December 19, 2024 • 32 mins
We recorded a bunch of Christmas scenes ages ago, enjoy. It involves Santa, dead beat dads & court cases.
It features: Patrick Meier; Laura Conlon; Kieran Sands; Eddie Goodwin; Amelia Price; Eoghan Fox; Declan King; Kit Reese & Conor Reddick.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Santa? Hello? Why do you want to put stars in their eyes?
(00:11):
I just got very tired of putting presents under trees.
Santa? What?
It's not feasible. What?
It's not feasible mate.
Just amuse him. Just amuse him.
Santa? So why do you want to go and put stars in their eyes?
(00:35):
Well I like to see that kitty's happy.
Is that enough for you, son?
The same old story, but I just didn't realise.
Wow. He's just so poetic. He's lovely, really.
Do you know what, mum? Yeah.
(00:56):
It's a long way to go from bedroom dance routines to this shit.
Language, now dear.
What in front of the house?
You had more questions for Santa, didn't you dear?
Don't be afraid. I do.
Tell me, son. Don't call me dad.
(01:18):
Don't call. Thank you.
Oh, just because you called me kiss and settle once doesn't make him your father.
We're not officially dating.
Oh, everyone. Harry called Santa does.
Listen, being your mother, I'm very secure.
Being your mother sometimes sees each other in an adult way.
However, we're not official as a couple yet. We're not official.
(01:44):
That's kind of worse.
Are we not official?
What do you find out, you know?
I've got another question, Santa.
What? Tell him.
Father Christmas? I can call you that, can't I?
Oh, well, of course you can.
Well, okay. So, I've had the same jeans on for four days now.
(02:05):
I can't even get them off.
I'm going to go to a disco in the middle of the town.
Do you think this shirt goes with these jeans?
Well, I wear the same suit. I wore the same suit for hundreds and hundreds of years.
So, no.
That's not true.
(02:25):
Santa, why do you have to constantly undermine me when it comes to your son?
I just thought you looked great in that white tee.
What, you bought me?
Well, I bought you, yes.
But I should have a look now, don't I?
I have a look that I have to maintain.
You're lucky I'm here.
(02:46):
Being presentable in front of my boy.
So, could you please amuse him for the moment?
So, I'm going to say this to you now.
I'm not his stepdad.
Yet.
Yet, yet, yet being the key word.
Yet, yet.
(03:08):
So, there's progress then?
Well, you know, I could be anyone's stepfather, if you think about it.
Welcome. Back to Dumbracken.
(03:46):
I bet you.
I can prove in court that Santa's real.
I think I could do it.
Who's your witness?
Who's my witness?
Yeah, who'll back you up in that?
Santa himself.
You seem skeptical now, but I'm building a strong, strong case.
(04:07):
So, you know Santa already?
Oh, we've been writing letters for years.
Why in for a favor?
He said we've been writing letters for years.
Yeah, he writes me back.
Yeah, I was just checking.
Does he not write you back?
Never.
No.
Never got one.
I think it's because of my letter.
I also ask how he's doing.
A lot of kids don't do that.
What does he say usually?
(04:29):
Does it change year from year?
Yeah, he's had some good and rough years, but you know, I think also when I was younger,
he was sort of hiding some of the tough years from me.
I'm gonna ask you.
Yeah.
Did any of that ever correspond with your parents' divorce or general?
You know what, it's very funny.
He saw it coming to you before it happened.
He saw it said, I'm gonna get you an extra big present this year because...
(04:50):
Does he knew what was coming?
He said, you're gonna have a tough summer.
Just remember, you're strong kids and no matter what your parents do, they still love you.
And he was right.
They do still love me.
They just don't love each other.
Did you have a tough summer?
Yeah, the divorce was rough.
I made it through.
I think that bike really helped.
But he got the timers right.
(05:12):
They got divorced over summer.
It was an ongoing litigation, but it started.
Yeah, summer was a rough patch.
Oh.
Yeah.
I never received anything back from Santa.
Might be because I keep challenging him.
You keep challenging him.
Keep challenging him to jewels.
He won't do that.
He won't fight a kid.
Not a kid anymore?
Still writing to him?
(05:34):
No.
There you go.
I still keep in touch.
I always ask Santa to donate some toys to charity.
I'm going to donate them to charity for some kids who need them.
Not my toys, but some toys.
So, if every who had toys go missing, that was me.
Do you know how many gloves I've lost?
That wasn't me.
That's related to what we're talking about.
(05:56):
It is.
Yeah.
I send a glove every time with my letter.
I'm challenging him.
I say, slap yourself in the face.
I'm coming for you big boy.
Bullung glove or leather?
Different gloves every time.
Ever since I was two.
You don't become Santa by not knowing how to win a duel.
He's been around for hundreds of years.
(06:17):
He's been challenged with so many duels.
And yet he won't take me? What does that say about him?
He won't fight a child.
I'm not a child anymore.
You haven't challenged him as an adult, have you?
No.
No, okay.
If he shows up in your courtroom,
you're gonna challenge him to a duel.
No, he's a witness.
You can't attack witnesses.
Stop attacking witnesses.
I'm not gonna attack a witness.
I'm gonna ask a witness to set a place and time and I'll be there.
Does he ever tell you how the renders are doing
(06:39):
or is it only if you ask them?
You know, sometimes mention, yeah, Rudolph's recovering great.
Recovering.
Oh, yeah, I know.
He heard his hoof in the summertime,
but he should be ready for Christmas.
A different summer than your parents divorce.
That was like 25 years ago.
This was this summer.
Oh, you ever have summer then too?
(07:01):
Oh, it's just some people. Not me.
Do you think he's just like horoscopes?
And he's just like, ah, this kid's gonna have a bad summer.
This kid's probably gonna have a good summer.
That's 50-50 chance.
I mean, he knows everything about everyone.
He knows a big lesson who's good, bad.
Tell you what, he'd be a great judge.
But you know what, he's committed to, he has his passion.
I did ask if he wanted to be a judge
or he ever interested in, he said,
(07:21):
he was a bid for like the fourth century, but it wasn't for him.
Oh, well.
Are you trying to get in his will or something?
He's immortal.
He can't, that doesn't really matter.
Big pay-outs.
I don't know.
He has a lot of charitable endeavors.
Kaelin, if you ever kill him.
You're not gonna kill Santa.
Why?
If I get the chance, I'll try.
You won't get the chance?
Okay, say it your court, say it your little court date.
(07:44):
Okay, my court date and your duel of Santa are separate issues.
Separate issues, but if I can finally speak to him,
man to man.
I don't challenge your crimes and duels.
Make it worth his while.
Let him kill two birds with one stone
and Kaelin can kill him.
You've been travel times an issue for Santa.
Really?
Santa, the man who visits every home in a single night.
(08:05):
You don't think he can do to commute?
I think he can do to commute.
You listen to yourself.
You sound ridiculous.
I think he just doesn't want to like overstay
and dembracken for too long.
You know?
None of us do.
You don't challenge my clients to duels.
Yeah.
Oh, okay, but every time they get hit by bosses,
you're, okay, no, it's fine.
(08:26):
No, no, continue in line of thought.
Every time they get hit by bosses,
every time you get hit, they get hit by bosses.
You sit there.
Every time.
Every time.
One of my clients, yeah, it's okay.
Two of my clients have got hit by bosses.
Yeah, every time one of your clients
gets hit by multiple bosses in one instance.
Every time one of my clients gets hit by multiple bosses.
(08:46):
You won't even look at them in court.
You won't take on their cases when I say I'm not allowed to
because I have a thing with bosses.
And you won't even look at them.
You won't challenge them.
You won't do anything.
No, it's fine.
But then you won't even take them off.
I represent the bus company.
I'm obviously not going to take on the opposition.
(09:07):
There's a conflict of interest.
And also, you say they get hit by bosses.
That's never proven in court.
Because no one will take their cases.
It's not my fault.
I'm not allowed to do it.
I have a thing about bosses.
I'm not allowed to do it because I was the bus driver.
So that rules me out.
Yeah.
And you know what?
You've done nothing wrong.
So.
Thank you.
(09:28):
Thank you.
Should we be talking about this outside of the courtroom?
I'm on recess.
We're all on recess.
No, I could pay by the hour.
I'm on the clock here.
So feel free to call time.
(09:50):
We might have an issue with our Santa.
He keeps saying that he could be anyone's stepfather.
And he's been saying it to quite a few of the kids.
I don't know if we should get a new one.
It feels like a big health and safety violation.
No.
In what ways is it a health and safety violation?
Well, mental health and safety, that's included in the bracket,
(10:13):
isn't it?
No.
No, that's a difference.
OK, sorry.
Now, do we know his either stepdad?
No, he's saying he could be.
He's always keeping it hypothetical.
So technically, there isn't a lawsuit on its way.
But if he could be my stepdad, if he married my mom.
Well, yeah, but so could anyone, because anyone
would marry your mom.
(10:34):
Is that a compliment?
Yeah, she's lovely.
I don't like that kind.
It wasn't insulting, but it feels wrong.
It felt weird.
It feels like that one kind of might need to go to HR.
Yeah, then that's health and safety.
That's health and safety.
That's health and safety.
That's health and safety.
Yeah, because I am worried about the CFD of one of my coworkers.
But you're not worried about the safety of, oh, sure.
I focused a bit on the health bit.
(10:55):
No, you're not in danger.
I focused too much on the health bit
before rather than the safety of the people, the kids, who
Santa was saying, stepfather.
I'm just worried that a lot of the kids come into our store
are going to be like overpromised.
I don't want 15 kids waking up without a father.
Well, they wake up every morning without a father.
(11:16):
But once they're expecting a stepfather,
do we have a lot of?
And he doesn't show up.
This stuff has been busy in the hypothetical sense
of telling kids that it could be their stepfather.
Given that all of these children know
to be their fathers, and this Santa is very popular
with the single moms.
That is true.
Maybe.
Perhaps there's some truth in this.
I think it's fair to say that, again, hasn't crossed the line.
(11:39):
He just keeps saying could be, could be a stepfather.
Do we know he's not going to follow through on his promise?
I mean, he hasn't followed through yet.
Because if he follows through and we fire him for this,
that's true.
Where did you even find this guy?
What?
Where did you find this guy?
Like, where did you hire him from?
Court.
Court?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
(11:59):
I found him in the court.
Yeah, what do you mean with court?
You were in court, and you found what was?
No, I wasn't in court.
I was in the courts.
You were doing charity, yeah?
I wish.
No, I was standing trial.
You said you weren't in court.
I said I wasn't in court.
I was in the courts standing trial.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
(12:19):
Who was?
How did you meet this guy?
Who was he?
He was my defendant.
Hold on, you were standing trial, and he was your defendant.
So you're here, so he must be good then?
He was very good, yeah.
He must be good, but it sounds like he's
being quite inappropriate for someone who's,
like, upholding the law.
Well, I'm not sure.
I don't know that he was supposed to be in the room.
Hang on, shouldn't you have told us?
(12:42):
I thought you were on a holiday.
I wasn't a work-related matter, or was a personal matter.
I've read the Health and Safety Manual.
He doesn't have to tell us that.
If it's a crime committed outside of work hours,
it's done business.
Exactly.
Might have been on work property,
but it was outside of work time.
We're in a mall.
So it's a big property.
Yeah, it's huge.
We can't be responsible for every crime that happens in the mall.
(13:03):
Even once we commit.
No, I do disagree.
If you do commit a crime in the mall that you commit,
then you know you've committed it.
That does kind of fall.
Well, I thought this Santa was able to disprove.
Well, he wasn't Santa there, but.
Well, he wasn't Santa during the.
Reward, I couldn't pay him.
So I got him a job.
(13:24):
What kind of person takes being Santa as a reward?
He was a public defender.
He needed money.
He needed money, or maybe he just wanted access to single moms.
I don't know what his motives were.
This is something like a health and safety
or a safeguarding issue at this point.
That's what I've been saying.
No, that's what I've been saying.
I think none of you guys actually know what health and safety means.
(13:46):
It's not a health and safety hazard.
It's just kind of icky.
OK, yeah, fair.
So we're legally in the clear.
But if we weren't, I think this Santa would be good enough
to get us in the clear as well.
We're talking about legality.
If it maybe we should get a lawyer at some point,
we could get something.
(14:08):
So this present pile is for you.
That's you.
This present pile is for you.
And this is for you.
Thanks, Dad.
No worries.
Thank you, Dad.
No worries.
Would you like to open them right now?
Is mom going to?
(14:30):
Yes, that's what I want tomorrow.
I know it's seven, but I've had over a few ports.
So I need to get this.
I need to get the stump where I pass out for lunch.
You had a few ports already?
You got up at six?
Well, port glasses, son, are very small.
(14:51):
So I took them more like shots.
I took them more like shots.
This one gets them.
Thanks, Dad, for the ass tray.
No worries, son.
I know you like to have a few things.
I really don't, Dad.
You what?
I don't smoke, Dad.
(15:11):
Well, hopefully this will encourage you to get into it.
I don't think it's cool for you, Dad.
Well, who says that?
Literally, science.
We don't think it's cool for you.
They're dead.
Dad, you stop smoking for Christmas.
That's all.
I don't even want my present.
Dad, that's you.
Oh, you boys, you're killing me.
You're killing me.
My present is a packet of sponges to wash a car with.
(15:36):
I don't.
Yes, it is.
I don't have a car.
And if your mother would open her present in.
Grandma, car.
Well, you've ruined it now.
You've ruined us the prize.
Well, you shouldn't have put sponges in the presents
with my gifts.
What does it mean?
(15:56):
I didn't know that she'd think that'd be open car sponges.
I thought that'd be sponges for your disgusting apartment.
It's full of shite and shit.
There's a car on the picture of the sponges.
Oh, I fucked up there.
I majorly fucked up.
High presents, air fresheners.
Yes, it is.
It is.
That is must have cost three quid.
(16:18):
I know, but the car cost a lot more than that.
So I thought you'd be happy for your mother.
I got her a Nissan Micra.
I thought you'd want to donate the presents to your mother
and feel joy to that.
Because charity, you know, you all went to Catholic school
and went to Mass.
So, you know, charity and all that shit.
So, but the Nissan Micra took up most of the budget.
(16:40):
So I mean, did honestly, I'm on a pretty good APR plans.
So I'm hoping for the best with that.
Sorry, why did I get sponges?
You got air fresheners and you got an ashtray?
Ashtray.
Are you saying that's the smoke in the fucking car?
Is that what you're saying?
Well, what the fuck else are we going to do in the car?
Well, that's actually illegal.
(17:02):
What?
It's illegal to smoke in the car with your kids.
I've heard everything.
No, I've heard fucking everything.
Seriously, you have to have we fucking belts on you.
You have a fashion accessory to get to fucking eight a day.
Yeah, it's called social justice, Dad.
You need to stop that.
Social fucking justice.
I tell you what social fucking justice.
I have to work 58 hours a week.
(17:26):
And then I go to the pub and I have a few pints with the boys.
And then I drive back and what did they do?
They fucking put me in prison.
Oh, my God.
That's social justice.
That's fucking social justice.
I'm very glad.
I'm sorry I'm not wearing a fucking fashion accessory
to make sure I didn't hit any more pedestrians.
(17:48):
It's not my fucking fault.
She should have seen where she was going.
Dad, you went up on the pavement, Dad.
Dad, is that why you bought your mom and Nissa
a micro so she can pick you up from the pub?
Right.
I'm going to be fucking dead honest with you right now.
I totally destroyed it.
(18:08):
I went into a barrier, but it's fine.
I only hit a fax.
What, last night, Dad?
They're endangered, Dad.
I only hit a fax.
They're endangered, Dad.
Who gives a fuck?
They're protected species.
You know what?
The fucking crack is endangered.
They're protected species.
The crack is endangered.
I have been trying to spice up this house.
(18:29):
I've been doing my best.
Spice it up with smoke, Dad.
Second-hand smoke in the house, Dad.
I didn't realize, oh, so when you go to fucking nightclubs
and they had the ambiance, and you're going, oh, no.
Someone's smoking in here.
No, it's ambiance.
I'm at nightclubs.
He's crap.
He's not going to nightclubs.
I don't walk a notch.
Jesus fucking Christ.
(18:50):
When I was your age, right, right, right.
When I was your age, I was going from work to the pub.
And then I was working doing, I was doing a people round.
Because I was the youngest.
And then I was working on the tractor.
And then I was doing the sardine and all the stuff
in the factory.
You know, I want to show you.
(19:11):
The one we go past when we're going there.
And then the one with the door.
Dad.
I'm in there.
Now we've heard this story a million times.
Well, why don't you fucking listen then?
Because I repeat myself about 12 fucking thousand times.
And you keep going on about the same fucking things.
And I frankly haven't heard enough of it.
I frankly haven't heard enough of it, Frank.
(19:32):
That's why I think that's why I called you that.
Because frankly, you were an absolute fucking gobshite,
honestly.
I try and get you an ash tray to enjoy yourself with.
And I get your mother an nesan micro.
OK, I crashed it to you.
I crashed it.
The fox, I mean, I saw the fear in its fucking eyes.
But I don't need to go to the fucking therapy like you do.
I don't need to fucking do that.
(19:54):
I'm just saying the ash trays for the ambiance
in the nesan micro.
The sponges of when you're doing the fucking car.
And this Christmas, I'm going to have a few more sherrys.
Help your mother in the kitchen.
Because I'm going to have a few fakes in the nesan, OK?
Right, see you boys later.
(20:15):
Like.
Just wanted a space hopper down.
Just a space hopper.
Let's go, fellas.
Let's help, man.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, nice.
Isn't that?
Strongly known.
Ah, but to test the bounds of what life is to best.
The bounds of God.
(20:39):
Our next week's the brush.
Well, he went from his coma.
How's reality changed with each brush stroke?
It's the 16th sister. Is she real?
Might have.
Next week.
(21:02):
Think about the facts of the case that have been presented to you.
And make a fair and just assessment, as you so believe.
Thank you very much, Jerry.
Guys, like, I don't know.
I just feel bad saying they're guilty like three days before Christmas.
So if we can all just say not guilty, I'm like, it's a Christmas miracle.
(21:23):
That would be great.
I just need the numbers on it.
No, I'm still going to say that I think they murdered them.
I don't care if I'm the only one out there.
I'm just going to say that I think they murdered them.
I don't care if I'm the only one out of all of us.
It was a collision.
It wasn't murder, right?
(21:45):
I'll probably agree with you, but I might wait till after Christmas.
I don't want to be alone on Christmas Day.
So be nice to be in here and talking to you guys over Christmas.
You're just going to ask us to deliberate for another what, 96 hours?
Yeah, we could just hang out.
I brought men's pies and we're allowed to use the microwave.
I have a family to get back to.
(22:08):
Well, I don't.
Well, no, hey, no, it's okay because I think I think we're friends now.
Right?
Like this is bonded us.
So I think we wrapped us up.
Not guilty.
We can get them involved like we can have a little shindig together.
We can do drinks on Christmas Eve.
Everyone who's been involved in the case can come along.
They can drop in.
You can bring your family and bring partners, you know, I don't want to bring my family
(22:33):
to some sort of open bar murder call.
I don't want to do that.
A murder call because he's not guilty.
No, no, big Christmas Eve sleepover.
Well, what?
Sleepover.
Where?
Your house.
My house?
Big Christmas Eve sleepover in your house and I'll just tell.
I live in a flat.
I live in one bed.
(22:55):
And you never stop boasting about it.
You never done it for a good price.
I really feel like we've got to know each other over the last four weeks.
I live in a wardrobe.
I'm okay with that.
You don't need to constantly go on about your flat.
You don't want to be on your own.
And I was just going to meet in like a third space like a pub.
Big Christmas Eve sleepover at the pub.
They're not using the space on Christmas Day.
(23:18):
That's fine.
We couldn't have that big one in my house anyway because it's a one bed.
That man was caught on camera stabbing someone.
It was a, it was one of those knives that collapses in on itself.
I know that, you know that.
Everybody knows that.
It was a little bit of a rough and tumble, you know?
Just a little bit.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, you know, someone died, but that wasn't his fault.
(23:40):
It wasn't his fault.
That's very convincing.
I'm going to change my mind.
I was with you here, but that was very convincing.
Sure.
Number four.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
No, I thought the video ever initially that was definitive proof.
Are you in for Christmas Eve pints?
Um, phew, open bar or?
I'm not paying.
Oh, no, then.
(24:01):
We'll just walk out.
Do rhymes.
Can't just walk out of a court.
No, the pub.
We'll just walk out of the pub.
Oh, yeah, Dandash.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I already know you're all morally corrupt.
Oh, don't tight.
What about that?
That family sitting in the country there crying their eyes out because their father is dead.
(24:23):
Murdered.
They're not going to get any compensation.
Listen, do we get compensated for a time here?
We could paint our normal work wages.
And I think the murderer also has a family and they're waiting on him to get back with
a sense of not guilty.
That's what you're trying to say.
Let's not ruin two families.
Yes.
(24:44):
No, that was a, that was a flippant point.
Don't everyone agree to it.
I'd quite like to see my brother this Christmas.
So he can come to the pints.
Not only if he's found innocent.
Maybe the dag guys family need a plus one at the table this Christmas.
Look, after this finish, you can shoot your shot, but I wouldn't do it in the room.
(25:06):
A little holiday romance.
Is that what you're thinking?
We can make an eye at each other.
Okay, okay.
But to be fair, then you would need to say that the murderer was guilty.
You see, you can't be like, yeah, I let them off, but hey, you want to...
Just be like, oh, there's other guys doing it.
I just had to go along with it.
That's fine.
Also, my brother's been sleeping with her for years.
So, yeah.
(25:27):
Maybe your brother's the murderer.
I mean, he was on trial.
Juror number four, is that the reason you never say your name to any of us?
You've just been Juror number four this whole time because it is your brother out there.
I can say my name, Daniel.
Okay.
There was text about a Daniel.
Are you the Daniel that was in those texts?
Yeah.
Of course he was my brother.
(25:49):
We text, it's normal.
Do you think he'd go to pints?
And you were going to find him guilty?
We were going to find him guilty just moments ago.
There was a lot of evidence.
I have siblings.
I know what it's like.
I said I could be impartial.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, my God.
Ha ha ha.
(26:11):
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
So, I heard you guys needed a lawyer.
Yeah, we're just worried about some of the things that you yourself have been doing.
So, we're just checking the legal waters.
Is there a conflict of interest there?
You're prosecuting yourself?
No, he's defending himself.
(26:32):
No, I'm defending myself and I am the defendant.
Okay.
And he would be defending the company.
You wouldn't be the, we would be liable if you did something.
I would be the lawyer for myself.
I know exactly what I have and haven't done.
So, we were essentially just, there's been a lot of you telling children that you could be their stepfather.
Yes.
We're wondering if you're going to make good on any promises.
(26:56):
Well, I, you know, this is a work related matter.
So, you don't have to tell us.
No.
Is this a health and safety matter?
Good question.
Well, no, I wouldn't say so.
I told you.
I told you.
I wouldn't say it is unless of course something were to happen between me and one of the moms in the elf shack.
(27:20):
Why did you put specificity on the location?
Well, where else are we going to, you know, do it?
It's fair point.
Clares.
Poplar hookup spot.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Hang on here.
What?
It's a hookup spot.
Where are you getting this information?
It's got blinds on it.
Yes.
Yeah.
(27:41):
Very popular.
Close the curtains.
Someone put down a mattress.
I put down a mattress.
Hang on.
I think, has that mattress been a health and safety check?
Was that your signal you put a mattress outside the door so that people knew that the room was being used?
That is a health and safety issue.
It's inside.
It's inside.
Is it outside?
There's a mattress outside.
I thought it was a signal for someone getting busy.
(28:04):
It's inside.
Like a pineapple.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like for swingers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Except a mattress.
Blocking a fire exit.
That is a health and safety issue.
I agree that.
It's bigger.
It's half as big as you.
Okay.
So if anyone does anything in the elf shack, we're not going to put mattresses and block
the exit.
You should be doing anything in the elf shack.
(28:25):
No, you can put a mattress in the elf shack.
But not blocking the door.
Yeah.
Just not blocking the door.
So you need to put a fire retardant on it.
Make sure that no flame is there.
No plug.
There's no plug in the elf shack.
It's just a wooden.
Okay.
Perfect.
You can definitely put a shagging mattress down there.
What?
(28:46):
Sorry?
Shagging mattress.
Shagging mattress.
Hang on here.
Let's take this back a few steps.
And can I just say the magic that we're creating in the mall, which makes this technically,
legally, the jurisdiction is that plan.
So the laws are different in that land.
So I don't like the act of looking for lip-pals.
(29:06):
That makes me uncomfortable.
Right then.
So I am Santa Claus.
I'm a lawyer.
So we are paying this by the...
In it, I believe.
Well, I'm sort of going to be charging double because, you know, still wearing the costume,
the beard, the hat, the wig, the rings.
You should try that in court.
I bet you that would...
(29:27):
So I will be...
Oh, that's...
I bet you that would swing a jury.
Any of you need a lawyer?
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yes.
Sorry.
Yeah.
So this is what we're going to need to do.
No more elves shagging in the elf shack.
Okay.
Only the top brass.
Only me.
Oh, no.
(29:47):
No.
No.
I really don't think that this is in the...
Only me.
No.
Hold on.
Can we do like a shift thing?
Hang on here.
I think...
My marriage has been better than ever since this match was...
Congratulations.
You can always...
I think in...
I think there's a holister nearby that doesn't really check their changing rooms much, so
(30:09):
that's an option.
Yeah, yeah, but the attendance to attractive, it makes me feel...
Quite dark in there, so that's an option for you.
Even so, he shines.
I don't...
I just...
I don't...
I know it's going well with your wife, but I don't need to do that.
I think he's going well until she sees him, and then it could be like a...
It could have been.
We're the same age, and we don't look like...
(30:32):
I mean, I'd love to have a look at that one day.
I was.
I think...
I think we all know what we're talking about here.
The thing that shines.
The man in the holister.
The man in the hol...
Yes.
I mean, metaphorically, it's just...
Even just his silhouette by itself, it will get anyone, you know, get the motor revving.
We can't afford to pay anyone that attractive for grades out of our budget.
(30:54):
You try saying no, though.
Like saying, like, his auras or...
No, I go, what do you mean, it's okay.
I'm also a psychologist.
Okay, so it's good.
What I think we've established is that we are clear of any wrongdoing.
There's no...
There's no lawsuits coming out.
Well, what you should know is that I'm also an accountant, and I've been having a look,
(31:15):
and you really shouldn't be fiddling those books.
We know two of us are in court for it.
We know.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
What is going on in this shopping center?
Crime?
Would you be needing a lawyer?
I don't know if you know this, but I'm also a lawyer.
Yes, you got me off a murder charge last...
Oh, yes, yes.
(31:35):
Murder?
Yes.
That's definitely a healthy safety issue.
I didn't do it.
No, I know he didn't for a fuck.
I don't think it's health and safety.
It's elf and safety.
Just...just put me down for another murder charge there.
Thank you.
What the...
Come here.
Get off me!
(31:56):
Get off me!
Help!
Help!
But it's all right because it's on the shagging mattress.
Yeah, we're fine.
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to keep up here.
Yeah, no, we're good.
We're good.
I put a waterproof thing on it.
It should be fine.
(32:20):
This episode featured Patrick Meyer.
We have Laura Conlon, Kieran Sands, Amelia Price, Eddie Goodwin, Owen Fox, Declan King,
Kit Reese and Connor Reddick.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
Santa? Hello? Why do you want to put stars in their eyes?
(00:11):
I just got very tired of putting presents under trees.
Santa? What?
It's not feasible. What?
It's not feasible mate.
Just amuse him. Just amuse him.
Santa? So why do you want to go and put stars in their eyes?
(00:35):
Well I like to see that kitty's happy.
Is that enough for you, son?
The same old story, but I just didn't realise.
Wow. He's just so poetic. He's lovely, really.
Do you know what, mum? Yeah.
(00:56):
It's a long way to go from bedroom dance routines to this shit.
Language, now dear.
What in front of the house?
You had more questions for Santa, didn't you dear?
Don't be afraid. I do.
Tell me, son. Don't call me dad.
(01:18):
Don't call. Thank you.
Oh, just because you called me kiss and settle once doesn't make him your father.
We're not officially dating.
Oh, everyone. Harry called Santa does.
Listen, being your mother, I'm very secure.
Being your mother sometimes sees each other in an adult way.
However, we're not official as a couple yet. We're not official.
(01:44):
That's kind of worse.
Are we not official?
What do you find out, you know?
I've got another question, Santa.
What? Tell him.
Father Christmas? I can call you that, can't I?
Oh, well, of course you can.
Well, okay. So, I've had the same jeans on for four days now.
(02:05):
I can't even get them off.
I'm going to go to a disco in the middle of the town.
Do you think this shirt goes with these jeans?
Well, I wear the same suit. I wore the same suit for hundreds and hundreds of years.
So, no.
That's not true.
(02:25):
Santa, why do you have to constantly undermine me when it comes to your son?
I just thought you looked great in that white tee.
What, you bought me?
Well, I bought you, yes.
But I should have a look now, don't I?
I have a look that I have to maintain.
You're lucky I'm here.
(02:46):
Being presentable in front of my boy.
So, could you please amuse him for the moment?
So, I'm going to say this to you now.
I'm not his stepdad.
Yet.
Yet, yet, yet being the key word.
Yet, yet.
(03:08):
So, there's progress then?
Well, you know, I could be anyone's stepfather, if you think about it.
Welcome. Back to Dumbracken.
(03:46):
I bet you.
I can prove in court that Santa's real.
I think I could do it.
Who's your witness?
Who's my witness?
Yeah, who'll back you up in that?
Santa himself.
You seem skeptical now, but I'm building a strong, strong case.
(04:07):
So, you know Santa already?
Oh, we've been writing letters for years.
Why in for a favor?
He said we've been writing letters for years.
Yeah, he writes me back.
Yeah, I was just checking.
Does he not write you back?
Never.
No.
Never got one.
I think it's because of my letter.
I also ask how he's doing.
A lot of kids don't do that.
What does he say usually?
(04:29):
Does it change year from year?
Yeah, he's had some good and rough years, but you know, I think also when I was younger,
he was sort of hiding some of the tough years from me.
I'm gonna ask you.
Yeah.
Did any of that ever correspond with your parents' divorce or general?
You know what, it's very funny.
He saw it coming to you before it happened.
He saw it said, I'm gonna get you an extra big present this year because...
(04:50):
Does he knew what was coming?
He said, you're gonna have a tough summer.
Just remember, you're strong kids and no matter what your parents do, they still love you.
And he was right.
They do still love me.
They just don't love each other.
Did you have a tough summer?
Yeah, the divorce was rough.
I made it through.
I think that bike really helped.
But he got the timers right.
(05:12):
They got divorced over summer.
It was an ongoing litigation, but it started.
Yeah, summer was a rough patch.
Oh.
Yeah.
I never received anything back from Santa.
Might be because I keep challenging him.
You keep challenging him.
Keep challenging him to jewels.
He won't do that.
He won't fight a kid.
Not a kid anymore?
Still writing to him?
(05:34):
No.
There you go.
I still keep in touch.
I always ask Santa to donate some toys to charity.
I'm going to donate them to charity for some kids who need them.
Not my toys, but some toys.
So, if every who had toys go missing, that was me.
Do you know how many gloves I've lost?
That wasn't me.
That's related to what we're talking about.
(05:56):
It is.
Yeah.
I send a glove every time with my letter.
I'm challenging him.
I say, slap yourself in the face.
I'm coming for you big boy.
Bullung glove or leather?
Different gloves every time.
Ever since I was two.
You don't become Santa by not knowing how to win a duel.
He's been around for hundreds of years.
(06:17):
He's been challenged with so many duels.
And yet he won't take me? What does that say about him?
He won't fight a child.
I'm not a child anymore.
You haven't challenged him as an adult, have you?
No.
No, okay.
If he shows up in your courtroom,
you're gonna challenge him to a duel.
No, he's a witness.
You can't attack witnesses.
Stop attacking witnesses.
I'm not gonna attack a witness.
I'm gonna ask a witness to set a place and time and I'll be there.
Does he ever tell you how the renders are doing
(06:39):
or is it only if you ask them?
You know, sometimes mention, yeah, Rudolph's recovering great.
Recovering.
Oh, yeah, I know.
He heard his hoof in the summertime,
but he should be ready for Christmas.
A different summer than your parents divorce.
That was like 25 years ago.
This was this summer.
Oh, you ever have summer then too?
(07:01):
Oh, it's just some people. Not me.
Do you think he's just like horoscopes?
And he's just like, ah, this kid's gonna have a bad summer.
This kid's probably gonna have a good summer.
That's 50-50 chance.
I mean, he knows everything about everyone.
He knows a big lesson who's good, bad.
Tell you what, he'd be a great judge.
But you know what, he's committed to, he has his passion.
I did ask if he wanted to be a judge
or he ever interested in, he said,
(07:21):
he was a bid for like the fourth century, but it wasn't for him.
Oh, well.
Are you trying to get in his will or something?
He's immortal.
He can't, that doesn't really matter.
Big pay-outs.
I don't know.
He has a lot of charitable endeavors.
Kaelin, if you ever kill him.
You're not gonna kill Santa.
Why?
If I get the chance, I'll try.
You won't get the chance?
Okay, say it your court, say it your little court date.
(07:44):
Okay, my court date and your duel of Santa are separate issues.
Separate issues, but if I can finally speak to him,
man to man.
I don't challenge your crimes and duels.
Make it worth his while.
Let him kill two birds with one stone
and Kaelin can kill him.
You've been travel times an issue for Santa.
Really?
Santa, the man who visits every home in a single night.
(08:05):
You don't think he can do to commute?
I think he can do to commute.
You listen to yourself.
You sound ridiculous.
I think he just doesn't want to like overstay
and dembracken for too long.
You know?
None of us do.
You don't challenge my clients to duels.
Yeah.
Oh, okay, but every time they get hit by bosses,
you're, okay, no, it's fine.
(08:26):
No, no, continue in line of thought.
Every time they get hit by bosses,
every time you get hit, they get hit by bosses.
You sit there.
Every time.
Every time.
One of my clients, yeah, it's okay.
Two of my clients have got hit by bosses.
Yeah, every time one of your clients
gets hit by multiple bosses in one instance.
Every time one of my clients gets hit by multiple bosses.
(08:46):
You won't even look at them in court.
You won't take on their cases when I say I'm not allowed to
because I have a thing with bosses.
And you won't even look at them.
You won't challenge them.
You won't do anything.
No, it's fine.
But then you won't even take them off.
I represent the bus company.
I'm obviously not going to take on the opposition.
(09:07):
There's a conflict of interest.
And also, you say they get hit by bosses.
That's never proven in court.
Because no one will take their cases.
It's not my fault.
I'm not allowed to do it.
I have a thing about bosses.
I'm not allowed to do it because I was the bus driver.
So that rules me out.
Yeah.
And you know what?
You've done nothing wrong.
So.
Thank you.
(09:28):
Thank you.
Should we be talking about this outside of the courtroom?
I'm on recess.
We're all on recess.
No, I could pay by the hour.
I'm on the clock here.
So feel free to call time.
(09:50):
We might have an issue with our Santa.
He keeps saying that he could be anyone's stepfather.
And he's been saying it to quite a few of the kids.
I don't know if we should get a new one.
It feels like a big health and safety violation.
No.
In what ways is it a health and safety violation?
Well, mental health and safety, that's included in the bracket,
(10:13):
isn't it?
No.
No, that's a difference.
OK, sorry.
Now, do we know his either stepdad?
No, he's saying he could be.
He's always keeping it hypothetical.
So technically, there isn't a lawsuit on its way.
But if he could be my stepdad, if he married my mom.
Well, yeah, but so could anyone, because anyone
would marry your mom.
(10:34):
Is that a compliment?
Yeah, she's lovely.
I don't like that kind.
It wasn't insulting, but it feels wrong.
It felt weird.
It feels like that one kind of might need to go to HR.
Yeah, then that's health and safety.
That's health and safety.
That's health and safety.
That's health and safety.
Yeah, because I am worried about the CFD of one of my coworkers.
But you're not worried about the safety of, oh, sure.
I focused a bit on the health bit.
(10:55):
No, you're not in danger.
I focused too much on the health bit
before rather than the safety of the people, the kids, who
Santa was saying, stepfather.
I'm just worried that a lot of the kids come into our store
are going to be like overpromised.
I don't want 15 kids waking up without a father.
Well, they wake up every morning without a father.
(11:16):
But once they're expecting a stepfather,
do we have a lot of?
And he doesn't show up.
This stuff has been busy in the hypothetical sense
of telling kids that it could be their stepfather.
Given that all of these children know
to be their fathers, and this Santa is very popular
with the single moms.
That is true.
Maybe.
Perhaps there's some truth in this.
I think it's fair to say that, again, hasn't crossed the line.
(11:39):
He just keeps saying could be, could be a stepfather.
Do we know he's not going to follow through on his promise?
I mean, he hasn't followed through yet.
Because if he follows through and we fire him for this,
that's true.
Where did you even find this guy?
What?
Where did you find this guy?
Like, where did you hire him from?
Court.
Court?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
(11:59):
I found him in the court.
Yeah, what do you mean with court?
You were in court, and you found what was?
No, I wasn't in court.
I was in the courts.
You were doing charity, yeah?
I wish.
No, I was standing trial.
You said you weren't in court.
I said I wasn't in court.
I was in the courts standing trial.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
(12:19):
Who was?
How did you meet this guy?
Who was he?
He was my defendant.
Hold on, you were standing trial, and he was your defendant.
So you're here, so he must be good then?
He was very good, yeah.
He must be good, but it sounds like he's
being quite inappropriate for someone who's,
like, upholding the law.
Well, I'm not sure.
I don't know that he was supposed to be in the room.
Hang on, shouldn't you have told us?
(12:42):
I thought you were on a holiday.
I wasn't a work-related matter, or was a personal matter.
I've read the Health and Safety Manual.
He doesn't have to tell us that.
If it's a crime committed outside of work hours,
it's done business.
Exactly.
Might have been on work property,
but it was outside of work time.
We're in a mall.
So it's a big property.
Yeah, it's huge.
We can't be responsible for every crime that happens in the mall.
(13:03):
Even once we commit.
No, I do disagree.
If you do commit a crime in the mall that you commit,
then you know you've committed it.
That does kind of fall.
Well, I thought this Santa was able to disprove.
Well, he wasn't Santa there, but.
Well, he wasn't Santa during the.
Reward, I couldn't pay him.
So I got him a job.
(13:24):
What kind of person takes being Santa as a reward?
He was a public defender.
He needed money.
He needed money, or maybe he just wanted access to single moms.
I don't know what his motives were.
This is something like a health and safety
or a safeguarding issue at this point.
That's what I've been saying.
No, that's what I've been saying.
I think none of you guys actually know what health and safety means.
(13:46):
It's not a health and safety hazard.
It's just kind of icky.
OK, yeah, fair.
So we're legally in the clear.
But if we weren't, I think this Santa would be good enough
to get us in the clear as well.
We're talking about legality.
If it maybe we should get a lawyer at some point,
we could get something.
(14:08):
So this present pile is for you.
That's you.
This present pile is for you.
And this is for you.
Thanks, Dad.
No worries.
Thank you, Dad.
No worries.
Would you like to open them right now?
Is mom going to?
(14:30):
Yes, that's what I want tomorrow.
I know it's seven, but I've had over a few ports.
So I need to get this.
I need to get the stump where I pass out for lunch.
You had a few ports already?
You got up at six?
Well, port glasses, son, are very small.
(14:51):
So I took them more like shots.
I took them more like shots.
This one gets them.
Thanks, Dad, for the ass tray.
No worries, son.
I know you like to have a few things.
I really don't, Dad.
You what?
I don't smoke, Dad.
(15:11):
Well, hopefully this will encourage you to get into it.
I don't think it's cool for you, Dad.
Well, who says that?
Literally, science.
We don't think it's cool for you.
They're dead.
Dad, you stop smoking for Christmas.
That's all.
I don't even want my present.
Dad, that's you.
Oh, you boys, you're killing me.
You're killing me.
My present is a packet of sponges to wash a car with.
(15:36):
I don't.
Yes, it is.
I don't have a car.
And if your mother would open her present in.
Grandma, car.
Well, you've ruined it now.
You've ruined us the prize.
Well, you shouldn't have put sponges in the presents
with my gifts.
What does it mean?
(15:56):
I didn't know that she'd think that'd be open car sponges.
I thought that'd be sponges for your disgusting apartment.
It's full of shite and shit.
There's a car on the picture of the sponges.
Oh, I fucked up there.
I majorly fucked up.
High presents, air fresheners.
Yes, it is.
It is.
That is must have cost three quid.
(16:18):
I know, but the car cost a lot more than that.
So I thought you'd be happy for your mother.
I got her a Nissan Micra.
I thought you'd want to donate the presents to your mother
and feel joy to that.
Because charity, you know, you all went to Catholic school
and went to Mass.
So, you know, charity and all that shit.
So, but the Nissan Micra took up most of the budget.
(16:40):
So I mean, did honestly, I'm on a pretty good APR plans.
So I'm hoping for the best with that.
Sorry, why did I get sponges?
You got air fresheners and you got an ashtray?
Ashtray.
Are you saying that's the smoke in the fucking car?
Is that what you're saying?
Well, what the fuck else are we going to do in the car?
Well, that's actually illegal.
(17:02):
What?
It's illegal to smoke in the car with your kids.
I've heard everything.
No, I've heard fucking everything.
Seriously, you have to have we fucking belts on you.
You have a fashion accessory to get to fucking eight a day.
Yeah, it's called social justice, Dad.
You need to stop that.
Social fucking justice.
I tell you what social fucking justice.
I have to work 58 hours a week.
(17:26):
And then I go to the pub and I have a few pints with the boys.
And then I drive back and what did they do?
They fucking put me in prison.
Oh, my God.
That's social justice.
That's fucking social justice.
I'm very glad.
I'm sorry I'm not wearing a fucking fashion accessory
to make sure I didn't hit any more pedestrians.
(17:48):
It's not my fucking fault.
She should have seen where she was going.
Dad, you went up on the pavement, Dad.
Dad, is that why you bought your mom and Nissa
a micro so she can pick you up from the pub?
Right.
I'm going to be fucking dead honest with you right now.
I totally destroyed it.
(18:08):
I went into a barrier, but it's fine.
I only hit a fax.
What, last night, Dad?
They're endangered, Dad.
I only hit a fax.
They're endangered, Dad.
Who gives a fuck?
They're protected species.
You know what?
The fucking crack is endangered.
They're protected species.
The crack is endangered.
I have been trying to spice up this house.
(18:29):
I've been doing my best.
Spice it up with smoke, Dad.
Second-hand smoke in the house, Dad.
I didn't realize, oh, so when you go to fucking nightclubs
and they had the ambiance, and you're going, oh, no.
Someone's smoking in here.
No, it's ambiance.
I'm at nightclubs.
He's crap.
He's not going to nightclubs.
I don't walk a notch.
Jesus fucking Christ.
(18:50):
When I was your age, right, right, right.
When I was your age, I was going from work to the pub.
And then I was working doing, I was doing a people round.
Because I was the youngest.
And then I was working on the tractor.
And then I was doing the sardine and all the stuff
in the factory.
You know, I want to show you.
(19:11):
The one we go past when we're going there.
And then the one with the door.
Dad.
I'm in there.
Now we've heard this story a million times.
Well, why don't you fucking listen then?
Because I repeat myself about 12 fucking thousand times.
And you keep going on about the same fucking things.
And I frankly haven't heard enough of it.
I frankly haven't heard enough of it, Frank.
(19:32):
That's why I think that's why I called you that.
Because frankly, you were an absolute fucking gobshite,
honestly.
I try and get you an ash tray to enjoy yourself with.
And I get your mother an nesan micro.
OK, I crashed it to you.
I crashed it.
The fox, I mean, I saw the fear in its fucking eyes.
But I don't need to go to the fucking therapy like you do.
I don't need to fucking do that.
(19:54):
I'm just saying the ash trays for the ambiance
in the nesan micro.
The sponges of when you're doing the fucking car.
And this Christmas, I'm going to have a few more sherrys.
Help your mother in the kitchen.
Because I'm going to have a few fakes in the nesan, OK?
Right, see you boys later.
(20:15):
Like.
Just wanted a space hopper down.
Just a space hopper.
Let's go, fellas.
Let's help, man.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, nice.
Isn't that?
Strongly known.
Ah, but to test the bounds of what life is to best.
The bounds of God.
(20:39):
Our next week's the brush.
Well, he went from his coma.
How's reality changed with each brush stroke?
It's the 16th sister. Is she real?
Might have.
Next week.
(21:02):
Think about the facts of the case that have been presented to you.
And make a fair and just assessment, as you so believe.
Thank you very much, Jerry.
Guys, like, I don't know.
I just feel bad saying they're guilty like three days before Christmas.
So if we can all just say not guilty, I'm like, it's a Christmas miracle.
(21:23):
That would be great.
I just need the numbers on it.
No, I'm still going to say that I think they murdered them.
I don't care if I'm the only one out there.
I'm just going to say that I think they murdered them.
I don't care if I'm the only one out of all of us.
It was a collision.
It wasn't murder, right?
(21:45):
I'll probably agree with you, but I might wait till after Christmas.
I don't want to be alone on Christmas Day.
So be nice to be in here and talking to you guys over Christmas.
You're just going to ask us to deliberate for another what, 96 hours?
Yeah, we could just hang out.
I brought men's pies and we're allowed to use the microwave.
I have a family to get back to.
(22:08):
Well, I don't.
Well, no, hey, no, it's okay because I think I think we're friends now.
Right?
Like this is bonded us.
So I think we wrapped us up.
Not guilty.
We can get them involved like we can have a little shindig together.
We can do drinks on Christmas Eve.
Everyone who's been involved in the case can come along.
They can drop in.
You can bring your family and bring partners, you know, I don't want to bring my family
(22:33):
to some sort of open bar murder call.
I don't want to do that.
A murder call because he's not guilty.
No, no, big Christmas Eve sleepover.
Well, what?
Sleepover.
Where?
Your house.
My house?
Big Christmas Eve sleepover in your house and I'll just tell.
I live in a flat.
I live in one bed.
(22:55):
And you never stop boasting about it.
You never done it for a good price.
I really feel like we've got to know each other over the last four weeks.
I live in a wardrobe.
I'm okay with that.
You don't need to constantly go on about your flat.
You don't want to be on your own.
And I was just going to meet in like a third space like a pub.
Big Christmas Eve sleepover at the pub.
They're not using the space on Christmas Day.
(23:18):
That's fine.
We couldn't have that big one in my house anyway because it's a one bed.
That man was caught on camera stabbing someone.
It was a, it was one of those knives that collapses in on itself.
I know that, you know that.
Everybody knows that.
It was a little bit of a rough and tumble, you know?
Just a little bit.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, you know, someone died, but that wasn't his fault.
(23:40):
It wasn't his fault.
That's very convincing.
I'm going to change my mind.
I was with you here, but that was very convincing.
Sure.
Number four.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
No, I thought the video ever initially that was definitive proof.
Are you in for Christmas Eve pints?
Um, phew, open bar or?
I'm not paying.
Oh, no, then.
(24:01):
We'll just walk out.
Do rhymes.
Can't just walk out of a court.
No, the pub.
We'll just walk out of the pub.
Oh, yeah, Dandash.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I already know you're all morally corrupt.
Oh, don't tight.
What about that?
That family sitting in the country there crying their eyes out because their father is dead.
(24:23):
Murdered.
They're not going to get any compensation.
Listen, do we get compensated for a time here?
We could paint our normal work wages.
And I think the murderer also has a family and they're waiting on him to get back with
a sense of not guilty.
That's what you're trying to say.
Let's not ruin two families.
Yes.
(24:44):
No, that was a, that was a flippant point.
Don't everyone agree to it.
I'd quite like to see my brother this Christmas.
So he can come to the pints.
Not only if he's found innocent.
Maybe the dag guys family need a plus one at the table this Christmas.
Look, after this finish, you can shoot your shot, but I wouldn't do it in the room.
(25:06):
A little holiday romance.
Is that what you're thinking?
We can make an eye at each other.
Okay, okay.
But to be fair, then you would need to say that the murderer was guilty.
You see, you can't be like, yeah, I let them off, but hey, you want to...
Just be like, oh, there's other guys doing it.
I just had to go along with it.
That's fine.
Also, my brother's been sleeping with her for years.
So, yeah.
(25:27):
Maybe your brother's the murderer.
I mean, he was on trial.
Juror number four, is that the reason you never say your name to any of us?
You've just been Juror number four this whole time because it is your brother out there.
I can say my name, Daniel.
Okay.
There was text about a Daniel.
Are you the Daniel that was in those texts?
Yeah.
Of course he was my brother.
(25:49):
We text, it's normal.
Do you think he'd go to pints?
And you were going to find him guilty?
We were going to find him guilty just moments ago.
There was a lot of evidence.
I have siblings.
I know what it's like.
I said I could be impartial.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, my God.
Ha ha ha.
(26:11):
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
So, I heard you guys needed a lawyer.
Yeah, we're just worried about some of the things that you yourself have been doing.
So, we're just checking the legal waters.
Is there a conflict of interest there?
You're prosecuting yourself?
No, he's defending himself.
(26:32):
No, I'm defending myself and I am the defendant.
Okay.
And he would be defending the company.
You wouldn't be the, we would be liable if you did something.
I would be the lawyer for myself.
I know exactly what I have and haven't done.
So, we were essentially just, there's been a lot of you telling children that you could be their stepfather.
Yes.
We're wondering if you're going to make good on any promises.
(26:56):
Well, I, you know, this is a work related matter.
So, you don't have to tell us.
No.
Is this a health and safety matter?
Good question.
Well, no, I wouldn't say so.
I told you.
I told you.
I wouldn't say it is unless of course something were to happen between me and one of the moms in the elf shack.
(27:20):
Why did you put specificity on the location?
Well, where else are we going to, you know, do it?
It's fair point.
Clares.
Poplar hookup spot.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Hang on here.
What?
It's a hookup spot.
Where are you getting this information?
It's got blinds on it.
Yes.
Yeah.
(27:41):
Very popular.
Close the curtains.
Someone put down a mattress.
I put down a mattress.
Hang on.
I think, has that mattress been a health and safety check?
Was that your signal you put a mattress outside the door so that people knew that the room was being used?
That is a health and safety issue.
It's inside.
It's inside.
Is it outside?
There's a mattress outside.
I thought it was a signal for someone getting busy.
(28:04):
It's inside.
Like a pineapple.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like for swingers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Except a mattress.
Blocking a fire exit.
That is a health and safety issue.
I agree that.
It's bigger.
It's half as big as you.
Okay.
So if anyone does anything in the elf shack, we're not going to put mattresses and block
the exit.
You should be doing anything in the elf shack.
(28:25):
No, you can put a mattress in the elf shack.
But not blocking the door.
Yeah.
Just not blocking the door.
So you need to put a fire retardant on it.
Make sure that no flame is there.
No plug.
There's no plug in the elf shack.
It's just a wooden.
Okay.
Perfect.
You can definitely put a shagging mattress down there.
What?
(28:46):
Sorry?
Shagging mattress.
Shagging mattress.
Hang on here.
Let's take this back a few steps.
And can I just say the magic that we're creating in the mall, which makes this technically,
legally, the jurisdiction is that plan.
So the laws are different in that land.
So I don't like the act of looking for lip-pals.
(29:06):
That makes me uncomfortable.
Right then.
So I am Santa Claus.
I'm a lawyer.
So we are paying this by the...
In it, I believe.
Well, I'm sort of going to be charging double because, you know, still wearing the costume,
the beard, the hat, the wig, the rings.
You should try that in court.
I bet you that would...
(29:27):
So I will be...
Oh, that's...
I bet you that would swing a jury.
Any of you need a lawyer?
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yes.
Sorry.
Yeah.
So this is what we're going to need to do.
No more elves shagging in the elf shack.
Okay.
Only the top brass.
Only me.
Oh, no.
(29:47):
No.
No.
I really don't think that this is in the...
Only me.
No.
Hold on.
Can we do like a shift thing?
Hang on here.
I think...
My marriage has been better than ever since this match was...
Congratulations.
You can always...
I think in...
I think there's a holister nearby that doesn't really check their changing rooms much, so
(30:09):
that's an option.
Yeah, yeah, but the attendance to attractive, it makes me feel...
Quite dark in there, so that's an option for you.
Even so, he shines.
I don't...
I just...
I don't...
I know it's going well with your wife, but I don't need to do that.
I think he's going well until she sees him, and then it could be like a...
It could have been.
We're the same age, and we don't look like...
(30:32):
I mean, I'd love to have a look at that one day.
I was.
I think...
I think we all know what we're talking about here.
The thing that shines.
The man in the holister.
The man in the hol...
Yes.
I mean, metaphorically, it's just...
Even just his silhouette by itself, it will get anyone, you know, get the motor revving.
We can't afford to pay anyone that attractive for grades out of our budget.
(30:54):
You try saying no, though.
Like saying, like, his auras or...
No, I go, what do you mean, it's okay.
I'm also a psychologist.
Okay, so it's good.
What I think we've established is that we are clear of any wrongdoing.
There's no...
There's no lawsuits coming out.
Well, what you should know is that I'm also an accountant, and I've been having a look,
(31:15):
and you really shouldn't be fiddling those books.
We know two of us are in court for it.
We know.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
What is going on in this shopping center?
Crime?
Would you be needing a lawyer?
I don't know if you know this, but I'm also a lawyer.
Yes, you got me off a murder charge last...
Oh, yes, yes.
(31:35):
Murder?
Yes.
That's definitely a healthy safety issue.
I didn't do it.
No, I know he didn't for a fuck.
I don't think it's health and safety.
It's elf and safety.
Just...just put me down for another murder charge there.
Thank you.
What the...
Come here.
Get off me!
(31:56):
Get off me!
Help!
Help!
But it's all right because it's on the shagging mattress.
Yeah, we're fine.
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to keep up here.
Yeah, no, we're good.
We're good.
I put a waterproof thing on it.
It should be fine.
(32:20):
This episode featured Patrick Meyer.
We have Laura Conlon, Kieran Sands, Amelia Price, Eddie Goodwin, Owen Fox, Declan King,
Kit Reese and Connor Reddick.
Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
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