July 10, 2025 • 27 mins
Boundary-setting can feel like betrayal when you've been raised in a culture where family needs always come first. That guilt you feel when saying "no"? It's not just you — it's generations of conditioning that equates self-care with selfishness.
Drawing from personal experiences as a first-generation Mexicana, this episode dives into the messy reality of establishing healthy limits in Latino families. From the husband who interrupts work meetings to the late-night friend calls that drain your energy, we explore the everyday moments where boundaries become essential. You'll learn why statements like "la familia es primero" and "no seas egoista" make saying no feel impossible, and how these cultural expectations can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and disconnection from your authentic self.
Beyond cultural insights, this episode offers practical tools you can implement immediately. Discover ready-to-use boundary scripts for different relationships, signs your body is begging for boundaries, and a guided meditation to release the guilt that often accompanies self-protection. Through personal stories of boundary successes and failures, you'll see how setting limits isn't about pushing people away—it's about creating the conditions for more authentic connection.
Whether you're struggling with work-life boundaries, family obligations, or friendships that leave you depleted, this conversation reminds you that "aquí estoy, pero hasta aquí llego" (I am here, but this is my limit). Your needs are valid, your voice matters, and contrary to what you might have been taught, boundaries aren't selfish—they're sacred acts of self-love that benefit everyone in your life.
Email: dora@dorapraxedis.com
Follow Dora on Instagram @dpraxedis
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Check out the website: www.dorapraxedis.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dora (00:06):
Hola, hola, mi gente querida, Welcome back to.
Ay Mijita.
Soy Dora Alicia Praxedis,intuitive healer, life coach,
and your guide on this journeyto sanar wounds, embrace nuestra
cultura y reclaim our trueselves.
Today we're diving intosomething super important but
often, hella, uncomfortablesetting boundaries sin guilt.
(00:28):
We'll talk about why boundariesfeel so hard, especially in
nuestra cultura, the myths wecarry about saying no.
Como reconocer where you needlimites, practical scripts you
can use with your loved ones andat work and professionally, and
my own messy journey oflearning to set boundaries
(00:50):
because, trust me, I've beenthere.
So ponte comfortable and let'sget into it.
Hola, hola, and welcome to AyMijita, embracing your roots.
I'm your host, Dora AliciaPraxedis, intuitive healer, life
(01:11):
coach, mamá, hija hermana yproud first-gen mexicana doing
the deeper inner work to breakgenerational cycles and
reconnect with my true self.
This podcast is pa' ti.
Who's ever asked yourself whyam I like this?
Because deep down, you knowthere's more to your story than
just survival.
Here we dive into the messy,the magical, the medicine of
(01:34):
healing, from inner child workto energetic limpias, astrology
to ancestral wisdom, humandesign to hard boundaries.
I share my lived experiences,spiritual tools and teachable
moments, all with corazón yhonestidad.
So grab your cafecito tecito orthat bubbly drink you love and
let's get into today's episode,porque tu historia, tu voz y tu
(01:57):
healing matter.
So what are boundaries?
Boundaries are basically theinvisible fences around our time
, energy, body and heart.
Pero, growing up in Latinoculture, sometimes we're taught
(02:17):
that saying no is disrespectfulor even selfish.
So let me tell you a quickstory.
I normally work from home, mynine to five, and my husband
used to have this habit ofcoming up to me every time he
needed something, and hewouldn't necessarily know if I
was in a meeting or not.
Most of the time I would cavein because I didn't want to
(02:39):
argue and I would tell him okay,I'll help you.
But there came a moment in timewhere I'm in a meeting, my eyes
are glued to the screen and myhusband comes up to me hey me,
puedes ayudar con esto?
And I did not budge, I did notmove from the screen.
I was in a meeting, I washosting it, and he felt super
ignored because I did ignore him.
(03:00):
I then later had to have aconversation with him and tell
him that the talora, talora.
So when I'm in a meeting, fromthis time to that time I
wouldn't be bothered because I'min a meeting and he needs to
learn to respect that.
And of course, I felt superguilty for ignoring him.
And he felt super salty too,because he was being ignored and
(03:23):
he needed something and, unlessit's super urgent, but ordering
something, let's say, online,could wait.
It wasn't such an urgency, butthat's where I started realizing
that I needed to pause and askmyself like I need to stop
having this guilt trip andchoose myself first and what is
(03:45):
needed in this given moment.
Part of that is also I need toset boundaries right, time and
space, having that honestconversation.
Even though you see me workingat home and you see me at my
desk, I am in a meeting and mostof the time I'm video camera on
.
So it makes it even that moreawkward.
(04:06):
When I'm in a meeting and I,you know, kind of deviate from
the screen, my eye contact isdisconnected for a while because
somebody else is talking to me.
Fortunately, my husband wasable to understand and it took a
while because it wasn'timmediate that he was able to
catch on, but that was that isjust one example in my day today
of a boundary that Iestablished with a loved one.
(04:28):
So why does saying no, feel sofreaking hard.
For most people, especially thefirst-gen Latinos or people of
color, we are taught to putfamily first, siempre, like you
have to drop everything in orderto help out your family.
(04:49):
Right, like I would always getthe how come you're helping your
friend when your family needsit most?
And then, which leads to.
We often carry this guilt if wechoose ourselves and we're also
guilted and shamed by ourfamily members and loved ones
that they should be moreimportant, or your family, your
(05:10):
kids.
If you are a parent, siempre lacasa es primero, which I
totally get Like house should befirst, but sometimes within
your own house, you should befirst.
Right, you should be okay.
Consequently, then we confuseboundaries with just being
selfish.
Te tachan de oh, ya, eresegoísta, you're ego, you think
(05:31):
you're muy, muy and it's okay tounplug.
Growing up, I felt like I had tobe la hija perfecta.
I was the big sister, thetranslator, the mediator, and
saying no felt impossible.
I'm sure there was a time whenyou felt obligated to say yes,
even though your soul wasscreaming no, and we need to
(05:52):
honor those moments and not tryto override our own intuition,
our own knowing that something'snot right or you know your
body's lighting up like aChristmas tree because it's a
hell.
No, boundaries aren't justabout saying no, hay muchos
tipos.
Physical, like who touches youor enters your personal space.
(06:14):
Emotional topics you're willingto or not to discuss your time
and energy, like how much youcan give before you're empty and
running on low Spiritually,your beliefs, your rituals, tus
limpias, if you incorporate them.
Here's a personal one.
(06:35):
There was a time where Iovershared something with one of
my good friends and that'swhere I had to kind of stop
myself.
One day.
I just said thanks for asking,but I like to keep that private
and, honestly, it felt so goodLike I reclaimed a piece of
myself back instead of giving mypower away.
(06:56):
You know when to trust someoneand when not to, so that's
something you need to honor,right.
And if you get this kind of likeick feeling with someone that
you're like, oh, I'm not goingto share this with them because
they're going to probably like,share my chisme, that's where
you just keep it at that, right,very short, less is more, and
(07:20):
just be open to that personmight share with someone else
and that's perfectly fine withyou, right?
You need to be okay with thestuff you can't control and you
can't control how others kind ofshare that information, even
though you probably said don'tshare this with anybody.
O te estoy diciendo enconfianza.
But at times you know they'renot going to honor it.
So when I'm sharing I know thatit's probably going to get out
(07:44):
and there's no way around it.
So that's where I again, it'sless is more right.
Just keep it to yourself orkeep it at a minimum what you
share.
So which one of these boundariesis the hardest for you?
Is it physically that you needto kind of keep your bubble
emotionally, where you're?
You know there's some certainsubjects you don't want to talk
(08:05):
about, or time and energy on?
You know how, where you're, youknow there's some certain
subjects you don't want to talkabout.
Or time and energy on?
You know how much time you'respending on certain things, or
where you give that away.
Right, because some people saytime is money.
Right, and you can do so muchwith your time and we have
limited time and energy.
Or spiritually, where that'swhere you kind of carve out that
sacred space.
Now let's talk cultura.
(08:28):
In our community we hear, as Imentioned before, la familia es
primero que van a decir no seasegoista.
So we internalize that sayingno equals hurting those we love.
But here's la verdad Boundariesaren't walls, they're bridges
(08:59):
to healthier relationships.
For a few months and it didn'tcome to me naturally, but
talking over it with my husbandI realized that I wanted to see
my mom happy and have her bestinterest, and so I did tell my
mom that I needed my time andspace in order to help process
everything.
I always thought that marriageshad to hang on together, right,
(09:22):
like do or die.
You always have to be with yourpareja, regardless of the
circumstances, and that was atough one for me to navigate
with my mom and my dad, becauseI ended up siding with my mom
and she came to live with us forabout 12 years and we lived
together and we were goingthrough ups and downs, right,
(09:43):
and there was times where,living under the same household
with my mom for that time shewas the grandma and my husband
and I were parents and therewould be this contradiction on
how to parent our child.
And eventually, when myyoungest came along, that's
where their relationship wasdifferent.
Right, because they saw eachother daily, and when my husband
(10:07):
and I, we would have our ownissues, my mom would be like oh,
you know, you can do this onyour own and I support you and I
totally got that support frommy mom.
But then again it's like layingdown this boundary that my
marriage is my marriage and I dolove my husband and we're going
to work through this.
But yeah, did it get super ugly, super fail?
Obviously yeah, and it coulddefinitely get very complicated
(10:31):
when you have multi-generationsliving under a household.
So my mom has her way of seeingthings, my husband and I have
our way of seeing things, mykids have their way of viewing
the world and their opinions,and they do matter, right, but
it's just very different dynamicwhen you have all these
different people at the tableand living under a household to
(10:54):
manage.
So think of a situation whereyou felt pressured por la
familia.
Ask yourself was I honoring myown needs or just avoiding the
guilt?
Ask yourself, was I honoring myown needs or just avoiding the
guilt?
Sometimes we don't even realizewe're boundary-less.
Aquí te dejo unas señales.
You feel resentful, drained oranxious around certain people.
(11:16):
You say yes, then secretly hopethey cancel.
You avoid answering calls ortexts because you dread the
requests or you feel responsiblefor others' feelings my dad,
when he was sick from heartdisease.
I became everyone's emotionalsupport my mom, my sisters,
family, friends.
I thought it was my duty, butoh guess what, I was exhausted.
(11:39):
It wasn't until my bodyliterally gave out, when I threw
my back out, that I realized ifI don't create boundaries, my
body will create them for me.
Has your body ever forced youto slow down because you didn't
set boundaries?
I'd love to hear your story onthat, if you want to message me.
Let's bust some myths.
Myth number one boundaries aremean.
(12:02):
Nope, they're respectful.
They protect your energy andrelationships.
Actually, myth number two ifthey're mad at you, you did
something wrong, not true.
People might get upset when youchange patterns.
That doesn't mean you're wrong,though I would tend to
internalize this and I thought,like, for example, with my
husband, like when he seems likehe's mad, although he just is
(12:26):
the way he is.
I would think, oh my God, quehice Like hice, algo mal.
Like I didn't clean enough, Ididn't do this enough, and
instead of it being on me, it'slike maybe nothing was wrong at
all.
Myth number three boundariesequal cutting people off.
Well, sometimes boundaries meanless contact, other times it
(12:47):
just means more clarity, andespecially when you communicate
those things out to individuals,especially if you don't have
the bandwidth for their energy,that'd be negative.
Or if they're always kind ofcomplaining about life and that
and if you're not having itabout life and that and if
you're not having it, then youdon't necessarily have to cut
them off.
You just have to kind ofdistance yourself a bit.
I once set a boundary with afriend who always drama dumped
(13:12):
on me without asking and I saidI care about you.
Can you ask me first if I havespace to listen to this?
She was shocked at first, butnow she checks in before
unloading.
Our friendship is so muchhealthier for it.
I mean, there are times and I'min the mood for a good chisme.
So I appreciate that she nowasks, and we have that common
(13:37):
ground before we're starting aconversation.
Now, if you have a pen and paper, you can write this down or you
can think on a boundary you'dlove to set but have been scared
to.
Imagínate how peaceful you'dfeel if you did.
Okay, let's get practical.
Aquí te doy some boundaryscripts.
(13:58):
I appreciate you asking, but Ican't help right now.
I'm not comfortable talkingabout that.
I need time to think about it.
I'm not available this weekend,but I hope it goes well Now.
I've used these quite a bit,actually, and that's where what
(14:22):
comes to mind is one of myfriends.
She used to call me really lateat night just to vent, and I
was exhausted, to be honest, Ijust wanted to go to sleep, but
I'd pick up anyway.
You know, I thought, oh, she'sgoing through a crisis.
You know, algo está pasando.
You know just me.
And then one day I said I loveyou, honey, but I need to sleep.
Can we talk earlier in the next?
(14:43):
You know, the next day, and shewas surprised, but she
respected my decision.
So that's where I created thatsafe, safe boundary with her.
There's not rejection, there'sclarity.
Now, think of a person in yourlife and write a boundary script
that you'd say to them, ofcourse coming from a place of
(15:04):
love and compassion, andpractice it in the mirror.
Look at yourself, tu chula self, and just pretend that you're
looking at them in their eyesand say, hey, you know, I
appreciate everything that youdo for me and I know it comes
from love, but I can't right now, or you have the ability to say
(15:26):
okay, déjame pensarlo, I'llcome back to you and I'll let
you know a time or a date oranother one is let me check with
the family, like I'll let youknow.
It's like saying no withoutsaying no, but then also giving
you that liberty to kind ofleave it open-ended, right To
come back if it's something thatis aligned with you.
(15:47):
Let's keep it real.
Even when you set a boundary,guilt shows up.
Why, por qué?
We're afraid of disappointingpeople, that's for sure For me.
That's definitely number onefor me.
Or we feel responsible foreveryone's feelings, like is
this going to be taken the wrongway?
(16:08):
Or how is this going to landright that I tell them no or I
need to, you know, kind offigure out what's best for me.
Or we've been conditioned tobelieve self-care is selfish or
super egoista.
For the longest time I've beenthe hustler at work, working
long hours, making sure I get itall done, and I felt guilty
(16:31):
saying no to extra projects atwork and I worried what if they
think I'm lazy?
And that's one of them that Ialways wanted to be kind of, the
one to get everything doneright Even though I had to put
myself through hell, and one toget everything done right Even
though I had to put myselfthrough hell and back, working
long hours, getting up superearly.
I remember one time I would getup at five in the morning just
to work on it, and then I wouldwork all day and into the long
(16:53):
hours of the night, like two,three in the morning, just to
get it done right, meet thatdeadline.
And I felt so good at it atdoing those things.
But I didn't sleep, I didn'teat.
Sometimes I neglected my family, and so now I started saying
I'm at capacity right now, butthanks for thinking of me, and
that's one thing that I valuemyself, my time and how I split
(17:18):
it up between my family, my workand all the other things that I
do.
And because I respect myself,people respected me more and
guess what?
They found someone else to help.
I didn't have to do it all thetime, or after all.
And so next time you feelguilty, ask yourself is this
guilt or is this growth Like,sit with yourself and ask that.
(17:41):
See what comes up.
So, circling back on this guiltand why we feel it, why do we
feel guilty setting boundaries?
Porque desde chiquitosescuchamos.
Things like family comes first.
Don't be selfish.
God is watching.
I became a little mom to mysisters at five years old and I
(18:02):
remember thinking, if I'm useful, maybe they'll love me more.
That pattern followed me intoadulthood.
Even when I'm exhausted, Iwould say yes.
My healing started when Irealized I don't have to suffer
to be worthy of love.
And so pause and reflect.
Does this land somehow for you?
(18:22):
Do you feel more valuable whenyou're helping everyone else or
just being yourself?
Now, boundaries look differentdepending on the relationship.
So let's talk familia and workWith familia.
Like telling your mom I loveyou, but I'm not available to
(18:43):
talk every day or at every hour,that you want to kind of call
me right Just out of the blue.
Or you tell your siblings Ican't loan you money right now,
and maybe it is like hearingthem out a bit.
Or it's just saying yeah, notat this moment.
And knowing myself, I wouldprobably ask.
Like it's just saying yeah, notat this moment.
And knowing myself, I wouldprobably ask like I'm not your
ATM?
Well, you would think thatright in your head.
(19:04):
But that's where you want tomake sure you're fine first,
before you are able to tap intoyour own resources Now with work
(19:25):
, telling your boss, for example, I'm happy to help but I'll
need to move this deadline.
And when it comes to with yourcoworkers, you could tell them
I'm not available after 5pm.
So there was a time where Iremember I took my daughter,
jocelyn, with me to work and Iremember code switching so hard
at work.
So when I she would tell methat once I walked through the
door of the office I'd be laprofesional Dora, even if I was
(19:49):
struggling, until one day I saidI'm not taking on extra work
right now, like I really need tofocus on myself, my health, my
wellness, like my train ofthought, my focus, and that was
huge for me.
It felt terrifying but soliberating when I was able to do
that for myself and stand upfor myself and to assess and
(20:12):
become aware of that codeswitching that I was doing.
So think about one boundary youwould love to set at work.
Write the script, practice itAgain.
You can practice it in themirror and maybe you'll find
that liberating sense of reliefonce you go through those
motions and dig a little deeperthere.
(20:33):
Setting boundaries changes yourrelationships.
Y a veces duele.
It hurts a lot deeply.
So here are a few more scriptedboundary phrases that you can
use right now With family.
You can say I love you, pero nopuedo ir esta vez.
Necesito recargar energía.
So I love you, but I can't gothis time.
(20:55):
I need to recharge my energyWith partners.
You can say I care about you,but I need some alone time With
friends.
You can say I'm not availablefor that day, but can we talk
another day.
At work, you can say I'm acapacity right now.
Let's revisit this next week.
So at my job, my boss once saidcan you take this urgent task?
(21:20):
And I said I'm fully bookedtoday, but let's schedule it for
Monday.
And it worked Nobody exploded,I didn't get fired Like I was
fine.
So which phrase feels thehardest to say?
I dare you to screenshot it andkeep it on your phone.
That way you have really quickaccess to it.
(21:41):
Here are tools that help memaintain boundaries.
A grounding breath such as Iinhale peace, I exhale guilt.
A mantra such as a no makesspace for my true yes.
You could try a visualizationI'm surrounded by a golden
(22:05):
bubble protecting my energy.
Or my favorite limpias Ifsomeone crossed your boundary,
do a limpia with the herbs or aquartz.
Now I'm going to take thisopportunity to do a quick mini
ritual with you.
So if you're not driving, youcan go ahead and close your eyes
and if not, you can take apause and we can revisit this at
(22:27):
a later time.
Now take a deep breath in andexhale slowly.
Inhale.
Visualize white light pouringover your body, cleansing away
(22:52):
guilt and obligations thataren't yours.
Now repeat in your mind Irelease guilt.
I honor my energy.
(23:12):
I am safe to set boundaries.
Now breathe three more timeswith that intention I release, I
honor my energy.
(23:35):
I am safe to set boundaries.
I release guilt.
I honor my energy.
I am safe to set boundaries.
(24:01):
I release guilt.
I honor my energy.
I am safe to set boundaries.
Deep inhale in and big, longexhale out.
(24:33):
Put your hand on your corazón,your heart, inhala, inhale and
exhale.
And repeat after me my needsare valid, my voice matters.
(24:58):
I am safe to say no.
Now take a deep breath, releaseit and feel your energy come
back to you.
So I know you're probablythinking I have questions and
(25:25):
let me get through some of thepreguntas you're probably having
.
Number one what if my familycalls me selfish for saying no?
You can answer back by sayingand repeating calmly it's not
rejection, it's me choosingself-love.
Number two what do I do ifpeople keep crossing my
(25:47):
boundaries?
Boundaries are words plusactions.
You can say something like ifthis keeps happening, I'll need
some distance.
I invite you to send me a voicenote telling me how you set
boundaries this week.
I'd love to share some storiesin the future episodes.
(26:10):
Boundaries are an act of loveFor yourself y también for
others.
So remember your esencia essagrada.
You deserve to honor it Already, amores míos, boundaries aren't
selfish, they're self-love, andI always want you to remember
this aquí estoy, pero hasta aquíllego.
You don't owe anyone anexplanation for your limits.
(26:32):
Solo tienes que honrarlos.
And if you're ready for deeperwork, you know this is what I do
con amor.
So next week we'll explore anddive into reconnecting with your
authentic self, especialmenteas we are torn between familia,
trabajo, work, community andcultura, all the voices and
(26:55):
expectations from the external.
We'll discover how to come backand center yourself even more
deeply.
So nos vemos pronto.
Gracias por acompañarme, cariño.
I hope this episode offered youa moment of connection with your
story, your ancestors, or maybeeven a part of yourself.
(27:16):
You've forgotten with yourstory, your ancestors, or maybe
even a part of yourself.
You've forgotten.
Remember, healing isn't linear.
Sometimes it's a whisper, aboundary, a quiet no mas.
Other times it's a breakthroughthat shifts everything.
Whatever it is for you today,honor it.
You're not alone on this path.
If this episode resonated,please share it with an hermana
hermano a prima.
Please share it with an hermanahermano, a prima, primo or a
(27:40):
comadre who needs to hear it too.
Leave a review, hit, subscribe,and let's keep building this
healing comunidad together.
Till next time, keep embracingyour raices, reclaiming your
esencia and walking your path Padentro y pa afuera.
Hola, hola, mi gente querida, Welcome back to.
Ay Mijita.
Soy Dora Alicia Praxedis,intuitive healer, life coach,
and your guide on this journeyto sanar wounds, embrace nuestra
cultura y reclaim our trueselves.
Today we're diving intosomething super important but
often, hella, uncomfortablesetting boundaries sin guilt.
(00:28):
We'll talk about why boundariesfeel so hard, especially in
nuestra cultura, the myths wecarry about saying no.
Como reconocer where you needlimites, practical scripts you
can use with your loved ones andat work and professionally, and
my own messy journey oflearning to set boundaries
(00:50):
because, trust me, I've beenthere.
So ponte comfortable and let'sget into it.
Hola, hola, and welcome to AyMijita, embracing your roots.
I'm your host, Dora AliciaPraxedis, intuitive healer, life
(01:11):
coach, mamá, hija hermana yproud first-gen mexicana doing
the deeper inner work to breakgenerational cycles and
reconnect with my true self.
This podcast is pa' ti.
Who's ever asked yourself whyam I like this?
Because deep down, you knowthere's more to your story than
just survival.
Here we dive into the messy,the magical, the medicine of
(01:34):
healing, from inner child workto energetic limpias, astrology
to ancestral wisdom, humandesign to hard boundaries.
I share my lived experiences,spiritual tools and teachable
moments, all with corazón yhonestidad.
So grab your cafecito tecito orthat bubbly drink you love and
let's get into today's episode,porque tu historia, tu voz y tu
(01:57):
healing matter.
So what are boundaries?
Boundaries are basically theinvisible fences around our time
, energy, body and heart.
Pero, growing up in Latinoculture, sometimes we're taught
(02:17):
that saying no is disrespectfulor even selfish.
So let me tell you a quickstory.
I normally work from home, mynine to five, and my husband
used to have this habit ofcoming up to me every time he
needed something, and hewouldn't necessarily know if I
was in a meeting or not.
Most of the time I would cavein because I didn't want to
(02:39):
argue and I would tell him okay,I'll help you.
But there came a moment in timewhere I'm in a meeting, my eyes
are glued to the screen and myhusband comes up to me hey me,
puedes ayudar con esto?
And I did not budge, I did notmove from the screen.
I was in a meeting, I washosting it, and he felt super
ignored because I did ignore him.
(03:00):
I then later had to have aconversation with him and tell
him that the talora, talora.
So when I'm in a meeting, fromthis time to that time I
wouldn't be bothered because I'min a meeting and he needs to
learn to respect that.
And of course, I felt superguilty for ignoring him.
And he felt super salty too,because he was being ignored and
(03:23):
he needed something and, unlessit's super urgent, but ordering
something, let's say, online,could wait.
It wasn't such an urgency, butthat's where I started realizing
that I needed to pause and askmyself like I need to stop
having this guilt trip andchoose myself first and what is
(03:45):
needed in this given moment.
Part of that is also I need toset boundaries right, time and
space, having that honestconversation.
Even though you see me workingat home and you see me at my
desk, I am in a meeting and mostof the time I'm video camera on
.
So it makes it even that moreawkward.
(04:06):
When I'm in a meeting and I,you know, kind of deviate from
the screen, my eye contact isdisconnected for a while because
somebody else is talking to me.
Fortunately, my husband wasable to understand and it took a
while because it wasn'timmediate that he was able to
catch on, but that was that isjust one example in my day today
of a boundary that Iestablished with a loved one.
(04:28):
So why does saying no, feel sofreaking hard.
For most people, especially thefirst-gen Latinos or people of
color, we are taught to putfamily first, siempre, like you
have to drop everything in orderto help out your family.
(04:49):
Right, like I would always getthe how come you're helping your
friend when your family needsit most?
And then, which leads to.
We often carry this guilt if wechoose ourselves and we're also
guilted and shamed by ourfamily members and loved ones
that they should be moreimportant, or your family, your
(05:10):
kids.
If you are a parent, siempre lacasa es primero, which I
totally get Like house should befirst, but sometimes within
your own house, you should befirst.
Right, you should be okay.
Consequently, then we confuseboundaries with just being
selfish.
Te tachan de oh, ya, eresegoísta, you're ego, you think
(05:31):
you're muy, muy and it's okay tounplug.
Growing up, I felt like I had tobe la hija perfecta.
I was the big sister, thetranslator, the mediator, and
saying no felt impossible.
I'm sure there was a time whenyou felt obligated to say yes,
even though your soul wasscreaming no, and we need to
(05:52):
honor those moments and not tryto override our own intuition,
our own knowing that something'snot right or you know your
body's lighting up like aChristmas tree because it's a
hell.
No, boundaries aren't justabout saying no, hay muchos
tipos.
Physical, like who touches youor enters your personal space.
(06:14):
Emotional topics you're willingto or not to discuss your time
and energy, like how much youcan give before you're empty and
running on low Spiritually,your beliefs, your rituals, tus
limpias, if you incorporate them.
Here's a personal one.
(06:35):
There was a time where Iovershared something with one of
my good friends and that'swhere I had to kind of stop
myself.
One day.
I just said thanks for asking,but I like to keep that private
and, honestly, it felt so goodLike I reclaimed a piece of
myself back instead of giving mypower away.
(06:56):
You know when to trust someoneand when not to, so that's
something you need to honor,right.
And if you get this kind of likeick feeling with someone that
you're like, oh, I'm not goingto share this with them because
they're going to probably like,share my chisme, that's where
you just keep it at that, right,very short, less is more, and
(07:20):
just be open to that personmight share with someone else
and that's perfectly fine withyou, right?
You need to be okay with thestuff you can't control and you
can't control how others kind ofshare that information, even
though you probably said don'tshare this with anybody.
O te estoy diciendo enconfianza.
But at times you know they'renot going to honor it.
So when I'm sharing I know thatit's probably going to get out
(07:44):
and there's no way around it.
So that's where I again, it'sless is more right.
Just keep it to yourself orkeep it at a minimum what you
share.
So which one of these boundariesis the hardest for you?
Is it physically that you needto kind of keep your bubble
emotionally, where you're?
You know there's some certainsubjects you don't want to talk
(08:05):
about, or time and energy on?
You know how, where you're, youknow there's some certain
subjects you don't want to talkabout.
Or time and energy on?
You know how much time you'respending on certain things, or
where you give that away.
Right, because some people saytime is money.
Right, and you can do so muchwith your time and we have
limited time and energy.
Or spiritually, where that'swhere you kind of carve out that
sacred space.
Now let's talk cultura.
(08:28):
In our community we hear, as Imentioned before, la familia es
primero que van a decir no seasegoista.
So we internalize that sayingno equals hurting those we love.
But here's la verdad Boundariesaren't walls, they're bridges
(08:59):
to healthier relationships.
For a few months and it didn'tcome to me naturally, but
talking over it with my husbandI realized that I wanted to see
my mom happy and have her bestinterest, and so I did tell my
mom that I needed my time andspace in order to help process
everything.
I always thought that marriageshad to hang on together, right,
(09:22):
like do or die.
You always have to be with yourpareja, regardless of the
circumstances, and that was atough one for me to navigate
with my mom and my dad, becauseI ended up siding with my mom
and she came to live with us forabout 12 years and we lived
together and we were goingthrough ups and downs, right,
(09:43):
and there was times where,living under the same household
with my mom for that time shewas the grandma and my husband
and I were parents and therewould be this contradiction on
how to parent our child.
And eventually, when myyoungest came along, that's
where their relationship wasdifferent.
Right, because they saw eachother daily, and when my husband
(10:07):
and I, we would have our ownissues, my mom would be like oh,
you know, you can do this onyour own and I support you and I
totally got that support frommy mom.
But then again it's like layingdown this boundary that my
marriage is my marriage and I dolove my husband and we're going
to work through this.
But yeah, did it get super ugly, super fail?
Obviously yeah, and it coulddefinitely get very complicated
(10:31):
when you have multi-generationsliving under a household.
So my mom has her way of seeingthings, my husband and I have
our way of seeing things, mykids have their way of viewing
the world and their opinions,and they do matter, right, but
it's just very different dynamicwhen you have all these
different people at the tableand living under a household to
(10:54):
manage.
So think of a situation whereyou felt pressured por la
familia.
Ask yourself was I honoring myown needs or just avoiding the
guilt?
Ask yourself, was I honoring myown needs or just avoiding the
guilt?
Sometimes we don't even realizewe're boundary-less.
Aquí te dejo unas señales.
You feel resentful, drained oranxious around certain people.
(11:16):
You say yes, then secretly hopethey cancel.
You avoid answering calls ortexts because you dread the
requests or you feel responsiblefor others' feelings my dad,
when he was sick from heartdisease.
I became everyone's emotionalsupport my mom, my sisters,
family, friends.
I thought it was my duty, butoh guess what, I was exhausted.
(11:39):
It wasn't until my bodyliterally gave out, when I threw
my back out, that I realized ifI don't create boundaries, my
body will create them for me.
Has your body ever forced youto slow down because you didn't
set boundaries?
I'd love to hear your story onthat, if you want to message me.
Let's bust some myths.
Myth number one boundaries aremean.
(12:02):
Nope, they're respectful.
They protect your energy andrelationships.
Actually, myth number two ifthey're mad at you, you did
something wrong, not true.
People might get upset when youchange patterns.
That doesn't mean you're wrong,though I would tend to
internalize this and I thought,like, for example, with my
husband, like when he seems likehe's mad, although he just is
(12:26):
the way he is.
I would think, oh my God, quehice Like hice, algo mal.
Like I didn't clean enough, Ididn't do this enough, and
instead of it being on me, it'slike maybe nothing was wrong at
all.
Myth number three boundariesequal cutting people off.
Well, sometimes boundaries meanless contact, other times it
(12:47):
just means more clarity, andespecially when you communicate
those things out to individuals,especially if you don't have
the bandwidth for their energy,that'd be negative.
Or if they're always kind ofcomplaining about life and that
and if you're not having itabout life and that and if
you're not having it, then youdon't necessarily have to cut
them off.
You just have to kind ofdistance yourself a bit.
I once set a boundary with afriend who always drama dumped
(13:12):
on me without asking and I saidI care about you.
Can you ask me first if I havespace to listen to this?
She was shocked at first, butnow she checks in before
unloading.
Our friendship is so muchhealthier for it.
I mean, there are times and I'min the mood for a good chisme.
So I appreciate that she nowasks, and we have that common
(13:37):
ground before we're starting aconversation.
Now, if you have a pen and paper, you can write this down or you
can think on a boundary you'dlove to set but have been scared
to.
Imagínate how peaceful you'dfeel if you did.
Okay, let's get practical.
Aquí te doy some boundaryscripts.
(13:58):
I appreciate you asking, but Ican't help right now.
I'm not comfortable talkingabout that.
I need time to think about it.
I'm not available this weekend,but I hope it goes well Now.
I've used these quite a bit,actually, and that's where what
(14:22):
comes to mind is one of myfriends.
She used to call me really lateat night just to vent, and I
was exhausted, to be honest, Ijust wanted to go to sleep, but
I'd pick up anyway.
You know, I thought, oh, she'sgoing through a crisis.
You know, algo está pasando.
You know just me.
And then one day I said I loveyou, honey, but I need to sleep.
Can we talk earlier in the next?
(14:43):
You know, the next day, and shewas surprised, but she
respected my decision.
So that's where I created thatsafe, safe boundary with her.
There's not rejection, there'sclarity.
Now, think of a person in yourlife and write a boundary script
that you'd say to them, ofcourse coming from a place of
(15:04):
love and compassion, andpractice it in the mirror.
Look at yourself, tu chula self, and just pretend that you're
looking at them in their eyesand say, hey, you know, I
appreciate everything that youdo for me and I know it comes
from love, but I can't right now, or you have the ability to say
(15:26):
okay, déjame pensarlo, I'llcome back to you and I'll let
you know a time or a date oranother one is let me check with
the family, like I'll let youknow.
It's like saying no withoutsaying no, but then also giving
you that liberty to kind ofleave it open-ended, right To
come back if it's something thatis aligned with you.
(15:47):
Let's keep it real.
Even when you set a boundary,guilt shows up.
Why, por qué?
We're afraid of disappointingpeople, that's for sure For me.
That's definitely number onefor me.
Or we feel responsible foreveryone's feelings, like is
this going to be taken the wrongway?
(16:08):
Or how is this going to landright that I tell them no or I
need to, you know, kind offigure out what's best for me.
Or we've been conditioned tobelieve self-care is selfish or
super egoista.
For the longest time I've beenthe hustler at work, working
long hours, making sure I get itall done, and I felt guilty
(16:31):
saying no to extra projects atwork and I worried what if they
think I'm lazy?
And that's one of them that Ialways wanted to be kind of, the
one to get everything doneright Even though I had to put
myself through hell, and one toget everything done right Even
though I had to put myselfthrough hell and back, working
long hours, getting up superearly.
I remember one time I would getup at five in the morning just
to work on it, and then I wouldwork all day and into the long
(16:53):
hours of the night, like two,three in the morning, just to
get it done right, meet thatdeadline.
And I felt so good at it atdoing those things.
But I didn't sleep, I didn'teat.
Sometimes I neglected my family, and so now I started saying
I'm at capacity right now, butthanks for thinking of me, and
that's one thing that I valuemyself, my time and how I split
(17:18):
it up between my family, my workand all the other things that I
do.
And because I respect myself,people respected me more and
guess what?
They found someone else to help.
I didn't have to do it all thetime, or after all.
And so next time you feelguilty, ask yourself is this
guilt or is this growth Like,sit with yourself and ask that.
(17:41):
See what comes up.
So, circling back on this guiltand why we feel it, why do we
feel guilty setting boundaries?
Porque desde chiquitosescuchamos.
Things like family comes first.
Don't be selfish.
God is watching.
I became a little mom to mysisters at five years old and I
(18:02):
remember thinking, if I'm useful, maybe they'll love me more.
That pattern followed me intoadulthood.
Even when I'm exhausted, Iwould say yes.
My healing started when Irealized I don't have to suffer
to be worthy of love.
And so pause and reflect.
Does this land somehow for you?
(18:22):
Do you feel more valuable whenyou're helping everyone else or
just being yourself?
Now, boundaries look differentdepending on the relationship.
So let's talk familia and workWith familia.
Like telling your mom I loveyou, but I'm not available to
(18:43):
talk every day or at every hour,that you want to kind of call
me right Just out of the blue.
Or you tell your siblings Ican't loan you money right now,
and maybe it is like hearingthem out a bit.
Or it's just saying yeah, notat this moment.
And knowing myself, I wouldprobably ask.
Like it's just saying yeah, notat this moment.
And knowing myself, I wouldprobably ask like I'm not your
ATM?
Well, you would think thatright in your head.
(19:04):
But that's where you want tomake sure you're fine first,
before you are able to tap intoyour own resources Now with work
(19:25):
, telling your boss, for example, I'm happy to help but I'll
need to move this deadline.
And when it comes to with yourcoworkers, you could tell them
I'm not available after 5pm.
So there was a time where Iremember I took my daughter,
jocelyn, with me to work and Iremember code switching so hard
at work.
So when I she would tell methat once I walked through the
door of the office I'd be laprofesional Dora, even if I was
(19:49):
struggling, until one day I saidI'm not taking on extra work
right now, like I really need tofocus on myself, my health, my
wellness, like my train ofthought, my focus, and that was
huge for me.
It felt terrifying but soliberating when I was able to do
that for myself and stand upfor myself and to assess and
(20:12):
become aware of that codeswitching that I was doing.
So think about one boundary youwould love to set at work.
Write the script, practice itAgain.
You can practice it in themirror and maybe you'll find
that liberating sense of reliefonce you go through those
motions and dig a little deeperthere.
(20:33):
Setting boundaries changes yourrelationships.
Y a veces duele.
It hurts a lot deeply.
So here are a few more scriptedboundary phrases that you can
use right now With family.
You can say I love you, pero nopuedo ir esta vez.
Necesito recargar energía.
So I love you, but I can't gothis time.
(20:55):
I need to recharge my energyWith partners.
You can say I care about you,but I need some alone time With
friends.
You can say I'm not availablefor that day, but can we talk
another day.
At work, you can say I'm acapacity right now.
Let's revisit this next week.
So at my job, my boss once saidcan you take this urgent task?
(21:20):
And I said I'm fully bookedtoday, but let's schedule it for
Monday.
And it worked Nobody exploded,I didn't get fired Like I was
fine.
So which phrase feels thehardest to say?
I dare you to screenshot it andkeep it on your phone.
That way you have really quickaccess to it.
(21:41):
Here are tools that help memaintain boundaries.
A grounding breath such as Iinhale peace, I exhale guilt.
A mantra such as a no makesspace for my true yes.
You could try a visualizationI'm surrounded by a golden
(22:05):
bubble protecting my energy.
Or my favorite limpias Ifsomeone crossed your boundary,
do a limpia with the herbs or aquartz.
Now I'm going to take thisopportunity to do a quick mini
ritual with you.
So if you're not driving, youcan go ahead and close your eyes
and if not, you can take apause and we can revisit this at
(22:27):
a later time.
Now take a deep breath in andexhale slowly.
Inhale.
Visualize white light pouringover your body, cleansing away
(22:52):
guilt and obligations thataren't yours.
Now repeat in your mind Irelease guilt.
I honor my energy.
(23:12):
I am safe to set boundaries.
Now breathe three more timeswith that intention I release, I
honor my energy.
(23:35):
I am safe to set boundaries.
I release guilt.
I honor my energy.
I am safe to set boundaries.
(24:01):
I release guilt.
I honor my energy.
I am safe to set boundaries.
Deep inhale in and big, longexhale out.
(24:33):
Put your hand on your corazón,your heart, inhala, inhale and
exhale.
And repeat after me my needsare valid, my voice matters.
(24:58):
I am safe to say no.
Now take a deep breath, releaseit and feel your energy come
back to you.
So I know you're probablythinking I have questions and
(25:25):
let me get through some of thepreguntas you're probably having
.
Number one what if my familycalls me selfish for saying no?
You can answer back by sayingand repeating calmly it's not
rejection, it's me choosingself-love.
Number two what do I do ifpeople keep crossing my
(25:47):
boundaries?
Boundaries are words plusactions.
You can say something like ifthis keeps happening, I'll need
some distance.
I invite you to send me a voicenote telling me how you set
boundaries this week.
I'd love to share some storiesin the future episodes.
(26:10):
Boundaries are an act of loveFor yourself y también for
others.
So remember your esencia essagrada.
You deserve to honor it Already, amores míos, boundaries aren't
selfish, they're self-love, andI always want you to remember
this aquí estoy, pero hasta aquíllego.
You don't owe anyone anexplanation for your limits.
(26:32):
Solo tienes que honrarlos.
And if you're ready for deeperwork, you know this is what I do
con amor.
So next week we'll explore anddive into reconnecting with your
authentic self, especialmenteas we are torn between familia,
trabajo, work, community andcultura, all the voices and
(26:55):
expectations from the external.
We'll discover how to come backand center yourself even more
deeply.
So nos vemos pronto.
Gracias por acompañarme, cariño.
I hope this episode offered youa moment of connection with your
story, your ancestors, or maybeeven a part of yourself.
(27:16):
You've forgotten with yourstory, your ancestors, or maybe
even a part of yourself.
You've forgotten.
Remember, healing isn't linear.
Sometimes it's a whisper, aboundary, a quiet no mas.
Other times it's a breakthroughthat shifts everything.
Whatever it is for you today,honor it.
You're not alone on this path.
If this episode resonated,please share it with an hermana
hermano a prima.
Please share it with an hermanahermano, a prima, primo or a
(27:40):
comadre who needs to hear it too.
Leave a review, hit, subscribe,and let's keep building this
healing comunidad together.
Till next time, keep embracingyour raices, reclaiming your
esencia and walking your path Padentro y pa afuera.
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