July 31, 2025 • 38 mins
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📚 Summary
Embracing Authenticity: The Power of Speaking Your Truth
In this episode of Babe Philosophy, we explore the profound importance of speaking your truth and the challenges that come with it. We discuss why avoiding conflict is not the goal, but rather how to navigate the inevitable 'wake' that our truths create. Learn from personal experiences, practical tips for clear and kind communication, and why it's essential to stand in authenticity in your relationships. Join us as we dismantle societal norms of niceness and conditional love, aiming for deeper, more genuine connections.
⌛ Chapters
00:00Â Dope Offers for You
02:03Â Introduction to Speaking Your Truth
03:24Â Navigating Relationships with Authenticity
07:52Â The Wake Effect of Decisions
18:02Â Challenges of Authenticity in Relationships
21:02Â Navigating Authenticity in Relationships
22:38Â The Power of Speaking Your Truth
24:11Â Deepening Connections Through Vulnerability
25:12Â The Importance of Responsible Communication
27:04Â Expressing Truth with Clarity and Kindness
28:43Â Practical Tips for Speaking Your Truth
32:49Â Handling Conflicts and Venting
37:06Â The Liberating Power of Truth
37:40Â Conclusion and Listener Engagement
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
OK bitch, I fucking sage the crop out of everything.
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(00:21):
Exactly, I think money lengths clarity more than vision boards.
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We just had a dope ass episode with Elizabeth Ralph.
She is so so clear on money. She retired at the age of 39
having everything she needed andshe now teaches this stuff.
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(01:06):
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BABE for 10% off at checkout. Woohoo on this episode of Babe
Philosophy. Truth, transparency, honesty.
They are not easy things until you get practiced with them.
And then once you get practiced with them, they're the best
(02:11):
fucking things in the whole goddamn world.
It's like instant liberation. I can't hold my truth back
anymore. It becomes like intolerable to
me. Like I feel more anxiety around
holding my truth than I did about telling the truth.
It flips. This is Babe philosophy.
A podcast where questions mattermore than answers, where liminal
(02:32):
spaces are revered, and where magic is practical.
We are your hosts, Mellie Wolf, and live wickedly.
Welcome to Bait philosophy. Hi.
(02:54):
We're back and we're talking about something that's super,
super, super potently present and our realities right now.
Today we are talking about speaking our truths without
causing disruption or hurting other people.
Or what's the question I alreadyforgot?
Of essentially what you said. I think we put like when without
(03:15):
upsetting people. Yes, how can I speak my truth
without upsetting anybody? And I feel like this is
something that I oh, OK, I'm just going to speak from my
experience. I have felt this question alive
in me pretty much my whole life,and I feel like I'm only now
(03:35):
just starting to feel grounded in my answers to that question.
Beginning, yes. And you know, I even remember
being a kid, like trying to communicate my wants, my needs,
my desires, and just like falling on my face, making
people mad, getting in trouble, being put in time out, you know
(03:57):
what I mean? Like how do I say what I need
without getting in trouble? Literally without being
punished. Yes, without being.
And maybe that's an even better question.
Like how do I? Speak my truth without being.
Punished. Yeah.
Or without getting in trouble, Like 'cause that's really the
thing. Like, that's what I think causes
so many people to not speak their truths.
Is this fear of creating an issue creating a problem?
(04:23):
Being bad and wrong, like my truth, my feelings, my desires.
They're bad. They're wrong, right?
Because I am bad and wrong, right?
Yep. Yeah.
And then what ends up happening is we start to develop this like
shell around what's true for us that feels more like palatable
to the outside world or that we perceive to be more palatable to
(04:44):
the outside world. And then what the problem with
living in that space for too long is it's not authentic.
It's not what's true and real for us, and we start to actually
turn into a shell of a human. Yes, and then your truths start
to become lies and manipulationsand then you're looking people,
please. Are well, this is so juicy.
(05:05):
This is so juicy. It's like a Pamello in the
middle of the summer. If you don't know what a pamello
is, it's like a cross between a grapefruit and a lime and a.
Yeah, it's a citrus. It's a citrus fruit.
Yeah. And her parents have a tree in
their backyard. And when I went and visited her
(05:26):
last July, a year ago, a year ago, yeah, we dug in on those.
This is. Super fun times.
Total aside, anyway. Back to the question.
OK, let's start us off, Mama, what is How do we do this?
How do we speak our truth without creating a shitstorm?
OK, well, I'm gonna say first and foremost, I don't believe
(05:50):
you could actually control that at all.
I do believe. And in my own life experience,
I've practiced learning how to share my truth in a way that is
coming from clean fuel and that is truly grounded within me so
that whatever storm does occur, it's a natural storm instead of
(06:12):
a shit storm as you put it. Yeah, yeah.
It's less about preventing possible outcomes and preventing
people from feeling things in the face of my truth and more
about how I'm delivering it and my own clarity in that truth.
Like, do I really know that thisis true for me, or am I just,
like, reacting to something? Am I just being defensive?
(06:34):
Am I playing out a script? Am I manipulating somebody with
my own emotional reaction and myown truth to try to get my way
and be more comfortable? Yeah, that's what I would say.
High level. My initial thought is what about
you? Absolutely.
Yeah, whatever. Well, OK, So what feels present
for me is the saying happy wife,happy life.
(06:57):
And what I feel like people do with that, like colloquialism,
is they it's like the message feels like whatever my wife
wants, she gets. That's 10,000% what I take the
meaning to me. But I and I think that there's
truth to the saying, but I don'tthink that's what's true.
(07:18):
I think what's true is if you are honest about who you are and
you say what you need and you say what's true, your wife will
actually be happier because she's getting the authentic
version of you and not your liesand manipulations to protect her
and therefore yourself from her reactions and her experience.
(07:39):
And so now she's actually happy because you are not afraid of
disappointing her. And that is what I think people
should actually see in that saying.
And something that Liv and I have been talking about a lot is
we're perceiving all decisions as creating a wake, right?
(08:01):
Like, if it's like the butterflyeffect, it's like something
happens. And then there's like a
catalytic response that moves through the world.
And the truth of it is it's likethe, the concept of the
butterfly effect is like the butterfly flaps its wings.
There's a like a tsunami in Japan, right?
And it's like, that's kind of the idea that we're talking
(08:25):
about here. It's like you actually can't,
like the butterfly can't actually control the tsunami
that happened to Japan if the butterfly's in California, you
know what I mean? It's like the butterfly's just
doing its thing and it can't be worried about creating a tsunami
in Japan and just not fly. Like it just, it won't be a
(08:45):
butterfly. It might as well just stay a
Caterpillar, you know what I mean?
So the way that Liv and I have been talking about this concept
in terms of like making decisions and speaking our
truths is through the lens of like a boat and a wake.
You know, it's like you, a boat creates a wake and it's just
kind of the aftermath of whatever the boat does.
(09:08):
And, you know, there's a lot of things that can happen in that
wake. People can drown in it, people
can surf it, people can, you know, ride it on a tube.
You know, it's like there's a lot that can happen in the wake.
And it's actually not your responsibility and it's not in
your control to determine what people do in that way 'cause
(09:29):
somebody might wanna surf it, somebody might drown on it.
So, you know, it's like, it's not your fault, it's just what
happens. And there is, like, for me, the
first step is like, like what Liv was breaking down is kind of
twofold. It's like, 1, accept that your
decisions are gonna cause a wakeand like, how to get on board
(09:50):
with that. And then two, there is a tactful
and kind way to express your truths and your desires and
whatever you need to express, whatever you need to share that
isn't so messy that your wake islike way too disruptive and
everyone's gonna drown in it. You know what I mean?
Like there's a way to make a wake that people can decide what
(10:12):
to do with it and they're not just obligated to die in it.
Yeah, they're just like drowningbecause you're in the no wake
zone and you're going way too fast.
Right. Yeah, It feels like those are
the two parts of what we're unpacking here.
Yeah, definitely. I love that you brought up that
happy wife, happy life thing. I'm even just seeing like this
nuanced piece of and this is where I've gone wrong in the
(10:35):
past before with speaking my truth and then putting myself in
this prison. It's like, can I contribute to
the happiness of my wife? Absolutely.
Can I control that? No, and I think that's the
point. It's like the control piece that
we're talking about. The things that you do have
influence and control over are the places where you put your
focus. And that's how you keep your
wake as clean as possible, knowing there's no way for you
(10:58):
to move, exist, breathe, be in any space with another person at
all whatsoever, without having some kind of impact, without
having some kind of influence over what happens in the
environment. Because you matter, you just do.
And the things that you say, thethings that you feel, the way
that you communicate, those things, those all take up space.
And then in you taking up that space, other things shift and
(11:21):
move and all of that. It's this idea that we can
control outcomes. That's where it starts to become
your own mind prison and you start to live in this fake fairy
tale world whereby you can somehow be perfect or
imperceptible or like so smooth and sly that there's absolutely
no ramifications. And I think that that's where I
(11:43):
think that's where people ultimately start getting into
being manipulative, whether they're doing it consciously or
unconsciously. Because they, I don't want to
deal with your feelings about what I'm doing.
So I'm going to manipulate you so I can get away with what I'm
doing. And then it'll be too late by
the time I've gotten away with it.
Or you're just going to stay clueless for a really long time.
And by protecting somebody else's feelings, which are
(12:03):
actually protecting on your own.Some kind of way about how you
feel. So I'm just going to do this
over here. And also, ultimately, that just
never works. That's going to come full
circle. If it doesn't come full circle
with that person, it will come full circle somewhere in your
life because you're not being authentic.
Yeah. I really wanna hone in on the
idea that if you are protecting somebody else's feelings by
(12:27):
being an inauthentic version of yourself, you are being
manipulative and you are lying. You are not protecting anyone.
That is something that I really wanna fucking drive home because
everybody does it. I do it like it's, you're not a
bad person for that, You know what I mean?
Like, it doesn't make you bad and wrong.
It just makes you off track, like you're totally off track.
(12:48):
And this is something that like I experienced in my relationship
with Matt, this is something that I have recently experienced
in my relationship with Matt. We like the way we experience it
is we care so much about how theother person feels that we don't
want to disappoint them. We don't want to create a
reality where they might be disappointed.
(13:09):
So we try to shift our way of being to do whatever we think
they, the other person wants, right?
So like Matt will feel a certainway, but he'll say he feels a
different way because he thinks that's how I want him to feel.
And then now we're off to the races of death because I'm not
(13:33):
dealing, I don't have an actual view of what's really happening
for him. So I'm operating based on a lie
and he's trying to uphold a lie.And now we're just existing in
this false reality, which is gonna eventually crumble.
And he's not getting to be his authentic person.
(13:53):
And I'm essentially being gaslit.
And this happens both ways, you know, like, I do this to him as
well. So it's like what we feel is
that we're protecting this person.
But in reality, what's happeningis I am not willing to stand in
the face of what my wake creates.
I'm not willing to see what my truth creates.
(14:17):
I'm not willing to hold my truthstrongly enough to be like,
baby, I know this might be hard for you to hear, but this is
what's true for me. And I need to say my truth
because I love you and I love me.
And I don't wanna lie and I don't wanna manipulate, and I
don't wanna gaslight into something that I think you need
for the sake of protecting my own feelings.
(14:39):
And ultimately, it's like if youcan't.
I really like this frame shift because I think if people
started to realize that they were manipulating and lying by
protecting, quote UN quote, protecting other people, they
might stop doing it. And they might speak their
truths more if they're recognized 'cause I think people
think that's the right thing to do.
(15:00):
Well, we get taught that that's the right thing to do.
There's a lot of social norming and conditioning that would say
being nice, being polite, havingmanners, causing the least
amount of disruption. That's the way to do it.
That's the way to be. Which is totally a part of what
Matt experiences, right? He got conditioned.
You have to be a good boy. We've been conditioned.
You have to be a good girl. Right.
The good girl, the nice guy conditioning is ultimately like
(15:23):
a conditioning to be a liar and a manipulator.
Yes, be this thing that's actually impossible, which is
perfect. Strive for it your whole life.
Give yourself a heart attack diet 62.
Yeah, dude. So that frame really, that
frameshift, that frameshift really helps me when I'm in the
(15:44):
face of like, oh fuck, I don't want to disappoint this person.
Like this happens with me and Liv all the time too.
Or like, I don't want to disappoint her.
I don't want to make her mad. I don't want to say the wrong
thing. I don't want to tell her what I
actually think because I feel like maybe me she's going to be
hurt or upset or whatever. But at the end of the day, I
tell her because I love her, because I don't want to lie to
(16:06):
her, because I don't want to manipulate her, and because I
want her to know and love me forwho I truly AM.
And I don't want her to love me for who I think I should be for
her. And that's also what I want and
I love. That's so beautiful because
something else that I, I don't think people think about this.
And I remember like deep in the thick of my last relationship, I
(16:29):
really got eyes on what I was doing to myself and to us, which
is in doing this, like I'm playing a version of myself
which I wasn't aware of at the time, right?
I only could see so much of it, but I knew deep down that I
wasn't being my full self. I wasn't practicing
unconditional love for myself, right?
I was conditionally allowing myself to be loved, which meant
(16:50):
always, underneath everything, Iknew that this person didn't
love all of me subconsciously. It wasn't like I'm lying about
this, I'm lying about this, I'm lying about this.
It was just like this undercurrent of uncertainty of
feeling, you know, a little bit like I wasn't comfortable like
to take up space. Like I would honestly like when
(17:11):
the big things would happen or feelings I thought were
difficult, I would just go sequester myself.
That's my big move is to just gotake space, go run away, clean
it up all by myself and then package it up in this nice
pretty parcel where I'm taking complete and total ownership for
being such a fucking shitty messand then bringing it up.
So not only am I cutting off thepossibility of authentically
(17:33):
being seen, held love, I'm now going and I'm manufacturing this
thing that I think is love and I'm putting it in this like cute
little present. And there's so much manipulation
and it because I'm manipulating myself and I'm bypassing myself.
And again, not in totality, not in totality.
It was, it's, I think it's this kind of sticky thing, especially
(17:55):
as you're becoming more conscious, you're learning
yourself more, you're undoing, you know, the balls of trauma
yarn that exist inside of you. But I think that's something
really, really important to noteis those moments where you're in
a relationship and you feel utterly and completely alone.
Is it in part because the personmay not be meeting you and may
not have capacity to show up? Sure, totally.
(18:18):
Like that's a very real thing. However, you got to look at your
house 1st. And if your house is out of
order and you are not being thatfor yourself, you're not able to
hold your own truth. You're not able to be authentic
and honest with yourself. You're always, always, always
going to end up feeling lonely and alone and like you're not
accepted and you're not loved and you're unworthy because
(18:38):
you're doing it to yourself 1st.And then you're going to keep
recreating that over and over and over again because you
believe that to be true. And you're behaving as if that's
true. And I just remember starting to
really catch on to that and be like, Oh my God, it's starting
with me. It doesn't make this person's
behavior OK. It doesn't make their lies OK.
It doesn't make their manipulations OK, but it also
(18:59):
doesn't make mine OK. Like it doesn't sanitize it
because we're both doing it, andthat's been hard.
I would say that the toughest thing for me in reconciling
these things and being willing to speak my truth is just
getting with the program that Yep, this person might leave.
I might can say this shit and the wake may very well be they
(19:19):
freak out, they blow up, they lose this relationship, they go
tell all of our mutual contacts and I made the bad guy da da,
da, da, da da. All those things are so fucking
scary and they're real. Those are real consequences of
showing up authentically. And in most cases, if you've
been in an inauthentic place, there's going to be a lot of
that coming for you for sure. And having been through probably
(19:41):
like 2 years now of like really taking up this space and kind of
making it a commitment in my ownintegrity and my own world view
that I have to be this. If I want the world to be this,
If I want more truth and honestyin the world, I have to walk
that. I went from having a massive
social circle and perceiving I had so many friends, like 100
friends that are really close tome to like 5.
(20:05):
And I'm super close with like 2.And it's not because I'm closing
people out, it's because I'm being honest.
And there's just not that. There's not that much of that
going around in the world. So it is a difficult thing to do
and it's imperative. It's crucial.
Like it has to be done. Yeah, yeah.
We were just talking about this before the podcast, not in this
context, but it is making me think of the whole debacle right
(20:28):
now with Aubrey Marcus and Violana and their marriage and
then sharing their relationship dynamic and how they have a
third person in their relationship, Alana.
And then just like that is theirauthentic.
As far as they know, they are living as authentically as they
know how and they're sharing it with the world.
(20:49):
And holy motherfucking shit, people had something to say.
I mean, like people had something to say.
And I bet, I bet I don't follow them super closely.
I don't feel very connected withtheir world.
I don't feel like a big connection to them or anything
that they do. But I bet that this experience
(21:14):
or this share, this authentic share, which I do believe is
authentic for this iteration of who they are now at least is
going to deepen the relationships that are true for
them and completely shatter the relationships that are not.
And they are currently. I mean, like I just watched a
video that Violana posted today where she's talking about like
(21:37):
what her authentic truth is and that she's had to take some time
to be off of the social media because they're such big names
and everybody just has somethingto say.
And it's like she's just she's literally like, whoa.
I actually am needing to step away from this wake because I
can't hold the intensity with which people are responding to
my wake in sharing my truth. And I felt like it was a really.
(22:02):
And then she responded to the wake throughout the rest of the
video. She responded to the hate, she
responded to the love, she responded to everything in
between. And it was this really
beautiful, really I perceived asa very authentic expression of
her truth and her willingness tohold that wake and say, this is
(22:23):
what's true for me. If you want to continue down
this path with me, thank you, I love you.
If you don't thank you, I love you like.
And I was like, fuck yeah, bitch, that's awesome.
Because that is really what it is to hold your truth.
And the reality of it is, comingback to the question, it's like
there's and what Liv said is like, there is no way to not get
(22:47):
in trouble, not be hated on, notlike somebody's always gonna
have something to say. And the peace that is sound, the
peace where you, the place whereyou can land, that's like, oh,
it is worth it to speak my truth.
And I don't have to pretend to be somebody else to stay safe.
(23:08):
Like where I anchor in on that is if I speak my truth, I
actually live a more authentic life.
If I speak my truth, I deepen mytrue relationships.
If I speak my truth, I clear thereal path and I don't get
confused about who's my real friend, who's not like what's
(23:29):
good for me, what isn't. Do I like this job?
Do I hate this job? Is that person lying about me?
Is that person talking shit about my?
That shit stops happening because you're just being real.
You know what I mean? Like that stuff, that
questioning, that I'm not sure that what's their intentions,
that why, like why are they friends with me that those
(23:51):
questions dissipate, they disappear.
Even though your circle gets smaller, it's clear.
Yes, and the the depth of connection you have totally.
The quality of it just absolutely Trump's all the like
superficial relationships that you have and then you go home
and you still feel fucking alone.
Like I, I've been telling Melliethis, like, you know, I've been
(24:14):
going through some, you know, wounding, you know, rewiring and
all of these things. And whenever I get into the
depths of it and it's like, it'smost painful once I get to the
bottom of whatever emotions available there and there's just
this spaciousness, this emptiness, I keep feeling like,
Oh my God, Mellie loves me so fucking much, right?
(24:34):
Like I belong somewhere. I belong to someone.
Someone knows all of me as much as someone can know all of me in
this moment because she knows asmuch about me as I know about
me. Right now.
This iteration of me is on display to this person and she
continues to show up and love me.
And it's not like we agree on fucking everything.
In fact, the places where she disagrees with me and my
experience that are greatly valuable and helpful to me.
(24:55):
You know, it's like to a point now where like, you know, at
first it was a little spicy 'cause I was doing the I'm bad
and wrong. I'm bad and wrong.
And now like I've put enough reps in that I'm like hungry for
it. She's like, do you want my
reflection? I'm like, give it to me.
Give me the truth. I want the truth.
I'm addicted to the truth. The truth sets me free.
But it really, it really, really, really does.
And if you are someone who feelslike there's a lot of drama and
(25:17):
conflict and lying around you, and you don't perceive that
you're a liar, there's somethingto look at.
Because while you may not be telling mistruths to other
people and manipulating them purposefully, you're probably
attracting those people to you because you lie to yourself at
the very bare minimum. That's a good fucking truth.
My God. That's what happens in my
relationship with Matt. That's when we have ruptures.
(25:40):
That's when Chick goes haywire, when we're trying to show up in
the way that we think we are supposed to for the other
person. And we do it just a little too
long and then we get in this bigblowout fight because not
because of not because any otherreason other than one of us was
lying to ourselves and thereforelying to the other person.
(26:00):
Yep, and it wasn't purposeful, but it can happened.
Yep, that's a really good thing to check on.
And I just, I always just keep remembering like the medicine
for the world right now. There's so much fake fuckery,
there's so much illusion, and the medicine, really, to save
the world if you would. What you can do every fucking
day is living your truth. Whatever the fuck that looks
(26:22):
like, That's the move. That's the fucking move.
The more value you add to the world, the more wealth and
abundance come your way, in all of its forms.
Yes, yeah, yeah. And this being said, like we
said already, there's so much nuance, so much, so much nuance.
And you can't just take the reductionist approach of like,
well, this is how I feel. So this is like let me just.
(26:44):
Yeah. Be so disruptive and feelings
are not necessarily true, which is a part of speaking your
truth, right? You can speak your truth by
expressing a feeling that you'rehaving, but you also do have the
responsibility to express that that you know that that feeling
might not be true, right? You can express your feelings,
but you also have to express that that feeling might not be
true. I think the most important piece
(27:07):
of nuance to consider when it comes to being concerned with
the wake of your truth is how are you expressing that truth?
And you actually do have a responsibility to speak your
truth with kindness and clarity.So, or if you're unclear on what
(27:29):
your truth is, you need to say that.
Which is clarity. It is clear to say I'm fucking
confused and unclear as shit. Yes.
So the those two pieces, clarityand kindness and kindness
doesn't mean being nice because nice is a bypassing of truth.
Nice is. I'm gonna say whatever I think I
need to say to make this person happy.
Nice. And perfect are the same
concept. Yes.
(27:50):
Whereas kind is, I am going to say, this potentially
challenging thing to receive in the most loving way possible
that doesn't project that this is somebody else's fault, that
I'm a victim, blah blah blah, but just simply how I perceive
(28:10):
my truth to be and taking ownership for it.
Absolutely. And this is making me actually
think of something we talked about this morning on our walk,
which is like when you're first starting to like, really speak
these truths or you get to a place where it is really
confusing and loud and there's alot of trauma and there's
wounding. And you have all this past
experience and it's being superimposed on what's happening
now. There's a learning process.
(28:32):
There's a space from, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing to I
know what I'm doing. And when you're in that liminal
space between the two, it can bereally overwhelming, especially
if you are averse to making messes.
And so something that both Mellie and I have done many
times is write it down. We literally will, especially if
it feels really important, it feels really potent.
If I know this is going to be sotriggering for me, I might be
(28:56):
shaking, my voice might be cracking.
I might just get lost in all of it.
I have written down with bullet points like the things that I
want to say so I can say them kindly and I can say them from a
place that where I did feel as safe as I could because I was,
you know, by myself or with my therapist or, you know, Mellie.
And I really have used the AI situation to help reflect.
(29:19):
Chat. Yeah.
And like talk back and forth andget all the thoughts out and all
the fucked up things that I'm thinking.
And it's like putting it in thisspace where this thing is
designed to reflect me back to me.
And that's accessible. Everybody can use ChatGPT for
free, you know, like that's accessible to people if you
don't have access to therapy or things like that.
But I think ultimately, at the end of the day, it comes down to
(29:41):
you making a choice that this ishow you're gonna live.
I choose to live in truth. I don't necessarily know how to
do that, but I'm committed to itand I'm gonna figure it out.
So every time you get into a situation, the question is, OK,
what's true? And how do I communicate this
truth well? And if you're wondering if
you're still like, totally lost,I'm like, well, what the fuck
does that even mean? Like here are some like grounded
(30:02):
examples of how to speak your truth well.
And I think the best way to to give examples is to just say
like what sentences, what phrases will not exist in the
statement if you're speaking your truth.
Well. And those are you statements.
You statements are probably not going to be present if you are
(30:22):
speaking your truth well. Now you statements can be used
to express objective realities when you did.
This then I. Then I felt this, that it
provoked an experience in me. I responded this way, right?
It's not. You made me feel this way.
No, no, no, no. You did this and you did that
and you're a bad. Person, yeah, no, there's no,
(30:44):
there's not a lot of use in responsible communication.
There's also not a lot of victimizing of self in
responsible communication. There is a lot of ownership in
responsible communication. I statements all the way.
Yeah, there's a lot of recognizing your own shit.
(31:05):
Recognizing your own weaknesses made me recognizing your own
patterns, maybe recognizing yourown.
Oh wow, I'm feeling a scent likeI'm feeling my wound arise in
the face of what you're saying to me right now, and I don't
actually know how to handle it, so I'm gonna take some space
from you right now. That is a responsible ass way to
(31:28):
say fuck off. Yes.
And I have done that many times where I'm like, OK, I just need
to take some time and I'll get back to you.
And then I go rage and do whatever I need to do to get to
a truth. Yes, because at the end of the
day, it's not this person in front of you's fault that you're
feeling the way you're feeling. And I mean, it goes both ways,
(31:51):
right? And ultimately, to avoid being a
mess with your truths and creating a wake where you're
gonna drown even the people thatyou love.
If you want to optimize your results in being received in
your truth, you gotta share it in a way.
You have to consider the lens ofwho you're speaking to.
You don't have to bend your reality to fit what you think
(32:12):
theirs is, but you have to consider what is the lens that
they're looking at me through and if my ultimate goal here is
not just to vent. If my ultimate, if that's the
case, if you need to vent, just let them know, hey, I need to
vent. Do you have space for that?
That's a different thing. But if what you actually want is
for somebody to hear your truth,then it's in your best interest
(32:34):
to consider who you're speaking to so that they can hear you.
Absolutely. And especially so many of us
want people to meet us where we are.
You're not gonna get that if you're not offering it.
Yeah. And, you know, I'm learning more
and more. It is so rare.
So rare that venting belongs in the container where the rupture
(32:54):
happened or the conflict happened.
It's I used it. Happens elsewhere.
Yeah, I used to be like, well, if I told them I'm venting, it's
OK. And you know, sometimes that is
totally fucking OK. And I just keep learning.
Like it's putting weight on yourplate.
If I'm like, I need to vent about this to you, Mellie.
It's like you are human and you can conceptually know that I'm
(33:15):
venting, but now you have all ofmy garbage that's now a part of
your filter and it's not necessarily the most responsible
thing. Yeah.
And I think that I think there'struth to that.
I think that if you're, if I'm coming to live saying, hey, I
want, I have a truth that's related to you that I need to
speak to you about. It's not in my best interest to
(33:35):
vent to you. It's in my best interest to vent
to somebody else, my dog, somebody who has absolutely no
personal connection to what I'm talking about because that in
like you said, in the space of venting, if I'm venting to the
person that I'm venting about, about the person, like if I'm
venting to you about you, you'rejust absorbing information.
(33:56):
That's not helping you well. It's gonna, it's gonna add
confusion. It's getting very confusing.
Yes, and a lot of times the places where we're bumping into
people and we are so afraid of causing conflict is because we
know already this is also triggering for that person.
It's very common for triggers tobe complimentary, especially in
romantic relationships and really closely intimate
(34:16):
relationships, right. So like the closer Mellie and I
got, the more it was like, oh God, if I say this thing because
I know she has this other thing and I'm going to say a little.
Yeah. So there's like a there's
definitely a responsibility in that place that will reduce the
amount of wake if you're just not like throwing every thought
and feeling that you have unfiltered thought and feeling.
Right. There's, and again, like we're
(34:37):
saying, like you're not your thoughts, you're not your
feelings. And while those experiences are
true and valid for you, they maynot be the truth.
True, the truth that exists between two people has some
level of neutrality and an objective objectivity to it.
And like groundedness, yes, And that's a good, that's a good
(34:57):
gauge too. That's another good filter.
If you're feeling super like fuck him, fuck her.
Oh, I'm pissed. It's like, OK, maybe that's not
the best time to talk to them about your truth.
Yeah, yeah. You know, just, you know,
pending who it is, if you want that person to have that wrath,
just know you're probably going to burn that bridge.
Maybe that's what you want to fucking do.
I have been in those places where I'm like, you know what?
This person just gets to hear my.
That's what I did with Scott. I was like, you know what, I'm
(35:19):
just burning this bridge. I'm done with it.
So I did. And that was good for me at that
point in time. I did.
I burned it. I was like, I'm done.
This is over. Oh.
My God, yeah. So if that relationship matters
to you, just consider how you can speak, because there's a lot
of different ways you can speak your truth.
You can speak your raw, unfiltered gnarling gnars, or
(35:42):
you can sit down, sit with it, process it.
Maybe it takes a day or two. Maybe you write it out.
Maybe you you edit it, maybe yougo through and just make sure
that the yesterday use words, match, today use words that
match and still match tomorrow use words.
And if you have like, you know, several days in a row where
you're like, yes, I still feel that way.
Yes, that still feels true. Yes, that still feels true.
(36:04):
Then maybe that's a more accurate depiction of what's
true for you. Yeah, yeah.
And then the other scenario I'm thinking of is like, and that
this is a plus and A minus. But if you are kind of going
through this process or you're thinking through and doing
inventory of your relationships and your conflicts and how you
show up and you have places where you genuinely like feel
totally afraid and so scared. And there's like, AI literally
(36:29):
can't tell this person my truth because it will become violent
or aggressive or whatever. That's a telltale sign, like why
are you in that relationship? That's a good moment in time to
say, why would I choose to stay in a relationship where even the
thought, even the idea of sayinghow I feel is causing me to have
(36:50):
a panic attack is causing me to completely shut down, freak out,
panic, go into like a totally like feral animalistic space
where everything's life or death.
Why, why? Why?
What are you doing there? Why?
Yep. Yeah.
I think we all got to get on thetruth train.
(37:11):
Truth, transparency, honesty. They are not easy things until
you get practiced with them. And then once you get practiced
with them, they're the best fucking things in the whole
goddamn world. It's like instant liberation.
Like, you know, in practicing all of this over and over and
over again, I now, like, I can'thold my truth back anymore.
It becomes, like, intolerable tome.
Like, I feel more anxiety aroundholding my truth than I did
(37:33):
about telling the truth. It flips.
Yeah, it'll flip. Eventually.
Eventually, yeah. Sick.
We did it. That feels complete, that.
Feels complete. I agree.
Well, we love you. Thank you for listening.
If you have any questions, please comment or any comments
or you totally wildly disagree. We also love that too, so.
I would love if someone would share a sticky situation that
has so much nuance into like telling the truth because it
(37:56):
would be really fun to like break that up.
I would love that as well. That would be great.
Be fun, OK, well, we love you. Follow us on Instagram at Babe
dot Philosophy and we will talk to you later later.
Thank you for listening to Babe Philosophy.
If you enjoy the show, please like, rate and subscribe
wherever you listen and follow us on Instagram at Babe dot
(38:19):
Philosophy later. Babes.
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No. Why don't you try this?
Spiritual Investor Club. OK, yeah, it looks like this is
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(00:21):
Exactly, I think money lengths clarity more than vision boards.
Y'all should check out the spiritual investors club.
We just had a dope ass episode with Elizabeth Ralph.
She is so so clear on money. She retired at the age of 39
having everything she needed andshe now teaches this stuff.
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Philosophy. Truth, transparency, honesty.
They are not easy things until you get practiced with them.
And then once you get practiced with them, they're the best
(02:11):
fucking things in the whole goddamn world.
It's like instant liberation. I can't hold my truth back
anymore. It becomes like intolerable to
me. Like I feel more anxiety around
holding my truth than I did about telling the truth.
It flips. This is Babe philosophy.
A podcast where questions mattermore than answers, where liminal
(02:32):
spaces are revered, and where magic is practical.
We are your hosts, Mellie Wolf, and live wickedly.
Welcome to Bait philosophy. Hi.
(02:54):
We're back and we're talking about something that's super,
super, super potently present and our realities right now.
Today we are talking about speaking our truths without
causing disruption or hurting other people.
Or what's the question I alreadyforgot?
Of essentially what you said. I think we put like when without
(03:15):
upsetting people. Yes, how can I speak my truth
without upsetting anybody? And I feel like this is
something that I oh, OK, I'm just going to speak from my
experience. I have felt this question alive
in me pretty much my whole life,and I feel like I'm only now
(03:35):
just starting to feel grounded in my answers to that question.
Beginning, yes. And you know, I even remember
being a kid, like trying to communicate my wants, my needs,
my desires, and just like falling on my face, making
people mad, getting in trouble, being put in time out, you know
(03:57):
what I mean? Like how do I say what I need
without getting in trouble? Literally without being
punished. Yes, without being.
And maybe that's an even better question.
Like how do I? Speak my truth without being.
Punished. Yeah.
Or without getting in trouble, Like 'cause that's really the
thing. Like, that's what I think causes
so many people to not speak their truths.
Is this fear of creating an issue creating a problem?
(04:23):
Being bad and wrong, like my truth, my feelings, my desires.
They're bad. They're wrong, right?
Because I am bad and wrong, right?
Yep. Yeah.
And then what ends up happening is we start to develop this like
shell around what's true for us that feels more like palatable
to the outside world or that we perceive to be more palatable to
(04:44):
the outside world. And then what the problem with
living in that space for too long is it's not authentic.
It's not what's true and real for us, and we start to actually
turn into a shell of a human. Yes, and then your truths start
to become lies and manipulationsand then you're looking people,
please. Are well, this is so juicy.
(05:05):
This is so juicy. It's like a Pamello in the
middle of the summer. If you don't know what a pamello
is, it's like a cross between a grapefruit and a lime and a.
Yeah, it's a citrus. It's a citrus fruit.
Yeah. And her parents have a tree in
their backyard. And when I went and visited her
(05:26):
last July, a year ago, a year ago, yeah, we dug in on those.
This is. Super fun times.
Total aside, anyway. Back to the question.
OK, let's start us off, Mama, what is How do we do this?
How do we speak our truth without creating a shitstorm?
OK, well, I'm gonna say first and foremost, I don't believe
(05:50):
you could actually control that at all.
I do believe. And in my own life experience,
I've practiced learning how to share my truth in a way that is
coming from clean fuel and that is truly grounded within me so
that whatever storm does occur, it's a natural storm instead of
(06:12):
a shit storm as you put it. Yeah, yeah.
It's less about preventing possible outcomes and preventing
people from feeling things in the face of my truth and more
about how I'm delivering it and my own clarity in that truth.
Like, do I really know that thisis true for me, or am I just,
like, reacting to something? Am I just being defensive?
(06:34):
Am I playing out a script? Am I manipulating somebody with
my own emotional reaction and myown truth to try to get my way
and be more comfortable? Yeah, that's what I would say.
High level. My initial thought is what about
you? Absolutely.
Yeah, whatever. Well, OK, So what feels present
for me is the saying happy wife,happy life.
(06:57):
And what I feel like people do with that, like colloquialism,
is they it's like the message feels like whatever my wife
wants, she gets. That's 10,000% what I take the
meaning to me. But I and I think that there's
truth to the saying, but I don'tthink that's what's true.
(07:18):
I think what's true is if you are honest about who you are and
you say what you need and you say what's true, your wife will
actually be happier because she's getting the authentic
version of you and not your liesand manipulations to protect her
and therefore yourself from her reactions and her experience.
(07:39):
And so now she's actually happy because you are not afraid of
disappointing her. And that is what I think people
should actually see in that saying.
And something that Liv and I have been talking about a lot is
we're perceiving all decisions as creating a wake, right?
(08:01):
Like, if it's like the butterflyeffect, it's like something
happens. And then there's like a
catalytic response that moves through the world.
And the truth of it is it's likethe, the concept of the
butterfly effect is like the butterfly flaps its wings.
There's a like a tsunami in Japan, right?
And it's like, that's kind of the idea that we're talking
(08:25):
about here. It's like you actually can't,
like the butterfly can't actually control the tsunami
that happened to Japan if the butterfly's in California, you
know what I mean? It's like the butterfly's just
doing its thing and it can't be worried about creating a tsunami
in Japan and just not fly. Like it just, it won't be a
(08:45):
butterfly. It might as well just stay a
Caterpillar, you know what I mean?
So the way that Liv and I have been talking about this concept
in terms of like making decisions and speaking our
truths is through the lens of like a boat and a wake.
You know, it's like you, a boat creates a wake and it's just
kind of the aftermath of whatever the boat does.
(09:08):
And, you know, there's a lot of things that can happen in that
wake. People can drown in it, people
can surf it, people can, you know, ride it on a tube.
You know, it's like there's a lot that can happen in the wake.
And it's actually not your responsibility and it's not in
your control to determine what people do in that way 'cause
(09:29):
somebody might wanna surf it, somebody might drown on it.
So, you know, it's like, it's not your fault, it's just what
happens. And there is, like, for me, the
first step is like, like what Liv was breaking down is kind of
twofold. It's like, 1, accept that your
decisions are gonna cause a wakeand like, how to get on board
(09:50):
with that. And then two, there is a tactful
and kind way to express your truths and your desires and
whatever you need to express, whatever you need to share that
isn't so messy that your wake islike way too disruptive and
everyone's gonna drown in it. You know what I mean?
Like there's a way to make a wake that people can decide what
(10:12):
to do with it and they're not just obligated to die in it.
Yeah, they're just like drowningbecause you're in the no wake
zone and you're going way too fast.
Right. Yeah, It feels like those are
the two parts of what we're unpacking here.
Yeah, definitely. I love that you brought up that
happy wife, happy life thing. I'm even just seeing like this
nuanced piece of and this is where I've gone wrong in the
(10:35):
past before with speaking my truth and then putting myself in
this prison. It's like, can I contribute to
the happiness of my wife? Absolutely.
Can I control that? No, and I think that's the
point. It's like the control piece that
we're talking about. The things that you do have
influence and control over are the places where you put your
focus. And that's how you keep your
wake as clean as possible, knowing there's no way for you
(10:58):
to move, exist, breathe, be in any space with another person at
all whatsoever, without having some kind of impact, without
having some kind of influence over what happens in the
environment. Because you matter, you just do.
And the things that you say, thethings that you feel, the way
that you communicate, those things, those all take up space.
And then in you taking up that space, other things shift and
(11:21):
move and all of that. It's this idea that we can
control outcomes. That's where it starts to become
your own mind prison and you start to live in this fake fairy
tale world whereby you can somehow be perfect or
imperceptible or like so smooth and sly that there's absolutely
no ramifications. And I think that that's where I
(11:43):
think that's where people ultimately start getting into
being manipulative, whether they're doing it consciously or
unconsciously. Because they, I don't want to
deal with your feelings about what I'm doing.
So I'm going to manipulate you so I can get away with what I'm
doing. And then it'll be too late by
the time I've gotten away with it.
Or you're just going to stay clueless for a really long time.
And by protecting somebody else's feelings, which are
(12:03):
actually protecting on your own.Some kind of way about how you
feel. So I'm just going to do this
over here. And also, ultimately, that just
never works. That's going to come full
circle. If it doesn't come full circle
with that person, it will come full circle somewhere in your
life because you're not being authentic.
Yeah. I really wanna hone in on the
idea that if you are protecting somebody else's feelings by
(12:27):
being an inauthentic version of yourself, you are being
manipulative and you are lying. You are not protecting anyone.
That is something that I really wanna fucking drive home because
everybody does it. I do it like it's, you're not a
bad person for that, You know what I mean?
Like, it doesn't make you bad and wrong.
It just makes you off track, like you're totally off track.
(12:48):
And this is something that like I experienced in my relationship
with Matt, this is something that I have recently experienced
in my relationship with Matt. We like the way we experience it
is we care so much about how theother person feels that we don't
want to disappoint them. We don't want to create a
reality where they might be disappointed.
(13:09):
So we try to shift our way of being to do whatever we think
they, the other person wants, right?
So like Matt will feel a certainway, but he'll say he feels a
different way because he thinks that's how I want him to feel.
And then now we're off to the races of death because I'm not
(13:33):
dealing, I don't have an actual view of what's really happening
for him. So I'm operating based on a lie
and he's trying to uphold a lie.And now we're just existing in
this false reality, which is gonna eventually crumble.
And he's not getting to be his authentic person.
(13:53):
And I'm essentially being gaslit.
And this happens both ways, you know, like, I do this to him as
well. So it's like what we feel is
that we're protecting this person.
But in reality, what's happeningis I am not willing to stand in
the face of what my wake creates.
I'm not willing to see what my truth creates.
(14:17):
I'm not willing to hold my truthstrongly enough to be like,
baby, I know this might be hard for you to hear, but this is
what's true for me. And I need to say my truth
because I love you and I love me.
And I don't wanna lie and I don't wanna manipulate, and I
don't wanna gaslight into something that I think you need
for the sake of protecting my own feelings.
(14:39):
And ultimately, it's like if youcan't.
I really like this frame shift because I think if people
started to realize that they were manipulating and lying by
protecting, quote UN quote, protecting other people, they
might stop doing it. And they might speak their
truths more if they're recognized 'cause I think people
think that's the right thing to do.
(15:00):
Well, we get taught that that's the right thing to do.
There's a lot of social norming and conditioning that would say
being nice, being polite, havingmanners, causing the least
amount of disruption. That's the way to do it.
That's the way to be. Which is totally a part of what
Matt experiences, right? He got conditioned.
You have to be a good boy. We've been conditioned.
You have to be a good girl. Right.
The good girl, the nice guy conditioning is ultimately like
(15:23):
a conditioning to be a liar and a manipulator.
Yes, be this thing that's actually impossible, which is
perfect. Strive for it your whole life.
Give yourself a heart attack diet 62.
Yeah, dude. So that frame really, that
frameshift, that frameshift really helps me when I'm in the
(15:44):
face of like, oh fuck, I don't want to disappoint this person.
Like this happens with me and Liv all the time too.
Or like, I don't want to disappoint her.
I don't want to make her mad. I don't want to say the wrong
thing. I don't want to tell her what I
actually think because I feel like maybe me she's going to be
hurt or upset or whatever. But at the end of the day, I
tell her because I love her, because I don't want to lie to
(16:06):
her, because I don't want to manipulate her, and because I
want her to know and love me forwho I truly AM.
And I don't want her to love me for who I think I should be for
her. And that's also what I want and
I love. That's so beautiful because
something else that I, I don't think people think about this.
And I remember like deep in the thick of my last relationship, I
(16:29):
really got eyes on what I was doing to myself and to us, which
is in doing this, like I'm playing a version of myself
which I wasn't aware of at the time, right?
I only could see so much of it, but I knew deep down that I
wasn't being my full self. I wasn't practicing
unconditional love for myself, right?
I was conditionally allowing myself to be loved, which meant
(16:50):
always, underneath everything, Iknew that this person didn't
love all of me subconsciously. It wasn't like I'm lying about
this, I'm lying about this, I'm lying about this.
It was just like this undercurrent of uncertainty of
feeling, you know, a little bit like I wasn't comfortable like
to take up space. Like I would honestly like when
(17:11):
the big things would happen or feelings I thought were
difficult, I would just go sequester myself.
That's my big move is to just gotake space, go run away, clean
it up all by myself and then package it up in this nice
pretty parcel where I'm taking complete and total ownership for
being such a fucking shitty messand then bringing it up.
So not only am I cutting off thepossibility of authentically
(17:33):
being seen, held love, I'm now going and I'm manufacturing this
thing that I think is love and I'm putting it in this like cute
little present. And there's so much manipulation
and it because I'm manipulating myself and I'm bypassing myself.
And again, not in totality, not in totality.
It was, it's, I think it's this kind of sticky thing, especially
(17:55):
as you're becoming more conscious, you're learning
yourself more, you're undoing, you know, the balls of trauma
yarn that exist inside of you. But I think that's something
really, really important to noteis those moments where you're in
a relationship and you feel utterly and completely alone.
Is it in part because the personmay not be meeting you and may
not have capacity to show up? Sure, totally.
(18:18):
Like that's a very real thing. However, you got to look at your
house 1st. And if your house is out of
order and you are not being thatfor yourself, you're not able to
hold your own truth. You're not able to be authentic
and honest with yourself. You're always, always, always
going to end up feeling lonely and alone and like you're not
accepted and you're not loved and you're unworthy because
(18:38):
you're doing it to yourself 1st.And then you're going to keep
recreating that over and over and over again because you
believe that to be true. And you're behaving as if that's
true. And I just remember starting to
really catch on to that and be like, Oh my God, it's starting
with me. It doesn't make this person's
behavior OK. It doesn't make their lies OK.
It doesn't make their manipulations OK, but it also
(18:59):
doesn't make mine OK. Like it doesn't sanitize it
because we're both doing it, andthat's been hard.
I would say that the toughest thing for me in reconciling
these things and being willing to speak my truth is just
getting with the program that Yep, this person might leave.
I might can say this shit and the wake may very well be they
(19:19):
freak out, they blow up, they lose this relationship, they go
tell all of our mutual contacts and I made the bad guy da da,
da, da, da da. All those things are so fucking
scary and they're real. Those are real consequences of
showing up authentically. And in most cases, if you've
been in an inauthentic place, there's going to be a lot of
that coming for you for sure. And having been through probably
(19:41):
like 2 years now of like really taking up this space and kind of
making it a commitment in my ownintegrity and my own world view
that I have to be this. If I want the world to be this,
If I want more truth and honestyin the world, I have to walk
that. I went from having a massive
social circle and perceiving I had so many friends, like 100
friends that are really close tome to like 5.
(20:05):
And I'm super close with like 2.And it's not because I'm closing
people out, it's because I'm being honest.
And there's just not that. There's not that much of that
going around in the world. So it is a difficult thing to do
and it's imperative. It's crucial.
Like it has to be done. Yeah, yeah.
We were just talking about this before the podcast, not in this
context, but it is making me think of the whole debacle right
(20:28):
now with Aubrey Marcus and Violana and their marriage and
then sharing their relationship dynamic and how they have a
third person in their relationship, Alana.
And then just like that is theirauthentic.
As far as they know, they are living as authentically as they
know how and they're sharing it with the world.
(20:49):
And holy motherfucking shit, people had something to say.
I mean, like people had something to say.
And I bet, I bet I don't follow them super closely.
I don't feel very connected withtheir world.
I don't feel like a big connection to them or anything
that they do. But I bet that this experience
(21:14):
or this share, this authentic share, which I do believe is
authentic for this iteration of who they are now at least is
going to deepen the relationships that are true for
them and completely shatter the relationships that are not.
And they are currently. I mean, like I just watched a
video that Violana posted today where she's talking about like
(21:37):
what her authentic truth is and that she's had to take some time
to be off of the social media because they're such big names
and everybody just has somethingto say.
And it's like she's just she's literally like, whoa.
I actually am needing to step away from this wake because I
can't hold the intensity with which people are responding to
my wake in sharing my truth. And I felt like it was a really.
(22:02):
And then she responded to the wake throughout the rest of the
video. She responded to the hate, she
responded to the love, she responded to everything in
between. And it was this really
beautiful, really I perceived asa very authentic expression of
her truth and her willingness tohold that wake and say, this is
(22:23):
what's true for me. If you want to continue down
this path with me, thank you, I love you.
If you don't thank you, I love you like.
And I was like, fuck yeah, bitch, that's awesome.
Because that is really what it is to hold your truth.
And the reality of it is, comingback to the question, it's like
there's and what Liv said is like, there is no way to not get
(22:47):
in trouble, not be hated on, notlike somebody's always gonna
have something to say. And the peace that is sound, the
peace where you, the place whereyou can land, that's like, oh,
it is worth it to speak my truth.
And I don't have to pretend to be somebody else to stay safe.
(23:08):
Like where I anchor in on that is if I speak my truth, I
actually live a more authentic life.
If I speak my truth, I deepen mytrue relationships.
If I speak my truth, I clear thereal path and I don't get
confused about who's my real friend, who's not like what's
(23:29):
good for me, what isn't. Do I like this job?
Do I hate this job? Is that person lying about me?
Is that person talking shit about my?
That shit stops happening because you're just being real.
You know what I mean? Like that stuff, that
questioning, that I'm not sure that what's their intentions,
that why, like why are they friends with me that those
(23:51):
questions dissipate, they disappear.
Even though your circle gets smaller, it's clear.
Yes, and the the depth of connection you have totally.
The quality of it just absolutely Trump's all the like
superficial relationships that you have and then you go home
and you still feel fucking alone.
Like I, I've been telling Melliethis, like, you know, I've been
(24:14):
going through some, you know, wounding, you know, rewiring and
all of these things. And whenever I get into the
depths of it and it's like, it'smost painful once I get to the
bottom of whatever emotions available there and there's just
this spaciousness, this emptiness, I keep feeling like,
Oh my God, Mellie loves me so fucking much, right?
(24:34):
Like I belong somewhere. I belong to someone.
Someone knows all of me as much as someone can know all of me in
this moment because she knows asmuch about me as I know about
me. Right now.
This iteration of me is on display to this person and she
continues to show up and love me.
And it's not like we agree on fucking everything.
In fact, the places where she disagrees with me and my
experience that are greatly valuable and helpful to me.
(24:55):
You know, it's like to a point now where like, you know, at
first it was a little spicy 'cause I was doing the I'm bad
and wrong. I'm bad and wrong.
And now like I've put enough reps in that I'm like hungry for
it. She's like, do you want my
reflection? I'm like, give it to me.
Give me the truth. I want the truth.
I'm addicted to the truth. The truth sets me free.
But it really, it really, really, really does.
And if you are someone who feelslike there's a lot of drama and
(25:17):
conflict and lying around you, and you don't perceive that
you're a liar, there's somethingto look at.
Because while you may not be telling mistruths to other
people and manipulating them purposefully, you're probably
attracting those people to you because you lie to yourself at
the very bare minimum. That's a good fucking truth.
My God. That's what happens in my
relationship with Matt. That's when we have ruptures.
(25:40):
That's when Chick goes haywire, when we're trying to show up in
the way that we think we are supposed to for the other
person. And we do it just a little too
long and then we get in this bigblowout fight because not
because of not because any otherreason other than one of us was
lying to ourselves and thereforelying to the other person.
(26:00):
Yep, and it wasn't purposeful, but it can happened.
Yep, that's a really good thing to check on.
And I just, I always just keep remembering like the medicine
for the world right now. There's so much fake fuckery,
there's so much illusion, and the medicine, really, to save
the world if you would. What you can do every fucking
day is living your truth. Whatever the fuck that looks
(26:22):
like, That's the move. That's the fucking move.
The more value you add to the world, the more wealth and
abundance come your way, in all of its forms.
Yes, yeah, yeah. And this being said, like we
said already, there's so much nuance, so much, so much nuance.
And you can't just take the reductionist approach of like,
well, this is how I feel. So this is like let me just.
(26:44):
Yeah. Be so disruptive and feelings
are not necessarily true, which is a part of speaking your
truth, right? You can speak your truth by
expressing a feeling that you'rehaving, but you also do have the
responsibility to express that that you know that that feeling
might not be true, right? You can express your feelings,
but you also have to express that that feeling might not be
true. I think the most important piece
(27:07):
of nuance to consider when it comes to being concerned with
the wake of your truth is how are you expressing that truth?
And you actually do have a responsibility to speak your
truth with kindness and clarity.So, or if you're unclear on what
(27:29):
your truth is, you need to say that.
Which is clarity. It is clear to say I'm fucking
confused and unclear as shit. Yes.
So the those two pieces, clarityand kindness and kindness
doesn't mean being nice because nice is a bypassing of truth.
Nice is. I'm gonna say whatever I think I
need to say to make this person happy.
Nice. And perfect are the same
concept. Yes.
(27:50):
Whereas kind is, I am going to say, this potentially
challenging thing to receive in the most loving way possible
that doesn't project that this is somebody else's fault, that
I'm a victim, blah blah blah, but just simply how I perceive
(28:10):
my truth to be and taking ownership for it.
Absolutely. And this is making me actually
think of something we talked about this morning on our walk,
which is like when you're first starting to like, really speak
these truths or you get to a place where it is really
confusing and loud and there's alot of trauma and there's
wounding. And you have all this past
experience and it's being superimposed on what's happening
now. There's a learning process.
(28:32):
There's a space from, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing to I
know what I'm doing. And when you're in that liminal
space between the two, it can bereally overwhelming, especially
if you are averse to making messes.
And so something that both Mellie and I have done many
times is write it down. We literally will, especially if
it feels really important, it feels really potent.
If I know this is going to be sotriggering for me, I might be
(28:56):
shaking, my voice might be cracking.
I might just get lost in all of it.
I have written down with bullet points like the things that I
want to say so I can say them kindly and I can say them from a
place that where I did feel as safe as I could because I was,
you know, by myself or with my therapist or, you know, Mellie.
And I really have used the AI situation to help reflect.
(29:19):
Chat. Yeah.
And like talk back and forth andget all the thoughts out and all
the fucked up things that I'm thinking.
And it's like putting it in thisspace where this thing is
designed to reflect me back to me.
And that's accessible. Everybody can use ChatGPT for
free, you know, like that's accessible to people if you
don't have access to therapy or things like that.
But I think ultimately, at the end of the day, it comes down to
(29:41):
you making a choice that this ishow you're gonna live.
I choose to live in truth. I don't necessarily know how to
do that, but I'm committed to itand I'm gonna figure it out.
So every time you get into a situation, the question is, OK,
what's true? And how do I communicate this
truth well? And if you're wondering if
you're still like, totally lost,I'm like, well, what the fuck
does that even mean? Like here are some like grounded
(30:02):
examples of how to speak your truth well.
And I think the best way to to give examples is to just say
like what sentences, what phrases will not exist in the
statement if you're speaking your truth.
Well. And those are you statements.
You statements are probably not going to be present if you are
(30:22):
speaking your truth well. Now you statements can be used
to express objective realities when you did.
This then I. Then I felt this, that it
provoked an experience in me. I responded this way, right?
It's not. You made me feel this way.
No, no, no, no. You did this and you did that
and you're a bad. Person, yeah, no, there's no,
(30:44):
there's not a lot of use in responsible communication.
There's also not a lot of victimizing of self in
responsible communication. There is a lot of ownership in
responsible communication. I statements all the way.
Yeah, there's a lot of recognizing your own shit.
(31:05):
Recognizing your own weaknesses made me recognizing your own
patterns, maybe recognizing yourown.
Oh wow, I'm feeling a scent likeI'm feeling my wound arise in
the face of what you're saying to me right now, and I don't
actually know how to handle it, so I'm gonna take some space
from you right now. That is a responsible ass way to
(31:28):
say fuck off. Yes.
And I have done that many times where I'm like, OK, I just need
to take some time and I'll get back to you.
And then I go rage and do whatever I need to do to get to
a truth. Yes, because at the end of the
day, it's not this person in front of you's fault that you're
feeling the way you're feeling. And I mean, it goes both ways,
(31:51):
right? And ultimately, to avoid being a
mess with your truths and creating a wake where you're
gonna drown even the people thatyou love.
If you want to optimize your results in being received in
your truth, you gotta share it in a way.
You have to consider the lens ofwho you're speaking to.
You don't have to bend your reality to fit what you think
(32:12):
theirs is, but you have to consider what is the lens that
they're looking at me through and if my ultimate goal here is
not just to vent. If my ultimate, if that's the
case, if you need to vent, just let them know, hey, I need to
vent. Do you have space for that?
That's a different thing. But if what you actually want is
for somebody to hear your truth,then it's in your best interest
(32:34):
to consider who you're speaking to so that they can hear you.
Absolutely. And especially so many of us
want people to meet us where we are.
You're not gonna get that if you're not offering it.
Yeah. And, you know, I'm learning more
and more. It is so rare.
So rare that venting belongs in the container where the rupture
(32:54):
happened or the conflict happened.
It's I used it. Happens elsewhere.
Yeah, I used to be like, well, if I told them I'm venting, it's
OK. And you know, sometimes that is
totally fucking OK. And I just keep learning.
Like it's putting weight on yourplate.
If I'm like, I need to vent about this to you, Mellie.
It's like you are human and you can conceptually know that I'm
(33:15):
venting, but now you have all ofmy garbage that's now a part of
your filter and it's not necessarily the most responsible
thing. Yeah.
And I think that I think there'struth to that.
I think that if you're, if I'm coming to live saying, hey, I
want, I have a truth that's related to you that I need to
speak to you about. It's not in my best interest to
(33:35):
vent to you. It's in my best interest to vent
to somebody else, my dog, somebody who has absolutely no
personal connection to what I'm talking about because that in
like you said, in the space of venting, if I'm venting to the
person that I'm venting about, about the person, like if I'm
venting to you about you, you'rejust absorbing information.
(33:56):
That's not helping you well. It's gonna, it's gonna add
confusion. It's getting very confusing.
Yes, and a lot of times the places where we're bumping into
people and we are so afraid of causing conflict is because we
know already this is also triggering for that person.
It's very common for triggers tobe complimentary, especially in
romantic relationships and really closely intimate
(34:16):
relationships, right. So like the closer Mellie and I
got, the more it was like, oh God, if I say this thing because
I know she has this other thing and I'm going to say a little.
Yeah. So there's like a there's
definitely a responsibility in that place that will reduce the
amount of wake if you're just not like throwing every thought
and feeling that you have unfiltered thought and feeling.
Right. There's, and again, like we're
(34:37):
saying, like you're not your thoughts, you're not your
feelings. And while those experiences are
true and valid for you, they maynot be the truth.
True, the truth that exists between two people has some
level of neutrality and an objective objectivity to it.
And like groundedness, yes, And that's a good, that's a good
(34:57):
gauge too. That's another good filter.
If you're feeling super like fuck him, fuck her.
Oh, I'm pissed. It's like, OK, maybe that's not
the best time to talk to them about your truth.
Yeah, yeah. You know, just, you know,
pending who it is, if you want that person to have that wrath,
just know you're probably going to burn that bridge.
Maybe that's what you want to fucking do.
I have been in those places where I'm like, you know what?
This person just gets to hear my.
That's what I did with Scott. I was like, you know what, I'm
(35:19):
just burning this bridge. I'm done with it.
So I did. And that was good for me at that
point in time. I did.
I burned it. I was like, I'm done.
This is over. Oh.
My God, yeah. So if that relationship matters
to you, just consider how you can speak, because there's a lot
of different ways you can speak your truth.
You can speak your raw, unfiltered gnarling gnars, or
(35:42):
you can sit down, sit with it, process it.
Maybe it takes a day or two. Maybe you write it out.
Maybe you you edit it, maybe yougo through and just make sure
that the yesterday use words, match, today use words that
match and still match tomorrow use words.
And if you have like, you know, several days in a row where
you're like, yes, I still feel that way.
Yes, that still feels true. Yes, that still feels true.
(36:04):
Then maybe that's a more accurate depiction of what's
true for you. Yeah, yeah.
And then the other scenario I'm thinking of is like, and that
this is a plus and A minus. But if you are kind of going
through this process or you're thinking through and doing
inventory of your relationships and your conflicts and how you
show up and you have places where you genuinely like feel
totally afraid and so scared. And there's like, AI literally
(36:29):
can't tell this person my truth because it will become violent
or aggressive or whatever. That's a telltale sign, like why
are you in that relationship? That's a good moment in time to
say, why would I choose to stay in a relationship where even the
thought, even the idea of sayinghow I feel is causing me to have
(36:50):
a panic attack is causing me to completely shut down, freak out,
panic, go into like a totally like feral animalistic space
where everything's life or death.
Why, why? Why?
What are you doing there? Why?
Yep. Yeah.
I think we all got to get on thetruth train.
(37:11):
Truth, transparency, honesty. They are not easy things until
you get practiced with them. And then once you get practiced
with them, they're the best fucking things in the whole
goddamn world. It's like instant liberation.
Like, you know, in practicing all of this over and over and
over again, I now, like, I can'thold my truth back anymore.
It becomes, like, intolerable tome.
Like, I feel more anxiety aroundholding my truth than I did
(37:33):
about telling the truth. It flips.
Yeah, it'll flip. Eventually.
Eventually, yeah. Sick.
We did it. That feels complete, that.
Feels complete. I agree.
Well, we love you. Thank you for listening.
If you have any questions, please comment or any comments
or you totally wildly disagree. We also love that too, so.
I would love if someone would share a sticky situation that
has so much nuance into like telling the truth because it
(37:56):
would be really fun to like break that up.
I would love that as well. That would be great.
Be fun, OK, well, we love you. Follow us on Instagram at Babe
dot Philosophy and we will talk to you later later.
Thank you for listening to Babe Philosophy.
If you enjoy the show, please like, rate and subscribe
wherever you listen and follow us on Instagram at Babe dot
(38:19):
Philosophy later. Babes.
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