to, again,just show my absolute realist
self in these videos.
And if you're watching onYouTube, then you saw that the
first half of this video wasactually a real-time meditation
and it kind of walks you throughmy routine and and what I'm
(03:14):
doing.
Um, so if you are listening tome right now on a podcast, you
can go over to YouTube and seethe first like 20 minutes of the
video is a meditation, and thenjust follow along the rest of
the way from there.
But yeah, welcome.
I think I've said that, but I'mso happy you're here.
Today I wanted to talk aboutthis concept that really took me
(03:37):
many, many years to understand.
And I had people from differentareas of my life sort of saying
this concept.
And so this is what I wanted totalk to you all about today, um,
in hopes that maybe having a CAAshare this concept with you is
like lands maybe a littledeeper, and maybe you can kind
of pick this up and run with itfaster than I was able to.
(03:59):
Um, but the concept is that as aCAA, as an SAA, as a pre-AA, you
can do anything, but you cannotdo everything.
So as a member of this CAAcommunity, I know you and I know
(04:19):
that you can do anything, butyou cannot do everything.
And this idea, this concept,this sort of almost negative
belief, or it feels negative,especially in the moment when
you have so many good ideas, youhave so many big plans, there
(04:40):
are so many beautiful thingsthat you know you can do as a
highly capable, highlyproductive, focused, um,
intentional, super smart person.
You have been able to do so manyamazing things.
And our culture has uh rewardedthat.
And often it's that exactattribute that has gotten you
(05:04):
into AA school, has gotten youlanded your, you know, most
amazing career as a CAA, um,taken you wherever you wanted to
go as a CAA.
And so when you start thinking,like I did, gee, you know, if I
pull back a little bit on beinga CAA, what's left?
(05:25):
And I kind of got quiet andstarted to get all these ideas.
I'm like, oh my gosh, wow, thisCAA profession has created this
sense of stability and safetythat I could really expand and
do a million other things.
And doesn't this sound fun?
And like, oh, now I want to dothis and do that.
(05:45):
And at one point I thought I wasgonna be the hot fudge queen of
the universe.
So before I was able to leave myfull-time job for my dream
initial part-time job, I really,really wanted to have some other
passion in my life besides justgiving anesthesia.
And so I ended up creating anFDA-approved version, like a
(06:08):
bottled version of my family'shot fudge sauce that I grew up
eating, which is freakingphenomenal.
Like it absolutely is the besthot fudge you'll ever have in
your life.
And I did all the steps, createdthe business, the LLC, got it
FDA approved, and like was aboutto put it on store shelves.
I was in a commercial kitchenfor like six hours every week
(06:28):
making hundreds of jars of hotfudge by myself, labeling it,
filling it, making the hotfudge, sterilizing all the jars,
like the whole nine yards.
Um, and then I ended up gettingmy dream part-time job at the
time.
And I was like, well, I didthis.
I wanted to work part-time sothat I could find other aspects
of myself.
And I thought I would need themoney from selling this hot
(06:51):
fudge in order to do it.
And then my part-time job endedup giving me enough money where
I didn't have to sell the hotfudge in addition.
And so I was like, well, this issort of taking up a lot of my
life, and it's like taking up alot of my bandwidth.
And so I sort of let the hotfudge dream go.
But that whole that was like twoyears of my life.
That was like 2017 to 2019 whenI finally left my full-time job.
(07:15):
And really understanding if Ican go back and tell myself that
2017 self, like, hey, you can doanything.
You're so capable.
I know that you can be the hotfudge queen of the universe if
you want to be.
But stop, pause.
Do you really want to be?
Like, what is at the root ofwhat you're really wanting?
(07:37):
Um, I had always had success bypushing and going and harder and
faster, and you know, and I hadreward from that.
I got an FDA approval for thishot fudge.
But then at the end of the day,I realized, like, oh, that takes
so much from me.
That's not actually what I waschasing.
I just was able to do that.
It was like, um, if anyone'sfamiliar with like the zone of
(08:00):
geniuses, it was like my zone ofexcellence, but it wasn't my
zone of genius.
And so I wanted to justintroduce this concept that kind
of can lay over the grief, trulythe grief that is there when you
think, well, how do I let thesedreams die?
Like, how do I walk away fromall these possibilities?
(08:23):
Um, and maybe you're facing thisright now as an AA student.
So like maybe you're having towalk away from relationships and
friendships in a way that feelsreally awful, like really full
of grief.
And you're like, why can't I bein AA school?
And also cultivate, you know,really connected, dense
friendships.
(08:43):
Um, and I would say somethingthat's really helped me cope
with that level of grief thatcomes in the statement, you
know, Mary, you can do anything,but you can't do everything.
You have to pick.
And to know that when I say yesto something, it closes a bunch
of other doors.
(09:04):
There's a bunch of other no'sthat follow that yes.
Because when I say yes, and Ionly have so much time in the
day and so much energy andbandwidth, other things that
come up, and I would also wantto say yes to those, I now have
to say no.
And that sucks.
Like that is a really hard lifelesson.
But this concept that there areseasons to life has really eased
(09:30):
some of that grief for me thatum I can more appreciate that
I'm in a really beautifulseason.
Like, let's use my life rightnow.
I'm in a really beautiful seasonwhere I'm able to live very
slowly.
It's like a Tuesday at 1 p.m., Ithink right now.
And I told you what I did thismorning, and that has been such
(09:53):
a dream experience.
And being able to record thisYouTube, you know, and like
showing a meditation and thenhaving this chitty chat with you
all has been what I want.
Like, I want this level ofconnectedness by just showing my
truest realist self.
Um, but this is not a season forme to be aesthetically pleasing.
(10:17):
Like, if I want to show up as Itruly am, I couldn't have spent
two hours getting the room readyand putting on makeup and like
wearing something cute and likegetting a background and all the
things because then I wouldn'thave been able to go to yoga and
I would have been stressed whenI was walking my kids in school,
or I would have just been like,oh, I don't have time to do
(10:37):
that, take the bus.
Um, and so there had to bethings that I say no to because
I want to say yes to this righthere.
Like I want to say yes to thiscommunity and to this level of
bringing you into my worldbecause this is what I was
craving when I was going throughmy own transitions, when I was
in the heat of I can doanything, why can't I do
(11:00):
everything?
And it was just so hard for meto accept the grief.
I just thought, well, I can finda way around it.
There can be, there's justsomething I'm missing, there's
something I'm not thinkingabout.
Oh, I could, you know, maybehire some more help, or, you
know, that there has to be a waythat I can hold all this big
dream.
Um and the truth is I can have abig dream.
(11:24):
I just have to have it inseasons.
And that has eased the carryingthe amount of grief that that um
reality entails.
That, like, okay, this is theseason right now for building
awakened anesthes in a reallyauthentic way.
And my kids are little, they'reall still in grade school.
(11:45):
And, you know, having that timewith them in the morning is so
precious to me and just fills meup so deeply that I don't want
to give it up for more money.
Or, you know, by working in theoperating room when I'm gone
before they wake up, or knowingthat me being home and not being
in the operating room andpouring into wake anesthesia
(12:06):
means that I've also lost skillsas a CAA.
Like I could not at this momentwalk into a cardiac case and
feel comfortable.
Um, I also at this moment, like,you know, again, have a home
that's not super aestheticallypleasing.
Like there, there are cray markson the walls, there are door
dings, there are this is alived-in family home.
(12:30):
This is not the home of mydreams.
Like when I was 10 years oldthinking, oh, I'm gonna have
this big, beautiful house andeverything's gonna be white and
aesthetic.
Like that's not my reality rightnow.
And there was grief to that, toknowing that I can't have it all
right now.
But this idea of seasons hasreally allowed me to feel, you
know, see the beauty, feel thegratitude in the present, and
(12:52):
then just be like, hey, that'sfuture.
We're we can have a big, hugehome remodel when the kids are
out of school, and uh, you know,I'm a decade and a half into a
wake anaesthetist and it'sshifted, and I have more time to
focus on like, you know, makingmy home be this dream home.
And like, won't that be greattoo?
Like, that will be great then.
I just can't have that now.
(13:13):
So I wanted to share a few morethings.
I was, I actually workedyesterday.
So today's Tuesday.
I usually work in the operatingroom on Thursdays, PRN, at a
large academic hospital inKansas City.
But they sent out an X SOS textthe other day, like on Sunday, I
think, and or maybe a Saturday,like, hey, can anyone work
Monday?
And I actually was able to, so Idecided to say yes to that
(13:37):
opportunity.
And um the one good thing aboutwaking up at 5 a.m.
is that the house is completelyquiet.
And I knew I wanted to talk onthis idea of seasons and
accepting the grief of not beingable to do everything I want
right now.
And so I made a little list ofall the things I also can't do
right now in my planner.
(13:58):
So let me find it.
Okay, this is this is what Ican't do, and maybe um I want to
revise this and say, like, thisis a season that does not
include.
So this is a season that doesnot include international family
vacations, um, which we also arewanting to take one to Hawaii,
(14:18):
which is about as hard to get toas an international trip.
And this is just not the seasonfor that.
There are a lot of reasons thatthis is not that season.
This is not the season to beable to put out uh one podcast
episode a week.
I know that's the sort of goldstandard in the algorithm of
podcasting, and this is not theseason for that for me.
(14:39):
This is also not the seasonwhere I can save to the max in
my 401k.
I saved to the max from like 24years old when I started as a
CAA to oh, probably 34, so maybea decade before I started
pulling some of that money backto um save it to begin to
(14:59):
transition into going part-time.
And I have not yet been able togo back to putting my maximum in
a 401, which I would eventuallylike to do, but this is not the
season.
I don't have the money to dothat right now.
Um, I already said this is notthe season for a perfectly
designed aesthetic home, or tohave a clean home all the time,
(15:20):
or decluttered, or scratch-free,or crayon-free home.
This is not the season when wecan have made-for-scratch meals
every day.
We food is probably the thing wespend the most money on.
It's very important to myhusband and I that we eat really
yummy, nourishing food.
And if we could have ahome-cooked vegan meal every
single night, that would be whatwe want.
(15:42):
But this is not the season forthat.
Um, I already told you this isnot the season for me to be the
hot fudge queen of the world.
And maybe it will be one daybecause I'm telling you this hot
fudge is legit.
If you know, you know, but thisis not that season.
Um and I also put this is notthe season for me to be able to
(16:02):
do everything I want to dowithin the CAA wellness world.
There are so many things,including starting a wellness
subcommittee, which is somethingI'm I am trying to do right now,
but has not started yet.
But I have like submitted theinitial proposal to the quad A.
Um, but there are just so manyother things in this CAA
(16:25):
wellness space that I reallywant to give to us.
And this is not the season to doall of them.
Like I have chosen AwakenAnesthetist, I have chosen CAA
Matters, which is that umwellness and professionalism
curriculum that is currently forAA students and pre-AAs.
And that's the way I cancontribute right now.
(16:46):
But I had to let the 40 otherthings that would are would be
great ideas and I could do gobecause this is not the season
for them.
Because again, I can doanything, but I can't do
everything.
So I hope this little chat helpsyou on your own journey.
(17:06):
If you are trying to get into Aschool, this is very, very
relevant to you picking a careerand like feeling really
confident that okay, I'm gonnawant to be a CAA forever.
Like there's this huge upfrontinvestment.
And then how do you ensureyourself that you're gonna love
it forever?
And um while I do tell everypre-AA like it's totally worth
(17:28):
it, this profession is the bomb.
Like there is grief in knowingthat you could do all this work
and not get in, or you could doall this work and not love it
the way that I love it, or theway that you think you're gonna
love it, and that's okay.
Like you have to choosesomething and move forward and
let the all the other optionsgo.
And at the end, you're gonnaknow, or you'll have a great
(17:50):
career for 20 years and thenpivot, like I've been doing, you
know, out of the OR full time.
Um, and it's just thatacceptance of the grief, I
think, that really tripped me upfor years and years.
And knowing that life hasseasons for everything has
really helped me move forward,even though that grief is still
(18:10):
there, but it moved forward in away that I can still feel good.
So, all right, thank you so muchfor being here again.
Tune in on Wednesdays for theseshorter wellness Wednesdays.
I loved this little setup.
I loved kind of feeling reallygood and comfortable with you
all.
So let me know how you likethese Wellness Wednesday
(18:31):
episodes and if you there'sanother topic that you want to
talk about.
Um, also, these are really closeto the type of connection and
sharing that we do in MindfulConnections, which is a free
60-minute virtual communitygathering for anyone in the CAA
community.
So pre-AAs, SAAs, and CAAs.
(18:51):
We in season five, so they runalongside the podcast, like
every season of the podcast.
And in season five, our big, bigtheme is getting into the
driver's seat of your life.
We've already discussed topicslike jealousy and finances.
And so I really encourage you tosign up.
You'll see me like kind ofblasting them on my website and
(19:13):
Instagram, but they're a reallygreat way to just have really
honest, authentic conversationsjust like this inside the CAA
community where people get youand understand what you're going
through.
And you can just show up as youare and have a great
conversation and then just kindof go about your way.
So, anyways, these episodes aremy heart, and I hope you all are
(19:35):
enjoying them.
So, all right, I'll talk soon.
Thanks for listening to AwakenedAnesthetist.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with a CAA friend,
an AA student in your life, or aperspective, and let them know
why you loved it.
It's the most important thingyou can do to support this
podcast and its mission.
(19:56):
You can always find more ways toconnect with me and this CAA
community atawakenedanesthetist.com,
including an invitation to joinseason five Mindful Connections.
These are free virtualgatherings open to anyone in our
Awakened Anesthetist community.
And while you're scrolling thewebsite, check out my trusted
(20:18):
CAA partners who make thispodcast possible with a special
thank you to my season fivesponsor, Harmony Anesthesia
Staffing.
Talk soon.
This Wellness Wednesday is brought to you by
CAA Matters, the firstcomprehensive wellness and
professionalism curriculumdesigned to truly support the AA
student experience.
We all know AA education isstreamlined to produce competent
providers in a fast-pacedprogram.
Meanwhile, wellness andprofessionalism often get
(00:22):
overlooked, lumped in withmedical students, or addressed
too late to help.
CAA Matters fills this gap,centering student
anesthesiologist assistance andequipping them with the tools,
resources, and mindset shifts tosucceed in school and build
long, fulfilling careers.
(00:42):
It's a turnkey curriculum, fullyprepared, facilitated, and
supported from planning todelivery.
Program leaders and AA educatorscan learn more, read reviews
from early adopters, and explorepiloting CAA Matters at
awakenedanesthetist.com or byclicking the link in the show
notes.
(01:04):
Welcome, Awakened Anesthetistcommunity.
Welcome to my little meditationspace.
This is the same room that wewere in last wellness Wednesday.
It's just turned around a littlebit.
I'm looking at my podcaststudio, like over that way, and
there's a guest bed behind me.
This is not a big space.
I'm like always in this room.
I just like turn my focus andthen I'm doing something
(01:25):
different.
So welcome in to my littlemeditation nook.
It's not fancy.
And for so long, I had this ideathat everything had to be
aesthetic.
And of course, I had hopes anddreams of everything being
aesthetic.
But the reality is doingsomething every day or creating
a habit is such a huge hurdlethat if I had to have it be
(01:48):
perfect every single time, Ijust would never have done it.
And so this is part of that justraw authenticity of showing you
all exactly what my own wellnessjourney has been like and sort
of taking you along in realtime.
And part of that was just takingyou on my afternoon meditation.
It's afternoon here.
It's a Tuesday.
(02:09):
I had a wonderful day.
Actually, got up, walked my kidsto school.
Um, my husband and I walked backthen on our own and kind of had
a nice chat.
I went to yoga.
I made myself a deliciousbreakfast sandwich on these
croissants from Costco that wegot, which were amazing.
What else did I do?
I got a coffee from my localfavorite coffee spot.
(02:31):
It is a large iced oat milklatte with double shot of decaf
and then add an extra shot ofregular espresso.
Um, and then half sweet of theirhomemade pumpkin spice um sauce
or sweetener, which was very,very yummy.
(02:52):
So I had that.
And I wanted to have anotherwellness Wednesday.
I'm really trying to, again,just show my absolute realist
self in these videos.
And if you're watching onYouTube, then you saw that the
first half of this video wasactually a real-time meditation
and it kind of walks you throughmy routine and and what I'm
(03:14):
doing.
Um, so if you are listening tome right now on a podcast, you
can go over to YouTube and seethe first like 20 minutes of the
video is a meditation, and thenjust follow along the rest of
the way from there.
But yeah, welcome.
I think I've said that, but I'mso happy you're here.
Today I wanted to talk aboutthis concept that really took me
(03:37):
many, many years to understand.
And I had people from differentareas of my life sort of saying
this concept.
And so this is what I wanted totalk to you all about today, um,
in hopes that maybe having a CAAshare this concept with you is
like lands maybe a littledeeper, and maybe you can kind
of pick this up and run with itfaster than I was able to.
(03:59):
Um, but the concept is that as aCAA, as an SAA, as a pre-AA, you
can do anything, but you cannotdo everything.
So as a member of this CAAcommunity, I know you and I know
(04:19):
that you can do anything, butyou cannot do everything.
And this idea, this concept,this sort of almost negative
belief, or it feels negative,especially in the moment when
you have so many good ideas, youhave so many big plans, there
(04:40):
are so many beautiful thingsthat you know you can do as a
highly capable, highlyproductive, focused, um,
intentional, super smart person.
You have been able to do so manyamazing things.
And our culture has uh rewardedthat.
And often it's that exactattribute that has gotten you
(05:04):
into AA school, has gotten youlanded your, you know, most
amazing career as a CAA, um,taken you wherever you wanted to
go as a CAA.
And so when you start thinking,like I did, gee, you know, if I
pull back a little bit on beinga CAA, what's left?
(05:25):
And I kind of got quiet andstarted to get all these ideas.
I'm like, oh my gosh, wow, thisCAA profession has created this
sense of stability and safetythat I could really expand and
do a million other things.
And doesn't this sound fun?
And like, oh, now I want to dothis and do that.
(05:45):
And at one point I thought I wasgonna be the hot fudge queen of
the universe.
So before I was able to leave myfull-time job for my dream
initial part-time job, I really,really wanted to have some other
passion in my life besides justgiving anesthesia.
And so I ended up creating anFDA-approved version, like a
(06:08):
bottled version of my family'shot fudge sauce that I grew up
eating, which is freakingphenomenal.
Like it absolutely is the besthot fudge you'll ever have in
your life.
And I did all the steps, createdthe business, the LLC, got it
FDA approved, and like was aboutto put it on store shelves.
I was in a commercial kitchenfor like six hours every week
(06:28):
making hundreds of jars of hotfudge by myself, labeling it,
filling it, making the hotfudge, sterilizing all the jars,
like the whole nine yards.
Um, and then I ended up gettingmy dream part-time job at the
time.
And I was like, well, I didthis.
I wanted to work part-time sothat I could find other aspects
of myself.
And I thought I would need themoney from selling this hot
(06:51):
fudge in order to do it.
And then my part-time job endedup giving me enough money where
I didn't have to sell the hotfudge in addition.
And so I was like, well, this issort of taking up a lot of my
life, and it's like taking up alot of my bandwidth.
And so I sort of let the hotfudge dream go.
But that whole that was like twoyears of my life.
That was like 2017 to 2019 whenI finally left my full-time job.
(07:15):
And really understanding if Ican go back and tell myself that
2017 self, like, hey, you can doanything.
You're so capable.
I know that you can be the hotfudge queen of the universe if
you want to be.
But stop, pause.
Do you really want to be?
Like, what is at the root ofwhat you're really wanting?
(07:37):
Um, I had always had success bypushing and going and harder and
faster, and you know, and I hadreward from that.
I got an FDA approval for thishot fudge.
But then at the end of the day,I realized, like, oh, that takes
so much from me.
That's not actually what I waschasing.
I just was able to do that.
It was like, um, if anyone'sfamiliar with like the zone of
(08:00):
geniuses, it was like my zone ofexcellence, but it wasn't my
zone of genius.
And so I wanted to justintroduce this concept that kind
of can lay over the grief, trulythe grief that is there when you
think, well, how do I let thesedreams die?
Like, how do I walk away fromall these possibilities?
(08:23):
Um, and maybe you're facing thisright now as an AA student.
So like maybe you're having towalk away from relationships and
friendships in a way that feelsreally awful, like really full
of grief.
And you're like, why can't I bein AA school?
And also cultivate, you know,really connected, dense
friendships.
(08:43):
Um, and I would say somethingthat's really helped me cope
with that level of grief thatcomes in the statement, you
know, Mary, you can do anything,but you can't do everything.
You have to pick.
And to know that when I say yesto something, it closes a bunch
of other doors.
(09:04):
There's a bunch of other no'sthat follow that yes.
Because when I say yes, and Ionly have so much time in the
day and so much energy andbandwidth, other things that
come up, and I would also wantto say yes to those, I now have
to say no.
And that sucks.
Like that is a really hard lifelesson.
But this concept that there areseasons to life has really eased
(09:30):
some of that grief for me thatum I can more appreciate that
I'm in a really beautifulseason.
Like, let's use my life rightnow.
I'm in a really beautiful seasonwhere I'm able to live very
slowly.
It's like a Tuesday at 1 p.m., Ithink right now.
And I told you what I did thismorning, and that has been such
(09:53):
a dream experience.
And being able to record thisYouTube, you know, and like
showing a meditation and thenhaving this chitty chat with you
all has been what I want.
Like, I want this level ofconnectedness by just showing my
truest realist self.
Um, but this is not a season forme to be aesthetically pleasing.
(10:17):
Like, if I want to show up as Itruly am, I couldn't have spent
two hours getting the room readyand putting on makeup and like
wearing something cute and likegetting a background and all the
things because then I wouldn'thave been able to go to yoga and
I would have been stressed whenI was walking my kids in school,
or I would have just been like,oh, I don't have time to do
(10:37):
that, take the bus.
Um, and so there had to bethings that I say no to because
I want to say yes to this righthere.
Like I want to say yes to thiscommunity and to this level of
bringing you into my worldbecause this is what I was
craving when I was going throughmy own transitions, when I was
in the heat of I can doanything, why can't I do
(11:00):
everything?
And it was just so hard for meto accept the grief.
I just thought, well, I can finda way around it.
There can be, there's justsomething I'm missing, there's
something I'm not thinkingabout.
Oh, I could, you know, maybehire some more help, or, you
know, that there has to be a waythat I can hold all this big
dream.
Um and the truth is I can have abig dream.
(11:24):
I just have to have it inseasons.
And that has eased the carryingthe amount of grief that that um
reality entails.
That, like, okay, this is theseason right now for building
awakened anesthes in a reallyauthentic way.
And my kids are little, they'reall still in grade school.
(11:45):
And, you know, having that timewith them in the morning is so
precious to me and just fills meup so deeply that I don't want
to give it up for more money.
Or, you know, by working in theoperating room when I'm gone
before they wake up, or knowingthat me being home and not being
in the operating room andpouring into wake anesthesia
(12:06):
means that I've also lost skillsas a CAA.
Like I could not at this momentwalk into a cardiac case and
feel comfortable.
Um, I also at this moment, like,you know, again, have a home
that's not super aestheticallypleasing.
Like there, there are cray markson the walls, there are door
dings, there are this is alived-in family home.
(12:30):
This is not the home of mydreams.
Like when I was 10 years oldthinking, oh, I'm gonna have
this big, beautiful house andeverything's gonna be white and
aesthetic.
Like that's not my reality rightnow.
And there was grief to that, toknowing that I can't have it all
right now.
But this idea of seasons hasreally allowed me to feel, you
know, see the beauty, feel thegratitude in the present, and
(12:52):
then just be like, hey, that'sfuture.
We're we can have a big, hugehome remodel when the kids are
out of school, and uh, you know,I'm a decade and a half into a
wake anaesthetist and it'sshifted, and I have more time to
focus on like, you know, makingmy home be this dream home.
And like, won't that be greattoo?
Like, that will be great then.
I just can't have that now.
(13:13):
So I wanted to share a few morethings.
I was, I actually workedyesterday.
So today's Tuesday.
I usually work in the operatingroom on Thursdays, PRN, at a
large academic hospital inKansas City.
But they sent out an X SOS textthe other day, like on Sunday, I
think, and or maybe a Saturday,like, hey, can anyone work
Monday?
And I actually was able to, so Idecided to say yes to that
(13:37):
opportunity.
And um the one good thing aboutwaking up at 5 a.m.
is that the house is completelyquiet.
And I knew I wanted to talk onthis idea of seasons and
accepting the grief of not beingable to do everything I want
right now.
And so I made a little list ofall the things I also can't do
right now in my planner.
(13:58):
So let me find it.
Okay, this is this is what Ican't do, and maybe um I want to
revise this and say, like, thisis a season that does not
include.
So this is a season that doesnot include international family
vacations, um, which we also arewanting to take one to Hawaii,
(14:18):
which is about as hard to get toas an international trip.
And this is just not the seasonfor that.
There are a lot of reasons thatthis is not that season.
This is not the season to beable to put out uh one podcast
episode a week.
I know that's the sort of goldstandard in the algorithm of
podcasting, and this is not theseason for that for me.
(14:39):
This is also not the seasonwhere I can save to the max in
my 401k.
I saved to the max from like 24years old when I started as a
CAA to oh, probably 34, so maybea decade before I started
pulling some of that money backto um save it to begin to
(14:59):
transition into going part-time.
And I have not yet been able togo back to putting my maximum in
a 401, which I would eventuallylike to do, but this is not the
season.
I don't have the money to dothat right now.
Um, I already said this is notthe season for a perfectly
designed aesthetic home, or tohave a clean home all the time,
(15:20):
or decluttered, or scratch-free,or crayon-free home.
This is not the season when wecan have made-for-scratch meals
every day.
We food is probably the thing wespend the most money on.
It's very important to myhusband and I that we eat really
yummy, nourishing food.
And if we could have ahome-cooked vegan meal every
single night, that would be whatwe want.
(15:42):
But this is not the season forthat.
Um, I already told you this isnot the season for me to be the
hot fudge queen of the world.
And maybe it will be one daybecause I'm telling you this hot
fudge is legit.
If you know, you know, but thisis not that season.
Um and I also put this is notthe season for me to be able to
(16:02):
do everything I want to dowithin the CAA wellness world.
There are so many things,including starting a wellness
subcommittee, which is somethingI'm I am trying to do right now,
but has not started yet.
But I have like submitted theinitial proposal to the quad A.
Um, but there are just so manyother things in this CAA
(16:25):
wellness space that I reallywant to give to us.
And this is not the season to doall of them.
Like I have chosen AwakenAnesthetist, I have chosen CAA
Matters, which is that umwellness and professionalism
curriculum that is currently forAA students and pre-AAs.
And that's the way I cancontribute right now.
(16:46):
But I had to let the 40 otherthings that would are would be
great ideas and I could do gobecause this is not the season
for them.
Because again, I can doanything, but I can't do
everything.
So I hope this little chat helpsyou on your own journey.
(17:06):
If you are trying to get into Aschool, this is very, very
relevant to you picking a careerand like feeling really
confident that okay, I'm gonnawant to be a CAA forever.
Like there's this huge upfrontinvestment.
And then how do you ensureyourself that you're gonna love
it forever?
And um while I do tell everypre-AA like it's totally worth
(17:28):
it, this profession is the bomb.
Like there is grief in knowingthat you could do all this work
and not get in, or you could doall this work and not love it
the way that I love it, or theway that you think you're gonna
love it, and that's okay.
Like you have to choosesomething and move forward and
let the all the other optionsgo.
And at the end, you're gonnaknow, or you'll have a great
(17:50):
career for 20 years and thenpivot, like I've been doing, you
know, out of the OR full time.
Um, and it's just thatacceptance of the grief, I
think, that really tripped me upfor years and years.
And knowing that life hasseasons for everything has
really helped me move forward,even though that grief is still
(18:10):
there, but it moved forward in away that I can still feel good.
So, all right, thank you so muchfor being here again.
Tune in on Wednesdays for theseshorter wellness Wednesdays.
I loved this little setup.
I loved kind of feeling reallygood and comfortable with you
all.
So let me know how you likethese Wellness Wednesday
(18:31):
episodes and if you there'sanother topic that you want to
talk about.
Um, also, these are really closeto the type of connection and
sharing that we do in MindfulConnections, which is a free
60-minute virtual communitygathering for anyone in the CAA
community.
So pre-AAs, SAAs, and CAAs.
(18:51):
We in season five, so they runalongside the podcast, like
every season of the podcast.
And in season five, our big, bigtheme is getting into the
driver's seat of your life.
We've already discussed topicslike jealousy and finances.
And so I really encourage you tosign up.
You'll see me like kind ofblasting them on my website and
(19:13):
Instagram, but they're a reallygreat way to just have really
honest, authentic conversationsjust like this inside the CAA
community where people get youand understand what you're going
through.
And you can just show up as youare and have a great
conversation and then just kindof go about your way.
So, anyways, these episodes aremy heart, and I hope you all are
(19:35):
enjoying them.
So, all right, I'll talk soon.
Thanks for listening to AwakenedAnesthetist.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with a CAA friend,
an AA student in your life, or aperspective, and let them know
why you loved it.
It's the most important thingyou can do to support this
podcast and its mission.
(19:56):
You can always find more ways toconnect with me and this CAA
community atawakenedanesthetist.com,
including an invitation to joinseason five Mindful Connections.
These are free virtualgatherings open to anyone in our
Awakened Anesthetist community.
And while you're scrolling thewebsite, check out my trusted
(20:18):
CAA partners who make thispodcast possible with a special
thank you to my season fivesponsor, Harmony Anesthesia
Staffing.
Talk soon.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.