August 7, 2025 • 46 mins
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📚 Summary
In this episode of Babe Philosophy, hosts Meli Wolf and Liv Wickedly dive into the complex relationship between self-acceptance and the pursuit of 'love and light.' They discuss how often the ideal of maintaining a constant 'love and light' mentality can actually stunt personal growth by creating unrealistic standards and self-criticism.
Through personal anecdotes and reflections, they explore the importance of holding oneself in present experiences, whether light or dark, and authentically embracing one's current state. The episode highlights the necessity of self-love and acceptance in navigating life’s ups and downs.
Join Meli and Liv as they candidly share their struggles and insights, encouraging listeners to extend the same kindness to themselves that they would to a loved one.
⌛ Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Spiritual Investor Club
00:52 Introducing the Babe Philosophy Renoir
01:36 Is Love and Light Stunting My Growth?
02:09 Hosts' Personal Reflections and Podcast Theme
03:04 Navigating Personal Growth and Self-Perception
05:14 The Struggle with Love and Light Ideals
06:21 Embracing the Darkness and Self-Acceptance
09:20 Personal Anecdotes and Reflections
13:35 The Importance of Being Present
26:52 Navigating Emotional Triggers
26:56 Embracing Your Current State
27:24 The Role of External Validation
28:32 The Importance of Self-Compassion
29:07 Reframing Self-Acceptance
30:45 Holding Yourself in Dark Times
32:07 Practicing Self-Love
33:12 The Void and Self-Acceptance
38:43 Inner Critic and Body Image
41:36 Sharing Personal Struggles
46:07 Concluding Thoughts and Call to Action
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
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(00:21):
Exactly, I think money lengths clarity more than vision boards.
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She is so so clear on money. She retired at the age of 39
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(00:44):
And you can join for $17.00 a month and you can get your first
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show notes. OK babes, the Babe Philosophy
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Ours is for the modern day womanto connect to her inner
(01:06):
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(01:29):
Download it now at babephilosophy.com and tag us at
Babe Philosophy when you're vibing with it on this episode
of Babe Philosophy. Is love and light senting my
growth? Like I don't actually think it's
the love and light itself that is the problem Is your fucking
relationship to the love and light it is How?
We end up here it. Is the idea that you have to be
(01:49):
that all the time? All the time.
And that's the thing I get all confused because I'm like what?
This like love and light conceptis making me feel like shit
about myself. But it's not actually a love and
light concept that's making me feel like shit about myself.
It's how you really hate. It's how I'm relating to the
fact that I think I should be better and more in that state
and I'm not. And now I feel like shit about
myself. This is Babe philosophy.
(02:13):
A podcast where questions mattermore than answers, where liminal
spaces are revered, and where magic is practical.
We are your hosts, Mellie Wolf, and live wickedly.
(02:34):
Hello everybody and welcome back.
Welcome. Welcome to our Stupid podcast.
Oh my God, So Liv and I are here.
We were going to do an interviewtoday, but we had to reschedule
our interview. We had to reschedule.
So we are doing a just live, an iPod.
(02:57):
And we love these because we getto talk about what's just
present for us right fucking now.
So something that has been very relevant to us lately is the
idea of evolving, growing and being the version of us that we
(03:20):
want to be, right? Like visualizing our most
empowered, biggest selves, the millionaires, you know, the
version of Liv and Mellie that are like, on the stage talking
to the crowd. You know, New York, how are we
doing tonight? What the fuck is up and?
Then and connecting to those versions of ourselves and really
(03:41):
feeling into who they are and connecting to all the places
that they are, quite frankly, more evolved than who we are
right now. And take up way more space.
And there is, you know, in that that practice is really
beautiful. And there's something to be said
for connecting to the bigger, brighter, better version of you,
(04:02):
right? And what's been happening for
Liv and I lately, Livin me lately, I think that's actually
correct grammar. What's been happening for me and
Liv lately or Livin me is that we are getting a little bit lost
in that we are it. What's starting to happen in the
space of envisioning our future selves and connecting to who and
(04:26):
what they do and what habits they have in trying to adopt
those and trying to embody those.
And now it's actually pulling usaway from who we are now and
where we are now and what we're doing now.
So, and this isn't like an overarching statement, just like
anything I ever say, but we're noticing this in areas of our
lives where we're like, what thefuck?
(04:48):
Oh my God. Trying to essentially like love
and light my way through this pain point is, is stunting the
reality of where I am now and isn't allowing me to accept who
I am now, where I am now. And it's creating this
dissonance, this like cognitive dissonance that is creating this
(05:09):
void space between where I am and where I think I should be.
So the question for today is, islove and light sunting my
growth? Because there is such a strong
and compelling narrative for staying connected to love,
staying connected to light, staying connected to the zoomed
(05:33):
out perspective, right? Like the higher self perspective
and like Liv and I love to do, we love to just kind of like
breakdown these ideas and these kind of just accepted because
they sound good standards and question them and be like, OK,
(05:54):
well, what's really happening here?
Because there's always more thanone truth, as me and Liv have
established in this podcast many, many times.
So today we're going to examine that and we're going to look at
like, what is actually happeninghere And, you know, where is the
line and where can this go wrong?
(06:17):
It could go wrong everywhere allthe time.
So I think we should start by like maybe talking a little bit
about like the love and light that we're kind of like chasing
right now. What do you think?
Yeah, I think that's a good place to so 'cause when we say
that there's like love and light, like you hear like
(06:40):
cultists say they're like, oh, love and light, love and light,
and then there's like love and there's just love and light in a
lot of different contexts. So I don't know I can kick that
off. Kick it, maybe.
So in my experience of love and light, I closely associate that
to like my most like ascension. Essentially like, the point is
(07:01):
to get from. Enlightenment.
Yes, enlightenment, right? And it and, and when I think
about what's happening for me inthis context, it's in my own
mind, even though I know better.It's very linear and it's
hierarchical and it's very like you just go straight up to the
top. A to B to C to D.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. And there's like, and so because
(07:22):
I am perceiving it that way in my, you know, like background
noise, subconscious, there's like this idea that there's my
highest self and she's way up here and then there's me where I
am right now. And me where I am right now is
like so lowly. She's a serf, she's a plebe.
(07:43):
There's so much about her that is strapping her down and
preventing her from riding the elevator to the top and, you
know, becoming her highest self.And even as I'm saying that I'm
like, God, that's so dumb, Why am I doing that?
But it's what I'm doing. It's how it's occurring to me in
my There's must be some core belief or some foundational
thing that tells me that that's what it's supposed to be.
(08:06):
And so whenever I think of love and light, I mean, I honestly
think of an elevator like a loveand light elevator.
And if I'm not being my highest self, then I'm not being the
most loving and I'm not being the most light.
And then inside of that, there'slike, like you said, there's
this void space. And in that void space, the gap
between who I'm being now and myperception of my highest self, I
(08:27):
don't even actually know that bitch, you know, I actually can
never actualize her 'cause therewill always be a highest self.
But in that void space, all the things that are bad and wrong
about me are like sliding in. And all the reasons that I don't
know, I guess will never be my highest self are there.
Like those arguments just start to kind of like flood in and
(08:47):
germinate for me even right now.Like I can feel that I'm
scattered. I'm a little all over the place
in my internal experience of my thinking process.
And I'm listening to myself talkand then I'm looking at Mellie
and then I'm judging everything that's happening while I'm
trying to talk and to share something valuable in a present
moment. Like that's my day today.
(09:08):
In the sauce, baby, that is whatwe call in the sauce.
Yeah, fully in the sauce in the pan, just cooking from the waist
down. Yeah.
OK. That is good.
And yeah, where I get really caught up is and like where like
the void space that we're talking about, the cognitive
(09:29):
dissonance that we're talking about when we say cognitive
dissonance, it's like your realities aren't matching up.
Like we've talked about this before on this podcast.
It's like you're living something other than what you're
thinking. You're believing something other
than what you're doing. Like there's just not there's
incongruency in like your lived experience.
And, you know, I look at like, Byron Katie and her process of
(09:52):
inquiry. I look at, you know, ROM Das.
I look at all of these like I perceive to be enlightened
beings. And I hear their teachings and
their suggestions or their perspective shifts and they all
(10:16):
make just the most fucking sense.
You know what I mean? Like if I am in love and light
mode, I'm like, of course that makes perfect sense.
And then when I'm in my like, shadow or my darkness, I'm like,
fuck you, you know, like I'm like, fuck.
(10:37):
You shut the fuck. Up.
Stop telling me what to do and how to be.
Yes. And it's really interesting
because it's not even the fuck you that is the problem.
The problem is very meta becauseit's like another layer deep.
It's like I know that in my mindI perceive these people to be
(10:59):
enlightened and their advice andtheir perspectives to be true.
So and now I'm in this experience of feeling
disconnected from these things that I in another version of
myself perceived to be true. And then now if we go to layer
deeper, I'm feeling ashamed thatI'm not living by this thing
(11:20):
that I know to be true. So now there is it's like it's
meta does that. Am I, are you tracking with me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I have this is what I think
you're, I'm hearing you say. And again, my brain is super
loopy today, but what I'm perceiving you're saying is
similar to like a mechanism thatI have where it's like, if you
know better, do better. And if I'm not, if I do know
better and I'm just not doing better or I feel like I can't
(11:43):
access quote UN quote better, I feel ashamed.
Exactly. So it's almost like in the
shadow space, your love and light version of yourself can
become kind of like a trap. It can become like to.
Beat yourself with. Correct.
Like a reprimanding mother. You know, like you should be
ashamed of yourself. Oh yeah, that's totally how it
(12:05):
comes. Down yeah.
So that's, that is the interesting thing, 'cause it's
almost like when we ask this question like, is love and light
something my growth like, I don't actually think it's the
love and light itself that is the problem.
It's your relationship to it is your fucking relationship to the
love and light. It is how?
We end up here it. Is the idea that you have to be
(12:26):
that all the time? All the time.
And that's the thing, it's like where I get lost in the sauce
because I'm, I get all confused,'cause I'm like, what?
This like love and light conceptis making me feel like shit
about myself. But it's not actually the love
and light concept that's making me feel like shit about myself.
It's how you really, it's how I'm relating to the fact that I
think I should be better and more in that state and I'm not.
(12:47):
And now I feel like shit about myself.
I'm so glad we're talking about this because this is exactly I
actually like now that we're talking about this, if I think
about it's so easy, it's a lot easier for me to like watch you
in your process and to see whereyour relationship to The thing
is. Like, oh, that's what's causing
the problem. It's like how you're relating to
that aspect of yourself and samefor you.
(13:07):
You're like Mama, like how you're relating to that.
That's not the vibe. You actually did that for me a
couple days ago, specifically inthis exact arena where I was
like not OK with where I was andI felt like I should be bad and
wrong for it. Fuck my fucking brain.
That totally just fell the fuck out.
Damn it, I lost it. Yeah.
It's totally. I know I was totally and it just
(13:29):
totally disappeared. It's OK.
Bummer. OK, we'll keep talking and if it
pops back up I'll interrupt you.OK, well anyways, so ultimately
it's a battle with ourselves andthe relationship to the thing,
right? So it's like, I think that
there's something to be said. So going back to like the actual
(13:51):
experience of the shadow, it's like there's so much juice
there. And for me, my relationship to
oh, I need to have a higher perspective.
Oh, I need to be my highest self.
Oh, I need to be love and light in this circumstance, but I'm
actually in the darkness. I end up bypassing all the juice
(14:14):
that's in the dark, right? Like because I'm trying to force
myself out of the dark, punch through the clouds and get into
the light, I'm not actually sitting in the dark, observing
the dark, feeling the dark, letting the juices of the dark
do whatever they need to do for me to.
Yeah, almost like you're fermenting in there.
(14:35):
Right, right. And like, like, you know, it's
like sourdough needs the fermentation.
So it's like you kind of need tobe accepting of this state, this
version of yourself, whatever thoughts are in your mind and
not accepting in the way that like you're like, if you think
you're a piece of shit, you're just accepting that.
(14:56):
Like that's your reality now andyou're a piece of shit and
you're gonna be a piece of shit for the rest of your life.
And you might as well just startplaying the part, you know, like
that's kind of reductionist and a little bit extreme.
I feel like what the invitation is more like, OK, I feel like a
piece of shit right now. OK, OK, I feel like a piece of
shit right now. Maybe I am a piece of shit right
(15:18):
now. It like the moment starts and
ends right here. Like it's not.
Doesn't mean anything about who I'm gonna be in the future.
Doesn't mean anything like 'cause that's where it gets out
of hand. Right, yeah, 'cause you start
going catastrophes. When you start making tendrils
into another place. Now I'm gonna die a lonely cat
lady. With no money, I'm never gonna
find love. I'm gonna be broke.
(15:40):
I'm gonna be so embarrassed. And forever.
Yes. Like, that's where the darkness
goes too far, where it's like, OK, what if we can just be in
the darkness? And like, it's like Carolyn
Elliott's existential kink. It's like, can you see what is
here for you without making it love and light, Right?
(16:02):
Can you kind of like be poetic about it?
Can you kind of be like, woe is me, Edgar Allan Poet?
Yes, exactly. Like for myself right now, what
my version would be like I guesswould be like, I have Poison
Ivy, all of my legs. It's been growing for the.
Past can you lift your are you able to show people on the
(16:23):
video? It's yo y'all look at that shit.
It doesn't. Even.
Look, it looks so much worse andthen looks, it literally looks
like she fell off of a bike and just scraped her whole leg
across the concrete. So it's like, you know, OK, and
for context, I have a phobia of skin conditions like period dot.
I have always been weirded out by skin stuff.
(16:47):
It's always giving me the heebiejeebies.
I remember like from a kid all the way through college.
I remember like if you showed mea image of a like a really
creepy skin condition or like a really infected something, I
wouldn't be able to sleep that night.
Like it was fucking, I don't know, I don't know where I got
this. I don't know why I have this,
(17:07):
but it's there. And it has since kind of
subsided in the context of like seeing these things.
Like it doesn't bother me as much to like see gross skin
stuff now, but it's kind of liketransferred into my own skin
health. And so like, and it started with
like my shingles outbreak when Igot shingles at the age of
(17:29):
fucking 30, which is like, what the fuck?
Why? Why me?
Yeah, and just that whole fucking experience, which I did
a solo just smelly pod about it because I got diagnosed with
herpes and it was it. Anyway, shingles is herpes, but
(17:52):
that's a side tangent for another day.
So I am sitting in this just like honestly utter disgust with
myself because I have shingles. I'm covered in Poison Ivy, it's
spreading, it's all over my leg.It's not on my butt, it's on my
back. It's like on my other leg now.
(18:14):
Like it's fucking grossing me out.
It's so fucking itchy. It's driving me insane.
I'm not sleeping well at night because I wake up and I'm just
itching so badly. I have to go downstairs and get
an ice pack and hold it on my legs until like I'm a fucking
icicle and then I can fall asleep again.
(18:34):
And this might sound like some like a tale as well as time for
somebody, right? This might be somebody might
live in the woods and work in the woods and get Poison Ivy
like semi regularly and they're like you're a pussy ass bitch.
What is the problem here? I don't get it.
This is a normal thing that normal people have, but for me
it is implying that I am disgusting worthless.
(18:58):
I'm nobody's never going to wantto touch me again.
You know, my fiance is never going to want to sleep with me
again. I'm going to have my wedding's
in a month. I'm going to be a nasty,
disgusting hag for my wedding covered in Poison Ivy.
Like it goes on and on and on and on.
And there's that's the like, I can either sit there and be
(19:24):
like, OK, none of this is true. Just love and light my way
through it. Everything is fine.
I'm gonna be fine. It's all gonna be OK.
You know, there, this is everything is for me, like and
just like kind of like muscle myself into believing that it is
that this is great, which I don't feel that way at all.
(19:47):
Or I can just be like, OK, this fucking sucks.
I fucking hate this. I feel like a turd bucket and
that is where I'm at right now and I'm going to keep it here.
I'm going to keep it contained. I'm not saying this is what I
have been doing because I haven't been very, I don't
perceive I've been the most graceful with this.
(20:08):
But this is ideally what I thinkwould be the best for me is if I
were to allow the feelings, allow the disgust, allow the
embarrassment, allow the humiliation, allow the shame and
just be like. Fuck, here's here I am, here I
am like I'm just fucking here and I don't need to change it.
(20:33):
I don't need to push it, I don'tneed to whatever.
Like I just need to let it be what it is and I don't.
I also don't need to go so far over to the other side of things
and start making narratives and assumptions about what this
means about me as a person and my identity as a person.
I don't need to start identifying with it so deeply
(20:53):
that it starts to dictate the trajectory of my entire life
either, right? So it's like, where is the sweet
spot where I can just allow the experience that I'm having now?
Let the emotions move through me, let myself feel what I'm
feeling. Cause clearly on some level I
want to feel it, whether it's conscious or not.
That's the existential kink of it.
(21:14):
I'm here because I wanna be like, so let's just be here.
Yeah, that was so well said and it was really beautiful.
And I remember what I was tryingto say earlier, which is
essentially like really, I'm really noticing as Mellie and I
are like going through these things.
And honestly, it's been a lot the whole time we've been
(21:35):
connected to this podcast. And I think at first, the first
stretch of time was really us coming out of our breakups and
like figuring out, you know, in the face of those things, which
aspects of us were shedding and leaving and which aspects of us
were like kind of coming online or, you know, coming back from
the time that I was 12 and shut it off or whatever the fuck.
(21:58):
And then now since we've been like, let's punch it and send it
and make babe philosophy our full time thing, we're going to
make a living. It's been a whole new kind of
initiation consistently and constantly.
And I just feel like the things that keep looping around,
looping around, looping around. And I thought of this when you
brought up Byron Katie and ROM Das because there is, I feel
(22:21):
like there's like these foundations of what these like
enlight, even Eckhart Tolle, like these more enlightened
people, Pema Chandran, people who are like thought leaders in
the world for I don't know how to be human and evolved at the
same time. Like I feel like they do such a
good job holding all of that is 1 be present.
(22:44):
What you can't do if you're chasing love and light, like if
you're running toward love and light all the time, if you're
constant, like there's this ideaof like constantly being in
motion or like just I guess doing in a way.
I don't think everybody has thatthing with like I need to do
something about it. I think a lot of us do.
But there's like this energy of like maybe almost impatience,
(23:07):
even maybe entirely impatience. I don't know, but this whole
idea of like, I need to get somewhere.
I need to get to love and light.So now you're automatically out
of presence or your your fuel's a little dirty because it wants
to push you out of presence. And then what we keep saying
over and over and over again, especially these last few
episodes, is it's like it's yourrelationship to the thing.
(23:29):
Even like I just finished editing the does everyone have
addictions? And we were talking about that a
lot, that really being the focus.
And so and what you were just saying and talking about, to me,
it sounded like ultimately what stunts your growth is not being
with yourself right here, right now.
And also there is a, there is something important about
(23:53):
knowing where you're going in some sense, in some sense,
right? And the knowing where you're
going. I think where I fucked that up,
it's perceiving that where I'm going is anywhere outside of
myself. What do you mean by that?
So like, you know, sometimes when I sit in meditation and I
think about babe philosophy and our goals and like what we want
(24:13):
to achieve da da, da, da, it's very easy for me to say, well,
where I'm going is to a stage somewhere.
I often picture us interviewing Peter Crone.
We're so excited for that day when that's like a possibility.
And you know, I picture us, you know, our big account million.
All that stuff exists outside ofme.
Those will be reflections of theplace that I go to within
myself, right? So I get into this like trap and
(24:37):
I also, I think the love and light thing, like I said, I
perceive it like this elevator and there's this highest,
highest self and like it's all happening in this very 3D way in
my brain and in my mind. But the actual reality is where
I'm going exists within me, inside of me, and I could never
possibly traverse, navigate, expand, allow anything within me
(25:02):
if I'm not with all of me. And the like impatience, the
rush to get out of the dark, theinsistence that it be positive
vibes or that it be over sooner.You know, there's a part of me
that'll you know, if I don't getover it in a day, I'm like,
fucking hell. The thing that Mellie really
helped me with a day or two ago,I don't remember time.
(25:25):
I think it might have been yesterday.
It could have been this morning.I think it was yesterday, but I
think it was yesterday, yeah. She just sent me this reel.
And I knew contextually that hadnothing to do with me, but Oh my
God, my system took it so personally.
I was like, Mellie's sending me this, 'cause I'm not doing good
enough. And then I was like, oh God,
that's so not fucking true. But it was this really pointed
(25:46):
reel. And this man's talking to this
woman about, you know, she's talking about some former
relationship of hers. And I there's no like super
detail at the beginning about what went on in the relationship
for her, but it's very clear that she's still has a lot of
intense feelings about it. And the guy points out you're
that wound that this exivirus pressed on already existed.
(26:10):
It was already there. All he did was poke it, scratch
it, bump up into it. And because you've been
unconscious of it your whole life, it's easy to make the
assumption that that person caused it.
But it was there. It was already there.
It's been there since whenever you fucking created that shit.
And and so I immediately thoughtabout my relationship with Scott
(26:32):
and I immediately went into thisplace of like, oh God, I should
be where this man is telling this woman she should be.
This point that he's making is true.
I know that I know these things.I know better.
Why am I not doing better? But the reality is, and then,
you know, Mellie was great and she was like, hey, Mama, like
just be where you are. It's OK.
(26:52):
Like 1. I didn't mean to trigger you.
Just sending you that because I liked the point.
And then two, like it's OK to just be where you are.
And then she said she's like, let me send you this other real
to offset it. And I'm like, why do you have
these reels like fucking in yourbank just ready to go.
Here's a real to help you live like great.
And it's this other woman and she's talking about she talks
about how she's like, Hey, you, you can have a little more fuck
(27:15):
you in your healing process. Like there can be a little more
like, God, this sucks. Exactly what we're talking about
right now. And so I was watching that and I
was like, that is where I am. And thank you lady on the
Internet for that external validation and permission to be
where I am. But you know, just being, I've
been contemplating and chewing on this over the last however
many hours since the interactionhappened.
(27:37):
And I just keep, it just seems so obvious to me that I actually
am doing. I'm doing all the correct
things. I am already doing the things
that are best for me, that are most aligned, that are going to
allow me to one day not feel that way anymore.
There's nothing else to do. There is a lot more to be, and I
(28:03):
think that is what the mechanismof love and light in my own
internal complex fucks up. It's like always looking for a
checklist. It's always looking for some
kind of external 3D control. But the actual reality of being
of love and light is to just like beat it.
Just like fucking beat it. And the 1st place you beat it is
(28:23):
with yourself. And it's just not loving to beat
yourself with a stick or a standard or an expectation,
especially if you're like actually putting effort in and
doing your best. Like I can tell you beyond a
shadow of a doubt, there are lots of places in my life where
I'm like, I could be doing more.I could be putting more effort
toward that. And I'm just not.
I don't have any fucking shame over those things because I know
I'm not doing it. The places where I'm doing the
(28:46):
fucking most, like healing, getting past my breakup, coping
with having HSV 2 now, my relationships with people I love
and care about, my work. Those are the places where I'm
an asshole to myself, where I'm doing the most and I'm working
the hardest. Those are the places where I'm a
Dick. Like, that's very cool.
(29:07):
Yeah, I love the reframe of the not accepting of self in current
state is actually the drop of love and light that needs to be
picked up. Yep.
Because that is the practice of like in the state of, oh, I'm
way down here in the piteous pit.
(29:29):
It's not oh, OK, let me love andlight up the ladder and be, you
know, and do different, be different, do different.
Let me actually. So maybe, yeah, that's it.
It's like there is love and light in that space and that is
not presenting in the way that you perceive love and light to
be, which is if I was in my highest self, I would XY and Z.
(29:53):
If I was doing the right thing, I would be doing this.
If you know whatever else it is that you aren't actually doing
or aren't actually being, it's not about that.
It's about can I hold myself here 'cause that is love and
like a version of love and lightto genuinely hold yourself where
(30:13):
you are. And that doesn't mean like hype
yourself deeper into the pit. You know what I mean?
That doesn't mean going out and keying cars.
That doesn't mean trashing somebody's reputation.
That doesn't mean going out and just like popping off and being
out of control. It means and or like getting
(30:36):
revenge. It's not vengeful.
It is not. I need to make somebody pay.
It doesn't. It's not diving deeper into the
hole. It's just letting yourself be in
the hole and holding yourself there and being like, OK, this
is OK. I'm allowed to have these
thoughts. I'm allowed to think these
things. Maybe you're thinking about
keying somebody's car. That's fine, as long as you're
(30:56):
just thinking about it and letting yourself think about it.
You know what I mean? Yeah, totally.
I, I think some pretty insane homicidal things.
Often I don't do them, but I think them.
Yeah, I wanna punch so and so I wanna fucking whatever.
Like, that's all fine, as long as you're holding yourself in
the experience enough to actually not have to go do those
things 'cause you're recognizingthat's not actually gonna
(31:17):
resolve the problem. Because this isn't the problem.
The problem is that I'm not holding myself.
And if I were to hold myself, then actually those needs
wouldn't need to be actualized, because what is really needed
here is needing to be held and accepted.
Yeah, for the experience that you're having. 10,000% I'm OK
(31:37):
I'm remembering the other threadof what I was saying earlier
that fell out of my brain. So when I it's so easy for me
when I witness you, Mellie, to like see you in your shit and be
like, dude, I fucking love you. Like I don't need you to be
different. I don't want you to change.
I think you're doing fucking excellent.
Like it's so easy for me to be love and light when I'm watching
Mellie, right? And then when it comes back my
(31:58):
way and I'm in the crap, then, you know, the inner critic comes
out and I'm just the fucking worst and most terrible and it's
just occurring to me. I'm like, that might be a really
good anchor question or practiceis to just when I bill, when I
catch that, that's how I'm treating myself to just say, OK,
if I were Mellie right now, how would I show up?
(32:20):
How would I show up for Mellie? And that could be at like a very
simple, you know, like there's someone out there that you would
show up great for, even if it's just your animal, your pet, any
animal, pet plant. If there is something out there
that you love and there's nothing that that person, thing
animal could do to taint your experience of it because you
(32:41):
love it as it is no matter what,ask yourself when you're being a
ship bag to yourself. How would I treat my dog?
How would I treat my mom? How would I treat my best
friend? How would I show up for them
right now? And that might be a good place
to like just zoom out and be like, oh God, I definitely
wouldn't bring this tone. I wouldn't use these words, you
(33:02):
know, I might make myself, I might make them some food.
I might give them a massage. I might play some music.
I mean, and then you just do that for yourself and boom,
there you go. You're fucking enlightened
because you're actually being the light.
You are. When you're in the void, you're
the light. Stop looking for it elsewhere.
That's the point of the void is you're the light.
(33:22):
And everything that happens in that space that's created in
that space is you painting with your light on a black canvas.
Like that's how I picture it every single time, and then all
of a sudden the part of me that needs to do has something to do,
which is love on myself. You know that love is a verb.
Shit. Yeah, I'm loving where this
(33:45):
conversation is going because, you know, as with all of our
questionings, it's so nuanced inthat it's not the like it's love
and light, as you perceive it tobe in your ideal, is going to
stunt your growth when you're inthe darkness.
(34:06):
But love and light itself will never stunt your growth if you
can meet love and light where you.
Are I love that? Yeah.
What does love and light look like?
Right here, right? Now, yes, not who should I be,
how should I be different, what needs to happen differently than
now? But how can I love myself here
and now the way I am? Yep, What's real right now?
(34:28):
That love and light will never stunt you.
Ever. No, that's the medicine in that
moment. It's your own love and.
Light and it softens the experience.
It softens your edges because you're deep in the sauce, you're
deep in the darkness and you're having like homicidal thoughts,
fucking suicidal thoughts, whatever, if you're freaking
out. And what's enhancing your freak
(34:51):
out is the thought that I need to be love and light, which is
boom, this ideal. And that's creating a greater
void for you because you're so far from that.
But that's not love and light, that's hating on yourself.
It's it. It's a concept.
That's hating on yourself. So the ideal of love and light
(35:13):
is actually hating on yourself when you're in the darkness.
So when you're in the darkness, love and light is let me just
love who I am now, what I'm doing here, what I'm capable of
now and meet myself where I'm at.
And then all of a sudden when you do that, the void just gets
so much smaller. Now you don't have to key
(35:34):
anybody's car. Now you don't have to kill
anybody. Now you don't have to kill
yourself because the void is like collapsing on itself
because you've accepted where you're at.
And now the space between where you're at and where you think
you should be is in the same spot.
And all of a sudden it's not this fucking insane experience
of chaos. Theoretically.
(35:58):
Picking up what you're putting down, my guy.
I'm gonna fucking do some reps with that shit.
Get my biceps. This is 10.
Yeah, no, this was really good. I needed to work through all of
this. We're we are always having a
fucking day when we podcast. It's like the podcast knows my
really, really great days. I'm rarely podcasting.
This is totally making me think of the episode with Justin
(36:21):
Patrick Pierce. And you got to the end of your
processing with him and he askedyou, you know, what would you
want to hear from your lover? You know, if you were going to
show up as your own lover, what would be the ideal thing?
And you paused for a moment and you said you're perfect as you
are. I don't need you to change.
(36:42):
That's it, That's it. Right fucking there.
That's the love and the light and the spin out and in the dark
is your. You are so OK as you are.
I don't need you to change. I love you just this way.
That's making me think of our episode with Annie Bond where
she said, you know, she said that.
She referenced the saying treat others how you want to be
(37:03):
treated. And she was like, that's a
garbage saying because we treat ourselves like shit.
Treat, treat others how you would treat your best friend.
Treat yourself how you would treat just like you were saying,
how would I treat somebody I love and want to hype up and
(37:23):
want to like facilitate the bestexperience for?
Because I'm not gonna be like my.
The baseline for most of us is not speaking to ourselves in
that way. We have to learn that shit.
And the people who do do that 'cause I know there are a lot of
people in the world that have like that, do that and are able
to do that. And those are the millionaires,
billionaires, whatever. Like those are the people who
are just like absolutely crushing in life because they're
(37:49):
they've found the place where they truly believe that they are
the shit. Yeah, I'm worth this.
Duh. Yeah, like I should have more.
Exactly. Where's more?
I need more. For better, for worse.
Oh my God, yeah. Awesome.
OK, well, I feel complete. Yeah, I think this was great.
(38:10):
I hope this was helpful to otherpeople.
I know there's other people who be beating themselves up.
They're not perfect. Yes, tell us about your, tell us
about your shit that you beat yourself up for and tell us
about your experience with love and light.
Because I know this is somethingthat everybody experiences and
it's not that many of us that are actually being transparent
and honest about it. So it's I find it always super,
(38:32):
really, super, really refreshingwhen somebody shares with me
like, Oh yeah, I struggle with this.
And I'm like, oh fuck, you're a human too.
Get out of here. OK, before we sign off, I think
it would be fun to share a little bit of the inner dialogue
that we're experiencing when we need to be love and light and
we're not. Do you want to share any of the
(38:54):
awesome things that your brain says to you that are super
helpful? Yeah.
Some of the most frequent ones for me in the most recent future
have been that if I was truly inmy authenticity and in my genius
and in my highest version of myself, like I wouldn't have
(39:16):
skin problems. So it's an indication that I am
a piece of shit and that if I had a better mentality, like I
can I my mentality is dictating the extent to my rash of Poison
Ivy. So I need to have a better
(39:38):
mentality. I need to have a better
whatever. Another one is that my partner
thinks I'm disgusting if I have this rash.
So in order to be attractive to him, I need to be perfect and
flawless and I'll have a single blemish on my skin.
That sounds exhausting. It's.
Very exhausting. Another one is that I.
(40:02):
I shouldn't be like worked up and upset about what's going on
with my skin and I should be able to cook, clean, work, do
babe philosophy and, you know, be a powerhouse even though I'm
(40:24):
really going through it. So there's the standard to like.
Going through it and not gettingsleep.
Right. But I still need to be
superwoman. And yeah, I mean, I always think
that I should be skinnier. I I love hearing that from you.
It just makes me feel so much better about my mean fat
monitor. This woman has like an 8 pack of
(40:45):
ABS just like no big deal and ifyou can't see like 2 of them her
internal thing is like freaking out.
It's psychotic. It's so awful.
It's so rude. It's so rude.
It's like, how much more work doyou need to do for that voice to
be satisfied? How much hotter do you need to
get? Yeah, way hotter.
Apparently like I don't know if it's possible bro.
I need to be on like a like, if we're like talking point scale
(41:09):
like zero to 10. I meant like a five and Oh my
God, in order to be like super fucking hot I need at least five
points under my belt. Oh my God.
Interesting. Yeah.
Interesting. God that's so evil.
Just. Right now, just lately, it's not
how I always feel. Sometimes I feel like a 10.
(41:31):
Yeah, it's just like, 'cause you've got a skin thing going
on. Yeah, interesting.
OK, well, I'll start with my body critic.
And it's funny to me because shesays the same fucking thing
every fucking time. And this is the one that I
showed you the other day and youtold me put it into ChatGPT and
get it to make an image, 'cause it's the it's the same, it's the
(41:52):
same every time. And it's, I don't actually look
different. OK, Everybody who has ever
experienced body dysmorphia, which I think has to be most of
us. At least with women.
Yeah, for sure. Well, I just because of like all
the fucking ridiculous conditioning we get.
And especially like if you grew up in the 90s and early 2000s,
like super super stick thin was still like so popular and in do
(42:15):
you remember when like Kate Mosswas like really big and she was
like life goals? Don't know who that is, but I
know what you're talking. About She's a British model and
she has a very tiny, tiny, petite skinny body type and that
was like super the vibe. Even I saw a video of fuck, I
didn't even remember Beyoncé being that that skinny.
And there's like videos of her from back then where it's like,
(42:35):
Oh my God, where are her hips and her thighs?
What happened? Yeah, super interesting.
I mean, but even now it's like, OK, we like fat asses now, but
we still it's like your waist better be snatched.
Though, Yeah. Oh, I mean, there's still stuff
happening for sure. I just, there's more variety.
I don't know. I don't know what the fucking
cause of body dysmorphia is but I'm just saying.
(42:56):
That's one for me that my I'm super blocky.
Like yes, yes. I need my my my waistline Could
you could reduce by you know. Yes, 3 or 4 inches.
I have the same fucking thing. I have the same thing.
So that voice tells me very specifically when I look in the
mirror. And this is how I know it's a
(43:16):
body dysmorphia day and to not look in the mirror often.
That I look like a rectangular so don't have a waist.
A rectangular stuffed sausage with flapjack titties.
I have a whole Boo. I've had a boob dysmorphia thing
since I was very young and I look like a man and I literally,
(43:38):
I'll look in the mirror and that's actually what I say.
And she's covered in hair, Yeah.Yes, and I have too much body
hair, which it hence leads to the I'm a man.
So my face like literally my face will when I look in the
mirror look like a square like actually like a fucking like my
jaw just gets very square and then I just perceive I have
(43:59):
literally just hair everywhere, which I didn't say I don't know
why. It's just like there's hair
everywhere. I mean I do have body hair, but
like I take care of it. There's none there now and still
it's everywhere. And then literally it looks my
boobs look like they deflated into like these crazy little
balloons and like they're just hanging there just like this
sack of skin. And then literally my body no
(44:22):
longer has curves. It's just like this rectangle
and I like look to the side and it's just like it just sticks
out so far and it's my stomach sticks out farther than my ass
and that's part of the rectangle.
It's like a. Yeah, I had her input this.
I was like, you need to make ChatGPT create an image for
that, and it did. And it's fucking hilarious.
We should put in the show notes.Oh my God, I'm gonna flash it
(44:43):
here on the screen so that people can just see it straight
up in the episode. Yeah, I don't know if I can put
an image in the show notes, but I should try.
I'll. Put a link?
No, I think it's plenty to put it right here.
Yeah, so if you're just listening, you know, go on
Spotify, watch the video, go on YouTube or somewhere in the 44
minute book. This is what I want to know in
the comments. Do you feel this way?
(45:04):
Do you feel like you look like this 'cause when Chachi PT came
out with the image I was like, oh, I kind of see the same thing
I'm. Just checking the shoes.
Well, she remember one time I was like, hey, I'm having one of
those days where I just look like an old grumpy man and you
go I know exactly what you're talking about and I was like, I
feel so much better knowing you have that same experience.
(45:26):
I just look like an old grumpy man to myself in the mirror
sometimes. Yeah.
So that's my body one and then Ihave a bunch of other ones, but
I think that one's descriptive enough.
We just my brain, my. Descriptor is gorilla.
I often perceive myself as a gorilla.
Oh my God. I love that so much.
You're just like the tiniest thing in the whole world that
you're a gorilla and. I do 'cause I have like these
(45:48):
big thighs and like a big butt and I kind of like walk like a.
Gorilla, you so do not. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That's awful and so funny.
It's so fucked up. I know.
All right, well, you got a your stuffed sausage and your
gorilla. Gorilla, thank you for
(46:08):
listening. We love you follow us on
Instagram at babe dot philosophycomment like subscribe, let us
know what you think, let us knowwhat you're thinking.
Let us know what came up for youduring this episode.
We want to hear from you. Even if you want to shit on us,
that's totally fine. Whatever you need to say, say
it. Just give.
Yeah. We like attention, even if it's
hate, so. Later Babes, thank you for
(46:32):
listening to Babe Philosophy. If you enjoy the show, please
like, rate and subscribe wherever you listen and follow
us on Instagram at Babe dot Philosophy.
Later babes.
OK bitch, I fucking sage the crop out of everything.
I did a little dance and I wrote33 times.
I am rich in my journal. Did you make any money?
No. Why don't you try this?
Spiritual Investor Club. OK, yeah, it looks like this is
actually going to make money make sense to my soul.
(00:21):
Exactly, I think money lengths clarity more than vision boards.
Y'all should check out the spiritual investors club.
We just had a dope ass episode with Elizabeth Ralph.
She is so so clear on money. She retired at the age of 39
having everything she needed andshe now teaches this stuff.
(00:44):
And you can join for $17.00 a month and you can get your first
month free with the code babe. Just follow the links in the
show notes. OK babes, the Babe Philosophy
grimoire is here. Traditionally a grimoire is a
book of spells and rituals and alchemy.
Ours is for the modern day womanto connect to her inner
(01:06):
philosopher. It's part journal, part love
letter, part deep dive into everything we wish we had when
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We made this for every woman who's ever felt too much, not
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It's full of questions, rituals,and raw truths to help you come
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(01:29):
Download it now at babephilosophy.com and tag us at
Babe Philosophy when you're vibing with it on this episode
of Babe Philosophy. Is love and light senting my
growth? Like I don't actually think it's
the love and light itself that is the problem Is your fucking
relationship to the love and light it is How?
We end up here it. Is the idea that you have to be
(01:49):
that all the time? All the time.
And that's the thing I get all confused because I'm like what?
This like love and light conceptis making me feel like shit
about myself. But it's not actually a love and
light concept that's making me feel like shit about myself.
It's how you really hate. It's how I'm relating to the
fact that I think I should be better and more in that state
and I'm not. And now I feel like shit about
myself. This is Babe philosophy.
(02:13):
A podcast where questions mattermore than answers, where liminal
spaces are revered, and where magic is practical.
We are your hosts, Mellie Wolf, and live wickedly.
(02:34):
Hello everybody and welcome back.
Welcome. Welcome to our Stupid podcast.
Oh my God, So Liv and I are here.
We were going to do an interviewtoday, but we had to reschedule
our interview. We had to reschedule.
So we are doing a just live, an iPod.
(02:57):
And we love these because we getto talk about what's just
present for us right fucking now.
So something that has been very relevant to us lately is the
idea of evolving, growing and being the version of us that we
(03:20):
want to be, right? Like visualizing our most
empowered, biggest selves, the millionaires, you know, the
version of Liv and Mellie that are like, on the stage talking
to the crowd. You know, New York, how are we
doing tonight? What the fuck is up and?
Then and connecting to those versions of ourselves and really
(03:41):
feeling into who they are and connecting to all the places
that they are, quite frankly, more evolved than who we are
right now. And take up way more space.
And there is, you know, in that that practice is really
beautiful. And there's something to be said
for connecting to the bigger, brighter, better version of you,
(04:02):
right? And what's been happening for
Liv and I lately, Livin me lately, I think that's actually
correct grammar. What's been happening for me and
Liv lately or Livin me is that we are getting a little bit lost
in that we are it. What's starting to happen in the
space of envisioning our future selves and connecting to who and
(04:26):
what they do and what habits they have in trying to adopt
those and trying to embody those.
And now it's actually pulling usaway from who we are now and
where we are now and what we're doing now.
So, and this isn't like an overarching statement, just like
anything I ever say, but we're noticing this in areas of our
lives where we're like, what thefuck?
(04:48):
Oh my God. Trying to essentially like love
and light my way through this pain point is, is stunting the
reality of where I am now and isn't allowing me to accept who
I am now, where I am now. And it's creating this
dissonance, this like cognitive dissonance that is creating this
(05:09):
void space between where I am and where I think I should be.
So the question for today is, islove and light sunting my
growth? Because there is such a strong
and compelling narrative for staying connected to love,
staying connected to light, staying connected to the zoomed
(05:33):
out perspective, right? Like the higher self perspective
and like Liv and I love to do, we love to just kind of like
breakdown these ideas and these kind of just accepted because
they sound good standards and question them and be like, OK,
(05:54):
well, what's really happening here?
Because there's always more thanone truth, as me and Liv have
established in this podcast many, many times.
So today we're going to examine that and we're going to look at
like, what is actually happeninghere And, you know, where is the
line and where can this go wrong?
(06:17):
It could go wrong everywhere allthe time.
So I think we should start by like maybe talking a little bit
about like the love and light that we're kind of like chasing
right now. What do you think?
Yeah, I think that's a good place to so 'cause when we say
that there's like love and light, like you hear like
(06:40):
cultists say they're like, oh, love and light, love and light,
and then there's like love and there's just love and light in a
lot of different contexts. So I don't know I can kick that
off. Kick it, maybe.
So in my experience of love and light, I closely associate that
to like my most like ascension. Essentially like, the point is
(07:01):
to get from. Enlightenment.
Yes, enlightenment, right? And it and, and when I think
about what's happening for me inthis context, it's in my own
mind, even though I know better.It's very linear and it's
hierarchical and it's very like you just go straight up to the
top. A to B to C to D.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. And there's like, and so because
(07:22):
I am perceiving it that way in my, you know, like background
noise, subconscious, there's like this idea that there's my
highest self and she's way up here and then there's me where I
am right now. And me where I am right now is
like so lowly. She's a serf, she's a plebe.
(07:43):
There's so much about her that is strapping her down and
preventing her from riding the elevator to the top and, you
know, becoming her highest self.And even as I'm saying that I'm
like, God, that's so dumb, Why am I doing that?
But it's what I'm doing. It's how it's occurring to me in
my There's must be some core belief or some foundational
thing that tells me that that's what it's supposed to be.
(08:06):
And so whenever I think of love and light, I mean, I honestly
think of an elevator like a loveand light elevator.
And if I'm not being my highest self, then I'm not being the
most loving and I'm not being the most light.
And then inside of that, there'slike, like you said, there's
this void space. And in that void space, the gap
between who I'm being now and myperception of my highest self, I
(08:27):
don't even actually know that bitch, you know, I actually can
never actualize her 'cause therewill always be a highest self.
But in that void space, all the things that are bad and wrong
about me are like sliding in. And all the reasons that I don't
know, I guess will never be my highest self are there.
Like those arguments just start to kind of like flood in and
(08:47):
germinate for me even right now.Like I can feel that I'm
scattered. I'm a little all over the place
in my internal experience of my thinking process.
And I'm listening to myself talkand then I'm looking at Mellie
and then I'm judging everything that's happening while I'm
trying to talk and to share something valuable in a present
moment. Like that's my day today.
(09:08):
In the sauce, baby, that is whatwe call in the sauce.
Yeah, fully in the sauce in the pan, just cooking from the waist
down. Yeah.
OK. That is good.
And yeah, where I get really caught up is and like where like
the void space that we're talking about, the cognitive
(09:29):
dissonance that we're talking about when we say cognitive
dissonance, it's like your realities aren't matching up.
Like we've talked about this before on this podcast.
It's like you're living something other than what you're
thinking. You're believing something other
than what you're doing. Like there's just not there's
incongruency in like your lived experience.
And, you know, I look at like, Byron Katie and her process of
(09:52):
inquiry. I look at, you know, ROM Das.
I look at all of these like I perceive to be enlightened
beings. And I hear their teachings and
their suggestions or their perspective shifts and they all
(10:16):
make just the most fucking sense.
You know what I mean? Like if I am in love and light
mode, I'm like, of course that makes perfect sense.
And then when I'm in my like, shadow or my darkness, I'm like,
fuck you, you know, like I'm like, fuck.
(10:37):
You shut the fuck. Up.
Stop telling me what to do and how to be.
Yes. And it's really interesting
because it's not even the fuck you that is the problem.
The problem is very meta becauseit's like another layer deep.
It's like I know that in my mindI perceive these people to be
(10:59):
enlightened and their advice andtheir perspectives to be true.
So and now I'm in this experience of feeling
disconnected from these things that I in another version of
myself perceived to be true. And then now if we go to layer
deeper, I'm feeling ashamed thatI'm not living by this thing
(11:20):
that I know to be true. So now there is it's like it's
meta does that. Am I, are you tracking with me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I have this is what I think
you're, I'm hearing you say. And again, my brain is super
loopy today, but what I'm perceiving you're saying is
similar to like a mechanism thatI have where it's like, if you
know better, do better. And if I'm not, if I do know
better and I'm just not doing better or I feel like I can't
(11:43):
access quote UN quote better, I feel ashamed.
Exactly. So it's almost like in the
shadow space, your love and light version of yourself can
become kind of like a trap. It can become like to.
Beat yourself with. Correct.
Like a reprimanding mother. You know, like you should be
ashamed of yourself. Oh yeah, that's totally how it
(12:05):
comes. Down yeah.
So that's, that is the interesting thing, 'cause it's
almost like when we ask this question like, is love and light
something my growth like, I don't actually think it's the
love and light itself that is the problem.
It's your relationship to it is your fucking relationship to the
love and light. It is how?
We end up here it. Is the idea that you have to be
(12:26):
that all the time? All the time.
And that's the thing, it's like where I get lost in the sauce
because I'm, I get all confused,'cause I'm like, what?
This like love and light conceptis making me feel like shit
about myself. But it's not actually the love
and light concept that's making me feel like shit about myself.
It's how you really, it's how I'm relating to the fact that I
think I should be better and more in that state and I'm not.
(12:47):
And now I feel like shit about myself.
I'm so glad we're talking about this because this is exactly I
actually like now that we're talking about this, if I think
about it's so easy, it's a lot easier for me to like watch you
in your process and to see whereyour relationship to The thing
is. Like, oh, that's what's causing
the problem. It's like how you're relating to
that aspect of yourself and samefor you.
(13:07):
You're like Mama, like how you're relating to that.
That's not the vibe. You actually did that for me a
couple days ago, specifically inthis exact arena where I was
like not OK with where I was andI felt like I should be bad and
wrong for it. Fuck my fucking brain.
That totally just fell the fuck out.
Damn it, I lost it. Yeah.
It's totally. I know I was totally and it just
(13:29):
totally disappeared. It's OK.
Bummer. OK, we'll keep talking and if it
pops back up I'll interrupt you.OK, well anyways, so ultimately
it's a battle with ourselves andthe relationship to the thing,
right? So it's like, I think that
there's something to be said. So going back to like the actual
(13:51):
experience of the shadow, it's like there's so much juice
there. And for me, my relationship to
oh, I need to have a higher perspective.
Oh, I need to be my highest self.
Oh, I need to be love and light in this circumstance, but I'm
actually in the darkness. I end up bypassing all the juice
(14:14):
that's in the dark, right? Like because I'm trying to force
myself out of the dark, punch through the clouds and get into
the light, I'm not actually sitting in the dark, observing
the dark, feeling the dark, letting the juices of the dark
do whatever they need to do for me to.
Yeah, almost like you're fermenting in there.
(14:35):
Right, right. And like, like, you know, it's
like sourdough needs the fermentation.
So it's like you kind of need tobe accepting of this state, this
version of yourself, whatever thoughts are in your mind and
not accepting in the way that like you're like, if you think
you're a piece of shit, you're just accepting that.
(14:56):
Like that's your reality now andyou're a piece of shit and
you're gonna be a piece of shit for the rest of your life.
And you might as well just startplaying the part, you know, like
that's kind of reductionist and a little bit extreme.
I feel like what the invitation is more like, OK, I feel like a
piece of shit right now. OK, OK, I feel like a piece of
shit right now. Maybe I am a piece of shit right
(15:18):
now. It like the moment starts and
ends right here. Like it's not.
Doesn't mean anything about who I'm gonna be in the future.
Doesn't mean anything like 'cause that's where it gets out
of hand. Right, yeah, 'cause you start
going catastrophes. When you start making tendrils
into another place. Now I'm gonna die a lonely cat
lady. With no money, I'm never gonna
find love. I'm gonna be broke.
(15:40):
I'm gonna be so embarrassed. And forever.
Yes. Like, that's where the darkness
goes too far, where it's like, OK, what if we can just be in
the darkness? And like, it's like Carolyn
Elliott's existential kink. It's like, can you see what is
here for you without making it love and light, Right?
(16:02):
Can you kind of like be poetic about it?
Can you kind of be like, woe is me, Edgar Allan Poet?
Yes, exactly. Like for myself right now, what
my version would be like I guesswould be like, I have Poison
Ivy, all of my legs. It's been growing for the.
Past can you lift your are you able to show people on the
(16:23):
video? It's yo y'all look at that shit.
It doesn't. Even.
Look, it looks so much worse andthen looks, it literally looks
like she fell off of a bike and just scraped her whole leg
across the concrete. So it's like, you know, OK, and
for context, I have a phobia of skin conditions like period dot.
I have always been weirded out by skin stuff.
(16:47):
It's always giving me the heebiejeebies.
I remember like from a kid all the way through college.
I remember like if you showed mea image of a like a really
creepy skin condition or like a really infected something, I
wouldn't be able to sleep that night.
Like it was fucking, I don't know, I don't know where I got
this. I don't know why I have this,
(17:07):
but it's there. And it has since kind of
subsided in the context of like seeing these things.
Like it doesn't bother me as much to like see gross skin
stuff now, but it's kind of liketransferred into my own skin
health. And so like, and it started with
like my shingles outbreak when Igot shingles at the age of
(17:29):
fucking 30, which is like, what the fuck?
Why? Why me?
Yeah, and just that whole fucking experience, which I did
a solo just smelly pod about it because I got diagnosed with
herpes and it was it. Anyway, shingles is herpes, but
(17:52):
that's a side tangent for another day.
So I am sitting in this just like honestly utter disgust with
myself because I have shingles. I'm covered in Poison Ivy, it's
spreading, it's all over my leg.It's not on my butt, it's on my
back. It's like on my other leg now.
(18:14):
Like it's fucking grossing me out.
It's so fucking itchy. It's driving me insane.
I'm not sleeping well at night because I wake up and I'm just
itching so badly. I have to go downstairs and get
an ice pack and hold it on my legs until like I'm a fucking
icicle and then I can fall asleep again.
(18:34):
And this might sound like some like a tale as well as time for
somebody, right? This might be somebody might
live in the woods and work in the woods and get Poison Ivy
like semi regularly and they're like you're a pussy ass bitch.
What is the problem here? I don't get it.
This is a normal thing that normal people have, but for me
it is implying that I am disgusting worthless.
(18:58):
I'm nobody's never going to wantto touch me again.
You know, my fiance is never going to want to sleep with me
again. I'm going to have my wedding's
in a month. I'm going to be a nasty,
disgusting hag for my wedding covered in Poison Ivy.
Like it goes on and on and on and on.
And there's that's the like, I can either sit there and be
(19:24):
like, OK, none of this is true. Just love and light my way
through it. Everything is fine.
I'm gonna be fine. It's all gonna be OK.
You know, there, this is everything is for me, like and
just like kind of like muscle myself into believing that it is
that this is great, which I don't feel that way at all.
(19:47):
Or I can just be like, OK, this fucking sucks.
I fucking hate this. I feel like a turd bucket and
that is where I'm at right now and I'm going to keep it here.
I'm going to keep it contained. I'm not saying this is what I
have been doing because I haven't been very, I don't
perceive I've been the most graceful with this.
(20:08):
But this is ideally what I thinkwould be the best for me is if I
were to allow the feelings, allow the disgust, allow the
embarrassment, allow the humiliation, allow the shame and
just be like. Fuck, here's here I am, here I
am like I'm just fucking here and I don't need to change it.
(20:33):
I don't need to push it, I don'tneed to whatever.
Like I just need to let it be what it is and I don't.
I also don't need to go so far over to the other side of things
and start making narratives and assumptions about what this
means about me as a person and my identity as a person.
I don't need to start identifying with it so deeply
(20:53):
that it starts to dictate the trajectory of my entire life
either, right? So it's like, where is the sweet
spot where I can just allow the experience that I'm having now?
Let the emotions move through me, let myself feel what I'm
feeling. Cause clearly on some level I
want to feel it, whether it's conscious or not.
That's the existential kink of it.
(21:14):
I'm here because I wanna be like, so let's just be here.
Yeah, that was so well said and it was really beautiful.
And I remember what I was tryingto say earlier, which is
essentially like really, I'm really noticing as Mellie and I
are like going through these things.
And honestly, it's been a lot the whole time we've been
(21:35):
connected to this podcast. And I think at first, the first
stretch of time was really us coming out of our breakups and
like figuring out, you know, in the face of those things, which
aspects of us were shedding and leaving and which aspects of us
were like kind of coming online or, you know, coming back from
the time that I was 12 and shut it off or whatever the fuck.
(21:58):
And then now since we've been like, let's punch it and send it
and make babe philosophy our full time thing, we're going to
make a living. It's been a whole new kind of
initiation consistently and constantly.
And I just feel like the things that keep looping around,
looping around, looping around. And I thought of this when you
brought up Byron Katie and ROM Das because there is, I feel
(22:21):
like there's like these foundations of what these like
enlight, even Eckhart Tolle, like these more enlightened
people, Pema Chandran, people who are like thought leaders in
the world for I don't know how to be human and evolved at the
same time. Like I feel like they do such a
good job holding all of that is 1 be present.
(22:44):
What you can't do if you're chasing love and light, like if
you're running toward love and light all the time, if you're
constant, like there's this ideaof like constantly being in
motion or like just I guess doing in a way.
I don't think everybody has thatthing with like I need to do
something about it. I think a lot of us do.
But there's like this energy of like maybe almost impatience,
(23:07):
even maybe entirely impatience. I don't know, but this whole
idea of like, I need to get somewhere.
I need to get to love and light.So now you're automatically out
of presence or your your fuel's a little dirty because it wants
to push you out of presence. And then what we keep saying
over and over and over again, especially these last few
episodes, is it's like it's yourrelationship to the thing.
(23:29):
Even like I just finished editing the does everyone have
addictions? And we were talking about that a
lot, that really being the focus.
And so and what you were just saying and talking about, to me,
it sounded like ultimately what stunts your growth is not being
with yourself right here, right now.
And also there is a, there is something important about
(23:53):
knowing where you're going in some sense, in some sense,
right? And the knowing where you're
going. I think where I fucked that up,
it's perceiving that where I'm going is anywhere outside of
myself. What do you mean by that?
So like, you know, sometimes when I sit in meditation and I
think about babe philosophy and our goals and like what we want
(24:13):
to achieve da da, da, da, it's very easy for me to say, well,
where I'm going is to a stage somewhere.
I often picture us interviewing Peter Crone.
We're so excited for that day when that's like a possibility.
And you know, I picture us, you know, our big account million.
All that stuff exists outside ofme.
Those will be reflections of theplace that I go to within
myself, right? So I get into this like trap and
(24:37):
I also, I think the love and light thing, like I said, I
perceive it like this elevator and there's this highest,
highest self and like it's all happening in this very 3D way in
my brain and in my mind. But the actual reality is where
I'm going exists within me, inside of me, and I could never
possibly traverse, navigate, expand, allow anything within me
(25:02):
if I'm not with all of me. And the like impatience, the
rush to get out of the dark, theinsistence that it be positive
vibes or that it be over sooner.You know, there's a part of me
that'll you know, if I don't getover it in a day, I'm like,
fucking hell. The thing that Mellie really
helped me with a day or two ago,I don't remember time.
(25:25):
I think it might have been yesterday.
It could have been this morning.I think it was yesterday, but I
think it was yesterday, yeah. She just sent me this reel.
And I knew contextually that hadnothing to do with me, but Oh my
God, my system took it so personally.
I was like, Mellie's sending me this, 'cause I'm not doing good
enough. And then I was like, oh God,
that's so not fucking true. But it was this really pointed
(25:46):
reel. And this man's talking to this
woman about, you know, she's talking about some former
relationship of hers. And I there's no like super
detail at the beginning about what went on in the relationship
for her, but it's very clear that she's still has a lot of
intense feelings about it. And the guy points out you're
that wound that this exivirus pressed on already existed.
(26:10):
It was already there. All he did was poke it, scratch
it, bump up into it. And because you've been
unconscious of it your whole life, it's easy to make the
assumption that that person caused it.
But it was there. It was already there.
It's been there since whenever you fucking created that shit.
And and so I immediately thoughtabout my relationship with Scott
(26:32):
and I immediately went into thisplace of like, oh God, I should
be where this man is telling this woman she should be.
This point that he's making is true.
I know that I know these things.I know better.
Why am I not doing better? But the reality is, and then,
you know, Mellie was great and she was like, hey, Mama, like
just be where you are. It's OK.
(26:52):
Like 1. I didn't mean to trigger you.
Just sending you that because I liked the point.
And then two, like it's OK to just be where you are.
And then she said she's like, let me send you this other real
to offset it. And I'm like, why do you have
these reels like fucking in yourbank just ready to go.
Here's a real to help you live like great.
And it's this other woman and she's talking about she talks
about how she's like, Hey, you, you can have a little more fuck
(27:15):
you in your healing process. Like there can be a little more
like, God, this sucks. Exactly what we're talking about
right now. And so I was watching that and I
was like, that is where I am. And thank you lady on the
Internet for that external validation and permission to be
where I am. But you know, just being, I've
been contemplating and chewing on this over the last however
many hours since the interactionhappened.
(27:37):
And I just keep, it just seems so obvious to me that I actually
am doing. I'm doing all the correct
things. I am already doing the things
that are best for me, that are most aligned, that are going to
allow me to one day not feel that way anymore.
There's nothing else to do. There is a lot more to be, and I
(28:03):
think that is what the mechanismof love and light in my own
internal complex fucks up. It's like always looking for a
checklist. It's always looking for some
kind of external 3D control. But the actual reality of being
of love and light is to just like beat it.
Just like fucking beat it. And the 1st place you beat it is
(28:23):
with yourself. And it's just not loving to beat
yourself with a stick or a standard or an expectation,
especially if you're like actually putting effort in and
doing your best. Like I can tell you beyond a
shadow of a doubt, there are lots of places in my life where
I'm like, I could be doing more.I could be putting more effort
toward that. And I'm just not.
I don't have any fucking shame over those things because I know
I'm not doing it. The places where I'm doing the
(28:46):
fucking most, like healing, getting past my breakup, coping
with having HSV 2 now, my relationships with people I love
and care about, my work. Those are the places where I'm
an asshole to myself, where I'm doing the most and I'm working
the hardest. Those are the places where I'm a
Dick. Like, that's very cool.
(29:07):
Yeah, I love the reframe of the not accepting of self in current
state is actually the drop of love and light that needs to be
picked up. Yep.
Because that is the practice of like in the state of, oh, I'm
way down here in the piteous pit.
(29:29):
It's not oh, OK, let me love andlight up the ladder and be, you
know, and do different, be different, do different.
Let me actually. So maybe, yeah, that's it.
It's like there is love and light in that space and that is
not presenting in the way that you perceive love and light to
be, which is if I was in my highest self, I would XY and Z.
(29:53):
If I was doing the right thing, I would be doing this.
If you know whatever else it is that you aren't actually doing
or aren't actually being, it's not about that.
It's about can I hold myself here 'cause that is love and
like a version of love and lightto genuinely hold yourself where
(30:13):
you are. And that doesn't mean like hype
yourself deeper into the pit. You know what I mean?
That doesn't mean going out and keying cars.
That doesn't mean trashing somebody's reputation.
That doesn't mean going out and just like popping off and being
out of control. It means and or like getting
(30:36):
revenge. It's not vengeful.
It is not. I need to make somebody pay.
It doesn't. It's not diving deeper into the
hole. It's just letting yourself be in
the hole and holding yourself there and being like, OK, this
is OK. I'm allowed to have these
thoughts. I'm allowed to think these
things. Maybe you're thinking about
keying somebody's car. That's fine, as long as you're
(30:56):
just thinking about it and letting yourself think about it.
You know what I mean? Yeah, totally.
I, I think some pretty insane homicidal things.
Often I don't do them, but I think them.
Yeah, I wanna punch so and so I wanna fucking whatever.
Like, that's all fine, as long as you're holding yourself in
the experience enough to actually not have to go do those
things 'cause you're recognizingthat's not actually gonna
(31:17):
resolve the problem. Because this isn't the problem.
The problem is that I'm not holding myself.
And if I were to hold myself, then actually those needs
wouldn't need to be actualized, because what is really needed
here is needing to be held and accepted.
Yeah, for the experience that you're having. 10,000% I'm OK
(31:37):
I'm remembering the other threadof what I was saying earlier
that fell out of my brain. So when I it's so easy for me
when I witness you, Mellie, to like see you in your shit and be
like, dude, I fucking love you. Like I don't need you to be
different. I don't want you to change.
I think you're doing fucking excellent.
Like it's so easy for me to be love and light when I'm watching
Mellie, right? And then when it comes back my
(31:58):
way and I'm in the crap, then, you know, the inner critic comes
out and I'm just the fucking worst and most terrible and it's
just occurring to me. I'm like, that might be a really
good anchor question or practiceis to just when I bill, when I
catch that, that's how I'm treating myself to just say, OK,
if I were Mellie right now, how would I show up?
(32:20):
How would I show up for Mellie? And that could be at like a very
simple, you know, like there's someone out there that you would
show up great for, even if it's just your animal, your pet, any
animal, pet plant. If there is something out there
that you love and there's nothing that that person, thing
animal could do to taint your experience of it because you
(32:41):
love it as it is no matter what,ask yourself when you're being a
ship bag to yourself. How would I treat my dog?
How would I treat my mom? How would I treat my best
friend? How would I show up for them
right now? And that might be a good place
to like just zoom out and be like, oh God, I definitely
wouldn't bring this tone. I wouldn't use these words, you
(33:02):
know, I might make myself, I might make them some food.
I might give them a massage. I might play some music.
I mean, and then you just do that for yourself and boom,
there you go. You're fucking enlightened
because you're actually being the light.
You are. When you're in the void, you're
the light. Stop looking for it elsewhere.
That's the point of the void is you're the light.
(33:22):
And everything that happens in that space that's created in
that space is you painting with your light on a black canvas.
Like that's how I picture it every single time, and then all
of a sudden the part of me that needs to do has something to do,
which is love on myself. You know that love is a verb.
Shit. Yeah, I'm loving where this
(33:45):
conversation is going because, you know, as with all of our
questionings, it's so nuanced inthat it's not the like it's love
and light, as you perceive it tobe in your ideal, is going to
stunt your growth when you're inthe darkness.
(34:06):
But love and light itself will never stunt your growth if you
can meet love and light where you.
Are I love that? Yeah.
What does love and light look like?
Right here, right? Now, yes, not who should I be,
how should I be different, what needs to happen differently than
now? But how can I love myself here
and now the way I am? Yep, What's real right now?
(34:28):
That love and light will never stunt you.
Ever. No, that's the medicine in that
moment. It's your own love and.
Light and it softens the experience.
It softens your edges because you're deep in the sauce, you're
deep in the darkness and you're having like homicidal thoughts,
fucking suicidal thoughts, whatever, if you're freaking
out. And what's enhancing your freak
(34:51):
out is the thought that I need to be love and light, which is
boom, this ideal. And that's creating a greater
void for you because you're so far from that.
But that's not love and light, that's hating on yourself.
It's it. It's a concept.
That's hating on yourself. So the ideal of love and light
(35:13):
is actually hating on yourself when you're in the darkness.
So when you're in the darkness, love and light is let me just
love who I am now, what I'm doing here, what I'm capable of
now and meet myself where I'm at.
And then all of a sudden when you do that, the void just gets
so much smaller. Now you don't have to key
(35:34):
anybody's car. Now you don't have to kill
anybody. Now you don't have to kill
yourself because the void is like collapsing on itself
because you've accepted where you're at.
And now the space between where you're at and where you think
you should be is in the same spot.
And all of a sudden it's not this fucking insane experience
of chaos. Theoretically.
(35:58):
Picking up what you're putting down, my guy.
I'm gonna fucking do some reps with that shit.
Get my biceps. This is 10.
Yeah, no, this was really good. I needed to work through all of
this. We're we are always having a
fucking day when we podcast. It's like the podcast knows my
really, really great days. I'm rarely podcasting.
This is totally making me think of the episode with Justin
(36:21):
Patrick Pierce. And you got to the end of your
processing with him and he askedyou, you know, what would you
want to hear from your lover? You know, if you were going to
show up as your own lover, what would be the ideal thing?
And you paused for a moment and you said you're perfect as you
are. I don't need you to change.
(36:42):
That's it, That's it. Right fucking there.
That's the love and the light and the spin out and in the dark
is your. You are so OK as you are.
I don't need you to change. I love you just this way.
That's making me think of our episode with Annie Bond where
she said, you know, she said that.
She referenced the saying treat others how you want to be
(37:03):
treated. And she was like, that's a
garbage saying because we treat ourselves like shit.
Treat, treat others how you would treat your best friend.
Treat yourself how you would treat just like you were saying,
how would I treat somebody I love and want to hype up and
(37:23):
want to like facilitate the bestexperience for?
Because I'm not gonna be like my.
The baseline for most of us is not speaking to ourselves in
that way. We have to learn that shit.
And the people who do do that 'cause I know there are a lot of
people in the world that have like that, do that and are able
to do that. And those are the millionaires,
billionaires, whatever. Like those are the people who
are just like absolutely crushing in life because they're
(37:49):
they've found the place where they truly believe that they are
the shit. Yeah, I'm worth this.
Duh. Yeah, like I should have more.
Exactly. Where's more?
I need more. For better, for worse.
Oh my God, yeah. Awesome.
OK, well, I feel complete. Yeah, I think this was great.
(38:10):
I hope this was helpful to otherpeople.
I know there's other people who be beating themselves up.
They're not perfect. Yes, tell us about your, tell us
about your shit that you beat yourself up for and tell us
about your experience with love and light.
Because I know this is somethingthat everybody experiences and
it's not that many of us that are actually being transparent
and honest about it. So it's I find it always super,
(38:32):
really, super, really refreshingwhen somebody shares with me
like, Oh yeah, I struggle with this.
And I'm like, oh fuck, you're a human too.
Get out of here. OK, before we sign off, I think
it would be fun to share a little bit of the inner dialogue
that we're experiencing when we need to be love and light and
we're not. Do you want to share any of the
(38:54):
awesome things that your brain says to you that are super
helpful? Yeah.
Some of the most frequent ones for me in the most recent future
have been that if I was truly inmy authenticity and in my genius
and in my highest version of myself, like I wouldn't have
(39:16):
skin problems. So it's an indication that I am
a piece of shit and that if I had a better mentality, like I
can I my mentality is dictating the extent to my rash of Poison
Ivy. So I need to have a better
(39:38):
mentality. I need to have a better
whatever. Another one is that my partner
thinks I'm disgusting if I have this rash.
So in order to be attractive to him, I need to be perfect and
flawless and I'll have a single blemish on my skin.
That sounds exhausting. It's.
Very exhausting. Another one is that I.
(40:02):
I shouldn't be like worked up and upset about what's going on
with my skin and I should be able to cook, clean, work, do
babe philosophy and, you know, be a powerhouse even though I'm
(40:24):
really going through it. So there's the standard to like.
Going through it and not gettingsleep.
Right. But I still need to be
superwoman. And yeah, I mean, I always think
that I should be skinnier. I I love hearing that from you.
It just makes me feel so much better about my mean fat
monitor. This woman has like an 8 pack of
(40:45):
ABS just like no big deal and ifyou can't see like 2 of them her
internal thing is like freaking out.
It's psychotic. It's so awful.
It's so rude. It's so rude.
It's like, how much more work doyou need to do for that voice to
be satisfied? How much hotter do you need to
get? Yeah, way hotter.
Apparently like I don't know if it's possible bro.
I need to be on like a like, if we're like talking point scale
(41:09):
like zero to 10. I meant like a five and Oh my
God, in order to be like super fucking hot I need at least five
points under my belt. Oh my God.
Interesting. Yeah.
Interesting. God that's so evil.
Just. Right now, just lately, it's not
how I always feel. Sometimes I feel like a 10.
(41:31):
Yeah, it's just like, 'cause you've got a skin thing going
on. Yeah, interesting.
OK, well, I'll start with my body critic.
And it's funny to me because shesays the same fucking thing
every fucking time. And this is the one that I
showed you the other day and youtold me put it into ChatGPT and
get it to make an image, 'cause it's the it's the same, it's the
(41:52):
same every time. And it's, I don't actually look
different. OK, Everybody who has ever
experienced body dysmorphia, which I think has to be most of
us. At least with women.
Yeah, for sure. Well, I just because of like all
the fucking ridiculous conditioning we get.
And especially like if you grew up in the 90s and early 2000s,
like super super stick thin was still like so popular and in do
(42:15):
you remember when like Kate Mosswas like really big and she was
like life goals? Don't know who that is, but I
know what you're talking. About She's a British model and
she has a very tiny, tiny, petite skinny body type and that
was like super the vibe. Even I saw a video of fuck, I
didn't even remember Beyoncé being that that skinny.
And there's like videos of her from back then where it's like,
(42:35):
Oh my God, where are her hips and her thighs?
What happened? Yeah, super interesting.
I mean, but even now it's like, OK, we like fat asses now, but
we still it's like your waist better be snatched.
Though, Yeah. Oh, I mean, there's still stuff
happening for sure. I just, there's more variety.
I don't know. I don't know what the fucking
cause of body dysmorphia is but I'm just saying.
(42:56):
That's one for me that my I'm super blocky.
Like yes, yes. I need my my my waistline Could
you could reduce by you know. Yes, 3 or 4 inches.
I have the same fucking thing. I have the same thing.
So that voice tells me very specifically when I look in the
mirror. And this is how I know it's a
(43:16):
body dysmorphia day and to not look in the mirror often.
That I look like a rectangular so don't have a waist.
A rectangular stuffed sausage with flapjack titties.
I have a whole Boo. I've had a boob dysmorphia thing
since I was very young and I look like a man and I literally,
(43:38):
I'll look in the mirror and that's actually what I say.
And she's covered in hair, Yeah.Yes, and I have too much body
hair, which it hence leads to the I'm a man.
So my face like literally my face will when I look in the
mirror look like a square like actually like a fucking like my
jaw just gets very square and then I just perceive I have
(43:59):
literally just hair everywhere, which I didn't say I don't know
why. It's just like there's hair
everywhere. I mean I do have body hair, but
like I take care of it. There's none there now and still
it's everywhere. And then literally it looks my
boobs look like they deflated into like these crazy little
balloons and like they're just hanging there just like this
sack of skin. And then literally my body no
(44:22):
longer has curves. It's just like this rectangle
and I like look to the side and it's just like it just sticks
out so far and it's my stomach sticks out farther than my ass
and that's part of the rectangle.
It's like a. Yeah, I had her input this.
I was like, you need to make ChatGPT create an image for
that, and it did. And it's fucking hilarious.
We should put in the show notes.Oh my God, I'm gonna flash it
(44:43):
here on the screen so that people can just see it straight
up in the episode. Yeah, I don't know if I can put
an image in the show notes, but I should try.
I'll. Put a link?
No, I think it's plenty to put it right here.
Yeah, so if you're just listening, you know, go on
Spotify, watch the video, go on YouTube or somewhere in the 44
minute book. This is what I want to know in
the comments. Do you feel this way?
(45:04):
Do you feel like you look like this 'cause when Chachi PT came
out with the image I was like, oh, I kind of see the same thing
I'm. Just checking the shoes.
Well, she remember one time I was like, hey, I'm having one of
those days where I just look like an old grumpy man and you
go I know exactly what you're talking about and I was like, I
feel so much better knowing you have that same experience.
(45:26):
I just look like an old grumpy man to myself in the mirror
sometimes. Yeah.
So that's my body one and then Ihave a bunch of other ones, but
I think that one's descriptive enough.
We just my brain, my. Descriptor is gorilla.
I often perceive myself as a gorilla.
Oh my God. I love that so much.
You're just like the tiniest thing in the whole world that
you're a gorilla and. I do 'cause I have like these
(45:48):
big thighs and like a big butt and I kind of like walk like a.
Gorilla, you so do not. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That's awful and so funny.
It's so fucked up. I know.
All right, well, you got a your stuffed sausage and your
gorilla. Gorilla, thank you for
(46:08):
listening. We love you follow us on
Instagram at babe dot philosophycomment like subscribe, let us
know what you think, let us knowwhat you're thinking.
Let us know what came up for youduring this episode.
We want to hear from you. Even if you want to shit on us,
that's totally fine. Whatever you need to say, say
it. Just give.
Yeah. We like attention, even if it's
hate, so. Later Babes, thank you for
(46:32):
listening to Babe Philosophy. If you enjoy the show, please
like, rate and subscribe wherever you listen and follow
us on Instagram at Babe dot Philosophy.
Later babes.
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