October 15, 2024 • 32 mins
A house tries to monetise on it's ghost infestation; the parish council get ready for a seance in the church; and the Farm Entity is pretty chill if you don't look directly at it or take flash photography.
Halloween will continue until Halloween.
Produced & edited by Conleth McVeigh. For more information on the podcast, follow @dunbrackenpod on instagram.
Featuring: Patrick Meier, Laura Conlon, Gerard Donnelly, Conor Reddick, Amelia Price, Kieran Sands, Declan King, Beau McAfee, Deirdre Lynskey & Kit Reese.
Opening and end credits by Conor Mallon, check out his full album, Unearthed, on Spotify now.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Any ghosts?
(00:06):
Yeah.
How many?
Three.
Which rooms?
The upper east bedroom, the kitchen, and the basement.
What's their temperament?
The upper east bedroom one, very cool and kind.
Kitchen, nasty bugger.
When are you feeding the ghosts?
(00:28):
When am I feeding them?
When are you feeding them?
Have I missed a feeding?
No, the feeding will be at six minutes.
What do you feed them?
Electrical brain waves.
Ours?
Yeah.
Sorry, did I say brain waves?
I meant just general waves, but they can feed off our energies as well.
Wow.
Which ones?
What?
Which energies do they feed off?
(00:48):
They prefer, you know what?
They like both positive and negative.
So as long as you're not on the fence about...
I'm agnostic.
Interesting.
So you don't believe in ghosts?
God.
Oh, okay.
They don't believe in God either, so that's fine.
Are they people who used to live here or are they other visitors?
One is another visitor who killed two people who used to live here.
(01:12):
He was from out of town.
Nice.
Yeah, he's the nasty bugger.
Yeah, that tracks.
The other two you'd think would be pretty pissed, but they have a nice life.
Have you seen them?
No.
Can we take pictures?
Yes.
Flash photography allowed?
But you have to tag the house if you get it.
What are the ghosts on Instagram?
At East Bedroom, Willy's Mansion.
(01:33):
Not the mansion, the ghosts.
Did they have Instagram before they died?
At East Bedroom, ghost Willy's Mansion.
Okay, and the murder?
At Kitchen, ghost Willy's Mansion.
Does the murderer share their account?
Yeah, but he can't remember his password, so I can't get in.
I think you're lying to me.
I'm not lying.
I control them, but they're allowed to any creative input.
(01:53):
You control them?
You control them?
Yeah, I'm Willy.
I said it was a mansion, but it's not.
It's like six rooms, but there's an Upper East Bedroom.
Suppose you can just call any bedroom Upper East.
You can.
Sure turn around, East changes.
You can call any mansion haunted.
Yeah, especially if there's been three suicide murders in it.
(02:15):
There's been three suicide murders here, but two of them didn't result in ghosts.
Oh.
Yeah, one of them did result in ghosts.
Three ghosts.
I can see how that can be confusing.
One suicide murder resulted in three ghosts.
That's nice that they all stayed together.
They didn't have a choice in the matter.
Two of them wanted to leave the other one, but the ethereal plane had other matters.
(02:39):
Well, at least they have a company.
You'd think that, but they're lovers, and one's in the East Bedroom and never able to
get to the basement, and the other one's in the basement, never able to get to the East
Bedroom.
Frustrated ghosts.
They're frustrated and horny ghosts.
Have you ever considered setting up a webcam?
I have tried that, but I can't get the night vision to work.
(03:24):
Welcome, Back to Dunbracken.
So, so, right, right, Marjorie, so we have the, the, the church, the church hall booked
(03:45):
for, for, for the séance to it. So, so, so, so we're there now, yeah.
Sure, yeah, that's no problem.
Did you book it? Did you book it?
I talked to the priest, but, you know, he wrote it down in a sweet notebook, so it's
as book as it gets.
Jesus, why does he let him do that? He's going to forget about it.
Oh, yes, but, you know, look in the notebook.
This is the same thing as the crochet club, and you did that, and look, it just completely
disbanded after that.
(04:05):
Oh, you forgot.
Should I bother him after mass again? He'll remember.
Oh, yeah, well, that's, that's the only way. Like, do you think, right, be honest with
me, do you think that Tommy is going to come to the séance? Because if he is, Deirdre
is going to be absolutely fuming.
Oh, sure, it's after eight. He'll be at home. He'll be-
God, let's hope so.
He doesn't leave the house once he puts on his pyjama, so it's all good.
(04:27):
God, let's hope so, Marjorie. God, let's, let's hope so. This is, this will be a nightmare
of Tommy works show up. Absolute nightmare.
I have a question, of course. I'm just generally worried about doing a séance on hallowed
grounds.
Yes, well, well, well, well, but-
I've raised it a few times, and I feel like my, my question's-
But your concerns are noted.
Yeah.
(04:48):
It's, it's absolutely-
They've been noted, oh, alright, alright.
But like what we're thinking is like, right, so a bunch of my friends in that graveyard
just, I've got a few unanswered questions.
How else am I going to, they contact me, you know, you know?
It's just, it's just me.
No, I'm just wondering, with the hallowed ground, will that make it double or aft, you
know? Will it double the power?
(05:08):
Oh, yes.
Or will it aft it?
Marjorie, what do you think of those things?
Oh, well, we're getting them down from heaven, so we need a church. If you can't be up on
hell, you want to be somewhere, it's sacrilegious.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I mean, you know, but, but heaven, you know, they don't want to come down, they're having
a great time.
Exactly.
But I think the church, and you see the old pals-
It is a fuck you to God.
It is a fuck you.
No, no, I don't like that language now.
(05:30):
Alright, I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's not, we're in, I'm sorry, we're in hallowed ground.
It is a, I'm sorry, sir, to God.
Exactly, okay, okay, I'm glad to-
Ladies, excuse me, I'm here for the seance.
Oh, hello, Trisa, how are you?
I saw the flyer.
I'm here for the seance.
Oh, how are you?
You're doing well, Trisa.
I'm doing great, well, not too bad, I've got a sore leg, sorry to hear about that.
(05:51):
What am I saying to talk to my late great husband?
Right, well, you have to get in line because there's a few things-
Trisa, we're busy doing this now, can you just wait in line a little bit?
No, I also don't, I don't want to be the one who has to say this, but I will say that.
This seance is for people who are trying to get down from heaven.
Exactly, and let's be honest, your husband did not reach the pearly gates, Trisa.
(06:12):
Ladies, now, I'm going to ignore that comment.
You shouldn't.
You shouldn't.
I don't think you should, Trisa.
Excuse me, the by-laws of this parish state, anyone who is a council member can attend
any event.
This is an event being run by the parish council.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it also said in the council by-laws that your terrible
(06:33):
husband would reach heaven.
I'm sorry, Jesus did not go all, I'm not going to send this evil person to hell because
of the council by-laws.
Sorry, Trisa.
Trisa, if Jesus got caught up in council by-laws, that could, it could trick up anyone, so I
don't want to.
But I doubt it's going to trip up Jesus.
Trisa.
Oh no, no.
You always had a thing for my husband.
Oh, Trisa.
(06:53):
Why do we call him a-
That is hilarious.
Trisa, did you hear that?
I had a thing for her husband.
I heard it, I heard it.
Your husband had a thing for every woman in this town.
Thank you, Trisa.
And who did he stand up with?
The easiest one.
A lot of women, that's why he's down there burning in hell.
Do you know what, do you know what, I told, do you know, do you know my, do you know my
(07:15):
boy, do you know my boy Patrick, yes?
Oh, do you know Patrick?
The one with the hair-
The one who's good at maths, yeah.
He's a good lad.
He's good at maths with the hair in the eyes.
Do you know what he said to me?
Oh, he does?
He does, he does have the hair in the eyes, he does.
He went to me, oh, why are you doing that?
It doesn't even exist.
And do you know what I said to him?
I said, do you know what you're going, you're going, oh, I'm really hoping the afterlife
(07:38):
isn't real so I don't have to visit my mother.
God, that's terrible.
Well, I don't know what you're inputting this, I was telling, I was telling these two, but
thank you, I know it's terrible, but he was going, oh, no, it's not, I was like, do you
know what, do you know what Patrick, do you know what, you can, you can go, he only visits
me twice a week anyway, and like, okay, his sister visits me every single day.
It's not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough, because honestly, I'm there by myself
(08:01):
the entire time, he's just going there a few times, like once every, once every day.
What's he got on?
Exactly, what's he got on?
He's just got a family and kids.
See that woman he raised?
Exactly.
No?
Oh, other way round.
Good afternoon, Cathy.
Sorry I didn't knock, I can't, I'm a ghost.
(08:24):
Just come through the wall there behind me.
Stephen had a message he wanted to give you from the basement, and as part of the apology
for me killing you both, and me working towards forgiveness, I thought I would pass it on
to you.
I can't.
Okay, he said.
Listen.
He said, do you know where you left the remote for the air conditioning?
(08:47):
It's in the back kitchen room closet.
Okay, can I already anticipate the problem here?
None of us can left it or press it.
Neither of you can get to that room.
Yeah, so it's up to you.
No matter what, you're the one that's able to move around the house, it's very frustrating.
Yeah, I feel like I drew-
(09:09):
It's like the transitive properties of killing yourself, Luigi.
An extra length of rope.
Just also to tell you, the house is starting to fall into disrepair.
This guy Willie's not taking great care of it.
But that's not really a problem anymore, but I'm just telling you he's been taking good
care of your house.
Okay.
I don't know what happens if the bedroom that I'm confined to gets destroyed when I
(09:32):
go.
What are my confinements?
Yeah, I don't know.
Tell him I love him.
Willie?
No.
Steven?
Eh.
Okay.
Willie's a little turd.
I don't know why you wrote your will in such a way that Willie could get the house.
Look, it was my last surviving relative, I thought I had another three years.
Okay, well, we're stuck with this problem now, and I keep getting involved in these
(09:56):
goddamn tours, and he keeps telling people that he hasn't seen the ghosts, and they don't
have to be like an original thing that they see that no one else has seen before, and
I have to act surprised every time.
Every time?
I'm fed up with it, quite frankly.
Well, you did kill as opposed to then kill yourself, so.
I sort of brought that on myself.
Yeah.
You should have just, you should have just let me in.
(10:17):
Normally, you know, you should have just invited me in for dinner.
I said no, you looked strange and scary.
That made me angry.
And Stephen ran into the basement and locked himself immediately.
And I threw dynamite through the post office box thingy.
What do you call them?
I'm lost for the word.
What do you call it in a door?
(10:39):
A letter box.
Thank you very much.
Letter box.
I threw dynamite through the letter box that you had in the basement.
Who said that?
Must be another ghost, I guess.
Jesus.
A ghost that we can't see?
Maybe a ghost on a different plane.
Good grief.
God knows what that person did to deserve to be killed, but I'd well believe they deserve it.
It was our day and night.
I don't care.
(11:00):
I just want you to know that.
I was hungry and I wanted it.
It was our day and night.
We were gonna do it.
Now we never can because of you and your so many sticks of dynamite.
I'm not sending dirty messages down to the basement again.
Send one more.
I'm not doing it.
I refuse.
One more.
I refuse.
(11:22):
Any messages?
I'm not doing this anymore.
Oh, it was something Jesus said.
I can't do it.
If I had a pen...
Tell me what it was.
I might write it down.
Tell me what it was.
Letter box.
What was that?
I think there might be other ghosts here.
Oh, come on.
You're getting off topic.
What was the message?
(11:43):
I wonder if these ghosts exist on another plane.
Maybe we can't see them.
No.
You're avoiding eye contact and you're blushing.
Maybe purgatory has layers.
And whenever the rapture happens,
some of us will be taken from different layers before the others.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you ever think about the afterlife, Stephen?
(12:04):
I wasn't thinking about the afterlife until he killed us on day and night.
We were gonna do it.
Welcome to the farm, guys.
Hi.
So nice to have you.
Hi.
Is it really scary?
(12:25):
Because I don't really like scary.
No, no, no.
Send us, send us.
We'll be fine, we'll be fine.
Yeah, it's a totally normal farm.
If you see anything out of the ordinary, it's totally cool.
It's totally cool.
Don't worry about it.
Just don't take any photos.
Oh, I haven't got my camera with me anyway, because I don't know how to use it.
It's actually kind of good that you didn't bring...
(12:46):
Did you bring your mobile phones?
The radiation doesn't really work very well on the farm.
No, I've got a Nokia 10.
Oh, no, this is perfect.
This is perfect.
If you see the entity at any point, don't make eye contact.
We'll stay inside the vehicle.
We'll keep driving and everything will be okay.
Entity, could you describe what it may look like so we can avoid it?
(13:12):
I do not possess the words in the English language to describe the entity to you.
Would you like a tree bormin?
Wow, yes, that would be lovely.
I've only got one, so one of you will have to go without.
Oh, well, please.
No, you're the guest at the farm.
Share them in with your friend.
Okay, there you go, Cynthia.
Thanks, Cindy.
So, yeah, don't look at the entity, no flash photography.
(13:36):
Any other questions?
Are there toilet stops on the way?
There are toilet stops, but the toll that you have to pay to get into the toilet is a great one.
Oh, okay.
Are there snacks?
I was told there would be snacks included with the ticket purchase.
(13:57):
Yeah, the snacks.
We've actually been trying this new thing because we're really leaning into sustainable living.
We're a very conscious farm, so there's lots of insects around, millions of insects.
So we've been actually drying them out, putting a bit of salt on them, putting them in bags.
Cynthia, you told me that this was going to be a nice gentle little trip.
(14:20):
Well, it was advertised.
Their marketing was really good.
You know, Instagram.
Terry is great.
Furry animals, you didn't say anything about an entity.
I assume the entity.
Entity.
The entity.
I assume the entity was a creature.
Is this going to be like the fun, unfair that you talked me to last year?
(14:42):
No, Cindy, it's not going to be like the fun.
Listen, I know that I'm bad at planning holidays, and I just really wanted to do better this time.
You know, our anniversary is coming up, and sometimes I just feel...
Mr Johnson, I think you've got a responsibility in all this.
(15:03):
Does he not?
He does, yes.
Cynthia, he has a responsibility.
I was misguided.
I believe the entity to be kind, lovely little creature, like a bunny rabbit or something.
It just doesn't sound as a tentative.
It sounds like it's got tentacles for a start, and then I bet it's got a furry body.
A furry body.
And I bet it's got big teeth.
Oh no!
(15:24):
Have you seen it?
Because you just described exactly what it looks like.
Cindy.
Oh, she's not... she's not Cindy.
It's the entity!
No!
It's the entity!
What is happening?
I believe I'm speaking with...
(16:03):
Spirit Steven through the Ouija board.
Okay.
L.
E.
M.
M.
E.
This is good.
Space.
Lema box.
Lema box.
No, it's not.
I know we've had something similar in the past, but no, it's S.
(16:25):
M.
A.
S.
H.
Steven, if you're in the room, let me smash.
Is this the mess?
The glass just wobbled there.
Glass wobbled.
Steven?
Steven, are you in the room?
(16:46):
Can you speak to us at all?
It's Willy.
I brought this man here.
I wanted to help you.
Lema box.
This Ouija board is not working at all.
Let me smash.
What could let me smash me?
Maybe it's a reference to the Mice and Men novel.
Let me smash rabbit.
Yes, isn't that what he said?
(17:07):
Let me smash.
This spirit was a fan of Steinbeck, I guess.
Wow.
Wow.
Very well.
Let me rummage through my bag here.
I have...
Is that the Grapes of Wrath?
It is.
I also have a Jordan Peterson novel that I was going to leave here, but Grapes of Wrath
(17:28):
seems better.
I will leave this for Steven.
And I will change it once a day, page by page.
Page by page.
On my tools.
I need to go back and read off Mice and Men.
It's been a while.
Let me smash.
Wait.
Sham...
Miller.
What's Shamiller?
Is that anything to you?
(17:49):
Shamiller.
Doctor Priest Man?
That's not what I'm called.
That's none of the three occupations I have.
I am a man.
I thought it was Shut in the Dark.
Sham...
Look, this house is in disrepair.
And if I can't prove that there are horny ghosts here, I won't get my insurance.
Maybe the ghosts want to have the house destroyed.
(18:10):
Maybe that's what the Smash is about.
Smash.
Maybe you should destroy this place.
Because then the confinements will go.
There is some dynamite left here from Mr. Suicide Man.
That's perfect.
No one ever learned his name.
Well, the business isn't going well and I don't like the house, so...
I'm going to nip out before you do anything drastic.
It's alright.
(18:31):
Can you actually give me a lift?
Yeah.
Alright, Theresa.
How are you?
How do we hold hands?
We do.
Have you still got that ward on your finger, Theresa?
No, I got that removed.
(18:52):
Okay, then.
Okay.
We can do it ourselves.
Cryotherapy, it's called.
Cry...
Okay, I should...
I note that down.
Right, so...
Who's first on the list?
Could I go, please?
No.
No, no.
Look, we'll do your husband if we have time, but...
Because he's going from a different place.
You're not on the itinerary.
No, Marjorie and Marjorie.
Okay.
You both want to talk to him.
Let's not.
(19:13):
I do not want to talk to him.
I've said all I've said to him in life, and you know what?
If I never see him again, it's not a day too soon.
Exactly.
Thank God he's dead.
I know he wants to talk to you.
Oh, I know he does.
I know he does.
He always did.
Exactly, Theresa.
Anything for you, Marjorie?
I'm glad they never found his body.
I'm glad.
Can I check?
We're not doing this seance to get someone possessed so we can do sex with a ghost, right?
(19:39):
No, no.
We're not doing this.
We're talking.
We're not.
We're on hallowed ground now.
Come on.
If my husband came back, he'd have a fair chance of that.
I just know that that's his type.
He wasn't close-minded.
I just wanted to check.
Let's settle this.
Joanne, let's conjure the spirit of Padraic and let's see what he has to say.
(20:00):
You know what, you're going to learn some things now because honestly, like, shall we
do that then?
Because I'm sick of her going around town going, oh, you know, my husband was a grand
man.
My husband slept with everyone but chose me.
Exactly.
No, exactly.
Shall we do that?
Theresa, how do you feel about that now?
I feel ecstatic.
He's going to tell you how much shite shaggy we're.
You know what?
Fuck, I'm shite.
You know what?
Being in this church, I think he'll burn the whole time.
(20:22):
Thank you.
You know what?
I'm with you on that.
Thank you.
Okay, ladies, hold hands.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
And repeat after me.
No, I'm not doing this again.
Repeat after me.
Right.
What?
Dear Lord.
Dear Lord.
Of the underworld.
What the underworld?
No, no, no, no.
What's that about?
Of the underworld.
Jesus, Theresa, what have you got unto after me?
Yeah, the one who said he's down in town.
(20:43):
What do you think is ridiculous that you've turned to Satanism after the passing of your
heart?
Why are we not going for Mother, Maiden and Crone?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Why are we not going for Mother, Maiden and Crone?
I don't understand.
Why have we moved away from the classics?
Right.
You take a lead.
Go on.
You take a lead, Joe.
Mother, Maiden and Crone.
Mother, Maiden and Crone.
(21:04):
Come here to help thine own.
Come here to help thine own.
Your servants we serve.
Your servants we serve.
Bring down Patrick O'Hern.
Bring down Patrick O'Hern.
Or up in case we got it all wrong.
Or up in case we got it all wrong.
(21:34):
Porrik?
Oh fucker.
Oh he's here, I can feel them.
Sure you can, Chrisel.
Hello, Marjorie.
Oh bloody hell, I can smell you from here.
That is...
Oh fuck.
So you recognise my perfume there, do you, Porrik?
Oh fucking hell, I can smell it.
(21:55):
Isn't it true that you're the one who brought it for me?
Aye.
Didn't know a ghost could smell.
Oh I'm so worried that I can smell it up to everything.
We're learning.
Porrik, Porrik, before we get into it...
Oh fuck, that is here.
Before we get into it, where on earth
did you leave Jason's birth certificate?
(22:16):
Because he's...
He's... he's applying...
He's applying for some gov.uk account
and he needs his birth certificate.
I can't find it for the live for me.
Jesus.
(22:37):
No, no, no, don't speak to your wife like that.
Exactly, no, no, no, that's an issue with you, Porrik.
You're so rude.
I'm in the church of all places, I won't have you speak like that.
Thank you, Porrik.
I don't like Jesus.
Oh fucking hell, I can smell your perfume there.
I knew it, I knew it, he was a bloody well.
Well, we knew that, Porrik.
Oh fucking hell, I can smell it.
(22:58):
I'm ready to move on from Porrik and maybe if anyone's interested,
bring down my wife and somebody floated the idea of getting possessed earlier
so they could have sex.
Who the fuck can send me away now?
Wait, no, no, no, well Deidre, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Deidre, I'm sure you can, and we'll agree on this,
(23:19):
like we're having no orgies in the church.
No, no, not in the church.
No, not in the church.
You can do it like normal people in a car park.
No, it's not a place, no one's getting possessed, no one would do anything.
I mean the dovers could do it in the car park, we don't let them in the hall.
No, Marge, did you have the keys to the church car park?
Why do you need the keys?
Why could you?
Look, let's get rid of your... of your...
you know what, I'll say it, fucking ex-husband.
Wait, wait, yes.
Well, he's not my ex-husband.
(23:41):
He died, he's your ex-husband.
I'm not sure that's how it works.
It's till death, till death.
Till death do us part.
Yeah.
Well, now you're on...
Well, Joe will have sex with you.
Oh, Jesus.
No possession needed, you see?
Oh, Jesus.
You got this sorted.
Be honest, I'd only if my wife possesses you, I'm just...
Well, I think we should give it a go.
(24:02):
Can I ask you a poor technical question?
If someone was to possess me, would I still possess an awareness,
even without full control of my body?
Great question.
Another good question.
I think it just makes it more awful that all my time would be in debt and in jail.
In jail.
(24:25):
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
That's sweet, that worked out perfectly.
All right, gonna need those keys to the car park.
Will, will, will, will.
No, no, let's get rid of him.
He's done his first useful thing in 25 years.
Did you just ask me about that chin?
Yeah, thank you.
I'll check the car sports and I'll call you if it's not there.
(24:48):
All right.
I'd also like to say the car parks open.
The keys are for locking the car park.
None of you need the keys.
Wait, well, I think with a car park you don't need keys to get in,
or I don't know why.
I think it's a fairly...
There's a gate too, I've been asked to lock that up.
There's a gate.
But you can lock it in between people.
Yeah, yeah, you can all leave.
No one's holding you hostage.
(25:09):
What if we got locked in?
No, that's the thing.
You're locked currently.
She wouldn't have locked me in between cars.
Anyway, it's also the car park, we can walk out.
Could you ask when you get...
What's your lovely wife's name?
Susan.
Will you ask Susan to come on up and she can come right into me?
I'll be fine.
I won't say I work.
Yeah, okay, I'll see what I can do.
As long as she's growing with it.
(25:31):
Good talk to you, Podrick. Bye.
Avenge me.
Oh.
Geo.
My big...
Susan, is that you?
Oh, I've been waiting for ten eternities for the afterlife.
(25:53):
Wait, wait.
What's our son's middle name?
I'm not getting tricked again.
By no demon.
You got me, you got me!
What about you, Susan? What do you like?
What do you bloody like?
Oh, God.
Well, I think we should probably move on with the seance
and probably try and do what we came here to do.
(26:14):
I just keep fucking demons.
Hope when they're my wife.
We've all been there.
Language. Language.
Okay, God, Jesus.
You do take things a bit too far sometimes.
Now, ladies, why did you want to do the seance in the first place?
Well, it's just a bit of crack, isn't it?
Like, I'm sorry.
(26:35):
Why are you asking these questions?
I don't really understand why do we do anything.
I don't really understand why you're being so panicky about it.
Fair enough.
Why do you stay in your house so much bergand hunt all the time?
Because bergand hunt's field class.
The questions just can't be answered.
That's classic.
You organize all these things, you do all these things,
(26:58):
and then someone comes along unhappy with it,
but won't do their own thing.
Right, I'm leaving.
I'm going to be in the car park if you don't mind.
Wait, wait, wait.
She said we didn't want you here in the first place,
and we made it well clear to you.
We did not want you here.
We did what you wanted,
and you're leaving without participating in the rest.
And carefully.
This is a community.
See you, ladies, and I'll see you for the meeting on Wednesday.
(27:20):
And remember, you're bringing the biscuits.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't know.
I'm absolutely sick of her.
You know what?
I'm so glad Tommy didn't come.
I'm so glad Tommy wasn't here.
Otherwise, we wouldn't have heard the end of it with them
and their illicit geriatric affair.
We would never have heard of it.
Well, I'm a lead to the sands now.
(27:41):
Oh, fuck.
Tommy, are you willing to get possessed by my late wife?
Oh, sure.
I'll give it a go.
I have nothing better to be doing in my life.
Great.
So I've been living under this bridge for about 20 years now.
(28:03):
And I, you know, I've seen a lot of things.
I've heard a lot of things.
But something else is bothering me.
But something happened last night.
There were these two women.
They were on the murder farm door.
They were just going along on a little hay ride, you know.
And I think they looked at the entity.
(28:25):
I think they did.
I've seen them.
I've seen them once, and I didn't look at them very long.
See his red eyes.
And they burn into your soul.
Burn!
And then you become the entity.
And it just grows and grows and grows.
And I've been living under this bridge, and I've been watching it grow.
(28:48):
And nobody believes me.
Now, what political party do you think would serve Dunbracken best at this moment in time?
I think Dunbracken needs total anarchy.
No government.
Please continue.
Yeah.
I think the government's always going to try to keep the entity growing.
And they're always going to feed it, no matter what party it is.
(29:10):
They're feeding the entity with tourism and all these people.
And I think we need anarchy.
And we need no government.
Go back to the time of pitchforks.
If you had to give yourself any advice to you from 10 years ago, your younger self, what would you say?
(29:31):
I'd say buy a house before the market crashes so you're not stuck under a bridge.
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
Welcome to the haunted water stones.
This used to be a mansion, but it's now been refurbished and the ghosts are still here.
(29:53):
Are you here for books or ghosts?
I'm here to find out how J.R.R. Tolkien intended to end his book series, and unfortunately he is now dead.
So we only have three ghosts.
We don't have ghosts on demand.
We have three specific ghosts who lived here prior.
Richard?
No.
(30:14):
OK.
Sorry, I thought you meant Richard Pryor.
No, we don't have him.
It's just a murderer and two very horny ghosts.
Were they writers?
Not to my knowledge.
Oh, OK.
Apparently it's gotten more intense now that they can...
Without the walls and everything they can now see each other but they still can't touch each other.
Oh.
(30:35):
We're so close to it but it can't do nothing.
This is worse than what it was before.
And those books.
I missed whenever it was...
I never read Steinbeck.
I missed whenever our messages were being relayed to each other.
Distance was nice.
It was.
It really does make the heart grow fonder.
(30:56):
I'm gonna take the autobiography section.
I'm gonna go into histories.
Eh?
I'm still a real horny.
I'm trapped in the smut section.
Read some more!
I'll read some pages to you.
I'm really sorry for killing you still.
So I'll read some smut through the wall.
(31:19):
Oh, that's nice.
I can't find that book.
(31:53):
Laura Conlon,
Gerd Donley,
Connor Reddick,
Ciaran Sands,
Amelia Price,
Declan King,
Deirdre Linsky,
Bo McAfee,
and Kate Reiss.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
(32:17):
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
Any ghosts?
(00:06):
Yeah.
How many?
Three.
Which rooms?
The upper east bedroom, the kitchen, and the basement.
What's their temperament?
The upper east bedroom one, very cool and kind.
Kitchen, nasty bugger.
When are you feeding the ghosts?
(00:28):
When am I feeding them?
When are you feeding them?
Have I missed a feeding?
No, the feeding will be at six minutes.
What do you feed them?
Electrical brain waves.
Ours?
Yeah.
Sorry, did I say brain waves?
I meant just general waves, but they can feed off our energies as well.
Wow.
Which ones?
What?
Which energies do they feed off?
(00:48):
They prefer, you know what?
They like both positive and negative.
So as long as you're not on the fence about...
I'm agnostic.
Interesting.
So you don't believe in ghosts?
God.
Oh, okay.
They don't believe in God either, so that's fine.
Are they people who used to live here or are they other visitors?
One is another visitor who killed two people who used to live here.
(01:12):
He was from out of town.
Nice.
Yeah, he's the nasty bugger.
Yeah, that tracks.
The other two you'd think would be pretty pissed, but they have a nice life.
Have you seen them?
No.
Can we take pictures?
Yes.
Flash photography allowed?
But you have to tag the house if you get it.
What are the ghosts on Instagram?
At East Bedroom, Willy's Mansion.
(01:33):
Not the mansion, the ghosts.
Did they have Instagram before they died?
At East Bedroom, ghost Willy's Mansion.
Okay, and the murder?
At Kitchen, ghost Willy's Mansion.
Does the murderer share their account?
Yeah, but he can't remember his password, so I can't get in.
I think you're lying to me.
I'm not lying.
I control them, but they're allowed to any creative input.
(01:53):
You control them?
You control them?
Yeah, I'm Willy.
I said it was a mansion, but it's not.
It's like six rooms, but there's an Upper East Bedroom.
Suppose you can just call any bedroom Upper East.
You can.
Sure turn around, East changes.
You can call any mansion haunted.
Yeah, especially if there's been three suicide murders in it.
(02:15):
There's been three suicide murders here, but two of them didn't result in ghosts.
Oh.
Yeah, one of them did result in ghosts.
Three ghosts.
I can see how that can be confusing.
One suicide murder resulted in three ghosts.
That's nice that they all stayed together.
They didn't have a choice in the matter.
Two of them wanted to leave the other one, but the ethereal plane had other matters.
(02:39):
Well, at least they have a company.
You'd think that, but they're lovers, and one's in the East Bedroom and never able to
get to the basement, and the other one's in the basement, never able to get to the East
Bedroom.
Frustrated ghosts.
They're frustrated and horny ghosts.
Have you ever considered setting up a webcam?
I have tried that, but I can't get the night vision to work.
(03:24):
Welcome, Back to Dunbracken.
So, so, right, right, Marjorie, so we have the, the, the church, the church hall booked
(03:45):
for, for, for the séance to it. So, so, so, so we're there now, yeah.
Sure, yeah, that's no problem.
Did you book it? Did you book it?
I talked to the priest, but, you know, he wrote it down in a sweet notebook, so it's
as book as it gets.
Jesus, why does he let him do that? He's going to forget about it.
Oh, yes, but, you know, look in the notebook.
This is the same thing as the crochet club, and you did that, and look, it just completely
disbanded after that.
(04:05):
Oh, you forgot.
Should I bother him after mass again? He'll remember.
Oh, yeah, well, that's, that's the only way. Like, do you think, right, be honest with
me, do you think that Tommy is going to come to the séance? Because if he is, Deirdre
is going to be absolutely fuming.
Oh, sure, it's after eight. He'll be at home. He'll be-
God, let's hope so.
He doesn't leave the house once he puts on his pyjama, so it's all good.
(04:27):
God, let's hope so, Marjorie. God, let's, let's hope so. This is, this will be a nightmare
of Tommy works show up. Absolute nightmare.
I have a question, of course. I'm just generally worried about doing a séance on hallowed
grounds.
Yes, well, well, well, well, but-
I've raised it a few times, and I feel like my, my question's-
But your concerns are noted.
Yeah.
(04:48):
It's, it's absolutely-
They've been noted, oh, alright, alright.
But like what we're thinking is like, right, so a bunch of my friends in that graveyard
just, I've got a few unanswered questions.
How else am I going to, they contact me, you know, you know?
It's just, it's just me.
No, I'm just wondering, with the hallowed ground, will that make it double or aft, you
know? Will it double the power?
(05:08):
Oh, yes.
Or will it aft it?
Marjorie, what do you think of those things?
Oh, well, we're getting them down from heaven, so we need a church. If you can't be up on
hell, you want to be somewhere, it's sacrilegious.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I mean, you know, but, but heaven, you know, they don't want to come down, they're having
a great time.
Exactly.
But I think the church, and you see the old pals-
It is a fuck you to God.
It is a fuck you.
No, no, I don't like that language now.
(05:30):
Alright, I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's not, we're in, I'm sorry, we're in hallowed ground.
It is a, I'm sorry, sir, to God.
Exactly, okay, okay, I'm glad to-
Ladies, excuse me, I'm here for the seance.
Oh, hello, Trisa, how are you?
I saw the flyer.
I'm here for the seance.
Oh, how are you?
You're doing well, Trisa.
I'm doing great, well, not too bad, I've got a sore leg, sorry to hear about that.
(05:51):
What am I saying to talk to my late great husband?
Right, well, you have to get in line because there's a few things-
Trisa, we're busy doing this now, can you just wait in line a little bit?
No, I also don't, I don't want to be the one who has to say this, but I will say that.
This seance is for people who are trying to get down from heaven.
Exactly, and let's be honest, your husband did not reach the pearly gates, Trisa.
(06:12):
Ladies, now, I'm going to ignore that comment.
You shouldn't.
You shouldn't.
I don't think you should, Trisa.
Excuse me, the by-laws of this parish state, anyone who is a council member can attend
any event.
This is an event being run by the parish council.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it also said in the council by-laws that your terrible
(06:33):
husband would reach heaven.
I'm sorry, Jesus did not go all, I'm not going to send this evil person to hell because
of the council by-laws.
Sorry, Trisa.
Trisa, if Jesus got caught up in council by-laws, that could, it could trick up anyone, so I
don't want to.
But I doubt it's going to trip up Jesus.
Trisa.
Oh no, no.
You always had a thing for my husband.
Oh, Trisa.
(06:53):
Why do we call him a-
That is hilarious.
Trisa, did you hear that?
I had a thing for her husband.
I heard it, I heard it.
Your husband had a thing for every woman in this town.
Thank you, Trisa.
And who did he stand up with?
The easiest one.
A lot of women, that's why he's down there burning in hell.
Do you know what, do you know what, I told, do you know, do you know my, do you know my
(07:15):
boy, do you know my boy Patrick, yes?
Oh, do you know Patrick?
The one with the hair-
The one who's good at maths, yeah.
He's a good lad.
He's good at maths with the hair in the eyes.
Do you know what he said to me?
Oh, he does?
He does, he does have the hair in the eyes, he does.
He went to me, oh, why are you doing that?
It doesn't even exist.
And do you know what I said to him?
I said, do you know what you're going, you're going, oh, I'm really hoping the afterlife
(07:38):
isn't real so I don't have to visit my mother.
God, that's terrible.
Well, I don't know what you're inputting this, I was telling, I was telling these two, but
thank you, I know it's terrible, but he was going, oh, no, it's not, I was like, do you
know what, do you know what Patrick, do you know what, you can, you can go, he only visits
me twice a week anyway, and like, okay, his sister visits me every single day.
It's not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough, because honestly, I'm there by myself
(08:01):
the entire time, he's just going there a few times, like once every, once every day.
What's he got on?
Exactly, what's he got on?
He's just got a family and kids.
See that woman he raised?
Exactly.
No?
Oh, other way round.
Good afternoon, Cathy.
Sorry I didn't knock, I can't, I'm a ghost.
(08:24):
Just come through the wall there behind me.
Stephen had a message he wanted to give you from the basement, and as part of the apology
for me killing you both, and me working towards forgiveness, I thought I would pass it on
to you.
I can't.
Okay, he said.
Listen.
He said, do you know where you left the remote for the air conditioning?
(08:47):
It's in the back kitchen room closet.
Okay, can I already anticipate the problem here?
None of us can left it or press it.
Neither of you can get to that room.
Yeah, so it's up to you.
No matter what, you're the one that's able to move around the house, it's very frustrating.
Yeah, I feel like I drew-
(09:09):
It's like the transitive properties of killing yourself, Luigi.
An extra length of rope.
Just also to tell you, the house is starting to fall into disrepair.
This guy Willie's not taking great care of it.
But that's not really a problem anymore, but I'm just telling you he's been taking good
care of your house.
Okay.
I don't know what happens if the bedroom that I'm confined to gets destroyed when I
(09:32):
go.
What are my confinements?
Yeah, I don't know.
Tell him I love him.
Willie?
No.
Steven?
Eh.
Okay.
Willie's a little turd.
I don't know why you wrote your will in such a way that Willie could get the house.
Look, it was my last surviving relative, I thought I had another three years.
Okay, well, we're stuck with this problem now, and I keep getting involved in these
(09:56):
goddamn tours, and he keeps telling people that he hasn't seen the ghosts, and they don't
have to be like an original thing that they see that no one else has seen before, and
I have to act surprised every time.
Every time?
I'm fed up with it, quite frankly.
Well, you did kill as opposed to then kill yourself, so.
I sort of brought that on myself.
Yeah.
You should have just, you should have just let me in.
(10:17):
Normally, you know, you should have just invited me in for dinner.
I said no, you looked strange and scary.
That made me angry.
And Stephen ran into the basement and locked himself immediately.
And I threw dynamite through the post office box thingy.
What do you call them?
I'm lost for the word.
What do you call it in a door?
(10:39):
A letter box.
Thank you very much.
Letter box.
I threw dynamite through the letter box that you had in the basement.
Who said that?
Must be another ghost, I guess.
Jesus.
A ghost that we can't see?
Maybe a ghost on a different plane.
Good grief.
God knows what that person did to deserve to be killed, but I'd well believe they deserve it.
It was our day and night.
I don't care.
(11:00):
I just want you to know that.
I was hungry and I wanted it.
It was our day and night.
We were gonna do it.
Now we never can because of you and your so many sticks of dynamite.
I'm not sending dirty messages down to the basement again.
Send one more.
I'm not doing it.
I refuse.
One more.
I refuse.
(11:22):
Any messages?
I'm not doing this anymore.
Oh, it was something Jesus said.
I can't do it.
If I had a pen...
Tell me what it was.
I might write it down.
Tell me what it was.
Letter box.
What was that?
I think there might be other ghosts here.
Oh, come on.
You're getting off topic.
What was the message?
(11:43):
I wonder if these ghosts exist on another plane.
Maybe we can't see them.
No.
You're avoiding eye contact and you're blushing.
Maybe purgatory has layers.
And whenever the rapture happens,
some of us will be taken from different layers before the others.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you ever think about the afterlife, Stephen?
(12:04):
I wasn't thinking about the afterlife until he killed us on day and night.
We were gonna do it.
Welcome to the farm, guys.
Hi.
So nice to have you.
Hi.
Is it really scary?
(12:25):
Because I don't really like scary.
No, no, no.
Send us, send us.
We'll be fine, we'll be fine.
Yeah, it's a totally normal farm.
If you see anything out of the ordinary, it's totally cool.
It's totally cool.
Don't worry about it.
Just don't take any photos.
Oh, I haven't got my camera with me anyway, because I don't know how to use it.
It's actually kind of good that you didn't bring...
(12:46):
Did you bring your mobile phones?
The radiation doesn't really work very well on the farm.
No, I've got a Nokia 10.
Oh, no, this is perfect.
This is perfect.
If you see the entity at any point, don't make eye contact.
We'll stay inside the vehicle.
We'll keep driving and everything will be okay.
Entity, could you describe what it may look like so we can avoid it?
(13:12):
I do not possess the words in the English language to describe the entity to you.
Would you like a tree bormin?
Wow, yes, that would be lovely.
I've only got one, so one of you will have to go without.
Oh, well, please.
No, you're the guest at the farm.
Share them in with your friend.
Okay, there you go, Cynthia.
Thanks, Cindy.
So, yeah, don't look at the entity, no flash photography.
(13:36):
Any other questions?
Are there toilet stops on the way?
There are toilet stops, but the toll that you have to pay to get into the toilet is a great one.
Oh, okay.
Are there snacks?
I was told there would be snacks included with the ticket purchase.
(13:57):
Yeah, the snacks.
We've actually been trying this new thing because we're really leaning into sustainable living.
We're a very conscious farm, so there's lots of insects around, millions of insects.
So we've been actually drying them out, putting a bit of salt on them, putting them in bags.
Cynthia, you told me that this was going to be a nice gentle little trip.
(14:20):
Well, it was advertised.
Their marketing was really good.
You know, Instagram.
Terry is great.
Furry animals, you didn't say anything about an entity.
I assume the entity.
Entity.
The entity.
I assume the entity was a creature.
Is this going to be like the fun, unfair that you talked me to last year?
(14:42):
No, Cindy, it's not going to be like the fun.
Listen, I know that I'm bad at planning holidays, and I just really wanted to do better this time.
You know, our anniversary is coming up, and sometimes I just feel...
Mr Johnson, I think you've got a responsibility in all this.
(15:03):
Does he not?
He does, yes.
Cynthia, he has a responsibility.
I was misguided.
I believe the entity to be kind, lovely little creature, like a bunny rabbit or something.
It just doesn't sound as a tentative.
It sounds like it's got tentacles for a start, and then I bet it's got a furry body.
A furry body.
And I bet it's got big teeth.
Oh no!
(15:24):
Have you seen it?
Because you just described exactly what it looks like.
Cindy.
Oh, she's not... she's not Cindy.
It's the entity!
No!
It's the entity!
What is happening?
I believe I'm speaking with...
(16:03):
Spirit Steven through the Ouija board.
Okay.
L.
E.
M.
M.
E.
This is good.
Space.
Lema box.
Lema box.
No, it's not.
I know we've had something similar in the past, but no, it's S.
(16:25):
M.
A.
S.
H.
Steven, if you're in the room, let me smash.
Is this the mess?
The glass just wobbled there.
Glass wobbled.
Steven?
Steven, are you in the room?
(16:46):
Can you speak to us at all?
It's Willy.
I brought this man here.
I wanted to help you.
Lema box.
This Ouija board is not working at all.
Let me smash.
What could let me smash me?
Maybe it's a reference to the Mice and Men novel.
Let me smash rabbit.
Yes, isn't that what he said?
(17:07):
Let me smash.
This spirit was a fan of Steinbeck, I guess.
Wow.
Wow.
Very well.
Let me rummage through my bag here.
I have...
Is that the Grapes of Wrath?
It is.
I also have a Jordan Peterson novel that I was going to leave here, but Grapes of Wrath
(17:28):
seems better.
I will leave this for Steven.
And I will change it once a day, page by page.
Page by page.
On my tools.
I need to go back and read off Mice and Men.
It's been a while.
Let me smash.
Wait.
Sham...
Miller.
What's Shamiller?
Is that anything to you?
(17:49):
Shamiller.
Doctor Priest Man?
That's not what I'm called.
That's none of the three occupations I have.
I am a man.
I thought it was Shut in the Dark.
Sham...
Look, this house is in disrepair.
And if I can't prove that there are horny ghosts here, I won't get my insurance.
Maybe the ghosts want to have the house destroyed.
(18:10):
Maybe that's what the Smash is about.
Smash.
Maybe you should destroy this place.
Because then the confinements will go.
There is some dynamite left here from Mr. Suicide Man.
That's perfect.
No one ever learned his name.
Well, the business isn't going well and I don't like the house, so...
I'm going to nip out before you do anything drastic.
It's alright.
(18:31):
Can you actually give me a lift?
Yeah.
Alright, Theresa.
How are you?
How do we hold hands?
We do.
Have you still got that ward on your finger, Theresa?
No, I got that removed.
(18:52):
Okay, then.
Okay.
We can do it ourselves.
Cryotherapy, it's called.
Cry...
Okay, I should...
I note that down.
Right, so...
Who's first on the list?
Could I go, please?
No.
No, no.
Look, we'll do your husband if we have time, but...
Because he's going from a different place.
You're not on the itinerary.
No, Marjorie and Marjorie.
Okay.
You both want to talk to him.
Let's not.
(19:13):
I do not want to talk to him.
I've said all I've said to him in life, and you know what?
If I never see him again, it's not a day too soon.
Exactly.
Thank God he's dead.
I know he wants to talk to you.
Oh, I know he does.
I know he does.
He always did.
Exactly, Theresa.
Anything for you, Marjorie?
I'm glad they never found his body.
I'm glad.
Can I check?
We're not doing this seance to get someone possessed so we can do sex with a ghost, right?
(19:39):
No, no.
We're not doing this.
We're talking.
We're not.
We're on hallowed ground now.
Come on.
If my husband came back, he'd have a fair chance of that.
I just know that that's his type.
He wasn't close-minded.
I just wanted to check.
Let's settle this.
Joanne, let's conjure the spirit of Padraic and let's see what he has to say.
(20:00):
You know what, you're going to learn some things now because honestly, like, shall we
do that then?
Because I'm sick of her going around town going, oh, you know, my husband was a grand
man.
My husband slept with everyone but chose me.
Exactly.
No, exactly.
Shall we do that?
Theresa, how do you feel about that now?
I feel ecstatic.
He's going to tell you how much shite shaggy we're.
You know what?
Fuck, I'm shite.
You know what?
Being in this church, I think he'll burn the whole time.
(20:22):
Thank you.
You know what?
I'm with you on that.
Thank you.
Okay, ladies, hold hands.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
And repeat after me.
No, I'm not doing this again.
Repeat after me.
Right.
What?
Dear Lord.
Dear Lord.
Of the underworld.
What the underworld?
No, no, no, no.
What's that about?
Of the underworld.
Jesus, Theresa, what have you got unto after me?
Yeah, the one who said he's down in town.
(20:43):
What do you think is ridiculous that you've turned to Satanism after the passing of your
heart?
Why are we not going for Mother, Maiden and Crone?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Why are we not going for Mother, Maiden and Crone?
I don't understand.
Why have we moved away from the classics?
Right.
You take a lead.
Go on.
You take a lead, Joe.
Mother, Maiden and Crone.
Mother, Maiden and Crone.
(21:04):
Come here to help thine own.
Come here to help thine own.
Your servants we serve.
Your servants we serve.
Bring down Patrick O'Hern.
Bring down Patrick O'Hern.
Or up in case we got it all wrong.
Or up in case we got it all wrong.
(21:34):
Porrik?
Oh fucker.
Oh he's here, I can feel them.
Sure you can, Chrisel.
Hello, Marjorie.
Oh bloody hell, I can smell you from here.
That is...
Oh fuck.
So you recognise my perfume there, do you, Porrik?
Oh fucking hell, I can smell it.
(21:55):
Isn't it true that you're the one who brought it for me?
Aye.
Didn't know a ghost could smell.
Oh I'm so worried that I can smell it up to everything.
We're learning.
Porrik, Porrik, before we get into it...
Oh fuck, that is here.
Before we get into it, where on earth
did you leave Jason's birth certificate?
(22:16):
Because he's...
He's... he's applying...
He's applying for some gov.uk account
and he needs his birth certificate.
I can't find it for the live for me.
Jesus.
(22:37):
No, no, no, don't speak to your wife like that.
Exactly, no, no, no, that's an issue with you, Porrik.
You're so rude.
I'm in the church of all places, I won't have you speak like that.
Thank you, Porrik.
I don't like Jesus.
Oh fucking hell, I can smell your perfume there.
I knew it, I knew it, he was a bloody well.
Well, we knew that, Porrik.
Oh fucking hell, I can smell it.
(22:58):
I'm ready to move on from Porrik and maybe if anyone's interested,
bring down my wife and somebody floated the idea of getting possessed earlier
so they could have sex.
Who the fuck can send me away now?
Wait, no, no, no, well Deidre, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Deidre, I'm sure you can, and we'll agree on this,
(23:19):
like we're having no orgies in the church.
No, no, not in the church.
No, not in the church.
You can do it like normal people in a car park.
No, it's not a place, no one's getting possessed, no one would do anything.
I mean the dovers could do it in the car park, we don't let them in the hall.
No, Marge, did you have the keys to the church car park?
Why do you need the keys?
Why could you?
Look, let's get rid of your... of your...
you know what, I'll say it, fucking ex-husband.
Wait, wait, yes.
Well, he's not my ex-husband.
(23:41):
He died, he's your ex-husband.
I'm not sure that's how it works.
It's till death, till death.
Till death do us part.
Yeah.
Well, now you're on...
Well, Joe will have sex with you.
Oh, Jesus.
No possession needed, you see?
Oh, Jesus.
You got this sorted.
Be honest, I'd only if my wife possesses you, I'm just...
Well, I think we should give it a go.
(24:02):
Can I ask you a poor technical question?
If someone was to possess me, would I still possess an awareness,
even without full control of my body?
Great question.
Another good question.
I think it just makes it more awful that all my time would be in debt and in jail.
In jail.
(24:25):
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
That's sweet, that worked out perfectly.
All right, gonna need those keys to the car park.
Will, will, will, will.
No, no, let's get rid of him.
He's done his first useful thing in 25 years.
Did you just ask me about that chin?
Yeah, thank you.
I'll check the car sports and I'll call you if it's not there.
(24:48):
All right.
I'd also like to say the car parks open.
The keys are for locking the car park.
None of you need the keys.
Wait, well, I think with a car park you don't need keys to get in,
or I don't know why.
I think it's a fairly...
There's a gate too, I've been asked to lock that up.
There's a gate.
But you can lock it in between people.
Yeah, yeah, you can all leave.
No one's holding you hostage.
(25:09):
What if we got locked in?
No, that's the thing.
You're locked currently.
She wouldn't have locked me in between cars.
Anyway, it's also the car park, we can walk out.
Could you ask when you get...
What's your lovely wife's name?
Susan.
Will you ask Susan to come on up and she can come right into me?
I'll be fine.
I won't say I work.
Yeah, okay, I'll see what I can do.
As long as she's growing with it.
(25:31):
Good talk to you, Podrick. Bye.
Avenge me.
Oh.
Geo.
My big...
Susan, is that you?
Oh, I've been waiting for ten eternities for the afterlife.
(25:53):
Wait, wait.
What's our son's middle name?
I'm not getting tricked again.
By no demon.
You got me, you got me!
What about you, Susan? What do you like?
What do you bloody like?
Oh, God.
Well, I think we should probably move on with the seance
and probably try and do what we came here to do.
(26:14):
I just keep fucking demons.
Hope when they're my wife.
We've all been there.
Language. Language.
Okay, God, Jesus.
You do take things a bit too far sometimes.
Now, ladies, why did you want to do the seance in the first place?
Well, it's just a bit of crack, isn't it?
Like, I'm sorry.
(26:35):
Why are you asking these questions?
I don't really understand why do we do anything.
I don't really understand why you're being so panicky about it.
Fair enough.
Why do you stay in your house so much bergand hunt all the time?
Because bergand hunt's field class.
The questions just can't be answered.
That's classic.
You organize all these things, you do all these things,
(26:58):
and then someone comes along unhappy with it,
but won't do their own thing.
Right, I'm leaving.
I'm going to be in the car park if you don't mind.
Wait, wait, wait.
She said we didn't want you here in the first place,
and we made it well clear to you.
We did not want you here.
We did what you wanted,
and you're leaving without participating in the rest.
And carefully.
This is a community.
See you, ladies, and I'll see you for the meeting on Wednesday.
(27:20):
And remember, you're bringing the biscuits.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't know.
I'm absolutely sick of her.
You know what?
I'm so glad Tommy didn't come.
I'm so glad Tommy wasn't here.
Otherwise, we wouldn't have heard the end of it with them
and their illicit geriatric affair.
We would never have heard of it.
Well, I'm a lead to the sands now.
(27:41):
Oh, fuck.
Tommy, are you willing to get possessed by my late wife?
Oh, sure.
I'll give it a go.
I have nothing better to be doing in my life.
Great.
So I've been living under this bridge for about 20 years now.
(28:03):
And I, you know, I've seen a lot of things.
I've heard a lot of things.
But something else is bothering me.
But something happened last night.
There were these two women.
They were on the murder farm door.
They were just going along on a little hay ride, you know.
And I think they looked at the entity.
(28:25):
I think they did.
I've seen them.
I've seen them once, and I didn't look at them very long.
See his red eyes.
And they burn into your soul.
Burn!
And then you become the entity.
And it just grows and grows and grows.
And I've been living under this bridge, and I've been watching it grow.
(28:48):
And nobody believes me.
Now, what political party do you think would serve Dunbracken best at this moment in time?
I think Dunbracken needs total anarchy.
No government.
Please continue.
Yeah.
I think the government's always going to try to keep the entity growing.
And they're always going to feed it, no matter what party it is.
(29:10):
They're feeding the entity with tourism and all these people.
And I think we need anarchy.
And we need no government.
Go back to the time of pitchforks.
If you had to give yourself any advice to you from 10 years ago, your younger self, what would you say?
(29:31):
I'd say buy a house before the market crashes so you're not stuck under a bridge.
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
Welcome to the haunted water stones.
This used to be a mansion, but it's now been refurbished and the ghosts are still here.
(29:53):
Are you here for books or ghosts?
I'm here to find out how J.R.R. Tolkien intended to end his book series, and unfortunately he is now dead.
So we only have three ghosts.
We don't have ghosts on demand.
We have three specific ghosts who lived here prior.
Richard?
No.
(30:14):
OK.
Sorry, I thought you meant Richard Pryor.
No, we don't have him.
It's just a murderer and two very horny ghosts.
Were they writers?
Not to my knowledge.
Oh, OK.
Apparently it's gotten more intense now that they can...
Without the walls and everything they can now see each other but they still can't touch each other.
Oh.
(30:35):
We're so close to it but it can't do nothing.
This is worse than what it was before.
And those books.
I missed whenever it was...
I never read Steinbeck.
I missed whenever our messages were being relayed to each other.
Distance was nice.
It was.
It really does make the heart grow fonder.
(30:56):
I'm gonna take the autobiography section.
I'm gonna go into histories.
Eh?
I'm still a real horny.
I'm trapped in the smut section.
Read some more!
I'll read some pages to you.
I'm really sorry for killing you still.
So I'll read some smut through the wall.
(31:19):
Oh, that's nice.
I can't find that book.
(31:53):
Laura Conlon,
Gerd Donley,
Connor Reddick,
Ciaran Sands,
Amelia Price,
Declan King,
Deirdre Linsky,
Bo McAfee,
and Kate Reiss.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.
(32:17):
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
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