October 31, 2024 • 37 mins
Roger invites some guests to show off their costumes on the radio; the neighbourhood watch keep an eye on the trick or treaters; and Father Patrick O'Hanlon can finally put his money where his demonologist scriptures are.
Produced & edited by Conleth McVeigh. For more information on the podcast, follow @dunbrackenpod on instagram.
Featuring: Patrick Meier, Laura Conlon, Gerard Donnelly, Kieran Sands, Amelia Price, Declan King, Gemma Burnett, Owen Heading, Robert Vaughan & Kit Reese.
Opening and end credits by Conor Mallon, check out his full album, Unearthed, on Spotify now.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Keep holding hands. The spirits are close. They're here.
(00:15):
I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know.
Hold hands. Don't let go of Jeffrey's hands.
Sorry, mine's really sweaty guys. I get nervous. I'm so nervous.
Spirit, make yourself known spirit.
Or don't, it's fine if you don't want to.
How long do I have to keep doing this?
(00:37):
Well the tape recorder broke so how long was it?
That was about one minute. How long does it take to summon a spirit?
Don't make me take over. Maybe that'll count.
Can you do the moves for a bit? Hold hands.
The spirit is getting closer. Spirit is in the room with us. I feel the presence.
(01:04):
I don't feel anything.
You just not go along with it Margaret.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Right.
We are about to, on camera, make a scientific break.
Alan are you okay there? You look like you're going to drop over.
I know it's just I'm really scared.
(01:25):
If it stops him complaining.
Why don't you do it for a bit?
Because I'm leading the seance.
Spirit?
Sorry, sorry.
What are you doing here? Why didn't we like you?
You fucking summoned me.
It's the spirit. We've done it.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was late. I'm so sorry.
Traffic from hell was immense.
No, it's just he looks like my dad and it gave me a big...
What?
(01:46):
You look like my dad.
Identify yourself spirit. Keep holding hands everyone.
Do I really need an introduction? Alright, I'll identify myself for you.
Are you my dad?
For the sake of science.
I look like your dad honey. You're about to have some severe issues.
I am known by many names. Lightbringer, Morningstar, but I tend to go by Lucifer.
(02:07):
Oh, yeah.
Hey buddy, fist bump.
Lucifer?
Hang on.
Lucifer himself.
You're the devil.
Fallen angel.
Yeah.
I prefer to think of my mother more.
Guys, this isn't good.
Hey, hey, hey, fallen angel is a bit of a non-PC term, okay?
Sorry, Sir Morningstar.
The preferred terminology is...
I've bitten off more than I can chew.
(02:29):
This is all your fault.
What do you mean, bit off more than you can chew? I just came to say hi.
I thought you were just going to get someone's dead grandmother.
You know what? I was going to...
There's been some sort of mistake. I did not expect to get...
Will you go back after this? Are you here now?
This is a really weird interview, guys.
I've come all the way from hell, right? I have a very, very busy day.
(02:51):
Okay, you can stop that now.
Sorry, sorry.
Actually, the owing was the reason I came. Your owing was so sincere.
I told you that would work.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, so my owing wasn't good enough.
Your owing was a little subpar, yeah. I mean, you would have done well for...
Yeah, I was a bum.
Yeah, I was a bum.
Can we... Can we... Can we...
I had a job for you when you died, but...
Really?
(03:12):
Yeah. I mean, you are... You are going to hell, I'm sorry.
Spoiler alert.
No, that's fine.
But, uh, it was because...
This is weird.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
No, I know. I've known for a long time.
What's going on?
Why does he...
I've known for a long time.
Why does he like the devil so much?
You know what you did.
But we really like you downstairs.
That's why he kills the bums.
Thank you. You're in for a great time.
Honestly, I've got a job.
Really?
And a torture for you.
Yes.
(03:33):
Just to turn a day in hell, unfortunately.
Really? No, it's fine.
I prefer a warmer climate.
You need a hand.
Yeah, I'm looking at you.
Yeah, you're going upstairs.
Me?
Yeah.
You're going upstairs.
Thank God.
I knew it.
Thank you for taking care of her.
I'm going to heaven.
Yes, you are.
Oh, yay!
And I'm glad I spoiled that one because no one deserved it more.
I'm a really good person.
(03:54):
Yes, I know.
Ugh!
(04:19):
Roger we're live.
(04:45):
Hello everybody in Dunbracken, happy Halloween!
It's me, Roger Sterling, coming at you live from Dunbracken 105.7.
You know how it is.
It's Halloween, I hope everyone's having a great night, all going out, getting their
little candies, dressed to the nines.
(05:05):
I'm actually having a little surprise for any of you listeners who are listening here
today on Halloween itself.
We've got a bunch of a little trick-or-treat, a couple of guests into the studio here, which
is incredible.
So, I'm going to have them come in, they're going to introduce themselves, tell the viewers
here what they're, the viewers, listen to me.
We've got the listeners here, tell them what they're dressed as.
(05:27):
Cut that bit.
I'm going to do that bit again.
We got the, we're going to have the listeners come in.
Cut this all out!
Cut this!
Roger, we're live.
We've been live for the past seven minutes.
We're going to have the listeners.
Do you want me to send in the first guest?
(05:48):
Yeah.
Okay.
Hello!
Oh my god!
Who are you supposed to be?
It's complicated.
I'm a two-legged horse.
You're a two-legged horse.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
She was supposed to be the back legs, just to clarify.
(06:09):
What if I wanted to be the head, Rachel?
Why, like, come on.
Sarah, is this why you broke up with me?
Rachel, right, it's one of the reasons I'm going to be completely dead honest with you
right now.
Sarah, I didn't think the horse, like, came into it.
I just, we had an all, like, row about it in front of my parents.
This is about this.
Yes, I was sobbing because I want to be with you.
(06:32):
I think you're my person, you know?
But I think that was well about you.
But we can't be like it anymore.
You can't always be the head of the horse, Rachel!
Okay, alright, simmer down, keep it down, okay?
Shut up, you!
We're having a moment!
It's interesting that you both came to the studio.
We share a car!
(06:53):
I'm going to go to work after this!
Rachel, can you still drive me?
I'm still bound from driving.
Sarah, I'd rather that you get a taxi.
If this is official, I just can't be your taxi driver, you know?
I never said that!
You can't lie to me for these things.
I know you never said it, but it feels like it's in fact.
We can't have this every freaking Halloween in front of my parents!
(07:17):
Well, we're going to get to our next trick-or-treaters here.
I don't give you a lift!
Thank you, because I'm going to be late otherwise!
I still love you!
I don't want to lose my job, and I love you too!
Okay, that was way too much, listeners. I am so sorry.
Hey, Alex, I don't mean to alert you, but I think I'm a reverse vampire.
(07:43):
My insides have fallen out.
I've been throwing up blood.
I've been drawn towards churches.
Ricky...
I feel more mortal than ever.
I'm twice as mortal as your average man.
I want you to take time off.
Go to the doctor.
You see, this is the problem.
You have disinvited me, and I want to stay here more than ever.
I will take the doctor to you if you want.
(08:05):
I know there's some sort of grudge between you and Michael,
but I think you should go see him put it in the past.
It's not a grudge.
It's a vendetta.
Besides, this is unrelated to that.
This is unrelated to me not seeing a doctor.
I've become a reverse vampire.
You can see by all...
See my insides? They're gone!
That's gum. I know that's gum. It's grey.
(08:26):
I'm not drinking blood.
I'm constantly throwing it up.
This doesn't look good in front of customers, okay?
I've been trying to hypnotize them.
They're unresponsive.
Okay, so...
I, on the other hand, am more responsive than ever.
More responsive? To what?
I say it's susceptible.
The customer says, I would like a refund.
I go, no problem.
Take the money.
(08:47):
Even the product's wide open and covered in blood,
and I still take it.
Hey, boys.
I'm kind of worried.
I got bit by a dog last week,
and every time I go into the sun, I grow some more hair.
This is the other thing.
I burn in the moonlight.
What?
I'm a reverse vampire.
Oh, I think I'm a reverse dog.
Really?
Yeah.
(09:08):
A reverse dog, but you get more hair?
Yeah.
Hold on, let's try this.
Catch the ball.
You feel the need to fetch it?
No.
A reverse dog. A dog would want to fetch the ball.
But I do want to get rid of your meal.
You want to get rid of my meal?
Well, you shouldn't do that.
(09:29):
It's mostly junk. It's fine.
It's junk in court orders, so it's fine.
I was going to say, if you just destroy the meal,
that's not legal.
Someone has been destroying my post.
And again, if they summon me, I don't want to go.
A vampire would welcome the invitation.
I'm sure if a vampire is invited to a church or something like that,
they'd say no.
See, church, I feel comfortable.
(09:50):
So you are just a perfectly normal person because you're a reverse?
Before, I didn't feel comfortable in churches.
Now I feel great out there.
Also, I don't want to fight him anymore.
I used to want to fight you all the time.
I don't want to fight you.
Hey, guys.
Sorry.
Just while we're getting everything out in the open,
I just wanted to flag that I think I'm like reverse Frankenstein's monster.
I want to donate my organs to science.
(10:11):
Tell me about it.
If the amount of drinking you've been doing, I would not do that.
All right.
OK, less of the pass-ag, but like...
No, I'm being direct.
It was an office event. It's fine.
Ah, she drank all of her drink.
And I got home safely that night.
OK, I won't donate my liver, but everything else, suffer grabs.
Imagine you could die and then kill ten more people.
(10:32):
Incredible.
She's suffering off her blood.
I don't want it.
Reverse Frankenstein's monster.
Whereas I don't want to sniff her ass.
So...
Hey.
I don't want to.
I'm a reverse dog.
No, I'm offended by that.
You realize that's normal.
That is just being a person.
Not for me.
(10:53):
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
We haven't taken your order yet.
We'll get to you in a moment.
Sir, will you sniff my ass?
Sir, would you like some blood?
Because I feel like ejecting at other people.
We might be... We're calling him sir.
He might be a dog.
I'll say yes to one of those things.
Well, at least someone around here is going to sniff my ass.
Anyway, what I'm saying is, since I'm a reverse vampire,
(11:16):
could you pull the stake out of my heart?
Um, open the door for the next one, please.
I'm so sorry.
I'm only half a horse costume as well.
I'm only the legs.
My boyfriend broke up with me.
He was my dead tail.
(11:38):
Well, what if I wanted to be the legs?
Well, you're always a dog.
What are you, boss?
Sir, we're just doing fucking therapy today.
You were going to let him be the legs?
I thought I meant something to you.
No, I'm the legs quite clearly.
Look at my hooves.
Gwen, shut up.
This is my weekend.
This is your weekend?
Yeah.
Halloween's a holiday.
We agreed to share holidays.
Yeah, he gets Halloween, you get Christmas.
Yeah, you get Christmas.
(11:59):
Don't complain about it.
I can't be a horse at Christmas.
Rangers on his call.
Sir, did anyone veto, like, check on these guests?
I didn't expect a fucking bunch of couples coming in.
We broke up in the break room.
You were six minutes late.
Sorry, we used the same list from the Valentine's Day special.
Sort it out.
My bad.
Sort it out.
So what are you, some kind of, like, weird polycule, polyamorous, like, throuple?
(12:21):
It's not weird.
Actually, you don't have to call it weird, yeah.
It is weird.
That's really offensive.
Do you guys have an opening?
We're gay.
In your polycule.
Rachel!
Sarah!
We are only part gay.
Rachel!
One of us is definitely gay.
The other ones are exploring and open to options, but you wouldn't be part of the full throuple.
Wait, I'm sorry.
I want to be monogamous.
I'm sorry.
(12:42):
Okay, my lesbian wants to be monogamous.
It's so horrible.
Rachel, I swear to God, if we don't leave now, I'm gonna mess my...
Fine, we'll go.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Please let me know the information to join the polycule.
I'm still interested.
No, I'm still interested.
Rachel!
Terrence.
If you take my email, you can join our newsletter.
Terrence, get security in here, please.
There's too many people falling in love in my studio.
(13:04):
I'm sorry we'll be leaving, but we'll be back for the Secret Santa radio special.
I'll have him then.
Security or eye-trekker training, sorry.
Okay.
What are they dressed as?
You'll never believe this.
Are you gonna tell me that they're dressed as security guards?
No, they're two coins.
Yeah, they are.
Can we have the next guest in here, please?
Jesus Christ.
Open the doors.
(13:27):
Do you recognize me?
I'm dress as juror number nine.
Do you recognize who I am?
Trying to find the man.
Put me away.
Do you recognize this person?
I was just trying to create a light TV show.
You bastard.
Look at me.
I'm...
Alright, I'm gonna tell you a description, are you?
(13:48):
Okay.
It's the clothes that I'm wearing.
Mm-hmm.
That's a full description.
Wow.
I'm no great of faces.
Juror number nine, he was the one who was looking shifty.
I've been away for 16 years.
How did you get in here?
Oh, yeah, my security guards are...
Who's your wooden call?
That's nobody there.
I was in the Valentine's list with my...
With my brother.
(14:09):
There was a mix-up where we were both looking for love.
Do you recognize me?
Look at me.
Leather pants.
A shirt.
I don't...
I simply don't care.
I don't care.
I will murder this person.
They put me away for life.
But I get out in good behavior.
Okay.
Been really good.
Okay.
Can you leave?
(14:30):
I will eat your nose.
Terrence, can you get rid of him?
Yeah, security are gone.
Can you do it?
No.
I will leave on my own accord.
As long as you remember me.
I'm going after the children.
Well, not after them.
What?
I'm following...
You're following children?
No, I'm following the children's path.
You're following children?
Yeah, it's just the same path.
(14:51):
Okay, Doug Bracken, we've got a certified...
No, I'm following them.
...dress as juror number nine in Halloween.
I'm following them.
He's a piece of paper.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following their path to the houses.
These kids, they're six kids.
They worked out the optimal route through houses.
I'm going to every house.
I'm saying, do you recognize me?
(15:12):
Someday I'll find me in a house and I'll stab him dead.
Why do you think you'll be wearing the same clothes?
I was a fucking loser.
Okay.
Do you know she constantly shouts at me for killing the rabbits?
I know.
What's that about?
(15:33):
Listen, rabbits...
Shouldn't be murdering bunnies, Alan.
They're overpopulated.
I'm helping the ecosystem.
Well, listen, Alan, I am going to really dedicate a segment of this interview to tell you more
about what your job would be to understand.
Thank you.
I feel we've neglected our guest of honor.
Well, I'm the guest of honor, but our star of the show.
The man who actually summoned you.
Yes, Father Patrick Gohanahan.
(15:54):
What is it like to finally get to test out your exorcism skills?
You must be feeling great.
I'm feeling perhaps a little apprehensive.
Where's he going?
I'd rather not know.
I'll tell you in a minute.
He's a priest who has to go up.
Does he?
I'll tell you in a minute.
(16:15):
I kind of like you.
Thank you.
I misunderstood.
I misunderstood.
You're fun.
I am fun.
Well, this is why I was cast in.
I'll tell you that.
Lucifer?
Yes, yes, Patty.
Come on, hit me.
Give me your best shot.
Why are you here?
Well, okay, so your whole summoning circle was actually originally geared to get this
sweet old woman who unfortunately was murdered up here, but she's in heaven and God didn't
(16:40):
want her bug, so he gave me a call and said, could I send up...
What's his name again now?
Elzebub?
That's the one, but he's doing this torture thing on this guy.
Why do you not know the name of your own colleague?
I don't know any of my colleagues' names.
They're boring people.
They're not really colleagues, I guess.
They're kind of your employees.
They're minions.
Exactly.
I'm going to know Alan's name though, because he's going to do what he's going to do.
Sounds very exciting.
(17:01):
So anyway, Big D is going to come up here, but he's torturing this guy.
What's his name?
Adolf, Adolf, Adolf.
Adolf January?
No, not Adolf January.
Adolf...
Hitler?
That's the one.
That's the one.
Yeah, so B's taking care of him, torturing him for eternity, so he couldn't take time
off, so I said, you know what, I'll get my hands dirty.
Dirty?
Yeah.
Dirty.
(17:22):
Well, I'm pretty hands off usually.
I mean, I'm just running things from an introvert level.
Yeah, but you're not going to do anything bad here.
Well, it all depends on Patty, because he wants to do an exorcism here, so I thought
me and him could do a wee bit of sparring, I guess, you know.
What, like, sort of role play?
No, not role play.
We're going to do this.
If we let go of each other's hands, will that send you back?
(17:43):
No, unfortunately not.
That's not how this works.
Mr. Lucifer, so we have the Devil Star here in the minute and the salt.
Do you want me to break a line in the salt so you can leave the pentagram?
No.
No, no, no, no, Alan, no, no.
Can you imagine the problems that would bring to Dunbracken if we allow them to leave the
circle?
Yeah, but I mean-
(18:04):
In the bottom of Dunbracken?
Yeah.
I love this place.
This place is a cesspit of sin.
Yeah, so many people die.
Mary, Mary last week, is having an affair.
Did you know that?
No.
Yes.
I did not know that.
With who?
With your sister.
Ooh.
She's gay.
Honey, she invented gay.
God, good for her.
(18:25):
Yeah, yeah.
Jessica is.
Yeah, but she's going to heaven.
I feel we're-
Gay, what?
There's no gay people in hell.
No, not one.
I really want one gay person to be bad.
I feel we're broaching upon certain ethical dilemmas.
Are you?
Father, are you going to exercise them or not?
I think Patty's avoiding the-
I don't think I can.
What do you mean?
(18:46):
I don't think I can.
Oh, he's admitting it.
Why?
He's the bloody devil.
I'm just going to-
Oh, I'll just make a line in the salt.
So if you want to leave with your own flesh and you can't-
No, no, stop him.
Get off me.
No, no.
This is why we like you downstairs, Alan.
This is why we like you.
Thank you, Mr. Star.
Chicka tree.
Oh, look at you.
(19:21):
You're dressed up.
Yeah, I guess.
Guess who I am.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Are you laughing at my child's costume?
Jesus Christ.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Look, I've seen good costumes tonight.
This is real pumpkin.
What can I say?
This is real pumpkin.
Yeah, it's been a couple of days.
(19:42):
Oh, so it is rotten.
Yeah, but didn't need to laugh.
Didn't need to laugh.
That's not really rude.
Have you seen some of the costumes that are trick-or-treating at the moment?
L'Oreal, do you want an apology?
Do you want an apology?
Daddy, is my costume bad?
No, it's-
No, it's not bad.
It's amazing.
It's not bad, it's just like, why would your parent dress you up in rotting fruit flesh?
Because it's realistic.
Why do you need to go for rotting fruit flesh?
I thought I was a zombie.
(20:03):
You could have gone for fresh fruit.
No, God damn it.
No, we talked about this, L'Oreal.
You're not a zombie.
You're not a zombie.
All I had was the pumpkin to work with.
I did a pretty good job, right?
Okay, not a zombie for the most part.
Yeah, I'm a pumpkin.
If you want to be a zombie, make your own costume.
Sir, you're way too invested in your child's trick-or-treat costume.
I care about my child having a good trick-or-treat, and I don't want people like you laughing.
I don't think you care about your child having a good trick-or-treat.
(20:25):
I think you won't have a good trick-or-treat.
L'Oreal, are you having a good trick-or-treat?
Are you having a great trick-or-treat?
Why has it taken you so long to answer?
There's your answer.
Oh my God.
There's your answer, sir.
I'm having a trick-or-treat.
Yeah.
Trick-or-treat.
It's so nice.
Thank you for coming to my house.
Here is the rest of the Twixes.
I get all of them?
(20:46):
Yes.
Daddy, what?
I'm closed for business after this.
That's not a good thing.
The Twixes are bad.
Twixes are great.
But I have the left Twix and you have the right Twix.
That's all we always do.
I don't want any part of this.
It ruins most of the separation.
Are you going to make me eat both Twixes?
Yeah.
You get so much Twix.
Do you want?
That's a great thing.
That's really important.
Hey.
(21:07):
To be seen by a stranger and to be given so much Twix.
That's a real luxury.
How are you doing with my kid lessons, huh?
You think I didn't raise L'Oreal right?
Look at her.
Look at her.
Fantastic.
Smiling.
Not crying.
Dressed in rotting flesh.
It was pretty good.
Fruit flesh.
It's pretty good for a pumpkin.
It could have been fresh.
Daddy, if I eat all those Twixes, I won't fit into the pumpkin next year.
(21:29):
Don't talk like that.
Enjoy the Twixes.
Enjoy, enjoy life.
Let me speak to my child.
Enjoy food.
Don't limit your child's calorie intake.
Jesus Christ.
I'm not.
Did I, did I do that?
Maybe you're making things up.
It was inferred from what L'Oreal said to you.
Oh, I didn't say anything.
What's, what's your name?
What's your name, 58?
Huh?
(21:50):
You're going to hide behind that house number?
You only need to know me as 58.
Good, because I don't want to know you anymore.
If I see you around this town, I'm going to break your ankle.
Oh, because I have one ankle.
I'm going to break your ankle.
Who are you?
Sorry.
What do you want?
59.
Is everything okay here?
No, it's not.
I'm actually placing house arrest on 58.
Are you okay?
(22:11):
Wow.
Janice?
He threatened, don't tell him my name.
Oh, your name's Janice.
Don't tell him my name.
Sorry, I didn't want to make this worse.
Who raised you?
L'Oreal's dad?
What sort of name is L'Oreal anyway?
L'Oreal picked her own name, I'll tell you.
I limbed after the soap.
Right, folks, can we-
That's what I thought.
Did he name you?
It's not a soap, it's a shampoo.
Get it.
It's a soap for hair.
(22:32):
He let me pick it.
Sir, I think we're going to need to stand down.
What are you dressed as, a loser?
Who the hell are you?
59.
That's my neighbour.
You leave him alone.
I'm actually on the neighbourhood watch, so sir, you're going to need to stand down.
Oh, yeah?
Where were you like five minutes ago?
Thank you, Michael.
Late to the party, Michael.
I was letting, seeing where it developed.
(22:53):
Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch...
Attention!
61
62
64
47
And 65!
I want to clarify, I'm not in the neighbourhood watch, but I am surrounded by good people who are.
(23:14):
But you are still part of our jurisdiction.
Thank you, thank you Michael.
We want you a part of this Janice, we've said it so many times. Please join us and be a love.
Really, you jealous?
Well, okay, maybe if-
You'd bring excellent vibe.
And when Oak Ridge Street rises, we need to be there to answer the call.
What? What? What? What? What? What?
(23:35):
Take this man into custody and take this child into supervision.
I'll take L'Oreal.
Yes, that is fair.
Daddy, do you have to do this at every house?
I just wanted a nice night with my kid. Okay?
Well, you shouldn't address him as a freaky looking zombie.
It's not a zombie.
I'm not a zombie.
Pumpkin. Cause she's my little pumpkin.
(23:57):
Zombie pumpkin.
That's what I thought.
Do you want to go live with number 58?
Yeah.
You said L'Oreal, huh?
Hey L'Oreal, my name is Janice.
Janice, what would you let me be for Halloween?
A Twix.
Could my brother be the other one?
Absolutely.
Your brother's 25. He can look after himself.
He can still be the other half of the Twix.
I wish I'd left with him.
(24:18):
What the hell?
They sound like a job for the neighborhood watch detective.
What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?
Did somebody call the neighborhood watch detective?
And his trusty sidekick, the dog?
Thank you, the dog.
L'Oreal, you want to tell them all the details you know?
(24:41):
See, it's a classic case of a fatherly neglect, you see.
No, my daddy's a very good daddy.
He just makes me dress as a pumpkin on Halloween and Christmas, and sometimes my birthday.
I'm a zombie!
You got there right, the dog.
I'm a pumpkin.
I don't know, girl.
That doesn't seem like a pumpkin costume.
(25:03):
I think we're gonna have to take you into custody there, Mr. Daddy-o.
No.
I know Krav Maga.
You know, if Halloween had been like three days earlier, it wouldn't be a rotting costume.
Okay?
I'm sorry the fridge isn't working.
Fellas, can you get off my front porch, please?
(25:25):
Sorry, Jonas.
L'Oreal, come on in.
Pop me down!
Pop me down!
Pop me down!
Pop me down!
Can I go to the school dance now?
Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you.
Do you want me to give you a lift?
Thank you, Jonas, yeah.
All right, okay, let's go.
Father, I keep holy oil up here.
(25:51):
Hang on, let me get it.
Well, I tell you what, while she's doing that, why don't we interview Patty on his exorcism
prayer rest?
I need some holy water.
You hold it, I'm scared.
Why don't we find out, what else have you exorcised?
Oh, Father, your hands are really wet now too.
Yeah, yeah, my hands are wet.
I mean, it's not me, I'm not that hot.
(26:12):
Father, have you ever done an exorcism before?
Yeah, have you, Patty?
No.
Oh, boom.
There she is.
Have you ever summoned any spirit?
Tell them, tell them, tell them about Rome.
Tell them about Rome, Patty, tell them what happened.
I attended a summoning in Rome.
(26:35):
Oh, is this a really successful one you referenced whenever we asked you?
Yeah, you said it in all your sermons about what like Rome was amazing.
Constantly talk about Rome.
And you were like casting out spirits and people were converted and people were healed.
You said you did healings.
You wrote a book about it.
It was a party, I was party too.
Yeah.
Father, were you lying?
I wasn't lying, I was perhaps embellishing.
(26:58):
Lying from behind the altar?
I wanted to start doing it on my own.
I didn't expect to bring about the bloody devil.
Father!
Listen, listen.
Beginner's love, maybe?
I don't know.
Well, Alan, maybe for you because obviously the owing...
I'm starting to question everything.
You should.
But there's no tear your motive for me being here.
It's not just because I wanted to call Patty out, even though he has a book out, bestseller
(27:22):
titled Kicking Satan's Tutu.
And let's just say I wasn't wearing a tutu to be kicked.
But I wanted a bit of exposure because I feel I'm misunderstood.
I just wanted to clear the air and I wanted to tell my side of the story and I want to
be, you know, known for other things than just internal damnation.
You want to be interviewed for a YouTube channel.
I'll get out my notepad.
(27:43):
This is what we like, Alan.
I can put it on my phone, film it on my phone and then we can put it on the dumbbracking
website.
Your feet are pointing towards him.
You are this close.
You're being turned.
Father.
We've already lost idiot boy over here.
He's not an idiot, he's actually a genius.
Alan has...
Can I just tell them?
Yeah.
I'm just going to tell them.
Alan's actually the most successful sociopath we've ever seen.
(28:05):
Right?
So the murdering bunnies thing is just like a pastime.
Like the tip of the iceberg?
He just screws with you with that.
Listen, he has infiltrated the White House.
He manipulates the president.
He has been the responsible for so many conflicts on this planet.
I couldn't be prouder.
It's true because if you just say you're the president's mother, they put a straight line
(28:26):
through to you.
It's a great loophole.
We love Alan.
And I have a very good president's mother's voice.
Yeah.
We have a spin off of YouTube in Hellfork Tube and we have so many channels dedicated to
Alan, it's great.
Was it you that stirred up controversy in the town council?
Correct.
Yeah.
I rang up saying I was their mother's.
It was brilliant.
(28:47):
That's why they all quit.
Well don't forget he murdered them then.
That's why they all died.
Hang on.
I thought that was an accidental bus crash.
Yeah, accidental if Alan accidentally cut the brake fluid.
Yeah.
To be fair, actually that one was an accident.
I didn't mean to cut the brake.
Yeah, I didn't mean to cut the brake fluid.
What were you going for?
(29:08):
I was just trying to like rewire the engine to make it faster.
Oh, okay.
Like a sort of speed thing?
Yeah, like a speed thing.
But I didn't actually plan on anyone dying.
I got very obsessed with.
Do you ever see, yeah, speed two, the one with the boat?
I wanted to do that with a bus.
Ben!
Sorry, sorry, just had to get Paddy back in the room.
He was getting too confident in his wee silent meditative pose.
(29:32):
Yeah, I'm too good for you, Paddy.
You can't just silently prayer me away.
That's not going to work.
Right, that's it.
I'm going.
No, you can't.
No, fuck you all.
Father.
No.
Father.
Take them, Bracken.
I'm going back to England.
Bye bye.
Do we have any actual child guests in here today?
(29:53):
Open the doors.
Hi, I'm dressed as Elsa.
My mom painted my face.
That's so cute.
Finally, like, I can't tell you how much I've had to deal with today.
Like, it's just all these crazy people, nonstop, like all these love triangles, like all these people having sex all the time.
And like, I just, I don't get it.
(30:14):
Like, I, like, I don't forget about the throubles.
The throubles?
What does that word mean?
Explain it for your listeners.
I'm for me.
Oh, please.
Yeah, no, I suppose it's good to be educational, right, Terrence?
So a throuble is like when-
Is Elsa in a throuble?
You've got a mom and dad?
Uh, well, it's complicated.
(30:37):
Is it?
My parents are supposed to be a horse for Halloween, but then they got-
Oh, you're kidding me.
They split up.
They're here.
Yeah, they still drove me because I was really excited to be on the radio.
What does that button do?
That opens the door.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hit it.
No!
(30:58):
Next.
Hello, what are you supposed to be?
Uh, you're not gonna like this.
Please don't.
I'm dressed as Davey Dave from Dump Rack and Blast Off, 202.1 FM.
He's my favorite.
(31:19):
You fucking piece of shit.
Yeah, I know, but I just love him.
How fucking dare you come in here?
He plays the best hits.
He's a cowboy.
Oh, yeah, that was funny.
When he was a cowboy that time, he had about six people.
All of them had dressed as horses, all couples.
(31:40):
Wonderful.
And they were all, he got to ride around on all of them.
Oh, sorry, Roger.
Why are you coming towards me?
The fact that you and I are breathing the same air makes me sick.
Oh, you and me both, buddy.
Hi, Roger.
Just a reminder, if anything goes down the aisle, we need consent forms from both parties.
Oh, this is gonna be a sexual thing?
Oh, is that what that look is?
(32:01):
You know what?
I'm up for it.
I have-
That's hate fuck.
I have worked to get where I am in this town for 20 years.
Fucking hard work.
Davey Prickson has had that job handed to him by his fucking parents.
Yeah, because he was really good.
Like, they had interviews, but he was the best.
(32:23):
He is a con artist and a coward.
Mm-hmm.
Like, in the sense of, like, a convict.
It's in the sense of a-
He's got the youth.
He's got the youth, Roger.
Is this still a sexual thing?
Oh, he had that hand around my thick throat.
(32:44):
You have no idea who you're messing with!
Oh, oh, oh!
Sorry, just for honor, I need consent from both parties.
I got sent, I got sent, I got sent!
Roger, we need to hear it.
Yeah, I consent!
Yeah, I consent!
I can send this man to death!
Please, please!
(33:06):
Then maybe I'll report it in Davey Dave's reports.
And I'm dressed like a pumpkin.
Laughter
And as we walked, the perpetrator too, the holding cell for the night,
(33:29):
I stood and stared and watched as all the kids trick-or-treated.
And as we got him into the cell, I thought about my life and I thought about Sharon.
We're in the middle of an interview, come on.
There comes a point-
Stop bringing up Sharon.
You cheated on her and she left.
Get over it.
Okay.
(33:50):
Okay, okay, so are you starting this interview or am I?
Probably you.
I'll be the-
No, I'll be-
Surprise!
Surprise!
I wanna be the bad cop.
How are you doing?
You've been a good cop, I've been a bad cop.
I am the good cop, you are the bad cop.
Just in capabilities.
So, you are accused of giving your child a proper shade Halloween costume.
(34:15):
How do you plead?
Guilty.
Guilty?
Is he guilty of it?
Yeah, no, I fucked it.
Oh, okay.
Don't put yourself down, Dad.
I tried my best.
You got the red, blue right, and that's 90% of Spider-Man.
But I got it the wrong way, Ryan.
You're the Spider-Man of this time.
(34:36):
He looked like a fool, I fucked it.
There's so many Spider-Mans, I gotta look like one of them.
It's okay.
Darren, don't beat yourself up, you're so bad.
You're so bad for just beating yourself up, you shouldn't beat yourself up.
You know who didn't get bullied?
That rotting child.
You know who did get bullied?
My child, because I fucked it.
Hey, you should lay off these guys, cause you're bringing a bit of-
Hey guys, you know-
No, you stopped being bad cop, these people are good people.
(34:58):
I think don't be in the bad cop.
They just can't use a sewing machine, and that is the problem of schools.
They should be teaching same stress-y again.
I just, I love my son so much, and I wanted to give him the best Halloween ever,
and I just messed it up.
I know you love your son.
Dad, even with the bad costume, and the whole cance instead of web-slingers,
(35:19):
I still had a good time.
I was just happy to spend Halloween with you.
Same, we had a great time, and we got so much candy.
That's lovely.
And I threw up cause I ate too much of it, and you parted my bike, so well son.
So easy with the big whole cance, I feel like a big strong man.
There were big strong hits on my bike.
That's beautiful.
There were big strong hits on my bike.
(35:40):
You should be really proud of yourself as a father.
No, I fucked it.
This boy is just- no, you didn't fuck it.
You gave him the Halloween he deserved.
Dad, I had the best Halloween ever.
Even though I've been expelled from school, I still thought you were my dad.
I'm sorry for beating up those bullies.
I tried to stop-
Did you beat up children tonight?
(36:03):
No, they were parents of bullies.
Oh, okay. Oh, that's fine then. Don't worry.
Yeah.
Done it again, Sergeant. We solved another case.
Watch, watch, watch.
Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
(36:24):
For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Gerd Donley, Ciaran Sanz, Amelia Price, Daclen King, Robert Vaughan,
Gemma Burnett, Owen Heading and Kate Reese.
(36:50):
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album, Unearthed, on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
Keep holding hands. The spirits are close. They're here.
(00:15):
I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know.
Hold hands. Don't let go of Jeffrey's hands.
Sorry, mine's really sweaty guys. I get nervous. I'm so nervous.
Spirit, make yourself known spirit.
Or don't, it's fine if you don't want to.
How long do I have to keep doing this?
(00:37):
Well the tape recorder broke so how long was it?
That was about one minute. How long does it take to summon a spirit?
Don't make me take over. Maybe that'll count.
Can you do the moves for a bit? Hold hands.
The spirit is getting closer. Spirit is in the room with us. I feel the presence.
(01:04):
I don't feel anything.
You just not go along with it Margaret.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Right.
We are about to, on camera, make a scientific break.
Alan are you okay there? You look like you're going to drop over.
I know it's just I'm really scared.
(01:25):
If it stops him complaining.
Why don't you do it for a bit?
Because I'm leading the seance.
Spirit?
Sorry, sorry.
What are you doing here? Why didn't we like you?
You fucking summoned me.
It's the spirit. We've done it.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was late. I'm so sorry.
Traffic from hell was immense.
No, it's just he looks like my dad and it gave me a big...
What?
(01:46):
You look like my dad.
Identify yourself spirit. Keep holding hands everyone.
Do I really need an introduction? Alright, I'll identify myself for you.
Are you my dad?
For the sake of science.
I look like your dad honey. You're about to have some severe issues.
I am known by many names. Lightbringer, Morningstar, but I tend to go by Lucifer.
(02:07):
Oh, yeah.
Hey buddy, fist bump.
Lucifer?
Hang on.
Lucifer himself.
You're the devil.
Fallen angel.
Yeah.
I prefer to think of my mother more.
Guys, this isn't good.
Hey, hey, hey, fallen angel is a bit of a non-PC term, okay?
Sorry, Sir Morningstar.
The preferred terminology is...
I've bitten off more than I can chew.
(02:29):
This is all your fault.
What do you mean, bit off more than you can chew? I just came to say hi.
I thought you were just going to get someone's dead grandmother.
You know what? I was going to...
There's been some sort of mistake. I did not expect to get...
Will you go back after this? Are you here now?
This is a really weird interview, guys.
I've come all the way from hell, right? I have a very, very busy day.
(02:51):
Okay, you can stop that now.
Sorry, sorry.
Actually, the owing was the reason I came. Your owing was so sincere.
I told you that would work.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, so my owing wasn't good enough.
Your owing was a little subpar, yeah. I mean, you would have done well for...
Yeah, I was a bum.
Yeah, I was a bum.
Can we... Can we... Can we...
I had a job for you when you died, but...
Really?
(03:12):
Yeah. I mean, you are... You are going to hell, I'm sorry.
Spoiler alert.
No, that's fine.
But, uh, it was because...
This is weird.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
No, I know. I've known for a long time.
What's going on?
Why does he...
I've known for a long time.
Why does he like the devil so much?
You know what you did.
But we really like you downstairs.
That's why he kills the bums.
Thank you. You're in for a great time.
Honestly, I've got a job.
Really?
And a torture for you.
Yes.
(03:33):
Just to turn a day in hell, unfortunately.
Really? No, it's fine.
I prefer a warmer climate.
You need a hand.
Yeah, I'm looking at you.
Yeah, you're going upstairs.
Me?
Yeah.
You're going upstairs.
Thank God.
I knew it.
Thank you for taking care of her.
I'm going to heaven.
Yes, you are.
Oh, yay!
And I'm glad I spoiled that one because no one deserved it more.
I'm a really good person.
(03:54):
Yes, I know.
Ugh!
(04:19):
Roger we're live.
(04:45):
Hello everybody in Dunbracken, happy Halloween!
It's me, Roger Sterling, coming at you live from Dunbracken 105.7.
You know how it is.
It's Halloween, I hope everyone's having a great night, all going out, getting their
little candies, dressed to the nines.
(05:05):
I'm actually having a little surprise for any of you listeners who are listening here
today on Halloween itself.
We've got a bunch of a little trick-or-treat, a couple of guests into the studio here, which
is incredible.
So, I'm going to have them come in, they're going to introduce themselves, tell the viewers
here what they're, the viewers, listen to me.
We've got the listeners here, tell them what they're dressed as.
(05:27):
Cut that bit.
I'm going to do that bit again.
We got the, we're going to have the listeners come in.
Cut this all out!
Cut this!
Roger, we're live.
We've been live for the past seven minutes.
We're going to have the listeners.
Do you want me to send in the first guest?
(05:48):
Yeah.
Okay.
Hello!
Oh my god!
Who are you supposed to be?
It's complicated.
I'm a two-legged horse.
You're a two-legged horse.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
She was supposed to be the back legs, just to clarify.
(06:09):
What if I wanted to be the head, Rachel?
Why, like, come on.
Sarah, is this why you broke up with me?
Rachel, right, it's one of the reasons I'm going to be completely dead honest with you
right now.
Sarah, I didn't think the horse, like, came into it.
I just, we had an all, like, row about it in front of my parents.
This is about this.
Yes, I was sobbing because I want to be with you.
(06:32):
I think you're my person, you know?
But I think that was well about you.
But we can't be like it anymore.
You can't always be the head of the horse, Rachel!
Okay, alright, simmer down, keep it down, okay?
Shut up, you!
We're having a moment!
It's interesting that you both came to the studio.
We share a car!
(06:53):
I'm going to go to work after this!
Rachel, can you still drive me?
I'm still bound from driving.
Sarah, I'd rather that you get a taxi.
If this is official, I just can't be your taxi driver, you know?
I never said that!
You can't lie to me for these things.
I know you never said it, but it feels like it's in fact.
We can't have this every freaking Halloween in front of my parents!
(07:17):
Well, we're going to get to our next trick-or-treaters here.
I don't give you a lift!
Thank you, because I'm going to be late otherwise!
I still love you!
I don't want to lose my job, and I love you too!
Okay, that was way too much, listeners. I am so sorry.
Hey, Alex, I don't mean to alert you, but I think I'm a reverse vampire.
(07:43):
My insides have fallen out.
I've been throwing up blood.
I've been drawn towards churches.
Ricky...
I feel more mortal than ever.
I'm twice as mortal as your average man.
I want you to take time off.
Go to the doctor.
You see, this is the problem.
You have disinvited me, and I want to stay here more than ever.
I will take the doctor to you if you want.
(08:05):
I know there's some sort of grudge between you and Michael,
but I think you should go see him put it in the past.
It's not a grudge.
It's a vendetta.
Besides, this is unrelated to that.
This is unrelated to me not seeing a doctor.
I've become a reverse vampire.
You can see by all...
See my insides? They're gone!
That's gum. I know that's gum. It's grey.
(08:26):
I'm not drinking blood.
I'm constantly throwing it up.
This doesn't look good in front of customers, okay?
I've been trying to hypnotize them.
They're unresponsive.
Okay, so...
I, on the other hand, am more responsive than ever.
More responsive? To what?
I say it's susceptible.
The customer says, I would like a refund.
I go, no problem.
Take the money.
(08:47):
Even the product's wide open and covered in blood,
and I still take it.
Hey, boys.
I'm kind of worried.
I got bit by a dog last week,
and every time I go into the sun, I grow some more hair.
This is the other thing.
I burn in the moonlight.
What?
I'm a reverse vampire.
Oh, I think I'm a reverse dog.
Really?
Yeah.
(09:08):
A reverse dog, but you get more hair?
Yeah.
Hold on, let's try this.
Catch the ball.
You feel the need to fetch it?
No.
A reverse dog. A dog would want to fetch the ball.
But I do want to get rid of your meal.
You want to get rid of my meal?
Well, you shouldn't do that.
(09:29):
It's mostly junk. It's fine.
It's junk in court orders, so it's fine.
I was going to say, if you just destroy the meal,
that's not legal.
Someone has been destroying my post.
And again, if they summon me, I don't want to go.
A vampire would welcome the invitation.
I'm sure if a vampire is invited to a church or something like that,
they'd say no.
See, church, I feel comfortable.
(09:50):
So you are just a perfectly normal person because you're a reverse?
Before, I didn't feel comfortable in churches.
Now I feel great out there.
Also, I don't want to fight him anymore.
I used to want to fight you all the time.
I don't want to fight you.
Hey, guys.
Sorry.
Just while we're getting everything out in the open,
I just wanted to flag that I think I'm like reverse Frankenstein's monster.
I want to donate my organs to science.
(10:11):
Tell me about it.
If the amount of drinking you've been doing, I would not do that.
All right.
OK, less of the pass-ag, but like...
No, I'm being direct.
It was an office event. It's fine.
Ah, she drank all of her drink.
And I got home safely that night.
OK, I won't donate my liver, but everything else, suffer grabs.
Imagine you could die and then kill ten more people.
(10:32):
Incredible.
She's suffering off her blood.
I don't want it.
Reverse Frankenstein's monster.
Whereas I don't want to sniff her ass.
So...
Hey.
I don't want to.
I'm a reverse dog.
No, I'm offended by that.
You realize that's normal.
That is just being a person.
Not for me.
(10:53):
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
We haven't taken your order yet.
We'll get to you in a moment.
Sir, will you sniff my ass?
Sir, would you like some blood?
Because I feel like ejecting at other people.
We might be... We're calling him sir.
He might be a dog.
I'll say yes to one of those things.
Well, at least someone around here is going to sniff my ass.
Anyway, what I'm saying is, since I'm a reverse vampire,
(11:16):
could you pull the stake out of my heart?
Um, open the door for the next one, please.
I'm so sorry.
I'm only half a horse costume as well.
I'm only the legs.
My boyfriend broke up with me.
He was my dead tail.
(11:38):
Well, what if I wanted to be the legs?
Well, you're always a dog.
What are you, boss?
Sir, we're just doing fucking therapy today.
You were going to let him be the legs?
I thought I meant something to you.
No, I'm the legs quite clearly.
Look at my hooves.
Gwen, shut up.
This is my weekend.
This is your weekend?
Yeah.
Halloween's a holiday.
We agreed to share holidays.
Yeah, he gets Halloween, you get Christmas.
Yeah, you get Christmas.
(11:59):
Don't complain about it.
I can't be a horse at Christmas.
Rangers on his call.
Sir, did anyone veto, like, check on these guests?
I didn't expect a fucking bunch of couples coming in.
We broke up in the break room.
You were six minutes late.
Sorry, we used the same list from the Valentine's Day special.
Sort it out.
My bad.
Sort it out.
So what are you, some kind of, like, weird polycule, polyamorous, like, throuple?
(12:21):
It's not weird.
Actually, you don't have to call it weird, yeah.
It is weird.
That's really offensive.
Do you guys have an opening?
We're gay.
In your polycule.
Rachel!
Sarah!
We are only part gay.
Rachel!
One of us is definitely gay.
The other ones are exploring and open to options, but you wouldn't be part of the full throuple.
Wait, I'm sorry.
I want to be monogamous.
I'm sorry.
(12:42):
Okay, my lesbian wants to be monogamous.
It's so horrible.
Rachel, I swear to God, if we don't leave now, I'm gonna mess my...
Fine, we'll go.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Please let me know the information to join the polycule.
I'm still interested.
No, I'm still interested.
Rachel!
Terrence.
If you take my email, you can join our newsletter.
Terrence, get security in here, please.
There's too many people falling in love in my studio.
(13:04):
I'm sorry we'll be leaving, but we'll be back for the Secret Santa radio special.
I'll have him then.
Security or eye-trekker training, sorry.
Okay.
What are they dressed as?
You'll never believe this.
Are you gonna tell me that they're dressed as security guards?
No, they're two coins.
Yeah, they are.
Can we have the next guest in here, please?
Jesus Christ.
Open the doors.
(13:27):
Do you recognize me?
I'm dress as juror number nine.
Do you recognize who I am?
Trying to find the man.
Put me away.
Do you recognize this person?
I was just trying to create a light TV show.
You bastard.
Look at me.
I'm...
Alright, I'm gonna tell you a description, are you?
(13:48):
Okay.
It's the clothes that I'm wearing.
Mm-hmm.
That's a full description.
Wow.
I'm no great of faces.
Juror number nine, he was the one who was looking shifty.
I've been away for 16 years.
How did you get in here?
Oh, yeah, my security guards are...
Who's your wooden call?
That's nobody there.
I was in the Valentine's list with my...
With my brother.
(14:09):
There was a mix-up where we were both looking for love.
Do you recognize me?
Look at me.
Leather pants.
A shirt.
I don't...
I simply don't care.
I don't care.
I will murder this person.
They put me away for life.
But I get out in good behavior.
Okay.
Been really good.
Okay.
Can you leave?
(14:30):
I will eat your nose.
Terrence, can you get rid of him?
Yeah, security are gone.
Can you do it?
No.
I will leave on my own accord.
As long as you remember me.
I'm going after the children.
Well, not after them.
What?
I'm following...
You're following children?
No, I'm following the children's path.
You're following children?
Yeah, it's just the same path.
(14:51):
Okay, Doug Bracken, we've got a certified...
No, I'm following them.
...dress as juror number nine in Halloween.
I'm following them.
He's a piece of paper.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following them.
I'm following their path to the houses.
These kids, they're six kids.
They worked out the optimal route through houses.
I'm going to every house.
I'm saying, do you recognize me?
(15:12):
Someday I'll find me in a house and I'll stab him dead.
Why do you think you'll be wearing the same clothes?
I was a fucking loser.
Okay.
Do you know she constantly shouts at me for killing the rabbits?
I know.
What's that about?
(15:33):
Listen, rabbits...
Shouldn't be murdering bunnies, Alan.
They're overpopulated.
I'm helping the ecosystem.
Well, listen, Alan, I am going to really dedicate a segment of this interview to tell you more
about what your job would be to understand.
Thank you.
I feel we've neglected our guest of honor.
Well, I'm the guest of honor, but our star of the show.
The man who actually summoned you.
Yes, Father Patrick Gohanahan.
(15:54):
What is it like to finally get to test out your exorcism skills?
You must be feeling great.
I'm feeling perhaps a little apprehensive.
Where's he going?
I'd rather not know.
I'll tell you in a minute.
He's a priest who has to go up.
Does he?
I'll tell you in a minute.
(16:15):
I kind of like you.
Thank you.
I misunderstood.
I misunderstood.
You're fun.
I am fun.
Well, this is why I was cast in.
I'll tell you that.
Lucifer?
Yes, yes, Patty.
Come on, hit me.
Give me your best shot.
Why are you here?
Well, okay, so your whole summoning circle was actually originally geared to get this
sweet old woman who unfortunately was murdered up here, but she's in heaven and God didn't
(16:40):
want her bug, so he gave me a call and said, could I send up...
What's his name again now?
Elzebub?
That's the one, but he's doing this torture thing on this guy.
Why do you not know the name of your own colleague?
I don't know any of my colleagues' names.
They're boring people.
They're not really colleagues, I guess.
They're kind of your employees.
They're minions.
Exactly.
I'm going to know Alan's name though, because he's going to do what he's going to do.
Sounds very exciting.
(17:01):
So anyway, Big D is going to come up here, but he's torturing this guy.
What's his name?
Adolf, Adolf, Adolf.
Adolf January?
No, not Adolf January.
Adolf...
Hitler?
That's the one.
That's the one.
Yeah, so B's taking care of him, torturing him for eternity, so he couldn't take time
off, so I said, you know what, I'll get my hands dirty.
Dirty?
Yeah.
Dirty.
(17:22):
Well, I'm pretty hands off usually.
I mean, I'm just running things from an introvert level.
Yeah, but you're not going to do anything bad here.
Well, it all depends on Patty, because he wants to do an exorcism here, so I thought
me and him could do a wee bit of sparring, I guess, you know.
What, like, sort of role play?
No, not role play.
We're going to do this.
If we let go of each other's hands, will that send you back?
(17:43):
No, unfortunately not.
That's not how this works.
Mr. Lucifer, so we have the Devil Star here in the minute and the salt.
Do you want me to break a line in the salt so you can leave the pentagram?
No.
No, no, no, no, Alan, no, no.
Can you imagine the problems that would bring to Dunbracken if we allow them to leave the
circle?
Yeah, but I mean-
(18:04):
In the bottom of Dunbracken?
Yeah.
I love this place.
This place is a cesspit of sin.
Yeah, so many people die.
Mary, Mary last week, is having an affair.
Did you know that?
No.
Yes.
I did not know that.
With who?
With your sister.
Ooh.
She's gay.
Honey, she invented gay.
God, good for her.
(18:25):
Yeah, yeah.
Jessica is.
Yeah, but she's going to heaven.
I feel we're-
Gay, what?
There's no gay people in hell.
No, not one.
I really want one gay person to be bad.
I feel we're broaching upon certain ethical dilemmas.
Are you?
Father, are you going to exercise them or not?
I think Patty's avoiding the-
I don't think I can.
What do you mean?
(18:46):
I don't think I can.
Oh, he's admitting it.
Why?
He's the bloody devil.
I'm just going to-
Oh, I'll just make a line in the salt.
So if you want to leave with your own flesh and you can't-
No, no, stop him.
Get off me.
No, no.
This is why we like you downstairs, Alan.
This is why we like you.
Thank you, Mr. Star.
Chicka tree.
Oh, look at you.
(19:21):
You're dressed up.
Yeah, I guess.
Guess who I am.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Are you laughing at my child's costume?
Jesus Christ.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Look, I've seen good costumes tonight.
This is real pumpkin.
What can I say?
This is real pumpkin.
Yeah, it's been a couple of days.
(19:42):
Oh, so it is rotten.
Yeah, but didn't need to laugh.
Didn't need to laugh.
That's not really rude.
Have you seen some of the costumes that are trick-or-treating at the moment?
L'Oreal, do you want an apology?
Do you want an apology?
Daddy, is my costume bad?
No, it's-
No, it's not bad.
It's amazing.
It's not bad, it's just like, why would your parent dress you up in rotting fruit flesh?
Because it's realistic.
Why do you need to go for rotting fruit flesh?
I thought I was a zombie.
(20:03):
You could have gone for fresh fruit.
No, God damn it.
No, we talked about this, L'Oreal.
You're not a zombie.
You're not a zombie.
All I had was the pumpkin to work with.
I did a pretty good job, right?
Okay, not a zombie for the most part.
Yeah, I'm a pumpkin.
If you want to be a zombie, make your own costume.
Sir, you're way too invested in your child's trick-or-treat costume.
I care about my child having a good trick-or-treat, and I don't want people like you laughing.
I don't think you care about your child having a good trick-or-treat.
(20:25):
I think you won't have a good trick-or-treat.
L'Oreal, are you having a good trick-or-treat?
Are you having a great trick-or-treat?
Why has it taken you so long to answer?
There's your answer.
Oh my God.
There's your answer, sir.
I'm having a trick-or-treat.
Yeah.
Trick-or-treat.
It's so nice.
Thank you for coming to my house.
Here is the rest of the Twixes.
I get all of them?
(20:46):
Yes.
Daddy, what?
I'm closed for business after this.
That's not a good thing.
The Twixes are bad.
Twixes are great.
But I have the left Twix and you have the right Twix.
That's all we always do.
I don't want any part of this.
It ruins most of the separation.
Are you going to make me eat both Twixes?
Yeah.
You get so much Twix.
Do you want?
That's a great thing.
That's really important.
Hey.
(21:07):
To be seen by a stranger and to be given so much Twix.
That's a real luxury.
How are you doing with my kid lessons, huh?
You think I didn't raise L'Oreal right?
Look at her.
Look at her.
Fantastic.
Smiling.
Not crying.
Dressed in rotting flesh.
It was pretty good.
Fruit flesh.
It's pretty good for a pumpkin.
It could have been fresh.
Daddy, if I eat all those Twixes, I won't fit into the pumpkin next year.
(21:29):
Don't talk like that.
Enjoy the Twixes.
Enjoy, enjoy life.
Let me speak to my child.
Enjoy food.
Don't limit your child's calorie intake.
Jesus Christ.
I'm not.
Did I, did I do that?
Maybe you're making things up.
It was inferred from what L'Oreal said to you.
Oh, I didn't say anything.
What's, what's your name?
What's your name, 58?
Huh?
(21:50):
You're going to hide behind that house number?
You only need to know me as 58.
Good, because I don't want to know you anymore.
If I see you around this town, I'm going to break your ankle.
Oh, because I have one ankle.
I'm going to break your ankle.
Who are you?
Sorry.
What do you want?
59.
Is everything okay here?
No, it's not.
I'm actually placing house arrest on 58.
Are you okay?
(22:11):
Wow.
Janice?
He threatened, don't tell him my name.
Oh, your name's Janice.
Don't tell him my name.
Sorry, I didn't want to make this worse.
Who raised you?
L'Oreal's dad?
What sort of name is L'Oreal anyway?
L'Oreal picked her own name, I'll tell you.
I limbed after the soap.
Right, folks, can we-
That's what I thought.
Did he name you?
It's not a soap, it's a shampoo.
Get it.
It's a soap for hair.
(22:32):
He let me pick it.
Sir, I think we're going to need to stand down.
What are you dressed as, a loser?
Who the hell are you?
59.
That's my neighbour.
You leave him alone.
I'm actually on the neighbourhood watch, so sir, you're going to need to stand down.
Oh, yeah?
Where were you like five minutes ago?
Thank you, Michael.
Late to the party, Michael.
I was letting, seeing where it developed.
(22:53):
Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch...
Attention!
61
62
64
47
And 65!
I want to clarify, I'm not in the neighbourhood watch, but I am surrounded by good people who are.
(23:14):
But you are still part of our jurisdiction.
Thank you, thank you Michael.
We want you a part of this Janice, we've said it so many times. Please join us and be a love.
Really, you jealous?
Well, okay, maybe if-
You'd bring excellent vibe.
And when Oak Ridge Street rises, we need to be there to answer the call.
What? What? What? What? What? What?
(23:35):
Take this man into custody and take this child into supervision.
I'll take L'Oreal.
Yes, that is fair.
Daddy, do you have to do this at every house?
I just wanted a nice night with my kid. Okay?
Well, you shouldn't address him as a freaky looking zombie.
It's not a zombie.
I'm not a zombie.
Pumpkin. Cause she's my little pumpkin.
(23:57):
Zombie pumpkin.
That's what I thought.
Do you want to go live with number 58?
Yeah.
You said L'Oreal, huh?
Hey L'Oreal, my name is Janice.
Janice, what would you let me be for Halloween?
A Twix.
Could my brother be the other one?
Absolutely.
Your brother's 25. He can look after himself.
He can still be the other half of the Twix.
I wish I'd left with him.
(24:18):
What the hell?
They sound like a job for the neighborhood watch detective.
What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?
Did somebody call the neighborhood watch detective?
And his trusty sidekick, the dog?
Thank you, the dog.
L'Oreal, you want to tell them all the details you know?
(24:41):
See, it's a classic case of a fatherly neglect, you see.
No, my daddy's a very good daddy.
He just makes me dress as a pumpkin on Halloween and Christmas, and sometimes my birthday.
I'm a zombie!
You got there right, the dog.
I'm a pumpkin.
I don't know, girl.
That doesn't seem like a pumpkin costume.
(25:03):
I think we're gonna have to take you into custody there, Mr. Daddy-o.
No.
I know Krav Maga.
You know, if Halloween had been like three days earlier, it wouldn't be a rotting costume.
Okay?
I'm sorry the fridge isn't working.
Fellas, can you get off my front porch, please?
(25:25):
Sorry, Jonas.
L'Oreal, come on in.
Pop me down!
Pop me down!
Pop me down!
Pop me down!
Can I go to the school dance now?
Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you.
Do you want me to give you a lift?
Thank you, Jonas, yeah.
All right, okay, let's go.
Father, I keep holy oil up here.
(25:51):
Hang on, let me get it.
Well, I tell you what, while she's doing that, why don't we interview Patty on his exorcism
prayer rest?
I need some holy water.
You hold it, I'm scared.
Why don't we find out, what else have you exorcised?
Oh, Father, your hands are really wet now too.
Yeah, yeah, my hands are wet.
I mean, it's not me, I'm not that hot.
(26:12):
Father, have you ever done an exorcism before?
Yeah, have you, Patty?
No.
Oh, boom.
There she is.
Have you ever summoned any spirit?
Tell them, tell them, tell them about Rome.
Tell them about Rome, Patty, tell them what happened.
I attended a summoning in Rome.
(26:35):
Oh, is this a really successful one you referenced whenever we asked you?
Yeah, you said it in all your sermons about what like Rome was amazing.
Constantly talk about Rome.
And you were like casting out spirits and people were converted and people were healed.
You said you did healings.
You wrote a book about it.
It was a party, I was party too.
Yeah.
Father, were you lying?
I wasn't lying, I was perhaps embellishing.
(26:58):
Lying from behind the altar?
I wanted to start doing it on my own.
I didn't expect to bring about the bloody devil.
Father!
Listen, listen.
Beginner's love, maybe?
I don't know.
Well, Alan, maybe for you because obviously the owing...
I'm starting to question everything.
You should.
But there's no tear your motive for me being here.
It's not just because I wanted to call Patty out, even though he has a book out, bestseller
(27:22):
titled Kicking Satan's Tutu.
And let's just say I wasn't wearing a tutu to be kicked.
But I wanted a bit of exposure because I feel I'm misunderstood.
I just wanted to clear the air and I wanted to tell my side of the story and I want to
be, you know, known for other things than just internal damnation.
You want to be interviewed for a YouTube channel.
I'll get out my notepad.
(27:43):
This is what we like, Alan.
I can put it on my phone, film it on my phone and then we can put it on the dumbbracking
website.
Your feet are pointing towards him.
You are this close.
You're being turned.
Father.
We've already lost idiot boy over here.
He's not an idiot, he's actually a genius.
Alan has...
Can I just tell them?
Yeah.
I'm just going to tell them.
Alan's actually the most successful sociopath we've ever seen.
(28:05):
Right?
So the murdering bunnies thing is just like a pastime.
Like the tip of the iceberg?
He just screws with you with that.
Listen, he has infiltrated the White House.
He manipulates the president.
He has been the responsible for so many conflicts on this planet.
I couldn't be prouder.
It's true because if you just say you're the president's mother, they put a straight line
(28:26):
through to you.
It's a great loophole.
We love Alan.
And I have a very good president's mother's voice.
Yeah.
We have a spin off of YouTube in Hellfork Tube and we have so many channels dedicated to
Alan, it's great.
Was it you that stirred up controversy in the town council?
Correct.
Yeah.
I rang up saying I was their mother's.
It was brilliant.
(28:47):
That's why they all quit.
Well don't forget he murdered them then.
That's why they all died.
Hang on.
I thought that was an accidental bus crash.
Yeah, accidental if Alan accidentally cut the brake fluid.
Yeah.
To be fair, actually that one was an accident.
I didn't mean to cut the brake.
Yeah, I didn't mean to cut the brake fluid.
What were you going for?
(29:08):
I was just trying to like rewire the engine to make it faster.
Oh, okay.
Like a sort of speed thing?
Yeah, like a speed thing.
But I didn't actually plan on anyone dying.
I got very obsessed with.
Do you ever see, yeah, speed two, the one with the boat?
I wanted to do that with a bus.
Ben!
Sorry, sorry, just had to get Paddy back in the room.
He was getting too confident in his wee silent meditative pose.
(29:32):
Yeah, I'm too good for you, Paddy.
You can't just silently prayer me away.
That's not going to work.
Right, that's it.
I'm going.
No, you can't.
No, fuck you all.
Father.
No.
Father.
Take them, Bracken.
I'm going back to England.
Bye bye.
Do we have any actual child guests in here today?
(29:53):
Open the doors.
Hi, I'm dressed as Elsa.
My mom painted my face.
That's so cute.
Finally, like, I can't tell you how much I've had to deal with today.
Like, it's just all these crazy people, nonstop, like all these love triangles, like all these people having sex all the time.
And like, I just, I don't get it.
(30:14):
Like, I, like, I don't forget about the throubles.
The throubles?
What does that word mean?
Explain it for your listeners.
I'm for me.
Oh, please.
Yeah, no, I suppose it's good to be educational, right, Terrence?
So a throuble is like when-
Is Elsa in a throuble?
You've got a mom and dad?
Uh, well, it's complicated.
(30:37):
Is it?
My parents are supposed to be a horse for Halloween, but then they got-
Oh, you're kidding me.
They split up.
They're here.
Yeah, they still drove me because I was really excited to be on the radio.
What does that button do?
That opens the door.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hit it.
No!
(30:58):
Next.
Hello, what are you supposed to be?
Uh, you're not gonna like this.
Please don't.
I'm dressed as Davey Dave from Dump Rack and Blast Off, 202.1 FM.
He's my favorite.
(31:19):
You fucking piece of shit.
Yeah, I know, but I just love him.
How fucking dare you come in here?
He plays the best hits.
He's a cowboy.
Oh, yeah, that was funny.
When he was a cowboy that time, he had about six people.
All of them had dressed as horses, all couples.
(31:40):
Wonderful.
And they were all, he got to ride around on all of them.
Oh, sorry, Roger.
Why are you coming towards me?
The fact that you and I are breathing the same air makes me sick.
Oh, you and me both, buddy.
Hi, Roger.
Just a reminder, if anything goes down the aisle, we need consent forms from both parties.
Oh, this is gonna be a sexual thing?
Oh, is that what that look is?
(32:01):
You know what?
I'm up for it.
I have-
That's hate fuck.
I have worked to get where I am in this town for 20 years.
Fucking hard work.
Davey Prickson has had that job handed to him by his fucking parents.
Yeah, because he was really good.
Like, they had interviews, but he was the best.
(32:23):
He is a con artist and a coward.
Mm-hmm.
Like, in the sense of, like, a convict.
It's in the sense of a-
He's got the youth.
He's got the youth, Roger.
Is this still a sexual thing?
Oh, he had that hand around my thick throat.
(32:44):
You have no idea who you're messing with!
Oh, oh, oh!
Sorry, just for honor, I need consent from both parties.
I got sent, I got sent, I got sent!
Roger, we need to hear it.
Yeah, I consent!
Yeah, I consent!
I can send this man to death!
Please, please!
(33:06):
Then maybe I'll report it in Davey Dave's reports.
And I'm dressed like a pumpkin.
Laughter
And as we walked, the perpetrator too, the holding cell for the night,
(33:29):
I stood and stared and watched as all the kids trick-or-treated.
And as we got him into the cell, I thought about my life and I thought about Sharon.
We're in the middle of an interview, come on.
There comes a point-
Stop bringing up Sharon.
You cheated on her and she left.
Get over it.
Okay.
(33:50):
Okay, okay, so are you starting this interview or am I?
Probably you.
I'll be the-
No, I'll be-
Surprise!
Surprise!
I wanna be the bad cop.
How are you doing?
You've been a good cop, I've been a bad cop.
I am the good cop, you are the bad cop.
Just in capabilities.
So, you are accused of giving your child a proper shade Halloween costume.
(34:15):
How do you plead?
Guilty.
Guilty?
Is he guilty of it?
Yeah, no, I fucked it.
Oh, okay.
Don't put yourself down, Dad.
I tried my best.
You got the red, blue right, and that's 90% of Spider-Man.
But I got it the wrong way, Ryan.
You're the Spider-Man of this time.
(34:36):
He looked like a fool, I fucked it.
There's so many Spider-Mans, I gotta look like one of them.
It's okay.
Darren, don't beat yourself up, you're so bad.
You're so bad for just beating yourself up, you shouldn't beat yourself up.
You know who didn't get bullied?
That rotting child.
You know who did get bullied?
My child, because I fucked it.
Hey, you should lay off these guys, cause you're bringing a bit of-
Hey guys, you know-
No, you stopped being bad cop, these people are good people.
(34:58):
I think don't be in the bad cop.
They just can't use a sewing machine, and that is the problem of schools.
They should be teaching same stress-y again.
I just, I love my son so much, and I wanted to give him the best Halloween ever,
and I just messed it up.
I know you love your son.
Dad, even with the bad costume, and the whole cance instead of web-slingers,
(35:19):
I still had a good time.
I was just happy to spend Halloween with you.
Same, we had a great time, and we got so much candy.
That's lovely.
And I threw up cause I ate too much of it, and you parted my bike, so well son.
So easy with the big whole cance, I feel like a big strong man.
There were big strong hits on my bike.
That's beautiful.
There were big strong hits on my bike.
(35:40):
You should be really proud of yourself as a father.
No, I fucked it.
This boy is just- no, you didn't fuck it.
You gave him the Halloween he deserved.
Dad, I had the best Halloween ever.
Even though I've been expelled from school, I still thought you were my dad.
I'm sorry for beating up those bullies.
I tried to stop-
Did you beat up children tonight?
(36:03):
No, they were parents of bullies.
Oh, okay. Oh, that's fine then. Don't worry.
Yeah.
Done it again, Sergeant. We solved another case.
Watch, watch, watch.
Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Conneth McVeigh.
(36:24):
For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Gerd Donley, Ciaran Sanz, Amelia Price, Daclen King, Robert Vaughan,
Gemma Burnett, Owen Heading and Kate Reese.
(36:50):
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album, Unearthed, on Spotify now.
Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.
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